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i-think-i-did-it-again · 10 months

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Drunk II

Author's note: Ok, I actually had this chapter going a completely different way but kind of got caught up in the vibes so let me know what you think! Warning: swearing, bit of smut, angst, douchebag ex

You take a deep breath as you stare at your reflection in the mirror. You hate that when you look at yourself, all you see is flaws. Your skin isn’t good enough, your nose isn’t thin enough, your lips aren’t big enough, your body shape is wrong, your eyes are pretty enough. Sometimes when you look at your reflection, all you want to do is cry. You grimace and look away in disgust. You know why you feel this way. You never thought about any of those things until your ex pointed them out, subtly over your 2 year relationship. He never made you feel beautiful, not once.

You sink down on the couch and stare at the news playing in the background. You’re not really taking anything in, you’re just watching the screen shift between stories and reporters. The bathroom door opens and your heart skips a literal beat. You hold your breath and refuse to release it until you hear his bedroom door open. You feel bad that you snuck out in the early hours of the morning but you were so mortified by what happened, that you couldn’t face Colson right away. You can’t deny it was the best sex of your life but you were drunk and he’s your roommate for fuck sake. Not only that but you were so shamed by the fact that he saw you naked, flaws and all is just too much for you to handle at this very delicate stage of single life.

You haven’t been with anyone since your ex and the two of you broke up over 6 months ago. You try and convince yourself that it’s because you ‘want to focus on you’ for a little while but the truth is, you met your ex in college, you were friends for a while until eventually you fell into something else and somehow became a couple. You left college, got jobs, moved in together and then everything kind of imploded when you woke up one day and realised you were miserable and he was glad you felt that way. Any time you showed any ounce of confidence or self-esteem, he squished it down with a criticism or a look that said ‘really? Are you sure you want to act like that?’.

“I think we should talk,” Colson murmurs, stepping into the living room and pulling you from your thoughts.

He’s dressed casually in a pair of dark grey sweats and a black t-shirt but fuck is he sex on legs. His hair is damp and dishevelled and his cheeks are tinged red from the steam of his shower. You clear your throat and turn away from him quickly, hoping he didn’t catch you staring.

“Look, I don’t want this to be awkward or anything,” you mumble and get to your feet quickly as he sits on the sofa beside you. “What happened, happened and I just don’t think we need to make the situation any worse by analysing it to death.”

“Do I make you uncomfortable, beautiful?” he stands and is in front of you in a second. The air is literally sucked out around you and you could cut the tension in the room with a knife.

“I-I didn’t um…say that.” you want to create distance between the two of you but just like last night, you can’t seem to bring yourself to move away from him. “I just don’t want you to think that I’m one of those needy girls who needs some form of validation after a one night stand.”

“Who said it was just going to be one night?” he smirks at you and your insides do that strange quiver again.

Before you can respond, Colson has your face between his large hands and is kissing you with so much force, you completely lose your train of thought. You know you should protest, your mind is screaming at you to protest but your body has a mind of its own entirely. You grip the back of his neck and pull him impossibly closer to you, inviting his tongue into your mouth with pleasure. He responds by wrapping his arms around your waist and picking you up off the ground. You entwine your legs around his body and he lowers you onto the sofa, pressing his body against yours. You’re grinding, panting and moaning in unison with each other. Colson slips his hand under your shirt to grab your breast and you lean your chest up into it, allowing him to massage it. Just as you're about to rip his t-shirt from his body, a loud knock at your front door interrupts you. Colson groans and pulls himself away from you, taking a few deep breaths.

“Worst fucking timing in the world,” he mumbles under his breath as he stands to open the door.

You see him adjust his junk as he walks to the front door and he looks back to smirk at you. You giggle and turn away from him to compose yourself. You hear the front door open and the sound of angered voices fills the front hall. You’re confused by Colson’s reaction until you hear the stranger more clearly. Your blood runs cold as you recognise your ex’s voice, trying to patronise Colson like he always does. The two of them never got along and you always put it down to them being so different but after your breakup you realised, it’s because your ex is an asshole. You storm down the hallway to give him a piece of your mind but Colson seems to be handling him well. Part of you feels that stepping in would be pointless but you’ve had a lot of time to think of what you’d say to him if you ever got the chance and fuck it now seems like a good time.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” you push past Colson to get in your ex’s face and the look of surprise on it is kind of priceless.

“Don’t talk to me like that,” he scolds you in a firm tone but then looks over your shoulder at Colson’s venomous stare and he backs up a little. “A lady shouldn’t swear,” he tries to backtrack.

Normally, that tone of voice would make you back down immediately but you can feel this new confidence flowing through you as you stare at him. It’s possible you may still be drunk from the night before but you have this weird feeling of power all of a sudden. He doesn’t seem as intimidating as he appeared when you dated. Suddenly you can see his flaws and the attraction you once held for him is gone. His hair is receding, his body doesn’t look as appealing as it used. He no longer appears tall, strong and handsome and it’s as if a spell has been broken. You find yourself comparing him to Colson and suddenly, he comes up short in every department that matters and even some that don’t. You can’t stop your eyes from diverting to Colson’s crutch and you play it off as staring at the wall.

“Why are you here?” you ask nonchalantly, crossing your arms over your chest with annoyance.

“What has gotten into you?” he asks, completely dumbfounded and you can’t seem to stop the laugh that escapes your lips.

You slap your hand over your mouth to keep the laugh from turning into a full on fit of giggles. Colson immediately realises where your mind has gone to and is grinning from ear to ear beside you, clearly not trying to hide his pride from your ex. Your ex looks between the two of you, his jaw practically on the floor.

“Y-you,” he points to you. “A-and you?” and he points to Colson. Neither of you say anything but your smiles and silence answers the question for you. “What the fuck!?” he booms and you instinctively flinch away from him. Colson pulls you back from the door and closer to his side and that only angers him more. “How long has this been going on? Were you fucking him while we were together?! Oh I always knew you were a slut. So insecure about your looks and your subpar intelligence that you had to use your average looking body to get the attention you so desperately crave!”

Colson pushes you behind him and gets as close to your ex’s face as he possibly can, looking as menacing as possible. You can tell by the rigid posture of his shoulders and his shallowing breathing that he’s trying so hard to control his reaction around you. You’re pretty sure if you weren’t there, he would’ve knocked your ex on his ass. He’s a good head taller than your ex and has definitely been in enough physical fights that he can hold his own, more than you could say for your ex. The guy is scared of everything but weak willed women.

“I suggest you stop fucking talking right now and walk away before I make you, got it?” Colson spits at him, taking a step back to create some distance between the two of them.

“Fine but just you wait. She’ll get bored of you too and she’ll dump you just like she did to me,” he points at you, his eyes dark with resentment.

“I’m pretty sure after what he did to me in bed last night, I’ll never be bored of him,” and with that you slam the door in his dumbfounded face.

You stand there for a few seconds trying to take in what just happened. As your ex’s words hit you, playing in your mind, an overwhelming feeling takes over you and you burst into tears. Colson says nothing, instead enveloping you in a hug so tightly it feels like he’s trying to hold you together as you fall apart in his arms. You hate that seeing your ex still causes you to react this way. No matter how powerful or confident you feel, he always finds a way to tear you down and make you feel like that scared college girl you used to be. He somehow makes you forget that you’re a grown woman.

Maybe your ex is right though? Why would someone like Colson want to be with someone like you? You’re not really an interesting person. Last night was the first time you’ve gone out and stayed out past 10pm in a long time. You don’t have tattoos or crazy coloured hair like most of the women he brings home. You’re not adventurous. Hell, last night was the first time a man has ever made you orgasm during sex.

“I-I’m s-sorry. I can’t do this,” you pull away from Colson and turn to walk away from him, just wanting to be alone.

“No, don’t do this,” he begs you, grabbing your wrist and trying to pull you back to him but you resist.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you reply flatly.

“Don’t let that fuckwit ruin this,” he gestures back and forth between you. “I can see it. He got into your head, he’s making you doubt this. Don’t give him that power, he doesn’t deserve it!”

“I’m sorry,” is all you can say and you go to your bedroom, closing and locking the door behind you.

Colson jimmies the door handle a couple of times, banging on the wood begging for you to let him in but you ignore him. Eventually the banging stops and you lay on your bed, holding your pillow and staring at the wall. You scold yourself for being so stupid as to think that last night could magically fix everything that is wrong with you.

‘Naive fool’ your self-conscious scolds you and you nod your head in agreement.

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theambitiouswoman · 1 year

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¿How to not be scared of failure/making a mistake?

Ever since i was little I've been afraid of answering questions in class because I didn't wanna be made fun of, and whenever i'm called in class (now in college) I feel again like that anxious little girl that gets teary-eyed and wants everyone to stop judging her, and that limits me to excel in academics, and I'm sick of that. But I don't really know where to start, how to get more comfortable with the idea of making a mistake, and I would like to know if you can offer some advice on that. Thank your for reading, hope you have a nice day <3

Hi angel💗

It's not uncommon to feel afraid of failure or making mistakes, especially if you've had negative experiences in the past.

However, it's important to understand that making mistakes is a natural part of the learning process and a necessary step towards success. Remember that mistakes are the building blocks of success. If you’re not making them, you’re not moving forward or giving yourself the opportunity to grow.

Every expert was once a beginner. And those beginners made lots of mistakes. But they didn’t give up.

Consider how strong you have to be to put yourself out there, when so many other people can’t or won’t. In life, you will never be criticized by someone doing better than you.

To me, doing something even though you’re terrified makes you brave. Even if you’re about to cry, even if your voice shakes. ESPECIALLY actually because you powered through regardless of those feelings. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Putting yourself out there is how you gain confidence.

Another way to feel more comfortable in scenarios like the example you gave, is to know as much information on the subject. So much that no one can doubt you, not even yourself. If you know what you’re talking about, you don’t care what people think. This will show in your posture and how you communicate your thoughts.

Taking small actionable steps like raising your hand to ask a question in class, can help because you answer a question and feel validated by the fact that you were right and knew something.

Challenge your negative self-talk by reminding yourself of your strengths and past wins. Believe in yourself so much that others have no choice but to believe in you too.

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tsunderedoctor · 2 years

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Hi, I'm new to your blog and think it's so kind and fantastic that you offer so much comfort to other fans like this. If it's a good time for you and you're comfortable with it, may I ask for an emergency request? I've been struggling with self-loathing thoughts and feeling like I'm a burden. There's days it feels like the bad feelings bubble up and want to explode "Because I'm worthless!" when people ask what's wrong, even though I don't want others to know. Could I get Smoker, (1/2, sorry!!)

(2/2, again so sorry for the length of this!) I wanted to know if I could get Smoker, Shanks, and Benn with an s/o (gn! reader please) along with Whitebeard (fatherly) that accidentally blows up like that and how they comfort or challenge their partner's thoughts. I struggle correcting my own negative thoughts and it'd mean a lot to hear them call them out in a way. Either way, thank you so much for your time and I appreciate you and your blog immensely.

So sorry this took so long, I won’t lie I haven’t been feeling well lately mentally, but I hope you are well and know you are important and so loved!! 💜

Despite his gruff appearance, he has a soft spot for good people, and you are on that list. He struggles with his words and knowing what to say, so he allows his actions to speak for him.

He enjoys quality time and acts of service to let you know how you mean to him. Once he notices the rejection and feelings of worthlessness coming from you, he does his best to spend more time with you, even taking away from work.

Goes silent when you snap at him, reminding himself you are just upset right now and that you need his support during this difficult time. Even if you refuse the hug, pulls you close, telling you how much you mean to him through red cheeks.

Spends the rest of the day, gloved hand petting your head, trying to remind you how important you are to him without expressing those difficult words.

Shanks hates when people criticize or talk badly about his things, and that includes you too! He has no problem putting you in your place when you begin saying mean things about yourself.

He goes out his way to make you see how much he needs you, even if it means hurting himself on “accident” just so you can patch him back up!

Reminds you how much you mean to him and pulls you close to his body. He’s a physical touch lover and wants you to know that sometimes he just needs you and can’t go a day without your hugs. Just one more reason why you are so important to him!

If you still refuse to see things his way, he will give you the stare that terrifies a hundred men, DON’T talk bad about his beloved treasures or feel his wrath!

Benn is a bit more easier to talk to than Shanks when it comes to self-hatred. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care however, rather he understands the feeling and knows nothing he will say can change that.

More of a acts of service doer, so he helps you relieve some stress by making your favorite meal or doing a difficult task you were stressing about.

Let’s you vent out all your frustrations as he smokes a cigarette and hums every once in a while, letting you know he is listening. He knows this emotion is just a phase and will pass, leading you back to wanting to be in his arms soon enough. You just had to work it out of your system first.

When the time comes and you just want to cry in his arms, expressing your anger and frustrations, he opens them wide to let you in. Strong arms working so hard to hold the weight of the world for both of you.

This reminds him so much of Ace, it hurts his old soul. Please don’t go doing something crazy, like sacrificing yourself to feel your validation of being needed and wanted.

Keeps a close eye on you and does his best to be a listening ear when you come for advice or support. But always tells you that you matter in the crew and that he’s proud of you.

Definitely a words of affirmation and quality time seeker. He wants you to know you belong in the crew and will tell you every day if needed. You ARE important, damn it!

Even on his death bed, he reached out and pats your head in a loving manner, reminding you just in that act alone how much you matter to him and that you did him proud. Don’t be so hard on yourself or you’ll make your old man cry.

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is-the-fire-real · 3 months

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judío por elección (part 1)

(TW: aging, death, brief description of dead body and the effects of death)

We were stopped on the street two years ago by a small gray-haired lady who was thrilled to hear us speaking English. She herself was a Londoner who transplanted to our small Andalusian village with her husband almost twenty years ago. She was thrilled to hear people speaking in her mother tongue and invited my wife and I in for coffee anytime.

We started taking her up on it. The pandemic was still On, but not Lockdown On. We wore masks, sat on their broad terrace over six feet apart, and shouted conversation at each other. She always gave us tons of cookies and coffee from her once-white, now-brown-from-use plastic electric kettle. I get nervous about plastic kettles, but drank it anyway. And here was where we met her husband, E.

E was stooped and frail where his wife, S, was merely beginning to run down a little. When you get to E's age, the skeleton starts to come out in your features. Even then, we had no idea how old E really was until he casually mentioned that he remembered his father coming back from the war.

The War, he said, and I told my wife afterwards this must be WW2, and later, we asked enough questions to validate that guess. So in his 80s.

E forgot a lot of things. He acting like being Jewish was a secret because he'd forgotten how he'd hung up a Passover plate on one wall, and how he'd marked the eastern wall of the house with a plaque of the Tablets of the Law. We decided to make him feel safer by talking about my Jewish stepfamily and my wife's experiences of being mistaken for Jewish. He talked about learning Hebrew before he learned English, a little about growing up Orthodox in England in the fifties. Then he made us swear we'd never tell anyone in the village that he was Jewish.

We swore.

He wasn't an easy person to be around. Part of aging sometimes is feeling the weight of all your seemingly-innocent choices along the way dragging your body down into oblivion. Throughout his life, E smoked and E was a jeweler who did woodworking and home repair and almost never wore a mask. E when I knew him was tied to an oxygen tank and sounded like he breathed underwater. Throughout his life, E was strong and able to exert gentle control over others; when I knew him, his reedy voice rose to sharply criticize anyone around him.

He complained of how things were different now in the village; I saw his fear of the last great big change behind his words.

That was how my wife and I treated these visits: we were seeing an old man at the end of his life far away from his family trying to cope. He told the same set of stories over and over again; we took it as him needing certainty that somebody would know and tell those stories. (One of them: E worked on set design for the show "Merlin", kept the molds, and utilized them in his home design... so some of his walls had little archways with Merlin's star or the throne's symbol impressed upon them.) He went back and forth between taxing S with unreasonable requests and trying to ratchet them back when he saw he went too far.

Early in the summer of 2023, E started repainting and cleaning off his terrace and rooftop. S would cry and beg and plead for him not to, it was too hot, he'd go without oxygen too long (she was right). E ignored her. I drank my coffee and thought about how he must know the end was near and how he wanted to leave the house in a nice condition for S to live in, or sell, afterward.

The last thing he tried to do was repaint part of the ceiling which had collapsed and decorate it with stars, galaxies, and black holes. "It takes a great deal of time to reproduce the universe," he'd say, and my wife would laugh and say "Of course, it took G-d six days but we're not G-d", and then E'd laugh, every time.

Toward the end of an obscenely hot June, S called me in shrieking tears and told me "I think E has died!"

I was in the middle of six chores when I got that phone call, none of which were done that day. My wife and I ran for S's house. E had been mostly bed-bound for the past two weeks. He had gotten out of bed, walked into the foyer, and collapsed. He was almost certainly dead immediately. S had to do CPR on him while weeping and talking to the emergency workers in broken Spanish.

Never seen a dead body before.

After the workers finally arrived, it went more quickly. They picked his body up and wrapped him in a sheet and laid him on the marital bed. My wife, who speaks Spanish natively, spoke to all the different workers. I didn't, so I ended up finding a mop and cleaning up the urine that coated the entire foyer. (The next day I'd bring by a steam cleaner, run it through the whole foyer, and then I steam cleaned her kitchen so we could all pretend I hadn't brought it over to cleanse the last of E from the house.)

(When I learned that you kasher a microwave by steaming water in it, I immediately thought of that day.)

I led S into the room where E's body lay. I pulled out my phone while she cried. I didn't yet understand how an ethnoreligion worked, but I still had a sense that while E wasn't passionately religious, he would want certain things for himself. If he didn't, then S needed something that would help her move into grief. And I knew that it'd help me. So I pulled up an English language version of a mourning prayer and guided S through it.

This calmed her a little, and after touching his outline, she left the room. Alone, not sure if he said it or if I believed it, I recited the Shema on his behalf. (Which I had learned, to my goyim embarrassment, from "The Sandman".)

After E's passing, none of his remaining family were Jewish, and nobody wanted his Judaica. Once S started cleaning all the remnants out of her house, she went hard on purging the Judaica. I don't blame her for this, exactly. She was grieving and she had no concept of how important some of those objects could be. My wife told her to give us any books or items that were about Judaism instead of throwing them away. When she did, S lit up and immediately gave us his mezuzahs. One was empty. One had a tatty old prayer sheet inside it.

My wife and I looked for hours on how to dispose of the prayer (we still haven't, we're working on it). I looked up whether or not it was okay for non-Jews to hang mezuzah. As I shared the results, my wife laughed and said they'd feel weird about it, like they were cosplaying Judaism.

"I'd like to be Jewish," they said, as they had for the past fifteen years on and off, "only I can't."

This time, for the first time, I said: "Why not?"

#is-the-fire-real original #jewish conversion #jewish convert #judiasm #jumblr #jew by choice #jew in progress #spain #andalusia #tw: death #aging

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the-slasher-madame · 2 years

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So I’m sneaking my phone out rn because dear lord my dysphoria is so bad. I was wonder if you could do the Sinclair brother, Thomas and RZ Michael helping a ftm s/o dealing with dysphoria? Thank you so much

I am so so sorry :(

I'm genderfluid, but I don't feel a whole lot of dysphoria, but what I have felt was horrible. And most of my friends experience it and it hurts watching them hurt. I'm sorry dear heart, I'll do my best to have a present for you <33333

TW/Notes: gender dysphoria, trans masc/trans man reader, mentions of violence (it's slashers, what do y'all expect?), cursing (but I think y'all are used to that by now lol), probably OOC but again, that's just how I roll here, let me know if I missed anything!!

Bo Sinclair:

Poor thing will take a while to understand

While I am 10000% in the camp that headcannon him as bi or pan, and I think Vinny is some shade of not-cis, Bo is still new here. And a little outdated

HOWEVER, he will defend your honor like a rabid dog. He'll hear someone misgender you and will kill them, brutally, slowly, and will not allow them to be waxified. He gets so pissed at himself when he messes up on your pronouns

Along with all that, I think he would be a little confused and not understand dysphoria. He's like "you said yer a boy, whyoncha feel like it?"

If that's the final straw and you start crying, his entire thought process is 'shit shit shit shitshitshIT'

He hates when you cry and he wants to put himself in the Wax Chair when he makes you cry

I love the idea of this man comforting me while I cry and shushing me

ANYWAYS

Once you explain that your brain is a little bitch as well as the fact that your body just feels wrong sometimes, he understands a bit better; he understands very well what it's like to feel that your body is wrong

He tries so hard to help you on days that it gets unbearable. He makes sure that if you bind, it's safely and whatever you bind with is clean. He steals every piece of masc clothing from the victims (even if it's definitely not the right size). He helps you keep your hair styled how you want (bringing in Vincent to help).

Bo would also help with when you needed to shower but didn't want to look at yourself. A couple of candles and himself, of course, to try to solve the issues

He's also there for all the hardest times, when you just wanted to cry. He always had reassurances ready for you, and never failed to remind you that you were his man

Vincent Sinclair:

I think he understands the most

I am firmly of the belief he goes by he/they, and I won't take criticism

Or is a gender non-conforming man, or non-binary, or demiboy

I think y’all get what I’m saying, he’s a masculine entity but they aren’t a man

He’s the best for helping you feel comfortable

He is the King of soft, god I fucking love them

anyways

He might mess up once or twice, but he’s like really good at getting your pronouns right. Sometimes it feels like they’re more accurate than you

If you don’t want to see feminine clothing? He will actually burn any feminine clothing in the house

While I absolutely agree that they’re co-dependent on Bo, Vincent will not hesitate to lose they’re shit on either brother for misgendering you or being rude. This man would eat straight wax for you ngl

ALWAYS READY TO LISTEN!! If he smells the most tiny bit of sadness or bad feelings, he has a cup of tea (or your favorite drink) prepped and a spot in his lap that hey, wouldn’t ya know, is you sized

They will do anything in his power to learn to make you binders. And he will not let you wear it for too long. Like exactly 8 hours later they materialize at your shoulder and politely ask you to take it off

They could and will spend days showering you in affirmations and validations. You are his man, their handsome boyfriend, and he loves telling you as much

His art of you is always perfect, always shows how you feel, and he tries so hard to show you how he feels and how he sees you in his art. However, they’re also understanding if it’s not helpful when you feel super dysphoric

Another one that’s more than happy to shut off the lights and shower you. They won’t let you lift a finger, pampering your body with all possible bath products in the house

I think they’d both sew you clothing and let you pick out anything you want from the victims. Would also threaten his brothers to buy you things in town

Did I mention they get exceptionally brutal with people who misgender you?? Like I love the idea he get’s very brutal and cruel in his art, but dear sweet jesus on a breadstick anyone who hurts you, physically or emotionally, will be kept alive for weeks and will die horrifically

Loves styling your hair <3, cause he definitely has to cut and shape the hair of finished tourists

Lester Sinclair:

I love this himbo, like I don’t care what anyone says he’s sweeter than sugar

Also like the idea of him having a dark side

Ok moving on to the, you know, request

Y’all remember how in Steven Universe, Blue said “she prefers to be called Steven”? That’s the vibe I get from him. He’s confused, but he’s got the spirit

ofc he makes mistakes, but he tries so so hard and feels so so bad when he messes up

It hurts him seeing you have to feel this way, definitely the boyfriend who cries when you cry

Firmly believes in the healing power of cuddles. Somehow cuddles you extra hard when you feel really dysphoric

I think I might’ve seen this somewhere else, but he when you’re with him and he’s picking up tourists, he will stop the car if someone misgenders you. Full stop, brake petal to the floor, full body turn towards whoever just spoke, and pulls out the Southern Politeness. The politeness that us southerners use when we want to kill someone

“Well, ma’am, if you’d like to keep ridin in my truck you best apologize to the young man who accompanies me.” He’s used to people being bitchy to him, but will not tolerate it directed towards you. I fully believe he has put people out of the truck, driven to Bo, and told him there were some target practice out about a mile or two away. Will refuse to let the twins waxify the rude tourists

Listens to you and tries his best to validate you, even if he doesn’t completely understand. Will do anything to make you feel better

Always always always buys you masculine clothing, even splurging on you (even if you insist he needs some clothes, he’ll just say, “naw, darlin’, I’m jus fine.”

NO HE’D LOVE TO SHARE CLOTHES WITH YOU IF HE COULD!!!!

I’m a slut for close intimacy that isn’t necessarily sexual, so he’d be more than happy to shower with you in the dark or make you the BIGGEST bubble bath possible

NOOO HE’D SIT JONESY DOWN AND EXPLAIN THAT “Y/N’s a boy, alright Jonesy? He’s one of the boys and we gotta treat him as such”

Does worry about when you bind, he’s read up on it and he worries about you getting hurt, but either way he will send you friendly reminders when it’s been 8 hours and very carefully washes what you bind with

Thomas Hewitt:

The Hewitt family is one of the few Christian families that live in Texas I would love to be around (I’m sorry, I have a thing against Texas and I’m suspicious of most Christians concerning my status as a queer person with a uterus in America)

Ok yea, it takes the whole family a little while to get used to everything, but Thomas and Luda are accepting and try to understand. They will also criminally assault Hoyt if he is dick

If Hoyt misgenders you, and if he does it on purpose, he better pray. Thomas will turn on his Extra Scary Mode and Luda will pull out a cast iron skillet she has set aside specifically for dealing with Hoyt

Thomas might make mistakes, but at the same time he doesn’t talk so I think that would affect how often he accidentally uses the wrong pronouns

Also, how much interaction does he have with gender and social norms?? I could see him not understanding why people think it’s a bad thing

Someone is a transphobic wad of dick cheese? Won’t eat that person, straight up won’t. Hell, he might not leave enough to eat

He keeps an eye on you and your binding, but I don’t think he’d be like Vincent and come forth from the shadows to remind you it’s been eight hours (at first at least). But he would try to find patterns to make you binders and makes sure they’re washed properly

He is a master seamster. Sews you clothes that are masculine and that fit and flatter you perfectly. You swear he uses magic when sewing you clothes because how can they possibly be this fitting and help you look so much more masculine??

Will do anything you need to feel better, from cuddles to clothes to tea. Would try to find advice from Luda on how to help you, and she’d tell him what kind of stuff usually helps people feel better, but she doesn’t know exactly what to do either

Would treat you in baths and showers, doing his best to distract you from how you feel with your body

He may not understand completely, but whew boy does he know what it’s like to have body issues. He understands that much, at least, and he aches that you feel similarly to the way he has his whole life

He doesn’t speak often, or like at all, but he’d give you a few words of validation and reassurance that he knows you’re a man, and that he sees you as a masculine individual, and that he loves you no matter what

Feels comfortable enough now to explore his gender

RZ! Michael Myers:

While this man is by no means a child, I don’t think he has a full grasp of gender (at least the way other people think he should)

Like come on y’all, he was locked up as a six year old child and didn’t get the whole experience of ya know,,, being raised (I will forever quote the person who said that Loomis’ degree was written in crayon, cause they were right)

So anyways I don’t think he really understands gender as like the rigid structure so many people think of it as. Like I know for me gender is just kinda weird. Like some sea animal with no shape, or mystery meat that shivers when you poke it

And thus he doesn’t understand transphobia at all. Like bro how does a person telling you their gender affect your life that much??

And along those lines, he may not fully understand dysphoria. His thinking is “you know you are boy, you have told me (the most important person in your life) that you are boy, so therefore you are boy”

THAT BEING SAID MY RZ MIKEY IS SOMFT AND TRYING HIS GODDAMNED BEST ALRIGHT?!!!?!??! He uses his lil 6th sense for gauging emotions to keep an eye on you and is by your side the second he detects a change

Bless his heart he’s a cat. Stares at you, will try bringing you things, and just shows up when you cry. He could be on the other side of the city, but he knows when you cry and will hightail it home

You have to warm him up to cuddles, but once you do his is always always ready

He kind of assumes you know how best to handle binding, but he will still keep an eye out and start to nudge you if you’ve had it on too long

This man doesn’t clean, he’s no help cleaning your binder, BUT he will bring you masculine clothing from a victims house...you just may need to use some lemon juice or hydrogen peroxide on it because I don’t think it was originally that shade of red

I think he’s more a bath person, and would love to try and return the kindness you show him by giving you a bath when you feel dysphoric. Might add too many bubbles, but he figures the more bubbles = the easier to hide under

Back to transphobia: he either kills them especially brutally, or really quickly because they don’t deserve the time of day. It depends on how badly they pissed him off. If someone misgenders you on purpose, you will see their face on the news the same day Mikey comes back with his coveralls soaked and pieces of flesh spattered onto his figure

He’s the kind of guy that you have to show him what to do at first to be helpful and validating, but after that he’s good to go. Give him a break he was never properly socialized as a child :(

Also understands the body issues (very few slashers don’t if I’m being honest) and will try to show you what helps him: making masks. He can be persuaded to extend that to making art

Another one that’s a masculine entity but not entirely a man in the traditional sense. He too thinks gender is a shivering mystery meat ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Alright that’s what I’ve got!!! Again I’m so sorry Ziggy :((( I hope you feel better, and if it helps any you’re definitely one of my slasher tumblr crushes <333333

I will also brutally murder anyone who misgenders you, just hit me up and I’ll grab my bat

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moonstonehailstorm · 5 months

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I recently discovered that I am autistic. I wish I could say I took it calmed and with positivity, but no: it was a mess.

A friend of mine shared a page called Embrace Autism, and I know a lot of people don't value the self diagnosis, but those tests are validated, updated and revised by several doctors and professionals.

When I did the first, my score was high but I laughed. Everybody is a bit autistic, right? This can't be right. Then I took another test, a longer one designed for adults who scape diagnosis due to masking and other conditions. I scored high again. I was not laughing anymore, it started to feel weird. Then I made another, and high again. This couldn't be real... I started to look for information focused on autism in adults and it slowly started to make sense. I couldn't believe it, I didn't want it to be real.

I surely started to cry, because the reality sunk in like million bricks. I've always related to Sheldon Cooper, but that was a joke, right? Well, maybe not so much... And all those times my mom would tell me to sit down correctly, to do or not do certain things, the way I don't understand sometimes social cues, how I learned to smile to people copying one of my cousins because I watched her do so, I never smiled as a kid and nowadays people think I'm too serious... Things like fidgeting, hyperfixate on stuff and having special interests, infodump my friends and be very conscious that I annoy them, categorize things, having misophonia and sometimes misokinesia, being absolutely unable to eat hot food or shower with hot water, and be extremely sensitive if someone pokes my arm... A lot of stuff that people considered exaggerations or calling me straight up crazy now have a name.

It was not easy... It still isn't and I'm still discovering stuff. And it hurts to think that I've changed things due to criticism, or just to fit in. And sometimes I catch myself remembering things and realizing it was my autism. For example, I once said in a job interview that I tend to focus on details a little bit too much as a weakness... It is not appreciated by neurotypicals for us to focus on the little bits instead of the big picture, and that's just wrong, that's rejecting myself and that's not who I am.

It's been a complicated process. And this takes me to another point: no therapist ever told me I may have autistic traits. And all of my problem regarding to selfharm was actually related to my autism. It was selfinjurious stiming. Needless to say I started to cry again when I read an article about it because every single piece that was missing finally found their place and the huge amount of relief that came after was incredible.

This is going to be a long process of self acceptance and discovering. I've spent almost all of my life wondering why anxiety didn't fit at all, or obsessive compulsive traits, things I thought I had and that have been suggested by professionals in therapy. None of them noticed I am neurodivergent. But now that I know, I can take the following steps that I actually need, and finally heal parts of me that were not broken, they were just misunderstood.

#actually autistic #asd #self diagnosed autism

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hopefulcanary · 2 years

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Do you have any drawing tips for semi-beginners hoping to improve drawing people? 🙏

Draw at least once a day, even if you don't feel like it. Artistic skill is 5% raw talent and 95% stubborn af bull-headed "fuck you I'm mad that I can't draw a 3/4 head so I am gonna draw it a hundred times until I get it right"

Do drawing warmups– straight lines from the shoulder, spirals and circles and cubes, things that get your muscles, well, warmed up. Even if this is all you can draw that day, you're still gaining fine motor control.

Copy from old school masters. I literally, 100% do mean "sit your butt down and freehand a copy of whatever famous painting/sculpture/piece you're gaga for". Critically analyze how these artists drew the human form. Why do you enjoy these artists' works? What would you like to learn from them? I'm not a great colorist, so I enjoy studying how other artists utilize light and color.

Listen to Jack Kirby's advice:

Use references. All the time. Every damn day. Download stock photos that look cool and try drawing them. Take photos of yourself, your friends and fam and draw them. Feel weird because smug little assholes cry that "that's cheating", or folks make fancy jpgs of how you have to change a certain percent of the pose/hair/face/the way the shirt is flowing on your friend's body because exact life-drawing studies are "copying" now??? References are how artists work successfully and grow as artists. So you know, fuck them.

"Stock photo [person] [action]" is a life saver for finding poses to practice on

Use grids if you need to. Our predecessors did. Hell, they used crazy things like the camera obscura to make the perspective of their paintings correct. Programs like Procreate literally have grid guides to help.

Just completely stuck on a body part and frustrated that you can't get it to look right? Trace it. You have my permission. Trace it to get the form right, then try free-handing it again. You'll probably nail it. MAGIC. This is not "cheating".

(Don't trace stuff and pass it off as yours/use it for final pieces* unless your style is literally rotoscoping, a perfectly valid art form. Like, know your work and take pride in it.)

Related to that, don't feel married to a particular "style". Learn the basic foundations, then Experiment. Do those "draw my character in [X] style" memes. Flexibility will help you be kinder to yourself. Push your limits.

Redraw old work, so you can see how much you've improved.

Everything about a person can be broken down into basic shapes. Don't feel like you have to draw all the body contours perfectly the first time, and don't feel married to your first drafts. Revise, revise, revise.

Be kind to yourself. Seriously. Allow yourself to be patient with yourself. Adults in particular are so hard on themselves when it comes to drawing, when we don't need to be.

*On the topic of tracing:

Want to know where you CAN trace all the live long day? Your own work. "What?" Yes. Good god, yes. Light boxes exist in meat space for a reason! Layers in digital programs exist for a reason! So you doodled two different pics of Bucky Barnes and you love his face on one but hate it on another? C&P that sucker over or draw off that. Make a new layer above the mess. Finesse the Winter Soldier into complying cuz he's an obedient boy. It's your vision, go HAM.

On the subject of "Originality":

Andrew Loomis' Figure Drawing For All It's Worth is a solid read that goes into the specifics of how to draw people, going into anatomy and breaking down bodies and faces into shapes and lines. Part of my improvement came when I stopped stressing out about the whole image (at least at first) and took things section by section.

It might seem a little dense and intimidating at first, but it's so much better than a lot of the "how to draw" stuff on the market today.

This is also dense af but I hope it helps!

#my art #art asks #text post

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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 6 months

Text

10/14/23

I'm not having a good time right now. What else is new nothing good is happening when I come to write on this blog.

Well, I had a bad relationship scare. Jayson wants to take a break from... everyone? Including me. I just vented a little bit about my anxiety and he got so mad. He said nothing has improved for me. I tried explaining to him that what I want is comfort and affirmation, and not advice right now. But he just didn't understand. No matter what I do, no matter how much I explain no matter how much I try to level out with positivity no matter how much I cry no matter how much I tell him I love him- I will not get back on his good side, he will not lower his guard for me. Guess there's just those types of people that once they're upset, they're upset, nothing you can do about it other than wait it out. So now I'm going to wait it out...

I asked him what he loves about me, since I'm over here trying to advocate for myself, while also validating him and affirming how he feels, while just criticizing me and doesn't comfort me like I wanted. The only thing he answered was "I love how you have unwavering love for me."

They say the definition of insanity is doing something over and over and over again expecting a different result. I don't know why I try to fix things when I should just disengage until he's ready.

So now I promised him I would never vent about anything until we get our shit together. I get that he's emotionally unavailable, but it just feels awful when you can't trust your partner to emotionally be there for you anymore.

I just want to be loved.

I want to be strong for Jayson

#personal #diary #vent

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supersanderman · 1 year

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Sci-Tech Camps and A Few Fandoms

Oh… welcome back. I’m glad you decided to keep reading, clearly, you tolerated my first post enough to want to keep reading. I hope that you learned something from my first post, either about me, how universal some experiences are, or that learning takes time. If you learned nothing then hopefully this time around will be a little more educational.

So let’s continue the story of how I got to where I am today, and the biggest step was a Jewish Sci Tech camp in the middle of Massachusetts. It for many was a home away from home, and for me it was no different. I had gone there during its first three years of operation, becoming a pioneer camper and loving every step of it. The camp used a boarding school as home base, and they, as John Hammond in Jurrasic Park said, “spared no expense.” It was magical and as a kid I felt like I was in wonderland. Finally a place where I could be a nerd with people who were also Jewish. A place where everyone liked Star Wars and Marvel and Mario.

Now flash forward to the summer of the second pandemic year of 2021, and I am a jobless soon to be junior in college. I hated my old camp, the toxicity could poision a person a mile away. I was done working for a place that did nothing for me, and made me feel like shit. So I decided to look into jobs at my old camp, a place where I felt at home. I was offered a position on the spot and I was ready to begin a new. And boy did I begin a new.

It actually probably started during staff training. Many of the people there were part of the LGBTQ+ community, and we had a training on what to do with kids who were questioning their identiy and how to make camp a safe space. I, at this point, was also questioning my identity and I knew I definitely wasn’t straight but I also didn’t feel I was queer. I had said if “how queer are you on a scale of 1 to 10” was the question, where 1 was straight and 10 was queer, I’d be a 3 or a 4. Definitely not entirely straight but not fully gay, bi or queer. And that was just fine. And then, as most things go, shit hit the fan and I once again began to question everything. I began to have feelings for a non-binary person named Caden. I soon came to learn that they also had feelings for me. I was filled with so many emotions, and I wasn’t sure where to place all of them. Long story short, we were alone one night, as close to a date at sleep away camp could be, and I hesitated, then I may have trauma dumped. It wasn’t pretty. We both became awkward until the third session where we finally got a chance to talk and we came to a mutual understanding and were back to being friends. But that night solidified everything I was feeling was real, and not just in my head. But that didn’t stop the imposter syndrome from hitting my brain like a truck speeding down the freeway. We would have prideday fridays and I would wear a shirt with a unicorn and a rainbow, but when I wore it, I felt off. Like I was lying to myself. It hurt, but I realized that those feelings were valid. It took some crying, some feeling helpless, some talking to people, but I was able to work through it.

Other than that emotional journey of epic proportions, I got to run events and activities based on some of my favorite fandoms. My favorite was for an elective we had an activity I ran called something something something dark side, a family guy reference, where the campers had to design a new and improved death star and we would determine a winner based on a number of categories. And with that its time to break two fandoms down. Being at a sci tech camp we love Star Wars and Harry Potter but oh boy do they have issues. Both have been plagued with gross stereotypes. Star Wars in particular has been criticized for its stereotyping. The Gungans, especially Jar Jar Binks, whose speech and looks such as saying “misa and yousa” and having big bulging eyes seem to be stereotyping black people. Additionally, the Neimodians accent, and mannerisms stereotype Asians. The junker Watto is a Jewish stereotype, as he is a greedy alien with a big nose. Star Wars also has a history of having token black character, Lando from the original, Mace Windu from the prequels, and Finn from the sequels, which was called out by Finn actor John Boyega. Plus there’s a random lesbian kiss in the ninth movie, which I personally forgot about which has been criticised for being forced and an example of queerbaiting.

Harry Potter isn’t much better. Token race and ethnic characters like Cho Chang, Seamus Finnigan, and Dean Thomas/Lee Jordan, the whole goblin banker jewish stereotype, especially being bad in the new hogwarts legacy game, and of course the dumpster fire that is J.K. Rowling’s transphobic twitter. Harry Potter has tried and failed to make things better by adding a trans character to the new video game. It is hard for a lot of people to try and enjoy these fandoms after their eyes are open to just how problematic they are. Some people just decide they are done and will avoid watching star wars and reading harry potter. I personally try and understand that, while not an excuse, the books and movies were mostly made well before this new age of analysis and representation.

And now more than every, LGBTQ+ people have been trying to mix the fandom with their identity. Fanfics and ships try to make up for the lack of LGBTQ+ representation by making traditionally staright characters gay and lesbian, something I am all for. I am the president of a Harry Potter club at Rutgers and every year we do a charity dance. Last year we donated our funds to the Trans Lifeline as a direct FU to J.K Rowling. It's not impossible to love fandoms and be aware of their flaws. The fandoms can be appreciated while also being scrutinized for their shortcomings, and hating J.K. Rowling with every fiber in your body does not have to equate to disliking Harry Potter. The hope is that these cash cows will do better and create characters who aren’t just stereotypes and tokens, but rather are characters who serve a purpose as well as represent under represented groups. From the looks of Hogwarts Legacy that may be a pipe dream, but we can hope.

References:

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logicalbookthief · 3 years

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Christmas Movies Ranked by How Anti-Capitalist They Are

It’s a Wonderful Life

Movies that make you want to pick a fight with the 1% and also weep with joy. Absolutely a classic and anti-capitalist at its very core. Will convince you we need to start oppressing landlords again.

“Just remember this, Mr. Potter, that this rabble you're talking about... they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn't think so. People were human beings to him. But to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they're cattle.”

SAY THAT!!! George Bailey said fuck landlords, all my homies hate landlords, they have NO rights. Local man believes poor people are human, dedicates his life to helping them, and in his time of the need literally the whole town comes together to support him and his family. Class solidarity ftw!

“Remember no man is a failure who has friends.” Bitch I CRY EVERY GODDAMN TIME.

10/10

Home Alone

Soundtrack goes hard, the wacky hijinks even harder.

Loses points because the bandits had a prime opportunity to seize and redistribute some of the wealth from this ritzy Chicago neighborhood and instead they focus their energy on trying to kill an 8-year-old who outsmarts them at every turn.

2/10

Elf

A family favorite in our house. Touches on the overworking and mistreatment of employees through Greenway Press – Walter forced to choose between being with his family on Christmas Eve or losing his job, it’s implied Deb has a pet grooming business on the side to makes ends meet despite being a receptionist at a NY publishing company, etc.

Honestly most of the points come from Jonie’s underrated yet highly relatable storyline. She works in retail, exhausted and cynical towards the high-paced Christmas season which gives her little to no relief or reward, since she’s surviving on ramen noodles and using the employee showers because her water was cut off. Not expanded on enough to be considered a true Marxist piece but the effort is appreciated.

5/10

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Although the meme is correct in that Rudolph’s red nose becomes desirable only once it proves to be useful, it does get points for exposing the harmful nature of forced conformity and those alienated by these capitalist ideals -- Rudolph, Hermie, the island of misfit toys -- are given a place to belong despite the perceived “flaws” that before made them undesirable.

Also the elves definitely have a free dental-plan now thanks to Hermie and are hopefully on their way to unionizing. Fucking superb you funky little misfit.

6/10

Klaus (2019)

Turns a member of the bourgeoisie into a man I’d trust to carry my mail. Respect for postal workers this movie contains was ahead of its time.

No direct takedown of the establishment but a heartwarming message -- “A true selfless act always sparks another” bITCH I may be crying -- that emphasizes the importance of giving to others even when there is no selfish motivation to do so, which is inherently anti-capitalist.

8/10

The Santa Clause

Scott Calvin starts as a toy executive who takes part in the commercialization of Christmas. He was probably a business major so automatically loses points.

The Santa dynasty itself seems to operate under the cutthroat rules of the business world where you must overthrow (or in this case, throw him off the roof) the former CEO in order to seize power.

Elves have not unionized or seized the means of production by the end.

0/10

A Christmas Carol

THE ORIGINAL. Charles Dickens was not even in the neighborhood of fucking around with this one. CREATED the anti-capitalist Christmas genre!!

Rich man treats his employees like shit and gets terrorized by three ghosts on Christmas Eve. Force him to redistribute his wealth by dragging him through a montage of his most epic fails -- oh, hey, remember when your fiancé left you? -- and make him listen as all his employees and relatives complain about his stingy ass.

They end this slideshow by throwing this dude into his own grave. DIRECT ACTION.

Like damn, the ghosts really said, “If you hoard your resources and ignore those in need when you could directly improve/save lives with no cost to yourself, you will die ALONE and you WILL pay for your crimes in hell.” Literally watching this movie is a catharsis for anyone who is or has been poor and working class.

I’m including all versions of this movie but a special shout out to the Muppet version because it fucks the hardest.

100/10

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

Listen I’m not even in realms of joking with this one. This movie is THE anti-capitalist film of the holiday season.

WhoVille commercializing Christmas and a fixation on consumer culture to the point where anything and anyONE who cannot be commodified -- aka the GRINCH -- is alienated? The Whos rediscovering that people should be cherished over material items once it all is stolen and they must confront how empty the holiday has become??

Cindy Lou becoming disillusioned in Christmas -- at an age that coincides when many children (those who celebrate Christmas at least) lost belief in Santa and had to wrestle with what the holiday means with the magic gone and they’re more aware of the rampant consumerism that taints the season?? Her resolve to find a meaning that goes beyond material consumption because if a holiday founded on goodwill doesn’t extend that goodwill to everyone, even those society deems undesirable, then what’s the point???

The Grinch despising Christmas because he is unable to participate and isolated from the Whos and also the better qualities within himself? His alienation serving to demonize him further as it allows the public to narrow his valid criticisms of the holiday down to him being different and thus inherently predisposed to evil?? And hmm isn’t it interesting that a LOT of this demonization comes via Mayor Augustus “generously paid for by the tax-payers of Whoville” Maywho, Mr. 1% himself.

The upper vs working class divide evident in the light show competition between Martha May and Betty Lou Who?? The opening scene of the shopping frenzy that mirrors our own consumerist culture and overworking of retail/poster workers??? This entire monologue:

“That's what it's all about, isn't it? That's what it's always been about. Gifts, gifts... gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts! You wanna know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me. In your garbage. You see what I'm saying? In your garbage. I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump. And the avarice... the avarice never ends! ‘I want golf clubs. I want diamonds. I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored and sell it to make glue.’"

MARXIST KING. MENTION IT ALL.

1000/10

#christmas #christmas movies #how the grinch stole christmas #a christmas carol #elf #klaus #rudolph the red nosed reindeer #home alone #it's a wonderful life #the santa clause #this was a labor of love please clap

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transgenderteensurvivalguide · 3 years

Link

“Elliot Page doesn’t remember exactly how long he had been asking.

But he does remember the acute feeling of triumph when, around age 9, he was finally allowed to cut his hair short. “I felt like a boy,” Page says. “I wanted to be a boy. I would ask my mom if I could be someday.” Growing up in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Page visualized himself as a boy in imaginary games, freed from the discomfort of how other people saw him: as a girl. After the haircut, strangers finally started perceiving him the way he saw himself, and it felt both right and exciting.

The joy was short-lived. Months later, Page got his first break, landing a part as a daughter in a Canadian mining family in the TV movie Pit Pony. He wore a wig for the film, and when Pit Pony became a TV show, he grew his hair out again. “I became a professional actor at the age of 10,” Page says. And pursuing that passion came with a difficult compromise. “Of course I had to look a certain way.”

We are speaking in late February. It is the first interview Page, 34, has given since disclosing in December that he is transgender, in a heartfelt letter posted to Instagram, and he is crying before I have even uttered a question. “Sorry, I’m going to be emotional, but that’s cool, right?” he says, smiling through his tears.

It’s hard for him to talk about the days that led up to that disclosure. When I ask how he was feeling, he looks away, his neck exposed by a new short haircut. After a pause, he presses his hand to his heart and closes his eyes. “This feeling of true excitement and deep gratitude to have made it to this point in my life,” he says, “mixed with a lot of fear and anxiety.”

It’s not hard to understand why a trans person would be dealing with conflicting feelings in this moment. Increased social acceptance has led to more young people describing themselves as trans—1.8% of Gen Z compared with 0.2% of boomers, according to a recent Gallup poll—yet this has fueled conservatives who are stoking fears about a “transgender craze.” President Joe Biden has restored the right of transgender military members to serve openly, and in Hollywood, trans people have never had more meaningful time onscreen. Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling is leveraging her cultural capital to oppose transgender equality in the name of feminism, and lawmakers are arguing in the halls of Congress over the validity of gender identities. “Sex has become a political football in the culture wars,” says Chase Strangio, deputy director for transgender justice at the ACLU.

(Full article with photos continued under the “read more”)

And so Page—who charmed America as a precocious pregnant teenager in Juno, constructed dreamscapes in Inception and now stars in Netflix’s hit superhero show The Umbrella Academy, the third season of which he’s filming in Toronto—expected that his news would be met with both applause and vitriol. “What I was anticipating was a lot of support and love and a massive amount of hatred and transphobia,” says Page. “That’s essentially what happened.” What he did not anticipate was just how big this story would be. Page’s announcement, which made him one of the most famous out trans people in the world, started trending on Twitter in more than 20 countries. He gained more than 400,000 new followers on Instagram on that day alone. Thousands of articles were published. Likes and shares reached the millions. Right-wing podcasters readied their rhetoric about “women in men’s locker rooms.” Casting directors reached out to Page’s manager saying it would be an honor to cast Page in their next big movie.

So, it was a lot. Over the course of two conversations, Page will say that understanding himself in all the specifics remains a work in progress. Fathoming one’s gender, an identity innate and performed, personal and social, fixed and evolving, is complicated enough without being under a spotlight that never seems to turn off. But having arrived at a critical juncture, Page feels a deep sense of responsibility to share his truth. “Extremely influential people are spreading these myths and damaging rhetoric—every day you’re seeing our existence debated,” Page says. “Transgender people are so very real.”

That role in Pit Pony led to other productions and eventually, when Page was 16, to a film called Mouth to Mouth. Playing a young anarchist, Page had a chance to cut his hair again. This time, he shaved it off completely. The kids at his high school teased him, but in photos he has posted from that time on social media he looks at ease. Page’s head was still shaved when he mailed in an audition tape for the 2005 thriller Hard Candy. The people in charge of casting asked him to audition again in a wig. Soon, the hair was back.

Page’s tour de force performance in Hard Candy led, two years later, to Juno, a low-budget indie film that brought Page Oscar, BAFTA and Golden Globe nominations and sudden megafame. The actor, then 21, struggled with the stresses of that ascension. The endless primping, red carpets and magazine spreads were all agonizing reminders of the disconnect between how the world saw Page and who he knew himself to be. “I just never recognized myself,” Page says. “For a long time I could not even look at a photo of myself.” It was difficult to watch the movies too, especially ones in which he played more feminine roles.

Page loved making movies, but he also felt alienated by Hollywood and its standards. Alia Shawkat, a close friend and co-star in 2009’s Whip It,describes all the attention from Juno as scarring. “He had a really hard time with the press and expectations,” Shawkat says. “‘Put this on! And look this way! And this is sexy!’”

By the time he appeared in blockbusters like X-Men: The Last Stand and Inception, Page was suffering from depression, anxiety and panic attacks. He didn’t know, he says, “how to explain to people that even though [I was] an actor, just putting on a T-shirt cut for a woman would make me so unwell.” Shawkat recalls Page’s struggles with clothes. “I’d be like, ‘Hey, look at all these nice outfits you’re getting,’ and he would say, ‘It’s not me. It feels like a costume,’” she says. Page tried to convince himself that he was fine, that someone who was fortunate enough to have made it shouldn’t have complaints. But he felt exhausted by the work required to “just exist,” and thought more than once about quitting acting.

In 2014, Page came out as gay, despite feeling for years that “being out was impossible” given his career. (Gender identity and sexual orientation are, of course, distinct, but one queer identity can coexist with another.) In an emotional speech at a Human Rights Campaign conference, Page talked about being part of an industry “that places crushing standards” on actors and viewers alike. “There are pervasive stereotypes about masculinity and femininity that define how we’re all supposed to act, dress and speak,” Page went on. “And they serve no one.”

The actor started wearing suits on the red carpet. He found love, marrying choreographer Emma Portner in 2018. He asserted more agency in his career, producing his own films with LGBTQ leads like Freeheld and My Days of Mercy. And he made a masculine wardrobe a condition of taking roles. Yet the daily discord was becoming unbearable. “The difference in how I felt before coming out as gay to after was massive,” says Page. “But did the discomfort in my body ever go away? No, no, no, no.”

In part, it was the isolation forced by the pandemic that brought to a head Page’s wrestling with gender. (Page and Portner separated last summer, and the two divorced in early 2021. “We’ve remained close friends,” Page says.) “I had a lot of time on my own to really focus on things that I think, in so many ways, unconsciously, I was avoiding,” he says. He was inspired by trailblazing trans icons like Janet Mock and Laverne Cox, who found success in Hollywood while living authentically. Trans writers helped him understand his feelings; Page saw himself reflected in P. Carl’s memoir Becoming a Man. Eventually “shame and discomfort” gave way to revelation. “I was finally able to embrace being transgender,” Page says, “and letting myself fully become who I am.”

This led to a series of decisions. One was asking the world to call him by a different name, Elliot, which he says he’s always liked. Page has a tattoo that says E.P. PHONE HOME, a reference to a movie about a young boy with that name. “I loved E.T. when I was a kid and always wanted to look like the boys in the movies, right?” he says. The other decision was to use different pronouns—for the record, both he/him and they/them are fine. (When I ask if he has a preference on pronouns for the purposes of this story, Page says, “He/him is great.”)

A day before we first speak, Page will talk to his mom about this interview and she will tell him, “I’m just so proud of my son.” He grows emotional relating this and tries to explain that his mom, the daughter of a minister, who was born in the 1950s, was always trying to do what she thought was best for her child, even if that meant encouraging young Page to act like a girl. “She wants me to be who I am and supports me fully,” Page says. “It is a testament to how people really change.”

Another decision was to get top surgery. Page volunteers this information early in our conversation; at the time he posted his disclosure on Instagram, he was recovering in Toronto. Like many trans people, Page emphasizes being trans isn’t all about surgery. For some people, it’s unnecessary. For others, it’s unaffordable. For the wider world, the media’s focus on it has sensationalized transgender bodies, inviting invasive and inappropriate questions. But Page describes surgery as something that, for him, has made it possible to finally recognize himself when he looks in the mirror, providing catharsis he’s been waiting for since the “total hell” of puberty. “It has completely transformed my life,” he says. So much of his energy was spent on being uncomfortable in his body, he says. Now he has that energy back.

For the transgender community at large, visibility does not automatically lead to acceptance. Around the globe, transgender people deal disproportionately with violence and discrimination. Anti-trans hate crimes are on the rise in the U.K. along with increasingly transphobic rhetoric in newspapers and tabloids. In the U.S., in addition to the perennial challenges trans people face with issues like poverty and homelessness, a flurry of bills in state legislatures would make it a crime to provide transition-related medical care to trans youth. And crass old jokes are still in circulation. When Biden lifted the ban on open service for transgender troops, Saturday Night Live’s Michael Che did a bit on Weekend Update about the policy being called “don’t ask, don’t tuck.”

Page says coming out as trans was “selfish” on one level: “It’s for me. I want to live and be who I am.” But he also felt a moral imperative to do so, given the times. Human identity is complicated and mysterious, but politics insists on fitting everything into boxes. In today’s culture wars, simplistic beliefs about gender—e.g., chromosomes = destiny—are so widespread and so deep-seated that many people who hold those beliefs don’t feel compelled to consider whether they might be incomplete or prejudiced. On Feb. 24, after a passionate debate on legislation that would ban discrimination against LGBTQ people, Representative Marie Newman, an Illinois Democrat, proudly displayed the pride flag in support of her daughter, who is trans. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, a Georgia Republican, responded by hanging a poster outside her office that read: There are TWO genders: MALE & FEMALE.

The next day Dr. Rachel Levine, who stands to become the first openly transgender federal official confirmed by the Senate, endured a tirade from Senator Rand Paul about “genital mutilation” during her confirmation hearing. My second conversation with Page happens shortly after this. He brings it up almost immediately, and seems both heartbroken and determined. He wants to emphasize that top surgery, for him, was “not only life-changing but lifesaving.” He implores people to educate themselves about trans lives, to learn how crucial medical care can be, to understand that lack of access to it is one of the many reasons that an estimated 41% of transgender people have attempted suicide, according to one survey.

Page has been in the political trenches for a while, having leaned into progressive activism after coming out as queer in 2014. For two seasons, he and best friend Ian Daniel filmed Gaycation, a Viceland series that explored LGBTQ culture around the world and, at one point, showed Page grilling Senator Ted Cruz at the Iowa State Fair about discrimination against queer people. In 2019, Page made a documentary called There’s Something in the Water, which explores environmental hardships experienced by communities of color in Nova Scotia, with $350,000 of his own money. That activism extends to his own industry: in 2017, he published a Facebook post that, among other things, accused director Brett Ratner of forcibly outing him as gay on the set of an X-Men movie. (A representative for Ratner did not respond to a request for comment.)

As a trans person who is white, wealthy and famous, Page has a unique kind of privilege, and with it an opportunity to advocate for those with less. According to the U.S. Trans Survey, a large-scale report from 2015, transgender people of color are more likely to experience unemployment, harassment by police and refusals of medical care. Nearly half of all Black respondents reported being denied equal treatment, verbally harassed and/or physically attacked in the past year. Trans people as a group fare much worse on such stats than the general population. “My privilege has allowed me to have resources to get through and to be where I am today,” Page says, “and of course I want to use that privilege and platform to help in the ways I can.”

Since his disclosure, Page has been mostly quiet on social media. One exception has been to tweet on behalf of the ACLU, which is in the midst of fighting anti-trans bills and laws around the country, including those that ban transgender girls and women from participating in sports. Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves says he will sign such a bill in the name of “protect[ing] young girls.” Page played competitive soccer and vividly recalls the agony of being told he would have to play on the girls’ team once he aged out of mixed-gender squads. After an appeal, Page was allowed to play with the boys for an additional year. Today, several bills list genitalia as a requirement for deciding who plays on which team. “I would have been in that position as a kid,” Page says. “It’s horrific.”

All this advocacy is unlikely to make life easier. “You can’t enter into certain spaces as a public trans person,” says the ACLU’s Strangio, “without being prepared to spend some percentage of your life being threatened and harassed.” Yet, while he seems overwhelmed at times, Page is also eager. Many of the political attacks on trans people—whether it is a mandate that bathroom use be determined by birth sex, a blanket ban on medical interventions for trans kids or the suggestion that trans men are simply wayward women beguiled by male privilege—carry the same subtext: that trans people are mistaken about who they are. “We know who we are,” Page says. “People cling to these firm ideas [about gender] because it makes people feel safe. But if we could just celebrate all the wonderful complexities of people, the world would be such a better place.”

Even if Page weren’t vocal, his public presence would communicate something powerful. That is in part because of what Paisley Currah, a professor of political science at Brooklyn College, calls “visibility gaps.” Historically, trans women have been more visible, in culture and in Hollywood, than trans men. There are many explanations: Our culture is obsessed with femininity. Men’s bodies are less policed and scrutinized. Patriarchal people tend to get more emotional about who is considered to be in the same category as their daughters. “And a lot of trans men don’t stand out as trans,” says Currah, who is a trans man himself. “I think we’ve taken up less of the public’s attention because masculinity is sort of the norm.”

During our interviews, Page will repeatedly refer to himself as a “transgender guy.” He also calls himself nonbinary and queer, but for him, transmasculinity is at the center of the conversation right now. “It’s a complicated journey,” he says, “and an ongoing process.”

While the visibility gap means that trans men have been spared some of the hate endured by trans women, it has also meant that people like Page have had fewer models. “There were no examples,” Page says of growing up in Halifax in the 1990s. There are many queer people who have felt “that how they feel deep inside isn’t a real thing because they never saw it reflected back to them,” says Tiq Milan, an activist, author and transgender man. Page offers a reflection: “They can see that and say, ‘You know what, that’s who I am too,’” Milan says. When there aren’t examples, he says, “people make monsters of us.”

For decades, that was something Hollywood did. As detailed in the 2020 Netflix documentary Disclosure, transgender people have been portrayed onscreen as villainous and deceitful, tragic subplots or the butt of jokes. In a sign of just how far the industry has come—spurred on by productions like Pose and trailblazers like Mock—Netflix offered to change the credits on The Umbrella Academy the same day that its star posted his statement on social media. Now when an episode ends, the first words viewers see are “Elliot Page.”

Today, there are many out trans and nonbinary actors, directors and producers. Storylines involving trans people are more common, more respectful. Sometimes that aspect of identity is even incidental, rather than the crux of a morality tale. And yet Hollywood can still seem a frightening place for LGBTQ people to come out. “It’s an industry that says, ‘Don’t do that,’” says director Silas Howard, who got his break on Amazon’s show Transparent, which made efforts to hire transgender crew members. “I wouldn’t have been hired if they didn’t have a trans initiative,” Howard says. “I’m always aware of that.”

So what will it mean for Page’s career? While Page has appeared in many projects, he also faced challenges landing female leads because he didn’t fit Hollywood’s narrow mold. Since Page’s Instagram post, his team is seeing more activity than they have in years. Many of the offers coming in—to direct, to produce, to act—are trans-related, but there are also some “dude roles.”

Downtime in quarantine helped Page accept his gender identity. “I was finally able to embrace being transgender,” he says.

Page was attracted to the role of Vanya in The Umbrella Academy because—in the first season, released in 2019—Vanya is crushed by self-loathing, believing herself to be the only ordinary sibling in an extraordinary family. The character can barely summon the courage to move through the world. “I related to how much Vanya was closed off,” Page says. Now on set filming the third season, co-workers have seen a change in the actor. “It seems like there’s a tremendous weight off his shoulders, a feeling of comfort,” says showrunner Steve Blackman. “There’s a lightness, a lot more smiling.” For Page, returning to set has been validating, if awkward at times. Yes, people accidentally use the wrong pronouns—“It’s going to be an adjustment,” Page says—but co-workers also see and acknowledge him.

The debate over whether cisgender people, who have repeatedly collected awards for playing trans characters, should continue to do so has largely been settled. However, trans actors have rarely been considered for cisgender parts. Whatever challenges might lie ahead, Page seems exuberant about playing a new spectrum of roles. “I’m really excited to act, now that I’m fully who I am, in this body,” Page says. “No matter the challenges and difficult moments of this, nothing amounts to getting to feel how I feel now.”

This includes having short hair again. During our interview, Page keeps rearranging strands on his forehead. It took a long time for him to return to the barber’s chair and ask to cut it short, but he got there. And how did that haircut feel?

Page tears up again, then smiles. “I just could not have enjoyed it more,” he says.”

#suicide m #transphobia m #Elliot Page #transgender #representation #celebrities #actors #tv #movies #rep #trans #transmasculine #nonbinary #queer #long post

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imagine-straykids · 3 years

Text

Stray Kids SS: Argument PT. 1

SS for short scenarios. Stray Kids arguing with their significant others

requested? No. I just write whenever I feel like it.

genre: fluff, angst, romance, etc etc.

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Bang Chan

You’re no bragger but you think you’re pretty reasonable most of the times. You understand your boyfriend is a busy person and his work came first and foremost. You’ve tried not to take it personally and he has made it pretty clear before you guys even got into this relationship that he wouldn’t be the best person with time management.

Of course you took a gamble and compromised to form this bond with the one and only Christopher Bang. You had always put his feelings first whether that’s him choosing his friends, work, or music over you, you were definitely okay with that as long as he came back to you at the end of the day. Even the smallest texts nearing the end of the night like “Goodnight sweetie, hope you had a good day!” was enough for you. You weren’t asking for much. You don’t know how much lower you can set your standards because slowly and progressively, Chan was already failing to meet them.

The most you guys have ever been apart was maybe two weeks and even then, Chan had always made sure to check on you through texts or phone calls. So when it was nearing a month, and he has rejected your invitation to do something for the second time in a month, you were left to feel less than pleasant whether you had set yourself up for failure or perhaps did you deserve more than what you had settled for.

You couldn’t help but to be upset to some degree and even then you still doubted if your feelings were valid. You even felt guilty since you had promised him a long time ago you would be understanding. Were you wrong for just wanting a little bit of your boyfriend’s attention?

So when Felix brought you his breakfast treats like he would every Sunday because the boy loves baking, he could tell in your eyes that your world was seeing more than blue. You weren’t your usual self who was always welcoming and greeted him with warmth. The tone in your voice and your body language imitated that of a walking dead and although you tried your hardest to put on a great appearance, Felix could see right through you.

When he had asked you if you were alright, a sea of tears just came bursting through. Like a puddle that you had held inside for weeks finally being freed. You told Felix everything and everything. It was nice to have someone to talk to, for once in a long time. Felix had always been very understanding of you and was very much like a brother. He reassured you and you felt so much better after, that when he left, you even thought you might finally be able to get a good nap after some words of comforts.

Your nap was shortly disrupted when a series of loud knocks were ringing through your door. It took you a few seconds to process everything because your brain was still trying to wake up along with you. Then a beep from your phone was heard. You turned to the left side where you had placed your phone and noticed long notifications of texts and missed calls from Chan. Oh lord. Well of course who could that be at the door then.

Felix had only told Chan out of good intention, and honestly you weren’t even surprised. Not one thing said to one of those boys will stay in its origin. You crankily tossed your blanket aside and walked up to the door as you took a deep breath. You opened the door and it was just the one person you were expecting.

Chan looked totally out of breath, as if he had been beaten by a stick over and over again, you can see the sweats tracing along the line of his forehead down to his cheeks and his hair has gotten messier than usual.

“Chan--” You were cut when Chan just shoved himself inside your apartment.

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” He looked at you dead in the eyes as he shut the front door.

“Tell you what?” You weren’t acting naive but you just wanted to know what exactly Felix had told him.

“What you told Felix. Why didn’t you tell me that? That you wanted to hang out with me, that you’ve been feeling sad and lonely?”

“I did. I asked you twice if you wanted to go out or do something. You said no both times.” You defended yourself.

“Why didn’t you say anything when you were not feeling good then?” A worrisome look overshadowed his angrier look earlier.

“Pfft,” you scoffed. You couldn’t believe what he was saying. “Really Chan? Do I need to feel less than okay, do I need to question if my boyfriend even wants to be with me, for you to actually worry now?” you challenged him full on.

“What do you mean.” Chan wasn’t gullible, but sometimes when he gets too caught up on one thing, he misses another.

“Why should it be my responsibility that you act like a reasonable boyfriend who cares about his girlfriend’s needs. I shouldn’t need to tell you when you should be doing your parts. You were on the line of almost ignoring me for a whole month, doing whatever you’re doing without caring for my well being, and the two times I ask to do something, I get pushed aside. And you’re here telling me I’m not trying harder?”

“I already told you from the beginning, y/n, that I am not the best person to be in a relationship with. I lose track of times, get lost in my own thoughts. I apologize if I made you feel like I didn’t care about you. I do. Sometimes I just need time to myself, you know. And I try to do it without hurting your feelings but it’s hard. Because I care about you too.”

“I know that you’ve warned me from the beginning. And I’m a fool. I can’t do it anymore, Chan. I’m not the girlfriend you want me to be. I thought I could do it because I love you so much... but it hurts to be away from you. I can’t do it, Chan. Sometimes I just miss you, and want to be with you, but I’m afraid I’m going to bother you because you’ve already set your boundaries. I’m sorry.” you started sobbing even thought you told yourself you weren’t going to cry.

Chan quickly pulled you into a hug as you ugly sob into his chest.

“It’s going to be okay, y/n. We can get through this together. If you still love me, we can talk it through. You still love me, right?” he angled your frowning face up to his.

“Of course,” you answer like music to his ear.

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Lee Know

Before you ever accepted Minho’s confession, you’ve been told by nearly everyone around him that he would be a handful. And oh Jesus, you wish they had warned you better, because he wasn’t just a handful. Minho was a pain in the ass if he didn’t try. Even before you got together with him, he found pleasure in teasing and making fun of you whenever he got the chance to.

But besides the assholery moves Minho liked to pull, when he was just with you, he showed sides of himself that only you got to experience. That’s pretty much your answer whenever somebody ask you how did you guys even got into a relationship considering y’all were pretty much like fire and water. The person who everyone else found to be a living nightmare because you just don’t mess with him since he has such a way with his words, you’ll find yourself questioning your intelligence.

Minho can either be the best person you’ll ever meet in your lifetime or as so he likes to claim, or he can be the person that makes your feet turn the other way whenever you hear his name. So you knew this weren’t going to turn out pretty when Minho was forced to be in a team with Hyunjin for game night and Hyunjin was losing every single point possible.

At first, him and the rest tried to play it off light heartedly, but you can feel the room growing sour each time Hyunjin missed the hints and was unable to score a point for this game of Charades that was suggested by the super innovative Chan, who decided that Hyunjin and Minho in the same team was evolution.

The others were having a blast poking fun at Hyunjin and Minho whose points were definitely not looking very nice until Minho out of a sudden, slapped the pile of papers onto the ground and said he’s had it.

“I don’t want to be in a team with him! He sucks!” Minho pointed fingers at Hyunjin who obviously took it personal by the look of his face.

The room silenced and everybody just stared until Chan spoke up, “Come on, just this once. You guys are never on the same team because you always want to change.”

“Yeah, because he sucks, can’t you see. Even a 5 year old kid would be able to score more points than him. We’re not even losing by a little. We’re unredeemable at this point,” Minho spit out without missing a single beat.

Everybody was growing uncomfortable, especially Hyunjin who had done his best to stay positive the whole time.

“Minho! Can you not. That’s incredibly rude. It’s just a game. Losing one night won’t kill you. How childish can you be.” You stared at your own boyfriend in disgust.

“Really now, you’re going to argue with me against this?” It was like he really couldn’t believe you were not on his side.

“So what if I am. You’re acting ridiculous and you deserve to know it.”

“Guys! Please stop. Don’t argue because of me please. He’s right. I wasn’t very good. Don’t be angry at him because of me, y/n. I’ll be fine. I’m going to go outside to get some fresh air, I’ll feel better once I come back.” Hyunjin excused himself and left.

You could only roll your eyes when Minho, being his stubborn self was refusing to go after Hyunjin and continued to stay in the same spot.

“How selfish can one be.” You criticized him before you followed after Hyunjin.

You had hoped Hyunjin didn’t think too much of it, knowing how Minho usually is. Being the sweetheart he is, he thanked you and told you not to worry. When you went back inside, the others notified you that Minho had already left and honestly, you could care less. He was being a d*ck and this time, you weren’t going to cave in. Only time would help kill that inflated ego of his.

About a week has passed and you still haven’t talked to Minho and vice versa. You knew that his diva ass would never give in, so you didn’t quite know why you were silently battling him when you’re pretty sure if you wanted to fix this, you’ll have to do it yourself. But you didn’t want to.

You’ve had enough of Minho always getting what he wants, always having the last say in anything, and thinking that you’ll always bend backward for him. It’s kind of funny because Hyunjin had actually told you that Minho already apologized, so why are you guys still fighting? Pride. Now it’s just a fight of pride. And as much as Minho has it, you have a lot of it as well.

It was the weekend, and usually you’ll spend your weekend with Minho doing whatever you guys usually do but since he wasn’t here anymore, you decided to just spend your day relaxing with a nice cup of tea watching Netflix. It was your day off work and you weren’t going to let this day go to waste.

You gently set your tea down on the little table to your right, about to lay against the couch when the corner of your eyes caught your screen lit up with a text message. You sat back up and struggled for about a couple seconds trying to reach your phone that you had placed a little too far.

It was from Minho. You couldn’t believe it. Reading what he sent you just made it even more amusing.

Stupid, are you going to apologize or not - Minho Lee

Why should I apologize. What the hell? I didn’t do shit - Y/n

Okay well I already said sorry to Hyunjin so I don’t know why you so pressed for. I didn’t do nun to you. I mean I know you kind of had a thing for him and all before we met but don’t take it out on me - Minho Lee

This little shit, you thought.

Bruh. I never liked him tf. I just think he’s very pretty. Prettier than me. And unlike someone, he actually has half a brain and some human decency - Y/n

Okay we get it, you have a crush on Hyunjin - Minho Lee

No, dumbass. The problem is you always going around saying, doing whatever you like without considering other people’s feelings. I know that’s your personality and all, but there’s a limit between what’s okay and what’s crossing the line, and whenever I try to tell you, you never listen. Always doing whatever you want. Hyunjin is one of your best friend and you hurt his feelings the other day and didn’t even feel bad about it until someone got in your face and told you you were being a d*ck. I love you, Minho. But I just wish you would listen sometimes and be open to I don’t know... improvements? - Y/n

I’m sorry, I’ve just grew up this way so it’s hard to get out of a pattern. Sometimes I say things I don’t mean and sometimes I say things I do mean and then I don’t realize that my actions has caused harm to the other person, because I’ve just always been this way you know. Others have tried telling me before but I've always brushed it off because I am a stubborn person. But I care about you. You’re one of the very first person other than the members that I deeply care about. So if you’re telling me this out of love then I’ll take it into consideration. I know I should’ve been nicer to Hyunjin as well. Chan yelled at me for a while the other day, so please don’t yell at me too :( - Minho Lee

Of course I care about you. Everything I do is out of love, dear. You’re one hell of a nuisance but I love you. I know you grew up this way and it is difficult getting out of a pattern, but take little steps. I’ll be here with you. and yeah, you totally deserved that from Chan. Jk I love you - Y/n

You’re mean :( can I come over. We were supposed to go shopping today - Minho Lee

Mhmmm. Let me think about it - Y/n

Well you have 2 seconds, because I’m already outside your door - Minho Lee

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Changbin

Changbin liked to brag about anything and everything, whether that’s how many confessions he got on Valentines, to how many people who wanted to be his partner when it came to a science project, or even the amount of girls that would hit on him daily.

You never really minded because that was just how he is. And of course, mainly because you knew all those scenarios only existed in his head and was as real as flying fairies and pink unicorns. So when someone was actually blatantly hitting on him, Changbin wasn’t as knowledgeable as his bluffs claimed to be.

Changbin was one of the best from his music class, so good that the professor made him the teacher’s assistant even when the semester was on going. He usually talk tales of how many students usually needs his help when it came to writing lyrics or composing as a beginner. Interesting enough, but nothing major as he’d like to phrase it.

Then every time when you guys would usually meet at the end of classes to which you usually ask how his day went, he started talking about this girl who he’s currently assisting. At first it was nothing out of the ordinary. Just a student from his class who he’s helping because that’s his job. Even the first two or three days of his on-going blabbering about this student didn’t kick something in you until maybe the fourth time this week where this girl is always managing to squeeze herself into his schedule everyday. It shouldn’t have bothered you, but for some reason it did.

Especially when he’d say alarming things like “Oh yeah and she also asked me if I wanted to get a drink after class but I told her I have plans.” or “She compliments me a lot and told me if I have time, she’d love to listen to my work.”

Maybe you’re overreacting and she’s just a really engaging and kind person. You felt bad at first for assuming such a thing about another human being, so you gave her the benefit of the doubt because you didn’t know your dumbass boyfriend would be this oblivious when someone is clearly trying to get inside his pant.

So when you happened to walk past the school garden the following week and saw the both of them from your very clear sight, you were a little more than dumbfounded. This girl was not even trying to hide it at all. You didn’t know how Changbin was keeping his eyes to himself at this point. The outfit she was wearing was definitely very sexy and appealing. Changbin was still faced down, scribbling something on the music sheet trying to get the female to engage but she clearly had something else in mind.

You could’ve sworn you saw her hand trailed alongside Changbin’s thigh and so you accidentally let out a shriek, but quickly hid behind the thick white pillar, grumpily dragging yourself back to class in anger after.

After your final class of the day, Changbin waited for you at the bench near the entrance where you guys had always met up. He beamed with ecstasy once he saw you, but you quickly brushed past him and continued walking completely shunning his existence. His smile progressed into a frown once he realized that you were not in your usual mood.

He ran in front of you and blocked any further movements.

“Y/n, are you okay?” He asked with a concerning expression.

You didn’t say anything and only continued scowling.

“Come on. You know you can tell me anything,” He encouraged.

You of course, continued to be silent for a few more seconds because you honestly couldn’t get anything out due to how enraged you were feeling on the inside.

“You liar!” you slapped his chest with literally no strength at all as your tears escaped at the same time.

“Wait hold up, what did I lie about?” He was in complete confusion.

“I saw it, Changbin. You and her at the garden. How could you let her make a move on you like that.”

His face showed that it wasn’t really clicking with him until he thought more about it.

“Who did I let make a move on me? Minji? I was only helping her, Y/n. Please don’t misunderstand. The class was getting really loud and we needed a quieter place, so I asked the instructor if it would be fine if me and her went somewhere else.”

“So you just let her be all up on you like that? She was clearly hitting on you, Changbin. How do you not see it?” School was no place to be emotional, but here you were, bawling like a little baby at the entrance of the school as Changbin tries to comfort you. You guys definitely weren’t getting weird stares. Nope.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t know you thought of it like that. Cause I didn’t. I just thought of her as another student that needed help. I’m sorry Y/n, if I made you uncomfortable. I didn’t do it on purpose I swear, because in my mind, there’s no one else but you. I know I like to boast all the time but I only do it as a joke because you seem to like it. I would never in a million year think of hurting your feelings. Hundreds of other girls could give me attention or like me, but none of them matters if they’re not you. I only love you, Y/n.”

His words made you immediately stopped sobbing as if your broken heart has been patched up.

“R-really? You mean it?” You pout.

“Of course, silly. I would never think about being with someone else but you. Never.” He leveled your face with his.

“I’m sorry I didn’t trust you. Just seeing another girl being intimate with you kind of tugged something in me.” you awkwardly chuckled.

“Aww. My baby was jealous. Not going to lie, you’re kind of cute when you’re upset,” He teased you.

“Changbin!” you slapped his shoulder in retaliation.

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Hyunjin

Between the both of you guys, Hyunjin had always been the one who had the upper hand in almost everything when it came to catching others attention. Anything ranging from looks, to talent, or even intelligence, you can admit he’s got it better than you do.

Going out to public places, you quickly got used to getting stares from other girls or even old Aunties who would comment on how good looking your boyfriend was, and how lucky you were to have him. They weren’t wrong, you were of course very lucky to have someone like Hyunjin who was definitely way too good for you. You didn’t take it to heart very much that other girls have eyes for him the way you do, because he’s made it distinctly known that he only saw you. Jealousy in the relationship was a bigger problem for you than for him at the beginning, because compared to him, you were not as sought after.

The whole duration of your guys relationship, he never had to deal with any actual threat or competition that he could possibly lose you, or that you would find someone else more intriguing than him because he was always accustomed to you having your whole attention toward him whenever he was in the room. So that was why when the opportunity finally present itself, he found himself developing a sort of ill feeling that he wasn’t familiar with. A feeling that left a bitter taste in his mouth, one that turned his vision red when he wasn’t a violent person in the first place.

You had been talking about this friend all week, reminiscing the past to Hyunjin about all the crazy things you and this friend did back in the days. Hyunjin being the amazing boyfriend he usually is, was very supportive of course. You haven’t seen this friend in years ever since his family moved away to another city.

He called you a few days ago to let you know he’ll be back in Seoul, visiting for a few days and wanted to catch up. How could you let this chance pass by. The person that was there for you when you had your darker days, the person that ran miles through the rain when you needed him, there’s no way you would say no.

Hyunjin was more than happy to accompany you to the Mall although you did assure him he didn’t have to, as you didn’t want to bother him if he had plans, but he was persistent he wanted to meet your friend and get to know one another. Since he agreed to everything, you thought might as well introduce them to each other.

But Hyunjin’s cheerful and optimistic aura rapidly changed into a stinging one when your friend ran up to you with a hug, and oh boy did your friend looked nothing like Hyunjin had drew in his head. In his head, he was a she. The person that was arms deep within your hug didn’t have long flowing hair, nor did he looked very feminine like he had pictured. He was growing some kind of hatred for this stranger that he barely even knew, and it was only solidified more when you would get so engaged in conversation with your friend, you would forget for a moment Hyunjin was even there.

The way you laughed at his jokes mirrored how you would exactly react to Hyunjin’s whenever he said something funny. He hated how your friend would sometimes pull you so close to him and you would just go along with it. Hyunjin literally felt invisible. This friend of yours managed to shrink you and Hyunjin’s year long relationship into what felt like you both only knew each other for weeks. Hyunjin could tell just by his body languages and actions that this friend knew you for years. And then he just felt like nothing. Hyunjin was nothing compared to this friend of yours, and he was mad at himself, mad at you, mad at him, mad at everything.

He was so tangled up in his own train of thoughts that he hadn’t even realized you have been trying to call him.

“Hyunjin!” you pinched his arm not too hard.

“Oh I’m sorry, what.”

“Do you want ice cream?” You asked him.

“I’m good no thank you,” He answered completely uninterested.

“But you love ice cream, Hyunjin. Are you sure?” you tried to get a confirmation just one last time.

“Yes, I am sure.” He rolled his eyes as if he’s being pestered by an annoying bug. It wasn’t what he said but it was the way he said it. He was giving you attitude and you didn’t like it at all.

“Okay geez, just a no would’ve done.” you frowned.

Hyunjin has his days, but he’s usually self composed when it came to your friends. He had always been nice and pretty kind if someone was close to you since you were his girlfriend, but he was different today. He was hushed and soundless, not at all like the Hyunjin you knew.

“What flavor would you like, Y/n?” Sanghyun, your friend asked.

“Mhmm. Any flavor will do.”

“I’ll get mint for the both of us then, if that’s fine with you.” Sanghyun looked for an answer in your eyes.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” You nodded.

You were not too cool with the flavor but you haven’t seen your friend in a while and it wouldn’t hurt to just take it this one time, for him. It didn’t bother you too much that he might’ve forgotten. It’s been a while.

Hyunjin was beyond confusion. For as long as he knew you, you hated mint. Absolutely refused to eat it whenever he took you out, and now all of a sudden you’re fine with it? For him?

“But I thought you hate mint. So what? You suddenly like it now because he suggested it?” Hyunjin fired, as if he was ridiculing you.

For a second you thought you forgot to clean your ears, because you refuse to acknowledge that Hyunjin was actually trying to cause a scene right now, in the mall, with your friend by your side, in front of all these people.

“What’s up with you today, Hyunjin. Giving me an attitude when I asked a simple question and now this? If you have a problem, you can tell me. No need to make a scene,” you scolded him, utterly embarrassed by your boyfriend’s action.

Sanghyun looked terrified down to his toes just glaring you guys down.

“Fine, I’ll tell you what my problem is.” And without your consent, Hyunjin somehow managed to drag you all the way to the parking lot against your protest.

“Let go, Hyunjin!” you threw his hold off of you.

“What the hell is your problem? You made me look like an absolutely fool back there. How do you think Sanghyun feels now, seeing how much of an asshat my boyfriend is acting after all those stories I told him about how you’re the most kind and caring person ever,” you raised your voice, too irritated at this point to even care if anyone heard you.

“Well, I probably wouldn’t be acting like this in the first place if you had made it clearer that your friend was a freaking guy.”

“Really, Hyunjin. Is this what it’s about? That my friend is a guy? That’s it? I’m sorry but, if you’re going to act childish and jealous because you can’t handle me being friends with the opposite gender, then that’s your problem. Not mine. Besides, we don’t even like each other like that. He was one of my only friend back when I had nobody. He was there for me when no one else was. I don’t see anything else in him but the same guy back then who was like a best friend to me.”

You had hope you knocked some sense into him. Your tone turning from furious to more serious.

“I don’t care if he was your friend from back then or whatever. You have me now. I don’t like the way he looks at you, or act around you. I never act like that around any other females.”

You were this close. This close to just straight punching him and running him over with his own car. The person you were talking to right now and yesterday was the difference between day and night. You think that might’ve been the shittiest thing Hyunjin has ever said since you’ve known him and you were denying it yourself that it came out of his mouth.

“Oh go cry me a river, Hyunjin! When I was telling you the details of my past friendship before you even knew the gender, you were rooting for me, but now that you know it’s a guy you’re all of a sudden acting like a little bitch? Why does it matter whether it’s a guy or a girl?” You questioned his integrity, but most of all, you were just in disbelief.

“Fine, whatever. Suit yourself.” He sarcastically threw his hands up in the air in defeat and drove away without final words from you. Unfuckingbelievable. He was like a little child throwing a tantrum because he didn’t get what he wanted.

You didn’t want to leave Sanghyun hanging, but if you were to be frank, Hyunjin totally killed all the good vibes within you and left you with no motivation or energy to do anything else. You made way back to the ice cream court and simply apologized to Sanghyun on yours and Hyunjin’s behalf. He didn’t mind too much and only wished you luck on the relationship. It was a bummer that he was leaving tomorrow already and the only day he was free to spend it with you, your man child “boyfriend” had to go and ruin it all.

When you entered the lonely atmosphere of your hollowed apartment, Hyunjin’s well being did crossed your mind because he was notorious for being quite stupid, always acting on his feelings whenever he was upset. You never had to worry too much before though because it was only on rare occasions where his head would be so far up his ass, but you knew this time was one of those occasion. But you were mad at him as well. Never in a million years could you picture him ever saying those nasty things.

You settled down on the couch and eventually put your mind and body to rest. Today’s been a long day and you needed that nap more than anything. You had called Jeongin and Chan to notify them of what happened and to keep an eye out for Hyunjin in case, before closing your eyes and seeing black.

When you were finally conscious enough, the only thing that made its existence clear, was the sound of traffic outside your window. You may have overslept just a tiny bit. Rubbing your eyes to get a better view of your surroundings, you felt a weight on you as you struggled to get up. Turning towards your left, you found Hyunjin completely knocked out and slouched against you with his head on your shoulder and his arms around your waist. Right, Hyunjin had a spare key to your apartment.

He looked like an absolute angel that fell from heaven, almost as great as the day he conquered your heart. He was adorable and quite resembles a puppy when he’s not spurting all those hateful words. You needed to use the restroom bad so you made an effort to untangle him off of you but just as you were about to get up, a strong force wrapped you back down.

“Ahhh! I thought you were asleep.” you faced him with bulging eyes.

“I was.” He calmly replied, his arms still around you.

“Bummer. I like it when you’re peaceful and not so angry. You are cuter that way,” you purposely jabbed.

“I’m sorry. I really am. I wasn’t thinking at the moment and just acted on emotions. I’m really sorry y/n. I was angry when I drove off but when I got home, I just kept thinking and thinking and the more I thought, the stupider I realize I was... please forgive me.” he pouted and rested his head on your shoulder.

“Oh you big baby. Don’t try to bribe me with your cuteness now. You made Sanghyun scare of you and today was his only free day to catch up,” you scolded him as you pinched his cheeks.

“I won’t ever do that again, I swear. I’ll be better next time. I was just... jealous when I saw another guy acting close to you. It makes me scare that I’m going to lose you. I know I was wrong. But I just want you to know I’m sorry.” He said it softly but also with shame.

“Oh dear. There’s nobody else I love more than you. If anything, I should be the one scared to lose you.”

“I only love you, y/n.” He looked into your eyes and did that little smile that always makes your heart weak. The one where his dimples would pop out.

“I love you too, Hyunjin. Now let me go, I need to pee.”

----------------------------------------------

SORRY I GOT CARRIED AWAY WITH HYUNJIN’S. anyways.

Part 2 for the remaining members coming soon

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boldbrash-fandertrash · 3 years

Text

Ignore me, unless I’m right in which case I fucking called it

So I was rewatching the episode for the fourth time and one I realized that Remus is much much smarter than we give him credit for and two I can generally predict how the rest of the story is gonna go.

We’re gonna have another aside video with Patton and Janus before the big season finale, and that aside is going to be one of the most important videos to the general progression of the plot.

I’m sure you’ve noticed the pattern so far, two sides who diametrically oppose each other being forced to work together on a problem they vastly disagree about, usually turning the small issue into something much messier than it ever would be and them learning something about themselves in the process.

Each pairing exists to point out to the viewer exactly what issues exist with each side that need some form of resolving, and the big unifying theme amongst them is “you’re not listening to me”. Roman and Virgil dragging Thomas across the cafeteria in favor of or agains him talking to Nico, Logan and Remus deliberately ignoring and working to undo the others work in an attempt to break Thomas out of the depressive funk he found himself in. Nobody is working together here. The only side to even remotely cooperate with the group was Virgil body checking Thomas into Nico, and it took him and Roman bullying each other and Thomas for an entire video to even get to that point.

Watching Logan and Remus interact, one, brought me immense joy and I will be chasing that high for weeks to come, and two, after an ounce of critical thinking was frankly painful to watch. Any critiques Logan offered to Remus were immediately discarded with absurdity and any critiques Remus offered to Logan were discounted as absurd.

During the obvious scene at the end with the Eyes™️, Logan claimed he wasn’t pretending Remus didn’t exist, but honestly, he kinda was.

The Dunce Cap Scene really accentuates this point. Logan pulls a holier than thou, why won’t you learn I’m always right, bullshit passive aggressive remark, Remus does his dramatic repenting student shtick, starts singing directly into Logan’s ear, and makes a kink joke. Literally the words Remus sings are “can’t fix this guy, all by yourself”. Remus is saying this inches from Logan’s personal face and even still the logical side ignores him outright, because of all the fluff around the message. Hell, in Remus’s introduction video, Logan likens him to a screaming baby on a plane, essentially saying “well eventually he’ll stop screaming so just bear with it for a while and you’ll be fine”. He’s ignoring Remus outright due to a preconceived notion and missing out on valuable information because of it.

The dunce cap scene indirectly calls back to learning new things about ourselves, where Logan is completely unreceptive to the puppet bit because of its perceived absurdity and absolutely refuses to acknowledge any potential the medium might have for learning until he physically cannot anymore.

Remus is capable of, and does often, make valid points and offers genuine critiques of shit happening in their lives. In Forbidden Fruit, almost every single line harkens back to some idea the other sides had been trying, and failing, to communicate to Thomas. “Good and bad is all made up nonsense”, “if you shared those musings with your friends i doubt they would forgive you”, “why deny yourself knowledge, say, knowledge of yourself” “people don’t like me much, Thomas, but that only just cause I’m honest”, “these sorts of things are only thought in the mind of a man who’s soul is truly rotten.”

Despite all of this, he is ignored outright because of his medium. Just like Logan is ignored due to his monotone cadence and large volume of content, just like Roman is due to his flair for the dramatic and artistic display of ideas, just like Patton is due to his playful and childlike nature, just like Janus is due to his perceived role as the Villain, just like Virgil /was/ due to his perceived role as the villain.

They all have become accustomed to being stepped on by the other sides because of who they are and how they communicate, and have in turn learned some less than ideal methods of being heard again. Logan yells and gets passive aggressive, Remus ups the fear factor for everyone around him, Roman shuts down anyone who tries to talk through bullying and raising his voice, Patton manipulates the others into feeling guilt and covers it up with a smile, Virgil whips out the tempest tongue and incites fear in Thomas, and Janus physically silences anyone in his way.

And here’s why I say the next asides episode is going to be the most important one developmentally. Patton and Janus are going to be forced to work together. Patton, who is in the midst of an identity crisis, and willing to listen to any new ideas provided they offer a valid solution to the shit he’s found himself in, and Janus, who knows a lot more than he’s willing to let on, who concerns himself exclusively with Thomas’s self preservation, and loves to talk when given the opportunity. Janus is gonna have a thing or two to say to Patton when they’re inevitably faced with their moral dilemma, and Patton is going to be in just the right mindset that he’s willing to listen. And Janus is going to end up being right, and the small issue they’re facing will be resolved, which will therefore strengthen Patton’s trust, and his openness to changing for the better.

Patton is goofy, and childish, and kinda ditzy sometimes, and because of that we as a fandom tend to overlook any of his moments that are anything but that, but we are not giving this man enough credit. When Patton sets his heart on something, he throws his whole self into it, and is willing to stand up for his beliefs in the face of extreme opposition, and would gladly do anything in his power to defend his family. Once Patton decides that he’s willing to grow, and if he believes that this growth will help put his family back together, nothing can stop him, and that will be absolutely crucial for the growth of all the other sides around him.

Whatever him and Janus discuss during their aside will absolutely give Patton the information he needs to help stitch together the rift between everyone.

I predict the next official Sanders Sides video is going to be the longest one yet, possibly over an hour long, because there’s a LOT of work that is going to need to be done, and Everyone is going to be in it. The big issue of “you’re not listening to me” won’t be resolved, but it will be acknowledged in a serious light by everyone. We won’t be getting any appearances from the Orange Side I don’t think, that would end up just complicating matters even more when each character is already incredibly shaky in their own identity.

Something less than ideal is gonna happen between Thomas and Nico, he’s gonna summon the initial three to deal with the matter but the other lads are gonna worm their way into the discussion, everyone’s gonna start screaming at each other, and Pattons gonna do something that stuns everyone else into silence (I’m guessing he’ll start crying, considering the start of season two was all about him repressing negative emotions and what better way to show character growth than to sob openly on camera).

Once everyone just fucking stops for ten seconds that’s when the apologies start. None of the sides are ever the first to apologize, we’ve seen that time and time again. Their desire to be in the right as well as their pride will always get in the way, however if someone starts the apology train everyone will eventually follow suit. We see that in Alone On Valentines Day, My Negative Thinking, Growing Up, Accepting Anxiety, Fitting In, Moving On, actually in pretty much every video where an apology actually takes place, once one person apologizes the other will immediately follow suit.

Patton is gonna be a goddamn mess, he’s gonna apologize to everyone in the room for anything he thinks he may have done to wrong them, and that’s gonna be what gets everyone to acknowledge all the shit they’ve put each other through, and the others are going to jump between trying to console him and trying to apologize to each other. They’re going to come to the unified decision that they need to work together more on future issues, the group is all going to offer up a solution and decide together on a remedy to whatever happened together between Thomas and Nico, and that will be that. Season three will be about them finding the balance between stepping on toes and being stepped over, while also working out how the orange side fits into everything.

Thus marking the end of my rant.

I started writing this at 2 and it’s now 4. I have to be up in three hours. I have an essay due at 3pm tomorrow that I haven’t started, but instead I typed up all this bullshit. I hope any of this made any sense, and I hope this is a suitable replacement for my emotions essay that’s completely untouched because chances are this is what I’m presenting to my therapist tomorrow. Wish me luck.

#sorry for no page break I’m on mobile #I’ll be fixing that in the morning after some well deserved rest #thomas sanders #sanders sides #ts sanders sides #ts spoilers #ts patton #ts Logan #ts roman #ts Virgil #ts Janus #ts Remus #ts theory

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tobesoalive · 3 years

Text

flume (Josh Kiszka x reader)

sorry about the wait! like I said I'm in the process of moving so I've been quite busy but I'm hoping to get around to my other requests in the next few days. For now though please enjoy this tooth rotting fluff about our favorite little lad!

Warnings: None

Finally, you let out a sigh of relief as you shut your laptop, having just finished writing a paper for a class you were taking over the summer. You had wanted to get a head start on your academics so you could hopefully graduate in the winter, leaving you more time to start your career and life with your amazing, sexy and talented boyfriend.

Joshua Kiszka was the love of your life, the apple of your eye, and you were absolutely obsessed with him. The feeling was mutual, never did a day pass by where Josh didn’t remind you how much you mean to him and how lucky he was to exist in the same universe as you. Yes, he could get a little sappy, but that just made you love him even more.

It was already 10pm, and Josh had been gone for a few hours now, meeting up with the rest of the band and their management team to discuss the upcoming tour over dinner. You were completely fine having a night alone, it actually gave you time to focus on your work rather than your extremely distracting other half. You had just been worried about Josh lately. On the outside he was his usual hyper and positive self, but you know that he has been worrying non-stop about the upcoming tour. It had been a little while since the guys performed live and Josh was riddled with anxiety about it. You knew it would go off without a hitch and that the fans would absolutely love it, but you understood Josh’s feelings and made sure to let him know they were valid and offer your support. To make matters worse the band, specifically Josh, had been gaining attention on social media, with a video of their performance from SNL a couple years ago going viral. There were a lot of people criticizing Josh’s performance and mannerisms, many of them saying he was probably addicted to cocaine or something. That was far from the truth though.

You remember that night, being backstage with Josh and trying to calm his nerves. Not only was he dealing with anxiety but he was also a bit under the weather. Personally you loved the performance, and thought Josh did amazing justice to the song he wrote about you. Everytime you hear “You’re the One” your heart basically beats out of your chest.

Now you just couldn’t wait for the Kiszka boy to be home so you could hear all about his day.

Around 10:30 you heard the door open and you made your way down the stairs from your room. Josh was setting his keys on the counter and before you could even say anything he was covering his face with his hands, obviously trying to hide his expression from you.

“Joshy, baby come here” you said gently as you made your way over to him. You wrapped your arms tight around him, breathing in his wonderful scent, as he finally loosened up and returned the hug. You could feel him softly cry into your shoulder, your hand immediately going to the back of his head, petting his hair and cooing ��You’re okay baby, it's going to be okay”.

After a minute he pulled away from the embrace, arms still wrapped around you, with a few tears still running down his face. “Thank you” he said quietly in a hoarse voice, offering a small smile.

“Do you wanna talk about what’s going on?” you ask him, completely fine if he refused.

“I’ve just never been so nervous in my life, and all the backlash and rumors about me online aren’t helping.”

“Babe I’m sorry, I can’t imagine how stressed and overwhelmed you must be. Just know that I personally think you are absolutely astounding, and I’m sure there are millions of people who would agree. You will always have me, no matter what anyone says or even if you completely suck on tour, which I know for a fact you won’t.”

Josh chuckles a little and says “Thanks love, you have such a way with words”

You roll your eyes, “C’mon Josh you know what I’m trying to say, I’ve never been one to sugar coat things now have I?”

He pulls you in again before whispering “I seriously have no idea what I’d do without you, you are my rock and my safe space.”

You pull back only to grab his face in between your palms and give him a passionate kiss.

“Come on lover boy, why don't you go take a warm shower and then we can curl up in bed.”

“That sounds amazing”

You both make your way upstairs and as Josh goes in the bathroom you change into a pair of soft shorts and one of his shirts.

You’re about to go get two glasses of water when your boyfriend pops his head out of the bathroom door.

“Hey, I know it’s kind of a weird question but...I just don’t wanna be alone right now, so would you mind just sitting in here while I shower?”

“Not at all” you say, giving him a reassuring smile.

You go in the bathroom and leave the door open, Josh is in just his boxers as you hop up onto the counter and sit with your back against the wall. He peels his last garment of clothing off as you steal a quick peek at his ass, what can you say, it’s pretty damn cute.

As he shampoos his hair and soaps up his body you two talk about nothing in particular, just doing your usual silly bickering about different film meanings or which John Denver song is the best.

Once he gets out, he quickly pats himself off with a towel, throwing on a pair of soft tan shorts.

As he assumes his position in your bed you go grab the glasses of water you had intended to earlier. After coming up and handing him his cup you get under the covers and pull them up only about halfway. You wrap yourself around Josh, knowing that in his vulnerable state you need to be the big spoon and cradle him like he usually does for you.

You press a few kisses to his temple and the back of his neck before saying goodnight.

“Thank you again, for everything. It is impossible to put into words how much it means to me, how much YOU mean to me.”

“You don’t even need to use words baby, I feel it all the time, I’m convinced our souls are intertwined.”

“And that makes me the luckiest guy on earth”

“And I am the luckiest girl. I love you, try and get some sleep baby”

You’re able to catch his last few words before you drift off into a peaceful sleep.

“You’re my one.”

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