Tumgik
#okok so a backstory on this is that she actually said this .
midnxght-sweet-time · 2 years
Note
omg okok i totally agree with you and i think that the whole sagau thing has turned into isekai, yandere and cult au smashed together under the title of “sagau” which doesn’t really make much sense because the title “Self Aware Genshin AU” doesn’t say anything about isekai, cults or even stuff about a creator, it’s literally just genshin characters being self aware that they’re in a game.
and i have no problem with people writing that of course, just maybe don’t label it sagau..?
AND ALSO!!! what you said about the whole cast turning completely stupid and mindless besides aiming to kill the impostor (albedo and impostor albedo excluded because they’re special or something) is so true!!! like honestly, i understand (sort of) that it’s a nice setup for the revenge part or whatever.. but don’t you think at least the archons would think twice or even recognize the reader as the creator? or, if it’s in the au where the reader is an actual impostor, don’t you think they’d just imprison you or something? i really don’t think they’d be that cruel. unless, of course, this is the hardcore cult au, then they might.
and honestly if they thought the reader was an imposter and really were trying to kill them there probably wouldn’t be that much of a commotion over some rando stealing their “creator”’s face. they’d probably just kill them and be done with it, because the reader really isn’t very important at that point. at least in my opinion, anyways.
I find that hardcore cult or not, if your telling me someone like Jean, the most responsible there is that even knowing one of the four winds, Dvalin is tryna destroy Mondstadt and she tries to find a pacifist solution to it before resorting to violence with a heavy heart—would resort to killing the imposter on sight just cuz they impersonate their creator is just such a farcry of wtfs.
And the isekai'd mashed with sagau. Yea its out of place but in a way it makes sense cuz ppl still aknowledge yes theyre in a game and with the creator isekai'd in they know that yea this is their creator for the most part. I feel like the isekai'd part is more of an additional detail in considering its more impactful/fun to be in the game then being out of the game and talking to the characs thru the screen.
But the yandere n cult thing has developed into a mindless worshipping state. I can see a yandere forming but not in the way of 'oh we gotta protect the creator and make everyone bow down to them' especially litterally meeting them just one min ago. I especially hate yanderes that somehow caught feelings on first sight cuz it just doesnt make much sense and the buildup aint fun cuz there is no build up-
And abt the albedo knowing ur the creator. Yes his a homunculus but put it this way; an artificial being thats made to be human, ik his not exactly human but still close to what a human is, can recognize this is the creator but not the litteral GODS or any other non human species like hell YAE or XIAO, two non humans with some supernatural background you would expect to see through a person does not recognize the creator? This is just as bs as the selective infliction of curses of Tatarigami.
That and the whole worshipping thing is like a whole nerf in a character. Like someone as cold as Xiao is fangirling cuz you main him? Isnt Xiao the type of person who would get ptsd knowing you in a way, used him? Just like in his backstory of being used by another evil god.
76 notes · View notes
bluexiao · 2 years
Note
okok!! alastor is one of my favs from my ocs hehe
basically alastor is a famous violinist from fontaine
he goes to many cities and places to perform and he's obviously well known
since there's a lot about him i will separate sections so its easier for u to read :)
u don't have to read all of it
--
basic info :
gender : male (he/him)
age : 20
bday : february 2nd
sexuality : idk pan
--
backstory :
he grew up poor with his mother who was a music teacher
they couldn't afford a home so they lived in an abandoned mansion by a forest
however alastor is very smart and has perfect pitch >:)
while his mother tried her best to make money, alastor had to take care of the home and had to buy things like food and clothes
sometimes he had to pick food from the forest trees (was very dangerous since at the time he had no vision)
his mother taught him violin, however when she died alastor was not that great (he didn't really like violin, he only did it because it made his mother happy)
he wanted to continue to learn violin (to make his mom proud) and took multiple jobs, and when he got fired he always said it was because he was late or untidy, but actually he always got fired for playing pranks on his bosses which was a way to threaten them for a raise (it never worked)
one time he heard a musician playing on the streets, and somehow alastor started to learn violin from him just by listening him tune and play (from perfect pitch or whatever)
after a few years he started to play violin on the streets until he got noticed and wow now he plays at fancy concerts
he still dislikes violin
wishes his mom knew piano instead but it's all good
but anyways
since he came from a poor background a lot of people disliked him
his hate for violin was not that open but it was still visible
so ppl said "whys that dumbass playing violin if he plays it?? what is a smart boy like him doing just playing some tiny violin?? this is why he gets no girlfriend smh"
alastor wished he had a cryo vision to just freeze their tongues off
and boom
he got a vision or whatever i'm sorry i really don't know
yeah i'll update this later
i actually had an idea but i didn't write it down. and. when i remember i will remind I'M SORRY
--
personality :
he doesn't really understand his own feelings
(if u know project sekai then u can say he's sort of a mix of ena and toya but moving on)
he has a bad temper but is good at hiding it (really wants to freeze their face off tho)
thinks he's the worst so he acts like the best
likes to read a lot, prefers to be alone
also has a journal and his messy ass handwriting
he pretends that he knows what he's doing but he's just a socially awkward desperate threatening tall string bean with black hair
emo
plays a lot of pranks and jokes around a lot (no one laughs. they all get mad.)
everyone love-hates him
--
looks :
pretty tall. 5'9-5'10
black medium length hair (like a black version of tomo's and kazuha's hair)
usually it's in a messy ponytail but for concerts he makes it into a braid
he wants to dye it one day but he's always told it'll look untidy and he'll always have to take care of it
i don't have good fashion sense so just imagine a mix of kaeyas clothes and diluc's bartender clothes
he has black gloves and on his right hand he has his vision on it
like it's another thick glove on top that has the vision embedded in it IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN
his hands are big or he just has a small vision??
he has grey eyes (like not rlly grey they're also slightly blue?) grey eyes with light blue highlights (and diamond pupils)
i'm sorry he probably looks so boring
he also has diamond earings (like they look like shards of ice)
--
gameplay (my fav part)
so ik i said he's a cryo catalyst but he can actually switch from a sword and catalyst (like raiden shogun)
he works best with frozen reactions (so blizzard strayer is great)
he's like a dps that uses charged atks and burst
normal atk --
3 different atks that deal cryo dmg (like a few ice shards/icicles attacking opponents)
the way he attacks is almost like he's playing violin with the bow
so he's just swaying his arm around but gracefully. idk. i'm bad at explaining them with words but uh. it's up to ur imagination
his catalyst does not show when he attacks
charged atk--
he raises his arms like the. the person that leads the orchestra i forgot the name
and it releases a bunch of small crystals that are sort of like a tiny ningguang burst
elemental skill-- glacial shock
his skill has a 10 sec cool down
he sprints back and releases a small diamond sort of thing that applies cryo to opponents (like mona but cryo, however the opponents don't attack it)
when an opponent is hit with the diamond it applies a music note affect, which changes dependinf how many times it was hit
when the diamond disappears after it makes the music note burst and does cryo dmg to the opponent
at talent 10
diamond release dmg - 172%
shock release dmg - 490%
at talent 10 (music note effect burst)
quarter note - hit 1 time (724%)
half note - hit 2 times (823%)
whole note - hit 3 times (913%)
i'm aware whole note is 4 quarter notes but ajsjsisbsj
elemental burst-- black frost symphony
alastor pulls out his violin and he plays a few notes that makes a big explosion to surrounding opponents, automatically freezing them (until the burst time is over)
while all opponents are frozen, alastor's catalyst is now a bow (which is used like a sword) and his sword attacks are infused with cryo
hitting opponents with a charged attack or plunge attack can cause them to explode (like a bigger version of the skill that does a lot more dmg)
normal attacks will also cause explosion (but charged or plunge is a lot better if dealing with more than one enemy)
ofc it deals cryo dmg
i'm too lazy to make all the dmg percentages so just imagine a cryo burst eula
yeah
--
constellations :
c1 - skill gets 2 charges, decreases cd by 1.5
c2 - burst explosion dmg will be increased by 20% of atk
c3 - +3 to burst talent
c4 - when enemies are hit by skill, they automatically get whole note effect
c5 - +3 to skill talent
c6 - if enemies still have remaininf hp left after burst, whole note effects are applied that explode right after
--
talents :
lvl 20 + when skill is on field (and alastor isn't) it will give other characters 10% more crit rate as long as the diamond is still active
lvl 60 + during burst, alastor gets increased cryo dmg (12% of crit rate)
(passive) items purchased from fontaine will cost 10% less
--
other :
fav food - pastries
least fav food - spicy food (he likes the taste but he always throws up afterwards)
--
yeah thats all take care <333
- mari anon (apologies for the long ask)
a violinist !!! omg what if he and dani collabs ?!?! dani can dance ballet with a violin or smth !!! and the “he gets noticed” part !! dani could be an anonymous sponsor or smth omg im sorry if im inserting her here kksksksks im just so excited that there’s a fontaine oc like my darling dani !!!!!
oh i have a question tho! so he’s technically a cryo catalyst?? or a cryo sword?? if raiden is technically polearm, i mean. what would it be for alastor??and ohh~ a burst like eula’s! yes ! that would mean he’s a main dps then ?? ooh~~ very interesting! i so love considering his music background~ what if,,, what if he plays the violin in his burst animation tho ?!??!!?!?!?! 
5 notes · View notes
akatsvmu · 3 years
Text
ok hot take — but also because I’m genuinely curious — I’ve seen a lot of discussion about the anti - Asian racism in shadow and bone and how it was unnecessary + obvious that the writers were white, etc.
*this ended up being long so I put the rest under the cut*
before I begin I just want to say that im just putting this out here to hear what others have to say !! I’m open to whatever u have to say legit I just want to talk to others about this hahah. I don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, but if I do then I apologize and if you feel like it, to let me know why exactly so I can be more aware next timee
okk so, reading what everyone else had to say after finishing the season made me question myself BIG TIMEEEE because tbh ..... I didn’t really see what the problem was as I was watching the show 😭
I didnt watch any trailers or promo vids before the show bc I didnt want to expect anything. so the first time I heard about Alina being half - shu was when she said it in the show — and TBHHH I was actually so happy (since I’m South East Asian) it was a pleasant surprise, I was like “omg I can relate to uu !! <33” kind of thing ya know.
After i watched it, I read the discussions on how they handled it and everything and I was worried bc I was still having such a hard time seeing what was so wrong about it,, I genuinely felt really bad at this point bc I was thinking like ... am I racist ?? Or am I actually contributing to racism and all that ?? soo I wanted to just share some of my thoughts here and if you actually finish reading this maybe like share some of your thoughts too ??
okok so hear we go — Alina being changed into half - shu didnt bother me at all, as I said earlier it was a nice surprise since it allowed me to relate to her more, i remember i even texted my friend bc i was so happy lmaooo (plus I thought it fit well since Jessie is actually half chinese).
About how the racism was ‘unnecessary’ since it’s a fictional world and all >> I get how they technically didn’t need to add it in — BUT... I kind of liked that they did add it ?? since it showed me that, oh you know she went through all of that, was discriminated against, etc. but was still able to do all the things she did and she didn’t let any of that stop her (I've finished the trilogy so I know how her story ends, assuming they stick to the books in later seasons lmao).
I mean tbh I even felt kinda better ? Hopeful even ?? My line of thinking was like “even the sun summoner faced some racism yet she was able to push through her journey !!” and all that ++ plus how she didn’t let it affect her — she even said, “don’t change my eyes” in that one scene which made me feel really proud for some reason.
about how they only centered the racism around Alina >> like how Jesper or Inej didn't really have to face any racism ++ and how it was all anti shu ..... again that didn’t rly bother me bc like ..... she’s kind of the main character ????? Not to say that the other characters stories don’t matter (lmao im not done w crooked kingdom yet but I already prefer their duology over the trilogy 😭🤚🏼) but given the fact that this particular adaptation of the story (or even season) is about Alina and Her experiences,, it’s kind of a given that the story will literally revolve around her and the challenges she faces ?????
the books obviously talked about what inej and the others went through + but that was because they had two books and individual chapters to flesh out their characters, plus we learned about their origins through a flashback type thing, it wasn’t a linear storyline.
This season had 8 episodes, so I really didn’t expect them to focus on their backstories since it's established that they’ve been working together for a while (the three crows, not Nina and Matthias). In the show, Alina has just discovered her powers = meaning her arc has just started.
lastly, about how it was unnecessary that Zoya was racist to Alina >> This one confused me a lot im ngl, because in the first book zoya does act like a lil bitch to Alina and everyone in the little palace — Marie and Nadia constantly talked shit abt her behind her back — bro even Genya didn’t like her lol — ALSO she even admitted to this in the second or third book right ?? So considering where her arc goes — I thought that this was obvious ?? she was meant to be disliked at first bc she literally has a redemption arc (AHHH don’t get me wrong here I loved zoya in the end pls shes so snarky ahidhshshs she a lil bitch but she owns it 😌😌 as she should)
I know she wasn’t outright racist to Alina in the books — but she was mean to her — *if I’m not wrong doesn’t she also whisper to Alina in front of the king about how she was an orphan peasant?* given the changes in the show, I thought it was understandable for her to treat her that way (not that it’s ok for anyone to be treated that way but you get the point right...) also idk if this counts but she does correct that one lady saying that Inej was suli and not whatever she originally said.
okk that’s all I can think of now, if you made it this far I wanna say thank uuu so much ily 🥰 ,, I know this was long I didnt think I had this much to say.
if you want then pleaseee share some of your thoughts 🤲🏼🤲🏼 i don’t want to subconsciously be a racist apologist or anything 😭😭 so I’m open to hearing what u have to say ++ also I’m really just wondering why I saw this so differently compared to everyone else ahshsjhdhs.
edit: ive only read the trilogy and six of crows so far. i havent had the time to start crooked kingdom or nikolai's books bc school :/ soo if youre gonna comment, please dont mention anything about crooked kingdom and anything after that !! huhu shhshshsa
SECOND EDIT: someone commented on this but i posted it accidentally and deleted the old one and didnt see their comment im gonna cry aaaaaa
13 notes · View notes
zanesgirlfriend · 5 years
Text
History Repeats | Jeff Wittek
2k follower special 💜
A/N: I just wanted to say thank you for all the love and support, I've been working on this for a while and decided to make it a special thing for hitting 2k ahh but thank yall for bearing with me through all my little breaks and late uploads and stuff even tho I'm literally a nobody so thank yall okok I'm done pls enjoy
Word Count: 6.2k
Triggers: Cheating, swearing, stuff like that ya know
Special shout out to @vlouge-squad for helping me edit this!!
_____
The heat of dancing bodies wrapped around Jeff like a blanket. A bead of sweat trickled down the bridge of his nose as he forced himself through the crowd. He nodded to the bartender as he sat on a creaky barstool, wondering if he was suddenly too old to go out to clubs like this.
Y/n was thinking the same thing, no idea that her ex boyfriend was a few seats down from her. She hadn't seen Jeff since the day he left New York. Promising to call her when he landed, only to block her number and never speak to her again. She wasn't mad anymore. They'd had their fair share of fights, breakups and makeups, and they knew long distance wasn't going to work.
She wouldn't've even noticed him if it wasn't for her roommate Katy. They'd played the same game every time they went out, giving people a job and a backstory and a silly name, and it was Katy's turn.
"Oh fuck he's hot." She attempted to subtly point Jeff out to y/n. "Um, Brad, twenty-five, Male model, from Oklahoma. Got his start modeling for billboards."
"Wrong." Her words sounded playful but really they had a lot of meaning. She scanned Jeff's body, his face, his hair, as she corrected Katy. "He's a Jeff, twenty-nine, probably the dead body in the background of Law and Order, cuts hair on the side of his shitty acting career, from New York."
"O-M-G you're right." Katy laughed as she continued to eye the man.
"Did you just say O-M-G out loud? Maybe you should chill on the White Russian's." She took Katy's glass and slid it away from them before guiding her slightly drunk friend away from the bar. Katy was highly buzzed at best, but y/n didn't want Jeff to have the chance to notice her.
She was distracted the rest of the night, busy thinking of the very first time she saw Jeff. It was like history was repeating itself.
It was a cold night in New York. The first snowfall of the year. Y/n wasn't prepared and had nothing but a long-sleeved shirt on. She blamed this on her friends dog, who'd incidentally stolen her phone and chewed through it like candy. She couldn't check the weather, and nobody'd told her it was going to snow.
She shivered, her arms folded over one another, tight to her chest in attempt to keep her torso warm. She was walking home, not willing to spend her rent money on a cab to her apartment six blocks away.
"Do you need a ride?" He pulled up next to her, his head hanging out the window. She wasn't going to take a ride from a stranger, especially at night. She watched his breath form clouds as it hit the cool air.
"No, thank you." She nodded and continued walking. He drove alongside her slowly.
"Look, I'm not gonna kidnap you, I just don't want you to freeze to death."
She took a moment to really look at the guy. She was cold, and didn't really enjoy walking alone. His eyes looked kind and his hair flopped in such a way that made her trust him. But not enough to get in the car. "Even if you were gonna kidnap me, I don't think you'd tell me. Really, I'm fine."
He sighed and she wondered what he was doing as he popped his head back in the window. He took his sweatshirt off and held it out the window.
"Take it."
"No, I can't." She wanted to take it, but she felt bad. "It's yours."
"And now it's yours. Just take it." So she did. It smelled like expensive cologne and it was fairly warm from his body heat.
"Thank you." She smiled. He returned a grin as he drove off.
The memories made her smile. Katy noticed how bubbly she became as they took an Uber home. "What got into you?" She nudged y/n with a teasing tone.
"I just remembered some things that made me happy, that's all."
Later that night, y/n woke up in a cold sweat. She was hugging her pillow and all of her blankets were on the floor. Whispered words tickled her throat as she spoke.
"Jeff."
♤♡◇♧
They say that everybody in L.A. goes to therapy. Whether it be that they actually have a problem needing fixed, or just need someone trustworthy to talk to. In y/n's case, it was the latter. Katy was a blabbermouth, and to be fair, she wasn't very good at solving problems. She had too many problems of her own.
"Something about seeing him was so surreal. It's like I can't unseen him."
"And how did seeing him again make you feel?" Dr. R. asked her, posing her pen near the top of her notepad.
"Angry, and then happy, and then sad." She paused, rethinking her words. "More like I was upset over breaking up, well, the way we broke up, and then I missed him."
"Do you still miss him now?" She asked without looking up from her notepad.
"I could lie and say that I don't, but I dreamt about him last night, so I think I do." Y/n brought her knees up to her chest, sitting in a comfortable ball in the oversized chair. Dr. R. noticed her change in position. She wrote a few more things down, circling something.
"What happened in your dream?" She finally looked up at y/n.
She smiled before answering. "I usually never remember my dreams, but this one was different. It's not that I can't remember it all, it's that everything was a blur. We were just laying together. Cuddling in bed. Then everything was going in slow motion. He kissed me, and it was so comforting. And then it all went blurry again until he got up and left." She sighed. "And that's when I woke up."
Dr. R. flipped a page or two back in her notes, putting a dot next to something y/n mentioned before. "When you two broke up, it wasn't mutual, correct?"
"No, it wasn't." She hugged her knee's a little tighter.
"I think your dream was bringing those feelings back. Cuddling with him was how you felt before he left, and then when he left, you probably woke up upset, didn't you?"
Y/n nodded. "I'm more upset now that I didn't talk to him at the bar." She picked at the loose string on the cuff of her sleeve. "I wonder if he would even recognize me."
"He will."
On the drive home y/n thought about Dr. R., how she was more like a wise old lady sitting on a porch at the end of your street. Of course, she had her therapist moments, but at the end of the day she was just a nice person to talk to.
She then started to think more about Jeff. He's in L.A. Did he finally make it as an actor? She hadn't seen him in anything. Before she got out of her car she whipped out her phone.
Jeff Wittek
Millions of results in seconds. His Instagram, Twitter, YouTube. Millions of followers. A past girlfriend, clips of him on various TV shows. The name David Dobrik seems attached to the most recent things.
She sat in her car for thirty minutes, obsessing over him. Over everything he's involved in.
She finds the Dobrik kid and laughs. His videos are hilarious, and he seems to be one of Jeff's current friends.
If only she could find a way to get in touch.
She didn't want to be creepy, obsessive, or a virtual stalker, but she couldn't help but see what Jeff's been up to.
By the end of her internet search, she couldn't help but feel she was doing something wrong. She felt dirty.
She deleted her search history, and went inside to take a shower.
♤♡◇♧
It'd been weeks. Months even. She'd stopped thinking about him shortly after her session with Dr. R., but he still appeared in her dreams every once in a while. She figured if she ever did see him again, it would be in passing at a party or another bar like it was before. She never expected to see him at the top of a mountain.
Katy was on a new health kick, and that meant dragging y/n along with her. They'd been to a cycling class five times this week, and y/n wanted to do something else.
"Let's go on a hike." She told Katy, reminiscing the days back home where she would hike in Latourette Park.
They found a hiking spot right outside of Los Angeles. "Do you want to go the easy path or the hard one?" Y/n asked, feeling like she could do both.
"I ate cheese fries last night, so let's do the hard one." Katy took a left onto the hard path and y/n rolled her eyes as she followed.
They saw a group of men and a dog up ahead, but didn't pay much attention as they were gossiping about people they knew from work and Katy's recent ex-boyfriend. The path was harder than y/n expected, and she was dripping with sweat by the time they'd gotten halfway up.
"We're never doing this again." Katy panted as she wiped her forehead. Y/n laughed.
"No, we need to do it more often."
"Why? This is torture enough!" Katy pulled on her ponytail, making it a bit tighter.
"The more we do it, the easier it'll get, come on." She pressed forward, dragging Katy up the mountain.
They noticed the guys once again. They were stood at the top of the trail, looking over L.A. and undoubtedly taking a break. It wasn't until the girls drew nearer to them that y/n noticed Jeff.
"Can we go back now? I'm tired." Y/n asked Katy, not wanting to see Jeff ever again.
"What? No! We're so close to the top, and there's cute guys up there." Katy grabbed y/n's wrist forcefully, dragging her towards the top.
"Ow, Katy!" She screamed. "Fine, we'll go." Y/n trudged up to the top of the trail, rubbing her wrist the whole time. She'd never thought of Katy as someone to use force, but she couldn't expect less based on the sexual stories they'd shared in the past.
The closer they got, the more attention they got. Jeff was the last one to turn around.
"It's you." He whispered, smiling. He'd forgotten all of the negative feelings of their past relationship. The familiarity of y/n's face brought an intense emotion to Jeff's chest.
Y/n, on the other hand, didn't feel the same, but something about the way he said "It's you." reminded her of how they found eachother the first time.
She was doing a typical walk of shame. It was six in the morning. Her heels hanging loosely from her fingers as she tugged on her cocktail dress. She should've planned a bit better, or at least stored emergency cash in her bra for a cab. The party she went to wasn't far from her apartment, but walking two miles with a hangover isn't ideal. She was halfway there. Ignoring the stares and mutterings from strangers was harder the more she woke up, and she just wanted to be home.
"Hey! It's you!" The familiar man rolled down his window once again. This time he was laughing.
"Hey." She smiled a bit and her head hung loosely from her neck. "Did you want your sweatshirt back?"
"No, you keep it. Did you want a ride this time?" The way he smiled made her trust him. If he was going to kidnap her, he would've done it the first time.
"Yeah, sure." She hopped in the passengers seat and told him where she lived.
"Have a long night?" He asked her as he pressed his foot lightly on the gas. He would usually speed down this road, but he wanted as much time with her as possible.
"You could say that." She looked down at her lap, not sure of his intentions, before she realized she didn't even know his name. "I'm y/n." She introduced herself, studying his brown hair and clean shaven beard.
"Jeff." He nodded slightly as he turned into the apartment complex.
"Y/n." His voice snapped her back into reality.
"Jeff." She said, as if she hadn't been thinking about him for the past month.
"You know him?" Katy asked, remembering his face from the bar that night.
"Yeah, she knows me." Jeff walked a bit closer to them, a small dog waddling after him. "This is Nerf." He introduced his dog to Katy, already seeing that he'd need to distract her to be able to talk to y/n. It worked, Katy bent down and baby talked the little guy as Jeff pulled y/n into a hug.
"Jeff." She repeated. She didn't know if she wanted to hug him, or wanted to be as far away from him as possible.
"What're you doin' out here?" His accent was still as strong as ever. Y/n's seemed to fade for the most part as soon as she was out of Staten Island, but Katy still made fun of her for the way she pronounced 'coffee.'
"I have a job out here, production assistant." Her smile seemed hard and uninviting, but she was starting to warm up to him again.
"Hey, give me your number, maybe we can catch up sometime?" He noticed his friends were itching to leave so he rushed things along.
"It's the same as it's been for years. You probably still have it memorized." She waved him off with towards his friends, wondering if he actually still remembered it.
"Who was that?" Todd asked Jeff as he fell back into the group.
"Just an ex-girlfriend." He said, attempting to remember her number.
"Can I get your number? So if you need a ride again you can just call." Jeff was smooth as she held a hand on the door to his car.
"My phone's broken." She said. Jeff thought it was a lie at first, but something in her eyes told him that it was true.
"That's okay, we'll be seeing eachother again." He laughed a bit as her brows knitted together.
"How do you know that?" Her hand landed on her hip, heels still dangling from her fingers. She watched as Jeff turned off his car and got out.
"This is my apartment building too."
And so they saw eachother again. And again. And again. And one day she got a new phone.
"I don't have a pen, can you memorize it?" She asked Jeff on their third date. He'd left his phone at a friends house, but didn't want to forget to grab her number.
"I can try." He flashed his famous smile as she repeated the numbers. He made up a little song to remember it.
"What are you humming?" Todd asked Jeff as they continued down the trail back to their car.
"Just an old song I know."
♤♡◇♧
Dr. R. didn't think seeing Jeff again was a good idea, but she didn't explicitly state that y/n shouldn't go. So they met for coffee.
Jeff was a few minutes early, already sipping on an Americano when y/n walked into the small café. The smell of fresh coffee tickled her nose as she walked over to Jeff.
"I got you your favorite." He pushed a cup towards her as he studied her face. She looked a lot different than when they used to date. She was more mature, and you could see it in her eyes. There'd been a big change in her life, maybe it was Jeff leaving her, but he wanted to find out.
Her lips spread into a small smile as she tasted her favorite drink. It had the right amount of sugar and flavor and cream, and she made a mental note of that.
Her chair was a bit uncomfortable, the metal back cold on her shoulder blades, so she sat up straight, probably looking like she was trying too hard to present herself as perfect.
"I'm sorry." He admitted, it was the right thing to say.
"I'd hope so." Her voice was quiet, she felt small compared to him.
Awkward silence ensued, but neither of them had much to say. She looked down at her lap, but he bore his eyes into her. He missed her, and he wanted her to be his once again.
Just like that they were back. It was as if something clicked into place and they picked up right where they left off.
♤♡◇♧
He was so familiar. Everything about him was exactly the same, but also extraordinarily different. They fell in love all over again, spending nights just studying eachother, and taking pop quizzes on how much they remembered from the first time around.
It was 2am, they stayed up a little late, smoking some weed and playing cards.
"Why do you have all the puppy toes?" Jeff slammed his cards on the bed, frustrated that he was losing by a mile.
"Oh my God, I haven't heard that in years." She glanced over her straight. Every card was in the suit of clubs, and she smiled as she looked back up at Jeff.
"Probably because I'm the only person that calls clubs 'puppy toes'."
I remember when you first said it, I couldn't stop laughing.
"My grandma taught me how to play cards, but I could never remember the suits." Jeff started as y/n dealt. They power went out and they had nothing better to do, so why not play cards?
"What'd she make up a song or something?" She laughed, placing the deck to her left and flipping a card over before picking up her hand.
"Well the diamonds and hearts were easy, but she called the spades 'spearheads' and the clubs 'puppy toes,' you know, 'cause they look like little paw prints."
Y/n burst out into a fit of laughter, the words 'puppy toes' exiting her mouth between wheezes.
"Why is that so funny?" Jeff couldn't help but laugh, her happiness was contagious.
"Because she could've called them 'paws' or 'paw prints' but instead she called them 'puppy toes!'"
She was wheezing all over again at the memory. "I still dont understand why it's so funny." Jeff felt comfortable, like they were reliving old times, sitting forever in a happy memory.
Her laughter died down and they were stuck for a moment, staring at eachother.
"I love you, all over again, more than the first time." Jeff's stare bore into her eyes. His words usually sounded flat, perfect to go along with his dry, deadpan sense of humor, but he sounded real this time. He sounded more human.
"I don't think I ever stopped loving you." Y/n replied, dropping the cards, a pile of puppy toes laying between them as she kissed him. Soon she moved, climbing into his lap, sloppy yet fulfilling kisses occupied their faces. Jeff's hands did most of the work, tickling her lightly as they slid up her thighs, around the curves of her ass. His long fingers hooked onto her shirt as his hands continued upward. They disconnected for a moment as her shirt passed over her head.
Jeff leaned back, bringing her with him. Her shorts rode up as she grinded on him, feeling him grow beneath her.
She missed the feeling of his skin on hers, so much that she was glued to him. Bare. Skin on Skin. No protection as her chest stuck to his. He felt her breasts bouncing as he moved her hips up and down on his own.
They both felt cloudy, a nice fog through their brains, the weed channeling all focus to the sensations shared between them.
They were loud. Screaming, moaning, happy, euphoric.
She'd later tell her therapist that it was the best sex she'd ever had, hell the best sex they'd ever had. Her therapist would congratulate her, not really knowing what else to say.
They finished together. Ending up as a heaping pile of skin and juices. They breathed for a moment.
Holding onto eachother like they'd never been held before.
Ten minutes later they were holding hands, naked, and staring at the ceiling. They felt so vulnerable, yet so comfortable with eachother.
"I'm sober now." Jeff confessed. "I know we just smoked weed, but I haven't drank alcohol in months." He was already looking at her when she turned to him.
"Really?"
"Really."
It wasn't the pillow talk she expected, but it was something she needed to hear. She immediately trusted him, and felt like her choice in getting back together with him was justified.
But she couldn't help but think of the first time they broke up.
He blamed it on being drunk. A picture from some anonymous number depicted Jeff face fucking some random chick. Y/n was furious. She felt her heart shatter for the first time when she saw the picture. She knew it was real, and it was recent. He'd just gotten that new tattoo, it was still scabbed over in the picture. She'd put ointment on it for him just a few minutes prior to recieving the horrid image.
She was speechless. Having nothing yet everything to say to him.
Still, he blamed it on being drunk.
They were apart for three weeks. She hoped he had enough time to get it out of his system before he begged for her forgiveness. She missed him, and reluctantly took him back.
That was the first time.
"Thank you for telling me that." She squeezed his hand lightly before getting up to pee.
Laying on his chest, she realized why she'd missed him all this time. It was the tiny little things that made her happy. She made some stupid joke, referencing an old inside joke that only they knew about. The way she could feel his laughter through his chest. She wouldn't even mind being deaf as long as she could still feel his laughter, feel him. Everything was how it was supposed to be.
♤♡◇♧
Things were perfect for a while.
Katy had her own minor crush on Jeff, but y/n trusted her, and knew she just thought he was hot, nothing more. Y/n loved Jeff's friends. They were hilarious and they made her feel like she'd been friends with them for years.
They welcomed her to the group with open arms, as did Jeff's fans. His fans didn't know what to think of her at first, and she'd seen her name tossed around on a few gossip sites, but overall everything was good.
Things were perfect until they weren't.
♤♡◇♧
She always had a deep-seated feeling of unease when she wasn't with Jeff. She trusted him, and his soberness, but there was still that fear. Fear, sitting inside of her chest, like a child hiding from its mom in the coat racks of a department store.
She knew the kid was there, and that it would come out eventually.
The fear always dissipated when she was with Jeff, when they were just hanging out alone. She had nothing to worry about.
They'd been back together for three months. Three wonderful months of laughter and learning and loving and sex.
Jeff surprised her, a bouquet of flowers and a loving note telling her to be ready by seven.
She got dressed up, smiling to herself in the mirror before answering the door. Jeff kissed her and took her out to dinner.
It was lovely, a cute little date at a fancy restaurant, and time alone with her boyfriend. Jeff was expecting sex after their date. Y/n was too, but their plans got thrown off after dinner. The new guy at the restaurant hadn't cleaned her protein properly, leaving her and a handful of other patrons to take off work for the next week. Food poisoning was a bitch.
"I don't feel good." She told Jeff. He took her home, promising to stay with her and make sure she was okay.
She puked her guts out, drank the juice he gave her, and passed out in her bed. He could feel her sickness in the air, and did not want to sleep next to her, but he promised he would stay, so he grabbed a pillow and a blanket and headed out onto the couch in the living room.
"Hey." He sat next to Katy who was watching some girly movie on the TV.
"Did you get in a fight?" She pointed at the pillow and chuckled.
"No, she just doesn't feel good." He smiled. He'd never spent much time with Katy, but he did know she was a simple creature. She lived and breathed Starbucks and glitter, and he couldn't handle too much of her at once. She was gorgeous, though, he couldn't deny that.
It was late, and something about the hours between morning and night when the world is quiet just changes people. They get sloppy, don't think straight. They feel free, almost a little too free, like anything the do could be done without consequences.
It was almost like being drunk on freedom.
Y/n woke up to her stomach grumbling once again. Not in the 'Hey! I'm hungry!' kind of way, but as if her stomach was mad at her. She sat up and pulled her sweat-soaked shirt from her body. She felt horrible.
She wandered out into the living room and towards the kitchen of their small apartment, wondering if there was any Pepto Bismol laying around. She opened the fridge, the light inside causing her to squint.
The three-sided bottle was lodged in the door and she grabbed it, quickly chugging the small amount of pink liquid left. As she closed the fridge she heard something. Giggling.
Her head whipped around towards the couch, noticing Jeff's absence. She wondered for a moment if he left, but his phone was on the table.
She'd forgotten all about her food poisoning as she creeped up to the door of Katy's room.
Her breathing stopped as she attempted to be as quiet as possible.
"Jeff!" She heard Katy giggle, a little moan following it.
"Shh, you're gonna wake her up!"
Y/n stood there for a long time. Hearing every skin slap and giggle and moan. Random word seemed to stick in her head as she listened.
Condom. Jeff. She never has to know. I'm gonna cum.
She didn't know how long she'd been there, or when she started crying, but eventually she was back in her bed, pretending to sleep as Jeff peeked in to check on her.
Her heart was broken. It had already been hastily taped back together the other three times Jeff broke her heart, but now it was gone. There was no more tape.
She felt like she died. Like her soul was gone. She was wretching for air like a fish out of water. Suffocating in her own tears. The only thing she could do was cry.
"You knew this would happen." She told herself as she sat up. She couldn't sleep, between puking and heartbreak, she was the most exhausted yet awake she'd ever been. Her sadness had turned into anger and a fuck-it attitude.
"Once a cheater always a cheater. Fucking fuck!" Her whispers to herself were harsh as she opened her laptop, finding the first flight home. She needed to be home, where it all started. Where she was before she even met him. She'd forgotten about him once, and she could do it again.
She booked the flight. She had two suitcases and a duffle bag, each filled to the brim with things she wanted and needed. All the stupid movie tickets from her and Jeff's dates were left on her dresser. Pictures of her and Katy long abandoned were thrown into a drawer. She left what she could live without, and left what would remind her of them.
She had her things and her uber was arriving soon. She quickly wrote a check, this months rent, tossing it on the messy bed. She had an idea right as she was leaving and grabbed a post-it note. She couldn't decide which cliche was better, but eventually she settled on one.
They always said that history repeats itself, and I never believed them.
Now I do. ♡
She moved her bags to the front door and placed the sticky note on Jeff's phone. He was passed out on the couch, the rising sunlight just starting to hit his face.
She stared at him for a few moments. He was beautiful. She loved so many things about him. She wondered if she was making a mistake, but then she remembered what he did. She'd given him a second chance, hell, a hundred second chances, and he still fucked it up.
She'd blamed it on the alcohol before, but she knew full well he was completely sober last night.
♤♡◇♧
The driver put her bags in the trunk and started towards the airport. She figured her mom wouldn't mind a surprise and the opportunity to have her around for a few weeks until she got her shit together. And sometimes you just need your mom. You need her to hold you like you're still little, like you scraped your knee up real bad and she was the only thing that would make you feel better.
The sun was fully up now. Jeff would be awake soon, and she couldn't tell if he would call or not. Would he call to try and stop her? Or would he simply not care?
She checked her phone, simply for the time, or maybe a text, and noticed her wallpaper. A picture of her and Jeff. She was kissing his cheek. She hated the way her faced looked in that picture, but the way Jeff looked was more important than that at the time. He was smiling. Dimples poking through his beard. His eyes looked kind and filled with love. She couldn't even stand to look at him anymore, but she didn't have the heart to change the picutre.
She decided that she was the one who didn't care and turned her phone off. The only two people she talked to had betrayed her and she didn't want to hear from them.
The farther she got from Jeff, the more the sadness set in. She stared out the window dramatically, thinking about him and how this whole situation seemed like a cheesy music video.
A thought crossed her mind as they drove past a car dealership. All the cars seemed so shiny, so perfect as they sat there, but once you buy it, once it's yours, things change. It's no longer a perfect new car. It's nice for a while, sure, but eventually theres a spider nest under the back seat, a few stray fries in the cupholder, some bird shit on the roof that nobody would notice for months.
Everything seemed perfect until it was yours. You ruin it. You don't take care of it the way you should. Even if the inside is impeccable, there's always the bird shit on the roof.
♤♡◇♧
She was forced to turn on her phone and see his face when the flight landed. She was in the back of a cab as she cancelled her therapy sessions for the next month. Of course, it seemed logical that now would be the time for therapy, and Dr. R. offered to host video sessions, but y/n wasn't thinking logically. She was thinking about getting home, crying into her mom's arms, and crawling into a cave of blankets and pillows for a few weeks.
Tears were already flowing as she walked up to the door. "Y/n!" She opened the door, excited at first to see her, but her tone changing as soon as she saw the state her daughter was in. "Baby." She opened her arms and y/n jumped right into the hug, wailing as she cried.
"I thought he was different." Her words were muffled by her mother's sweater.
"Let's run you a bath."
♤♡◇♧
It'd been a few days back home, and the news had spread that y/n was back and sad, and the kitchen was filled with casserole dishes full of lasagna and baked ziti from her mother's friends. The food was delicious, but she couldn't help but be reminded of Jeff every time she took a bite. The abundance of food was meant as condolences, as it always was in an Italian, New York neighborhood, and y/n knew this. It made her even more sad, sad that everyone knew and everything was going to shit.
"Can you go through your old clothes today? Geanie's daughter. . ." Y/n stopped listening and agreed, not really interested in the backstory of someone she'd met once when she was eighteen, or her supposed daughter.
The thing about heartbreak is that it's all you can think about, all you can feel, but the hardest part is forgetting, letting go, and getting over it. She attempted to remember how she got through it the first time.
"You have to accomplish one thing at a time." Her mom plopped down on her bed. Jeff was gone and he wouldn't talk to her. He'd blocked her number. He abandoned her. Left her in the dust as he went off to L.A. to get rich. She did feel abandoned, like everything she'd done the past few years was for nothing. The second chance she'd given him before was now worthless, and she wondered why she did it in the first place.
"Do you hear me? One thing a day. One thing at a time until you're okay again." Y/n looked up at her mother and nodded. "Today you're taking a shower."
Her one thing today would be sorting through clothes. Maybe finding some tshirt from college that would make her smile. So she spent the day on her bed, three tubs of clothes poured out in front of her, and a comedy special playing on the TV. She chuckled a bit every now and then, actually enjoying herself until she found something at the bottom of the pile.
Jeff's sweatshirt. The one that started it all.
"Take it." Jeff held the sweatshirt out of his window.
"No, I can't, it's yours." but she took it anyway.
It was a plain sweatshirt, nothing exciting, but she knew it was his by the stain on the hem. She'd always wondered what it was from, but never really found the time to ask. She held the cotton against her face, the scent climbing up into her nose. Of course it just smelled like her other old clothes, it'd been years, but she swore that if she sniffed hard enough, she could smell him. Not the Jeff she knew now, but the one that pulled up next to her on the street. The sweet guy that didn't want her to freeze to death. The shiny new car she was yet to buy.
She was crying now, holding the sweatshirt to her chest. A faint knock on the door downstairs was heard, but she paid no attention. It was probably just another baked ziti being delivered from her mom's card playing partner.
"Y/n!" Her mom called, alarming her. It wasn't another ziti. She wiped her eyes and headed down stairs, stopping when she saw who it was.
"I just wanna talk." Jeff pleaded. The anger and sadness filled her chest again and she continued down the stairs.
"Talk about how you cheated on me with my best friend?" The sharpness of her words made his heart hurt. He stepped inside, her mother closing the door before disappearing into the kitchen.
"You don't understand-" He started, but y/n wasn't having it.
"Don't understand what? That you slept with her while I was fucking sick? You couldn't fucking wait until I felt better?" She was screaming in his face, tears rolling down her cheeks, traveling the familiar path.
"Y/n-"
"No, let me fucking talk." She took a deep breath. "You told me you were sober. I fucking loved you for that. I thought that you wouldn't hurt me anymore. I fucking trusted you. A lot.
"Do you know how many second chances I've given you? because I've lost count. I'm over it. I'm done with you. Don't even try to tell me that she forced you into it because I know that's not true. I know you. I know what goes on in your brain. You fucking piece of shit."
Jeff was stunned. He didn't know what to say, or why he wanted her back. He knew he fucked up. He knew that he loved her. He knew what he felt for her, even still after all these years.
"You have to understand my feelings for you, and-" His words had no meaning to her, she wanted him gone, out of sight.
"Fuck you, and your feelings. Get out." She pointed towards the door. He stood still so she started pushing him. "Get out, just get the fuck out!" She screamed, barely moving his body.
"I love you!" He screamed back, now holding her shoulders in place. Her eyes locked with his. Hers were full of emotion, depth, deep sadness. His were nothing of the sort. They looked hollow, empty, only a tiny spark of emotion barely flickering through them. That was enough for her to know his true feelings.
"If you loved me we never would've broken up in the first place." She pushed him off of her, her voice quivering as she crossed him to open the door.
"You said in your note that history repeats, but it doesn't have to. We can change history. We can forget it all." He attempted to use her own words as a way to get through to her, but she was smarter than that.
"I already have forgotten it all, a million times over. I've let you back in only for the same shit to happen again. You can't change the past, Jeff." She turned and ran upstairs, grabbing his sweatshirt off her bed. He was walking down the driveway when she called his name. He thought for a moment that she'd changed her mind, that she did still want him.
"I don't need you to keep me warm anymore." She threw it at him, hitting him in the face. He let it fall to the ground, a tear falling from his eye as he looked back at her.
She slammed the door shut and there he was.
Left alone, back right where it all started.
672 notes · View notes