#on my way to a higher education

[blizardstar]

I may be having an Autism Realization

Like. Patterns are cool right??? Human pattern recognition is astounding and beautiful and part of what makes us unique? Shapes and Numbers and Words?

Seeing shapes and faces in the clouds and in shadows and in the bits of dirt and debris littering the world? How root woods connect and allow you to know the meanings of words you’ve never heard before? How the 9s times table goes 09 18 27 36 45 54 63 72 81 90???? How people an animals behave? The way speech and slang and dialect differs and yet can be so similar?

#babblestar #polls #autism #patterns #beginning to realize how undiagnosed autism… #may have sort of played a Significant Role in my youth as a gifted and talented kid #who then did NOT do well in higher education #that placed emphasis on applied knowledge #turns out maybe it’s not the gifted kid burnout #it might just be very autistic pattern recognition #i just like #realized this #kinda assumed it was like #something nerds appreciated #like the way pattern is part of human brains #the way language works #the way it’s an intersection of math and art #it’s everywhere #everything is patterns

[literallyaflame]

so basically “the gifted kid” is a smokescreen for increasing and/or affirming white privilege/white supremacy?

i’m not the right person to explain this at great length, so i won’t, but—intelligence testing has a long and complicated relationship with classism and racism. gifted (and other sped) programs rely on that testing.

that’s as far as i’m willing to explain as a non-expert, lmao. if you want to know more, there’s about 573857 pages of research/opinions/documented personal experiences available for you to sift through, both within and outside of ‘academic’ circles. here’s an excerpt from the abstract of a case study on the topic:

“We show how gifted and talented status meets the criteria of white property interests and is defended by recourse to law and policy. Efforts to improve identification of students for gifted services reveal that the implicit operation of these Interests is an important reason why identification practices favoring white and middle-class children have been resistant to change. Dismantling underlying white property interests in gifted and talented identification is a necessary, though not sufficient step, toward a more just educational system.” [DOI]

i haven’t read this case study in full—i’m just using it to point out that this is a prominent, ongoing discussion. in my opinion, this should be a much larger part of the “former gifted kid” conversation, but alas

#i was a poor kid and i only got shuffled into GT because of a very specific set of circumstances #my teachers were resistant to it lmao #all the kids they nominated themselves were white AND well off AND often had parents’ with good social standing #and because it was an overwhelmingly white & well-off bunch #it was a shitty environment for anyone else #by the end of it the kids who didn’t ‘belong’ didn’t pursue the advanced track in high school #meanwhile the kids in sped were basically getting tortured and the kids in between were subject to all kinds of nonsense #i can’t imagine looking back at all that and thinking ‘wow. the real evil is that i was held to a higher standard’ #like yeah it kinda sucked and i valued my academic abilities way fucking more than i should have #but #in hindsight i’m one of the lucky ones #*parents why the hell did i make that possessive smh #clearly my gifted education was worthless anyway /j

[cryptiduni]

signature skills

#hi hi. am back at my bullshit again & wanted to do a ​sillouette shape language practice instead of a proper drawing. am tired pftt #de timeskip kids: (→) cuno annette mikael c lilienne’s children [am not giving you a hint you’ll have to guess their sigs & tell me hhe] #[kinda easy enough except c maybe pfttt] #good cop. bad cop. not-really-a-cop-cop. not a cop at all. #good cop coz cuno worked more years and closed lot more cases. wildcard but useful asset to the rcm like harry. #snarky little stray. their own hound steadily trained. broken fingers on a criminal is nothing compared to rising numbers & kill count brag #bad cop coz annette not only because she just became a junior officer barely anything under her name. #she gets too emotionally invested in cases she get involved in and ‘‘wastes’’ too much time on a case. way too by the book & empathetic #mikeal is here mostly for the resume and to help out 41 due the staff shortage. he doesn’t plan to stay for long. #12 years and that place is still understaffed pfttt #c is part of the union & has her own lorry now. still has foul mouth & distaste for cops but she matured a bit. both mentally & physically #carter kids works lotta part time jobs & their economic situation is still quite rocky. #twins rather let their sister get to high school first but they don’t believe it’ll be their turn to get higher education anytime soon #so they just work their ass off almost everyday #disco elysium #my art #artists on tumblr #disco elysium fanart #i guess #disco elysium timeskip #disco elysium timeskip au #de timeskip #de timeskip au #kuuno de ruyter #annette plaisanse #disco elysium annette #mikael heidelstam #little lily carter #he wanna persue programming+engineering and entropenetics on the side #slaps on kims bomberjacket on cuno. LOOK HE IS WEARING HIS DAD’S JACKET.

[adolins-hair-routine]

Ok so here’s the thing.

I’ve been an adjunct professor for about two years now. Adjunct pay is shit. We cobble together classes at different institutions so that we have enough cash to pay our bills (and don’t even get me started on benefits…it’s like a contracting position & I’m lucky I have a spouse with health insurance).

Last semester I taught five classes and it was literal hell. I was full of dread every single day. When I wasn’t teaching, I was prepping for my next class, and when I wasn’t prepping, I was thinking that I should be prepping. It sucked and for months I had to just keep telling myself that it wouldn’t be forever, and I had no extra emotional capacity for, well, anything.

This semester, I only have three classes. And as I said, the pay is shit. I’m worried I’m going to spend more than I make this semester, & while I’m lucky that I have savings and a partner, it’s still stressful. BUT! My capacity to be a good professor is exponentially greater. I have the space to actually respond to my students and not just give them a grade. I can actually engage with the work they turn in and give them more individual feedback. I had a 30 minute meeting with a student last week because they were having some struggles, and I didn’t feel overwhelmed by it because I didn’t need to race to prepare for the next thing.

The obvious thing here of course is that we need to pay educators more so that none of us have to take on a huge workload in order to get by. We know that. But like, for real, the purpose of education isn’t just to churn out grades and degrees. My job is to create an environment where my students can experiment, connect, try different things, mess up, problem solve. My job is to really see the effort they put in and show them how they can stretch their intellectual wings. I can only do that when I’m not in survival mode. And as long as I need to bust my ass to make a living, I’ll be in survival mode. There’s so much I can say about the complicated inner workings of higher education institutions, but my point is that holy hell, I’m experiencing first hand what it’s like to have the space to invest in my work, and it’s got me reeling a little.

#personal #higher education #college #professor #and honestly my experience is so priveleged in so many ways and i still have to operate in survival mode #this sector is kinda fucked huh #rambles

[doctorweebmd]

well. congrats to me for being diagnosed with ADHD at 31 i guess lol

#........... #i mean #i suspected since i was in my early 20s #either way. i got prescribed some stimulants. this should be... interesting. #will let you know how things are going with my prescription meth #...honestly i think most psychiatrists would not make that diagnosis #i selected someone specifically who works with med students/grad students for that reason #because by virtue of doing/completing higher education most people would rule it out #but. you know. wont look a gift horse in the mouth

[bagilgulhaze]

Sorry but we're going through this viscous cycle of choice feminism > radfem backlash > choice feminism blacklash like every couple of years like it's an endless loop everytime in different flavors and I feel like it's so tiring we never get to like, collective normal understanding of feminism lol

#like postmodern feminism isnt even on the table as a way to frame anything idk why it never is like maybe my higher education experience #isnt universal but i genuinly feel that even in universities unless you study that shit specifically when genders mentioned theyre like yea #so youre either a radfem or a liberal gun to your head choose #those are the two frames of work i was ever introduced to academically (again i study law so they dont really mention feminism a lot) and #the only ones gaining popularity #online

[bright-eyed]

I think a lot of people don’t know how to write essays cuz they don’t know that essays are not just supposed to contain the information you need to make an argument, but also be engaging to read, maybe even enjoyable and creative. People not only understand an argument better when the writer expresses it creatively but also are more likely to agree. There’s also a lot of satisfaction in crafting an argument and connecting points together and expressing a belief and bringing it to light for other people to see. When you finish an essay and you know that you said everything you needed to say and those words flowed together coherently and beautifully no matter how difficult it was to hammer them smooth… there’s nothing more satisfying than that really

#i also think people don’t know because so few educators actually care about or understand the essay enough to teach it effectively #and this makes students hate them so they don’t try to learn themselves #i think a lot of educators even in higher ed think of essays rather cynically like they’re an uninteresting medium that you endure #because it’s a way of making sure your students are learning. which is unfair to the essay and also not true! essays can be beautiful #and they can be fun to write and read #which i’m pretty sure this is at least 90% of the reason any of my professors liked me #kennapost

[silenthillbunni]

🚬🧸🧃🎀

#anyway so yeah im so sick of hating myself. of missing out on things and being too scared to go after things i want when i have the chance #so sick of almost being 25 and having spent almost 6 years alone in my room missing out on life #and my mom and sister might be moving in the not too distant future #so i have to try to get my life together for real now!!! or homelessness will be awaiting me :D #what i will try to do.. is start going to the gym (w my mom so i dont have to deal w the anxiety of an unknown place by myself sksk) #i'll workout 3-5 times a week. every week. i like going to the gym so if i just get started i dont have a doubt i'll not be able to do it #i'll focus on finishing my english class. hopefully in december even if i have the possibility to get it extended a few months #then i'll start my other 4 classes in january #i'll be patient and wait for my ultrasound and get the gallstone situation fixed (latest in january if i need surgery) #(and i have to try to make sure i eat properly so i dont wind up with b12 deficiency... i cant eat anything without pain but i have to..) #also i have an appt at the psychiatric in mid october. and im still waiting on what my healthcare center says. hopefully i can get cbt #if possible i will really really try to apply for jobs as a personal assistant sometime between january-may #if i have a job instead of being on wellfare i will 1) have way more money 2) not feel constabtly anxious abt being rejected and homeless #i'll stop caring abt me being 'old' and a late bloomer. the planet is dying. who cares if im 28 and start university???? #i'll take my time to finish high school. and the thing is i really should get a job before starting higher vocational education #bc the program i want to start i HAVE to have a laptop. and theres no way i can afford that now. cant even save up to it #also need to find and put myself up on waiting lists for student housing/apartments so i can actually move #i hate this city and i need to get the fuck out of here!!!! #but the world is crazy rn and it's super hard to find places to live and find jobs but it's not impossible so i need to try #i cant live like this & i have no idea how tf i'll manage to be a normal person and have a life but i need to try bc what else am i gnna do?

[pepprs]

like at some point i have ti admit it to myself. it’s a 2am delirious ramble after a hard sad day. but i don’t think i like my job very much actually. i mean i do i love it and it was made for me and i made it for me too. but how come something that i love and was made for me and that i made hurts so bad and so primally? how can i like something that brings me so much stress and grief and despair so regularly?

#purrs #i think it’s just been a hard year and a long pandemic. but transience and institutional politics and hierarchy and ambiguity are things you #just have to deal with i. an education job / setting and yet theyre fucking killing me. they killed me as a student and they’re killing me #even more as a staff member. i don’t think it’s that much to ask. i just want to have all the people i love in one #place. and to be on the same page all the time. shoulder to shoulder. ts all ive wanted and it’s been 5 years of wanting it so badly im #mentally and in some ways physically sick from the lengths ive gone to get it. like it’s come at a high price and i have it except for when #i don’t which is a lot of the time. idk what im saying. i just… im doing it backwards. im not in higher Ed because i want to be a student #affairs professional or ride up the ranks or whatever. im in it because i love this specific organization and helped to make it from the #start and the only reason i want to rise up the ranks is so i have fewer and fewer reasons to (doubt i’ll) get shaken off. but it can’t ever #be the same as it was. i miss my friends. i miss life before covid and i miss life before july 5 2022. i miss futures i didn’t get to live. #and i need to get over it and just be where i am and be brave and strong and pull myself backup again and make new friends and grow. but its #fucking hard. and im tired. everything has sucked the life out of me #delete later

[jayteacups]

Don’t you just love it when you have a complete crisis over every tiny aspect of your life???

#because same #i just. I’m having one of those ‘what am i even doing here????’ moments #regarding uni #i just flip flop between feeling completely apathetic about work or straight up hating it. or feeling overwhelmed. #or feeling guilty for having these feelings at all. #because i worked hard to get into uni and it is a PRIVILEGE to be able to access higher education #and now im just tired. #im literallt the worst student i have zero time management zero motivation. zero brain power. #the amount of work i should’ve done akd should’ve handed in vs the amount i actually did is actually shocking. #everyone else can keep up with the workload and have a social life and i just don’t get it. at all. #i have so many unhealthy habits and i need to do something about it #like my unhealthy relationship with social media #addictive scrolling is obviously NOT GOOD and i keep doing it #and on Instagram just seeing other ppl i know live happy and fulfilling lives js just crushing. #everyone just seems so pit together and productive and also experiencing so many great things and im just there like 🥲 #I KNOW the comparison is unhealthy and nobody’s life is THAT perfect #but yet i can’t stop feeling that way. #my sleep schedule is fucked #and my energy levels as of late have been so low. chores have been a challenge #and i have way more of a social life online ljke on this account than I do irl #and i absolutely love u guys and interacting with u guys but I would like some more balance u kno? #am i burnt out? am i depressed? am i emotional bc im running low on sleep and am ill?? #it’s half 3 in the morning I should’ve been asleep ages ago but instead I’m just crying and coughing and overthinking. #i just. i am so fucking disappointed in myself. #this has been going on for quite some time now #and im realising i never really made any active effort to do anything about it. #and i should. #i just need to figure out when and where im gonna start. because im done feeling this way. #sorry im just venting in the tags. feel free to ignore.

[pussymasterdooku]

me uploading the last major assignment of my bachelor’s degree: and here is a 112-page transcript of a four hour interview with my wife. what about it.

#had to interview someone about their career it was supposed to be like an hour #but we took like. four. so. WHAT CAN I SAY WE LIKE TALKING TO EACH OTHER #it’s insanely funny tho like the narrative edited version is 33 pages so idk if any of my classmates will bother reading it #but it is. SO funny. she’s so funny. the transcript is extremely funny in a slightly different way bc it’s both of us but. #this is why people tell us we should have a podcast i guess!!! anyway because i also have to upload 4 hours of audio files i’m just.… #waiting for it to upload so i can go to bed #allie vs higher education

[mishkakagehishka]

But ig it'd be a disservice to translate the french, right

#it's been a while since i had my russian empire history phase #but i vaguely remember they had something similar to like. listen i can't describe it with any other word. weeabooism except for france #esp amongst the nobility and higher classes??? i guess it might have been a symbol of like class #education and all that #so i'd say it's important to leave things like that #it's on the same level as leaving the german in messrs glembays bc it paints an image #in a similar way. etc etc

[other-peoples-coats]

hit submit on the union survey about gender equality and just realised, with dawning resignation, that this is the first step down the path that ends up with me involved in chairing a queer focus group or mailing list or fuckin something.

#coats chats #join your local union #coats vs capitalism #look my union is decent enough re:queer stuff #but my last union had a whole sub-union of queers in tertiary education. so. my bar is much higher. #idk man I don't WANT to explain the 'ok so I use they at home because that's the closest aproximation to my gender #but [gendered pronoun] at work because I like not making myself a target and I'm already visibly disabled and queer #in a more socially acceptable way' #but. it's me and the one other nonbinary person in the building #so. here we go I guess.

[missshame]

I hate studying I just wanna create stuff and see the world I hate how little control I have over my life

#Let's make it clear I know I'm lucky to get higher education and I'm grateful for it + knowledge can be the greatest tool #It's just that medschool is killing me and there's just too much stuff to learn and I'm struggling so badly with it that at the end of the #day it feels like I'm not learning anything and I'm completely dumb and uneducated #I'm not even a good student but it takes all my energy and even when I'm not studying I rarely have the energy to do anything #The only thing I sorta do consistently is working out because it makes my brain shut up for a while and it helps the muscle pain I got from #All the stress and sitting at my desk/working long days at the hospital #Anyway I love complaining sorry #I just feel like I had /have a very creative artsy nature and I'm really suffering from the lack of it like not in a I don't have enough #time for my hobbies and to relax #Which is already bad enough btw I don't think it should be considered normal for anyone to be too exhausted to do anything outside of work #But I really feel it in a I'm not myself anymore it's hard to move forward and build confidence and a sense of self while having a life so #far away from what you love and feel like you need + denying yourself what you desire the most can't be good to your brain let's face it #Anyway long story short first thing I'm gonna do when I finally get my degree is by me some drums learn the guitar and paint on the walls #And in the meanwhile Idk do I keep living this way? If I do will I go completely insane? #Or do gift myself the right to give up on the idea of being a slightly less bad student and do I say fuck it and start living my life now ? #Idk! Idddkkk !!! #Oh my god

[pynkhues]

not sure if youve written abt this before but what is your take on the shiv/kendall/roman's pre show mental breakdowns that are alluded to?

Ah! I don't think I have written about it before, anon, so thank you for asking!

I've been percolating a bit of late on @waystarresourceco's recent posts which have indicated that neither Kendall nor Shiv went entirely to college in America, with Kendall having his EMBA from INSEAD, not Harvard Business School like many of us (including me!) thought (he did do his undergrad at Harvard though), and with Sarah talking about Shiv going to the UK for college.

I'm interested in that for a whoooole range of reasons, haha, but what I think is particularly relevant to your ask is that it sort of emphasises this divide between the four siblings, with Connor and Roman having been sent away as children, and forever fighting their way back in there after, and Kendall and Shiv being kept close as children, only really leaving in early adulthood, but also forever having a sort of mmm, close and given seat at the table as favourite son / heir apparent and treasured / only daughter.

After all, in many ways, both Kendall and Shiv were on the same path, right? Logan laid a map for Kendall which Shiv scoured and did her own variation of to try and best him at the journey. Kendall was groomed for a role, and Shiv was groomed to be a perfect daughter, only to decide she wanted to be the perfect son. The effect of it though I think was that both of them spent formative years under pretty stifling expectations, while both Roman and Connor were forced in their formative years to develop a degree of independence because they were pushed from the nest.

As a result, I do think Kendall and Shiv both tend to thrive within structure, and that they both tend to fall apart when that structure isn't there, while Roman and Connor have learnt to thrive without it, and struggle to exist when they're forced to live within it.

Because I think that's really the implication of all of their meltdowns - Roman's seems to have occured when he had to try and work under Frank in the LA office on projects he hated, while Kendall's and Shiv's both seem to have happened when they're too long left to their own devices. It's all spill, right? Just the context of their respective abuse means it leaks under different forms of pressure.

#i think especially that it makes sense too in like #mmmm #higher education is both this really huge and interesting space for social discussion and mobility and progressive thinking #but it's also absolutely a symbol of class and wealth #which i think checks out with kendall and shiv both possessing a progressive language #and the way they both like to think they lean left even when they just lean selfish #but how that space away from home out from under logan's thumb away from expectations #while also potentially facing up to some hard truths about the politics your father's made a fortune off #was probably a bit of a molotov cocktail to deal with mentally #and roman and connor would've faced that too but i suspect in different ways #i also think all four of them are socially naive which won't help with any of this #but especially shiv and kendall #which again is probably symptomatic of all of this right? #idk! i hope this makes sense haha i'm still on a lot of cold and flu meds #hbo succession #succession meta #welcome to my ama

[manic-pixie-dream-dude]

old hunter stuff from the depth of my files

#my chicken doodle doos #I like drawing him! especially in peril #I might scrap the first one... god I've had way too many ideas for this ep....... #I KNOOOOOWWW nothing I draw will be original and it doesn't have to but I wanna draw something regardless!!! #but I won't have time for them all 😔 #local artist denied blorbo fanart rights due to higher education. I hate it here.