#or a lesbian who had a history with men and felt like they couldn't just call themselves a lesbian because of that

[drdemonprince]

Something I think you're missing in how you talk about trans men: how recently you transitioned.

I came out circa 2007, and there was almost no information about us, no community where I lived (the local support group was all older trans women), no media outside of "Boys Don't Cry" and the way-better-but-still-basic "Parrotfish," no anything at all except TERF lesbian communities that coveted and hated us in equal measure, and general GSAs that were sweet, but dominated by cis people. I learned that the worst thing in the world I could be was a trans man - to be a trans man was to be a regressive agent of the patriarchy, and if I couldn't force myself to be nonbinary or a cis woman, I was evil.

In the early 2010s I attended a conference where a trans woman, a national celebrity I looked up to, made a joke about how useless trans men are during her keynote speech. I walked out of that room crying because as far as I knew, she was right - I was almost an elder by the standards of an atomized community where we were expected to die young, and even I couldn't name a single trans man in history who'd mattered.

We take it for granted now that trans men like Lou Sullivan made a difference, but to bring attention to him, folks like me had to swim upstream against a wave of accusations of misogyny from TERFs, and sometimes even from trans women. The acceptance you rejoice in at bathhouses? That was hard won through outreach by trans men. I even remember a specific trans male-run ambassador program in San Francisco circa 2013 dedicated to integrating trans men into the queer male community.

The world that's welcomed you was built by trans men who, like me, felt agonizingly alone and unwanted in both cis and trans communities. You paint a picture of lazy hangers-on who don't understand how good they have it, and maybe that's true for the folks you're looking at, but they don't reflect the hard work trans men have been putting in at every level of organizing for much longer than our efforts have been recognized. I've been involved in the fight for our liberation since I was a teenager, working on school and state-level policy change, medical access, the preservation of history, mentorship, dodging evictions, and all the little jobs my tired, autistic ass can take on, and I've never been rewarded for it outside the thanks of the people I've helped. All I ever wanted was to make things better for the generations that came after me.

I'd just like to have that reality acknowledged - that those of us who came before you built what you're now able to enjoy, and we can use that history to empower and encourage younger generations to continue doing the work instead of implying that no one's been doing it at all.

Thank you for this message. I would like to read a lot more about your perspective on this history. Please let me know your @ -- in private if you prefer. There are some elements of how this is framed here that do make me go, hm (the view was the worst thing you could be was a trans man?) but I am also appreciative of this this glimpse at what I don't know I don't know, and am interested to learn more about it.

But I also want to push back against the idea that I have no knowledge of how things were during the times you're talking about -- I was a queer, gender-questioning adult at that time too, and I was active in many trans spaces.

My medical transition is very recent in the grand scheme of things but I've been rolling deep with trans guys and going to trans masc events since 2003-2004 (in Cleveland and Columbus). I remember how the not-full-blown TERFY yet still very toxic radfems spoke about men, sexually preyed upon trans guys in some cases, and sometimes said things critical of transition. I knew several trans guys who had quite a guilt complex about becoming a "man" because they had internalized that men were inherently predatory and evil. Personally, I'd always thought that line of thinking was absurd and a very poor excuse for feminism, so it didn't get under my skin in the same way. Instead of making me not want to be a man, it made me not want to be a feminist. Which is pretty typical sexist bro shit to do really. Again, no big evidence of transmisandry here. certainly experiences that were emotionally very fraught and challenging for people, but not misandry or transmisandry.

These queer and feminist groups that I moved within were VASTLY more exclusionary to the trans femmes in the city, who were not even permitted to attend events for sexual assault survivors in the Columbus scene. I DID see trans women on the social periphery of these groups be discouraged from transitioning, and I did hear just about every vile transmisogynistic slur and exclusionary idea you can think of be passed around by many without challenge.

The transmisogyny stood out to me even back then as particularly egregious and rampant -- it disgusted me and caused me to distance myself from those groups of people in 2007-8. It was the outspoken hatred of anyone with an "amab" body and frothing transmisogyny that made me not want to be associated with that crowd or to contemplate transition, honestly -- not any kind of widespread anti-transmasc sentiment. These groups held top surgery fundraisers and hormone start date celebrates for trans guys and expressed desire for trans men openly and included them warmly in just about everything while treating trans women like predators and telling them they should just be feminine men (far, far away from them).

So my experience just does not track with what you are saying. I imagine we have two very different vantage points on similar periods of time, and I think there certainly is a lot more about trans masc history I could stand to learn and so many trans masc elders' whose names I should be putting more respect on. And I'd be very open to hearing more about that from you. But I do have to push back against the characterization of the era as someone who very much was there.

[pillarsalt]

Any advice for women questioning if they might be bi?

This is an interesting question that I'm not quite sure how to answer. I thought I might tell you what my own experience in figuring out my sexuality was like, but I might have a bit of a weird story since understanding my attraction to men was actually more difficult than my attraction to women. This is stupid long and a bit navel gazey (walking down memory lane since I'm currently staying at my mom's place in my hometown). If you want to skip to the TLDR section at the bottom, I put the advice that came to me while writing this there. I hope it helps a bit, but if not, maybe others might want to add their own advice for anon in the replies?

I grew up in a smaller Alberta city that leaned conservative, but I was lucky enough to have open-minded and accepting parents who were pro gay rights. I went to catholic school (for french immersion lol), and before I even had the awareness that same sex attracted people existed, my elementary school friend group ostracized me, they said they thought I was a lesbian because I liked dinosaurs and roughhousing too much.

I was very confused until I was about 12 and learned that women could indeed be attracted to and have relationships with other women; that's when the understanding hit that there was a reason I felt differently about certain girls than I did about my other girl friends. Why I loved to sit next to them and stare at each individual feature of their faces when they talked, why I treasured the chihuahua webkinz Cristina from the bus gave me for christmas so much (I bought her a pack of lip smacker lip balm, this is so nostalgic lol), why I often gave Julia from my soccer team a playful shove if only to touch her for just a second. Now I knew what I was feeling. The problem was, aren't girls supposed to like boys? My peers would talk about how hot this one was and how they wanted that one's number; I just didn't get it. Boys were all just kind of weird and gross and scary to me.

In the next couple years I read more about lesbian gay and bisexual history and culture, learned that it wasn't wrong for me to love women but that many people wouldn't accept that. In high school (catholic high school!), if people asked, I answered truthfully, and it didn't make me popular. This is basically the reason I absolutely hate the word Queer; I had that word spat at the back of my head in the hallways by the grease ape hockey players who joked about "drinking beers and hitting queers". I had my share of crushes but didn't dare act on them. It frankly sucked, but I still made some friends.

(Funny tangent here: I had made a couple of new friends who were kind of in the 'cool bad girls' clique but didn't know my reputation. At lunch one day they stole my phone and as a prank they texted my mom "I have something to tell you... I like women" and she answered "you already told me that??" LMAOOO my mom felt so bad but like I told her, how was she supposed to know? anyway those girls didn't hang out with me much after that.)

Later on, I tried harder to fit in at school. I wore a lot of makeup and had a boyfriend for a couple months, which only confused me further. He asked me out and he was considered desirable and he was nice and didn't make fun of me, so I said yes. I used to set an alarm on my phone when I was at his place and pretended my mom was calling me and I had to leave. That scene at the start of But I'm a Cheerleader where Megan is just sitting there letting her boyfriend make out with her while she waits for it to be over, it really resonated with me when I watched it the first time lol. When he started hinting he wanted to have sex and put my hand on his boner through his pants, I couldn't take it anymore and ended it. I began to think I just wasn't into men at all. I kind of ignored them after that.

After a tumultuous almost-relationship with another girl who got then scared into claiming she was straight again by the homophobia at school and her religious mother (and then we weren't allowed to be each other's grad partners even as platonic friends), I had my first girlfriend after I graduated high school (we're still friends although she's fully into the theythem sphere now). She moved to another province and I discovered I'm not the type of person who can handle long distance relationships, so that was the end of that.

Finally in college, where people usually have their same-sex experimentation phase, I instead discovered that I am indeed attracted to men, I guess it just took me a while to find the ones who did it for me. A coworker turned close friend turned FWB turned long-term boyfriend confirmed that for sure. It was a whirlwind of self discovery but I was glad to have finally figured out what I was questioning for so long. So at the age of 19, I became as sure as I am now that I am not gay, not straight, but bisexual. I don't know if the kinsey scale thing is bullshit or not but I'd say I sit at about a 4. Things sort of fell into place for me eventually, which I think was lucky for me and I'm grateful for it.

TLDR SECTION:

I knew I was attracted to women from my early teens on, didn't figure out if I liked men until college years.

So if you're still with me, that's why I don't exactly know what advice to give you. Honestly, I wrote all of that mostly hoping you might find something relatable in there to build off of. Basically, are you romantically attracted to women, do you want to hold her hands, kiss her deeply, spend all your time with her, be filled with joy when you hear the beautiful sound of her voice, hold her closely until you fall asleep together? and Are you sexually attracted to women, is there a longing in you when you think about touching her body, her breasts, her stomach, her lips, her thighs, her vulva, the sensation of her touching you too? If it's yes to all of the above... yeah you're probably attracted to women.

But if it's yes to only one subset or another, here's the thing: I've seen a ton of straight people online and in my personal life claim they're bi because they're able to tell which individuals of their own sex are conventionally attractive or not. I posted a while ago about my straight male coworker who said "I think the guitarist in my favourite band is hot so I guess I might be queer?" and my other coworkers who immediately jumped in like YES YOU'RE QUEER YOU'RE SO QUEER leaving me like... okay but would you kiss him? Have sex with him? Fall in love with him? Again that's not necessarily your case, just that the lines have been seriously blurred when it comes to sexuality, between this sort of "everyone can be queer" thing and also the ubiquity and oversaturation of porn. Porn warps the shit out of all your mental processes but especially arousal and romantic and sexual bonding. This is how we get those women who talk about how they would fuck women but never have a romantic relationship with her. Porn culture warps their minds into viewing other women as objects from which to derive sexual pleasure, even if their natural orientation is heterosexual.

I guess my number one advice is that if you want to try romance and intimacy with a woman, MAKE SURE you are upfront with the fact that you're questioning your sexuality. There's no shame in questioning, of course. But another user and I were just talking about the large number of curious straight women who go on dating apps and waste the time and crush the spirits of gay and bi women who are just looking for love, not looking to be a litmus test or an experiment. I'm sure there are women out there who would be happy to explore your attraction with you, but also be on the lookout for people looking to take advantage of you and ABSOLUTELY run the other way if it's a het couple looking for a third, holy fuck don't even give those crusties the time of day.

Another piece of advice for you is that no two women are the same. Being attracted to women doesn't mean you'll be attracted to EVERY woman. This is why I'm wary of the types who say "I'm attracted to all women and only some specific men" like that sounds fake as fuck. Bi and gay woman have types and preferences just like straight women do.

All you can really do is keep thinking on it, keep exploring your feelings. It could help to talk it out with other lesbian or bisexual women in your life if you're lucky enough to have them. I wish you the very best but don't stress too much over it either. There's no rush, take your time, be well.

#ask #bisexuality

[chocolatte-and-despair]

Ooh, can I ask for some headcanons for Hiyoko Saionji, Ibuki Mioda, & Sayaka Maizono (/Sonia Nevermind) My lesbian heart just love love LOVES them ❤️❤️

Sayaka Maizona

Sayaka loved her groupmates, but there was one specific groupmate that she loved a little bit differently than others. That groupmate was you. You were one of the new members, and you were brash, and childish, but that was part of your charm.

Many fans had dubbed you as a tsundere, and Sayaka couldn't agree more, often times teasing you lovingly about it. She just loved how flustered and puffy eyed you got whenever you were embarrassed or teary.

How did Sayaka's feelings develop? Well, it just happened naturally. Being friendly and determined to achieve her goals, when you joined her group, she did not give up on you even if you were rude and often times liked to isolate yourself.

Through her determination, she figured out that you put up that cold front because of personal fears. And soon enough, she learned to read you like a book.

Maybe it was the fact that she was the only one to understand you in such a way made her so obsessive over you. I mean, you had nobody but her, she had to give you all her time, no?

After she got kidnapped and brought in this insane game, she didn't want to hurt anyone, but seeing the video of you being touched by someone else, and kissed forcefully, made her realize that if she didn't get out and save you, you will be forever lost.

She would do anything for you, even kill.

Hiyoko Saionji

Hiyoko always disliked men. She never felt comfortable around them, and hated when men would become her managers. But when you came into her life and started to manage all of her performances, and finances, stuff started to become a little bit better.

The two of you were a little apart in age, but that was alright for her. She'll be an adult in a few months! She didn't mind. But you did. It infuriated Hiyoko how you never reciprocated her advances, even if she made it very clear that she was serious about you.

It was because she looked so childish? She usually didn't hate her body, finding it a good tool to manipulate adults, but in this moment, she truly wished she was more mature to be able to attract you.

Hiyoko always had a spoiled nature and haughty attitude, so it was no surprise that whenever she noticed that you started to get along with someone that was not her, she would start harassing that person.

The only exception was any member of her family, but it didn't mean she wouldn't curse their name in that moment, before she would calm down.

How did the ultimate despair trick Hiyoko into despair? Of course, she promised Hiyoko you and complete ownership over you. Everything else is history, especially now that you are her perfect doll.

Sitting still, looking pretty, and without the ability to leave her anymore.

Ibuki Mioda

Ibuki was a genius of a kind. But with most geniuses, it's hard to realize their beauty, for it's unique and different from what you are used to. But you were different.

You were a loner at her school, usually staying away from most on your own accord, only having one or two friends you occasionally spoke to, but primarily, you spent time alone.

On one of your travels through your old school, you heard music coming from a room and went to check it out.

The music you heard was experimental and not many could appreciate it in it's raw form, but you were in awe. You didn't shy away from telling her that you loved her music. You even asked how you could support her or hear more of her music.

Ibuki always knew that she was a great musician, but with this new adventure into finding a new style for her, it was hard when nobody could appreciate her. But finally, she found someone who did.

You were her first fan. Her first manager. Her first friend who understood her music. And most importantly, you were her first love.

Ibuki didn't hide her feelings for you, and you didn't hide your dislike for committed relationships, be it platonic or romantic. You didn't even consider her a friend on an official level. But that was okay, she was determined to make you a part of her journey.

She was nothing but persistent. Following you around, creating opportunities where you two could be together. And besides, even if she didn't do any of that, her music always brought you back in her arms.

She was content for now. But for how much longer would she be?

#yandere danganronpa imagines #yandere imagines #danganronpa imagines #yandere danganronpa headcanons #yandere headcanons #danganronpa headcanons #yandere danganronpa #yandere #hiyoko saionji #yandere hiyoko saionji #ibuki mioda #yandere ibuki mioda #sayaka maizono #yandere sayaka maizono

[cocklessboy]

Toxic Masculinity and Imposter Syndrome

I didn't figure out I was a trans man until I was 35. I knew I hated being a girl. I knew I wished I were a guy. But I didn't think I was allowed to be a guy, because I wasn't MANLY enough. I was too soft. Too sensitive. Too emotional. I would have told any OTHER guy that that's just toxic masculinity speaking, that men can be soft and sensitive and in fact it's good when they are! But somehow I couldn't apply that to myself.

When I was "mistaken" for a guy, referred to with male terms or he/him pronouns, I felt a rush of guilt and shame. I wasn't allowed to be a man, you see. I would rush to correct anyone. No no no! I'm a girl! Ignore my short hair, my men's clothes, my masculine body language and mannerisms and stereotypically male interests. No, I'm not a lesbian, I'm straight! I'm attracted to men, not women! I'm just... like this.

I couldn't be a trans man, I figured, because if I were, being "mistaken" for a man would feel good, right?

Imposter syndrome kept me from understanding who I was for three and a half decades. But even once I'd figured it out, even once I transitioned, even once I started passing as male, I still felt like I wasn't allowed.

I wasn't doing MAN well enough. I was too soft. I was too sensitive. My facial hair was too patchy. My voice was too high. Everyone would know I wasn't a REAL man. I rushed to bury any sign of softness or femininity, not even out of fear of what other people would think, but out of shame for still, somehow, not being MANLY enough. Even though I hadn't been directly taught that I was a man and meant to hide my emotions and be hard and cold and aggressive, I'd learned those lessons anyway.

I tried talking to some of my cis guy friends about this, but they weren't helpful. They'd learned the MANLINESS lessons too well. They'd laugh it off, uncomfortably. Or proudly declare that they hadn't cried since they were 12 years old. Or shrug and say yeah well, welcome to being a man hahahahaha! then change the subject. None of them said they had the same problem or felt the same way. They wouldn't even have a non-sarcastic conversation about it.

Well, fuck. Maybe I'm really NOT manly enough.

Then one day I met this guy. Just a casual acquaintance, met in a professional setting. A very good-looking, good-natured, positive, sweet, funny guy. I even developed a little crush on him. But this guy was very obviously some genre of neurodivergent. He was very open and direct. He talked about his feelings even with people he didn't know well. He didn't bury his excitement at something interesting or his empathy when someone wasn't feeling well. He volunteered all kinds of personal information. He would ask all sorts of personal questions, then quickly realize what he was saying and backpedal, apologizing, saying he hoped he wasn't prying. I had to reassure him over and over again that I didn't mind. It was clear that he had a history of being told off for being inappropriate or rude. He was what many people would consider an "oversharer". Well, so am I. I liked how he kept volunteering personal information. It made me feel comfortable doing the same thing. We quickly bonded, though the nature of our relationship required us to keep a certain formal distance.

When I told him I was trans, somewhat sheepishly, he got visibly excited. He wasn't trans himself, but he found it fascinating. He had questions about my transition (quickly apologizing for asking - is it okay if he asks this? - it's alright if I tell him to shut up!) and I assured him I don't mind talking about it and answered his questions.

Then I mentioned that I was feeling pretty bad about my facial hair. His whole face went 😲 and he interrupted me to blurt out I FEEL BAD ABOUT MY FACIAL HAIR TOO!!! (sorry sorry sorry for interrupting!) He pointed to a few spots on his face that didn't grow hair and said he always felt unmanly for not being able to grow a "proper" beard.

But his beard was beautiful. It was fairly thick and soft even though he had fair hair. The spots that didn't grow hair were just... the shape of his beard. I had to suppress a laugh. I told him his beard was amazing and I'd kill for that kind of facial hair. He was shocked to hear it. He said no one had ever complimented his beard (but of course, who would ever think to do so?) and he'd gone his whole life assuming it was pathetic.

Then I told him about my voice. It had pretty much settled at this point, and though it had gotten a lot deeper, it was still kind of... adolescent sounding. Squeaky. Nerdy.

Again the 😲 and an interruption - MY VOICE IS SQUEAKY TOO! (His voice is. Not Squeaky.) Now and then, he said, he hears his voice crack, even though he left puberty many years ago. He still hears the occasional squeak and he knows everyone can hear it and is certain everyone thinks he's weird and unmanly because of it.

His voice is beautiful. I've never once heard it squeak. While we were talking he said THERE IT IS AGAIN! THAT WAS IT, DID YOU HEAR IT??? I hadn't. There was no squeak. I told him that his voice probably just sounds different in his head than it does to other people. I promised him I'd never heard his voice squeak. He looked ready to cry. All this time he'd been ashamed of something that wasn't even a thing.

We ran out of time to chat, but as we were saying our goodbyes, he thanked me for talking to him about my insecurities. He'd never been able to have such conversations with other men before. He'd spent his life convinced he was the only one. That he wasn't manly enough. I assured him that he was, in fact, very manly indeed, in the ways that mattered. That his beard was enviable and his voice was steady and pleasant on the ears. And I thanked him for sharing his feelings with me, because I'd desperately needed to know I wasn't alone, either. And he assured me that I was perfectly manly as well.

So this is me, passing on these thoughts to the rest of the world. To other men, whether cis or trans: feeling like you're the only one who isn't MAN ENOUGH is actually extraordinarily common. It's something we've all been taught by the toxic masculinity in our culture. It's bad and wrong that we were taught that, but we are not bad and wrong for feeling insecure. And if you're the kind of person who would rush to assure other men that it's actually good for men to be soft and kind and sensitive and empathetic and open about their feelings, put in the effort to make sure you apply that to yourself, too. You might be amazed at how much good you can do the other men in your life just by being honest about your insecurities, because a lot of them are probably hiding scared in their little bubbles, convinced they're the only ones. (And many of them might not respond in kind. The fear might be too deeply ingrained to overcome. But it can still do some good, both for them and for you, to be honest about it anyway.)

We're half the human race. There's a lot of us. And the only qualifier for being a MAN is feeling like that's what you want to be.

#masculinity #toxic masculinity #transgender #transmasc #queer #imposter syndrome

[chipped-chimera]

Okay gimmie a sec I need to scream about being a Lesbian and my frustrations around it as someone signing on late.

Will I post this? Idk. But I'm about to blow a gasket.

I love being lesbian, okay. It's the first time it felt something has FIT properly. It's like when I got my Autism diagnosis - suddenly everything has context and MAKES SENSE. It feels like HOME.

But the more I learn about history in terms of wlw, and look around for representation and shit now that I FINALLY got where I am ... the more depressed I get. In a way, being bisexual was easier. It was easy to find rep. To feel rep. People were generally defensive of the label, stamped out Pan/Bi discourse most of the time and defended it loudly and with pride! I was happy in that label at the time, though it wasn't for me in the end. I felt safe. Validated. Accepted.

Lesbians? I feel like the label has been a battleground since the moment I stepped foot into it. I am seeing conversations swung around with all the grace and sharp edges of a mediaeval flail with the complete disregard of healthy boundaries others have, which again - knowing the HISTORY of how lesbianism has been interpreted over time is just ... it's misogyny in another coat. Whether internalised or intentional it is still here and it is still damaging. I sit here wondering why it's okay to have gay exclusive or trans exclusive or bi exclusive spaces but if a Lesbian tries to create one it is absolutely BATTERED for being 'exclusionary'. I mean, I know why it's like this. It's the fucking TERFs. The TERFs poisoned the water. So now a lot of lesbians feel compelled to open spaces to all as an assurance to keep them out, and in turn that is isolating. I desperately search around for people to relate to, to help navigate this world I've come into so late: I am lost, I need help, I am so isolated and alone.

And I can't find anything. Or its few and far between. I have to sift through walls and walls of experiences that while valid, are not mine. They don't help. I see lesbians getting attacked for expressing their pain over things like this, that lesbian bars are on the decline. I see headlines about a women exclusive bar as part of a temporary art exhibition being taken to court in my country by some man who filed for discrimination. I read the history of Lesbians in the American West, poorly documented as it is, that 'Lesbians had it better' than gay men because 'romantic friendships' were normalised between women - because no one believed a relationship could be 'real' unless a man was involved. Kissing and sleeping with your female friend was fine - you were just expected to 'grow up' and eventually conform to the patriarchal society structure of getting married and having children. Only men could become permanent 'confirmed bachelors'. The top Reddit related to lesbians is for porn. That objectification even invades the lesbian tag here, on a site where NSFW content has nearly been completely expunged. I know it's shit like this, way back in the 2000s was the reason I just could not accept being lesbian. I couldn't see myself in it because it was so objectified and the thought of 'engaging' in it felt gross. And it feels disgusting now.

I grew up in an environment where Lesbianism was considered something people did for attention or clout, to become more attractive to men. I see posts even now of angry lesbians venting about being predated on by bisexual women, who only mention way later that their 'boyfriend is feeling left out :('. So while it's not as bad as it was, it's still there. It's just now no longer AS socially acceptable.

So I think I understand why it took me so long. I think my mind was trying to protect me from all of this. Because although being Lesbian feels like home, I feel even more invisible. Bisexuals always were joking about being 'invisible', but as a Lesbian I feel like I don't even exist. I'm on another plane of reality. If I try to stick my head out there and make myself visible I am shamed, ridiculed, second guessed, invalidated. I see it happening everywhere, every damn day.

I see it in the shitty wlw fic ratio in nearly every fandom on Ao3. I see it in Lesbian Day of Visibility being so quiet on Tumblr that I missed it. I see it in the comments section of a relationship columnist who also came to her own realisation about being lesbian late, being told she 'just needs to find the right man' to fuck her right, she's not a lesbian! Fucking a man is the solution - even though she was married and in a het relationship for years. Even as she fights back with studies showing how wide the gender orgasm gap is.

Everywhere I turn, I am told I am not valid. That my opinions don't matter. That my preferences aren't real because a man isn't involved in some way, and it's only for THEIR entertainment when it is acceptable. I see lesbian spaces filling with bisexuals and transgender women and little lesbian voices left. I hesitate to write the last sentence because I know of the ire I could invoke by simply stating that.

I love being Lesbian. It feels like home. But I'm in an empty house with cracked windows and if I make the slightest noise someone throws a bottle through the window at me. I feel unsafe, scared, belittled, isolated and so, so fucking alone. I don't feel proud. I almost wish I could go back to being Bisexual. But it doesn't work that way. I can't keep pretending I'm something I'm not anymore, that has taken up and destroyed so much of my life and health over the years. And the idea of going back, trying to bring men back into focus feels physically disgusting. I spent 10 years in a het relationship, I think I gave it a good go and it WASN'T FOR ME. And I shouldn't need to say I have dated or fucked a woman for that to be valid either.

I don't know where I'm going with this. All I know is I feel like shit and I don't even know where or how the find people to help me through this. And it fucking hurts.

#kerytalk #ventposting #lesbian #it is bad lonely isolated lesbian hours #oh also you bet my shite mood contributing to creative block so I can't remedy my problem #by contributing wlw art and fic #is eating me alive and making my mood worse

[vole-mon-amour]

7x24, part 1.

Derek helping Emily with apartment hunting and asking where is she the first thing after making sure JJ is alright (and JJ asked where's Will). I mean, I can ship them, but the need to look out for one another and make sure everyone one the team is alright.

This, too. The concern on Aaron's face.

There are pros and cons to dating a person outside your work field.

Pros: they can take care of your son when you're at work. Cons: they can't work with you, don't know what to do in a situation like this, won't be able to help.

I talk about canon bc it's still happening & it's interesting to discuss their personalities, but in my mind Aaron and Dave are totally married. And I wonder, if it was one of them who had to work, would the other come to help? Would he stay with Jack? Would one of them asked a friend of theirs to be with Jack while they both work? I feel like if it was Dave babysitting Jack, he'd find someone else to sit with Jack & rush to help Aaron. And I can totally see that scenario work. They'd be a great family.

And in the beginning of all of it? "Daddy, can uncle Dave sleepover tonight?" Sure he can, buddy. Only if Uncle Dave wants, of course. Dave, "i'd love to."

All that fanfiction I read before reaching this point in the show starts to make sense.

My subtitles are often messed up but: power husbands. Checking on each other immediately. "Is that all?" "For now." That's basically what I'm saying above: working together & looking out for each other, helping with no questions asked. Making sure they are alright, so is their team.

Dave seeing the blood on/in Aaron's ear and doesn't tell him to do something about it directly, but asks for "a favor". They understand each other's personalities perfectly. God, their relationship is so good.

He's so tall. And hot. And handsome.

Parent and his kid working together. <3 I can KINDA understand how people ship them, but this is purely a parenting/friends dynamic to me. I wouldn't want to see them any other way.

Again, I love this fancy dude.

Is there a history between them? Either way, it kinda makes sense (despite the fact that Emily was originally supposed to be lesbian) & they have some chemistry. But the dude would have chemistry with almost anyone, I feel. He's charming and flirty.

Husbands (that will judge you even when they don't mean to).

Will is in such catatonic state... I never felt much about him since he isn't much present, but I feel for him in 7x23 & 7x24. And he can't even do anything, he's slowly bleeding out. And it's probably the guilt of trusting the guy that, in the end, planned it all. However, "Tell my girlfriend I'm sorry"??? Why do you give up on your family so quickly?

I can't handle Dave being Like That. Just like Aaron, he's just trying to help. And his heart if big, and his intentions are good. I love two older men.

I'd say she's crazy, but as I'm finishing rereading Mindhunter & I'm on Chapter 18, "Who could've done that?" that talks about legal insanity, I'll say that she definitely realizes what she does & simply gets off on it.

That's heartbreaking. And while I love Hotch & couldn't stop worrying for Jack during Foyet, somehow I feel way more for Henry? The kid seems to be so pure & they raise him good. Those are parents that truly love their kid & trying to do good by him.

And Izzy, omg. While I dislike kids, that chick? She's disgusted by the love WIll has for Henry. I'm disgusted by parents that threaten their kids, yell at them, punish them physically. But when a parent shows love for their kid & is trying their best & you're disgusted? Hi to sociopathy.

The way I love David. It takes over my entire body & I want to cry. The way I love him. The way he is. How good he is.

Henry is such a sweet kid.

Look who's good with kids. <3 I feel like it's not only Dave, but Joe as well. He is always so warm with kids (or maybe it's just when he's playing this character, but he often smiles to kids and generally feels good about them).

The way Jennifer fought for Henry (and how Izzy rushed to Henry to hurt him & how that infuriated Jennifer even more) and hugged him after aka the same way Hotch fought for Jack. Parents.

#cm #natiswatching #jennifer jareau #david rossi #hossi #aaron hotchner #emily prentiss #spencer reid

[likesrandomstuff]

Rating AFLW Season 7 Pride Guernseys (Part 2)

Continuation of giving my unqualified thoughts on AFLW Season 7 Pride Jumpers

Hawthorn Hawks

As we can't go back to 1925 and get them to choose pretty much any colour combination other than brown and gold, this is what they have to work with. I get the idea of having the stripes be unfinished, with a paintbrush edge, to represent the story not being completed, but that kind of detail is not clear unless you have a very close look. Change in logo is a nice touch. Would have liked some more creativity. Stripes on the lower half of the back too. Rating 3/10.

Melbourne Demons

Their jumper last season was my second favourite, so this is disappointing. One of my podcasts had a host who likes it, and I’m happy for her. It’s giving me circus big top or that parachute game we’d use to play at school. Not sure if that’s a universal experience. Back has the trans flag colours which is good. The front looks like a shield. Rating 4.5/10.

North Melbourne Kangaroos

Had an extra week to think about this one, and I believe my issue is that it looks like the rainbow is behind bars. I know prison bar jumpers is a Port thing, but still. Would have liked if the blue was broken up like a PowerPoint slide-change graphic, with the rainbow breaking the stripes up. An improvement on Season 6's. Rating 5.5/10.

Port Adelaide Power

After having the best Indigenous jumper they pull this out too? Not fair. It's a finger print with important years for the LGBTQIA+ community in Australia breaking up the stripes. I saw 2017 (parliament voted yes to gay marriage) in there. I also think it's so important that they said in their reveal video that this includes the lesbian flag, cause it's not a bad word and even in this space it's rarely said. Feel like it's just missing one thing to be perfect. Rating 9/10.

Richmond Tigers

Richmond's jumper last season is still my favourite, 9.5 for that. My only issue with that was having Geelong referenced on the shoulder. This isn't a Western Bulldog and Footscray situation where it's a previous incarnation of the club, this is pointing out to another team that you beat them. Just have your first winning score and would have been the 10. Feel like Geelong responded to the dig in how that Round 1 game played out. Not as eye-popping as the home jumper with the black base, but still very good. 8.5/10.

St. Kilda Saints

To quote my bi St Kilda supporter friend, "it looks weird". And it does. I just hope someone out there raised the idea that a rainbow cross may upset some people in the wider community. These people probably get mad a lot, but feels like an unnecessary risk. I know the jumper they based this off, but the not black (what is it even? grey?) surrounding the cross, not a fan of. Has some dates in there too. Watching the game it looked decent, and all the background appeared black. Sightly improves their score. Rating 4/10.

Sydney Swans

Really liked the men wearing their version of this in the one AFL Pride Game, but I'm not feeling this. Red and White is Sydney, but doesn't feel like a Sydney jumper. Fremantle's jumper last season was basically the same, but still felt Freo. Maybe because having a colourful V is already part of their uniform. Swans had a lot to do, and a design already there, so fair enough to them for using it. Hope they are a bit more creative next time. Couldn't pick out the rainbow in the stands. Rating 4.5/10.

West Coast Eagles

My favourite part of this is the rainbow stripes on the shorts. Don't think anyone else did that. And the rainbow line between the yellow and blue is a nice touch. They didn't have a jumper last season in part because they didn't want to rush a design into their club's history. With that in mind, a rainbow shadow is your centerpiece? You could have made the eagle rainbow! I'll give them credit for the shadow idea, as that's new, but Brisbane is the only other club with an animal who could have. Could not tell this wasn't their normal home jumper in the stands. Rating 2.5/10.

Western Bulldogs

Sometimes keeping it simple is the best way to go. Bulldogs have the most Pride jumpers, with Carlton, as they played a Pride Game before it was extended to a whole round. This is a big departure from all of them. Highlighting the trans flag colours is so important, and very convenient considering the Bulldog's normal ones. Don't have light blue very often in AFL/W, but we should; it's a great jumper colour. Solid concept. Rating 8/10.

#afl #aflw #aflw pride round

[gaiasdottir]

6 months hatchiversary

Originally posted to a trans Discord from 1-2am, with both minor and substantive edits _ _ It's my sixth month hatching anniversary in about an hour, huge cheers to my favourite panic attack, you the real MVP

The last six months of my life have undoubtedly been the best. I have had so many amazing firsts, so much feedback, all of it telling me that I am finally on the right track, that I know myself, that I am doing exactly what I should be. My mental health is the best it has ever been. I have healed so much, From the fear that I felt when I first came out to myself, terrified of the transphobia I felt I was sure to experience. Australia, flawed, has impressed me. My family, much to my surprise, almost universally supportive. Not a single person at work has cared about my gender. From the inability to view being trans as anything but a negative relative to cis existence. I have learned to appreciate being trans through finally feeling like myself, through meeting so many amazing trans people, through joyful t4t dating. Disassociation and suffering, while painful, also taught me empathy, which is my highest value and thing I like most about myself. From the few dysphorias that managed to puncture my denial. Gone are the hairy legs that made me loathe every summer, now soft and smooth. The hips that I screamed into my pillow were wrong night after night and now right, curved as they ought to be. From the persistence sense that I was unlovable, both romantically and sexually speaking. Unfortunately my emotional self understanding was as an unfuckable beta male from age 6 til I cracked. I felt that my love, which I understood was clearly different to heterosexual love because I never related to that at all, made me weird and gross and undesirable. Right after cracking, I latched only being a lesbian really hard. The wounds of masculinity were fresh, and I wanted to make as few concessions to it is possible. I wanted an identity that didn't need to involve men at all. Lesbian relationships in media had always hit me way harder than heterosexual ones, so I had a long history of ships as bona fides. What I found in lesbian communities was home. Turns out my love was never that weird, just gay. It was incredibly grounding to find that cis lesbians also struggle with feeling like predators for their attraction. I felt so much more connection with love that leads with emotional connection rather than lust, with respect for women as people rather than as fulfilling roles. I will prize sapphic love first and foremost until I die, but I am not a lesbian. I have healed from needing absolute distance from men; I am bisexual... probably homoromantic though. I am out everywhere. Once I knew I was trans, I couldn't hold it in for very long. I had spent years knowing that I did not know myself, and now that I finally did I wanted to scream it from the rooftops. I told my first friend within 48h, my partner in 72, my close friends and my brother in 4 weeks, my parents and family in 9, Facebook generally in 4 months. I started presenting femme full time in April and reduced my dysphoria massively as a result. I started HRT on May 17, and my legal name change came through in July. Socially, physiologically, legally, I am becoming who I was always supposed to be.

I had been exiled from my body since I was 14. Around that time things started to go wrong, and I made for a habit of bottling all my feelings, since they were all bad anyway, why bother feeling them? The Dread, an ever present sense that something beyond my perception was deeply wrong, set in. At some point, I disassociated. Until I waxed my legs in April of this year, I had lost all perspective on what being embodied meant. I just wasn't ever embodied, it was disassociation all the time, the grey pastiche of life. I got used to being a fly on the wall in my own consciousness.

When embodiment started, it was always fleeting, and partial. Waxing my legs made me happy, made me feel like they were my legs, but it would do nothing for the rest of my body. But the pieces have stacked over time. Since some time in June, 2-6 weeks on HRT, my body has been my home. The girl in the mirror has been in permanent residence. I can always look at my reflection and see me. I love my curls, even if they're not long enough just yet. I love my tiny boobs. I love getting my nails done. I love my wardrobe. I literally cry with joy looking at my hips and thighs. I was exiled for 13 years, I hated my body and considered it a flesh prison, and now it is home. I am home. I am home. I am home. This is my body, and I'll do what I want with it. I'll get piercings, I'll get tattoos, I'll get more goth, I will express my authentic inner self. Expressing my authentic inner self has worked out pretty well for me. It has helped me forge a stronger and more honest relationship with my partner, lead me to some wonderful dates and a very lovely girlfriend (hey darling), it has won me the respect of my new colleagues as a teacher, it has endeared me to my friends. I love my life, I love being trans, I love humanity, I love being able to live atop the shoulders of giants who paved the roads so that we might plant gardens. I love being the ladder I wish I'd had. I love being myself, I love knowing that I am so much stronger than I was before, I love knowing that with embodiment, I feel indomitable. I love being able to actually feel my emotions. I love feeling sexy and desirable, I love being polyamorous. I love having very little facial hair left. I love my wardrobe, I love being the goth gf, I love my progress. I love hanging out with the girls, I love being home in feminine spaces, I love sapphic love.

I'm not totally healed of anything, but I don't feel like I need to be. It took me an entire puberty to not learn how to be myself, it'll probably take most of my second one to completely fix that. I'm a work in progress of a human being but that's fine, because the trendlines are all positive. The future looks bright.

The Dread, my unrelenting companion for 13 long years, is gone. In its place is peace, the body and mind at rest with themselves and each other. With peace comes rest, the ability to lie down in bed sober without my mind violently revolting at what for so long it could not articulate as gender dysphoria. With peace comes self belief. I am an emotionally literate, highly skilled woman. Even if a challenge stumps me I can learn to overcome it with time. I will make mistakes, I will learn to do better, I will continue to grow and to heal. I will do things that today seem impossible, but will one day be routine, just as I do things that were unthinkable 6 months ago on a routine basis - take nudes, flirt aggressively, make an unplanned social visit.

Once again, cheers to my favourite panic attack, which I checked the clock after at about 2:15am, March 3rd. That's six months ago.

I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw, as I usually did. But this time it hurt rather than being background grey. I had a beard at the time, and I thought to myself, jesus christ, if I have to do this masculinity thing for one more day I'm going to do something really stupid.

My breath grew short and a ringing grew in my ears. My limbs trembled until I lost feeling over them entirely. I wasn't breathing properly, felt like I was going to black out. I lost my vision, my world reduced to only the ringing in my ears, and an intense fear - like that of a prey animal before a predator's strike.

And then I was the predator, reveling in a fresh kill. The ringing in my ears faded, I started breathing properly, and feeling came back over my body. My masculine ego died, and my feminine one had been born.

I spent the next hour reading the gender dysphoria bible crying a lot and going 'oh haha this is my biography what the fuck' but I have rambled long enough.

Cheers to six months of being me, they've been worth everything.

#transgender #trans woman #trans sapphic #mtf trans #sapphic #lgbtq positivity #lgbtq #dysphoria #euphoria #coming out #bisexual #polyamorous #embodied #body postivity #transition #disassociation #trans hrt #self healing #mental health

[simplyparker]

I am SO sorry!

Pairings: Michelle Jones x Fem!Reader

Summary: MJ walked in on her "straight" bestfriend (and dorm mate) watching porn and trying to get herself off.

Warnings: SMUT, watching porn, masturbation, , confessions, fingering, nipple play, oral, finger sucking, small mention of homophobic parents and internationalized homophobia

Word Count: 2.7k

A/n: They are in their sophomore year of college at MIT

When MJ came out Senior year it was unexpected since her and Peter had been dating. She told Peter first. She felt really bad, but he told her that she couldn't choose who she was attracted to, and would support her no matter what. MJ was open with her sexuality after that.

Not you though. You'd figured out that you were gay in 9th grade. You we're 15 and you remember you and your friend Camila (age 16) were messing around and got on porn hub.

Camila was bisexual. She came out back in 7th grade and went through a string of boyfriends and girlfriends.

You were too scared to ever get on it by yourself, but Camila's brother was at a friends house so she said that you guys to use her brothers laptop. So if the search history was somehow found, it would be blamed on him.

So one night when you went over to her house you guys snuck into her brother Liam's room while he was gone and got on his laptop. The 17 year old's boys laptop password was "Password" so he had it coming.

Camila told you that she only likes lesbian porn because straight porn was to aggressive.

Ever since that night, you didn't watch any other kinda of porn.

Skip back to tonight. Michelle was out for the night. She was going to go to Ned and Peter's place to drink with them and Betty.

Since Michelle was gone you had planned to get off with out being interrupted. It was 11 pm, when you got done with the assignment you needed to get done before you could have any you time.

You had opened Pornhub and typed in lesbian. You scrolled the pages until you found the videos that weren't fake scripted by men.

You didn't bother with headphones. You grabbed your vibrator and sat it on the bed beside you. While you started the video you kicked your shorts and underwear off and tossed them off the bed.

The video started with the girl with red hair eating out the girl with brown hair. The moans and whimpers, and gasps were making you wet.

You took two fingers and dragged some of your slickness up to your clit. Starting slowly, you pushed one singer into yourself. Then you added another finger to stretch yourself for the vibrator. It had been a while due to studying and exams.

When you felt you were ready, you grabbed your vibrator and pushing it into your leaking cunt. You clicked the button and when it turned on you whimpered in pleasure.

The video was playing in the back ground. The moans of the girl in the video were spurring you on. You pushed up your tank top about your tits to pinch and pull on your nipples. You turn the vibrations up a notch higher.

From the feeling of being so full and it having been so long since you had sex or ever masturbated, you were really close to coming.

Right as you were about to fall apart around the purple vibrating dildo, it stopped. The vibrations stopped and the feeling went away.

"NO, no, no, no, no, no!" you exclaim as you pull it out of you. "Why? Why did you have to die? Why couldn't you have waited two minutes??!" You jump up from your bed and search the drawers in the room for batteries.

If anyone saw you right now, you would look like a crazy lady.

You found one battery and quickly popped one out to put it in. You tried to turn it on, but it didn't work.

"For fucks sake, can I just have this?" you murmur. After double checking all the drawers. No luck.

Days like these you curse yourself for agreeing with MJ to go 50/50 on a Firestick TV, since those remotes take AAA's not AA's.

"Damn it." you say as you reluctantly climb back into bed. You un-pause the video and take your hand and started fingering yourself.

You had never been lucky enough to make yourself cum from just your fingers.

But still. It was your only option.

You hopes the moans from video would help spur you along again, but they didn't.

"AGH!" you groan in annoyance. "Fuck you fingers, and fuck you vibrator for dying!" you yell (but not too loud since it was now 11:40pm). You screwed your eyes shut and tried harder. Even though you knew damn well that it wasn't going to work.

Your frustrated curses were louder than the sound of the dorm room unlocking and the door opening. MJ was surprised to find what she found when she walked into the room.

You. On your back. Fingers in your cunt. Tank top about you tits. Watching porn. No- lesbian porn from the sounds of it.

"Oh fuck!" MJ yelps out. "I am SO sorry!" she says causing you to quickly open your eyes and sit up.

"Oh my god MJ!" you quickly pull your shirt down. "I'm so sorry! I thought you said you were spending the night at Ned's!" you exclaim as you exit the tab on your laptop and get under the small soft black blanket Peter had gotten you for your birthday (it came with a throw pillow and a- WAIT WE HAVE A STORY TO CONTINUE WE MUST STAY FOCUSED).

"No! No, I was! But uh, Peter's girlfriend Gwen came over and it just felt weird. 1, since she was dead eyeing me, and 2, because I was firth wheeling."

"No you're okay." you sigh, "Can you uh, toss me my underwear?" you point to the bright pink lacy underwear you had worn today. It's not like you were expecting to get laid, you just needed to get some laundry down so it was only down to the "sexy" ones.

"Oh yeah," she tosses them you. You slide them on under the blanket. "I can my go kill some time so you can, you know, finish." you tell you.

"No it's okay. It's okay, I wasn't gonna be able to finish anyways." you tell her.

"How come?" she asks,

"Vibrator died right before I was about to, and I can't get off with just my fingers." you tell her. She nods in understanding.

"Yeah I get that."

Commence the awkward minutes of silence.

MJ sets her bag down by her desk and throws her black leather jacket over the chair. After about 2 minutes of silence MJ speaks up,

"I uh," she clears her throat, "I can help you if you want." she offers. You can feel yourself get wet at the thought of MJ helping you out. But she takes your silence as a no, "You know what, never mind. I'm really sorry I even offered. That was weird." she awkwardly laughs and you object.

What was going through MJ head right now: She's not even gay. But she's never dated a guy.... but she's never mentioned a girl. She's never mentioned a guy either. Maybe she's closeted? Stop deciding her sexuality for her MJ? Oh no what if I just messed out friendship up-

"No! It's not, uh, weird." you take a deep breath. You were about to tell your best friend your feeling about her. "I like you. Like a lot. And I know you don't date girls who are just experimenting because of that whole Kallie thing last year. But I'm not experimenting. I'm just closeted. I've been closeted since freshman year of high school." you take a deep breath.

"And I've know that I really liked you since sophomore year of high school. That's why I made myself distant when you and Peter started dating. Not because I liked Peter. But because I really like you and when you kissed him anger coursed through my veins. And I had no right, but I liked you. I like you." you tell her.

She doesn't say anything. Just stands there for about 15 seconds taking in what you just said, then goes over to you and kisses you roughly.

She pulls away and you both discard your shirts. When she takes hers off you see that

she wasn't wearing a bra under it.

"No bra?" you reach your hand up and pinch one of her nipples making her gasp. "I really like that." She pulls you back into a kiss. As she slipped her tongue into your mouth, she straddled your thighs.

You hand slipped down her body into the leggings she was wearing feeling her went cunt. She whimpers as you drag her arousal up to her clit and start rubbing it.

She was breathing heavily into your mouth.

"Shit, please?" she whimpers into your mouth.

"What do you want?" you ask teasingly.

"Your fingers. In me." her hips were bucking into you for more friction.

You dip a finger into her and curl it. It was a lot easier reaching that spot on someone else, rather than yourself. You pushed her backwards onto her back. You carefully set your laptop on the floor and pull your hand out of her pants.

"Can I take these off?" you ask as you hook your fingers around the band of her leggings. She nods and you both push them down and she kicks out of them making you both laugh.

"Take your underwear off." MJ tells you. You take them back off and throw them. MJ pulls you back down for a kiss and slides her tongue in your mouth. Both of your hands slide to her tits, playing with her hardened nipples. MJ breaks the kiss to speak, "My nipples are like, really sensitive." she tells you

"Good to know." you murmur against her lips. Her legs were open and you were in between them as you kissed her. As you pinched and pulled at her nipples her hips rutted into the air for friction.

You dethatched your lips from hers -not without her protest- and kissed her cheek, then her jaw, then her neck. When you reached her tits you sucked and bit around her nipples, making sure not to touch them.

Your hand went down to her cunt, dragging her slickness up to her clit and rubbing it causing Michelle to moan. You pushed a finger into her and latched your lips onto one of her nipples. Your finger was thrusting in and out of her at a steady pace.

"More, please, please." she begs. You switch your mouth to the other nipple, and add another finger into her. "Fuck!" she squeaks in pleasure. Your fingers thrust faster into her as you detach from her nipple and kiss down her stomach.

You reached her mound and kissed it before you delved into her cunt. Flicking your tongue over her clit as she tensed in pleasure.

"I'm close." she moans out as she laces her fingers in your lace and grinds her cunt into your face. "Shit, shit, shit!" MJ moans out as she comes around your fingers, her calls pulsing around them.

You gently removed your fingers from her cunt and licked up all her cum. Lapping it on your tongue and moaning at the taste. Your nose was brushing up against her clit stimulating her more causing her to whimper and moan and cry out your name.

It wasn't until she was pushing your head away and scooting back that you stopped.

Her chest was heaving as she spoke, "Your turn," she tells you and pushes you on your back.

"You taste really good y'know." you mumble into her lips.

"Yeah? Well I bet you taste even better." she kisses your lips and moans at the taste of her on your lips.

She kissed your jaw and neck, nipping and licking. She kissed down your stomach to your cunt. You were already throbbing for something, anything. You would take whatever she would give.

She spread your lips with her fingers and blew her cold breath against your clit, causing you to shiver in excitement.

When she finally dipped her tongue into you, you lost it. She was swirling her tongue around expertly. Your hands shot to her hair, gripping it tightly.

"Holy sh-shit MJ," you moan, "You're really good at this."

She chuckles against your cunt causing you whine. And when she lightly dragged her teeth across your clit you gasped. Without warning, she carefully eases two fingers into you cunt.

Michelle was out for the night. She was going to go to Ned and Peter's place to drink with them and Betty.

When MJ came out Senior year it was unexpected since she and Peter had been dating. She told Peter first. She felt really bad, but he told her that she couldn't choose who she was attracted to, and would support her no matter what. MJ was open with her sexuality after that.

Not you though. You'd figured out that you were gay in 9th grade. You were 15 and you remember you and your friend Camila (age 16) were messing around and got on porn hub.

Camila was bisexual. She came out back in 7th grade and went through a string of boyfriends and girlfriends.

You were too scared to ever get on it by yourself, but Camila's brother was at a friend's house so she said that you guys use her brother's laptop. So if the search history was somehow found, it would be blamed on him.

So one night when you went over to her house you guys snuck into her brother Liam's room while he was gone and got on his laptop. The 17-year old's boys' laptop password was "Password" so he had it coming.

Camila told you that she only likes lesbian porn because straight porn was too aggressive.

Ever since that night, you didn't watch any other kind of porn.

Skip back to tonight. Since Michelle was gone you had planned to get off without being interrupted. It was 11 pm when you got done with the assignment you needed to get done before you could have any time.

You had opened Pornhub and typed in lesbian. You scrolled the pages until you found the videos that weren't fake scripted by men.

You didn't bother with headphones. You grabbed your vibrator and sat it on the bed beside you. While you started the video you kicked your shorts and underwear off and tossed them off the bed.

The video started with the girl with red hair eating out the girl with brown hair. The moans and whimpers, and gasps were making you wet.

You took two fingers and dragged some of your slickness up to your clit. Starting slowly, you pushed one singer into yourself. Then you added another finger to stretch yourself for the vibrator. It had been a while due to studying and exams.

When you felt you were ready, you grabbed your vibrator and pushed it into your leaking cunt. You clicked the button and when it turned on you whimpered in pleasure.

The video was playing in the background. The moans of the girl in the video were spurring you on. You pushed up your tank top about your tits to pinch and pull on your nipples. You turn the vibrations up a notch higher.

From the feeling of being so full and it having been so long since you had sex or ever masturbated, you were really close to coming.

Right as you were about to fall apart around the purple vibrating dildo, it stopped. The vibrations stopped and the feeling went away.

"NO, no, no, no, no, no!" you exclaim as you pull it out of you. "Why? Why did you have to die? Why couldn't you have waited two minutes??!" You jump up from your bed and search the drawers in the room for batteries.

If anyone saw you right now, you would look like a crazy lady.

You found one battery and quickly popped one out to put it in. You tried to turn it on, but it didn't work.

"For fucks sake, can I just have this?" you murmur. After double-checking all the drawers. No luck.

On days like these, you curse yourself for agreeing with MJ to go 50/50 on a Firestick TV, since those remotes take AAA's not AA's.

"Damn it," you say as you reluctantly climb back into bed. You un-pause the video and take your hand and started fingering yourself.

You had never been lucky enough to make yourself cum from just your fingers.

But still. It was your only option.

You hopes the moans from the video would help spur you along again, but they didn't.

"AGH!" you groan in annoyance. "Fuck you fingers, and fuck you vibrator for dying!" you yell (but not too loud since it was now 11:40 pm). You screwed your eyes shut and tried harder. Even though you knew damn well that it wasn't going to work.

Your frustrated curses were louder than the sound of the dorm room unlocking and the door opening. MJ was surprised to find what she found when she walked into the room.

You. On your back. Fingers in your cunt. Tank top above your tits. Watching porn. No- lesbian porn from the sounds of it.

"Oh fuck!" MJ yelps out. "I am SO sorry!" she says causing you to quickly open your eyes and sit up.

"Oh my god MJ!" you quickly pull your shirt down. "I'm so sorry! I thought you said you were spending the night at Ned's!" you exclaim as you exit the tab on your laptop and get under the small soft black blanket Peter had gotten you for your birthday (it cam with a throw pillow and a- WAIT WE HAVE A STORY TO CONTINUE WE MUST STAY FOCUSED).

"No! No, I was! But uh, Peter's girlfriend Gwen came over and it just felt weird. 1, since she was dead eyeing me, and 2, because I was firth wheeling."

"No you're okay." you sigh, "Can you uh, toss me my underwear?" you point to the bright pink lacy underwear you had worn today. It's not like you were expecting to get laid, you just needed to get some laundry down so it was only down to the "sexy" ones.

"Oh yeah," she tosses them you. You slide them on under the blanket. "I can my go kill some time so you can, you know, finish," you tell yourself.

"No, it's okay. It's okay, I wasn't gonna be able to finish anyways," you tell her.

"How come?" she asks,

"Vibrator died right before I was about to, and I can't get off with just my fingers," you tell her. She nods in understanding.

"Yeah, I get that."

Commence the awkward minutes of silence.

MJ sets her bag down by her desk and throws her jean jacket over the chair. After about 2 minutes of silence, MJ speaks up,

"I uh," she clears her throat, "I can help you if you want." she offers. You can feel yourself get wet at the thought of MJ helping you out. But she takes your silence as a no, "You know what, never mind. I'm really sorry I even offered. That was weird." she awkwardly laughs and you object.

What was going through MJ's head right now: She's not even gay. But she's never dated a guy.... but she's never mentioned a girl. She's never mentioned a guy either. Maybe she's closeted? Stop deciding her sexuality for her MJ? Oh no what if I just messed our friendship up-

"No! It's not, uh, weird." you take a deep breath. You were about to tell your best friend your feeling about her. "I like you. Like a lot. And I know you don't date girls who are just experimenting because of that whole Kallie thing last year. But I'm not experimenting. I'm just closeted. I've been closeted since freshman year of high school." you take a deep breath.

"And I've known that I really liked you since sophomore year of high school. That's why I made myself distant when you and Peter started dating. Not because I liked Peter. But because I really like you and when you kissed him anger coursed through my veins. And I had no right, but I liked you. I like you." you tell her.

She doesn't say anything. Just stands there for about 15 seconds taking in what you just said, then goes over to you and kisses you roughly.

She doesn't say anything. Just stands there for about 15 seconds taking in what you just said, then goes over to you and kisses you roughly.

She pulls away and you both discard your shirts. When she takes hers off you see that she wasn't wearing a bra under it.

"No bra?" you reach your hand up and pinch one of her nipples making her gasp. "I really like that." She pulls you back into a kiss. As she slipped her tongue into your mouth, she straddled your thighs.

Your hand slipped down her body into the leggings she was wearing feeling her wet cunt. She whimpers as you drag her arousal up to her clit and start rubbing it.

She was breathing heavily into your mouth.

"Shit, please?" she whimpers into your mouth.

"What do you want?" you ask teasingly.

"Your fingers. In me." her hips were bucking into you for more friction.

You dip a finger into her and curl it. It was a lot easier reaching that spot on someone else, rather than yourself. You pushed her backward onto her back. You carefully set your laptop on the floor and pull your hand out of her pants.

"Can I take these off?" you ask as you hook your fingers around the band of her leggings.

"Take your underwear off," MJ tells you. You take them back off and throw them. MJ pulls you back down for a kiss and slides her tongue in your mouth. Both of your hands slide to her tits, playing with her hardened nipples. MJ breaks the kiss to speak, "My nipples are like, really sensitive." she tells you

"Good to know," you murmur against her lips. Her legs were open and you were in between them as you kissed her. As you pinched and pulled at her nipples, her hips rutted into the air for friction.

You dethatched your lips from hers -not without her protest- and kissed her cheek, then her jaw, then her neck. When you reached her tits you sucked and bit around her nipples, making sure not to touch them.

Your hand went down to her cunt, dragging her slickness up to her clit and rubbing it causing Michelle to moan. You pushed a finger into her and latched your lips onto one of her nipples. Your finger was thrusting in and out of her at a steady pace.

"More, please, please," she begs. You switch your mouth to the other nipple and add another finger into her. "Fuck!" she squeaks in pleasure. Your fingers thrust faster into her as you detach from her nipple and kiss down her stomach.

You reached her mound and kissed it before you delved into her cunt. Flicking your tongue over her clit as she tensed in pleasure.

"I'm close." she moans out as she laces her fingers in your lace and grinds her cunt into your face. "Shit, shit, shit!" MJ moans out as she comes around your fingers, her calls pulsing around them.

You gently removed your fingers from her cunt and licked up all her cum. Lapping it on your tongue and moaning at the taste. Your nose was brushing up against her clit stimulating her more causing her to whimper and moan and cry out your name.

It wasn't until she was pushing your head away and scooting back that you stopped.

Her chest was heaving as she spoke, "Your turn," she tells you and pushes you on your back.

"You taste really good y'know." you mumble into her lips.

"Yeah? Well, I bet you taste even better." she kisses your lips and moans at the taste of her on your lips.

She kissed your jaw and neck, nipping and licking. She kissed down your stomach to your cunt. You were already throbbing for something, anything. You would take whatever she would give.

She spread your lips with her fingers and blew her cold breath against your clit, causing you to shiver in excitement.

When she finally dipped her tongue into you, you lost it. She was swirling her tongue around expertly. Your hands shot to her hair, gripping it tightly.

"Holy sh-shit MJ," you moan, "You're really good at this."

She chuckles against your cunt causing you to whine. And when she lightly dragged her teeth across your clit you gasped. Without warning, she carefully eases two fingers into your cunt.

"Fuck!" you groan in pleasure as she curls her fingers to hit your g-spot. Her movements, both her tongue and her fingers, speed up.

"I'm gonna cum!" you gasp out. Her hand -the one that wasn't in you- slide up to your mouth. You open and she slides them in. She mons at the feeling of you licking and sucking on her fingers. The vibrations of her moan against you clit was enough to push you over the edge.

You cum with a shout of her name, and she helps you through your orgasm. She pulls her fingers out and leans up. You lean up on your elbows as you look at her. She puts the fingers that were in your cunt, into her mouth and moans around them.

"You taste really good too." she tells you. She lays down next to you on you bed.

You guys face each other, wide smiles on each of your faces. After a few minutes -that felt like forever- she speaks,

“I hope you enjoyed yourself.” she says shyly.

“I did!” you say a bit too excited, making MJ laugh. “I hope you enjoyed yourself also,” you tell her.

“I did.” she smiles warmly.

You guys just laid there. Smiling at each other. After a few minutes MJ speaks.

“I uh,��� she pauses awkwardly, “I didn’t know you were gay.” she says.

“Yeah,” you pause trying to think of the right words, “I’ve known since I was in 9th grade.” you tell her, and her eyebrows almost shoot off her face.

“Really?” she asks with a surprise tone.

“Yeah.” you shrug.

“You never talked about any girls,” she thinks for a moment “come to think about it, you didn’t talk about any guys either.”

“My parents are really homophobic. So I had really bad internalized homophobia.” you tell her.

“I'm sorry. I wish I could say I understood, but my dad was surprisingly supportive when I came out. And my moms not really in the picture so, doesn’t really matter what she thinks.” she huffs out a breath “well that got deep.” she laughs.

“Yeah, it did.”

“So….” she starts

“So?” you urge her on

“Was that your first time with a girl?” she asks

“No, I’ve been with a total of 3 girls.” you tell her.

“Oh? Wow. You’d think I would know considering I'm your roommate and all” she says jokingly.

“Nothing serious. Just like, hook ups and stuff.” you say.

"Have you ever been with a guy?" she asks

"No. But I did kiss Brad Junior year during spin the bottle." you remind her.

"Ohhh yeah! I remember that." she laughs.

"Have you?" you ask curiously.

"Have I?" she trails off.

"Have you ever had sex with a guy?" you ask.

"Oh, uh no." she shrugs.

"You and Peter never did it?" you ask her.

"We never had sex. I did give him head once many years ago when we were dating."

"Did he give you head at least?"

"No," she laughs, "The one time he tried to finger me, I couldn't get wet. A month later I told him I thought I was gay and he supported me. Kept the secret until I was ready. And we agreed that it wouldn't be weird. And it hasn't." she smiles.

"Peters a good guy. I just hope that Gwen doesn't take advantage of that." you point out. MJ nods in agreement.

"She seems kinda territorial. But it is what it is." MJ's eyes flick to your lips then back up to your eyes.

"What was this?" you ask, "Was this just sex? Are were gonna just be friends with benefits? I need to know, because like I said MJ, I really like you." you tell her.

"Let me take you on a date. I want to show you off. I've had a crush on you since senior year, and I would have asked you way sooner if I knew you were interested too." she smiles.

"I would love that." you kiss her.

That you would.

#KierstinWritesShit #MJ x fem!reader #MJ x fem!reader smut #MJ x fem!reader fluff #MJ x fem!reader angst #MJ x fem!reader lime #Michelle Jones x fem!reader #Michelle Jones x fem!reader smut #Michelle Jones x fem!reader fluff #Michelle Jones x fem!reader angst w #Michelle Jones x fem!reader lime #pride fanfiction #lgbtq #Marvel Fanfiction

[sokos]

I've seen a lot of women who think they're lesbians because of their repulsion, discomfort or fear of men. Bisexuals who call themselves lesbians on the internet because they feel uncomfortable with men, even if they know they feel attracted to them. I just want them to know that it's okay to be bisexual and still not be with a man. Hell even as a straight woman, it's okay to never touch a man if you don't want to. These are called boundaries, you always have the choice to put yourself and your comfort before your attraction. You don't have to call yourself a lesbian to prioritize women in your life. Personally it took me a long time to accept my bisexuality, I've been with men before but i convinced myself i was a lesbian with comphet, but deep down i knew it wasn't compulsory heterosexuality, i knew there was a part of me who actually felt attracted to them and i hated it. Knowing all the harm men have done to women over history, knowing all the harm men had done to me personally, i felt absolutely repulsed around them and i deeply regret being with men in my life. I thought my repulsion and regret over my past meant i was a lesbian who gave up to society's expectations and was now disappointed, but i wasn't. Know that you can feel repulsed by men and still feel attracted to them, this is not contradictory. Seeing all the posts in this website that say bisexuals are like half straight and don't experience real opression because they can always be with the opposite sex and will most likely end up with them, this made me feel awful because i couldn't think of a worse destiny than being in a relationship with a man. But to everyone else, know that these people aren't right. You can be bisexual and never (or again) be with a man in your life, in any kind of a relationship. As bisexuals we can choose to be with any of the sexes we feel attracted to, and you have the right to choose women every time.

#lesbians #bisexuals #wlw #comphet #febfem #female separatism #radfems do interact #sokos.txt

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Here's a shortlist of those who realized that I — a cis woman who'd identified as heterosexual for decades of life — was in fact actually bi, long before I realized it myself recently: my sister, all my friends, my boyfriend, and the TikTok algorithm.

On TikTok, the relationship between user and algorithm is uniquely (even sometimes uncannily) intimate. An app which seemingly contains as many multitudes of life experiences and niche communities as there are people in the world, we all start in the lowest common denominator of TikTok. Straight TikTok (as it's popularly dubbed) initially bombards your For You Page with the silly pet videos and viral teen dances that folks who don't use TikTok like to condescendingly reduce it to.

Quickly, though, TikTok begins reading your soul like some sort of divine digital oracle, prying open layers of your being never before known to your own conscious mind. The more you use it, the more tailored its content becomes to your deepest specificities, to the point where you get stuff that's so relatable that it can feel like a personal attack (in the best way) or (more dangerously) even a harmful trigger from lifelong traumas.

For example: I don't know what dark magic (read: privacy violations) immediately clued TikTok into the fact that I was half-Brazilian, but within days of first using it, Straight TikTok gave way to at first Portuguese-speaking then broader Latin TikTok. Feeling oddly seen (being white-passing and mostly American-raised, my Brazilian identity isn't often validated), I was liberal with the likes, knowing that engagement was the surefire way to go deeper down this identity-affirming corner of the social app.

TikTok made lots of assumptions from there, throwing me right down the boundless, beautiful, and oddest multiplicities of Alt TikTok, a counter to Straight TikTok's milquetoast mainstreamness.

Home to a wide spectrum of marginalized groups, I was giving out likes on my FYP like Oprah, smashing that heart button on every type of video: from TikTokers with disabilities, Black and Indigenous creators, political activists, body-stigma-busting fat women, and every glittering shade of the LGBTQ cornucopia. The faves were genuine, but also a way to support and help offset what I knew about the discriminatory biases in TikTok's algorithm.

My diverse range of likes started to get more specific by the minute, though. I wasn't just on general Black TikTok anymore, but Alt Cottagecore Middle-Class Black Girl TikTok (an actual label one creator gave her page's vibes). Then it was Queer Latina Roller Skating Girl TikTok, Women With Non-Hyperactive ADHD TikTok, and then a double whammy of Women Loving Women (WLW) TikTok alternating between beautiful lesbian couples and baby bisexuals.

Looking back at my history of likes, the transition from queer “ally” to “salivating simp” is almost imperceptible.

There was no one precise "aha" moment. I started getting "put a finger down" challenges that wouldn't reveal what you were putting a finger down for until the end. Then, 9-fingers deep (winkwink), I'd be congratulated for being 100% bisexual. Somewhere along the path of getting served multiple WLW Disney cosplays in a single day and even dom lesbian KinkTok roleplay — or whatever the fuck Bisexual Pirate TikTok is — deductive reasoning kind of spoke for itself.

But I will never forget the one video that was such a heat-seeking missile of a targeted attack that I was moved to finally text it to my group chat of WLW friends with a, "Wait, am I bi?" To which the overwhelming consensus was, "Magic 8 Ball says, 'Highly Likely.'"

Serendipitously posted during Pride Month, the video shows a girl shaking her head at the caption above her head, calling out confused and/or closeted queers who say shit like, "I think everyone is a LITTLE bisexual," to the tune of "Closer" by The Chainsmokers. When the lyrics land on the word "you," she points straight at the screen — at me — her finger and inquisitive look piercing my hopelessly bisexual soul like Cupid's goddamn arrow.

Oh no, the voice inside my head said, I have just been mercilessly perceived.

As someone who had, in fact, done feminist studies at a tiny liberal arts college with a gender gap of about 70 percent women, I'd of course dabbled. I've always been quick to bring up the Kinsey scale, to champion a true spectrum of sexuality, and to even declare (on multiple occasions) that I was, "straight, but would totally fuck that girl!"

Oh no, the voice inside my head returned, I've literally just been using extra words to say I was bi.

After consulting the expertise of my WLW friend group (whose mere existence, in retrospect, also should've clued me in on the flashing neon pink, purple, and blue flag of my raging bisexuality), I ran to my boyfriend to inform him of the "news."

"Yeah, baby, I know. We all know," he said kindly.

"How?!" I demanded.

Well for one, he pointed out, every time we came across a video of a hot girl while scrolling TikTok together, I'd without fail watch the whole way through, often more than once, regardless of content. (Apparently, straight girls do not tend to do this?) For another, I always breathlessly pointed out when we'd pass by a woman I found beautiful, often finding a way to send a compliment her way. ("I'm just a flirt!" I used to rationalize with a hand wave, "Obvs, I'm not actually sexually attracted to them!") Then, I guess, there were the TED Talk-like rants I'd subject him to about the thinly veiled queer relationship in Adventure Time between Princess Bubblegum and Marcelyne the Vampire Queen — which the cowards at Cartoon Network forced creators to keep as subtext!

And, well, when you lay it all out like that...

But my TikTok-fueled bisexual awakening might actually speak less to the omnipotence of the app's algorithm, and more to how heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

Sure, TikTok bombarded me with the thirst traps of my exact type of domineering masc lady queers, who reduced me to a puddle of drool I could no longer deny. But I also recalled a pivotal moment in college when I briefly questioned my heterosexuality, only to have a lesbian friend roll her eyes and chastise me for being one of those straight girls who leads Actual Queer Women on. I figured she must know better. So I never pursued any of my lady crushes in college, which meant I never experimented much sexually, which made me conclude that I couldn't call myself bisexual if I'd never had actual sex with a woman. I also didn't really enjoy lesbian porn much, though the fact that I'd often find myself fixating on the woman during heterosexual porn should've clued me into that probably coming more from how mainstream lesbian porn is designed for straight men.

The ubiquity of heterormativity, even when unwittingly perpetrated by members of the queer community, is such an effective self-sustaining cycle. Aside from being met with queer-gating (something I've since learned bi folks often experience), I had a hard time identifying my attraction to women as genuine attraction, simply because it felt different to how I was attracted to men.

Heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

So much of women's sexuality — of my sexuality — can feel defined by that carnivorous kind of validation you get from men. I met no societal resistance in fully embodying and exploring my desire for men, either (which, to be clear, was and is insatiable slut levels of wanting that peen.) But in retrospect, I wonder how many men I slept with not because I was truly attracted to them, but because I got off on how much they wanted me.

My attraction to women comes with a different texture of eroticism. With women (and bare with a baby bi, here), the attraction feels more shared, more mutual, more tender rather than possessive. It's no less raw or hot or all-consuming, don't get me wrong. But for me at least, it comes more from a place of equality rather than just power play. I love the way women seem to see right through me, to know me, without us really needing to say a word.

I am still, as it turns out, a sexual submissive through-and-through, regardless of what gender my would-be partner is. But, ignorantly and unknowingly, I'd been limiting my concept of who could embody dominant sexual personas to cis men. But when TikTok sent me down that glorious rabbit hole of masc women (who know exactly what they're doing, btw), I realized my attraction was not to men, but a certain type of masculinity. It didn't matter which body or genitalia that presentation came with.

There is something about TikTok that feels particularly suited to these journeys of sexual self-discovery and, in the case of women loving women, I don't think it's just the prescient algorithm. The short-form video format lends itself to lightning bolt-like jolts of soul-bearing nakedness, with the POV camera angles bucking conventions of the male gaze, which entrenches the language of film and TV in heterosexual male desire.

In fairness to me, I'm far from the only one who missed their inner gay for a long time — only to have her pop out like a queer jack-in-the-box throughout a near year-long quarantine that led many of us to join TikTok. There was the baby bi mom, and scores of others who no longer had to publicly perform their heterosexuality during lockdown — only to realize that, hey, maybe I'm not heterosexual at all?

Flooded with video after video affirming my suspicions, reflecting my exact experiences as they happened to others, the change in my sexual identity was so normalized on TikTok that I didn't even feel like I needed to formally "come out." I thought this safe home I'd found to foster my baby bisexuality online would extend into the real world.

But I was in for a rude awakening.

Testing out my bisexuality on other platforms, casually referring to it on Twitter, posting pictures of myself decked out in a rainbow skate outfit (which I bought before realizing I was queer), I received nothing but unquestioning support and validation. Eventually, I realized I should probably let some members of my family know before they learned through one of these posts, though.

Daunted by the idea of trying to tell my Latina Catholic mother and Swiss Army veteran father (who's had a crass running joke about me being a "lesbian" ever since I first declared myself a feminist at age 12), I chose the sibling closest to me. Seeing as how gender studies was one of her majors in college too, I thought it was a shoo-in. I sent an off-handed, joke-y but serious, "btw I'm bi now!" text, believing that's all that would be needed to receive the same nonchalant acceptance I found online.

It was not.

I didn't receive a response for two days. Hurt and panicked by what was potentially my first mild experience of homophobia, I called them out. They responded by insisting we need to have a phone call for such "serious" conversations. As I calmly tried to express my hurt on said call, I was told my text had been enough to make this sibling worry about my mental wellbeing. They said I should be more understanding of why it'd be hard for them to (and I'm paraphrasing) "think you were one way for twenty-eight years" before having to contend with me deciding I was now "something else."

But I wasn't "something else," I tried to explain, voice shaking. I hadn't knowingly been deceiving or hiding this part of me. I'd simply discovered a more appropriate label. But it was like we were speaking different languages. Other family members were more accepting, thankfully. There are many ways I'm exceptionally lucky, my IRL environment as supportive as Baby Bi TikTok. Namely, I'm in a loving relationship with a man who never once mistook any of it as a threat, instead giving me all the space in the world to understand this new facet of my sexuality.

I don't have it all figured out yet. But at least when someone asks if I listen to Girl in Red on social media, I know to answer with a resounding, "Yes," even though I've never listened to a single one of her songs. And for now, that's enough.

#tiktok #queer education #bisexual education #queer nation #bisexual nation #bisexuality #lgbtq community #bi #lgbtq #support bisexuality #bisexuality is valid #lgbtq pride #bi tumblr #pride #bi pride #bisexual #bisexual community #support bisexual #bisexual women #bisexual people #bisexual youth #bisexual activist #coming out bisexual #bicurious #bicuriosity #bi positivity #bisexual info #bi+

[pillarsalt]

What personally peaked you? Was it one instance or several instances over time? Or were you always critical of the gender movement from the beginning?

This is a tough one, had to really go down memory lane. I've been disillusioned by gender ideology since I was about 17 in high school, and it's hard to remember exactly how that happened. I think the very first thing was hearing about the cotton ceiling concept shortly after it was first coined. Just the idea that lesbians MUST be open to sex with males... yeah I could never accept that, it was clearly homophobic to me immediately and it allowed me to see that maybe the most "progressive" stance was not always the right one.

I've been on tumblr since I was 14. I remember learning about terfs and feeling cool like I was fighting evil villains when I would make edgy performative posts like "terfs chew glass", but then immediately deleting them when radfems would reply. I wasn't prepared to confront the fact that evil terfs were actually real people and not just cartoon nazis like they were made out to be. There was a certain radfem whose url I really wish I could remember, someone made like a "block to stay safe" post about her but I was curious wanted to see what evil insanity she had to say... I hate-read for a few weeks, and slowly I came to realize she was making really good points, exposing things that I just couldn't ignore. I felt like a terrible person for even considering her point of view, I decided I just "needed to be nice" and start listening to trans voices like everyone says. And that peaked me more. Coming to the realization that transwomen weren't all just tragically misunderstood innocent victimized people who feel like they were born in the wrong body, but mostly just the same as usual men with extreme entitlement and intense fetishization of women's bodies. Additionally, I saw my own struggles with compulsory femininity and hatred of my body in transmen. All I had to do was read what they wrote themselves and apply critical thinking. It just never ever added up. And the cognitive dissonance was too much.

I have loved science since the age of four, especially biology. The last straw was the denial of biological sex. I couldn't turn a blind eye to it any longer, it was the same to me as creationism or flat earth. To assert that women's oppression throughout the world and throughout history was based on no real reason at all... well that made me fucking angry. Actually it still makes me angry! And here I am today.

#also i cut my hair short for the first time in high school and was asked by multiple people if i was a transman #that also contributed lmao i was like you think my fucking grandma is a man for having short hair too? wtf? #anyway thanks so much for this question I haven't really thought much about this subject #ask

[thewolfisapartofmysoul]

Hey lovelies.

Got you a Dewey x reader fic.

Reader coming out as ace (asexual) while Dewey is playing the guitar and the reader lounging on his lap. Fluff and angst ahead. All aboard! Fair warning... its quite long...

Hope you enjoy. 💜

..................................................................................

Safe

You and Dewey had been friends since kindergarten. You were as thick as thieves. Being able too see your best friend everyday since you two were roommates only made things better.

Dewey was a incredibly bouncy, happy person. That much you guys had in common. You both were as enthausiastic as you were chaotic sometimes. And when you were having one of 'these' days... the ones when you just woke up grumpy, you could find comfort in the small things in each other. He would give you one single look and knew what kind of day it was. It was on these days that Dewey proved himself being the man, the myth and the legend you believed he was. He would make sure your favorite tea was ready in the morning, with just the right amount of honey in it. And he would do anything to crack your mood up during the day. Including some 'sick' dance moves on random moments, and playing requests you had on his guitar always calmed your mind. In return you knew that playing guitar hero cleared his clouded mind, and spontaneous dance parties always made him smile.

Long story short, you'd be there for each other.

.......

The thing was that lately you came to realise that some things were different for you then they were for him.

You always pictured yourself with a partner as loving and caring as Dewey was. You just KNEW he was your favorite person in the world. It was just... difficult. The whole situation had been difficult. There had to be a person in this universe who wanted to know what made you tick. Besides Dewey. Right?

That was a question your head had been occupied with the last couple of months.

Of course you noticed Dewey going out. On dates. With actual girls.

He wasnt the most popular guy you knew, but damn... he had some charm in that authentic and warm personality he had. He also was kinda cute, you had to admit. But you were 101% cool with him dating. Even helping him pick out outfits and scolding him for forgetting garlic on date-night is a no-go. And when he wouldnt come home at night you would smile to yourself, because you was happy for the dude.

So why werent you out there? Dating? Again? You tried. Hell... you tried so SO hard to actually like people.

Liking wasnt the right word. Cause liking people wasnt that difficult. You could love the personalities of people in a heartbeat. Loved the way they laughed, or the freckles on their face, or the way they sat. You'd loved the way they talked about what drove them, what they were passionate about. You loved so many people. Yet you loved no-one.

You came to realise lately that you were kind of different. For instance: Dewey could swoon over a girl he saw for one second. One moment he was chilling with u at your local bar, the next moment you saw that sparkle in his eyes... And with a wink, a pat on your shoulder and a VERY bad attempt to moonwalk away from you, you knew you didnt had to wait up for him.

That was fine. Never bothered you actually. It was a signal you guys had created. Dewey also knew that when u werent in the mood or okay with leaving alone, you would put on a pouty face. That would be his que to get the random-chick's number, promising to call her, before excusing himself to her and drop back on the barstool beside you.

You liked it that way. He was free to go. As were you. He was your buddy. Your parnter in crime. That was the way it was.

You were just frustrated with yourself the last couple of months.

You could look at a man or a woman and be like: jeez, you are pretty. Look at that adorable face!

You would walk up there, talk to them. Now... that wasnt the hard part. The hard part came after that.

When you talked to someone, wether it be a beautifull quirky women or a handsome kind lad... there always came that moment that they would give a 'certain' comment. Or a glance up and down. Or let their hands wander little bit... and the magic would be gone for you.

Totally gone. Your mind would just go: 'nope'. You would find their smile attractive. But when everyone else's knees would give up at their bedroom eyes they gave you, and them saying something like: "you look like i could eat ya, wanna get out of here?" you would just feel nothing. Besides of getting noxious at the idea of them looking at you that way...

.......

Dewey noticed you getting more silent as you internly struggled with this a while. After 'just' men, you started some online research and tried something new. There was a period u had labeled youself as bisexual. But the label just didn't fit right. You tried the word: 'lesbian' for a month or 3.

Dewey had again proven to be an actual legend, after you told him you might not be straight. He was so pumped for you, buzzing with excitement and acceptance when you told him. He bounced up and down on the couch and offered to go to gay-bars together. You even had to keep him from hanging the actual rainbow-flag out of the window, to support you. Dewey suspected you had just been a late bloomer, so he was more then excited when you seemed to make some steps into the date-world, and wanted to make sure he helped you out were he could.

But that wasnt it either. Being bisexual or lesbian was not what made you you as well.

You had been desperately looking for a label to fit you but you couldn't quite put your finger on it.

........

Dewey would notice your online research by accident. He got up from his jamming session at the couch and ruffled a hand tiredly throw his brown locks. You was on a date. With... amy? Agnes? He couldnt quite remember. He chuckled, while opening your computer, hoping you'd been having fun.

He was looking on an article about ACDC he came across a while ago, when the google question popped up in the browser history. He frowed, but clicked anyway. "I dont feel sexual attraction towards people. What's wrong with me?"

A pang of guilt creeped through his chest. Did he totally miss all that? Y/n had fun with people in bars right? She was on a date right this moment... with... Anne, or whats her name again?

Dewey poundered, he would always see you laughing and having fun while chatting to strangers. 'God... you was so likeable it was super-easy for you to make new friends.' But after he put some more thought to it, he couldnt quite remember the last time y/n talked about having a crush. Or kissing someone. She didnt even talked about her date today enough for him to be able to remember her name. He felt a bit sad about it but Dewey had to find out what you were feeling, so he clicked through the rest of the history page.

.......

You actually tried to kiss Alma today, you'd been seeing her for a while... You two had a lot in common and you liked the way she practically buzzed with excitement when she talked about mountainbiking, smiling as she did so.

'it only seemed like the right thing to do' you forced yourself to think that... 'Alma deserved that much, right? She'd been so kind to me...'

After your date Alma reached out to softly grab you by your hip, pulling you towards her. 'Well... here goes nothing...' you thought as she brought her mouth closer to you.

But right when your lips were about to meet, it felt wrong. A panic rose in your chest and before you knew what happened you turned your head slightly and kissed her cheeck. You was infuriated with yourself. 'How could you! After date #3. Were you mad? What was wrong with you?!'

The girl in question seemed just as baffled as you. She smiled a sad smile to you, before giving you a side-hug and catching her train to go home.

You sighed, dropped your shoulders as you slumped home. 'Side-hugs are not good. They're not 'relationship-material', you fool." You wanted so bad to be 'normal...'

.......

By the time you was done walking home you reached a new low-piont in your self-esteem. Thats when you noticed u had a missed call. Dewey. You sighed. He had been SO happy for you to be dating. Enthausiastically helping you with your outfit and even what kind of perfume you should wear. You were not only a dissapiontment for yourself... but for Dewey as well.

You quickly wiped away a tear. Damn this. Damn this shit. Damn this day. You just didnt felt it. Again.

All you wanted to do was to jump into a hot shower, eat some pizza on the couch and lounge on the couch, revel in the safe comfort of Dewey.

You were not dissapionted by the smell of your favorite pizza already stalking towards you on the way to your front door. You smiled a bit at that.

Dewey had seen you crying through the window of your apartment and already planned to do something special for you, since you had such a hard time lately and he had been too oblivious too see it. So he decided to make you your favorite pizza, and just be there for you when your date didnt worked out.

You opened the door and was greeted by a dancing Dewey in his boxershorts and old band t-shirt. He was smiling at you while hopping of the cough while The Pretender of the Foo Fighters blasted through your appartement. He headbanged towards the speakers and you managed to get out a small snort. Your neighbours had to hate you guys.

Wiping your nose you tried to smile at him. But failed miserably. You stood in the middle of the living room feeling small and stupid. Your lip was quivering and you wanted to wipe the tear away that was spilling down your cheeck.

All in that moment Dewey was by your side, wiping away the tear that you inteded to brush away yourself.

You smiled sadly at him, through your tears and sobs. And you heard him mumble your name while pulling you into his arms. "Its okay love. You're okay. Im so proud of you." He started petting your head softly with his calloused fingers and holding you close. He knew this was a big step for you, and didnt asked any questions about your breakdown. Or date. He wanted you to tell him when you were ready. Untill then there were no words needed.

You got out of his loving embrace when you heard something beeping in the distance. "Dew! The pizza!" You smacked his arm and while muttering a "fuck" under his breath, he took a dive towards the oven.

He smiled a lopsided smile to you while striking a ridiculous pose, using the towel in his hands as a cape. He sing song: "i am the pizza heroooooo and i present you your favorite pizza, mylady...." You couldnt help but cackle at that. "Your a weirdo Dew... but thanx pizza-king."

.......

You two ate on the couch after you took a shower and dressed in your favorite sweats.

After Dewey had put away the dishes he dropped on the couch with you and grabbed his guitar. You went to lie with your head on his lap while he was tuning the strings. You listened to him fumbling with some wires and relaxed at the familiar sound and the rise of his chest above you. He played some chords untill there was a rythem in them and you felt your clouded mind become clearer.

You were relaxing against him when you heard him mumble your name... "hey y/n, wanna hear anything particular?" You shaked your head no.

He hummed in response, playing the tune of your favorite song anyway.

Dewey softly started singing:

"And i don't want the world to see me.

Cause i don't think that they'll understand.

When everything is made to be broken.

I just want you to know who i am...."

You felt the tears behind your eyes prickling. With a soft poke in his chest you whispered with all the courage you had left: "...Dew... Dewey..."

"Hmmm...sweetheart, whats up?" He replied softly.

You sighed, rubbing your hand against your forehead, gathering some more courage. You muttered: "I ehm.... I think I need to tell you something Dew..."

He went to put his guitar away. Shifting slightly so you was lying with your head on his lap, and he could look you right in the eye from how he was sitting. He grabbed your hand ,that out of stress had been clutching your own sweater, and placed his hand around yours. Squeezing lightly in encouragement. He smiled at you. It was an understanding smile, full of love and patience. You could cry at that alone. But swallowed your tears away, there had been anough crying today you decided.

Dewey saw you swallow hard and brought your clutched hands to his mouth and kissed them. "You can tell me anyting babe. You know that right?" You hummed in response.

Knowing you could trust him but also feeling incredibly scared and anxious... you stuttered: "Dew... i think... there is a reason i dont... i think i might be..." he squeezed your hand one more time.

You took that as an encouragement and mumbled the words that were nagging you for the past few months, your nerves barely made your voice louder then a whisper: "I think... ehm... I might be asexual Dewey..."

You felt like you could throw up. Or cry. Or both. You actually were about to bolt and do just that, untill you heard a familiar voice bringing u back to the present moment.

"... y/n... love... youknow..."

You coulndnt even hear full scentences of what Dewey was saying. His voice fading away, your nerves making it hard to fucus. He noticed your absence and your shallowing breathing, your breaths becoming faster and shorter with each one you took in. You couldnt even look at him while saying that. You were a pathetic coward... and now he would finally see you for the freak and the outcast you were. He would be disgusted and think you were a robot and leave you... You took another shaking breath...

A feeling brought you out of your shallow breathing. You noticed familliar calloused fingers glide through your hair. Combing through it and massaging your scalp softly. A smile appeared on your face, his movement was slowly getting the darkness outof your head. Finally you dared to look up towards Dewey. He was softly humming to you. His voice always calmed you, definetly right in this moment. His humming grounded you, while he was softly playing with your hair. You felt his other thumb circle softly on your hand he was still holding.

He smiled a soft smile at you, whisperening: "Hey... your back with me princess?" You nodded slowly. Tears spilling on your cheeks once again. "y/n, sweetheart, i love you the way you are. Always did, and always will. You are you. And if that is being asexual, then that's totally okay and i will be here for you. Every step of the way. Im so proud of you..."

He wiped away your tears, and while you choked out a "thank you Dewey", he kissed you on your forehead.

"Im so proud of you coming to terms with yourself. You dont have to do anything you dont want, okay? Dont ever feel obligated to date anyone just to feel 'normal'. You are you, y/n. And you are enough."

You smiled at that and yawned. The emotions of today suddenly making you very tired. "Dew..." you mumbled sleepy.

"Yeah...?"

"You may do the head-massage more often... it feels nice"

He chuckled at that, pinching your nose playfully. "Thats a deal... now off to bed with you, miss platonic."

You chuckled sleepily. Admire-ing his bad jokes even at this time and moment.

"Thanx Dewey..."

"Anytime babe..." he awnsered.

You stood up, your head and body suddenly heavy with sleep. Your mind drifted for a moment, but came back to the presence of Dewey sofly poking your side. You giggled, he knew you were ticklish there, and you swatted his hand away when he tried to do it a second time. He chuckled at that, glad he made you laugh again.

You looked at the floor. Anxiety bubbling in your chest at the nagging question in your head. Could you ask him this? After all that just happened? Would he still take you serious if you did? It wasn't sexual but still as intimate as you could be, and you didn't want to seem like you weren't serious. Since... well... people... sometimes mistook cuddles for sex. You still felt anxcious and conflicted, but didn't want to sleep alone. You took a big breath, looking a bit tired and sleepy up at him. Heart thumping nervously in your chest as your hands started to sweat. You glanced at his face and when you saw a half smile creeping up his face you knew you could ask him anything.

"Dew.... would you..." you had to stop because a yawn was bugging you. You continued after wiping your face sleepily, still anxious: "would you mind sleeping with me tonight? I... just... really dont wanna be alone right now. I need some cuddles." You confessed, biting your lip as you waited for his response. Anxiety slowly spreading in your chest as you waited at his awnser.

Instead of awnsering with words Dewey got up from the couch and pulled you into a big hug, once again petting your hair while holding you tight. You sighed and felt the tension leaving your body as he held you. "Of course..." he mumbled sofly in the crook of your neck. You took a big breath through your nose, nerves calming as you were surrounded by the familiar smell of Dewey. A familiar smell of tea-tree-oil, a bit of sweat and a hint of pizza from your dinner. His body was warm and his stubble tickled your neck as he held you close. You felt safe in his arms, and less troubled. Your mind cleared with every breath you felt him take in as the two stood there together. His hands seemed to wipe every anxious, stressed thought you had away. His calloused fingers still combing trough your hair affectionately. You sighed back at him, relaxed by his caring touch: "Thanx Dew...."

......

When you lay in your bed, later that night you fell asleep quite quickly. You knew you wouldnt be alone. Dewey snored a little in his sleep, and you couldnt help but smile. Feeling safe in his strong arms as he hugged you in his sleep, you felt his calm breath on your neck. The last thing you thought before drifting off was: 'Its gonna be fine. Im gonna be okay. Dewey is with me. Whatever i happen to like or not like, feel or not feel...

Dewey is here. Right by my side.'

Tagging: @paxenera @heknowshisherbs @hoodoo12 @large-unit @little-miss-shy-goth @thats-specific @vicunaburger @ironmansuucks @bugdrinkss @go-commander-kim @stranger-strings

#soft dewey finn #dewey finn imagine #dewey x reader #dewey finn #dewey finn fanfic #dewey finn fanfiction #dewey finn x fem!reader #dewey finn x you #dewey finn x reader #school of rock broadway #school of rock the musical #school of rock fanfiction #school of rock #school of rock musical #alex brightman #bouncy oddball #asexual #lgtbqia+ #myownfic

[filmnoirsbian]

G*d that comphet list,,, I’ve noticed a lot of comphet lists actually aren’t very useful for questioning people. I do want to ask tho as a bi woman who is questioning how did u realize ur a lesbian and not bisexual??

I have my own issues with the way comphet is discussed and described but lists like that are actively demoralizing and degrading to all non-gold star lesbians even if they aren't questioning. I identified as bisexual at first because of my history with men, because I was convinced that not being gold star meant I could never identify as a lesbian, even though every relationship I had with men felt strange and wrong and relatively numb on my end, because I was just going through the motions expected of me. When I finally allowed myself to acknowledge and embrace my attraction to women, I came out as bisexual and was very content with that label for some time. But eventually I realized that, for all I had really found a place of support and comfort with my local bi community, my "attraction to men" was a hypothetical only. I identified as bi both because I had dated men in the past (though I'd felt no actual attraction to them), and because I thought I might find The Exceptional Man that I could be attracted to in the future. Because never say never, right? I realized I had never felt any real interest in men, and couldn't even conjure up an idea of a man I might feel interest in. Even "celebrity crushes" were superficial "that person is pretty" affairs. I never felt anything close to attraction towards them. But when my only basis of comparison for so long were half-baked relationships I mostly went along with to fit in, it was hard for me to define what real attraction felt like. I had buried my interest in women since I was a kid, occasionally playing it up for laughs at parties because that was the only environment where my kissing a girl was "acceptable." I simply assumed all girls wanted to kiss their girl friends more than their actual boyfriends lol. I actively dreaded being alone with the men I dated. I just thought that was normal. It was a messy, confusing, and long road, is what I'm saying! And it isn't the same for all of us.

#asks #the world only spins forward