#okay sure my judgement might be flawed

[high-dragon-bait]

You should share your Very Strong Opinions about Anders' romance!! I double on the sentiment and I'd love to see some criticism/meta about him, that isn't shallow, stupid as fuck and/or written by people who are biased by simply just not liking his character. Please, share your thoughts how you don't think it's super healthy but fascinating storywise. I feel like you could potentially be so right <3

OKAY

Hold onto your hats folks because we might be here awhile

Before we start, I want to make it known that I like Anders. I REALLY like Anders to the point that, Anders is one of my favorite characters in Dragon Age if not just in fiction in general. PLEASE do not see this as character bashing because it’s not, I love this character. There is nothing wrong with characters being written with flaws. NUANCE in character writing is GOOD and Anders is FULL OF IT.

This is also NOT a judgement on people who like the Anders romance and consider it healthy. This is MY interpretation of this romance and Anders as a character. EVERYONE in the Dragon Age fandom has drastically different interpretations of romances and characters with some that are very specific to their world state. I would be lying if I said what I’m about to say wasn’t colored by my Hawke and Anders who in my canon have a very tragic, toxic relationship.

Okay. With that all out of the way. Let’s go

What are my Very Strong Opinions on the Anders romance and/or why do I think the Anders romance is unhealthy?

It’s uh. A lot. And hilariously, much of it is framed by his behavior OUTSIDE of a relationship with Hawke BECAUSE Anders is INCAPABLE of taking no for an answer.

If you don’t instantly shoot him down after recruiting him he pines for you for the rest of the game REGARDLESS of who you choose to romance, and let me be clear: I believe Anders’ love for Hawke is GENUINE.

Anders does, truly, deeply love Hawke and unrequited love sure does hurt but that is not an excuse for his behavior. Anders shows literally zero respect for you OR your love interest if it is not him. His jealousy is blatant and he WANTS it to be, he wants Hawke to feel bad and question their relationship with their current significant other if it drives Hawke back to him.

And this is... very strange considering that Anders literally warns you against getting into a relationship with him multiple times. Once right at the start where he says “No don’t fall for me I’ll only hurt youuuuu” and then, if you break up with him at the start of act 2 like he BEGS you to do, he’ll say “It’s better this way.”

AND THEN if you keep showing interest in him he’ll keep pushing you away, telling you not to get in a relationship with him. Even saying that if you don’t open your door to him then he’ll know you “took my warning at last” which all sounds like he’d be fine or even prefer to not get involved with you.

Except, sike, if you move on from him he just cannot stand that.

Now, there’s a good portion of the fandom that would call this “bad writing.” I wouldn’t. This is instead something that just makes Anders so nuanced and fascinating to me. This is a big part of WHY I love him as much as I do:

Anders is very selfless, for completely selfish reasons.

Anders tells you not to get to get too close to him because he’ll only hurt you, an act that feels selfless, but the MOMENT you start putting your attention elsewhere he cannot stand it and scrambles to have it back.

He expresses his jealousy openly so you will turn your attention to him one way or the other. He puts you in awkward situations (Asking if you’re “sure” about your new romantic partner in his final quest when they’re literally RIGHT THERE and insults them to their face) to embarrass you in front of your partner deliberately. It’s very manipulative behavior.

You can see this in other non-romantic contexts as well!! The biggest example being if you kill him, he says “The sooner I die, the sooner I become a martyr for the mages” which is just so telling. He wants you to kill him in that moment because he wants to become a MARTYR. The act of blowing up the chantry to begin the mage rebellion was a selfless one, but the desire he has to be killed afterwards to become a martyr is a selfISH one. (It maybe less a desire and more a way of coming to terms with what he thought would be an inevitable death sentence, but the fact that is the way he does is- telling)

And part of the reason I never do it, my Hawke is like “No bitch you live in this world you made and face it”

The one exception to this is his clinic. I don’t believe there’re any selfish motivations there, and I think that’s telling in his own right because remember the clinic was the first thing he did upon arriving in Kirkwall. He set up this clinic WELL BEFORE Justice had really started to take over. It was kind of his last act as himself in a very tragic way, for lack of better words. He even says that he begins to neglect it as the years roll on, the spirit of Justice taking over him more and more, it’s... very sad.

(And it does drive me INSANE that his writer was ableist as all hell and she accidentally wrote this SUPER INTERESTING character while INTENDING to write an ableist caricature of a bipolar person. I won’t speak on this too much as while I am ND I’m not bipolar but I just want it to be known that I’m aware of it and it infuriates me)

BUT this is about Anders’ romance and not a full analysis of his character, that can wait but this is what I mean. NUANCE. THE MAN IS MADE OF NUANCE!!!

SO let’s talk about how he is IN a romance now, rather than outside of it.

We’ll start with the language he uses to refer to you, and how he sees you in a relationship because oh BOY

Anders talks in a way that’s... concerning. He says that the “can’t control himself” around Hawke, that he’s obsessed with you. That’s not fantastic! It’s very codependent language that leads into the other flaws. Anders puts you in a position that you’re his entire world and he would be so much worse without you there. Yes, in the end he blows up the chantry regardless of what you do, that does not make his behavior any less distressing.

He’s always talking about how he’s dangerous, he’ll hurt you, he’s doomed, but that you’re his ONE bright light. You’re his ONE salvation. The ONE THING that helps him and that losing you would kill him. That’s- claustrophobic as all hell. I’ve been in relationships like this, romantic and platonic, they’re HELL. Anders sets off ALL OF THOSE vibes with me. Yes, he loves Hawke, and yes, he can be very sweet, but that does not counteract these flaws.

The Anders romance is basically just Anders constantly hurting Hawke and Hawke having no choice but to be fine with it, because if they aren’t Anders will continue to pursue them and disrespect their new relationship. It’s constant emotional manipulation, and it’s sad.

BUT this is why I find it to be a great story because IT MAKES SENSE why Anders is like this. Think about his life before! How many healthy relationships has he even seen? He doesn’t have the romantic experience of an adult, he CAN’T have that experience. He’s doing what he can based on his past experiences which were not good.

AND STILL that is not an excuse because who else is all of that (never had a healthy relationship, doesn’t have romantic adult experiences, literally could not have had those things) true for?

Fenris

I know I know but just, hear me out, it is really interesting to put these two romances next to each other given Anders and Fenris’ entire thing

Fenris is (debatably) the other character that auto-falls for you, he is at least the other character that initiates flirting before you do if you have not done so before (No Isabela does not flirt with you in this way! You don’t get a wheel that’s just hearts and broken hearts with her UNLESS you initiate! It ONLY HAPPENS with Anders and Fenris!) And his approach is the POLAR OPPOSITE to Anders

If you flirt with him, he flirts back. He asks one time if him being an escaped elven slave bothers you, and if you go “nope” he’s like “dope” and does not bring it up again. After that, he continues to flirt with you, saying he’s interested and would be open to finding out. He pulls you closer while Anders pushes you away.

And yet... who leaves in act 2?

This is the fundamental difference between the two in their romances and maybe even as people. Because I believe by the end of their personal quests, if you’ve shown interest, they are both in similar states emotionally (confused, tired, broken), and both equally as in love with Hawke and the difference between how they approach a relationship with Hawke is this:

Anders wants you to be the thing that grounds him, that saves him. You can’t be that.

Fenris realizes that you can’t be that from the start, and leaves, and comes back when he’s ready

BUT the representation of Fenris and Anders’ dichotomy through their romances is another post (a post I WILL make. I made a twitter thread on it awhile back but wasn’t too pleased with it cause twitter has a character limit) the point is that it’s just one more thing that makes Anders’ story so fascinating and so HEARTBREAKING for me because so much of what is true for him is true for Fenris and yet they handle it so differently.

Maybe it’s because Fenris can, at least in some ways, be “freed” from what hurt him (yes the markings and the TRAUMA will never leave him but he can live as a free man one day is the point I’m making) while Anders cannot. Justice is part of him, forever, he cannot escape. Maybe it’s just who they are as people, it’s probably both! Either way, it makes them so INTERESTING

But there you go! Somewhat rambley and not even scratching the surface of my love for Anders (and Fenris) but it’s a start!

Anders’ romance and friendship are unhealthy in my eyes, but they fascinate me because of what they say about Anders as a character and the tragic story that comes from both of them.

#Dragon Age #dragon age 2 #Anders #what. do i tag this with #anti handers #i mean sorta????? just in case???????????????

[diffenbachiae]

hi lizzie. do you have any advice for someone who is very much not on their own side

yes!!! for me it was 3 separate pieces all kind of coming together over the course of the past few years. the first 18 years of my life were a long stretch of ‘if i can just make it to adulthood and out of this house it’ll all be okay’ and once i made it i was very quickly realizing that everything was not, in fact, okay. some of this might not be as relevant for you if you aren’t someone with c-ptsd but for me this is what helped!!

1) If everyone else is a person, you have to be a person too. Things that apply to all people must be true for you as well.

that’s where I had to start because that’s where my self-esteem was- it was really hard for me to convince myself that i deserved to eat, let alone that i deserved friendship, love, or affection. i would have myself come up with Rules for All People. all people deserve enough food to fuel their body. all people have inherent worth without needing to prove anything. all people deserve friends who treat them well. this really helped me confront the hypocrisy in my own brain and helped me see how flawed my own perspective of myself is- it’s really hard for me to think of myself as a person automatically and it’s much easier for me to come up with things i think are true for all humans and then logically i Must be part of that group.

2) Nothing will get better unless you try / you have to trust yourself.

dude i wasn’t even trying for such a long time. i think that a big part of this was my obsession with rescue/found family stories as a kid- i expected a safe loving adult to swoop in and save me and teach me how to be a person and obviously that never happened, but i didn’t realize the fantasy persisted. i wanted my friends to let me tearfully confess my childhood and have that magically make it better, i wanted a picture-perfect significant other to scoop me into their arms and erase my childhood… this isn’t to say that talking about your loved ones with your feelings doesn’t improve things, but that mental health recovery has to be an individual journey at the end of the day. you have to want to get better and work at it. part of this for me was working on not lying to myself. i would think ‘it’s okay that i’m laying in bed for 12 straight hours today, i’ll get up and clean tomorrow’ all while knowing full well i wasn’t gonna fuckin do that for a second. it was always tomorrow, next week, next year, things will be different, but then i wouldn’t take any action to make things different. i started to practice telling myself i would do things and following through. this feels really silly to type out bc it sounds so simple but self-discipline was one of the biggest skills i was lacking and teaching myself it has made a HUGE difference. it’s really hard to learn how to make yourself do things you don’t want to do but if you start small and ramp up it’s way easier.

3) You’re allowed to have fun.

everyone in this goddamn world will try and convince you you can’t have fun and it makes it so hard to stay on your own team. shame is a really powerful weapon of control and it’s so easy to start to internalize it until you feel guilty about EVERYTHING. guilt about eating food, what kind of food, if it was too much food… guilt about rest, about oversleeping, about productivity… idk i feel like there’s a million rules to follow about what my life ‘should’ look like and none of them seem quite that focused on the enjoyment of that life. i started to try and practice looking at my choices with less judgement and more focus on enjoyment. sure i can spend five hours on tiktok and then tell myself i’m lazy and terrible because of it but that doesn’t actually do or solve anything- i’m beating myself up because i feel like i should. what’s more useful is to think ‘did i enjoy that time genuinely? do i even remember any of the videos i watched? did i do that because i get joy out of it or because it’s easier than being bored?’ tiktok is my example because it’s the app i most easily fall into using out of habit and not enjoyment, but i also genuinely really enjoy tiktok when i use it in a specific way (crochet inspo, rewatching my favorite covers of songs… instead of just the FYP)

this ended up being really long rip i hope it’s useful to you anon!!!! please keep in mind i’m not a mental health expert of any kind i am just someone who is too poor to afford therapy and has spent countless hours reading books and online resources in an attempt to not feel like a pit of sadness on a day to day basis lol. please feel free to send me more asks or message me if you want to talk more (this goes for anyone reading this as well!!!!!) ✨💖💖

#also the first step is deciding you want to live. which is a whole thing in and of itself. #if you’re still making that commitment please know that i want you here with us!!! #personal tag #this was very cathartic to type out ngl

[chloeinletters]

it was reassuring to read that ask (and your answer) about vulnerability/sharing writing. I feel a similar way. my main concern is when it comes to writing about personal relationships (of any kind). if they are at the centre of something I’m writing about, it’s difficult to write honestly while withholding that information. obviously I would never go into detail but a certain amount is necessary otherwise the narrative feels hollow. but I would never want to cause upset if a friend read my writing. I’ve read other people’s work where they seem to find a good balance, a sense of humanness without judgement, but I find it hard. just wondered if you have any thoughts?

When I first began writing I had many many teachers tell me to write with compassion. Speaking to this idea of hollowness, when we write about our real life there's an understanding that the people in this story are real and flawed people. That the average person does not exist wholly in one category, good person or bad person. So when we try to make either thing true, the story falls flat because no one can keep up that idea all the time.

I don't want to say don't withhold information. There are boundaries that can't be crossed, secrets that aren't yours to share. I would say, don't withhold anything that makes a moment untrue.

This is something I've thought a lot about as I wrote a lot of papers on it, which is the idea of truth vs fact. Something can still be true without being totally factual. (This is a big topic in the memoir/creative non-fic world so this is just my opinion and you can figure out what you believe.) An example I like to think about is that someone I wrote a lot about treated me really badly. They said these really horrible things to me and later, after everything happened, I found out something about their childhood that put into better perspective why they might act the way they do. That put me in a strange position because it explained them in a way, and allowed for compassion from a reader and myself if I wrote about it, but it wasn't my story. I take extra care to include moments of true sincerity with them, picking dialogue that showed the three dimensions of their personality and existence. I also am sure to have the self-awareness to point out when I am behaving badly, how my inner monologue in the moment can be flat or dense or unkind. It levels the playing field a bit.

In angrier moments, I express my pain while also making space for other possibilities to exist. With distance it's easier to write these intense moments with a sort of brevity that says this hurt my feelings but also we are people in the world and we misspeak and we lash out and we are human beings and also mind you I am imperfect too even if this is my story. I am also never writing with malice or to make people feel bad for me.

I will also add that this person knew I wrote about them from the beginning and was okay with it. So communication outside the work is important too. Maybe show them the work first and say I wrote this I am publishing it and I want to be sure you understand precisely what I am saying about us and what I feel now. Ultimately, if you write with care, people are more embarrassed than anything and if this is what you want to do then you have a right to say this happened to me. There's a memoir that begins with a disclaimer that goes along the lines of "if you don't like how I portrayed you then you should have behaved better."

That's where I stand on it all. We all fuck up. It's a skill as much as anything to find the line of humanity and thread it through these moments.

This is also a huge topic to try to tackle in one post so I hope this answers the question for you a bit more!

[higuchisora]

Okay but like. Can we stop making our orphaned main characters grow up to be shitty parents now? Like I get that it's supposed to "add dimension" to them or whatever but at this point it's kinda tired imo. Plus it's giving really nasty vibes and connotations when you look at how common this trope is. Like am I the only one who noticed that 3 of some of the biggest shows/stories ever with, coincidentally, orphaned male main characters decided to make sequels where they end up being shitty/lackluster dads to their sons?

I get that no one's perfect, but why do they all have the same struggle that comes with the same awful connotations, especially when it doesn't even really make sense for their character/other flaws and struggles would've easily made more sense and might've even been more interesting? Like, I don't need another "Daddy Issues: The Movie", I already have my own, goddamn 🙄

It doesn't surprise me that Jhorts Khaki Rollup/the guys she worked with wrote that, whether or not they even noticed what they were implying with it. But when not only them, but Naruto and The Last Airbender both pull that shit too, in increasingly contrived ways, it's just not cool, imo.

There's some irony there, especially when considering the characters in question. All of them, at the core of their characters, come with massive insecurities and issues surrounding abandoment/craving love and family.

Let's start with Naruto. I know he and his son make up or something, but the fact that it was even an arc- plus the way they handled it- was so weird to me. Like, the original series literally had kids making fun of him for not having parents and saying shit like "well, no wonder he's dumb/rude/dirty, he doesn't have parents lol loser" and mocking him for it. It feels like they're almost proving those kids right, by making him have such a strained relationship with his son. Like they're saying "oh, of course he can't be a good dad- he's never had one." Which is beyond disgusting.

One of my friends argued that it made sense because he's now the village leader, so he's busy etc etc, but honestly? I call bullshit. Sure, being hokage was his dream. But it was his dream because he wanted to be accepted by his village, because they were treating him like shit his whole life. He just wanted to be loved. Regardless of how any decent parent should be prioritizing their child, Naruto himself, at his core, is driven by this. So to think he'd finally have a family of his own, people who love him, and he'd just ignore them in favor of work doesn't make any sense. It doesn't matter if they have a mom to watch them, Naruto would absolutely want to be part of every step of their lives.

On the other hand, with Harry, I'm more inclined to believe it, in a way. I've never read Harry Potter myself (just the movies as a kid), but people who have, told me he was actually pretty judgemental in the books. So I guess it would make sense he'd be taken aback by his son's sorting. However, he literally named him after a Slytherin. One he used to hate, by the way. It wouldn't make sense for him to be down to name his son after the guy that tormented him in school, then get mad when his son turns out to be a Slytherin. Like naming your kid after an artist, then being mad when he grows up to like art. It's just weird. He's literally deeply insecure about not having parents/a family, so I can't really imagine him not throwing as much love as he can towards his kids regardless of how they turn out.

The same goes for Aang, even more so. This guy was a fucking monk, one whose people got fucking genocide'd. Sure, you might argue that that's what would make him so preoccupied with revitalizing Airbenders and why he'd be so bummed his kids weren't airbenders, but even then I just can't see it. He's lost everyone, but he's also the same guy who lowkey gave up the avatar state for Katara, still does that dorky fucking spinning marble trick at his grown age. He'd fucking love his family with all he has, considering he's lost his other family. And, I'm going to be honest here. I just don't fucking believe Katara would just sit there and let him neglect his kids. I don't care what anyone has to say about his motives or how they feel about Katara; love or hate her, that girl would not fucking stand for that shit. She'd kick his ass six ways to Sunday and then drag him in for counseling, even if that counseling was just Sokka with a beard and mustache glued on. People seem to forget, she's not the Avatar's Wife, she's Katara, who happens to be married to Aang, who happens to be the Avatar. You saw how she was with her dad (and Sokka). That shit would not fly in her house.

It's like when they write the Asian character as a nerd with 1st gen immigrant parents who run a laundromat, or the only black character having an absent/incarcerated father. It's one thing if it happens IRL, it's another when you go out of your way to enforce stereotypes/harmful beliefs in your writing. Even if it wasn't intended, it's not excusable.

There's others, and more I'd like to say, but those are the ones I remember distinctly, and it just disappoints and pisses me off to see so many creators collectively go with the narrative that the orphan has to be a bad parent. I don't care if that's not what they meant, or that it was for "drama" or "complexity". This is an ongoing trend, especially for such a specific demographic/type of main character, and it's not only gross, but incredibly damaging, too. It doesn't need to be intentional to be harmful. I know people whose exact fear is becoming a shitty parent because they've had asbent/abusive/neglectful parents and/or a bad childhood. Hell, I'm one of them, though I don't plan on having kids. It feels like they're just feeding into that fear and perpetuating this harmful sentiment.

#avatar the last airbender #legend of korra #naruto #4 am rant #just angry i guess

[elytrafemme]

Now we move onto cstubbo! Who will be faster to analyze because ive already established some things here.

hes deffo an introvert! Like i feel like this is the easiest of all aspects to assign due to the simple nature of introvert v extrovert. While i do feel like many people lie in the middle between the two, when it comes down to it there is a scale and most people are on either side even if barely. 

Anyway cstubbo introvert.

Next is intuitive v observant. I feel like cstubbo might fall more into observant here. People who are observant prefer things to have one clear message rather than an abstract one, and they are very focused on the present. They are practical and deal with what is right in front of them. They value simplicity.

Okay and then comes the aspect i despise assigning the most. Like what makes someone thinking or feeling when everyone is such a mixture of the two?! Alas i carry on!i am going to be very topical with this one for the sake of my sanity. thinking individuals are associated with using the scientific process on every day life. What does that mean? Im not really sure! However at the end of the day tubbo=science. 

Okay ill think about it more. Those with the thinking trait are less likely to as others for help or opinions on their own problems. They find a discomfort in emotions and often will override their own emotions to have a more rational response or opinion. And yea i think thats pretty cstubbo!

Now comes the tactics aspect which is even more broad, but yea. This one is hard because the actual test doesnt take into account anything like idk adhd which would make it hard to focus on things. However someone with adhd isnt automatically someone with the prospecting trait. But thats just one of the many flaws of the system and im trying my best to work around that.

To be honest i think cstubbo might be more judging and here i have a reason. Throughout tubbos story arc we see him struggling to cope with the changes going on in his life, which are all valid things to struggle with. However he refers back to how he wish he was back in the weird little routine he had before. Or maybe im imagining things idk.

Anyway for that reason i think he has the judging trait. While he deals well with smaller changes or does good with being spontaneous on a small scale, those are all things that he mentally planned anyway. Like he mentally planned out how he was going to skip class to hang out with ranboo despite the action seeming spontaneous in nature.

Okay i realize i should have given reasons for literally every other decision before now but that would double the length of this and im too tired to do that. Sorry but youyfgsdyghkfdyugbksdfuygtkrueygt ya know?

OKAY SO cstubo ISTJ and then also turbulent because, well, stressed. 

Now lets take a look at the ISTJ description. Here they are called Logicians (on 16personalitys.com) but ima just say ISTJ

They are reserved and willful. They commit to what they do and have high integrity. They are committed to staying rational and grounded in order to keep up their practicality. Even in stressful situations. They respect structure and often find that there is only one way to do things. They are quick to own up to their mistakes.

ISTJ often holds other people to high standards and can be quick to judge. Theyre the kind of person to do a group project by themself because they want it done right.

strengths: honest, direct, strong-willed, dutiful, responsible, calm and practical, create and enforce order, jack of all trades

weaknesses: stubborn, insensitive, lives life by the book, judgemental, blames themselves

this website says that ISTJ enforces conservative values like who the hell thinks political standing is determined by a literal personality trait???? i dispise the romance section of each personality. and yea the whole *this personality is usually conservative with traditional beliefs* was in the romance section.

in friendships they are very loyal but they struggle with expressing emotions. they don’t like conflict and avoid it when possible. it’s common for a ISTJ to have an intuitive (N) person in their close friend group.

turbulent ISTJ need consistency for stability in their life however they often don’t know what they want. 

okay i think this description fits cstubbo better than the first description fit csranboo. so let’s look at another description!

Truity described ISTJ as,”responsible organizers, driven to create and enforce order within systems and institutions. They are neat and orderly, inside and out, and tend to have a procedure for everything they do.”

this description feels like it fits even less, but no matter! to get more results!! i’m going to take the same quiz as before but this time answering as cstubbo! which is actually really fun, i highly suggest taking personality quizzes as a fictional character! it’s a joy

interesting enough the result was ISTP! Truity had this to say,”As an ISTP, you are curious about the mechanics of the world around you and have a unique ability to manipulate the tools in your environment. You tend to study how things work and often achieve mastery in the use and operation of machines, instruments, and equipment. You seek understanding, but in a practical sense: you like to be able to put your technical knowledge to immediate use and are quickly bored by theory.

You are attentive to details and responsive to the demands of the world around you. Because of your astute sense of your environment, you are good at moving quickly and responding to emergencies. You are reserved, but not withdrawn: you enjoy taking action, and approach the world with a keen appreciation for the physical and sensory experiences it has to offer.

You tend to be detached and prefer the logic of mechanical things to the complexity of human emotions. Independent and reserved, you treasure your personal space, and want to be free to be spontaneous and follow your own lead. You are selective about your relationships, and appreciate others who allow you plenty of freedom to do your own thing.”

I think this, if anything, is very c!tubbo. Not sure about cstubbo though. I guess theyre the same though! I am still stubborn about cstubbo having the judging trait, and i’d even argue so does c!tubbo. Like both of them like spontaneous things they control, change that they individually control. But in the end both tubs are still thinking and planning in everything they do. Either that or I'm projecting again. Am i? I dont think so. Maybe subconsciously?

In conclusion, cstubbo ISTP-T and or ISTJ-T. Personally i like ISTJ more but that's really trivial I guess.

Anyway ima try and cut this short, I hope you enjoyed! I hate the myers briggs system but i will shove things into it to spite myself! Peace and love 

(3/3)

yeah cs!tubbo introvert that one is ez

i would agree with observant too! i think that one is the one i have the hardest time wrapping my head around bc idk if im observant or intuitive myself tbh but i do think he is a lot more like practical with things. he's a bit of a cynic and a lot of his abstract thoughts are actually just a lot of patterns repeating in his head -- a lot of his paranoias are kind of just. analyzing past patterns. so i feel like overall yeah

yeah thinking v feeling with tubbo's character is hard... he's deffo near the middle but i would argue a lean towards thinking as well. he's pretty aware of people's emotions constantly but when he makes decisions they are not really off of his own emotions, if they're irrational its more due to like his preconceived notions about something rather than a spur of the moment thing. so yep agreed on thinking here

truthfully i have no fucking idea what to decide on this last one. because the more i think on it i realize ranboo is WAY more judging like as i ruminate but i get here and i don't really know? on one hand i do agree tubbo has a lot of plans set out, but the thing about him is he's made a lot of moves to have practical plans, but a lot of these plans kind of include him just Figuring Shit Out. his plan to run away in a lot of ways as we see in the earlier chapters kind of just boils down to... i've collected stuff and planned for this but after this. well IDK. so it's kind of hard to say but i will tentatively go with J here

deffo turbulent. man has not the slighest fucking clue what he wants to do with himself

that first description is actually pretty accurate with tubbo! i mean as much as these can fit they're obviously broad and weird. the second one doesn't really fit that much LOL he doesn't necessarily seek out order in life he kind of thrives off of shit going wrong and getting messed up which makes him the exact opposite tbh. so maybe he IS more P than J idk

HM OK I LIKE THAT LAST DESCRIPTION TOO... Goddammit these letters are pissing me OFF okay. because like with his relationships tubbo also does like having relationships where he doesn't feel super tied down in a way? like if he has to make a clean break and run he wants to make sure as minimal as possible people give that much of a fuck. i have no goddmn clue maybe he's a perfect middle who knows

thank u so much for these! know that an owl has been shouting outside my window this entire time which owls usually arent around here so idk why he's here but yeah!

#nightmare.cough-syrup #nightmare.ask #long post #sleepy anon ☁️

[yeimythings]

my year of nonfiction dedication

since graduating college in 2022, i have rediscovered my childhood love for reading. i've found my niche in fantasy, romance, and literary fiction books. working at a library, i spend a lot of time reading and talking about books. HOWEVER, i have one fatal reading flaw. i've become allergic to reading non-fiction. any time i contemplate reading anything non-fiction related, including historical fiction or news articles, my eyes glaze over. why is it that i can read 500+ pages of a serious political fantasy, but have allergic reactions to reading about real political and social history?

this is a bit of a chronic condition. i find non-fiction to be tedious and wordy. most of my feelings come from a place of insecurity, i think. i spent a lot of my undergraduate career feeling stupid when assigned non-fiction readings for class. i struggled to find bias and critique, and felt like my head was empty of nuance for discussion. i constantly compared myself to my classmates, who seemed to deeply engage with any of the class readings. i was so sure that i wouldnt understand the readings that i would not attempting to read what was assigned. i would show up to class head empty and no thoughts coursing through my brain, except that i was a failure of a student. this continued for all four years.

i wish i could go back and tell myself that i was NOT stupid. i just never gave myself the opportunity to trust my own judgement.

so, in the spirit of actually learning something from a book and not from hour long youtube video essays, i am dedicating myself to becoming a non-fiction reader. here's how:

1. i am starting a graduate program in may. i will be forced to read nonfiction for assignments (or at least that is what i assume will be happening). i vow to read the longest assigned reading for every class.

now, you might think i am aiming really low. that's super fair. but i would rather finish one reading then fail on reading every single one, and then feel bad about breaking a promise to myself. this is one promise i can keep.

2. read one long form essay every two weeks in its entirety. i hope to source these from magazines/newspapers, like the new yorker or some other long-form magazine. i solemnly swear i will not skim over the parts that are boring.

3. read one nonfiction book every two months. in general, i really like books about city and urban development. i will ask friends to see what books they found intersting, and look at the stack of books i have at my desk in my office and slim down the books i'd actually want to read.

i share this to build a healthier mindset around reading. it might turn out that non-fiction books simply do not jive with my reading tastes. that would be okay! i wouldn't mind learning something new about myself this year.

#reading #yeimythings #nonfiction tag

[fourteenth-seat]

RELATIONSHIPS — TALK ABOUT THE MUSE.

NAME:  Paion

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION:  gay

PREFERRED PET NAMES:  i’m not sure he’d be super big into pet names tbh but idk? try it!

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:  single :^( someone come get this man before he evaporates or smth

FAVOURITE CANON SHIP: er. uh. xiv is very ambig about ships so idk.

FAVOURITE NON-CANON SHIP:  any :^) i’m especially big on anything to do w azem/hyth/emet or pashtarot but tbh, i think my azem is extremely shippable w just about anybody. (that said, i really don’t wanna force ships on people, or make anyone feel like they should ship w me or anything so i just leave things at platonic unless with people he would know unless otherwise specified.)

OPINION ON TRUE LOVE:  oh, it exists. it absolutely exists, and there are many around him who appear to have been blessed with it. paion himself, however, has not (not counting the strong platonic love he bears for his friends lmao.) 

OPINIONS ON LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT:  ....no. absolutely not. this is the kind of thing that leads to people (like his parents) not getting along and thereby making those around them (specifically any children that are produced from a union borne of love at first sight) absolutely miserable in his experience. paion’s view is that love needs time to mature in the heart, where it can be nurtured, and perhaps, eventually expressed someday! maybe.

IDEAL PERSONALITY TRAITS:  though he deems it little more than a selfish little dream that he tries not to think about too much, he would prefer to be loved holistically, with a partner desiring him regardless of his flaws (as well as being able to cope with the fact that his duties regularly involve him venturing well outside of amaurot for varying and unspecified/often lengthy periods of time.) he is also extremely free-spirited and more individualistic than your average amaurotine. 

UNATTRACTIVE PHYSICAL TRAITS:  misc. scarring all over his body, lack of volume control at times, is often physically away on duty for long periods of time

UNATTRACTIVE PERSONALITY TRAITS:  paion is very mercurial and prone to mood swings, temperamental, opinionated, stubborn,  very all-or-nothing (he vacillates between being EXTREMELY clingy and then just not being present like at all.) he will always place his duties as azem (which he sometimes terms ‘the needs of etheirys’) above his relationships with individuals, even if it frequently pains him to do so. although he’s something of a bon vivant who enjoys letting loose, he’s also rather more prone to self-martyrdom (even if inadvertently at times -- meaning that he typically prioritizes others’ needs over his own.) just like the WoL, he suffers from a seemingly chronic inability to tell people who ask for his help to fuck off (even when he probably should.)

IDEAL DATE:  um idk :^( i think he’d just treasure being in the company of a loved one. that’s Enough for him honestly. he doesn’t need anything fancy -- flopping down together to watch the stars is good enough for him (and if you’re VERY LUCKY and he’s VERY COMFORTABLE with you, he might even sing for you!!) it is a dream of his to stand in the presence of a lover and listen to the ‘song’ of their soul, though...

DO THEY HAVE A TYPE?: not really. he likes whoever likes him!

AVERAGE RELATIONSHIP LENGTH: paion hasn’t exactly had much in the way of a genuine, official, lasting relationship with anybody....more like on and off flings -- except for pashtarot, if you count their extremely whirlwind courtship.

PREFERRED NON-SEXUAL INTIMACY:  virtually anything as long as he knows that it’s a gesture of affection. paion will soak up any and all shows of affection like a dry little sponge.

he won’t admit it, but he is extremely deprived and touch-starved!

COMMITMENT LEVEL:  he’s fine with making commitments as long as the other partner in question is okay with his extenuating circumstances ; ;

OPINION OF PUBLIC AFFECTION: he won’t pass judgement on a partner for not being big on PDA, although he’s not personally averse to it. paion can and will hug people he cares about openly if he’s having a moment of feeling particularly grateful or affectionate! 

PAST RELATIONSHIPS?: he’s had intimate flings with people, to be sure, but they usually end -- often because the other person in question had an ulterior agenda and/or they only wanted him around to engage with a specific aspect of him as a person (whether it’s just having him around for sex or having him sing for them) rather than loving him genuinely and holistically.

#❧ ｢ OOC ｣ memes #(putting the rest under a cut because it's long and uh. yeah)

[astroreadsbyelle]

“What are the circumstances that surround your person’s love confession to you and vice versa?”

HELLO!!!!!!!!!! I am back with a new PAC!!!!! I am SO!!! HAPPY!!! TO BE DOING THIS AGAIN!!! CAN YOU TELL!!!!!

I’m not even kidding I seriously missed this so much 😭😭😭 I’m so excited and happy for this reading 😭😭😭😭😭 especially since I finally got this cool new Astrology Deck and it’s going to be my first time using it for PACs 😭 I got it in September and I haven’t been able to use it until now so I’m really excited, I hope you all are too, and I hope the pile you choose resonates with you. Let’s begin!

Decks used:

Heavenly Bodies Astrology Deck by Lily Ashwell

Star Spinner Tarot by Trungles

Witchlings Oracle Deck by Paulina Cassidy

Love Quotes and Lyrics Deck by Yours Truly (ahehe)

PILE 1: Girl in the Floral Veil

Cards:

(Them) Sagittarius Moon in the 1st House, I of Coins (R), VIII of Wands, Fortitude, Inspiration, Rejuvenation

(You) Libra Neptune in the 5th House, Queen of Swords (R), II of Wands, The High Priestess, Motivation, Happiness

Okay, your person seems to be pretty straightforward with their feelings, but it’s more of because they wear their heart out on their sleeve and is just super transparent with how they feel about you. However, they might not confess their love to you right away because a setback has occurred. They know how they feel, and you probably know already as well, (I don’t think they’re very good with hiding feelings honestly, they’re just so obvious LMAO) but obviously they have to say SOMETHING so you know for sure that there really is something there. Something seems to be causing the confession to be pushed back quite a bit, perhaps one or both of you are going through something that requires more attention, so they decide that it’s not yet the right time to officially tell you how they feel. Or perhaps they feel reluctant at first to confess because they might be having doubts about how you’ll react or respond? Either way, I feel like they’ll get over it soon enough and just end up feeling optimistic about the whole thing; they’ll take it all in stride regardless of the outcome.

Honestly, you seem just as whipped for this person as they are for you LMAO. Perhaps even to the point that you might idealize them a bit. When it comes to them, logic just seems to jump right out the window, huh? While they are very wonderful, it’s important to remember that they’re still people with shortcomings and flaws (though you may not acknowledge that because you’re so enamored with them). You can hype them up, definitely, but just don’t put them on a pedestal because we all know that causes problems one way or another. Once you get past this hiccup, however, you will know how to go about your love for them, and you’ll be able to properly communicate it so long as you just go with your gut!

Channeled messages from them:

“You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire you.” -Jane Austen

“If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting the rest of our lives.” -Lemony Snicket

Channeled messages from you:

“When it was dark, you always carried the sun in your hand for me.” -Sean O’ Casey

“I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday.” -Lemony Snicket

PILE 2: Love Marie

Cards:

(Them) Aries Venus in the 6th House, The Chariot, Page of Coins (R), The Devil (R), Determination, Courage

(You) Cancer Mercury in the 12th House, Judgement, VI of Wands (R), III of Coins (R), Abundance, Patience

First of all, this person was LOCKED on you the moment they realized their feelings. It’s like, “Oh, I like them? Okay, time to confess then.” They will not hold back. You want something? They’ll get it for you. You need something done? They’ll do it for you. I feel like this kind of thing feels more fulfilling to them than it does for you. I don’t think you’ll be exactly pleased with this situation. Perhaps you’re a little overwhelmed by it all, you’re not comfortable and you think they’re being a little unrealistic about how things like this should play out. If pile 1 shows that the reader has a tendency to idealize their person, then this pile shows that your person has a tendency to idealize you or your relationship. While they are your person and we know that they do mean well, you must let them know whenever you feel at least a little bit uncomfortable. They must also understand that situations like this are completely normal and are not the end of the world! It’s getting through situations like these together that make the relationship all the more fulfilling, so they shouldn’t just think of the good times.

You, on the other hand, might not be as straightforward with your feelings for your person. While you really do like them and care for them, there seems to be something within you that holds back a bit. As a result, you might be sending mixed signals! It’s like one of those people who seem like they scold you (not actually raising your voice) a lot but it’s coming from a place of genuine concern. I feel like you might even be the type to kick yourself after you’ve realized that your approach with them wasn’t exactly the best. It’s like, “Why did I do/say that? Now they’re going to get the wrong idea even though I really do like them.” You do your best to show that you care about them, you really do. You’re just not the best at expressing it, that’s all. Don’t be discouraged! Just be patient with yourself and believe that they will understand exactly what you’re trying to say, even if you’re not the best with expressing your feelings. As long as you try to let them know, they will meet you halfway. You will come to an understanding, and you will no longer have to doubt whether or not they know that you really do love them.

Channeled messages from them:

“You have me. Until the very last star in the galaxy dies. You have me.” -Amie Kaufman

“And I kissed him, and he kept kissing me back.” -Benjamin Alire Sáenz

Channeled messages from you:

“There is never a moment in which I do not adore you.” -Marie Antoinette

“I could be your lullaby, be my lover every night.” -Ruthless, The Marias

PILE 3: On A Summer Cloud

Cards:

(Them) Cancer Jupiter in the 7th House, V of Swords, VIII of Swords, Death, Imagination, Motivation

(You) Capricorn Moon in the 8th House, The High Priestess, IX of Chalices, Knight of Coins (R), Energy, Motivation

If I’m being honest, I can’t see the event of the confession per se, but I do see the circumstances that surround it or are related to it. Your person in particular would be trapped in a difficult situation. There may be a person or a group of people who have been targeting them, and in an effort to stand up for themselves, they fought back. This, however, did not go very well, and they only ended up being shamed by the same people who have wronged them. What’s good here is that this situation will end, and a new, more nurturing and loving environment will be brought upon them. Perhaps they’ve been dreaming, looking forward to seeing you, and this will be what pushes them to get out of the horrible situation that they were in. You two understand each other, and there is an abundance of love between you two.

You seem to be a bit similar to them. Though no one seems to be targeting you, I feel as though your biggest critic is yourself. There is a period of discouragement for you. I don’t think I can say that you’re lazy, it’s just that you’re unmotivated because your light has dimmed somehow. Regardless, I don’t think you have any plans to give up whatever it is that you’re working on. In the end, things have not exactly gone according to plan (understandably so), but you’re satisfied nevertheless. You’re just glad that it’s all over. After this, it seems that your heart will lead you to go through a big change in your life, and a good one at that. Whatever it is, it seems to be something that you really are passionate about. It feels like something you can really stick to. I feel like you were both in undesirable situations, and something in both your lives will lead to you two meeting and falling in love. You will be so caring to one another, and it will be a completely different energy from the awful one you two were previously accustomed to. We can’t see what happens when you two confess your love to each other, but it’s definitely inevitable given that there’s so much love between you two!

Channeled messages from them:

“There is never a moment in which I do not adore you.” -Marie Antoinette

“I don’t wanna be okay without you.” -IDWBOWY, Charlie Burg

Channeled messages from you:

“I have crossed oceans of time to find you.” -Bram Stoker

“If I say something that comes out all wrong, please forgive me.” -Ruthless, The Marias

That concludes this PAC! I hope you enjoyed this reading as much as I enjoyed preparing for it. I’m so glad to be able to do this again, so I really do hope you all liked it as well. Feedback is always very much appreciated! It always makes me happy to see your replies and tags, it means the world to me. Thank you all so much and take care always, much love! 💕

-Elle

Copyright © 2021 Astrology Readings by Elle, All Rights Reserved

#astro community #astro notes #astrology #astrology community #astrology notes #daily tarot #free tarot readings #pick a card #pick a card reading #pick a pile #love reading #future spouse reading #pick a pile reading #tarotblr #tarot deck #tarot love #tarot readings #tarot reading #tarot #fs reading

[luvyanfei]

with a short & insecure s/o (hcs)

ft. xiao, kaeya, zhongli, & xingqiu requested by anon

this,,, this is me

xiao. 

he’s appalled when he finds out people actually tease you for your height. xiao has always known how terrible humans can be, but to think they would attempt to tear someone down, specifically his lover, just because they’re considered small irate him to no end. you might want to hold on to him tightly before he can storm off and declare war on the bullies who dared to torment you in any way. 

he honestly doesn’t care if you’re short or tall, ugly or pretty - your appearance isn’t what’s important here. he fell in love with you for what’s inside of you, don’t forget that, okay? xiao may not outright say all that because he’s embarrassed of showing his soft side to you, but if your insecurity gets the better of you, he’ll at least lend an ear to you as you rant to him while stargazing together. 

however, what xiao despises more than others treating you poorly is you belittling yourself. he has zero tolerance for that kind of attitude and will react quite aggressively, gripping you by the shoulders and shaking you. he can’t help himself. it hurts him deeply, dare he say more than a stab to his heart, seeing you wallowing in self-hatred. he’s harsh, but he means well. xiao would much rather see a content smile on your face than having you look disconsolate. 

“have you finally stopped your wailing yet?” xiao peers at your face drenched in tears in disinterest, but really, he’s pretty concerned on the inside. your sobs have been reduced to quiet sniffles, but your body won’t stop trembling. he looks away for a minute, sighs heavily, and pulls you into his arms, a blush coating his cheeks. 

he stays silent the whole time, too nervous to do anything really, as your palms press against his chest lightly and will yourself to calm down. xiao clears his throat and brings a finger down to brush away the glistening tears from your eyes. 

“look, just because you’re short, it doesn’t mean i don’t like you any less,” he whispers only for you to hear, and presses his lips to your forehead, letting it linger there for a few seconds. “even if you, or anybody else, don’t think you’re worthy enough, i at lease still care about you, so don’t let others’ opinions get to you.”

kaeya.

not to be blunt or anything, but kaeya being, well kaeya, he’s probably going to relentlessly tease you. he doesn’t do it because he harbors any ill-intent towards you. it’s just, kaeya is very fond of your flustered expression. if you happen to end up crying from his words, he’ll immediately stop and apologize guiltily. the last thing he needs is for you to abandon him too because of a fault on his end. 

kaeya really does love you a lot, despite your flaws and silently admires you for your empathy and altruism. one good thing about being shorter than your boyfriend is that you can wear his clothing on and he’ll be a gushing mess in no time. he’ll purposefully place his jacket somewhere for you to find in hopes you’ll put it on. he may be doing this just for the purpose of having fun, but he likes knowing that it means you're comfortable and accepting in your relationship with him. 

he likes patting you on the head when you pass by each other at random times, his lips curling in a knowing smirk. if you ever need help obtaining items that are out of your reach, kaeya will conveniently be there to lend a hand. it fuels his confidence how you always go to him for help instead of seeking support from someone who might be more reliable. it goes to show that your trust in him is deep. 

“having difficulties, [name]?” kaeya hollers to gain your attention as you look down from the ladder to glance at the knight, your hand outreached to grab at the material you need with failed attempts. “allow me to be of service~” 

he gestures for you to climb down and gets up the ladder himself, easily grasping the object in his fingers. once his feet has touched the ground, he lowers his hand to give it to you, but before your fingertips can make contact with it, he pulls it away from you. "ah ah ah~ shouldn’t i get some kind of a compensation for helping my dearest?” you stare at him in confusion before an idea plants itself in your head. ah. so that’s what he wants. with a roll of your eyes, you stride up the ladder till your eyes meet and kisses him on the lips. 

as you push your body away from him, he gives a closed-eye grin and nods in satisfaction. “that wasn’t too bad, now was it?” kaeya finally hands you the item, but he grips your free hand in his and guides it to press against his warm cheek. “you should realize by now what you’re capable of doing, stealing my heart like this. you’re so cruel [name], but perhaps that’s why i’ve grown to love you.” 

zhongli.

zhongli is an honest and good-natured man. he’ll immediately tell you that he doesn’t think to care about your height, so there’s no reason for you to worry about it either. he’s not an idiot though. he’s aware that your self-deprecating thoughts won’t disappear so easily with his consoling words alone. actions speak louder than words, after all. 

if anyone ends up insulting you for your size, zhongli won’t hesitate to politely stand up for you. although, if they stubbornly persist in demeaning you, it’ll push him to the brink of indignation, but he’ll still attempt to keep up a courteous manner for your sake as he calmly tells them to back off. like kaeya, he loves it when you wear his clothing! he’s lived for a long time to see many things, but witnessing you cuddling him while his jacket is draped snugly over your body has got to be the cutest thing he’s seen yet. 

ever the supportive individual, zhongli will help you come out of your shell and build up on your self-esteem. he’s there with you every step of the day, so if you ever slip and feel like you’re about to fall into an abyss of despair, he’ll take your out-stretched hands in his and guide you back into the light. 

“[name], is something the matter? you look as if you’re bothered by something.” zhongli questions innocently, studying your face carefully. your eyes droop slightly, but you reassure him that you were pondering how it would feel like if you were as tall as him. he nods in understanding and brings a hand up to his chin in thought. 

before you know it, he’s turned his back towards you and kneeled down. perplexed, you stare at him, unsure of what he’s doing. “you said you desired to know what it’s like to be around my height, so this is the only thing i can think of.” hesitantly, you place your hands on his shoulder blades to balance yourself and he makes sure to hold onto you tightly as he stands up slowly. you smile in appreciation at zhongli’s consideration over your feelings and presses your body closer to his. 

he beams back at you, sealing a kiss to your lips. “if you ever feel down, remember that there’s at least one person in the world that loves you - one of them being me, of course.” 

xingqiu.

he also reacts similar to kaeya, although his teasing is slightly toned down and less vocal. like, if you wanted to give him a kiss on the cheek, he might lean away from you and probably use a stool to make himself taller, but he’ll stop after a bit of fun and laughter. it’s not funny unless both of you are smiling, right?

he finds your short stature to be one of your charm points and will compliment you for that, calling you adorable and such. it’s kind of perfect for him because he likes being the big spoon, embracing you from behind and nuzzling his face against the back of your neck. if you’re around the same age as him, it’s alright! there’s still time for you to grow. he’s sure the both of you will be tall soon. there’s no judgement when you’re with him, so don’t be afraid of being yourself around xingqiu, alright? 

if he finds out your confidence is still lacking, he’ll scribble down a list of all the things he loves about you for you to read to lift your spirits up! although, that might prove to be a challenge considering his handwriting is infamously known for being illegible. 

“hmm... isn’t that the picture we took at liyue harbor together?” xingqiu observes the photo in your hand, reminiscing the fond memories. his honey irises flicker to you. “hey, what’s with the frown?” 

you shake your head and tries to change the subject, but he presses on to persuade you into explaining. when you finally do, he bursts into a fit of laughter, wiping away the tears pricking the edge of his eyes. “i apologize for my behavior, but [name], you shouldn’t have to concern yourself with such a trivial matter.” he tucks away a stray strand of your hair behind your ear, his index finger ghosting over your lips. 

“have i ever told you that you’re cute?” xingqiu murmurs, a sense of genuine compassion laced in his tone. “don’t stare at me like that, please. i’m quite serious, so there’s no need to compare yourself with me. no matter the height difference, i’ll always love you - if you’ll allow me too. 

tagging. @liliisacutieowo, @scarymoosh

#genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #xiao #xiao x reader #zhongli #zhongli x reader #kaeya #kaeya x reader #xingqiu x reader #xingqiu

[archived-kin]

local cashless god nearly loses you your job (but you’re okay with it)

note from kin: *throws this at you* please take it i’ ve been stuck on the blasted thing for hours (peepaw i promise i’ll write you something where you’re better characterised another day)

fandom: genshin impact

character(s): gn!reader, zhongli, xingqiu

pairing(s): zhongli/reader

warning(s): none! (though i do want to give a heads up for some out of character stuff since i started this when i still wasn’t too familiar with the liyue characters)

genre: fluff

“How many copies of Encyclopaedia of Liyue does one man need?”

You shush Xingqiu as the man just across the shop continues to browse at his leisure, golden eyes furrowed in concentration as he trails his gloved fingers across the books’ spines. “Maybe he’s here to buy something else this time! You never know.”

“He’s bought the exact same book seven times in a row now,” Your little brother insists, pulling his nose out of his novel for once to regard the tall figure drifting listlessly from one end of the shop to the other. “I doubt he’s going to break the cycle now.”

“He could be a collector,” You suggest, dropping your voice slightly when the man’s eyes flicker over to you briefly. “This shop’s older than us - maybe it has a bunch of different editions that he wants to get.”

“Well, wouldn’t it make sense for him to find all the different editions and then buy them all at once?” Xingqiu whispers in reply, tapping restlessly at the countertop with one hand. “Then he wouldn’t have to stop by every day and charm you into paying for him.”

You don’t have a reasonable argument for that, so you don’t reply. Xingqiu really is too smart for his own good sometimes.

The man - who you can see is now flicking curiously through a copy of The Founder of Diabolism - isn’t someone you know particularly well, but he’s visited the bookshop where you work enough times that you do know the essential facts: his name is Zhongli, he likes drinking tea, and he’s broke. In every sense of the word.

That last point is quite the source of exasperation on your part. No matter how many times you remind him as he leaves, he never fails to turn up with a completely empty Mora pouch the next time you see him. At first it hadn’t been so much of a problem - he’d just come in, browse the books, start a little small talk with you, then leave. But then he’d actually started wanting to buy the books, and buying usually involves money - something that Zhongli seems to forget exists.

If it had been any other ridiculously handsome guy, you might have sent them packing, but there’s something about the lost look on Zhongli’s face when you ask him for his payment and he realises that he has no way of giving you one that never fails to make you get out your own Mora pouch and suggest that you foot the bill for him instead. Zhongli always tries to refuse your offer, but, in kind, you always insist. You have no idea why he has such an affinity for that particular book, but the way he smiles at you as you as you drop your own coins into the payment pouch is more than enough to make up for the money you lose. It’s not like you actually need the funds, anyway, considering who your father is.

Today, however, Zhongli has neglected the shelf of encyclopaedias in favour of drifting over to the Xianxia section. You’re not sure what’s spurred this change in interest, but maybe it’s the little toy dragon you’ve set on top of the shelf? Zhongli seems rather enamoured by it - he keeps glancing up at it while he reads.

Speaking of the book that he’s skimmming through, it’s a rather odd choice on his behalf. You haven’t gotten the opportunity to read it yourself, busy as you usually are between your work shifts, adventurer’s guild commissions, and making sure your little brother doesn’t get himself into trouble by wandering directly into a gang of hilichurls in the middle of reading a book again. You’re pretty sure Xingqiu has read it at some point, though - to be honest, you wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already read every book in this shop several times over. (Part of you wonders if the only reason he’s so supportive of you venturing into the world and taking this job is because he gets to sit with you and read all the books he likes during your shifts.)

You don’t remember all the details he’d spewed off to you over the week or so he spent reading it, but you vaguely remember him crying into your sleeve about something to do with trees and lanterns and hugs. You’re also pretty sure that it got kind of… what’s the word? Risqué? Adult? Well, whatever word you use to describe it, it doesn’t really seem like the sort of thing that someone like Zhongli would read. Then again, you wouldn’t have ever expected your innocent gentleman of a little brother to read something like that, either.

“At least he seems to have good taste in fiction,” Xingqiu sighs as Zhongli continues to skim over the first few pages, looking rather intrigued. “I suppose that’s about as much as I can ask for…”

“He seems pretty invested,” You observe. “Reckon he’s going to buy it?”

Xingqiu shakes his head. “No. He’s going to come up here and realise he’s forgotten all his Mora again, and then you’re going to end up buying it for him again because you have a giant crush—”

You shove him in the shoulder so hard that he falls off his stool. “Oh, shut up.”

Xingqiu quickly catches himself on the side of the table and shoots you a glare, fumbling to retrieve the book that he’s accidentally dropped in the process. “Hey! This book doesn’t belong to us, you know.”

“It’s one book, A-Qiu,” You sigh as he turns away from you, clutching the book to his chest like it’s some precious child that you’re threatening to kidnap. “Mr Yao isn’t going to condemn you if it gets a little dusty.”

“Books should be treated with respect,” Xingqiu sniffs, turning up his nose at you like some nobleman - which he technically could be considered, now that you think about it. “You of all people should know that.”

“Just because I work at a bookshop doesn’t mean I think they’re Morax’s gift to man like you do,” You snort, noting in the corner of your eye that Zhongli’s eyes had flickered over to you briefly as you spoke. “Sure, books are neat, but they’re not holy.”

“‘Books are neat?’” Xingqiu repeats disbelievingly. “Of all the words to—”

“Excuse me.”

Both you and Xingqiu jump in startled surprise - neither of you had noticed Zhongli approach the front desk. You gather yourself quickly and smile at him as he quietly sets the book on top of the counter and pushes it towards you with a small nod.

“Will that be all?” You ask, reaching for one of the complimentary bamboo bookmarks that you’re obligated to give out with every purchase. You’re pretty sure that Zhongli has more than enough at this point, but you don’t want to risk getting into hot water with Mr Yao for not doing it.

Zhongli takes the bamboo bookmark with a small smile. “Yes, thank you.”

You nod and flick the book open to check the price label on the inside of the cover. “Alright, that’ll be… 5000 Mora, please.”

Xingqiu mutters something resignedly under his breath as Zhongli reaches into his pocket and fumbles about for a moment, clearly not particularly hopeful that the man has actually brought his money with him today. Your little brother, as usual, is perfectly correct in his intuition; after a second of slightly embarrassed silence, Zhongli pulls his hand out of his pocket with nothing in it.

“My apologies,” He sighs, bowing his head in shame. “I’ve forgotten my money pouch again.”

“I knew it,” Xingqiu whispers.

“A-Qiu, shut up,” You hiss back, then turn back to Zhongli, your smile back in place. “No worries, I’ll buy it for you.”

His brows pinch together slightly in the smallest of frowns. “No, no, you shouldn’t. You’ve already spent so much money on me…”

“It’s no big deal!” You assure him brightly, already reaching into your lapels to find your coin pouch. “You seemed to be really into it earlier, so it’d be a shame if you couldn’t keep it, right?”

Zhongli’s frown deepens. “Even so...”

“You could always pay back with something else,” Xingqiu chimes in, the exasperated look on his face replaced with a shit-eating grin that you know all too well. Before you can step in and shove him into the cabinet or something to shut him up, though, he continues, turning to you in a parody of innocence, “What do you say? Mr Zhongli clearly has some time on his hands…”

You narrow your eyes at him, not liking what he’s implying with that grin. “I’m still on shift, A-Qiu, I can’t just up and leave. Mr Yao would probably kill me.”

“You’ve been working shifts for two weeks straight,” He counters, crossing his arms stubbornly. “I can mind the shop for a long enough for you to take a walk. He won’t notice a thing.”

“You won’t ‘mind the shop’, you’ll just sit there and read,” You shake your head and tussle his hair with a flippant hand. “Don’t think I haven’t seen you eyeing up those antiques at the back.”

He looks affronted. “Are you accusing me of stealing intent?”

“I’m not accusing you of anything,” You explain patiently. “I’m just saying that your moral compass is very easily diverted when it comes to books.”

“If I may,” Zhongli begins, cutting off Xingqiu’s indignant spluttering. “I do not mind the idea.”

You turn to look at him in shock, only to see that his golden eyes are already fixed intently on you. He has the sort of gaze that makes you feel as if he’s seeing right through you, as if all of your faults and flaws and wishes and dreams are laid out bare for him to examine at his leisure - but Zhongli doesn’t look at you with any judgement. In fact, if you hope hard enough, you think that there might be some affection in his eyes.

“W-well, I—” You glance quickly back at Xingqiu, who pointedly refuses to help you, evidently offended by the moral compass comment. “I- I’d love to, honestly, but I need to finish my shift…”

“This young gentleman has already volunteered to take care of that for you,” Zhongli counters. There’s a strange intensity to the way he’s looking at you now - hope? Determination? “I know of a quiet spot just outside the harbour. If you would…?”

You glance at Xingqiu, who, despite still looking a little miffed, gives you a begrudging nod. After another moment of thought, you turn back to Zhongli, who gazes expectantly back at you.

“I’d love to go for a walk,” You say, standing up. “Lead the way.”

He smiles then, holding the door-curtain open for you to exit first. You pause briefly to wave a goodbye to Xingqiu, who pointedly sticks his nose in his book and pretends not to see it.

The two of you walk in silence for ten minutes or so, with him in the lead and you occasionally glancing behind you to make sure Xingqiu hasn’t already set the bookshop on fire or something. Zhongli walks rather more quickly than you’re used to, mostly because you usually walk with Xingqiu, who has refused to grow more than half an inch in the last three years and still has legs substantially shorter than yours. Zhongli seems to notice you lagging behind a little after a minute or so, slowing down his pace slightly so that the two of you can walk side by side properly.

“The breeze is pleasant this time of year,” Zhongli comments as the two of you cross the bridge to the mainland and begin to leave the harbour. “Particularly as the sun is going down.”

“I’ll have to get out to see the sunset more often, then,” You sigh. The amount of people milling about around you thins out the further the two of you walk from the harbour and along a grass-lined path, until the two of you are alone.

“I’d be happy to escort you,” He says, glancing quickly back at you, then snapping his head forward again. “...that is, if you’d like me to.”

You’re glad he isn’t looking at you, because you’re pretty sure that the look on your face is smitten to an absolutely ridiculous degree. It takes everything in you not to reach forward and grab Zhongli’s hand right then and there, but you restrain yourself just in time, knowing full well that initiating sudden physical contact with someone that you still don’t know all too well is incredibly rude.

“Of course I would,” You answer. “Just name a time and a place.”

He looks at you again, a gentle smile curving at his lips. “I’ll be sure to.”

The walk takes the two of you through a grove of trees dappled by the rich afternoon light. Zhongli speaks at length about the various different species that you pass; part of you is listening attentively, but the other part of you is far too distracted by the elegance of his quiet footsteps and the way the sunlight glows softly at the edges of his hair to register the information.

Leaves and branches crunch underfoot as Zhongli finally leads you out of the trees and out onto a quiet spot on the mountainside overlooking the harbour. He sits down on the ledge, legs dangling precariously over the edge, and you follow suit, quietly settling down beside him, leaving about two inches’ space between the two of you. Zhongli doesn’t say anything for a minute or so; he’s absorbed in watching the city below him, golden eyes darting back and forth as he watches the tiny figures of the people bustle about the streets.

You notice that he’s still holding the book you bought him earlier, keeping it set carefully in his lap with both hands placed firmly on top of it, as if he thinks it might slip out of his grasp and off the mountain if he isn’t careful.

“I’ve been meaning to ask,” You begin, catching his attention. He turns to look at you, and the sudden sight of his content expression, framed by the sprawling fields and trees in the distance behind him and the light casting his features into sharp relief, knocks all the air from your lungs for a moment. You very nearly choke on your words, but manage to gather yourself in time to ask, “Why the sudden change in interest?”

He cocks his head ever so lightly to the side in confusion, then realises what you’re referring. “Ah - the book? I just wanted a change of pace, really.”

You nod in understanding. “I see. A-Qiu’s read that one. He says it’s one of his favourites.”

“Is A-Qiu the young gentleman accompanying you in the bookshop?”

“Yup.” You sigh, leaning back and kicking your legs slightly, noticing with some fascination that you can faintly see yourself reflected on the water far beneath you. “Xingqiu. He’s my little brother.”

If you squint hard enough, you can see Zhongli’s reflection in the water as well. He’s shifting slightly - is he moving closer to you? You can’t quite tell from the reflection alone, and you’re not about to risk looking at him. Zhongli is a little like the sun in that respect: warming you indirectly with his presence, but damn near blinding (and incredibly flustering) to look directly at or make eye contact with. He’s almost ethereal-looking - as if he isn’t quite of this world.

“He seems a well-intentioned boy,” Zhongli comments quietly.

You respond with a light-hearted scoff. “I’m not too sure about that. He’s good at hiding it behind a book and all those airs and graces, but he’s always annoying me.”

“Is that not what younger siblings are for?” He counters, eyes twinkling slightly as you laugh in reply.

“I guess they are, huh?” You shake your head, a grin continuing to play on your lips as you finally turn to look back at him. Somehow the blinding beauty of before feels as if it’s mellowed out, become softer around the edges - like a surging river calming to a trickling stream.

The two of you sit in comfortable silence for a while. The late afternoon breeze picks up a little, and Zhongli’s hair dances about on the air, twisting and curling in swirls as if the very wind is playing with it. You’re so occupied by (subtly) staring at him that the small movement of him lifting a hand to adjust his tie makes you jolt slightly on the spot.

You can tell that he’s noticed as well, so you hurry to start a conversation before he can bring it up. “So… what’s the fascination with Yi Xichen?”

“...ah.” You might be imagining it, but you think you can see a faint flush forming over his cheeks. “The encyclopaedias?”

“What else?” You swing your legs back and forth restlessly, leaning forward and resting your cheek in your hand. “You must have at least fifteen copies by now. Are you collecting them or something?”

“Well, no...” He glances away from you, intertwining his fingers. “I suppose I’m not particularly good at ‘acting natural’, am I?”

You cock your head to the side. “What do you mean?”

Zhongli fiddles slightly with the seam of his glove, looking uncharacteristically bashful. “I have no need for encyclopaedias, but after the first few days, I found that I had fallen into the routine of selecting one every time I visited.”

“Why did you visit, then?” You ask.

He glances quickly at you, then back down at the water. He doesn’t answer at first, as if mulling over what to say, until finally, he replies, “...I suppose I just wanted to see you.”

It takes you a good moment to fully process what he’s just said to you. Once you do, though, your entire body implode. Well, it feels it does, anyway.

“I— you— me— huh?” is all you manage to get out at first, hands dancing around in front of you like two birds trying to escape from a net, as if they’re trying to physically pluck some words to say from the air. It’s a bad habit you’ve always had, throwing your hands about when you’re stressed; it drives you mad sometimes, but you can’t stop yourself.

Zhongli closes his eyes and bows his head, and there’s no mistaking it - his cheeks are definitely pinker than usual. “Is that alright?”

You nearly choke on air, but you force yourself to take a deep breath instead, fanning yourself briefly with one hand. Getting flustered heats you up surprisingly quickly. “Y-yeah! Of course it’s okay.”

“I’m glad.” He smiles a little bashfully, leaning forward and tilting his head slightly to look at you. “I don’t want to overwhelm you, but, if it’s alright… could I see you more often after today as well?

The sheer adrenaline rushing through you is so intense that you’re surprised that you haven’t busted a blood vessel yet. Actually, as far as you know, you might as well have - you’re far too focused on the man in front of you and his… confession? Is this a confession? You’ve read romance novels, sure, but is that how it works in real life as well? What are you supposed to do?

Your head is so filled with pure chaos that you just know that, if you speak, you’re going to say something completely inane and stupid. So, instead, you reach forward, and take his hand in your slightly shaky one.

He looks down at your intertwined fingers with mild surprise for a moment, then raises his gaze to you once more, eyes lighting up slightly. “...I’ll take that as a yes, then.”

You nod quietly, hesitantly shuffling closer to him. He squeezes your hand almost experimentally, then glances quickly back up at you as if trying to gauge your reaction. You offer him a smile; he returns it wholeheartedly.

You’re sure that you’ll have missed the rest of your shift by now, but you can’t seem to bring yourself to care. Zhongli doesn’t let go of your hand, and you in turn do not move away from him - if anything, you move closer, leaning slightly into his side. He doesn’t seem to notice, and if he does, he doesn’t object.

The sun is slowly beginning its descent, staining the sky a pale orange that reflects from the waters below you. It seems that the two of you will be seeing that sunset together a lot sooner than you had anticipated.

#unedited #genshin impact #genshin impact imagines #genshin impact x reader #genshin zhongli #genshin xingqiu #zhongli x reader #fluff #this whole scheduling thing seems to be working out pretty nicely

[allaganexarch]

@menzosarres​ apparently i desperately wanted to talk about this so akjsndkjasnd thg reread reactions under the cut

like—I started rewatching the movies bc I had a desire to revisit the franchise, but quickly realized what I actually wanted was the books I was just being lazy lol.  I never had any great love for the movies, but the first two are okay--I’ve never seen the last movie because I couldn’t get past the *katniss hysterically screaming peeta’s name for 45 uninterrupted minutes* section.  Generally there’s a lot of screaming and hysteria in the movies, where in the books there’s a huge emphasis for Katniss on not showing anyone how hurt/upset she is, and it makes the moments when she does break down much more impactful.

the writing style is very particular? which is interesting.  idk how to really describe it except to compare it to a few bad knockoffs I read (i’ve read SO many knockoffs if you like formulaic ya dystopia hit me UP) that tried to copy it but infinitely worse, because there are some odd word/phrasing choices that work fine in thg but the knockoffs completely botched.  You will def feel that you are reading a YA novel sometimes.

general story holds up really well so far, but I’m only halfway through the second one, and I remember a lot of mockingjay being unpleasant to read for multiple reasons. it still bothers me a lot how much the narrative puts peeta on a pedestal, often to the detriment of showing compassion to katniss; I think I’d like him better if anyone were allowed to dislike him or point out his flaws.  the movies made him a lot nicer which I think might be part of why there are so many rabid shippers in the tags now?  a few years back it felt like there was more of a mix of ppl who did and didn’t like peeta.

also on this point ig the author was like PEETA AND GALE ARE A METAPHOR and that setup is v clear to me already where I am now, where I think the obvious deterioration of their character arcs into pure metaphor didn’t hit me before until mockingjay.  From my perspective at least currently it’s weird that she’s trying to set up a metaphorical contrast between them as there’s no clear delineation between how violent/peaceful/willing to rebel Gale and Peeta are.  Oh and this is weird—in the movies Peeta says something like “if you die I won’t have anyone left that I love” and in the books he’s like “yo I have friends and family too that will be just as dead as yours if we fail [to convince ppl we’re in love]” which was an odd change to make I think lol.

A lot has been said about how that whole thing turns out and I’ll reserve judgement until I reread it but it’s just a shame that the author seems to abandon all this excellent showing of how these people process their grief and trauma in favour of the peeta metaphor, like idk how to tell you that katniss is never going to move on from what she’s experienced if she’s forced to raise children she didn’t want with the boy she didn’t choose in the bombed-out remains of her home where the only ppl she cared about are dead or gone, but yeah sure choosing peeta is choosing life and peace over war and violence.  I’m more of a Gale fan in terms of the love triangle bc Katniss actually shows real interest in and camaraderie with him that isn’t motivated by ptsd, but I think a much better epilogue would have been letting Katniss rebuild her life and have some real peace and security before she even thinks about romance, as she repeatedly states she needs in the books.

SO much of the best stuff is left out especially of the second movie I feel, esp with the other victors, and I had completely forgotten the detail that Haymitch won the year of the last quarter quell when there were twice the number of tributes.  I also think the part about them training like careers before the reaping is really important and idk why they left that out of the movie—it’s the reason their strategy is so different, eg. going for the cornucopia and basically becoming the dominant alliance when the game starts.

idk clearly I still have a lot of feelings about this series, and it’s a shame that when I went looking for some good meta posts all I found was pro-peeta/katniss drivel and sort of weird broad strokes designations about what this or that element of the book represented with no real nuance or evidence cited.  maybe a solid feminist analysis of thg is too much to hope for in this hell world, but I feel there’s a lot to say there, and I used to love reading breakdowns esp of the love triangle metaphor—I’m a simple idiot and love a good stupid love triangle you see LOL.

but overall I’m very much enjoying rereading it and would recommend!  it’s a pretty quick/easy read with cliffhanger chapter endings to keep you interested--if you do end up revisiting it would be VERY interested to hear your thoughts!

#personal

[esperantoauthor]

Follower Celebration Fic!

@blaineandersimp and @porcelain-nightbird requested a BadBoy!Kurt story so here you go! Thank you to all of my lovely followers, this is for you! I hope you enjoy it!

Title: Full Service Author: Esperanto Length: 2,700 words

Summary: When Blaine's car breaks down, he finds himself being rescued by a very snarky mechanic.

Read it below the cut or on Ao3

There was a strange thunk from below followed by the insistent hum of the tire pressure warning turning on. Blaine cursed and pulled his car off the road. He took a moment to stare out into the half-darkness of the late summer evening. He wished, futilely, that the tire would just… be okay. That he could close his eyes and when he opened them, the yellow light would turn off and he could drive the rest of the way home.

When he opened his eyes, nothing had changed. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and discovered that there was no service on this particular back road. This is what he got for avoiding the highway.

“Fuck,” he muttered, hitting the wheel with the palm of his hand in frustration.

He mashed his finger against the dashboard, turning on the hazard lights, and then killed the engine.

He was seriously regretting not letting his dad teach him how to change a tire.

He took a deep breath. He needed a plan.

Lights flashed in his peripheral vision and he looked over his shoulder to see that a car was pulling up behind him.

He was pretty sure he had seen an episode of Bones that started exactly like this. But this might be his only chance at getting help. He swallowed thickly.

Someone was getting out of the car. It was large and black. He watched in his rearview mirror as the dark figure approach his car. Blaine still flinched when they rapped on the glass of the driver side window.

Letting out a shaky breath, Blaine rolled down the window.

A pale-faced boy with cold, blue eyes stared back at him. He seemed to be appraising Blaine. Taking in his mandated blazer and tie, his carefully gelled down hair. The boy smirked slightly and then rested his elbows on the frame of the open window, bringing his face even closer to Blaine’s.

“You have a flat tire.”

“I’m aware.”

“Well, that’s something at least.”

“Did you just pull over to mock me?”

“No, but I can’t deny it’s becoming an increasingly appealing temptation.”

Blaine let out a small grunt of frustration.

“What, Daddy never taught you how to change a tire?”

Blaine’s jaw dropped at how close to home this stranger had just hit.

The boy seemed to realize he had struck a nerve. Tone a modicum less harsh, the boy added, “Well mine owns a tire shop. He just locked up but lucky for you, I have the key. Why don’t we get your spare on and then you can follow me back to the shop to get a new tire put on?”

“Or you can just put the spare on and I’ll drive back to Westerville before I miss curfew,” Blaine countered. He checked his watch. If the boy could get his tire changed in the next thirty minutes he would just barely make it back to the dorm in time.

“Westerville? Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not driving all the way to Westerville on a spare tire.”

Blaine scowled.

The boy rolled his eyes. “Whatever, it’s your life. If you want to roll the dice it’s no skin off my teeth. Just don’t expect me to come bail you out a second time. Come on, pop the trunk.”

Blaine pulled the lever to release the trunk and then followed the boy around to the back of his car. Now that he was out of the vehicle, he could take in more of his strange savior’s appearance. He was dressed in black from head to toe with metal studs pressed into the cuffs of his black denim jacket and the cartilage of his ears. He was also unexpectedly, upsettingly pretty.

The boy was pulling a large metal device out of his trunk that Blaine hadn’t even been aware was in there. Then, suddenly, he began dumping the contents of Blaine’s trunk out onto the dirt.

“Hey!” Blaine shouted in protest.

The boy paused his reign of destruction and gave Blaine a scathing look.

“You’re… you can’t just put my stuff on the ground!” Blaine knew that his voice was pitching embarrassingly high but he felt suddenly vulnerable with his fate in the hands of this stranger.

“I’m sorry I don’t have an ivory pedestal upon which to put his majesty’s things,” the boy drawled.

Yep, the boy had definitely sized him up and passed his judgement already. Blaine loved his uniform but it sure did lead to a lot of assumptions.

“I don’t think it’s unreasonable not to want my personal possessions on the ground. Just… if you give me a minute I will clear out the trunk and put them in the back seat.”

The boy took a step back, palms out in resignation. “Whatever, I thought you were in a hurry, man.”

Exasperated, Blaine quickly gathered his shoes and backpack off the dirt and carefully set them into the backseat of his car. As he began shifting the rest of his items, his curiosity got the better of him.

“Why do you need me to clear out the trunk anyways?”

“Where did you think your spare tire was exactly?” he spit back.

“I… I guess I never really thought about it.”

The boy muttered something indecipherable under his breath but Blaine would have bet good money that it wasn’t complimentary.

When the trunk was cleared out, the boy pulled some invisible handle and the entire bottom of the trunk lifted up, revealing a spare tire. The boy’s eyes sparkled with triumph.

“Time to jack!” he declared.

Blaine let out an undistinguished snort.

“The car, Pretty Boy, not your dick.”

Blaine turned very red and began coughing so violently that he had to step away from the car. He could hear the boy cackling with laughter, clearly very pleased with himself.

“Alright, stop being such a prude I need you to give me a hand for a minute.”

Blaine took a deep breath in a desperate attempt to compose himself.

He crouched down next to the boy, admiring the way that the car was now a good foot off of the ground, lifted up by the large metal contraption the boy had found in Blaine’s trunk. The boy was expertly undoing the large metal bolts that attached his wheel to the car.

“Hold out your hand,” he instructed.

Blaine did as instructed and after a few more turns, the first bolt came loose. The boy set it in Blaine’s hand. “Don’t you dare lose those,” he warned.

“I’m Blaine, by the way.” They were crouching inches apart. Blaine felt like he should at least know the boy’s name.

“Huh. I’m Kurt.”

“Thank you for helping me out, Kurt. You didn’t have to do any of this. You could have just driven past me. Really, I appreciate it. Thank you.”

Kurt tutted. “Whatever. I can’t just let idiots flounder. It’s my only personality flaw.”

“Well, I guess mine is that I never learned how to change a tire.”

“Yours is worse,” Kurt said scathingly but when Blaine looked up he saw that the boy was smiling.

“Hand,” Kurt prompted as he loosened the next screw.

The tips of his fingers were warm against the palm of Blaine’s hand. It sent a shiver down his spine.

—

By the time Blaine made it back to the tire shop, darkness had fully settled over the city of Lima and his curfew was dead in the water.

Kurt switched on the lights and they turned on one at a time, until the whole shop was lit up. It was a nice shop, Blaine had to admit. Everything was well organized and gleamingly clean. Kurt looked out of place with his torn jeans and his navy blue eyeliner.

“If you don’t want to get grease on your uniform you should either stand back or put on some of those, Prep School.” Kurt pointed to a row coveralls hung on hooks.

“I told you my name, Kurt. Why do you insist on calling me stuff like that?”

“Oh so you don’t go to prep school?”

“That doesn’t answer my question!” Blaine countered, frustration beginning to rise.

Kurt narrowed his eyes and then laughed. “You’ve got me there. I don’t realize you would be so touchy about it, Blaine.”

“I’m not I just… well, maybe I am. I’m more than just a rich prep schooler with no functional skills, okay?”

“Okay. Then what are you, pray tell?” Kurt asked with a mischievous grin.

There was a loud sound as the spare tire dropped to the floor. Kurt regarded it with satisfaction and then wiped a drop of sweat from his brow, leaving a smudge of grease in its wake.

He moved the spare tire aside and then looked at Blaine expectantly.

“I… I don’t know…” It came out hushed and pathetic.

“Oh, so you’re normal. Well, that’s a relief.”

When Blaine looked at him, Kurt was actually smiling.

“Not normal enough for my dad to teach me to change a tire apparently,” he muttered to himself.

Kurt must have heard him because his eyebrows furrowed together. “What do you mean, not normal enough?”

“Oh you mean you couldn’t figure that out from one look at me? Your system might be flawed there, Kurt.” Blaine couldn’t resist the opportunity to seize the upper hand back from Kurt in this conversation.

Kurt, it transpired, was unflappable. With a shrug, he simply agreed. “Might be. Maybe I’ll plug my brain into the diagnostics computer after I make sure your car doesn’t have any other problems. So why aren’t you normal, Blaine? Besides being a rich idiot.”

“Too gay to be normal.” It came out strained despite Blaine’s best attempts to sound breezy.

“Well, that makes two of us.”

Blaine felt his eyebrows raise.

Kurt smirked in response.

“Well, I guess my dad was wrong. Being gay has nothing to do with your ability to fix cars.”

“Clearly,” Kurt said with a grin. “We have the same brand of tire as what’s on your car. Do you want me to just match the tire or did you want something cheaper?”

Blaine pulled out his wallet and frowned as he paged through the bills. "I only have fifty bucks.”

“Yeah, well that’s not going to cover a Michelin tire, my friend.”

“Can I get you the rest this weekend?” he asked, biting his lip nervously.

“You promise you’ll come back?” Kurt asked, raising a single eyebrow.

“Yes! I promise.”

“Hmm… I would need your phone number so I can harass you if you don’t show.”

“I’ll show! I may not know what I am but I know I’m reliable. And we’ve already established that I’m a rich idiot so you know I can pay. Please,” he whined, giving Kurt the full force of his puppy dog eyes.

Kurt turned slightly pink and took a step backwards. “Well, those are probably in violation of the Geneva convention or something,” he muttered, gesturing vaguely towards Blaine’s face. “Yes, fine. You’ve convinced me. Now stop making that face, for the love of God.”

Blaine grinned in triumph.

Kurt disappeared into the back room to locate Blaine’s new tire. Blaine checked his watch and realized that if he didn’t call in soon his parents were going to get a message from the school saying that he hadn’t signed back in.

Kurt reemerged, expertly rolling a large tire over the concrete floor, humming to himself. Blaine pointed to his cell phone and then stepped over to the side of the garage to call his parents.

“Look, Dad, I don’t know what you wanted me to do!”

…

“Well I couldn’t call triple A because there wasn’t any cell service!”

Blaine began to pace.

“Well, I didn’t get murdered, actually. A very nice boy is almost done changing my tire.”

…

“No, he didn’t overcharge me. And you should really reconsider giving me an emergency credit card because I didn’t even have enough cash to cover it and if he hadn’t…”

…

“Look, I’m sorry I don’t know what else you want me to say. Are you going to call Dalton or not?”

…

“Okay. Well, thank you.”

Blaine hung up and then bitterly added, “For nothing.”

He looked up to see that Kurt was openly staring. Blaine let out a sigh and put his face into his hands.

“Um, are you okay?” A hand hesitantly rested on his shoulder. Blaine looked up to see that Kurt was standing next to him now.

Blaine rubbed his eyes and then nodded. “Fine.”

“So, your dad kind of sucks, huh?”

Blaine nodded again.

“Sorry about that,” Kurt said softly.

Blaine looked at him in surprise.

“What? I’m not a complete asshole. Just like… most of the time. Besides, I’ve heard gay guys love assholes so…”

A fit of laughter overtook Blaine. It was loud and uncontrolled. After a moment of stunned silence, Kurt joined in. They cackled and guffawed until they could barely hold themselves upright. Blaine laughed so hard he had to wipe tears from his cheeks, or maybe the tears were from something else, but the release felt good regardless. Blaine had to lean against the wall to stop himself from collapsing and Kurt had to lean against Blaine for the same reason. Kurt dipped, nearly falling over, but Blaine managed to wrap and arm around his waist fast enough to keep him upright.

“Woah, there!” he said, still cackling.

For some reason, that only made Kurt laugh even harder. He clutched at Blaine’s blazer and pressed his face into his chest to muffle the laughter. Blaine felt his whole body grow warm. He didn’t drop the arm that was around Kurt’s waist.

Kurt lifted his head and suddenly they were nose to nose.

Blaine realized neither of them was laughing any more.

He felt the warm breath from Kurt’s exhalations on his cheek. Kurt smelled like honey. Blaine reached up and wiped the smudge of grease from the side of his cheek. Kurt let out a barely perceptible gasp.

“If I kiss you will you still pay me for the tire?” Kurt whispered.

“Yes.”

“Do you want me to?” Kurt whispered again.

“Yes.”

The wall was pushing into his back and his hand was somehow on Kurt’s neck now and then hot, warm, wet. Blaine groaned into the kiss, pulling Kurt’s face closer, still not remembering how exactly he came to be pressed up against the wall but very glad that he was. He felt like his whole body was melting and if not for the insistent pressure of Kurt keeping him upright against the wall, he would be goo on the floor right now.

Kurt wrapped one of his legs around Blaine’s and holy fucking shit Blaine had to grab the back of his thigh to keep him from falling over. Once they were stabilized, Blaine felt himself sink back into the kiss, letting Kurt be in control. Letting himself be pressed into the wall by Kurt’s firm chest and insistent hands.

Kurt’s tongue brushed against his and he felt his knees actually start to go weak.

Then suddenly he could breathe again, ragged gasping breaths. Kurt didn’t sound any better.

The stared at each other in silence.

“Wow, the sign wasn’t kidding about full-service,” Blaine joked.

Kurt rolled his eyes. “Please, the rest of our customers wish they were so lucky.”

“Oh, so you mean you don’t make-out with all of your customers?”

“Considering that most of them are over the age of forty, consider us both relieved.”

Blaine let out a reluctant sigh. “I really do need to get home. My dad’s only going to get madder the later I make it back, and he’s already pretty furious.”

“Well, I’ll see you next weekend then.”

“Kurt, are you asking me out on a date?”

“What? No, I… you said you would be back to pay for the tire, so I just…”

“Too bad,” Blaine replied with a wicked smile. He scooped his keys up off the table, leaving Kurt utterly gobsmacked. He hopped into his car and started the engine.

Kurt rapped on the window of his car. Blaine cooperated and rolled down the window.

“You are very frustrating, has anyone ever told you that?”

“Sure, my parents tell me that every day.”

Kurt looked sad for a moment. Then his smile returned and he reached through the window to put his hand on top of Blaine’s on the wheel.

“You know, you can pay me back for the tire anywhere. It doesn’t have to be here.”

“Oh yeah? What did you have in mind?”

“Breadstix? 10am? They have all-you-can-eat pancakes.”

Blaine grinned.

“It’s a date.”

#full service #my fic #klaine fanfic #klaine fanfiction #300 followers #follower celebration #mechanic!Kurt #badboy!Kurt #fluff and humor #I will confess I only read this through once after I finished so hopefully there aren't too many typos #I'll probably throw this up on ao3 at some point

[knickynoo]

Do you have any thoughts on Marty and his self esteem issues? In most of the trilogy, I feel like Marty ranges from experience a lot of insecurity at best, to like a considerable amount of self loathing at worst, (like pls Marty, Doc getting struck by lighting was not your fault? You’re not Thor?) . And there’s the whole chicken thing, so I was curious if you had any thoughts on where it stems from, how it’s affected him etc etc? Okay lmao that’s it, have a great day !!

Hello! Do I have thoughts?? Yes. I do.

So, one of the things I like so much about Marty as a character is that...he's kind of an enigma of sorts? Like. Here's this kid who skateboards, rocks that denim jacket and the cool sunglasses, plays guitar, has a pretty girlfriend, etc. You take all of that, and it should reflect a really confident, popular person. I mean, with all the stereotypical "cool guy" attributes considered, Marty should have Ferris Bueller-level confidence and charm. He should be strutting around, smooth-talking everyone, laughing in the face of danger, and possessing unshakeable self-esteem. But he does/has none of those things because, as we all know, Marty is A Mess (affectionate). And yeah, a lot of it seems to stem from self-esteem issues, which we do see sprinkled throughout the trilogy. Where's it all coming from? Well, a lot of places, most likely...

• FAMILY: Probably the biggest factor. Though I'm sure George and Lorraine were sincerely in love for a while at the beginning of their relationship/marriage, I think it's fair to assume that any real spark between them had pretty much fizzled out by the time Marty came along or when he was a young kid. Take a loveless relationship between a meek, subservient man and a woman who drinks away her feelings, factor in a 17-year-old boy who's probably never had any real semblance of parental stability in his house, and it's highly likely that kid is going to have some issues. It's really difficult to believe in yourself & feel secure when the norm is having parents who are wrapped up in their own worlds/rarely interact with each other, seeing your father get emotionally (& physically!) pushed around by his supervisor, and watching your mom cling to alcohol and sink into depression.

• Plus, there are the separate relationships George and Lorraine have with Marty. Granted, we don't see much of it, but what we see at dinner is probably a good example of a typical interaction. George is quick to steer Marty away from any situation where he may face rejection or hardship. And yeah, he may think he's protecting his son, but this strategy is actually pretty harmful. I can imagine that any time Marty is feeling nervous or let down, and goes to his father seeking encouragement, he's only left with the impression that it's better not to take any risks at all because he might fail anyway. Instead of being built up, any potential self-worth is being chipped away at by George.

And as far as Lorraine is concerned, I get the impression that she's (more often than not) critical and judgemental of Marty. She's not shy about airing her strong dislike for Jennifer, during which Marty stays completely silent and unresponsive. Perhaps Marty's general default around his mom is silence, due to him having learned a long while back that he's better off keeping his mouth shut. I can see Lorraine lecturing Marty often, picking apart every little flaw she may see in him (friends, grades, attitude, etc.), especially when she's had too many drinks and especially when you consider that Marty is probably her most "difficult" child. Sad as it may sound, I can't picture Marty walking away from very many interactions with his mother feeling good about himself.

• GENERAL ANXIETY/NEURODIVERGENCY: Marty is an easily flustered, anxious guy. And whether that stems from his home environment or genetics (I mean, look at George), I don't know. But he definitely seems to be a sort of nervous, hesitant kid, particularly in the first movie. I also, like most of the fandom, headcanon Marty as having ADHD. And like...if that's the case for him, it certainly isn't helping at all with the self-esteem stuff. He's written off as a slacker at school, told he'll never amount to anything, and probably struggles a lot to keep up in his classes and survive in an environment that almost definitely doesn't offer any form of support or accommodations. That would be a big blow to his self-worth as well.

People with ADHD also tend to be very critical of themselves, worry about what others think of them, and have a hard time with rejection. Hence, the one rejection at the audition followed by, I'm just a big, stupid failure and I'll never ever be good enough. My world is crumbling, I should just give up everything forever =(((

(What do you mean those weren't his exact words??)

• BONUS: Marty might also face a decent amount of social isolation/teasing due to his friendship with Doc, which would take a toll on confidence too. Also, I just...don't think that Marty has many friends??

When you take all the above factors, Marty's self-esteem issues make a lot of sense and, if not for Doc, would probably run a lot deeper than what we see in the trilogy. ALSO!

• Marty blaming himself for Doc getting hit by lightning in the DeLorean: I've seen a few people comment on this and how they think it's ridiculous that Marty felt guilty but...it's always made a lot of sense to me, actually. No, Marty didn't cause the lightning, but he did set off the chain of events that led to Doc being there at that moment. If he'd had the inner strength/self-control to walk away from Biff outside of the dance, he could have just joined Doc on the roof with the almanac and they'd have been on their merry way. And even if Biff had continued to challenge him, or even followed him, Marty likely could have created a diversion or gotten an adult at the dance to help and still made it up to the roof before the worst of the storm hit. But because he couldn't stand being called a chicken, he ended up taking a door to the face, had the book stolen back, and had to go on that little side adventure to retrieve it, which led to Doc needing to save him. So yeah, I'm actually team Marty on this one. His choice did lead to Doc being catapulted into the Old West, lol. I'd have been consumed with guilt too.

• The Chicken Thing: I'm not going to go into too much detail (HA!) because this is already ridiculously long, but I will say that I don't go by the more popular headcanon that says Marty's sudden inability to handle being challenged is due to the updated timeline taking effect and "altering" him. Essentially, that Marty growing up with a confident, successful father made him have higher expectations put on him, and so he was always striving to prove he could live up to them.

I actually don't think any ripples from the new timeline catch up to Marty yet during the course of the trilogy. (I tend to headcanon that as happening gradually in the coming weeks and months after he gets home). Instead, I think that Marty's inclination towards becoming feral at the words "chicken", "yellow", etc. is because of his life in his original timeline. Growing up with a jellyfish for a father, it makes sense that Marty would want to distance himself as much as possible from being associated with weakness. He'd want to prove himself that much more because everyone around him would probably think he's just like his cowardly old man.

And though I know it's not really possible (because they weren't planning on a 2nd or 3rd movie), I think a case can be made that there's a glimpse of the "chicken thing" in the first movie, in the scene of Marty and Lorraine in the car at the dance. I mean, he gets all upset and tells her not to drink, but then she calls him a square, uses the classic peer-pressure tactic of, everyone's doing it, and he caves instantly and takes a swig. Could be because he doesn't want to be thought of as a square, or could be because he's desperate to calm his nerves a bit. Either way, Marty doesn't seem to fare too well when challenged or put under pressure, so I lump this scene in as a "chicken" moment.

I...need to stop. I set out to write a quick response to this. Like, a paragraph or two. But this question activated Hyperfocus Mode, and I blinked and now it's 2 hours after I started and I have AN ESSAY.

Thanks for the ask! *goes to lie down*

#back to the future #bttf #marty mcfly #asks #nikki rambles #nikki be quiet challenge #🤐 #though...at this point you all know what you're getting into when you ask my thoughts or analysis #so I suppose you want responses like this?? #idk i'm always a little worried i'm going on too much and am annoying everybody #so i hid it under a cut so you can scroll past if you want lol

[pink-bird-30]

Missing Moment

Okay, I've been sorta fed up with Titans not giving us these in between scenes where Kori and Dick interact and they find out things about each other.  So I decided to write a missing moment that would have happened in 3x06.

(I don't think this story has spoilers, but I guess read at your own risk if you haven't seen 3x06)

You can find the full story here at my FF.Net

As always, happy reading!

---------------

It’d been a rough couple of days. Between Hank blowing up and Dawn leaving for Paris….things were not the same. Kori often finds herself in the kitchen cleaning whatever nonexistent dishes were in the sink, taking the time to focus on something she can control.

Kom was here, that was a new development. And Dick was not happy about that.

Kori scoffs as she tosses the soaked sponge back into the sink and grabs the blue dish rag on the counter, drying her hands. Deep in her thoughts, she missed the lithe steps coming from down the hall.

“Hey.” She jumps slightly, caught off guard at Dick’s sudden presence. She looks up at the black clock on the wall.

1AM.

She tosses the rag on the counter and brushes past him to the living area, not wanting to hear what he had to say to her about Kom. She has to deal with her shit and he has his to deal with, and by the looks of the time, she figures he may have “figured out” his issues with Barbara given the late hour, but she won’t let her mind drift there.

He sighs, “Kori-“

She turns, giving him a sharp look. Her green eyes slightly flash bright, “What? More judgements, Grayson?”

His thick brows furrow in confusion before relaxing in understanding, “Look, I was being-“

“A dick.” She cuts him off, a smile gracing her lips.

Dick rolls his eyes at the comment, nearly hearing it more than he’d care to admit. But he couldn’t help the laugh that leaves his chest.

How does she do that?

“Sure, whatever. I was rude and didn’t respect you when you told me something was going on and I’m sorry.”

Kori’s eye widen, “Wow, Dick Grayson is apologizing.”

He bashfully grins. “It’s known to happen on occasion.”

Kori arches her brow at him and shakes her head, causing her curls to flutter at her shoulders. She doesn’t miss how Dick looks at her, but she pushes that light feeling down.

Not yet.

He walks over to the fridge and pulls out two beers, “Here.” He slides one across the counter, she catches it gracefully and pops the cap with her thumb as she watches Dick reach for the bottle opener on the fridge.

They take their drinks to the living area and settle on the sofa. They didn’t speak for a few moments, just savoring the few silent beats near the raging fire. Kori noticed Gotham was a very cold place. Hardly any sun during the day and the night a deep shadow of darkness. No wonder no one goes out at night.

“When I first came to Wayne Manor, I tried every way I could to leave.” Dick started. His beer rolling between his hands, peeling at the red label. Kori noticed this as a nervous tick of Dick’s, always fiddling with his batons or scratching the back of his neck. Whatever he was going to say, it was in confidence to her.

“Being back her has been…” he takes a swing of his drink. “It’s been tough. I feel myself reverting back to who I was before I left. Back to the guy who goes off on his own and acts like-like”

“Like Batman.”

He looks over at her and nods, “Yeah.”

“You know you’re not him, right?”

“Hm.” He doesn’t seem to believe her.

Kori leans forward, her thigh brushing against his lightly, “Listen to me. You are not him. Okay? You’re Dick Grayson, leader of the Titans. Sure, you have your flaws-”

“Hey!” his face brightens up at the jab.

“But you’re you. No one can take that.” She sips at her beer and settles back against the couch. “Besides, I think you’d look ridiculous in the Bat-suit.”

Dick lets out a hearty laugh making Kori smile.

He should laugh more.

He stares at her for a moment, his dark eyes gazing at her. She knows that look, it takes her back to the last time they were alone like this.

But now isn’t the time.

She clears her throat, breaking his gaze to stare into the fire lighting the room.

“I’m sorry about your parents, Kor.” She wasn’t expecting him to bring it up, hell she hoped she could chug the rest of her beer before having to continue this conversation.

She shrugs her shoulders, “I don’t really know how I feel about it right now.” It was her turn to distract herself from the inevitable. She lets her long fingers tangle in her curls, wrapping and unwrapping them from her fingers. She hadn’t seen her parents for a few years now. And even if she had, she doesn’t remember. Her memories have come back randomly, but not completely. If anything, it makes her feel even worse. Not remembering the last time she saw them.

She first feels the couch dip next to her and then Dick’s warm, callous hand wrap around hers, pulling it free from her hair. He rests their clasped hands on his leg, his thumb running slowing over her knuckles.

“Hey,” he tilts his head slightly, giving her that typical soft Dick Grayson look. The same look he gave her when they decided to figure themselves out first before seeing what this could be. It breaks a small part of her, not meaning to, but a small tear falls down her cheek. Dick, being who he is, wipes it away without thought.

Kori takes a deep breath and close her eyes, letting herself feel comforted. Usually she’d just suck it up and be a tough bitch. But after a while…it builds up.

She lets her head rest on his shoulder, taking whatever comfort he’s offering.

“Dick?”

“Yeah?”

“Who were you before this, before Wayne Manor?” she feels his hand tighten in hers. She can feel him contemplating what to say. She didn’t expect him to tell her everything, but she would like to know him better.

“It’s-it’s complicated.” He sighs, the rush of air moving through him.

“Then uncomplicate it.”

He shakes his head grinning slightly, “You’re a pushy person, you know that?”

“Stop stalling, Grayson.” She looks up at him seeing his eyes brighten looking down at her and then looks towards the fire place. But then his eyes became clouded, like he was preparing for something horrible to happen.

“When I was a kid, my parents and I were part of the circus. Hayley’s Circus. We’d travel from city to city preforming all over…” his eyes glazed slightly, watching the fire intently. Kori lets her free hand settle on his heart, letting him know she’s there.

It was enough to help him keep going, “We were called ‘The Flying Graysons’. Our act was the main attraction because we wouldn’t use a safety net…” Dick takes another sip of his nearly empty beer and sets it on the side table.

“Our first night here, in Gotham, a mob boss named Tony Zucco threated Mr. Haly to hire protection while the circus was in town, but refused. Later on during our act…” Dick stops, needing a moment before continuing. “Zucco hired someone to tamper with the trapeze ropes, so when it came to my parents swinging towards me, they fell.”

“Oh, Dick…” Kori’s heart never felt so broken. She could feel Dick tighten his hand around hers, holding on to whatever life line he had here in the present, while working through his troubled past. She could feel his heartbeat fast under her hand. His face was impassive, solely focused on the light of the fire, but his body was reacting for him.

He seemed to come back to himself after a moment, closing his eyes and opening them again to peer down at her. “I was angry for a while after, but then Bruce showed me how to transform that anger into something else. But it took me a few years to realize he turned me into a weapon.”

Kori nods in understanding, not trusting her voice to say much.

“But after I left Gotham, went to Detroit to start over. I hadn’t changed much. I was still doing the same shit just in a different city. But when Rachel came along things changed. I felt myself change. I think I actually had hope things might get better again.

“And they were. Well, besides all the Trigon bullshit and Slade. I think things have been good.”

“Until you came back to Gotham.” Kori added. Dick nods in agreement.

“Yeah, before I came back here and fell back into old habits.”

“You mean going off on your own, finding old friends to fight with and getting shot at? Yeah, sounds about right.” She grins at him, lightening the mood.

“Yeah, that’s me.” His face changed again. Kori is surprised that someone that is well trained to be impassive, he shows all his emotions through his eyes.

“And you?” he asks. Kori looks at him questioningly. “What’s going on with you and Kom?”

Kori scoffs, “Trust me you do not want to know that mess.”

“Try me.”

She contemplates it for a moment, trying to figure out where to start.

“Well…um…” she huffs in frustration. “Listen, the relationship between me and Kom has always been strained. She always had issues following the rules and listening to our parents. It often led her to getting in trouble all the time. She’s my older sister and she always had to rebel.

“As for me, I followed the rules. I did what was expected of me and since I’m-“ Kori stops, realizing she was about to tell Dick she’s a princess, technically a “queen” of Tamaran. But she keeps it to herself.

“I’m just not sure her true intentions here, but I also couldn’t leave her down there with the scientists for the rest of her life. It wasn’t right.”

Dick nods in understanding, “What do you think she’s up to?”

“I have no idea, but I hope she’s changed.” Kori knew it was foolish to believe that, but part of her wants her sister to be better, to do better.

“For the team’s sake, I hope so too. We can’t have a possible threat living with us.” Kori rolls her eyes and untangles herself from Dick’s side, letting go of his hand in the process. She can already feel the cold feeling of loneliness creeping in already, but she shakes it off.

“I should head to bed.”

Dick runs his hand through his hair and stands up, “Shit—Kori, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-“

“Yes, you did. And you’re right. We have to be careful.”

She turns to leave the room, but not before glancing back one last time. “Thank you for telling me about your past.”

Dick grins in return, watching as Kori ascends up the stairs to her room.

Part of him wants to follow her, missing the warmth he knows she can provide. A warmth the deepest parts of himself remembers all too well. But he shakes himself from the thought and tips back his beer for one last sip before heading to bed.

#DC titans #fanfiction #dickkory #brenton thwaites #mame anna diop #dick grayson #koriand'r #somewhat spoilers? #starfire #nightwing

[i-am-the-pancake]

c!awesamdude corruption arc

i learned a thing in my psychology class and i shall now apply it to blockmen roleplay. analysis of c!sam’s torture arc:

(i posted this essay yesterday but i wasn’t sure if i did it right (i am still new to tumblr) so i deleted the original post and copied the essay into this post.)

tw torture mention

in 1971, a study was conducted in which participants (a bunch of college students) were placed in a fake jail and randomly assigned roles of either “guard” or “prisoner” (source) in order to investigate the effects of perceived authority and social expectations on behavior. almost immediately after the stanford prison experiment began, the “guards” began abusing the “prisoners” despite having received no explicit instructions to do so (source). although the study was intended to continue for two weeks, it had to be terminated after only 6 days for ethical reasons due to the behavior of the “guards” (source).

the findings of this study revealed that people are very susceptible to perceived social expectations. one of the researchers participated in the study as a "warden”, and although he did not tell the other “guards” what to do, he did not reprimand them for striking “prisoners” when fights broke out between them. this was interpreted by the “guards” as implicit permission, possibly encouragement to mistreat “prisoners” (source), which they later acted on by furthering mistreatment.

to clear up a common misconception about this study, the interpretation that people are apt to abuse power was incorrect, and later research showed that the “guards” did not mistreat the “prisoners” because they were innately tyrannical, but because they were trying to fit what they thought was the behavioral expectation. the participants thought that the researchers/ wardens wanted them to act in a certain way, so they tried to meet that expectation even to the point of abusing fellow participants.

(i have seen a few other articles pointing out flaws in zimbardo’s experimental design and data analysis, but this particular finding is corroborated by milgram’s obedience study, which found that people will go against their own morals and judgements to obey a perceived authority (source).)

so how does this apply to c!awesamdude’s recent behavior?

the abusive “guards” of the stanford study only had perceived power, a roleplay part assigned by coin flip. c!sam, on the other hand, has been given unchecked control over what c!dream eats, when he eats, and whether or not he gets visits, among many other things in an environment that is very clearly designed to contain and punish prisoners. this creates an implicit order for c!sam to contain and punish c!dream by any means. c!tommy, upon seeing c!sam after being revived by dream, reinforced this order to ensure that c!dream doesn’t escape, and c!quackity, by convincing (or manipulating) c!sam to allow torture, implicitly told him that torture is an acceptable (possibly necessary) tool to fulfill that order.

and in accordance with milgram’s findings, it makes complete sense for sam to go against his own morals to obey that order. in milgram’s study, a researcher told participants to press a button that would deliver an electric shock to another person (no one was actually shocked, but the participants didn’t know that). even though participants heard (fake) screams whenever they pressed the button, they continued to press it at the researcher’s request despite being allowed to opt out of the study at any time, because the researcher was insistent on the importance of their experiment (source, source). just like a milgram participant, c!sam continues to go against his own moral beliefs to do whatever he thinks is necessary to punish c!dream and ensure his containment, the importance of which was repeatedly stressed by several members of the server.

in this scenario, the server takes the role of the authority, issuing the order by sentencing c!dream to prison. i don’t watch many of sam’s streams, but from what i understand, he's a bit of a doormat, so it makes sense that he would accept that so easily. even if he weren’t, it would be difficult to refuse, given that a majority of the server showed support of keeping dream in prison with him as warden.

c!quackity then sets the standard (or lack thereof) for acceptable means of fulfilling that role and executing server’s collective order. c!sam was not in a good place (mental-health-wise) when c!quackity convinced him to allow this, which might explain why he allowed it so easily. from c!sam’s perspective, c!quackity thinks it’s okay, and c!dream’s prison conditions are already on the verge of torture but no one’s challenged them yet, so the server must be alright with it. like in the stanford study, this is taken as permission to continue and even intensify c!dream’s maltreatment.

in ponk’s recent stream, c!sam is still obeying that perceived authority and following that order, but the standards for acceptable means of doing so have changed to include torture. in c!sam’s eyes, c!ponk poses a threat to the prison’s security because he might be planning to free c!dream, so the threat has to be terminated. c!ponk has to be sufficiently taught not to mess with the prison, or rendered incapable of doing so, and c!sam is allowed to use any means necessary to do so.

i really don’t want to say that c!sam’s having a villain arc because he seems like a really nice character when he’s not being the warden (and because i don’t  believe in villains), but he’s definitely corrupted. it may not be his own fault, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is.

#i am not a psychologist #feel free to correct me if i misunderstood any of the studies referenced in this essay #awesamdude #drops by ponk #quackity #dreamwastaken #roleplay #dream smp #dsmp #mcyt #prison arc #character analysis #tw torture mention

[salamoonder]

alright so i was talking about this the other day in the groupchat and i cannot get over how good for each other caleb and beau are?? like there’s something...i don’t know there is something absolutely next level about empire siblings. like. okay. (under a cut bc this got so FUCKING long, what the fuck. also i talk about essek for a bit and how i think he will change their relationship.)

i’ve said it a million times but i think beau had the best possible reaction to caleb’s backstory reveal. she didn’t discount it; she didn’t treat it like nothing. she basically went “that’s fucked up, man, but you can and will do better” which i think is exactly what he needed to hear. caleb has this tendency to wallow in guilt and when you wallow in guilt it’s very easy to fall into a trap of inaction or only wanting to focus on things that will make that guilt quiet down (i.e., working on the very dangerous and perhaps impossible task of going back in time to save his parents. it’s kind of like people who are intent on doing relief work in far off countries where “real” poverty exists but who don’t wanna help the homeless people living in their own city.) beau pushes him to take his focus off the guilt quieting plans and put his focus on things that will actually be doing good for the sake of doing good. i think that’s sometimes a very difficult distinction to make and tbh beau has a very good grasp on it.

i also think this plays into part of the reason caleb still hasn’t told jester (or cad?) like okay number one, he’s scared. number two, i literally don’t think he can handle the easy forgiveness he would get from them (especially jester) and i think it would send him into a spiral of “no you don’t get it i did a bad bad thing i’m a terrible person” that might be hard to pull out of. and beau is extremely critical in general. she sees a thing she doesn’t like, you don’t have to wonder about it. “well that’s fucked up” are going to be the first words out of her mouth. caleb doesn’t have to worry about her misunderstanding the heaviness of what he’s done the way i suspect he does with the others. beau is never going to diminish how bad he feels about doing a thing; all she’s going to do is say “okay, and what are you gonna do about it?” which is THE BEST. THING. action is the best thing for depressed people oh my god. anyway.

honestly like. ok my favorite thing about beau is that despite the social awkwardness/prickliness she is genuinely *really good at people*. she understands people. i literally still cannot get over how good she is at handling caleb’s panic attacks. i think a lot of people’s first instinct w handling panic attacks is to smother, or, worse, to get just as worked up as the person panicking trying to calm them down. beau is very detached, calm, and levelheaded. she provides physical comfort/stimulus, water, and someone to talk to, and she waits. ( @thedarklordsnicklefritz pointed out recently that she’d be a very good nurse.)

now, caleb to beau: he so clearly, so obviously values her opinions and what she has to say. for all that he is “the smart one”--for all that the wheels in his head are constantly turning and for all that he has a plan for everything--he sits quietly and listens to her whenever she has something to say. he asks her about herself. he wants to know her plans and her goals. not only does he treat her like an adult with agency and ambition and ideas worth hearing, he treats her as a colleage. as a fellow scholar. and i think that beau was sorely lacking that kind of respect, especially under zeenoth. i think it’s something that she craves. even when they are at each other’s throats, he doesn’t interrupt her arguments. he listens till she’s done, and then he speaks. even if he’s growling at her through clenched teeth. he still gives her that respect.

another thing about caleb is that he mirrors the kind of love that beau shows him right back at her. leaving molly’s grave? the shit in kamordah? hand on her shoulder. here is frumpkin. here is frumpkin again. and again. and again--here is some quiet show of support, some small comfort. nothing to embarrass her or cause undue awkwardness. just, there, always. they are each other’s constants and i will literally never be over this oh my god--

okay another thing is, and this is going to be a bit touchy and i might word wrong so please be patient with me and ask questions if you have them, there is something to be said about the friendship of two people who are fundamentally romantically and sexually incompatible. like there’s a reason why “gay best friend” is a trope and there is some not great stuff surrounding it. but i also think that there is a kind of value in a friendship where you never have to worry about romantic or sexual shit coming up. there’s a certain security there, a kind of...safety. there is a safety in "i have no interest in your sex life." there is a safety in beau being a lesbian. both of them have some real baggage/struggles surrounding relationships, and this is not to say that they will never have a meaningful or secure or safe romantic/sexual relationship again. it’s just that there are unique problems that both of those will bring to them--unique problems that i think may bring them each a unique beauty and growth in working through--but nevertheless, unique problems that neither of them have to worry about with each other. their friendship is safe from that.

alright, now onto essek: i am really worried/intrigued for what he will mean for their friendship when they get back to xhorhas and have to deal with him. i think they both see him very differently, and i can’t see them getting through...*waves hand* “punishment” and whatever that means, without another blowup fight and serious hurt feelings.

i think caleb quite clearly sees himself in essek; i don’t think i need to lay that comparison out for anyone, honestly the whole 97 speech sums it up pretty well. what i would like to say is i think caleb has found hope in essek, for essek, in a way that i don’t quite think he’s managed to do for himself yet. like he’s gotten a lot better, but i think a symptom of getting better is that you see your flaws more clearly, and i think that’s very much happening to him right now. i think he sees himself as the same (or possibly even worse), regardless of how far he’s come. (see “i am ruined” to fjord.) i think essek is a mirror for him in which he sees himself more clearly without even realizing that that’s what he’s doing. he sees a selfish person who has done selfish things and hurt people in the process. and he also sees someone with a conscience and empathy who is extremely capable of doing real good. he sees someone with potential. someone with kindness in his soul. someone who could take his guilt and turn it into action, maybe to soothe some of that guilt the way caleb started, and maybe to eventually leave that behind, and do good for the sake of doing good. he sees someone in pain who is in need of support and a friend like beau to nudge him in the right direction.

and beau sees someone who has done selfish things for selfish reasons and does not show nearly enough remorse for it. she sees someone who has caused death and pain out of carelessness and pride and misplaced judgement. she sees someone who values his own gains over the lives of others and justifies that to make himself feel better, and i think that’s exactly the kind of authority figure that beau hates most. she sees someone who better fucking prove that this remorse is real or so help me god i’ll show you what remorse is.

and i think caleb (unfortunately like so much of this fandom with various characters) has latched onto essek as this mirror of himself, and i think at this point any judgement that beau passes on essek will reflect unfortunately on caleb. and the worst part is, beau isn’t going to see that. she wasn’t there for the razor speech. i think to her it’s obvious what she thinks of caleb: he’s a person who’s done some fucked up shit, sure, but he is someone who cares deeply about getting better and has proven himself to be a kind, unwavering person over and over again. he’s more than alright in her book. whereas essek hasn’t really done anything to win him anywhere near the same kind of rapport with her. clearly, in her mind, they are different. why should they be otherwise?

but caleb is going to hear any criticism and, i think, just apply it straight on to himself. i think he thinks that he and essek are so similar that any cut towards essek is a cut towards him. i think he is going to be deeply hurt, i think it’s going to feel like a betrayal--like a revocation of the trust that beau has in him--and i think beau is going to have no idea.

#beauregard lionett #caleb widogast #essek thelyss #the mighty nein #critical role #meta #thane watches critical role #look normally i dont give a flying fuck how many notes anything gets #but i will cry if this flops i put way too much work into it i need to go lie down