i knew there was a likelihood one of these days, and it looks like today was it, when my body would utterly ignore the signals of tiredness to stay up and watch critical role for like 20 hours (not consecutively of course, i make sure to get up every once in a while for a chore and stuff otherwise my ass would permanently deflate)
i obviously am loving it, but, its uh. certainly re-reminding me that im complete shit at choosing my coping mechanisms. because the reason i love it is for all the things i experience vicariously through the players who have what i dont. a tight knit group of friends. time spent together to goof off and share little victories and failures and whatnot. incredible emotional connection. great hair. yknow. its very fun to sit here and watch all that happening, i dont regret it or anything. i just. become bleakly and soberly aware of how fucked my own life is for every day that i tuck into my laptop to absorb any amount of the joy of other peoples camaraderie. while spending no time founding sources of joy from within me
but if theres anything in that to feel positive about, its the fact that im well assured that i want those things now. friends, shared time, emotions, (hair care), these are all attainable goals. i can visualize and look forward to them. im running out of time for a lot of things but i have years and years to build a joy like the one that i currently can only glean from others
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