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lilac-gold · 2 months

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hero & mari's friendship has so many more layers than people typically consider, and it's genuinely so painful to think about.

to begin, they're both people pleasers, determined to impress everyone and act as role models to the younger kids. they settle for nothing less than perfection, mari practicing her piano for countless hours on end, hero earning solely first place awards. they both feel the pressure of everyone's expectations, of knowing that they're obligated to go above and beyond, to do more and more to impress. but nothing is ever enough, not when those expectations just get higher and higher the more they strive to meet them, so it builds up to the point where they can only feel satisfied achieving flawlessness. but flawlessness isn't possible, not when there's always something else to criticise, something that could have been better. they're both placed on pedestals because that's where they want to be, they need to be. they take it upon themselves to be perfect, so perfect is how they appear.

mari is gentle, caring, funny, wise. she offers bountiless good advice at only the cost of your love-- because she needs love, needs the validation that she's doing well or else her efforts will have all been for nothing. she's the perfect older sister, looking out for her little brother and protecting him where necessary. she's the perfect musician, dedicated and quick-fingered, composing masterpieces at the age of fifteen. she's the perfect student, spending hours after school studying to ensure that she does the best she can in her exams.

hero is compassionate, talented, charming, helpful. he offers assistance to anyone, all they have to do is ask-- because he can't say no, not when that would be letting people down. he's the perfect older brother, joking around with kel, setting a good example, keeping him out of trouble. he's the perfect hobbyist, taking an interest in cooking, each meal as good as the last as he puts his all into making them delicious. he's the perfect student, incredibly hard-working and doing his parents proud.

in the real world, hero and mari don't seem to have many friends. they spend all of their time in the group of six. they feature in the vast majority of the photo album's photos, and are often implied to be together in the scenes neither of them feature in. hero isn't particularly close to anyone when he returns to faraway, not seeking out anybody his own age to catch up with. when mari dies, it's sunny, kel, aubrey, basil and hero who are affected deeply.

but they have each other. they talk together, have fun together, work hard together. they understand each other in a way no-one else does, because they're in the same position.

hero isn't just "mari's malewife". mari isn't just "hero's girlfriend". their relationship goes so much deeper than just an implied romantic connection, because in the whole world, these two lean on each other the most. they're both older siblings. they're both straight a students. they're both masters at what they love. they're both the pride and joy of their parents. they're the same in so many ways, and that means they can trust each other.

hero and mari grow up together, and they grow up always trying to impress people. always avoiding disappointing them. they bottle everything up and hide it under warm smiles because they have to be perfect. they can't be anything less, or else they risk losing the images they've worked so hard to build, the images they can't afford to lose. not now, not ever.

they can't tell anyone about their struggles. about how hard a perpetual state of perfection is to preserve. about the crushing weight of expectations that never leaves their shoulders. about the endless responsibilities seizing hold of them in a vice grip, and their own steadfast refusal to burden anyone with their "problems". they're not supposed to have problems. they're supposed to be perfect.

they can't tell anyone, except for each other.

so that's who they go to. they each know the other inside out, know every intricacy and detail of their trains of thought, because their minds work in the same way. they're able to connect, to provide those pillars of support they can't get anywhere else, because they've always been a shoulder for someone else to lean on with no wall behind them to catch any falls caused by the weight.

they listen to each other. there's no judgement, no fear of disappointment. only the burning need to let out the fears plaguing their minds, to be allowed to feel bad, to have someone that won't be disappointed or shocked about their problems. they're teenagers with what feels like the weight of the world atop them, but together, they're able to share the burden.

looking at the other is like staring into a half-faded reflection, because hero and mari are both broken mirrors showing only the images people want to see. the cracks are hidden by their light, any imperfections masked and obscured by the awe brought forth via their achievements. but hero sees mari's silently shattered shards, and mari sees hero's. and they're always, always there for each other to slowly start mending the cracks.

and then mari "kills herself". and hero's left alone.

there's always been an unspoken vow between them, a promise that they'd support each other no matter what. that they could trust each other with anything. and hero stares up at a limp, lifeless corpse, and he doesn't know why mari couldn't trust him with this.

the worst part is, he knew there could have been signs, because he knows mari's endless cheerfulness isn't all genuine. he knows she gets irritable when she doesn't achieve flawlessness. he knows she won't let anyone else see her cry. he knows she's been battling the voices inside of her head for ages now.

but it's only in the months succeeding her death that he truly knows what depression feels like. for a while, there's only his suffocating devastation and grief, only the world-shattering fact that his best friend, his confidant, his pillar, is gone forever. and without her, he crumbles.

he goes to her funeral, and sees a never-ending array of black umbrellas on a cold, wet, miserable day. he holds no umbrella of his own. the water trickles into the unfeeling fabric of his black suit, sends shivers down his spine that should have forced him to react, plasters unbrushed hair to his forehead, mingles with the salty tears spilling down his cheeks. the sun shined brighter when she was here, and now that she's gone, he can only let the chill of the rain seep into his skin.

he returns home, and crawls into bed, into the empty embrace of heavy blankets and a darkness he wishes would consume him, and spends hours upon hours upon hours simply sobbing into his pillow. it seems impossible that she's gone. that the only person he could count on, the only person who understood him, the person he'd vowed to face the world with, the person he's relied on so heavily, is gone. gone forever. gone of her own volition, because she could see no reason to keep living.

hero wasn't reason enough. he wasn't good enough. he's tried so hard for so long not to let anyone down, but it's clear to him now that he's failed her. and that's his breaking point, when the half-sealed cracks all burst back apart. there's no point in trying anymore. there's no way to win. he can't fathom keeping up the picture of perfection without her.

mari wasn't the perfect older sister. she snapped at sunny when he got distracted during practice, brushed off aubrey when the girl offered to help out with the recital, spent her days too preoccupied to offer advice. she wasn't the perfect musician. she couldn't bear the thought of hitting even one wrong note, obsessing over the cursed piece she'd created even as it continuously refused to meet her sky-high standards. she wasn't the perfect student. she didn't even live beyond the start of freshman year.

hero's no longer the perfect older brother. he doesn't respond when kel tries to reach out to him, any words buried under the dirt covering a grave he slowly digs for himself over the next year. he's not the perfect hobbyist. he can't bring himself to so much as think of indulging in his passions, believes that he doesn't deserve to have nice things and no longer finds that spark of joy appear at the prospect of cooking. he's not the perfect student. he doesn't go to school over the next year, completely sectioned off from everyone else as he rots out of sight of the sun.

mari was gentle, caring, funny, wise. mari was stubborn, secretive, secluded, sensitive.

hero was compassionate, talented, charming, helpful. hero was silent, selfish, subordinate, spineless.

hero is all alone. mari is dead dead dead dead dead.

he finds himself following in her footsteps, and holds it all in. really, what else can he do? his only confidant is gone. he refuses to face a world without mari in it. he shouts at the one person who still sees him as someone to admire. he breaks down time and time and time again, a constant disappointment.

but he's seen how mari's death has affected his little brother. he knows how his own would, too. and he can't do that to kel. that would extinguish the one bit of light he has left. the sun may have shined brighter when mari was here, but with kel, some of its glow still remains.

so he gets up. he learns to try again. and this time, he does it all alone.

he reconnects with kel, as false as his efforts feel to himself. he tries not to think of how much better mari was at this, how much easier it had been to put on a grin with her in his life. he watches out for kel, notices when his smiles flicker just a little too much and offers to take him to gino's. perfect older sibling.

he takes up every extracurricular he can find, and brings home trophy upon trophy in each to demonstrate his capabilities. he works hard and learns fast, and is handed shiny plaques of silver and gold that indicate his mastery of skills he can't bring himself to truly enjoy. perfect hobbyist.

he makes up for the year of school he's missed by dedicating hours upon hours to studying. he passes with honours and goes to one of the best colleges he can find. he takes the course he's expected to, and pretends the sight of blood doesn't sicken him to his core. perfect student.

he upholds mari's legacy. he does everyone proud. it's a hollow sentiment.

throughout it all, he doesn't visit mari's grave once. he doesn't so much as mention her name, despite her haunting his every waking and sleeping thought. he misses her more than words can say, but he can't handle looking back on their memories. he claims he's doing just fine without her. he's a liar.

hero's always had a tendency to bottle things up, but after her death, that gets infinitely worse. he doesn't risk getting close to anyone, lest he fail them too. he closes himself off. people like him, people know him, but he doesn't have friends. not really. he's always been a little disliked, a little ostracised, a little different. he cares so much about how others perceive him, but the one group he's never managed to win over is those he was expected to be closest to. that was where both he and mari had struggled.

at least before, they'd had each other. now, hero makes it through the dull, monotonous cycle of his life by himself. he finishes high school, but moves onto college. he leaves behind faraway, but brings a huge piece of it with him. he tries to manage. he keeps it all hidden in neat little rows, fragile bottles on slanting shelves he does his very best to balance. he teeters precariously on the edge of a breakdown with every step he takes, but doesn't let anyone take notice. he wraps it all up under charming smiles and silken words. without the sun to guide him, he fades into the shadows as easily as he breathes. he's just another student, nothing particularly special about him, and while it's different and strange, it's in plenty of ways relieving. average people don't let anyone down. now it's only his parents he still has to impress. he pretends to be happy, and ignores the ghost he seems to be following every footstep of.

hero's alone, but it's better that way. mari died because he wasn't good enough to save her. he won't let anyone else down. never again.

he hopes mari would be proud of him. (he knows she'd hate what he's become.)

i feel like these two are often dismissed due to the lack of focus on their arcs and characters in canon, but there's so, so much about them to unpick that's lying in the subtext. hero and mari are such tragic, interesting, complicated characters, and it's sad to see them be brushed aside. no matter how you see their dynamic, there's so much to explore surrounding them, both separately and as a pair, and i'd love to see more people discussing just how brilliantly complex they really are.

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