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#or a character crush was so irresponsible that it would damage my future
patheticdogs · 1 year
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super super super long rambling like way more than essay length like actually insane shit like I'm crawling inside the sewers and there was a depressed boy's emo poetry scattered around
it's hard to see a future where anything gets better, how can I believe that when my life has been this repeated? it's been drilled into me that I have to be useful to have worth, even if I have worth besides that people get unhappy and attempt suicide, I am in a ballroom dancing with my responsibilities and if they let go I and everyone else die
it's hypocritical to try and prevent the suicide of others when I'm like this, after how many times I've tried I'm convinced I just couldn't possibly make it work, instead I cover myself in wounds and pity, as if this time it will be different, and somehow my pain will be acknowledged and everything will be heavenly, what is a plea for attention versus a mental health crisis, I get enough attention as is
I have to do things to make myself worthy of the attention I receive, right now even being awake is being ungrateful because I'm disobeying expectation, I can't have boundaries because then I can't be good, no one can offer what I want but I can receive the praise of doing a good job, obviously I love helping independently of that
all I ever do is waste my time, I don't want responsibility, I'm scared of dependency, I crave time for me and acknowledgment but these fears can't be voiced because they're disappointing, I have to be a perfect image or else I will be looked at with the knowledge I can never be what someone wants because my own feelings get in the way, it doesn't matter if no one holds themselves to that standard, I am always the exception, people do not force themselves to do something because they know it would make someone else happy, it's the nature of the world versus the nature of me
I think this is all strong evidence for me being an angel, I don't die when I bleed out, I am entirely alien to the rest of the world, the way I act is unnatural, I am too self sacrificing, anyone who comes across me feels as if I'm owned a debt from them even if they have no intentions of rectifying that feeling
am I the only person that notices the repetition? is every person the same? why do I stand out? I wish I could get into the head of the people I've know to hear what they really think about me, I can't imagine it'd sound good, I wish I could go back to heaven and never have a worry again
I am like a badly taken care of family heirloom, passed from person to person and treasured dearly, people think about repairing or fixing the damage time has done but they don't act on it, my colors are faded and I'm riddled with holes, badly sewn on patches from futile attempts to change anything, falling off because they never stayed to finish the job
I'm a passenger in my own life and a tool for someone else's, I've resigned myself to this and have built a reputation of being a responsible and reliable person, people do not expect disappoint from me, follow through is the norm, I envy people who are the opposite despite still managing to experience the bad parts of both
I'm lazy and irresponsible, I never work hard enough, but I'm too self sacrificing, I never talk about how I feel but I'm too sad all of the time, I ignore feelings that crush me just so I don't have to reexplain myself
it's been funny watching every person I've known be forced into some sort of hospitalization while I have never even spoken to a professional about my mental health past the one time my doctor was vaguely concerned about my cutting at age 11 or 12, it feels like I don't even exist outside the people I associate with, like I'm more of a side character that supports the protagonist, I am the character that encourages them to better themselves but is then forgotten about, or as kitty would say to me, I am a backup option, I am a safe person to fall back on because my loyalty is endless, I do not set boundaries, I do not complain, and when I do, I go back on it in favor of normalcy
and no matter what I do, I am in a cycle of hell, 7 years of my life I have been a servant and not a person, it's hard to feel like a person, I don't know what standards to hold myself to, I don't know how to be nice to myself or how to ask for anything good, I have been literally trained to expect nothing
I always tell myself that everyone I've known has had it worse than me, I was never abused enough, I was never groomed enough, I was never hated enough, I was never enough at all to compare myself to these other people and even acknowledging how bad things were I still can't see myself being a priority, I don't know how to be fixed
the fact I'm expected to know what to say to make someone feel better but no one has anything to say to me is soul crushing, I feel like I cannot be heard no matter what I say, this isn't even going to be read or acknowledged, I've spent 20 minutes writing about how miserable I am but what is this going to do? what will this change? I do this every few months, I beg for help but it doesn't work, it doesn't change, I am a rock for anyone that needs me but I fall through the hands of others like sand
when I am sad I make others sad, that is always a first priority, my feelings have to be hidden in a way they cannot be acknowledged, that's why I write here instead of being upfront about anything, because then there is no expectation for someone to respond, there's no quiet acknowledgment that I'm hopeless because someone doesn't know what to say again, my problems are drama for people to get off on, I'd beg at someone's feet just to feel seen
I have to hurt myself to get the toxic feelings out, if not they build up inside me and I become poisonous to those around me, I stop being what I show to others, I stop being nice and cute and friendly and I lose my energy and willingness to sacrifice my wellbeing for others, I make people feel guilty for struggling just by helping, what is the correct amount of help, when do people become dependent on my help to succeed, I have been doing highschool to college level work since 6th grade because of the people I have surrounded myself with
I want to feel wanted so much, I want to lay my head down for hours knowing I can stay that way safely without anyone coming to hurt me or scold me or think I'm dead I want peace and I want disgusting shameful things that I've told myself to see as horrible so I can never hope I get it again as if it was a test from god to see if I know shame to which I've failed more times than I can count
I noticed I always come back later to make sure nothing I say can be taken as a threat to daily life, nothing too out there that can shake things up too much, there are hands around my throat controlling my actions, there is a person inside what I present, he's not hardworking, he's not smart, charming, or suave, he is scared and naked and beaten, he is covered in more scars than there are stars in the sky
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sapphicambitions · 4 years
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like when I say I think Luke Castellan is gay I don’t mean it as a cutesy “don’t u wish ur fave was gay” kind of way I mean textually and seriously I believe he was gay. 
I could cite the petty stuff like “he only had female friends growing up” and “he clearly never showed interest in women even though many women were interested in him” or “he is one of the few people in the series who didn’t actually have a serious love interest / partner” or whatever but i feel like it’s actually much deeper than that. Luke was a young person who had a difficult and strained relationship with his parents. He saw how flawed the system was and how it was treating people like him, and sought to change the system, give power to people like him, and start it all over. (Yeah, he fell victim to people who influenced him to the dark side but that had nothing to do with his gayness, imo.) He just reminds me a lot of characters like Nico and Catra from She-Ra: repressed gay with a strained relationship with parental figures, angry and willing to take down the world. In this essay I will-
.......like no but seriously
Luke had a very troubled childhood because of his mother’s damaged mind, and the fact that she was constantly having fits and telling him how terrible things were going to be for him. When Luke is (angrily) describing his childhood to Hermes he says: “You could’ve helped me when she was having one of her fits, shaking me and saying crazy things about my fate. When I used to hide in the closet so she wouldn’t find me with those glowing eyes,” like!!! he even mentions hiding in a closet (let me find the subtext where i want it)  but seriously, you know what’s one of the first things my mother said to me when I came out to her? “You know how much harder your life is going to be, don’t you?” So then Luke ran away from his home and found a new family, one that looked out for each other and loved each other more than their blood family ever did. This is a queer narrative!!
And with Hermes, it was all sorts of fucked up. His father kept him at a distance. Made Luke feel like there was something wrong with him, like he didn’t love him. His dad made it very clear to him what his expectations were of him, tried to encourage him to be a great hero, like all the heroes before him (when he was talking to him about sending him on a quest and Hermes said “You will get a change to be a great hero before…”) but Luke didn’t want to be the person his father expected him to be. He wanted to be something new, something true to himself. Luke was always burdened down with the weight of his parent’s expectations, both the expectation that he should strive to be a perfect hero and the knowledge that his future was doomed. 
So one time i was at a bar with friends and me and the only other queer person there were talking and he was like “gay men and their dads, you know what i mean?” and I was like “yeah also gay women and their moms” and we had a whole discussion about growing up with a certain set of expectations of who you’ll be from your parents and the gendered expectations they have for you and having to crush all of that when you come out to them and navigating the difficulties that come with that when you want to be your own person so like there’s your real world comparison / evidence for that argument
ALSO Luke ran away from home but then kind of immediately went to Camp Half-Blood where he was shoved into the Hermes cabin with all of his siblings and undetermined kids and then still expected to scrape part of his food in the fire and be thankful to his deadbeat dad. That would suck! He was already harboring all of this rage inside of him, and then he went on his quest. Saw the world. Was exposed to other schools of thought. He understood that he was just being used as a pawn. He came back a different person, he didn’t quite fit in at camp anymore now that he’d seen the world. Kind of like when I went off to be gay at college and then came back to my childhood home and had to be straight around all my high school friends. just saying.
Luke saw the flaws in the system, the way the gods ruled the world. The way the gods treated their children and how much it hurt them. He felt so betrayed and hurt and abandoned by his dad and all the gods, so instead of sitting with it, he thought “I can do better.” Luke sought to rebuild the world, scrap it all and start new. Start with new leaders who took better care of everyone, who did things completely differently than the way it was done before, and raze anything before it. We’re going to ignore the fact that he was influenced to the dark side for a moment because it’s not related to this essay, but I also feel like this is a very queer narrative. (how many times can i say that phrase in this essay) Seeing the flaws in the way the world is treating people like you and wanting to do better. Luke said (this not an actual book quote more of a dramatic sentiment): “I won’t be used and I won’t be who you want me to be. I will become my own person and there’s nothing you can fucking do to stop me. I will make a new world, better than before, without you, for people like me, and I will tear down the walls of the previous world if I fucking have to” and i just think that’s very gay rights of him.
A thing that I’m a big fan of is seeing specific character types and relating them to each other. For example: our fave Nico di Angelo and Catra from She-Ra. (If you haven’t seen She-Ra, she’s the DEFINITION of an angry repressing gay) We can see from Nico’s narrative and from Catra’s narrative and also just straight up my own personal narrative that sometimes when you’re gay and repressing and afraid of becoming the person you are warned against, while also knowing that you were meant for more but maybe not quite understanding what that more is yet, and overall just want to feel accepted and loved as who you truly are but not receiving that, it can tend to make one lash out in angry and irresponsible ways. It can make one isolate themselves from those they previously were close to. It can lead to irrational and impulsive choices for all the wrong reasons because you don’t feel right and you don’t know why. Not at all saying this is the same across the board for queer people, it’s just something that honestly happens to some people and I can relate to when i see it in characters. 
I see that in Luke. He is weighed down by everything his parents want him to be, both good and bad, and is trying to scrap the world and make a new one for people like him. He wants to take his turn, pushing aside anyone who’s hurt him. Luke was someone who was constantly being torn apart by the world and just wanted to feel safe and secure in who he was and the world he was in. He was acting in anger and fear and hurt and revenge for his childhood and because he still felt like there wasn’t a place in the world for him. He lashed out against his father and his family and his friends and pushed them all away. Sure, he had some friends at Camp Half-Blood, but Annabeth’s devotion to him was not enough to make up for like, all of his childhood trauma. First everything with his mom and then being on the run for so long and then meeting his dad and then losing Thalia (which also fueled his anger and hatred of the gods but like we knew that) and his quest and just everything. He was dealt a cruel hand and he didn’t handle it well. Not that that has anything to do with him being gay but I’m just lamenting over the tragedy of his life. Anyway.
Also not to quote the Lighting Thief because it’s not technically in Rick’s canon but i still think they perfectly understood the characters so I’m including it, but the idea that Luke has tried to be a good kid, he’s tried to do what was expected of him, he’s done everything they ever asked of him, but it didn’t pay off. It didn’t matter. It still wasn’t a world he belonged in. “you know this world will never be ours as long as our parents rule over the stars” and “it’s time to make the world our own” strikes me very much to the tune of LGBT activism. once again ringing in that idea of “if you won’t make the world better than i will do it with my bare hands” he also sings “the gods were never on our side, so i think it’s time we watched them fall” which gets to me every time because like he was just a kid! he was just a kid who had so much hurt and anger inside of him and he went about everything the wrong way but he was just a fucking kid! 
also YES to be petty and shallow but while Annabeth and Thalia refer to luke romantically, he never mentioned the same for him. Kelli the sexy monster hits on him during Battle of the Labyrinth and was clearly interested in him and he pushes her away without any hesitation. IN FACT the only demigods referenced on Luke’s ship are Chris and Ethan (why we didn’t see any of that trio, I’ll never understand), with Ethan working much closer with Luke and being a major player in the Titan War. (also I think Ethan is queer too but that’s a battle for another day.) And Rick LOVES romances. pretty much every character gets paired up with someone in the original series (percy and annabeth, grover and juniper, even Clarisse and Chris) which is fab thank u rick for my percabeth rights but Luke is the only character who does not get a girlfriend!! because he’s a homosexual!!!! you know what other character didn’t get paired off in the original series??? NICO, a known homo!!!  i do think that luke is a case of “accidentally written homo” because this was before rick saved the world and gave us nico’s coming out and really started pushing for queer rep in the books (thank u again rick!!!!), so I’m allowed to find my gay subtext in the original series, thank u very much!
listen all im saying is that my favorite character narrative is “angry gay coded villain who is repressing and lashing out at the world because of it” and i truly believe luke fits into that narrative and I stand by my argument.
Thank u for attending my TED Talk
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Previously On Supernatural Season 3, we had a really rock solid trio of episodes to kick us off right, so what does SPN do next? It’s gonna lay the groundwork for some spicy character development that may or may not pay off by the end of the season. Let's find out!
To be honest, I felt the next three episodes just sort of plateau? There’s enough nuggets in these three eps - “Sin City”, “Bedtime Stories”, and “Red Sky at Morning” - that it does feel like they’re setting up for something big but it’s taking too much time. If the season had been longer, I don’t know that I’d be complaining, because there’s SO much potential introduced with these character developments, but I know it’s gonna get cut off at the knees in the very near future. 2021 Me has been trained on what to expect from a short season, so half of my brain wants to give the show slack for Unexpected Circumstances, but the other half of my brain is shouting YOUR NOT DRIVING THE BUS FAST ENOUGH, YOU’LL NEVER MAKE IT TO THE END OF THE LINE IN TIME!!!
And that’s maybe unfair because there really are some great nuggets in here. We’ve got “Sin City”, which is Dean’s episode. I mean, they’re ALL Dean’s episode, but this one more so than the other two in this post. Dean gets trapped with a demon who turns out to be...kinda...nice? In kind of a Stockholm Syndromey way I guess? She let’s Dean in on the fate that awaits him when his year long contract is up and it is NOT great. This isn’t the first time we see that there’s more to the demons than SPN has shown us in the past (hello, Ruby), but it is the first time Dean chills out enough to actually have a conversation with one. Dean doesn’t really get it, like he’s still not interested in getting out of his deal, but the fear gets planted, it just needs some time to grow. Oh, also, the Colt Ex Machina is back in action, so that's important.
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This dumb bitch thinks he can fool us with that devil-may-care side glance but he caaaan't
But then we get “Bedtime Stories”, the Sam episode, where Sam learns...to let go? That’s the point of this episode right? It’s about letting go of someone before that person becomes too toxic and dangerous? At least, that’s the lesson that Dean wants Sam to take away from this case. But Sam will NOT learn this lesson, so instead he tries to cancel Dean’s deal by killing the crossroads demon who wrote it. Spoiler Alert: it doesn't work.
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And then we get “Red Sky At Morning”, which opens and closes with some heavy emotional baggage, but then is stuffed full of fun. Like, this episode ricochets wildly in terms of Feelings, but then that’s probably what we should expect from SPN. I mean, what show have I been watching for 3 seasons now?
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Fun Facts guys: I’m a tired Millenial, and swapping DVD discs was too much work so I switched over to watching this season on Netflix and GUESS WHAT???? THESE EPISODES COME WITH A SUICIDE WARNING!?!?!
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They're not wrong.
And like, if that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about this season I don’t know WHAT will. Cuz Dean is absolutely suicidal and I am surprised (??) I guess (???) by how much the show acknowledges that. Or I guess, surprised by how much Netflix acknowledges that. It’s something that I did not...pick up on the first go around on season 3, possibly because I was 19 and I was an idiot and found this sort of emotional vulnerability to be endearing. Listen, I know there’s a lot to be said about the producers of the show making...umm…poor decisions in regards to character developments? But if the target demographic of this show was anything like me - and I suspect they were - then the viewers were also...probably...responding inappropriately to some of those character developments. And here’s the thing - I’m looking at this from 12 years in the future, with 12 years worth of real life drama that makes the heavy handed melodrama of television feel...well, heavy handed. Maybe irresponsible? Certainly a little uncomfortable. Big Me is having A Time confronting Little Me’s taste in TV Characters. It’s one thing to have a kink, Little Me, it’s another thing to romanticize suicidal depression.
And hey, I can’t deny that the character development for Dean makes sense. I actually appreciate that the show is thinking through the world and the relationship dynamics that they’ve built and the toll that these misadventures are having on their main characters. These episodes all get bookended by Impala Fights where Sam keeps pushing Dean to give a shit about his own life and Dean responds with an inability to care. That’s just where he is right now, and I get that. We’re early in the season still. But how will the rest of the season handle this? I honestly can’t remember but I also don’t want this to be a throw-away issue that they use to remind us that Dean’s supposed to die at the end of the season. I’m prob gonna come back to this throughout the season because I ~just~want~this~show~to be~repsonsiblllllleeeeeeeeeeee.
Lol, I know, that’s a lot to ask from the CW.
ON TO MORE FUN THINGS!!
Sam is gettin’ reeeeeallll bitchy in these episodes and #1, I love it, Bitchy Sam 5Ever, but also #2, was this supposed to be the sign that Sam was going darkside? Like, he’s snarky, he’s angry, he’s not pulling any punches and that could just be him reacting to his brother’s situation but it could also be….you know...him...becoming slightly...evil? For instance in “Sin City”, he kills the two demons who kidnapped Dean without even thinking. On the one hand, this is the Winchester MO, they kill demons, that’s their job, but on the other hand, Dean is actively telling Sam to stop. Same deal in “Bed Time Stories” - Sam kills the crossroads demon in cold blood (or maybe viscera). Again, we could blame this on instinct - the Winchesters were brought up to do exactly this - but 1) Dean keeps telling Sam not to and 2) that’s not Sam. This show spent 2 seasons telling us that Sam is the Good Brother, the White Hat, the Touchy-Feely One. This is not the Touchy Feely Sam who reasons with ghosts and falls in love with werewolves. Like, everyone else sees it too, right? Also, he is usually very nice to everyone but he is a REAL BITCH to Gertrude in “Red Sky at Morning.” Like, come on, Sam, she just wants to have a nice time. She is OLD. You really think she’s got what it takes to climb that tree?
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Honestly, how tall are this lady's heels?
I know that there was a plan for Sam to start Turning in this season before the show’s episode order got slashed due to the Writer’s Strike. And man, I really would have liked to have seen this play out. Like, first season Sam is the Innocent, right? He’s our stand in for the viewer in those first few episodes and then he’s revealed to be kind of the only thing that went right in the lives of both John and Dean, so Baby Must Be Protected at All Costs. The fact that John ultimately lets Sam go off to college and doesn’t contact him for the next four years says to me that on some level, John felt the need to preserve that innocence, that kind of untouched quality Sam has. Dean is very similar - whenever Sam gets too into the job, Dean calls him out on it. So in the second season when we find out that Sam might be evil, it’s a real punch in the gut, for Dean most of all. But then the show admittedly got bored with that storyline and it didn’t really go anywhere. So whereas Dean has personality in SPADES that fluctuates and changes and develops/maybe just gets more intense as the show goes on, Sam remains that kind of blank slate that the viewer can put their face on. Except now we’re in season three, and if you’ve bought into this show, then you’ve bought into it, so the audience doesn’t need a Blank Slate Sam anymore. And if you start with Sam the Innocent and then introduce the idea of Dark!Sam and then just leave that concept hanging, then isn’t this sort of like Checkov’s Evil Sam? If you introduce Evil Sam in the first act you really ought to deliver on Evil Sam by act three, right? Wouldn’t that have been A+ and Wild? Wouldn’t that have made Sam’s arc and emotional struggles over the previous seasons have more weight?
Will this be resolved in later seasons? Maybe. I’m gonna be honest, this is the last season I watched all the way through and seasons 4 through...like, 8 were real touch and go for me. I know that Sam ultimately is revealed to be a vessel for??? The devil??? And Dean is ultimately revealed to be a vessel for??? Michael??? And then the two of them???? Fight to the death???? Point is, season 5 got weird guys and I’m not there yet.
Back to more fun things! You know what guys?? I think I ship Dean and Bela. I’m...almost ashamed to admit it? Like, I remember Little Me watching this season and just dumping on Bela, I HATED her, but this time? I am 1,000% On Board This Ship. Like, there is an alternate universe somewhere where these two got a spinoff show that ran for 6 seasons and I watched EVERY episode. And then, like, 5 years after it ended, they rebooted it with Dean and Bela’s grown up daughter as the lead and the whole OG cast makes cameos over the three seasons it stays on the air and it’s amazing. I’d own both shows on DVD.
What I like about Bela this time around (and again, I am WILDLY surprised about this development), is that she can dish it just as hard as the Winchesters can. Like, every line Dean throws at her she holds up a mirror to say, “Oh yes, I know the Kettle is black, but what color are you, Pot?” and I’m just continually thrilled. She is also just as damaged as Dean is but somehow channeling it into a healthier way? Like, she’s true Chaotic Neutral, which is not necessarily healthy, it’s just healthier than Dean. Or maybe it’s just that she’s better at managing it. In either case, they are HOT MESSES and I love it. I just love it. I know I complained about shoehorned romances but Ackles and Lauren Cohan just totally crush it in every scene and when Dean walks down the stairs all She’s All That in “Red Sky at Morning”, I yelled at the screen OMG just BONE already!!!!! And then like, 5 seconds later, Bela literally says “We should really have angry sex,” and it was probably the most vindicating moment I’ve had on this ride so far.
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I just think they're neat!
WHY did we cancel her? WHY?? I don’t want to believe it was the Wincest again, so I’m gonna pretend that it wasn’t, but it was definitely fans. According to Kripke, Bela gets the axe at the end of this season because of the fan hatred of her. Now, I’ve already admitted that I personally held a grudge, but good Lord, what was wrong with us, as a Fandom? To be fair to me (and all of us), would we have felt differently if we had not been introduced to Jo a mere season earlier?? I'm gonna say yes. Although I had misgivings about Jo the first episode we meet her, by the end of season 2 I was certainly on her side. Working through season 3, I am remembering that, when we were introduced to Bela, I was immediately FURIOUS because WTF, WHERE’S JO? SPN just introduced to her. They just settled on a love interest for Dean and the writer’s just got me on board with that. Now they’ve completely done away with both that character AND that dynamic and you want me to get on board this NEW thing? And be excited about it??? So I'm gonna blame the love-interest-whiplash, combined with the fact that Little Me related my own personal self more to Jo than to Bela, that made me hate Bela in the first place. When you look at how quickly the show abandoned one character to introduce another character, it makes sense why fans got mad, but I’m also mad that we continued to hate Bela when she turned out to be such an A+ Frenemy. It makes me want to shout at the writers through the time void COMMIT TO A FEMALE CHARACTER YOU JAGWEEDS.
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What’s wild watching this show now is just how Male it was, especially considering its audience was already skewed heavily female by this point in the series. If you made this show today, I don’t know that you could do that. Today, there’s a real push for balanced, diverse casts in programming, especially in sci-fi/fantasy and young adult. I think if SPN had started in 2021, they would have introduced the Harvell’s or Bela up in season 1, and that introduction would have been much more intentional. The benefit of having a shorter episode count as the standard is that there’s less of the “throw stuff at the wall and see what sticks” approach. Looking at it from 2021, reading snippets of interviews from Kripke, that’s definitely what they’re doing with the side characters in these seasons and you can feel that in Jo and Bela. A shorter season means that the storytelling has to be tighter, it can’t wander, so every decision has to be a load-bearing decision. On the other hand, one of the down sides of having a shorter episode count is the exact same thing - less room to throw stuff, less room to experiment. Heck, Bobby was technically a character they threw at the wall and he didn’t just stick, he became a tentpole character of the series. The only side character that actually made it into the series finale even!
So how much room should we be giving our television programs? I think it depends on the show, honestly. I think you have to decide up front if you want space to experiment, or if you have one, tight, compact story line that’s gonna drive viewers from episode 1 right through the finale without giving them the chance to catch their breath. You have to make the decision, but that doesn’t mean we have to stop making one style of show in favor of the other. Just because we’re in the Age of Streaming doesn’t mean there isn’t room enough for both.
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wendynerdwrites · 7 years
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Meta Repost #1: The Trident Fight: Why We Need to Stop Blaming Little Girls and Start Blaming Irresponsible Adults and the Awful Society They Perpetuate
It’s back!
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I feel embarrassed that I feel the need to discuss the Trident scene in a meta at this point in time. It’s been four books and nearly twenty years since George R.R. Martin wrote the damn thing, and yet people still keep bringing this up as not only A defining moment for certain characters, but THE defining moment for certain characters. Especially for Sansa.
This is wrong. The person to be angry at isn’t Sansa or her sister. While both girls can get blamed for this event, Sansa tends to get the bulk of fandom hatred for the events that led to the death of Lady. I want to focus on why this viewpoint is wrong.
It’s just that so many of the mentions of the fight at the Trident between Arya and Joffrey, Sansa’s reaction, and the fallout are so often used to make really bad arguments. And, in fact, the whole instance is just misinterpreted a lot.
Usually, the Trident and subsequent hearing is often cited when people want to argue that Sansa Stark hates her sister, or Sansa was weak and stupid, or Sansa was super-duper-evil-selfish-and-wanted-to-throw-her-sister-under-the-bus-just-so-she-could-wear-a-tiara-and-was-willing-to-betray-everyone-to-do-it-and-also-she-is-probably-a-secret-Nazi-and-the-writer-of-High-School-Musical. Sansa has no honor. Sansa cared more about being a princess and impressing her crush than she did about anything. Arya is awesome and Sansa is the worst and here’s why. Sansa utterly betrayed Arya. Sansa was stupid. Sansa should have told the truth and she didn’t so she is the worst.
Okay, so everyone? Sansa may have actually done Arya a huge solid by saying she didn’t remember. It’s likely that her answer of “I don’t know, I don’t remember” was the best thing she could have done for not only her well-being, but Arya’s as well. The person who failed Arya wasn’t Sansa, it was Ned.
No, seriously. Hear me out on this one.
Now, a few things off the bat I want to establish: 1) Joffrey Baratheon was a sadistic little boy who attacked Mycah out of the desire to see him bleed. He got off on the suffering of others and that was his intention all along. 2) Yes, Sansa did often resent and antagonize her sister. I know that Jeyne Poole came up with the “Arya Horseface” name and that we don’t actually see Sansa use it. However, the fact that the name became wide-spread enough for people to remember it, and that Theon would have made the mistake that the name came from Sansa does indicate that she either used it herself or at least gave it enough of a blessing to allow that name to continue. As a huge Sansa fan, I have to say that in my opinion, Sansa’s lowest point as a character was her rant to Arya about how she should marry Hodor because she’s “stupid and ugly.” Sansa bullied Arya. Not all the time (and certainly not to the extent that some people claim), but it did happen. It was wrong and messed up, but it is true. 3) The relationship between the two sisters was seriously strained. 4) Arya was trying to defend her friend and what happened at the Trident was horrible and not her fault. 5) Yes, Sansa blinded herself to Joffrey’s cruelty in AGOT. She blamed Arya for the incident unfairly.
6) Up until the Trident fight, Sansa had no way of knowing Joffrey wasn’t Prince Charming.
7) Arya also had a tendency to antagonize and resent her sister unfairly. Why? Because that’s what siblings DO. Also, she’s a child. Kids can be dicks. Arya is not exempt from this. Because she’s a child. Sansa, being older and more capable of fitting into the social roles of her family, was in a position to do more damage to her sister. However, she was more or less actively encouraged to pick on her sister. Both girls were pitted against each other. Their primary caretaker, Septa Mordane, often made nasty comments about Arya while making rude comparisons to Sansa “Arya has the hands of a blacksmith”, etc. This happened CONSTANTLY. Sansa’s bullying of Arya was reinforced from all sides by their authority figures and the society they lived in. Arya’s resentment of Sansa, therefore, was likewise reinforced. The two fought in almost every interaction we see between them, partly because most of their interactions occur after the Trident. Their memories in later books are kinder. They used each other as outlets for their hurt feelings and acted out at one another. Because they’re children. It’s just that Sansa’s poor treatment of Arya was informed and reinforced by the abusive system they lived in. That is not Sansa’s fault. It doesn’t make what she did RIGHT, but it is the source of a lot of the emotional damage done to both girls and did insure that their relationship reached such an antagonistic level. Arya’s resentment towards her sister was also informed by the system in which they lived. 8) It doesn’t matter what Joffrey’s motives were in attacking Mycah. Not at all. At least, it doesn’t matter when it comes to the outcome or the reaction. Joffrey was always going to get off scot free for what happened. 9) Sansa and Joffrey were betrothed. It was considered a binding arrangement. Marriage was a system of ownership in Westeros. The husband owned his wife (they put it in kinder terms, but let’s not white-wash things here. Women were property. Husbands had legal rights to abuse, rape, command, control, imprison, and in some instances even kill their wives) 10) Joffrey was also the future king, giving him even greater authority over others. The common husband, according to TWOIAF, was allowed to beat his wife with seven strokes of a rod as wide as his thumb. Joffrey, as king, was allowed to order Sansa to be “beaten bloody” and stripped in front of the court. King Aerys Targaryen got away with raping, burning, and abusing his wife, Queen Rhaella. Aegon the Unworthy was allowed to systematically abuse and rape Queen Naerys and took joy in endangering their son (a story Sansa was intimately familiar with). Maegor the Cruel was able to kill multiple wives for not giving him an heir (another story Sansa would have known well). Baelor the Blessed imprisoned his sister-wives (another story Sansa definitely knew) Rhaegar Targaryen was only prince and still was able to abandon his wife for a younger woman and carry off Lyanna Stark. While Rhaegar DID NOT get away with this, it was only because of the huge war and rebellion that took place after. If Robert’s Rebellion hadn’t succeeded, Rhaegar likely would have gotten away with it. When a complaint was lodged against Aerys, the man set Lyanna’s father and brother on fire. Elia Martell and her children, left behind in the Red Keep by her husband, were brutally murdered and neglected more or less. Lyanna Stark died. Another story Sansa would have known VERY WELL. 11) Westeros is a country with a majorly divisive feudal, caste system. Highborn girls like Arya playing around with the sons of butchers was a HUGE breach of custom. The rights and safety of someone like Mycah didn’t matter to those in power. While Winterfell might have been an environment where Arya could have been “underfoot” and played with the children of the cooks and smiths, this was in no way the norm. Girls like her were encouraged and expected to consort with other girls of nobility or some sort of higher social status. For a “butcher’s boy” like Mycah, playing with the daughter of a Lord Paramount and the Hand of the King would have been considered him going above his station. It’s also a place where highborn people constantly get away with abusing and even killing common folk. Furthermore, “respect to one’s betters”, i.e., people of higher social standing, was expected and could be punished to the Nth degree. 12) Westeros is also a society that brainwashes young women to believe that it is their duty to accommodate their husbands at every turn. Ladies obey and please their lords, and to fail or resist is a dereliction of duty. 13) Westeros is also a society that encourages ideas of chivalry, of highborn men saving innocent women and children, often from monsters or evil lords or, on occasion, “common peasants.” 14) Arya was breaking more than one rule when she was playing with Mycah at the Trident. 15) (Controversial opinions time) Ned Stark is a really bad parent and shoulders quite a bit of the blame for what happened. Arya and Sansa are both little girls put in an awful situation. Their father utterly failed to handle it. None of this would have happened if Ned Stark wasn’t impressively negligent. I know people give him a lot of (deserved) crap for how he handled himself in King’s Landing vis a vis Cersei and the court, but I don’t see him called out for this shit enough. He’s no Tywin Lannister, but he still utterly shit the bed as a father to his daughters.
Okay, so with all of that background, let’s talk about that day and the morning after. I’m going to focus on this sequence of events in particular:
1) The events of Sansa I, where Sansa and Arya have an argument, Sansa encounters Ser Illyn and the Hound, spends the day with Joffrey, and the incident at the Trident happens 2) The events of Eddard III, the hearing and execution of Lady.
By the time we get to Sansa I, we know that Arya’s seen Joffrey act like a real dick. The fight with Robb showed her that Joffrey was a petulant brat, something Sansa didn’t witness. The only criticism Sansa’s heard of Joffrey thus far is, “Jon says he looks like a girl” per Arya I. Sansa’s interactions with her future husband so far have indicated that he’s polite. Also according to Arya I, he told Sansa that she was beautiful and gave every impression of being “gallant.”
Sansa’s been trained to be the perfect lady and wife, and to believe in romance, but also to accommodate royalty and men, as is her duty.
It was a great honor to ride with the queen, and besides, Prince Joffrey might be there. Her betrothed. Just thinking it made her feel a strange fluttering inside, even though they were not to marry for years and years. Sansa did not really know Joffrey yet, but she was already in love with him. He was all she ever dreamt her prince should be, tall and handsome and strong, with hair like gold. She treasured every chance to spend time with him, few as they were. —Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
Then there is Arya.
The only thing that scared her about today was Arya. Arya had a way of ruining everything. You never knew what she would do. — Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
Now, granted, this seems kind of a dick thing to say. But the problem is… Sansa is sort of right? In a way? Sort of. As much fun as Arya is, there is a good reason Sansa has to worry about Arya misbehaving and/or embarrassing her. Take this passage of Arya I, for example:
“What are you talking about?” Arya asked suddenly. Jeyne gave her a startled look, then giggled. Sansa looked abashed. Beth blushed. No one answered. “Tell me,” Arya said. Jeyne glanced over to make certain that Septa Mordane was not listening. Myrcella said something then, and the septa laughed along with the rest of the ladies. “We were talking about the prince,” Sansa said, her voice soft as a kiss…… “He’s going to marry her,” little Beth said dreamily, hugging herself. “Then Sansa will be queen of all the realm.” Sansa had the grace to blush. She blushed prettily. She did everything prettily, Arya thought with dull resentment. “Beth, you shouldn’t make up stories,” Sansa corrected the younger girl, gently stroking her hair to take the harshness out of her words. She looked at Arya. “What did you think of Prince Joff, sister? He’s very gallant, don’t you think?” “Jon says he looks like a girl,” Arya said. Sansa sighed as she stitched. “Poor Jon,” she said. “He gets jealous because he’s a bastard.” “He’s our brother,” Arya said, much too loudly. Her voice cut through the afternoon quiet of the tower room. Septa Mordane raised her eyes. She had a bony face, sharp eyes, and a thin lipless mouth made for frowning. It was frowning now. “What are you talking about, children?” “Our half brother,” Sansa corrected, soft and precise. She smiled for the septa. “Arya and I were remarking on how pleased we were to have the princess with us today,” she said. Septa Mordane nodded. “Indeed. A great honor for us all.” Princess Myrcella smiled uncertainly at the compliment. “Arya, why aren’t you at work?” the septa asked. She rose to her feet, starched skirts rustling as she started across the room. “Let me see your stitches.” Arya wanted to scream. It was just like Sansa to go and attract the septa’s attention. “Here,” she said, surrendering up her work. The septa examined the fabric. “Arya, Arya, Arya,” she said. “This will not do. This will not do at all.” Everyone was looking at her. It was too much. Sansa was too well bred to smile at her sister’s disgrace, but Jeyne was smirking on her behalf. Even Princess Myrcella looked sorry for her. Arya felt tears filling her eyes. She pushed herself out of her chair and bolted for the door. —Arya I, A Game of Thrones
I hate to tell you this, guys, but that’s the sort of thing that WOULD give a person a good reason to worry. Arya interrupted a private conversation about Joffrey. She insulted the crown prince in front of his sister. She attracted the attention of Septa Mordane (something she blames Sansa for, which, you know, is wrong. “Her voice cut through the quiet of the tower room” while Sansa had been trying to keep things quiet). Sansa actually covers for her when Mordane comes over and asks what they’re talking about, being courteous and pretending that Arya did the opposite of insult royalty. Then Arya gets reprimanded and she cries and runs from the room. So yes, sorry, Sansa does have a reason to worry about Arya turning things into a fiasco. She of course does it in the most resentful, pre-teen way possible, but her worry isn’t exactly unfounded.
But back to Sansa I.
She found Arya on the banks of the Trident, trying to hold Nymeria still while she brushed dried mud from her fur. The direwolf was not enjoying the process. Arya was wearing the same riding leathers she had worn yesterday and the day before. “You better put on something pretty,” Sansa told her. “Septa Mordane said so. We’re traveling in the queen’s wheelhouse with Princess Myrcella today.” “I’m not,” Arya said, trying to brush a tangle out of Nymeria’s matted grey fur. “Mycah and I are going to ride “upstream and look for rubies at the ford.” “Rubies,” Sansa said, lost. “What rubies?” Arya gave her a look like she was so stupid. “Rhaegar’s rubies. This is where King Robert killed him and won the crown.” Sansa regarded her scrawny little sister in disbelief. “You can’t look for rubies, the princess is expecting us. The queen invited us both.” –Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
Okay, so this isn’t great. The royal family invited both girls to ride with them. And yes, this is, as Sansa says, a great honor. It’s also pretty important for her future. Joffrey is her betrothed, Cersei her future mother-in-law. Making them happy will greatly affect her future. While Sansa’s determination to be “in love” with Joffrey does seem silly to a modern reader, there’s a very good reason for it. The second part of Bluecichlid’s excellent series of metas covered this pretty well. Joffrey is her future: her future monarch and her future owner. Both Cersei and Joffrey are going to be major influences on her for the rest of her life.
It’s better for her psychological well-being to believe that Joffrey is “all she ever dreamt her prince should be.” If not, well, the young man her father sold her to is a bust, and so is the rest of her life. Betrothals were considered VERY binding, marriage even more so. So yes, a lot is riding on Sansa impressing and pleasing the Lannister-Baratheon clan, including the wife of her monarch. Her well-being could very likely be shaped by the impression she gives now.
And then there’s Arya, who wants to snub the honor of Cersei’s invitation, covered in mud, and saying things like this:
“I don’t like the queen,” Arya said casually. Sansa sucked in her breath, shocked that even Arya would say such a thing, but her sister prattled on, heedless. “She won’t even let me bring Nymeria.” She thrust the brush under her belt and stalked her wolf. Nymeria watched her approach warily. “A royal wheelhouse is no place for a wolf,” Sansa said. “And Princess Myrcella is afraid of them, you know that.” “Myrcella is a little baby.” —Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
Remember, her sister also decided to mention aloud that their half-brother said that Joffrey looks like a girl in a room where Joffrey’s sister was sitting. So yes, Sansa’s frustration and fear is pretty warranted. As far as she knows, her entire future could be at least partially determined by the impression she makes on the Lannisters today (it is, as it turns out, just not in the way she expects). She’s an eleven-year-old girl who is looking at a future in a high-profile position as the wife, partner, and property of an extremely powerful person whom she doesn’t know very well. That is a ridiculous amount of pressure for a young girl to be under.
If Arya causes trouble, it isn’t just some brief embarrassment Sansa has to worry about. It’s her entire future and position.
So, keeping that in mind, there’s also this:
One day she came back grinning her horsey grin, her hair all tangled and her clothes covered in mud, clutching a raggedy bunch of purple and green flowers for Father. Sansa kept hoping he would tell Arya to behave herself and act like the highborn lady she was supposed to be, but he never did, he only hugged her and thanked her for the flowers. That just made her worse. Then it turned out the purple flowers were called poison kisses, and Arya got a rash on her arms. Sansa would have thought that might have taught her a lesson, but Arya laughed about it, and the next day she rubbed mud all over her arms like some ignorant bog woman just because her friend Mycah told her it would stop the itching. She had bruises on her arms and shoulders too, dark purple welts and faded green-and-yellow splotches; Sansa had seen them when her sister undressed for sleep. How she had gotten those only the seven gods knew. —- Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
And this:
“You’re not supposed to leave the column,” Sansa reminded her. “Father said so.” Arya shrugged. “I didn’t go far. Anyway, Nymeria was with me the whole time. I don’t always go off, either. Sometimes it’s fun just to ride along with the wagons and talk to people.”” —Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
Okay, so sorry guys, but Sansa’s actually totally right that her father should have told Arya to behave. And then enforced that. Especially after the flower incident. The fact that Ned didn’t take that as a warning and instead just smiled and allowed his daughter to continue breaking rules and direct orders is kind of… Super shitty parenting.
Yes, Arya got some flowers that just gave her a rash. But the next day? It could have been flowers that give her an even bigger rash and an infection that requires a medieval amputation. Arya’s not exactly kept things hygienic in an already bath-phobic society. The fact that Arya was rubbing fucking MUD on her skin inflammation… Yeah…
Of course Arya does this stuff. She’s an energetic kid who likes to have fun. She’s going to want to do these things. She’s got this cool older friend who told her that helps the itching. She prefers hanging out with her exploration buddy. Especially since every time she tries to join the sewing circle like a “proper lady”, she inevitably gets Septa Mordane on her ass insulting her in front of her peers.
But, you see, that’s sort of why Ned has a job to do, one he’s not doing. He’s left his daughters to a caretaker that neglects and emotionally abuses the younger one. And then doesn’t do much to protect his daughter and/or keep her from running around random countryside where she’s already encountered POISON FLOWERS. He doesn’t take the Poison Kisses as an indicator that MAYBE he should at least send a guard with Arya when she goes on these little expeditions.
And no, having her run around with a temperamental direwolf doesn’t count. Neither does having her run around with the kid who told her to rub mud into her rash.
Okay, so Sansa’s got her sister defying orders, bringing home poison flowers, covering herself in mud and bruises, insulting Sansa’s future royal in laws, and announcing plans to snub the queen. The queen. The mother of the future king Sansa is going to marry and, once again, BE LEGALLY OWNED BY.
And for the record, Sansa does try to coax her sister by promising cake and feather pillows and lack of mud-covered poison rashes. That was Arya’s cue to insult the queen.
So, now, completely humiliated, faced with having to tell her future mother in law that “I know that you invited us to come and spend the day with you, but my sister decided to go look for rubies in a lake with a boy that smells like dead meat instead. Have I told you how great an honor it is that you invited us? I can’t wait to join your family.”
Is it any surprise that minutes later, upon meeting Illyn Payne, she has a panic attack?
She heard the queen say, “Joffrey, go to her.” And her prince was there. “Leave her alone,” Joffrey said. He stood over her, beautiful in blue wool and black leather, his golden curls shining in the sun like a crown. He gave her his hand, drew her to her feet. “What is it, sweet lady? Why are you afraid? No one will hurt you. Put away your swords, all of you. The wolf is her little pet, that’s all.” He looked at Sandor Clegane. “And you, dog, away with you, you’re scaring my betrothed.” —Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
Yeah, there’s Joffrey, looking cute and telling people who are scaring her to stop freaking her out.
Then this happens:
“Joffrey, perhaps you would be so kind as to entertain our guest today.” “It would be my pleasure, Mother,” Joffrey said very formally. He took her by the arm and led her away from the wheelhouse, and Sansa’s spirits took flight. A whole day with her prince! —Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
Okay, so Joffrey’s just “saved” her from the freaky executioner dude. And now she has ALSO been spared the prospect of giving her queen the “My sister prefers the company of the boy who smells like dead cow to you” speech. And to top it all off, she actually gets to finally spend time getting to know the king-to-be her father sold her to. She’s going to make a good impression! Exactly what she needs!
““What would you like to do?” Be with you, Sansa thought, but she said, “Whatever you’d like to do, my prince.” Joffrey reflected a moment. “We could go riding.” “Oh, I love riding,” Sansa said.” —Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
This is a lie. Earlier in the chapter, she thinks about how much she hates it. But, also remember points 9, 10, and 12. We also know she’s afraid of making him angry, because earlier in the chapter:
“I can answer,” Sansa said quickly, to quell her prince’s anger.” —Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
“If you like,” she said uncertainly. “I suppose I could tie Lady up.” She did not quite understand, though. “I didn’t know you had a dog …” Joffrey laughed. “He’s my mother’s dog, in truth. She has set him to guard me, and so he does.” “You mean the Hound,” she said. She wanted to hit herself for being so slow. Her prince would never love her if she seemed stupid. “Is it safe to leave him behind?”” — Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
That’s a good question, Sansa. No, strangely enough, it is safe to leave him behind, even though logic dictates that it shouldn’t be. You’d think bringing a guard with the two high-profile, rich children would be the safer option but it’s the Hound, so no, not really. But good on you for having more sense than your father WHO NEVER SEEMS INTERESTED IN SENDING GUARDS WITH HIS CHILDREN. (yeah, there might be a whole other meta on this)
But then there’s this. “Her prince would never love her if she seemed stupid.” Points 9 and 10, guys. It’s super important that her prince love her. Which is also why she keeps drinking when Joffrey tells her to keep drinking. Why she suddenly loves riding. Why she takes his word for it that he’ll protect her.
Then the magical day starts. And what is described is what sounds like several hours of Joffrey charming her petticoats off. He promises to protect her, he gets her food, and he sings to her. He acts like every story she’s been told to believe in her entire life.
Also…
“They dined on trout fresh from the river, and Sansa drank more wine than she had ever drunk before. “My father only lets us have one cup, and only at feasts,” she confessed to her prince. “My betrothed can drink as much as she wants,” Joffrey said, refilling her cup. They went more slowly after they had eaten. Joffrey sang for her as they rode, his voice high and sweet and pure. Sansa was a little dizzy from the wine. ” —Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
Guys, the eleven year old is drunk now. Sansa doesn’t know how to hold her liquor yet. She’s eleven.
“Beyond, in a clearing overlooking the river, they came upon a boy and a girl playing at knights. Their swords were wooden sticks, broom handles from the look of them, and they were rushing across the grass, swinging at each other lustily. The boy was years older, a head taller, and much stronger, and he was pressing the attack. The girl, a scrawny thing in soiled leathers, was dodging and managing to get her stick in the way of most of the boy’s blows, but not all. When she tried to lunge at him, he caught her stick with his own, swept it aside, and slid his wood down hard on her fingers. She cried out and lost her weapon. Prince Joffrey laughed. The boy looked around, wide-eyed and startled, and dropped his stick in the grass. The girl glared at them, sucking on her knuckles to take the sting out, and Sansa was horrified. “Arya?” she called out incredulously. “Go away,” Arya shouted back at them, angry tears in her eyes. “What are you doing here? Leave us alone.” Joffrey glanced from Arya to Sansa and back again. “Your sister?”” —Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
So here is the scene they’ve come upon: A girl and a much older boy are hitting each other with sticks. The much older boy is winning and hits her so hard she drops her weapon. And Joffrey knows that the girl is highborn. And Mycah, who is a good three or four years older than Arya, is the butcher’s boy.
Points 11 and 13 come into play now. Which is why Joffrey does this:
““And you’re only a butcher’s boy, and no knight.” Joffrey lifted Lion’s Tooth and laid its point on Mycah’s cheek below the eye, as the butcher’s boy stood trembling. “That was my lady’s sister you were hitting, do you know that?”” — Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
Points 1, 8, and 13 guys.
Highborn girls were expected to obey and not take up swords. For Mycah, the son of a butcher, to play with a girl as highborn as Arya was a HUGE breach of conduct. That he was hitting her with a stick didn’t help. Nor does it help that Arya’s been spending her days with him and coming home with bruises everywhere for weeks now.
Joffrey wanted to hurt Mycah for fun. He doesn’t give a shit about Arya, and he finds the situation hilarious. He’s a sadist. The problem is: it doesn’t matter. Because he’s the prince, because Mycah is lowborn, because Arya is much younger than Mycah and a lady, because princes like Joffrey are supposed to be chivalrous and protect ladies from harm, because Joffrey’s got a powerful family, because a lowborn boy hitting a little lady is a HUGE taboo. It doesn’t matter why Joffrey does it.
All Joffrey has to say is this: “He was hitting my lady’s sister.”
And boom. Excuse for him to attack an unarmed, innocent boy in the eyes of Westeros law. Joffrey, as prince, is allowed to hurt boys like Mycah, especially when boys like Mycah were hitting his lady’s sister. He was being “chivalrous.” He was maintaining the status quo.
He was definitely doing the latter, at least.
“Arya went for him. Sansa slid off her mare, but she was too slow. Arya swung with both hands. There was a loud crack as the wood split against the back of the prince’s head, and then everything happened at once before Sansa’s horrified eyes. Joffrey staggered and whirled around, roaring curses. Mycah ran for the trees as fast as his legs would take him. Arya swung at the prince again, but this time Joffrey caught the blow on Lion’s Tooth and sent her broken stick flying from her hands. The back of his head was all bloody and his eyes were on fire. Sansa was shrieking, “No, no, stop it, stop it, both of you, you’re spoiling it,” but no one was listening. Arya scooped up a rock and hurled it at Joffrey’s head. She hit his horse instead, and the blood bay reared and went galloping off after Mycah. “Stop it, don’t, stop it!” Sansa screamed. Joffrey slashed at Arya with his sword, screaming obscenities, terrible words, filthy words. Arya darted back, frightened now, but Joffrey followed, hounding her toward the woods, backing her up against a tree. Sansa didn’t know what to do. She watched helplessly, almost blind from her tears.” — Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
Okay, so Joffrey is bleeding and attacking Arya, Sansa’s freaked out and calling for them to stop, and Arya has attacked Joffrey and is afraid. Sansa has gotten her first glimpse of Joffrey’s cruelty and feels helpless. In comes Nymeria. She bites Joffrey. Arya calls her off and brandishes a sword at Joffrey, Joffrey threatens to tell his mother, and Arya bolts when Sansa bids her to leave Joffrey alone (good advice).
“Joffrey,” she sobbed. “Oh, look what they did, look what they did. My poor prince. Don’t be afraid. I’ll ride to the holdfast and bring help for you.” Tenderly she reached out and brushed back his soft blond hair. His eyes snapped open and looked at her, and there was nothing but loathing there, nothing but the vilest contempt. “Then go,” he spit at her. “And don’t touch me.”” —-Sansa I, A Game of Thrones
Sansa is totally screwed at this point. There’s no going back. She doesn’t know this, but she’s aware that this is a huge problem. Even as she is trying to help him, he’s looking at her with hatred. Even though she’s not done anything. Joffrey is the type of boy who attacks little girls. Joffrey is looking at her with the vilest contempt. And Joffrey is the boy she is tied to for the rest of her life. The boy her father has betrothed her to.
Okay, so let’s move on to Ned III. They’ve found Arya, and she’s brought before the king after a night of being lost. She’s crying and sorry and freaking the fuck out because she’s a nine year old who was attacked by the prince, spent a night in the wilderness, and has now been dragged before the entire court like a criminal.
“Why was I not told that my daughter had been found?” Ned demanded, his voice ringing. “Why was she not brought to me at once?” —Eddard III, A Game of Thrones
Arya should have never been allowed to leave the progress unguarded in the first place.
She felt so tiny in his arms, nothing but a scrawny little girl. It was hard to see how she had caused so much trouble. “Are you hurt?”” — Eddard III, A Game of Thrones
Oh, I don’t know, maybe she’s an energetic kid left completely unattended in the wilderness and has a wolf for a pet? Maybe that’s how she caused all this trouble. (Actually, she didn’t and you know that. But whatever, look at the little girl who you know was defending her friend from the nasty, armed prince and view HER as the source of the trouble). Maybe the wolf you brought home and the guards you didn’t give her might have had something to do with the trouble. Even if you wanted to indulge her and let her go running with her friend, SEND SOME FUCKING GUARDS. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN OBVIOUS. POINT 15.
Now the actual trial part:
“The queen stepped forward. “You know full well, Stark. This girl of yours attacked my son. Her and her butcher’s boy. That animal of hers tried to tear his arm off.” “That’s not true,” Arya said loudly. “She just bit him a little. He was hurting Mycah.” “Joff told us what happened,” the queen said. “You and the butcher boy beat him with clubs while you set your wolf on him.” “That’s not how it was,” Arya said, close to tears again. Ned put a hand on her shoulder. “Yes it is!” Prince Joffrey insisted. “They all attacked me, and she threw Lion’s Tooth in the river!” Ned noticed that he did not so much as glance at Arya as he spoke. “Liar!” Arya yelled.” — Eddard III, A Game of Thrones
Okay, first of all, this is a farce: It doesn’t matter what the truth is.
Second of all: A surprising amount of what Joffrey and Cersei said were lies. Mycah didn’t hurt Joffrey, and he and Arya didn’t beat Joffrey with clubs, and Nymeria attacked him without Arya’s bidding. But it is true that Nymeria kind of tried to tear his arm off (good puppy) and you and Nymeria did attack him, and you did throw Lion’s Tooth in the river.
And unfortunately, that’s all that’s going to matter. Because you live in a awful, unfair world, Arya.
Seriously, one of the saddest parts of this whole thing was “He was hurting Mycah.”
Why? Because it doesn’t matter to anyone but Arya and the readers. Arya, it doesn’t matter that he was hurting Mycah. It doesn’t matter to the king, the queen, and his court. That would never affect the outcome of any of this. Joffrey is (supposed to be) the son of the king. Mycah is the son of a butcher. 8, 10, 11.
All Joffrey has to say is that Mycah was hitting you with a stick. That is true. If anyone with power over the situation might have cared, your game with Mycah would put an end to that. It won’t matter that you were just playing. You’re not supposed to play with fake swords, you’re a girl. You’re not supposed to play with the butcher’s boy, you’re noble. According to the standards of class and chivalry, Joffrey was intervening in a wholly inappropriate situation and punishing the lowborn boy attacking the highborn girl.
You should have known this. But your parents kind of suck at preparing themselves and their children for the world around them. So yeah. Mycah is getting his throat slit by the Hound for attacking the prince as you passionately testify that Joffrey was hurting him. I’m sorry. You’re a little girl who lives in a world where everything is terrible.
Okay, so then both Arya and Joffrey tell their version of what happened.
And then Ned decides to make another really awful parenting decision.
““They were not the only ones present,” Ned said. “Sansa, come here.” Ned had heard her version of the story the night Arya had vanished. He knew the truth. “Tell us what happened.”” — Eddard III, A Game of Thrones
Eddard Stark, YOU agreed to have your eleven-year-old daughter tied to this family. You had her swear an oath to marry Joffrey. You signed a contract. You did it so that the Lannisters would not question your loyalty as you investigated them for the murder of Jon Arryn. You are heading to King’s Landing to find evidence and bring the most powerful family in the country up on charges. The same family you have tied Sansa to in a legally binding sense. Sansa, the daughter who has been raised from birth to follow custom, be a perfect lady, and obey. The daughter who is tied to the boy you now know to have attacked your other daughter. The daughter whose future in laws you suspect of murder and treason. The daughter who has no idea WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
An hour ago, you were terrified that the Lannisters were going to hurt or kill Arya. You believe that the queen is responsible for Jon Arryn’s death. You know that she sent THE HOUND and her brother THE KINGSLAYER after your nine-year-old daughter.
So you’re asking eleven-year-old Sansa to go before her future husband and his murderous, traitor mother and call the prince a lying brute who attacks children. The same prince you’ve legally tied her to.
Both Joffrey and Cersei have attacked and/or tried to attack your children with lethal force. You KNOW this. Sansa is supposed to marry Joffrey, an arrangement you agreed to. And now you expect her to go up against them in a court of law.
“His eldest daughter stepped forward hesitantly. She was dressed in blue velvets trimmed with white, a silver chain around her neck. Her thick auburn hair had been brushed until it shone. She blinked at her sister, then at the young prince. “I don’t know,” she said tearfully, looking as though she wanted to bolt. “I don’t remember. Everything happened so fast, I didn’t see …” “You rotten!” Arya shrieked. She flew at her sister like an arrow, knocking Sansa down to the ground, pummeling her. “Liar, liar, liar, liar.” “Arya, stop it!” Ned shouted. Jory pulled her off her sister, kicking. Sansa was pale and shaking as Ned lifted her back to her feet. “Are you hurt?” he asked, but she was staring at Arya, and she did not seem to hear.” — Eddard III, A Game of Thrones
Sansa’s entire future might have depended on this moment if not for the fact that the Lannisters are insane. In a somewhat sane, logical world, where fathers don’t betroth their daughters to the sons of suspected murderers, what Sansa did in this passage might have saved her and her sister.
If she had backed up Arya’s story, it would not have helped the situation. The closest thing to consequences that might have come about for Joffrey would be for attacking Arya.  And even then, an argument might be made for self-defense. It wouldn’t be a valid one, but it would win out because Joffrey is heir to the throne.
Joffrey might have been punished somewhat. Not severely, though, if Cersei has a say (and she does). Joffrey would still be heir to the throne. Someday, he’d be king. And he’d be very, very angry with both Stark sisters.
She’s seen Joffrey attack her sister once. Someday he might do it with a crown on his head and absolute authority. As far as Sansa knows, she’s still going to marry him.
We know she told Ned what happened earlier. The fact that her father didn’t decide right then and there that the betrothal would end speaks volumes. Her father didn’t make that decision. But he has made the decision to drag her up in front of her future husband and have her call him a lying psychopath.
If Joffrey doesn’t hate Sansa, if she finds a way to rectify the vile contempt she saw on his face, she’s potentially not the only person who is safer.
Yeah, Arya is safer if Joffrey likes Sansa as well. Everyone is. This won’t happen, but Sansa doesn’t know that.  
In a drunken haze, partially blinded by tears, Sansa saw Joffrey attack her sister. Before that, Joffrey had been charming. Sansa’s approach to her relationship with him even before this happened was to “quell her prince’s anger.” She’s always intended to be a tempering influence on him. That becomes much harder if he hates her.
However, if she agrees with Joffrey’s story, she’s selling out her sister and possibly subjecting her to a cruel punishment. It’s a capital offense to attack the prince. Even though Arya, due to her birth and age, wouldn’t be executed or tortured or something, it likely that this incident would ruin her life and lead to some severe violence for her down the road. Years from now, she’d have a king who hates her and the mark of being a criminal to make her even more vulnerable.
So, Sansa gives a non-committal answer.
She’s already told her father the story. He didn’t pull the plug on the betrothal even though he believes her. He didn’t use her honesty to protect her. He used it to fling her out in front of the most powerful family in the country and endanger her entire future. The future HE set her up for in the first place.
The thing is, it doesn’t matter if Sansa backed her sister up for another reason:
“Their only good fortune was that both Jaime Lannister and Sandor Clegane were missing, leading searches north of the Trident.” —- Eddard III, A Game of Thrones
It had already been decided that the Starks would suffer for this, regardless of who was at fault. The king allowed his wife to send her brother the Kingslayer and The Hound out after a nine-year-old. Justice for Arya and Mycah was never in the cards.
And then the wolves.
That was when Sansa finally seemed to comprehend. Her eyes were frightened as they went to her father. “He doesn’t mean Lady, does he?” She saw the truth on his face. “No,” she said. “No, not Lady, Lady didn’t bite anybody, she’s good …” “Lady wasn’t there,” Arya shouted angrily. “You leave her alone!” “Stop them,” Sansa pleaded, “don’t let them do it, please, please, it wasn’t Lady, it was Nymeria, Arya did it, you can’t, it wasn’t Lady, don’t let them hurt Lady, I’ll make her be good, I promise, I promise …” She started to cry. All Ned could do was take her in his arms and hold her while she wept. He looked across the room at Robert. His old friend, closer than any brother. “Please, Robert. For the love you bear me. For the love you bore my sister. Please.” The king looked at them for a long moment, then turned his eyes on his wife. “Damn you, Cersei,” he said with loathing. Ned stood, gently disengaging himself from Sansa’s grasp. — Eddard III, A Game of Thrones
As much as I want to completely blame Cersei and Robert and Joffrey for Lady’s death, I can’t.
Really, Ned? THAT is the extent of your protests? Sansa did absolutely nothing wrong. You are Hand of the King. Offer to send Lady back to Winterfell (and send your daughters back too, FFS).
Or better yet, offer to do it yourself and then sneak Lady out of there!
“Shortly, Jory brought him Ice. When it was over, he said, “Choose four men and have them take the body north. Bury her at Winterfell.” “All that way?” Jory said, astonished. “All that way,” Ned affirmed. “The Lannister woman shall never have this skin.” —- Eddard III, A Game of Thrones
NED YOU SUCK ALL THE DICK.
You’re denying Cersei the pelt. You feel confident enough to deny the crown proof that Lady is dead. You want to send her back to Winterfell. You do.
Lady SHOULD have been sent back to Winterfell, but not to be buried. The fact that she is? Yeah, NED’S FUCK UP. AN UNNECESSARY ONE.
And then this:
“No sign of your daughter, Hand,” the Hound rasped down, “but the day was not wholly wasted. We got her little pet.” He reached back and shoved the burden off, and it fell with a thump in front of Ned. Bending, Ned pulled back the cloak, dreading the words he would have to find for Arya, but it was not Nymeria after all. It was the butcher’s boy, Mycah, his body covered in dried blood. He had been cut almost in half from shoulder to waist by some terrible blow struck from above. — Eddard III, A Game of Thrones
Remember what I said about justice never being in the cards? Here is your proof. The Hound didn’t even know they’d already found Arya. But he slaughtered Mycah. This was an inevitability, just as Joffrey getting away with what happened was. No matter what Sansa said.
Even if she backed Arya up. Even if Joffrey was punished and judged the sole aggressor. Mycah would still be dead. Joffrey would still be heir to the throne and angry at both Stark girls. And Sansa would never have a chance of “quelling her prince’s anger.”
A lot of people hate Sansa based on this and the fact that she blamed Arya for the incident later. That she didn’t see what Joffrey was then. That she trusted Cersei.
As Bluecichlid says in her meta, confronting the reality of the situation would cause a huge psychological break for Sansa.
Sansa has a history of rewriting events in her head to cope. The most famous example would be the Unkiss, where she remembers the Hound kissing her during the battle of Blackwater. He didn’t. He snuck into her room, put a knife to her throat, forced her onto the bed, and threatened to kill her. But she rewrites it in her head as a kiss.
She does the same thing with the Trident. In her subsequent chapters, she looks back on the event internally blaming Arya. It’s not just something she says, but something she thinks. She believes her sister, who had a habit of insulting the royal family and misbehaving, who literally attacked her in front of the entire court, attacked the prince with Mycah. She remembers again when she can no longer deny what Joffrey is, but consciously, throughout the rest of A Game of Thrones, she believes her sister is responsible.
George R.R. Martin has gone on record saying that the loss of Lady has had a serious impact on Sansa’s mental state. It’s not entirely surprising—all the Stark children, according to Martin, are wargs, and they come into their powers through their bonds with their direwolves. We see it with all of Sansa’s siblings. Even Rickon and Bran, who are far younger than her, enter their wolves’ minds. Arya possesses Nymeria even after they are parted and can possess the minds of other animals at will. Meanwhile, Sansa’s power hasn’t developed at all. This natural ability has been cut off and stunted.
During the fight, it’s mentioned that Sansa is “blinded by tears”. And soon after, she is robbed of her ability to ever see through the eyes of her wolf, who is a core part of her being. Despite the fact that Sansa didn’t do anything wrong, she, like Mycah, was punished. And she is still legally tied to a cruel boy. So yes, she alters her conscious memories and refuses to confront the truth. She stays blind in order to keep some semblance of her sanity and hope for her future.
Neither girl was responsible for what happened. Both of them were neglected and put in an extremely dangerous situation. Sansa, who lost her wolf, processes this internally, in an unhealthy manner to cope with the tragedy. Arya, who didn’t lose her wolf, does remember what happened. She “hates” her sister as much as Sansa “hates” her (they’re super, super pissed at each other with the sort of anger one can only feel towards family and congressmen). They both unfairly blame one another for things that are not their fault. The difference is, Arya didn’t have a piece of her soul killed by her father. So she deals with things like a normal little girl. Sansa, who lost Lady and is still looking at an impossible future, does not.
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