#on the bright side im doing a lot better than last semester | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rommahh · 3 years

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Better

Word Count: 3.9K

Pairing: Buckybarnesxfem!reader

{This is for @metalbuckaroo's challenge. I had this brewing for a minute but college has got in a chokehold. I chose prompt #30 from the given prompt list. I hope y'all like this read. Love, R}

Bucky trailed behind Y/N as she ignored his calls. Her boots clicked loudly in the small hallway as she rushed towards their shared apartment. Her keys shook in her hand, body tense with anxiety and anger.

Bucky reached her at the door, his hands loosely gripping her arms. Y/N shoved the door open, her body snapping away from his. Y/N haphazardly throws her keys in the small bowl that sat on the hallway side table.

Her chest heaved with deep breaths as she tried to remain calm.

“Y/N please, what is going on? Why are you so mad?” Bucky questioned, slamming the door behind him as his own frustrations started to catch up with him.

“I'm going to bed.” Is all she said to him without even meeting his eyes. She was quick to enter her room and lock the door before he could say anymore. Bucky stood behind her door in confusion. His body still tingled with the lasting effects of the shots he took hours prior.

Sitting on your bed, Y/N finally released. Her shoulders dropped, her body hunching over itself as the tears started flowing.

Y/N had been looking for Bucky for what felt like hours. He was her ride back to the apartment and having been at this party for over four hours- she was exhausted. There was a twinge of disappointment that lingered in her caused by Bucky's disappearance. He invited her to this party tonight but quickly left her to her own devices the moment the both of them walked through the frat’s doors.

The house was mainly empty except for the few lingering bodies that were drunkenly wandering around. She climbed up the stairs that lead to a common room on the second floor. Y/N’s cute white go-go boots were tight on your feet, making her wince at every step. Fashion was a moment type thing, not a four hour long excursion.

Y/N heard a group of voices leading from the common room once you reached the top of the stairs. She listened out waiting to see if she could hear Bucky’s voice before walking through the doors of the common room.

“I don't know why you hang out with that girl Bucky.” Her ears perked at his name. Y/N almost walked through the door but she took a step back to listen to what they were saying.

“Yeah, shes fucking weird.” The group laughed. “I mean look at how she dressed tonight. She’s wearing a costume.”

Y/N looked down at her 80’s inspired dress with a frown. She thought she looked cute tonight, Bucky said she looked cute. She couldn't stop blushing after she heard his words.

“She’s a freak barnes. All she does is follow you around. Are you sure you guys aren't dating?” One of the boys asked with a chuckle. No one said her name yet but she knew they were talking about her. She could tell.

“Y/N’s not that bad. She just doesn't have any friends. I don't like her like that, not my type. She's got that weird anxiety thing.” Bucky's voice finally sounded out from the group. Y/N heart hurt hearing his words. Weird anxiety thing?

“Yeah, making her a freak. So you're just friends with her out of pity? Are you at least getting community service hours?” The group laughed again, Bucky's deep laugh standing out to Y/N.

“You have a lot of strength for a man who's not getting any ass from the girl he's keeping company with. Shes weird as fuck but her body is still bangin. Have you ever copped a feel of her tits? I would hang out with the loser if I got to fuck her too.” Someone commented. Y/N felt bile rise in her throat. She could feel a panic attack approaching having heard the sexual comments about her body. She stepped out from around the wall into the common room. All eyes snapped up to her, some eyes widening in shock. Bucky just looked up, not catching on that his roommate may have heard the horrid words said about her.

“I-im ready to go home, Bucky.” She hadn't looked up from where her feet were rooted on the stained wood floors. Bucky slowly wobbled up from his seat. The rest of the guys watching quietly, some snickering at Bucky's submissiveness.

“Here sweets, you're gonna have to drive.” Bucky says handing his keys over to Y/N. Without looking at him, she snatches the keys from his hands and quickly retreats to his car. Bucky stumbles behind her confused by her attitude.

Y/N walked to Bucky’s car, arms covering whatever they could cover on her body. Her mind telling her she was unsafe, her anxiety telling her even worse things.

Bucky eyes burned from the headache he had. He felt physically ill as he woke up from the living room couch. Last night's activities blur in his mind, no clear memories presenting themselves. He sits up to rest his forearms on his knees trying to calm his bubbling stomach.

The first thing he notices as he comes to his senses is the lack of Y/N’s noise. Normally the small apartment would be filled with the sounds of her sunday playlist as she cleans about. He also doesn't smell her extra dark and strong coffee that she only makes for sundays. He doesnt smell her out of the can cinnamon rolls either that she would normally wake him up with on a small tray with said coffee.

He finds it odd that her presence is lacking in the apartment. Standing, he makes his way over to her room knocking on it slightly. He hears shuffling from the other side but no one comes to open the door.

“Hey sweets, everything ok?” He knocks again to gain her attention.

“I-Im fine Bucky, please go away.” She stutters out to Bucky. Bucky is shocked by her statement not used to being pushed away by her.

“Oh ok, just let me know if you need anything.” He says quietly.

Y/N remained the same way over the next few days. She rarely came out of her room when she was in the apartment leaving Bucky on his own. She stopped making him meals out of kindness or filling up his canisters of water for workouts. She stopped baking him treats as midday pick me ups. She didnt wait for him to get out of classes so they could gossip about what was going on on campus. She didnt bother him at all.

Bucky felt uneasy about Y/N’s silence. He was hurt by her sudden disappearance. Hurt that she could just ghost him without any reason. But there was a reason, Bucky just didnt remember.

Y/N sluggishly walked into the apartment after taking an extensive exam in one of her classes. She tried to walk quietly throughout the apartment to not catch the attention of Bucky. She walks softly on her feet close to the opening of the kitchen.

“Hey.” A quiet voice makes Y/N jump in her spot. Her mission of going unnoticed failed. Bucky leans against the kitchen counter that is parallel to the opening of the kitchen. His feet are crossed in front of him, hands holding a cup of tea.

“Hi.” Her tone matches his. She turns her body to face his, hands fidgeting with each other. She slightly moved from foot to foot, a trait that had been acquired out of nerves. Bucky recognized her tic, his heart constricting at the thought that he might have done something to cause it.

“Y/N, please, what's going on?” Bucky can see that she's not wearing one of her normal outfits that are adorned in bright colors and fun patterns. Instead, her body is covered in a boring sweater that hides most of her body. She wears a large pair of jeans underneath, a belt tightly bounding it to her body.

“Nothing Bucky.” She dismisses. Bucky feels his anger peak. A range of emotion he tried to hide away breaching over its point. He missed his best friend beyond belief and all she could give was a few words.

“It's not nothing Y/N!” He snaps slamming his mug of tea on the counter. Y/N flinches at the sound. Her hands start to shake, not out of fear of Bucky but from unwarranted anxiousness. “I've given you your space but its killing me. I miss you Y/N. I dont get what happened?”

Y/N feels her eyes well up with tears.

“You hurt me Bucky.” It was Bucky’s turn to flinch hearing her words. He hurt her?

“I don't know what I did though.” His voice sounded childlike as he whined.

“At the party, you let your friends talk poorly about me. You-you let them call me a freak and-and weird. They made fun of my clothes and said you were hanging out with me out of pity and you just sat there and laughed James!” Her voice rose with every word. Bits and pieces of that night float around in his head. He can slightly remember the conversation but nothing is clearly showing in his head.

“I'm sorry they said that Y/N but you know that's not true. We both know our relationship, I don't know why you're letting them get to you.”

“They talked about my anxiety. You talked about my anxiety!”

“That's it? That's why you're not talking to me?” He exclaimed throwing his hands in the air.

“You let them sexualize me!” The kitchen filled with an uncomfortable silence. Bucky’s exterior softened.

“What?” His tone was drastically softer than it was earlier.

“You just sat and listened to them as they talked about my body. They talked about my boobs and if youve had sex with me and you said nothing. They said that they would hang with the loser if they could fuck me...How could you let them say that about me?” Y/N whimpered. Her hands cradled her face as she sobbed. Bucky saw the way her chest heaved with each sob, tears forming in his own eyes.

“I didn't know. I wouldn't have let them say those things sober. You have to know that.” He almost fell to his knees pleading for her forgiveness.

“You even said you wouldn't date me. I know its stupid but I thought you liked me back. You told me you loved me. You've taken me out on dates. You've kissed me for goodness sake!”

“I know and I'm sorry. I do like you, I don't know why I said that. I like you so much.” His knees buckled slightly but he held his ground.

“Obviously you dont Bucky. We should just stay away from each other from now on and I won't be renewing my leasing contract at the end of the semester.” She finalizes. Buckys whispers a small no in protest. “You really hurt me, Bucky. I would never let anyone slander you. I respect you too much to allow for someone else to disrespect you.”

With that being said, she gave Bucky one last look over before walking away. Bucky was knocked out of his thoughts at the sound of her door slamming shut and the lock being secured.

Bucky sat on the kitchen floor, the cold tile seeping through his pants to chill his legs. His face adorned with a frown, tears sliding down his warm cheeks. Y/N was his best friend and he ruined it by being a shitty person. He knows he should have defended her, defended their relationship.

Bucky’s rolly chair was his only source of entertainment at his desk in the lobby of the admissions office. Today was a slow day. There were only a few students who came in asking for help finding buildings or looking for the financial aid office. Some high school student came in for tours but his coworkers beat him to doing tours so here he was stuck in the quiet office. He had already stolen a large amount of guest snacks, a cold bottle of tea and a sugar cookie with the school's logo on it.

His chair spinning activities came to a halt when he heard the front door open with a small jingle sounding from it. He took a moment to let the dizziness fade away before he looked up. Bucky felt his breath stop in his throat.

There stood a girl with overalls and a bright colored top. She wore dark green converse, high tops, with frilly socks that peeked from the top. She had large glasses that framed her face perfectly. She was looking around the office, eyes wide with wonder. Her eyes finally met Bucky's, making a large smile appear on her face.

“Hi!” She exclaimed walking up to Bucky’s desk.

“Hey, what can I help you with today?” Bucky asked cooly.

“I just transferred here and I was wondering if you knew where I could apply for on campus jobs?” She placed her hands on top of the counter of Bucky’s desk. He admired her baby blue acrylics that had white flowers on them.

“Oh um, the admissions office is hiring. We do all of the tours for highschool students, or package and mail acceptance letters. Sometimes we plan scholarship events. It's an easy pay type of job. I just sit here and do homework my whole shift.” Bucky answers. “What's your name so I can get my boss to contact you?”

“Y/N Y/L/N.” Bucky quickly scribbled your name on a post it note and stuck it to his laptop as a reminder. “Do you really like this job or are you just trying to pull me in?” She jests with a small smile on her face.

“I mean it's a decent job but im sure with you working here it would make it ten times prettier.” Bucky smirked at the giggle that escaped Y/N. He wasn't normally a flirt but he couldn't help himself with this one.

“Oh really? How many times have you said that line to a girl?” Bucky put a hand to his chest in a fake offense.

“You think too low of me Y/N. I saved that one for the prettiest girl to walk through the door.”

“Hmm, ok. I'll believe it only because my ego needs this boost. Hey, you never told me your name. How am I supposed to write about this encounter in my journal if I don't have your name?”

“My name is James but I prefer if people just call me Bucky. Short for Buchanon, I know it's weird.” Bucky leans back in his chair, arms crossed. He can see her eyes checking out the way his muscles flex underneath his long sleeve shirt. He may have purposefully flexed a little extra for show.

“No, I love it. I dont think ive ever met a Bucky.” She counters. She leans forward, placing her elbows on the counter, her chest pressed against the front of the counter.

“Well I'm glad I'm your first Bucky.” He jokes with a small smile on his face. There was a small moment of silence shared between the two as they just looked at each other. Bucky couldn't help but think about how cute she was as Y/N thought the same thing.

“Oh gosh, I'm probably holding you up from your work.” She snaps out of her little spell rolling her eyes at herself. “I should get going.”

Bucky frowned at the idea of her leave, wanting nothing more than to continue talking to the new girl.

“Right, of course. Maybe I could get your number...so I can notify you about the job.” Bucky proposes. Y/N raises one eyebrow in question, a knowing smile placed on her lips.

“Sure thing bucky.” He hands her a pen and post it for her number. “I wouldn't be opposed to you using this number for things other than work too.” She suggested. She signed her name on the post it note ending it with a small heart.

“I will definitely take you up on that offer. No take backs though when I start sending you random shit.” She giggled, leaning up from her spot. Bucky basked at the sweet sound. He stood up to meet her on the other side of the desk.

“Well Bucky, it was lovely to meet you.” She stuck her hand out for him to shake, he reciprocated the action. Her hands were soft and warm, he thought. She gave him one last smile before walking away.

It was warm outside on the quad as Bucky sat by himself. He sat at the table that would normally be occupied by Y/N and him. Y/N would bring lunch- made by her. Anytime Bucky would try to help her by making lunch she would kick him out of the kitchen. Today, Bucky sat by himself, with no hand made lunch. He had a greasy bag of french fries and a large coke. He planned on eating his sorrows away.

“Hey Bucky!” A voice yelled out to him. Looking up from his fries, Bucky looked towards the sound that broke him out of his fries excursion. Tanner and Logan, his friends from the party, came walking over to him. They both sat down, throwing their lunch onto the table.

“Where's Ms. weirdo?” Tanner asks, mouth full of food. Bucky grimaced at Tanner's manners. He also felt the anger he should have felt on Saturday bloom in his chest.

“She's not weird.” Bucky snapped, fists tightening in his lap. Tanner scoffed, Logan laughing along with him.

“Says you. She is fucking weird. Did you finally get some from her or something? Defending her and shit.” Logan clapped Tanner on his back agreeing with him. “Shit, good for you dude. I would have fucked her a while ago. Probably would have kept her face down so I wouldn't have to see her-”

Before Tanner could finish his sentence, he was thrown from his seat from the powerful punch being landed on his jaw. His feet flew from where he was sitting, landing on his back with a heavy thud.

“Dude what the fuck?” Tanner stood wiping his face from the blood that started to trickle down from his bloody eyebrow. Bucky had never felt anger like this before. His heart was racing, his breathing labored. His cheeks were red and warm, eyebrows turned down.

“No, you don't get to make fun of her and make sexual comments about her.” Bucky snarled. Tanner rolled his eyes, walking closer to Bucky.

“Oh fuck off with that! You didn't defend her this hard on saturday.” Tanner's mistake after his words was shoving Bucky's shoulders back. Bucky reacted quickly by shoving Tanner with even more force.

Tanner threw a punch to Bucky’s jaw, making his head fly back. Bucky tackled Tanner to the ground, throwing punches left and right. Tanner fought back, hands flying landing punches wherever he could land them.

Logan was able to pull Bucky off of Tanner, warning the two that campus police would arrest them if they were caught. Both boys stared at each other fuming. Bucky snatched his trash and his backpack up, the scowl never leaving his face.

“If I ever see you looking or talking to Y/N, I will bash your face in.” Bucky growled.

Y/N felt better today. She found the strength to wear a cute outfit versus the oversized clothes she had been wearing prior out of fear. She didn't want anyone to look at her in any harmful way. She wanted to wear her cute outfits that were sometimes form fitting and short. She liked to wear her cute period pieces that had her own twist on them. She spent many years hating her body and the way she looked. She deserved to feel cute without thinking she is at fault for being sexualized and poorly treated.

She whipped out one of her favorite outfits today, loving the way it fit on her body making her feel confident. Sitting at the front desk of the admissions office, her feet propped up on the desk. Her shift was going by slowly, no one needing assistance this late in the day.

The door burst open making Y/N jump from her seat. She stood up shocked to see Bucky walk in with a huff. He wasn't supposed to work today but here he was. Y/N gasped looking at his cut lip and bruising eye.

“Bucky, what happened?” She maneuvered her way around the desk to stand in front of the beat up boy. She placed both of her hands on his cheeks to examine his injuries. He moved his face away from her tears brimming his eyes.

“I'm sorry Y/N. I'm really sorry. I should have protected you from them. I should've told them not to speak about you that way. You are more than some eye candy for men to act disgusting towards. You are beautiful and eclectic. You have a brilliant mind that shines brighter than anyone elses on this campus.” He spoke to her softly.

“I don't understand Bucky. What made you have this change of heart? You didn't give two shits about me last weekend.” She crossed her arms defensively.

“I know and I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe it was the alcohol but that's no excuse. I love you. I love all of you. You're not weird. You're your own person and I love everything about you. You do so much for me and I feel like shit for not doing the bare minimum for you.” His words stunned her.

“You love me?”

“God, with everything I have. Since the day you walked in here with those overalls. I've spent the past four years loving you.” Bucky whispered. He grabbed her hand, thumb rubbing over her knuckles.

“I love you too, Bucky. I really do and I'm hurt. I don't think the hurt will go away for some time. You let them speak horribly about me. If you loved me like I was your girl, you would have defended me.” She spoke sorrowfully.

“I know, I know. I can't change the fact that I did nothing but I can tell you that I'm sorry. I'm always going to protect you. I did today. Tanner may be sporting a nasty goose egg on his eye because of his dumbass words.” Y/N giggled softly, touching his bruising knuckles.

“Thank you, Bucky.”

“I want to go back to normal. I miss you in the mornings and-and during our lunch breaks outside. I miss you.” Bucky stated.

“I miss you too.”

Bucky watched her eyes drop down to his lip, busted and all. He leaned forward slightly hoping she would meet him in the middle. She met him the rest of the way pressing her lips to his. Bucky relished this moment. He relished to be even sharing moments with the girl he's been in love with since the second he saw her.

“I'm gonna be better, I promise.”

#metalbuck's 2k writing challenge #college!bucky #james bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky angst #bucky x y/n #james buchanan barnes

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thesquareinthecircularhole · 3 years

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hey stupid, i love you [MCYT: Dream x GN!Reader]

song: hey stupid I love you by jp saxe

warnings: fluff

im pretty sure i made this an gender neutral as possible but if there is an error lmk thanks bby :*

im in a simpin mood bby

as always, song lyrics in italics

i skipped a couple versus due to repetitiveness oops

this is the one i complained about losing, but it actually worked out bc i like this one better...less wordy

word count: ~2k

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nothing's wrong, and it's not what I'm used to Oh, does it surprise you too? When it's simple, is it easier than it should be?

"Hey babe, are you okay? You've been quiet today," Dream practically pouted as he asked you. He loved the sound of your voice and while you definitely weren't giving him the quiet treatment, you sure weren't as talkative as you normally are.

"Yeah, I'm good. Just distracted thinking my thoughts." You smiled at him and leaned against him. He looked down at you and pecked your lips. You gave him a sweet kiss back. The smile he gave you made your heart boom. Loving him was as easy as eating a cake (because the usually analogy 'baking a cake' isn't true, its sometimes hard to bake a cake, especially when a hungry streamer keeps trying to eat the batter or start a flour fight).

"Anyway, don't you have a stream with the Dream Team to get ready for? One that starts in," you look at the clock on your phone, "three minutes ago?" The slight panic that crosses Dream's face makes you laugh loud. He gives you another kiss and in less than five seconds has practically launched himself across the house into his recording room. Your laughter follows him the whole way, a smile and blush upon his face.

Nothing's wrong, but when you're not in my arms I send voice notes, you send hearts And get quiet, and I know that means you miss me

Okay, granted, you were the one to remind him that he was streaming with his friends today and speedrunning, but you didn't expect it to last well over five hours. At the beginning you worked on your classwork for your [college degree of choice]. You got it done quickly, as it was nearing the end of the semester and most professors of yours were laidback and wanted you to study more than write nonsense papers (fictional you, i'm so jealous). Occasionally you would jump in fear when you heard Dream shout, still not used to it after years.

After finishing your classwork, you started cooking dinner. Soup was the vibe for the evening, and you had found a wonderful chicken and dumplings recipe a while ago that you wanted to try. You did have to go to the store for some of the ingredients, but luckily it only took you an hour. You can back and he was still streaming. It took about another hour for dinner to be done. You let it cool and prepared yourself a bowl. You set your laptop up and started watching Dream's stream. Hearing his voice made you miss him, so you pulled out your phone.

Going to the two of y'alls messages, you started making him a voice message.

"Hey baby, I made dinner, so don't play so long it gets cold. I love you! Kick the enderdragon's ass baby! Mwah."

You continued watching him stream, and he took a pause for a minute, his screen not moving from the create a new world screen and his mic muted. A couple seconds later you got spammed with every heart offered in the emoji index times what felt like a thousand.

He continued being quiet for a couple seconds, although he did unmute and continue playing, answering George's and Sapnap's questions of where he went with, "I had to take a message."

You're jealous, you shouldn't be I want you obsessively But I know how complicated it can get When you're not in front of me I know insecurities get in your head

Chat sometimes upset you. Sure, you got Dream, all of him, but sometimes the comments made by some of the more obsessives fans were a bit to much.

'With the way he killed those mobs you know he's got good fingers'

'His voice is hot so he must be'

'Heyo dream baby lemme see them feet'

Okay the last one was more weird, and actually turned out to be a joke from Quackity but anyway moving on.

He was your guy, and he promised himself to you, but sometimes he seemed to have a genuine connection with some of the sweeter and not gross ones. It made you scared that someone, one day, will swoop him off his feet with a comment and he’d leave you for them.

But I'm not gonna interrupt if you need to talk about it Roll my eyes, get offended by the way you doubt it You know you're mine, you just forget sometimes So promise me you won’t And you know I'll remind you when you think I don't

The stream ended a little under an hour later. Dream left his recording room, grabbed a bowl of soup, and found you in the living room, lost in thought. He plopped down right next to you.

“Talk to me baby.”

“About what?”

“Anything and everything.”

“Okay.” You’re quiet for a bit, despite his offering of listening. He knew you were gonna take him up on the offer, you just needed a bit of time, so he was going to wait patiently. He finished his soup quickly, he was much hungrier than he thought. He put the bowl on the coffee table and before he was all the way leaned back on the couch, you were leaning against him. His arms wrapped around you, your head was tucked in between his head and shoulder, and a blanket covered the both of you. You looked towards the blank tv screen but felt his eyes on you.

“I love you a lot. And I know you love me too, but I’m afraid I’m not enough. You have so many options, especially with your popularity online. I don’t know what I’d do if you left me, whether it be for someone else or just because you’re tired of me.” Dream waits for you to stop entirely, with you breathing heavily.

“Well, you’re right about one thing. I do love you, a lot. The rest of it is wrong and I’ll spend the rest of time telling you so.” Dream says, pressing several kisses against your forehead.

“Yeah I know it’s stupid to feel this way, but my anxiety gets the best of me. It’s stupid, I’m stupid.”

“First of all, you’re not stupid. Second, hey stupid, I love you.”

Nothing's wrong, I just get in my head too Can you reassure me you, you're still in it? I just wish you could lean in and kiss me

As much as Dream loved you and reassured you, sometimes he would get caught up in his thoughts too. The life of a streamer/youtuber, especially one with as much fame and subscribers as him, was rough. The constant need to feed his fans with entertainment and content, and the need for the content to satisfy his fans was stressful. He hates to admit it, but he some days he spent to much time working and not enough with you. He thinks you would be so much happier with someone without a tight schedule and without a large, intense fanbase. Any random person on the street would be better for you than him, he thinks.

When he gets into this headspace, the only thing that grounds him is your lips on his. When you kiss him, the clouds go away and all he can see is your eyes, as bright as the sun, and your smile, which can tempt even the purest.

Say nothing's wrong, tell me to settle down You do it better than I've ever known how Won't pull some tricks for attention But could I get a little now?

Now, everyone knows that Dream likes some attention. He especially likes attention from you. Good thing is you also like attention, especially from him. The not so good thing is both of y’all get distracted so bad, it’s almost too funny.

He tends to get your attention by tickling you, whether it be in the comfort of your home or in public. One day, when you guys were walking through town, you stopped at a flower booth and got to talking with the friendly and flirty florist gentleman. It had been a couple minutes, and Dream was really needing some love, but you continued chatting with the florist who was definitely going to ask for your number but you genuinely thought he was just being nice. Dream crept up behind you and placed his hands on your side. You froze for a moment and looked at him, confused. The smirk that crossed his face barely gave you a second to prepare as he tickled your sides. Your laughter filled the street as you turned around as he tickled you. You wrapped your arms around his neck, which got him to stop ticking you, and gave him a kiss. The two of you continued on your way, attached at the hip.

And one day, when you wanted his attention, it was after he was done recording a manhunt with his friends. The actual video had been done for a bit, but they were just fucking around in the minecraft world and talking to each other. You had had a not so nice day, and wanted the crushing weight of your boyfriend on top of you. You crept into his recording room and came to stand right behind his chair. Based on the conversation you could tell he wasn’t recording anymore, so you knew it was safe. Your hands started in his hair, trailed down to his face, and slid down his body till your arms were wrapped around him snuggly. Your head was placed on top of his.

“What are you doing?” he asked, and received no response. Instead, you began aggressively shaking him and the chair, turning it this way and that, making him slightly dizzy. His laughter filled the room, and he quickly ended the call. The two of you spent the next 12 hours cuddled in bed, leaving only for the necessities.

You're jealous, you shouldn't be I want you obsessively But I know how complicated it can get When you're not in front of me I know insecurities get in your head

Dream got jealous as well sometimes. You were beautiful and a lot of the time attracted the attention of random passerbyers. Those people, who you don’t even know, who lived normal lives where they didn’t have to spend every second worried that their face will be revealed to the public and suddenly all their fans from around the world will know what they look like or the general area in which they live, who don’t have to obey algorithms and bend to the will of the masses to make sure they get paid enough to live, who could give you a normal and safe life. Every time one looked at you with some attraction, he pulled you a bit closer and kissed you a bit harder.

But I'm not gonna interrupt if you need to talk about it Roll my eyes or get offended by the way you doubt it You know you're mine, you just forget sometimes So promise me you won’t And you know I'll remind you when you think I don't

Sometimes, Dream needed to rant. A long, hard, intense, rant. Sometimes it was about how someone accused him of cheating his speedruns. Sometimes it was about how someone said something nasty to him or one of his friends. Sometimes it was about a comment someone made about him or you that got on his nerves. When he needed to talk, you sat there and you listened. You did whatever he needed to get better, whether it was just listen or talk to find solutions. You did it because you know he would do the same for you. And afterwards, a cuddle session was a must.

How could you forget? I told you seventeen times before 7 AM I love you How could you forget? I told you seventeen times

The morning after rough days were one of the bests. Arms tangled together, legs tangled together, everything tangled together, no one able to tell where one started and the other ended. Lazy kisses pressed to faces, hands, necks, any part of skin the lips could touch. One particular morning you woke up earlier than he did. A quick kiss against his cheek woke him up, and he gave you the most love filled smile any man could do.

“Hey stupid,” you said, “I love you.”

#mcyt #mcyt x reader #dream x reader #dreamwastaken x reader #fluff #songfic

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warmau · 4 years

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☆ [nostalgic] summer romance!au taeyong hbbd to our beloved leader! | find others here: johnny | haechan | taeil

mark is giving you a quizzical look from over the counter, fingers tapping against the register

“taeyong? no, i haven’t seen him. doesn’t he usually disappear during the summer?

mark is right

taeyong does tend to vanish just as the weather gets warmer and there isn’t an excuse of class or work for him to make his presence known

you heard rumors about how his parents send him abroad to some kind of family owned estate, vast and beautiful and far away from the mundane place you call home

everyone is always saying he’s hiding something. that something, everyone whispers is money

he has to be rich, no one else has the kind of luxury of having a summer long holiday to the other side of the world

but you doubt it, if his family is so loaded, taeyong wouldn’t be spending the rest of the year sitting across from you in physics

you’re sure wealthy kids can afford something better than public schools

“actually......”

you look up and mark takes of the uniform hat he’s supposed to wear for his job at the local burger joint, he scratches the top of his head and then snaps his fingers

“i did see him not too long ago, maybe - on monday? he was standing next to his bike in front of the trails.”

“as in the forest trails?”

mark nods, he looks like he wants to say something else but the voice of his manager makes him scurry to the back with a final a wave

you take the medium soda you ordered, the ice melted and the cup wet under your fingertips

whats taeyong doing going to the mountains all alone?

its getting dark by the time you make your way halfway through the trail, you know mark said he saw taeyong monday and its been three days since then

but you just wanted to make sure, even though you’re here and you haven’t seen one other person through the trees

finally you think you should turn around and go back - but you look to the side and spot a bike leaned up against a mossy, large boulder

its off the trail - so its kind of creepy - but you inch just a bit closer, close enough to see taeyongs name scribbled on the middle bar, below the seat

the clouds are slowly and surely coming in over the light blue sky, so now its just going to get dark and rain

but you think just exploring for another five or so minutes cant hurt

you push past some bushes and wander until you finally pull back some branches from a sagging old willow and see the entrance to a small, but open meadow

in the middle of it - someone is splayed out and reaching up toward the sun

“t-taeyong?”

his hand drops and turns his head, the last droplets of sunlight flicker off his skin

he doesn’t say anything for a while and neither do you

until he sits up and asks you what you’re doing off the trail

you know you can ask him the same thing, but something stops you from stringing the sentence together

instead you feel the darker clouds grow heavy in the sky and soon enough you feel the drizzle

“i just got lost’

you lie and taeyong stands up from the meadow, pointing behind you

“we should go before the storm comes all the way in.”

taeyong leads the way back to the main path, grabbing his bike as you two make way back down to the opening of the forest

you sort of fall behind him, eyes on the broad of his back

you want to make conversation - but you dont know what to say

once you reach the end, the rain has gotten stronger and you ask taeyong if he wants you to drive him back to his place

motioning shyly to your car

he smiles, and even through the darkening weather, it seems to make his face glow

“that’s alright, thanks.”

and then he hops on his bike, his figure smaller and smaller as he rides down the road

you watch it, getting drenched in the process, but something about seeing him makes the rain feel like nothing more than morning dew

you go back to the meadow the next day, earlier - closer to noon - and taeyong is there

at first you tell yourself: stop being weird, just turn around and leave him alone. you might have had classes with him but its not like you two were even friends! hes going to think you’re crazy for showing up here again!

but something inside you refuses to let you give up

you clear your throat and call out to him

taeyong doesn’t turn his head this time, in fact he doesn’t move from where he’s flat on his back in the middle of the grass and wild flowers

panic sets over you and you rush over, knees hitting the ground as you hover over him

his eyes are closed, but the corner of his mouth twitches a bit at the small sound that you make

he’s just sleeping.

you realize, tracing the godly lines that make up his almost impossibly handsome face

he manages to look magical even like this.

“hello?”

taeyong’s eyes are open now - lazily, amber browns staring up at you curiously

you jerk your head away and feel your shoulders stiffen

what do i say? what do i do? he must think im such a freak-

“are you lost again?”

his sits up, propping himself on his elbows and looking at you innocently

“n-no! i just - i um - since i know the way now. i mean i saw your bike again. i just - um-”

the words get tangled in your mouth and so you give up and taeyong doesn’t look as annoyed or as angry as you expect

he just smiles, the same smile he gave you when you two parted ways last night

“a-are you always here?”

you blurt out, trying to compensate for your lack of an answer to his original question

taeyong nods, “i am always here.”

“everyone thinks you go abroad during the summer, b-but you’re really here right?”

its weird that you pose it like a question, so you laugh it off in hopes he wont catch on

but taeyong turns his eyes back toward the sun and falls back against the pillow of flowers

“nope, i dont go abroad. im right here.”

you look up at the sky, nothing special about it, just bright and blinding like any summer days

you wonder how he doesnt get bored just ........... laying here and looking up at it

“people in town like it though.”

he suddenly adds and you shift so instead of sitting back on your heels, you’re laying down beside him

its the closest you’ve ever been to him and you have half a thought he might shift away uncomfortably when your elbows brush but ..... he doesnt

“like what?”

he pauses, a long pause and you almost think he isnt going to answer as your eyes trace the wings of a butterfly that pass by

“they like that i disappear. i think they like it better when im not around.”

you sit up, confused and look at taeyong

“but people are always talking about you-”

“right, but i dont think that means they like me.”

he follows the same butterfly you were just looking at and you try to think of a counterpoint to argue

but you cant

taeyong is the most talked about person in your town, from his statue like looks to the rumors circulating about his familys wealth

but

youve heard the jealousy-induced whispers too

you cant lie and say you havent

you carefully lay back down and take a second in the silence of the forest to think

“i like you.”

you hear taeyong turn his head but you’re nervous about saying it outloud and so you can’t bring yourself to read the expression he might be making

“i dont know much about you, but .......... i think i like you. we had one class together last semester, physics and you would always help me and other people. sometimes i wanted to ask if you wanted to come with me to go get lunch but i was-”

you’re rambling, your aware so you stop

but taeyong whispers,

“but you were?”

now you turn to look at him and you’re surprised to see the usual glassy far-off look in his eyes has turned serious

“i was sc-scared? i just thought you wouldnt care to ......... hang out with me?”

you think your palms are sweating and you hide them in your pockets, taeyong is looking at you - really looking at you - for the first time ever and it stirs a feeling youre not used to in the pit of your stomach

“i would have loved to.”

his voice is faint, but there’s no one else but you and him, so you hear him clearly

you giggle, a nervous habit, and then swallow it down

“well - now i know. ill invite you when- when the summer is over.”

he turns back and closes his eyes, the sun basks down on him like the grace of a goddess

nothing else is said. when it starts to darken, and your hungry stomach makes a noise that keeps you embarrassed

you and taeyong walk back down the trail. you offer him a ride again, but he says now and rides off with a smile

you get into this habit now, you get to the meadow - earlier and earlier - hoping one day to beat taeyong to it

but he’s always there before you

you also start bringing lunch and when you first offer half of the sandwich you’ve made to taeyong he looks too shy to take it

but on the third try, he gives in

you also..................talk a lot more with him

and realize you were right, taeyong is as kind as you had thought him to be

and his gentleness isnt lost on you from how he helps you up from the grassy meadow when its time to go - to how he talks in a small voice to forest creatures that scamper past you two

you never thought you’d end up spending your whole summer off the trail, laying around beside lee taeyong

but not a day of it feels wasted, even though you both do ultimately nothing

one evening, as you’re walking down the trail, you both come to a stop in front of the mossy rock that taeyong’s bike should be leaned up against

except that its gone

and for the first time - due to circumstance - taeyong accepts the ride back home

the car is quiet, as are the streets that you drive through to get to his house

suddenly, without any thought you ask taeyong;

“do you sometimes go up to the meadow because you want to disappear?”

you glance at him in the rearview mirror and see hes already looking at you

“not just because you think others want you too?”

his lips thin, but his eyes don’t flatter from yours

“yes.”

you nod, shoulders tightening a little as you focus your own gaze on the road

“a-are you ok with my company?”

you make a turn and are worried by the silence that follows. taeyong’s house is coming into view and you realize he could just get out without answering you

but when you come to a stop, neither of you moves a muscle

you let your hand drop from the wheel and just as it does, taeyong catches it

his fingers are warm and his palm is soft you let out a small gasp and turn to see he still has his eyes on you

“im fine with it.”

a dust of pink comes over the bridge of his nose and spreads down onto his cheeks

“im fine disappearing with you. no one said i had to do it alone.”

that feeling in the pit of your stomach that you get around him sometimes seems to bubble and burst into a flurry storm of wings and glitter inside you

your eyes move on their own, skimming down his face to his lips in an anxious line

holding his hand is different from all those times you’d lay elbow to elbow with him

and thinking about kissing him..................is a jump over a fence higher than just the thoughts youve had about getting to know him better

you think your shoulders shake and taeyong looks like he wants to lean in

but the lights on his porch flicker on, and he says he’ll see you tomorrow

his warmth leaves your hand, but right as he steps out of the car, you scramble over to the passengers seat

one hand on the window and you look at him

“h-how will you get to the meadow, without your bike?”

he startles, but frowns

“right,i think i can walk ther-”

“i can pick you up.”

taeyong smiles, this smile - as soft and as sweet as the rest - is just a bit more......happy.

“ok - can you come by at around nine?”

“i promise to be here.”

he hesitates and you cant believe you’re about to say this, but you do

“want to seal it with a kiss?”

he looks over his shoulder, his front door hasnt opened yet

he leans down and its a little awkward and weird, but its cute and when you break away you wave goodnight to him

and he trips over the sidewalk as he waves back

the next day, when you two are laying back in the flowers

you turn to him

“is it ok if we re-do our kiss?”

he laughs, “i wanted to ask too, kissing through a car window is a bit-”

you dont let him finish, rolling over to take his face in your own - you feel that smile of his on your lips

when summer comes to an end and taeyong shows back up in town, everyones gossip stirs back up

where’d he go this time, franc? italy? thailand? australia?

no, the only place he went - you want to tell them - is to the forest, and to that meadow, and to the center of your heart

you slip your hand into his when he comes to greet you outside one of the classroom

and all of the gossip dies at the tip of peoples tongues

even now all these years later

when you and taeyong want to “disappear” for a little while

there’s a secret space, just for you two

let everyone else think you’re off in some other place - some other country - some other continent

disappearing together, is way better than disappearing alone.

#taeyong scenarios #taeyong imagines #taeyong au #nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct au #no i didnt think of this just because i literally ate up all of twilight today i literally already had this planned #nct 127 scenario #nct 127 au #nct 127 #lee taeyong #sfw

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seedleaflesssapling · 3 years

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Ver 2.0? Turning Point?

I can't really identify to which point in my life that i started to doubt myself but im pretty sure that it was because of UP. Damn, that school, my uni. It do really have the ability to make you feel small; i was in a disadvantaged side when i entered it, you know. I was acquainted, no we did not really talked one-on-one, but i heard when we did introductions - Pisay, UP High, science comprehensive schools, Xavier University, who wouldn't be intimidated by that when you came from Col. Ruperto Abellon National School (who would know where that is? I was lucky enough for a teacher recognized it and my classmates be like 'ahhhhhh,' .....really?! I dont even know where xavier is, it just sounds cool). Another thing is that, i wasn't a stem shs graduate - a leverage(?) or excuse (?) that i always use for them to know that i am at disadvantaged side here, not their competitor, probably a NOBODY. They, being stem graduates, have capstone projects you never thought that they have at that age, but i would hear them saying that it was publish in this journal (whatever, idk the journals lmao, i dont even understand their studies 2nd lmao, but that was some smart shit you know, a shit that makes me feel pathetic for being too proud of my what? Correlational study from inconsistent surveys?!!! Wtf, wtf, wtf). But it was a very good peer pressure you know, i kinda turned it that way. Being left behind, being on the rock bottom, i have no other place to go but up. It wasn't the goal, like making or taking the top spot, i just need to survive.

Inevitably, the exams came. I had hard time adjusting chem but math was kind to me. Who would have thought that i would get two 1.0 at my math subjects for the first semester, the sem that i thought i would barely pass. I was even a CS for that sem. Who would have thought? Our first chemical engineering subject that involves computations was on the list the next semester and the first exam, out of 100 i got something like 20ish. WTF. THAT WAS MY FIRST FAILED EXAM. but no, never did cry but tears were flooding inside. So apparently, i have to focus more on this subject and i did. Some were still failing, but i raised my average up. We also had physics, my first ever physics. I really love physics that time or that sir rommel is just a very good professor. I got the highest score on our second LE, everybody else did fail. Small victories. Not that they lose, but i just won. But i heard one time they were talking about me re: passing the physics exam and even getting a high score. They were uhm.. a guy i really look up to cause his good, the other was a girl that idk but i think she didn't like me back then. They were friends but eventually the girl transferred uni because who cares why. i heard the guy saying something like sin.o gid na si franklin nga taas iya score man, maybe even worse than that, i still look up to the guy even until now. But wtf. I really took it in that time, like i wanted to cry but did not. With all that, i got a fair grade at physics. I still got 1.0 at maths that sem and even maintained being on the CS list. S M I L E. BECAUSE WE HAVE A MIDYEAR CLASS. VERY EXHAUSTING FOR SOMEONE WHO DONT WANT ANYTHING BUT JUST ADJUST, SURVIVE, AND FIND MEANING OF BEING A UP STUDENT. It was just one subject and it was math, but i got 2.0?!!! I have no excuse to that, i am very grateful for the family who accommodated me. After midyear class, i did got sick, it sucks, really sucks. I wanted to file an LOA for the next academic year, it is the only thing i can think of for me to go back on track (i haven't said that my parents pushed me to graduate with latin honor and i wanted to also for my resume to look good because everything else in me is effed up). I really wanted to pause and be free for a while but i also wanted to graduate on time (mostly because i want to give the bitches who dared to have expectations be put on my shoulders not the satisfaction, but the audacity to tell them 'i aint did it for ya') so i asked mama. THANK GOD, SHE DID SAY NA KUNG ANO LANG KAYA MO, AMO LANG DA IH 😭😭🤧🤧 so i enrolled, but went to school late, haven't attended the school opening but all is good. I did kind of reset, just enough for me to face school again.

Second year, it was fucked. I did really love coding on octave and doing sheets at ms excel though. On that year, we have formed the che 103 bagsak group. Together with two of my classmates on 103 and math 55, we became buddies after failing che 103 on the first LE, another 30 over 100 exam hahahahaha. We made bawi just enough for us to pass the subject hahahahahuhu. I have thermodynamics sub, i barely pass. Thank G na wala ko nag removal. If ever i did, i am so sure that i wont make it. My GWA for that sem was not enough for me to be a CS. Who cares? I still did, actually but mama was never been too pushy since then, even since after midyear, after getting that 2.0 grade from the only subject i am good at. Btw, my math 55 for first sem, second year, was 1.25. Not a 1.0 but still, it's good. Second semester that year was when pandemic hit so there's nothing much to tell. I was, sorry but i was really, glad to be away from school for a while, not until for a while became forever. Virtual university set-up was very hard. With too much from taking in whatever i see and hear on my surroundings, even just at home, everything is difficult. It is very hard to find motivation and discipline in studying when i was surrounded with people who do nothing. Even to this point i am writing, everyday is like a battle, but is mostly an internal one. Self vs self, a war no one knows who will win. So the confidence, the tower of knowledge i did build, exponentially went down. I did really well when i was in grade 10, i did my best that time and it can be seen at the achievements i had that year. Being consistently on top 1 the whole year, placing second on division MMC (even getting the highest score on the written elimination round for the whole cluster), doing well sa physics under maam andico, placings on cluster journalism competitions - it was like a record best, best record (?) Whatever. But it wasn't enough you know, i eventually came fourth like wtf. I had read from somewhere Newton saying like the two years when he did write the three laws of motion and the calculus stuff were the two best years of his life, and it kept me thinking that what if mine already passed? That it was when i was in high school?

But, back when i was in school, every time that i was belittling myself or even at random times that i would feel nervous for nothing, my classmates and close friends would say na:

Uno mo man ang Math, uno mo na na (it was a one or two time thing, what if chamba lang to???)

Ikaw man highest sa first le sa thermo (it was really an absolutely one time thing, i barely passed that sub)

Alam ka man sa physics (i was just invested on physics and maybe nachambahan lang na ang ginpractice ko solve kay parallel sa exam ni sir)

Alam ka, d ka lang confident (OKAY???!)

I was ignoring those shit cause who cares if i did really good that time. Yeah, it felt good but it wasn't fulfilling. Satisfied but not happy. But with recent events, i think i would be changing. This post will be a written contract that i will push to be better, to start trusting myself, and build that confidence glow behind me; to believe that i am bright and i can hack it, whatever it may be.

For coherence, i would itemize na lang all of the events that brought me to epiphany lol

It was Friday, 17 Sep, when Dean, in our plant design subject, gave an activity for us - to come up with solutions that would address problems he presented. 1 off grid island community (either you address the water, electricity, and phone reception/signal problem under a 100k budget) and 2 vinegar packaging with a 500 mL volume and should cost less than the cost of vinegar. The due's on Monday, 20 Sep. The challenge is that you should come up with an idea that is not the same with those who already turned in their proposed solutions. I haven't turned in mine until Sunday afternoon. We are 23 in class, hence there should be 23 proposed solutions for each problem. However, only 20 or 21 turned in their solutions and as a student who decided to do it three days after the sheet was given, i was at the second to the last of the entries hahaha. I have limited choice since a lot have been proposed. And ngl, i did entered my idea for the first problem at Sunday evening and for the second problem it was on the afternoon of the next day. Those were basic solutions cause who am I? Am just your basic guy.

Tuesday, 21 Sep (#NeverForget #NeverAgain), class again for plant design (PD). Dean discussed stuffs which im ngl, i did not listen because im bored (not until he said 'we'll have a 5-min break and we'll have a quiz after that' like wtf, how will we do our quiz???!). After the short break, I did study cause i panicked as hell, he presented the prospects of the course, that we will be divided in groups and that the leaders were chosen based on the solutions they turned in the activity previously given. So there's no quiz, i was calm the whole time after that until my name was called. Like wtf??! Your basic guy will be a leader???! Hello!!! So i chat people, asked them if it was a good thing (course it was!!!? So dumb right?!). And then, i asked another leader and she agreed to my argument that we should only be divided into six instead of seven as what dean has decided. So i chatted dean (pic below). I just accepted the role half-heartedly.

As leaders, we should be hiring people for our team and we should make pubs. I dont have a canva account to help me do pubs. I made mine at MS ppt HAHAHAHAHAHA but im good so its cute. We were assigned with projects and i get to have the 4-member team. The vacant roles were project maven and liaison officer for a 3-member team. In my pubs, i included scrummaster as position to be filled, cause who am i to lead?! So yeah, that's it. I did the pubs Wednesday and I submitted my resume Thursday (third to the last hahahaha but my resume's cute hahaha).

Thursday. So i had this invite by a classmate to join the Shell event long time ago. He was reaching out for someone to ask Dean for his approval because Dean did not replied to the email he sent. So, i volunteered. I really want this competition cause this will be my first and maybe last competition as a UP student. So i DMed dean and blah blah blah he asked for selection process. I relayed the message and apologize to them for being me because i was thinking that it was me who made him come up with the decision of having the team be selected. Like, wtf i was just asking for his approval. Getting kicked out of the team was not my intention. Those whom i chatted that night were telling me that it wasn't my fault blah blah blah. So i half-heartedly agreed to them.

Friday came, yesterday, the interview. I am very anxious for someone who will be the one asking the applicants lmao. I already have been interviewed before for college applications and somehow remember the feeling, nerve wracking, whatever. To calm my nerves, i listed questions which i never got to ask properly btw, but at least i have concrete ideas on what to ask. The first interviewee was my very closed friend and so we just laugh and laugh and laugh HAHAHAHAHA. IDK if dean saw it but who cares. And the next and next and next. 3:30 passed by fast and guess what??? YOUR BASIC GUY HAS THE MOST NUMBER OF APPLICANTS TO THE POINT THAT DEAN CUT MY LIST. IT WAS EXHAUSTING BUT VERY FLATTERING. I FEEL SO HONORED. i really thought and very scared at the thought that no one will apply to me but wtf, just wtf. Ranking my applicants was damn hard. 1 i have a dream team but one was cut by dean; 2 this could make my friends mad; 3 this will be the group for the whole year; 4 i am really exhausted. But still, i submitted the list. I was hoping for the people i chose to choose me back. Only two out of three did, i am forever grateful.

Still on Friday, the classmate who invited me to the Shell thing and Dean had a zoom call and discussed about the competition. That classmate told dean what i told him the other day that i might be the reason for the decision of having the selection process done. He told me this through a voice memo, katamad daw magtype. A voice message that i played over and over again. Dean actually find me interesting (?), Invested (?) Idk exactly but the classmate told me na 'may nakikita daw talaga sya sayo. Na grabe ka ka-practical as a person like yung ideas mo daw sa plant design napakasimple lang pero napaka practical to the point daw na madami nag apply sayo kanina. And then, you need more confidence lang daw talaga' so ig, you basic guy is a practical guy now. It's just flattering.

Now, whatever happens, i must meet those expectations right? This could be a lousy motivation but what is if there's none? I dont know why im writing this. I just thought i should get my thoughts out. Ver 2.0? Turning point? Let's just do good 😌

PS I put this on my bio on FB, guess im getting more public, and if you happened to read this because you saw the link on my bio, send me a message about you thoughts.

PPS if your initials are JTZC, these have been my week and i miss you even though you're not interested in me anymore, you are hard to forget

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h-styles-babes · 5 years

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Harry Styles Blurb/Request #10

Alright, I searched for like half an hour to try to find the request I got for this prompt, but I couldn’t fine it. But, just know someone requested this off a prompt list several months ago, and I finally got inspiration to write it because I’ve definitely been in a much better place lately. So I really hope you enjoy it, and let me know what you think!

WARNING: All the smut. This is basically just 4500 words of kink. You’ve been warned.

32. “You’re acting like this is your first threesome.”

There wasn’t much about uni that Y/N didn’t like. She was the academic type, so she really enjoyed getting to take classes she had interest in and getting to sit and discuss with people who held similar interests, who would participate and lend something insightful to said conversations. She enjoyed the work she got to do in her major, shadowing people in the field and getting to talk to her professors, who usually were full of amazing information and resources. She loved the freedom it allowed her to make her own decisions in her day to day life and for her long-term goals. She loved it, truly.

But of the few things she didn’t like about uni—including the food at the dining hall and the obnoxious frat parties—she especially disliked group projects.

See, Y/N was more of a ‘do it herself’ kind of girl. She worked well on her own because she was able to control the procedure and the outcome. She was able to do what she thought was best without input from anyone else. She’d always lived by the saying “If you want something done right, do it yourself,” because she’d found in her time at school, that the saying rang true with herself. She always tended to be the person that cared the most and put in the most effort whenever she was put in a group, so why bother with group members when she could accomplish the same thing—sometimes better—all alone?

So, imagine her displeasure when she’d walked into her 10 am Monday class to a stack of papers describing a group project that would last the remainder of the semester. She groaned audibly when she read the first line of the description, realising she’d be working with two other people who would be randomly chosen by her professor. Her prof chuckled at her, knowing her distaste for group work from years of having her in classes. It was her last year of uni, so she was taking a relatively easy class after getting all her more vigourous coursework out of the way early on. The class was open to all years, and she just really hoped she didn’t get paired up with first years. She still had to graduate, after all, and she didn’t want a grade that hinged on this project being dictated by a bunch of eighteen year olds.

“You’ll be fine, promise,” Professor Zimmerman told her, throwing her a wink as she sighed and trudged up to where she was sat toward the center of the room.

It was a smaller class, with only twenty-four students enrolled, so they occupied a regular classroom and not a lecture hall. She usually sat next to an Irish boy named Niall who was in his final year as well, and he was really nice. A bit rowdy sometimes with a jolting laugh, but he was kind and had a lot to offer during discussions, and he actually took the time to talk to Y/N when he saw her around campus. She considered him a friend, and she was really hoping Professor Zimmerman would take pity on her and pair her with Niall, at the very least. She could deal with anyone else as long as she had him in her group.

Niall slid into his seat just a few moments after she did, and he grinned at her. “Think I convinced Zimmerman to put us in a group together,” he told her.

Y/N’s eyes lit up as she looked at him. “You’re serious?” Niall nodded. “Oh god, you’re the best. I was seriously dreading this. Imagine if I got paired with two first years? I would have cried.”

“I know, that’s why I sweet talked ‘im. Now we just gotta wait and see who our third person is.”

They didn’t have to wait long to find out.

Zimmerman started the class by separating everyone into groups. Everyone had at least skimmed the paper already, so they knew what they were in for, so everyone listened intently as he called out names three at a time. Niall and Y/N were part of the fourth group to be called.

“Group Four will be Mr. Horan, Miss Y/L/N, and Mr. Styles.”

Y/N felt her heart seize up at the mention of that name. She hadn’t spoken to him in months, let alone even look his way in this class. She’d nearly forgotten they were even in it together. Her mind had done a pretty good job of purging all unpleasant thoughts from her mind from the previous term. She’d known him and Niall were mates, but they didn't talk much in this class, and she’d never seen Niall out and about with him by his side.

When Zimmerman was done calling out groups and instructing everyone to take the rest of the class time to come up with ideas for the project, the class moved, everyone rearranging themselves to be next to their group mates.

The seat in front of Y/N vacated, and she could see him approaching her and Niall from the corner of her eye. She didn’t dare look up at him; she wasn’t sure what her reaction would be to seeing his face again after letting herself move on from what happened. She busied herself with pulling out a notebook to take notes on for their ideas to avoid having to watch him sit.

“Can’t believe Zimmerman put us all together,” Niall said as Y/N felt the seat in front of her be filled. She smelled him before she even looked at him, that same enticing scent of his much-too-expensive cologne and the spearmint gum he seemed to constantly be chewing. She sort of hated herself for remembering those things about him, but some things were harder to forget than others.

“We’re the oldest ones in the class,” he replied. “Think Zimmerman took pity on us.”

Y/N’s jaw clenched as she heard his voice again, the same slow drawl of his words and they way his accent curled around his vowels. She hated that her heart jumped at the sound. Traitor.

“Good to see yeh again, Y/N,” he said, dipping his head to try to catch her eye from where they were focused on the paper on her desk.

“Harry,” she greeted, trying her best to sound casual. She busied herself with titling the paper. Anything to keep her from having to face him.

“Somethin’ wrong?” he asked, sounding sincere about his inquiry, but YN could sense the smugness in his words. She knew him. He wasn’t malicious and he didn’t ever intend to be mean, but he was a person who liked to tease, and he had sufficient ammo against her. It was something she’d just have to deal with, she supposed. For the rest of the term, at least.

“No, just not really fond of group projects. Work better by myself.”

She could see Niall nod at her sympathetically from beside her, opening his mouth to say something, but Harry beat him to it.

“You’re actin’ like this is your first threesome,” he said, doing that thing again where it sounded innocent, but when Y/N’s eyes finally flashed to his, she could see everything.

He knew what that meant. She could see in his eyes that he was remembering. The smirk on his face confirmed it.

She could see it all in the brightness of his eyes. She saw herself, a mouth on her breast, a head between her legs, hands roaming heated skin. The sounds of skin slipping and smacking, mouths gasping and groaning. The sensation of hair being pulled, nails scratching down backs, marks swelling over smooth skin. Thoughts she’d pushed in the depths of her mind for months came flooding to the surface, causing her to audibly gasp.

Niall must have thought she was affronted by the wording, because he reprimanded his friend with a squawk of his name. “Coulda worded that better, mate. Not everyone’s a sexual deviant like you.”

The way that Harry looked at Y/N assured her that not everyone was a sexual deviant like him, but he knew from experience that Y/N certainly was. Niall didn’t know that, though. No one knew aside from Harry and the other random woman that had been there with them that evening. People always joked that it was the quiet ones you had to watch out for, but no one ever really considered it in real life. No one would ever venture to guess that Y/N was the way she was, due to her bookish qualities and quiet demeanour. Harry saw through it though, even in the beginning. He saw her, and that terrified her.

“She knows what I meant,” Harry shrugged off, effectively dismissing the tense atmosphere that had descended upon them.

The trio was able to get through the rest of the class without any further weirdness, and they were actually able to come up with a solid idea and plan for their project. It required them spending quite a bit of time together over the next several weeks, but Y/N had to deal with it in order to get a good grade in the class. She just wanted to graduate, so she would do what she had to achieve that.

Y/N spent some time in the library to do some research for their project. She’d been looking into something online and realised the library had the original text in stock, so she went off looking for it. She didn’t realise when she began her search that it was three stories up in the very back of the building, where the lights were dim and no one except for the librarian ever ventured. The spines of the books looked like they hadn’t been touched in at least a decade, and she was afraid her allergies were going to start acting up with all the stuff lingering in the air.

She finally reached the section where the online catalog had said the book would, be, so she started looking more closely at the spines. The author’s name started with a C, and she was nearly in the B’s, so she knew she was headed in the right direction. The only problem was that she soon realised that the author she was looking for was all the way on the second to the top shelf, and there was no way she’d be able to reach it, even on her tip toes. She huffed and looked around to see if there was a stool nearby. When she could see that there wasn’t, she rolled her eyes and readied herself to make a bit of an ascent up the bookshelves.

She successfully got both feet up on the second shelf from the bottom, but when she extended her hand up, the book was still just out of her reach. She was able to touch the spine, but there was no way she was getting a good enough grip on it to pull it out from the books it was wedged between.

A sound at the end of the aisle startled her and made her lose her balance. She was incredibly afraid she was going to fall back and crack her head open on the set of shelves behind her, and she was preparing herself for the impact, eyes closed and body rigid to try to protect herself.

However, the impact never came, and instead there were arms around her waist, steadying her, and a body pressed flush against her own, pressing her front against the bookshelf she was previously stood on.

“Yeh’re a clumsy one, aren’t yeh?”

Y/N couldn’t help the shiver that ran down her spine at the hoarse words muttered close to her ear. His breath fanned over her neck, raising goosebumps across the exposed flesh.

“You startled me, that’s all,” she brushed off.

She really wished to be rid of his touch, but she really had no where to go between all her obstacles. He wasn’t making any move to release her, and she wasn't about to forcefully push him off of her for fear of making a scene. Not that there was anyone to witness it. And it wasn’t altogether unpleasant, being in his arms again. She actually quiet liked the warmth his body provided in this dreary section of the library, and she couldn’t deny that having him pressed against her was the most contact she’d had with a man since the last time they’d been together. However, she wasn’t supposed to like it, and her brain was telling her to get him away. Her heart and body protested that decision readily.

“Didn’t mean to, pet,” he told her. He made no move to step away or release her, and her heart hammered in her chest. Him being so close brought up too many memories.

“Don’t call me that,” she gasped. She hadn’t heard the term of endearment in months, and it sparked something in her that was entirely too pleasant for their current situation.

“Why not?” he whispered, his nose drawing gently along the column of her neck. He grinned when she swallowed harshly. “Remember yeh were fond of the name. Or do yeh prefer ‘kitten’? Yeh seemed to really like that one.”

“Harry…” she rasped, her entire body tingling with the memories. Her breathing was shallow and laboured. She felt like she needed to compose herself, but he wasn’t giving her the opportunity to. And if she was being honest with herself, she was enjoying this little scene too much to want to break the spell they were under.

“Or are those too cute for yeh?” he mumbled, nipping at her ear. “Seem to recall yeh bein’ particularly responsive to ‘little slut.’” Harry jutted his hips forward into hers, and Y/N whimpered at the feel of his hard cock pressed against her arse. Obviously he was just as worked up as she was, and she felt some solace in that.

“Fuckin’…” she gritted out, her hands braced against the cool wooden shelves to give her leverage to push back against him. “Goddammit, Harry.”

Harry’s hands trailed down from his grip on her waist to her hips, and his right kept going, tracing lightly against the button of her jeans. His fingers slipped under the hem of her shirt to tease the skin there, feeling her muscles contract against his ministrations.

“Gonna let me fuck yeh again?” he asked, his own breathing harsh to match hers. “Gonna let me play with that pretty little cunt? No one would know. We’re all alone up here.”

His fingers made their way into her jeans and under her knickers, trailing down to the small patch of hair he knew he’d find. Y/N pressed her arse back into him further, trying to give him more room to work, though her jeans were tight and offered limited space. She knew she wouldn’t get any real relief unless they came off.

“Please, Harry,” she whimpered, one hand coming down to grip at his forearm to steady herself.

“Please what, darling?” His lips trailed down her neck and he sunk his teeth into the junction at her shoulder.

“Please fuck me.”

That was all Harry had to hear. He’d been waiting for this for a long time. Months. Since the last time he’d had her. He’d shared her that night, with another beautiful girl who had much more interest in Y/N than she did in him. He wasn’t mad, though. Y/N deserved the extra attention. But Harry was drawn to her in a way that refused to let him allow that be the only time he had her. There was no one else that compared to her, and apart from her looks, he found her fascinating. Sure she was gorgeous, but the dichotomy of her entire being astounded him. How someone could be so studious and innocent and completely unassuming on the outside but dark and enamouring and alluring on the inside. Not saying a person couldn’t be both, but it was unlike anything he’d ever experienced before. And he was definitely into it.

Harry flicked open the button on her jeans and then slid open the zipper. He used both hands to push the material over her hips and to her knees, just enough so he could have access to her. He pulled her hips out away from the wall before undoing his own jeans and pulling his pants down to release his aching cock. The skin was drawn tight and he was already leaking from the tip, so he hoped like hell that she was just as ready as he was. He wasn’t sure if he could take it slow, and they were sort of on a time crunch anyway. While this area of the library was rarely visited and secluded, it would be just their luck if someone wandered this way.

Harry took a moment to admire the light purple lace band of her knickers before dragging his hand across her center, pressing gently into where he knew her sensitive little clit hid. From what he recalled, she was particularly reactive and she didn’t disappoint, gasping and turning her head into her bicep to muffle her moan.

Tugging her panties to the side, Harry could see her already glistening even in the dim overhead lights. He dragged two fingers through her folds, humming appreciatively when they came away slick.

“Already drippin’ for me, kitten? Absolutely fuckin’ drenched,” he muttered before sticking his fingers in his mouth. He swore his eyes rolled back in his head at the taste of her, heady and rich, with just a little bit of tang. As perfect as he remembered.

“Harry…” she pleaded, her voice breaking. Her hips wiggled in her impatience. He’d gotten her all worked up and now he was taking too long. She wasn’t in the mood for teasing or building it up. She wanted him now, and she wanted him fast. She’d been too long without his perfect cock inside of her, and she wasn’t a patient woman when it came to these things.

“Not gonna be gentle,” he warned her, taking hold of the base of his cock to guide to her entrance. He thanked everything he could bring to mind that she was so wet already. Made this whole thing move along a lot faster.

“Wouldn’t want you to be,” she assured him. She reached one hand back to grasp at his hip, urging him toward her. “Now just fuck me.”

With a smirk on his face, Harry slid into her in one long thrust, but the tilt fled from his lips as soon as her smooth, warm, tight walls surrounded him. He grunted and leaned forward to bite at her shoulder, muffling his sound.

Y/N had both hands back on the shelves, supporting herself from the force of his movements. She buried her mouth back in her arm to stifle her groan. God, she’d missed the stretch of him. Harry was the largest she’d ever had, both in length and girth, and it wasn’t exactly an easy fit. But if was such a delicious stretch and he filled her up perfectly that she was nearly drunk with the sensation the moment he entered her.

“Hold on tight,” Harry warned her before starting up an unrelenting pace.

They were both glad for the seclusion of their place in the building, because they couldn’t maintain relative silence even if they wanted to. Even with their methods, their heavy breathing and the slapping of their skin together would have been enough to assure everyone in hearing range of exactly what they were doing. As it was, Harry and Y/N weren’t very good and quieting themselves, either. Their moans and whimpers frequently took on a nearly full volume, and Harry even had to move one hand over Y/N’s mouth, his two first fingers slipping in, in order to keep her quiet.

She sucked greedily on the digits, wishing and imagining that it was Harry’s cock in her mouth instead, which just made her moan more. She sincerely hoped he was willing to take this somewhere more private afterward, because there was a lot she’d like to do that they definitely weren’t going to get done there.

“Such a fuckin’ slut for it, aren’t yeh?” he grunted into her ear. “Can feel yeh absolutely soakin’ my cock. Are yeh a bit of an exhibitionist, pet? Hopin’ someone will hear yeh gettin’ yeh’re cunt pounded. Wishin’ they’d hear my name when yeh moan it out. Get off to this shit, hmm?”

Y/N couldn’t help but nod at his assessment. He knew she liked the thought of fucking in a public space; of the risk of getting caught. It thrilled her and caused her walls to clench. Harry hissed.

“So fuckin’ tight, honey. Gonna make me cum in your pretty little cunt.” He shifted her hips slightly, causing him to brush against a new spot. She cried out above the muzzle of his fingers. “Right there? Did I find your button? Gonna squirt all over me like yeh did last time?”

She hadn’t forgotten about that. How could she, even with her successful attempts at brushing her memory of that night away? It was the first time she’d ever cum like that. Harry and been pounding into her at a similar angle to the one he was at now, and her lips were curled around the other girl’s clit when she’d felt that strange sensation. She’d been alarmed at first, afraid something horrible was going to happen, but when she’d protested to Harry, he’d assured her it was okay. He urged her to let her body relax, and when she did, liquid had come gushing out of her unlike she’d ever experienced before. Both Harry and the other girl had looked at her in shocked amazement before sharing excited laughs and continuing on with their playing. Y/N had brushed it aside at the moment, but expressed her embarrassment afterward. Harry had promised her it was normal and told her it was the hottest thing he’d ever seen, which made her feel much better about it.

So, she was familiar with the sensation now. She could feel it building like a balloon deep inside her, the pressure forcing Harry to work harder through it. His thrusts slowed some, but they kept the same force, willing her to explode all over the both of them.

“Come on, kitten. Gonna make us walk out of here with your cum all over us. Give it to me,” he demanded, his voice deeper than she’d ever heard it. She felt the shudder in his thrusts and knew he was close as well. She just needed a little bit more and she’d fall over the edge with him.

“Harder,” she choked out around his fingers. Her breath was held in her chest, the overwhelming feeling of her approaching orgasm rendering her unable to expel any air. “Fuck me harder.”

Harry growled and stood up on his toes to get a better angle to drive down. He allowed the weight of his body and the motion he’d already set be that last bit of force she needed to finally burst. And he was not disappointed with the results.

He cut off her building scream with his hand to her throat, squeezing just hard enough to temper the sound. He thrust through the cascade of cum her body released, all over his cock and thighs and her own as well. Luckily, their clothes seemed to be catching most of the liquid and not dripping all over the floor, but Harry wasn’t bothered by it much. His mind was much more focused an the trembling of her body as she came and his own release rushing through him.

He buried his face in her neck, giving one last ditch effort to keep quiet. He came until his vision turned white, overstimulated by the continuing contractions of her walls. He didn’t even remember when he stilled, but when he seemed to regain consciousness, they were both leaned against the shelves, breathing heavily, slick with all sorts of bodily fluids. Harry’s hair was sticking to his forehead and he could see where tendrils of hers was sticking to her neck. They reeked of sex, but he couldn’t care less. He was too fucked out to care about anything aside from getting her back to his flat so they could wind down together and maybe go for round two. And three.

“Yeh alright?” he asked when their breathing finally evened. He pulled out of her as gingerly as possible, but he still noticed when she flinched a little. He used the leg of his underwear to clean himself up as best as possible before tucking himself back away and doing up his jeans.

Y/N righted her own bottoms as she nodded. “Yeah, I’m great.” There was a dazed tone to her voice, and Harry saw the brightness of her skin and the glossiness of her eyes when she turned to look at him. He realised he’d gone the entire time without looking at her face, and he regretted it. However, he convinced himself it was just something he’d have to rectify once they got back to his. He loved the face she made when she orgasmed.

“Still hate me?” Harry asked, trying to keep up his cocky, sarcastic front, but it was a genuine question.

Ever since their night together, Y/N had avoided him like the plague for reasons unbeknownst to him. He wasn’t sure what he did wrong, since it had seemed like their night together had gone amazingly, especially considering they’d stayed together in the hotel room for the night after the other woman left, talking about everything and nothing into the wee hours of the morning. But when he’d woken up a few hours after falling asleep with her in his arms, she’d been gone. And ever since then, she’d walked around campus like she couldn’t even see Harry, let alone even knew him. It hurt, if he was being honest, but he’d allowed her the space she obviously wanted while pining from afar. Even though they’d had sex together—rather kinky sex—first, he really did like her. Wanted to get to know her better and ask her out. She’d never allowed him the opportunity, though.

She looked up at him through her lashes, her brow furrowing adorably. “I never hated you, Harry. Why would yeh think that?”

“Kinda acted like I didn’t exist after the last time,” he told her, pointing out the obvious.

Y/N bit at her lip in nervousness before figuring it was best if she just came out with it. “I wasn’t doing that because I hated you. I was just embarrassed. What normal person has a threesome with a guy within a few weeks of knowing him?”

Harry scoffed with a playful roll of his eyes. “Normal’s boring and overrated. Nothin’ to be embarrassed about. Wouldn’t have fucked yeh if I didn’t like yeh, and I definitely wasn’t judgin’ yeh for it, considerin’ I was part of it, too.”

“I know,” she nodded, biting that damn lip again. Was going to drive him crazy. “It was just sorta out of character for me. Well, my more public character, I suppose.” She shrugged. “Was afraid of someone I knew in real life knowin’ my secret.”

Harry brushed her hair over her shoulder and tucked a bit of it behind her ear, flashing her a soft smile. “Your character is whatever yeh make it. Perfectly okay to be all shy and quiet and studious at school and with your friends and be a complete freak in private with the people you share sex with.” His grin turned mischievous. “Quite like being one of the few that get to see both.”

“Yeah?” she asked, looking at him expectantly.

“Yeah,” he nodded. He hesitantly reached out to grab ahold of her hand, sighing a silent breath of relief when she wrapped her fingers around his palm instead of pulling away. “Now, I would really like it if we could get some coffee or tea and get to know each other better. Maybe get some dinner sometime. Go to a movie.”

Y/N grinned at him wryly. “Are you trying to date me, Harry Styles?”

He shot her a deadpan look. “Might’ve gotten to it earlier if yeh hadn’t run away. Been pinin’ like a bloody schoolboy for months now.”

She cooed at him. “You’re adorable.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. So are we gettin’ coffee or not?”

The smile she sent his way then was bright and full of sunshine. Such a contrast to the girl who’d been asking him to fuck her harder just a few minutes before. He loved it.

“That sounds amazing.”

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monohart · 5 years

Text

clouds. (college!au)

ft. mark lee, sunny days and the brink of adolescence.

dating the campus’ radio dj was not an easy job

he was always, always busy, especially in the evenings.

he was exempted from 2/3 of his classes this semester to fit in broadcasting sessions and also to mentor the new broadcasters.

apparently they recruited a freshman, jisung. but he was a shy little bean, and mark needed to spend a lot more hours mentoring him.

which kinda meant that you would spend less time with your boyfriend

thankfully, y’all had similar classes.

there was this one class which was a capstone subject

which meant if u want to graduate u HAD to take it lol

and he aced all of the assessments in that subject so far this year

but you were just a bit competitive, so with exams coming, you planned to score a higher grade than him

which.. was an easy job, right? he spent most of his nights hosting the radio show anyway.

it both bugged and made you so extremely proud that mark was already getting proper job offers from major broadcasting channels

like when he got his first offer, he actually just finished a broadcast at around 3am, and was on the way back home

but he read the email on his phone and took a detour to your apartment

which scared the sh*t out of you

mark its almost 4am you could’ve just sent me a text??

“i don’t care i just needed to tell you this in person, oh my goodness is this even real????”

idk mark you tell me???

it was real, because he started getting offer after offer in the following week

but thankfully he didn’t pop by your place in the middle of the night again, after that first time

because you actually let him stay over that night and -

he held you in his arms as he leant against your headboard

and you just used him as a pillow because he you made him take a quick shower and he smelt of your soap but he still smelled of him and it was a comforting scent which sent you off the dreamland real quick

and he actually watched you fall asleep and made sure you were asleep before he pulled out his laptop to work on an assignment that was due the next day

when you woke up the next morning, you felt something cold and hard prod your back and you panicked for a moment before realising it was his laptop

and you heard the shower running so you knew it was mark going through his morning routine

but then you thought.... did he even sleep?

when he hopped out of the bathroom clad in same the clothes he wore the night before, he was still drying his hair with a towel

and his face was strew with exhaustion

but as soon as he saw you sitting groggily on the edge of your bed, his face lit up and he strode over to kiss the top of your head

“mark, did you even sleep?”

“nope, but i’m off again, i’ve got to hand in my assignment! i’ll see you for lunch?”

“wait what assignment?? did you need help on it?”

“nope, i got it done last night! thanks for letting me crash.”

before you could stop him, he pressed a hasty kiss on your lips before grabbing his laptop and bag and rushed out the door

and you sigh because

this was how dating mark lee, the campus dj, was like.

anyway

now, you guys were just a few days away from finishing the semester’s classes

and this was your last semester... given if you’ll pass the exams lol

so it was kinda the last few days you’d be able to spend together, on campus.

summer was coming

and the sun was so bright these days, it cleared the skies

no rain, none at all

which was not entirely Great because rainy days helped you study... and rainy days also meant more people tuned in on the campus radio

which meant

mark was kinda jobless today

which ALSO meant!!!

you could finally spend a whole day with him.

but, oh man...

when he called you around 11pm the night before, he was also checking his email and ... accidentally forgot that he had another assignment due at 8am the following morning

guess who didn’t get any sleep at all again!!!

your heart hurt seeing him work so hard

but somehow he convinced you to go to sleep first and not stay up to help him

he still got the assignment in on time because hes mark lee

so when you guys sat on the lawn in the middle of campus just like any typical college couple would on a nice sunny day, mark lay his head on your lap and used one of your textbooks to shield his eyes from the sun

and you were using his laptop to compile your notes from the semester, and also to help him tidy up his

“hey baby...?”

“hmm?”

you waited for mark to continue his sentence but he went silent

“mark, what?”

“mark-”

you lifted your textbook from his face only to find that he had fallen asleep.

his lips were slightly parted and he was snoring really quietly, and his fingers were in loose fists as they rested on his belly.

dont deny but you busted the biggest uwu didnt you

ofc like

you couldn’t possibly waste this precious photo opportunity but

your phone was just slightly out of reach rip

so when you grappled for it, mark woke up in an instant

he sat up real quick, and a tuft of his hair was sticking up messily.

“oh no, i didnt mean to-”

“so d’you wonder why we’re all clouds?”

you stared at each other with equally as confused frowns lol

like mark was actually

hella confused

but your expression literally read wtf

he didn’t really notice but instead yawned and held his arm out to you

and you move closer to him, snuggling into his side as he slowly lays the both of you down again, in a way so you could use his arm as a pillow.

the sun was really really bright so y’all lay there with your eyes squished shut

“we’re all just clouds, aren’t we?”

his serious question was met by your quiet scoff

“no, no, i’m for real. y’know how everything we do are for exams. exams this, assignments that... gpa... scores.. grades... deadlines... those kinda things. they turn us into clouds.”

“that is one extremely weird way to describe college students, mark.”

“no, baby, but... it’s accurate, isn’t it? the anxiety, stress, exhaustion... and just about everything we do turn us all into little clouds.”

“do elaborate, cause i don’t get why you’re comparing us to condensed water vapour.”

mark chuckled a little, and you roll your eyes figuratively, keeping your eyes tightly shut to shield it from the unforgiving sun.

"actually, never mind, it sounded way better in my head.”

at that point you were getting up to lie on your side

he turned his head and squinted at you as you gently placed a hand on his chest

"are you writing lyrics again?”

he hummed quietly and you shift a few inches closer to him.

“show me. i want to read those lyrics, no matter how dumb you think they are.”

“they’re not ready yet.”

“if you’re writing about anxiety, i can be your muse.”

“no way, you’re not a cloud. you’re a sunflower.”

he wrote lyrics all the time and most of the time he’d write them about you

sometimes he’d let you read them, sometimes he kept them to himself

and you’d catch him grinning idiotically over some lyric he wrote some time ago

so when he goes to sleep you would sneak a peak at it and it’s basically a love letter to first-date-you, or a diary entry of how he feels every time he sends u home from a date or from school but its so dreamy and seems unreal but you kNOW ITS REAL!!

bc u were there!!

anyway

idk what came over you but you slung an arm around his torso and rested your head against his shoulder and he let out a quiet little puff of breath

you would think he’s pretty ok with skinship since y’all been together for so long

but yeah it was chill and okay and he’d be super clingy at home but when y’all were in public

man,,, he got so flustered and nervous

u just wanted to cuddle lol but he suddenly turned into a robot

the sun made everything seem slow and warm and sluggish which was pretty okay with you because you were finally spending time with mark!!!

and he was soft and squishy and a little bit awkward but so so so cute so u rly just wanted the moment to last longer

but no

just as u were about to drift off a Shadow™ loomed over u both

mark probably fell asleep again tbh

u heard a rly loud camera go CLICK and distinct voices whisper-yelling at each other

and there was a struggle

and the struggle ended with a Butt falling onto mark’s other shoulder

“MARK IM SO SORRY RENJUN PUSHED ME”

“NO YOU STINK YOU FELL BY YOURSELF”

“oh hey guys shut up the photo turned out alright”

“JENO SHUT UP THEY’RE RIGHT THERE”

mark was sitting up and you fussed over his other shoulder which was attacked by jaemin’s butt

and although he was so .. unfortunately.. woken up from his nap he was grinning and squinting up at his squabbling friends

and he chuckled as he watched u stand up and wrestle jeno for his phone to see the Photo

he was watching you chase chenle and renjun around the lawn, the two boys purposefully running slower to tease u

donghyuck sat down next to mark and put his head on his shoulder to mimic you from a few minutes ago

“oh you’re disgusting please go away.”

hyuck turned his head and batted his eyelashes up at mark who was still watching u with a dreamy smile

“you’re leaving soon, we just wanted to spend time with you before u abandon us”

mark laughed and told him he’s only graduating

but hyuck scowled and nudged mark with his elbow then gestured in your direction

“but you spend more time with her nowadays than you do with us”

mark let out a loud laugh and shook his head

“she’s my girlfriend.”

“so?”

“she’s my lover.”

“so??”

“she’s... everything to me.”

jisung, who was listening, gagged and haechan slapped mark’s tummy while hollering

and then u look over at them from the other side of the lawn, wondering why mark was lying on the floor again and why the other dreamies were surrounding him in a cultish circle

jeno and jaemin turned to face you with big chummy smiles on their faces and together they made heart arms at u

some other people on the lawn were beginning to stare and so u hide behind chenle bc renjun is too tiny

then jisung must’ve texted their group chat because renjun cackles and leads you back to the group

and u notice how bright mark’s face was which makes u blush like crazy as well

and even though stress from school, work and everything in general, was making u feel like a big and heavy raincloud

one look at mark lee made u feel like sunflowers and daisies

it totally didn’t help that when he’d look at you, the corners of his eyes would crinkle ever so slightly, and his eyes would shine with genuine adoration

and his cute little lips would stretch into the widest grin

uwu

and u bet the next batch of lyrics he gonna write is gonna be about you again!!

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dynamic-instability · 4 years

Text

In one of my classes we have to write weekly personal narratives about an experience with illness. This week, mine turned into this. It’s probably too personal, and too... immediate?? to turn in to a professor without cutting out a lot of stuff, but not too personal to post online I guess lol

_____________________________

It’s November again.

In 2009 the lights were too bright. Mid-October one morning I woke up to my dad turning on my lights and it was like having to look into the sun while posing for a photo—my eyes wouldn’t stay open, if I forced them to, they couldn’t stay pointed in one direction, they spasmed and hurt. When the light was dimmed, I still saw double. That morning, I showered in the dark, and I remember being scared. They gave me eyedrops that paralyzed my accommodative muscles. In November my pupils were giant discs and I wore reading glasses over sunglasses to look at the computer, and when it was all said and done, the lights were still too bright, and I still saw double.

In 2011 I was tired. There’s fatigue and then there’s fatigue, I learned that Fall. In May of that year I had pulled two all-nighters in a week, and that was the only other time I’d felt this kind of tired, a sensation in about the 30th hour of the second time where it’s like my brain itched. I once saw someone else online describe it as “nausea, but in your head and eyes instead of in your throat and stomach” and that’s the closest anyone else has come to describing it. By November this was happening more and more often. I remember laying down in the corner of the room during a break of Citywide choir and thinking what the hell is wrong with me? I got a cold the next week, and I thought that maybe that was all it was. It wasn’t.

In 2013 I went to the ER for the fifth time in three months of college, and when I wanted to leave before waiting another couple of hours to eventually see a doctor who would tell me once again that they couldn’t do anything to help me, the woman from student life who was there to drive me back to campus made me call my parents on speaker phone and get their permission to leave before she would turn on the car. I had missed more chemistry labs than I could afford to miss without failing, passed out in a voice lesson, was asked by the director to drop out of choir because watching me was distraction when I looked like I was in pain, and if I passed out it would have ruined the concert for everyone. I remember leaving calculus in the mornings mid-class to go to the bathroom and lay on the floor and cry. I remember not being able to lift my hand off the mattress of my dorm room bed. I withdrew from half of my classes on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, and took the Spring semester off.

In 2014 I had made a promise to myself that I would come back to college full time for that Fall semester just to see if I could do it, and then if I couldn’t I would drop out for good. There was one week where I thought that might be happening. Mid-November. The girls in my dorm had made a fort in the lounge out of sheets and blankets and colorful scarves and I remember laying on the couch through the green-filtered light and feeling the world spin and thinking oh god I still can’t do this. The door opened with a rush of cold air and my friends came in with food for me, since I’d been too sick to go to dinner. They sat with me and helped me with chemistry, offered to type up a paper if I dictated it, told jokes and made me laugh. I took an incomplete in one class, but I passed everything else, just barely scraped through, and came back in January.

In 2015 I just wanted to sleep. I passed out in an elevator and heard familiar voices, concerned voices, as I came to, and I stayed there laying motionless for another minute longer, because as long as I wasn’t awake I didn’t have to keep pushing. I wrote whole pages of completely unreadable ochem notes because my hand wasn’t working any better than my brain, and woke up on the floor and was wheeled out on a stretcher crying. It was dark all the time. My cane slipped on wet leaves and I felt my wrist crunch and there it was, one too many missed organic chemistry labs. I couldn’t stand for an entire choir rehearsal because breathing to sing made me lightheaded. I slept for 16 hours a day. The week before Thanksgiving, I called my mother to tell her I had decided to take another hardship withdrawal, and she sighed. I had applied to transfer schools during my much more optimistic Spring semester and Summer, and the week I left was also the week I found out I’d been accepted.

And so okay now it’s 2019, and it’s October and now November again, semester plan again, dark again. My reading is piling up again, feeling overwhelmed again, laying on my kitchen floor again. But here’s the thing—my health is… fine? Midterm week I didn’t sleep, and yes I passed out twice, but no ER. For the past 18 months, I can count on one hand the number of mornings I’ve been unable to get out of bed because of fatigue. My heart still pounds too hard but my head doesn’t swim every time I sit up. I walk the streets of New York City like mobility has never been a problem. I always take the stairs. My brain doesn’t itch until it’s been 30 hours no sleep.

I couldn’t go to class last week. I lay on the floor of my kitchen and stared up at the ceiling and tried to get up, tried to type out an email to my professors, and I couldn’t do it. I was not too tired. I was not too weak. I was not in pain. I could not move. I try to write and try to write and try to write and the words don’t come. I eat instant oatmeal at 9 PM because I haven’t been to the store in a month. I have lost nearly 15 pounds since moving to New York. I clean the stove for two and a half hours but can’t bring myself to take the dead spider off the side of the bathtub. I check the door lock one-two-three times, pace the floor, sit back down. I do not read Austerlitz. I write a Canvas post for Self and Other but it’s nonsense. I do not write a Canvas post for Accounts of Self. I do not write a Canvas post for Applied Writing. I write a Canvas post for Illness and Disability and somehow forget to post it, the one thing I’ve actually done, because I’m too busy feeling sick at everything I haven’t. I shadow a doctor for the clinical witnessing assignment and everything is fine but when I try to write it up I have a panic attack that leaves me sobbing on my couch and the assignment nine days late and counting. It takes me eight hours to write two pages. I watch 18 hours of YouTube video essays discussing drama about creators I don’t even watch and play a stupid game on my phone for an entire weekend until I’ve spent $25+ in a labyrinth of microtransations and every time I close my eyes I see the moving dots.

In November of 2015 I had three overdue essays for Global Literature, and two more due in the next two weeks. More than half were on books I had not read. My pre-lab wasn’t done for organic chemistry, and I wondered for a moment, if I pretended to pass out, if that would be easier. I stayed up until 4 AM laying on my floor and listening to Hamilton. I was sick, that much is true, but when I felt okay I still sat at my computer and could not bring myself to write.

In 2011 I had so many unfinished assignments for my college-level English class that I resigned myself to failing and I went to school the morning of the final class, but I hid in the stairwell by the choir room until I heard the bell, and I never went back to that class.

2009 was the year my dad stopped being able to yell at me for not doing my homework, because no one, including me, could tell whether it was actually my eyes stopping me.

In 2008 I wrote 6 essays in the 5 days of Thanksgiving break because I had not done any work for Intro to Lit all semester. I pulled it off, somehow, even aced the class because of an unusually lenient late work policy, but what I most remember is the sick feeling of dread as I lay on the floor in the living room staring up at the Christmas tree and feeling invisible sand slip through an invisible hourglass and a vice tightening in my chest.

In 2006 I stayed up almost all night writing a paper and crying my eyes out because I couldn’t find the words to explain to anyone why it had been so impossible for me to get the work done, that I wasn’t being lazy or distracted, I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t necessarily reading YA novels or watching TV or IMing my friends instead of working, I could sit and stare at a blank word document for 6 hours straight and still it would not get done. Everyone talked about potential, talked about how smart I was, but a gradebook that is half 100’s and half 0’s still averages out to an F. No one, including me, could explain the discrepancy. The logic of that simple math was not lost on me, the knowledge that turning in half-finished or not very good work was mathematically better than not doing it, but that didn’t mean I could do it. Words failed me when I tried to explain the illogic of my particular suffering.

I didn’t hear the term executive dysfunction until I was in my 20s. In retrospect I was tentatively told at 16 that I had “probably some ADHD and OCD”, but that psychiatrist was someone I’d been sent to by a neurologist because he thought she could fix my eyes, and when she said she couldn’t, I stopped making appointments. After I got sick, physically sick, the lines blurred between what was causing what, to the point where even I have no idea. Two of the Novembers missing here are ones I spent at CC, on the block plan where I only took one class at a time. My physical health arguably improved a little after transferring in January of 2016, but mostly it didn’t, not until Spring of 2018 at least. And you can see that evidence in dropped blocks, concussions from passing out onto hard surfaces, a couple of incompletes taken when viral illnesses (or concussions) compounded my other problems. What the block plan changed was the way things pile up, lessened the struggle of constant task switching between classes. (Admittedly, I also had fewer papers when taking mostly science classes. Writing takes much more energy, and it’s much harder to convince myself it doesn’t have to be perfect to be worth submitting.) At CC nothing ever really reached the level of catastrophe. Some of that is purely the ability to drop a single block, meaning when it was my physical health that was the problem, I didn’t lose a whole semester, just one class, then reset. But I should have realized sooner that the block plan wouldn’t account for the level of improvement if my physical health had really been the only barrier.

So we’re back to now. Grad school. November again. Dark again. Semester plan again. Too much writing again. Crushing dread again. Dysfunction again. Panic attack in the middle of the night increasingly elaborate organizing rituals scream of the subway tracks in my mind can’t stop can’t start can’t breathe can’t move burnout again. This time without the explanation of chronic fatigue to fall back on.

I have my tricks, have actually learned somewhat to cope in the past 18 years. Schedules help, break tasks into pieces that are as small as possible. Mindfulness meditation. Forgive yourself when it’s not perfect. Get started with something easy, set a timer for 20 minutes and only work for those 20 minutes and then let yourself stop if you want to (and surprisingly often, you won’t want to, sometimes that momentum is all it takes). If you work better in the night, work in the night, who cares what society says your sleep schedule should be. When switching tasks, physically get up and move to a different location. Allow yourself to procrastinate on work with other work if that’s what you have to do. Delete the stupid games from your phone. One or two missed assignments are not actually the end of the world, if you let yourself view it as piling up, you won’t be able to get anything done, so if you absolutely have to, just move through and move on.

It’s not a catastrophe, this November. It’s a fight, but it’s not a catastrophe. I read Austerlitz and forgive myself for skimming it. I write a Canvas post and forgive myself when it’s only 500 words and doesn’t make complete sense. I read Toni Morrison and Édouard Louis and classmates’ discussion posts about Deaf culture and identity and remember why this matters in the first place, that it’s not just a series of assignments to overwhelm me, it’s a series of interesting complicated exhausting important thoughts and questions. I get it done. Some of it. Most of it. I let myself sleep. I breathe. I remember to be grateful because I can get out of bed in the mornings and take the stairs. I am okay.

#chronic illness #executive dysfunction #chronic fatigue #College and chronic illness #personal lol

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thepencilnerd · 5 years

Text

- 𝐅𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐭 - 2

➳ Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4

➳ Pairing: Jaebum x Reader

➳ Summary: AU! After taking a gap year from college to pay for your tuition, you felt like your life was finally back on track- until you met him. What happens when life doesn’t go the way you intended it to? What happens when you find out that your anchor is just as broken as you are?

➳ Genre: AU, fluff, angst, friends to lovers

➳ Word Count: 2k

➳ Warnings: Swearing, awkward first encounters?

♪ Winter Aid- The Wisp Sings

a/n: Masterlist & links to other parts can be found @ my main URL

“That’ll be $4.65, please.” Swiping the credit card against the machine, I typed in an order for a caramel macchiato with an extra shot of espresso.

Working at the on-campus coffee shop was probably the only good thing that had happened this year, and I only had my counselor to thank.

The schedule for this semester was pretty simple. Working for 2 hours in the morning at the café had allowed me to fit afternoon classes into the day, which left me with half an hour for lunch and half an hour to tutor some classmates while eating lunch. Three times a week, I had evening classes that lasted until 10 at night, but the remaining two days of the week allowed me to have some free time to study and relax or tutor more classmates.

It was exhausting, but it was better than the situation I was hurled into last year. With my parents unable to support or aid me financially, I decided it was best to take a year off to save up for tuition fees and re-evaluate my entire life. After saving enough money for a two semester’s worth of school, I had a talk with my counselor about what scholarships and certificates I was eligible to apply for.

All I had to do semester was stay focused, steer clear of all distractions, and pray to the high heavens that the end-of-year exam scores would prove to the teachers and school board that I was eligible to receive a late scholarship.

If last year had taught me anything, it was that life was a bitch to live. This year was going to be different. It was going to be. It had to be.

Taking off my apron and throwing on a jacket, I quickly said goodbye to my co-workers before leaving for my philosophy class. I wondered if it was okay to miss today’s lecture since the TA was subbing and I was pretty good friends with him, but I realized that I didn’t have anything better to do and would be better off going. A month into the semester and I already felt too comfortable for my own good. Nothing had ever come easy in my life, so why did the universe all of a sudden decide to take a turn for the best?

Shaking off the thought, I couldn’t help but admire at the outside weather. Closing my eyes, I took it all in; the smell of fresh petrichor on the concrete, the soft trickle of water droplets as they hit the shop’s patio cover, and the delicate fog that had enveloped and rolled over the entire campus grounds. Looking at the people walking around with umbrellas, my focus shifted to a red umbrella across the road.

A couple dressed in matching beige coats and scarves were grasping the handle together, looking into each other’s eyes with an air of complete harmony. My smile quickly dissipated, however, realizing that a broken person like me might never feel anything or find anyone like other people. Almost as instantly as I had spotted the couple, the two walked off and reminded me that I was probably late for class.

Throwing on my hood and shielding my eyes, I sprinted across the wet cement and felt like a maniac as I laughed heartily, enjoying the feeling of the cold air and rainwater on my face. Getting drenched in rain was probably one of my favorite childhood activities, and none of my friends really understood why I kept doing it even when I got sick.

Once I got to the classroom, I was relieved that I made it on time and early enough to grab a good seat at the front. I couldn’t escape the few jokes that came from my friendly familiar classmates.

“If you get me sick before midterms, I’m going to kill you,” one said in an overdramatic and ominous.

“Did you lose your umbrella again?” another asked.

“I’ll buy you a matching pair of boots and a raincoat for your birthday, Y/N!” one more cheered.

Giving them the finger and smiling at the familiar playful banter I missed so much, I grinned, realizing that I was finally getting my old life back.

“Maybe she left it at home with her report card from last semester.”

The room went dead silent. I was on good terms with everyone and appreciated a good joke occasionally, but all of my classmates knew where the line was. This particular person, however, did not.

Turning my head slowly towards the nasal voice that spoke, I squinted at a pip-squeak excuse of a girl who couldn’t possibly be bigger than a yard sale Christmas decoration. She was sat in the middle row of the room and went from intimidating cheerleader to quaking chihuahua as soon as my eyes caught hers.

“What?” she stuttered, trying desperately to fake confidence in her tone. Newbie, my brain automatically identified. “You—you all know why she had to take time off last year. It’s not my fault everyone’s been spreading rumors about her tuition fees and parents—”

Before she could utter another word, I stomped over the staircase array of desks and placed my hands firmly onto the table in front of her, fists clenched and knuckles turning white.

“You want to know why I took a gap-year?” I asked vacantly, not for the sake of getting an answer. “Because I couldn’t afford it.”

“Burberry and a Louis Vuitton?” I inquired, gesturing to the coat hung on her seat and bag under her chair. “I’m not exactly ‘well off’ like you. My family can barely make enough money to put food on the table, and yet you seem like you have more than enough to burn.”

She quivered and gulped as she tried to pry her eyes away from mine.

“We’re not in middle school anymore; let’s stop acting like it.” Lowering my head so that I was eye-to-eye with her, I stared at her head on before speaking. “I may not be rich, but at least I don’t look the way that I am on the inside.”

Gathering my stuff, I quickly texted the TA and said that I had a family emergency come up. He replied telling me that he didn’t have a lecture planned and that I wouldn’t miss anything, so I responded with thanks and walked back outside.

The rain had stopped, but it was still freezing cold. Against my better judgment, I decided to do what I always did when I needed to clear my head; go onto the roof. The rooftop of the main building was kind of my secret hideout. The few people who knew about it were some of the art majors who would come up very rarely to sketch and take pictures of the mini garden that grew there. Other than that, no one really ever went up there. The only downside was that the rooftop was accessible solely through the back stairs. 10 flights of stairs, may I add.

Huffing and puffing up to the door, I opened it to find the rooftop just as beautiful as ever. Flowers of all kinds lined the planter boxes and string lights hung from the side poles, mimicking the setting of a fancy restaurant. The lights never turned on though, and I couldn’t remember if I’d ever seen them lit at all. I tossed my bag onto the ground and found my usual spot near the roses. The wind was blowing just enough so that the scent of the freshly bloomed and still-damp flowers wafted towards me.

Outlooking onto the campus below, I sighed.

“Hey, mom and dad...” I spoke quietly as I stared into the gloomy but bright sky.

Looking down at a rose petal that had fallen onto the dirt, I picked up it up and stroked the colored fauna. “Are you guys having fun in the Bahamas? Australia? Cancun? Maybe Mexico?”

A gust of wind blew across my face that made me close my eyes, and it was immediately followed by a rustling noise that came from behind me.

“Who’s there?” I asked, standing up.

A familiarly shaped figure arose from behind one of the rose bushes. Stretching out his arms and letting out a yawn, the random field boy from the first day of school was now standing clearly in front of me.

“Who are you?” I looked at his similar choice of simple attire, noticing his white shirt and pair of distressed jeans that coincidentally mirrored your outfit.

“Good morning to you too,” he greeted while yawning again.

The boy simply chuckled, his deep tone causing a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Im Jaebum. A pleasure to meet you.” Extending his hand, I shook it cautiously.

“Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N—” The second that I replied and his hand enveloped mine, he pulled me close into his chest.

What the fuck is wrong with this dude

Observing his features up close, attractive would have been an understatement. His eyes were the darkest shade of brown I had ever seen, while his angular features gave him an edge that only animated characters possessed. To top it all off, I counted seven individual piercings that decorated his ears.

I snapped back into reality when I noticed that I had been staring much longer than what was considered normal and shoved him abruptly off of me. He simply smirked.

“You’re that girl who saw me on the field, right?” he asked softly, taking slow but deliberate steps back to me, trying to close the distance between us.

Of all the times I was able to compose myself and structure my sentences, my throat felt as dry as the Sahara Desert.

“Yeah,” I somehow managed to reply.

“You’re a lot taller than I originally thought you were...” he admitted quizzically, circling me and examining my physical features. I sat down forcefully, crossing my arms over my chest and scowling slightly at his perverse nature.

I decided to take charge of the situation. “What are you doing up here?”

Jaebum kept his distance and sat two-arms lengths away from me, likely sensing my discomfort. “I just like coming up here sometimes. It helps me clear my head.”

Although I admired his relatable and honest answer, I still held back.

“Do you come up here often?” he asked this time.

Nodding my head yes, I also told him about my rooftop therapy sessions. A slightly awkward silence began to grow between us. With neither of us willing to compromise and start the conversation up again, I stood up before Jaebum stopped me.

“That was a night feat you had before class today.”

I turned my head towards him so quickly I almost pulled a neck muscle. “Oh. You saw that?”

He laughed, flashing a perfect white smile. “I didn’t really realize it until that night on the football field, but we’re in pretty much all of each other’s classes.”

“Oh...” Thinking over it, I must have made an expression of confusion because Jaebum immediately began explaining.

“I sit behind you during French 103? We worked on a project during the first semester of physics. I’m in the same major as you, so I hope you don’t think I’m a stalker or anything. I never see you, and you never see me. We’re both kind of invisible, right?” he admitted, fidgeting slightly with his hands in whenever he would try to think of sentences.

“I guess you could say that...” I mumbled.

“How about we be invisible together?” he asked while smirking and shooting me a wink.

I scoffed.

Oh. Of course, he had to be that kind of guy.

“Uh, I hate to break it to you, but I don’t do—” I chuckled awkwardly while trying to think of the word. “—that.” He looked at me confused, wondering what message I was trying to convey when I outlined a circle with my hands.

Time to come clean and do what you do best, Y/N.

“Partying and going to clubs with friends? Smoking so much that you feel like your lungs might collapse any second? Staying out until 4 in the morning and drinking so much that the hangover the next day makes you want to throw up, crawl into a hole and die?”

Jaebum was silent, eyes magnetized at my brutally honest tone.

“I don’t deal with any of that, but above all of the stupid and dumb shit a college kid can do? I don’t do that,” I repeated, drawing the circle again. “I don’t do hook-ups. I don’t mess around with guys or let them mess around with me and waste my time. I don’t go out with anyone for the sake of just ‘having fun’ and most importantly, I don’t date. Sorry to get your hopes up.”

Getting up from my sitting position, I grabbed my back and turned to Jaebum once more, his widened eyes and appalled expression telling all.

“I’ll see you around in class.” I waved him goodbye and smiled, jogging down the stairs before he could reply.

Don’t you dare think about his smile, Y/N

He’s not any different.

No stupid decisions.

No reckless choices.

No broken promises.

And absolutely no falling in love.

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purplesurveys · 5 years

Text

439

What do you usually drink at meals? Just water. I can’t finish my meals drinking anything else. Does your washer make a lot of noise? I’m not sure for the most part because our washing machine is isolated on the rooftop so I never get to hear it, but I don’t think it’s noisy. How many hair straightners/curlers/dryers are in your house? Three in total, I think. My mom has a hair dryer and a straightener; I have my own hair dryer. Which side of your face do you like better? I like them the same amount? Do you think that was a weird question? I wasn’t weirded out too much by it; I know there are some people who really prefer a certain side of their face.

Did you pull any pranks on April Fool's day, or vice versa? No I hate pranks. Do you wave when you see people from your classes outside of school? Depends how close I got with them. Most of the time I would ignore them. Would you prefer a black or white cellphone, or a bright colored one? Definitely just a plain black or white one. I don’t really like my stuff colored unless it’s pink. When you believe in the Easter Bunny, what did you picture him/her like? The Easter Bunny was never as big a deal here as Santa Claus is, so I was never familiar with it up until I was a little older. I don’t really have a vivid image of the Easter Bunny other than it being a bunny carrying a basket of eggs. Does your mom, dad or silbings play any instruments? My dad plays some guitar. My sister had piano and guitar lessons but she never quite learned either haha. Are you allowed to eat meals in the living room? We’re allowed to eat anywhere in the house as long as we clean up the mess if we make one. How many people could fit comfortably to sleep in the room you're in? I’d say 5 if I put some mattresses on the floor. Around how much do you spend on Christmas presents? Too much. Idk, I like spoiling my friends. Your last ex: how did you two get together? We’re best friends. We just ended up liking each other and it solidified after a trip to a museum and a cute dinner date. Do you always have an ice cube in your drink? I prefer having them when I eat out, but it’s not like I religiously pay attention to ice cubes at home or anywhere else. Does the last person you spoke to have any siblings? Yes, my mom has two brothers. What's the best food for sleepovers? Pizza, wings, and chips. If you skip class, what one do you skip most? This sem, it’s econ. I used to have perfect attendance because the class has an incentive for not having absences (+5 on the finals) and I used to be obsessed with following it. By mid-April I started to get fucking sick of that class so I ended up having 3 cuts in one week LMAAAAAOOOOO. That class can go fuck itself. I hate it too much to care. Do you have any pictures of yourself on your bedroom walls? I have my Prep graduation portrait up on my wall, yeah. Does your mom dye her hair? She used to have brown highlights for her old job, but she hasn’t done it in like ten years. If yes, does she deny that she does? What do you do for fun when the power goes out? Honestly, there is nothing fun when we get a blackout. It gets really hot and everyone becomes cranky, rightfully. I end up fighting Meralco on Twitter and demanding when they’ll respond to the power outage lmao. Are 'personal response' essays painful to write for you? I don’t see why they should be. I appreciate essay reqs that just make you write about your own experiences and opinions; they make it so much lighter on the rest of the workload I have. Do you say 'skip', 'pip off', or something else? I have no idea what this is referring to. Are we just talking about skipping? If you had to, would you rather marry your English or math teacher? I’m taking neither. About how many books are in the room you're in? Probably around 20-30. The rest of the books I own are in my sister’s room; I just ran out of space in mine. What number do you ignore when it comes up on the display? ??? What is the best restaurant in the mall? What do you typically order there? We have several malls in the area but my favorite is either Yabu or Torch. I’ll normally have a katsu set from Yabu; I forgot what my usual in Torch is called but it’s a maki roll that’s deep fried, has mayonnaise, and I think it has salmon in it. Do you find history interesting? Ugh I love history more than anyone I know. I didn’t need to take a history elective but I’m taking one right now and will probably take up some more in the next semester. Think of a friend whose name starts with any letter between A and M. Got it. How would you react if this friend kissed you? Slap them, ask them what the hell they were thinking, and tell her boyfriend and my girlfriend. If you were to a throw a party, would you invite them? She’d be the first person invited. Do you text this person? Pretty often. Have you ever had a sleepover with them? Yes, a few times. Does your best friend ever wear fake nails? I don’t actually pay attention hahaha. What's the last thing you searched on google? ‘Pip off’ from the last few questions above, because I had no idea what it meant. Still don’t. Have you read all the books on your bookshelf? I’ve read them all but I haven’t finished them all. Would you ever go on a date with the last person you spoke to through IM? God no. She’s too overbearing for me. Harry Potter or Twilight? Twilight. Would you be okay living on your own? I most definitely would be. How far can you run without breaking a sweat? I wouldn’t know what to tell you as I haven’t tried this in a while haha. After swimming, do you just strip or go into a change room? I...go into the changing room and take a shower? Would you rather date an older man/woman, or a younger one? I haven’t experienced dating either so I might have to take a pass. I still prefer seeing someone my age. Have you ever seen the last person you hugged naked? Yes. What about in their underwear? Yep. Where did you get your favorite shirt? We got it in one of the indie stalls at the mall. It was a buy 3 shirts for P200 promo so we got two for Gabie’s siblings and the other one for me. How much was it? ~P65 for one shirt if we’re considering the promo that came along with it. Do you/your parents have any creepy pictures or painting up on the wall? No. I think my siblings and I would let them know if it were too creepy. What's the best kind of video game? (Adventure, shooting, etc) Not sure if this is a legit genre but I can always ride with open-world games. How young is too young to date? Idk, 14? How old is too old to date? I don’t think there’s such a thing as being too old to date. Does your mom swear? Hahahaha yup. What was your biggest fear as a child? Cockroaches and bungee jumping. Your biggest dream? Work for WWE. Do you know anyone who has road rage? ME HAHAHAAHAHAHAHA. It’s safe road rage anyway. My friends all point out that I have really short patience when driving but still prefer to ride with me than with anyone else who also drives since for them, I’m the only one who hasn’t tried to kill them lmaooo. How would you react if your mom got a lip piercing? I’d probably say ‘cool’ and asked if it hurt.

What animal is really common to see in the woods where you live? Stray dogs :( Would you like to follow in one of your parents' footsteps? Not really. I was never interested in what their degree requires or their subsequent career choices. Where did you get your favorite pair of pajamas? I don’t have a favorite pair. Do you know anyone named Desmond? Do you like that name? I don’t think so. Not really a fan. What/who do you take the most pictures of? My dog and my girlfriend. What's your screensaver? I don’t have one on my laptop. Do you prefer your hair in a bun or ponytail? Bun! Have you ever kissed someone who had reallllllllllllly dry lips? Mmm no. What is the last thing you celebrated? My birthday, though it didn’t feel like celebrating it. What were you last Halloween? I wasn’t able to celebrate Halloween last year :( I think I just stayed in that day. Have you ever suspected that your last ex was cheating? Why? No. Has anyone ever told you they wanted to be with you forever? No. And are you still with them? I’m still with my girlfriend after three years, but we don’t really tell each other lines like that. Was this survey interesting? I’m sure I haven’t taken it yet so yes, it was pretty interesting for me.

#survey #surveys

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originaljediinjeans · 5 years

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The first time I saw The Avengers (2012):

I was recovering from my first real big fight with depression. Right at the start of the second semester of my sophomore year of college I had a huge emotional collapse. One of the reasons I survived was because of watching Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Thor, and CATFA with my roommates. But the main reason I survived was because they were some of the best girls in the world and I’m so glad that God sent them to me

The first showing I went to I went with a current roommate and one of her friends--he was my friend too by that time.

That was also my first time ever riding public transit. We went to the mall on the other side of town.

The second showing, I did go with two of the roommates from that last apartment. (Fun fact: another one of those girls went on Study Abroad to Spain and she got to see Los Vengadores in theaters like two days before it came out in the US. Can you say celosas!)

I had seen the previews but I had no idea that this movie would change my life, again. And that it would change the world.

I also already knew that the MCU had deeper themes, but I had no idea that I would get SO MUCH out of The Avengers

Characters that Impacted Me: Loki I wasn’t in fangirl love with him yet. That would wait until Thor 2. Maybe even later. But Loki’s speeches about human weakness sounded so much like the evil voices in my head that had plagued me the previous semester when I had questioned everything I cared about. Loki was Satan. And I quote his entire speech in Stuttgart: Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. My mind was trying to rule me.

Clint Barton First thing, Loki uses the mind stone to take over Barton. He makes Barton do things he normally would never do. Kill people. Hurt people. Attack the people he cares about. For months I had struggled with inner thoughts that lashed out violently against every person I was attached to. And I was terrified of those thoughts becoming real. My OCD/Depression manifested my worst fears and wanted to make me into a person I was not. People say that Hawkeye got jipped in this movie but I disagree: he was my worst fears and my mental illness playing out on the big screen. And then he came out of it. And he saved the world.

(Maybe that’s the real reason I cosplay Natasha, because I hate it when people talk trash about Barton)

Natasha Romanoff Her first fight scene in the movie is so awesome. Good grief. I had seen Iron Man 2 but it wasn’t until The Avengers that Nat made an impression on me. It was the ‘Red in her Ledger” speech--that little show of vulnerability to manipulate Loki. Everything I had been through felt like “red in my ledger.”

I was really struck by her compassion: the empathy she expresses to Barton in recovery; her trying to keep Bruce from going Hulk and then warning the mechanics to get the heck away; her and Clint rescuing civilians in New York; and then telling Eric Selvig that what he had done wasn’t his fault.

Also, when I came out of the first showing I talked to my roommate about her like, what if she’s related to Anastasia because the last name, ya know? After a while I felt like that was kind of stupid. So I put that theory aside...until recently. Maybe not that recently.

Regardless of whether or not Nat is actual royalty, she has always been a Queen to me ever since

Phil Coulson Coulson was the first MCU character I ever obsessed over, but even then it was nowhere on the level I’ve been at with Bucky for the last...we’re going on five years now, I think. But he was just so cute and so nice and so funny and his death pained me a little. As soon as the #CoulsonLives movement came around I was converted. When I decided for personal reasons to not watch Agents of SHIELD it was hard. But then I got a great idea for my own #CoulsonLives story so the rest is history. It’s just he was such a friend to all the Avengers and he felt like my friend, too.

Bruce Banner It’s probably beating a dead horse to say this, but having a mental illness is like, well, living with the Hulk. It was this dark side of me that came out and it scared me. And it came out and it attacked me and it made me attack people. Sometimes it was like the Mind Stone controlling me, as I said earlier. But sometimes it was just blind rage. “That’s my secret, Cap: I’m always angry.” BOY I FELT THAT.

And I think it may have been as early as the next day but the next time I went to group therapy I told everyone about The Avengers (I was doing some kind of therapy 2-3 days a week. It was intense but I needed it and it helped). I told them about Clint and I told them about Bruce. I may have told them more. But I told them that the biggest superhero movie ever had made an emotional impact on me because I saw the characters acting out my mental illness experience onscreen and symbolically defeated it

"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." ~G.K. Chesterson/Neil Gaiman (Source)

And that’s how representation works folks: not just people who look like you but people who’ve been through what you’ve been through

I took “Love is for children” pretty literally the first time I saw it. I only shipped Clintasha later because everybody else on the internet was doing it. Even when I first started writing fanfic I had them dating. But, to be honest, I really like Clint having a family and having that tight platonic brother/sister relationship with Nat. Actually a lot cooler. And it fit better with my fanfic because my Jedi OC becomes Clint’s adopted cousin and it made more sense for Laura and the little Bartons to be part of that relationship russos what have you done to them

For a while after Avengers first came out, I shipped Cap with the Waitress. Maybe that’s who I should have shipped him with all along. But if you really think about it, him hooking up with a random waitress is a long shot. It makes even less sense than Sharon, if Sharon doesn’t make sense at all.

#personal #reminisces #the avengers #college #mental illness

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shibyn · 5 years

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and the wind sounds like the world’s sigh

persona 4 & 5 | shiho-centric, investigation team Near the end of May, Shiho transfers to a sleepy town called Inaba for a fresh start. However, Inaba isn’t the sleepy town her parents thought would be best for her— its on edge with unsolved mysteries, and Shiho finds that there’s a bit more behind what meets the eye regarding some of her classmates and a TV screen.

chapter 2 | 3.8k | ao3

Shiho smiles. She tries to force her grip on her phone to loosen up, even just a bit, so her knuckles don't creak against it. In the classroom beside her, Morooka shouts loud enough she's sure the whole school can hear him. It makes her tense up a bit-- he wasn't that pleasant of a teacher first impression wise. He had scoffed when she walked into the teacher's office, and he grumbled the whole way to the classroom. She just hopes today's an off day for him.

Shiho jerks awake as thunder cracks outside her window. The shutters rattle outside, and she can feel her bones vibrating with the resonance. Sheets of rain crash against her window, deafening, yet a mere white noise compared to the thunder. Sudden alarm hums in her veins, and she groans, knowing she won't sleep anytime soon. Her mom told her about this, hadn't she--? The neighbor warned there was going to be a storm tonight. There's been a lot of storms recently, her mom recalled the neighbor's words. She rolls on her side and tries burying her head in blankets and pillows so it could maybe muffle it all, but it's fruitless. The air still cracks with the thunder and her whole room is lit with a flash. A dread settles in her bones when she looks towards her closet door. The Yasogami uniform hangs on the door handle like a mourning flag. The yellow looks solemn in the dark, occasionally illuminated a sickly glow by the lightning outside. She hadn't tried it on, yet-- it felt like an acceptance of her fate if she did, but-- really? She's already here. Might as well deal with it. Yet-- and yet-- The buzz of her phone is sudden, even in the noise around her. She feels around for it-- her hand eventually brushes against the plastic case underneath her pillow, and she pulls it out. Clicking it on, the brightness nearly blinds her for a moment, even though it's on its lowest setting. Ann [1:42 A.M.] hhhhhhhhhh inui's gonna killl meeeee i dont care about the ancient olympics >:// can fail this test ,, pls,, i havent slept in days,,, Shiho snorts despite herself. The sky rumbles outside, and she keys out a response. Shiho [1:43 A.M.] idk... if you started earlier you could've had more time to sleep :// Ann [1:43 A.M.] what are u doing up young lady u better be going back to sleep and dont give me that!! u know my heart is dedicated to rewatching sailor moon Shiho [1:43 A.M.] says the one who messaged me sailor moon would want you to forgo watching her show and to study Ann [1:44 A.M.] have u even SEEN sailor moon? shed be in the same boat im in She's miles away, miles and miles away. It-- god, it's going to be awful, tomorrow-- Ann won't be there. She won't be there, she won't be there waiting at the metro, she won't greet her in the mornings with the smile that lights the days. She doesn't want to go, she can't go, she doesn't know anyone there, she doesn't want to go-- Shiho takes in a steadying breath. Her phone buzzes even though she hadn't responded. Ann [1:44 A.M.] ur first day is tomorrow, yeah? hows the uniform? Shiho [1:45 A.M.] [image attached] what are your words, oh fashion goddess Ann [1:45 A.M.] hm.... it'll look cute on u definitely one hell of a uniform... doesnt beat shujin plaid, tho ;)) have u gotten any sleep? Shiho [1:45 A.M.] I have, worry about yourself !! I dont wanna go The uniform looms in the corner of her eyes. She's tired, so tired, her knees ache, she wants to go home. But now this is home-- this house, in the middle of nowhere, Inaba, filled with moving boxes and tense silences and unspoken thoughts. It's been like that since she left the hospital, even at the old apartment back in Tokyo, and-- when has home felt like home? Ann [1:46 A.M.] i know im sorry ill be here for ya, yeah? just one year there you can do it!! Shiho squeezes her phone. She wishes she could have an ounce of the confidence Ann has for her. — Ann [8:14 A.M.] so?? first impressions?? Shiho [8:14 A.M.] its,, like any other school? maybe smaller than shujin? i might just be use to having the school smack dab in the center of the city, tho Ann [8:14 A.M.] isnt it just hills and hills out there?? god... its kinda spooky to think about that... no crazy tall buildings within miles... Shiho [8:15 A.M.] hey, i think it's pretty quant out here Shiho smiles. She tries to force her grip on her phone to loosen up, even just a bit, so her knuckles don't creak against it. In the classroom beside her, Morooka shouts loud enough she's sure the whole school can hear him. It makes her tense up a bit-- he wasn't that pleasant of a teacher first impression wise. He had scoffed when she walked into the teacher's office, and he grumbled the whole way to the classroom. She just hopes today's an off day for him. Ann [8:15 A.M.] sure, sure how does it feel?? being one with nature?? ahh the cool spring breeze, the pollutionless air--!! Shiho [8:15 A.M.] i think that pollution is finally messing with your head Ann [8:15 A.M.] HEY!!! The door slides open abruptly beside her, making her jump and nearly launch her phone down the hall. She shoves it quickly into her pocket, swiping at her skirt for dirt that wasn't there. Morooka sneers, which looks kinda strange with his overbite. "You kids these days and your damn phones..." he spits, and stalks back to the podium without another word. Her hands shake, so she clenches them to keep them still. She takes a deep breath, thinking, please let this be a woke-up-on-the-wrong-side-of-bed morning, and steps in after him. The first thing she notices is that the class is dead silent. They stare at her owlishly, and briefly, she thinks something's wrong. Is her uniform crooked? Backwards? Inside out--? Her hair weird? The humidity might've made it flick up in weird places-- She spent so long this morning making sure everything was alright, though it was more out of an anxious habit rather than to make a good impression-- Was-- was she walking weird? She straightens her back, eyes focused on her feet, right, left, right, left, one after the other-- she didn't think her limp was bad today-- Her fingernails bite into her palm and stands beside Morooka's podium. It's okay, it'll be okay, she thinks like a mantra, trying hard not to show her nerves. She won't--can't-- let something like being introduced to class let her stumble. They're looking because they're curious, she reasons, which does a significant amount to reducing the tension in her back, they're not looking because they're malicious. They're not looking because you walk weird. They're not. It's okay.

"Lets hurry an' get this over with before I waste any more of my time," Morooka says, scowling in her direction. The tension regrows along her spine from his scrutiny. Just as she opens her mouth to introduce herself, he cuts her off-- "Due to some trashy circumstances, this kid's been tossed to this dump not even a quarter through the stinkin' year. Couldn't even wait till the end of the semester, huh?" He looks towards her, as if actually asking her.

Her limbs suddenly feel like they're locking up under his mocking glare. Her mouth goes dry. Is this for real? she thinks, a bit astounded, because wouldn't the teachers here be warned of-- "I..." she starts, maybe to say something back, because he's looking at her like he wants an answer. But-- what is there to say? What answer can she give? She doesn't want to be here, he doesn't want her to be here, so-- Is this what it was like for Akira? Shiho thinks fleetingly, glancing towards her new classmates yet not at all-- none of them wear an expression, an indication, even a hint of what she should do-- he-- he had it so much worse, didn't he? People thought he was awful before he even stepped foot in the school-- "Well? Hurry an' tell them who ya are." He sounds agitated. He motions back towards the class like it's a dismissal. Shiho chews on the inside of her cheek and tries to steel her nerves. "I'm. I'm Suzui Shiho," she says, trying not to trip up with all the eyes on her, "It's nice to meet you." "You shits better not think about tryin' anything funny," Morooka says abruptly, his eyes darting from boy to boy with a nasty glare. "She's comin' straight from Tokyo, and while that place is a shithole and full of assholes, none of you baboons can measure up. I better not see any funny business goin' on later!" Are— are teachers allowed to curse this much? Shiho blinks, glancing towards him. She doesn't know whether or not to be grateful-- it's hard to tell with the mix of insults in his words. No one in the class looks put-off by his word choice, which doesn't exactly help. "You, you're gonna sit over there," he says, motioning vaguely in the direction of the second to last row of desks, near the door. She takes this as her leave, trying not to acknowledge the eyes following her as she sits down in her seat. The girl next to her is silent, staring openly, chin propped up in her hand, eyes half-closed. Some people towards the front of the class crane around in their seats, peering at her. She tries to ignore the stares, the whispers that quietly arise, and she twiddles her thumbs. This is awful, awful-- Soon enough, Morooka starts teaching (can she call it that? it's more aggressive than any teacher she's ever seen-- Ushimaru can’t even top it) and focus is shifted off her for a while. She slips her phone out of her pocket, trying to discreetly hide the fact that she's on it. Honestly-- she doesn't care. Her body's too tense and high strung and she really just wants to see Ann. Ann [8:16 A.M.] shiho? ya still there? Shiho [8:24 A.M.] I think my homeroom teacher beats ryuji in terms of how much he swears Ann [8:24 A.M.] oh!! did u just get introduced to your class!! how was it!! Shiho [8:24 A.M.] not. the best? i kinda just want the day to be over aren't you meant to be focusing on class Ann [8:25 A.M.] youre much more important than whatever ushimarus talking about :// besides!! u say that as if we didnt text each other during class time at all !! be sure to message me when your break and lunch is!! ill try to keep messages in those time so i dont get ya in trouble so early on so!! im gonna go radio silent for now so ya dont get scolded good luck!! ♥♥ message me if ya need anything!!! The corners of her mouth lift up ever so slightly. — Shiho's never been one for being the center of attention. It was just a guarantee, being quiet-natured and friends with a foreign-looking student that everyone seemed to have a vendetta against. Ann's always been the one to dispel unwanted attention previously, too. But she's not here-- so when a couple of students crowd around her desk after class ends, she can feel herself freezing up. "So, you're from Tokyo, too!" One peppy girl says, her hair pulled into a half pony tail. "What chance! It's so rare to get transfers here in the same year! And for them to be from Tokyo!" "I wonder if it's gonna be a trend, like more people from the city will come flooding in," the girl with glasses says. "How's the jump, huh?" The boy who sits in front of her asks, sitting backwards in his seat to face her. She bristles at the question, ice creeping in her veins. He grins innocently, to which she realizes of course they wouldn't know, don't worry, its just weird phrasing, "Seta-san didn't say much about it. What about you? From the city to the middle of nowhere?" Its quiet for a beat, and Shiho really wished they weren't looking at her. "It's... alright, I mean," Shiho says slowly, trying to choose words that aren't too strong in feeling. She had lived in Tokyo for her whole life, and the countryside is so, so different, but she doesn't know how to explain the feeling to these people. She doesn't think any of them will really understand what it's like to be plunged into silence after being surrounded by noise her whole life. "It's... kinda nice being able to see an actual hillside when I walk around, though?" The girl with glasses giggles at her response. "Nature over industry, right? Seta-san adjusted pretty quickly, so I don't think it should be a problem for you!" Well, sure. But that's also Seta-san. Seta-san probably wasn't booted from his home, his friends, his life, all because of the decisions that were outside of his reach, and then dumped off in a place so different, so far away from all he's known. She isn't Seta-san, and she doesn't want to be here. Shiho smiles instead and pinches the back of her hand. "Hopefully." "Have you had the chance to wonder around Inaba yet?" the boy in front of her asks idly. Shiho briefly wonders how long break is, so she doesn't have to sit through much longer of this. She wishes this could just end. She wishes the day would end. "I have," she says, trying to ward off the strain in her spine. "Um, I didn't get to see much, though. We only went to a noodle place, really, which wasn't far..." "Oh! You mean Shishio's Noodle Bar?" One of the girl chimes. Shiho can only nod yes, because she doesn't really know what place it was and it seemed like the proper thing to say. "I love that place! They just put the right amount of sauce on, and the perfect amount of meat in!" the girl gushes, "There's tons of independent restaurants around here, and all of them are incredible!! You really need to try them all, Suzui-san!" Shiho tries to say something back, maybe like the noodles were great or what are your favorite places or just ok, because that seems like the things to say, she can't just give up having an okay school year here just because she doesn't want to be here, right? Even if her skin is crawling at the prospect of conversation with strangers. Ann would want her to try, wouldn't she? And besides, these people-- they're trying to make the effort to talk to her, she has to at least respond. Maybe they want to be friends? But— she finds herself drowned out the second she opens her mouth. "Oh, have you been to the Steak House recently?" the glasses girl asks, unknowingly right over Shiho's quiet words, "they added a new flavor and a kebob option! It's super tasty!" "No way! I gotta try some now! You wanna come with me after school?" "Definitely! You wanna come, Asahi?" "Oh, hell yeah! I'd never pass up going to that place!" "We can go if it's not raining after school. I swear, all it's been doing is raining! Some spring it is..." "It's karma! We didn't get much snow, so now we have tons of rain." Ah. Suddenly, it's like a void has grown around her and the people lounging on the desks around her. She knows these people are trying, maybe, trying to welcome her here, to make her not feel lonely, maybe to be friends, but-- she doesn't feel there, not physically, with people talking all around her, and-- She squeezes her phone. It'd be rude to pull it out and text Ann, wouldn't it? These people seem nosey, they might ask her who-- "Ah, isn't the Steak House near where the police are hanging out, though?" The boy asks solemnly, arms crossed over the back of his chair. "The street might be blocked off, since they're investigating every corner of Inaba." The glasses girl grumbles aloud. "What a pain! I swear, they're just everywhere now-a-days, especially since Tatsumi went missing..." Tatsumi. Shiho remembers that name. She remembers the police officer asking her and her father, in the dark of night, if they knew where the kid was. Wasn't he a student at Yasogami? These-- these people don't seem particularly alarmed that he's missing. "I, uh--" Shiho starts, curiosity bubbling out of her. Should she even ask-- well-- it's a little late to recoil, with the curious expression on the boy's face and the two girls peering at her. She swallows, and starts again. "I-- who... who is Tatsumi Kanji?"

The reaction... isn't what she expected, if she's being truthful. The boy's mouth twists into a brief sneer, the girls scowling. It's like she spoke words of taboo, and not someone's name. "Tatsumi? He's just a punk." The boy waves it off, like he isn't someone missing. "All he knows how to do is pick a fight. Some first year asshole-- thought he was on top of the school..." "Don't worry about him, Suzui-san," one girl says politely, yet it's the furthest thing from it, "he's probably off with a gang doing who knows what-- drugs, getting drunk, whatever. He's total a creep." And. And it hits her like how it was with Akira. She remembers dimly, words of warning, pointing fingers, averted gazes, all regarding a transfer student with curly hair and dorky glasses, don't speak to him, he's a criminal, you know? Akira only wanted to live quietly, and yet-- his whole life in Tokyo, shattered, from day one. Yet-- yet he was nothing like what people said, he wasn't a bad person. Ann trusts him, trusts him wholeheartedly. She told Shiho that he's exactly the dork that he looks like, he loves Big Bang burger challenges, he loves cats, he's a prankster, he-- he didn't deserve to have everyone scorn him-- And she remembers the quiet confession of Mishima to her, his hands shaking violently, eyes glassed over, he told me to. He told me to ruin Kurusu's life, to share the criminal records. All because of Kamoshida-- Shiho doesn't know Tatsumi Kanji, doesn't know if he's actually a creep or a punk or an asshole, but he's still missing. Shouldn't-- shouldn't they in the least care--? "Hey, lay off." They all turn— there's a group of kids sitting in the middle section of the classroom, two of them glaring. The two glaring are both brunettes, and there's a black-haired girl trying to divert their attention, with quiet 'don't start a fight, you guys--' yet with a hard look in her eyes, and a gray-haired boy sitting down, a mix of a scowl and a simple frown on his face. His eyes are sharp, but he's not stand-offish as the other two. A girl scowls in front of her. "What are you talking about, Hanamura?" "Tatsumi isn't some creep or asshole. All of you just are judging him without knowing who he really is," the brunette girl says, fists clenched by her sides. "I don't know about that," the boy in front of her says languidly, "Don't you know the kind of deals he's been making with those biker gangs? He's a delinquent, through-and-through." The brunette boy looks ready to retaliate, but the bell cuts him off before he can start. The people around her disperse, her seat mate returns, and class starts. Shiho fiddles with her phone, and wants to leave. — Shiho resorts to fleeing from the classroom when lunch begins, hoping to avoid any curious classmates and to maybe figure her way around the building. She opted out for lunch, anyways-- she left the box on the counter, knowing that she might not be able to eat with her stomach roiling with nervous energy from being in this school. The halls are sparse with students. Some talking, some wandering, some staring. She bristles, knowing she’s like a sore thumb in this school-- in Inaba, really, which is apparently so countryside that a new family moving in was about the most intriguing thing around. That can’t possibly be true-- sure, Inaba wasn’t big, the high school even smaller, but there’s no way that this community was so tightly knit that everyone knew everyone so anyone outside of the goddamn place was the most interesting person around, with stories of places so far away. There’s a train station here, it can’t be like there’s no outsiders around. She just wishes Ann was responding so she could keep her attention off the lingering looks and curious glances. She heads up a flight of stairs, trying to scope a library she might be able to stake out lunch in for the rest of the school year. It’s always quiet in the library, and hopefully it’ll keep any students from trying to talk to her. Especially with just being there, in the classroom, surrounded but alone, included but only because of proximity-- she doesn’t think she has the guts to really talk with anyone today, anyways. She might not have the guts to talk in the next few weeks-- she’s never been the new kid, never been in a different house, never not been surrounded by busy streets, she’s only known her home in Tokyo. She can’t find the library or any club rooms, which is kinda strange. Maybe they’re on the first floor? There’s another set of stairs ahead of her; it’s either the rooftop, or another floor that might have them. She doesn’t see anyone else heading up, so it must be the roof? Ah. Well, she’s still got time to explore. The roof might be a place of solitude if the library isn’t. Kinda ironic, she thinks fleetingly, footsteps quiet as she goes up. The hallway is bright with light from a set of doors-- it’s the roof. There’s no signs or anything to keep students out, so Yasogami must be one of those schools where the roofs are open. Shujin wasn’t, but it’s not like anyone really cared. She briefly wonders how things would be if they did. She opens the door, and the wind immediately seems to pick up the second she does, sending her hair whipping around behind in her pony tail. The air’s weighty with rain soon to come, but it’s only fairly cloudy out. Ah, wow-- the roof is clean, free of abandoned desks and instead has an applaudable amount of solar panels set up. There’s a couple of students up here already, talking amongst themselves and picking at bento boxes resting on their laps. It’s a big, open space. It’s nearly strange not to see tall buildings blotting out the sky, or casting long shadows over the rooftop. It sets the roof as a whole different entity in her mind-- her knees ache, but not in the same crippling way they did on Shujin’s, when she stood up there with Ann and Akira and tried to keep face while looking down. It’s bright, clean, and she can see the sky. So. Maybe it is a kind of fresh start. She still hates Inaba and wants to be back in Tokyo, but hey, it’s something.

#persona 5 #p5 #persona 4 #p4 #persona #shiho suzui #ann takamaki

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zoemurph · 6 years

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to have a friend, chapter 10: $233

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9

haha im dying!

thank you for being patient. i have one essay left, a group project (that includes another essay :P), a final quiz, a flash fiction piece, and a final. and i'm done with my first semester of college? i'm actually...taking next semester off so...probably more consistent updates after this. phew. oh and i won nano? wild

i'm exhausted and genuinely don't like at least 75% of this chapter, but it's done. please please p l e a s e read the end notes for a little disclaimer thanks

warnings: anxiety, depression, panic attacks, let me know if any other warnigns should be added

enjoy~

Sometimes Connor has the really strong urge to hold Evan’s hand.

It’s a weird feeling. This desire to just reach out and take Evan’s hand in his own and not even say anything, just hold it.

Sometimes Connor thinks that romantic feelings are bullshit. Especially when it’s seven in the morning and Evan sees him waiting by the locker and lights up like the goddamn sun and Connor’s stomach tries to become an Olympic gymnast.

Like right now.

Evan stands next to Connor, their arms almost touching, as he talks to Alana. They’re still trying to figure out a name for their club, because for whatever reason, Alana refuses to use The Fuck Project.

Jared thinks it’s hilarious, which has somehow worked against the name.

Alana is going on about the details. Evan nods, and he probably knows what’s going on, but Connor’s zoned out. Alana has this in the bag and also Connor isn’t actually involved in their little pet project. Even if the initial idea did come from Alana being way too fucking nosy.

She’s nice when she’s not picking Connor’s brain.

So Alana and Evan talk and Connor stands and people pass them and time until the next class starts ticks down and down and down. It’s a nice moment. Weirdly calm. For once, Connor doesn’t feel entirely awful, despite where he is and everything about himself.

He still wants to hold Evan’s hand.

It’s not like Connor actively tries to think about it. The opposite, in fact. As soon as thoughts about dating Evan pop up, he shoves them to the very back of his brain. He quarantines them away in the darkest corners, because thinking about it hurts.

Evan has made himself a constant in Connor’s life. But a temporary constant. Which is weird and annoying and tiring. Sometimes Connor’s emotions bubble up inside him and threaten to spill out and then Evan will give him this look when Connor pays him and everything just vanishes. Evan looks at Connor and all Connor’s thoughts shrink back and go ‘fuck never mind’.

That doesn’t mean that he’s actually good about not thinking it. He’s getting worse, actually. It’s turning into a mild problem.

Evan can just look at Connor and Connor’s heart will flip and his mind will be consumed with ‘holy fuck I would date the shit out of him’.

He would. Connor has absolutely zoned out staring at Evan on multiple occasions. He keeps passing it off as being tired and honestly it’s a miracle that Evan hasn’t started asking about Connor’s sleep schedule— which is a disaster but isn’t why Connor keeps staring Evan.

Connor keeps staring at Evan because his brain is a fucking traitor and likes to think about what it would be like to kiss Evan.

Of all the boys to fall in love with, Connor had to go and fall in love with Evan Hansen.

Connor checks his phone under his desk. It’s been facedown on his desk — he’s making an attempt in calculus because he’s doing a really shit job right now and he has to pass because he literally cannot spend a day longer in this hellscape than he has to — but he can see the screen lighting up repeatedly.

From: Ev To: Connor AR eyou in clasright no w Of cours e youre in c alss where els e wi oudl you b Im so ryrcan you g et out ?

Connor squints at the board. There are x’s and t’s and some other bullshit that he doesn’t understand. A lot of lines and marks.

Fuck.

He opens another conversation.

From: dickbag To: assface you any good at calc?

Jared replies surprisingly fast. Actually, not so surprisingly. Connor is actually not surprised at all that Jared uses his phone in class.

From: assface To: dickbag ive got a mean b in calc bc y

Connor raises his hand and asks to go to the bathroom. The teacher waves him out the door and keeps teaching.

From: assface To: dickbag i have to do something and i need to not fail you willing to tell me what the fuck is happening?

From: Connor To: Ev where are you? got out of class

Connor heads to the bathroom, because he’s already on the third floor and that’s where Evan was last time. And it’s the closest bathroom. His phone buzzes in his hand as he hurries through the hall and he tries not to groan when it’s just Jared.

From: dickbag To: assface no promises but i can try dont know y ur coming to me lmao also i charge $10/hr

From: assface To: dickbag fine but youre a dick

Connor pushes the bathroom door open. The lights are on, someone’s been in here in the past ten minutes, but the bathroom is empty. He drags his hand through his hair and catches a look at himself in the mirror.

Wow. He looks like shit.

Connor rubs his face and checks his phone again. It’s been buzzing, but it’s just been Jared.

From: dickbag To: assface not news whats so important that ur running out of class?? o shit drugs? 420 blaze it i dont kno weed culture

As Connor scrolls through Jared’s messages, a text from Evan pops up on the top of his screen.

From: Ev To: Connor J aanito s clostesecond follr

Connor runs into a wide eyed freshman as he hurries out of the bathroom and swings around a corner to get to the stairs. He only vaguely knows where that closet it, because he’s never had a reason to pay attention to it. Janitor’s closets are usually locked and it’s not like Connor is observant when it comes to his surroundings.

He skips the last few steps and just jumps down to the landing, slowing to a fast walk as he searches the hallway for the janitor’s closet. He finds it tucked into a corner between two classrooms. He glances up and down the hallway before he knocks softly. He tries the handle and knocks again before he pulls the door open.

“Evan?” he asks softly into the darkened closet. Light from the hallway spills into the darkness, barely brushing Evan’s shoes. Evan is huddled into the corner furthest away from the door, squished between shelves, on the ground with his knees pulled to his chest and his arms covering his head.

Connor stares for a minute, listening to Evan’s ragged breathing, before he steps into the closet. He turns on his phone’s flashlight and covers it with his hand before pulling the door closed. He lets some light slip through his fingers and finds a bottle of Windex on one of the shelves. He puts his phone under it and the room glows blue. Maybe life hacks aren’t always as shitty as they seem.

Connor sits down on the floor next to Evan. “Ev,” he whispers. “Can I help?”

Evan doesn’t look up. After a few seconds he stops holding on to his hair so tightly and holds a shaking hand out to Connor. Connor takes it. Almost immediately, Evan’s hand clenches around Connor’s, squeezing Connor’s fingers tightly. Connor moves over so the position is less awkward and lightly squeezes Evan’s hand back.

Connor sits and waits, because he doesn’t really know what else to do. He watches Evan’s breathing and tries not to let his mind wander too much, because it’s too early in the day for any of that shit.

Evan loosens his grip on Connor’s hand and the tension seems to run out of his body. He sags against the wall and slowly lifts his head from his knees. He pulls his hand away. “S-sor-sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Connor says. His voice sounds weirdly rough. He clears it and stretches out his fingers.

Evan stares at them. “I— i-if I hurt your…your hand I didn’t mean to I just—”

“You didn’t,” Connor interrupts quickly. “See?” He wiggles his fingers. “Work just fine.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Do you…uh, want to talk about it?”

Evan makes a strangled sound. “N-nothing to… I mean there’s always—” He rubs his eyes with the back of his hand. “D-dr. Sherman always says that— that there’s something? And I just don’t u-understand what so I’m…supposed to process it. But I just…”

“I think it’s a fucking lot to ask you to process shit right after a panic attack,” Connor says flatly.

Evan shrugs helplessly. “I don’t— I-I forget. I forget what I’m— what I feel in the moment a-and what I was thinking and then when she asks what was going through my mind I can’t tell her and then I feel worse and like a failure and I think I’m supposed to be getting better because I go to therapy and I take meds and—” Evan cuts himself off to take a deep breath. “It takes time,” Evan says softly. “It takes time. It takes time and it’ll get better it just—”

“Takes time?” Connor asks.

Evan smiles at him weakly. “Y-yeah.”

The bell rings, slightly muffled. Evan goes tense.

Connor thinks about his calculus teacher. She probably won’t be thrilled that he skipped out on the rest of class, but whatever. Maybe he’ll do homework for once and try to get back on her disinterested side.

“Your mom is working right now, isn’t she?” Connor asks slowly.

Evan nods. “Yeah, she’s a-always working. Pretty much.”

“We’ve still got three classes to get through.” Connor bumps their knees together. “Can you hide out in the nurse’s office or something? I’d say just leave, but…” Evan shakes his head. “Yeah, exactly. I don’t know shit about doing things the ‘right’ way.”

“I’ll…be okay,” Evan says.

Connor stares at him.

“It’s-it’s really fine,” Evan insists.

“Ev—”

“I’ve done it before, it’s not a big… I’ll just— it’s okay, really.”

“You aren’t taking the bus home today,” Connor says. He gets to his feet and takes the Windex off of his phone. “Light warning.” Evan covers his eyes. Connor flicks the light on and winces in the brightness before shutting off his flashlight. He slides his phone into his pocket and offers Evan his hand.

Evan takes it and lets Connor haul him to his feet. “Y-you don’t have to—”

“Fuck the bus,” Connor interrupts. “Zoe has a perfectly good car.”

Evan blinks. “Doesn’t she have rehearsal today?”

“How do you know my sister’s schedule better than I do?” Connor opens the door of the closet and peers out into the hallway. They have to be careful, because high school is fucking hell. Most people won’t give a shit and don’t pay attention to shit, but all it takes is one person assuming something. When no one is looking, he steps out of the closet and pulls Evan along, walking away from the closet quickly and melting into the thinning crowd. “So what if we have to wait for her to get out, just hang around with me for a little bit.”

As soon as Connor says it, his stomach twists. “I don’t have any today but—”

Evan stops walking, yanking Connor back a bit. They’re still holding hands. Connor pulls his away and puts his hands in the pocket of his sweatshirt.

“D-don’t,” Evan says.

Connor furrows his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

“You’re already— you’re doing me a favor by…by driving me home. So you don’t have to…” Evan gestures with his hands. “Debt paid. It’s— you’re fine.” Connor stares at him. “I— okay.”

Evan takes a step back. “I have to… I have class. I’ll see you after.” He spins on his heel and walks down the hallway, dodging other students before disappearing around a corner.

—«·»—

Connor drops into his seat in the back of AP Literature and puts his head down on his desk.

He needs to think about something — anything — other than Evan. Evan is supposed to be the one who thinks himself into an anxious spiral, not Connor. And Connor can’t help but feel like something is horribly wrong.

But, fuck, he wouldn’t stop their arrangement for anything. He’ll keep paying Evan to put up with him in the halls for as long as he possibly can, just to see Evan smile.

He wants to see Evan smile today. Anything other than the empty expression he had on his face when he walked away from Connor earlier.

Alana sits down next to Connor. Sometimes Connor forgets him and Alana talk now, even if it’s only because she’s Evan’s friend and probably thinks this is a good way to keep tabs on Evan. All she’s ever wanted from Connor is information, anyway.

Connor stares out the window at the icy field hockey field spread out in front of the school as the teacher starts the lesson. Something about the essay they have due in a few days at midnight.

Alana hands over her essay, printed and typed, five pages long double spaced and stapled in the corner. “It’s just a rough draft,” she says.

Connor blinks at the paper. “Uh…were we supposed to…”

She shakes her head. “No, we just needed to have an outline today.” She adjusts her glasses and opens a notebook. “But if you didn’t—”

“I did,” Connor says quickly. He actually did for once. “Here.” He pulls out his notebook and flips through pages and pages of shitty sketches to the section where he just stuffs any loose papers he’s handed. He pulls out the outline and smooths it out a little. “Don’t expect anything.”

“I’m sure it’s fine,” Alana says as she takes it from him.

Connor squints at her. “I did this while high so it’s either a brilliant disaster or just a fucking mess.”

Alana grins. “I hope it’s a brilliant disaster.”

“Probably not.”

She just shrugs and pulls out a pen, tapping it on her notebook as she skims over the outline. Connor turns to Alana’s essay and starts reading. Alana likes words and complex sentences. She’s good at backing up her points with evidence from the text, and doesn’t dance around her conclusions. She has a structure and logic to her essay that Connor’s never been able to achieve. He just sort of says words until he feels like he’s done.

He reads her fourth paragraph a few times, picking at his nail polish as he does so. He glances over to Alana and then reads it again.

She’s scribbling on his outline when he looks back to her. She meets his eyes. “Something wrong?”

Connor’s eyes flick from her to her essay. “Uh…no.”

Alana rolls her eyes and hands him her pen. “Fix it. Whatever it is. That’s the entire point of peer review.”

“I could be wrong—” Connor starts, but Alana holds up a hand to stop him.

“I’ll decide what to do with your feedback. Just do it.”

Connor nods slowly and hesitates with the pen hovering over the paper. “What are you doing, by the way?”

“Translating.”

“What?”

Alana pulls another pen from her backpack and uncaps it. “Your outline is good, you have some really good ideas in here, it’s just lost in the typos and grammar.”

“I can figure it out,” Connor says. “You don’t have to do that shit.”

Alana raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

Connor blinks. “…not anymore?”

She nods firmly. “Exactly. You edit mine, I’ll edit yours. You won’t hurt my feelings, please, feel free to rip it to shreds.”

Connor exhales slowly. “Okay, Beck. Whatever.” He strikes out a sentence. “Whatever you say.”

—«·»—

Connor meets Evan by Evan’s locker. They lock eyes and for a second everything feels weird. And then Jared shows up.

Connor has never been relieved to see Jared Kleinman before.

“What’s up?” Jared asks, clapping a hand on Evan’s shoulder. “My…main bros.”

Connor rolls his eyes. “Don’t call me that.”

“Alright, crossing that off the list.” Jared gives Evan a look and Evan shrugs. Connor looks between them and shifts his weight to his other foot. “Anyway, you free on Saturday?” he asks Evan.

Evan blinks. “Y-yes?”

“My moms wanted you over for dinner. They’re going to try to harass Heidi into coming too but,” Jared shrugs, “we know how that is.”

Evan smiles and ducks his head. “I-I mean— yeah that’d be…that’d be nice. Um, I can…ask my mom?”

“Nice.” Jared holds his fist out for a fist bump. Evan rolls his eyes and knocks their knuckles together. “Okay, text me, cause if she’s working, I’ll swing by and pick you up.”

Evan nods. “O-okay, I will.”

“Sweet, got to dash or I’ll never get out of here.” Jared shoots finger guns at Connor. “See, ya Murph,” he says before sprinting down the hallway.

Connor lifts a hand to wave goodbye as jealousy twists in his stomach. It makes him feel gross. He swallows it and turns to Evan. “So, uh…we can probably hide in a practice room until Zoe’s done.”

Evan pulls on the straps of his backpack. “A-are they, um, open? Because I know, I mean I’ve heard because sometimes the band kids in my classes complain about this, that they lock? Or get locked? So…”

“We can…check?” Connor suggests.

Evan nods. “That’s…probably a good idea.”

Connor leads Evan down to the music wing. The first two practice rooms are locked, but the third that they try is unlocked. Connor raises his eyebrows at Evan and pushes the door open. The lights flicker on automatically and Evan closes the door behind them.

All four of the practice rooms are the same in Connor’s experience, a keyboard and bench, a trash, and maybe a stand or chair that someone has dragged in. Except one, that for some reason, has two pianos. They lucked out and that is exactly the room they’re in. Less room, but it doesn’t really matter.

Evan puts his bag down on one of the piano benches and then sits on the floor in the space between the end of the piano and the wall.

Connor coughs. “Uh…are you…okay?” He winces. Yikes.

“Tired,” Evan says softly.

Connor glances to the light switch before pressing the button to turn off the lights. There’s still a decent amount of light from the window in the door, but it’s darker. Connor puts down his bag and joins Evan on the floor. Evan looks up at him.

“Take a nap,” Connor suggests.

Evan blinks at him.

Connor sighs. “Scoot over.”

Evan moves so he’s as close to the piano as he can get. Connor squeezes into the space between Evan and the wall. There’s way more space in these practice rooms than it seems, the pianos make them look small.

Connor pulls on the sleeve of Evan’s sweatshirt. “Just lean on me. More comfortable than the wall, probably, though I’m basically all bone.”

“Y-you sure?”

Connor rolls his eyes because it feels right. “I wouldn’t be offering if I wasn’t. Close your eyes, Ev.”

“Okay,” Evan whispers. He rests his head on Connor’s shoulder. “Wake me up if your arm falls asleep.”

“Sure,” Connor lies.

A few minutes later, Evan’s breathing starts to even out. When Connor is sure that he’s asleep, he carefully pulls his phone out of his pocket.

From: C To: Z waiting in practice room c evans napping so dont come in just knock or some shit

Once he’s sent the texts, he puts his phone down and turns his attention back to Evan. Connor turns his head to look down at Evan, and when his nose brushes Evan’s hair, his heart goes into double time.

Fuck.

—«·»—

Connor thinks he’s drifted off when Zoe finally knocks on the door. He inhales sharply and sits up straighter, eyes wide. He leans forward to see Zoe standing in front of the door with her guitar on her back and her saxophone in hand.

He leans back and sighs. Okay.

Connor shakes Evan’s shoulder. “Ev, Ev wake up. Zoe’s done.”

Evan groans and blinks blearily. “Huh?”

Connor’s breath catches in his throat. He finds himself lost in Evan’s sleepy eyes for a moment too long and hopes Evan’s still too asleep to notice. “Zoe,” he says. “We can go home now.”

“Oh.” Evan pulls himself to his feet using the piano. About halfway up, he grabs Connor’s arm and pulls Connor up as well.

They grab their bags and open the door.

“Sleep well?” Zoe asks with a smirk.

Connor flips her off behind Evan.

Evan shrugs. “I-it was the floor.”

Connor takes Zoe’s saxophone from her. “Let’s go. I have an essay to write.”

Zoe blinks. “You do?”

“Unfortunately,” he grumbles.

The parking lot is blissfully empty when they step outside. The air is bitter and cold, and Connor wishes that it would just snow more than half an inch so the burning cold is worth it. He grabs Evan’s arm when Evan slips on ice and Zoe makes an offhanded comment about driving and black ice.

“You know?” she says to Evan.

Evan blinks. “N-no, I don’t— I don’t drive?”

Zoe frowns. “Do you take the bus?”

Evan turns pink, and Connor wonders if he’s redder because of the cold or not. “Yeah, it’s…yeah.”

Zoe looks to Connor.

“What?” Connor asks.

“What time does the bus pick you up?” Zoe asks.

“Uh…” Evan slows his walk. “I— around like…6:35?”

Zoe purses her lips. “Okay. Monday? We can swing by and pick you up.” She twirls her car keys around her finger. “Unless you hate my music choices as much as Connor does.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Evan says quickly.

“Too late,” Zoe sing songs. She unlocks the car and pops the trunk open. She puts her guitar in and then takes her saxophone from Connor. “We’d be happy to, right Connor?”

“Duh,” Connor says. “The bus is bullshit.”

“Good for the environment,” Evan says. “P-public transport!”

“We’re already using this car.” Zoe slams the trunk shut. “So it doesn’t actually matter. No additional cars on the road, just one less Evan the a bus.”

“Uh…”

“Sleep on it.” She rubs her arms. “Let’s go before I freeze.” She glances to Connor as she moves to the driver’s side. “How are you alive?”

Connor shrugs and pulls open the car door. He slides into the backseat next to Evan. “Can’t feel cold if you’re dead inside.”

Zoe twists around in her seat to glare at him before shutting the door. She turns on the car, blasts the heat even though it’s just air at the moment, and plugs her phone in. “Today we’re listening to Billy Joel,” she announces. “Get over it Connor.”

Connor just leans his forehead against the cold window as Uptown Girl plays from the speakers.

Zoe asks for directions a few times, but for the most part, they drive in silence aside from the Billy Joel in the slowly warming car.

Connor sits up when they arrive at Evan’s. “I’ll text you,” he says.

Evan gives him a smile. “Y-yeah. Thanks for the ride.”

“I’ll see you Monday at 6:40!” Zoe calls out before he shuts the door. She turns to look at Connor. “You moving up?”

“I guess.” Connor unbuckles and climbs over the center consul to get into the passenger seat. He buckles back in and Zoe backs out of the driveway.

“So…” she says slowly. “You and Evan.”

“What about us?” Connor asks flatly.

Zoe glances to him. “Anything…up?”

“Do you want me to say it?”

“No, but I can’t stop you from doing shit.”

“The sky.”

Zoe rolls her eyes. “Great, now that that’s out of the way—”

“Nothing,” Connor interrupts. “Can’t two people be friends?”

“Well, yeah, obviously.” Zoe taps on the steering wheel. “You just seem like more than that.”

Connor scoffs. More like barely that. “We aren’t.”

“Do you want to be?”

Connor stares at the road. “The light is green.”

Connor spends most of his Saturday writing his paper. Because Alana had written all over his outline and now he feels obligated to make something half decent out of the genius she turned his bullshit into. Also, she shared her essay with him on google docs the night before for him to edit — he does not know why the fuck she did that and hates the fact that school emails are standardized so she didn’t even have to ask for his email — and offered to edit his in return. He’s not going to give up that opportunity. He’s doing fine in english but another solid essay grade can get his parents to calm down for at least a day.

He texts Evan and draws when he’s not writing. The other weekend, Cynthia dragged him off to the store with her, so he threw a cheap set of kids’ watercolors in the cart. And a box of Capri sun. He sits on his floor and drinks a Capri sun while he waits for a painting to dry. Evan is making lunch right now, so it’ll be a few minutes before he responds. Evan doesn’t usually text Connor while he’s making food, apparently the risk of fire is higher than normal, and that’s not just Evan’s anxiety talking.

Evan had texted him the night before thanking him for the ride home. Connor had replied ‘what are friends for’ and then threw his phone across the room so he didn’t have to read Evan’s response. It didn’t end up mattering, because Evan’s next text wasn’t sent until this morning, and it was a frantic apology because he fell asleep before responding.

Connor just said it was fine and changed the subject as fast as he could.

Connor sighs and gets to his feet. As he waits for the painting to dry, he’s really fucking impatient, he takes pictures of some of his least shitty doodles from class and posts them on a randomass tumblr he made after Evan suggested posting his art online. Mostly Connor did it out of curiosity, he didn’t really use the site otherwise, just posts drawings and then vanishes for a few days, but it’s also good because it means he has somewhere where all his art was stored digitally. He might’ve accidentally spilt a mug of coffee all over a notebook the other day. And he distinctly remembers setting a few sketchbooks on fire back in middle school.

From: Ev To: Connor Back ! ANd I didnt evne burn anything

Connor smiles to himself and leans against his bed.

From: Connor To: Ev congrats you now have the cooking skills of a 12 year old

From: Ev To: Connor :((

Connor hesitates before typing out his next message. He really shouldn’t ask — it’s a fucking terrible idea on so many levels — but it’s been slowly eating away at him. Which doesn’t make sense. But whatever.

From: Connor To: Ev doesnt matter though i mean youre having dinner tonight wth jared right??

He puts his phone on his desk and goes back to painting and tries not to think about it for a few minutes. It’s not fair of him to get jealous. Because Jared is trying to get better. He’s still a dick but there’s an attempt there.

Connor hasn’t changed anything.

He sits on the floor and works on the painting. Now that he has slightly less shitty watercolors, they’re still pretty garbage but they aren’t old and mostly gone, he uses way too much purple again.

Whatever.

He doesn’t check his phone again until he has to wait for more paint to dry. He’s tempted to grab a sketchbook and keep ignoring it, but that’s not fair to Evan.

From: Ev To: Connor Oh y eah We used to ha ve dinner a lot togethe r when ew wer elittle All oru moms were friends Kinda weird that were doing it again but… NIce?? Hopefull y ? My mom s ocming which is nice She hasnt been home ofr a few nights so yeah

Connor takes a slow breath before replying.

From: Connor To: Ev thats pretty cool �� i hope its fun and the food doesnt suck

Evan replies almost immediately, even though Connor took almost twenty minutes to respond.

From: Ev To: Connor Thnk you!!! Jareds moms are really good cook sso itll be good I think I hope dinner goes ok for you tonight !! Good luck :)

Connor stares at the smiley face and falls on his bed with a groan.

—«·»—

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Evan lately,” Larry says, pushing quino around his plate.

Connor resists the urge to roll his eyes. They never really talked about that. Sometimes, when Zoe goes over a friend’s house or has a friend over, Connor will give Larry a very pointed look and Larry will find something on his phone fascinating. An amazing double standard.

And, like? Of course he spends time with Evan. They’re best friends— pretending to be best friends. Connor doesn’t know how to get that through Larry’s thick skull.

Evan is Connor’s best friend.

“Well yeah,” Connor says, stabbing a piece of kale with his fork. “He’s my boyfriend.”

Wait, shit—

Zoe chokes on her drink.

“What?!” Larry practically shouts, silverware hitting the table.

Connor opens his mouth to explain that technically, no, they aren’t boyfriends, though they are friends who are boys, even if sometimes Evan looks at him and makes Connor feel like he’s turning to putty. But they aren’t actually—

He glances to his mom with wide eyes. “Mom? Are you okay?”

Cynthia smiles, eyes watering. “I’m just so happy for you, sweetie!”

Connor slowly looks around the table. His mother crying tears of joy, his father staring at him in shock, his sister trying to bite back a smile.

Connor needs to talk to Evan immediately.

They’re fucked.

—«·»—

Connor grabs Zoe’s before she can disappear into her bedroom. She stiffens and he pulls his hand away. “Sorry.”

“You’re fine.” She crosses her arms. “I thought you told me nothing was going on between you and Evan.” She raises her eyebrows.

Connor grimaces. “I— don’t tell Evan.”

Zoe tilts her head. “Don’t tell Evan…you’re dating?”

Fuck. “No, no, fuck.” Connor frantically searches his mind. “I, uh, we weren’t going to…tell people? Yet? And I…fucked that up. So don’t— don’t mention it to him until like he says something or whatever, okay?”

Zoe mimes zipping her lips. “Secret’s safe with me. But also, I fucking knew it.”

Connor forces a laugh and runs his hand through his hair. “Yeah. You did.”

Zoe goes back into her room and Connor grabs his phone and goes down to the basement. He wonders if he can get his door back for Hanukkah, but for now, this is the only private place he’s got. He would lock himself in the bathroom, but that’s still way too close to the rest of his family members for comfort.

He flicks on the light as he heads down the stairs and grabs a blanket off the back of one of the chairs. The basement is about half finished and has been since Connor was in middle school. One of those projects that Larry never got around to finishing. Now they mostly use it for storage and hanging out when it gets too hot in the summer and even central air isn’t working well enough. Him and Zoe used to camp out for weeks in the basement on air mattresses and stay up way past their bedtimes giggling.

Now it’s December. He hasn’t been down here since he punched the far wall when everyone else was asleep. Him and Zoe haven’t spent time together in here in years. They haven’t done much together in years.

Connor wraps himself in a blanket and sits down in one of the old oversized chairs. They’re only down here because the went out of style and were deemed unworthy for the living room.

He unlocks his phone, scrolls through his contacts, and presses call. Then he listens to the phone ring and hopes that they’re done with dinner at the Kleinmans’ while he waits for the call to be answered.

“Hello?”

Connor grits his teeth. “Hi. I…might need help.”

“Is it about Evan?”

Connor frowns. “Why do you assume it’s about Evan?” It is but—

Jared laughs. “Dude, we aren’t friends. The only reason you talk to me is because of Evan. What’s up?”

Connor blinks. He’s just gotten so used to having Jared constantly around that it’s like they’re basically friends. But not. Because Connor doesn’t have any real friends.

“I,” Connor clears his throat, “my family now thinks Evan and I are dating.”

There’s a long pause. Connor waits for Jared to start cackling, but Jared just whispers, “Holy shit.”

“Say whatever shit you want to now,” Connor mutters. “Get it out.”

“Holy shit,” Jared repeats. Connor rolls his eyes. “Murphy, what the fuck.”

“Yeah, I know, I fucked up.”

“What are you going to do?” Jared sounds almost amazed.

Connor frowns at the phone. This is not how he thought this conversation would go. “Pay Evan two hundred dollars? I know you meant that as a joke but—”

“Fucking shit, my dude. What the hell!”

Connor drags his hand through his hair. “Kleinman, my mom started crying when I said Evan was my boyfriend, okay? I can’t— fuck. I don’t know.”

Jared whistles.

Connor picks at his nailpolish. “Would Evan…go along with it? Do you think?”

“I think that’s a question for Evan.”

“I’m asking you.”

Jared snorts. “Okay, fine. I think he’ll go along with it.” It almost feels like Jared is going to say something more, but he doesn’t. “You got two hundred bucks lying around?”

“No,” Connor admits. He has an idea. It’s a terrible idea that could backfire, but it’s an idea.

“So…how are you going to get it?” Jared gasps. “Oh shit! Are we going to rob a bank?”

Connor frowns. “No? Why is that the first thing you came up with? Why would you rob a bank for two hundred dollars? Wouldn’t fucking…normal robbery be easier?”

“Fuck off. Are we doing that?”

“No.”

“Well we both know you’re not getting a job—”

“Fuck you.”

“—and that would probably take too long. Are we going to sell weed?”

“What? No,” Connor says. “Also how long did you restrain yourself before asking that?”

“Too long for that boring answer and reaction,” Jared admits. “Give me something to work with, stoner kid. We could just steal it. I know you said no, but—”

“Jared what the fuck,” Connor interrupts.

“Dude, you aren’t offering any ideas here, I’m just trying to help out.”

Connor rubs the bridge of his nose. “Fucking— do you know how PayPal works?”

“Yeah sure,” Jared says. “Super easy, why?”

Connor sighs. “Would you be willing to help me set one up?”

“Ten bucks.”

“Fine.”

“Yeah sure, you wanted some help on calc anyway. Do you have info on your bank account, by the way?”

“I…can find it,” Connor says slowly. “Does tomorrow work? My house?”

“Yeah sure, my man. Shoot me an address and a time. I expect snacks.”

Jared shows up on the doorstep ten minutes earlier than Connor expected with his backpack slung over one shoulder and a Starbucks drink in his left hand. “Sup.”

Connor rolls his eyes. “You’re early.”

“Fashionably.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“Whatever.”

Zoe leans out of the dining room. “Who’s here?”

Connor steps aside to let Jared in. Jared waves at Zoe.

Zoe squints. “What are you doing here?”

“So nice to see you again too, Smaller Murphy,” Jared says. He kicks his shoes off and puts them next to Zoe’s converse.

“Calc,” Connor says. “I’m…not doing great.”

“But you aren’t failing yet,” Jared says. “So we’re just going to keep you from not doing that. What are you learning again?”

Connor shrugs. “Something implicit. I’ll show you the homework.”

Jared nods. “Chill, chill.”

“Aren’t you friends with Alana?” Zoe asks.

“I…guess?” Connor frowns. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“She’s the valedictorian, isn’t she? Why didn’t you ask her for help?”

“Uh…” Connor looks to Jared.

Jared takes a sip of his drink. “I’m genuinely offended, by the way. I’m no Alana Beck but I am passing AP Calc BC, which is more than you can say for seventy percent of our class. Don’t take it.”

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Zoe assures him. “Just didn’t tutoring was your…thing.”

“Alana tutors,” Jared says.

“I know, that’s my point.”

“Ha ha very funny. She tutors a lot of people so it makes sense that I take someone off her workload.” Jared points to Connor. “As her friend, Connor understands.”

“Right.” Connor nods. “That.”

Zoe rolls her eyes. “I wasn’t judging you or anything I was just wondering. Have fun. Don’t set the house on fire, I’m going over Pippa’s to work on our history project, and Mom and Dad are out shopping or something.”

“I’ll keep Jared away from anything breakable,” Connor promises.

“I remind you I’m doing you a favor,” Jared says.

“You’re making me pay you.”

“Shit you’re right.”

—«·»—

“This is easy shit,” Jared says, looking up from Connor’s textbooks. “Really easy.”

Connor flips him off.

“I’ll explain it!” Jared promises. “This makes my job easier, probably. So back to real reason I’m here—”

“You are here to help me with math.” Connor reaches for his laptop. “I’m going to open commissions.”

Jared stares at him with a blank expression.

“Commissions,” Connor repeats slowly.

Jared blinks. “Since when do you draw?”

“Do you actually know anything about me?” Connor asks.

Jared looks away. “Valid. How can I help?”

“Mostly just need help with PayPal. And maybe wording the post? I don’t know shit about talking to people.” Connor opens his laptop and logs in. He closes a few tabs and opens up tumblr. He hesitates and then opens his blog. “Here.”

“Your theme is awful,” Jared says flatly.

“Did I ask you?”

“Didn’t have to.” Jared clicks a few times. “Dude, if you want to be selling your art, you need a theme that isn’t painful to look at.” Connor opens his mouth to protest, but Jared holds up a hand. “I’m doing you a favor here. Give me like ten minutes. I will change your world.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

Jared pushes away in the desk chair. “Too late, I’m not helping if we don’t change this ugly ass theme. Doodle or something while I do this. Make a commissions banner, I don’t fucking know.” Jared hunches over the laptop and starts typing.

Connor stares at him. Hopefully Jared isn’t going to charge him for this too.

Forty minutes later, Connor is putting aside a random drawing and Jared is looking up from the laptop.

“Bam, motherfucker,” Jared announces spinning the laptop around. “A picture heavy theme with easy navigation, readable text, and colors that don’t make me want to stab my eyes out.” Connor leans forward to see it. It actually looks pretty decent. And pretty professional. Jared has also added a few links, including one to Connor’s still nonexistent PayPal and a commissions page. “By the way, your art is pretty rad.”

Connor blinks. “Thanks. Did you want that bank account information?”

“Yeah sure.”

Connor gets up from the floor. “Let’s break into my dad’s office.”

Jared sets aside the laptop. “Sweet.”

—«·»—

Connor sits down in the chair in Larry’s office. He pulls open one of the lower drawers in the desk and flips through the the hanging folders until he finds one with his name.

“Don’t steal my identity or anything,” he says to Jared as he hands him one of the folders. “But see if anything in there is what you need.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Jared starts flipping through the papers. “Your identity is too lame to steal.”

“Thanks.”

Connor skims over various forms and papers with his name all over them. So weird that he’s attached to all of these things but doesn’t understand any of them. That might be concerning. Is he supposed to know what these mean? He squints at something that looks like it has something to do with money.

“I can’t believe you’re going through with this,” Jared mutters.

Connor looks up. “With?”

“This fake dating shit.” Jared puts a stack of papers down on the desk. “I thought this was convoluted before.”

“You helped.”

“So you two keep reminding me.” Jared flips a piece of paper over. “I think this is it.”

“Cool.” Connor puts his folder away and Jared puts Connor’s laptop on the desk. Connor fills out what he can and Jared helps with the rest.

“And you have a PayPal,” Jared announces, finishing the form. “If you click this you can transfer money to your bank account, which is how you’ll get the money off the internet and into Evan’s hands.”

Connor nods. “Makes sense.” He grabs the papers and puts them back into the folder. He puts it back in the bottom drawer and makes sure everything is just how Larry left it before he gets up from the chair.

“I genuinely didn’t think either of you would get invested in this shit,” Jared says as they stop in the kitchen to grab a bag of chips.

Connor shrugged. “I fucked up, that doesn’t mean anything.”

Jared gives him a flat look before biting into a chip. “Let’s just finish this shit so I can teach you how implicit differentiation works.”

Connor wrinkles his nose. “Fine.”

They bring the bag of chips up to Connor’s bedroom and sit on the floor with Connor’s laptop in front of them. Between handfuls of chips, Jared sentences to the post.

“We can’t call it ‘I’m Gay Give Me Money’,” Connor protests.

“Why not?” Jared asks. “It’s tumblr.”

“What’s your point?”

Jared pulls the laptop closer and starts typing. “We just say like… ‘I’m trying to meet my boyfriend’, we stay vague on the details no one wants to know the complexity of this shit and also it’s weird as fuck, ‘so I’m opening commissions’. Blah blah blah here are details…” Jared looks up at Connor. “Any suggestions for prices?”

Connor shrugs.

“You are the least helpful person,” Jared mutters. “Okay…going on what I saw on your blog…” He types rapidly for a few minutes. “And posted.”

“What?!” Connor grabs the laptop from Jared. “Why did you do that?!”

“You weren’t going to have anything to say so fuck it, it’s posted.” Jared pops another chip in his mouth. “Chill the fuck out.”

Connor reloads the page to check the post. He doesn’t have any idea if the prices are reasonable, but Jared put up Connor’s email and a link to his PayPal and tagged the post with a few tags that make sense and a few that don’t.

Connor groans. “If you fucked this up for me—”

“I didn’t,” Jared says. “I am doing you so many solids right now. And now I’m about to try to teach you calculus. I am literally a god.”

Connor resists the urge to slam his head against the keyboard.

#connor murphy #evan hansen #convan #tree bros #deh fanfic #my fics #to have a friend #hi im dy ign

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blankdblank · 7 years

Text

Secret Scarves Pt 1

(re-written version)

Tags –

@himoverflowers, @theincaprincess, @aspiringtranslator, @sweeticedtea, @ggbbhehe4455, @thegreyberet, @patanghill17, @jesgisborne, @curvestrology, @alishlieb, @jogregor, @armitageadoration, @abiwim, @deepestfirefun, @evyiione, @menewyn, @jotink78

…

To say you had been sheltered was an understatement, you finally managed to get away from your restrictive parents, staying with your Uncle Theoden who had been fighting for years to get you away from your parents, finally succeeding at fourteen, just in time for your freshmen year at high school. You had a lot to work through when he got custody of you, severely injured with little mobility, barely able to talk to anyone but him and your Cousins. For months your Uncle and Cousins in turns sat with you during your therapy until you were able to talk to the therapist on your own. For nearly a decade you’d been a well known name in the world as you rocketed to the top of the competitive swimming world and having reached the prestigious Olympic levels at just 14, just months before your freedom was finally achieved.

But for each emotional and social drawback you were also physically broken, having been freed but left without any sensation below your ribs. But sure enough you struggled through any and all obstacles to find your own sense of normalcy finally. For your sake at least you would fight through all, but most of all for your baby Brother’s sake. Little Jax just born and joining you under your Uncle’s custody from the moment of his birth placing him mainly under your watchful eye as you ensured his every happiness. Through your struggle, you had found knitting a good way to relieve your stress and quickly made a mountain of sweaters, scarves, hats, socks and started on a blanket.

Through High School you had no friends, other than Theodred, Eowyn and Eomer your cousins. With them being the only people who would spend time with you, everyone else thinking you were out of your mind. Including your teachers, who still did their best each day to dig their heels into your back to get you to talk at least once each class. Even against Theoden’s continuous speeches to them about letting you go at your own pace only hearing from them that you should just get over it and talk, you were making their days more difficult. Even though you made straight A’s they still demanded you speak to them and the class each day and in each and every class you had.

With your grades you had been accepted to Gondor University, a few hours distance away from your Uncle’s Rohan house by train, at least until he moved to Greenwood at the offer of a better teaching position near an old friend. Through your time in High School you had become introduced to Professor Denethor, who now worked with your Uncle in his new position. Their years of firendship allowing your quickly becoming friends with his older Son Boromir, who you had lived with when you attended your University, and staying with your Uncle on the weekends where the small coffee shop that you worked in part time was located.

In Gondor you had managed to make a few friends, not anyone you could purge your soul to or count on for a ride for a last minute trip to the airport, but they were nice to you and small talked with you through your day filled with classes. In school it wasn’t uncommon to find you spending nearly every moment with your arms and bag full of books and notes. Thankfully there was next to no participation demanded of you, easing your relationship towards teachers except a short few who disliked how quickly you worked through their textbooks and flooded them with questions not anywhere close to their syllabus, wishing you would just attend the classes and leave your work quietly. After three years you switched to your Uncle’s University for your graduate classes. You hoped you could work your last two years of school into one.

…

Your Uncle being one of the History teachers in Greenwood University, after they met for their first meeting before the semester started, he made sure to speak with the teachers of the classes you had signed up for. Informing them that you were shy and asking them not to force you to speak, letting them know a few things about your time in your High School with your teachers. Truthfully you were mostly normal now, just had a slow start when speaking with new people, unless you were speaking about something you were familiar with. But he would not risk the chance of your being pushed too far out of your comfort zone sealing his urge to share the gist of your timid nature with the teachers all curious about their new transfer student with perfect scores to begin with.

After he had left the meeting three of your Professors stopped at a diner for lunch, each of them trying to figure out why Theoden had told them about you and wondering if it was really that bad or if he was overreacting. With a sigh Dwalin relaxed against the back of his chair saying, “Surely he’s just being over protective.”

Thorin shrugged, “No doubt we’d have done the same if one of the boys was like that. Remember when you went after that teacher of Ori’s that made him cry forcing him into that play?”

Dwalin smirked back at him, “Not any worse than you and Frerin when Fili nearly got forced to repeat a year when that teacher didn’t like his year end project.”

Thranduil chuckled claiming a sip from his mug before Thorin told him, “Oh and don’t even get us started on you and Leg.”

Thranduil replied, lowering his mug, “I’m certain he has good reason to be protective.”

Dwalin nodded, “We’ll just have to treat her as one of the boys.”

Thorin chuckled softly thinking back to their rough yet protective nature with them, “Perhaps not exactly like one of the boys.”

Thranduil nodded, “Somewhere between them and Dis should do nicely.”

Dwalin, “Hopefully she won’t be as overbearing as Dis.” Earning a round of chuckles from the trio.

…

On your first day you had woken up under the giant pile of blankets you had sprawled across your bed messily, dropping into bed after a long shift at work the day before, having spent your few weeks off working in your lawyer Elrond’s firm helping with their new filing system. Slowly you rose, brushing your long black curly hair out of your face as you crawled out from under the covers heading for your bathroom. There you brushed your teeth and hair before pulling your loose curls back into a long ponytail, leaving your bangs hanging over the left side of your face. After you headed to your closet, pulling on your favorite pair of jeans and knee length socks under with your new black high heel black booties before choosing your shirt. For a few moments you stood staring at your choices before settling on a tight plain black t shirt with one of Boromir’s pale grey cardigan he had given you after it got too tight on him. Buttoning it as you grabbed your things and headed for the kitchen, where you ate quickly and grabbed your snacks and joined Theoden as he headed for the car. He had insisted on taking you to school, but since he was a teacher he need to get there early, as you parked you got out grabbing your bag in your exit and pulled it over your shoulder and hugged Theoden when he pointed you in the direction of your first class.

….

Thranduil Greenleaf - Art History

The room was empty when you got there, quietly you chose a desk in the second row near the wall and settled in. Quietly pulling out your snacks and your bottle of juice you had brought as you pulled out your new book, crossed your leg and propped the other on the chair in front of you, leaning back against your chair. A short while later you noticed two men, one of them you had assumed was your teacher, both continuing their conversation as the taller of the two spread out his things over his desk. He turned as the other spotted you, checking his watch before looking back to the other man and continuing their conversation, glancing over at you every few minutes curiously giving you a chance to sneak glances of your own when you recognized him.

After a bit the shorter man left as the taller one started setting out papers on the desks, still glancing over at you as he moved through the rows of desks, working his way forward from the desks behind you. As he moved closer he spotted you grab one of your snacks and slip it into your mouth when you turned the page in your book with your other hand. When he came up behind you, you grabbed the small container you had your small cinnamon rolls and orange slices in, and without looking as he came up next to you offered him one. He accepted one of each saying, “Thank you.” Quietly he slid the sheet on your desk saying, “It’s for the slides I have for later.” You nodded as he peered down at your book, quietly reading the page you were on trying to guess the title, “You’re reading about Stonehenge?”

You laid your book down upside down on the desk and looked up at him as he sat in the desk next to you. His eyes locked directly onto your bright purple eyes, making his heart skip as he remembered you from one of his stops in at the coffee shop you worked at last year before smiling and offering his hand, “Thranduil Greenleaf.” Your blank face broke for a quick moment as you gave him a quick smile accepting his handshake, “Jaqi Pear.”

Your eyes ran over his face, noting his brown shaggy hair that was brushed back and his silvery blue eyes with a light green button down shirt with a dark green sweater over it with jeans on under.

His smile grew as he leaned in a bit closer, “So you’re Theoden’s Neice?” You nodded and his eyes skimmed across your book reading the title before looking back to you, “If you like reading about the Stonehenge, I have a few books you could borrow if you wanted.” Through this his heart pounded while he relished the chance to finally speak with you fully out of the packed coffee shop where he’d so painfully missed what he imagined as his only chance to speak with you before your sudden vanishing.

He looked over your face carefully while you gazed back at him as if you were waiting for him to say something. Finally he saw another quick smile slide over your face again as you answered, “It was a gift, one of the last on a long list of books on the Stonehenge I got from one of my teachers last year.” He smiled again as your smile stayed a little this time rather then disappearing, his eyes lit up showing the silver streak running through them as you continued, “Large Chocolate Caramel Macchiato with double shot.” His eyebrow raised, “The last drink you ordered from the coffee shop I worked in last year.”

He chuckled, “You remembered that?” Dropping his eyes to the snacks he still had in his hand, before popped the small cinnamon roll in his mouth quickly to try to hide his smile as he chewed. Losing the battle so he popped the orange slice in his mouth, chewing it and looking up at you with another kind smile as you said, “Hard to forget the day someone nearly drove into the shop.”

He chuckled again, making his eyes light up again, “I nearly forgot about that.” His eyes darted to the copy of his text book on the desk below your other book, reaching out and gently pulling it out as he spotted the several sheets of notes through the book. He held it in front of him as he flipped through it, his smile grew as he flipped through it. He skimmed over the notes you had made and the summaries of each chapter and notes of the full summaries of each section with notations from other books. When he made his way to the end of the book, closing it with a soft chuckle he caught your gaze after you had placed your other book and the empty food container back in your bag. “You read and summarized the entire book. I’m going to have to break out my second syllabus for you to teach you anything new.”

You bit your lip quickly before releasing it as you let out a slow breath as his eyes sparkled at you again, “My teachers at my old school didn’t like my study habits, you don’t have to go to any extra efforts.”

He chuckled and leaned in a bit closer as he set the book down on your desk again, “I didn’t mean it as an imposition, I’ve been dying to have a student force me to pull out my extra work, normally my students barely scrape through my course. Since you’ve done the work already and laid out the groundwork, it’s my job to find something you haven’t learned yet.” His eyes darted to the door as he spotted the first of the other students walking through the halls, he took in a deep breath as he pulled away and stood as one walked through the door, before leaning down quickly whispering, “I enjoy a good challenge, I look forward to seeing what you can do.”

You smiled at him again, this time larger making his heart skip again as he saw a spark through your eyes, “I can’t wait to see what you’ve been holding back from your other students.” He smiled and chuckled again as he nodded his head turning and biting his lip in a failed attempt to keep his smile hidden. He finished laying out the papers before heading to his desk and waited for the rest of his students to arrive, eying you occasionally as you pulled out your notebook and pen, and dropped your foot from the desk in front of you as a student tried to choose the desk in front of you.

Through his class he tried as best as he could to focus on his lesson, trying to keep his eyes off you. Even going as far as throwing in a few of his hidden facts, confusing the other students as they didn’t see them on the sheet he had given them, leaving him smirking at their reactions and at your small smile that still hadn’t left since he spoke to you. After his class when you passed his podium he offered you directions to your next class then sat down against his desk as he watched you walk out of his classroom. Quietly admiring the bounce in your step, followed by the slight sway in your walk as best as he could from under your large shirt while your curly ponytail bounced and swung side to side as you walked away.

…

Thorin Durin - History (Not specific on which, couldn’t choose.)

You took the shortcut that Thranduil had given you. When you reached the door you spotted the last of the large group of what could only be perceived as depressed and irritated young adults rushing out of the door to freedom. Slipping inside quietly, avoiding one of the last of the students you slammed into something, you took a quick step back as you spotted the obstacle. Turning to face you was a tall solid Man in a dark blue button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, black jeans over a pair of black boots, as you looked him in the eye you caught his soft gasp as his mouth opened a little catching your eye color. His sparkling blue eyes ran over your face quickly trying to place how he knew you as you noted his black hair tied back with a short black beard, his face softening a bit as you quietly said, “Sorry.”

He gave you a soft smile as he reached out his hand with a hint of pride in his posture as he said, “Thorin Durin.”

You gave him a small smile as you took his hand, noting the paw of a hand with a few calluses on it, “Jaqi Pear.”

His head titled to the side as he recognized your name speaking again in a lower gravely voice as he smirked, “Theoden’s niece.” His smile grew a bit as you slid your hand out of his grip gently, grabbing your bag strap again as he looked down at you before spotting the students behind you hesitating to enter his class having heard from the last class what he had said about the workload. While he watched them you quietly slipped around him choosing a seat in nearly the same spot you always chose, where you pulled out your book, notebook and pen before he had noticed you were missing. Curiously he turned to see you in your seat already, causing him to smirk slightly as he looked over you again.

After a trip to his desk he grabbed the stack of packets he was going to hand out to the desks, heading for yours first. Dropping it down gently he noticed the papers in your book, as you noticed his inspection of your book you held it out for him. which he accepted with a smile that grew as he flipped through your book. He eyed the summaries and notes you had made, including several references from other books on certain topics most of his students barely noticed. He set the book down as the first students in your class were pushed through the door and others hesitantly followed, he gazed down at you with a soft smile, “I think I’m going to enjoy having you in my class very much.”

You glanced from the other students to him, “I take it you’re a tough teacher, I look forward to seeing your worst.” This caused a spark to fly through his eyes as he smiled, and turned to pass out the rest of the packets, starting his lecture with a loud stern voice with a face to match until he glanced at you, causing a soft gaze to flash across his face before going stern again.

Through his class you saw exactly why the others had been so upset. He had assigned two essays on the first day and said there would be at least four due a week, with a workload nearly double every other History course, the students, who unlike you, didn’t choose his class were placed in it because the others filled up much quicker. As he was going through his explanation for the yearly workload he spotted the small smirk on your face at the other students groaned before catching your gaze again, quickly softening before forcing himself to look away to start on his first lesson. After his class he also gave you a shortcut to your next class, eyeing you closely as you left, with his heart still pounding halfway through his next class.

…

Dwalin - Calculus (Just picked one)

As you entered his class, once again you were met by a mob of depressed students making you chuckle quietly as you slipped inside. On the path to your desk you saw the large broad shouldered Man with salt and pepper stubble over his head with a short matching beard in a maroon sweater rolled up at the elbow with black jeans and boots, laying a packet down on each desk. His actions paused as he spotted you choosing the seat in front of him, dropping your bag on the desk as you pulled your book for that class out with similar notes through it. He stepped beside your desk as you grabbed your notebook and pen for that class out of your bag. Quietly he set his stack down and lifted your book examining it with a similar grin as you asked, “Are you related to Professor Thorin Durin?”

He glanced up at you as he reached the last section of the completed book, closing it as you spotted the same striking blue eyes with a matching gasp at his notice of your eyes reminding him of someone he’d seen in a picture somewhere before. In a rough voice he replied, “Yes.” Holding out his hand, “Dwalin Durin.”

You smiled at him slightly, accepting his giant paw of a hand, “Jaqi Pear.”

You caught a spark in his eyes as he recognized your name and you continued, “Just how many of my teachers has he spoken to about me?”

He chuckled and smiled as he said, “All of us.” Chuckling again as you rolled your eyes and sat in your seat, crossing your left leg over the other, making a smirk slide across his face as he leaned down to ask, “You went through that entire book?”

You nodded, “Of course.”

He smirked, “I’ll have to work twice as hard to teach you then.” Shooting you another quick smirk as he caught a spark in your eyes as you laid your bag across your lap and he kept passing out his packets while your mind went blank at any response at all. Once again a class of groans sounded as he laid out his lesson plan and work load, crushing the hopes of the students who had wished for a simple Math class.

…

After his class you had Denethor for Physics and Minnas for Photography then your lunch and four more classes before heading back home. In your photography class you met another Durin, Ori Durin who introduced you to his brother Nori after class as they let you eat with them.

Quietly you eyed the set of long tables with untrustworthy looking stools formed from spiraling legs stirring an uncomfortable twinge in your stomach. Under slightly furrowed brows you eyed them all, and chose a spot closer to the projector board not far from the teacher’s crowded desk and eyed the other students entering after. All chose their own seats to be nearer to some item they wished to inspect further, until a thin cardigan clad Dwarf walked in eyeing the few empty seats. Avoiding the pair near the boisterous band of Elves admiring the crystal horse statues and followed the intuitive little tug in his heart leading him closer to the fellow cardigan clad student. A flashing smile eased onto his face as he gave a soft “hi” as he set his bag on the desk beside yours and sat down. His first glance at your face directly earned a common gasp as he took in the face of an Elleth, in his mind, far more likely to be a model for this class than to be one of the students. A weak smile flashed on your face as you repeated his simple greeting then turned to look to the Professor when she began speaking.

Moments after class had ended he had turned to you at the news that the students in similarly colored stools beside one another would be yearly partners for any group projects coming up. With a weak chuckle he smiled at you again catching the flash of an expression of your seeming wish to hear any and everything he had to say mingled with your same stoic yet soft resting expression, “I suppose we’re partners then.”

You nodded and his smile inched up at your flashing smile, “I suppose so.”

After a look around the near empty room he continued, “Which class do you have next?”

“It’s my lunch now, I guess.”

“Well I’m meeting my Brother over in the eastern courtyard for lunch if you wanted to join us?”

Quietly you nodded and joined him wishing you had anything at all flashing into your mind to say to him to break the awkward silence on the walk. Finally at the table you eyed the fiery haired brother with three thick braided spikes along the sides and top of his head almost looking like the top of a star who eyed you curiously and smiled when you sat across from him on Ori’s left. Without a word you sat as they shared their days so far after your trading of names. At least until you looked up as Ori asked you, “I noticed you’ve got my Uncle’s books in your bag?”

Glancing between them you asked, “You’re related to the Durin Professors?”

They nodded and Nori replied, “Our Uncles, well, more like Mum’s Cousins but Uncle is easier to have understood by others.”

Ori, “You like their classes?”

You nodded, “They seem nice.” Their brows rose curiously unsure if you were trying to make a joke. “My Uncle teaches here too, sort of told them to be.”

Nori inhaled softly, “Ah, Theoden’s Niece. Ya, the warning came up over breakfast. We sort of had bets on how you’d be. Though our Cousins were all imagining another blue eyed blonde.”

“Ya, Grandpa was a twin, both Uncle and my Mother took their Mother’s hair and eye colors.”

Ori, “You’re really close with him then?”

“He took me and my Brother in when I was 14.” After this a few more rounds of questions were asked and answered as they both eyed your blank reactions and forced soft expression as an uncertainty remained in your eyes. When lunch was over you were invited back again the next day as well before they walked off to their next class assuring each other you had been given a warning flag of being shy, so that could just be the reasoning for your stand offish-ness with the pair.

…

After their shift at work the Teachers had agreed to meet up after school, choosing the same diner as before. All agreeing that you were an amazing student, noticing your shyness but also your willingness to learn, each sharing that you had gone through their textbooks and hearing from the other teachers that you had done the same with their classes again. Each of them eager to see your first homework assignments and tests they had planned.

…

After school you had returned to your apartment finalizing the details for your upcoming essays and assignments as your mind reeled at your floundering attempt at befriending the pair, something you hoped to achieve to pull yourself more out of your shell. Though your sleep came difficultly you managed a nap before the sting of not having your usual knock on your door signaling your Brother being left in your care when your Cousins headed off to a late shift at work. Quietly past midnight you sat up relenting to your inner pain to change into your gym clothes and make the short trip to a nearby gym you had signed up for when you wished to work out your inner turmoil in a healthier way instead of repressing it.

Around you the empty gym you spied the random men mid workout stealing glances at the new face among them. After locking your bag up you made your way to the first set of pull up bars to warm up. Slowly you worked through a few sets of those before moving on to a bench press station where you caught the same brunette from Thranduil’s class earlier sneaking glances at you through the wall of mirrors as he did his own sets nearby. In the middle of your adding on the weights from the corner of your eye you spotted his approach with his lip tucked between his teeth anxiously nipping at it through his obvious mental rehearsal of what he was going to say.

His eyes sank over your knee length sweats and tank top that cut low on the sides in different shades of green matching your shoes contrasting your black sports bra, tighter spandex shorts and socks. Behind his back he wiped his hands on the back of his shorts and white t shirt with the sleeves removed in his attempt at subtly hiding evidence of his nerves. “Need a spotter?”

“If you like.” His flicker of an awkward smile flashed on his face through an even more awkward chuckle stirring your smile out only making his nerves worse until his near pleading glance to hear anything you wished to say when your lips parted again. “Professor Greenleaf’s class right?”

He nodded, rubbing the back of his neck and fumbling with a stray section of hair from his loose ponytail he undid and started pulling back tighter again. “Ya, Ada mentioned he talked to you. Didn’t think you were as worse off as your Uncle said.” You weakly chuckled as you secured the final weight lock as his face straightened as he realized what he said, then rapidly fired out, “Not that he said you were terrible or anything. Just not to pull too much attention to you. But I mean Ada certainly won’t do that.”

Your next giggle silenced him, “Breathe, just take a breath. My Uncle told all the teachers about it, his way of making me feel more comfortable I’m assuming.”

Awkwardly he chuckled again watching you walk around to sit on the bench, “Well that’s good. You certainly do need to feel comfortable, Miss Bunny.”

Your eyes met his as he rested his hands on the bar through your smirk back at him, “You’re the first to call me that. The ears gave it away huh?”

After a glance at your slightly pointed ears matching his he chuckled through your growing smile as you giggled again, “I have your posters on my wall. And one of your old bunny charms, for luck.” His face dropped again, “That sounded less creepy in my head.”

You giggled again, “Not creepy. No where near the worst I’ve heard.”

He smiled again as you turned and laid back and readied to begin your set, “You still keep up with swimming? I mean, I know you’ve retired, but um, do you still watch competitions?”

Lowering the bar again you replied, “Yes and no. For one I didn’t retire.” His brows rose curiously, “At least not officially or anything.”

He wet his lips, “But, you just stopped.”

“My Parents died, and um, I was injured. Had to go through rehab for a while.”

“Oh, anything serious? I mean, you had to go through rehab…”

“Broken ribs, the doctors thought I had a herniated disk in my back but the swelling went down and it healed. Um, after, I just needed a break, besides my baby Brother was sick and needed surgery so swimming sort of got pushed back. I watch occasionally.” You racked the bar and sat up turning to him again, “Used to go to Uni in Gondor, my Brother’s out there, he loved watching it and asking all about it when I watched him after classes. You swim?”

He nodded, “Got a place on the school team, not very high, but, hoping to get higher. Seventh actually.”

His expression sank as you stood up and he went to take his turn, “It’s just the first day, you’ve got time.”

“I was first in high school though. Just hard being up against so many first placers and struggle to get the full attentions I had back in my old school.”

Your smile inched up watching his ease with your weight choice even though his sets were shorter, when you traded again you asked, “Pool here any good?”

He nodded, “Part of why I’m here, they lock up the one at Uni at sundown. Used to come in with Ada but he goes in the day and the pool’s always crowded then.”

Laying back again you asked, “Your Ada, he didn’t mention knowing me, at least not past the coffee shop I used to work in he went to.”

His smile inched up realizing you must be the woman he wouldn’t stop talking about from back then, “He played rugby in school, so my swimming sort of knocked him sideways. Never really got into it, but still supportive. He’s seen the posters, just, didn’t give them too much attention I guess. He still comes to my meets when he can.”

“Doing laps today?”

His eyes met yours rapidly, “I, yes.”

“At least I won’t be alone in it then.” Your response drawing another awkward chuckle from him. After your sets there you switched stations then made a stop at the mats training with your own body weight continuing your conversation as he both exercised beside you and sat through his resting watching you in awe at the sheer strength and size you had gained in your eight year break. But going from your formerly starved figure to your size now wasn’t as large of a change as some would imagine, simply eating and training healthier finally allowed your body to fill out as it was intended at least physically marking you as closer to your true age, unlike your near child like appearance back at 14 before you were freed.

At the pool side Legolas shifted on his feet then decided on simply starting his first lap in his wait for you to join him. A pair of legs sinking into the water beside him as he neared the wall signaled your joining him. He surfaced with a smile and you began your own laps matching his pace easily, feeling your body relaxing comfortably back into the motions before you started inching faster testing if he could match you. After your final lap you both sat on the pool’s edge removing your goggles and caps before you eyed his thin barely defined form and said, “How far are you wanting to go in swimming?”

He smiled at you, “As far as I can.”

You nodded, “Well, you’re not at a bad starting point. Few easy tweaks to your form and you could be first soon enough.” His expression lit up as you suggested you could work out together when you ended up there in your shared sleeplessness. To which he eagerly agreed and joined you in showering and changing, on your walk outside you stole another glance at him as he asked, “Live far?” He pulled the keys to his Father’s car from his pocket, “Ada let me use his car.” His smile alone made you giggle again and nod in reply.

“Not far, but I would not mind the ride.” Outside your apartment you swapped numbers and headed to your warm beds again, both sharing a growing eagerness at your new friendship as he grew more excited and fired off an email to his oldest friend, “Ta, you are not going to believe who is training at my gym!!”

After learning you had two classes together, the next day he started sitting closer to you, slowly becoming another of your friends, both bloodlines of your friends made it damn near impossible not to focus on anything but the gorgeous Men around you. With your late nights with Legolas and your early mornings spent with Thranduil set your days off to a great start, and your classes with the Durins easily lifting your mood and easily helping you through the rest of your day.

…

As each day passed you shocked your teachers with turning in assignments early and taking the extra credit your three new favorite teachers along with Denethor had given you. The three Professors kept a good eye on you during class to see your reactions during their lessons, within a few weeks you were known as their best student and all the other students sent you jealous glares as you got back perfect scores as they failed with flying colors.

Each day settling the fact that they were absolutely too attractive to be teaching, each of them tempting in their own way, making you sure that you would very much enjoy this school over your last, tempted to force your learning into two years but your course list refused to let that happen now. So you forced yourself to try to talk more, to them and your two new Durin friends.

After his class you walked over to Thorin as he dug out his next classes packets, “Who would you rather hit, Napoleon or Caesar?”

A smirk ran across his face as he glanced up spotting you, letting out a quiet chuckle, setting down the stack of packets and straightening up as he raised and lowered his eyebrows as he pondered for an answer, “Napoleon, after I saw the first Bill and Ted movie I wanted to hit him.” As he saw your smirk he asked, “You?”

You gave him a large smile as you gave a quiet chuckle, making his heart stop, “Caesar, no doubt. Mostly for changing the calendar, just to prove how great a guy he really was he just had to go and make up three new months to name after himself and his family, I would have sided with Brutus too.” Your words made him laugh loudly, partially scaring his next group of victims as he handed you your extra work assignment and headed out the door.

…

At lunch again you joined the Durin pair, who once again tried to mask their growing discomfort at your near silence around them leading them to believe your disinterest in being their friend. But as they pulled out their lunches you clearly stated, “I, was home schooled until High School.” Their eyes rose to meet yours, “I’m still not, very good with talking to people near my age.”

Ori’s brows rose as Nori replied waving his hand, “Oh it’s no trouble. Just figured you’d still be warming up to us.”

Looking between them you said, “It’s easier answering questions. My mind goes blank when I’m expected to ask them.”

Ori smiled, “Shouldn’t be too difficult to find a common interest or two after a bit.” Your smile flinched back and they traded turns asking questions they both answered as well for you then were simply floored when the mention of a book you all loved triggered a massive smile on you the more you delved into that world giving them a glimpse of just what your friendship could be after you had relaxed more. Through your meal you were completely oblivious to the crowds around you unable to keep from staring at you and the rare beaming expression from you.

Pt 1a

#HolidaySweaters #LoRCafe #SecretHatsAndScarves #Thorin x Reader #Thranduil x Reader #Dwalin x Reader #Fili x Reader #lotr #hobbit #Thranduil x Reader OC #Thorin x Reader OC #Dwalin x Reader OC #Fili x Reader OC

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