#or ''this is why bi lesbian is bullshit'' grow up

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen! i’ve been following you for a very long time, and i haven’t considered myself lgbt in any way (i just think you’re the coolest), but i’ve had a bit of a strange experience this year — i seemingly fell completely in love with this friend of mine, this strong and kind and beautiful woman. we’ve always had a very close and special friendship, and she’s basically everything i’ve ever wanted. like i said i’ve never felt something for another woman before, but she makes me feel really special. she makes me feel like i’ve never felt before. and it’s kind of been weighing on me, because the experience of loving her has been so much more enormously positive and joyous for me than the experience of loving any man i have in the past. and it makes me feel kind of comfortable to love her and be a woman with her. so i feel conflicted. obviously i know i don’t have to (or can’t?) redefine my whole identity because of this one experience, but it feels so special and different and right

Hi. I know our culture ( including the LGBT+ culture) pushes this notion that we must pick one and go crazy with it. Get the tattoos, hang up a flag, wear all the shirts. It seems everyone if very keen on making sure everyone has a tight grasp on their sexuality and must them immediately and head first dive into whatever they perceive as that "community".

The real facts are, humans are complex but in a world less full of constant information about sexuality and attraction and whatever other kind of boxes people seem to NEED us to fit perfectly in, sexuality would be simple. We would grow, learn, experience things and eventually understand what fulfills us and who we are truly sexually and emotionally able to bond with in a meaningful way.

Some of us figure it out early. Perhaps we can push aside the noise or we had good role models who gave us space to explore while setting healthy examples. Some of us just need experience and time. Others go through life not really caring to name their sexuality beyond the moment or relationships they are currently experiencing.

Being a lesbian I can't speak for or understand bisexuality except knowing that I have a firm sexuality and know understand who I am attracted to and why. So my best guess is any sexuality is like that, straight, bi, gay etc. It takes time and life experience to figure things out and bisexuality is often sort of either placed as a blanket on people as in "all people are a little bisexual"--(They ARE NOT) or " if you are bisexual you are probably just gay". Both bullshit information that is out there more than it deserves to be. SO hearing those things women who meet another woman who piques her interest think "I am straight, it is just this one time and it probably isn't real" OR " was i wrong all these years about men and I am really a lesbian". Being bisexual is lovely and powerful because you get to explore both sides of the human experience in a meaningful way.Being attracted to men and women should be celebrated as a unique way of experiencing the world.

Bisexuality is a real thing, Even if it is one special woman that wakes up that feeling and it never happens beyond that, enjoy that emotion and connection. You can decide if you would like to be "out" or not on either side of that relationship. It is up to you.

I hear later in life lesbians say similar things to what you say and there is a push in our society to be straight because that is the default, the majority of people are straight. It is up to you if you want to weigh the connection you have had to men and how you feel about this woman and decide if you past relationships were more based on what you though you were supposed to be doing and less informed by your true attraction and needs. In retrospect you might realize that all along your "attraction" to men was superficial, a duty or role you thought you had. It is okay to explore that. Don't worry to much about either label and it is okay to be wrong.

I believe it is not our sexuality is not what changes but, with time and experiences, our understanding of it does.

#lesbian #bi woman #sexuality

[pussyistheforbiddenfruit]

This is why I can't trust myself to date bi women anymore, I really wanted to but from what I have seen both in real life and online they don't take their same sex attracted side seriously and I honestly wanted to believe when they said they did, but their actions contradict their words. There are even statistics that prove this shit.

All of the bi women I met in real life ended up with men they were the ones who tried to convince that I'm "not really" a lesbian alongside the hetero women in my life and as a young lesbian in hurt like hell especially when it comes from loved ones. Shit even my ex bisexual girlfriend told me that i wasnt actually gay and i'll grow out of it too like wtf?

Why are so many ppl convinced of the existence of biphobic lesbians but not homophobic bisexuals? if one can exists so can the other. So why you guys get to talk about mean biphobic lesbians but we can't about you guys? Your the ones who pretend to be lesbians and sleep with dudes, your the ones who are "ex lesbian christians" , you the ones who are the unicorn hunters and so much bullshit but we can't talk about it?? Why the hell not? Lesbians have every right to call it out.

Also stop blaming "straight" and bi curious women for this shit when it's clearly you guys doing this shit too, jesus christ.

#lesbian #bi women #lgbt #bihet

[pineapplerightsideupcake]

hello im on anon bc im new to radblr and im a crypto but just wanted to say thank you for standing up for bisexuals on this blog. idk why but for some reason i expected radblr to have better opinions on bi women than the whole ‘sexually promiscuous bihet’ and ‘traitor for being osa’ and ‘more privileged than homosexuals’ bullshit that everybody else spews. the alphabet cult is actively erasing us in favor of ‘trans inclusive labels’, radblr is invalidating us by blatantly ignoring so many bi women’s experience with sexuality. the biphobia here is almost worse than any offhanded comment ive heard from a straight person. i also don’t think many understand that some women know they’re bi and are confident in that, but others may use bi during a time when theyre unsure if they’re actually attracted to men. ive gone a few of my teenage years acknowledging to myself that im bi, but now in my 20s im questioning if i ever truly felt attracted to men. the things i feel sexually in my most recent relationship with a woman are things ive never felt or even imagined were possible when ‘crushing’ on a guy. i acknowledge that *some* men are aesthetically pleasing for me to look at, but i’m also penis repulsed and always have been. theres nothing sexy to me about penis. truly. it makes me ill thinking about it. and that is confusing for me, bc seeing so many lesbians on here say how sure theyve been about liking women makes me think they did not grow up in an area like i did where homosexuality was truly thought of as demonic, even by the most ‘liberal’ people. i had no idea ssa was normal until i was probably 12 or 13 years old, and before then i just. repressed those feelings. i still did until i was about 17 and fully admitted to myself that ‘hey, i like girls’.

also i didn’t even know what the ‘comphet masterdoc’ was until exploring radblr, but i had heard comphet before and felt that it was very accurate in describing how i feel about men. idk anything abt what’s on the doc. regardless of my ‘true’ sexuality, it feels like theres a very hostile attitude towards bisexuality here, or even someone saying ‘ive tried to have a crush on guys before but only feel sexually/romantically attracted to women’ is met with ‘if youve even THOUGHT about having sex with a man then youre not a lesbian.’ no room for nuance.

sorry for the rant in your inbox, i hope this is okay. but yeah. thank you for being open about bisexuals here and standing up for them.

Thank you! I realized a while ago that radblr had a lot of issues that need to be challenged but I’ve also come to appreciate why these issues occur.

At the end of the day, almost nowhere allows women to speak this freely. Lesbians have had even their online communities absolutely destroyed by the TQ. So more than a few lesbian women on here really don’t want to talk to or about non lesbian women. And I think they’d be happier if they created a separate space for themselves on here where they didn’t feel pressured to, which I think is where a ton of this negativity comes from.

Bisexual women also need to stop offering themselves up as social sacrifices. I see a lot of the anti bi stuff come from bi women themselves sadly. A lot of women on radblr never unlearned that deeply unhelpful ID pol hierarchy from their TRA days.

As for your own personal journey, don’t let other people’s pain, no matter how legitimate, compound your own pain. The way I navigated my sexuality was I called myself a lesbian in my head because men did repulsed me. But it felt like a lie. I’d see a handsome dude jogging and feel a pang of attraction. Men still crept into my fantasies. I have zero desire to sleep with or date men. But that’s got nothing to do with my attraction to them. It’s a conscious personal choice I’ve made for my own happiness and safety.

So call yourself a lesbian just inside your head. Do it everyday. Look in the mirror and say “I am a lesbian” and if after a few months that feels like a lie then you’re bisexual and that’s amazing! If it feels like coming home, if everyday it feels more true, then you’re a lesbian and that’s amazing!

Please love yourself no matter what 💛

#radical feminism #radical feminist community #radical feminist safe #radical feminists do interact #radical feminists do touch #radblr #radical feminists please interact

[dykelawlight]

How would Female L, Light, Mikami, Matsuda, Soichiro, and Mogi be?

Well babe you sure came to the right place with this one!!! I've obviously written fic that provides some of my opinions re L/Light/Mikami as women but I sure am happy to extrapolate

L

I see female L as like. A lesbian who's lazily gnc. Like she's not "doing" butchness but she's also not "doing" anything, she's just existing. She doesn't shave, she keeps her hair fairly short, she wears men's clothes because they're significantly more comfortable. She wants to do whatever takes up the least of her time and makes it easiest for her to think clearly. I think of anybody she's the one who would change the least from her canon personality if she were written as a woman, because I think she would have gender roles inflicted upon her much less harshly, being that she didn't grow up in Japan and was raised to be first and foremost a supergenius, not a Woman™ who happens to be smart.

Light

I could write about female Light for DAYYYYYYSSSS (and indeed I have; see this post about butch Light I wrote before I made this blog). I see Light as a butch lesbian who gets through life experiencing minimal social punishment for that due to the fact that she's perceived as prioritizing intelligence over appearance and following in her father's footsteps, even though I actually think she's extremely particular and even a little obsessive about how she looks/presents herself socially. I think she's had to combat a lot of bullshit attitudes about what women are "supposed" to be doing in order to rise to the top of the nation academically and be taken even a little bit seriously, but I also think she has a "not like other girls" streak a mile wide and generally considers other women to be stupid and not worth her time. Strongly prefers the company of men except in romantic contexts (as much as she "prefers" anybody, because she's still a total misanthrope who thinks most other people are fucking morons) and hardly has a lot of girlfriends. She has more respect for other butches than for feminine women, but does not have butch friends and is not involved in the broader LGBT community.

I actually don't think she's explicitly out as a lesbian for years and years, maybe even until post-timeskip, because she recognizes that there's a greater disadvantage to openly being gay than to being a woman who is masculine in appearance but ostensibly heterosexual. I think she dates a lot of random smart & successful but very boring boys/men in high school/college before she sort of drops out of the public sphere entirely when she starts living in the task force building. I think it makes her crazy insane that L simply does not think about her appearance very much and successfully just coasts on her intellect without ever being questioned about why she isn't a "girl" the way Light has been from time to time throughout her life.

Mikami

I think Light and Mikami are very similar as women, but Mikami lacks the social insulation that Light gets from her father's job/her class position. Mikami is consciously "doing" masculinity in the same way Light is, but has to fight a lot harder than Light does to be taken seriously in her field because she doesn't have the built-in advantage of being constantly positively compared to a successful man in her family. I think she was a tomboyish child and the bullying she canonically experienced in school had a lesbophobic edge, which made her mother's failure to support her that much more painful (but simultaneously less of a disappointment, because she never expected her mother would want her to be gay/masculine). That said, the higher she rises in the legal/law enforcement field, the easier it becomes to command respect. By the time she's a serious attorney in the public prosecutor's office post-timeskip, she receives very little bullshit from colleagues/other people and has developed a sufficiently imperious front to ward it off.

Matsuda

I think Matsuda is a little bit more serious/defensive of herself as a police officer than she is canonically if she's written as a woman. Obviously this doesn't eliminate her sort of klutzy cringefail personality, but I think she's much more self-conscious about it because the law enforcement field is so male-dominated and she's already given so much less respect than her peers. I think she takes personal offense to L's like "Matsuda grab me a coffee" bullshit because she already gets assumed to be, like, a receptionist or something on a daily basis. She's young-looking for her age and fairly feminine but not excessively so — think Naomi Misora's canon appearance. I think she's also much more protective of Misa when she's pretending to be her manager and leans more heavily into the idea of maintaining Misa's virtue and modesty and shit when Yotsuba slimeballs et al. make passes at her. She thinks Light and Misa's relationship is adorable and is completely, 100% oblivious to the fact that they're fucking. Like I'm not completely sure that she knows lesbians are real.

Soichiro

I can only imagine Soichiro as straight lmao like I think it's necessary for her to be doing heterosexuality at least mostly "correctly" in order for Light to get by unscathed as a butch lesbian. Therefore I'm imagining her as this sort of austere older woman who beat the odds and is maybe the first/only woman to have achieved her rank on the force. I can't decide if this means that male Sachiko is like a stay-at-home dad that Soichiro gets "playfully" ribbed (i.e. literally lightly scolded) at work for "emasculating," or if Light and Sayu have a very different childhood as children of a dual-income household whose mom isn't home much. Either way, I think Light still idolizes her, but there's a different dimension to it being that she's the first woman who's gotten as far as she has on the Tokyo police force. I think Light sets her sights more clearly on being a cop or a prosecutor in this scenario and wants to equal and surpass her mom's achievements, even though Light generally doesn't otherwise give a fuck about women who are the "first woman" to do anything. (She's like [redditor voice] Um I actually don't see why gender matters in this scenario. Sad that some of you are so sexist that you think women should be applauded for doing the same things men do. 🙄)

Mogi

Mogi would be so hot as a butch dyke that I got dizzy attempting to type this out. That said, I think she's the kind of butch Light is inclined to avoid; she's this big-boned, kind of working-class woman and Light thinks she's above all that, because Light sucks.

Alternatively, if she was straight, I think she would have trouble being perceived as genuinely "feminine" because she's strong as hell and has kind of naturally masculine features. I think she experiences some of the same professional problems a female Matsuda would but for different reasons; Matsuda is this cute young girl who clearly has no business being a police officer, but Mogi is sort of met with the attitude that she's a cop because no other job would take a woman who looks like her. I think she's used to being insulted and takes it in stride but is still privately pissed off about it. People are always kind of rudely surprised that she has a boyfriend and that they live together. That said I think she's still quite kind and good-hearted the way she canonically is and is similarly protective of Misa in the way Matsuda is.

[olderthannetfic]

Re: Heart stopper... I'm tired. Very tired. The author is on the ace spectrum and also creating content and representation that she and people like her never had growing up. You can be gay and not have sex, bi and not have sex. Seems like people are shitting on the show without watching it. Not to mention the straights tend to hypersexualise queer people and I see the adorable show about queer kids that doesn't focus on sex and I think it's a shame it wasn't around when I was a kid, and I recognize that getting it made it needed to appeal to the straight audience as much as the queer audience. SMH why are people shitting all over a cute show about kids in school being themselves?

--

"The straights hypersexualize gay guys" is the refrain of assholes whining about BL. You won't find much sympathy for that attitude on my blog.

Actual straight culture does tend to treat bi women as nympho fantasies for porno movies and lesbians as fake, but guys are either predators or neutered. There is nothing revolutionary about queer media that keeps queer sex safely offscreen to not offend anyone.

It's nice that more queer shows for young people exist, including the low heat ones. That's a net positive, and I'm glad to see it, but "adorable" does not equate to the amount of sex in a show in either direction.

People are pissed about this show because it has brought all the douchebags out of the woodwork. I don't care about the show one way or the other. It sounds fine. I do care about all the revolting anti-queer-sex bullshit I see around me.

[angelkittycore]

not to invite discourse but after i've been on tumblr solely for a few months after leaving twitter i've sorta let go of a lot of things that i was vehemently against and my opinion HAS shifted a bit.

(just saying straight away that you're welcome to engage with me on this topic but i am not seeking to incite arguments, fighting, or heated debate whatsoever and you're not likely to get me to change my mind on this. also if you're going to yell at me for using the term monosexuality please shut up and stay in your lane. if your first thought to reading that word is "bisexuals are being homophobic" then you have a biphobia issue.)

so it's not that bi lesbians/gays don't exist, i think their experiences are very much real. it's just the choice of contradictory labels, and the inherent biphobia, lesbiphobia, and taking self-autonomy from both bisexual men and women by attributing our entire bi rights movement to being a product of terf lesbian separatists, that i have a problem with.

terfs/political lesbians/gold star lesbians did spur an exodus of bisexual women from the umbrella of lesbian, but what came after was all us. and i both feel and think that it was a natural evolution of the communities because bisexuality is more than just women who love women and men, it's also men who love men and women. and nonbinary, abinary, trans, cisn't, gnc, and whatever else. (not to say that the last few aren't also included in monosexuality but i'm talking about bisexuality here.)

attributing the fight for our rights and voices to be heard solely to terfs is ahistorical and insulting. the want to be seen as a whole, valid, separate identity and community than both lesbian and gay has absolutely 0 to do with terfism and similarly aligned political bullshit (such as fascism/white supremacy/plain ol transphobia.)

wanting to go back to lesbian being an umbrella term for all lesbians and bi women feels way too traditionalist and downright conservative (in terms of the literal meaning of the word) for the lgbt/queer community. it's not about challenging cishetalloamatonormativity by simply existing or being unapologetically queer in a word that wants to stamp us out violently in this regard, it's wanting to reclaim a space and label that is no longer theirs because they feel entitled to do so.

to me, lgbt/queer progress is about growing and changing, and adapting to the world, and thriving in spite, and despite it all. and not clinging to relics of the past, however recent or not it was. as some examples, the meaning of asexuality has changed from its original coining. same as bisexual, and pansexual has gone through it's fair share of bullshit as well. why can't and why shouldn't lesbian do the same? however i do not feel that a change backwards is a change for the better.

as an another example, lesbian also used to mean homosexual women exclusively attracted to homosexual women but now it includes every flavor of nonbinary you can think of, who may or may not be women, women aligned, or even feminine at all.

lesbian no longer includes bisexuality under it and that should be okay. lesbian is a monosexual label, and that's okay. you do not experience bisexuality by also being attracted to similar/same genders, regardless of binary or nonbinary umbrella. because bisexuality, inherently, means attraction to similar/same AND opposite/different genders. (note, my descriptions here also includes xenogenders, alternative alignment systems, etc. it's up to the individual if they want to be included in any attraction, including lesbian, gay, bisexual+, and straight. grouping a wider group under lesbian attraction just because they are nonbinary is inventing a trinary and misgendering at worst.)

on the reverse, having a preference, however strong, does not make you a lesbian, or a monosexual gay. you are still experiencing bisexuality, you just have a preference. that is all. not everybody is bisexual, and not everybody is monosexual, and that's okay.

(should also note that comphet doesn't make a lesbian bisexual.. that's comphet.)

anyway tl;dr i think the language, terms, and labels you use you justify your valid experiences is.. not great, to put it politely, lol. i think your insistence that you should be able to call yourself bisexual or a lesbian when you're the other has problems stemming from misunderstanding both labels and attractions, and misunderstanding what exactly nonbinary is. i've also seen definitions of bisexual lesbians that say they are bisexual because they are also attracted to trans women which is.. do i have to say it?

anyway bisexual is not a dirty word or attraction. bi is beautiful, and the convoluted ways people try to get out of identifying as bisexual or solely as bisexual (if they are allo) is internal biphobia, which is not something to celebrate or be proud of. you should work through it.

#replies only so i can control who engages with me

[golbrocklovely]

I cannot tell you how much it hurts my heart to read your feelings about your mom. I lost a very close relationship with my brother because of the extreme right lies and trump crap. I don't think i have spoken to him in a year outside of birthday and holiday wishes. As a mom of 4, ages 16 to 23, I have 1 that has come out as bi, 1 as a lesbian, 1 is straight and my oldest says labels are for soup cans. I'm not your momma, and I wouldn't want to budge in where I don't belong, but I am proud of you. You are a hard working, sweet, intelligent young lady who genuinely cares about others feelings. I have seen posts from you where you could've dived into the mud and dragged people and you don't do that. You take the high road. You are patient with repeated questions and still answer each one no matter how many times they come up. I have yet to see you make someone feel stupid. In times like now, these characteristics are rare. Most people don't want to show they care at all. Being bi is just part of it. I wish I could tell you it will definitely get better and your mother will come to her senses, but it could take a long time or never happen at all. But she could have an epiphany. I admit I rage verbally at the news, sometimes I rant and rave like a mad woman. but I don't think politicians, the government and the church have the right to decide how human a person is. I know you didn't ask for all this, that you were venting. But I hear you. And I accept everything about you.

thank you so much for this ask. your kind words made me tear up. i appreciate you reaching out to me to say all of this. it's nice to see something like this unexpectedly.

i will say outside of politics, my mom and i get along really well. she's been my best friend since i was a kid, even more so now since i don't have any physical friends. it's just when it comes to politics we do not agree AT ALL. which is why i do my best to remind her every time she starts to talk about politics that i just don't want to hear bc it just becomes a screaming match.

i just wish at times i knew how to debate better, or had all the facts. bc i usually just get too angry to even speak and just have to walk away bc i don't want to scream at my mom. and she likes to act like she knows everything and that i know so little when in reality i'm paying attention to the news just as much as her, the difference is i just don't watch fox news and don't listen to whatever bullshit they're trying to make ppl angry about now.

i will say my saving grace is that while my mom is republican and likes trump, she isn't a maga person. she's not all about him, and she's not devoted to him like some of his followers are. she's just a somewhat-conservative, republican. she isn't into qan*n and all that shit, thank god. she's mostly level headed, she just…. watches way too much fox news. and i do also have the benefit of my brother, who is very good at debating and is on my side for the most part. i wouldn't say he's a leftist like me, but he doesn't agree with her and ngl i kinda always love hearing them debate bc he says all the shit i wish i knew how to word. he points out a lot of her hypocrisies.

as i mentioned in the tags of my post, i think once my father passed away, her jadedness for life just... grew. i think she lost a lot of her empathy for ppl when he died since that was her soulmate. and it breaks my heart to see her change like this, but i understand her hurt. she was like this too back when her father passed away, but i was four or five when this happened, so i never noticed. but her and my dad talked about it before as i got older and how she just stopped caring for a while. so i'm kinda hoping things will swing back around eventually.

and growing up, i had a really good home life. a safe one too, which i know a lot of ppl (and a lot of my ex-friends) couldn't say the same so i'm grateful for my parents. my mom had a really hard life, and life hasn't been easy for us in a very long time. i get her frustration, i get her anger. however, she's taking it out on the wrong ppl and it's just easier to punch down than up. so i try my best to give her the empathy she doesn't give others anymore.

my life hasn't been easy either. i've had depression and anxiety since i was 13, and have tried to end my life twice. all the financial struggles my family has had i have had. but i think what sets me apart from my mom is that i don't want to be angry. i don't want to hold onto that stuff the rest of my life. i know i won't make it if i do. the pain and anguish i've dealt with makes me understand ppl, not wish others feel the same as me. i don't want ppl to suffer like i have. and i don't want to grow envious of those that have it easier than me.

one of the worst things she ever told me growing up was "once you get older, you'll understand how the real world works. you'll be just as jaded as me and your father." and i made a promise to myself that would never happen. and so far i'm sticking to it. i just find it strange that the ppl, the person, that taught me to be kind isn't kind anymore. or at least is decidedly kind, which is almost worse in my opinion.

(and as i said in my previous post i don't feel unsafe to come out, i just don't want to deal with the hassle of having to explain myself. i'm a grown adult, if i want to fuck somebody and that somebody is a woman, or even identifies as something else entirely, it really doesn't matter what my mom has to say about it. i'm not a teenager anymore hoping my mom approves. tbh i just want her to know and to accept it as normal so if it ever happens it's not breaking news lol)

#ask #personal

[mishafletcher]

Are you a Gold Star lesbian? (Just in case you don't know what it means, a Gold Star lesbian is a lesbian that has never had the sex with a guy and would never have any intentions of ever doing so)

So I got this ask a while ago, and I've been lowkey thinking about it ever since.

First: No. I am a queer, cranky dyke who is too old for this sort of bullshit gatekeeping. 

Second: What an unbelievable question to ask someone you don't even know! What an incomprehensibly rude thing to ask, as if you're somehow owed information about my sexual history. You're not! No one—and I can't reiterate this enough, but no one—owes you the details of their sex lives, of their trauma, or of anything about themselves that they don't feel like sharing with you.

The clickbait mills of the internet and the purity police of social media would like nothing more than to convince everyone that you owe these things to everyone. They would like you to believe that you have to prove that you're traumatized enough to identify with this character, that you can't sell this article about campus rape without relating it to your own sexual assault, that you can't talk about queer issues without offering up a comprehensive history of your own experiences, and none of those things are true. You owe people, and especially random strangers on the internet, nothing, least of all citations to somehow prove to them that you have the right to talk about your own life.

This makes some people uncomfortable, and to be clear, I think that that's good: people who feel entitled to demand this information should be uncomfortable. Refusing to justify yourself takes power away from people who would very much like to have it, people who would like to gatekeep and dictate who is permitted to speak about what topics or like what things. You don't have to justify yourself. You don't have to explain that you like this ship because this one character reminds you a bit of yourself because you were traumatized in a vaguely similar way and now— You don't have to justify your queerness by telling people about the best friend you had when you were twelve, and how you kissed, and she laughed and said it was good practice for when she would kiss boys and your stomach twisted and your mouth tasted like bile and she was the first and last girl you kissed, but— 

You don't owe anyone these pieces of yourself. They're yours, and you can share them or not, but if someone demands that you share, they're probably not someone you should trust.

Third: The idea of gold star lesbians is a profoundly bi- and trans- phobic idea, often reducing gender to genitals and the long, shared history of queer women of all identities to a stark, artificial divide where some identities are seen as purer or more valuable than others. This is bullshit on all counts.

There's a weird and largely artificial division between bisexuals and lesbians that seems to be intensifying on tumblr, and I have to say: I hate it. Bisexual women aren't failed lesbians. They're not somehow less good or less valid because they're attracted to [checks notes] people. Do you think that having sex with a man somehow changes them? What are you so worried about it for? I've checked, and having sex with a man does not, in fact, make your vagina grow teeth or tentacles. Does that make you feel better? Why is what other people are doing so threatening to you?

Discussions of gold star lesbians are often filled with tittering about hehe penises, which is unfortunate, since I know a fair few lesbians who have penises, and even more lesbians who've had sex with people, men and women alike, who have penises. I'm sorry to report that "I'm disgusted by a standard-issue human body part" is neither a personality nor anything to be proud of. I'm a dyke and I don't especially like men, but dicks are just dicks. You don't have to be interested in them, but a lot of people have them, and it doesn't make you less of a lesbian to have sex with someone who has a dick.

There's so much garbage happening in the world—maybe you haven't noticed, but things are kind of Not Great in a lot of places, and there's a whole pandemic thing that's been sort of a major buzzkill? How is this something that you're worried about? Make a tea, remind yourself that other people's genitalia and sexual history are none of your business, maybe go watch a video about a cute animal or something. 

Fourth: The idea of gold star lesbians is a shitty premise that argues that sexuality is better if it's always been clear-cut and straightforward—but it rarely is. We live in a very, very heterosexist culture. I didn’t have a word for lesbian until many years after I knew that I was one. How can you say that you are something when your mouth can’t even make the shape of it? The person you are at 24 is different to the person you are at 14, and 34, and 74. You change. You get braver. The world gets wider. You learn to see possibilities in the shadows you used to overlook. Of course people learn more about themselves as they age.

Also, many of us, especially those of us who grew up in smaller towns, or who are over the age of, say, 25, grew up in times and places where our sexuality was literally criminal.

Shortly after I graduated high school, a gay man in my state was sentenced to six months in jail. Why? Well, he’d hit on someone, and it was a misdemeanor to "solicit homosexual or lesbian activity", which included expressing romantic or sexual interest in someone who didn’t reciprocate. You might think, then, that I am in fact quite old, but you would be mistaken. The conviction was in 1999; it was overturned in 2002.

I grew up knowing this: the wrong thing said to the wrong person would be sufficient reason to charge me with a crime.

In the United States, the Defense of Marriage Act was passed in 1996, clarifying that according to the federal government, marriage could only ever be between one man and one woman. It also promised that even if a state were to legalize same-sex unions, other states wouldn't have to recognize them if they didn't want to. And wow, they super did not want to, because between 1998 and 2012, a whopping thirty states had approved some sort of amendment banning same-sex marriage.

Every queer person who's older than about 25 watched this, knowing that this was aimed at people like them. Knowing that these votes were cast by their friends and their families and their teachers and their employers. 

Some states were worse than others. Ohio passed their bill in 2004 with 62% approval. Mississippi passed theirs the same year with 86% approval. Imagine sitting in a classroom, or at work, or in a church, or at a family dinner, and knowing that statistically, at least two out of every three people in that room felt you shouldn't be allowed to marry someone you loved.

Matthew Shepard was tortured to death in October of 1998. For being gay, for (maybe) hitting on one of the men who had planned to merely rob him. Instead, he was tortured and left to die, tied to a barbed wire fence. His murderers were both sentenced to two consecutive life terms in prison. This was controversial, because a nonzero number of people felt that Shepard had brought it upon himself.

Many of us sat at dinner tables and listened to this discussion, one that told us, over and over, that we were fundamentally wrong, fundamentally undeserving of love or sympathy or of life itself.

This is a tiny, tiny sliver of history—a staggeringly incomplete overview of what happened in the US over about ten years. Even if this tiny sliver is all that there were, looking at this, how could you blame someone for wanting to try being not Like This? How can you fault someone who had sex, maybe even had a bunch of sex, hoping desperately that maybe they could be normal enough to be loved if they just tried harder? How can you say that someone who found themself an uninteresting but inoffensive boyfriend and went on dates and had sex and said that it was fine is somehow less valuable or less queer or less of a lesbian for doing so? For many people, even now, passing as straight, as problematic as that term is, is a survival skill. How dare you imply that the things that someone did to protect themself make them worth less? They survived, and that's worth literally everything.

Fifth, finally: What is a gold star, anyhow? You've capitalized it, like it's Weighty and Important, but it's not. Gold stars were what your most generous grade school teacher put on spelling tests that you did really well on. But ultimately, gold stars are just shiny scraps of paper. They don't have any inherent value: I can buy a thousand of them for five bucks and have them at my door tomorrow. They have only the meaning that we give them, only the importance that we give them. We’re not children desperately scrabbling for a teacher’s approval anymore, though. We understand that good and bad are more of a spectrum than a binary, and that a gold star is a simplification. We understand that no number of gold stars will make us feel like we’re special enough or good enough or important enough, or fix the broken places we can still feel inside ourselves. Only we can do that.

The stars are only shiny scraps of paper. They offer us nothing; we don’t need them. I hope that someday, you see that, too. 

#queer stuff #lgbtq #gold star lesbians #long post #sorry #Anonymous

[sissyjamieray]

My journey into feminization how did it begin? It is difficult to pin point a specific age, but I would guess I was about 11 years old. Yes, confused by sexual urges and excitement when looking at pictures of pretty girls in magazine ads wearing only panties and bras. Mmm, then 'borrowing' intimate female garments and wearing them. Feelng the overwhelming rush of pleasure and my first orgasm while wearing female clothing. Through the years I've tried to suppress this urges to dress as a woman. Being married was so frustrating as my wife left her intimate garments all over the house. It was like being in a candy store: bras, panties, lingerie all within reach. Unable to resist I would carefully try on bra or nightie when she was out shopping. At one point she mentioned something about one nightie being worn out in the "wrong" places. But she never questioned me. After all why would her man be turned on by wearing panties? Looking back she was very smart, she knew better than to confront me head on, lol. She knew I would not admit it or make up some bullshit story. She was very subtle, one night after making love she asked me if I had any sexual fantasies, my response was no love, none that I can think of. Another time she make the following comment, " I wish I had something to poke you with". Wow, she was so close. I was a bit stunted, didn't have a good response, lol. Several months later during our forplay love making she starts licking my nipples, omg, wtf!! Do you like it she says, with her hand on my growing manhood there was no escape, no denial. You like it don't you? I said yes, grasping for air and moaning as she began to rub the tip of my cock with her finger while continuing to lick and suck on my nipples. Then she slid her hand below my balls and started stroking and messaging the area just above my ass hole. After five minutes or this action she get up, pulls off her soaked panties then leans towards me with panties in hand and whispers in my ear, ' guess what I found in your bag Jim?' I found at least 10 pairs of my panties Jim, wtf all stained with your cum! "So you like to jerk off and cum in my panties, really?" What could I say but yes. I tried to explain why but she was upset? She then took her wet panties wrapped them around my almost limp manhood and said show me how you like you jerk off im my panties! I was so embarrassed, but I was wrong to have taken her things, this was my punishment, Yes? I reached down and started stroking my cock but it was very limp by now, I could not get hard. She saw my problem and whispers in my ear, "what's the problem, sissy panty boy, can't jerk off in front of your hot sexy wife? never touch my things again!, if you do, you will never fuck or cum inside me again. Do you understand me? Yes, hon I understand, good. Now where are my panties, Uh where you put them dear, yes they are yours now. Uh, keep them clean and if you wear these out (giggle) we will go out together and buy you more. Yes, I'll let the pretty sales lady know my size and yours (giggle). One more thing, when we make love, make sure you are wearing a clean pair of lacy pink panties. You are my panty boy husband now (giggle). I guess you better learn to get excited and hard while wearing female panties or you will never fuck me again (giggle): panty boy. Next day I after work I set out the task of hand washing 'my' panties in hope of getting lucky later that evening. Ok, hot water and some laundry soap and a 15 minutes soak, rinse and then toss into the dryer should to the trick right? Right before we went to bed I quickly grabbed my panties and climbed into bed. My wife had been observing my laundry duties activities that evening and I assumed we were cool. My hopes of an evening of

having sex where dashed when she turned the lights on stating: it's panty check time, stand up and let examine your feeble attempts to clean these! Ok, I can still see your nasty stains, what temperature did you wash these in? Hot I relied, she laughed, you idiot you should have used cold, as now you've 'set' the stain and ruined a pretty pair of panties. Oh well I guess we will have to go panty shopping tomorrow. Maybe Victoria's Secret? I understand Nancy, your friend Mike's wife just started working there (giggle), maybe she can let us use her discount? She then put her hand on my softening member and said, 'well give it some thought, panty boy, good night. WTF, now she is straight up trying to sexually blackmail me and expose me really? I got out of bed headed for the bathroom sobbing, how could my sweet wife be so cruel. Fifteen minutes or so she knocks on the door, " Jimmy are you ok"? No I'm, how could I be ok when you want to humiliate me and expose my fetish to my friends? Oh you admit it now that you are little perverted panty stealing panty boy? Her words cut me through me like a knife, but she was right. Stand Jim, look at yourself in the mirror wearing my soiled panties, tell me baby who and what did I fall in love with? Then she placed her had on my limp cock and said, I love you but tell me about all your fetishes now or we are done: confess! I'm not going to play a guessing game with you understand! Sobbing, I began to spill my guys about how was molested by an older boy at 11, my Aunt confessed to dressing me as a girl when I was very young,

dressing my mothers lingerie. Yes, I've have fantasies about being fucked my a man while being dressed as a woman. With years in my eyes I looked at my wife, what she was crying too? Why are you crying I asked? I'm so sorry that so many people have hurt you babe and that you are so fucked up now. Maybe we can both get into therapy, you know get some professional help? But for this moment, let's promise to be more open and honest with our sexual feelings and desires ok? Babe I'm sorry I got do angry with you but you did sneak my panties? I had no idea that my panties turned you on so much to the point that you would willing wear them? She started rubbing my pantied cock as she spoke, you know Jim, have a little fantasy of my own. What she whispered in my ear next blew me away. Jim, sometimes I think about being with a woman, coddling and fondling each others breasts? Jim, I, I think I might be Bi? I sorry I've never shared this with you but you understand right ? At that moment, my cock began to swell, she got her answer. Now pulling my panties down she began licking the very backside tip of my cock, you know Jim, maybe I will be willing to support you, like helping you dress like a lady, apply make up and maybe if you wish be with a man as a woman. With these words I erupted a stream of thick sperm all over her beautiful face. Wow, that was fast hon, you agree with my suggestions? Awesome, now for your first lesson Jamie, lick up all the cum you sprayed over my face. Yes, play the part bitch you need to learn to love the taste of your cum. Yes, your female name is Jamie now, do you like it? That's right clean me up, good gurl. Now it's my turn to be pleasured, now be a good lesbian bitch and eat my sweet pussy, XOXO.

Chapter 2 The List

The next morning Carol, my wife was up early and out of the house without waking me. No breakfast or coffee, man that woman be slipp'in, I thought. Well, what looks good in the frig? Oh man, lookie here, a heart shaped note from wifey. [Hi Jim I went shopping with Margie this morning, not sure when I'll be back but, please pickup the following items at the corner drug store:

tampons, pantyhose, nail polish (pink), eye shadow base & palate, concealer, face primer, eyeliner (water proof), mascara, blush, bronzer, highlighter, lip gloss, cosmetic brush set, foundation, setting spray and pamprin. Jim, if you need help just ask the salesgirl in

cosmetics, you know the one you always flirt with, you know Desiree, giggle. Oh and make sure you are wearing the pink lace panties that I let in your drawer. They are yours now, Jamie. Love Carol XOXO, P.S., I've invited some friends over for dinner so please be home by 4 pm.] Groan, I HATE shopping, especially for girl stuff! Ok, so off to drug store I went, stright to the cosmetics counter, list in hand. There she was, Desiree behind the counter, may I help you, she asked? Desiree was the gorgeous offspring of Spanish and Irish parents, about 5' 9" light green eyes and light brown to blonde hair. Her makeup was always impeccable, skirts and blouse always tight and ample cleavage on display. Carol was right that I did flirt with Desiree in the past, but Carol was always with me. It was different now, I was alone and what she possibly thinking? I mean, Carol had always shopped for her own cosmetics and fem items? Looking into her eyes my mind went blank, dry mouth, etc. I handed her the list and mumbled, my wife needs this stuff and I have no idea. Sure, no problem, I can get these for. Carol is your wife right? Yeah, she was in earlier, something about a need for a change and wanted you and I to help her with a make-over surprise. I can help you with every thing on the list except the tampons, their in aisle 12. Oh, and I'll need your help with selecting the foundation shade to ensure a good color match. Ok, what ever I said, I'll be back with the wifey's tampons in a couple minutes. As I walked away, Desiree's last words, "color matching" stuck in my head... Carol's skin tone was much lighter than mine? Mmm, aisle 12, ok here we go, no idea really what to buy my wife, so many confusing choices. I must have been searching for the correct tampons for at least 15 minutes when Desiree found me. Hi, need some help? Absolutely? I have no idea what she needs. Laughing at my ignorance of feminine hygiene products, explained that Carol would at minimum need pads and most likely will need a tampon for her 'heavy' period flows. My suggestion is get her both. Is so sweet and thoughtful of you to do pick these up for you wife, I'm sure she appreciates it. Now let's go go back to the cosmetic department and I ring up your items? Sounds like a plan, I said. Ok, let's try this new foundation shade shall we? Desiree reached for my hand, this was a new level: physical contact. I could feel my heart beating faster, well if well if you have to I said? Desiree, her hand still gently touchind my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, Jim, it is necessary to be sure we get an accurate match and you do want to please your Wife don't you? Yes, of course I want to make Carol happy. Well good, smiling as she applied the foundation to my hand Desiree said, you know Jim, it's not like anyone's going to make assumptions about your sexuality. I mean, why would a handsome stud like you want to wear make up? Ok, of course your are right, I told her. Oh, awesome Jim, this color is perfect. Carol will love it.

Great what is the final damage for all this, I asked? Sure, your total comes to $75.65. Ok, wow this stuff sure adds up fast! Ok here's $76, as Desiree handed back my change she dropped a dime. Oh, so sorry, no problem I said bending over to retrieve .10 cents and at that moment exposing my pink lace thong panties in full view of Desiree. So humiliating, I was speechless. Desiree with a big smile handed me my merchandise but me close and whispered, I love a man who likes to embrace his feminine side, Carol is so lucky.

Chapter 3 - No Refunds, No Returns

So I returned home with all the cosmetics Carol had on your list. She met me as I entered our apartment with big hug, then said that she had to leave again. No big deal, but asked me to read a letter she had written to me. Ok, problem, writing letters was something we did when we first started dating. Jim, l'll be back in about 2 hours, so please read my little ' love' note before I return. One more hug as she felt up my ass for the outline of the thong panties, still wearing them I see? Good, I so happy you did, it says you respect my wishes. I am going to make you so happy you did. Then she kissed me deeply and left without saying where she was going? Oh well, now where is this letter? I found Carol's letter on my pillow, she started, my Dearest husband, tonight I will make your fantasy of being a woman a reality. Don't deny it Jim. I found your hidden stash of female undergarments, shemale porn, etc. Really, why did you NOT trust me enough with your kinky desires? No matter, I know now and I still you move than you realize. Tonight I will give your fantasy, but know this our relationship will change. The changes will be (giggle) sort of a role reversal? To start: take a nice hot bubble bath, yes use mine girly stuff XOXO. Next, use my sugar rub all over your body to exfoliate your skin and then shave all your body hair, yes lov, your arms, legs, chest, balls and ass. Next raise in with cold water

and gently dry ourself. Next, hydrate your skin with some lotion be liberal with it. Now Jim, you don't have much time left so get started. Oh, once your done with this bathing routine, look in your drawer and closet. Yes I picked out some cute girly things for you to wear love XOXO. Make sure you are wearing each item when I return? If NOT, trust me You will sorely regret it!! But I know you will be a Good girl for your wife, your Mistress now won't you? And don't act like you don't know how to put on a bra, panty hose, corset, or breast forms. Please Sissy, remember I know what you've doing when your alone and I'm at work. You see I also found your pictures lol. Well, no more secrets BITCH! I demand you to be ready for me to apply your make up and wig when I return. No excuses! Yes dear, I will be fully shaved and dressed when return. Ok, good, I will be at 7 pm sharp! Out of fear and excitement I started drawing my bubble bath. While the tub was filling I looked into the closet and drawer to see what my wife had purchased. My sweet wife had filled my drawer will so many pretty panties and bras all different styles and colours. These were all mine, really? Wow, what was in my closet? Just a quick peek, so many cute skirts, dresses and tops, all mine? Ok, time was slipping away and the tub was nearly full now. As instructed, I soaked in the fraguent bubble bath for a half hour so relaxing then scrubbed every inch of my body possible with a sugar exfoliate scrub. I then covered my body with a girly shaved cream and shaved my legs, arms, chest, groin, balls and ass. I then showed in cold water to rinse off the remaining shave cream. As I dried my body off the scent purfume and softness of my now hairless body caused me to feel so girly/ feminine, excited and horny. I resisted my base urges to pleasure myself and pushed on to getting dressed as it was almost time for my wife to return. So many panties so many choices, will of I selected a cute pink lace thong panties with matching bra and garter belt. Slipping the panties on another temptation to pleasure myself. Not enough time, 6:30 pm, still had to put on the breast plate and corset. I secured the 38 D breasts to my chest using the medical grade adhesive. Looking the mirror was a bit of a let down, so much work and I still looked like a man, a man with big breasts and small waist. I was nearly in tears when I heard the front door open, Carol would be coming in bedroom any moment and I was pretty much half naked. I quickly grabbed a blouse, skirt and heels got them on and posing on the bed, just as door opened. Knock, knock... omg Jim, Carol told me to just let myself in, that my make over project would be sitting on the bed. It was Desire, Carol WTF!! I was humiliated once again, I began sobbing uncontrollably, why Carol, why? Desiree gave me several tissues to dry tears. I don't understand, why would do this? She came closer and hugged me. I never been this close to Desiree or so absolutely vulnerable before. She knew just like Carol that I was to be a sissy no denial. Jim, she said, Carol is giving you a gift, this is what you want really. Carol loves you didn't understand or how to help you experience being a girl. I can sweet heart. Yes, Carol may have, did violate your privacy by sharing your sissy feelings with me but I agreed to help you both. She then kissed me on the lips and said go wash away those trears hon and let's transform you into a beautiful woman. Before she applied my make up she asked me to remove my skirt and blouse, something about not getting any make on my clothes, ok made sence? Desiree was wonderful explaining the fairly complicated process of applying the various types make up, contouring, eye shadow, liner, etc. I almost forgot that I was half naked inches away from a gorgeous woman. The scent of her purfume and beautiful cleavage got the best of my unrestrained manhood. Desiree noticed my problem and said, I see you are getting turned on baby? You like it that I'm feminizing don't sweety? Oh of course you do

#feminized husband #xdress #embrace your femininity

[rapdogmon]

It's so hard to articulate exactly why it's so frustrating to watch people read Dream's entire post on reddit and still decide to label him as cishet.

This article, "I Am A Transwoman. I Am In The Closet. I Am Not Coming Out" (the author is now out since posting this article but it doesn't change how she felt when she first posted it), does a much better job at explaining the issues with just labeling a dude who says he's "unlabled" as cishet. Or devaluing his opinions and thoughts on things because he's supposedly "cishet". (The dude in question is Dream I am not misgendering a trans woman).

Why must someone disclose their entire identity in order to be taken seriously? Why is there this need to question and poke and prod at someone until they burst and spill out all the dirty little secrets and details of their life and bare all their wounds for us to see?

In Jennifer's (the author) article her experiences were largely rooted in the cissexism and transmisogyny of cis (white) women. There assumption that Jennifer was a cishet man led them to think that they had the right to devalue her thoughts and feelings. That their misandry towards her and men as a whole were acceptable and she couldn't argue against it because she didn't "get it".

Throughout the article Jennifer describes this hesitance and growing disdain towards the idea of coming out. She looks at how people have treated her without coming out and she asks her self if this is what the community will be like and she thinks to herself, "this isn't a safe place for me."

And it's hard to articulate how this relates to Dream because there's a lot of different reasons as to why. Much like Jennifer Dream doesn't feel a desire to "come out" or label his own identity. Why should he when he hasn't even fully comprehended it himself?

And then there's the many people who continue to call him straight even after he explicitly describes himself as being unlabeled. They prescribe this idea that sexuality is rigid and that after you label yourself once you can't unlabel yourself. You can't make discoveries later on in life that might change your entire viewpoint on your sexuality. No I've certainly never seen people who were bi realize they're lesbians/gay men and people who were lesbians/gay men later realize they're bi. No I've never seen people change through different genders and sexualities (sometimes in the course of months) because they're in the process of self-discovery. I've never been through that experience myself. (That's all sarcasm btw.)

And don't get me started on what I call "disclosure culture" itself and how harmful it is to the queer community (especially queer POC). This idea that in order to be a "true queer" or your "true self" you must disclose your entire identity. You have teens feeling like they NEED to come out to their family even when they know said family is bigoted. You have people who insist that it's problematic for queer people to not disclose their queerness. Closeted queer people dating other queer people and being told they have to come out or else they're making their partner feel like "secret" even if they might be disowned by their family. Trans people being pressured to disclose their transness at the risk of their own safety. People telling stealth queer people that they do not deserve a space within the queer community.

Essentially, all of this bullshit just ends up hurting other queer people. It translates in queer kids still trying to figure themselves out deciding that they don't belong in the community. It translates to queer people putting themselves in risky situations. It translate to people feeling the need to box themselves in order to avoid the scrutiny of others.

That's it. You don't get benefits when you shoot yourself in the foot you just get a bullet in your foot.

#dreamwastaken #i still wasn't really able to articulate my thoughts #its hard to explain yknow #i think jennifer's article is a great starting point #and i also feel like this is all very rambling #sadgez

[kalinara]

On Aspec Identities

I’ve “joked” before that I know that it’s Pride Month, because as soon as June 1 comes around, I suddenly get to see a wonderful flood of aphobic bullshit on my dash.  

Sometimes the people who reblog this shit aren’t themselves exclusionists.  At least I’d like to think they aren’t, given that they’re mutuals who follow me, but out of ignorance, they join in on mocking what they don’t understand.

My block button gets a nice workout during Pride.

Anyway, since I do think (hope) that some of the people reblogging this nonsense do so because they are genuinely clueless, I’m inspired to write this post.

--

It’s very common, during Pride and otherwise, to see people mock the idea of aspec identities.  For example, “fraysexual”, in which people only experience sexual attraction to people they don’t know very well, for example, celebrities.

It’s very common to see otherwise well-meaning people mock this idea.  “I’m attracted to Chris Hemsworth!  Does this mean I’m suddenly LGBTQ?!”

I don’t want to attack their reading comprehension, of course, but they’re missing something obvious in that definition: the word “only”.

If you are a woman and you are attracted to Chris Hemsworth, then you’re probably straight.  Or bi.  But if you’re ONLY attracted to Chris Hemsworth and NO OTHER MEN in the world...then maybe something else is going on.

Lesbians will often talk about compulsory heterosexuality and that’s a thing that asexual people experience too.  Society has an expectation of allo-straightness and it’s very hard to define a negative, so it’s very common for a young person to express attraction to a fantasy, someone safely out of reach.  Most of us will never meet Chris Hemsworth in real life, certainly we’ll never get invited to have sex with him, so we don’t really have to parse through whether this is something we really want to do.  And well, if we’re not interested in the real life men that we know, it’s probably because they just don’t measure up.

Now, I think lesbians have one advantage in this case that asexual people don’t have.  And that’s that they do feel attraction to women.  It’s suppressed, and it may take a lot of time to realize it, but it’s there.  And once you feel the real thing, I think that it makes it easier to see the “attraction” to Chris Hemsworth for what it is.

Most asexual people don’t have a “real thing” to put the fantasy and cultural programming into perspective.  It’s very hard to define a negative, and often you end up doing that by defining everything else around out.  That blank space is what’s left.

And that’s why aspec identities exist: because society has a really complicated relationship with sexuality in general.  A physical sex drive can complicate matters too.  Because that’s a thing that most people have.  Hormones and gonads and all that.  And if you think growing up with all those impulses is confusing already, try it when you don’t have a sexual orientation to direct it.

So that’s, I think, where a lot of these identities come from.  Identities like fraysexual and lithsexual (sexual attraction ONLY if it’s not reciprocated) sound weird to an outside observer, until you understand that the end goal is not to have sex!  The end goal is to process what we’re feeling and not feeling and define it for ourselves.  

As a young person, I didn’t know I was asexual.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  I’d grasp at straws and think to myself that I must be straight, because I liked slash fanfiction.  Because I liked erotica.  Clearly I just never really had the opportunity to have sex.  I have very specific trait preferences.

And then the invitation came!  From someone who was objectively very attractive.  He* was beautiful, a live action and real life version of the characters I’d read about, amazingly smart, great sense of humor.  I’d fantasized about them for a long time before this moment.  (More accurately, I should say “They” as later, they came out as non-binary.  At the time though, I’d believed them to be male, just as I’d believed myself to be female.  People are complicated.)

The fantasy was real!  There was no better time!  And....all I could feel was a resounding “NO.”  I liked them a lot.  But...no.  No.  (They took the refusal with good grace, they were really great!)  The aftermath was rough on me though, because I no longer could fool myself.

I don’t consider myself lithsexual or fraysexual because in my case, the attraction wasn’t so much to the person as to the fantasy of being straight.  But people come in all variations, and we can only really define ourselves.

Ultimately, aspec identities aren’t about you unless they apply to you.  But for us, they can be a literal lifesaver.  I spent a long time thinking I was broken.  Why could I feel a sexual response when reading erotica but not want to have sex?!  Obviously I can’t be asexual if I feel SOMETHING, right?

And then, and then, at the age of thirty or so, I stumbled across the concept of autochorissexuality.  The idea of a disconnect between self and sexual desire.  And I realized, wait.  There I am.  You can’t imagine the sense of relief.

THAT’s why these identities exist.  It doesn’t MATTER if you understand them.  It doesn’t MATTER if you think they’re valid.  They’re for US, not you.  And it costs exactly 0 dollars to shut the fuck up about something that has nothing to do with you.

#asexuality #aspec identities

[sheisadykewomon]

I just find it funny that you talk about the lesbian community being shambles while doubting we're born gay. You're part of the reason why it's in shambles and why we feel isolated. So many of you bis lie about being a lesbian.

I find it funny that you think it’s appropriate to accuse a random lesbian you don’t know of lying about who she is when you actually don’t even know who the fuck I am. You’ve never spoken to me. Are you inside my head, can you read my thoughts, understand my feelings? Have you tried? You haven’t! And you probably call yourself a radical feminist? Bullshit. You care to claim about women, you care to claim about lesbians while attacking your own for trying to have an honest conversation about a community issue. YOU are the problem, not me. YOU are actively preventing important conversations from being had because you’re too fucking spineless to have tough conversations that frighten you. You are a coward and are bringing this movement down. You don’t scare me with your goofy little defensive insults.

The reason the community is this way is because PEOPLE LIKE YOU shut down these conversations and make women feel ashamed to discuss things like this. I never even said what you’re accusing me of saying. If you took a moment to actually critically read my writing and to ask questions, to interrogate why my words were unsettling to you, you might have understood that. But you’re just as carelessly reactive as the TRAs you love to shit on. You are what is wrong with this community. At least I’m fucking trying. At least I’m open to conversation. I’m open to new ideas. I’m open to revisiting old ideas. And at least I’m saying something while you hide behind anonymity, insulting and shaming women you do not know because you are so insecure with your identity. Get the fuck out of here. Don’t even fucking pretend like you care about women and lesbians when you come in and say stupid shit like this to me. You only care about yourself. You’re so full of shit. Grow the fuck up.

#ask

[casually-slips-into-coma]

An Essay (sort of) Explaining the Many Grievances I Have With Debbie Gallagher

Once again, Debbie is the fucking worst.

I’ve been wanting to write out my feelings towards her character for a fucking minute now just so that I have a full concise list. Now, I can talk about how Debbie has a constant need for attention, or how her character has become someone unrecognizable in the past few seasons, or how she’s a terrible mother, but what I really want to focus on is the center of my issues with her: her sexuality. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about to be a homophobic rant or anything. I just think her queer development has been written terribly and that should be addressed.

Too often I see people praising queer characters or relationships based solely on the fact that they are queer, and as a member of the community, I get it. I am also starved for representation. This, however, does not mean I’m going to settle for annoying, poorly written characters.

Why Make Debbie Queer?

The first thing I want to address is why suddenly develop a WLW storyline for her. Given that Debbie started as a little girl on the show, this gives the writers a lot of opportunity to give a character like that interesting storylines because she does not yet have a solid personality. It gives writers the liberty to take her story anywhere they want to without the constraints of established character because she, as a person, is still developing into adulthood. The show runners unfortunately dropped the ball with this.

From season 4 and onwards was when Debbie began showing interest in dating, sex, and romance having just turned the corner to puberty. From then up until season 9, she has shown exclusive interest in men. It isn’t until Alex the welder that Debbie deviates from this path. Alex is portrayed as a stud who confuses Debbie. I am inclined to believe that Debbie was originally attracted to her because she was masculine and therefore close enough to the people Debbie had previous experience with.

This arc was treated very much as Debbie experimenting with her sexuality, something that Alex also ends up realizing after Debbie tells her that having sex with a girl is “not that bad” and “like having sex with yourself” (S9E4). Once this storyline wrapped up (with Debbie shouting “you make me want cock again”) the writers powered through, adamant about Debbie now being a lesbian.

I have two theories as to why they’ve been fighting so hard for her queerness.

1) This was around the time that Cam was leaving Shameless. This obviously didn’t end up happening, but I was under the impression that the writers were freaking out at losing their token gay character and needed to fill that position. When Cam ended up staying, they were stuck with a queer Debbie storyline and decided to just go with it.

2) Shameless was planning on doing a WLW storyline regardless of Cam’s choice to leave and were originally going to give it to Fiona and her lesbian tenant that she had a close relationship and a lot of chemistry with, but Emmy Rossum wanted to move on from Shameless, and so they pivoted and gave the arc to Debbie, a character that was not supposed to be moved in that direction and so her new sexuality seemingly came out of nowhere. Fiona as a bisexual character would have made sense. Debbie still does not.

Shameless’s Awkward Relationship With Bisexuality

One of the biggest issues I have with Debbie is her insistence on being a lesbian. Lesbianism doesn’t come out of nowhere. Bisexuality, however, can. When you grow up being told that you are supposed to feel attraction to men, and you genuinely do feel attraction to men (which Debbie has expressed in past seasons/episodes) it’s easy to ignore your attraction to women and write it off as something that either isn’t a big deal, or something that isn’t there. It’s a lot more confusing than being strictly at one end of the spectrum. It would have been so much more believable if they had simply made Debbie bisexual. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t because the show has a history with bi erasure.

Bisexuality has been treated badly all throughout Shameless, used as a vengeful plot device back in the earlier seasons where Monica was only ever with women when unmedicated. Then in Season 7 when Ian’s boyfriend Caleb cheated on him with a woman (enforcing the stereotype of bisexuals being unfaithful) Ian, possibly acting out of anger or ignorance, said things like “only women are bisexual. When a man says he’s bisexual he’s really just gay”. The only semi positive bisexual representation on the show was Svetlana and Vee when they were in a poly relationship with Kev (though I also think that storyline wasn’t handled as well as it could’ve been).

This fight against the bisexual label in media is not a new one but it is also a harmful stance to take when writing a sexually fluid character. Debbie declaring that she is, in fact, a lesbian after waxing poetic about how Matty had a big dick and Derek had a great body and knew what he was doing is not the way to go. 

You could argue that Debbie, like many other queer women, is an unfortunate victim of compulsory heterosexuality, but frankly I don’t think the writers are well versed enough in queer theory for that to be a possibility.

Debbie as The White Feminist

Debbie is the pinnacle of white feminism. It’s an unfortunate thought that has occurred to me a few times throughout the show. She talks a big game as a man hater and someone after the equal treatment of women but she herself participates in a lot of problematic and anti feminist behavior.

For one, she r*ped Matty back in season 5 when he was blacked out and unconscious. This was a point in the story that was glossed over and one where she suffered no repercussions other than Matty no longer wanting to be around her. It was explained in the show that Debbie didn’t realize what she did was wrong until after she was explicitly told so because she was maybe 14 when it happened (not 100% on the age Shameless is very inconsistent about timelines). It was treated as somewhat of a punchline, something that Shameless has unfortunately done more than once when referring to male sexual assault (Mickey’s r*pe, Liam in season 10 ((i think??)) and in this latest season, Carl) but that is a different topic. 

There was also the time in which she lied to her boyfriend about being on birth control so she could trap him into a relationship with pregnancy (which also counts as r*pe!!) Good on Derek for getting out of that.

Debbie has also been pro-life in the past. Now I understand this was when Fiona was pressuring her into aborting her pregnancy, and as a pro choicer myself, I believe that Debbie was fully in her right to have bodily autonomy and go through with the pregnancy. This isn’t where the issue lies. It’s when Fiona finds out that she too is pregnant and tells Debbie that she wants an abortion that Debbie accuses her of “killing her baby”. Again, her behavior could be explained by her age given that Debbie was still a young teen during this time.

When her actions as a White Feminist become less excusable is mostly in the latest season. Her relationship with Sandy is one that I’m not really happy with because Debbie doesn’t deserve her.

Recently, it has been revealed that Sandy is actually married to a man and has a son. It’s explained that she was basically married off against her will at the age of 15 to a man twice her age. This implies that the product of the marriage, her son, was most likely conceived through dubious consent (or worse) at the hands of an adult when she was just a kid. Just because Debbie thinks that Sandy’s husband “seems nice” does not give her the right to try and make a victim of grooming feel bad about not wanting to be with her abuser. While I understand that Sandy’s son has no fault in how he came into the world, I’m still gonna side with Sandy when it comes to having to take care of a child she didn’t want and who is most likely a source of trauma for her. It’s not difficult to sympathize with Sandy and see that she’s clearly gone through something fucked up and Debbie, despite claiming to love and support her, AND despite her dumb white feminist arc about wanting equal pay and all that jazz, turns her back on the girls supporting girls aspect of feminism.

This isn’t even mentioning how shitty it was to just leave Franny by herself and assume that one of her siblings would take her to school and pick her up and stuff as if they don’t all have separate lives. She talks a lot about being a good mother but decided to “let off some steam” by fucking off to a gay bar to get loaded on coke and fuck a gay man (which wtf thats not a thing that really happens with casual coke but whatever I guess). Once she realized she fucked up, instead of taking responsibility she decided to paint herself as the victim as well as spew offensive bullshit about how she “probably has AIDS now” because of her sexual encounter with a gay man. No lesbian in their right fucking mind would ever say that because as members of the LGBTQ+ community, you are at least a tiny bit informed as to how devastating and tragic the AIDS crisis was for queer people.

(I also have an issue with how Debbie capitalized on her felony as a sex offender and her sexuality to start her Hot Lesbian Convict business but I think that’s enough said.)

Blame the writers

The show got almost an entirely new cast of writers after season 7 which is why the show feels more like a sitcom with low stakes and no consequences rather than a drama, but if there is a queer writer on the team it’s not very evident. Even the better half of the queer relationship story, Ian and Mickey, I don’t feel has really been done justice since the change in writers. It’s just become painfully obvious that the actress is a straight girl playing a gay character (not to mention I have never seen any chemistry between her and all of her female love interests). I don’t fault Emma Kenney (the actress) for this. I actually really like her as a person and I like the videos she makes about the cast and such, and I think she does her best with the script she’s given. My complaints with Debbie are targeted entirely towards the writers.

This brings me to my final point. I need them to let Debbie be alone. Her whole thing for the second half of the season has been that she clearly has abandonment issues and is afraid of being alone. It’s why she’s so adamant about keeping the house and fighting with Lip about it (I’m actually on Debbie’s side for that one but that’s besides the point). They had her and Sandy break up which leaves Debbie to spiral further into her loneliness. From a writing point of view, it makes sense to take this opportunity to give her an arc in which she can overcome that and feel comfortable with herself so that she can move on as an adult instead of jumping into a new relationship. This is especially true since this is quite literally the last season ever of the show and any character development needs to be wrapped up. Introducing a new character out of nowhere does not give the viewers enough time to actually get invested in the new relationship. It’s also unfair to Debbie’s character because her arc is going to feel incomplete.

Anyway,,,,,,uuuhhhhh,,,,,feel free to add on if u want lmao

#shameless #debbie gallagher #sandy milkovich #lesbian #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich #terrible queer rep

[vampish-glamour]

So I checked out the comments and reblogs for tumblr's pride stuff and I regret is so bad, there are so many pansexuals on this website and quite a few they/them/enby lesbians(not as many I thought although quite a few actual lesbians were "testing out they/them" which sucks and is probably them having a complete misunderstanding of how pronouns work), I also saw someone who was demitrans and a "bi-achillean oriented aroace"🙄 I understand why people wouldn't want to associate with the alphabet community

Yup this is why I hate pride month lmao. Because all these assholes who are like, “aromantic demisexual genderfluids” think it’s about them and not to celebrate rights they were never lacking, or to fight for rights that they already have.

It’s been turned into this weird fun club thing for people who pride isn’t even for, which is very annoying. And they’re so goddamn obnoxious about it 😭🙄

And it’s also why I’m growing more and more detached from the alphabet community because I just can’t associate myself with this bullshit. At this point I’m ready to just abandon all labels except “homosexual” considering it’s the least watered down and bastardized of the bunch, and just refer to myself that way if it ever comes up. Because I really cannot stand being associated with the lgbtqialmnop++++ community.

I wish upon you the strength and courage to stay the hell away from pride posts because they are always painful 😂

#asks #anon

[strangerthings4theories]

Hey, thanks for posting your theories, I definitely appreciate your different perspective on things. I haven't read all of your theories yet but from what I seen you haven't opined at all on Will or Byler - from your perspective, do you see Byler as likely to be canon or Will to be a significant character? Why/why not?

Aww thanks ☺️ I appreciate your perspective as well. (I follow your blog from my personal, @assortedfruitsnacks212)

I haven't opined on Will or Byler because I don't consider myself an 'expert' on those characters. My focus so far has been Billy (and El and Hopper, but mostly Billy), and I try not to talk about anything I don't feel qualified to weigh in on 😆

That said, I do think Will is a significant character. He, Billy, and El exist on the same narrative and thematic level. In the long run, I believe what happens with the Upside Down will hinge on their responses. Not to mention they're being set up as our core team of superheroes. I have this image in my mind of them standing together in defense of their friends - Billy with his superstrength, El with her telekinesis, Will with whatever power he develops (I do think pyrokinesis is likely).

As for Byler, I'm on the fence with that simply because I haven't given it much attention. I have no objections to it though, if it's written well and responsibly. My only issue is I do not believe Mike is strictly gay. His interest in El has been genuine, and I can argue that from a strong base of evidence. But that doesn't preclude Byler in any way. Bisexuality is a thing, and it's no less 'queer' than being gay or lesbian. So I don't understand the continued need to present only two possibilities: (A) Mike is gay, his feelings for El were a sham, and Byler will be canon; or (B) Mike is straight, his feelings for El were real, and Byler will never happen.

Just imagine bi folk like myself sitting in the Wheelers' basement: "Guys, I'm still here! ... Guys?"

But hey, Byler theorists and I are definitely agreed on one thing: Mileven will not last. The show has already signaled as much, and I'm glad for that. If they stayed together, they wouldn't grow as people. So, for their own sakes, they should admit that to each other and let their relationship change into something else. And you know what? That's okay. These things happen. ✨

Just out of curiosity, I'd be interested to know what Byler theorists make of certain evidence I've found for eventual Madwheeler. But again, it's just out of curiosity - it's not a ship I'm invested in. At this point, I would find Byler OR Madwheeler interesting.

Personally, I'm far more preoccupied with another ship that's taking form in the show. It, too, has a strong evidence base, and it would be just as surprising and interesting (imo) as Byler, but I haven't seen other theorists talk about it. It leaves me wondering if no one's noticed the evidence, or if they're just too nervous to talk about it openly. (Modern fandom, for absolutely bullshit reasons, has decreed ships like this one Simply Cannot Be™.)

I might broach the subject someday. Or I might let it sit until the show springs it on everyone 😆 Depends on if I feel like calling down fire on my head.

#answering your mail #general psa: i do not tolerate abuse for my opinions of ships #if anyone comes at me for this i will block with prejudice #please remember this is FICTION and at least try to keep some perspective #for the love of all that is holy~~~

[tuffduff]

No Big Deal (Slash x Reader)

Pairing: slight angst/fluffy Slash x  fem bi Reader

Words: 1,662

Request: @lunarwolfgirl101​ : “A female reader coming out as bisexual to Slash? Like one day their family finds out and they hate her and she runs away to his house and tells him then he confesses his feelings to her and it’s just fluffy angst? Sorry if this sounds to weird”

A/N: This is not weird at all, I’m glad you felt like you could request this from me. (I picture a younger Slash here, probably right as they started up GNR) Coming from someone who is bisexual, I know it’s hard to have these conversations with family and even friends who have been there for years. You’re not weird or broken, and that goes for anyone who is LGBTQ+. My blog is a safe place for all, and you can always talk with me. 

Taglist: @ubernoxa​ @the--blackdahlia​ @reigns420​ @stradlin-cold-heartbreaker​ @rumoured-whispers​ @dustnbones​

“So…you’re a lesbian?” You mother repeated for the third time. You pressed your lips together, resisting the urge to huff or roll your eyes in frustration; you didn’t want to make that mistake right now and start that argument.

“No. I’m bisexual. I like boys and girls.” You explained as slowly and calmly as possible, trying to keep your voice even. The hope that your mother and father would understand and even accept you was quickly slipping out of your hands; your father had been frozen staring out the window with a blank face ever since you started this conversation.

“Honey, no.” Your mother shook her head dismissively, as if the information you were telling her was somehow wrong. “You don’t like girls.”

“I do. I like both.”

“But my daughter isn’t a lesbian.”

“Yeah, I’m not. That’s what you’re not getting, I’m bi—”

“That’s not real!” Your father finally exploded, his eyes angry as he fixed his wrath on you. Your voice died in your throat as he raised his. “You might as well claim you’re a whore! That is basically what you’ve sat us down to tell us! Now, stop with this ridiculous bullshit! I don’t want to hear another word about this!” He pushed away from the dinner table and stormed past you towards the living room. You swallowed hard and looked at your mother who sat staring at you silently. She didn’t back you up, she didn’t try to prevent your tears. She only looked at you with disappointment and watched you cry.

Without wasting another second, you leaped up from your seat.

“Honey, where are you going?” Your mother said in a patronizing tone. You ignored her and slammed the front door behind you as you walked down the street of your neighborhood, shoving your hands in your pockets.

You kept your head down as your walked with hot tears slipping down your cheeks. It felt as if every car that drove by knew your secret and felt the same way as your family; you didn’t belong here. Where was your place? It didn’t feel like it was here, it didn’t feel like you had a place at all.

There was a reason you never told a soul; this was something you struggled with for a while. The realization that you not only thought the girls around you were pretty, but desirable. That you didn’t lose the desire you felt towards boys despite these new feelings you let in. The idea of you spending your life loving a man or a woman was more than okay with you. And that you weren’t broken because of it—there were other people like you.

Before, you were actually excited to let your parents know your revelation, and now you realized how foolish it had been.

You realized your steps had taken you a few blocks over to your best friend’s house, Saul—Slash. Really, you couldn’t go anywhere else. There’s nowhere else you wanted to go, or could go.

Without any hesitation, you walked up to the foundation of the house and knocked on the small basement window that was Slash’s room and waited outside the front door. Within a few moments, the front door swung open and your best friend stood in front of you in only a pair of unbuttoned jeans. He was blinking sleep from his eyes as he inspected you with confusion.

“Y/N? Hey, what’s up; I thought we were hanging out later?” He yawned, stretching.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry, I got into it with my parents.” You mumbled, keeping your head down.

“Oh, shit. What happened?” He asked, stepping aside to let you inside. There was understanding in his tone, compassion, but how could you tell him?

“Uh...” you said, your voice faltering. Suddenly, you were paralyzed with fear. You couldn’t lose Slash now too. What if he thought you were just a freak? What if he wanted nothing to do with you? “I don’t know...it was dumb.” You muttered dismissively as you made your way down to his room and sat on his unmade bed. He was right behind you and sprawled out next to you.

“Did you think it was dumb or did they think it was dumb?” This was what he would do. Slash was always prying information out of you; he was inquisitive and always curious, but you weren’t always so open. He had gotten good over the years at asking little questions, like a game, to get information out of you.

“Them. It was pretty serious to me.” You continued to look down, now playing with the hem of your shirt.

“You know how old people can be,” Slash chuckled. “You tell them things and they take it way out of hand. It’s like their brains can only accept so many ideas.”

“I don’t know, maybe they’re right.” You mumbled, glaring down hard as you tried to keep the tears in your eyes and your voice even.

“You said it was serious. So, they’re not right.” You couldn’t reply to his words. Suddenly, his hand touched your knee. “Please just tell me, Y/N. What happened?”

You bit your lip, feeling ashamed as you replayed the incident with your parents. But this was a part of you, and maybe you needed to start weeding people from your life if they couldn’t accept you. Or maybe you just needed to swallow it. You could keep it to yourself and just be normal, you didn’t have to embrace it…

“I told them I was bisexual.” You said, letting all your thoughts go out the window. Slash was silent, and you looked up fearfully to see him staring at you blankly, just like your father had. You waited for his outburst, for him to make a face, for him to argue in a million roundabout ways to prove you wrong, but he only blinked at you.

“Then what?”

“Then what?” You asked in confusion. “I...I came out to them. I told them I liked boys and girls.” Slash continued to stare at you before his eyes widened in realization.

“Oh. So, that’s it?”

“What do you mean ‘that’s it’?”

“Well, I just mean that’s not a big deal.”

“My dad called me a whore and my mom implied I’m either a lesbian or I’m not.” Slash frowned.

“Well, that’s not cool. That is pretty dumb.” He pulled himself upright so he could sit next to you. “Aw, Y/N. Don’t cry. I told you; they just can’t wrap their heads around things and it’s stupid.” He slung an arm over your shoulder while you wiped your tears away; you knew you shouldn’t waste your tears on them.

“I... I just thought they would accept me. I didn’t ever consider the possibility that they wouldn’t. And then I got scared that I would tell you and it would be the same thing.”

“Because you like girls and boys?” He asked in confusion. “Y/N, I wouldn’t ever care about that. I would’ve been bummed if you said you were a lesbian though. I mean!” He stopped himself really fast and your head snapped towards him. “I mean, it would be fine! I would accept you either way!”

“Then why would you be bummed?” You demanded, already fighting feelings of betrayal. This was just a different kind of disappointment, the same as your parents. As Slash stammered, you stood up.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that! It’s because I’m in love with you!” You stopped in your tracks at his words and turned to him, your eyes wide. “And…well, that would mean I didn’t have a chance...which I’m not sure I have anyways...but I’ve felt this way for a long time. For....geez. I guess years. Ever since middle school.”

“You...you like me?” You whispered. Slash chuckled a little, an adorable smile growing on his lips and lighting up his entire face.

“No, I don’t like you. I love you. I’m pretty sure of that.” You laughed in amazement. “And I love you for you, everything about you. The only thing that’s weird about you is the fact that you never take your socks off, but I’m cool with that too.” You laughed, again, throwing your arms around his neck.

“I...I think I love you too.” You whispered, hugging him as tight as you possibly could. He held you in his arms, and it felt as though he was the gravity keeping you on earth, centering you again. “And I get cold, alright?” Slash chuckled and pulled back.

“You think you love me?”

You looked into his tentative eyes, the way he was holding his breath as he waited. You knew if you told him no, he would still support you and remain in your life. You knew that now with every fiber of your being that Slash would always support you and your decisions. And in that moment, you had never been more grateful for anything in your life. That you did return those feelings. That your heart already held him in that position and was waiting for the day, for now, when you finally realized it.

“No, I do. I love you too.” You nestled back into his neck, letting your eyes close in peace. “Thank you,” you whispered. He merely smoothed his hands up and down your back soothingly, holding you as long as you needed. “I don’t want to go back home yet,” you murmured, your chin resting on his shoulder. Suddenly, you felt Slash pulling you down to his bed.

“Don’t. We can just watch movies. My mom would let you stay here. She wouldn’t care, and she would accept you too if you wanted to tell her or, you know, talk to someone about it. I think she even has friends who are bisexual.” You smiled, nodding and making a plan to talk with Slash’s mom later. But for now, you snuggled into his side, resting your head on his chest.

#slash gnr #slash imagine #guns n roses #guns n roses imagine #gnr #gnr imagine #saul hudson imagine #saul hudson #guns n roses x reader #80s imagines #classic rock imagine