#one day ill try harder

[birdricks]

you do it to yourself, you do / and that’s what really hurts

#rick and morty #rick sanchez #artsbotz #lol cry harder old man !!!!!!! #i have no idea if this looks good i feel like im gonna pass out. hopefully its good LOLLL #link is to my c137 playlist. which im also not sure is good ill have to relisten when i can think straight #used my new brush for this which is nearly exactly the same as my old one. but cooler. #maybe ill explain the playlsist tmrw if i remember. sorry its like so hastag angstcore #i literally only ever make misery playslists. theyre more fun. mayeb one day ill make a fun one #IDK WHY I DREWWWW thsi tbfh actaully idk truly. every time i draw smth im like Why did i do that #i forget what i was trying to convey. oh well #hopefully it makes some senseee. mayeb #ok soooo tired gonna pass oht now snzzzzzz

[not-poignant]

Jesus H Christopher, Pia. Your writing load is insane.

Maybe you should cut back on how many chapters you release for certain stories? Like Stain and Palma (since these stories dont equal income) until UtB the other Underline stories are almost done. Just a thought

Because I feel burnt out just by thinking of writing that much, so I can only imagine how you feel. Please take care of yourself

Hi anon,

TL;DR: My brain is stupid, which is why I can't do this, even though it makes sense and is logical.

Unfortunately the fanfiction is what often makes the original fiction possible, or more enjoyable.

If I lock myself down into too much schedule and rigidity, or if I only focus on writing for money, I actually start to hate writing, even if I love the stories. There is nothing like 'will this earn money, do people like this, would people pay, what if they all decide to stop paying for this, why would they pay for this, would I pay for this, how much would people pay for this, is there any incentive for them to pay for this, actually if I wrote a ton of different tropes maybe I'd make more for this, but that's depressing, but I need the money, shit what do I do, what if I lose my income, what if it all stops tomorrow, I need to write more, I need to write more, I need to write more' that is actually very exhausting and makes writing not much fun at all.

And to deliberately break out of that headspace as much as possible, I write fanfiction. Because that headspace (the one I wrote about above), on its own, even if I'm only writing two stories, can and has led to burnout and depressive episodes. I don't recommend it.

In a way, one of the reasons I can write so many stories right now (ADHD meds aside) is that I am letting myself break out and just have fun with fanfiction, and remember that my original writing is meant to be fun too. But without fanfiction, I lose sight of that very quickly.

Fanfiction means that when an original story chapter does super badly, generally there are still excited comments elsewhere that keep me going. That's how I survived The Ice Plague, and that story would never have been completed without fanfiction, because that was my worst performer of any story I've ever written. It also means if a lot of subscribers leave at once, I don't feel like The Worst Writer In The World. So having fanfiction behind me was like...a literal safety net or my security blanket.

If I have to discard my security blankets or use them less often in order to keep writing the original stuff, I might as well just stop entirely, because my longest hiatuses from Patreon (i.e. one lasted 1.5 years, many have lasted 4-6 months) have been when I'm mostly just writing original fiction, and am not writing much fanfiction, or not deliberately finding time for it, and finally get so stressed out re: money I literally have to stop. I'm on a (partial) Disability Pension.

A long time ago some professional people told me I probably shouldn't be working at all because of my mental illnesses and then paid me money because of the severity of those mental illnesses. My dumbass brain be pretty fragile, actually, and keeps chugging away because I make bad business decisions and write stuff I enjoy instead of writing to market, or doing rapid release, or releasing more novels (or novels). Writing does ironically help when I'm stressed, but not when I'm stressed about making money because of writing.

I will cut at my income before I cut at my love of this job, and unfortunately fanfiction keeps me going in this job, which means I can't really cut at that first.

(Also from a business perspective, it's actually a very good funnel to the original stuff and then subscription. Most of you wouldn't be here if you hadn't read one of my fanfics first and then gave the original stuff a try - I try not to think about that too much because I need fanfic to not be about money, but the fact is, I would not have this career without fanfic).

I do have plans to take two weeks off in January from posting chapters (I can still post rewards in the second half of January) and that's not too far away.

And the reality is that I probably would have kept going okay if real life hadn't imploded on top of everything like the world's worst bukkake party.

#asks and answers #personal #pia on writing #i am not a smart business owner #i'm an emotional fragile mentally ill one #who has to make decisions that keep me wanting to do this job #because at the end of the day #my severe treatment-resistant mental illnesses #do not do well with the pressure of making money #and feeling like a failure #so i need to actually do things that aren't about money at all #to remind myself that i don't need to have a breakdown #over never making a minimum wage #(i'm getting closer though which is probably why this burnout came on) #(i've been pushing a lot harder than normal because... well... i'd like to make #an average income one day) #(i may not be smart enough or well enough to do that) #(but i will keep trying) #i just have to keep trying as someone with a very broken mind #who copes with that brokenness through working hard #breaks are stressful and i have to think hard about what's best

[chronal-anomaly]

Little activity notice but I'm taking my praxis/boards at the end of March so I'll be extra unresponsive from here on out. See you all on the other side of this!!

#ik ive been on a little bit of a low activity hiatus anyway what with the 10-14 hour workdays i have rn #and i usually get home and just pass out or go to my other job rn #but ive been trying to be decently consistent on discord but honestly thats getting harder too #im usually lurking on the dash but anything that isnt studying/work right now is Too Much #ive already had one moderate mental breakdown cant wait for more :/ #but by the end of march I'll be wrapping up the unpaid internship and taking the praxis so ill be way more free after that #( ooc. ) #dont forget about me!!! love you all!!! #im a little bit more accesible on discord rn but even that might be a day or three before i get back to it sorry

[yuridovewing]

As a fellow Dovewing lover, it's frustrating how the fandom watered her down into a whiny brat who never cared about Ivypool. I mean, seriously? Not only did Dovewing care about her sister (reacting in horror when Lionblaze, her own mentor and Jayfeather are willing to potentially sacrifice Ivypool's safety by employing her as her spy instead of trying to get her out of the Dark Forest's clutches, hiding a thorn in her nest to cover for her scarring from her training).

Heck, even the scene where she tries to feed Ivypool her catch during a hunting patrol was demonized because 'she was trying to make Ivypool break the code like SHE does, as if it doesn't matter' and because she got upset when Ivypool started arguing with her! But you guys said she didn't care, right? Plus, people act like being forced into a prophecy is something you should be grateful for, as if it didn't irreparably change her close relationship with her sister? As if Lionblaze and Jayfeather didn't still keep her out of the loop (and for all the fussing they made about keeping it a secret, Lionblaze confesses his power to Cinderheart and Jayfeather doesn't even care).

Meanwhile Nightheart is angry he isn't orange and hates his mom for being exiled and the whole world has to stop for him. 🤪 And Bramblestar is simply so tortured by having an evil father, the only choice is to train with him and his evil half-brother and hide this from his wife! (But remember, it's bad when that witch Squirrelflight hides the parentage of the three from him, even when Blackstar and Leopardstar were still around after being complicit in the torture and killing of halfclan cats.) Why are these male characters sympathized with, even when they actively harm people (Nightheart forcing himself into Sunbeam's life by lying to everyone about being her mate without even asking her if she would be fine with that beforehand), Bramblestar (we all know what he does), but when Dovewing or any other female character is upset, people freak out and call them whiny brats or abusive for (checks notes) asking her partner if he loves her anymore after they argued multiple times in a book. Really makes you think! (Sorry this is so long, you just have based opinions!)

dovewing being characterized as this flighty airheaded vain popular girl stereotype in fanon is like. one of those biggest "we didnt actually read the books" things in the fandom. like theres so much fanart where shes grinning and giggling over the prophecy and shes besties with the trio and shes got preferential treatment, and then in the actual books shes basically the autistic kid no one actually likes. people really, REALLY overexaggerate that one scene where she snaps at ivypaw and brags. (and i dont wanna shit on amvs but i am forever side eying how the animation community handled dove back in the day. more than one person animated her getting murdered. normal.)

i do think its gotten better recently at least. but wow does it feel like at least one person on the writing team has a bone to pick

(also awww thank you <3 no need to be sorry i love getting stuff in my inbox)

#it does also feel so insidious to me just how long the bramblesquirrel conflict was painted as ''equally kind of wrong'' #the ppl who put words in squilfs mouth sometimes which. btw ill get to that when i read the book #and tbf part of it is that sometimes abuse isnt as easy to spot if youre primed to the mainstream version of it #like. bramble isnt a born evil wifebeater everyone can see coming from a mile away. hes a complex guy with his own insecurities #and his own goals and people he openly cares about. and even in some fanon stuff i see ppl kinda erase that part of him #(which i wont pretend im above- ive been trying to walk that line myself) #and that doesnt match how abusers are usually percieved by the public. or in this very series. #like. the main excuse for clear sky is literally ''hes sad his sister died and tried to save her! no one changes THAT much'' #anyone can be an abuser. you could be an abuser. i could be an abuser. that doesnt mean that we ARE but we are capable of it #and the thing that catches ppl off guard is that abusers are really good at hiding who they are and theyre often charming #i often hear this account of abuse that goes something like ''my parent abused me but no one believed me bc theyre nice in public'' #you dont know whats going on behind closed doors. and ik this is about funny kitties at the end of the day but its quite telling #so... yeah bramble has his nice moments. hes got his GREAT moments even. i love his relationship with his mom for example #but those moments dont mean that hes not capable of being worse. of being a monster to his loved ones #its why squilf keeps getting sucked back in. hes not a one dimensional asshole. hes capable of being kind to her. #and thats what makes his disgusting moments hit so much harder #wow ok i got off topic in the tags but yknow. idk i got feelings abt this matter as someone who's experienced toxic relationships

[sunnpii]

bad news guys i m becoming slightly less of an mc hater

#ddlc #doki doki literature club #hes ok #hes not THATTT bad #even if when he said 'you think on days like this she'd try a little harder' i wanted to throw him out a window #but hes okay #I GUESS #he doesnt have as many douchey moments as i remember #who knows maybe ill include him in one of my ddlc aus one day! #my cats here i love my cat hi sprinklesss :3

[skunkes]

march sucked but it also didnt and was so hawrd but it also wasnt and bad things happened but so did good things and im sad and im mixed feelings and i cried for 24 days total and im happy and im Happy and i hope things get better soon and that i have something to look forward to again soon as well goodnight

#talkys #a doodley #i finished march doodle page btw YIPPEE #ive been doing so bad at my attempted color focus for the past few months... #like march is Green so i wanted it to be mostly green but i failed. other colors compelled me too much #jan + feb were a bust too LOL #april is Purple im gonna try harder with the purple... #or if not ill at least make the first few days be purple focused like the first few days of mawrch were green #also i love drawing blob skunker with the little suction cup hands hee hee #literally the worst thing about [redacted] is that [redacted] made life so. idk. #i had the motivation to move forward for once...had hope for once...oh well...hopefully one day again... #bueno bye

[theygender]

Apparently the scene you get with Shadowheart if you get her approval all the way up and then tell her you want to get to spend time with her is the same one you're supposed to get at the tiefling party, which means if you trigger it early you may not get any scene with her at the party at all. This made things pretty confusing when I showed up expecting to advance my romance with her and instead she just gave me some generic "lol wine is good huh" dialogue meanwhile every other companion* BUT her was actively trying to jump my bones... Literally just had to beat everyone else off of my Tav with a stick and then go to bed alone 😔

*Except Lae'zel, who instead went on an unprompted rant about how she knew I wanted to fuck her sooo bad but I had Pissed Her Off by making her be Nice to People so now she would NEVER allow me the pleasure of having crazy hot githyanki sex with her. (She propositioned me a few days later anyways)

#i seem to have accidentally started a romance with lae'zel astarion AND gale in addition to shadowheart 😭 #like the next day i had a notice to talk with astarion and it was the scene where hes talking about not being able to see his reflection #and it was literally like dodging fucking bullets trying to pick an option that wasnt flirting #i ended up having to pick some mean dialogue that was like 'maybe its for the best youre not exactly aging gracefully' #bc the ONLY other two options were like 'tell him you think hes beautiful' and 'gaze lovingly into his eyes' or some shit #and i was like '...okay im picking the mean one but i mean it as a joke. maybe it can be a joke' and i picked it an he was all horrified #but then the next dialogue gave me an option to say 'lol im just kidding' and i was like PHEW #but then he just went back to being fucking flirty again and was like 'really~ well then tell me what you like about me the most' or smth #and i was like FUCK. NO #but then the next dialogue tree in addition to having the normal flirty options had three additional options #that were like 'youre fine. but lae'zel/gale/shadowheart? now theres real beauty' #and i was like. fuckin. OKAY #ill wonder wtf those other two are doing there later but for now ill pick the one where i tell him in interested in shadowheart #so i picked that option and this bitch fucking APPROVED. told me he was going to have to work harder to keep up with his competition #like SIR. what do you MEAN competition. i let you bite me ONE time bc you said you were dying of thirst and i wanted to help a bro out #and then the next morning i immediately told you i didnt like it and i never wanted it to happen again #what do you mean competition dude you arent even on my radar 😭 im a DYKE #and why were lae'zel and gale there as options too?? #the next night i got gales weave scene where he shows my character how to use magic #(my tav was pretty unimpressed as a fellow mage tbh but hes my friend and i was being polite) #and when i clicked the option to clearly say at the end that i was not interested in having an intimate moment with gale #he got all misty eyed and was like 'oh how quickly these moments fade away...' #like bro the moment didnt fade away i politely shut it down on purpose bc im not interested. what are you talking about #and THEN i got lae'zel trying to fuck me and when i turned her down she gave me the exact same dialogue #about how i would miss out on having hot githyanki sex with her. AGAIN #yall im JUST trying to romance shadowheart 😭 leave me alone #if anyone else is gonna try to trap me into flirting with them then at least let it be karlach next time please 😭🙏 #(ill come back for lae'zel on another playthrough bc being between her and shadowheart sounds like a safety hazard tbh) #rambling

[yakksalot]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAVORITE GUY IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!!! i wasn’t able to make anything recently, so this is artwork from last year which i still hold dearly!

🧸🐶🐰🎉🎂💗

#jonathan joestar #robert eo speedwagon #erina pendleton #jjba #jonaeriwagon #doodle/sketch #this is one of my favorite days of the whole year im so full of love happypyy jonathan day :))))) #again sorry for not being around ill try a bit harder!

[lemonsandmorelemons]

Also. While I'm posting personal stuff. I've pretty much entirely quit vaping. yeah I switched to nic pouches instead but after two years that shit it's so nice and a small victory

#the catalyst was when really when i was out in the field with my professor/mentor/one of my favorite people #and she was like “is that a juul?” and i was just. so embarrassed. vaping feels so embarrasing especially since im almost 30 lmfao #ive been meaning to quit for a while and my boyfriend started using zyns and similar products and i was like okay fine. maybe ill try them #and theyre SO MUCH BETTER and its still nicotine but the cancer chances are so much lower #plus its more discreet and therefore less embarrassing #its all about harm reduction babey #now when people pick up zyns when they dont already use nic because theyre a mental stimulant.... thats bad. please dont its so addictive #i never shojld have started nicotine but im working on reducing the mg content and one day itll be off my back #its also so much nuch harder to quit when i have so much going on with school and work and i cant afford to be pissy and withdrawing ugh #anyways time to go write my neandertal paper

[genekies]

screaming in the club

time for another vent in tags

#so i was joking and i thought it came through but im also dumb and autistic and my jokes dont always cross. sO #i was joking about one of my roomates not seeing Nightmare Before Christmas before bc i was showing 2 of them my picture vinyl of it and whe #n one of them said they never saw it i said “but you were a loser on tumblr in the 2010s wdym” and their fiance was just rude to me and i th #ought it was clearly a joke but ig not and they lowley attacked me for it? im just?? i tried to clarify that i was joking and they know im a #utistic. hell the one i was joking to is also autistic but idk so now i feel like utter shit especially after all i did today thst juet drai #ned me. ive been trying to fix our 2nd shower. i had a meeting. i had an extremely hard therapy session. and i showered today. its been hell #like i am trying to get thru relapsing on SH and my ED and ofc they dont know but that shit made it worse and i dont want to say anything bc #then ill feel like im guilt tripping? idk but im also super nervous about a HRT appmt i have coming up and i cant afford it and we have no #food in the house i can eat rn and no one has gone shopping. i cant go shopping either bc i cant drive/dont have a car. and its making it #harder to help get back on track with eating when theres nothing for me to eat? so everything is fucking amazing right now. #the only meals i could POSSIBLY have and all claimed by the one roommate i was joking with. it all takes up half our freezer too so thats #fucking awesome. all this food for one person and none that i can eat or the other vegan in the house can eat. i have been hungry for DAYS. #all there has been for me to eat is cup ramen and grilled cheese. AND SOMEONE WHO WASNT FUCKING VEGAN ATE ALL THE VEGAN CHEESE IM GENUINELY #SO PISSED OFF? like dude yall have your own cheese wtf #the thing is its already really hard for me to tell when i am actually hungry bc of years of ignoring it so when i actually feel it and ther #es nothing it really gets to me. im so tired and idek where my EBT card is to get myself something. its all just so much. #i just want to lay in my bed and sleep for days. but i cant. i have too much shit to do. like even just tomorrow i have to clean the #bathroom. mop the kitchen. do dishes. shovel snow. and just generally take.care of shit because since we have 2 roomates MIA right now and #no one else wanted to do shit i had to step up and i am STRUGGLING. i have been for a while. the thing is everyone that didnt sign up for sh #it didnt have much going on besides probable seasonal depression #i relapsed. have debilitating mental health. i can barely get out of bed before 4 pm. and i have to take care of myself and my cat. #im so close to snapping on them at this point #i need the one roommate i actually like to come back or i swear i will lose my shit. hes only been gone for 6 days but HOLY SHIT #everything has gone to shit #vent over ig im going to sleep soon. still hungry if i cant find something.

[mosstrades]

Every day I want to smoke and every day I don't because I know that beyond the arch of juvenile, relieving self-abandonment, is actual self-destruction, and there's nothing good about fracturing your ability to enjoy being alive (let alone, like, stay being alive). But when it's already difficult to connect with the 'enjoyment' part (to feel it at all, to feel you deserve it or to even believe it exists, sometimes), and you *also* take away the self-abandonment, you sort of have... nothing left going for you except the effort of self-betterment. And that's, y'know. Hard.

#not helpful that every caretaker ive ever had has been a chainsmoker #this also goes for: drinking (though less so) #and *especially* for self harm #both direct classic kinds and more insidious ones #(forcing myself not to barehandedly take cast iron skillets out of the oven at work? harder than youd think!) #ive been lucky that even though addiction runs in the family and i have mental illness ive had enough countering influences to #not fall into that trap before i knew better and could get support about it #but barreling towards your 20s like a deer towards the highway will do this to you i guess #Anyway today im going to swallow down the cynicism and try to start doing yoga and journaling again #i'll never be happy like i was but i can find something else. id rather it be nicer than getting drunk off cider and pretending i dont have #to go to work tomorrow which is what i actually want to do #nah. yoga and journaling and eating dinner. like someone who wants to live. wants to see as many sunsets as he can #and live a life where emotional intelligence and connection are not hindered #and who knows. someone who gets to feel peaceful sometimes #the effort isnt futile. it feels futile and childish but it isnt. there is a world where my heart is coherent more days than it is a fist #and thats a world worth the effort of building it #sometimes it feels inevitable though. like i *have* to come as close to self-annihilation as possible in order to earn having survived #a siren song that wont rest until i answer it and if i survive then I get to live #and everything before is just fantasy and prelude #and everything after is actually real #...guess thats something to journal about later instead of the cider thing #they werent lying that come of can age lmao #nick.txt #self harm recovery #addiction cw #vent #yeah yeah im oversharing to the void i know. its been a long summer

[todayisafridaynight]

I may just be delirious but I kind of feel like there's something there about some of the most traumatic events in Arakawa's life arguably stemming from/being made worse by being loved too much.

Like, Toshio's death, right. The death of a parent is always always going to be traumatic, particularly when your other parent is abusive, but I feel like being there, being the first to the scene, made it so much worse. Especially when it should've been a good memory.

Non-zero chance I'm just projecting because I was there for my own father's death and I was around Arakawa's age at the time, but it's like... it did have very specific life-long effects, didn't it... the way he keeps coming back to Peking duck and talks about it like he's had it before when he can't even bring himself to eat it unless he's with family (and indeed, never did, up until right before he died)...

And then there's his former patriarch. Of course, he seemed to see Arakawa as more of an object--fully under his control and something to be thrown away at the first sign of autonomy. But I feel like, before then, Arakawa must've been his "favorite," if he was willing to arrange a marriage between his daughter and Arakawa. Which I expect is what made his reaction when Arakawa told him he was (technically) having an affair with Akane and wanted out of the family that extreme in going as far as to send men after Akane and Ichiban.

The last one I can immediately think of is not exactly traumatic for him, though it is traumatic For Me so I'm counting it, but it's of course what we were talking about with Jo hesitating so much at the thought of killing Arakawa that he passed up the chance to save him.

I Dunno I Am Delirious but... there's a pattern somewhere in there... Anyway. Uh. "Happy" Father's Day am I right

happy fathers day :]]]]

#snap chats #I HAVE NOTES DOWN HERE AS ALWAYS I PROMISE JUST. no better way to cap off a post with a smile :) #plus yk. i dont have any major notes to add thats not restating but i do enjoy Restating so in the tags we go #also ngl im a lil tired so if im gonna look right silly cause my brains functioning like a bowl of cereal ill do it down here as per usual #totally waited to answer this when its technically fathers day my time and i didnt just stare at a wall #listen if someone has a proejcting problem its me alright. its ok if someone else has a turn at it esp when its within fair grounds 🥴 #in any case Yeah.. everyone loves patterns ones a coincidence two's a pattern three should incite murderous intent #i definitely wouldnt call it delirious thinking Thats My Job right LMAO #in all seriousness the importance of at least one positive adult figure in a trouble child's life cannot be understated #im pretty sure i talked bout that already so i wont give the whole lecture again LMAO #in any case its not unreasonable to want to assert love being a theme with arakawa- if not a detriment in some way #it was arakawas intense love for akane that inadvertently fractures their family to be #it was arakawas love for masato that didnt allow him to be harder on him when he should have been and caused both their eventual downfalls #and of course- as mentioned- while not a result of arakawa's own feelings #it was ultimately jo's. //vague hand gesturing// towards arakawa that stopped him from killing him outright #yet jo's love for masato that didnt allow him to lie and go directly behind his back #so yeah love just. works against arakawa unfortunately. an especially sad thing for a troubled child #because as a troubled child that's all you ever really want isnt it- to love and to be loved without worry #so its a cruel irony in that despite arakawa's childhood and general growing-up it didnt stop him from trying to love his family #it makes me wanna throw up (depressed) #in any case i have to stay up a little longer so i can steal water for later SO im gonna be up to uhhhh idk :) Stare At My Wall

[tombstoney]

,

#try not to spiral rapidly into isolation and depression New Years Eve 🥰 /s #crying crying crying my eyes out but I have to be brave like. there’s people with worse problems I feel so guilty #every day it gets harder and harder to not relapse into self harm. it’s been nearly a year #everything is too much but nothing is ever enough. I never expected to make it past 19 and every year that goes by feels wasted #i can’t talk to my folks because they just worry. i can’t talk to my mom because I can’t tell her everything #I’m dependent on other people but entirely alone with my mental illness and then no one knows why I want to Kay My S #and I don’t want to burden my friends… #ghoul.txt #i just want to be normal!!!! why can’t I be normal and be okay!!!! why can’t I have that!!!!!!

[halomancer]

Just tried Japanese stab binding and not to be dramatic but I genuinely hate it

#its a nightmare getting the holes big enough for two passes of doubled up thread #and then aligning them so that I can get the needle through #and I somehow made the stitches so tight that i cant even open the book properly #logically i know that coptic binding SHOULD be much harder #and its DEFINITELY way more time consuming #but japanese stab binding is the one getting relegated to the 'one day ill try it again' folder

[sparkly-skies]

I just had a thought because of your tags on the Aleksi posts and what we've been saying about his scene. That he's so accepting and like he's seen this all before and knows what it means.

You know when you feel your mental health going down and you can't do anything about it and you're getting so annoyed about the thoughts in your head and how you can do nothing to make them go away?

That's what this reminds me of. Not saying that Aleksi's demon is some mental illness but his attitude towards his dark self brought these thoughts on.

I saw you sent this, loved it, forgot about it between other life stuff, saw it again and thought I'd let it marinate for a few days to see if I could think of anything more to say to this, but really, you've said it all:

Having Bad Days again and recognising patterns in how you feel and behave and knowing that those are the same signs you've had before when your mental health took a dive down the ocean again and recognising that you're getting worse and should do something about it, but for one reason or another, you can't. That's really a very frustrating feeling.

Mental illness is so stupid, really: Your brain knows what's wrong, and you can know all about it and understand all the brain chemistry and how your brain works and what chemicals are imbalanced and whatnot, and still it's making you fight against, well, yourself. It's very frustrating and annoying that knowing you're mentally ill does absolutely nothing to make the illness go away.

Of course, we don't know what Aleksi meant to portray with his own Dark Aleksi (unless they decide to talk about it, please), but I think it's a fair interpretation to make. And Aleksi's acting is spot-on!

He spots Dark Aleksi in the crowd - like you would a Bad feeling or unhealthy or tell-tale behavior among your other daily feelings or behaviors, say, you notice you need to sleep more and more again to feel rested or never feel rested at all:

And his face in the next shot says so clearly: "Oh, you again, I know you and I'm so fucking sick of you and your bullshit." And @the-very-rubiest also said he looks so determined, like he's telling Dark Aleksi "I'm ready to face you and I will fight you if I have to", which anyone who's ever struggled with their mental health knows:

Dealing with it can be fucking exhausting. Pretending or trying to convince yourself you're okay can be exhausting, and if you do it for a long time only to suddenly see signs of it (Dark Aleksi) pop up randomly in your day, that makes it worse. You can hardly deny it's there if it's right in front of you.*

But eventually, you will have to face it, and at some point, you will be so fed up with it that you're determined to fight it, to fight for yourself to make it go away. It could disappear for good, or maybe that's not possible, but you can fight to make it as small as possible, small enough that it can't just rear it's ugly head** out of a crowd on a random day to threaten you.

Look at me, saying you've said it all, and then still writing paragraphs about it. What can I say, Dark Aleksi gave me many emotions, and struggling with mental health/illness is too familiar for me to just NOT spill everything on here I think about a possible interpretation of what Dark Aleksi could represent.

*although I love Ruby's Aleksi just trying to find a simple explanation and be like "... alright then, back to sleep it is", hjhjhj.

** I'm so sorry Aleksi, it's just a phrase, your Dark face is wonderful, as much as it should not be.

#excuse the maybe weird cut-offs at paragraphs i was trying to make it more me-friendly to read #paragraphs need to be short or it will be a lot harder for me to not just say alright then and skip everything #would love to be at the determination stage but alas i'M in some weird try meds and see if it works even though you know it won't #because the doctor was weird and all the meds before this one haven't worked either' stage #also it's very fucking frustrating to see all the sideeffects taking place i had with the other ones but no good effects so yeah #i'm very familiar with the 'this bitch again I'm sick of you fuck off' face and feeling #austria make therapy free for fucks sake i'm trying to get better here jesus christ fucking hell #mondscheinprinzessin #bad idea 2.0 #mental illness #answered #wait i need to schedule this for later it's 6am #because well. sideeffects include not sleeping or sleeping through the day and therefore being awake through the night #fuck that seriously #can we invest more in research about antidepressants to make the sideeffects smaller or go away

[hamburgerking]

I'm very aware (even though I've tried to deny it for awhile) that I now also look unwell on top of feeling like this.

Seeing people look at me and tell me about it is starting to get really upsetting because I can't do anything about it.

I'm sick and I now look sick and I just can't get better right now.

#at this point im afraid ill only get worse and look worse #i know that ill get better one day but it's just been getting harder for me every single day #im trying to take care of myself the best i can but I know i need help #the waiting is really hard