#okay it's like 4 am and I've been stressing out for hours now and the only thing I've eaten all day is chips so maybe I'm just delirious rn

[macabr3-barbi3]

CTRL ALT DELETE- Task Manager (Vox/Reader)

Something's up with Vox and you offer to help troubleshoot- it both does and does not go how you're expecting it to.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/54688282

The least serious thing I've ever written: inspired by the time i started a timer in class one day to see how long my teacher talked about her son instead of teaching us; i ended up realizing 4 months later that i never stopped the timer and it was just running in the background and making my shit slow that entire time lmao there's a screenshot in the ao3 notes

Tags: Stress Relief, Sexual Tension, Chair Sex, Vaginal Fingering, Begging, Computers. Dirty Talk, very basic knowledge of computers

<3<3<3<3<3<3

Your new boss seemed stressed. 

Not in the usual way that he was stressed, either- the note from the assistant you had replaced was that usually when Vox was having an off day he would call for Valentino or have you pull a list of low earners for the month, banishing you from the room in either case. But he hadn’t spent any time with Val in months, basically the entire time that you’d been working with him as a personal assistant after getting promoted from a stage grunt for the news channel.

You had thought for a bit that he might make a move- that maybe that was why he promoted you, that he was charmed enough by you to end the on/off thing he had going on with Val, which made sense based on the timing. But when you tested that theory recently- made double entendres, brushed your hands against his arms or leg or back, blatantly invited him out for dinner and drinks- he didn’t seem interested. He declined your invite, allowed you to touch him without being overcome with lust, and the sex jokes just seemed to go whoosh. 

Right over his head. 

He was on edge and twitchy. He took longer to respond to things than he normally did, his processors slow, occasionally getting a ‘buffering’ message that flashed across his screen when someone asked a question. His hypnotic eye seemed to be suffering as well, the swirls having slowed down now to the point that they were no more mesmerizing than watching paint dry. It was frustrating and enraging him, and in turn frustrating you- he was fucking hot when he was angry, which didn’t help your attraction to him that he was ignoring. 

He was sitting at his desk in the control room when you entered, head in his hands as he stared at a piece of paper on his desk. The monitors were all lit behind him, showing recorded footage of the Tower throughout the day- you spotted a short recording of yourself talking to some of the marketing team a few hours ago. Like a Valentino caricature he read the paper, blinked his eyes a couple times, read it again. Picked it up and pulled it closer to his face like that would help, and his screen scrolled the words along the bottom like his internal system was trying to transcribe it so something he could understand. He finally dropped the paper with a groan, letting it flutter to the floor where it slipped under his chair and stopped just before you. 

“Are you okay, sir?” The question is out before you can stop it, and as was the normal recently it took a few minutes for him to answer. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he muttered, swiveling around to look at you. He clutched the sides of his screen, eyes narrowed and mouth delayed in its movements as he spoke. “I feel like I can’t focus on anything. I can’t process anything. My- just, fucking everything is slow and useless in my head right now! How am I supposed to be a master media manipulator when I can’t fucking concentrate for more than two minutes at a time?”

“You have seemed more… stressed than usual,” you agree. “Are none of your usual relaxing activities helping? Or have you done any troubleshooting?”

He raises an eyebrow. “Pardon?”

“Troubleshooting,” you say again, and at his blank stare you chuckle a little. “You know, doing a couple ‘quick fix’ things to see if that’s what’s causing the problem. Do you have like, a cache or something that you have to clear? An archive dump to get rid of old files?” You let your eyes track his body from top to bottom. “I’m not super familiar with how your… anatomy works?”

God, but you wanted to be.

He blinks a couple times. “I think I used to have someone that did that for me,” he says. “Years ago. I fired them because it didn’t seem necessary, I was running perfectly fine.”

“Yeah, well, that might be what the problem is.” You offer him a soft smile. “Sometimes stuff will work in sub-optimal conditions for a while before it starts causing issues. I used to do programming customer support when I was alive- it’s been a while but I could take a look if you want?”

His mouth twists in a frown. “I guess so,” he agrees. “I’m desperate enough to try anything. I need to be able to fucking concentrate if the Vees are gonna stay on top, everyone fucking knows that Val is hopeless with the business aspect of everything.” He gets the buffering symbol on his screen for a few seconds, groaning and shaking his head as he clears. “What do you need access to?”

“Do you have a way to access your… system? Externally,” you clarify. “I’m not a surgeon- I don’t plan on cutting into you to get to anything.”

Vox gestures behind him. “I can hook up to the monitors,” he says, “but we’ll have to be pretty close, doll. I have to be sitting here to be hooked up, and since this is the only chair, looks like this will have to be your seat.” He pats a hand on his thighs, not so much an invitation as a statement.

You fucking wished. You know this isn’t him trying to initiate anything though- you’d been trying for long enough that you’re ready to give it up and just accept that your hot, overlord boss didn’t want to fuck you. Helping him out felt more important than that anyway, so you would do your best.

“You got it,” you say, and cross the remaining space to perch yourself gracefully on his lap. You push the inappropriate thoughts about how firm his muscles are underneath you- how exactly did this man’s body work? Was it really just his head that was not organic matter?- and let him rotate the chair back to face the monitors.

The sight is intimidating, as is the position- you’re surrounded by reflections of yourself from every angle, Vox’s lithe frame seated behind you. This is where he does most of his business, the background site of everything that VoxTec handles. And he’s trusting you to help him fix whatever is wrong with him so he can get back to handling all of that, free of distraction.

You watch as thick wires come up from the floor to plug into the back of his head, the sharp hiss making you wonder if it was painful or intrusive. You won’t ask though, not when you’re getting ready to try to restore him to his usual ruthless self; he might consider that to be prying.

He pulls something up on the main monitor, the one that sits directly across from you, and waves a hand to it. A little keyboard and mouse emerge from the desk as the monitor powers on, and when you glance back you can see the same thing reflected on his face. “Have at it,” you hear him say, even though you can’t see his mouth moving.

Ignoring his open programs for the time being in case he needs any of them, the first thing you do is go in and clear his archived files. He’s got entire terabytes of useless information; employee records for people that have been dead or fired for decades; funny videos that he saved; resources for old news stories that are no longer relevant. Some of it you help him upload to a cloud server- after explaining to him what a cloud server is- and create files to designate for actual important shit.

You find the internal browser that he uses to pull information on the fly and help him clear the cache and cookies.

You help him sort security footage from Vee Tower and get rid of stuff that wasn’t actually necessary, like the short bits of static and dead air that happened whenever he used the cameras to teleport around the building. Everything that he has saved about mentions of that fucking radio demon also goes into the garbage. There are some files you can’t access, things like his memories and day to day recordings of conversations and things that he personally is part of. 

You delete what you can and empty the recycling bin.

As the process has gone on, Vox has relaxed more and more behind you. “I still don’t feel completely back to normal,” he murmurs, “but this is already loads better. It’s like a massage directly on my brain. You know, if I still physically had one.”

You hit the keys to open his task manager- CTRL ALT DELETE. “Unholy fuck- Jesus, sir, if you thought that was good this is gonna feel orgasmic,” you say absently, scrolling through the opens apps and programs that he has running. Has this man ever closed anything? You hadn’t realized a person or device could even have so many things going at once. “Do you just leave everything open in the background?”

He peers around your shoulder, bracing his hands on your hips as he sits up a little straighter. The movement causes your stomach to drop, arousal threatening to make itself known, but you push the notion down as he sets his hands back on the arms of the chair. “I guess so?” He watches you scroll through the extensive list. “I guess it just never occurred to me to close them. Opening the programs to use is just like my stream of consciousness I suppose.”

“Kay, well, that’s stopping now.” You click on the first item on the list- VoxtaGram. “I recommend closing non-essential stuff out at least once a month. More, if you have the time to go through everything. For now, just in case, there is something important we’re gonna go through some of the more recently opened things, set them up to open automatically when you start up, before we reboot your system- wait, can we reboot your system entirely without killing you?”

“No worries there, dear. I can, I just haven’t done it in years because it can take a while to start back up afterwards.” He sneers at the social media page. “You can close that shit. Any of Velvette’s crap she can handle on her own. Same with any of the fucking games that Val loads up when he’s bored- can I delete those entirely? Or block them? Fucking moth and his blue-light addiction…”

You get through a lot of the list, Vox kind of dozing off and only passively participating in the process. You’ve got the gist of it; things like his news sources, contacts list and phone, and the notes app are staying open and set to automatically launch when he does reboot and start back up. Pretty much everything else is closed out, things he pulled up for two seconds weeks ago to check on something or another before abandoning it. You’re making excellent progress when the next thing on the list gives you pause.

“Vox? Why is this- oh my god.” You can’t help it- you start laughing, throwing your head back to rest on his shoulder as you look at what’s now displayed on the screen.

A stopwatch had apparently been started and never stopped. The elapsed time was over three thousand hours, which came out to something like four months if your mental math was correct. He had had this running constantly in the background since you had started working for him, possibly even before. “I think I found the problem,” you chuckled, and his eyes were narrowed as he looked at the timer continuing to tick. “What is this?”

“What the actual fuck?” He buffers for a second- and you’re pleased to note that it’s already much faster than it has been lately- before you hear a dinging sound coming from him. ‘Fucking Hell, I should have known this was all Valentino’s fault.” He drags a clawed hand down his screen in an imitation of a facepalm. “I was timing him. He was fucking ranting about Angel Dust again while we were in a strategy meeting with Velvette- I had the stopwatch going to see how much of the hour session he wasted talking about that whore. I must have forgotten to turn it off.” He barks out a laugh, throwing his head back with the force of it while you look at him with amusement. “I’m gonna owe you big time for this, doll, you’re a lifesaver.”

You close the app out with a smile. “Just trying to help,” you say. “I think that was probably the worst of it- do you want to just try rebooting now?”

He lets out a groan when the app closes, and the sound shoots through your body straight to your core. “Go for it, hun,” he says, eyes closed as he leans back against the chair. “I think I’m good to go now, but it can’t hurt. You were right, sorting this shit out feeling fucking good.”

You’re suddenly very aware of the dampness of your panties as you bypass ‘kinda horny’ straight to ‘fuck me on this desk.’ You scold yourself mentally: Don’t jump your boss. He’s trusting you to help him right now- do not take advantage of that. Do not ride his leg like you very clearly want to because his voice is fucking hot. Fucking focus.

You clear your throat, closing out the task manager and hitting the button to restart him. “See you in a bit, sir.”

You stay seated on his lap just in case- he might still have something he wants you to do when he comes back online, some settings you could apply to close out things that are used for more than a week or so. It’s definitely not because you like the feeling of his strong thigh underneath you, tantalizingly close to your cunt if you, by chance, decided to tilt your hips forward and start grinding down on him. 

After just a few minutes get a message on the main monitor telling you to wait a moment- things start popping up on the other screens surrounding the central one, and it takes you a moment to recognize the pattern.

Its all videos of you- shot from Vox’s perspective, and a mortifying blush takes over your face. They’re all the moments that you had tried coming onto him. The innuendos and subtle entendres, the times that you touched him, pressed yourself against him in a tight space despite having another way to get to the copy machine, when you had invited him out for dinner. There’s also videos where he had just been watching you, apparently, taken from a distance as you spoke with Velvette or passed instructions along to a member of the team or discreetly tried to hide behind a vending machine when you noticed  Val coming into a room. 

There’s a satisfied grumble behind you, and before you can turn to look at him Vox has settled his claws onto either side of your waist and shifted you over a bit, to rest directly on the erection straining his pants. 

Which is a surprise, albeit a pleasant one.

“Thanks for the reset, doll,” he says, and his voice is a quiet growl as he lets his hands wander from your waist to your hips and back again, claw tipped fingers catching on the fabric. “I got a chance to look at some files while I was under and found quite the treat in your logs.”

This could either be very bad or very, very good. “Sir-”

“You know, I’m usually pretty good at picking up what a woman is putting down. Imagine my surprise when I realize you’ve been coming onto me for weeks and my shit was so fucked up and bogged down that I didn’t even notice. Like that?” He uses one hand to point to a screen in the far left of the central monitor, while he snaked his other hand down to rest on your thigh, his hand large enough to encompass the muscle at the edge of your skirt. On the screen, you had come to his office to drop off meeting notes for something you attended on his behalf. You had dropped the stack as you came around his side of the desk, and got down fully on your knees to pick them up, glancing up at him through your lashes. You blush watching it now- it had seemed obvious to you even then, but watching it now, the way that Vox had seen it? When he didn’t say anything about you being face level with his prick you had used a hand on his thigh to brace yourself to stand up, letting your fingers run along the inner seam of his trousers when you rose back to standing. Still no reaction, and you had left his office equal parts turned on and irritated with yourself. Him not having acted on it had been the final nail in the coffin cementing the fact that he was not interested in the slightest.

You let out a weak exhale as the Vox sitting under you gets his other hand in the same position as the first, using his grip to ever so slightly spread your legs on his lap. He lets his fingers skim your inner thighs and you shake with the effort of not begging him to just touch you. This was delicious, agonizing torture.

“Had I been in my right mind for that display, baby, I would have fucking ṛ̣̬̫̍͌ͩ͟ụ̴̴̾̀͟͡i̧̻̻͉̜͑ͪ̾͟n̫̫̘̗͕̲̲̎ͥḛ̡̰̳͓̥ͬ͋ͪͧd̶̵̯̯̼̘ͨ̓ y͙͙̪̰ͫ͌́o͙͙̙̘̙ͤͫ͞ụ̴̴̾̀͟͡.” His voice crackles and glitches on the last words, and the sound of it forces a moan from your throat as you let your head fall back. You clutch your hands to the arms of the chair as his tongue- and who even really knew he had a tongue, what the fuck?- licks down the side of your jaw and at your exposed neck. “I would have had you choking on my cock before getting a taste of that sweet cunt and fucking you into the desk for hours.”

One hand finally slips under the edge of your skirt and you shiver when his fingers make contact with your soaked core. “Is that what you want now, babygirl? You want me to give you my cock as thanks for helping to set me straight? To make up for lost time?” He slides a finger under the thin material of your panties, groaning in your ear at how slick he finds you. “That’s what I want, doll. I want you to ride me so hard you go stupid with the feeling, and you never feel whole without some part of me in your cunt for the rest of for-fucking- ḛ̡̰̳͓̥ͬ͋ͪͧv̹̹̘̼̞̻͆ͩ̓ͪ͢ḛ̡̰̳͓̥ͬ͋ͪͧṛ̣̬̫̍͌ͩ͟.”

“Fuck, please,” you gasp out, the word devolving into a cry as Vox finally slides a finger into you, mindful of the claws as he pushes in and quickly follows the first with a second. He uses his free hand to hold your hips still as you try to grind into his digits, keeps you held firmly against his erection as you squirm in pleasure.

His sharp fingertips angle to prod gently at a spot inside of you that has you seeing stars; your eyes are clenched shut as you ride the feeling, so close to the edge you feel like you’re going to implode with the force of it when you finally tip over. “Fuck, sir, please, so c-close,” you mumble, and his tongue is back to licking at whatever parts of your skin it can reach.

“You wanna come like this, sweetheart?” The main monitor in front of you glitches out, and when it comes back into focus you see yourself on the screen- like a mirror, you’re reflected, and you can see Vox’s grinning face behind you. Your skin is flushed, sweat dripping down your face, the hint of tears along your lashline as your mouth drops open when he adds a third finger. “Look fuckin’ beautiful, baby, you were made for this- maybe we give Valentino a call, he could-”

“No!” You release the arms of the chair to grab onto his wrists where his hands meet your body. “No one- no one but you, sir. Vox, please, l- let me come. Please?” You let a little whine into your voice, and you can see the way his mouth goes lax and his eyes laser-focus on where you’re grabbing at his hands.

“I didn’t mean to join us, dollface, just to record- but you’re right, you’re right.” He pulls his fingers from your pussy, slicing the center of your panties in the process before he brings his digits to his mouth- you watch on the screen as he curls his tongue around each one, licks the flavor of you from his skin and glitches out at the taste. “How could I possibly share such a fucking vision with anyone else?

He shifts you to one side so he can get his dick out, and the sight of it in the monitor, his own arousal beading at the top and rock hard, has you whimpering before it’s even inside of you. He carried himself like a man with a big cock, but Christ.

“Hope you like what you see, hun, cause it’s all yours.” He scoots forward in the seat, tilts his hips forward for the right angle, and moves you back into your previous position with ease- this time, the tip of him is pushing inside you, and you watch in the monitor as you sink inch by glorious inch onto him.

Once you’re fully seated, Vox seems to lose capability for rational thought. “Fuck me, you’re perfect,” he moans, bracing his feet more firmly on the ground to thrust up into you, getting a firm grasp on your hips to pull you down into it. The result is a beautiful stab at that sweet spot inside of you that makes you clench and cry out, watching Vox’s hypnotic eye start spiraling at its normal speed on the screen, and you can see backwards scrolling text of his stream of thoughts- a bunch of nonsensical letters and cuss words interspersed with your name. “I want to fucking- chain you to my desk so I can have this perfect pussy whenever I want it. Fuck, I can’t believe we- we could have been doing this for weeks.” He punctuates his sentence with a hard thrust.

“A-all the more reason to regularly clear your task manager, sir,” you say, so caught up in the feeling of him railing you from below that you can hardly believe you formed a coherent thought. He feels so fucking good and you’re a hair trigger away from collapsing and wringing him for all he’s got.

With one quick movement he’s shifted, and there’s a hand on your throat arching you backwards at the same time that he gets a couple clawed fingers rubbing at your clit. The shock of the combination makes you flutter around his length, a choked noise escaping your throat before he tightens his grip- not enough to really cut off your air supply, but enough that your brain starts going soft and mushy and the vice grip your cunt has on his cock gets impossibly tighter. You can see the shine of your slick arousal coating him every time he pulls out to rut back into you, and the sights and sounds are threatening to rip you into the chasm of ecstasy that you’re flirting with. 

“Vox,” you whine, “please, I’m so fucking- please please please-“ 

“Christ, babygirl, whatever you fucking want.” His eyes are wide and frantic as they watch the place you’re joined, his mouth set in a snarl as he fucks into your pliant body. The cry you release is nothing short of agonized- it’s so fucking close you can taste it, nearly overwhelmed with the tension.

“You wanna fucking cum on my cock? Do it, angel, let me see it- come on, baby, cum for me-“

Your walls clench down hard as you reach your orgasm, Vox’s grip on your throat making your vision and mind go fuzzy with the force of it as you choke on a moan that tries to escape your tensed muscles. You’re distantly aware of Vox thrusting hard into you, more praise and curses falling from his lips as he hits his peak as well, pressing his screen to the side of your face when he relinquishes his handle on your throat to clutch at your hips and grind into your cunt as he spills inside of you. The aftershocks of your release leave you twitching, milking his cock of everything he has to offer before he collapses into the chair behind you, a boneless pile of a man now simply running his hands over any bit of skin he could reach. 

It’s truly a testament to how helpful the reset and reboot had been that Vox’s system doesn’t simply crash. “Fucking Hell, I haven’t felt this good in decades,” he mutters in your ear, and you shiver at the feeling of his tongue brushing the sensitive skin.

“Ha, you think that’s the reboot or the mind-melting orgasms?”

He hums contentedly. “Jury’s out on that, doll. Guess we’ll have to do a re-run on both and see how it stacks up to this one.”

“I’ll make sure to schedule some time out for it,” you chuckle before fixing him with a stern glare through the monitor. “I’m serious about clearing your apps and shit more frequently though. Christ, you had decades of backed up shit open-“

“Don’t berate me while my dick is still inside you, fuck.” He leans you forward far enough to pull out, and you grimace at the feeling of his cum starting to spill back out of you. He notices the expression though- “Whoops, sorry,” he says, and after a quick second during which he tucks his softening prick away he scoops you into his arms, standing from the chair and stepping away from the desk. “Let’s get you cleaned up at the penthouse, angel, what do you say?”

“If you’re carrying me then lead the way.” You gesture towards the door out of the control room. “Just don’t start any timers to see how long it takes to get there or anything and we should be good.”

The glare he fixes you with shouldn’t be hot, but it fucking is. “Hardy har,” he deadpans, and rolls his eyes while he stalks towards the elevator, control room door closing behind you; but there’s a small smile on his screen despite his ire and he’s functioning normally, and when you see the little stopwatch icon pop up in the bottom right corner of his face and start counting, you can’t help but laugh.

#vox x reader #vox smut #hazbin vox #ao3 writer #ao3 fanfic #hazbin hotel #x reader #my stuff <3

[fookingmuffins]

it's time to go

James potter x reader

Summary: Angst. You love James, but it's time to go.

Warning: cheating, screaming and James being a dick.

A/n: lmao I really ran after posting like 4 fics, but I'm doing a little better and even though I'm stressed with uni I've been dying to write something, so I hope y'all enjoy. (This actually took me so long to finish and i dont lobe the ending but i needs to move on, oops)

You sighed as you prepared to open the door to the house you shared with James. Once upon a time, you would've rushed in without a second thought. But lately the war had taken a toll on the two of you. Once happy moments were now filled with fear and dread, making you feel like you were drowning. And no matter how hard you tried to hold on to the love of your life, you could feel him shutting you out. James had always been an open book anyone who ever met him knew that, but lately he had built this wall meant to keep you away, only you. At first, you tried to understand and be patient considering everything you two were going through, but after countless fights of you begging for him to talk to you, you were tired. You squeezed your eyes shut once before pushing the door open and plastering a fake smile in your face, maybe today would be different.

"Jamie, I'm home, I brought your favorite from the bakery by my work!" you shouted into the house buy were greeted with only silence. After checking the house you realized you were alone which immediately sent you into a spiral of worry since James was supposed to be here an hour ago but deciding that maybe he had gotten caught up with something you tried to ignore your panic and start getting ready for your friend's Alice’s engagement party.

You heard the door open and close while you were finishing up with your hair, causing you to get up and genuinely smile when you saw James make his way to the bedroom that the two of you shared.

"I was wondering where you were, I got you some pastries they are in the counter." you tried, but he just gave you a tight-lipped smile with a wave before passing by you to your shared bedroom. You went after him and saw he was getting ready to jump in the shower. Figuring it was going to be another quiet afternoon, you sat at your vanity staring at yourself in the mirror holding back the tears threatening to spill and ruin your makeup and just prayed that at the wedding maybe you two could have fun like you used to. You didn't even realize how long you sat there until you heard James get out of the bathroom and start getting ready, and you decided to just get dressed too and sit by the window with a book while you waited for James to be ready.

"Are you okay?" You were broken out of your train of thought by James’s question.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be. " You answered, giving him a similar smile to the one he gave you when he arrived.

"I don't know, you just keep staring into space, and it's kinda creepy." he tried to joke, but what once would've made you smile and roll your eyes instead caused a knot to form at your throat again, and you felt tears prickling your eyes once again.

"Well what am I supposed to do is not like I can talk to you anymore James you always shut me out, and I don’t know what to do anymore to get you to bring down the walls that keep shutting me out! I don't even know what I did for you to shut me out!" You couldn't help but let out everything for the millionth time, hoping that maybe today would be the last time you two were having this conversation and that he would finally open up and let you two go back to normal.

However, you soon realized that it was only wishful thinking because James immediately lowered his head and mumbled "For fuck's sake y/n not this again"

"Yes, this again, James! Please talk to me! Stop shutting me out, please!" you were a sobbing mess by this point, begging him to let you in, not caring if you ruined your makeup.

But James just shook his head and walked out, "I'll wait for you in the car while you get cleaned up, we can't do this right now, or we’ll be late." just like that, he left you alone frozen with mascara running down your cheeks. You felt numb and just quickly tried to clean up but when you were done and staring at your reflection stare back at you with puffy red eyes you just felt pathetic.

On the way neither one of you talked James kept his eyes on the road while you looked out the window too lost in your thoughts to realize your usual music that would usually be playing while the two of you drove was not playing, James realized, and he felt like he was suffocating in the empty car ride.

The wedding was beautiful and despite your problems you couldn't help but imagine that one day it would maybe be you and James standing in an altar professing your love in front of all your friends and family. You turned to look at him as Alice and Ben were sharing their vows, only to catch him staring at Lily, and she was staring right back at him. You felt something break in you as confusion overtook you. Why is he looking at her?

Was she the reason that you were slowly getting kicked to the curb? Back in Hogwarts everyone knew that James was obsessed with Lily but when she finally gave him a chance things just didn't work out. Then you caught James's attention, and the rest is history.

You tried to focus on the happy couple in the altar as the ceremony came to an end, but you felt someone was stabbing you and twisting the knife.

By some miracle during the reception James asked you to dance which shocked you, but his eyes seemed so sincere and like they were almost begging that you couldn't help but to foolishly be filled with hope once again. As you took his hand, he genuinely smiled at you again the way he used to with that same boyish grin that made you fall for him 5 years ago.

The two of you danced in the center of the dance floor spinning and laughing around, you had not been this happy in so long. After a particularly long fit of giggles, James pulled you closer and looked into your eyes with a spark that the two of you hadn't shared in months. When you two were about to lock lips, someone cleared their throat besides you two and the two of you pulled slightly away.

"James could I have a word with you please?" Lily asked looking at James who immediately pulled away from you and went with her after telling you he'd be right back. Just like that you were brought back to reality the cloud 9 that you had been in for a little bit long gone, and again the sinking feeling invaded you, feeling like you were drowning. You needed a drink.

You went to the bar and after getting your drink you decided it wasn't enough, and you needed air. You walked out of the salon where everybody was and made your way to the garden, and that's when you heard it.

"James! You said you two were over, but it sure as hell doesn't look like it! I can't beli-"

"I know, I know, but I can explain Lily please! I-I-I came here with her because she was embarrassed to come alone, so I promised this would be our last outing together." You felt your heart stop, air getting caught in your throat.

"What? That doesn't-" Lily started as you felt the glass in your hands slip and shatter on the ground.

Both of them froze and looked at where you were standing, you could feel a knot forming in your throat but glared at the pair in front of you with tears forming in your eyes.

"Y/n I can explain!"

" I think both of us want an explanation, James, but she deserves it more. Y/n/n I'm so sorry I had no idea you two were still together." Lily went to walk away and James was about to chase after her when she heard you scoff and as you turned around.

"Say goodbye to Alice and Ben for me, would you? I have to go." you rushed out before basically sprinting to the nearest exit, hearing James chase after you, which wasn't hard considering he was taller than you and an athlete. He grabbed your arm when you two had made it to the parking lot and turned you around.

"So that's why I'm getting the cold shoulder." you blurted out before whatever he was able to utter whatever shit excuse he was going to tell you. You almost wanted to laugh, which made you feel like you were insane, but you thought about all the hours you had spent over the past couple of months looking in the mirror trying to see what was wrong with you, overanalyzing every tiny detail in your face. Laying in bed staring at the ceiling, replaying everything you had done that day that might have set James off.

"No no baby, I swear it's not what it looks like, Lily is just bitter we didn't work out, and she's trying to sabotage us! I've just been so stressed because of it, and I am so sorry I let it out on you."

"Bullshit James! You were literally just talking shit about me before i showed up and ruined your little act." You were seething by this point, and James flinched after your outburst. You had never been one to scream, and he knew that, but right now you honestly felt like nothing was the same and you weren't the same. "A-and you wanted to chase after her and you know what? maybe you should. Maybe you have a better shot at getting her back because we are over James Potter! I-I am so tired... I-" You were crying from all the different emotions you were feeling at that moment. Finally getting some enlightenment about why your relationship was dying gave you some relief of the crushing pain you were feeling being hunted by the "what if's" and "why's" you weren't the problem.

James tried to get close and wrap his arms around you. god he felt like an idiot for hurting you. He honestly doesn't know what he was thinking. He had hoped you never found out and had planned to break up with Lily soon enough, but he just needed to explore a little what it could've been like if he had stayed with her. Plus the thrill of it was something that James had loved for the time being, but he never wanted to hurt you. His heart broke at the sight of you, he couldn't imagine what you were feeling.

"Don't even think about it! Don't ever touch me again don't ever look at me, I hate you so much Potter, I don't want to know anything about you from this day on James! We now mean nothing to me, we are strangers!" You glared at him in a way he had never seen you look at anyone, and felt his heart drop.

He tried to protest, feeling the tears leave his own eyes at the idea of losing you completely forever. But you just turned around and walked away.

#james potter #james potter x reader #james potter x y/n #james potter angst #james potter x reader angst

[eliluvschan]

My Eternity

pairing: bang chan x reader

word count: 2.098

warnings: cutie channie explaining his relationship & like one curse word?

genre: fluff

a/n: when i tell you i've never had a boyfriend would you believe me? lmaoo i blame the 4am thoughts for this one. took me 4 hours to write this with like 7 mental breakdowns through? i was listening to WOW and i reeeaally wanted to add Jisung's; jeogiyo noona hokshi namjachingu isseoyo? but rlly didn't know how lmao + i'm addicted to this small lettertype so imma use it from now on ;) okay now i'll let you go read. enjoooooy ♡

i’ve known you ever since the day when we were kids.

- we’ve been neighbours since childhood. you moved to my hometown, went to my class and blended in. everyone liked you, how could i not?

the happiest moment to ever exist.

- i was always happy when you sat beside me and my friends, not wanting to make friends with the others in high school.

check my bucket list, oh, you were on the list.

- before i met you, i didn’t have a bucket list. you just kind of became my best friend and we made a bucket list together. i never showed you mine, cause you were on the list.

i’m living the dream, somebody heard my wish.

- it has always been my dream to have someone like you by my side, so understanding, so beautiful with such an amazing soul. my wish has been heard and i’ve been the happiest ever since.

call out your name.

- my Y/nnie, princess, little one, baby girl, sweetheart, darling, love, honey, baby, jagiya, sweetie, future wifey, koala bear, cuddle bug and many more sweet names. i can give you a million nicknames.

you do the same.

- Channie, future husband, baby, jagiya, sweetheart, cutie, sweetie, boyfriend, darling, baby boy, prince, hottie, kangaroo, Chris, Christopher, Bahng. you never run out of nicknames for me and they always make me blush, laugh and flutter.

hug you all day.

- you love hugging me and so do i. it’s the best part of when i come home after a tiring day of practice and engulf you in a big hug like it’s the last time i’ll ever hug you.

i hope this’ll never end for eternity.

- i love you like the person you are, how your nose and brows scrunch together when you can’t open something and always ask me, or how you silently hug me from behind or the side when i’m busy producing songs. i don’t ever want to leave your side.

— ❀ —

i just want all time to stop.

- time has always been an issue. whether it’s morning or evening. i won’t ever get tired of you. the way you whine in the mornings for five more minutes, or evenings when you cling to me like my little koala bear.

— ❀ —

i’m never letting go.

- i am never letting go of you. you’re stuck with me jagiya. now until eternity.

let’s go on a little walk, see the world outside.

- i always have to drag you outside, or else you want to stay inside most of the times we're together. it's cute.

don't wanna let you go.

- never ever will i leave you. my eyes always find you in a crowd, at concerts or fan-meetings. one small smile and i feel like i can achieve anything in this big, scary world.

the way that you give me your hands, i'll fly.

- the first time you gave me your hand, was when your date dumped you at prom. you were so sad and i wanted to punch the bastard right then and there. even though i wanted to be the one who took you to prom in the first place.

at times when i feel down or empty.

- the times when i'm stressed with work, or when i have writers-block, you're always there to distract me. even without me saying anything, makes me love you even more.

you're always beside me.

- you're always there to catch me at my lowest moment. when i feel like a bad leader, or when i feel like i'm not enough for you, the boys or my siblings back in australia. you're just there doing something random with Jisung or Hyunjin and it brings the hugest smile to my face, making me forget all my worries.

promise that i'll love you plenty.

- i promise that i'll always love you. even when i don't show it or say it enough, my heart only beats for you. the way you joke around with Changbin, Felix and I.N. or play savage with Lee Know or Seungmin. it just fills my heart even more than i thought it could.

i hope this'll never end for eternity.

- i'm sure i tell you this lots but the way you always fiddle with the strings of your (my) hoodie or the way you put your hands in your or my holes in our jeans when you're anxious. it's adorable.

— ❀ —

when i look at you i know that you're the only one.

- i have never been in serious relationships but this one with you is something else. i want you to know that i want you as my first and last for everything.

the only one yeah.

- you're the only one that can make me do things i usually hate and the only one that can calm me down in your own magical way.

nothing in the world could beat our little special bond.

- nothing in the world can try and break our bond. with each other we can be crazy in our own way and none of us would judge each other for that.

'cause we are one.

- we are one. you complete me just as i complete you. you know everything of me like i know everything about you.

run around and make a mess, we don't even have to rest.

- the boys are always loud and a mess so i guess i need you to help me clean after them. being a dad of 7 is a tiring job. luckily i have you and together we can do anything.

every moment is a precious memory.

- every moment together or with the boys are precious. like dancing with danceracha until the early mornings, rapping sessions with 3racha in the studio or just joking around with vocalracha when they have nothing to do.

the way you wake me up in bed, yeah, i hope this never ends.

- you always lave little kisses around my face or just stare at me, staying in my embrace. it's mainly me waking you up cause you love your sleep and always ask for 5 more minutes to lazy around in bed.

i'm lucky that you're my best friend so.

- my best friend, my lover, my soulmate, significant other, my future wife, my girlfriend, my everything. there aren't enough words to describe my love for you. guess we should thank your parents for moving right next to us when you were 10.

— ❀ —

i just want all time to stop.

- those last 16 years went by so fast, it's crazy how fast time flies. i'll never forget our first encounter at school. you bumping into me and then scolding me for accidentally dropping my juice box on your blouse. i felt bad and handed you my shirt. and had a huge smile each time i saw you wearing my shirt that day around school.

— ❀ —

i'm never letting go.

- the time i confessed, and you didn't reply, i thought you'd hate me. instead you grabbed my face and gave me a long and passionate kiss. you were barely 17. i was 20. yet it was the best decision i had made that day.

let's go on a little walk, see the world outside.

- our first date was a walk around the beach. your hand was safely in mine as it was a little over 12 am. our phones full of missed calls from our parents as we enjoyed each other's company.

don't wanna let you go.

- when we told our parents about our relationship, they were over the moon. they never expected us to end up together and your father gave me a firm handshake and told me to speak to him later. never had i feared for my life more than the glare he gave me.

the way that you'll give me your hands, i'll fly.

- the way your hands fit perfectly in mine. it's a sign huh? you're my soulmate now and forever. or how you moved to seoul for me because you couldn't stand the long distance, not realising it would be lonely for you. but then again, i forgot what a social butterfly you are and became friends with half the Kpop industry as you were a dance teacher yourself, teaching dances to little kids who were passionate about dancing.

at times when i feel down or empty.

- there's always times when i feel down or empty. like how i worry about if Berry might forget me after not seeing me for a long time and you reassuring me that she won't. because that's who you are, always reassuring me and the others if one of us is feeling stressed.

you're always beside me.

- you've always been beside me. when i was a trainee, when i debuted, when i wasn't sure about my career and all the other choices i made in these last 16 years. you could read me like an open book and knew all my struggles back then and now.

promise that i'll love you plenty.

- the boys are always complaining how mushy i get when they mention you. they've also mentioned a million times when i'll propose to you, not knowing i've started planning way ahead and am planning to ask you very soon.

i hope this'll never end for eternity.

- you always bring me and the boys lunch on your free days or in the weekend. knowing that we all love your cooked foods. and then like to hang around and even dance together with us to choreo's that Lee Know teaches us. or how you even made some changes to the dances cause you thought they could use another movement.

— ❀ —

ah-ooh (eternity)

- you'll always be my eternity.

ah-ooh

— ❀ —

you make me call out your name.

- a little after 5 pm you arrive home. immediately jumping into my arms as you dump your shoes, coat and bag somewhere in the hallway. ''i missed you jagiya.'' i smile in your neck as you hum in response, telling me you missed me too.

you do the same.

- the way you always call my name when i come back home late. telling you not to wait up, yet every time you still do, attacking me in a tight hug and whine cutely telling me to take a quick shower before we head to bed.

hug you all day.

- the door opens and a few seconds later you're in the hallway with two heavy bags of groceries that you picked up on your way home. while you're cooking, i hug you from behind and we stay in each other's presence as you cook a delicious home made dish.

i hope this'll never end.

- even after a long, tiring day at work, you never fail to amaze me with the amazing dishes you learn from the internet, my mother or yours. the praises i give you aren't enough, so i'll feed you too.

— ❀ —

i'm never letting go.

- you've teased me a lot about going to my 'side-hoes' even though i've never had eyes for someone other than you. of course in those 6 years that we've been together we've had multiple fights. but we always went and apologised even if the fight wasn't that serious. we also have an unspoken rule to never go to bed upset and always communicate things with each other before accusing without proof.

let's go on a little walk, see the world outside.

- i'm planning on asking you on the beach. the exact same one where we had our first date years ago. i've got the perfect plan in mind to get you there and the best way to ask you. i can't wait to see your reaction to this song i wrote for you and the reaction you'll have when i go down on one knee and ask you to be mine for eternity.

don't wanna let you go.

- today, i asked your parents your hand in marriage. they were thrilled to see their little girl getting married to her first boyfriend from 16 years ago. 6 years ago your father glared at me for being the boyfriend of his daughter. today, he gave me a hug and told me he trusted me as your husband.

the way that you'll give me your hands, i'll fly.

- you're never getting rid of me, jagiya. i'll always love and cherish you for who you are. and so will the boys. they were so happy when i told them i'm finally proposing and wanted to be part of the plan too.

eternity.

- you're sleeping in my arms right now, not realising that the ring i'm planning to slip on your finger soon, is safely in it's box in my right hand, while my left arm is tightly wrapped around your fragile body, holding you close to me, your head on my chest right where my heart is beating just for you.

~

#skz fluff #skz imagines #skz scenarios #skz x reader #stray kids #bang chan #bang chan x reader #bang chan x y/n #stray kids fanfic #bang chan fluff #bang chan fanfic #bang chan scenarios #bang chris #christopher bang #eternity #SoundCloud

[supernaturalistthings]

Friends? pt 4

Female!Reader x Dean Winchester

Months had now passed. Months filled with a lot of hunts and to counter all that stress nights alone together like our first. Even a few actual dates when we had the chance, he is truly very good at mini golfing. I am absolutely in love with Dean. I of course haven't told him that, and I like to think he feels the same but I wouldn't know because he hasn't said it either. I felt it though, through his touch, his actions, and his gestures. Like when we got back from a djin hunt that nearly took all three of us out.

“You need to be more careful” Dean lashed

“I am careful” i lashed back

“Clearly not enough… I mean what the hell were you thinking?” he says with a look that says to me he's deadly serious.

“I can’t lose you… i wont lose you… not like that.. Understood?”

I hesitated for a second, really taking in the underlying hurt that was being masked with strict anger. The meaning in his eyes when he said he couldn't lose me, the seriousness in his voice, the anticipation in his eyes as he waits for me to say,

“Understood”

I knew when he immediately calmed down and took a sigh of relief after receiving my answer. He motioned me over and started delicately cleaning any wound I had as if I was made of glass. The concentration in his face as he worked, the quietness because he was still harboring a little bit of resentment over the fact he almost lost me. He could hardly hold it together at the thought.

I knew with his touches the way he held, kissed, made love to me. The way he'd brush my hair out of my face when we would drive together. The way he’d hold my hand as he drove for hours barely ever letting go. The way he'd always have a hand on my back in all of these shady dives we've gone to.

“Stay in sight, okay?” he'd say

The latest motel door swings open breaking me of all my thoughts

“Hey baby” Dean says casually, setting down some gas station bags on the table by the window.

“Hey” i reply “how'd it go”

“I've got beer, snacks, and a movie from red box so i'd say we're in for a pretty good night” he says sweetly walking over and ending his sentence with a quick kiss.

“What have you been up too” he continues

“Nothing just thinking”

“Oh no that's never good” he jokes

“Shut up” i laugh and joke back

“Whatchya thinkin about? Hopefully me” he inquires smugly

“Actually yeah i was” i laugh, “I was thinking about us to be more specific”

“Everything okay?” he says in a softer tone, a slightly concerned tone

“Yeah everythings good just reminiscing”

“I'll give you more to reminisce about tonight if you play your cards right” he says, popping two beers open and taking a swig of one while handing the other to me.

“Im serious” i laugh and take the bottle “we've had a good run”

“We definitely have… this isn't a goodbye is it?” he laughs sitting down on the couch beside me

“No Dean definitely not”

“Good, you already made me fall in love with you, you can't leave now i mean my god”

Did he jus-

“I mean we've been through it all, i can't imagi-”

“Did you just say that?” I interjected, almost startled from what I just heard.

“Say what?” he replies

“That you… love me” i say

“Well yeah.. i'll admit i should’ve said it sooner i just didn’t know if you’d be ready t-”

I cut him off with a kiss filled with the love that i've been waiting for a moment like this to say that i had for him

“Woah” he says when i finally pull back for air “well i would’ve admitted that sooner if i knew you’d react like that”

“I love you too Dean, you have no idea”

“you mean it?”he eyes me waiting for an answer

i nod confidently and smile

“You know what, come here” he says as he starts to pick me up spontaneously from the couch princess style and runs me over to the bed, us both smiling and laughing the whole way there.

#dean winchester #dean winchester headcannons #dean winchester imagine #dean winchester moodboard #dean winchester x reader #dean x reader #dean x you #supernatural #supernatural headcanon #supernatural imagine #supernatural x you #supernatural x reader #dean winchester x you #dean #dean winchester x female!reader

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for "not making time" for my ex

So I (21F) met my ex (24M) at an internship I held last summer. We started seeing each other and things quickly developed into a full relationship. We spent a lot of time together as we worked 10hr days together 4 days a week and he always wanted to meet up on weekends. For a while every date was an overnight and our physical relationship began very quickly.

Fast forward a couple months and I moved back to college as I am finishing up my BA atm. He knew this going into the relationship and I made it explicitly clear that if he wanted things to continue, it was going to be long distance (its about 2-2 1/2 hours away). Shortly before this time he became extra clingy and angsty about me moving saying things like I never made time for him (our dates even prior to were never less than 10 hours) and when we weren't able to see each other for a couple days he would want to call and would want to talk for hours because he missed me even if I was busy or expressed that I didn't want to be on the phone as it is a very mentally draining task for me.

After 1-2 months of long distance, these problems got worse. Every time I saw him he would complain about not having enough time to do stuff with me and would often stay most of the weekend even if I would politely ask to have some time to do homework or just be by myself. He would say that he could help with my chores, homework or mental health time and didn't seem to understand my desire to do things independently. He kept saying that I wasn't letting him into my life enough and said that he hated the distance between us and wished he didn't have to drive so far. There were other issues that also kept piling on and eventually after much back and forth we broke up him citing that "he wasn't good for me" and things weren't working out.

During the month after our breakup I felt many things both guilty and sad but also a bit relieved as the fighting in our relationship had caused a lot of built up stress and anxiety that had pushed me to a very low place. In this time we had called a few times to discuss things and some calls went okay but others took turns and would leave me feeling hurt and confused. We had a meetup to talk in person about getting back together and I said for the time being I think we're better off as friends. He is someone I care a lot about and I do think that he has some dark shit to deal with and probably needs to seek counseling. I feel as if I have been very forgiving and kind but also acknowledge that I likely have some fault in the demise of our relationship as there are things I need to work on such as boundary setting and people pleasing.

Since this conversation many things have happened that complicate matters and I honestly feel a bit lost. There are times it feels like we could have a new beginning and others where all the old issues come screaming back into my face. I've said I don't want to be in a relationship with him right now and need time to work through things and he wants to keep up the physical part of our relationship as he sees that as something that didn't need fixing.

Recently we met up and I had set plans with my friends before and after we saw each other. He showed up mad that I had set plans with other people on the day that we had time together since it made things feel rushed and he wanted to actually be able to spend time with me. This ended up blowing up into an argument and he told me to "grow the hell up" and also said that I "needed to learn how to be in a real relationship". These things were incredibly triggering to me as I am both younger than him and this is also the first relationship and everything that I have ever been in. He told me that he didn't appreciate the fact that I never wanted to make time for him and said that this was true during our relationship as well. He said that if I couldn't do it he had other friends that cared about him enough and that he shouldn't have even come to see me since it was clear that I didn't give a shit.

Now I feel so lost since I have even after our relationship never flaked on him and have been overly honest about my insecurities and everything even outside of the relationship. He is someone I still really care about but every time something like this happens I feel that he is not good for me even if he does really care about me in all the ways he says. It hurts so bad even because amongst all these things we still have really nice times together where we can just be around each other and enjoy each others company. I know that I cannot separate these experiences as they happen with the same man and all my friends tell me this is manipulative behavior but I also worry that I'm overreacting.

So AITA? (sorry for the long post)

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[mi-rae07]

Jung Wooyoung : As Good As You Were (Part 2/4)

Pairing : Jung Woo-Young (Ateez) and named character (Shin Naeun)

______________________

Naeun woke up the next day, feeling her head throb again. It was usual for her, since the past month or so she had gotten random headaches that accompanied her for hours on end. She'd thought it would be the work stress, but now she supposed she should go to the doctor sometime soon. The pain was getting worse.

Naeun got out of bed and slipped some painkillers into her mouth before rushing to get ready for work. Soon she was in the kitchen with wooyoung cooking, about to head to the fridge for another cold salad when wooyoung's voice interrupted her

Wooyoung : don't, I made something for you.

Naeun paused on her tracks, turning around as she watched wooyoung flip a few pancakes into a plate before adding honey and some blueberries as he put the plate on the table.

Naeun : for…for me?

Wooyoung stared at her with an obvious stare as naeun sat down on the chair before picking up the fork and knife. Soon she had started eating, immediately falling in love with the food. She had never had a favorite food before, but maybe…maybe this was it.

Naeun : it's wonderful, thank you.

Wooyoung nodded, turning back to the stove before making some for himself as well. Naeun took another bite of the pancake as she could feel her eyes almost tearing up from it. No one had ever made food for her, at least not without her paying them. And no food had ever tasted this good, not even the ones at the most fanciest of restaurants. She could eat wooyoung's food everyday.

Naeun : why did you make this for me today? Do you want something from me?

Wooyoung : no.

Naeun : then…do you have to tell me something?

Wooyoung : can't I not just make food for you, naeun?

Naeun pressed her lips together, staring at the half eaten pancake before saying

Naeun : you've never done it for me before.

Wooyoung sighed as he sat down opposite naeun with his own plate of pancakes before saying

Wooyoung : now I am, so just eat it.

___________________________

Naeun flinched as her phone rang suddenly, excusing herself from the doctor's office as she picked up the call quickly. Something was wrong, wooyoung was calling her.

Naeun : wooyoung? Has something happened? Are you alri-

Wooyoung : did you have lunch?

Naeun paused, her eyes widening in shock and confusion. What the actual fuck.

Naeun : w-wooyoung, are you really sure you're okay?

Wooyoung : did you have it, or no naeun?

Naeun : no.

Wooyoung : then come to XXX restaurant within 30 minutes, we'll have it together.

Naeun was about to say something when wooyoung cut the call, leaving her shocked. What was happening? Wooyoung had never called her up before, never asked whether she had had her meals on time?

Did he want divorce?

____________________________

Wooyoung looked up as he saw naeun entering the restaurant, the workers bowing at her as she rushed up to wooyoung with a confused expression. Her navy blue blazer hung by her arm, her Birkin handbag and phone held in the other. She looked just like the CEO she was, and she was his wife. Why hadn't he noticed how beautiful his wife was all along?

Naeun : wooyoung?

Wooyoung : yes, sit down. I've ordered food for you, considering that you don't really have a favorite food.

Naeun blinked her eyes as she placed her blazer and bag on the chair next to her before asking

Naeun : what's going on?

Wooyoung : mm?

Naeun : you're being very different, you've never called me for lunch before.

Wooyoung : what do you think this is then, naeun?

Naeun : um, divorce maybe?

The word made wooyoung's heart drop.

Wooyoung : is that what you want?

Naeun : of course not, but that doesn't mean you couldn't want it. You do not love me, and this marriage has been nothing but a burden for you. Who is to say you wouldn't want to end it now?

Wooyoung chuckled, taking a sip of his juice before asking

Wooyoung : would you give that to me, divorce?

Naeun pressed her lips together as she looked at her shoes, saying in a low voice that made wooyoung know the answer without her having to say it

Naeun : if it makes you happy-

Wooyoung : what makes me happy? That you have already taken away the second you married me, shin naeun. I will never get that back now, it is impossible.

Naeun stared at wooyoung as the waiter brought them their lunch, naeun's plate filled with rice, chicken, noodles, and other bunch of things naeun didn't bother looking at.

Naeun : you still haven't forgiven me for what I did three years ago.

Wooyoung : for you it was just a simple choice, a simple word. For me it was my entire life, naeun, my childhood dream that I was this close to achieving.

Naeun let out a breath, her appetite all gone now. She didn't even know why wooyoung had bothered enough to call her for lunch and then say all these words.

Wooyoung : but yes, it's been three years and we're only growing more old. I guess it's time to just let the past go and move on, it's not like anything's going to come back now. What's done is done.

Naeun : what?

Wooyoung : I'm saying, naeun, that I wish to be a husband to you now. I wish to quit being so salty about the past and make a better future for us, for our heir. I wish to give you, us, a chance.

Naeun : wait…you don't want a divorce?

Wooyoung : I want the opposite, actually. All this while you've been a wife to me, a good one at that. Now it's my turn, to at least try to be a good husband to you as well.

_________________________

Naeun was now sitting on the dining table with confused eyes as wooyoung rushed around the kitchen to make dinner, having told naeun to just sit and watch when she'd tried helping.

Naeun : wooyoung?

Wooyoung : it's almost done, wait.

Naeun : no but do you need help cleaning up?

Wooyoung : no, go find some movie for us to watch instead while I clean up.

Naeun frowned as wooyoung smiled and put two plates of food onto the table, sitting down opposite naeun before nodding towards her plate

Wooyoung : go ahead, have the first bite.

Naeun : wooyoung, you made it so shouldn't you-

Wooyoung : no I insist, you have it.

Naeun sighed as she took a bite of her food, staring at wooyoung as she chewed it. This was heavenly.

Wooyoung : um how is it?

Naeun : do you mind cooking me food every day now?

_____________________________

Wooyoung sighed as the movie ended, fireworks bursting on screen as the main leads started kissing each other for the final time. Wooyoung pressed his lips together as he looked towards naeun, not expecting her to like movies such as this. But he paused as he realized naeun was now lying fast asleep against the couch, her hair all over her face.

Wooyoung brought his hand forward unconsciously, using the tip of his fingers to brush naeun's hair away from her face as he smiled softly. Wooyoung had never seen naeun sleeping, she looked so peaceful like this. Wooyoung suddenly remembered all the times naeun had asked him for things. To sleep together in the same room, to go out on amusement park dates, to give her hugs, to go to the beach. He'd pushed her away each and every time, harshly even.

But now, looking at naeun sleeping like a baby wooyoung vowed to make all of those wishes of hers come true. He wouldn't rest until he made sure all of her past requests were fulfilled. Starting now.

Wooyoung stood up as he carried naeun from the sofa and towards his room, her unconsciously snuggling up onto him as wooyoung climbed up the stairs with his wife in his hands. Why hadn't he done this way before when it felt so good?

Wooyoung laid naeun down on his bed as he got on it as well, maintaining his distance as he still thought he needed her consent to hold her in any way. But his breathing stopped as naeun moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around his waist as she laid her head on his chest.

He didn't know whether she wanted this with him.

Wooyoung : n-naeun?

Wooyoung felt naeun hum slowly before whispering sleepily

Naeun : thank you.

And that was all the answer he needed as he wrapped his arms around naeun before pulling her closer.

________________________

Naeun : mina, you have forgotten to send me my schedule for today. Please send it to me, and quickly.

Mina : uh, boss you're on leave today though? Your schedule has been cleared completely today.

Naeun paused on fixing her suit cuffs as she frowned in confusion before asking

Naeun : cleared? By who?

Mina : mr jung asked me to clear it yesterday night, he's the one who told me that you'd be on leave today.

Naeun looked at the mirror as the door opened up behind her, wooyoung entering her walk-in closet with a cup of coffee as naeun sighed before saying

Naeun : alright thank you, bye.

Naeun cut the call as she turned to face wooyoung before asking

Naeun : you asked my secretary to clear my schedule today?

Wooyoung : oh, yes. We're going on a date today, I was just going to tell you.

Naeun : a date? Wooyoung-ah, I had work-

Wooyoung : you've worked your entire life, now you're coming with me.

Wooyoung took naeun's phone from her hand before replacing it with the mug of coffee as he said, eyeing her work outfit

Wooyoung : you should…probably change into something other than a suit for this date. Unless you want to go like th-

Naeun : I had important meetings today.

Wooyoung : you have important meetings everyday, naeun-ah. Plus, you can have these important meetings tomorrow instead along with your other important meetings. They say the more the merrier!

Naeun : was I- supposed to laugh?

Wooyoung stared at naeun as she chuckled, having a sip of the coffee as she motioned for wooyoung to go out before saying

Naeun : okay fine then. A date it is.

______________________________

Naeun : you rented an amusement park!

Wooyoung lifted his head in fake pride as he said

Wooyoung : yes, aren't I so cool.

Naeun whacked wooyoung's arm as he gasped in shock

Naeun : you idiot! You wasted too much money-

Wooyoung : please, this wasn't even that expensive compared to what I have.

Naeun rolled her eyes as wooyoung coiled her arm around his before saying excitedly

Wooyoung : now come! We've got to try all the rides!

____________________________

A month later :

Naeun had gone for more dates this month than she had in her entire life, and she'd liked every one of them. Wooyoung cooked for her everyday, and suddenly she had favorite foods and even craved them at odd hours. The workers in her office suddenly seemed to get small breathers on days naeun would be on leave, something that had never happened before.

She had just really begun her life and-

Wooyoung : naeun-ah?

Naeun turned around as wooyoung stepped into the terrace she had been standing in for some time now, not able to really sleep. But wooyoung had been asleep, she'd made sure of that before leaving the bed. His insomnia seemed to be non-existent now for some reason.

Naeun : I thought you were asleep?

Wooyoung : same. What are you doing here then?

Naeun sighed, looking back to face the city as she whispered

Naeun : couldn't sleep.

Wooyoung walked closer to naeun as he said

Wooyoung : you could've just told me that, naeun.

Naeun : I didn't want to wake you up.

Wooyoung : naeun-ah, the whole point of my existence as your husband is to help you, take care of you. It's bare minimum-

Naeun : you've never done that for me earlier.

Wooyoung pressed his lips together, looking away from naeun as he said

Wooyoung : well, yes. I wish I could reverse that now.

Naeun : 3 years, wooyoung. I dealt with you treating me like I was nothing to you for 3 years. That must've been nothing for you but for me? For me it hurt worse than it did when my parents died.

Wooyoung felt his heart drop as he muttered

Wooyoung : I'm so sorry.

Naeun chuckled as she whispered

Naeun : well sorry doesn't give back the time we lost now, does it?

Wooyoung : I'm…I'm trying to be better now, aren't I? And we still have so much time left-

Naeun : do we?

Wooyoung frowned as he looked at naeun in confusion, her turning to face him as she said

Naeun : the human life is unpredictable, who is to say I won't die tomorrow-

Wooyoung : naeun! Don't say that.

Naeun : woo-

Wooyoung : can we not talk about you dying? It's not happening anytime soon.

Naeun let out a breath, looking away for some time before muttering slowly

Naeun : can I have a hug-

Naeun cut herself off as wooyoung rushed into her arms, wrapping his arm around her waist as he brought her as close to him as he could. Naeun smiled, resting her head against wooyoung's chest as he said against the top of her head

Wooyoung : I can't lose you like that, alright? We've just…we've just started on our marriage, I can't lose you so soon naeun. Even before this, if something had happened to you a year ago, I would still be terrified. You're right, I never cared for you, I never acted as a husband to you before all this but you were still a part of my life naeun. If you wouldn't call me up to ask if I'd eaten lunch, I'd feel empty. Without you in this house, it felt too large for me, I felt so alone. Yes, I didn't care for you but if something happened to you back then also, I would never have been able to forgive myself.

Naeun closed her eyes as she felt tears prick her vision, her grip on wooyoung tightening as he kissed the top of her head before saying

Wooyoung : I want to make up for every wrong that I did to you, I want to travel the world with you, start a family with you, grow old together with you. I want the rest of my life to be yours, naeun. I belong to you, and I want to belong with you forever. So please, please stay.

Naeun let out a small sob as she clutched the back of wooyoung's shirt even tighter, feeling overwhelmed all at once. Wooyoung's eyes widened as he realized naeun was crying, something that had never happened before. He quickly pulled back as he held naeun's cheek before asking worriedly

Wooyoung : oh no no, naeun why would you cry like that? Is staying with me that bad-

Naeun : no you idiot! You're just being too cute it's making me cry and shit.

Wooyoung chuckled as he blinked his own tears away, using his hand to wipe away naeun's tears as well before whispering

Wooyoung : you shouldn't have to shed tears for someone like me, I don't deserve that right now.

Naeun whacked wooyoung's arm as he chuckled, leaning down as he kissed her forehead. Naeun sniffled before saying

Naeun : you know what, book a ticket to Italy for tomorrow.

Wooyoung : what? But there's work-

Naeun : that can wait, it's not going to matter soon anyway.

Wooyoung : are you sure?

Naeun : aren't you the one who said you wanted to travel the world with me, wooyoung-shi?

Wooyoung : yes, well, I meant someday-

Naeun : someday is too far away, let's just do it tomorrow.

Wooyoung : well, who am I then to deny your wishes.

_______________________________

3 months later :

Wooyoung : what no! that last piece is mine!

Naeun giggled, putting it in her mouth as she ran around the hotel room before saying

Naeun : catch me if you can mr jung!

Wooyoung : YOU LITTLE MENACE!

Naeun squealed as she jumped from the bed, landing on the carpet before running to the hotel living room. Wooyoung groaned as he ran behind her, finally catching her as he lifted her off the ground and twirled her around. Naeun let out muffled giggles as wooyoung leaned closer to the pizza before whispering

Wooyoung : I believe we can share, in that case.

Naeun's eyes widened as wooyoung bit the edge of the pizza that was hanging out of naeun's lips, part kissing her and part munching on the pizza as she hit wooyoung's arm before saying

Naeun : GROSS!

Wooyoung rolled his eyes as he swallowed the last bit of pizza before saying

Wooyoung : don't tell me you didn't like it.

Naeun answered to that question with another kiss as wooyoung giggled, kissing her back.

It was like they were having their honeymoon all over again, except last time it lasted for a week and the both of them did nothing but sit in their separate hotel rooms and work. This time their phones were all switched off, only wooyoung for naeun and naeun for wooyoung. It was as if the rest of the world didn't exist, and they'd covered half of Europe within 3 months.

They had also found a small puppy while visiting Greece and had decided to take it home with them. Naeun had named it Momo, since it was while they were having momos that the puppy had jumped onto their table. That had been a week ago, another three more days now and they'd have to go back to work.

Wooyoung had never been this happy in his entire life, and neither had naeun. Wooyoung now doubted whether it would've made him this happy if he just chose to go somewhere else and continue with photography. Maybe god willed it this way, the way that made wooyoung the happiest.

Naeun made him the happiest.

__________________________

A month later :

Wooyoung and naeun were back to their work lives, but that just being 100 times better than it used to be. They'd call each other half the day, saying the most cheesy out of pocket things and laugh at jokes only they found funny. The workers had never seen their boss so happy and cheery, naeun had always been scary and cold.

And when they'd have meetings together naeun and wooyoung would just be staring at each other, the presenters wondering if they were even listening to the proposals being offered.

Wooyoung was now cooking dinner as usual with momo lurking around the counters smelling everything, naeun having said that she'd take a shower and come down within a few minutes. That was odd, naeun took showers only after dinner but today for some reason she'd wanted to do that instead of helping around the kitchen with wooyoung.

But now it had been 15 minutes since wooyoung was sitting on the dining table with the dinner all ready for naeun, and she still hadn't come down. He'd yelled her name a few times but there was no response. So wooyoung decided to check up on her, opening the door to their room.

Wooyoung : naeun!

Wooyoung rushed to naeun who was lying on the ground unconscious, her skin burning hot. Wooyoung kneeled down as he tapped her hard on the cheek, his heart beating faster as he said

Wooyoung : naeun! Naeun open your eyes! What…no please.

Wooyoung quickly picked naeun up as he rushed down the stairs, picking up his car keys along the way.

Something was terribly wrong.

_____________________________

#ateez angst #ateez fluff #kpop angst #kpop ff #ateez ff #kpop fluff #angst #ateez #ff #fluff #wooyoung angst #wooyoung fluff #wooyoung ff #wooyoung au #wooyoung fanfic #wooyoung imagine #Jung wooyoung #ateez wooyoung #ateez fanfic #ateez au #ateez imagines

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! You said that you need another vacation after this vacation, so I am not sure, how puppy situation, even if it partual custudy, affecting you ( may be you in panic when he is there and then recovering when he is not, and then round and round? ), but really, If you need another vacation, I hope you know we will be here to support you for it!

It's been nearly 4 weeks now since we got Toby so I feel like I can talk about this with a bit of a clear head.

(Talk of like an actual PTSD meltdown beneath the read-more, including self-harm mention - nothing graphic. There's zero obligation for anyone to read this, especially for folks who don't think authors should ever be honest about being people with issues):

So, I've been kind of quiet about aspects of this, but I have like severe treatment-resistant PTSD and C-PTSD, and puppies specifically are one of my triggers (especially if I'm responsible for them). The reason for that is kind of awful, and I don't really want to talk about some of the things I've experienced/been through that led to that, so let's just move onto the next part. You're kind of right anon, there has been panic while he is here lol.

As a result, I had a severe meltdown the first time I tried to adopt a dog many years ago now. Could not last 24 hours, needed weeks/months to recover.

But I've always wanted to share my life with a dog and I've been in a somewhat better space over the past year or so, and I thought I could maybe handle it better. I told myself 'if I can just get through that 24 hours I'll realise it's okay and it will all work out.' Anon I cannot tell you where this thinking came from, but it was wrong. Idk why past me was kind of naive enough to think this way but here we are.

No, after that 24 hours, it got temporarily better, and then I slammed into consecutive meltdowns, each one worse than the next, until the people around me were afraid for my life. I am still recovering from some of the harm I inflicted on myself during the last three weeks and likely will be for some time to come. The combination of a really intense PTSD relapse, as well as not being able to handle (as an AuDHD person) intense changes to my schedule basically compounded and I broke.

I made the decision to rehome Toby, and first contacted the people around me. Glen's mum said she wanted a dog, and had been specifically looking into dogs like Toby anyway, and so we decided this would be best because then I could still be involved (I love Toby to pieces).

After getting some space, I finally started to adjust, and have gone back to having Toby about 4~ days a week, with a view to going to about 6 days, with one day spent with my mum, or Glen's mum.

Today is the first day I was able to handle having him on my own for around 9.5 hours. And I'm here and able to write about it, so that's progress. He'll be here all day Sunday, and then Tues-Weds-Thurs-Friday. And from there a decision will be made as to where I'm at with my mental health etc.

I'm a bit more hopeful now that I might be able to keep him, but my PTSD is still very very bad. I'm having some nights where I'm simply not sleeping until 7.30am (even if he's not here), and my hypervigilance is crazy. Like, I am having so many auditory flashbacks it's stupid. So this is why I've been saying this break hasn't been very restful or productive. Because my mental health tanked like I detonated a landmine inside myself.

I didn't actually plan the two week break for Toby! That was just a coincidence honestly.

Unfortunately I have a lot of health conditions that respond very poorly to stress, so I'm dealing with those now too. And then additionally, in all of this, I had a breast scan / mammogram / ultrasound that has confirmed a suspicious lump I found a couple of months ago (breast cancer runs in the family), and I suspect I'm going to need a biopsy. I'll find out on Monday if that's the case. That's been in the background and hasn't been helping.

There's some other stuff going on that's not really worth talking about because these are the main things, but that's a good picture I think. It turns out 'just getting through the first 24 hours' doesn't magically make a severe PTSD trigger go away. And that forced exposure is not 'exposure therapy' - that's just reinforcing a trigger.

Anyway! I feel like I'm through the worst of it, and I am seeing glimpses of how my life could be richer if I keep getting through this. But...that's why I think another break. *smiles tiredly.* I have to wait a bit now for the PTSD / C-PTSD symptoms to settle down, and I also need to see what's kind of worsened after this. Realistically, with a relapse to this degree, it could take between 3-6 months to really start recovering, or to at least get back to where I was before December.

I hope with all my heart I can get there with Toby by my side. I love him so much.

(I want to add that Toby has never ever been in a position of harm at any point, and in fact I probably put myself in harm's way for his sake, because I wanted to provide solid continuity of care - in case anyone was worried about that).

Er so yeah! But I've picked up my writing again this week and have been able to do some like...things I'd been neglecting, and I feel more human again, I just hope I get some sleep tonight

#asks and answers #personal #tobermory the cavoodle #that's also why i haven't always consistently been sharing photos #realistically he's spent about 4 days away from us? #and that alone has been enough to kind of help me sort my head out #when i realised it was PTSD that helped too #because i've been able to spot the severe hypervigilance for what it is #and sometimes just being able to name a thing helps #and finally intensive training with toby #has adjusted some of his behaviours very quickly #and he is now a very calm and well-behaved dog already #we just need to do more separation training and then i think i will finally start #settling a bit more #our vet's super happy with where he's at #but...um...you know it's never nice to make your mum cry #because she's scared for you :( #administrator gwyn wants this in the queue

[naavispider]

Merciless - chapter 4

It's a short one so I've posted it under the cut, or here is the link to AO3 if you're the kind of lovely human who likes to leave comments 🥰 Sorry I'm a day late 💞💙💞💙

“Why are we here? Where is this?” Spider took a step closer to the glass, his body pumping with adrenaline. 

John Mercer smiled in that ugly way of his. In all of Spider’s life, he had never seen a smile as chilling as Mercer’s. 

“We are in a facility to the West of Bridgehead. Fifty cliques away from the city.”

Spider blanched - he couldn’t help himself. Fifty cliques? That was over a week away on foot. 

“I’m waiting for the why,” Spider stressed. 

“Welcome to Kinglor Base, Miles. This is a specialist facility built purely for scientific research. You may have seen some of our tech on the way in.”

“Research on what?” Spider hissed. A sinking feeling was making its way through his stomach, clenching his intestines in a tight, cold fist. 

Mercer looked at him like he couldn’t wait to answer. Like he was feeding off Spider’s fear. “On you.”

For a second, Spider was stunned. Then, slowly, he let out a low laugh. “Right. Okay,” he smirked, but inside his guts were churning with hot fear. 

“I would tell you not to worry, but I’d probably be lying. This is not an ideal situation for you, I understand that. But unfortunately for you, your body holds answers to some of humanity’s greatest questions. It is my job to ensure we educate ourselves.”

Spider was staring at Mercer as he tried to process this. He heard the words but his brain just couldn’t compute what Mercer was telling him. Eventually, he pulled himself together enough to respond. “What do you mean? My body? I’m human, just like you!”

Mercer appraised him with a pitying look in his eye, which sent chills down deep into Spider’s bones. The man shook his head slowly. “You’re adapted to Pandora in a way that nobody else is. You grew up here, surely you’ve noticed how different you are from others? How much… stronger.”

A rage of fury flashed through Spider's chest in that moment, and as if to prove Mercer’s point, he took an aggressive step forwards to meet the glass separating them and sank his fist into it with a snarl. Mercer watched his attempt to break the glass without raising an eyebrow. Unfortunately, Spider’s outburst had no effect whatsoever on the glass, creating only a low thud that echoed through both rooms. He clenched his fist again, cursing himself internally for the pain now radiating out from his knuckles. 

“I don’t expect you to understand, of course, but getting angry is not going to help. The best thing you can do is accept the situation and cooperate,” Mercer sniffed imperiously. “Not that it matters much to me.”

“You can’t keep me in here.”

Mercer frowned in a way that told Spider as clear as day that he wasn’t sympathetic in the slightest. “Sorry… But that’s exactly what I am doing.”

“Does Quaritch know about this?” Spider’s heart was racing a hundred miles an hour, making it difficult for him to hear anything other than his own blood pounding in his ears. He had to believe the answer was no. 

Mercer paused for a moment, as if deciding what to say. “That is none of your concern,” he settled on after a moment. 

“Mercer!” he shouted, though it came out as more of a snarl. 

Mercer simply shrugged. “You won’t be seeing him again. I’m not sure why you’re so concerned, to be honest.” He levelled Spider with a dangerous glint in those cold, grey eyes.

Spider’s shoulders were rising heavily. When had he got so out of breath? He could feel Mercer’s unspoken dare hanging in the air. With as much gusto as he could summon, he held Mercer’s stare. “He would never allow this.”

“And why is that?”

Spider held eye contact as long as he dared. Quaritch was the one person who might just stick up for him. If he ended up being complicit in the whole thing…

“No one here has raised a single objection, Miles. The case has been approved by the ethics board and so will proceed. I know it’s a lot to take in.”

Approved? How could this possibly be above board? 

“You’re not a citizen, Miles. You don’t belong anywhere. You’re not even documented. There’s no legal evidence that you exist at all.”

Spider’s retort got stuck in his throat. As he processed Mercer's words, he realised he had no reply. Mercer was talking to him like he wasn’t even human, like he had no rights at all. “Fuck you,” he said with venom. 

This only brought a callous smirk to Mercer’s lips. “We’re not wasting any time. In a moment the medics will be in to take your baseline data. Are you going to behave or will we need to restrain you?”

Spider scoffed, taking a step back. It felt like he was on a train headed straight for a crash and there was no way to jump off. If what Mercer said was really true then he was utterly screwed. He had a choice to make. 

“What the hell are these baselines?” he growled, bidding for time. 

“Standard protocol,” Mercer replied casually. “Height, weight, muscle mass, blood pressure… that kind of thing.”

“You know I can’t trust a word that comes out of your mouth, right?”

“No,” Mercer smiled. “But as we’ve established, you don’t really have a choice.

Spider snarled, but didn't reply. 

“Now be a good little boy and don’t put up a fight. I don’t need any more men or women in the med bay.”

Was that supposed to be a guilt trip? For a second, Spider almost considered that he’d been too physical with the security, but then he remembered why he was here and the bubble of rage in his chest painted his insides hot again. Before he could answer, a quiet buzz sounded by the sliding glass door, and he turned to see a woman who looked to be in her late thirties with brown hair and kind eyes step over the threshold, flanked by two armed guards. 

“Hello, Spider,” she said. “My name’s Janine.”

#spider socorro #spider miles socorro #john mercer #james cameron avatar #avatar frontiers of pandora #Avatar fop fanfic #my stuff: merciless #avatar the way of water #avatar 2 #atwow #avatar spider

[altraviolet]

so im neck deep in reading echo garden - hi, hope ur doing well, holy hell what is this beautiful piece of writing and worldbuilding omg? i originally wanted to ask you something like; 'what's your inspiration for your worldbuilding, what ideas did you come up with, pull/build from etc'

..but instead i wanna try and ask you a different question/for advice, if that's okay? (your writing went and gave me a mild crisis, congrats you've reached peak 'make-ppl-feel-things-thru-writing' skillz. :}) how do you even 'do' worldbuilding? because i'm doubting myself, reading your story lol. i know the whole.. 'we get inspiration from literally everything around us', 'there's no such thing as a truly original idea' etc,

but i'm just now breaking free of the thought that i have to.. produce something big and unique and grandiose? (for others? it's a weird attention-y 'ey look what i made' thing.) like, honestly, i fell in love with your worldbuilding but feel.. envious? like, 'oh, damn, i wish i was this good.' which, yeah, I KNOW is silly.

I don't know.. how to worldbuild/craft (whatever term) something that feels like mine? I keep comparing to others, and keep feeling like whatever bits and pieces come to me isn't good enough. Isn't unique/cool/giant/'oh-so-new-&-different' enough. like I have to somehow reach that impossible 'true original idea', without using any inspiration at all (otherwise it's not 'mine') - when everything's already been thought of before by countless people.

I'm sitting here in a really weird, silly, downright stupid at this point, circular loop and I don't know how to get out of it. I think not understanding what worldbuilding is, or how it works or even how having ideas works, might be why I've screwed myself here? And the internet's weird.. impossible standard for idea-having.

I have tiny pieces, the barest little foundations, I just don't know how to grow them into.. something, anything. (is maybe the thought that I ought to grow them in the first place one of the reasons I'm having trouble? and it's.. okay to not? that just because they're tiny, or simple, or mundane, doesn't mean they're worth less than 'bigger & better' chunks of ideas/worldbuilding?)

Hi! I'm doing okay, thanks. Vacation could be structured more to my liking, but family & obligation something something.

Anyway. Thanks! I'm glad you're enjoying Echo Garden. Especially the worldbuilding, which is one of my favorite things to do. It seems like you're feeling a lot of mixed and heavy things about it. I don't know if I'm any authority to help you with that, but I'll give it a shot. Let's go through what you've sent me, albeit out of order. I'mma put this behind a cut, because it got very long.

>what is this beautiful piece of writing and worldbuilding omg? Thank you! I appreciate that. Here I would like to stress that this writing has taken me almost 4 years and hundreds and hundreds of hours, and hundreds of thousands of words to accomplish. If you think it is beautiful, I am happy to hear that! I will be honest: I am very proud of what I've done. But what I'm stressing here is that it was not effortless. It is beautiful, but it has taken a lot of work.

>i fell in love with your worldbuilding but feel.. envious? like, 'oh, damn, i wish i was this good.' which, yeah, I KNOW is silly. No, that's not silly. That's legit. Envy or jealousy are totally normal things to feel in any given situation. If the situations were reversed, I'd feel the same way. When I see people who have things or skills I wish I had, I feel it. This might be a good time to drop a little story about when I first thought about writing TF fic. Please do me a favor and go read this ask, you can skip down to the bold words that say NOTE THE WARNINGS AND TAGS BEFORE READING. Here I talk about how I didn't write for a year because I read a fic so good I knew I could never be that good.

tl;dr and/or moral: it's ok and natural to feel envious. Don't let it stop you from writing, though. If I had let TGWP stop me from writing, you'd never have Echo Garden. That'd be a shame, I think. I'm glad I decided to try writing, even though I knew I couldn't do something as good as what I admired. I did something else.

>how do you even 'do' worldbuilding? because i'm doubting myself, reading your story lol. i know the whole.. 'we get inspiration from literally everything around us', 'there's no such thing as a truly original idea' etc, I'll come back to your first question eventually, but I wanna address the latter statements: "We get inspiration from everything around us," yes, this is true. Being a sponge, being observant of the world, will help you build a 'library' of ideas. Artists have a term for this that escapes me at the moment, but the idea is, if an artist draws 1000 trees, and within those, 50 different kinds of trees, they now have an excellent mental tree 'library' to reference when they need to draw a tree. And since it's super easy to find irl references of trees, one might ask, what's the use of the mental library? It gives the artist the basics and a ton of variations on The Concept of a Tree. In a similar way, observing the world, reading stories, listening to music, absorbing creative works, etc will also add to your mental library. You can call on these things when worldbuilding later. Quick example: if you know the ins and outs of a hospital, because you're a nurse, you'll have a fantastic basis for a realistically operating sci fi hospital on another world. Take a concept relating to the hospital, as we know it on Earth, and change it. What if patients can regrow internal organs but not limbs? See what that does to the organization of the hospital. The staff, the pharmacy, the stock, the medical supplies. What changes? Organ donors aren't needed anymore. Would this mean an actual reduction in the species's understanding of how those organs work? An irl nurse won't have to do a ton of research to get the basics which are drawn upon to answer those questions.

This line of questioning took me to something I want to expand upon later, but for now: What kind of cultural issues could arise from this species's healing ability? Is someone who was forced to grow a new liver due to an accident "less than" someone who has their original liver? Hold onto the fact that we just went from hospital -> biology -> culture. "There's no such thing as a truly original idea," I disagree with this statement, though I know it is a very, very popular one. I think it is true that plots and archetypes are commonly used over and over again. I think there are still original ideas out there, though. I pride myself on it, to be honest. Some of the worldbuilding you like so much comes from ideas that I've not seen in either TF canon or fanon. They tend to be smaller details that feed into bigger systems, once you take them to their logical endpoints. More on that later.

>I keep comparing to others, and keep feeling like whatever bits and pieces come to me isn't good enough. Isn't unique/cool/giant/'oh-so-new-&-different' enough.

All I can say here is that comparison is the thief of joy. If we're talking strictly fanfic, it shouldn't be this stressful on you. People love tropes for a reason. Don't be afraid to use them. Echo Garden itself has a few. "Enemies to lovers" never quite felt like the correct term, but it is recognizable and there are tons of fans of it. Remember the thing about me not writing for a year cuz I thought I wasn't good enough. Don't do that. Comparison is the thief of joy! >like I have to somehow reach that impossible 'true original idea', without using any inspiration at all (otherwise it's not 'mine') - when everything's already been thought of before by countless people.

Again, I do think there are truly original ideas still out there. You have a unique view of the world. Writing is one way to share it. All your experiences, your education, your hardships and your victories shape who you are. No one else will be looking out the same eyeballs. With practice, you can find ideas. I'll explain how I do it. Maybe that will help you, too. Though you do have, by your own words, little pieces: I have tiny pieces, the barest little foundations, I just don't know how to grow them into.. something, anything. Little pieces are a good place to start. And if they stay little, that's fine. Having a ton of little pieces layered on top of each other is what contributes richness to your world.

My goal with all the above was to address the emotional aspect of your ask. I haven't gone through everything, but I'd like to get to your core question. I am going to answer it literally, in a way that might not help you, then try to break it down into something that might be helpful.

how do you even 'do' worldbuilding?

I think. All the time. I am one of those people who has a laser focus and is able to make connections between unrelated ideas. I am always, always thinking. It's not really daydreaming. It's thinking about a single idea and then taking it for a ride down a million "what if?" paths. Put it this way: I think watching astronomy lectures is fun and I loathe parties. Fun for me is world building: building literal worlds. Playing with ideas. So how do I 'do' worldbuilding? Mostly in my head. Once I get some ideas that make sense, I write them down so I don't forget them. If I'm lucky, I'm at home at my computer and can type them fast. If I'm not, I'm at work, and I scribble them on pieces of paper. It can be anything, from a huge plot point to a teeny tiny detail.

How do I think? If I'm world building from nothing (as opposed to solving a problem or building on top of previously thought of stuff), I just... think of things that fascinate me. For Transformers, that's their biology and how it links to culture. It's their alienness. The possible geology of their world. I freaking love just thinking about that!

Once you have a fascinating idea, you push it. What does that mean? Do you recall, in the nurse/hospital example above, I noted that, while we started with 'hospital setting,' it moved to how that healing factor could be interpreted in the culture of that species? That was what I mean: taking the idea of 'alien hospital' to 'what does this mean about their biology?' to 'what does this mean about their culture?' And to be honest, this is how I do a lot of world building. Culture comes from biology and geology. This is a personal theory I have, I'm sure anthropologists have a better definition of culture. But that's the one I use for worldbuilding. What is the consequence of your fascinating idea? That is the key for me. That is how I worldbuild.

If I'm worldbuilding on top of previous stuff, it's sometimes a bit harder or easier, depending on how the previous stuff narrows your possibilities. But in that case, I usually try to be as logical as possible. Here's an example for Echo Garden:

canon facts: the Lost Light has a fuel furnace and an engine room and a bridge

me: hmm, okay, the LL has utilities and facilities, kind of like a small town. someone has to tend to those things. I'm sure some mechs have specialized knowledge that makes them a better fit for maintaining/upkeeping certain things than others. We saw Blaster on the bridge acting as a communications officer of sorts. Hmm, he's probably the best bet for keeping comm-related stuff clean and running. Hmm, that fuel furnace... I bet it's really hot in there, lol. I bet it's complicated in there. They probably have to color code the pathways to the different furnaces. I bet most mechs wouldn't like being in there because it's so hot. I wonder who'd get stuck with that chore. Well... Rodimus is fireproof, basically, and Trailbreaker could protect himself with his shield. So they can do that chore.

It feels rambly when I write it out. I suppose it could be. I do this very quickly in my mind, though. I pull from everything I know: canon, fanon, things I know from my own life experiences. This 'pulling' happens all at the same time. So, going back to that 'mental library,' as you can see, that's a powerful thing for me to have for my worldbuilding method.

Okay okay, so how can I make all that into something actionable by you? Good question. I suppose I will answer it with more questions!

Precisely define what it is you want to worldbuild. Is it cultural (language, food, clothing, music, etc)? Is it biological (bodies, adaptations, appearance, etc)? Is it environmental (geology of the world, or the inside of a space ship)? What exactly do you want to accomplish?

Once you have selected your Topic, think about all the things related to that Topic. What are the usual characteristics of Topic? Which of those characteristics can you change to fit your world? Example: food in TF. Food is often energon or engex. Food in real life is a huge part of culture. If your goal is to showcase a character making a special dish, maybe pick an irl dish you like, and see how its preparation would change if it was made out of a pretty, glowy energon-y substance instead of whatever it's made of on Earth.

If you haven't worldbuilt to your satisfaction, try another avenue. What else about Topic can you think of? What are your personal experiences regarding Topic? Maybe go do some research on Topic- you might find a neat little tidbit to incorporate into your writing.

Once you've worldbuilt Topic to your satisfaction, link it to the rest of your world! What does Topic existing do to your environment? To your characters? It's okay if Topic isn't a huge deal. That's totally fine! It's lovely to just have little worldbuilding details hanging around in the background. Remember- layering lots of tiny details really helps make a world feel rich and lived in. In the event that Topic is a big deal, repeat step 2 to discover how it affects your world.

Once Topic is happily integrated into your world, repeat the process! Take breaks, listen to music. Zone out. See if your brain can make some weird connections while you're not even really thinking about it. Be open to something that sounds kinda nuts at first. Maybe there's a way to pull it off! Or maybe not.

Side note: if you think of a really cool idea but it doesn't fit into the story you're writing right now, stick it in a file for later. Mmm, delicious ideas file, ready to be cannibalized for your next story.

So... yeah! That's how I worldbuild. Thinking a LOT and connecting ideas together and then pushing them to logical extremes/conclusions.

If you have any specific questions about anything I've written, feel free to ask. I don't think my method will work for everyone, but hopefully you can put your own spin on it and find a method that works for you.

Best of luck and happy worldbuilding :)

#ask #long post #worldbuilding #world building #nyctocryptid

[landwriter]

Are you doing the Spotify wrapped thing as well? If so, could I ask for the Nr. 4? If not, just ignore this, it's just that I have resigned myself to appear as the greedy being I apparently am and figured I'd just ask.

greedy beings unite <3

this is the incredible, perfect, flawless Hot Knife by Fiona Apple. i would write a meta/personal history on it

originally i was going to sort of throw up my hands and say it's just oaths - it is so incredibly oaths: two people who are very much a bit unhinged by one another, both hot knife and butter at once, hearts made cinemascopes etc.

BUT - butter, okay, hot knives, ok, perhaps - Hob is a scruffy professional baker who owns a little patisserie and Dream is a miserable IP lawyer at his family's law firm, which is incidentally located only two blocks away on the other side of a small city park.

Perhaps - one day a harried Matthew bursts in to Hob's bakery and says, since it's empty, and he has a flair of the dramatic, "I need all of your croissants for my lawyers." The caterer hadn't shown up and Matthew had actually been jogging down the street in his dress shoes and panicking when he saw Hob's storefront. The meeting starts in ten minutes.

"How many?" asks Hob.

"Lawyers, or croissants?"

And so Matthew leaves three minutes later with two dozen croissants, muffins, and a couple palmiers for good measure, as well as a sympathetic grin. When Dream, who is hanging on by, and I cannot stress this enough, an absolute thread, absent-mindedly shoves a blueberry muffin in his mouth, he pulls out his phone right in the prep meeting and texts Matthew at his desk: Who made these

Matthew writes a very hot dude who had flour on his face and then decides he likes his job, actually, and texts Dream the name and address of Hob's shop.

Dream means to go, but work comes first, and he keeps finishing long after they're closed. One day he finishes so late it's actually close to the bakery's opening hours, so, exhausted, he decides to show up.

Hob normally wouldn't answer the door except anyone who can knock loud enough to be heard over his music is probably the cops or the fire department - which is enough to get him out of the kitchen, and then when he sees Dream, he decides to open up anyways. He can tell this man isn't up early at 6 AM, he's up late, Hob knows the look - and also, well, he's beautiful, so he unlocks the door while Exodus' Toxic Waltz is blaring from the back, is halfway through apologizing for the mess and music (Why is apologizing? He's not even open yet.)

Dream blinks once, slowly, and when he opens his eyes again he understands he's fallen in love. He puts this knowledge aside for the moment, and stiffly offers his hand to shake (Oh, shit, sorry, yeah, let me just - oh god I've gotten flour on your suit) and introduces himself. "Do you have any more blueberry muffins?"

Hob, even though he has a thousand other things to do, for some reason hears himself saying, "For sure, yeah. I mean. Not right now. But I could. If you want to come in and sit?" and then mortifyingly continuing to say, "I have a coffee machine - I mean, I don't use it, but I have it, I'm pretty sure it works - do you want a coffee, are you going for the full 24 hours thing, or if not, I do also have a shitty couch in the office, you can nap?"

Then he realizes he needs to let go Dream's hand.

And so begins our love story, in the liminal hours between night and day, when Hob wakes up early to bake and Dream finishes work late. They make a routine of it, and although Hob is a little freaked out by Dream's apparently work-life balance and sleeping schedule, he doesn't mind the company, doesn't mind it either when Dream just shuffles to his back room and curls up on his sofa, because at least he's sleeping sometime.

They both try and impress the other - Dream by requesting increasingly obscure confectionery, Hob by nonchalantly making it perfectly. (He thinks he's found the culinary history book Dream is using and is staying one recipe ahead, in secret.) They both challenge each other and get under each other's skin, and think about the other person far, far, too much than appropriate. I think this one would be mostly sweet (ha) but with some proper actual We Can't Be Together Because of X or Y obstacles. I think this is the sort of story where they actually have a huge blowout argument in the second act about, like, the protestant work ethic, because they might be nursing massive crushes, but they also both are nursing massive proprietary feelings as a result, and have very different values surrounding work and hedonism and a life well-lived etc. Do they work it out! I think so! I don't think they can stay apart! And every chapter would be titled after a thematic baked good.

(p.s. alternative song mood for this fic: The National's Fake Empire) (p.p.s. i do imagine dream in this as one of those lawyers who makes buckets of money and drops a LOT of it on his version of therapy, which is gradual progress on like, an entire gorgeous tattoo bodypiece, some gorgeous hyper surreal cosmology thing, and i do think hob accidentally walks into a post one day when he glances into a tattoo shop where dream happens to be having his monthly session)

#the sandman #dreamling #my writing #spotify wrapped prompt #lawyer baker au #a timeless classic #the Miserable Lawyer trope delivered with apologies to any non-miserable lawyers reading this #also baking professionally is just insane work but guess what! hob is insane in this fic #as he is in all my fics #at least a little

[bohnsky]

Vegas 23

Vegas was silly, way too much unnecessary show and all it really did was making me want to rewatch the Ocean's movies.

But here are my thoughts on Vegas and my favorite drivers 6,5 months into liking f1:

1. Alex Albon  

I've got to say, quali made me fucking happy and the first few laps, when both Williams could hold their positions. I'm sure no one really expected them to stay up there, but I feel like they would've deserved at least some points. 

Also, when he fell during the Netflix Cup. 

2. Sergio Perez 

VAMOS!!!! I'm so happy for Checo!!! 

I was so scared, after that turn one ichident, but luckily everything turned out okay. Even though I feel like Red Bull don't celebrate that championship 1-2 enough. It seems like they tend to forget that Checo brought Max his first Championship AND Red Bulls first 1-2. 

Also, I was so stressed in that last lap. Why did it have to be so fucking close again? My heart can't handle that. Plus, I'm getting really mad at the German commentators again. They just keep bullshitting on Checo to the point that I actually think about watching with the English commentary. And then when he does good in the race, they just act so surprised as if he hadn't done this before, qualifying badly but then totally killing it in the race.

3. Charles Leclerc/Lewis Hamilton 

My little Ferrari heart was happy for the majority of the weekend, but it also broke a little. Being a Ferrari fan comes with tons of mixed feelings. 

Also, I was a little mad at Charles for overtaking Checo on the last lap, but I can't really be mad at him. He deserves that 2nd place and I'm happy for him, even if he himself is not happy with 2nd. 

I feel a little bad, because I haven't been rooting for Lewis at all, but I just needed Checo to get that 2nd place in the championship. Now that that's out of the way, I can root for Lewis again :) 

Also them having a few moments together this weekend made me happy. 

4. Lance Stroll 

I'm so happy!!! 

Here the commentators were shocked as well, because Lance is like Checo a victim of their constant bullshitting. He's showing the world that he does deserve his seat and I couldn't be happier for him! 

5.  Lando Norris 

I'm sad. It was a horrendous weekend for him. Even without the crash. I just hope he really is fine and doesn't just say that to not worry us. 

Also can we talk about how wag coded Max Fewtrell is? I love it. 

Honorable mentions: 

Logan. I was so happy for him in Quali! I just wish the race would have ended a little better for him. And then I watched a clip of him and remembered how fucking American he is. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against Americans. I love Americans, but they can be real silly. And Logan is often very silly. 

Carlos. I refused to wake up at 5am to watch fp1, waking up to "red flag because of SAI", "FP1 will not be resumed" and "FP2 will be delayed for 2 hours, because the track needs to be fixed". Let me tell you, I was imagining the worst. I thought Carlos had sent it into the wall or something. It took me a while to understand what had actually happened. And how dare them give Carlos a fucking 10 place grid penalty for THEIR mistake? I'm furious! Well at least he got P6. 

Max. I have finally decided that I love Max. I am no longer torn when it comes to him. My favorite thing about this weekend (after Checo securing 2nd in the championship) might be that Max tried to help Checo on that last lap. I really didn't expect him to, but that was sweet, just a little too late. But that's not his fault. 

Liam. I miss him. He seems like a fun guy and I really liked him and Yuki together. 

That's it, thanks for reading. 

#f1 #formula 1 #formula one #vegas gp 2023 #alex albon #sergio perez #charles lecrelc #lewis hamilton #lance stroll #lando norris #logan seargent #carlos sainz junior #max verstappen #liam lawson

[certifiedmattl0ver]

Love Across the Miles

summary: University!Matt and University!y/n are high school sweethearts. Ever since they graduated and set sail for their different universities, they hadn't communicated as much as a healthy couple should.

warnings: none! just slight angst and fluff

a/n: this is my first story dont judge por favor

It had been a good week since Matt and y/n had spoken. Of course, both subjects in prestigious universities like theirs didn't have time to goof around. Especially since this is their first year. Matt had been accepted into Stanford University, and y/n at Cambridge.

The two lovers had previously tried to make up time to call each other, but because of the time zones and endless amounts of assignments, they couldn't make ends meet. The UK is 7 hours ahead of California wasn't something they had put much thought into.

They both knew that one or even both would have to sacrifice either their sleep or their work to make this relationship work out.

"y/n i don't think i can afford to miss another due date, I really need to finish this or I'm done for.''

''just finish it when we end the call. we're supposed to have a 15-minute talk and update each other on things every other day. but it's been a whole week Matt. We promised we wouldn't drift from each other.''

''So you want me to fail? is that what you're saying right now?''

''no matt i-''

''because it seems to me that you don't care whether I fail or not. and why is it always e that has to stay awake past 12 am to be talking to you? I have a life too y'know. I've got shit to do and my professor will not take any bullshit from me.''

A tear rolled down your cheek. Matt had never acted like this before. was he really always staying up that late for you? how had you not realized the bags around his eyes and the constant stress he displayed?

''r-right...sorry I wasn't thinking. I should've realized earlier. I just didn't want us to fall apart. but I do care Matt. I care a lot whether you wanna believe it or not. goodbye.'' you say with a shaky voice.

''y/n no wai-''

you end the call before anything else can be said. you put your phone down beside your pillow and start sobbing, thinking back to high school when you and Matt would sneak out and have fun with each other. 'what happened to us' you think to yourself. after a while, you get a message from Matt.

It's an apology. the message read:

''Baby I'm so so sorry. I've just been so stressed out lately. my professor's been on my ass for days and I'm just really frustrated about all of it. I didn't mean to take it out on you. I know you care for me, you always have. I didn't mean any of the words I said. I love you''

as you read the message, you wiped off your tears and replied:

''its okay Matty. i love you too. but try something like that again and imma beat yo ass. good night baby''

Matt smiled at the message and texted ''goodnight😭''

you went to bed glad that the matter had been resolved as quick as it had been.

THE END HOE

WHAT DO WE THINK??? AM I BLESSED AT WRITING???

I would also like to say thank you to my 4 followers😭you 4 are always gonna be remembered in my stories love you lots!!

#matt sturniolo #sturniolo #sturniolo x reader #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo triplets #chris sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #sturniolo imagine #sturniolo fluff #matt sturniolo fanfic #university au #first fic

[efangamez]

So the GRIM fund just ended. Let's talk about it, and the future!

Prefacing this by saying I'm typing this on my phone so there might be some rambling and some errors. Sowwy!!! I'm also gonna be asking questions to myself as like, section breakers, so bare with me lol.

1. What was it like doing your first fund?

Stressful, but fulfilling. I spent countless, countless hours looking at my phone, checking messages, making posts, and reblogging things hourly. I needed to do it to gain traction, but my god it was exhausting.

But there came good out of it! It is, by far, my most successful game yet, and it's due to both AMAZING and supportive people like you who helped, and also myself who got the messages out there for y'all to see!

2. How did you manage the exhaustion, and what would you change?

I managed it by taking it really easy on myself. Having the product 100% done with some edits that just needed to be made after the fact was a blessing. I THINK that's normal practice with funds, but I'm not sure. I played lots of video games during this time which really, really helped. It's good to remember to take breaks, even when you know it might "hurt" awareness.

As for doing things differently, either hiring a social media manager or being easier on myself. Having someone be a social media manager is a dream for me, but I couldn't afford it at the time which was an inability. I also wish I wasn't so hard on myself. I still am. I've been in constant battle mode since GRIM's inception and I need a lil break!

3. Did it do better than I thought?

Yes, and slightly no! I prepared for the best, but also the worst. However I will say the amount accrued and given in chunks was astounding. Y'all are really kind.

4. Okay that's cool and all but...what now?

I get to work on the expansion and print versions! The Palace of Eyes expansion should be out early next year paired with the Battlemaps I commissioned, and the print versions of GRIM should be out around early spring! These dates are very tentative so they might be earlier or later, but expect everything by the end of Q2 next year at the least!

In conclusion, I am so, so, so thankful and blessed to have made this game and have run a successful fund. When I conditioned GRIM's theme when I was making the game, I felt GRIM's specialness, and I think y'all did too when you saw the posts. It's amazing.

I'm gonna be still promoting GRIM-tober, but after that ends, I'm gonna take a week long break where I do absolutely nothing but non-TTRPG work and sleep. I think I've deserved that a lil.

I'm gonna link GRIM, GRIM's theme, and also the GRIM-tober game jam below if y'all are interested! Until then, I'll be promoting GRIM-tober, and then rest.

Oh and by the way, if you wanna fund a celebration meal I'm gonna have this week, pls snag GRIM or send some moola via PayPal (if you can)!! Last fund for a while, I promise lmao.

Have a great day y'all!

GRIM TTRPG PAGE

GRIM'S MAIN THEME

GRIM-TOBER JAM

#ttrpg #indie ttrpg #grim #grim ttrpg #trans #queer #indie #gamedev #game dev #cyberpunk #scifi #Youtube

[silverlininghills]

7 + 1 twenty one pilots ask

i was tagged by @dasloddl!! ty!!

1. when/how did you discover them? + what was the first song you listened to? - either on the radio or on yt or at work or something like that, sometime in 2015. idk which song exactly but lets be honest, it was prolly stressed out 😅 or one of the other blurryface singles

2. have you been to any concert(s)? - no 😭 i totally would've seen them on the icy tour but they didn't come to my city 😭 but i'm hoping to go to at least one show on the next tour (either vancouver or, failing that, seattle), and hopefully also the DC show with my bestie!!

3. do you remember where you were when trench dropped (if you were a fan by then)? - weirdly, yes! it was like 9pm on october 4th, i was at home and got a spotify notification that twenty one pilots had released a new album. i listened to the first three songs, went "ehh", and stopped there 😅 which, in hindsight, is so tragic bc if i'd held out for just one more song i would've gotten to my blood, which is one of my absolute favourites!

4. favourite thing about the clique? - how smart and kind and inclusive everyone is!! like i know the clique's got it's share of toxic fans, just like any other fandom/community in general, but esp here on tumblr absolutely everyone i've met/interacted with has been sososo friendly and funny and smart and cool <3

5. any memorable/funny/interesting quote (from interviews/bts footage/…) you especially like? - i'm so bad at thinking up stuff like this off the cuff sldjskdljf there's always smth i think of later that i wish i'd said instead. for right now i'm gonna go with "two happy boys" (or any of the "two ____ boys" riffs that they do), as well as every single story abt how they met 😂

6. what would you want to ask/tell them if you got the chance? - FREAKING. SO MUCH. i'd want to thank them for rewarding us for looking deeper and caring more and sticking around. i'd want to tell them how what they've done w the dema/trench storyline is legitimately incredible and groundbreaking and to, in their own words, "never put a ceiling on their dreams". i'd also want to talk to them for roughly 6 hours abt death cab for cutie bc i Need To Know their thoughts abt literally everything sdlfkjsdkfl

7. which tattoo would you like to know the meaning of (if you do)? - i'm honestly fine w not knowing the meaning to any of their tattoos, bc i know they're v personal, but if i could know the meaning of one and have it be totally okay and willingly shared, it would be, for tyler, the symbols tattoo on the side of his forearm, and for josh, the astronaut-getting-beamed-up tattoo on his bicep.

+1. dasloddl's question for me: which album cover do you like best? - excellent question!! even tho i do love SAI's aesthetic, i think i'd have to go with blurryface on this one. there's just so much meaning behind it!! the pull-out blurry face is genius, the patterns are so fun, it's simple yet evocative. just, stellar art design.

additional question you want to ask the people you tagged: what do you think the genre/vibe of the next album is going to be?

aaaaand i am tagging @mx-misty-eyed @melxncholyman @timedyne @gonerbird and @re4lize-th4t-its-g0ne!!

#personal #shenanigans #get-to-know-you meme

[ghostintheheadset]

watchmojo's top five headphones_haver fics of 2023 (not clickbait)

I'm looking at my 2023 stats on ao3 and fandom disparities are really funny to me lmao, my main fandom at the moment is fe3h, and of the 22 fics I posted this year, 19 of them were fe3h.

All three of the non-fe3h fics are my top three most kudos'ed fics of the year:

It goes without saying ofc that these numbers don't really matter, if I was only doing this for the kudos I'd be writing m/m genshin fic, and it's not really surprising why the numbers are the way they are- both my Pokemon and Zelda fics were posted within a few months of the game coming, and gwitch is also relatively new and I was writing for far and away the most popular ship. Meanwhile, 3h is now past the 4 year mark, and largely m/m dominated while the majority of my fics are f/f. While I would certainly enjoy all my fics getting popular, seeing the numbers like this makes it easy to remember that engagement isn't a metric of quality.

(In that vein, Falling is probably the fic I spent the least amount of time on this year, being impulse-written in about 2 hours. Sometimes niche fics you pour your heart and soul into can't reach the same level of popularity as wider-appeal stories you wrote much more quickly, and that's okay)

That said, though, I am happy with the fics that made top 2. There's something satisfying about my first and last fics of the year being the most popular, and I am very happy with how the both of them turned out. They're both representative of the themes I like writing about and are both wholesome yuri, so I think they "belong" in the top 5 as much as any fic could be said to.

Numbers 4 and 5 are kind of a surprise to me- Pegasus Knight Dysphoria is a gen fic about a trans girl and Someday is an f/f rarepair. Of the 19 (wow) 3h fics I've written over 2023, these are not the two I'd expect to break into the top 5, but it's a pleasant surprise that they did!

Anyway, none of that actually matters beyond being mildly interesting to me specifically. Onward to 2024:

According to my stats page, I posted 126k words of fic in 2023, which averaged out to a little over 10k words a month or about 345 words a day. Not bad! Looking to get those numbers up next year though. If I don't, then that'll be okay, but 126k is the Word Count To Beat if possible.

I would also like to do some more fandom events! Apparently there's a FE rarepair week happening literally right now that I wasn't aware of until yesterday. Hoooopefully I'll be able to see more of that kind of thing now that I'm here, as they've always been a lot of fun when I could participate. I'm not leaving 3h just yet, but I would like to branch out a bit more- I definitely have more gwitch fics lined up, and I'd like to also branch out a bit and write for some other fandoms I haven't gotten around to yet.

Big writing goal is to finish Together We Ride, and also work on it more consistently. I was putting off starting it for a while because I wanted to "wait for a good time", but I realized if I kept that up it would never get started. Considering I started it in April and there's currently 7 chapters, it was in fact "not a good time", but! I am committed to seeing it through in the upcoming year.

That's about it I think. It's been lovely writing fic over the past year (and a great way to unwind from the Grad School Stress), and I'm very much looking forward to exploring more next year.

(might do a roundup later today of some fics from this year I really liked we'll see)

#ramblings

[babstheyaga]

SPOILERS FOR FMOD

i am trying ANYTHING to try and sleep and I can NOT get this off my mind oml -

like, i'm nonstop thinking of the ending of FMOD, and oml... I've changed my mind on the ending like one too many times and if I don't get this off my chest RIGHT. THIS. VERY. SECOND. i will pull my hair out and explode.

so like - the first ending I scrapped was reader gets shot blah blah blah surprise she's not dead (in the next book) but that gave me heavy like - really cringy 365 Days movie ending, and when I thought of that I just was like yeahhhh no thanks. so that was thrown in the bin...

then i was like what if she unknowingly gets pregnant and then finds out and then BOOM ending, continue to next book... blah blah blah. nah, thrown in the bin.

I have an idea. it's a good one. trust me. no spoilers outright for that. but. like. ya know. like. ya know.

So I've been fighting tooth and nail to figure out how the series was gonna go, and I had set a whole plan that each character was going to get their own book, ya know? Like one dedicated to Bee, Mirage, OP, Cee, all of them.

Only problem with this idea was I would either have to start all of the books at once, which would be freaking 7 books at once, and I talked to my mom about it and she was like "no, not a good idea, way too much stress" but this was my idea for a good 3-4 months and then one conversation with my mother changed all of it because I didn't think it would be that bad, but looking at it, it would be a terrible idea because I wouldn't be able to finish a single book for like the next like 20 years... FMOD is coming up on it's 2 year anniversary and It's taken me that long to get to chapter 30.

FMOD is not done. In the slightest. I have... So much I need to get to.

But with some people telling me that I need to space out the books, instead of making one gigantic story with like 60 chapters with what it's looking like it's going to be, then I need to like- space things out, ya know? Instead of one giant book, I can make multiple different ones.

It would make sense, considering I still have 5 people that I need to get to their sex scenes for. UGH this is so stressful and I'm going to rip my hair out and scratch my skin off like a cocaine addict trying to figure this out.

The biggest thing that's on my mind is deciding if I should either 1. make multiple books and do it one by one, or 2. do multiple books just continuing how it's going right now. Instead of focusing on one pure love interest like the original idea I had, it could just be a continuation of regular FMOD with all of the love interests.

GRRRR THIS IS SO AGGRAVATING I'M LOSING MY MIND

if I did the stories one by one, then SO many people would be disappointed that their favorite wasn't picked first for the second book, and if I did everyone separately then I would go absolutely bonkers insane crazy rabid dog oo oo ah ah monkey madness.

I think I am EXTREMELY manic and probably spewing absolute NONSENSE right now but oml I can NOT SLEEP I haven't been able to sleep for like a week straight, I get like 4 hours each night and the second I wake up the first thing I think about is drinking 5 energy drinks and daydreaming about basically NOTHING oml I'm going to EXPLODE

i wrote 3k words in 50 minutes today and I'm on the urge of spontaneously combusting, I need to get this energy out and if I don't then I'm going to LOSE IT

i haven't eaten anything but a good 30 crackers as of the past 3 days, and yet I am ANYTHING but hungry AHHHH

okay that is all.

#shut up tyler #related to fmod #long post #might delete later #i need a Ativan or something because my anxiety is going bonkers #lord kill the pain #i'm literally shaking right now from how much energy I have #it is freaking TWO THIRTY AT NIGHT #i woke up at SEVEN this morning #my mood stabilizers aren't doing SHIT #might need to go to the hospital to get my meds reset #or SOMETHING #because I am actually fucking going bonkers