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anarchywoofwoof · 6 months

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so today i learned that there’s a piece of graffiti written on the wall of a brothel in Pompeii that reads, “Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!”

this lead me down a rabbit hole of Pompeii graffiti, in which i found the following:

From Herculaneum (a bar/inn joined to the maritime baths): "Two friends were here. While they were, they had bad service in every way from a guy named Epaphroditus. They threw him out and spent 105 and half sestertii most agreeably on whores."

From just outside the Vesuvius gate: "Defecator, may everything turn out okay so that you can leave this place."

From the peristyle of the Tavern of Verecundus: "Restitutus says: 'Restituta, take off your tunic, please, and show us your hairy privates.'"

From Herculaneum (a bar/inn joined to the maritime baths): "Apelles the chamberlain with Dexter, a slave of Caesar, ate here most agreeably and had a screw at the same time."

From the basilica: "O walls, you have held up so much tedious graffiti that I am amazed that you have not already collapsed in ruin."

that lead me down a rabbit hole of obscene ancient Roman graffiti such as the following:

Floronius, privileged soldier of the 7th legion, was here. The women did not know of his presence. Only six women came to know, too few for such a stallion.

Chie, I hope your hemorrhoids rub together so much that they hurt worse than when they ever have before!

Theophilus, don’t perform oral sex on girls against the city wall like a dog

Apollinaris, the doctor of the emperor Titus, defecated well here

Restituta, take off your tunic, please, and show us your hairy privates

I was fucking with the bartender

Secundus likes to screw boys

Phileros is a eunuch!

Cruel Lalagus, why do you not love me?

I made bread on April 19th

Gaius Sabinus says a fond hello to Statius. Traveler, you eat bread in Pompeii but you go to Nuceria to drink. At Nuceria, the drinking is better

Anyone who wants to defecate in this place is advised to move along. If you act contrary to this warning, you will have to pay a penalty. Children must pay [number missing] silver coins. Slaves will be beaten on their behinds.

Epaphra doesn’t play football well

You can ride your maid whenever you want. It’s your right

Pyrrhus to his colleague Chius: I grieve because I hear you have died; and so farewell

O walls, you have held up so much tedious graffiti that I am amazed that you have not already collapsed in ruin

My lusty son, with how many women have you had sexual relations?

If anyone sits here, let him read this first of all: if anyone wants a screw, he should look for Attice; she costs 4 sestertii.

Samius to Cornelius: go hang yourself!

If anyone does not believe in Venus, they should gaze at my girl friend

To the one defecating here. Beware of the curse. If you look down on this curse, may you have an angry Jupiter for an enemy

We have wet the bed, host. I confess we have done wrong. If you want to know why, there was no chamber pot

What a lot of tricks you use to deceive, innkeeper. You sell water but drink unmixed wine

The finance officer of the emperor Nero says the food here is poison

Gaius was here – the oldest graffiti, dated 78 BCE; found in Pompeii.

Vote for Isidorus for aedile, he licks cunts the best

i fucking love human beings.

#history #ancient history #ancient rome #text #pompeii

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petermorwood · 7 months

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In Pompeii almost 1950 years ago, someone scratched a graffito on wall:

XIII K. Maias panem feci. (On April 19th I made bread.)

Hodie XXVIII Septembris, etiam panem feci. (Today, 28 September, so did I.)

It was put off from yesterday in case Storm Agnes caused a power failure right in the middle of the bake (though any half-risen failed loaf can always become an ingredient in soup...)

NB, the "burnt" toasty top isn't a bug, it's a feature. This style of loaf calls for a very dark crust, which smells wonderful, as the scent in our kitchen would tell you.

It tastes great too, as I plan to reconfirm once the loaves are cool enough. :->

#food and drink #breadmaking #pompeii graffiti #today I made bread

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something-in-the-seas · 10 months

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It’d be funny as hell for a Rome game if one of the optional missions was to find all the graffiti messages around the city. Imagine Atreus being like “oh, neat! Lore!” only to read: “Chie, I hope your haemorrhoids rub together so much that they hurt worse than when they ever have before!”

“We have pissed in our beds. Host, I admit that we shouldn't have done this. If you ask: Why? There was no potty.”

“On April 19th, I made bread.”

#god of war #god of war ragnarok #atreus #mimir would find it absolutely hilarious #these are actual graffiti found from Pompeii by the way lmao

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scotianostra · 1 year

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The poet Edwin Morgan was born on April 27th 1920.

The Scotsman newspaper described Morgan (as) "he most dynamic, brilliant, free-wheeling poet around, endlessly accessible and inventive" and I have to agree!

Morgan is one of the poets associated with the Scottish Renaissance. He is widely recognised as one of the foremost Scottish poets of the 20th century.

An only child, he attended Rutherglen Academy and the High School of Glasgow, before studying English at Glasgow University. During the Second World War he registered as a conscientious objector, before serving in the Royal Army Medical Corps, mainly in the Middle East.

He resumed his studies in 1946, and the following year began lecturing in English at Glasgow University. His first books – original poems and translations – appeared in 1952.

Edwin Morgan produced an extensive body of work. Endlessly curious and open-minded, he experimented with the language of machines as well as translating from a variety of European languages. He was a poet who was willing to give a voice to everything around him, whether it was an apple, the Loch Ness Monster, a cancer cell or the source of the Big Bang.

Edwin Morgan became a professor at Glasgow University in 1975, and retired from full-time teaching in 1980. In the 1980s he also began publishing with Glasgow’s Mariscat Press, notably Sonnets from Scotland. In 1990 when he turned 70, it was then he came out publicly for the first time as a gay man.

In the 21st century, and his eighties, he continued to write and publish prolifically, enjoying collaborations with young musicians. In 2004 he was appointed the first Scottish Makar by the Scottish Parliament.

Edwin Morgan marked his 90th birthday in April 2010 with the publication of a new collection of poetry, he died a few months later, on 19th August 2010.

'I love the poem here, where he has a wee pop at Rabbie Burns.

James Macfarlan by Edwin Morgan

'A man's a man for a' that' – how does he know? Traipsing with his plough, the rural hero, Swaggering down the lea-rigs, talking to mice, Sweating his sickly verses to entice Lassies he'd never see again, strutting Through the salons in his best breeches, rutting In a cloud of claret, buttonholing Lord This, sweet-talking Doctor That, bowling His wit down levees, bosoms, siller quaichs – D'ye think he's ever heard the groans and skraighs Of city gutters, or marked the shapes that wrap Fog and smoke about them as if they could hap Homelessness or keep hunger at bay? What, Not heard or seen, but has he even thought How some, and many, and more than many, survive, Or don't survive, on factory floors, or thrive Or fail to thrive by foundry fires, or try To find the words – sparks scatter and bolts fly – That's feeble – to show the new age its dark face? The Carron Ironworks – how he laughed at the place, Made a joke of our misery, passed on To window-scratch his diamond-trivia, and swan Through country-house and customs-post, servile To the very gods from which he ought to resile! 'Liberty's a glorious feast,' you said. Is that right? Wouldn't the poor rather have bread? Burns man, I'm hard on you, I'm sorry for it. I think such poetry is dangerous, that's all. Poetry must pierce the filthy wall With cries that die on country ways. The glow Of bonhomie will not let the future grow.

#scotland #scottish #poet #translator #glaswegian #glasgow #makar #history #literature

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lesbianjoannaharvelle · 1 year

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Happy Breadsday, Jo

[super silly little JoCassie drabble ♡]

"Hey, did you know there is a bread day?," Jo asks, not looking up from her laptop screen.

"Huh?," Cassie asks while pouring herself a cup of coffee.

Jo reads out loud: "On April 19th, I made bread - Latin graffiti from Pompeii's gladiator barracks."

Cassie takes a sip from her mug. "That's not entirely correct though."

"Huh?," Jo asks.

Cassie shrugs. "That is the Julian Calendar. For our calendar it would be April 7."

"My birthday?" Jo grins. "That's cool. I love bread!"

Cassie smiles. "You sure do."

"Wait. How the fuck did you know that?"

"Are you serious? Last week you ate our entire garlic bread on one day - and we bought that for the party on Thursday-"

"No, I mean the calendar thing."

"Ah." Cassie shrugs again. "I just know random stuff like this."

Jo nods, leans forward onto the kitchen counter and rests her chin on her hand.

"You're so smart," she sighs. "And pretty."

Cassie swats her arm with the newspaper that she always reads with her morning coffee. "Shut up," she say with a smile.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

"Good morning, my love," Cassie sings happily when Jo enters their living room.

Jo yawns, rubs her eyes - and then stops dead in her tracks.

The dinner table is full of bread. Mixed wheat and rye bread, whole-grain bread, potato bread, rolls, baguette and - of course - garlic bread.

Jo is speechless for a moment.

"Happy bread day!," Cassie says and gives Jo a hug.

"What the -?"

"Also happy birthday I guess," she says and kisses Jo quickly on the lips.

"Is that all for me?," Jo ask, still bewildered.

Cassie nods. "Yes." She kisses her again and then mumbles, "Happy Breadsday, Jo."

Jo starts laughing. In fact, she has to laugh so hard that her and Cassie, still hugging, almost tumble to the floor together.

"You're so silly," Jo says and kisses Cassie again.

"I know. And you love it."

Jo looks at her and smiles. "Yes, I do."

Cassie smiles back at her. "Now let's eat all this bread."

#Can you tell a german wrote this?#I saw that post and got possessed by my german breadmaking ancestors #So have some super silly jocassie ♡#My fics #jocassie #Josjoyousbday

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jbaileyfansite · 1 year

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Jonathan Bailey interview with the Evening Standard (2021)

There are worse places to conduct an interview than a park, and at least it’s only drizzling.

The only problem is that people won’t leave Jonathan Bailey alone. Which is to be expected, of course: he’s in Bridgerton, the most-watched original Netflix series in its history, viewed on 82 million accounts in a month since it dropped on Christmas Day. Wait. Did I say people? I meant dogs. They snaffle at his heels and rub against his legs while the humans remain impervious. This is because, devoid of his mutton chops and tailcoat, the 32-year-old actor looks a world away from Viscount Anthony Bridgerton, brother of Daphne; lover of Sienna; friend and foe of Simon, Duke of Hastings.

Today he’s dressed in a nylon jacket and sporting very different hair. ‘Bit of a spoiler for season two — I’ve had a light perm,’ he smiles.

And even if Bailey had spent the past two months in full regency costume, fame would have eluded him until lockdown eased and the usual signifiers — being hassled in restaurants, endless selfie requests — were back on the table. Until then it lies in wait, preserved in aspic.

Having spent lockdown thus far on the East Sussex coast staying home like the rest of us, Bailey admits the disconnect is confusing. ‘I feel like I’m being gaslit on a global scale,’ he laughs. ‘Even today, just meeting and talking to actual people who have seen the show feels weird. To me and all the British cast, it feels like Nasa. Netflix launched this spaceship, and you get launched into space. It’s a brilliantly traumatic thing to experience. The launch only happens once, and then it’s about tethering yourself and working it out. I think that might take a while.

‘The isolation of lockdown has been incredibly hard for everyone, but the isolation of feeling like you can’t inhabit the experience that other people are experiencing around you, while being locked down and not being able to see your friends…’ he tails off. ‘Presumably all it will take to shake it off is a big dinner, or even just having a few pints and going out.’

With a slew of TV parts under his belt (Broadchurch, Crashing, Chewing Gum, W1A) and an Olivier award for his role as Jamie in Company (2018), Bailey isn’t exactly an ingénue. But Bridgerton is one of those rare TV programmes that has bestowed fame on a global scale.

Produced by Shonda Rhimes and adapted from the historical novels of Julia Quinn, Netflix’s genre-busting costume drama reached the top 10 in 189 countries, thanks to a sharp script, lavish costumes and racially diverse cast that saw actors of colour inhabit the highest echelons of 19th-century society in a way that had never been seen on screen before. That this high society is presided over by a black woman, Queen Charlotte (Golda Rosheuvel), might be diversity divorced from any historical context, but the alternative — another costume drama inhabited by white people — has never felt more wrong.

Bailey auditioned for the part in 2018 while appearing in Company, sending off a tape to Rhimes’s production company, Shondaland. ‘I got offered the job on my 31st birthday, 25 April 2019,’ he recalls. Filming started in July 2019 and ended in March 2020, narrowly avoiding any impact from the pandemic.

‘For me it feels like a lockdown anyway when I’m working, so it’s a long time since I can remember normal life.’ Has he been he a banana bread-baking stereotype over lockdowns? ‘I made more than banana bread,’ he laughs. ‘I started with banana bread but went on to cinnamon rolls, although they looked like turds — terrible. But I made amazing hot cross buns.’

The million dollar cliché: what did he learn about himself? ‘I feel more complicated than I thought I was,’ he says. ‘And then I’ve been affirmed by certain things. I did a lot of cycling between lockdowns, in Cornwall and around Italy last summer — pure recharge, pure perspective. Nature is so important. I know everyone’s saying that, and that some people can just keep going flat out, but I know I need to recharge. And I love a bath. I’ve had weeks where I’ve had a minimum of two a day.’ He suddenly looks horrified. ‘Actually, that’s awful. Don’t put that, ’cause it’s wasting water.’

Barely has ‘what did you miss the most?’ escaped from my lips and he exclaims, ‘Theatre! Not just theatre, but the possibility of theatre. But then, I’ve been watching really brilliant theatre creatives smashing it on TV instead.’ He points out that Bridgerton cast members Rosheuvel, Ruth Gemmell, Adjoa Andoh and Luke Thompson are all regulars on the stage. ‘We should be proud in Britain that there’s a massive crossover between theatre and TV. It’s not a semi-permeable membrane: it’s all one talent pool.’

Could the Government be doing more to support theatre? ‘Absolutely. It’s just the people who are making the decisions; if it had been someone who loves theatre, and understood the importance of it, this would never have happened. There are certain things in life where you go, “That’s a marker”, and the [2019] government campaign about Fatima having to retrain in cyber was one. That was a wound that will take a long time to heal. And the other marker of a moment is Ruth Sheen’s performance in It’s A Sin [the veteran actress had a cameo as a hospital visitor who took Keeley Hawes’ character to task in the final episode]. The last year hasn’t been about Christmas and Easter. It’s been about markers like those.’

Bailey has been described online as ‘openly gay’. I point out that no actors are ever described as ‘openly straight’, and he laughs. ‘I’d say I’m not openly gay. I’m just gay.’ Although he is wary of discussing his sexuality for the sake of it. ‘Then it becomes a commodity and a currency. I knew that I wanted to be visible about my sexuality, because in all the territories that Netflix goes out in, there might be a boy somewhere that goes, “Wait, what?” Which is what I didn’t have when I was young. All I know is that I’m happy to keep working really hard and if there are opportunities for representation, and to make that point, then that’s something I’ll always strive to do.’

Like just about everyone else, he loved It’s A Sin. ‘It was an incredible way to talk about an awful pandemic, and an absolute tragedy that so many people will be triggered by it. In Ruth Sheen’s character, you have a heterosexual woman who is mother to a gay son, challenging another mother. I found that rage incredible. The gay fantasy isn’t just hanging out in bars and meeting men. The gay fantasy is to have guardian angels of allyship.’

He’s hesitant to say whether he agrees with director Russell T Davies’ assertion that gay people should play gay roles. ‘It’s a big old conversation and one I’ve spoken to Russell about, and many other actors. But it’s really hard to give a sound bite to sum up.’

I tell him I don’t want a sound bite. ‘It’s about redressing the balance of access to roles. There just aren’t that many gay roles, so when straight actors go to take that space up, it’s eliminating the chance for other [gay actors].

‘We know there has been a history of needing to be closeted to succeed and be famous, especially in acting. And the idea of not being able to believe heterosexual relations and narrative, if you know one of the actors is gay… everyone should be able to play absolutely everything. But let’s blow away all the cobwebs, and one of the hang-ups and shadows of the past is that we need to be a lot more open to the idea of sexes playing different sides. There have been amazing performances by straight people playing gay and by gay people playing straight. It’s a moment to think about that, and I think Russell’s point was that there’s a vitality and a joy to It’s A Sin because he cast gay people in gay roles. That’s completely true. It’s not a bad thing to own your narrative.”

He is glad not to have received any flack for playing a straight role such as Viscount Anthony. ‘Bearing in mind the internet is a place where anyone can say anything, there hasn’t been anyone who’s had any animosity, or challenged it, so that’s good. Yes, I’m looking forward to gay actors playing gay parts, but for me it’s so important that everyone at home can see a bit of themselves on screen, to allow them to feel heard and seen, and also allow them to have aspirations.

‘Good actors can do anything, and there’ll be amazing writers who are willing to write for everyone. If there are people who don’t have access to creating their own TV shows or telling the stories they want to tell, then absolutely, everyone has to make space for them. That’s not just to do with gender or sexuality. It’s to do with race, religion and everything else.’ He pauses. ‘The idea that someone could read that and go, “God, that’s just a woke viewpoint,” I find really funny. It’s just basic sense, isn’t it?’

Another dog — this time a cockapoo — launches itself on Bailey mid-flow. ‘We have a family cockapoo. I looked after him in Lockdown 1,’ he says. ‘That was a real baptism of fire. He ate a sock. A full sock. It was a Muji sock. Stripy. And then it came up again three days later.’ What’s he called? ‘Benson, after the village I grew up in.’

His sounds an idyllic childhood. Brought up in Oxfordshire, he eschewed drama school for an Open University degree. Neither his parents nor three older sisters have anything to do with acting, but his interest was sparked as a child after watching a production of Oliver in the village hall. He joined the local drama club and also pootled around at the back of the class while one sister did ballet. ‘I wasn’t really invited, but I remember having Velcro trainers and just squeaking in the back and trying to do some pliés. I stopped dancing aged 12 because of the inevitable narrative — peer pressure. Ballet became a euphemism for something else.’

Was he the sort of kid who always got the lead in the school play? ‘I did play Jolly Roger in Jolly Roger,’ he smiles. ‘But then I was taken down a peg or two when I played a raindrop in Noah’s Ark. You win some, you lose some.’

With Bridgerton likely to run for many more seasons, and Viscount Anthony’s storyline taking centre stage in season two (now that sister Daphne is married off, the plot will focus on his own romantic life), Bailey’s newfound fame isn’t going to dissipate any time soon. He has mixed feelings. ‘You work and strive to be an actor and you can get better at it and enjoy it. But you can’t be good at fame or enjoy it. Some people do, some people don’t. It’s a different cocktail for everyone. There are suddenly opportunities available, which is brilliant, and I’m incredibly lucky. But then I realise this is when people say it’s about saying no, because what you say no to keeps you on the path.’

What also keeps him on the right path is the role itself. ‘Bridgerton is actually delivering on changing the bar, and the standard, of representation. Because of that, I’ve had amazing messages from people who have been able to talk about their sexuality, or people who have seen themselves or their children in the Duke of Hastings [storyline]. For me that’s the thing that’s always going to ground [the experience]. It’s a candyfloss juggernaut theme park ride — like multiple sensory overload.

‘So thank God for family. Thank God for friends.’

Source

#jonathan bailey #jonny bailey #interviews #interviews:2021 #evening standard interview 2021 #i just love this interview so much

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altruistic-meme · 4 months

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which tattoo are you thinking of getting (yes this is me baiting you into thinking abt it more) 👀👀

(enabler 👀)

i want to get a tattoo for the "on this day, i made bread" graffiti in pompeii!!!! the idea is the roman numerals for the date: April 19th, and probably just 79AD for the year though bc we don't know exactly what year the graffiti was written and 79 was when Mt. Vesuvius erupted :D

and then, under the date I want a like. little drawing of a loaf of bread.

something like this:

#its very silly and simplistic but i adore the idea of it #itd also be on my arm..... somehwrre. near my elbow.#probably like.... the inner upper arm right above the elbow crease???#there is ANOTHER tattoo i want to get on the back of my arm but that's probably later :'))#i still don't really have much of the actual style of that one planned heart the vague idea #anyway #HGHHGG #i shouldn't. i shouldn't.#but i could #askers #daylightsimon #shh ac

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lazytowncontent · 2 years

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Things I can't stop thinking about #7

A bit of context for this one, there's an Icelandic site called bland.is that's meant to be used as a site to sell stuff on but they have a discussion section that sometime can be used for just random discussions.

NOW, there was this one discussion that mentioned something that I find to be so fucking funny.

So, y'all know about Radio Latibær? it's a radio station meant to play lazytown songs in Iceland as well as other children's songs.

youtube

That's one ad for Útvarp Latibær 102.2

WELL, that discussion, made on the 19th of April 2007, was about a mother that was hanging out with her young daughter listening to the radio station... and then she got confused and upset and had to turn off the radio station... because this children's radio station... was playing the Icelandic version of You'll Be a Dentist from the Little Shop of Horrors.

YA KNOW, THE SONG THAT TALKS ABOUT GETTING BEAT BY YOUR MOTHER, PUTTING PUPPIES IN SOUP, SPREADING GOLDFISH ON BREAD, SLICING A CAT'S NECK... ALL IN THE FIRST PART OF THE SONG??? Not to mention the moaning at the end D:

youtube

Now, I don't know if it was actually the version with Stebbi that they had on there or the one with Laddi (which is the original and slightly more popular one in Iceland).

But I find it even funnier if it was the version with Stebbi, because imagine listening to a radio station where you have this one guy singing about being a funny villain disguise man, or a lazy scout or like a goofy pirate... then hearing THAT afterwards, LIKE??

Poor Robbie Rotten getting mistaken by the fucked up pervy dentist 😔

The discussion on bland.is: https://bland.is/umraeda/utvarp-latibaer-ekki-vid-haefi-barna-/6294434/

#lazytown #but also #not lazytown #stefan karl #stefan karl stefansson #stefán karl #stefán karl stefánsson #little shop of horrors #Youtube

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lover-of-many-things · 11 months

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For hundreds of thousands of years, humans have sought to establish the fact that we exist. Alongside the very first cave paintings, there are handprints. What else are those handprints but an onus? A signature beneath the painting before words existed to claim it.

In Ancient Egypt, entire monuments were built for pharaoh’s, their names and likeness’ decorated throughout their tombs and pyramids, because to be remembered was to live on in whatever life comes next.

In Ancient Rome, there was graffiti carved into the cement. “Hercolanius is dead”. “On April 19th I made bread”. Just as we still do now.

The need to establish the fact that we exist, that we were here, that we lived, is something so fundamentally human it precedes language. It goes back to the very beginning.

So now I look at this new age. This age where we were given the most connection we have ever had with each other in all of our existence. We were all given the opportunity to make something, even if it was a single post, just to put out into the seeming void to say “hey I’m here! I existed!” Something that everyone can look back upon, even when we’re gone, just as humans have always done. The closest thing to immortalization we can achieve.

And now, these companies are taking that away from us. Two years of inactivity. A month. Entire lives will disappear without a trace. One of my best friends died five years ago. His Twitter will soon be gone.

Important, significant, cultural and pop-cultural events and videos will be wiped from the future’s memory and lexicon.

They are stealing our immortality. They are separating us from our humanity. Others will look back to us in the future, and there will just be a decades long void.

Our graves will all be empty. Anything for a cost cut. We did not exist.

#I’ve just been thinking a lot about what Google and Twitter have been deciding to do with inactive accounts #and I couldn’t fall asleep last night #so this is a kind of stream of consciousness thing #writing #my writing #stream of consciousness #they steer us away from the physical #“everything is digital now. there’s no need anymore for anything else. everything can be stored in the cloud.#and then they just decide to erase it all #just because they can #decades of human history #of human beings are being erased #and forgotten #this is an anthropological nightmare

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aethergeologist · 1 year

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today, april 19th, I made (banana) bread

#bread #food #ancient rome #internet holidays

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s-omething · 1 year

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today is january 10 in 2023 and i thought i’d be happy by now. that i’d feel at home and alive. turns out “home” just feels like some kind of extention of myself: if i’m good, it is good. if i’m not okay, it rots with me. it isn’t filled with friends, laughs, cries, conversations, connections. no one comes, i sit in silence most of the time, looking at nothing. i have been distant, but at some point i make all efforts i could of reaching out and i guess my heart broke, i dont think friends want anything to do with me tbh. i cant stop my mind racing on what i might have done wrong, i came up with too many answers without proof. i thought i’d be less lonely, not more. i believed my dogs would be happier, now it just seems like i ruined their lives with my melancholy. i buy the food i like but i still dont feel like eating it. i still drink myself to sleep sometimes, and sometimes drinking doesn’t do it either, the anxiety stays there, turns into anger. i don’t have fun. i am writing this today because i’m supposed to be learning to read my feelings, understand and accept them and work on communicating them, honestly it just feels like im getting it all wrong ‘cause i take too long to make it make sense and the answer is that im making drama out of small things. i dont understand that, considering i soothe myself, do not show much emotion, control what comes out and swallow the most of it when i need to talk about it. i try to be practical and direct so they wont have a negative reaction or judgement out of it. i think im bending to melancholic loneliness again and it’s terrifying. i have to be careful if i get sad because if it wins over me i might not get out of bed or eat or clean, work, pay bills, take my dogs for enough walks and just end up failing. im not supposed to fail, im supposed to be happy, im home with my dogs and i am free. am i cursed? why isnt it working? its already been 2 months, i was supposed to be okay. cooking isn’t fun anymore, i just drag myself to do it so i dont starve or get sick. while i cook i just resent myself in the fact that i will have to actually eat it later. it makes me anxious. i dont want to cook anymore. turns out food will rot if you dont eat it, and i hate wasting food, it makes me anxious as well. i made everything look the best i could, decorating as id like and now i absolutely hate it, to the point i avoid looking at details too long. i have this urge to make things disappear if im not using them, it feels like too much, like they are not only standing there in the house, but standing inside my brain occupying space i don’t have. it doesn’t take too long, if i haven’t used something in a week, it starts to haunt me. it’s been 6 hours. i finally had some bread, i had to, i could not open the bottle because of my weak ass hands. i should cook real food, i know that, i can’t stop thinking about it. there’s one meal left in the fridge and then im out, no meal. but i should have eaten it yesterday, its diner time today and i still couldn’t. being honest here, i dont miss the way things were at all, i absolutely hated it and it was hell. i do miss my friends, i miss having people around, i miss having hope and plans. i daydreamed about what future would look like, now im in that future and everything is real but turns out im still me. maybe ill just never be okay. it’s not that im not satisfied with my accomplishments, its not its just i got here, yay.. now what? i dont want anything, thinking of wanting something makes me anxious, i dont... want to want anything. see, if i wanted all of this and i got it and im still a sad piece of shit, what’s the point? contini tastes like my 19th birthday. i drink it and feel the exact same feeling from that april 14th in 2018. i dont want anything from the future, i dont know how to accept help cause it honestly feels like torture, i love my friends but im certain i already lost them, i only listen to one song per day, repetely thinking of changing into something else, listening to various songs or anything like that makes me want to rip out my skin on overwhelm. should i go back to anti depressants? i hate them, i hate being numb, i hate that they don’t make me happy or sad or angry or anything but empty. i absolutely will not do without orgams. i kinda wish someone would beat me up so i could focus on something real and not stupid feelings that are just inside my brain yet having the power to paralyze me. i just need to cook some fucking food. maybe you can’t have friends correctly if you have depression, maybe i should just cook tomorrow.

#ordered mcdonalds

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