#okay depression; take away my passions and love for creative activities BUT LEAVE MY LOVE FOR MY FRIENDS ALONE

[soldouthaz]

I really want to start writing fics because writing has always been a passion of mine, and what better way to use it than to write about and interact with a fandom i'm passionate about as well, right? the problem is that i'm a 'gifted kid' with both adhd and depression, which makes for both lack of motivation and lack of attention span, even if I'm mentally obsessing over what I'm working on, I'll have a lot of trouble actually doing it. (1/2)

On top of that, I tend to back away or give up completely if I don't have an immediate knack for something or if I hit a roadblock of sorts. Do you have any tips for me, and, more specifically, for how to explore your passions even when your brain chemistry is kicking your ass? (2/2)

hi!! what a good question!!! I've always struggled with some of this myself so I'll do my best to give some good advice below the cut!!! 

- just a quick tw for anyone who may be sensitive to topics including depression or other similar mental health conditions! -

(i’ll talk about a few things regarding the adhd/depression and then I'll include some advice at the end for you!!! this got kind of long (sorry!) but if you read anything, make sure it’s the end!)

so this was something I struggled with big time for a while when I first started writing! I don’t have ADHD but I do have OCD, which is also quite the cocktail with depression so I feel your pain! i understand how frustrating it is because writing is very two sided in my experience, meaning on one hand it’s cathartic and eases anxiety, but on the other hand it can induce those negative feelings just as quickly as it got rid of them if you’re too overwhelmed while doing so.

depression is always the heavy hitter for me personally. I can have so many ideas and so much excitement for them and yet when I sit down to write everything seems so overwhelming that I end up backing out of it and leaving it for later for the millionth time. mine is mostly seasonal as well, so i go through periods of time (like these past few months) where i get very unmotivated and don’t write much at all. it’s an annoying cycle to then feel unproductive and know that you want to do it but you don’t do it but you feel like you should etc. etc..

the ADHD (or OCD in my case) seems to always be more of an environment issue for me. I really can only write more than a few sentences once I'm alone in the dead of night, when everyone else is asleep and I'm in control of my surroundings -- for example, the volume (music, fans, tv, etc), position (where I'm sitting, what’s around me), and being comfortable (comfy clothes, blankets, etc). I'm a big sensory person so if something’s even slightly brushing my arm in the wrong way, I can’t get into what I'm doing.

but i also understand what you mean strictly focus wise, when you’re trying to plan out your ideas and just keep jumping from one thing to another! (by the way i love that you mentioned when you're not good at something immediately you tend to give up - i do the same thing!) this is where i’ll try to give you some of the tips that helped me personally!

not too get too sappy, but to me the beauty of writing has always been that there is no right or wrong way to do it. the most difficult part of it is nailing down the fact that you should write for yourself and not simply to get hits or kudos or comments or anything. it should be fun and ultimately rewarding, and if it isn’t, don’t try to force yourself!

this is where the flip side of the adhd/depression + writing debate comes in -- finishing a piece of work can be one of the best feelings in the world, no matter how big or small or if other people enjoy it or not. because now you’ve got something that you can point to and say hey, i did that! i created this thing and put it into the world regardless of the challenges i might have encountered along the way or anyone else’s judgement! and that’s a wonderful feeling, especially if you’re like me when you feel lazy or unproductive half the time and the other half of you is constantly restless, full of energy with no other outlet for it.

so my advice to you would be to start small. it took me months to finish the first fic that i published because i split it up into portions and didn’t force myself if i truly didn’t want to write that day. to elaborate about ‘small’, there’s several different options!

before i got into fandom writing, poetry was the holy grail for me because it didn’t require much effort! i used my phone or the nearest notebook i had to just scribble down my feelings in just a few lines. it helped me feel better quickly just to get it off my chest, it wasn’t time consuming, and there was no planning required so it wasn’t overwhelming to me! poetry is fun to just play around with and you can kind of make up your own rules, so feel free to try that as a warm up or experiment as well!

but you mentioned specifically fics and fandom writing, so there are some options for that as well!

drabbles are a great idea as an intro to writing in my opinion! they’re wonderful practice for finding your ‘writing voice’ and learning which genres and topics you enjoy writing about before diving headfirst into a long fic! if you plan on publishing it, they’re also a great way to set the tone for readers of what your future works will be like! (another exercise similar to this is word prompts, where you choose a random word and just try to write and see what comes out!)

WIPs are fairly controversial, but who cares? if you’ve got something you want to write and you want to publish a chapter indefinitely throughout the year just when you feel like it, go for it! it’s still a creative outlet and it’s still you expressing yourself, which means it’s fully worth it.

that being said, my entire world changed after i started outlining. if you want to write a full fic to be published at once, the most helpful thing is to have a plan. it doesn’t have to be nailed down or perfect, but even just scribbling down some random scene ideas or plot points can help! from there, if you feel like it, you can go as detailed as you want and add things like goal word count, character bios, etc. until it begins to take the shape of a full story!

while keeping all of this in mind, i know i’m stressing it but it’s so important to remember that how you view this can be the change in how all of this pans out. writing for yourself is the goal here -- getting attached to hits or kudos or reblogs only provides temporary validation. it’s nice but it’s not going to give you that emotional payoff.

you mentioned that writing was a passion of yours and writing can be extremely cathartic, especially when you’re writing about an interest or something you love! no part of it should be extremely stressful or make you more anxious than when you started. i honestly can’t recommend it enough, even if you don’t share your first drafts or if you end up scrapping parts of it later on. no matter how long or short it is and no matter if it’s something you think people will read or not.

with depression and ADHD especially, writing is the perfect mix of pushing yourself and achieving goals without going too far, and it’s helped me in my own mental health journey immensely. (most of my works are just emotion-dumps where i use my characters and storylines to cope with whatever’s going on in my current life!) it’s a type of therapy in itself, and to be able to share it in a community of people that view it the same way is just an added bonus! 

speaking more generally regarding your point about trying to enjoy your interests while also dealing with mental health conditions that limit your ability to do so, my go-to method is always just to take it as it comes, or break it down into easier sections to deal with. if i’m doing something and i’m aware of and actively trying to fight an OCD tic (or in your case ADHD behavior), it’s only going to make me more anxious. so my advice would be to take a break and do something comforting to calm down, then return to what you were doing before. we have to remember to be kind to ourselves, especially in this weird time!

conversely, with depression, i try to push myself just slightly. my brain usually wants to give up and shut down and sometimes that’s okay too, but it usually pays off for me if i bargain with myself to keep going or keep trying, like promising myself a nap or some relaxing time if i can finish x amount of whatever i’m working on, if that makes sense. a little bit can go a long way!

ahh sorry, this one kind of got away from me! i’m sorry it’s so lengthy but i hope some part of it resonated with you! the ask touched on a lot of different things so if you need me to clarify anything or elaborate or if you have any more questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me again! i also made a post about my writing process a while ago if that’s something you’d be interested in, and this post from the other day has some other tips on dealing with grief/anxiety that may also be helpful for your situation! 

(also, I'd just like to point out that just from your ask alone I can tell you write really well! I would be very interested in reading something of yours in the future!) 

I'm wishing you the best of luck with your first venture into writing and fics, and I'd be more than happy to help you in any way that I can! I can’t wait to see what all you do <33333 

#ask #misc #about me #advice

[buckysforeverprincess]

Darkness Falls Within

Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers x Winter Soldier, Stucky

Words: 1608

Warnings: Depression, angst, loneliness

A/N: Hello friends! I was listening to music (shocker!) and heard this song and it immediately spoke to me and I came up with a angsty Stucky fic. It’s based on “Waking Up Beside You” by Stabbing Westward and you’ll find the lyrics are bold and italicized. Also there is a picture in the pic by @0-ves-0​. I tried to reach out for permission but they haven’t been active since 2017. I’m still giving credit to them anyway for all their creativity! I hope you all enjoy!

Huffing out a breath, Steve looks down at the mattress, an unfamiliar chill running down his spine. The sheets are still crumpled, a sign he hadn’t been alone in bed before he’d left, but the body that’d been there was gone. Left without a trace like a thief in the night, taking with it the last piece of sanity he was clinging to. Once again asking himself what the fuck he had done wrong. Why wasn’t he worth staying for?

 I've been alone for so long Forgotten by the world forgotten to myself Your effervescent eyes have awakened me And brushed the dust away But I knew you'd never stay

Steve left the apartment, the memories too fresh and he felt the walls were closing in on him. It’d been a month. He was pretty sure Bucky wasn’t coming back, no word from Sam or Clint, all leads on his whereabouts going cold. If the Winter Soldier didn’t want to be found, he wouldn’t, but Steve couldn’t let it go. He ached for his return.

 Their last night together played on repeat in his mind as he walked the lonely streets, the midnight hour’s close at hand. He recalls the moans he made as Bucky entered him, making love at a steady pace, Steve chanting Bucky’s name like a prayer. It was intoxicating, all consuming. Neither one of them could get enough of each other, Steve thinking he’d finally have his forever, Bucky by his side and in his bed. In that final night together, he never thought it would all be a memory, fading like so much of his past.

 So I memorized the color of your eyes As I lost myself inside you I memorized the way our legs entwined As I drifted off beside you

Bucky was everywhere Steve looked. A glance through a window saw familiar blue eyes staring back at him. Every male brunette carried his signature smile and cleft chin. Sometimes he thought he could smell him, his scent filling his lungs like a lifeline, giving him oxygen to breathe. There was no escaping his mind, he was falling into an abyss with no hope of rescue, Bucky the only cure for his insanity.

 I miss, God I miss

Waking up beside you

Two months had passed, all traces of Bucky gone. Steve lay in the bed, curled in a ball, his eyes red as the tears fell to the pillow. The bed smelled of must and stale sex, the sheets never changed after Bucky left.

 Steve really should’ve known, could’ve placed a bet on it, really. Bucky was a creature of habit. No amount of passion and love confessions would ever change him. How many times had Bucky left his side? Too many to count, so he really has no one to blame but himself. The Winter Soldier would never let Bucky be happy. He’d just continue to take and take, until there was nothing left of the man Steve was desperately in love with. He’d take until Bucky Barnes was no more.

 At night I cling to you I'm so afraid Afraid the day will come And I'll wake up and find you gone But you promise that you'd not abandon me And kissed my fears away But I woke up to that day

Maybe it was paranoia, the hairs on his neck always standing up, feeling eyes watching his every move. His stomach would sink when he walked through the streets of Brooklyn alone, looking around thinking he’d catch a glimpse of Bucky, but it wasn’t meant to be. No matter how much he tried to reason with himself, his brain wouldn’t shut off and let reality sink in. The love of his life was gone, only God knows when and if, he’d return.

 Hydra could reach out and grab him, hold him captive for all eternity and he’d just let it happen. It was better to feel something, even pain, than nothing at all. Steve was empty without Bucky, there was nothingness inside practically seeping from his pores. The only thing that could light the spark had fallen off the face of the earth leaving Steve dead and dying a little more each day.

 But I had memorized the way our eyes would meet Reflected in the bathroom mirror And I memorized your naked silhouette As you slowly brushed your hair

Standing at the bathroom sink, he looked in the mirror, not recognizing the man staring back at him.

 “You look like shit.”

 Steve nods at the reflection behind him in the mirror, the blue eyes piercing into his soul, seeing all his secrets.

 “You’re supposed to be taking better care of yourself.”

 Steve shrugs and looks down at the bowl, the running water creeping up, threaten to spill over.

 “Why Steve? Why can’t you just let me go? Move on with your life...be happy?”

 Steve closes his eyes, his subconscious fucking with his reality.

 “I was happy with you…,” he whispers.

 He feels familiar rough lips kiss his cheek, a single tear escaping his eye and falling down his face.

 “The soldier isn’t meant to be happy.”

 His eyes open and he turns around, alone in the room just like he’d been, water now flowing from the sink to the floor. Steve’s knees give out and he crumbles to the ground, sitting on the water-logged floor. He brings his knees to his chest and begins to rock back and forth, crying like he had so many times before, the pain becoming more and more unbearable as time goes on. Nothing he does dulls the pain and he’s resigned himself to knowing this is how he will spend the rest of his life, broken and alone. Captain America brought to ruin by one James Buchanan Barnes.

 I miss, God I miss

Waking up beside you

The Soldier stands in the room, staring down at the bed, watching the blond sleep. A pull in his body wants to reach out and touch the man, his fingers start to gravitate towards him, but he hesitates and pulls back. No! This is not him. Soldat can never have nice things and he knows deep inside this is something nice. Something he wants to covet and keep all to himself.

 The voice deep within him is begging him to stay, “this is our home, our bed...our Steve.” He shakes his head. Steve. My mission. My…

 I've been alone for so long I forgot how much it hurts

To wake up so alone 

Soldat creeps through the apartment, his flesh fingers touching some of the odds and ends the Captain has laid out. It feels familiar, like he belongs here in this place, but it’s not his home. It can’t be. The Soldier doesn’t have a home. He has a base and cold. Soldat only feels cold. So why, looking around this place, does he feel warm? And why is that voice screaming at him, telling him to let the bad go and climb into bed with the mission?

 A picture on a shelf draws his attention, the Soldat stopping in his tracks. 

(Credit to @0-ves-0​)

He stares at it, his steel blue eyes starting to soften. He knows one of them, his mission. His hair is darker than it is now and the clean-shaven man he has encountered has grown a beard, but he knows it’s the Captain. Why else would the picture be here in his apartment if it wasn’t him?

 What draws Soldat in is the face of the other man. The man staring back at him in the picture frame shares the same face as him, except with more emotion. The two men look happy. Soldat isn’t meant to be happy, so why is the voice in his head screaming at him? And why is he compelled to listen? Why does he feel like he belongs here? And why wasn’t he paying attention enough to hear the mission walk into the room and stop dead in his tracks?

 But I memorized how warm your body felt As you lay half asleep beside me And I memorized the way the sunlight filled the room And played upon your body

“Bucky?” Steve’s pinching himself, a silent prayer being said so he won’t wake from his dream.

 “Soldat.” He replies and draws his gun, pointing it in his direction.

 “Bucky, you know me...please…,” Steve begs and steps forward.

 “I…,”

 Steve smiles hoping for a change in Bucky’s demeanor. He watches as the Soldat lowers his gun and drops his shoulders. He moves closer to his love and can see the moment when the recognition and memories come flooding back.

 “Steve…,” Bucky drops to his knees.

 The Captain hurries over and scoops him up, wrapping his arms around him.

 “Bucky.”

 “Stevie...oh, God…”

 “Shhh… it’s okay...you’re home.” Steve rocks him back and forth, tears falling from his eyes as he holds the man.

 “I couldn’t...I tried…he wouldn’t let me go.” Bucky tries to explain.

 “It doesn’t matter now...I’ve got you and I’m never letting you go.”

 “Soldat isn’t meant to be happy…,” Bucky begins to explain, “...but I had to come here, had to try to get him to see...I don’t want to be him anymore, Stevie...I’m so empty without you.”

 “My world was dark without you.” Steve pulls them down to the floor, their bodies now laying side by side. “Just promise me you’ll never leave again. Please Bucky? Promise me you’ll fight through whatever life throws our way.

 “I promise.”

 The Soldat’s smile is concealed by the grip of Steve’s body around him.

 I miss, God I miss

Waking up beside you

Forever Tags:

@caplanreads​ @the-real-kellymonster​ @jamesbarnesappreciationclub​ @kruscht​ @v-2bucky​ @palaiasaurus64​ @breezy1415​ @amandaoftherosemire​ @sarahp879​ @supernaturaldean67​ @averyrogers83​ @winters-beauty​ @scarlettsoldier​ @lovely-geek​ @titty-teetee​ @suz-123​ @malfoysqueen14​ @callmebucky-doll​ @ronnie248-blog​ @alyssaj23​ @drakelover78​ @thisismysecrethappyplace​ @geeksareunique​ @childishhoebinoo​ @thesassmisstress​ @brieannakeogh​ @peaceinourtime82​ @theoneanna​ @leosandbuckysgirl​ @coal000​ @the-goddess-of-mischief​ @mychemicalimagines​ @thirsty-hoes-central  @awkwardfangirl2014​ @strangenerdsstuff​ @sea040561​ @marvelobsessedteen​ @capnbuck-tiltheend-oftheline​ @thefandomplace​ @collette04​ @nishanki1​ @notyourtypicalrose​ @jamielea81​ @onebatch--twobatch​ @courtmr​ @emelody​ @miraclesoflove​ @kcd15​ @clarysthing​ @crist1216​ @yknott81​ @babypink224221​ @xxloki81xx​ @death-unbecomes-you​ @ellaprime68​ @littlemarvelfics​ @thatfanficstuff​ @hotoffthepressfics​ @chuuulip​ @dj-lowkey​ @shield-agent78​ @unlikelygalaxygiver​ @viarogers​ @dtftheavengers​ @firstangeldragonranch​ @southernbell91​ @lancetuckershairgel​

#stucky #Steve Rogers x James Barnes #Steve Rogers x Winter Soldier #Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes #Steve Rogers #Bucky Barnes #James Barnes #James Bucky Barnes #the winter soldier #song fic #waking up beside you #stabbing westward #marvel #marvel characters #angst #depression #lonliness

[millennialzadr]

About Page!

Hello~! Thank you so much for visiting my blog! My name is Koya, I’m 25, I’m pansexual, my pronouns are she/her, and I’m a full time freelance artist! My main blog is @koyakyuuun, so I’ll be liking and following from there!

Below are some guidelines for those who are curious to know more about this blog and what to expect from it, as well as some general info and FAQs!

Content Guidelines!

The focus of this blog!

So this blog is a mish mash of a couple different themes, but above all it is an adult oriented Invader Zim fan blog!! I grew up with the show and and was a BIG fan during highschool, and after rediscovering it this year I have been DAZZLED and DELIGHTED by the fan content being produced today!! I have a deeply nostalgic yet completely new perspective on the show now that I’m in my 20s, so alongside of celebrating iz content and fan content in general, this blog will center around my niche fave: the iz cast + millennial culture! in other words, the characters depicted as if they lived in the real world and aged in real time! I loved and related to the characters as a kid, and I still love them dearly to this day, so to see people experiment with character interpretations and create adult versions of them means I can still relate to them even now, and even make my own versions! and as a queer neurodivergent millennial who loves niche culture, my favorite versions of the characters are queer neurodivergent millennials who love niche culture!! (and by niche culture I mean MEMES, AESTHETICS, BAD FASHION, GAY CULTURE, CRYPTID CULTURE, DARK CORNERS OF THE INTERNET, CREATIVELY WEIRD SELF EXPRESSION ETC!!)

And of course the other main theme which fits into the first: ZADR! while I don’t ship Zim and Dib as they’re canonically presented in the show, I DO adore the idea of the two growing up together, eventually becoming friends, and eventually falling in love. I’m a Big Gay and I love romance and lgbt content, and ZADR holds such a soft place in my heart 😭 I wrote a big post about why I love it so much which you can see here if you’re curious about my interpretation of the ship!

And now, some guidelines!!

Things I enjoy and will be posting/reblogging!

- general IZ content! because holy SHIT I love the show and ALL the content the fandom creates is awe inspiring and amazing!!!

- millennial culture/humor! I FUCKING LOVE IZ + 2019 POP CULTURE REFERENCES AND MEME CONTENT OKAY

- POSITIVE CONTENT! IZ is my comfort content and I deeply admire the positive impact the show has had on so many people. I also interpret Zim and Dib as having hard lives and mental problems but eventually recovering and finding happiness (and making each other happy!!). I do also love vent content and gritty/dark themes from an artistic standpoint (and of course comedic Depression™ memes) but I will be focusing much more on comforting and uplifting content!

- character development/relationships, fluff, comedy, domestic content, daily life, sci fi, conspiracy/cryptid content, fashion portraits and camp horror!! these are my favorite themes!!

- friendship, romance, and found family!! I adore the relationships between the characters and they ALL DESERVE LOVE!!!!! JHONEN CAN BITE MY ASS

- the IZ creators!! speaking of Jhonen LOL I LOVE seeing content about the creators themselves!! I genuinely have such affection and admiration for the wonderful people who brought and continue to bring the world of IZ to life, they are such amazing and inspiring human beings and I will be celebrating them alongside their creations!!

- IZ characters + aesthetics!! some of my MOST favorite IZ content depicts the characters being stylized with or sporting the fashion of vaporwave, goth, grunge, pastel, spacecore, cryptidcore, future funk, 90s disastercore and any and all things strange, niche, glittery and neon, and I FUCKING LOVE IT. GOD

- and lastly, I talk a fuck of a lot, as you can probably tell by this post lol. I’ll be screaming in the tags constantly and am liable to write the occasional super long text post! for those who are into that, I invite you to have discussions with me! and for those who aren’t, feel free to ignore them!

Things I will be staying away from!

- romantic content that depicts the characters as minors AKA underage zadr!! there will be no kid ships here! I’m an adult and only enjoy shipping adult versions of the characters! kid content will be either canon, wholesome, or friendship content! while I do find adult versions of the characters attractive since they have qualities I find attractive in real life, I see the adult versions as almost completely different people since they’re so far removed from the source content, and the love I feel for the canon kids is HIGHLY maternal and very nostalgia centric. this would probably be more clear if I didn’t lump the two types of content into the same blog, but I really do love both the adult fan interpreted IZ world and the canon IZ world in equal measure, just in different ways!

- content that fetishizes or ‘yaoi’-fies gay relationships! I am a queer person and I enjoy queer content made by queer people for queer people, you’re not gonna find any “B-BUT WE’RE BOTH BOYS!” shit here 😂

- content that depicts abuse between friends or partners!! while violence is an active theme in zim and dib’s canonical relationship, I very much dislike zadr content that depicts the two being aggressive or malicious towards each other while they’re supposedly in love. complex relationships are certainly interesting, but while toxic and abusive relationships are realistic, they’re not okay and should not be romanticized. I understand some people use that kind of content to cope, but for me it’s nothing but bad feelings. sparring and play fighting is fine and good, consensual violence could be interesting to explore, but hatred will stay separate from romance on this blog.

- discourse and long conversations about negative topics! I acknowledge the importance of discussing problems within the fandom, however I wish for this blog to be a positive and comforting place, since iz content in general is positive and comforting for me! there may be an occasional post that touches on real life negative topics but overall this will be kept to a minimum.

- explicit content!! while I DO both draw and consume nsfw adult zadr content, it will not be on this blog! since tumblr decided to be idiots and remove any way for minors and people who don’t wish to see nsfw content to hide it, this blog will remain pg-13. I will also not be providing any links to my other sites because of this (I am a nsfw artist and I sell porn commissions for a living, not trying to shove that in the faces of my minor, ace and sex repulsed followers, but by all means seek out my art if you DO wish to!). similarly, I will not be releasing my nsfw zadr art publicly anywhere, since aged up characters are controversial and my career, being online, could suffer if someone wanted to use that against me. HOWEVER, for fellow adult fans with extra cash who take a shine to my art, paid content could be a possibility in the future 👀

Interaction Guidelines!

Things I’m okay with!

- tagging my posts in any way you wish! kinning is fine! any ship interpretation is fine! any gender/orientation interpretation is fine! sharing your thoughts/opinions is fine!

- as long as you CREDIT me! using my art for icons/headers etc, drawing my iz designs, referencing my art, and reposting my art on other sites is all okay!

- asks or anons of any questions you might have about me or my content!

- asks or anons popping in to share thoughts, opinions and ideas! it’s always nice to hear from other fans!

- leaving comments in the tags/replies/reblogs of my posts makes me very happy!! tumblr is the only place I post my fanart and I love seeing what people think of it!

Things I’m not okay with!

- messages, reblogs, tags or asks that are blatantly rude or disrespectful! I really do not care what the subject or reason is, if you act like an asshole, I will not respond and will block you!

- asks or messages that say only ‘hi’ or ‘how are you?’ I have no problem with people trying to be friendly but I never have a single idea of how to reply to these kinds of messages, I’m so sorry 😂 please talk to me about fandom stuff though!!

- pressure to produce content! I like any other creator adore comments and compliments, but things like “DRAW MORE!!” “MORE ZADR!!” “WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DRAW MORE!!” are not compliments!! it is in fact very off putting so please don’t do that! it will mess with my motivation! consider commissioning me if you want more content!

- if you are considering trying to be my friend, please be 20+!! I am not comfortable being friends with teens! nothing against my teen followers, I respect and appreciate you, but please understand I cannot relate to you on a personal level, and besides that, being friends with someone over 20 can be harmful and even dangerous for minors! I am an adult and only wish to have adult friends! please respect my wishes!

About my content!

So since what I like to draw is usually pretty different from the show, here are the basic headcanons for my interpretations of adult Zim and Dib~! Basically they’re queer 2019 millennials who are damaged but doing their best and enjoy niche interests and subcultures. Zim is the type who’s tough to handle but it’s worth it because he’s an amazing and colorful person underneath it all and only those he’s close to get to see that, and Dib is an eccentric but completely reliable, intelligent, passionate, and loyal friend whose company is a familiar comfort and a total safe space. They live together and are mutually beneficial allies to friends to lovers!

I HAVE A FIC, or at least an idea for one lol and when using my designs for the characters, my drawings will most likely be set in its context! Affectionately nicknamed the Soft AU, it’s centered around rest, recovery, affection, care and bonding… bc I’m SOFT OKAY 😂 You can read the full summary here, but here’s the gist!

A little over a decade after arriving on earth, Zim’s banishment is reinstated and as a result his entire base and all his equipment is confiscated, leaving him stranded on Earth with no way off the planet and in danger of being caught and killed by the humans. Dib offers him a deal that he’ll hide Zim instead of turning him in in exchange for letting him study Zim. They live together in Dib’s apartment and eventually get used to each other. Loneliness induced affection ensues. Hooray!!

And now for the boys themselves!

My Dib!

- 25, 6′2″, Mexican, cis boy, bisexual, bilingual

- is recovering from depression and anxiety and has ADD and insomnia, has had a nicotine addiction

- has a ton of ear piercings and a few facial piercings, as well as a few tattoos

- is still just as obsessive about his interests as he was as a kid, just with more curbed enthusiasm due to, yknow, depression. researching Zim however brings his enthusiasm back full force. he still sucks at taking care of himself when enthralled with his work but he’s getting there

- runs various blogs, forums, and youtube channels making content about cryptids and conspiracy theories, the ad revenue of which is his main source of income (he dislikes using his father’s money to support himself, but will dip into the family account occasionally)

- is very patient and can communicate and problem solve very well, and is skilled at handling various conflicts and mental issues

- still has his ‘I hate people’ attitude but is more open minded and understanding than he used to be, and more compassionate. he has difficulty trusting strangers but his friends and family are very important to him

- can be moody and dramatic but he’s a big sweetheart at his core

- being friends with Zim has made him more willing to enjoy acting like a huge dork and total weirdo, even in public

My Zim!

- young adult, 5′5″, androgynous presenting demi boy, panromantic demisexual

- has PTSD and anxiety, is recovering with help from Dib

- displays inhuman behavior such as hissing, growling, chirring, chirping, scratching/biting, screeching, territory guarding and dominance displays

- is a demi boy, meaning he identifies as mostly but not completely male, and is more nonbinary than cis, but he’s never given it too much thought because gender is stupid. he has little to no concept and zero regard for human gender roles

- is a SHIT who’s main entertainment is annoying Dib and ‘winning’ arguments, but Dib seems to get harder to piss off as time goes on, much to his confusion

- pitches a fit when he doesn’t agree with/doesn’t want to do something but can be swayed with rewards such as food, sweets, new clothes, video games etc

- rambunctious and high energy, he gets stir crazy often, but since he hates the city he and Dib often take car trips to more fun/nicer places outside the neighborhood

- moody and bratty with skewed logic but smart and more intuitive than he used to be, he’s more than a handful to deal with, but this also makes him the most entertaining person Dib knows

- after having the free time to discover the world of aesthetics, he becomes very much into clothes, make up, accessories etc (be they masculine or feminine) and enjoys making a hobby out of creating a unique self image using fashion (thus also subconsciously asserting his individuality)

- is much more dependent on Dib than he admits (or even realizes)

- his beliefs in nationalism, fascism and genocide are direct results of brainwashing and personality altering programs run by his PAK, and are not actually part of his core personality (these programs will be overridden and deleted eventually)

Side Note: I haven’t thought as far with the other characters but my Gaz and Tak are definitely lesbians 😂

And finally, my tag list!

#my art - things that I drew!

#my post - any post that I posted!

#asks - asks!

#text post - any text post longer than a couple lines!

#video - videos!

#audio - audios!

#canon - content from the show/comic/movie etc!

#creators - any content featuring the IZ cast or crew!

#memes - memes, shitposts, short comics, comedic posts etc!

#friends - friendship art between any characters!

#family - family bonding between the membranes/found family between any characters!

#ships - ship art between adult characters!

#suggestive - any content that could be considered sexual in nature!

#positive - fluff, friendship, wholesome content, uplifting content, characters being happy/cute/having fun etc!

#negative - angst, vent art, violence, mental illness, dark themes, characters fighting/being sad/getting hurt etc!

#kids - content depicting characters as kids/irkens as their canon designs!

#adults - content depicting characters as adults/irkens with noncanon designs!

#millennials - content depicting adult characters that includes any modern culture! (personal fave)

#aesthetic - highly stylized or surreal portraits centered around aesthetic themes!

ship tags!: zadr (zim and dib romance), tagr (tak and gaz romance), rapr (red and purple romance)

friendship tags!: zadf (zim and dib friendship), tagf (tak and gaz friendship), zatf (zim and tak friendship), tadf (tak and dib friendship), zagf (zim and gaz friendship), zag (zim and gir)

character tags!: zim, dib, gaz, tak, gir, red, purple, membrane, skoodge, gretchen, keef, spork, miyuki, recap kid, bg chars, ocs

#i wrote an about since this blog is growing FAST #and i intend on staying active for a long time!! #i'll be using all the new tags from now on! #about #faq #my post

[ohcxssidy]

HI babies i’m kristin and i’m so excited to be BACK bc i love veritas w my whole entire heart and?????? wow. i’m sick and got sent home early from work because of it so i’m a tired binch but i’m here and ready 2 party. i meant to have an insta graphic and playlist done but,,,,,, yikes. so maybe i’ll post those later. if you’d like to plot (or keep with the old plots we had for old members) give this a LIKE or give me a message on here or discord!!!!

stats page // connections page // pinterest board

the basics!

full name: cassidy turner skeleton: the influencer age: 21 major: musical theatre clubs: theatre, campus media (photographer), campus radio job: waitress at giovanni’s

the rest

tw: mentions of death, depression, alcohol

sO cassidy is the oldest of five kiddos. she’s got a twin brother that she’s older than by ten minutes, a half brother (13), and two half sisters (15 and 11)

cass and her twin brother were born in ashmont, ct to rebecca turner and an unknown man (to the twins anyway). their mom always claims it was a fling. he was a musician, and he had left before she found out she was pregnant.

so here you have a 20 year old suddenly now raising twins on her own. she actually did pretty well for the most part and raised her kids to be gr8

cassidy doesn’t ever TRY to be bitter abt it but sometimes it just,,,, happens??? and she hates herself for it bc he didn’t know but how do u leave a pregnant lady on her own idk

when the twins were four, their mom met a  man and eventually married him!! they had three kids over the next few years, which now upped the kiddo count to 5 and they were one big happy family!!!

tbh cass saw him as her father, since he was around from when she was really young, and he was a big part of her life growing up

around this time she met daisey and the two became fast friends!! they spent basically every day together throughout their childhood (more on that later)

but THEN, tragedy struck (bc why would i let my muses be happy who do u think i am)

when cassidy was 15, her step father unexpectedly passed away, and the family was left without any direction. they didn’t have a lot of money to begin with, but now one income to feed six people was not an easy task.

with the combination of grieving, money stress, and probably fear,  her mother fell into a deep depression, finding a coping mechanism through booze. she lost her job along the way, and slowly the money that was left was fading fast.

cass and her twin brother basically took that as a sign that they needed to take responsibility to keep their family alive, so they immediately took up any jobs they could find, just to keep money coming in.

most of their paychecks went into a bank account that would help the kids get by, since their mother didn’t do much of anything to help anymore.

this situation really tore up cassidy’s relationship with her mom, and most of what she feels is resentment and anger towards her mother, even though her brother doesn’t have that same opinion.

around this same time, her friendship with daisey started to fall apart, quicker than she would have imagined. it was a natural drift, coming apart due to daisey’s increasing popularity and cassidy’s lackthereof. nothing was malicious, which made it even tougher. she still misses that friendship sometimes, despite what others say about the girl.

throughout high school, cassidy worked her hardest to get high grades, because she knew that without a scholarship she wouldn’t be able to afford college otherwise.

she hardly got anything below an A, was involved in everything club that she could, and graduated as the salutatorian. she worked hard enough to receive enough scholarship money to cover most of her cost in school.

she’s currently in her final year as a musical theatre major!!!! she’s a nerd abt it too don’t open up a conversation about theatre unless u wanna lose a few hours

(here’s where i start pulling things directly from  my app so they’re getting longer)

cassidy has been involved in so many creative arts let me tell u. she discovered her first love in theatre at seven years old, which was soon followed by singing and dance lessons within the year. throughout the next decade, her love for the performing and the visual arts only grew over time, and some new passions were also discovered.

she also found that she had a talent in photography and writing when she was in high school after a friend convinced her to sign up for the yearbook. what started as just a way to gain another credit and add to her college applications turned into a passion that she would continuously want to pursue. it wouldn’t be her career, but she’d always find a way to keep doing it.

because of these passions, it was no surprise that cassidy would take to social media as another creative outlet. what started out as just posting videos from theatre performances on youtube began to grow into something more, and before she knew it, she was a recognizable name on the platform. she hadn’t planned on becoming an internet personality, but  now that she has, she wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

cassidy has been actively posting videos on youtube for about three years now (essentially since starting college), and her channel currently has about 120 thousand subscribers. her channel mainly focuses on theatre related content, vlogs, advice, and a handful of videos related to bullet journaling and challenges.

a lil hc- cass’ channel is basically a  mix of katherine steele and jenna marbles

she also has a pretty strong following on instagram, so she’s all abt aesthetics and making her page always look neat and pretty

cassidy can be described as a walking advice column disguised as a mom friend. she is incredibly warm and welcoming, (which can even be seen in the clothes she chooses to wear), and she always has a kind word or smile to give anyone that crosses her path on a day to day basis.

she has been known in the past to strike up a conversation with a stranger, just because she liked their shirt, or they share the same coffee order. if someone comes up to her on the street needing advice, she’ll give it to them in a heartbeat, even it’s a simple “dump him”. she’d probably give you the shirt off her back if you asked her nicely (pls ask nicely)

she doesn’t like to make a habit of sharing some of the deep dark past things that were mentioned earlier, mainly because of how many of her classmates come from money. because of this, she’s never truly felt like she fit in amongst the wealthy community that attends and surrounds the university. she’s always trying to fit in with her peers, but nothing ever seems to be enough.

ever since the news of daisey’s disappearance, cassidy has truly been at a loss for words, or even thoughts. for almost fifteen years of her life, there had hardly been a day where cassidy  wouldn’t see daisey’s face, even in passing between classes after their friendship ended. since then, she still looks for her as she walks around campus, as if the whole thing was a dream, and daisey rutherford is still around and running st. etienne university.

okAY now its time for some lil fun facts and hcs!!

stans john mulaney don’t @ me

cries all the time bc a bitch is fuLL of emotions lskfjsldk. soft commercial? tears. she’s happy? crying. she saw a dog on the street?? grab the tissues. she’s a mess

her style varies but she always keeps a jacket or sweatshirt in her bag bc she’s cold a lot but also comfort™

started working in campus radio her freshman year just to try it out but now she rlly loves it!!!!!

has been in a ton of shows throughout her childhood. if you feel like looking at a mild shitpost i made for her, check out cassidy’s theatre resume (which is normal until the bottom)

honestly? just wants to give everyone hugs

this is so long im tired the end

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I'm pretty proud of myself today. It's easy to feel like you're doing better when there's no imminent problem - it's coping with those problems that really define "doing better". Today I did better.

I was really upset I didn't get my deposit from welfare and I had alot of negative thoughts like I don't deserve this money anywYs and I should just struggle because it's a hand out but like that's not really okay and even if other people think that they're not stealing food to eat? I live a secondary very poverty filled life. I keep up an act of being healthy or not hungry or not in need. I put an effort into how I look even if I can't really afford to all the time because your less likely to receive help the more you look like you need help.

But this is my honest true life and I actually appreciate my friend seeing through my jokes about it and responding in a moderately serious manner and relating to my plight. It helped set a better honest reality between us as well.

So I cried about it and was frustrated. I wanted to get more overdraft but it's shameful I'm in overdraft already and I shouldn't need to anyways. They wouldn't do it over the phone. I decided to get dressed and take pictures. Then I went to the square and worked on my laptop for an hour before it died and I went home. But then a few hours later, after eating lunch, I went to the library and continued to work on my shop before going home again.

I got frustrated around 5 - still no money and it's been six fucking days. Four business days. Crazy. It's a direct deposit. I went to the bank and asked about it - they had no answer. I asked about overdraft and I had like an awkward meeting with I suppose my financial guy. He d3cidrd to apply for a credit card like its somehow any better but then forged the hell out of the application and I left but wow the insane lies he put that are not remotely what my life is.like he created a fantasy life on paper that is just lies. I did not realize until I walked away because I did not tell him anything of this nature so wow.

Then I saw a friend who offered more cash which I felt realllllllly shitty for because she's given me 140$ in like a week. Literally. And I can only hope she doesn't put that together cuz wow that's not good. But I didn't ask her for anything but 50 so it's less bad but not good. Not proud. I am trying though. This is the most amount of trying I've done and like I want to just be better but it's a process and I'm really learning to accept the process of getting better. It really is like daily hourly thing and I'm being mindful to take it easy because I can't do it all. Im not even ready to. But I am ready to let go of my past and my tragedy. Here's a fun tinder fact: no matter how long u talk to a person, no matter what topic if youbmention dead parents the convo almost always stops. I am literally being myself. I have no I'll will or anything like I'm being friendly and socializing and being interested in the people of the world and as soon as that drops, it's like a r3cord scratch, everyone leaves. Like am I lying? Do they think I'm making it up? Is it too heavy? Man, ppl casually drop oh I'm having dinner at mybmoms or fishing with dad but I can't even say they don't exist.

This is not a me problem. That's their problem and I'm not mad about it but it's something to know. I have to ignore this to maintain regular conversation and that sucks but I have to adapt.

I'm becoming independent from him and it's great not to be tied up emotionally in him. I love him and it's not over but I really don't care right now. I am working on me. He said today in jest that I didn't call him back like I said I would a few hours before. I didn't realize he even cared. He doesn't really but he does. He mentioned not getting a desperation text yesterday I guess because he called and I didn't actually call back. He knows I'm on tinder as well and I'm sincerely not even going to meet anyone in person but it's really harmless. I think he knows this but obviously feels some ways.

To be honest I'm not sure how to be a better partner right now. I include him in my happenings for the most part and I maintain interest in his life but he's not here and I'm honestly getting bored. Hopefully as I get better I'll find more things to occupy my time. Like if I keep trying and working on myself it'll just come to my life because it's apart of getting better. Maybe I'll paint. The mandolin was really good even if I play3d it 5 times. That really saved me and like gave me one iota of who I am. I am a wake up and do a thing person. I make it happen. And I showed myself that I could get a mandolin and play it to some d3gree. I made music with it. Very well invested 17$ to lay on the floor and play bad mandolin.

So I can do this. And maybe progress and gettingbbeter sometimes is boring. That's what makes it unappealing to the depressed. It's not super fun all the time. It's not instant happy.

I have no plans for tomorrow. I really want my bike back from my not great friends house but she's far and sucks. I don't want to hang out with her. I don't have a ton of options and I mostly hangout with her for free weed now. Not because I really want to see her. Doesn't help the boredom problem.

I do have some money and I hope my other money comes in because I'm scared to spend this now. Actually it's okay because I've spent some and can't afford easy weed. I think I'll survive with the small amounts I gather and if I do go to her house for free weed I really need to ride my bike home so maybe I won't go unless I do that but weed isn't known for its activity.

Atleast I'll have reason to go out and eat. Maybe grocery store for cat food. New pens for my journal. I wish I had my bike to go the other way even though it's probably the same distance as the normal walk. I could get better pens.

Whatever. If I wake up and get dressed it'll be great. I'm trying to take a picture a day which is easy and builds confidence and explores my early creative life passions again. I used to take great self portraits. I want to do that again but my phone really sucks. I still used to make do anyways. I'm trying to do my makeup with effort even though it's cheap shitty makeup. I look okay though. I'm not trying to hide anything but it's like putting on a mask and helps me pretend like I'm apart of the hustle too.

I do miss him.

[ravingsofajunkie]

“At least you’re still alive”. It’s almost as bad as “at least you’re sober”. I really have no idea what those mean to me. Alive…dead…sober or high, I don’t see importance of one state over another. Suicidal, I am not. I’ve been suicidal before because I thought that’s what you do when you’re depressed. A suicidal thought would cross my mind saying life would be much easier if I weren’t here. I would go with that thought believing it was real. But if there was any amount of known pain involved in a certain method of suicide I wouldn’t want use it. So the best way was Tylenol. Right? As if! Twice even!

My belief system had been this: I’m capable of thinking a thought therefore it must be true and I have no choice but to follow that one path. I really didnt know, deep down, I had a choice about everything…and I mean e-ve-ry-thing until about 2013. My first lesson was in 2004. Being sober for almost a year I found some solace at a Methodist church in the Lakeview neighborhood of Chicago. I attended an orientation class for those who were curious about becoming more involved with that specific church. The straight pastor who had been suspended from serving this church for marrying gay couples said, “we’re more universalist than Methodist here. Some of us actually believe that Jesus didn’t rise from the dead which doesn’t mean youre not a Christian.” I knew what he said was Truth yet still I was flabbergasted and gratitude radiated from my body like light from the sun.

The second lesson was in 2011. I had been using crystal meth off and on for about a year. My most personal and revealing tweak was carpet combing. I would spend hours (in total adding up to days and days) combing through my carpet to see if I or anyone else had dropped any crystal meth whether or not it was used in that part of the apartment. The sense of lack in my life was fierce. Lack of choices. Lack of friends. Lack of money. Lack of worthiness. I wanted more T and that shiT was expensive. Letting the cat out of the bag and revealing my tweak to a “friend” he said, “You have a choice. You need to tell yourself to get up off the floor and do something else. That shit is pathetic”. Why did he have to add THAT at the end? My sense of lack was so loud I had neglected my truer instincts.

I have never understood concepts such as a God based out of major religions, baptism, funerals, I am supposed to give a shit about the plight of every human being (especially when I could imagine aspects unknown to my experience and without judgment), and the importance of “at least I didn’t die”. Gosh, I must be a heartless person. That’s not what most people have told me, though. My first sponsor (in AA) of eight years mentioned that I was very altruistic at least once in every conversation, always trying to affirm my worthiness. I had no idea what that meant, at first, so I looked it up. It meant I was a very giving person with no expectation of reward or reciprocity? Please. No one…absolutely no one I know is the perfect model of altruism. A reward always awaits in anything we do or are with the simple release of the feel -good-chemical dopamine. I had started to hate all people because I gave too much of my energy trying to be friends with everyone. I sat on the term, altruism, for quite a long time trying understand why he would say that. My sponsor also sat on a pedestal where i had placed him until it came crashing down during the “relapse” or “revolving door” years between 2009-2012. I recall six major flaws in our relationship. 1. He would always forget routine activities that had been happening for years. 2. When I started “relapsing” on Crystal Meth his ignorance and lack of curiosity of what I was going through climaxed with “you were gone for three months and you still have your teeth”. 3. He actually meant “intuitive” or “empathic”…not altruistic…u’s, t’s and i’s…I see it. (And yes ive had almost all UTIs…LOL) 4. The statement, “you are now a chronic relapser” stung. 5. I was way too sensitive. 6. I placed him on that damn pedestal…he’s not perfect.

In 2013 my experiences had been traumatizing enough to bring me back to sobriety and rehab for what I had thought would be the fifth and last time. I had been attending back to back workshops at Haymarket, the boot camp rehab center in Chicago’s West Loop (two blocks away from Oprah’s Harpo studios) for poor and mandated-by-court patients.The difference between previous rehab experiences and this one was I had sensed an overwhelming flood, an abundance, of worthiness with no external motivation but the observation of a few opinions being thrown my way. Id, ego and super-ego were bookended with the father, son and holy spirit in a matter of a couple hours. Accompanied by my “mind, body, and spirit” theories floating around in my head I had made the connection between the holistic, religious, and psychiatric examples. They’re all the fucking same. Fuckers. Everyone. The whole bit. We, as human beings, have come to a place of identification and political correctness, no matter how liberal or conservative, dividing ourselves into the most lonely of separation. It’s all the fucking same. We’re all the fucking same. A fun bitterness accompanied those thoughts and feelings…just pure instinct, knowing, curiosity, and worthiness. Or was I just close enough to the A-Ha energy emenating from Harpo Studios? Who cares?! Naturally, bitterness arrived in the grieving process of letting go of old conditioning, assumptions and ideogy later on but I knew I had touched on Truth. Without knowing I had set out on a mission to choose my own belief system. The excitement of a clear internal motivation allowed me to hear the quiet “no of all nothing” (e.e. cummings) and the little guide posts externally along the way, aka synchronicity. A common phrase in AA made more sense to me then and now. “These (ideas, thoughts, 12 steps, clichés) are merely suggestions. You can take them or leave them”. Now if they, as one example of a recovery community, actually knew how to do that I would still be involved.

Ironically, despite my internal spark, two pieces of advice that I can give anyone today to achieve this state of mind, of knowing abundance, are not of my own making.

1. Set a hoola-hoop around you on the ground. Whether or not you have done this literally or in your mind’s eye, the only thing you need to worry about is inside this hoola-hoop. Dudes…all that gobbledeegook out there, i.e. media, government, gossip, your neighbors, etc are mostly a distraction. Everyday, all day, little by little, I gave this thought and asked myself, “why am I doing this? What is my motivation”. I have a tendency to over do things but the importance of being able to take all of my attachments and examine them overwhelms me with gratitude. My goal was to identify and keep my sense of inner motivation. Ironically I discovered that abundance after quitting injecting crystal meth on my own yet still getting high as a kite. More on that later.

2. Get religion out of ‘spirituality’. I don’t give a fuck if you’re atheist, muslim, naturalist, scientist, evolutionist, creationist, christian, or a devil worshipper. It’s all the same and 99% of all people can relate to this definition. The most important thing next to feeling worthy is being able to communicate our worthiness to each other. Just retrain your brain. Easy, right? If you’re too lazy to do it, fine. Ive been super lazy about lesser important things about which most people have pigeon-holed me into a being bad person. True, external motivation/inspiration exists but I cannot give you your worthiness. You have to feel that all on your own. So, take it or leave it.

Spirit - that life-giving source…the spark of life…energy everywhere…infinite microcosm….infinite macrocosm…atoms…universes…the unknowable thing that makes you or me breathe or get up in the morning or feel or do or be or the fact that scientists say that energy cannot be destroyed.

—“I’ve got spirit! Yes, I do! I’ve got spirit! How 'bout you?!”

Spiritual - expressing that energy. For all people and things something is being expressed. Even a rock.

Spirituality - experiencing the energy from within and from without. The sharing of that energy. Giving and receiving. Selfishness and selflessness. Reciprocity. The flow. Not Aunt Flo….but…The Flow.

What does this have to do with the phrases “at least you’re still alive” and “at least you’re sober”? Because I feel that it’s all the same, life, death, energy. To say otherwise is to imply shame or that I am not as good of a person for being high or dead. I’ve given myself the chance (time and space) to experience where motivation, creativity, inspiration, passion, love, hate, boredom etc comes from. All of these are within the realms of the abundance and gratitude I feel. I think it’s a lot like the idea of Zen….that energy and motivation are coming from the “no of all nothing”. Relax and go. And it’s even okay to question it all because I am naturally human, merely a doubter, a forgetter, blinded by my ability to separate, organize and categorize. In that painful distraction I can experience an even more powerful understanding that “it’s all the same.” Through the Flow of every experience, high or sober… dying or living, I can allow my humanness to evolve into knowing a little better than the last time I forgot. I have come to accept that, over time, I have seemingly no choice but to evolve in any state of being through some higher purpose…or inner purpose…or. Maybe I’m limiting myself by saying I have no choice in the matter. But until that discovery my options seem endless. And only by experiencing and expressing will I be able to see and know those options.

I am existence. I am energy. I am expressing my True Self through the tool of categorization (aka the Ego or Original Sin) and with each glorious experience. I choose to believe in my worthiness through the abundance of my expression without as much filter of seperateness and as many boundaries as I need.

Life is a paradox. I am a paradox.

May The Force be with you.

#charity