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kastelixa · 5 months

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ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁✰ Good Times for a Change

title from ‘Please Please Please Let me Get What I Want’ by Deftones

Summary: Leon wants his bestfriend’s attention, but you’re too busy gaming.

cw: Reader has male body parts and is referred to as he/him, smut but no penetration, praise/degradation, Leon is a little condescending, dry humping, porn and very little plot lol, very causal so little to no sweetness/fluff. Maybe if you squint.

wc: 2,086

note: This is my second time writing smut, first time with a masc reader. So please excuse any shitty writing or accidental jumps LOL. Anyone can read this btw, just more masc leaning is all. Also, Leon and reader have that ‘it’s not gay I swear’ type of relationship LMAO. They’re in denial.

It’s been hours already. Hours of you and Leon playing some random ass game you found online. You thought it would be fun, and it is! But you didn’t expect the levels to get progressively harder.

“ugh, fuck,” you grunt after losing yet again. Refraining from biting your tongue or screaming, you try again, clicking the ‘respawn’ option on the big red screen that taunts you with the words ‘YOU DIED’.

Leon huffed out a chuckle, “You’ve died like twenty times already. Give it a rest and just accept the fact that you suck.” he rolled his eyes good naturedly. Though, the twenty times comment was an exaggeration and he damn well knew it. Fucker is projecting.

“Shut up,” you groaned, thumbs mashing on the buttons of your controller, the noise almost obnoxious with how hard you’re going at it. “You’re just mad.” you add childishly, lips pursing into a pout and brows furrowing in concentration.

Leon scoffed, corner of his lips threatening to twitch into a smirk. Really, he loves when you get like this. All huffy and puffy over some stupid game. What’s not to like? Leaning back into the couch, he crosses his arms over his chest.

His eyes examined you intently, icy blues trailing over every feature on your frame. From the top of your hair to the shoes you were wearing. Unconsciously, he bites his bottom lip, unable to fight off the surge of desire that had his cock twitching in his pants.

You’re an attractive guy, and Leon knows that very well. Oh, he knows alright. After many years of friendship, he’d never think that he would harbor these intense feelings of lust for you. In fact, if someone told him years ago that he would have feelings for his best friend, he’d laugh his ass off.

Look at him now.

He inched closer, ignoring all your complaints about how the game is rigged. “Why don’t you just take a break?” he grumbles, eyes flickering back towards the TV screen, pretending to be just as engrossed in the game as you were. Without giving it much thought, he wrapped an arm around your shoulders. The mere contact enough to make his cock jump in his pants yet again.

You narrowed your eyes at him, because how dare he even consider taking a break? Not thinking much of his sudden closeness, “No way, dude,” you scoff, “I’m not taking a break until I win.” It’s a stubborn declaration, one that Leon knows you’ll stick too.

You’re stubborn as hell, and it makes his brows furrow in slight irritation. But it amuses him nonetheless. His hand starts rubbing your shoulder gently, his skin rough yet somehow incredibly comforting. And suggestive.

“C’mon, just a small break,” he insists, “Please? Before your brain begins to seep out of your ears.” he teases with a light smirk, nudging you playfully with his shoulder. His hand starts to trail lower, subtly gliding down your arm.

You don’t notice. “Just, gimme like five minutes,” you mutter. Your posture is shitty as hell and your back is starting to hurt, but finishing this level is more important. Yes, very important.

Leon hums absentmindedly, his eyes focused on your face, watching for any awareness or reaction. His hand trails lower, fingertips grazing your skin with a feathery touch. His hand now lies on your lap, inching closer to the crotch of your pants.

That’s when you start to notice. Your brows twitch, nervously glancing towards Leon and then back at the TV screen. “What are you doing?” you mumbled warily, not thinking much of it. But still definitely nervous.

Before you could even process anything though, the heel of his palm pressed down onto your clothed cock, eliciting a choked noise from you. “L-leon,” you grunted, “not funny, dude.”

“I’m not trying to be funny.” Came his casual response, lips twitching into a knowing smirk. Asshole, yeah. Fucking knows what he’s doing. Knows you won’t do anything about it.

A grunt escaped your lips, cheeks heating up in a mixture of embarrassment and arousal. Damn, you don’t want to give him a reaction. Surely he’s trying to distract you. But the friction on your dick has it chubbing in your pants already, meaty shaft twitching in response to the heat emanating from Leon’s hand.

Leon briefly studies your reaction, liking what he sees. It’s intoxicating; makes him want more. Slowly, oh so slowly, he starts to grind his hand down, fingers searching the fabric of your pants until he finds what he’s been seeking. Which leads to him tracing the tip of your cock while his palm rubs on the rest.

Heat starts to trickle into your tummy, coiling up and fluttering like a butterfly’s wings. “Stop,” you try to grumble, but it comes off as more of a whine. Shit, he’s getting to you. Your hold on the controller falters, thumbs now just lazily gliding across the buttons.

You’re not even focused on the game anymore, unable to process the characters on the screen. Subtly, you start to roll your hips forward, soft noises escaping you. Though you try to be quiet to keep the rest of your dignity, you’re sure that’s long gone.

“Mhh, having fun on the game?” Leon chuckles lightly, eyes drifting back to the TV screen while still rubbing one out of you. God, sometimes you wish you could smack him upside the head, maybe then he’d stop being such an idiot.

“Looks like you’re losing.” He says, tone indicating that he’s amused. You huffed, brows furrowing in frustration. “No— ugh, fuck off…” you mumble, eyes hooded and head lolling back onto the couch. Fuck, you can’t do it. Can’t play this stupid game anymore.

Your grip falters completely, controller falling onto the floor with a loud clatter. Your hips buck forward freely, lazily rutting onto Leon’s hand. So needy. It’s like Leon’s seeing a whole new side of you, one that gets his dick going and his heart racing.

“Leon,” you whine, voice breathy and so, so, goddamn desperate. “Please,” you plead and beg shamelessly, bangs falling over your eyes, some strands sticking to your forehead. Precum lazily drools from the rosy slit on your cock, staining the front of your boxers and making them feel warm and sticky.

Craving more, you scooted closer to Leon, limbs feeling like jello. You almost fall on top of him, but you manage. Leon finds it all so cute. It’s like watching a puppy stumble and struggle getting to where it wants to be. Pathetically cute. Makes him want to deny you.

But that’d be mean. So his smirk turns into a soft smile, hand momentarily leaving your needy cock to help pull you onto his lap. You mewl delightedly, head dipping to bury your face into the crook of his neck, nuzzling into him like a lost little kitten seeking guidance.

Your hips undulate, seeking friction on the hard meat of Leon’s thigh. Whining and moaning like a needy mutt. Leon hums softly, enjoying just seeing you like this. It’s cute. Fucking pathetic. But it’s you. And he loves you. Loves how sloppy and clumsy you are when it comes to intimacy.

Deciding to help you out before you end up tuckering out, he rolls his hips forward, angling himself just right so that your crotches are aligned. You reward him with a whimper, eyes drooping with desire and heat. “God, please… more…”

“mhm,” he hums, lost in the look in your eyes. His hands hold onto your hips, firmly keeping you in place so that you don’t end up falling over. He starts to manipulate your movements, guiding your hips down in a continuous motion.

Your bodies lock together, rocking in a steady rhythm that has the both of you groaning out loud. Your tongue seeps out from your mouth, flattening against the soft skin on Leon’s neck to start lapping at it lazily. Your lips latch on, gently suckling and leaving pretty rose colored love marks. Ones that wouldn’t fade easily.

Leon grunts in response, eyes fluttering shut to focus on all the pretty noises that you made. “Fuck, yeah… that’s a good boy,” he murmured huskily, hips snapping forward greedily. Shamelessly moaning, you mewed and whimpered with each receiving thrust, attempting to match his pace and ferocity, but it’s sloppy at best.

“Leon, uhn.. uhn.. oh fuck, gonna make me cum,” You whine pathetically, so lost in a daze that you fail to notice the drool that trailed down the corners of your mouth. Leon notices though. Of course he does. It’s the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes again: the shiny saliva coating your pretty lips.

He hunched forward a little, lips locking onto yours. His slick tongue darted out to lick into your mouth, making loud lapping noises. He grazed the outlines of your teeth; the inside of your cheeks, memorizing it all. Suckling on your tongue, you both exchanged a mess of drool and spit. You swallowed all you could.

“Messy fucking boy,” Leon groaned, panting softly. Sweat and heat covered the both of you, making you both breathless. You only mew in response, too fucking dumb and horny to even think or say anything remotely coherent. How could you? The only head you’re thinking with is your dick’s.

Yeah, you’re really messy.

That rubber band feels just about ready to snap, the coil getting tighter and tighter. It spots your vision, stars exploding behind your eyelids. “Ohhh fuck, Leon! Leon! m’gonna cum,” you whined, noises becoming louder and needier. Could give a porno chick a run for her money.

Leon’s gonna cum too. Can feel it, the way his cock juts forward and leaks precum steadily. It hurts, with how tight his pants feel and all, but that only makes it so much better. He bets you would agree. He tries to speed up, but he’s already going as fast and as hard he can.

You’re too sloppy and slow, so he’s the one doing all the work. But that’s okay. You’re too dumb to try harder. Luckily, he’s okay with doing all the thinking for you. Instead, you press yourself harder into him until your bodies are flush together, cock to cock and chest to chest.

His hips rabbit into yours, until finally, your climax rams into you like a truck. With a loud yelp that devolves into a drawn out whiny moan, you cum hard, all into your pants. It stains the fabric, gradually creating one big, dark, sticky moist spot. All you can do is whimper and whine throughout it all.

Leon keeps going, “Fuck, fuck, yeah, take it,” he groans, grip tightening on your hips in a way that would surely leave some pretty bruises. He slams into you again and again, even as you start to slacken against him.

Finally, he growls, gritting his teeth as his own sweet release snaps, making him cream his pants in steady spurts. He slows down, grunting softly into the last few thrusts until he eventually comes to a stop, leaving the two of you heavily panting in exhaustion.

“So,” he speaks in between pants, voice breathless yet satisfied, “you ready to take a break yet?” he chuckles hoarsely, a grin gracing his handsome features.

“Shut up,” you mumble, voice muffled and face buried into his chest. There’s laughter in your voice, an almost giddy feeling that makes you feel light and spacey despite how tired you are. “You suck.”

“Says you,” Leon huffs, pausing briefly to check you out. “Should freshen up and probably change soon. It looks like you just pissed yourself.” he teases, eyes focused on the huge fucking wet spot on your pants. Looks like you were backed up, huh?

“Fuck you,” You laugh, rolling your eyes. Finally mustering up enough strength and energy to sit up, you reluctantly peel yourself away from his lap, deciding to sit besides him instead. “You’re no better.” you glare halfheartedly. As if he didn’t have a cum stain on his pants too. Sure does love to put you on the spot now does he?

“Yeah yeah,” Leon rumbles, “Let’s just shower now, it’s starting to stick.” he grimaces, shifting uncomfortably as he struggles to get up, pulling you along with him forcibly. Glancing back at you, he smirks. “Maybe a round two in there?”

“Absolutely not.” You laugh, elbowing his side playfully and speeding up to walk in front of him.

What a fucking lie.

#kastelixa ꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱#kastelixa #leon kennedy x reader #leon kennedy x you #leon kennedy x y/n #leon s kennedy x y/n #leon s kennedy x you #leon s kennedy x reader #smut #resident evil x reader #leon kennedy x male reader

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comrade-bastard · 16 days

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Ithink being full time employed having a boyfriend and entertaining myself w my crafts hobbies has fr restored me. Im hardly ever online, but im having so much more fun than when i was obsessed with getting into soul sucking arguments with strangers. yeagh im still politically active and im able to contribute more to donation stuff to help others (again thanks to my job holy shit) but im not like. Picking fights with weird ass fandom liberals. Im making friendship bracelets. Come with me. Take my hand. Stop arguing, block that guy. Just bake cookies instead.

Peanut butter cookies:

1 cup peanut butter (i prefer chunky no sugar added)

1 egg

1 cup sugar (this is why i use the no sugar added kind of peanut butter)

Lil bit o salt

Mix that up slap that shit in rounded balls onto a baking sheet and bake at 325-350 for 7-12 minutes (depending on the pan and the cookie size, alsoni dont remembrr)

Anyways. Make cookies

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roo-bastmoon · 1 year

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Just a little reminder that since coming home from a crazy amount of Jikookery in Vegas in April, we've had:

--waiting deliberately to ride home from the airport in a car together

--JK singing With You on his vlog

--Jikook giggling and holding hands in the dark at Hobi's party

--JK accepting Kookmin Are Dating and Jimin's Little Finger into his In the Seom circle even though they had fewer experience points

--JK's tattoo artist inking JM and JK on his own arm

--cute interactions at awards shows and changed lyrics for June performances

--JK's brother liking Jikook + Bam family fan art

--Jimin giggling and chasing JK over eating ramen (knowing about his gluten intolerance before it was public)

--JK flirting in the car while sucking on corn ice cream

--JK smacking the hell out of Jimin's ass and doing couples flying yoga

--Jimin coming to visit JK in the dead of night for his birthday, bringing his own cake, snapping that intimate photo, posting on WeVerse two days in a row despite the fact he was also working in the studio that whole time

--Jimin's dad posting a photo of JK's old beloved dog on his birthday

--what sounds like Jimin's giggles in the background on JK's birthday live with Jin

--what sounds like JK whispering "JIMIN!" twice during Jimin's birthday live

--JK's birthday thirst trap for Jimin--which he posted on WeVerse specifically for Jimin, having not been on that platform himself in years

--The Busan live where JK looks on adoringly while Jimin slurps noodles

--JK offering up the story of his mom making seaweed soup just for Jimin which is culturally SIGNIFICANT

--Jimin razzing the shit out of JK for "Jungkook Marry Me"

--Jimin inviting JK to feast after the Busan live

--JK saying twice that he'll join Jimin on a live soon if he has time

--JK posting their special numbers on his selfie in Qatar

--Jimin posting about how cool JK's World Cup performance was.

Now look, they've both been busy with work and travel. What raises doubts about if Jikook are still close is the fact that JK goes out (seemingly mostly alone) to so many meat restaurants. I saw one video of him joining another person outside, but it was too shaky to make out much of anything. The coat and jeans looked similar to what Jimin wore to the airport for NYC, but I can't say that with any certainty so please take that with a grain of salt.

After 10 years of having every second of his life scheduled and strict diets, GOOD FOR JK. A restaurant tour of Korea while Jimin is holed up in the studio is a lovely idea, especially since it seems he's not super into cooking for himself.

Here's where fandom gets sticky.

JK also went bowling with Tae and friends, and did a TikTok dance challenge with Taehyung, who mentioned JK frequently before Taehyung went to Paris. Seems like there were plans for them to do a gaming live similar to Jin's but time didn't allow for it.

There's also unsubstantiated rumors of them going skiing this week with other people. You know, friendship things. Positive, healthy, harmless things you do with friends when you are young. It definitely suggests closeness, but not necessarily sexy times? People made a lot of assumptions that JK came right from the airport and spent the night in a luxury villa with Taehyung, but, actually, Taehyung is friends with the owners, and JK's pants are different than what he wore at the airport, and it could have been filmed at dusk, not dawn. Maybe they just, ya know, wanted to do a cool TikTok vid since their versions weren't included on the official choreo version Hobi posted.

What worries some folks is that there's no evidence of Jikook even doing friendship things since Vegas. Which, again, PJM1 is consuming Jimin's time... Plus also remember that whole traumatizing few months of mail tampering, doxxing, scandal in the press overshadowing Jimin's unpromoted OST, governmental manipulation over the Expo, stocks tanking, and military enlistment, plus rampant hate online and sometimes even death threats?

Those are all really good reasons to not share one's personal life or hint at a closeted homosexual relationship. Even under the cover of friendship and group outings, Jimin just may be sick of the scrutiny. He's not been going out with ANYONE.

And yes, it's fair to say that Jikook normally are always together and never really hid that before. I mean, there is an ENTIRE POP UP MUSEUM DEDICATED TO ALL THEIR INTERACTIONS. No other members have anything like it.

But 2022 is unlike any other year they've had before either.

Also something to think about: Jimin once recently mentioned that he and Taehyung Facetime each other practically every day. (It was during the live when he shared that Taehyung was the one who inspired Jimin's moon tattoos based on fan art he showed Jimin.) Think about that Vmin hug on the Busan stage--it was a chef's kiss. Just this week, Jimin insisted on a selca with Tae and Jin on his own phone.

We can assume their friendship is rock solid, but we rarely see much evidence of them interacting in their off time. In fact I cannot think of the last time Jimin and Taehyung hung out in person when not for a work thing. I can't imagine they are faking affection or bed hoping with JK. I don't require proof of them doing things together to think their friendship is real.

Maybe we could do the same for Jikook? Even if they don't post a selca this year? Yeah, it's a bummer, but it's not divorce papers, y'all.

Can I say for sure Jikook dated / are still dating? NO. I can't say that about any point in their relationship, actually. But I keep reminding myself to be patient, wait things out, because more always comes out.

There's all these little things, like JK knowing that Jimin won't be drinking champagne, but having no idea that Taehyung had given up alcohol for two months.

Clues always come out eventually.

I'll be so curious to see what happens after PJM1 drops. Will Jimin do very little promo, like with his OST? Will there be multiple videos, with choreo? Will his members be silent about this work too? Will he have more free time and thus poke his head up more? Or will he continue to be a lil ninja? I dunno. I'll be supporting him no matter what.

And even if his members don't publicly hype him up, I won't just assume that means they are jealous or don't care about him. Like Jin said: "Post, it's good. No post, it's still good." Will I be a bit unnerved? Honestly, yeah. But Jimin knows Jimin's situation best.

The honest truth is this: none of us KNOW what's going on with any of the members' relationships except the members. And that's how it should be because that's their business. They only owe us good music and dance performances. The rest is icing on the cake.

It's totally okay if you believe this is just one of those dry spells Jikook has over the years. It's valid if you think they broke up and are just being good friends and coworkers at a distance. If your gut is telling you Taekook is now real, I can't say I agree with you, but I'll never come into your spaces and argue with you.

It's up to you to seek out reliable sources of info and then make your own judgement call, if you feel if you have enough data. This isn't a cult. You are not required to "keep the faith" about anything.

Two months ago, Jikook were Jikooking like always. Now Jimin is quiet (except to tell us to keep warm and not get sick, bless his heart). And Jungkook and Taehyung are showing us they hang out (as they have done in the past--restaurants, gaming, trips with Wooga--though perhaps now they are doing it a bit more than when they all had an OT7 schedule).

And so the silence from Jikook and the hanging out from Taekook has the cult all whipped up and Jikookers feeling unsettled. I get it. It's normal to feel your feels. But also be sure to math your math.

Me? I honestly have no clue what's going on. I still feel like we're seeing so little of the full picture, it would be wise to withhold judgement quite yet. I tell myself: Be patient. Trust the members. There are things they can't tell us, but if we trust their words, that would be good.

In the meantime, please stream and vote and buy albums. That's our main job as Army, regardless of ship or bias. Soon all our boys will be serving, and the drought will be very very real. So let's try to celebrate, smile, and laugh about what we still can, okay? I think they'd want us to focus on that.

#jikook

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shoechoe · 2 months

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another long ramble this wont get out of my head!! ur words hav enlightened me! a bit wish washy i may hav repeated some stuff but man i hav sooo many thoughts. when u mentioned how some of ur favorite prog rock songs feel more like a journey rather than conventional music experiences it rlly struck a chord in me. rlly! its such an interesting take bc it did make me reflect a bit on king crimson's *titles* in particular and their longer songs, specifically. theyre like chapters, is what ive came to realize a bit too late knowing ive been listening to king crimson since 2021... i really wish i had taken the time to delve into their lyrics. (moreover on lyrics, i did have a long conversation about starless w a friend before,, i really liked the themes of torn relationships and betrayal within the song! richard palmer james, someone who helped write the song stated that the song was actually about ending a friendship of sorts. interesting. [http://www.elephant-talk.com/wiki/Interview_with_Richard_Palmer-James_in_Tylko_Rock], tho honestly i could see many other interpretations of it. another song i analyzed, that time on my own, was fallen angel... which still makes me pretty damn emotional to this day.) the narrative parts of kc makes me think of lizard (the song, not the entire album), part one being labelled "prince rupert awakes", w v lively and descriptive lyrics. (expressing themes of royalty and social hierarchy. alluding to rupert's arrogance in being able to wipe out the enemy.) and then nearing the end of the song, is "prince rupert's lament", paired w an instrumental which expresses his death in battle!! while i hav listened to this song countless times (inadvertently bc spotify's shuffle features sucks ass) and have gotten a bit frustrated, i never rlly took the time to rlly take a look into the *beauty* of the lyrics of lizard... i jus rlly appreciate how subtle yet very profound and rhythmic the lyrics are... even if it seems like gibberish at first glance u can still make out some sort of meaning given that u have the patience n time. jus like listening to the song itself u have to take in all elements of sight (reading, obviously jbddb) and hearing.

i love the attention to detail in verses 4 and 5 in part 3 (battle of glass tears) (moreover i think this is one of the most beautiful fuckin things ive heard in a king crimson song), showing the passage of time from night to day as the soldiers fearfully yet ambitiously prepare for battle. as soon as the sun rose, they (id presume) said their prayers before they marched into battle. usually sunrise is associated with more positive emotions, but in this case id assume rupert and all of his underlings died. glass tears are also a real-life phenomena, very strong hardened glass... earlier in the song there were allusions to eyelids being torn (ouch) and yeah i can see the logic behind that bc glass cuts thru things. i think it touches on the bloodshed and lament of the battle rupert and his soldiers fought!

i feel the last portion of the rlly ties into the darker aspects of the song which i had overlooked, initially...!!! i feel that part of the prog rock experience, at least w listening to king crimson, is to immerse urself in the lyrics i guess. cuz while u may get a good 10min of instrumentals (bolero), i jus find it so fascinating that even smthn as "simple" as that could withold immense meaning to the artist which makes it shine or stick out.... fripp mentioned that the segment of lizard, bolero, was the only thing that didnt cause him intense misery. (https://www.dgmlive.com/diaries/Robert%20Fripp/simon-amp-robert-have-returned-210916) which obvs provides a lot of insight into the making of the song and album itself. twas a bit critically received and fripp called ppl who liked lizard "strange" iirc. heh. i enjoyed looking up random ass takes abt this song online. and also using my own brain. i think it adds to the experience a lot, like i said. i should def go check out echoes by pink floyd and take ur interpretation into consideration, ofc. X)

I don't have much to add since I haven't thought about them as much as you have, but yeah, absolutely. Progressive rock is fantastic at immersion and telling stories through the music just as much as the lyrics. Some of my favorite songs seem strange on the surface, but become better with thought and repeat listens. Hope you like Echoes, of course. (Pink Floyd also made an abridged 16-minute version a little while later, which I think was a good call despite my love for the original.)

#long post #mutuals (epic)#asks #king crimson #music

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goongiveusnothing · 7 months

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his ego won't let him stay close to anyone.

Or maybe everyone that's close to him eventually shows there true colors and just wants to use him to boost there careers, or maybe it's because all of Harrys friends are getting married or in committed relationships, having babies. Harrys getting older and so are his friends things change priorities change it's a part of life. Harry sacrificed a big part of his life to have the life style he lives. His priorities are touring, making money building a brand, his friends chose a different path. I think some of you need to stop being so critical.

If you still have people in your life from childhood your one of the lucky ones, some of us don't we made sacrifices and that ment cutting people loose that wasn't meant for part of our journey doesn't mean we are damaged, or can't have committed relationships. Geeesh

Or maybe everyone that's close to him eventually shows there true colors and just wants to use him to boost there careers

and harry doesn't use them? he has literally tried to surround himself with victoria's secret models and other celebrities like the gerbers or nick grimshaw and the primrose hill gang and the people from his movies, he's even tried to name drop his own former band mates for clout.

and what do you think james corden and ben winston and brad the trainer use harry for? his company? you don't think brad is living off "all the pussy" he's gotten from being near harry? are you that naive? xander literally bragged about how he could harry into a threesome with some girl, and harry was cool with that. harry even tried to get some dude laid onstage and it turned out he then started messaging children online.

sacrificed a big part of his life lmao. like he's lived in a war zone. if you can stay friends with anyone as rich as he is, that's on you.

his priorities are making money, his brand that he gives no shits about, and touring for the money. yeah. i wonder why nobody around him likes him.

if you're a multi millionaire celebrity and you can't keep any friendships apart from the people you pay for work and then perhaps potential work collaborators like taylor russell, then that is definitely a reflection of you. his fans can be butthurt about it all they want. they know his friends suck ass and his personal life seems like a disaster. who the fuck would want to hang out with the azoffs, xander, ben winston, james corden, and brad at every turn? it definitely reflects on him and his fans know that.

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taylorswiftdebut · 10 months

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hhhhmmm

i’m gonna say it: i hated the eras tour

the actual physical show/performance itself was amazing the visuals and time and effort put in was astounding, taylor swift is genuinely superhuman and there will never be another like her

but being at the actual show and watching it around others sucked fucking ass. which is so strange to say and come to the realization because getting tickets was so mentally draining and she’s my favorite artist and it was such a privilege to be able to go and be on the floor but i genuinely don’t think it as a concert was worth the time and money i put into it. no one was dancing, people were barely singing, it was so hard to see because everyone had their phone held up so high recording every little bit, if taylor came near you people started screaming and making grabbing motions at her like she is subhuman and it just flat out wasn’t fun and that’s only half of it coming online after was even worse.

people will make comments such as “what did this city ever do to deserve this” and “you literally won” and “if you got this surprise song i hate you” and so on and so forth just such vile comments that sure are “all in good fun” but are they? and everyone being like she should have done this at MY show it’s just exhausting. concerts shouldn’t have to be a competition, live music is an art it’s supposed to be fun but i don’t believe anyone but those in the nose bleeds are actually having fun! and even still on this online aspect in the most picky way possible but i hate the quality of gifs this go round because they are so smooth and high quality which no fault to gif makers but what happened to overexposed shaky videos because people were jumping too hard.

it all feels so much a symbol of status and so fake like who’s a better fan who had the better surprise songs who had prettier costumes did taylor give a good speech tonight was there a deviation in the dance moves

i know more about this show than i ever wanted to know about anything in my entire life nothing was ever truly a surprise even when avoiding spoilers it was everywhere it just idk people keep asking me if it was everything i ever dreamed and honestly? no and all i have to show for it is 70 cents in my bank account from buying friendship bracelet supplies (and i didn’t even make enough apparently even though i thought it was a lot!) and outfit supplies and whatever else i needed to “prove” i was a good fan and i deserved to be there and calves that won’t stop cramping from standing and dancing for 6 hours. the best part of the night was hearing about it from my sister who was in the parking lot because she wasn’t preforming for anyone she was just enjoying an artist that she loves

#i’ve been thinking a lot about this and #idk this doesn’t make sense #i loved singing my head off but i felt so silly all night! even looking at videos from today #all i see are people standing still with their phones up #and i loved seeing ash and mack and karina pre show was great #but it’s so emotionally exhausting to watch a show surrounded by people who don’t give a fuck #and then to come on here and everyone is like ‘fuck kansas city!’ and over analyzing everything she did and who she brought out #when that used to be a tumblr and show specifically immortalization now it’s everywhere it feels like i’m stuck in a bad dream #and none of any of it feels real or that it happened to me but around me idk #and this feels so awful and selfish to say but it’s true! and that sucks #eris: text

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jokeson-u · 2 years

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my pll core 4 (sometimes +ali/mona) headcanons / somewhat ot4+

-hanna and spencer have popcorn mouth catching competitions and emily and aria get really into it

-anytime one of them experiences a breakup, a car ride blasting their designated breakup playlist is mandatory

-emily always wants to play cards at their sleepovers. her favorite game is jin bc she kicks ass, and kent bc its 4 players

-arias fav is old maid even tho shes like always the old maid at the end lmao

-spencers fav game is spit but one time she literally spit on the cards on instinct since she played the classic way with her dad growing up. emily was so revolted that she doesnt allow spencer to play cards anymore

-hanna literally only knows go fish

-they usually try to fit under one blanket during movie time but it doesnt work out that way

-mostly because hanna complains about being too warm (and then complains about being left out of the group cuddle)

-they went to build a bear together once and all got matching bears in different colors (the brown for spencer, the baby pink for hanna, the baby blue for aria, and the rainbow one for emily because there was no other matching bears besides that one and they found it hilariously ironic)

-hanna gets them all matching pajamas because she and mona used to do that and hanna thinks its just a Part of friendship lol

-actually i think there are a lot of kinda weird things hanna expects in her friendships with them that mona made her think were normal lmaooo ('what do u mean u dont wanna sit in the bathroom and talk to me while i shower?' 'whats so weird about sharing underwear, jeez')

-aria likes painting their nails at sleepover and decorating them and stuff. she goes all out- glitter, little nailpolish sticker things, thin tip brushes to make designs. shes serious about mani pedis

-they have their monday nights dedicated to watching the bachelor. aria is a SUCKER for the bachelorette and hannas biggest dream is to be on bachelor in paradise. spencer and emily pretend to tolerate it but its secretly a guilty pleasure show for them too. mona and ali both somehow always knows whos gonna be in the top 3. mona because shes just that good and ali because she gets spoilers online and pretends shes just that good LOL

-kinda canon but when one of them snaps at another or the rest, no one takes it personally like its so overlooked because their bond takes precedent over anything else

-spencer has a habit of forgetting where her reading glasses are (when theyre on her head) and getting all worked up and screechy about not being able to find it. they do their best not to laugh and when she yells at them that its not funny upon finding them on her head, they just laugh harder

-their cycles are almost always synced. if they arent in need of space from everyone, they watch romcoms and share a bowl of candy salad

-aria occasionally likes playing video games with mike so when theyre at the montgomery house she sometimes convinces the girls to play with her (spencer gets too competitive and SUCKS so she gets rly mad. emily is accidentally a pro at it without trying, and hannas not even trying to follow the objective)

-ok but following the gaming theme, hanna has a wii so they play mario kart at her place and hanna is a MASTER and spencer targets her with shells

#i was just reminded of this #posting even tho ill be adding more im sure #pretty little liars #poly liars #pll #hanna marin #spencer hastings #aria montgomery #emily fields #alison dilaurentis #mona vanderwaal #im not even rereading these so idr any of it but here u go

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imabillyami · 1 month

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“Billy, where the fuck have you been lately?”

I’ve been mostly trying to get my personal life back on track. I’ll be celebrating 2 years drug/alcohol free on April 1st and to honor that, I wanted to get things a bit more in order again.

The results are mixed, but I’m working on it.

I’ve really been enjoying my time away from Wrestling and Tumblr lately, only really talking to my friends and people I’m developing great friendships with on discord and irl lately.

The break from Wrestling (outside of the occasional nxt episode and PLEs) is much needed for me, cause I do not enjoy main roster WWE writing at all lately.

I don’t wanna ruin it for the people enjoying it though and I especially don’t wanna have discussions with strangers on the internet about it. If I wanna bitch about something, I’ll do so in private, except for when I have *moments* and end up bitching online anyway. But those are very rare and far inbetween.

Everyone can do with their internet presence what they want, it’s not my place to judge or tell anyone what to do. I personally just don’t wanna expose myself to the level of negativity the fandom sometimes exudes.

And I’m not dealing with stupid unnecessary hate messages either or childish indirecting either. Been there, dealt with that, and I’m personally way past the point where I’m willing to give it any time of my day.

I wanna be a positive online presence, with strong opinions still, yes. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be kind about them and respect other opinions.

Anyway, I’m rambling.

Spring is finally coming, the sun finally made a big return, so I’m trying to soak up as much Vitamin D as I possibly can while chatting with the people who are very dear to me.

If you want to add me on discord, just message me here first, I’ll be super happy to talk to you over there and maybe even strike up a friendship if we click with each other.

As for my fic writing: It’s slow. I’m still writing for the Samijey fandom and I still love doing it, but staying on top of my life and chatting to/ taking care of friends has been the priority for me these past few weeks. Writing is still going though, just gotta be patient about it.

I’m not putting pressure on myself to publish anymore, cause that sucks the joy right out of it. I love sharing my writing with all of you and I love your feedback, but it’s not meant to be the reason I write. At least not the main one. I’m writing for my own enjoyment and as a creative release first and foremost and that’s how it’s supposed to be, at least in my case.

So yeah. Sunshine, hard work staying on top of things, friendship and support have been my main focus lately and I’m actually quite happy with that.

I’ll be back more frequently and be more active in the fandom again once I see something I enjoy being shown on tv, until then, feel free to reach out about the discord thing and please never stop tagging me in posts on this silly website, I love coming back and catching up with what y’all have been up to!

For now, hugs and kisses to y’all.

(I’ll be lurking around lmao)

p.s.: I was made aware that there apparently was a whole ass hate campaign against me happening in private messages. If you listened to that and chose to believe it, you missed out on talking to me and that’s honestly your loss. I was not aware of having beef or animosity with anyone around here is all I can say to that 🤷 Spread love like legs ✌️

#life update #m writes #billy writes #sobriety #only good things

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questionablepastries · 1 month

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large vent

tw: suicidal ideation

I need to type this out for my own sanity. But also the entire purpose is on the off chance that someone reads this and, in some way, relates to what I'm experiencing. Not the entirety of it, but a part of it, would be enough for me to justify sharing my experiences. Normally, I would have written this out in a diary but something tells me that by sharing it and letting people they are not alone would be more beneficial than keeping this to myself. To preface everything, these are first world problems. All of this spiraling - ok first off my behavior towards what is really the most minor of all triggers is annoyingly blown over. All that happened was that someone i thought i could have befriended more given time and more chats- just one day decided i wasnt worth being (and i hate typing this) mutuals with.

What made me laugh was the idea of describing my lil hissy fit emotional tantrum to my boomer absolutely not online coworkers and they would all most likely laugh about it. But the more i thought about losing this mutual, the question i kept going back to was why? why was i blowing this out of proportion? what even caused this big of a reaction in me? well first off, i was really riding on the hope to get to know them better. i really wanted to be friends with them. the great thing about online friendships is that it eliminates any barriers that would be present if someone tried to make friends with you in person. you dont worry about smelling bad, looking weird, stuttering, bad posture, etc. so truly i was thinking if our interests aligned enough and we cracked some jokes we had something, that could blossom into something cool. instead it didnt and they just dropped me entirely out of nowhere, and me being my silly self thinks somehow its my fault.

honestly though im sure they were going through something - like they would constantly post about wanting ppl to unfollow them and me going oh that cant be about me surely, nah it was most definitely about me. i cant nail down what it was though, did i not reach out enough? did i joke too much? was i too little was i too much. unfortunately, with the lack of a physical barrier im taking this as a personal fault that I Really messed something up. Something about me as a person is inherently undesirable and therefore not worth putting in the time or effort to talk to -- there must have been something off about me for this to have played out the way it did, right? I keep running scenarios in my head like oh what if i reached out more, or what if i responded in a different way that one time -- as if it can change the outcome of what has happened but. all of this. all of this emotional self inflicting stupid reaction im having stems from my own struggles in real life to make friends. this has been a running trend all my 28 years (yeah 28!) and.. to bring myself back to reality and to keep my emotions from spilling over. I came up with a good strategy.

I always ground myself by saying to myself in a silly voice as if one would calm down a pet "are you punishing yourself for having become the person you are today due to your shitty environment/upbringing that you had no control over" and "are you punishing yourself for factors out of your control Again? eye roll come on now" and thats literally how ive been grounding myself this entire time whenever i get really uncomfortable with how i am as a person in real life. and yeah honestly my upbringing sucks ass it sucks soooo much. i have no extended family and it has never been more obvious since i became conscious as a toddler to this day that my extended family on both sides absolutely does not give a shit about me nor my immediate family. my immediate family being my mom and my sister. my mom and my sister are my ONLY family. side note and i mean this semi-jokingly: if you have a family fuck you. when my coworkers talk about their uncles or their aunts or their grandparents or how they were raised by their grandparents or how they hung out with their cousins and how they went on vacations, or how they spent time with their dad. i feel this massive vacancy in my heart that is a placeholder of what i want so desperately to have happened. i feel like those scenarios they describe to me are just not possible, families only exist on tv shows, and christmas specials, thats not a real thing. it has never been a reality for me. unrelatable. all of it. and as a first generation child from immigrants (lets not even get into my dad we havent spoken to him in over a decade) my only memories are of food stamps, being smelly in school because my mom could literally not afford the time to take care of me or afford a baby sitter, my stuttering, my inability to join extracurricular activities due to money, all of it added up to my ostracization throughout the entirety of my school years.

& as a child on welfare it was very much drilled into me that the only escape from poverty is through education and i took that very seriously. im a fucking scientist now i passed the national exam to get where i am. where i failed socially didnt matter to me back then as long as i had good grades, grades were All that mattered to me. and i succeeded. but not without some draw backs. ive always been an awkward person. i have a couple of friends few and far between in person. its literally three people that i keep in contact with in real life and i am extremely grateful that they reach out to me but its also like. i gotta do better lol one of them forgot my birthday this year and the other one only texted me 'birth' on my birthday, the last one he's a keeper - we're basically brothers and he always checks in on me, but he doesnt live in the same state as me. so all of that is to say. When this person broke mutuals it kind of made me, or rather for my own sanity, seriously re-evaluate my relationship with how i spend my free time, and who and what exactly am i placing value in. this person absolutely does not care about me and i dont expect them to. and given what little we had in terms of an online friendship i guess i let my hope of a cool friendship with them blind me to the reality of what we actually had. time and time again i have placed more hope and love into online individuals that do not reciprocate - and usually they just drop the ball on me. which is like ok. im sure i was either too little or too much i can never accurately gauge how intense i am due to, you know, Lack of Real Life Experience. oh right the suicide thing, so like for the longest time i struggled with suicidal idealization - it only stopped until i graduated about two years ago. In my pre-teens to late teens i told myself that if i was in the same scenario where my mom and my sister are my only family but we were well off i would definitely have killed myself.

I decided as a pre-teen that my only worth was how high i could get into my academics in order to lift my mom out of poverty. that was the Singular Only driving factor that kept me alive. kinda. damn that sucks to write out lol but its true! that was my mantra back then and i would repeat it anytime something shitty happened to me or someone was mean to me. im not sure where im going with this. i just wanted to get it out there, that i was and still am very lonely in person, and whats funny is that im not even like ugly im just average, i hung out with my sister and dolled myself up a bit for my birthday and we went to the mall and three guys hit on me unprompted so its definitely not a looks thing - SPEAKING OF when i got into uni and moved into an apartment with four roomates i was like this is my YEAR, im gonna go out SO MUCH im gonna walk around campus im gonna go out late and do school clubs!! and then covid happened. the apartment lease was worthless. i stayed indoors exactly the same amount as i always did only this time it was justified, but it sucked because that was the time i had decided i was going to break my cycle of staying inside holy shit that fucking sucked. and then my senior year of college i didnt need to stay in an apartment anymore because i was required to be in a hospital four days out of the week for training so i ended up back at my moms. i think there is something wrong w me tho bc im not saying it was being poor that led to me being awkward. but it didnt help, and im gonna go ahead and blame my lack of a support group - family wise, my entire life, on how uh. i came out. lately im trying to reel back how blunt i am. which. uh. hmm. i actually have a large language barrier with my mom. somehow i picked up on understanding spanish but not speaking it perfectly, it improved, im way better at speaking it now.

but i could hardly communicate with my mom while growing up, and she never expressed interests in my hobbies or who i was as a person, to this day i am and will forever be a 7 year old toddler in her eyes. she still shows no interest in me as a person or who i am. which is fine with me, ive accepted that she wont change, because she grew up in a more messed up environment and this entire time only until Recently, she had been on breadwinner providing for my two daughters survival mode. um. so , like i mentioned. that person breaking mutuals just shone a light on how, broken i am as a person? you would think, without physical barriers the sky is the limit when it comes to befriending people but no i still struggle i cant do anything right i suppose. i just need to focus on improving my life outside of online spaces. people online will reach out of they want to and can so im trying to lessen my hopes in general. and um. idk im at a loss for words currently. i simply dont know where to begin when it comes to , anything? living? hmm. i only just escaped school so i feel like i can breath - air for once. im no longer under the scary pressure of - if i fail at school im better off dead- ohh i think i know what i can add - offline people are WEIRD. ive had a couple of hiccups with friends irl that i literally dont talk to anymore! one of them became a misogynist red pill guy, another guy kept trying to touch me every time we hung out! and the last guy kept telling me to fuck off when i asked how he was doing!! hmmm. yeah this is just circling back to my current mantra which is to not be overly mean to myself for how i am currently due to my , situations leading up to now. I DONT KNOW. here's hoping..!! something !! anything is nice to me!! ohhhh i remembered something else. recently my coworker exchanged numbers w me saying something about haning out with other coworkers in the future. i am so desperately trying not to get my hopes too high up. always happens tho!!!!!!!! i get my hopes up when it comes to making friends both offline and online!!!!!! and guess what keeps happening again and again!!! HAHA………..can i have hope this time??? do u know once i tried reaching out to a mutual i wanted to befriend and get closer to (we were calling each other friends by this point) on Three Separate Platforms i knew they were active on only for them to Not respond to Anything i sent? AND i didnt even reach out three times in a row I Spaced It Out like a Normal Person. Only for Them to Tell me how they were having Fun in Their Friend Group of Other Online People talking about our Mutual Interests. Do you know how fucking stupid i felt at that moment. Oh im sorry am i not cool enough to be invited to that. Am i too stupid what is it about me thats so repellent??

I know its common courtesy to not be straight to people and tell them whats wrong with them but damn i wish someone would be straight with me and Not leave me hanging UGH. I realized at that moment tho that I never wanted to BE that desperate EVER AGAIN. I felt like such a stupid asshole holy shit. I never want to be that desperate for some onlines person attention ever again oh my god,, i dont think ill ever forgive them for that. its all on me though!!!!!!!!! mY FAULT!!!!!!!, for placing Value and i guess getting my Hopes up that i could make friends again WHOOPSIES i forgot im fuckin uhhh Ultra stinko Stupid Bitch who cant maintain any sort of relationship!!! back to the ditch on the side of the road i go to drink my stupid pond water like the unlovable unwarranted piece of shit nobody wants to hang out with again!!!!!!!! MY BAD!!!!!!! SO SORRY TO BOTHER. well its whatever i got money now, i have a job. and as much as i would like to say well earning money is all that matters right? its not. im a greedy greedy jealous little sniveling BITCH and my heart will never stop yearning for what others take for Granted. SO YEAH LOL. this has felt great to type out!! if you relate to any of that...um... Im sorry!!!!! we all in this together. but maybe not really im just gonna be kept at arms length with literally anyone i try to befriend offline due to me bein a little weirdo who cant relate to anything haaa,,, i want to end this on a positive note but fuck that! This is where im currently at and this is my current predicament! Will it improve? sure if i put some effort into myself and spend less time online and stop putting rakes on the ground to step on. i literally set myself up for getting hurt everytime ill figure out a way to make the pain hurt less.

#as far as the tw goes DONT WORRY #currently not struggling with it #its just something i talk about in my post

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disturbedheart · 2 months

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hi, i'm 13 almost 14. i don't follow you because i understand you probably don't want minors following you, but i have looked at your blog and for the past 2 years i've heavily suspected i might have bpd. i know self diagnosis is like, bad, so i'm not trying to do it but it's really hard. i feel like i'm crazy and that nothing i ever do is right or good enough and sometimes it just feels like i would be better off dead. i have no idea what to do and i just had a conflict with someone i'm really close to and i'm so fucking scared and i don't understand why i'm reacting like this and i just want help. it's fine, if you don't want to reply to this, too. i won't mind i just am so scared and confused and angry and i don't know why

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Bpd sucks ass and I'm really so sorry 😔 I don't mind if minors follow me honestly, I think having an adult to look up to or learn from, or just relate to in situations like is important because I needed someone when I was your age to help me understand wtf was going on.

First and foremost, I wanna say that self diagnosis is absolutely valid. Does that mean you should go around telling people you're officially diagnosed with something? Eh, probably not, but nobody that's asking online is probably a cop, nor has the right to discredit what you suspect to be a genuine issue. People who self diagnose are just looking for an answer and common ground with others. So even if you're wrong, it does not hurt to suspect and seek help for your symptoms in the way someone who is officially diagnosed also would. If you suspect you have something going on, there likely IS something going on. So self diagnosis is not and never will be "bad." I encourage you to keep interacting with those you relate to no matter what.

Second, it's gonna be okay, I promise. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this kind of pain. I'd like to preface that at your age and even now at my ripe old age of 21....I used to cry when getting into the most minor disagreements. I have learned that people who genuinely care about you or want you around will not let the friendship or relationship fall flat over something minor or even major. It's so so important to have self compassion for yourself, even when you act out or start arguments. You need to understand that with bpd, you're triggered by a lot of things people are not and that certain circumstances have led you to react the way you do. And while you're possibly not able to help the fact that you're triggered, apologizing to someone when you do act out IS something you must do to hold on to your relationships. You may also consider whether the conflict is something you're personally okay with mending? Because you should not keep forgiving people who hurt you without considering your feelings or thoughts at all. It will lead to you being more and more triggered.

Give the other person space, is what I'd say. Even if it's scary? I had this issue where I'd force myself to resolve an issue that wasn't ready to be brought back up again ....because I had this urgency of needing to know whether or not they were gonna leave. But it only made things worse unfortunately. You're gonna be okay, I know it fucking stings and hurts like you're gonna die when you don't have the answer to all your questions right away, but giving someone time to think results in an outcome that's better for both(?)

You're also going to be okay if that person decides to leave. I know that sounds so scary and painful, but one person is not your end all be all, even though it absolutely feels like it will be. You learn, you grow, and you WILL meet new people. I never thought I would, and as painful as it is, you DO move on and feel better eventually. You are not better off dead, you just need people around you that'll support you and understand you're struggling. I'm so sorry you're dealing with it all, this young too. It's good that you already suspect something might be up though, the younger you learn about yourself the better. If you can, I'd look into dbt? Or therapy? IF possible (literally sometimes impossible, I know) but you'll be okay.

#this was long as shit and maybe incoherent I'm so sorry I'm on a walk and stopped to sit down on a bench #to answer #I may have also answered late #but if you ever need to please feel free to vent or ask questions in my ask/inbox #I might not get to everything right away but I promise I read it :(

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popcornsalty · 7 months

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c!poke and acheron? Can I get some uhhhh oc lore?? 👀

Imagine if there was a guy who was a d/smp oc self-insert who was a ghost but before that a child solider who shows up in a city state named acheron and forms a brotherly bond with a normal ass guy who's part of the pink catboy party (its election season and they also ran and lost) and gets revived and is a mentally ill teenager and does just the worst shit ever. like just is terrible like online fandoms would HATE her. and sucks at it. and researches anarchist theory. they're cruel to people. they still give her second chances and that's worse to her. she gets choked out at a rebellion meeting by a robot who ends up being one of her most trusted friends. the vice president taught them how to throw knives

and loves so so much. and is helpless to stop any of the terrible things happening to her loved ones and it drives her crazy. they get bisected by a god of war when they really could've avoided it. they traumatized a fallen seraphim. the seraphim's bestie gave her a dragon plushie, and doesn't know the half of it. she's the first person to ever criticize the president to her face. trapped with her rival in an elevator *twice*. fucked up some guy religious imagery style emotionally. she spray paints on rich peoples houses.

she was a dick to the LITERAL incarnation of the minecraft void, and also gave him a spare DS. a living lantern granny taught her how to sew. there was love, it didn't save them too much. their worst enemy was some guy named cunc. they hung out with a friendly mind-reading ghost in a parking lot. they were good friends with the god of friendship because they both liked crocs. she conceptualized her sense of self as being a broken stained glass window

she nearly goes on a spiral of self destruction but ends up leaving with their dead afore mentioned brothers bestie (who ended up emperor after his abusive husband died) who they at one point kidnapped and then promptly regretted so hard they had an entire moral crisis about and well. now they're traveling together on a beautiful vacation arc

whatta guy

#poke post #thats not even the half of it #so sorry to any of my friends who i missed ther was so much lore #technically speakinf if i were to use them anywhere else their name would be cassandra watson but #they will always be c!poke to me #shoutout c!mt they had a mostly normal dynamic which is crazy considering her complexes #ANNNND kookie. that one scene where they hung out lives rent free in my mind #also anyone else think about sometimes how maxi and poke both died got revived came back and never spoke. i do. theyre silly foils to me #oc tag #also 800813 was someone nice to them and i think that meant more then it knew. augg

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livingfictionsystem · 2 months

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So, my adhd/autistic freind has a grandmother with NPD who was extremely abusive towards her family, but i’m worried about my friends ableism towards other people with npd. she’s not met very many but she’s under the very common impression that everyone with npd is an abuser and an asshole, and idk if should get involved because her family was so hurt by someone with npd, but at the same time i’m worried about the way she’d behave if she met another person with npd in the future. do you have any advice?

Oooof.

Sparrow here. I'm sorry about your friend's family, sounds like some real generational trauma going on there.

Anecdotal storytime, sorry if this is rambly.

I did, a couple years ago, have a pretty big grudge against Borderline folks. My most recent abuser, Rowan, had borderline. We were on a pedestal, yknow, until we weren't. Same with my cohost's ex, AJ. A shitty ex-metamor of mine has BPD. I was straight up sick of pwBPD.

I know a lot about psychology but even I had this unfair anecdotal stereotype of someone locking themselves in the bathroom and hating you/needing you until you were stressed enough to give them what they wanted.

I knew *I* had some kinda serious disorder and was looking into bipolar when the highly ironic suggestion of Borderline hit me right in the face. And I mean I was TEXTBOOK, still am. I was in denial for a WHILE. The last thing I wanted was to see any reflection of my abuser in me. And people around me didn't really disparage NPD because they already had Xanthe's glittery, spotlight-hogging, self-aggrandizing self and thought they were p cool, but even people I was close with would take jabs at Bordies and I'd laugh along with them. I kept doing intense research just to prove it wrong in me and ended up proving it more and more right.

Then finally, I saw some positive examples. One of my besties in the outerworld has Borderline. Bojack Horseman, of all things, really helped me accept it in myself. I joined some online support groups. I see how loving we are, how creative, how most of us make fun of our own mood swings and our sui-ideation. How protective we are, how our impulsivity ends up with some really cool experiences and connections.

Now I've accepted it. But it would've been a lot harder of a road if I didn't have positive examples. And yknow Borderline is p much a half sibling to Narcissism.

Xanthe and Jasper were my great examples of NPD. Their hyper-independence, how that manipulative side can be used to talk friends out of spirals or abusive relationships, how they make sure everyone who benefits them has some sort of give-and-take even if they have to pull strings to do it, the intense insecurity and self-loathing under the arrogant facade. And omg are they masters at social chess, which is awesome when my tactless ass is floundering in turmoil and people wanna cancel me by proxy.

It's really only gonna be positive rep that does it for some people. Maybe your friend has a fave character that actually fits the NPD profile. (Alastor from Hazbin gives me NPD vibes p hard tbh.) Tons of creatives have it, like literally being self-absorbed is part of being famous lol. If you've got good examples to work with, it becomes a Lot easier.

Even better if you've got someone willing to poke fun at their disorder and educate. I can also always drop more NPD stories/memes/resources for you to have in your arsenal. And even just educating about other traumagenic disorders like BPD and DID and stuff may help other disorders by proxy, the same logic does apply.

But your friend may never accept it. And that would suck. But people want to blame a set of stereotypes rather than the casual cruelty of the universe. It's up to you whether that becomes a topic that you two just can't talk about or if it ends a friendship tbh.

But yeah sorry for the ramble, I hoped the more raw experience might help the perspective. Lmk if you have any specific scenarios or anything!

-Sparrow 🧷

#narcissistic personality disorder #npd #borderline personality disorder #bpd #stigma #cluster b #ask #psychology nerd to the rescue #anon

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libra-stellium · 2 months

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Pluto in Aquarius - 12H Transit

Reflecting on Friendships

The last time pluto was in aquarius was March 23 - June 11 2023 and during that time was when a friend of 8/9 years ghosted me in early March and I tried to mend things during that 3 month period and the last time we had a conversation was June 10 2023 lol (we did tell each other happy birthday and thank you in Sept and Nov after that but no actual conversation)

Then this year pluto goes into aqua again on Jan 20 2024 and I tell a couple friends about how my TikTok FYP gets sooo many of her reposts about fake friends and hating people who aren’t confrontational and how nobody knows how to communicate lol so I liked one of them and they stopped! Then like 2 weeks later there’s a repost about getting confronted about reposts and how you can’t take anything online seriously 😂 but there’s been 0 reposts since so I think it worked 🤷🏾‍♀️

Then on Jan 29 I had a dream that I was in a groupchat with her and other people who I used to be friends with in college but my friendship with them didn’t make it past that so I guess they ended like 5 years ago? We would sometimes do group things but it quickly died down. They’re all still friends tho I think. Anyway so in this dream one girl sent a longgggggg ass message about all the things she hated about me 💀 (my dreams are always dramatic lmfao) and that girl who ghosted me was hearting the messages within seconds like she was right there when it was written!! Lmao message received!! I don’t think they actually hate me to this extent irl but I’m a Pisces rising so my dreams don’t lie 🤷🏾‍♀️

And this entire week I’ve been thinking about what I actually want out of friendships and that friendship wasn’t bad but it also wasn’t completely what I wanted in a friendship and I think I was holding on for longer than necessary bc nothing had happened between us so why end a friendship you know? And towards the end right before I was like “she ghosted me” I remember thinking why do I feel like I’m begging ? Lmao bc I would type a message and erase it like I felt she wouldn’t care about what I had to say. Which is weird bc I wasn’t saying anything out of the ordinary 😭 and I should’ve listened to that feeling more lol

I definitely want friendships with more care involved. I have a few friends I can have deep conversations with and who didn’t mind listening to me vent to them about what my narc mom was doing to me that week and I let them vent too. But like…while I was going through that no one asked me if I needed anything or if I needed help with anything it was just like yeah that sucks 😕 and that’s it. I was sick recently and one of my friends I told I was sick never responded to my message and then I go on IG two days later to see she’s on vacation with her bf and then she calls me when she gets back a week later and not once asked me if I was feeling better but immediately started talking about a situation with her bf 🙃 like okayyyyyy

So I think that’s def going to be a major Pluto in aqua theme for me. I just need to actually sit down and figure out what I want my friendships to look like.

I feel like I already do for them what I’m looking for so I know I’m not asking for a lot! And I did think about my people pleaser tendencies and it wasn’t even about that like someone sharing an achievement and me going “we should go here to celebrate!” But me sharing an achievement and just getting the congrats text with confetti and if I want to celebrate I gotta say I want to go celebrate let’s go here like 😀 and even for my bday last year I was fresh off no contact with my mom obviously distressed and no one offered any options for my bday when it was less than a week before and I was saying I literally have no idea what to do I’m overwhelmed they just kept asking did you plan it yet? So I ended up just picking a random place for brunch lol but it felt like too much to be like “can someone plan my bday for me?” 💀 my take on it is very if they wanted to they would

It’s 4:44

I think it relates to my family too bc from the way their lives have turned out I have this fear of not having any friends bc they don’t have any friends in their 50s 60s and continuously tell me how lonely it is and to make sure that never happens to me and to make sure I keep all my friends lol no pressure! But tbh the reason they don’t have any friends is bc I don’t think they were friends with those people to begin with they were just in proximity and they did not actually care about each other.

I wonder what’s going to show up between Sept 1 - Nov 19 2024 when Pluto goes back into cap and reenters aqua for the next 20 years bc my bday happens in that gap and there’s always something surrounding my bday!!

#astrology #astro #astro tumblr #learn astrology #astro community #pisces rising #libra stellium #saturn in the 1st house #pluto in the 12th house #pluto in aquarius

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pianostarinwonderland · 1 year

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uhhh so 🤡 this isn’t my usual post. Actually in fact, it’s not even twst related, it’s irl related. I don’t usually like to use this blog for personal matters since I really dedicate this blog to Twst (and Azul). In fact, the most personal I’ve been are either the very few rants I have or wet soppy letters to Azul and those are all still related to Twst. But I don’t really feel like I have a proper space to share this, and it’s one of those things that I feel bad for sharing in a private friend gc.

It’s a long boi so I’m keeping it under the cut. Friends, feel free to message me if you want. Followers, well the most you’ll get out of this is a long diary entry and a snippet of why I’m not as active on the blog as before lol

Anyway so this has been on my mind for a while 🤡 as in, this has been taking up a lot of my energy

I know that it’s possible to be happy without a romantic relationship. I love all the friendships I have, and my best days are always when I’m around friends. I’m learning about the hobbies and activities that make me happy, and I’ve been really thinking about how to make my life fulfilling while I don’t go too broke doing it lmfao

But God. 🤡 It still doesn’t stop me from craving a romantic relationship so badly

Mainly the reason why I don’t choose to share this in any of my friend spaces is because I expect at least one of them to say “but you can live happily with platonic relationships”. Which is true! Again, my happiest times have always been with friends and I love them. But it doesn’t stop me from wanting to love and to be loved in that special way 😭

I’ve been really :// about my love life honestly. Like, ok I was not very outgoing in high school, and I was friends with people who didn’t really care about getting a boyfriend and shit like that. It’s only very recently that I’ve been more social. So yea it definitely makes sense that I never dated anyone

But still, knowing that most of my friends are either in a relationship, in the process of getting into one, or have been in one before but broke up 🥺 it’s like.. they’ve all at least met people who felt something for them mutually. They’ve all enjoyed that romance

And part of me is a bit jealous of that. In fact, when I told friends that I’ve never dated, I’ve gotten gasps because they couldn’t believe I never dated anyone. 😂😂😂

It really doesn’t help that my two sisters have really healthy relationships. One of them, married. The other, still boyfriend and girlfriend but they get along so well. And honest to God, being surrounded by that in the household just makes me feel a bit dejected because fucking shit I want that !!!! Why don’t I have that !!!

At the same time, I don’t wanna get into a relationship for the sake of one. Honestly a big part of why I feel this way is because I don’t really have a best friend 🥹 irl speaking of course. My few besties are all online and I love them to death but God, I want irl besties too. And I want my romantic relationship to be like that too. Just us goofing off, except that I can kiss him at the end of the day.

I can feel myself breaking though in the sense that shit I might one day wake up, say fuck it, and open a Tinder just to satisfy the short term desire for a relationship. I don’t want that for myself because I want to be critical of my relationships. I don’t want a shitty friendship, so why should I want a shitty relationship?

But still I’ve had days that I woke up feeling like that. And it’s really frustrating,,

Pls I’ve also hit points during this year where I thought maybe I should just give up on my love life. The few times I’ve confessed to people, I’ve gotten rejected. One of them even ghosted me 🥲😭 and it’s taken me months to mentally recover from it because I’ve never been ghosted like that (and he was a friend too, so that sucked ass). Right now, I like two guys irl, and now I’m talking to them a bit more often as friends, but I always have that reminder at the back of my head to keep a fair distance because if not, I might jump to confess and next thing I know, I lose friends again because I got vulnerable 🥹🥹🥹

Literally, my anthem right now is Fifty Fifty’s Cupid. I know that romantic relationships are messy, and I know that friendships are already great enough. But I still desire to be loved, I desire to love. I know it’s a waiting game, but I also don’t want to just wait for it. I want to take the opportunities that I can take.

Pls it’s also so funny, I’ve been giving relationship advice and emotional support to some friends, some of which Are in a relationship. I say all my words with a smile but deep inside, I’m like god. Why am I saying all this as if I’ve ever been in a relationship. Why are people even turning to me for this help lol but ok at least i look like i know what to do in a relationship LMAO

So haha anyway LOLLLL my first and hopefully last life update on the blog, I’ll delete it who knows when. But thank you for reading if you made it to this point 😭 and don’t worry too much about me! I’ll be better for sure. Just one of those days that I’m thinking about it hehe

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dearlyjun · 3 months

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Omg I almost hit unfollow instead of talk I WAS LIKE NOOOO!!

Ooooo thats so nice!! Being a Multistan is great until you become broke! My first kpop group was Exo I remember Watching Monster and looking at Baekyun and being like who is this man and why is he so pretty!! Ngl I hid the fact that I was into kpop when I was in High school because it is so much more accepted now than back in like 2016! I remember one time in my AP Econ class I was sitting down and my school played a minute of a song before the bell rang and they played TT by twice and this guy behind me says "just like tt" AND I TURNED SO FAST!! I was like this isnt happening! we were both so shocked to find out the other was into kpop.

I am ENFJ from my last test result I took one last year!

I SAW A TT today and it was people making fun of californians because were all freezing our asses off rn! I really need to buy warmer clothing. I say this but I slept in shorts and a t shirt with the fan on last night....I KNOWW. I dont think I would enjoy driving in the snow that much. I feel like I would be stressed 24/7.

Japan is soooo nicee ive always wanted to visit!!

I saw your post about online schooling and let me tell you Ive always hated it. It feels so weird and you cant meet anyone and its lonely!!

Oh my god IM SORRY I TALK A LOT

ang please I love talking whether that’s to other people or just to myself so please I don’t mind!! 😭 (also hope if it’s okay if I call you a million variations of your name / nicknames because I do that lol)

ah I have actually known about seventeen since their debut in 2015 but I didn’t become a carat until 2022. weird shit. and I liked bts a teensy bit in 2019 when mots: persona came out but again….stopped listening. then the kpop stan came full force in april 2022. maybe it’s a good thing I wasn’t a kpop stan back in the day bc the pain of not seeing concerts sucks real bad. I actually don’t have any kpop stan besties irl, I’ve just converted my sister 🤠 she likes most of the same groups as me, just not the girl groups. (well she’s a casual newjeans listener)

I don’t even know what the weather is like in cali lol but I guess your cold is different from my cold. it’s like 35° here and I just went to the gym in a hoodie and a winter vest. we’re actually about to get some snow I think….grrrr😠 and yeh driving in it sucks. I’ve driven in snow storms so bad that you have to like sit up and drive in silence the whole way because you have to lock in.

since im going into the automotive industry, my mom has big hopes for me to work in Japan someday. even if its just temporary like a year or so. Im hoping after I graduate college i can travel there for fun and “plant the seeds.” BUT!! I have to learn some of the language first. im too sporadic with it and really need to buckle down.

yeah…..im a lonely girly lately. it’s really getting to me. I’m in my second to last semester of school and doing everything all online is just so very sad. I yearn for friendships.

#ash replies #angie ☆

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