#on this january day in which i do in fact feel i am Losing It All! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

moonlight-prose · 1 year

Text

♱ ALL THE KING'S HORSES ♱

a/n: it's october 13th right? totally the day i was supposed to post this? so i am deep in my cassian feels and have been re-watching andor as well as rogue one yesterday. which is why i finally got inspo for this prompt. it's more angsty than i intended, but that always seems to happen. expect me to randomly drop kinktober prompts here and there throughout january, because my brain is slowly waking up.

day thirteen - against a wall + rough sex | kinktober 2022

summary: a near death experience makes both of you realize your feelings for one another.

word count:

pairing: cassian andor x f!reader

warnings: MINORS DNI, cussing, fighting, angst, talk of death, rough sex, emotions.

Traveling in a small ship where tight quarters meant you curling up in a small cot and him taking the uncomfortable cold floor of the ship, made everything harder. You weren’t friends with Cassian Andor. Shit, you were barely even allies. Which is why when he came looking for you by order of the Rebellion, you laughed in his face. Told him to go find someone else to do the Rebellion’s bidding and tried to leave.

The only problem is…Cassian Andor is a stubborn fucker when he wants to be.

Which is how you ended up here. Cleaning blood off your split lip and glaring at him in the hopes of burning an actual hole in his head.

“You were supposed to wait,” he grunted, tossing his bag onto the small but extremely uncomfortable bench that was attached to the wall of his ship. You suddenly understood why he chose to sleep on the floor rather than on this.

“I didn’t have time to wait.”

“That wasn’t your call to make.” You scoffed, turning to stare at the wall. “You could have been killed,” he spit, taking a step forward.

“But the job would have been done.”

There was no hiding how little your life mattered in the span of things. You knew if you died, you wouldn't be honored, wouldn’t be remembered, or even given a funeral. Your death would be a blip on the Rebellion’s radar and an accomplishment on the Empire’s. Going in you knew that there would be a possibility of no one mourning you after you were gone, but you refused to even accept the fact that Cassian would be that person.

He couldn’t be.

“Is that what you think? That your death wouldn’t mean something?”

Standing abruptly, you turned, your face inches away from his. “My death would mean we were one step closer to stopping the Empire.”

His lips quirked, eyes flashing with mirth. It surprised you to see a small glimmer of care in them—a piece of him that actually gave a shit about you. That was hard to come by in a person and having it be absent from your entire life left you craving it more than you wanted to believe. You wanted someone to mourn you. You wanted to be remembered in some way after you were gone. But the thought of it being him left you with a heavy weight of guilt—an ache you didn’t wish to bear.

“Being closer wouldn’t be worth losing your life.”

“And who are you to fucking determine that huh?” Huffing, you tried to calm the anger that wished to rear its ugly head. There was no use getting into a fight now, not when you had things to do. “I knew what could happen on this job and I said yes. So don’t lecture me on staying alive when it was you asking me to follow this plan.”

“You’re going to blame this on me?” He moved closer, forcing you to stumble back until your back hit the cold metal wall of the ship. “You want to put your death on my hands?”

“Cass—”

His hands slammed against the wall on either side of your head, caging you in as his expression shifted to anger. “Fine. But you cannot say your death means nothing.”

“Oh come on Cassian. There’s no need to pretend that you care.” You were prodding at an open wound, but you couldn’t stop. That was the relationship you two shared. You wound each other up so tightly that anything could make you snap, leaving you in a mess of your own making.

“Don’t—”

Your lips pulled up into a sneer. “We both know that I’m here to be expendable. I was going to die either way—”

He gripped the back of your neck tightly in one hand, his lips slotting against yours roughly, catching you entirely by surprise. You hadn’t expected him to kiss you. Fighting happened regularly between the two of you, but kissing…anything to show a small fracture of tenderness was unheard of. Yet you didn’t pull away. You found you couldn’t. He was too enticing to stray from and you craved him far more than you originally thought.

Falling into his hold, you dug your hands into his hair, yanking on the strands and pressing your body even closer. Whether this was born out of the incessant need that hummed beneath your skin or the adrenaline that still filled you, neither of you could say. You wouldn’t be surprised if he regretted this whole fucking thing once it was over. But you refused to go near that topic.

Not when he was slipping his tongue into your mouth and drawing out sounds you hadn’t made in what felt like eons.

“You’re frustrating,” he grunted against your lips, hands yanking at your top as you practically ripped at his jacket.

“Look who’s talking.”

He didn’t respond, his palms sliding down your sides and grinning as your head fell back, a breathy sound reverberating off the walls. Seconds passed by before you realized that it came from you.

You didn’t care if there was barely any gentleness behind his hands, all you could care about was that they were warm and they made you shiver with want. A need to have him inside you stronger than you’d ever felt it before. Sure, you’d known him nearly all your life and once or twice you entertained the idea of being with him, but nothing ever came from those daydreams.

Until now.

“You’re not the expendable one,” he mumbled, helping you to strip off his shirt before he pulled at your pants.

“Don’t lie to me.”

His expression hardened, hand sliding into your underwear that was practically soaked through from your slick. You were dripping for him to a point where heat spread up your neck and face once he realized. Cassian had always been able to carve himself into your heart. Create a spot meant solely for him. It’s how he knew you’d say yes, how he knew you’d be willing to fight alongside him—even be willing to let him touch you like this.

That’s what aggravated you the most. He knew how you felt and never told you how he felt.

His name was a broken plea on your lips, your eyes falling shut as his fingers swiped through your slick, pressing against your clit lightly. It wasn’t enough to ease the throbbing between your legs, barely enough to even count as a touch. He was simply taunting you with what he could do.

“You think I’m lying?” His other hand cupped your chin, tilting your head to meet his stern gaze. “You were never here to die.”

Your lips curved up into a rueful smile. “Then why am I here huh?” Slipping your hand into his pants, you cupped him gently, a thrill shooting through your chest at the sight of him willing and ready in your hold.

He groaned, his lips brushing yours slowly as you stroked him as if you had all the time in the world. You knew how maddening it felt—every twitch of his cock and slight thrust of his hips telling you as much. Except you never let up. He had his chance to tease you and now it was your turn. Although you knew it would never last long, because he grew anxious. The grip on your chin tightened, his lips molding against yours roughly as he took control again—left you breathless and wanting in his hold.

“You’re here because I need you.”

Finally an admission that let you see through his cold exterior for once. A small piece of the truth that he kept so close to him you were afraid you’d never get to see it at all.

Gasping into the kiss, you felt him shove your leg up and around his hips—the tight hold he had on your thigh was bruising. You enjoyed seeing him take control of a situation, but taking control of you. Moving you how he wanted, giving you pleasure how he saw fit, caused heat to pool in your stomach. A moan spilling free as his teeth nipped sharply at your throat.

You helped him shove your pants down while you tore at his. The groan he pressed to your skin sent sparks down your spine and you felt your body go pliant in his hold. He must have felt it too, because he never gave you a chance to wrap your hand around his aching cock. You barely got a glimpse of it before he was lining himself up and pressing into you—a choked keening moan being swallowed by his lips.

“You’re here to save me from myself,” he murmured, shutting his eyes tightly as your walls clenched down around him. Your nails dug sharply into his shoulders to maintain some level of equilibrium in your dizzying state. But no matter how hard you attempted to clutch at him, you couldn’t stop the array of sensations that wracked your body.

You’d never felt so full before. As if he was breaking you in half only to keep the pieces to himself. To save him from himself. They were words that wouldn’t have held meaning to anyone else—simply something to rush out in the heat of passion—but to you…they were the truth. You’d been saving Cassian his whole life. Even if he was the one to pull you out of the physical altercations, you were the one to restore his heart. To remind him that hope remained in his soul even when the sky went dark from the Empire’s shadow.

“Fuck,” you gasped, head digging into his shoulder as he dug his hands even further into your body.

His cock dragged along your walls, each ridge pressing deliciously right where you needed it. You felt the coarseness of his hair press along your clit with each thrust of his hips slamming into yours. It made the breath catch in your throat, the sparks stretching from your core to each tendril of your body. He set you alight with the fire in his veins and you begged him to burn you some more.

Digging a hand into his hair, you yanked his head back until his dark eyes clouded with lust locked on yours. His lips were swollen, cheeks flushed, and face shiny with a thin sheen of sweat and still he was perfect. Pressing your thumb along his bottom lip your breath hitched as he took it into his mouth, sucking on it in time with his thrusts. You wanted to ruin him. To remind him that his heart had always been yours.

Only the way he moaned around your thumb, eyes fluttering shut, his hips stuttering as your cunt tightened around him even further, told you that he knew.

“I’m here,” you breathed, feeling his forehead press against yours, his chest heaving with each gasping breath. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Shit,” he panted. His lips pressed roughly against yours, spit trailing down your chin as he licked deeply into your mouth.

There was no rhyme or reason to your movements—each one a desperate mad pull towards the pleasure you both were aching for. Yet you still remained perfectly in sync. A dance between two people who’s song had always been playing, just never heard before.

“I–” He felt you bear down on his cock, the built up orgasm practically singeing your veins. “I–”

You nodded, lips sliding against his as he sped up, chasing both your releases. “I know,” you replied, the sting of tears burning your eyes. “Me too.”

Finally after wondering for years you understood what he could never say. The words got lodged in his throat each time he looked your way, each time he bothered to hope for something more than this. Sure, you were angry at him half of the time, but it let him know you cared enough to get mad. That you were still with him even if you were apart. He needed you to help him pick up his broken pieces—to replace them with something more than hope.

To finally give him the indulgence of love he constantly pushed away.

“Cassian,” you sobbed, your hips attempting to meet his movements as you finally tipped over the edge.

A ragged grunt was ripped from him as he fell forward, his hand slapping against the wall of the ship. You writhed against him, your body wracked with so much overwhelming pleasure you found it hard to breathe. If you could speak you knew you’d say the three words both of you were terrified to hear and a part of you was glad you stayed silent.

You heard him call out your name through the rushing sound that echoed in your ears. The sound sent a delicious streak of heat down your spine. His cock spurted into you as he followed you off that cliff. Both of you, falling together.

It took a few minutes until either of you were coherent enough to gather your senses and see what came next. Eventually you’d have to talk about what was said, but for now you were content to stay like this.

“Let’s go home,” he said softly, pressing a kiss to your collarbone—your hand running through his hair.

“I’d like that,” you replied, sinking into the warmth his body emitted.

Both of you were surrounded by the reflection of each other’s broken pieces, finally ready to put them back together again.

#cassian andor x reader #cassian andor x you #cassian andor x y/n #cassian andor x f!reader #cassian andor smut #cassian andor #kinktober 2022 #my writing

185 notes · View notes

annihilate-this-week · 1 year

Text

I know no one will see this because no one reads my tumblr and that’s fine but yesterday was my wife’s 40th birthday and I took her on a day trip to DC and bought her a bunch of stuff and a couple really good meals and now I’m sure we won’t have rent money and the thought of calling my dad and asking him for the money I’m short is giving me major anxiety even though I am pretty sure he’ll give it to me. Imm honestly trying to keep my parents pretty far away from me these days because I know they don’t support my identity or accept me as their daughter and I just can’t stand continuing to show up for the emotional abuse and unsupportive attitudes when I’m 47 goddamn years old and it’s been going on all my life.

Buuuut on the other hand I also can’t seem to make ends meet even though I have two jobs and a goddamn Patreon (which has 12 supporters — who I love but I need more and have no idea how to get them). I probably need $3000 a month for Sara and I to live pretty goddamn well and I can’t fucking get there no matter what I do. She can’t work full-time due to ongoing chronic health issues and I just want to give her a good life without having to panic about money all the time but I can’t seem to do it. And worst of all, then she blames herself and says I’d be better off without her as a “financial burden” or whatever, completely ignoring the fact that her emotional support is the only thing keeping me from completely losing my shit right now. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me and I don’t want her to feel that way, but sadly, I understand why she comes to those conclusions. I just want to create a situation where she has no excuse to feel that way and I can’t.

This cis lesbian who is married to a trans girl my wife is friends with was all gung-ho about helping me do a new resume so I could get a better job, and back in January we got together on a weekend and worked on stuff and got a resume for me about 80% done. She sent me home with homework I needed to get done so we could finish it but life kept getting in the way and I needed to make money NOW to make sure our power didn’t get turned off, we didn’t get evicted, etc, and before I knew it three months passed and now the girl who was helping me isn’t talking to me anymore and I think she’s offended I didn’t prioritize my resume but it’s hard to do that shit when you’ve gotta work 40 to 50 hours a week just to keep from losing your place and whatnot. And I think the dream of making an actual good resume so I can try for better jobs is dead now, or at least that I’m on my own, and it’s so hurtful and terrifying but I guess I brought it on myself.

And right now I’m sitting on the floor of my bathroom typing this instead of showering because I have to go work with my one employee (yes I am a MANAGER at my main job and I’m still struggling this hard) who consistently refuses to gender me correctly and is also terrible at her job and I’m just fucking dreading it. So here I am.

Anyway, thanks for reading. If you got this far and want to help a struggling queer aging trans writer lady and her disabled trans queer wife cover our goddamn bills and save me from having to be further indebted to my dad who never genders me correctly and is killing my soul, well, you can paypal me: [email protected] (yes my deadname is on that account, no they won’t let me change it) or Venmo me: @Drew-Necci. But don’t feel obligated. I know shit is awful everywhere in America right now.

Regardless, thanks for reading my panicked rant. Love you.

22 notes · View notes

mari-m-rose · 8 months

Text

Life update (?)

Hi! It's been a while since I did one of these. I still remember about how writing these would make me feel better, whether they were read by someone or not. Still, thank you in advance to whomever reads this, I appreciate your care/curiosity towards me. Wishing you happiness and success from the bottom of my heart. So, what has been going on with me.

So many things it's overwhelming. Everyday is. Especially when I remember all that has happened in the past few years. Probably because it's been hard to process? Both the good and the bad, all it's hard to process. Not like I process stuff easily, the opposite in fact. Tbh I don't even remember much of what I did during 2019... was I still active here during 2018? Bearly right? I think I got a new job in 2019 which was a cool job, or so I used to think... I remember the beginning of 2020 because I was so fucking happy in January-February during 2020. I was enjoying myself at work, I had a stable relationship with my partner as usual, I was engaged and about to get my own apartment. I was excited about my life which is something that never happens to me xD. And well, before covxd happened I actually got hit by a car... It was at low speed but it still wasn't nice. Listen, never do what I did. If you get hit by a car and you realize you can walk, do not go straight to work by scooter. Actually report the person who did it, call in sick, go to the hospital. Try not to shut down and just go to work normally. Short story: by lunch I couldn't stand up from my seat. I actually almost cried when I had to at the end of the day to go home because it hurt like a bxtch. I sort of healed? Actually it has been 3 years and I still feel something in my leg ahaha. Never be like me, love yourself. Covxd exploded not much after I "healed" and it ruined all my plans. No wedding, no apartment, I actually had to quit my job cause my bosses got so toxic I got depressed like never before. I was now trapped more than ever at my parents' house and the hope of leaving it soon was almost non-existant. I know it was hard for everyone and I hope that you all ended up surviving it just fine. Thankfully on my end everyone survived even tho my dad was always at risk cause he was forced to go to work despite it all. Since I didn't go through any tragic event, I am fortunate enough to appreciate that at least I spent a lot of time with my parents and cat, very important since I wanted to leave the house the next year. I got married in 2021 even tho covxd was still around, risking it all. Naturally it was a small event because of it. I actually just wanted to move out. My parents are very old-fashioned and they were not gonna be happy, so to say, if I left before marriage. Thankfully my husband did want to marry me so it worked out, but was it stressing... I just suck at events like that but yeah I finally got married and moved out. And the most amazing time of my whole life began. It was honestly magical. I was so happy I felt like I was living an actual dream. The moments in my life at that time felt eternal in a good way, there was warmth and love, pure happiness. I didn't know life could be like that. My relationship with my family fixed really quick after I moved out. Now we get along fine and I'm very thankful I get to experience this before I imminently lose my parents to time. I'm a very fortunate person. But this happiness soon ended cause I'm...dummy? I'm mentally ill and I'm not used to being happy. So I started to get massive anxiety about some upcoming event ruining all my life. I still dread this, even tho it doesn't arrive yet. Something bad actually happened tho... I lost my cat in 2022. I...probably will never not miss her, she was the one who kept me sane at home for 16 years. My most beloved baby...I just hope she's around somewhere. Uhm let's try not to cry while I write this... Btw did I mention I'm still unemployed and very ashamed of it? I do housewifey things, I do help with family business and have commissions from time to time but most of the time I'm not that active. That also is eating me alive. My husband is very chill about it but I'm not happy with myself, tho I can feel like little by little I want to change this, ...I wish I wasn't that stressed about the idea of still working in graphic design. What happened in my past job was a bit like my last bit of energy for it...

I really want to like open a patreon or a youtube channel idk, I always say this but its hard to start.. Aside this anxiety I'm also currently without passion...without fandom, without OTP, without a spark that motivates me to draw. It has been annoying cause this is happening since like 3 years ago. I hate this fr. Being without an art community has been hard but you know what? Being in one was also hard. I had major fall offs with a lot of my friends. We either fought a lot and took our distances or were involved in disgusting drama, others really mistreated me till the point I ended up feeling I didn't want to make new friends ever again. I isolated myself, this ofc didn't help my "art block" or mental health. Now at 32 yo, how am I supposed to like engage in a fandom or art community? I geniuinly don't know how. Also it's full of kiddies. No offense towards you babies but, I'm a grown ass lady. I feel so much like I don't belong...BUT I still want to belong. Not with the teens ofc but.... is there any discord server for old ladies like me? If there's a quiet place for "art grandmas" xD, hit me up. I am opened up to hang out but also ngl, I'm so awkward. New discord server I join is like another one I will never speak in. Idk what to do tbh. I just want to be excited about a fandom or art again. Anyways thanks for reading this text about me. I hope you are doing fine. I also hope you enjoy my art, even tho I hardly update, I'm trying to do my best. I'm most active on instagram (mari_m_rose) and X (aka former twitter, same as ig). I still love sinja and remain somewhat knowledgable about Magi. So if u wanna send asks about anything related to those or myself, I will be happy to answer! Hugs and kissus.

#stupidmarithings

18 notes · View notes

captainfightingflower · 1 year

Text

ALRIGHT! ENOUGH YIPPY YAPPING ON MY END!! I’m never gonna get these things to see the light of day if i just put them off. So here we go: EVERY (Jackbox Games) ILLUSTRATION AND SKETCH I AM STILL PROUD OF THAT I HAVEN’T POSTED PUBLICLY (With dates included according to their properties) MASTERPOST! [MAY OR MAY NOT UPDATE!]

Nothing violently inappropriate, but i did draw The Wheel in a non-revealing maid outfit at some point as well as M. Bubbles eating a heart they ripped out of the wall, but nothing that’ll give grandma a heart attack...except for maybe Cookie Masterson getting tricked into reading the Ẓ̷̛̞͚͗̋̌ạ̵̢̨̬̿͐͂͘͠ḻ̴̯̲́͒g̸̰͌͛ȯ̵̙́ incantation, that one’s pretty intense!

The Trivia Murder Party victims but as grotesque monsters (Date: 28th of November, 2020)

Fun fact: i ended up sculpting both Sloth & Envy’s designs out of clay during art class, no i do not have them.

This comic featuring Cookie Masterson i never finished, but it’s really funny like this so i’m posting it anyways (Date: 31st of December, 2020) [DESIGN OUTDATED]

Greed attempting to steal one of the Murder Hotel’s lamps (Date: 30th of January, 2021) [DESIGN OUTDATED]

Realistic fullbodies of Skippy, Gus & Sparkles (Date: 31st of January, 2021)

The Keeper reading out the definition of CBT (Date: 15th of February, 2021) [DESIGN OUTDATED]

Creepy Voice, however it’s referencing the end of the proper You Don’t Know Jack: Full Stream trailer (Date: 2nd of April, 2021) [DESIGN OUTDATED]

Cookie Masterson getting tricked into reading the Ẓ̷̛̞͚͗̋̌ạ̵̢̨̬̿͐͂͘͠ḻ̴̯̲́͒g̸̰͌͛ȯ̵̙́ incantation (Date: 24th of May, 2021) [DESIGN OUTDATED] {WARNING: VIOLENT}

FUN FACT: the power went out on a sunny day and made me lose the original file, but i was able to remake the comic using a snapshot i sent to a friend! Also: the pencil brush used to make this comic no longer exists on Photopea by default, which sucks absolute BALLS because it was a dope ass pencil brush i haven’t been able to fully replace!

Buzz Lippman falling unconscious based on a Tumblr post about him (Date: 30th of September, 2021) [DESIGN OUTDATED]

My Jackbox host designs that coincidentally look like other characters (Date: 17th of October, 2021) [DESIGN OUTDATED]

Mayonnaise multi-tasking, bringing his child home from school while exiting a pet door (Date: 19th of November, 2021)

I also have a doodle of him stretching like a cat and him eating a rat, but i’m not proud of those so i’m not showing.

Sketches of food for my redux of my first Wattpad story: Jackbox Culinary (Date: 10th of February, 2022)

Redraw of that kid annoying a girl with a trumpet, but with Creepy Voice annoying Cookie Masterson with bagpipes (Date: 10th of February, 2022) [DESIGNS OUTDATED]

L’averne Caverne pondering her orb & a redraw of that Cars comic where Lighting McQueen states that it’s nice to be back in Radiator Springs, but with The Wheel of Enormous Proportions preparing to answer the winner’s question (Date: 2nd of March, 2022)

There’s also a sketch of [REDACTED] dragging The Screamer to the Plinko by the legs while she screams in terror, but his legs always bothered me so i’m not posting.

The Job Job Heart by Jackbox Games (Date: 17th of March, 2022)

The funny explanation as to why my interp of The Wheel of Enormous Proportions suddenly got jacked (Date: 1st of April, 2022)

Octoputtz crying in the fetal position (Date: 5th of May, 2022)

What happens when people stream Quiplash (Date: 22nd of May, 2022)

This drawing of The Wheel of Enormous Proportions in a Victorian English maid outfit that i drew exclusively because i thought it would be funny to put a God in servants clothing {and also because The Wheel makes me feel things i don’t like admitting} and a drawing of it holding a Peep in it’s grasp to mildly prank a friend (Date: 23rd of May, 2022)

There’s also another bust doodle of The Wheel, but that one looks off so i’m not posting it.

Rue Meringue & [REDACTED] swapping clothes due to how similar their outfits’ silhouette resembles (Date: 3rd of June, 2022)

Rue Meringue but with proper freckles (Date: 4th of June, 2022)

FUN FACT: This was originally going to be apart of a series of drawings where i draw characters who’s freckles are represented only via 3 dots on their cheeks and then drawing them with more realistic freckles, however this never got realized and i stopped at Rue.

Cookie Masterson being repackaged (Date: 29th of August, 2022) [DESIGN OUTDATED]

Redraw of that comic where a grown man dresses up as a thirsty little flower but it’s The Wheel of Enormous Proportions again (Date: 23rd of October, 2022)

Realistic headshot of Greg (Date: 25th of March, 2023)

Redraw of that image of a woman looking at a man’s particularly perky pectorals that i drew to practice muscles, but it’s M. Bubz & The Wheel (Date: Actually today! But was most likely not going to see the light of day otherwise, so consider this a cheeky bonus!)

FUN FACT: I HAVE MORE, but i haven’t taken photos of them yet, so they can’t be included here as all of their dates would be labeled as “today”, which isn’t in the spirit of this masterpost, but trust me: they are equally as fun as whatever these things i showed you are.

Maybe i should really start posting these things more often...i mean some of these are REALLY good, even today compared to my improved artistic abilities. It’s a real shame that i was...and sometimes still am embarrassed to post these when i really do still like them! So i’m biting the bullet and seeing how they do.

8 notes · View notes

bereft-of-frogs · 1 year

Text

Favorite Books of 2022:

Okay here's the positivity, I've split my list into New vs Rereads.

New:

Nona the Ninth, by Tamsyn Muir - not over it, obvious answer, what more is there to say?

In the Dream House, by Carmen Maria Machado - really clever and creative memoir, I'm currently rereading Her Body and Other Parties because I just love Machado's writing so much.

This Is How You Lose the Time War, by Amal El-Mohtar & Max Gladstone - fun fact I originally read this because I'd gotten it for my friend as a late Christmas present last year but then read it before giving it to her, so it was the only one of my top 5 that I didn't own. Until this Christmas when I got it from my brother who, and I quote, 'googled what you should read if you like that lesbian space necromancer series' which is also 100% how I picked it out for my friend and also 100% true.

The Secret History, by Donna Tartt - the seminal dark academia text, I read 300 pages in a single day and I am already planning on going as Murdered Vermont Farmer using things already found in my closet for next Halloween.

The Fifth Season, by NK Jemisin - oh my god this was so good. Both an excellent example of how good second person narration can be and how satisfying good plot twists can be. I 'guessed' this one early and was so gratified as it developed.

Crime and Punishment, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky - what an unexpected delight for a book I essentially read because of BookTok drama. In case you'd already forgotten, the routine Classics vs YA drama took an unexpected turn in January when the first shot about how the booktok girlies should read Crime and Punishment was parried with 'um Crime and Punishment is a YA novel actually', and lead to 1) at least one Booktokker trying to read it and gifting us with their angry annotations like 'omg why is this book so bleak and depressing' (it's Russian Lit, there are so many memes about this) and 'um is this book really about him murdering an old lady' (yes that's the plot that's on the cover what did you think the 'crime' was), 2) a solid year of jokes, 3) me reading it sincerely and really enjoying it. So thanks booktok!

Ok, now onto the Rereads:

1. & 2. Gideon and Harrow - yup I read these both twice this year, still faves, still cry every time, not over them either.

3. American Gods, by Neil Gaiman - always a favorite.

4. Station Eleven, by Emily St. John Mandel - This one for sure hit different after COVID, but is still so, so good.

5. Lord of the Rings - I really like my new 3 in 1 copy, it’s so pretty and drives home that these are really one extended story spread across 6 volumes rather than a true trilogy, so yeah I recommend a 3-in-1 edition if you are in the market for LotR books. It does make it rather heavy to carry around, but at least it’s paperback and I found this one wasn’t too hard to physically read.

Honorable Mentions: Dracula (Dracula Daily was THE MOST fun I had all year), The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova (takes place in the What We Do In the Shadows Universe you cannot take that headcanon away from me, Dracula is the #Drama, no notes, a worthy successor), The Only Good Indians by Stephen Graham Jones (excellent), The Midnight Library by Matt Haig (the amount of hate this book gets on Tiktok is unnecessary and kind of toxic, imo), Revenge of the Sith novelization by Matthew Stover (Stover, why are you Like This? Why?)

If anyone has StoryGraph and would like to follow me/be friends, I’m on there under bereft_of_frogs, so please feel free to friend me!

The #Salt (aka my bottom 5 books of 2022 and a little mini rant on each) under the cut:

2. Rule of Wolves, by Leigh Bardugo - Another really disappointing sequel that made me wish I’d stayed a Six of Crows duology-only girlie. Though I did really like King of Scars, specifically for the continuation of Nina becoming a necromancer and infiltrating Fjerda. That part really fell apart in this book. A lot of things fell apart. It honestly felt sort of like Bardugo just wanted to be finished with this universe? Because a lot of things were resolved in really weird ways and really quickly. It also felt like it lost some of the interesting nuance in the worldbuilding that SoC had. And of course, she really showed off how bad she is at portraying the passage of time in her writing with this one. I was given the impression by King of Scars that it was taking place months at most after the events of Crooked Kingdom, and then out of nowhere it’s actually been 2 years so Nina can totally move on! But it still never felt like it had been 2 years and I feel like the end of the grief narrative was really abrupt and I just…couldn’t get into the romance because of how rushed that resolution was. I hope she’s done with this universe, aside from whatever extra writing/retconning goes on with the TV series - or at least, I’m done with this universe aside from the TV series. In future rereads, I’ll likely stick to my unofficial trilogy of Six of Crows/Crooked Kingdom/King of Scars.

3. The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue, by VE Schwab - This book is SO HYPED and for WHAT? I’m a big fan of lyrical, plotless writing, but that means actually having lyrical writing and no plot. This book just decided to do all the plot in the last 30 pages. So it was like 70% meandering, 30% rushed weird romance plot? And I’m sorry, I will NEVER be over the ‘not like other girls’ feminism of the main character. You cannot convince me that she would not have been in favor of the French Revolution. She’s an anti-clerical feminist but as soon as the Revolution happens it’s like ‘ew those peasant women are too violent, fuck all of them, I’m getting out of here.’ It’s a prime example of the hollow historical feminist archetype that is luckily starting to get some critique, where the main character fits perfectly with modern ideas of feminism, without the author actually having to put that much thought into their actual principles and how that fits into the historical context.

4. Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke, by Eric LaRocca - This one was just bad. Read like a first draft. Went nowhere, said nothing.

5. Nothing But Blackened Teeth, by Cassandra Khaw - I almost put this together with the above, because I think they had similar problems. Really under-developed, but at least this one had good writing. It was beautifully written, it just…went nowhere. The characters and their relationships were really surface level, and the intriguing premise just…never really went anywhere. Both I think get more hype than warranted because they’re rather short and they have striking covers. Both I compared to short films that a young/student horror director would send around to short film circuits or use as film school theses while they were working on developing and funding the feature-length project, but unfortunately that’s just not how book publishing works so we’re not going to get to see the fully developed works.

Dishonorable Mentions: Dead Space by Kali Wallace (just finished it, the flattest characters I think I’ve ever encountered in fiction), If We Were Villains by ML Rio (I had this rated higher and then I actually read The Secret History and was like…oh my God, this is so much worse, what a poor imitation), Winter’s Orbit (I feel real bad about this one but…maybe I just don’t like romance, but I could not stand how 50% of the book was just miscommunication), Lost Stars by Claudia Gray (still got 3 stars, but I think this one is just overhyped. If you want to know what reading this book is like, just watch the original trilogy, pause at any major plot point, watch the ‘are we the baddies?’ Sketch and then continue on), What Moves the Dead by T Kingfisher (I also gave this one 3 stars, and I think it’s…really not that bad but I can’t stop thinking about the hubris of saying that you’re going to write a more fully fleshed out version of The Fall of the House of Usher and then add on a whole sub genre, 4 extra characters, another whole plot, and barely make it any longer)

#books #reading #my brother and his gf got me the little cat statue! and a mug that looks just like the void creature it is so excellent #thank you booktok drama for the crime and punishment rec that was truly your peak

15 notes · View notes

samwisethewitch · 2 years

Text

The Day Our Grandmothers Warned Us About

Just a head's up: this isn't going to be as polished as my usual blog posts. I didn't plan this post in advance, so this is kind of just a stream-of-consciousness thing to help me process what's going on right now. Apologies for any factual or grammatical errors.

Today is a really weird day for me. I finished my bachelor's degree this morning, alone on my couch at 9:00 AM. But the fact that I just completed my undergrad has kind of been overshadowed, because I woke up this morning to the news that the Supreme Court is drafting a decision to overturn Roe v. Wade.

(I think there's some confusion about what "drafting a decision" means: has the Court made a decision or not? Justice Alito's draft is of a majority opinion, which means the Court has already voted and that the result of the vote was to overturn Roe and Casey. However, during the drafting process they'll continue discussion, and it's not unheard of for Justices to change their votes during this process. But I'll be honest, I don't think that's likely given the current, right-leaning makeup of the Court.

TLDR: The decision isn't official yet, so there will be no immediate changes to US law, but it's unlikely that any of the Justices will change their vote, so we will almost definitely see Roe overturned in the next two months.)

Can I be honest for a second? I'm really scared.

Roe v. Wade being overturned used to be a "that could never happen" scenario for me. Changes to Supreme Court law are really, really infrequent, and they typically require some sort of new argument that shines a new light on the case. There are no new arguments in the abortion debate. It's been at a standstill literally since the Middle Ages. We've all heard all of the talking points before.

Roe and Casey have also provided a convenient rallying point for conservatives. It's been a very easy moral appeal for political candidates -- claiming you want to fight abortion basically guarantees you the white, evangelical vote, but because it's a Supreme Court issues there's historically been very little individual politicians could do about it. It's an empty promise that you never have to fulfill.

Just a few years ago, the general consensus among political scholars (at least according to my college political science classes) was that Republicans didn't actually want to overturn Roe because they would lose their easy appeal to single-issue, anti-abortion voters. Basically, it was all talk. That, like a lot of things about how American politics used to work, has gone out the window with the birth of the Trump-style Far Right and Alt-Right movements.

And now, for the second time in 18 months, I'm watching my phone for updates on news stories that don't feel like they could possibly be real. First it was the attack on the US Capitol by alt-right insurrectionists on January 6th, 2021. And now it's the largest step backwards for bodily autonomy since before my parents were born.

And it's not just about abortion. Reproductive justice has never just been about abortion.

entalIt's about my right, and the right of every person regardless of gender or anatomy, to decide if, when, and under what circumstances they want to have children. This includes the right to prevent pregnancy with birth control, the right to get pregnant if/when we want to, and the right to needed fertility treatments. It's the right to adoption, surrogacy, and paid parental leave. It's the right to freedom from forced sterilization and to adequate medical care. It's the rights to comprehensive sex education and to give birth in the way we want to. And yes, it's the right to terminate a pregnancy.

When Roe is overturned, thousands of Americans are going to lose some or all of those rights. I'll probably be one of them.

I live in Georgia, which infamously passed a "heartbeat bill" in 2020 that banned abortion after six weeks. (For the record, many people don't even realize they're pregnant that early.) The bill was ultimately ruled to be unconstitutional, but Georgia still has a strong anti-abortion policy, including requiring people seeking abortion to get counseling specifically designed to discourage them before they can get the procedure, and only providing pubic funding for abortion in cases of "life endangerment," rape, or incest.

In September, 2021, Texas passed Senate Bill 8, its own version of the heartbeat bill, which effectively banned abortion after six weeks and, for some extra dystopian flare, offers a $10,000 bounty to any Texas citizen who reports anyone who helps a pregnant person obtain an abortion -- including by helping them travel to another state where the procedure is legal. Several states have "trigger bans" on the books that will go into effect as soon as Roe v. Wade is overturned, many of which ban abortion completely. I wouldn't be surprised if Georgia's heartbeat bill makes a comeback.

See, here's the thing: the Supreme Court's decision doesn't ban abortion on a national level, but it gives states the ability to decide their own laws, up to and including a total ban. Theoretically, that should mean that a pregnant person in a state like Texas could travel to a state like Colorado, which has state-level abortion protections. But conservative states are getting around this by following Texas's lead and mobilizing citizens to crack down on out-of-state abortions.

In the pre-Roe days, Americans who wanted to terminate their pregnancies and could afford to travel went to other countries to get safe, legal abortions -- like Sherri Finkbine, a television host who famously went to Sweden to get an abortion after being exposed to thalidomide. Under policies like Texas's, even this could be subject to punishment.

And frankly, if that doesn't sound like some dystopian horror shit, I don't know what does.

I am very lucky in that I have never needed or wanted an abortion. I have medical insurance that covers my preferred method of birth control. Birth control works really well for me, without many side effects. And I want kids! I want to be pregnant someday! And I am still fucking terrified.

I don't talk about it often, but I have a reproductive disorder that can cause various pregnancy complications, including a 300% higher chance of miscarriage and a higher risk of preeclampsia, which can be life-threatening. There is a chance that any eventual pregnancy of mine will be high risk. Which means I'll need healthcare -- and I may not be able to get that care without Roe v. Wade.

Let's talk for a second about incomplete miscarriage. That's when a pregnancy is miscarried, but the body can't pass the dead embryo or fetus on its own. It's horrific, and if left untreated it can cause an infection or sepsis. If the body doesn't pass the tissue on its own, the pregnant person will need treatment in the form of a dilation and curettage (D&C) surgery or by taking misoprostol, aka "the abortion pill." Except... both of those treatments are technically abortions, and because of that are banned in states like Texas.

It's currently illegal in Texas for doctors to give misoprostol to patients who are more than seven weeks pregnant. And under Texas's new laws, doctors are unable to offer D&Cs unless a patient is quote, "in danger of death or a serious risk of substantial impairment of a major bodily function." That means that, even in the case of an incomplete miscarriage, pregnant people have to wait until they get sick enough to be considered in danger of death -- and by that point, it may be too late.

Let's recap: I have a medical condition that, among other things, increases my chance of miscarriage if I get pregnant. Since between 10% and 20% of all known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and I'm three times more likely to miscarry, that's a 30-60% chance. Let's split the difference and call it a 45% chance that I'll miscarry my (planned and wanted) pregnancy. And it's highly likely that, by the time I'm ready to stat trying for that pregnancy, my state will have passed laws making it illegal for my doctor to treat my miscarriage.

So, when my partners and I decide we're ready for kids, there's almost a 1-in-2 chance that I will miscarry my first pregnancy, and my doctor may be severely limited in how they are able to help me.

If that happens my options will be: 1. Wait it out and hope my body passes the fetus on its own before infection sets in; 2. Schedule an appointment in a state where abortion is still legal and hope I don't go into labor on the plane ride there; or 3. Attempt a "self-induced" or "DIY" abortion. Option 1 is dangerous and could lead to serious health problems, a loss of fertility, or death. Option 2 is expensive and traumatic. Option 3 is dangerous and traumatic, and although it's technically legal in Georgia, I could still be arrested on other charges like improper handling of human remains.

Oh, and if I go with Option 2 or 3, I'll have to do it without help if Georgia has passed Texas-style abortion laws. Under those laws, anyone who helps a pregnant person obtain an abortion can be sued, even if they were using legal means to get one. So if my partner goes with me to a clinic in another state, or even drives me to the airport, they could potentially be punished. If they help me with a self-induced abortion or take care of my while I'm recovering, they could be sued for assisting in an abortion -- even though the abortion was legal.

Those are the legal, probably-legal, and semi-legal options. There's also always underground abortion providers, which may or may not be safe and definitely aren't legal.

What did our mothers and grandmothers do before Roe v Wade? Frankly, they died. They died from being forced to carry dangerous pregnancies to term. They died from sepsis from untreated miscarriages. They died from unsafe, illegal abortions and from DIY procedures gone wrong. And it is fucking horrifying that, in 2022, we're going back to that.

Recommended Reading:

Politico's "Supreme Court has voted to overturn abortion rights, draft opinion shows," which includes the entire leaked draft

Washington Post's "Abortion laws by state"

The Texas Tribune on Texas's abortion law

From Danger to Dignity: The Fight for Safe Abortion

NPR's "Can states limit abortion and gender-affirming treatments outside their borders?"

NPR's "The New Texas Abortion Law Is Putting Some Patients In Danger"

63 notes · View notes

flamingpen18 · 1 year

Text

Just About To Give Up

It's been 15 months since we lost our home. During that time, I have put in a multitude of applications to various low-income housing developments and a slew of public housing sites in 6 different states.

I applied for Delaware Public Housing Authority almost 2 years ago. I have not heard a thing since other than three sites that contacted me to make sure I was still interested in housing. Each of those three sites was out of state.

I have contacted the Salvation Army, Welfare, Social Services, Delaware 2-1-1, Hope Center, Hope House, Lutheran Ministries, Catholic Social Services, Neighborhood House, Children & Families First, First State Community Action Center, etc. The list is long.

Welfare put us up in a cheap motel (roaches included) for a month. This fell under the Covid benefits. Unfortunately, those benefits ended which left us where we started, living in the van.

The other places all gave me relatively the same answer. They don't help with finding housing for people or they cannot financially help. The Salvation Army did say that they would help pay back rent but that doesn't do us any good since we would need to have an apartment to rent to get back on the rent. They also said that they may help with security deposits if we found a place.

We reached out to every homeless shelter in the area and were told the same things by each of them. Since I am physically disabled, they cannot allow me to go into their shelters. They do not have the zoning for that and I am an insurance risk. I even told my family to go stay in the shelter and that I would stay in the van. They refused.

During all of this, I have been paying for 2 storage units that contain all of our belongings including furniture, clothing, appliance, and everything from our house. The two units are very expensive and I am on a fixed income due to my disability.

Now, due to the fact that the storage facility changed owners, the rent is higher, and I cannot afford it. We are now behind and are in danger of losing what we have left.

But that's not the worst of it. Our van is breaking down. The power steering is going. Brakes, motor mount, shocks/struts, water pump, etc. The list continues to grow. Dave was a mechanic for years and could do the work as long as someone helps him. It's cheaper than putting the van in the shop. The problem is that we just don't have the money to buy the parts needed.

Our daughter's 16th birthday is in just 16 days, and we have no money to do anything special for her. This is a big milestone for her. She is in driver's ed and will be going for her license soon. I cannot even celebrate her special day and spoil her. This makes me feel like a failure. I sent her to stay with a family so she wouldn't have to deal with being homeless, but she is still affected by it.

We keep getting hit while we are down, and I don't know how much more we can take. I have a Go Fund Me set up to help mitigate costs but it takes so long for the money to go through. I also have Cash App, Venmo, and PayPal which are quicker.

Please donate and share. Our backs are against the wall. The van is barely hanging on and we desperately need it.

9 notes · View notes

everygame · 1 year

Text

Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2 (PS4)

Developed/Published by: Vicarious Visions / Activision Released: 4/09/2020 Completed: 20/08/2022 Completion: All challenges completed and all golds, baby! Trophies / Achievements: 49%

It’s August, 2022. I’m sitting at a desk. It’s April, 2000. I’m sitting on the floor, playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater on Nintendo 64. It’s August, 2022, I’m sitting on a couch, playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater on PlayStation 4.

It’s January, 2001. I’m sitting on a futon, playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 on Sega Dreamcast. It’s August, 2022, I’m sitting on a couch, playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 on Playstation 4. It’s August, 2022, I’m sitting at a desk.

…

Alright, you’re probably thinking: 1. That’s probably the weakest parody of that bit in Watchmen I’ve ever read and 2. Are you serious that you actually played THPS 1 and 2 on N64 and then Dreamcast???

Yeah, I’m completely serious! But I’m not sure I’ve ever played anything that decoupled me from time as much as playing this did. It’s interesting, because you’d assume that I’d be able to experience this almost as something new, considering they’ve upgraded the graphics, aged up all the skaters, and even updated the game systems to match the post-THPS2 games what with reverts and that. But I think it’s actually to do with the hypnotic nature of the Tony Hawks games. They are pure “zone” games. A level loads, and you have to pretty much lose yourself to getting the highest combo–your fingers move really without any conscious thought, and what gets into your subconscious is that soundtrack; itself a sort of concentrated bomb of memory and emotion.

It’s… weird? It’s weird that playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater, to me, is like riding a bike. I literally haven’t touched one of these since Tony Hawk’s Underground on PS2 (“It’s December, 2003…”) and yet here I am, there I was: trick to revert to manual to trick to revert to manual to grind to manual like it hasn’t been, um, nearly twenty years.

I suppose I had forgotten how to do specials (you don’t rush the inputs, basically) but once that was locked in I was golden. Not that this wasn’t still a challenge for my clearly aging wrists, as once I decided I was going to 100% this with golds the marathon “fail, restart, fail, “just one more go”, fail, restart” session I pulled on the last level in THSP2… well, let’s just say for the first time in my gaming career I was having to ice my hands and wrists. God knows what long term damage I did even the first time I played these.

Anyway. This is as good as it always was. I think it’s a bit of a shame the original no-manual/no-revert play is relegated to a game mod option instead of actually being a way to play through the games properly, but I suppose the original games still exist if I ever want to play them–I’m not going to, but it’s interesting how the “final” incarnation of THPS gameplay put such an emphasis on just chaining special vert tricks; maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like the earlier system made you do more street skating for high scores (which I like more, I think?)

I don’t really know how well this did, but I suspect it was a bit like Activision’s attempts to get Guitar Hero up and running again–if you were there the first time and you actually play it, you remember how fucking great it is, but they miked the franchise so relentlessly that it’s hard to get up the urge to actually play it again. At least this one doesn’t come with several hundred dollars worth of quickly obsolete plastic, so I say… give it a go, I’m glad I did.

Will I ever play it again? Interesting fact: THPS2 had five extra exclusive levels on Xbox, and they’re not here! Though apparently parts of those levels were re-used in later games, so it’s possible those five levels are considered “non-canon”. I’d maybe play THPS2 on Xbox then one day, but I’d prefer a THPS 3+4 package please! I never played them the first time.

Final Thought: It’s March, 2041. I’m sitting in a burned out building, hoping that the roaming kill squads don’t check this quadrant today. My wrists really, really fucking hurt. I should never have played Tony Hawk’s in April 2000, January 2001, December 2003 and especially not in bloody August 2022!

Support Every Game I’ve Finished on ko-fi, either via a one-off donation (pay what you like) or by joining as a supporter at just $1 a month.

#video games #games #gaming #tony hawk #tony hawk's pro skater #tony hawk's pro skater 1+2 #ps4 #2020 #vicarious visions #activision #review #text #txt

11 notes · View notes

macyqwrites · 1 year

Text

credit to @yvesdot for this template!

happy almost new year! 2022 was the first year in a very long time that i consistently wrote every month, so i'm excited to look back on it! my writing this year was dominated by my latest wip, next day after dawn, including both canonverse content and a lot of stupid au bullshit <3

details under the cut!

january

in january i was still very much in dearer than a friend mode after finishing the first draft in november, but with no progress to make on the book itself i ended up writing some speculative post-canon (and very non-canon) nonsense involving preston getting into a terrible terrible relationship with another man. this one was a collab with @inkgel for which we definitely wrote a sane and normal amount of content

It’s not that he intended for this to happen. But the truth has been bubbling up for so long now, and eroding him a little more each time it does, wearing away at whatever remains of his willpower, his sense of himself, his belief that he has anything left to lose. And he’s already damned. He knows that deep down. He could repent, he supposes. Maybe God would forgive him. But Val won’t. He doesn’t really see the point. And it’s because of that too. Because he’s alone now, in a way he never has been, never could have been for the past eleven years of his life, because he always had someone who was supposed to be his. He’s not sure how he’s supposed to forget it when it feels like a piece of him has been ripped out, leaving a gaping wound that throbs and bleeds and refuses even to begin to heal. So he has to find someone to fill it, even if they don’t fit quite right.

february

in february i was mostly focused on my classes, but that did involve reading paradise lost and briefly getting very fixated on eve. i wrote less than two pages of this, but i was having fun with some dialogue between eve and satan. it was interesting to try to figure out what the pov of someone so ignorant of the world might look like

“Are you an angel?” I ask. That creature that he is talking to as I am talking to you. I do not really know what an angel is. He would not let me listen with him so it could be explained to me. But I know that an angel is something greater than me, and you are greater than me, but you are not Him, so I think maybe that is right. “I was an angel,” you say. “Was?” “I don’t know if I can explain it to you.” I feel something when you say that, something that I have no name for, but I know it is something that is bad to feel. Frustration, I think. I am good at naming things. I am as good as him. Sometimes I wish that He had left some of the animals for me to name too, but that is something that is bad to wish.

march

in march i decided i needed to get out of endlessly spinning dtaf mode. i also read gtn and remembered how much i love ensemble casts. and lo and behold, next day after dawn was born. this was one of the very first scenes i wrote, between mona and her mother austra when mona is (spoilers) experiencing life threatening illness moments. their mother/daughter dynamic is everything to me

“Don’t lie,” she said, and tried not to think about the fact that she sounded more than a little like she was begging. “Don’t—Selene can’t lie for shit, and she told me everything was fine, but she probably just wanted to avoid a difficult conversation, probably thought it was for the best, because she’s an idiot, but if you lie—” The room felt suffocating, stuffy and overly hot. She was suddenly viscerally aware of the sticky dampness of sweat beneath her shirt, and that, somehow, was more overwhelming than the pain that spiderwebbed from her pounding head all the way down her back. Her mother was silent, her face still very nearly impassive, but there was something in the slight furrowing of her brows that Mona thought looked terribly sad. “Don’t you dare,” Mona said furiously. Her eyes were burning. She blinked hard to clear the definitely-not-tears forming there. “Don’t you dare act like I’m going to die.”

april

more ndad snippets! this was from the first full scene i finished, which ended up being prince cyrus' pov of the first night after the coup. he is so mentally ill

Cyrus thought that was a nice enough idea on paper, given the circumstances. But when it became clear that it involved putting on his least comfortable court clothes and shuffling into a musty, overly crowded hall where three scuffed tables and a dozen mismatched chairs had been pushed together in some imitation of a royal banquet, he very quickly began to have second thoughts. Cassandane tried to motion for him to sit at the head of the table when they came in. He sat just to the right of it instead, as he would have if he really had been at court. If the king had been here. But the fact that he wasn’t didn’t make it feel any more right to take his place. So Cyrus didn’t. No one else did either. The chair sat untouched at the front of the room, a ghost in an empty seat. Not a ghost, Cyrus tried to remind himself. Just not here. He would be back soon. They would all be back soon. He couldn’t handle thinking anything else.

may

ndad strikes again! this is going to be most of this. here we have the first darcy pov i wrote, featuring them being sent to woo princess cassandane for prince cyrus and falling head over heels in love with her themself. (take a shot every time someone in ndad has a line about being or not being their father's son)

“I am not a real princess,” she told them after a long moment. “But I am interested in becoming a queen.” She looked one already, Darcy thought. Her eyes were diamond hard, her jaw and cheekbones carved from marble. She could have knocked her father’s statue to the ground and stood on the pedestal in its place and put it to shame. She could have told them to do anything for her, and it wouldn’t have crossed their mind not to obey. She was all that a queen should be. And Darcy was what they should have been. They were not truly the King’s ambassador, nor the Prince’s surrogate. Their loyalty went only as far as their self-interest. They were not their father’s son. But they were, if nothing else, an excellent liar, which was why they could never fully explain the sudden urge they felt to tell her the truth.

june

in june i wrote a short story for a shakespeare-themed horror anthology! it did not get in, but this was my first shot at horror, so i had a ton of fun anyway. i'll probably post this one on ao3 soon -- it's fun little examination of the inherent freakiness of the ending of all's well that ends with, this time with 100% more black magic

Here’s my confession: I don’t love my wife. Confession’s probably the wrong word though. Cause it’s not like I can tell anyone. Everyone around here thinks we got our perfect miracle of a storybook ending, so maybe I’m the one who’s wrong for not wanting it. Maybe I deserve this. My happily ever after. I don’t know how they believe it. Well, they believe it because I said it, I said I love Helen, and the lie came out smoother than it should have, given the circumstances, because God knows I’ve had too much practice. Maybe I sounded like I meant it. What I actually said was that I’d love her forever. I never said I was smart.

july

we're back in ndad land, and oh boy, this was a month. july was the first time i've ever beaten nanowrimo, fully unintentionally, simply because @wren-is-writing and i went fucking insane with the au fanfiction. but the piece that started it all was renan's backstory, aka renan's spiral into destroying every part of himself over his love for a terrible little boyboss war criminal (hi king cyrus). this is the first time the two of them meet, when cyrus is still in his rakish misbehaving prince era. brainworms are found in the gay old men

The others are already drinking deep again, eager to accept another newcomer into their circle for the night, but your mouth has gone dry. It’s almost hard to look at him. It’s harder to look anywhere else. He notices you staring. When he catches your eye, it makes your heart jump into your throat. “What?” he asks. “Something in my teeth?” You’re barely breathing. “Your Highness,” you manage, and you can’t read the look that crosses his face. Hebes slaps his hand down on the table so hard it makes your glass rattle, and lets out an incredulous, booming laugh. “Stars above, Renan, is that Prince Cyrus?” The boy next to you winks and flashes another incandescent grin. “Just call me Cy.”

august

and here we come to just a small selection of the insane au fanfiction wren and i engaged in. not ALL of it was about cyrenan, just most of it. here's some darcy and cassandane in the criminally extensive college au. darcy's pining, what else is new

It would happen, though, they told themself. It would happen eventually. Because she loved them, they were sure, even if neither of them had phrased it that way exactly. They’d as good as told each other more times than they could count. They had always worked that way, reading between the lines but knowing they were on the same page. “You’re brilliant, you know,” they murmured, dropping their voice so low they were sure only she could hear it. Just one more way of telling her. They knew she’d understand. “At dancing or in general?” “Both.” “I do know,” Cass replied. Her slow, curving smile made them flush too much to hide. “I want to do this more often,” they whispered. They risked stroking their thumb lightly across her shoulder, a gesture they hoped was too small to catch. “I want to do this all the time.” Forever wasn’t a word they would pull out in public regardless of how softly they were speaking, but they were sure she got that too.

september

we're back to canonverse ndad, thank god. more backstories! this one chronicles austra's girlbossification, and this moment specifically is right after her daughter mona is born

She’s not going to make it. That’s the first thing the doctors tell you. It’s the first thing the Church proclaims on the matter too. You’re still confined to your hospital room. You can’t witness it pronounced in a chapel or read it in a star chart. You have to hear it from your husband’s mouth instead. His eyes are red. He’s been crying. You haven’t been. You’ll break down when there’s nothing left to fight for, not a moment sooner than that. Your daughter needs surgeries that haven’t been performed in a century. Your daughter has long brown eyelashes that flutter when you kiss her while she sleeps. Your husband tells you that her doom is written in the stars, and he says it like he thinks it’s true.

october

and i actually followed austra's backstory up with castor's, because apparently i spent some of this year being semi productive. castor's terrible little psyche revolves around the fact that his brother (everyone's favourite son) died when he was a teenager and he thinks it's his fault for not being a hardened soldier at 17. here he is trying to be a hardened soldier (it's not going well)

You’re not a natural. You’re not even a hard-won talent. Even when you’re not half sleepwalking, you’re slow, clumsy, unsure. Your sword arm grows sore after barely an hour. The straps of your armour chafe against the skin of your neck and leave it raw. You’ve tried your best, memorized a hundred manoeuvres in sparring sessions, but somehow you still freeze in the field. The first time an enemy makes a swipe for you, you run like a coward. By the fiftieth time, you’ve learned to stand your ground, but you don’t know if your allies feel the difference. At night, every comrade you couldn’t save has your brother’s face. He had scars when he—when you saw him the last time. A barely-there line through his eyebrow, another tiny one on his chin. Your father has the gouged-out pit in his left cheek, the mark that proves he is and isn’t invulnerable. Every time a blade flashes in your face, you wonder if you’ll end up with a matching one. It never happens, probably because you’re too quick to flinch back from the strikes that might get close enough. Your skin remains despicably pristine.

november

wow, a new wip? well maybe. this one is still in very early stages, but i got seized by brainworms consisting of "what if richard and bolingbroke from shakespeare's richard ii were lesbians (and not cousins) and fucking hated each other." also it's the 80s, i think. rielle is our larger than life femme richard who's never met an emotion she couldn't turn into a performance, and the narrator here is jack, butch bolingbroke, who has a lot of daddy issues and hates rielle so fucking much.

Don’t get me wrong. My dad was an asshole. He was a dyed-in-the-wool red-blooded homo-hating bigot and I didn’t shed a tear at his funeral. But he was the kind of asshole where if I called my hair a pixie cut and ditched the Doc Martens for mascara when I came around for dinner, he’d happily keep paying my tuition. He’d even hug me, sometimes. Mostly after Mom died. Both arms around my shoulders, like he meant it. So I had my reasons, basically, for not wanting to publicly tell him to go fuck himself. And even if I hadn’t, she was the last person I owed an explanation. Easy for her to say she’d cut off her parents in a heartbeat when she didn’t have any, just an inheritance ten times the size I was ever getting and a bunch of framed tabloids with pictures of a Rolls-Royce twisted around a lamp post and a cherub of a girl who knew, even at ten years old, how to cry pretty.

december

this past month i've been juggling grad school apps and finals and prepping for my thesis, so i haven't written a ton, but i went back to fun shakespeare fanfiction collabs with @inkgel for a bit! here's me attempting to write julius caesar pov `for our caesar/antony character study that we did after playing those characters on zoom (and playing them as in love, of course)

He could do the same with Antony. Antony wouldn’t make him ask twice for it—wouldn’t make him ask at all, probably, because he is always so delightfully quick to capitulate, all it would really take is a finger ghosted over those plush and slightly reddened lips. But Caesar doesn’t like him to be carved out of marble. He likes it when Antony stumbles, the laugh bubbling up from his throat loose and lazy, the perfect planes of his cheekbones marred with a ruddy flush. When Antony clings onto him, half for balance, half because he’s surely looking for any excuse to. When he hangs on several moments longer than he needs to, his pupils blown, his hair mussed not-quite-artfully, and kisses him with the heady scent of wine still on his breath. Perhaps sometimes he would deign to think he loved it, but it’s been years since that word has been his to offer. These days, it’s only for lesser men to give.

if you got this far, thank you so much for reading! see you all in 2023!!

#my writing #next day after dawn #dearer than a friend #preston young #mona lunares #austra lunares #prince cyrus #darcy mercurialis #princess cassandane #renan mercurialis #king cyrus #cyrenan #castor martis #rielle blanchette #jack livingstone #orphan heir

11 notes · View notes

dramarising-replacement · 2 years

Text

What?

Probably not a good idea to post this on an account I pay no attention to (I'm not active on Tumblr anyway, but--): I have been on FR since day one and recently (January of this year) got hit with a strike because I was supporting "NFTs"... At the time I had no idea what they were talking about and had to research it heavily.

Granted I still do not understand them in the slightest--aside from being a Ponzi scheme and absolute scam--and I sent in a support ticket trying to figure out why I was hit with not one, but two strikes for supposedly participating.

I looked back at the Sales thread I was running for off-site trades via the waybackmachine (the mod deleted my post before giving me two strikes, which have not been lifted since I contested it in January--in fact, there has been zero response to my support ticket as well as one about a scammer still on the loose), and I think I figured out why they thought I was "selling NFTs".

On ChickenSmoothie, I have a sub-group where I have organized pets I will never trade and thus appropriately titled them 'NFTE' or 'Not for Trade Ever'.

I will admit I am still salty (and a smidgen angry) that these strikes are on my account, that the mods and/or staff have done nothing with the proof I have provided and that my account could easily be closed for something I was never doing in the first place. I've even dropped almost all interactions with the site and userbase out of fear I will have something labelled slightly wrong that is immediately taken the wrong way and has me banned. It's why I even stopped running my Baldwin thread, where I brewed any and all items so long as mats were provided, for fear that the mods may somehow think I was scamming people despite always having their brews sent back immediately after it's been done.

This paranoia is also due to the fact that we all know how they treat banned accounts--even when people have heaps of proof that they did nothing wrong and that the mods were actually the ones who made the inappropriate decision...

Feels like I'm walking on tenterhooks just trying to stay in line. I have no desire to lose an account I created after backing their KS and for which I have sunk a great deal of time, effort, and tears into.

#Drama #Rant #Flight Rising #Staff #Long post #Shady #Petty

32 notes · View notes

thesimplyluxuriouslife · 10 months

Text

How to Find Love: Be Love Instead of Look for Love, as taught by Jay Shetty

"We think love has to be obtained, earned, achieved, and received. We look for it in the form of attention and compliments, and people acknowledging us. But actually the greatest way to experience love is to give it." —Jay Shetty, author of 8 Rules of Love: How to Find it, Keep it, and Let it Go

A simple formula to love is to be it and it appears. However, this seems either too simple for some of us or to not produce the 'type of love' we had in mind. Such thinking, to have a narrow definition of what love has to be in our lives to be fulfilled, or to refuse to let go and just be instead of chasing, demanding, swiping or requiring, is to get in our own way when it comes to living a life, every single day, full of love.

Because guess what? Such a life is possible, and it is part of what living simply luxuriously is all about. In fact, it is at the core, because as I will share today, it all comes down to finding peace with ourselves, embracing our true selves and engaging fully with the world without expectation. But again, we are being asked to do less, not more, to look inward so that we can engage lovingly outward as well as lovingly toward ourselves. We are being asked to be honest about what makes us feel loved and stop engaging in practices that result in anything but.

With all of that said, it was with great appreciation that I picked up Jay Shetty's second book that was released in January of this year, 8 Rules of Love: How to Find it, Keep it and Let it Go. However, as I often let my mood or energy determine what I am ready to explore between book covers, I didn't begin reading the book until earlier this June, and as soon as I did, beginning with the very first page, I didn't put it down for one day until I had read it entirely.

The first page of the Introduction prepares you for what Shetty is trying to prepare the reader for when you finally reach the last couple of chapters, revealing what living a loving life, being love, is really all about. Shetty begins with an anecdote of a student asking what the difference between like and love is, and the teacher responds by sharing, "When you like a flower, you pluck it. When you love a flower, you water it daily."

Of course as someone who loves gardening and delights in all that gardening can and does teach us about life if only we choose to be her student, this analogy held fast my attention and gained agreement. Shetty goes on to explain how cutting a flower is equivalent to attraction, something that we covet, but quite quickly lose interest in symbolized by the wilting of the flower after it can no longer be sustained in the vase. But love is when we choose to keep the flower alive and give it what the flower needs - the proper sunlight, soil and water. And as every gardener knows, every plant has different needs when it comes to these three fundamentals. As well, a flower doesn't share its full awesomeness the first year, not even the first, second or third year, and the years could go on, again depending upon the flower, which is why care, over time, "doing our best over time" is when we "fully experience [the flower's] beauty—the freshness, the color, the scent, the bloom. You notice the delicate detail on each petal. You watch it respond to the seasons. You find joy and satisfaction when a new bud appears and feel a thrill when it blossoms." There are many different types of relationships that involve love that parallel with this analogy of caring properly and lovingly for a flower, and at the core of all of them is choosing to give daily effort, and giving what the loved one needs as you get to know them over time. But just as this is being given, in a loving relationship, this is being received so that you too can flourish and bloom into your fullest and most true self and potential. It's a two-way street and so it takes awareness to make sure we bring knowledge about ourselves to every relationship.

Before I get ahead of myself, in today's post, I am drawing on the knowledge of Jay Shetty as shared in his book, 8 Rules of Love, and sharing the key components about the four ashrams of love which when we consciously engage in each, teach us how to be love at the deepest level and thereby elevate the quality of every single day of our life. I highly recommend picking up his book if anything today speaks to you. It is a wonderful resource full of specific examples, tools and practices paired with his experience and guidance.

Let's get started.

How to Be Love:

The first ashram of love is about preparing for love by learning to be alone and learning from past relationships so to improve our next one.

1.Unlearn what we thought love meant

Conditioning begins early and is relentless. If we don't bring critical thinking about what love really is, we begin making decisions - small and significant - that prevent the real love that will deepen the quality of our life to occur, be experienced and shared.

2. Savor the gifts of solitude as an act of self-love whether in a relationship or on your own

"Solitude is the antidote to loneliness . . . The difference between loneliness and solitude is the lens through which we see our time alone, and how we use that time. The lens of loneliness makes us insecure and prone to bad decisions. The lens of solitude makes us open and curious. As such, solitude is the foundation on which we build our love."

When we discover the importance of solitude, we learn who we are, and in truly understanding ourselves, we become more clear about where to explore to find our purpose. And when we find our purpose, we become more secure within ourselves because we "learn how to display our values, not how to advertise ourselves". We begin to "let go of any anger, greed, ego, self-doubt, and confusion that clouds our heart and interferes with our ability to love".

By letting ourselves be alone, we begin, if we allow ourself to be honest, to be honest about what has made us insecure. Is it the fear of feeling loneliness? Or have we made an assumption based on what we've been told about when and how loneliness is felt? So long as we have feelings of insecurity, fear and "anxiety around loneliness . . . these very feelings prevent us from finding love".

"Solitude is not a failure to love. It is the beginning of love."

Study after study has demonstrated that we often become more in tune and aware as students of life. We can hear ourselves, observe what grabs our attention, learn new skills more completely and swiftly, and so whether we are in a relationship or not, regularly giving ourselves time alone is healthy and powerfully nourishing for a better relationship with ourselves and those we love.

When we learn how to love ourselves through embracing solitude, we also learn how to love others. Not just a romantic partner, but all other people. When we learn how to be less critical with ourselves, we discover how that nourishes rather than belittles and thus builds trust. When we are honest with ourselves, we learn how to honest with others when it may be difficult to do so, and to do so in a loving way. When we learn patience, compassion and empathy, "we can use [these] qualities to love someone else. In this way, being alone—not lonely, but comfortable and confident in situations where we make our own choices, follow our own lead, and reflect on our own experience—is the first step in preparing ourselves to love others."

However, we must be careful to not stop giving ourselves love even if we should choose to step into a relationship. Which leads to another way to be love that we will talk about down the list.

3. The Power of Presence

A fundamental skill of mindfulness, something talked about in episode #350, is being present. And simply because we are in our own company doesn't mean we are practicing presence. As Shetty points out, to distance ourselves from what we discover when we are fully present we may distract ourselves, always keep ourselves busy. The reasons for doing this will only be known to each of us, so it is in being present that we can be honest with why we are fearful of being present, and with time, we begin to discover the gifts, the many gifts of being present — discovering what we value, discovering if we are being who we truly are or have put up walls or facades and in time (and with help if we choose to seek out a therapist), we discover why we did this and how to shed these 'selves' that are not us and begin to embrace what we love, embrace and explore our curiosities and find a voice and/or a direction that fuels us.

It is this self-knowledge that we begin to gain self-awareness and we can acknowledge that yes there are weaknesses and if said weaknesses are something we want to improve, we can choose to do so, but just as powerful is knowing our strengths and beginning to play to those and not diminish ourselves, shrink or accept limitations that may have been conditioned and thus believed by either certain people, institutions or whatever environment is fine with us being less of ourselves. And then we begin to make choices that serve us better.

The Skill of Presence and Why It is At The Core of True Contentment, episode #350

The foundational gift of solitude is discovering ourselves, and when we know ourselves, "we'll be more willing to spend time pursuing our interests without needing the safety net of a companion. The activities you choose and what you learn about yourself from those activities will expand your self-awareness" and deepen your self-confidence.

4. Understand the Law of Karma

"Karma is the law of cause and effect. Every action produces a reaction. In other words, your current decisions, good and bad, determine your future experience. People think karma means that if you do something bad, bad things will happen to you . . . but that's not how it works. Karma is more about the mindset in which we make a decision. If we make a choice or take action with or without proper understanding, we receive a reaction based on that choice . . . You made a choice and you have to live with the consequences/outcomes of that choice. Punishment and reward are not karma's purpose. Rather, karma is trying to teach you."

Each choice we make prompts an outcome or an effect. And during our time of solitude is the time to be honest about ourselves and learn from past relationships. Not to analyze the other person, but our choices that lead to what worked, what did not. In other words, to examine as objectively as possible how we contributed to the events of the journey of each relationship. What can we learn? What do we need to learn? What decisions need to be approached differently? This is where we choose to be the student and live consciously, not by habit.

Shetty points out that when we are young, we are shaped and influenced by choices of others that we don't necessarily, or at all, have control over - our parents, environment, schooling, religious instruction, etc. . But as we step into adulthood and have the agency to make our own choices, we can, and it would be wise to do so, evaluate the impression of these influences that have shaped our thinking, behaviors and responses. If we don't like the impressions, we have the ability to "gain the intelligence to curate our impressions by choosing what we watch and who we listen to. We also have the opportunity to revisit, edit and unlearn past impressions." In other words, if we don't like the outcome of certain choices, we simply need to make different choices and those choices can do with anything and everything in your life, which of course includes not only the people you choose to date or potentially partner with, but also whether or not you choose to grow and step into your fullest potential, finding your purpose and thus finding and experiencing contentment.

Shetty goes on to conclude that "karma is a mirror, showing us where our choices have led us . . . First, when we learn from the past, we heal it. And second, this process helps us to stop making the same mistakes."

One last thought on karma, and this can be applicable to anything in our lives and how we choose to live, "If you put something into the world, you get it back." This can be looked at for positive and negative outcomes as we discussed above, but let's start with the approach of trying to find love. What are you putting out in the world? If you are depending upon your looks, your clothes, anything on the exterior to be the determining factor in attracting 'love', you will attract someone who values what you have presented. Conversely, if you choose to simply be love, and practice all that is shared in today's post/episode, step back from expectation and simply live your life, live your purpose, that is also who and what you will attract - other people - some potentially a partner, most people simply platonic - who value sincerity, who value similar passions and the ethos you bring to your daily life.

"The promise of a happily ever after turns out to be an obstacle to happily ever after."

5. Fill Your Own Gaps

"What you want from someone else, first give to yourself."

When we wait and look outward for someone else to bring into our lives what we feel we are lacking, we are beginning from a place of insecurity and dependency and that, in the long-run doesn't contribute to a healthy relationship. We all likely need to heal something in ourselves, but that is not the responsibility of someone else. As I will talk about below, our partner can and should be our guru (hang on to discover what exactly this means) and we should be theirs, but we have to know how to heal ourselves in order to receive the support. They cannot do the homework for us - that is what gradually weighs down a relationship unhealthily. Shetty shares, "Once we fulfill our own needs, we're in a better place to see what a relationship can give us."

Once you have done your homework of embracing solitude and self-examining your past choices, i.e. the karma you created and how it served you, acknowledging what choices need to be made differently in order to create different outcomes, then we can bring with us valuable knowledge that will help us be love more truly, stepping ever closer to experiencing what love really is. This is not to say you stop spending time in solitude or stop self-examining. No, no, no, no, no. You now have the skills of each and to be effective must be practiced regularly as life's journey unfolds.

The second of four ashram's of love is "the stage of life when we extend our love to others while still loving ourselves".

6. Understand the four stages of love

Repeatedly, it is shared in this chapter that to know if we love someone takes time. Plain and simple. Time with each other, again and again. Choosing to share time and withholding expectations and a rigid timeline. After all, if we enter with these two as guidelines, then it isn't love we are looking for and we are not 'being love'.

The four stages do not necessarily need to be experienced in order, but they all need to be experienced with our partner in order to know love is being practiced - given and received.

Attraction

Dreams

Struggle and Growth

Trust

Each of these stages takes time, some time events will be unwanted but will play a hand in helping us experience a particular stage, but Shetty assures, "If we gradually unveil our personalities, values and goals, we start to see if there is a connection." And the key is that this gradual unveiling be reciprocal.

What is important to keep in mind is that even if a relationship doesn't meet all four stages, for example, when you hit stage #3 and struggle occurs and boundaries are made clear, if one person doesn't respect the boundaries even after there is clarity about what the other needs, it doesn't mean it's a failure' in fact, it is a very good thing because you have learned that you are not a good fit to live a fulfilling life that will make you both happy, and that is wisdom that benefited you both. However, if after reaching stage #3, communication is exchanged, knowledge is learned you and both engage in a manner that aligns with each other, now with a better understanding of one another, then more clarity has been gained and the relationship is deepened.

7. Be trustworthy

To talk a bit more about the fourth stage mentioned previously, in order to find someone we can trust, we must be someone who is trustworthy. Again, we cannot control another's choices, only ours, and we attract what we put out into the world. Remember, karma is a mirror, so if we are untrustworthy, we actually attract untrustworthy behavior to us because we think others are untrustworthy because we are! See how we create what we say we don't want by simply being that! So simple, so powerful, and the change is quite simple. All of this ability to find people to trust begins in the first ashram - becoming comfortable with solitude and becoming knowledgeable of ourselves and changing what we know is not constructive. This builds the trust in ourselves that we will then connect with others.

And again, it is important to remember, that trust takes time to build, and is revealed through the stages above, especially during the third stage of love. Shetty shares there are three types of trust - physical (feeling safe in their presence and you feel good being around them, seen, etc.), mental (trusting their mind, ideas, and thoughtfulness. Not necessarily an across the board consensus on all topics is their agreement, but you trust how they make decisions), and emotional (their values and who they are as a human). So again, you cannot observe or experience all of these in a short period of time, so take time to observe but also to be yourself and be truly seen by the person you are getting to know.

8. Put your purpose before your partner's

"You want to go on a journey with someone, not to make them your journey."

In a post I wrote a couple of years ago, inspired by Jay Shetty's book Think Like A Monk, the concept of dharma is shared: Passion + Expertise + Usefulness = Dharma. Shetty doubles down on this truth that will lead each of us to contentment when he talks about the necessity for both individuals in a partnership to put their purpose first for themselves, followed by the relationship and any other values that they may have. Why is honoring your dharma (your purpose) vital to do in a relationship just as much as it is if we are not in a relationship? "Dharma clarifies your values and priorities to yourself and your partner." Shetty goes on to explain the other three fundamental pursuits that drive us forward in life, thus shaping our choices and actions (dharma being one of the four). When you have found your dharma, you "spend money with a clearer sense of how it should be spent, and you pursue love with a desire to create a meaningful life with your partner. Eventually these three pursuits lead to the fourth - moksha, where all we do is devoted to a spiritual journey."

"Your purpose has to come first for you, and your partner's purpose has to come first for them. Then you come together with the positive energy and stability that come from pursuing your purposes."

Finding and continuing to pursue your dharma "insulates and protects our self-esteem" and it is because we continually value and prioritize our dharma that we can remain more stable during the ups and downs of life which benefits our relationship.

By maintaining your identity outside of the relationship, you are not in danger of letting the relationship define you. You bring your full self and love of life to the relationship, choosing (not needing) to be with this other person. "Dharma helps you live a passionate, inspired, motivated life, a life you want to share with someone. You also have the pleasure of living alongside someone who is fulfilled. There is great joy in seeing the person you love doing what they love."And the gift of knowing what it feels like to pursue your own dharma gives you insight into the struggles and elevating highs that come with the choice to do so enabling you to be a truly supportive partner.

But before we move ahead too quickly. What happens if I am not pursuing my dharma? Or my partner isn't pursuing theirs? Simple answer: "When we aren't pursuing our purposes, troubles arise."

Shetty explains that often when we may think the relationship has a problem, it is actually a result of one or both of the partners not following their purpose. Simple and true.

So just to remind, to take us back to the first ashram discussed above, finding your purpose, preparing for love, is often the hardest part of knowing how to be love, but is, he underscores, the most important. Why? "If we don't learn the lessons of the first ashram of love, then we won't know how lovable [we] are and what [we] have to offer."

This works both ways, as each partner does this for themselves.

9. Be each others' guru

First, what is a guru? Shetty explains that we must think of it as how our actions impact our partner. A guru offers "guidance without judgment, wisdom without ego, love without expectations." And this is vitally important to understand lest it be misinterpreted: "Being a guru for your partner doesn't mean imparting wisdom to them, but it does require patience, understanding, curiosity, creativity and self-control."

This is an approach I think is often misunderstood, and can be easily misapplied if we don't come into the relationship knowing what our purpose is and valuing it, having a clear separation of who we are apart from our partner. Which is why we must know ourselves well, continue to give ourselves self-love and honor our purpose whether we are in a relationship or not. Just as our partner should do for themselves. For example, if we want our partner to change in any way, that is not being love. Shetty reminds, "That is ownership. Ownership is born out of control." We are not in a relationship to control the other, nor do we want to be controlled.

As a guru, you give because you love the person. What you give is being love in your actions, words, thoughtfulness and considerations and not seeking a particular 'reward'. Much like most investments worth their substantial value, they take time to show the results we might hope will occur, but we don't give to get. We give to be love to our partner. Letting your partner pursue their purpose and lovingly supporting as they need and you can provide builds trust and bolsters confidence not only in your partner toward their purpose but in the bond you are building with each other.

Another example is to lead by example, not to dictate. In other words, don't preach. Instead just practice what uplifts your life without the expectations that your partner do the same. Again, these are actions that are part of the stages of love that will help you learn if you are compatible. Even if you are not, it doesn't mean they are a bad person or you are a bad person. You are merely avoiding unnecessary incompatibility down the road that would lead to a fissure later.

Lastly, a guru, being a guru, is not about helping our partner become the best we think they can be, but the best version of themselves they want to be. What we must know inside ourselves is if we want to support this person as they grow, whatever that growth may be, because if we focus on what we want, we begin to deteriorate any trust that has already been built. "Your partner is your guru, not your god. They help you become better, but they aren't better than you." Which is to say, your story can only be written by you and you must not lose your identity even as you change and grow together. "Remember your own personality, values and goals. Don't lose the thread of your own story."

All that has been shared above needs to be experienced in reverse as well. Do you feel support without expectation or judgment or ego from your partner? This is a two-way street of engagement which again is why it takes time to know if this person is a good fit for you both. To both reside in a growth mindset is crucial, and that is nurtured by being curious about what they are passionate about, helping how you can, being open-minded as well as humble (setting the ego aside). An important finding to keep in mind when we consider offering criticism is that "critical feedback has been identified as one of the most common triggers that send us into a fixed mindset". To further this point of choosing to let go of criticism and using fear as a motivator, Shetty writes, "Criticism is lazy communication. It's not constructive, compassionate or collaborative. Look for ways to communicate so that the other person can consume, digest and apply your input effectively . . . give suggestions instead of criticism."

The gift of being each others' guru while coming with some "discomfort of change is offset by the delight of shared understanding. The growth that a guru and student cultivate keeps a relationship exciting and new even as it matures and you grow more familiar with each other."

~The third ashram of love is knowing how to lovingly protect love while going through struggles.

Simply because we are in the third stage doesn't mean we forget the previous two. In fact, we continue to bring those skills with us because it is during struggling times, that we must know how to self-reflect and self-examine to understand what is blocking our ability to be loving as our relationship grows and evolves. We must also know how to give ourselves self-love and not neglect what we need. In either the instance of navigating lovingly forward with our partner or realizing the partnership will come to an end, we deepen love regardless. Why? Because we have practiced lovingly how to navigate struggle without losing ourselves but also trying to understand and love our partner as we travel forward.

I could detail this Part three of the book, but I think it would be most helpful to read it on your own as it will be very specific to each of our journeys and where we find ourselves. For example, you may currently be in a relationship and are seeking skills and tools on how to fight well - because this is a necessity - and there is a loving way to do it. Or you may be in need of ending a relationship, but are scared to do so. Or maybe you are trying to give yourself permission to speak up, but in a loving, yet clear way that honors you, this chapter is a wonderful resource for all and more ways to protect both the love of a loving relationship and the self-love that should always travel with you through relationships and in between relationships and after relationships.

~The fourth and final ashram of love is connection by extending our love to each and every person and area of our life, having compassion for all living entities. This is the highest expression of love, and all previous stages are preparing you to be able to live in this stage.

One of the aspects and in fact, fundamental points of Jay Shetty's book is one I found to be deeply enlightening and a breath of fresh air. This book, 8 Rules of Love, is actually not about learning how to find your 'love match'. Nope. In fact, it is about realizing that each and every relationship we choose to be in or have been in is actualality providing us an opportunity to learn how to be love in every single moment and day of our life during our one and only life on this planet. Which is to say, "The way you perfect love is not by waiting to find it or have it, but by creating it with everyone, all the time . . . it's the great gift that love has to offer." Shetty goes on to say,

"We want love in our lives, and we naturally assume it should take the form of romantic love. But it's a misconception that the only love in your life is between you and your partner, your family and your friends. It's a misconception that life is meant to be a love story between you and one other person. That love is just a stepping-stone. Having a partner isn't the end goal. It's practice for something bigger and life changing, a form of love that is even more expansive and rewarding than love."

If we are in a romantic relationship, our partners give us a change to practice being love, but "we don't have to fulfill our romantic desires to get there. It is available to all of use e very day, and it is infinite." And that is just the point, being involved romantically is a desire, but it is not something that is required to live a fulfilling life. A life of love is a core component of a fulfilling life, but "love means noticing that everyone is worthy of love and treating them with the respect and dignity their humanity automatically makes them deserve."

10. Understand the skill of a Radius of Respect

"When someone is toxic, we can love them from a radius of respect."

But wait, you might be saying, I am not into this idea of Radical Acceptance. I am not going to subject myself to destructive relationships whether that be caused around family or friends, etc. And you are certainly correct, you should never do so. In fact, it would not be loving toward yourself to put yourself in situations that are harmful, emotionally or physically.

If the person who we acknowledge is toxic, is also someone we don't want to entirely eradicate from our lives, this is where all of our skills of how to be love both to ourselves and them are put into practice. Shetty teaches that when we encounter someone who is hard to be around - known or unknown to us - "the first step toward loving them is to understand what, if anything, our reaction to them reveals about ourselves". He goes on to share examples, but our lives are a constant mirror of what we have put out into the world, and our life journey is full of lessons that if we choose to see them as lessons can improve the quality of our daily experience. In such instances, you may not ever come into contact with the person who raised your hackles, but there is a lesson to be learned about yourself regarding why your hackles went up if you choose to see it.

When it does come to someone who, say a family member, or an ex-partner who you are co-parenting with, etc., the radius of respect entails "standing at the distance where we can still respect and support them, than to be too close and have our resentment grow." Only you will know this distance. Honor what you need. It may change with time - more is needed, less is needed - but when you create a loving environment for yourself in your daily life, you will know what the right distance is each day.

By putting into place the radius of respect, you can continue to be loving because you are "protected from feeling used and you are allowed to wish them well from afar until you are ready to love them up close."

11. Experience love in its different forms

"When we expand our radius of love, we have the opportunity to experience love every day, at every moment."

It is when we broaden our definition of love, and step away from the narrow ideals that have been placed into our minds unconsciously and we accept, that we, through our actions of being love, begin to experience feeling the love we at first were searching for. "Love is available whenever you want to feel it by giving it to others."

12. Give love

"Giving love solves the human need that is even greater than romantic love. I need to be of service. There is no greater ecstasy than that."

And this is why holding your purpose, your dharma, first, finding your dharma, needs to be the leading priority in your life. It is crucial to continue to give yourself self-love throughout your life journey, and to be of service does not me you ignore your needs or your boundaries because when you are unable to give what you can uniquely give because you haven't nourished yourself regularly with what fuels you, protects you, supports you, the world is missing out.

"You can seek love your whole life and never find it, or you can give love your whole life and experience joy."

13. Be love

"We impact one another in all we do."

Through small actions and thoughts that involve practicing understanding, support and belief in what those around us are doing, accepting, and extending appreciation, we are being love in our everyday lives. They need not be grand or big or even cost-expenditure gestures; they just need to be sincere and with the recipient, not the giver, in mind.

"Instead of expecting love, we have to find ways of expressing love . . . We've been taught to believe that the only way [we] can experience love is when [we]receive it, but you can feel love anytime you want to simply by connecting with the love that is always within you."

Shetty breaks down the various zones of love we have in our lives: family and partner, friends, colleagues, community, strangers, organizations, the Earth. we can be love in each one of these situations according to their needs and our relationship with each one through something as simple as a smile, by being respectful, following through on promises, connecting in a way that shows we were listening or see them as an individual if it is for example, a colleague at work, caring for our Mother Earth with thoughtful choices as to how we go through our days and appreciating the gifts she gives us all.

"The greatest way to experience love, is to give it."

We've talked about it before here on the podcast/blog in episode #287 - 5 Things to Do to Build Healthy Relationships, we all innately seek the five A's - appreciation, affection, attention, allowing, acceptance, and here is the key to finding each one: be them. Be appreciative, be affectionate, give your full attention, allow others to be themselves, accept others for being who they are. You may not want to strike up an intimate romantic partnership with everyone, but in choosing this action every time with every person you come across, you are being love.

14. Embrace the paradox of Love

"Experience [love], practice it, and create it instead of waiting for it to find you. The more you do this, the more you will experience the depths of love from different people through every single day for the rest of your life."

For too long in my own life, I sought love. I made mistakes up and down this list of teachings Shetty provides because I didn't know what love really was. So many influences had made an impression on me that it wasn't until I started to acknowledge that what was purported to be love didn't feel loving and so I began began to be a student first of myself, and then of putting into practice what I have learned from those far wiser than I on this topic - Jay Shetty being one such person. To experience love, real love, is to be it in our everyday no matter our relationship 'status'. If we are in a romantic relationship, we can continually be a student and be practicing being love. If we are not in a romantic relationship, we are still in many other relationships, and love can be expressed and exchanged there as well. Our life, today, has the potential to have as much or as little love as we wish to bring to the world, and it is far easier to love when we put the expectations of needing to find it first aside.

In my morning meditation, I close each session with the following intention expressed audibly: May you be content, may you be safe, may you be healthy, may you be kind, may you be love, may your life be filled with peace. I have included inspiration for this phrasing of choice from mindfulness teachers and then included my own regarding what I need to remember to practice in my daily life, so it was important for me to remind myself each day to "be love". Be what I want to experience. Give without the expectation of receiving.

I hope today's episode/post offered insight and inspiration into how to cultivate a deeply fulfilling life full and grounded in real love. Be sure to explore Jay Shetty's latest book The 8 Rules of Love: How to Find it, Keep it, and Let it Go.

8 Rules of Love

Petit Plaisir

~Sautéed chopped chives for finishing a French Omelette, sunny side up egg or anything that pairs well with chives.

Watch the full episode from Season 1 of The Simply Luxurious Kitchen cooking show, episode #5 to learn how to make your very own French Omelette, and be sure to listen to this podcast episode (#360) as we step into my kitchen and listeners can listen as I show the steps for sautéing chives. In fewer than 30 seconds add a punch a flavor that amplifies the yum of an everyday dish.

Watch me cook a French Omelette paired with a green salad live on Afternoon Live, KATU-ABC.

~Explore more Petit Plaisirs here in TSLL's Archives.

Tune in to the latest episode of The Simple Sophisticate podcast

#tsllpodcast thesimplesophisticate

2 notes · View notes