#or am I suffering from some type of seasonal depression

[chiibinomonodamon]

WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME RAMBLE ABOUT GAY FURRY DEMON SEX? XD

(damn, there's a sentence I never thought I'd say....)

Okay...so I see some Stolitz confusion and bashing online and I need to type up a defense here because I won't be able to sleep otherwise lol

I consider myself to be a Ship Critic and someone who takes shipping rather seriously.

What I mean by this is, I like to analyze and break down romantic relationships between fictional characters because it's just interesting to write for me. I especially take delight in friendly debating with opinions that I strongly do *not* agree with.

Let me start off by saying I am NOT a "this ship is awesome because gay furry sex lol" type of girl.

FAR from it. I'm generally more passionate about hetero ships between human characters (because I can relate to them more) among other reasons. So if you wanna dismiss my defense as "shallow fangirlism", you can forget about that lame excuse.

I fell in love with Hazbin Hotel when it was finally released in February and suffered waiting for each new two-parts per week. During that time, I decided to watch Helluva Boss as well, after a friend showed me a particularly soul-crushing clip (Moxxie's childhood trauma about his mother).

Yes, I like funny sex jokes as much as the next goofy adult but scenes like this, scenes that carry a very heavy emotional weight are what really get me in the end, even moreso when VERY little dialogue is exchanged. I knew I had to watch the entire episode run after seeing that the creators had a talent for this.

I saw people asking:

"How did Stolas go from using Blitz as a sex toy to being painfully in love with him?"

Oh I can tell you. I can tell you the EXACT moment this is revealed. But it's not spoon-fed to you; it's quite subtle actually and this is why lots of people miss it.

See, one of the strongest talents Vivenne has shown me is that she REALLY knows how to get her characters to communicate their feelings to the viewers JUST from their expressions and body language. These can be 'blink-and-miss-it' teeny little scenes and it may require a couple rewatches.

But since people demand time stamps for all information others post here, I'll rewatch a few scenes from S1 E7 'Ozzie's' as I'm typing this.

'Ozzie's' remains to be not just my favorite episode of HB...but probably my favorite episode of any adult-targeted animated show outside of Japan (aside from S2 E7's Mid-Season Special)

It has this huge reveal for both Blitzo and Stolas.

We'll first address Blitzo's irrational, stalkerish behavior of Moxxie and Millie.

He's obsessed with them. He finds both of them very attractive, fantasizes about threesomes with them and is constantly inserting himself into their personal lives.

Why?

Because they have everything that he badly badly wants for himself.

They have the perfect marriage and he is trying to live THROUGH them.

This was hilarious to me at the beginnning of the show but it's slowly revealed that it's one of the most tragic and depressing things I've ever seen. And it's scarily realistic too.

But you know this already so let's move on...

Blitzo follows the couple to Ozzie's but he can't get in without a date. So he calls up Stolas and yes, this is very low but he doesn't realize how much this means to Stolas (hell, I'm not sure even Stolas realizes it himself!) but the owl man is giddy with joy, he rushes over and they enter Ozzie's.

When Ozzie and Fizz mock Moxxie for being so sappy towards his wife, this strikes a chord with Blitzo (because they're his IDEAL relationship) and he speaks up to defend them.

NOW PAY CLOSE ATTENTION; THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART:

Fizz, still holding onto his past grudge turns on Blitzo to humilate him:

"Some nerve you got commenting on a relationship"

Time Stamp: 11:37

As Fizz says "-ship", Blitzo VERY QUICKLY makes eye contact with Stolas who has a look of panic on his face. Blitzo is seeking VALIDATION from Stolas in this sharp, subtle second of screentime, as if to ask

"Well, ARE we in one?"

And then what happens next...Stolas remains silent, Blitzo's ex joins in to announce how selfish Blitzo was in bed with her, tearing him down further. Stolas stands up like he's going to put a stop to it but then Ozzie notices him and interrogates him about sleeping with Blitzo.

Blitzo looks incredibly ashamed and guilty as Stolas blushes with similar feelings...and hides his face behind his menu; HIS BIGGEST MISTAKE IN THE SERIES SO FAR.

Time Stamp: 12:24

The look on Blitzo's face as he grits his teeth and darts his eyes away basically says

"Yeah, I should have known...boy am I an idiot for trusting him to stand up for me".

(look how SHOCKED he is...wow, this hurts fr ;_;)

This is a silent betrayal on Stolas's part. Afterall, his reputation is on the line, so if he were to defend Blitzo, it confirms they are in fact, dating. He chose his pride over Blitzo and Blitzo is crushed by this betrayal.

Moxxie finishes his song and kisses his wife tenderly. Stolas watches this and also wants to have an affectionate moment with Blitzo (who is rightfully glaring daggers at him) and tries to reach for his hand.

Blitzo rejects his touch and suggests they leave. As they do, Blitzo still looks furious and hurt. Stolas is now realizing how badly he screwed up with a "What have I done?" face (13:41)

He even looks disappointed with himself.

After Blitzo drops Stolas off, he thanks him and tries to smooth over the awkwardness with sweet talk but Blitzo just rolls his eyes in disgust and pulls on his face like "I don't want to hear this bullshit".

He responds coldly and curtly, "Yeah." Stolas makes more suggestions to spend time with him, which just makes him even angrier and he snaps

"I'm not fucking you tonight, okay!

I'm really just..." (14:28)

he pauses to wipe a tear because at this point he can barely hold it together (top notch voice acting and animation directing btw)

"...not in the mood, Stolas."

Stolas still tries to talk him into doing couple things unrelated to sex.

Blitzo's face switches back to anger and frustration because Stolas isn't getting the message so he goes for the blunt tactic;

"Stolas, don't act like what we have is anything but YOU wanting ME to fuck you, okay?"

(14:42)

"You make that really clear all the time."

(again his voice sounds like he's about to break down)

"But I-I just can't do it tonight, okay?"

(Finally meets his eye)

"...I'm sorry."

I believe this is code for "I'm sorry we're even in this situation and how your reputation got damaged. " Or, more painfully, "I'm sorry I'm such an embarrassment to you".

Stolas replies "Okay" and takes a deep breath to compose himself. They say goodnight and depart.

An important note here is that Stolas calls him "Blitzo" instead of "Blitzy" to show more respect.

As Blitzo zooms away coldly, Stolas looks up at the sky with tears in his eyes, surprised at how much it hurts.

He then sits down with his head in his hands in anguish...because he's getting that

"Oh...no. These feelings are real" epiphany.

And as if this wasn't enough angst, Blitzo collapses onto his couch at home, goes through the memories on his phone and starts sobbing.

I'm going to be real with you; this is the most heart-breaking shit I have ever seen in an adult show of this type. It's also the first time a show of this type got me to cry.

The last six minutes have revealed so much information without spoonfeeding it to the audience because the show RESPECTS its audience.

To recap:

*Blitzo takes Stolas on a first official date to use him

*Stolas is extremely happy about it

*Blitzo gets humilated and looks to Stolas for validation

*Stolas betrays him and breaks his heart

*Blitzo snaps that their relationship is nothing more than lust-driven sex

*Stolas realizes he's actually in love with Blitzo and it's a huge problem because (he believes) that it's unrequited.

*Blitzo breaks down because the ONE person whom he thought would protect him didn't do so.

So these two are convinced that neither one loves the other...while the irony is, it's quite the opposite.

Because if Blitzo REALLY didn't feel anything towards Stolas, he would not have gotten this emotional.

Yes, they are both lonely...but I really don't think that's all there is between them.

So..........we know WHEN they started falling...now the question is why;

I think the answer's quite simple; single-target affection.

It was mentioned in S2 that Stolas and Stella did sleep together ONE TIME...but Stolas didn't enjoy it at all. He is stuck with a wife who hates him so much that she put a HIT on him...and a daughter who thinks he's a loser. Blitzo is pretty much the one person in his life who is able to make him happy. That one small, bright spot. He enjoys the sex with him but he also simply enjoys his company, as shown in Ozzie's episode. He is thrilled to simply talk to him about his day...and do anything else that couples do. They're complete opposites. Stolas is an intellectual but naive and sheltered. Blitzo is poorly educated but cynical and street-smart. Opposites attract...though this is likely more from Stolas's POV than Blitzo's.

In other words, Stolas is into bad boys xD lmao

In Blitzo's case, Stolas is the only character who shows him physical affection which he desperately craves. He's pretty tsundere about it most of the time...but I think he actually does enjoy that attention...especially when he's always getting disrespected by Moxxie and Loona..and quite a lot of people around him. BUT he's too scared to get serious with anyone because of past trauma and he also believes that no one could possibly love him as a person. :(

Reasons I Think This Love is Real

Aside from what I pointed out in the Ozzie's episode...there's quite a lot of evidence, esp from Stolas's POV.

After he realizes he's in love, he goes to Asomodeous for an ALTERNATIVE method for Blitzo to use so they will no longer sleep together. He wants to set Blitzo free. Which means he DOES truly love him because love is about being generous to the other person. He COULD be totally selfish about it but he isn't.

Asomodeous mentions how against love potions he is and Stolas agrees. He thinks that's out of the question.

'Look My Way' music video. Lol I don't have to say anything more.

In S2 E6 OOPS

This exchange at 16:57

Fizz: Seems your taste has gotten more 'regal', lately?

Blitz: Yeah, well unlike you, I fuck who I want WHEN I want. I'm not gonna be tied down to some big blue-blood asshole.

Fizz: You coulda fooled me the way Prince was cozying up to you at Ozzie's.

Blitz (gets very defensive) HEY! Stolas only cares about have a rugged peasant raw-dog him into his mattress, okay!

It's nothing...(gets hesistant and looks away)...you know...

(Fizz gives him a 'bitch please' look xD)

"it's nothing else."

Fizz: Then why were you even there?

Blitz: OTHER very important reasons of course.

Fizz: Whatever. I don't actually care.

Blitz: Stolas is just a loud, thirsty BITCH!

(Fizz is rolling his eyes again)

Blitz: He loves feeling the thrill of getting dicked by the lower class.

It's a novelty to him.

Fizz: LITERALLY just said I don't care!

Blitz: And then he'll call me and try to see how my day was!

And he'll pretend to care about me and comment on my photos laugh at my jokes...

Fizz: (Smirking) OH! That's definitely your clue right there that it's all bullshit!

Blitz: I KNOW, RIGHT??

Fizz: (Making a 'What in idiot' expression, shaking his head)

Blitz: HE'S JUST A FAKE, PRIVELEDGED ASSHOLE...

Fizz: Sounds like you just hate him for being a prince!

No one (laughs) and I mean NO ONE pretends to care that much just for a cheap lay.

All right. IF ANYONE knows what real love is like, it's Fizzaroli...who is in a very HEALTHY relationship with Asomodeous. He recognizes the signs because he's IN that place. He sees it...and he's annoyed that Blitzo keeps denying it and brushing it off...yet clearly can NOT stop talking about Stolas (amusing irony)

To sum up (this freaking essay lol) 'Stolitz' ABSOLUTELY has the potential to be pure and true...these two just need to communicate...or Stolas has to PROVE to Blitzo that he's serious about his feelings in another way.

There is no doubt that this ship is 100% endgame and is a case of the 'Earn Your Happy Ending' Trope. I look forward to the rest of the journey. Ron is putting my feelings about Stolitz in a perfect phrase:

#shipping #helluva boss #blitzø #stolas #stolitz #blitzo x stolas #stolas x blitz #vivziepop #animation #man they really have a firm grip on my heart #it's so strange to me lol #OH THE ANGST

[vorpalfae]

Trigger Warning: Rare Illness/Health Issues [wasn't sure if this need a tw but these topics make some ppl uncomfy so i wanted to be considerate anyway💜]

so a lot of ppl have been asking me why i don't post pics anymore or why i have barely been on social media compared to how i used to be. and the reason is i've been having severe health issues for a very long time. i can't even remember the last time i went more than a month without feeling nauseous, or actually throwing up, or just having headaches and stomach pain that are so bad i can barely tolerate them.

i've known for a while that i have gastritis, but my mom & my bf convinced me to go to a new doctor for a second opinion. after months & months of pure agony and feeling exhausted and sick to the point where i have no energy, i finally know why. i went to a specialist and discovered i have a rare illness called CVS (Cyclic vomiting syndrome). and i also am lactose intolerant which was amplifying my symptoms because i eat dairy products constantly.

i am going to be starting treatment for it and i really hope it improves my life and my ability to function because i am so tired of "living" like this. just existing has been exhausting and painful. i literally haven't been able to accomplish any of the goals i have because i can't go more than a few days without feeling horrible.

i already feel useless because i'm autistic and i have bipolar 1 and i'm waiting on disability payments to come through because i am unable to work with my disabilities. so my bf has been working and doing his best to take care of me and our kids. i just feel so horrible and guilty all the time. and i genuinely didn't know why i feel sick 24/7. all i want is to feel like myself again. and to do all the things i miss doing. i feel like i'm trapped by this illness.

i'm grateful to have answers and know what i'm dealing with finally. but after suffering like this almost every single day for so long its so hard to feel hopeful for the future at this point. i'm literally in tears as i type this. its just been really bad. i never do my makeup anymore or feel good about myself. i can barely move sometimes because the pain in my stomach is so bad or i get pain in my throat from vomiting for hours at a time, and then i get MORE pain from dry heaving due to not being able to hold down any food. and then i get random migraines and headaches that last all day as a result of all of that. its taking a huge toll on my body and my mental health. my depression gets worse during the winter season so when this started getting really bad it just made my mental health a million times worse. its literal hell.

but yeah thats why i haven't been online. real life is hard enough and i haven't been motivated to post because of the hell i'm going through or a lot of the time i physically CAN'T make content. but i'm going to keep trying. i'm going to do every fucking thing my doctors tell me to do because im so fed up with suffering. i promise that i will make content again and post the things i create and other stuff i used to post about before i stopped being able to function. as soon as i start to feel semi normal or at least well enough to do daily activities and complete even small goals, i will post about it. i'll keep u guys updated.

i appreciate every single person who follows me and my content, and all the ppl who keep checking up on me and wondering where the fuck i went. i love you guys so much💜 and i'm so sorry to all the ppl who haven't heard from me. if i can gain at least a little bit of my physical strength and health back, i will be so happy. i also am trying to get vitamins prescribed to me because im severely lacking nutrients but they are so expensive and i can't afford them out of pocket until i get my disability money. i'm also anemic and have to start taking iron supplements again. i'm just a giant ball of health issues😭 its actually ridiculous how bad my health has been. but i'm a mom and for that reason i will never stop trying. i will do whatever it takes to get better. i don't think my health could get much worse than it is currently. hopefully i didn't just jinx myself by saying that😭

sorry for the super long explanation, i just have sooo many messages in my inbox and questions that you guys send me that i haven't answered. i don't want to leave u in the dark. the connections i've made on this silly little blog mean the world to me. and everything i've been going through has been so hard to explain. but since i recently got a REAL answer as to why i'm suffering so much, i felt it was a good time to let you guys know what is going on with me. like i said, when i am able to feel somewhat normal again i will post consistently and re-open my shop too! it sucks so bad having a passion for creating but being too sick to even get out of bed other than to get sick in the bathroom. i've been to the emergency room more times this month than i have in the last 4 years. if i can overcome this awfulness i will not take it for granted. i will work harder than i ever have to create and share it with the world. but for now i just have to sit back and do whatever my doctors tell me to do and hope to god that it helps me 😞

#kh

[yiminsuu]

Bittersweet Dreams

Pairing: Dream/Morpheus x F!Reader

Warnings: Angst with fluff, strained mother/daughter relationship, Morpheus and reader are bad at love, mutual pining, mentions of Calliope, reader is a medium, Death is the best.

Author’s Note: Gosh I absolutely loved The Sandman, I wish for a 2° season soon!

The sky cries shiny drops of water, illuminated by the full moon that seems to ignore all possible ways of hiding behind clouds. Laying on my bed with a blank expression, I woke up from another nightmare, a dream in which I was too cruelly suffering my worst feelings. No one came to help, no one came.

Did Dream forget about me...?

My heart ached, and I felt so overwhelmed by that thought alone that I couldn't help but fall to the ground when I tried to stand. So I stayed where I am and waited, and waited, and waited...

My nails felt cold, goosebumps appeared on my skin rapidly as someone translucent, someone that looked young, did their best to help me stand up. I don't know them, and they didn't let me see them either as if afraid of my reaction. However, they always appeared whenever I thought of him with sadness, and whispered so softly to not lose hope. I received an unwelcome letter not many days ago, with no address or sender, but it struck me so profoundly I couldn't breathe.

Calliope is beautiful, a daughter of Zeus, the love of Morpheus and the mother of the child they both lost. Grief and mourning reuniting ex-lovers are common and understandable, and I wish for nothing more than Dream to be okay, but I know... I know that I have nothing to do with it.

I felt my heart break, and a small whisper caught my attention, a whisper so mild and sweet it sounded familiar. Deciding to push myself through that person, I walked to the kitchen in complete darkness. They were gone, perhaps disappointed at my actions. Hell, I'm disappointed too, for thinking about him, for remembering every second, minute, hour and day I spent with him, helping him be the King of Dreams again...

And... That time we almost...

The sound of the microwave stirred me from daydreaming. I took the coffee and for an unknown amount of time I stood in place, glaring slightly, I watched the light of the kitchen blinking until it broke, and shards fell to the ground.

The stars never shined as bright as this type of night, then again, it's always like this whenever I'm visited by a form that should've crossed the other side a long time ago.

Death promised.

She promised she would take my mother away to the other side, but I can't blame anyone, mom was always the one that never let me live... Not without regrets, guilt, and hatred. Chuckling half-heartedly, I took a sip of my hot coffee and burned my tongue, hardly caring that tears fell down my cheeks. I am against drinking my problems away, and I am not good with human relationships, not since my last job. A job in which I was fired for not having sex with my boss. "Took you long enough, she's been annoying me for the last 4 hours." I muttered with a hint of exasperation. If I can see the dead then of course I would feel Death strolling around.

She didn't say anything for some time. "Your mother is... Stubborn. I didn't think she would escape just to see how you are."

"She wants to see me as depressed as ever, maybe this is the last time I see her and I feel incredibly uncomfortable. She stinks of poison." Death didn't take long in taking that woman away, and she came back 20 minutes later to sit in front of me, the cup of coffee long forgotten. Once more, we were alone, and I know what she wanted: To speak about me... And Dream.

"Death--"

"Let me speak." I shut my mouth closed. There was a small smile on her lips, and the kindness in her eyes is evident, but her tone is... Anything but friendly. "You cannot keep doing this, (Y/N). Guns and knives aren't the only cause of death in the world, and you, you that is so willingly sensitive to the other side... It's possible to die of a broken soul. A broken heart." I know how right she is, damn if I know how much this is mentally consuming me, but Dream is... Out of my reach. His everything will always belong to her. "I know... But I can't."

"You can't? Or you don't want to?"

"I can't, AND I don't want to. It won't matter in the end, I'm not immortal, I'm not like you. I am a human with a fucked up bloodline." Death stared at me with no emotion. "I will die." I continued. "Don't you think I should suck these emotions in? And bury them as far as Hell is so I won't see one more tear in his eyes? Half of his siblings want him gone, his son is dead, he was imprisoned for 100 years...! He's had enough! My problems are nothing compared to his, besides... I already know what his answer is... All he does is give me nightmares..." The silence is unbearable, I had looked away long before finishing my sentence, Death is still staring at me with almost no emotion except for her mouth slightly open, and letting out an exhaled to finish the conversation. 

The lights flickered wildly before coming to a stop as the chocolaty figure was about to leave. "Do you remember what your father said? About love...?" I didn't respond, and she was gone.

Friction makes affection. 

But does my dear king feel the same affection...?

I couldn't sleep the next night either, I spent all day helping a family come to terms with the death of their sons and it left me bothered. I knew something bad would happen, but I didn't know it would be me that would be left so empty. The smile those children gave me when they departed... I...

"(Y/N)."

I jumped on my chair before turning at the source of the voice, the last person I wanted to see. "Dream..."

He remained quiet as he watched my expression intently, and I quickly realized I was crying. Dream took a few steps toward me but I backed away, making him stop abruptly. "A job... It took a turn on me. D-Do you need something?"

"The Corinthian." I inhaled heavily at that name. "Death found a body left by it, there was no soul to be collected. I need you to look for it." He finished and I sighed, I knew it was going to be a tough job to look for a scared soul. That monster has been nothing but a nuisance ever since he got out of Dream's realm. "Alright, but please, let me become a person before going out there--" A grip on my arm made me stop in my tracks, and I glanced up at the king to find him staring into my eyes. My heartbeat increased and my brows furrowed with shyness. "The nightmares." He paused for a small moment. "They weren't on purpose."

"They weren't on purpose? I've been plagued with those for over 3 weeks and that's all you have to say!?" I needed to shout out my pain at his irresponsibility, but in the end, I had to calm down. "I haven't slept at all..."

"I know." He said, almost too gently. None of us said anything afterward, I don't know how much time has passed, and more tears danced down my cheeks. Dream's touch held a flame that burned me as I got dangerously closer to him, my head rested on his cheek as he placed his hand on my hair. I embraced his torso softly and relaxed, hearing his low hum, a sound of approval at me returning the affection.

Affection...

"What have I done to deserve such nightmares...?" I muttered. The king held me in place, I didn't dare push away, and I didn't care if I was being selfish. I only want him to stay a little longer. "You are connected to me... And I made sure it would remain like that." I looked at him slowly and felt his hands on both my cheeks, my eyes widened. "What I saw... Were your personal nightmares...?" Dream didn't say anything, and only stared at me before uniting our foreheads.

He's... Scared of losing me, and I him.

"Dream... I've always been yours. But I beg you, don't give me more nightmares." My hands came up to his cheeks, and he closed his eyes as he felt me, his thumb cleaning away my tears. My beloved Morpheus. "My queen, I won't let anyone hurt you. You are mine, for as long as I live."

#The Sandman #king of dreams #morpheus #morpheus x reader #dream #dream x reader #the endless #oneshot #the sandman x reader #the endless x reader

[dramallamas]

would anyone wanna see my Sweet Home au for jwds because the ideas keep flowing the more I watch sweet home season 2.

like the main concept of my au is basically to make juwon a neohuman/monster-human at the start of the apocalypse when it hits manyang. so basically jwds arguing in the basement, then it triggers juwons power/monster stuff (sorry dongsik you may have to suffer minimal injury and property damage). juwon knew he was infected from before then though but kept it quiet because his dad and job yada yada and then as the apocalypse goes on it becomes a question of how much longer can juwon keep his monstertification a secret and avoid getting killed or hurting anyone.

for dongsik I am thinking of just keeping him a regular human person who ended up roped into a mess (so basically canon). he does find yuyeon and the whole arc he goes on in BE does happen eventually dw. but that may have to go on the backburner in favour of maybe shooting down some monsters and helping people in the apocalypse. he's stressed, depressed, a bit of a mess. I'm thinking that he would be a bit of a reluctant leader type character.

its just a little au which will end up as a oneshot for now if people are interested. I just think that Hyunsu and Juwon may have some things in common like their beliefs and attitudes. when I watched the sweet home I thought that they were similar and Hyunsu reminded me of Juwon. oh and the fact that BE actors keep showing up in Sweet Home (Lee Dohyun in s1 and Kim Shinrok in s2).

if you're interested or have any further ideas then comment and reblog :)

#beyond evil #kdrama #괴물 #jwds #sweet home #sweet home netflix #fanfic #ao3 writer #au

[mrsreinhart]

Lili Reinhart - Grazia Italia Interview

In the cult TV series Riverdale we met her as an always fearless heroine, often forced to confront others and with herself. But even in real life American actress Lili Reinhart, 26, has often found herself having to look within to overcome difficulties.

At 14, when she was already determined to pursue a career in acting, she was diagnosed with a form of depression. Very young, she went through anxiety attacks and various kinds of difficulties, not least that body dysmorphic disorder that leads her to see herself differently from others and to suffer from some physical characteristics that she perceives in a distorted way.

Reinhart has therefore become the champion of the battles for mental health and for the acceptance of different types of beauty. She didn't hesitate to expose herself even to a global celebrity like the queen of social networks Kim Kardashian: the actress found that losing so much weight and in a short time to get into a dress that belonged to Marilyn Monroe was not a good example for her women who have difficulty accepting their body.

At the Women in Film Gala 2022, Lili then received the Max Mara Face of the Future award, dedicated to emerging actresses. «My family», declared Maria Giulia Prezioso Maramotti, «has built a company that honors and celebrates women, above all in the arts. We wanted to award the prize to a young artist who embodies our values, but who is still evolving. What Lili is going in is an excellent direction to follow.

I meet Reinhart in Los Angeles, while she's curled up in the make-up artist's chair for Grazia's fashion shoot that you see in these pages. She remains seated for a long time with her legs pulled up to her chest, a position that evokes the tenderness of a little girl. But she talks to me about serious topics and does it with honesty and depth, even when it comes to revealing the most intimate aspects of her life. She became a global celebrity thanks to the character of Betty Cooper in the TV series Riverdale, which reached its seventh season.

Do vou ever think that the success of this role has somehow slowed down your career as an actress?

I am grateful to Riverdale for everything it has brought me. If I'm sitting here with her now, it's because of the success of the show. But at some point in life, it's time to move on."

Do you feel that you have something to prove to others or to yourself?

I've been acting since I was 12, l've come a long way since then, but I think I haven't yet fulfilled my potential. And this is a challenge for myself. I want the actors who inspire me to talk about me, I want to go far and deserve it. For the past seven years, I've been doing a teen show, Riverdale, with a style that isn't necessarily. what i prefer. But Riverdale it has been incredibly successful and takes up practically all my time, so it has been difficult for me to seize other opportunities

Have you had to make many job cuts?

Last spring I was offered a role that I wanted to play with all my heart, but unfortunately the dates did not reconcile with the filming of the show. It was devastating to say no.

What was she like as a child? Did you imagine that when you grew up?

| was an introvert, I lived in my own little world and I always felt a bit isolated. I think I have an old soul, with my peers I felt like a fish out of water and I didn't quite understand which was the right place for me. Just yesterday I was talking to my mother about when I enjoyed dressing up as a child. We had a box full of costumes we'd collected over the years, I even changed three times a day. I put on plays and plays for my family, I always wanted to perform. So, in the end, I moved on to the theater up to television and cinema.

Was performing a way of expressing yourself?

Some people are naturally outgoing, funny. I felt I could only be by performing. I was very insecure and acting gave me the opportunity to explore sides of my personality that I would not have known otherwise.

And i also brought out a very intimate and vulnerable side by writing a book of poems, Swimming Lessons: Poems ("Swimming lessons: poems").

Yes, it was a time in my life when I felt like I wanted to. to do something that came exclusively from me and over which I had total creative control. I was very nervous at first, because it was a bit like sharing a diary with people who were ready to judge it and judge me. As an actress I feel safe, as a writer I don't: hence the negative comments on mine. book strengthened my fears. I know that no one would have paid attention to my poems if Lili the actress hadn't signed them, but I never had the claim. to establish myself as a writer. I'm a romantic and I just wanted to share a different side of me.

Don't you think maybe you're too hard on yourself?

I internalize a lot, especially the criticisms. After all, poetry is the way I express my emotions. What I wanted to convey was not, "Look at me, I'm a writer." | wanted to tell the people who follow me that I am an absolutely normal human being: I have feelings, insecurities, I struggle and face life's challenges just like anyone else.

She has often spoken about her insecurities, especially physical ones, and is a spokesperson for the "body positivity" for the acceptance of all physicalities. Do you remember the first time dysmorphia, a disorder you suffer from,presented itself?

I have an average build and, when I began to get to know the world of fashion and clothes better, I met models with very different physiques from mine. There have been times when the clothes they offered just didn't fit me. So I said to myself: "Why don't I have a smaller physique?". When a dress designed for someone two sizes smaller than you doesn't fit, you start to think you're wrong and you have to do something to fit the clothes. But in a young woman these thoughts can hurt a lot.

I recently Today, however, she sees her photos everywhere. What does it feel? She likes herself?

I talked about this with my therapist. In fact, I feel like i live in a sort of perpetual comparison with other, more glamorous versions of myself. I started acting as a child and learned that my body is always changing. Today I accept myself more and judge myself less, however Hollywood doesn't want you to get old and puts pressure on you for it. Don't you think it's crazy that at 26 | worry about not having the same face as when I was 19? Of course I don't have it! Even the one in these photos is certainly a more beautiful version of me: I'm not like this every day. Constantly having to show a better image of ourselves can play tricks on us, because it can make us believe that our everyday version is not enough.

And how does she find a way to get everyone along these versions of itself?

I can't, they don't get along. There is my everyday self that reminds Lili of the glamor that looks like this only if she is surrounded by professionals who they make up and comb her hair. But I'm making peace with the fact that first I have to learn to be okay with each version of me. For example, I now have an acne breakout. Who sees them? Acne has always triggered severe mental and emotional distress in me. It makes me feel bad and makes it difficult for me to appear in public or take pictures without makeup because I know my skin would otherwise look different than everyone expects. Instead I should think that a rash doesn't take anything away from me, it doesn't define me. It's always me. Unfortunately it's a constant struggle: I live in a world that demands perfection and, at times, I think I've begun to demand it too. But then I think that everything happens for a reason and maybe the reason why acne always shows up on my face is because I have to learn to love every season my skin and my body go through because that's right. I'm a human being, not a mannequin.

I couldn't help but notice the tattoo on her right forearm: an arrow.

I did it around 18, 19. It represents my battle against depression: an arrow can only go forward if it is first pulled back. It's like saying that, once you hit rock bottom, you can only go back up.

In which direction is it pointing then?

Forward, always. My mental health has its ups and downs and this arrow reminds me that I always manage to get out of it, because I'm a tireless fighter.

But, during this fight, I hope she takes moments to appreciate what she has achieved.

I appreciate my battles, it is thanks to them that I am such a strong person. I wouldn't change anything about me. Having had the experience of depression leads me to experience moments of joy more intensely and makes me establish healthier and deeper relationships. The moments of discouragement have taught me so much about myself and it is right that I experience them and face them when they arise, rather than trying to escape.

She was cast as the Max Mara Face of the Future. How does this recognition make you feel?

It's a complicated feeling to explain. It's hard for me to accept that people see me this way. I almost feel like I have imposter syndrome, because I don't think I've shown my worth as an actress yet. I have exposed myself as an activist for body positivity and mental health, but in my work I think I haven't given my best yet. I'm waiting for that opportunity, which is on the horizon, but l'm waiting. So to receive the award before I've even been able to demonstrate what I think I can do as an actress is very encouraging. And I'm grateful because this recognition makes me understand that l'm already doing something good.

-Credit to lililovebots on Twitter for posting the interview.

#tried to translate the best I could #lili reinhart #grazia italy

[queermania]

I have a real question that I promise I'm not trying to start shit. Just really wanna know your thoughts. Do you think Jensen wants them to make destiel canon or Dean queer?

ummmm.... maybe? my honest answer is that i don't know. i have a lot of different thoughts that add up to a certain conclusion but it ultimately means nothing because i don't know him and i have no idea what he's thinking about anything.

my general speculation (based on nothing but vibes and an unnecessarily large wealth of spn knowledge) is that if kripke had come to him some time during the first three seasons and said, "hey we wanna make dean [insert flavor of queer here]" jensen would've been like "cool, boss, just tell me what you need me to do."

(after s3, i think the only flavor of queer that was even remotely an option was bisexual so that's what i'm using from here on out. however, i do still believe in my heart that dean is gay, for the record <3)

i think if any of the show runners or writers tried to make dean explicitly bisexual (with or without the inclusion of destiel) during s4 through about s10, jensen would've done it because he's a professional, but i also think he would've pushed back on it at least a little, for a variety of reasons.

i think starting around s11 all the way to the finale, he would've been fully on board with explicitly canon destiel, if the writers made that call.

and then that brings us to now and what happens going forward, because that's the real question. i do still believe that if it's out of his control, he will do whatever the people in charge want him to do. but i don't think that particular decision is out of his control anymore. so?

so what i know is that in the past he's said that dean is straight and that destiel isn't a thing, canonically. and he's never said the opposite (outside of the whole "it's a story and it can be whatever you want it to be" type rhetoric).

however. i also know that he was fully on board with the confession and that he was trying to get the rights to supernatural before it was even over because he already knew he wasn't satisfied with the way it was going to end. that tells me that he's always fully planned on the confession being resolved in some way. there are, broadly speaking, only two ways to resolve it:

1. dean doesn't reciprocate.

2. dean does reciprocate.

the thing i'm stuck on is: what does the show even look like going forward if dean doesn't reciprocate? i can't imagine jensen thinks that would go over well. i am generally of the opinion that our part of the fandom vastly overestimates how much of the audience we actually make up, but i just don't believe that after all of this *gestures broadly at the last however many years* he could possibly think that's satisfying. because what happens? dean says "thanks but no thanks" and then... they just pretend like it never happened? dean gets a female love interest? cas stays in heaven as an angel with jack and dean goes back to earth and has a human life without the family he chose over his father? what is the point of it all?

like, i just don't see a way to go forward without dean reciprocating that doesn't feel empty and unsatisfying and depressing for everybody (apart from another relatively small faction of the audience who are going to be unhappy with literally anything that isn't just sam and dean and nobody else anyway).

not to mention, there's no way jensen's not aware of the cultural impact of destiel and the confession at this point.

also, jensen suffers from terminal dean-girlism. he wants that germophobe to be happy. all roads lead to a certain conclusion. but again, i don't actually know.

(also just to be clear i believe dean already is subtextually queer and destiel is reciprocated and nothing you say will change that for me because i watched the show. i have the receipts.)

#replies #anonymous #jackles

[pearl484-blog]

Things you can do with Adrien/Kagami post-relationship

As a follow up on my things you can do with Adrien/Marinette post-relationship post, and to give fanfic writers free ideas, here are some things you can do with them post relationship. 

One of the things I hated about Season 4 is that it only gave Lukanette and Adrigami a montage. I am not a shiper of either of them, but come on. Not showing them was a missed oppurtunity. So, it is the duty of fanfic authors to do so. 

1. Adrien knows Kagami is Ryuko and Kagami does not know that. Have Adrien reveal that he knows about Ryuko, and examine the fallout. (My personal favorite reason for this is to give an excuse as to why he avoids Kagami during an akuma fight, so Ladybug will give her a chance to fight, but there are so many possibilities.)

2. Adrien has issues with consent and boundaries, and Kagami is very assertive. Adrien seems to prefer slow and steady with an emphasis on romance and sentimentatlity, while Kagami likes to be passionate and hates hesitation. These drastic differences in preferred relationship speeds could provide a lot of drama about dates, how they express their affection towards each other, and add tension to their relationship. Especially since unlike Marinette, Adrien can’t fool Kagami. She knows when he’s upset, and she’d probably interpret his reluctance at moving at Kagami’s speed with a disinterest in her. So she’d likely confront him, and Adrien would either have to confront his fear of voicing his objections or losing Kagami. 

3. Adrien gets depression in Season 4 because he feels as though he’s not needed. Kagami comes from Japan, a culture that heavily stigmatizes mental illness- and I doubt her mom is willing to teach her daughter to overcome those biases, with the type of woman she is. How will Kagami take his depression? How will she react? She seems like a fixer. What would her attempts be? Kagami herself struggles with several of the same things that Adrien does: loneliness, a need to fulfill extremely high expectations, similiar parents. Would that help her empathize or would that drive her to struggle more with Adrien’s condition as she doesn’t feel depression? Would Adrien’s depression pull her down as well? After all, like Adrien, Kagami has very few protective factors. Her family isn’t very supportive; she has few friends, and she’s only been in Paris for a little while, so she may be feeling extra isolated and without roots.  

4. Kagami isn’t free from depression. As I mentioned before, like Adrien, her protection factors for it are low and limited. If Kagami starts suffering from depression, how will Adrien react? He’s very empathetic so he’d probably understand immediately, but that stuff can be hard to deal with? Would he be patient and stay by her side, helping her get out of it step by step? Or would he try, and upon a series of failures, feel useless and hopeless? Would he like being the strong one in the relationship? And if he is, would he go the route he has with Ladybug and never reveal his insecurities and weak points?

5. Fluffy stuff. Adrien and Kagami bonding over romantic manga and fencing. They seem to enjoy that stuff (Chat Noir is a romantic, and his first choice of a movie to watch with Ladybug is a rom-com. While Kagami doesn’t typically partake in a lot of romance, she did read a romantic manga, even if unknowingly.) It’s a good way to bond.  

6. Adrien loves Kagami’s art (or at the very least he’s rightfully impressed), so he could model. While this is covered in Lies, you could show it in more progressive steps, as Kagami and Adrien discuss how they see Adrien as he poses, with Adrien trying so hard to please her, and Kagami getting more and more frustrated with not seeing the real Adrien. What will happen after several attempts? Will Adrien finally confess his identity crisis? And if he does, how will Kagami react? Will she act like she knows who he is, or will she help him figure out for himself?

7.  Adrien and Kagami are both skilled fencers who must compete sometimes. How will these competitions affect their relationships? After all, Kagami will likely accept nothing less than Adrien’s best, but Chat Noir struggles with fighting Ladybug (Gamer 2.0). Will he struggle fighting with Kagami or will he fight harder, as that’s a way for them to bond?

8. Kagami likes to encourage Adrien’s more impulsive, selfish side. How will that change Adrien? How will Kagami react upon seeing his darker traits like his jealousy and pettiness? Will she be pleased or realize that the Adrien isn’t who she thought he was?

9. It’s strongly implied that Gabriel and Tomoe want Adrien and Kagami to be together. What if their relationship is akin to an arranged marriage? What happens if the two find out? Will it hurt the relationship? Will they both have the same struggles with that information or will one of them take it harder than the other? And if they don’t care, will people around them care if they find out?

10. Relating to the arranged marriage idea above, if both Kagami and Adrien are senti-monsters, will that lead to them questioning whether or not their love is real? Will that matter to them? Will they break up over it, or decide regardless of if it’s their choice, they still love each other, and they want to stay together? How will anyone else around them react? 

11. Both Kagami and Adrien are weathy, upperclass kids who aer taught really bad habits by their parent. What will they struggle with? Are they the same things? If they become independent, are there any skills their parent didn’t teach them that they struggle with?

12. If Tomoe lost her sight to a genetic issue and Kagami is human, how will she and Adrien handle her upcoming blindness? It isn’t Adrien’s first go round with a disability, what with his mom and all, but I doubt he’ll be keenly aware of every accommodation and mess up somewhere. Will Kagami appreciate his relaxed demeanor about it, and if she does, will that make her more easily overlook his mistake or cause her feelings of betrayal to sting worse?

13. If both Kagami and Adrien are senti-monsters, what about children? If two sentimonsters make a baby, will it too be a senti-monster? If it is, what about it’s amok? Or will it be human? Will they be able to concieve at all? What will Adrien and Kagami’s concerns about the baby be? What do they think will happen about pregnancy? If they think they can’t concieve, will they use protection? If they think the baby will be a senti-monster, will they avoid it? Will they adopt to raise a baby?

#miraculous ladybug #miraculous lb #writing ideas #writing prompt #post relationship #adrigami #relationship ideas

[kukuandkookie]

Might copy and paste the text here later from my Twitter thread where I expressed why I enjoyed it, but I recently read My Little Poplar and ended up liking Bai Xinyu and Yu Fengcheng quite a bit!

Yu Fengcheng’s eventual regret was honestly written really well, and the relationship between the two leads has good chemistry. 👌

Even better is that it features Jian Suiying, who I also have gotten weirdly attached to???

Like objectively the book Jian Suiying comes from, In Love With an Idiot, has its flaws. Or rather, it employs tropes that really aren’t for everyone, which includes the main couple fighting constantly (so it’s basically fighting and then fucking and then fighting and then fucking and you get the idea), and it gets kind of overdramatic at times, as some very angsty-type stories can be—whether they’re from China (known as “dog blood” stories) or not.

I even found it a little silly that so many were so obsessed with Jian Suiying, and yet…

Here I am now, sliiiightly obsessed with him. 🤡😂

It’s just that! As I mentioned on my Twitter, he’s so unique for a shou/bottom/uke character!! Before he met Li Yu, he was always the top, and he’s sexually confident and pretty intelligent and ruthless and…well, temperamental. He does admittedly have a charm to him that works and I find it pretty amazing the author managed to predict that, since so many characters in her novels adore him BDMGIHSKD.

Even his red flags give him charm, because while he is problematic, the red flags make him an intriguing character. The author does a pretty good job at balancing the different aspects of him that make him technically infuriating and yet also compelling.

His charm is further boosted by the fact there’s actually a clip of one of his VAs just trying to cheer you up if you’re sad?? Like hello??? 🥺

It is no longer a surprise to me that Li Yu ended up so obsessed with Jian Suiying. 😆

Also I’ll note now the last image is actually by the My Little Poplar manhua artist while the others are from the manhua adaptation of Jian Suiying’s own novel! I like how the manhua artist draws him quite a bit since it feels so him. I’ve seen fan art and they sometimes feature him smaller and thus not domineering enough, even though they usually show him with the same hairstyle—which makes for a fun tangent on its own since danmei designs can be a bit “basic,” so when one specific design becomes a recognizable look for a character, I find it pretty cool.

In fact, one of my favourite details in My Little Poplar was watching Yu Fengcheng be very frustrated with how much Bai Xinyu looked up to Jian Suiying. 🤭

Also just seeing him show up always made me go “yay!” because it’s so fun getting to see him again, especially as part of his story aligns with My Little Poplar (as in the plots of both novels happen somewhat concurrently).

Similarly, the manhua adaptation, My Beloved Fool, has a really nice art style and I really like that the artist always lets Jian Suiying shine by really dressing him up. He and Shi Qi from Trap a Vicious Dog (another series I want to ramble about on why I’m enjoying it so far) are two manhua protagonists I know of who are like…confident smart corporate bosses that get stylish fits almost every manhua chapter, which is a nice detail ahaha.

My Beloved Fool has recently hit the heavy angst section of the novel so it’ll be depressing to follow for a while since you’ll just watch Li Yu fall apart as Jian Suiying suffers absolute hell. 😔

Someone even uploaded the first season of the vomic version of the manhua on YouTube. 👀

Similarly, I’m really excited for the My Little Poplar manhua to get to all the good bits of the story there, since Bai Xinyu develops a lot as a character and I find Yu Fengcheng’s regret especially well done. But evidently it’ll take quite some time to get there; first we have to get past the military bullying alfndkfjjss.

Anyway the actual reason I started typing this out before I spiralled into another huge ramble asjakfl is that I found In Love With an Idiot and My Little Poplar audio dramas on YouTube!!

I’d heard some In Love With an Idiot audio clips from something that some fans had shared to YouTube before, but it sounds like those clips were from a completely different audio drama than the one I landed on. I’m especially excited about the My Little Poplar one. Even if it’s not extremely high quality (I think Bing Xing Xia Deng aka Inferior by Nature aka The Selfish Gene has admittedly spoiled me because it was so high quality 😆), it’s still fun hearing these characters come to life aurally.

Even more so since iirc I saw a Twitter post saying the My Little Poplar and In Love With an Idiot got taken down officially, so they may only be accessible via online reuploads right now. I can’t find the post to confirm, but if true, I’m glad someone preserved them. 🙏

Update: I did find the other version’s VAs of the In Love With an Idiot audio drama! Except it’s maybe a…sequel? Where a Li Yu of the past transmigrates 5 years into the future when Li Yu and Jian Suiying are a couple?? It’s on MaoEr FM…and it’s for free. 👁️

In fact, I could totally ramble about the Bing Xing Xia Deng audio drama—which I already have for a friend, so I can just copy and paste that long-ass (slightly more incoherent because it’s a lot of fangirling) wall of text here haha. I am currently very obsessed with that series too because it really is high quality and I like how it evolved the novel it’s adapting, but my friend is the expert on it so I feel a bit more shy about sharing my thoughts sometimes.

Welp that went on quite a number of tangents but yeah. I’ve enjoyed these novels and I’m very happy they got audio dramas and that they are still out there to be enjoyed after everything. 🥺💕

OH and final note but…the fun fact about the 188男团 aka 188 Group, which is the overall series Jian Suiying and Bai Xinyu belong to (so-called because it’s 10 novels that share a universe and all feature (scum) gongs of 188 cm) got sort of made into an “actual” 男团, aka a boy band/group! I found the couple (?) songs they released and some fan songs and it’s nice seeing them all “singing” together alfjskfjs.

An English translation can be found here!

An English translation can be found here!

Me when I spy Jian Suiying, Li Yu, Yu Fengcheng, and Bai Xinyu especially in the MVs: 🥺

#danmei #188男团 #188 group #manhua #kuku rambles #long post #my little poplar #小白杨 #你却爱一个他 #你却爱一个傻逼 #你却爱一个sb #in love with an idiot #my beloved fool #trap a vicious dog #诱捕恶犬 #秉性下等 #bing xing xia deng #inferior by nature #the selfish gene #Youtube

[vaicomcas]

On Bitterness

cw: very long and cringey self-reflection of an unrepentant, dean critical, spn critical bitter Cas fan. It's actually kind of funny how melodramatic I am.

I once read a post that said, if you hate the show so much, why are you on tumblr writing post after post about it, go away leave us who love it alone. Or, the very fact that you keep going on is the validation of how great the show is. Or, that's a miserable way to engage with media. Or, please only focus on what you like rather than what you hate and "make the fandom better ". Or, do you even know how to consume media, just ignore what you dislike. I see this type of post periodically. I follow few active blogs so I'm sure I only see a fraction of them.

Some of it seems fair enough. To say "I hate the show so much" is an oversimplification because I am obviously consumed by my love for Castiel, and the show created Castiel. Also a lot of the ideas/writing/visuals are brilliant (although quite a lot not so much--but of course, it's easy to criticize and hard to create something that went on for so long). Lots of amazing actors of course. The skills and quality are of course there. But does that validate the show? I say no.

I honestly hate a lot of the overall narrative and underlying values of the show. And I have come to hate the Winchesters, espeically Dean, because of the type of men they stand for--reflecting my own experience and bias, no doubt. Just like how anybody "consumes media": from their own perspective.

I am not looking for reassurance or validation. I don't accept it when I read that people like me are consuming or engaging with media wrong. I don't make any personal criticism of writers or producers (I try not to even know who they are most of the time, though it's impossible). I don't go out of my way to argue with or upset people I disagree with. I tag myself clearly and people can block me. I paid for my DVDs. Within these confines of what my conscience requires, I can consume media however I want. So what if what I share on tumblr is not "positive". I read rage-filled posts about Cas from 2, 4, 7 or more years ago from bitter Cas fans who came before me, and these posts are what I came to the internet for: they made me feel less alone. Yet, there are simply not enough of them. I post to let my own rage out, and to add to this particular voice so others like me can also find it and feel less alone.

I do ask myself all the time: why don't I just let the bitterness go for my own mental health? Like they say condescendingly, "it's a miserable way to engage with media". (what a loser you are is what this means.) They say to be bitter is like drinking poison in order to kill your enemy. I don't dispute that. Yeah it is miserable. Yeah it's truly not healthy. Yeah it infects my outlook in real life too. Can't I just focus on the positive like so many people seem to be able to do? Isn't there so much, so much positive about Castiel?

I can't. Being miserable is the only way for me to love Cas. Only in the first two seasons was he genuinely celebrated (to a degree and not nearly enough), followed by relentless reduction and sidelining of him. I should clarify: it's not his suffering and his pain in the plot per se that depresses and angers me. It's the slander, the subjugation, and the enslavement of his brilliance to serve the main characters who can't hold a candle to him. My kind of love for Castiel means that it would be an insult to not feel sad and outraged about him. There is not even a grain of "positivity" in that show that is uncontaminated with the injustice done to his character. As far as I am concerned, nobody on earth deserves to be happy because of what was done to Castiel, because it could never be undone. (this is hyperbole, of course. I don't actually want to make other people unhappy unless they want company in misery. That's why I put heavy warning on the bitterest of my posts.)

I'm aware of how melodramatic I am about a TV show character. I am aware all of it is written to elicit reactions, all of it is artifice, and I am picking and choosing what I love and hate about it. I am aware there are real social injustices that deserve my outrage a lot more. The thing is I have never cared about fictional characters. It is unfathomable why I chose this sickness of taking Castiel seriously, as real flesh and blood and grace and spirit being in a half-real half-fake universe. If I allow myself to be objective, if I allow myself to acknowledge that he is not real (rather, just the sum of a series of often inconsistent writing and production decisions by a large heterogeneous mixture of people) in order to get away from the misery, I would then also have no reason to care about him at all. And that's unacceptable, at least for now. I dread the day, possibly not far away now, when I will wake up from this dream.

Back to part of why I keep thinking and writing about the show when I am so bitter about it. Something occurred to me. The show didn't just create Castiel out of thin air. The show's underlying universe came from the wellspring of the Abrahamic religions and related lore and a lot of the characters/stories are taken directly from the bible. Yet, it made God and its world order, including heaven and angels, corrupt and evil and ultimately vanquished.

I am not criticizing the show about making God evil. But If the show gets to trash its source material, in fact subverting its source material being the cornerstone of the show, then why can't I?

I am "canon parallel".

#castiel #anti dean winchester #dean critical #bitter cas fan #spn critical #anti winchesters #my ramblings #my insanity #my castiel manifesto

[magpies4nights]

huh (Dev log # I'M ON 4?!!?!?!)

Hi guys! It’s me, @magpies4days on a different blog! That’s really the only promise I kept. Whoops. That’s why I don’t do promises. Anyways, since the last time I updated y'all, I passed all my finals and everything that was important. Yep, I passed my finals, which seems miraculous, because I accidentally studied the wrong study guide for my history exam and didn't really sleep enough the night before, and I got a 90 on it, which I'll be honest, that was the lowest grade I've ever gotten on a test in that class, but it's still an A so I won't cry about it. I turned in a really shitty essay too for one of my classes, but it seems that my professor didn’t actually read it because she gave me a 100 (ain’t gonna complain about that). I also procrastinated so hard on my graphic design final that I did it in like 3 hours and finished it 2 minutes before it was late. I still turned it in 5 minutes late because my computer decided it was funny to start acting up. Oh well, I passed that class, even for honor's standards. Normally I would be happy getting a B because I'd get a C and still celebrate but unfortunately I slayed too hard that my GPA was the minimum requirement for the Honor's organization to notice me. That's the Thinker in my Myers Briggs type showing baybee (JK JK I'm an INFP (unfortunately.)). Anyways, I’m on my winter break, and as much as I love getting breaks, god I forgot how much I hate summer and winter breaks. Summer breaks make me depressed because I have nothing to do, and winter breaks make me depressed because it’s literally the worst season of the year (cold weather (I have cold urticaria), dry air, less sun, the position of the sun is weird, and d3 barely does anything).

Anyways, onto the actual dev stuff. I probably should’ve figured this out the moment I started my idea, but I found out that to export my game to Mac, I’d have to have a developer id and pay for it. Which now I understand why most indie devs never upload to Mac. Oh well. (Fun fact: Mac actually has a feature called BootCamp which lets you portion your hard drive to allow you to have a Windows driver (Be wise on your portioning though because it’s permanent). I found this out when I was 16 and trying to download Pizza Tower demos. Totally not saying that so you could play it on your “Mac,” *wink wink*).

I had to switch my dialog stuff from a script I found on the internet, to an add-on that most Godot devs use ( Dialogic). I know. I am awful. However, there is a reason to this, and it’s entirely because I am an idiot. I have experimented with how Godot exports JSONs, and as it turns out, the images nor the audio would load! The text would, but it’s just not the same, especially when the dialog box is supposed to change with the character speaking. While it could be something in my code that is causing this to happen, or I'm forgetting to export something else while checking off all the boxes, it still gives me a headache and I decided it was for the best to switch. I may not be able to code for now, but there may be a day when I can. Hopefully. I had to change the layout of the dialog stuff because Dialogic kinda makes it like a visual novel kinda thing. I decided to torture myself and make everyone have different heights. Don't worry, everyone has relatively normal heights. Except for mayyybe Sleepy Weepy. They're like 6'2 (which may mean there's some cutoff for their sprites).

Aaaaanyways, enough about me suffering about dialog again. I’ve been working on the beginning and ending cutscene so that I can first torture everyone with 5 minutes of dialog in the beginning and then at the end music with text that may give people a hard time reading the lyrics. The animation isn’t done, but the text kinda is??? I’ll have to revise it like I have the past 56 times because my future self is hard to please, and I think everyone is out of character except Xandra.

Yeahhh, that’s about it so far. I made new music while I was being harassed with finals. Take a gander, but with your ears. Or don't, forcing you is unethical.

Top 10 Sleepy Weepy of all time!!!!! (This is doesn't even make it in the honorable mentions)

#gasa4 #fan game #fan made music #gasa4sc #gasa4 snackcore #gasa4 sleepy weepy #Scaperat

[lesbianslovebts]

I am trying my damned hardest to cope right now, but I have to get some anger out first. I hate being disabled. I hate living in a house full of disabled people. I hate surviving instead of living.

I am autistic. I have anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I am an abuse survivor. Trying over 5 different antidepressants and going on birth control for menorrhagia and dysmenorrhea made me gain over 100 pounds between ages 12 and 15. I am immunocompromised. I get a sinus infection that lasts for 4-8 weeks every year. When I was younger, I had bone removed from my face because of chronic sinusitis. They had to put me on one antibiotic after another as a kid. The pediatric ones stopped working, so I ended up on adult antibiotics despite the risk for joint damage. I even had a PICC line put in when I was 8 to pump antibiotics right into my heart. I've had multiple cauterizations to stop severe nosebleeds. One time, the bleeding was so bad that trying to stop it from coming out my nose made it come out my mouth and eyes instead, and my eardrums almost ruptured. When I had Covid-19 in 2021, it lasted for 3 months. I developed seasonal allergies just this year. I have chronic migraine, which at this point is more than half the days in a week. I have GERD and IBS. Insomnia, sleep apnea, and restless leg syndrome. I no longer have tonsils, adenoids, or a gallbladder. I have chronic muscle pain.

My gramma has lived with us since I was 5. She smoked for 50 years and has had a heart attack, strokes, triple bypass surgery, stents, blood transfusions, aneurysm, COPD, staph infections, inch-deep craters in her leg, sepsis, amputation, type 2 diabetes, no teeth, celiac disease, glaucoma, sleep apnea, and countless episodes of heart failure and fluid in her lungs. We think dementia is coming next. She almost burned the house down a while back. Not to mention anxiety, depression, obsessions, and so on.

My mom has chronic vestibular migraine, narcolepsy, sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome, anxiety, depression, type 2 diabetes, arthritis, IBS, GERD, and recently started bleeding out her ass, which could be simple hemorrhoids or colon cancer. 🙃

My dad was an abusive alcoholic, so I cut him off. He is autistic and has Dupuytren's contracture so severe that he can't open his hands and can barely use his thumbs and index fingers, horrible allergies, PTSD, anxiety, depression, and addiction, obviously.

My brother is a type 1 diabetic with a phobia of low blood sugars, which means he purposefully avoided taking the appropriate amount of insulin since he was a teenager. Combined with a diabetic-specific eating disorder, his A1C has been regularly over twice what it should be for over a decade, which has led to the following: diabetic retinopathy and cataracts, complete kidney failure (on dialysis), neuropathy in his legs and feet, no teeth, chronic pain, chronic fluid buildup, and malnutrition. Not to mention Dupuytren's contracture, ADHD, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and addiction.

And it may be silly to count my pets in with the people, but my dog and two cats are all 17. I've had them since I was 10. The dog has a severe heart murmur, is deaf, and takes several meds, but she's still happy, does brief zoomies once a day after a good shit, and lives to eat. Both cats are arthritic, which is to be expected of such old ladies. One has a sore on her chin that won't heal, and I'm about to spend $1k on her to see if it's solvable or time to make decisions. 🙃

Every single one of us in this house, animals included, are disabled. My mom and I worked so hard to make this a safe, clean space for us after moving out of the filthy, broken house we were in for 15 years, where we all suffered trauma. But ever since my mom let my brother move in due to his health issues, the house has gone to shit. I am the only one who cleans, and I just can't keep up with it. The only safe, clean space for me is my own room, where I imprison myself to survive.

All this, and I still haven't committed suicide because I am dying to live a better life. I have worked too fucking hard to get here. I remind myself of this, of the progress I've made, of my accomplishments, of what I want to see and learn and do, of what and whom I love. But Dear God, I am praying for a break, for some rest, for some peace, for all of us.

#personal vent post with numerous triggers #feel free to skip right over #this is basically a diary entry #i disabled reblogs but words of encouragement are welcomed :') #llbtspost

[teapixie]

it’s times like this when my depression is simultaneously suffocating me and feeling like the only companion I have that I really wish I was religious, or even spiritual. I am so incredibly alone and it kind of feels like parts of who I am are starting to die. I don’t remember how to converse with those I don’t know, therefore I don’t know how or where I could meet someone and become their friend. I look around me and see so, so many of those that I know traveling the world with their best friends, having new exciting experiences, and landing their dream jobs or at least jumpstarting their careers. I feel millions of miles away. Beyond yearning for the types of friendships and experiences I’m constantly observing all around me, I envy most those who can get through difficult seasons of life like the one I’m in by relying on their faith in something bigger and greater who loves them undeniably. I could really use some unconditional love these days. My partner is the only person I know or have a connection with in this place that is thousands of miles from my home of origin; I love and care for him deeply, but it’s almost impossible to sustain a healthy, passionate connection when he’s even more depressed than I am. For about two months I’ve done everything I can to hold on tight to my sanity in order to wear my happiest, warmest face and act as caregiver, but it’s starting to slip now that the darkness is coming for me too. I sincerely desire above all things to have the ability to put my faith and trust in something bigger than my own mind, to feel universally protected, to feel cared for, to feel like there’s a point to all of this suffering. anyways, that’s June gloom for ya i guess.

#personal #june of jewels #yearning

[mineofilms]

Medical Update Fall 2023

As most of you know, I am sick… I have been sick for the better part of a decade now. I suspect my diabetic state started in the spring of 2012, I embarked on a journey, albeit an involuntary one, into the mysterious realm of diabetes. Little did I know that this path would be riddled with bizarre encounters that would rival a Greek tragedy. The only tragedy here is my life. The only one hurting here is myself. The people around me continue to suffer. I wasn’t officially diagnosed till summer of 2014 and almost right away my condition broke all the rules of a typical type II diabetic case. Everyone is now an expert on diabetes, how it works and how it “allegedly,” can be reversed. I believe unresolved extreme depression in my youth, that I ignored, and was also ignored by adults that would observe my erratic, sometimes insane, behaviors, contributed to my drinking habits becoming more intensive over the 2000s through the last decade. My father, who is a Vietnam Vet, was exposed to Agent Orange when he served, that has caused many of his ongoing health issues. I, being the first born of four boys, have the most physical, medical, mental health challenges in the family. Along with large amounts of stress in the workplace(s) over the years, I believe this had much to do with me becoming diabetic. I do not believe this was “just” habits. I believe all of which I just stated equally contributed to the condition. I also believe these same mental health issues caused me to ignore these issues as they crept up over the decades.

The summer of 2014, a season marked not by sunshine and leisure beach days, but by my official diagnosis with Type II Diabetes, as my eyes were being aggressively attacked by cataract in both eyes, simultaneously. As my left eye began its cataract performance in July 2014, I couldn't help but think, "Why should it have all the fun?" One day in October 2014 my right eye decided to join the party. It started mid-afternoon and by nightfall, it was a full house, and I found myself enjoying a riveting 90% blindness experience in my right eye. Quite the spectacle, indeed. I am not even sure how I was able to drive home like this. I was treated to double cataract surgery later in the month, and I began to notice the birth of denial issues. Denial is a peculiar companion, isn't it? A few more treatments, some ER visits, and an unexpected DUI later, I was spiraling down a rabbit hole that showed no signs of slowing.

They say truth is stranger than fiction, and in my case, its stranger than the upside-down dimension of “Stranger Things.” My personality became very difficult to deal with during this time, even worse now. I became way more confrontational with people, in general, especially those in the workplace and more withdrawn with people that were close to me. From 2005 to present I have probably had about 30-35 jobs that I was either terminated from or walk out of. Outside of three weeks in November of 2019. I have not worked a job on the books since November 2017. In July 2017, my debut as a “cellulitis connoisseur,” specializing in right middle finger infections. There goes my “go-to butt-holing finger,” I say to myself. The inside of my finger tip was surgically removed, as my blood sugar frolicked in the 500+ range. My reward for this adventure? Eight luxurious days in Sarasota’s finest ICU, replete with liquid IV antibiotics. It's almost as if they knew I needed a vacation. At least the food was amazing. No, seriously… The food at Sarasota Memorial is better than most of the restaurants in the area. I’d take a girl to the hospital cafeteria for a date before I take her to P.F. Sucks.

In September 2017, a torn L4 in my lower back. It hurt, especially when I dared to stand upright for more than a few hours. The cool kids may have partied through the night, but my nights were filled with discomfort as I struggled to find the perfect sleep position. October 2018, a time when my face decided to sprout a skin boil. A trip to the local clinic gifted me an antibiotic, and within days, it vanished like a female sex addict at an ED anonymous meeting. Super Bowl Sunday of 2020’s treat, cellulitis in my left eye, no treatment available to unemployed assclowns who think toughing everything out like a Rocky movie montage should be normal for anyone. Who needs a halftime show when you have your eye acting up? And oh, the blurry vision, a recurring guest in my line of sight. As the world descended into quarantine-madness, then gender madness now Jewish/Muslim madness, I consoled myself with heavier, three-day weekend drinking. My personal remedy for the absurdity that was 2020. Then, on a seemingly innocuous day in June 2020, I embarked on a stranger-danger date with Covid-19 at a beachside bar/restaurant in St. Pete meeting some girl for the first time I no longer talk to. A tequila shot, the harbinger of a migraine headache to try and make this seem like a good idea at the time. With a stroke of luck, I was graced with mono-like symptoms and embarked on a rollercoaster ride of wellness and illness that was Covid-19, which then turned to ketoacidosis and pancreatitis.

I have yet to fully recover from this 1,151 days later and counting…

Alcohol Intake was rather high starting in February 2020 due to the quarantine already. I have not had a drink since that day. I have sworn off Alcohol for life. Diabetic Ketoacidosis and Pancreatitis is a reminder of a symphony of sickness, weakness, and a relentless dance between my digestive system, gravity itself and death if not treated right away. I waited six days... Not even the bravest of souls would dare to eat or drink when everything returned as bile, blood and partially digested pancreas within the hour. July 11th, 2020, marked a visit to the ER. With Covid-19 as my not-so-welcome companion, I spent 36 hours in the ICU. Morphine ensured that I had no recollection of this enchanting stay, but it left me with a positive test for Covid-19. It was the Liver-Pancreas Shutdown Spectacular – a show I didn't even know I had VIP tickets for.

Come July 15th 2020, I was set free, proving that even the most peculiar of odysseys have a pause button. Pause is subjective… A brief intermission before Macular Edema decided to join the ensemble, debuting in both my eyes on July 18th 2020. The drama continued with eye doctor appointments, blurred vision, erratic heart rate and a spectacle fit for a thriller. By August 14th 2020, I dared to venture out into the world after months of seclusion. It wasn't without its challenges; anxiety clung to me like a shadow, and the weight on my chest was a constant reminder of the strangeness of human interaction. My chest felt like a pressure cooker about to burst. September 2020 was a month when I had the pleasure of being denied the SSI benefits that I not only need but absolutely qualify for. My lawyers took it upon themselves to embark on an appeals journey that promised more excitement than I had bargained for. I am still in appeals now 1,100+ days later.

I now have rather high anxiety that began sometime in 2015-2016. It is a complete polar opposite of who I used to be before this all started. In March 2016 ED (Erectile Dysfunction) began to rear its debilitating appearance. I have not just had to deal with the physical effects of ED this whole time but the mental and emotional issues as well. I feel this has hit me harder than the physical parts. I would have considered myself a hypersexual personality, nice way of saying sex addict. I will keep the specifics of those exploits to a minimum till I can figure out how to make money off those, ha… To go from “that” to nothing in such a short time really catapulted my anxiety and depression. Which in turn drove me to drink more from 2016-2020, which contributed to this whole mess. I am also dealing with extreme fatigue since I feel I originally caught Covid-19 and in nearly a constant state of physical pain in the form of extreme muscle aches. I am experiencing pain near 5-6 on the 10-scale almost 24/7. I am also experiencing issues in the heat when I go outside. I can only be outside for a few minutes before I feel sick. I can be out there when it is hot, but I tend to fatigue very quickly, and am sort of weak when out in the extreme humidity of SWFL. I still take strolls in the nature trails by my house five days a week.

December 2021 came with its own package of surprises, as I decided to halt treatments on my eyes at Retina Associates of Sarasota. It turns out I didn't have the insurance for laser surgery, a small detail that seemed to have escaped their notice. In 2022, Hurricane IAN decided to add its unique chapter to my saga, bringing heavy damage to my house which has yet to be paid out by the insurance company for repairs to the house. We are talking over a year with no pool cage. Warped doors, drywall damage, damaged floor tile, the pool tile is bubbling up on the deck as well. It’s a shitshow of damages that the insurance company wants NO accountability for but they want their monies every month or they will drop us. It’s a goddamn clown-show of poop… Just another day in the life of a medically sick, mental-health crackpot thrill-seeker, I suppose.

A second helping of denial came around the corner to my life in and around November 2022, The SSI appeal, a never-ending quest, proved elusive yet again. May 2023, I waded into the realm of diabetes treatments with Virginia B Andes. With a dash of irony, June 2023 welcomed the flu into my life, and I found myself on the brink of another ER visit due to my stubborn inability to recover. June and July 2023 became a blur of sickness and health, interspersed with ten days of respite. Mid-July 2023 I decided to take charge of my medication, straying from the beaten path of standard treatment. I've never been one for conformity, and my body has made that abundantly clear. With meticulous record-keeping of my blood sugar, insulin doses, and other metrics, I presented a case against metformin, which not only failed to tame my sugars but left my stomach and digestion in turmoil. Right now my digestive issues seem to be what stand out the most on my day to day issues. They are quite extreme. The constant pain I get in all my joints and muscles. The stiffness. I spend more time stretching out than I do actually training my body. If I didn’t train I feel my condition would be worse for both my physical health and my mental health. My experimentation with regular insulin led to sporadic sugar crashes, a thrilling rollercoaster ride. One literally feels their perception leaving the body. Things like sight turn to tunnel vision and seem distant. The ability to think gets super scattered and cannot even remember basic things like age/weight/sex. A brief stint with 70/30 insulin emerged as the unlikely wannabe hero, providing some better stability. September 2023, Happy 45th birthday to me and I found myself marveling at the subtle changes in my eye power (again). Perhaps a visit to the eye doctor was in order, as the nearest treatment was a distant trek to Bonita Springs, which is anywhere between 90-120-minute drive; an adventure I am not willing to venture in.

October 2023 brought with it a new challenge - the need to convey my peculiar case to the higher-ups at Virginia B Andes. My goal? To secure a semblance of stability and a well-thought-out plan to navigate around this medical labyrinth. Right now I have a candle and I need a mag light… Simultaneously, I began re-seeking help for my mental health, an issue that had been overshadowed by the medical circus. This one subject should be a blog on its own and I feel I will write one. The short version is I had an amazing therapist who truly understood my quirks than any woman I ever dated or was with. Sadly she unexpectedly passed away. She was young, healthy, vibrant, and was the most important female in my reality besides my mother for nearly two years. I have yet to really hash this out properly. I have yet to mourn her passing. Too much happening around me that literally made me not think of it and that in and of it itself is terrible. Empathy is something I struggle with, heavily since I became ill over a decade ago. I get sicker, the more my quality of life shrinks, the less space in my soul exists for such things as empathy…

In the realm of analyzing the data that comes across my perception. I've come to my own conclusions about my condition(s). A history of unresolved depression, coupled with the chaotic dance of alcohol, stress, genetic deposition of what my father was exposed to, me being the first born, and perhaps sheer bad luck, led me to the doorstep of diabetes. This journey transformed me from an affable soul into a confrontational, withdrawn figure, navigating a sea of instability with employment, love, being a mature adult. I waved goodbye to my job market presence in 2017, save for a three-week stint in 2019. A sudden increase in alcohol consumption during the quarantine heightened my anxiety, propelling me to change into a polar opposite of my former self. My already borderline-mental health issues. The extreme complications I have had with my diabetic state over others that have to deal with it and the specter of erectile dysfunction became my companions, wreaking havoc on my mental and emotional well-being. In the vast landscape of my current medical issues, I find myself engulfed in a never-ending battle with Type II Diabetes, retinopathy, diabetic ketoacidosis, pancreatitis, neuropathy, PTSD, bipolar disorder, and the silent agony of erectile dysfunction. Gastroparesis has thrown digestion into disarray, leaving behind a messy trail of stomach pains and a self-consciousness I never wanted to be or have to begin with. Finally, let's not forget the chronophobia or the fear/anxiety of the passage of time and never feeling like I have enough of it – an affliction that gnaws at my sanity with the relentless march of time, casting a perpetual shadow of dread over my existence.

—I Go Through This Every Day—

My cocktails of various medications, that seem to not work how they are supposed or at least get minimal effects of that could rival the most complex mixology of drinks at your, local, now closed for good, TGI Friday’s. We have the dynamic duo of 70/30 and long-lasting insulin, along with a hint of Lisinopril and a sprinkle of Amlodipine. Not to forget the Polyethylene Glycol, a singer that never quite matches up with the lip-sync on the stage. My supplement list includes Omega-Three Fish Oil, Vitamin D, and Probiotics, all served in generous helpings. A nightly dose of Melatonin and sound-frequency therapy ensures that my dreams are as complex and either relatable or unreliable as my medical journey has been. Should be noted that I informed ALL Doctors for over a decade now, not to treat me like “a typical type-II diabetic” case. That ALL treatments that are typical or standard would be ineffective. Late July 2023, I brought in my data that I keep for my numbers. I record my blood sugar, the type and amount of insulin I take, the date/time I do this. I do this for each meal. I also take my weight, fasted in the A.M. and my Sys/Dia/PR, along with the time I do that. I take and log this data into a spreadsheet three to four times a day. I was able to show that metformin does nothing for me and destroys my stomach, which I already suffer from Gastroparesis, which is still very persistent and we are not even sure if this is that or something else. I have never gotten a solid diagnosis. I was able to show that taking regular insulin tend to put me in hypo (extremely low blood sugar). The only thing at this point that has shown to control my blood sugar numbers is taking a light dose of 70/30 with each meal. A shot of Long Lasting insulin from 10-15 units, once in the AM and once at night around the bedtime hour. This has also caused hypo, but far less frequent and usually happens if I eat a really small meal that is on the extremely low end on the carb scale. If I eat normal I am fine, but there are those times when I get mentally overwhelmed and do not eat enough to justify the amount of insulin I just took. I intended to eat more or a bigger carb meal but would lose my thoughts, get overwhelmed, frustrated and eat small, only to have to eat something I shouldn’t later to get my sugars back up. I probably need a pump but I cannot handle having that on/in my body at all times. I just can’t do it.

Since the beginning I have never been able to get my blood sugars under control with standardized medicines for the treatment of Type II diabetes. Curving my diet works, some, but it is not something I can do under my current living situation on a regular basis. We tried all the standard or typical treatments for people showing the symptoms I show. What tends to be most people does not apply to me. I have the data to show this. Metformin didn’t work in 2014. Granted we can argue that my drinking could have been at play there, but we later, again, tried this treatment in 2022 after I have already been sober for 2 years. We had different direct results but the same result as it did nothing to regulate my blood sugar. All we found out was metformin makes me sick. If I mix it with drinking I get sleep paralysis and I being “taken” by shadow people. So, yeah, hard pass on that one… Where most Type II diabetics float around the low 200s I was in the three and four hundreds. All it did was further agitate my digestive system. That seems to be getting worse by the month. We then tried regular insulin and my sugars would crash around that 3-times a week mark. We shifted the insulin to 70/30 and that worked a little but only if I took it with all meals or any time I sat down to eat. If that was twice, three or four times a day. That is when I would need to dose up.

May to June of 2023; the Doctor puts me on one dose of Long Lasting insulin followed by regular insulin with each meal and metformin. I went back to crashing out my sugars again now with additional stomach issues. I spent nearly all of June and July of 2023 sick. During this time I wasn’t eating a lot, so I would not take my meds if I was not eating. I noticed some of the symptoms were relieving themselves. I then started subtracting medicines. I went back on the 70/30 taking it with all meals and decided to split up the long lasting insulin shot to see if it would curve down these sugar spikes. The attempt here is take those sharp spikes and try to make them more like hills than drastic sharp points. After I did this I started noticing my numbers leveling off to more consistent normal numbers. I started feeling better. I started feeling better enough to join a gym. I still have extreme stomach issues. However, taking the meds for that like how I am doing it the symptoms are not as bad. They are still severe, painful, messy and a bother; but it is no longer nearing the levels of discomfort as I had before where I was about to go to the ER again. I am not saying I am doing better. I’d say I am doing “less worse” than I was in say June and July of 2023. When I am having issues I am still fairly useless, in extreme discomfort and the mess it makes in the bathroom is disheartening. I know we are limited at what sort of treatment I can get through my current medical accessibility. I am grateful for what Virginia B Andes all do for me. I just wish my SSI (Supplemental Security Income) would go through so that I can get a better stability and understanding on what it is that is actually happening to me here. I feel like something else is at play here that NO ONE has been able to figure out. In EVERY instance I have to argue with medical people about the most typical answer here, the one that ALL medical people seem to keep projecting onto me, is indeed, the wrong one… I have no expectations that I will convey this to anyone that can actually look into this at the level it needs to be looked at while my SSI case is in appeals for the third or fourth time now. This isn’t your problem or even your fight. It’s mine and I have accepted that –that is how this stuff is done. I just try to maneuver around the red tape and do what I can do for myself with the very limited resources that are displayed to me. Does this make me sometimes difficult to be around and/or operate around? Absolutely it does. I am working very hard on myself, pretty much by myself. I am still trying to get a new therapist. I need more things to happen faster but I cannot make broken fixed just because I want that to happen. I can only steer the ship for so long before it requires others to keep the boat afloat.

In closing, my medical saga has been nothing short of bewildering. Standard treatments have proven futile, and my quest for stability remains elusive. The medical world sees me as a typical Type II Diabetes case, but I stand as an exception, a conundrum, defying all attempts at categorization. My journey continues, with red tape and uncertainty as my companions. If, by some miraculous chance this enigma may have an end other than a day of remembrance of my days of life at the beach, where all my friends, and peers say goodbye to me. FUCK… I so do not wanna be “that guy.” I have no thirst to be there, like that. For now, I continue to soldier on, the captain of my ship through the turbulent seas of my health.

Brace the sails and laugh in the face of the storm, for behind those clouds, the sun awaits our triumphant return… (Air guitar solo.)

Medical Update Fall 2023 by David-Angelo Mineo 11/9/2023 3,916 Words

Medical Timeline Since 2012 (Suspected Beginning of My Type II Diabetes)

2012-2019

• Spring 2012 - Believed Start of my Diabetic State.

• July 2014 - Diagnosed with Type II Diabetes after going to North Port ER. Blood Sugar 500+. I was put on metformin and within a week I was getting sleep paralysis about 3x a week. That is when I started on insulin. I was still drinking alcohol during this time and I suspect the sleep paralysis came from the mixing of the meds and drinking.

• July 2014 - Cataract begins to form in my left eye.

• September 2014 - Left Eye is completely covered in cataract.

• October 2014 - One day around 3pm Cataract begins to form in my right eye. Around the 7pm hour that same day my right eye now was completely covered in cataract, which left me at about 90% blind.

• November 2014 - I have double cataract surgery.

• September 2015 - Denial issues start to form.

• November 2015 - I have double YAG Treatment. Standard Follow-up procedure for Cataract Surgery.

• June 2016 - DUI. I had not yet heeded my original diagnosis to stop drinking. Blood Sugar at the Jail over 500+.

• July 2017 - Cellulitis in my right middle finger. A large section of the infection, which was the inside of the tip of my right middle finger was cut out. Blood Sugar in the ER was 500+. I was in ICU for 8 days hooked up to liquid IV antibiotics.

• September 2017 - L4 tear in my lower back. Hurts a lot if I stand for too long, measured in hours. Most of the time I am fine but at night when I try to sleep it is hard to stay comfortable. I can no longer sleep on my sides or stomach for very long. Nor can I sleep through the night, most nights.

• October 2018 - Skin boil on my face from ingrown hair. Went to a local clinic and they gave me an antibiotic. It healed in a few days.

2020

• February 2nd - Super Bowl Sunday - Cellulites, Left Eye, no treatment. Healed in a few days. Has had blurry vision on/off since.

• March - June - Quarantine, Had been drinking on the heavier side on weekends due to the craziness that is/was the Pandemic.

• June 22nd - Likely caught Covid in St Pete at a restaurant on the beach. Last shot, tequila, my only drink of the day. Was not feeling well on the way home. Started with a migraine headache. • June 24th - Mono like symptoms, in bed, last insulin shot till ER on July 11th.

• June 26th - Felt ok, went out to eat. Last beer, just one. 

• June 27th - Sick again, mostly the same as before. Mono like symptoms.

• July 9th - Likely start date of Diabetic Ketoacidosis and Pancreatitis. So sick and weak and anything I tried to drink or eat came back up as bile and blood within an hour. • July 11th - Called 911 to come get me. Admitted in ER at Englewood Community. 36 hours in ICU. No real memory of this as I was on Morphine the whole time. Had extreme visions/experiences. Tested positive for Covid-19 but feel Covid had already run its course. I was there because my Liver and Pancreas went into complete shutdown.

• July 15th - Released under my own power.

• July 18th - Home 3 days and Macular Edema sets in both eyes.

• July 25th - Eye Doctor Appointment and Macular Edema is confirmed.

• July 26th - Vision starting to improve.

• July 30th - Eye Doctor follow up. Vision about 50% cleared up but still has heavy blurriness in the left eye right eye fairly useless.

• August 14th - Went out for the first time in months. Felt very awkward being around people. Anxiety through the roof. Felt like my chest was going to explode.

• September – Began going to Family Centers of SWFL for follow up treatments.

• December – Began treatments at Retina Associates of Sarasota for Retinopathy in both eyes.

2021

• September –Denied SSI benefits. Lawyers took it to appeals.

• December – Stopped treatments at Retina Associates of Sarasota due to no insurance for laser surgery to remove excess scar tissue in the right eye before we can continue treatments.

• December – Diagnosed with Gastroparesis.

2022

• September –Hurricane IAN strikes. Heavy damage to the house.

• November – Denied SSI Appeal. Lawyers re-appeal.

2023

• May – Began treatments for diabetes with Virginia B Andes.

• June – Sick with flu. Almost went to ER due to not being able to get better. I was sick virtually all of June and July with a 10-day break at the end of June and the beginning of July.

• July – Changed medications from initial Doctor’s recommendations to something I believed to be a more logical approach due to standard treatments being ineffective and my experience with these treatments and how my body has NOT responded to them.

• September – Noticed eye power changing in the positive direction. I probably need to see an eye doctor and get new glasses at this point. The nearest eye treatments I can get through Virginia B Andes is all the way down in Bonita Springs. That is not doable.

• October – Having to discuss my strange case to the higher ups at Virginia B Andes so that I can try to get some kind of stability in my medical care and plan of attack to try to right this ship that is my medical health. I am also seeking treatment for mental health issues as well but have yet to get the billing mix-ups corrected to make an appointment with a new therapist.

Current Medical Issues:

• Type II Diabetes (w/ extremely high blood sugar even with drugs.) • Retinopathy (both eyes, the right is really bad. Left is manageable.) • Diabetic ketoacidosis (seems stable upon last blood test) • Pancreatitis (seems stable upon last blood test) • Neuropathy (mostly numbness, rare sharp pains, loss of dexterity seems to be what is worst here) • PTSD (near death experiences and trips to ICU. My CNS is also very much out of whack.) • Bipolar Disorder (undiagnosed, untreated in youth) • Erectile Dysfunction (started after I got the flu in March 2016 and have issues ever since). • Gastroparesis (digestion is abnormally slow, bowel movements are extremely messy, stomach pains, between 4-6 on the 10-scale.) • Chronophobia (fear, extreme anxiety from the flow of time and always having a sense of dread there is never enough time.)

Medications:

• 70/30 Insulin - Lite dose with each meal, 0-20 units. (Supposed to take twice a day.) • Long Lasting Insulin – x2/day, 10-15 units, once in the morning and once before bed. (Supposed to take one big dose a day.) • Lisinopril (40mg) – once a day. • Amlodipine (5mg) – once a day. • Polyethylene Glycol – once a day. (Supposed to take twice a day.)

Supplements & Vitamins:

• Omega Three Fish Oil, Twice a day. Once in the morning before breakfast and once before dinner.

• Vitamin D, Twice a Day. Once in the morning before breakfast and once before dinner. This is a double dose.

• Probiotic, Twice a Day. Once in the morning before breakfast and once before dinner.

• Melatonin (5-12mg) once a night about an hour before bed.

—END OF LINE—

#blogger #bloggers #bloggerstyle #bloggerlife #bloggerslife #bloggerswanted #bloggerlifestyle #bloggerin #bloggersofinstagram #bloggerlove #bloggersgetsocial #bloggervibes #bloggerdiaries #bloggergram #bloggerpost #writer #writersofinstagram #writersofig #writers #writerscommunity #writerslife #creativewriter #writersnetwork #writersblog #bloggercommunity #writersoninstagram #writersuniverse #futurenytimesbestseller #writerswrite

[ryuzakemo128]

Used to the Darkness (Part 1)

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Marianna (Female Reader)

Trigger Warning:

Angst

Major Angst

Start is rather depressing

More angst

Graphic depiction of injury

Author's Note: After Season 4, Eddie is still alive.

Inspired by the song Used to the Darkness by Des Rocs

Part Summary: Months after Marianna (Female Reader) discovers her mother is alive. Which causes a mental break down when she sees her again, in person.

Marianna's Point Of View

I thought I would get used to this, you would think after years of this type of thing wouldn't be new and it wouldn't be a new experience. The suffering in silence, staying quiet when all you want to do is scream, cry and punch things. Sometimes you do one, sometimes you do two and on the rarest occasions you just let loose to do them all. Now I'm not the type of person who complains or likes to complain. I hate it, I hated it then and I hate it now.

I get nightmares about things that still scare me, even though they just don't make sense and sometimes I feel stupid thinking about them afterwards. I listen to him speak about it because he's important. More important than myself sometimes. I honestly don't know how he does it, he's braver than I am most of the time. Which says more than he might know. At least he's not afraid to show his emotion, coming from someone with my background shouldn't admire as much. Yet I do anyway.

I haven't noticed how much a knife could sing the same tune as a sword, not for a while and I wish, I wish could have seen it coming. I wish I knew better than to suffer in silence waiting for the pain to leave. It always comes back, stronger than before. It hurts every single time. My lifestyle benefited from this type of outlook, it kept people from knowing too much and becoming too attached.

Sometimes it just doesn't work and they get too emotionally invested anyway. Like now. I don't want to speak about my mother, I never wanted to know about her after I thought she died and to have people look up to her like she's some kind of inspirational figure worthy of looking up to hurts more than I could ever put into words. I never spoke about her, I never wanted to. I never thought I would have to speak about her before today. Not ever. But then again, I don't really need to tell you what I think. It's written all over your face. Your eyes say everything, your expression is screaming it loud and clear. I can see your emotions all over you. I can see it in your face right now. And if that's the case I guess I have no choice but to talk about it.

I want to say it's nothing to worry about and she no longer contacts me because I thought she was dead. I knew she was dead, I didn't think about it before and I didn't pay much attention to it before.

"I'm sorry I didn't warn you about my mother, I would have told you had I remembered." I grip my own hands tightly, knuckles almost turning white looking at the coffee table to avoid any possible eye rolling. I continued to say, "I just didn't want to talk about her. I didn't think I needed to."

I sighed thinking about whether to stay there, wait for a response or to get up and walk away. I settled for leaning forward, arms resting on my knees, head hanging down in an attempt to hide from their gaze. I could feel them studying me intently, their gazes were intense and made me uncomfortable. If looks alone could kill, those two pairs of eyes would already be filled with the coldest death imaginable. A shiver ran down my spine and goosebumps appeared on my skin as a result. It was as if someone touched me in the middle of my neck. I couldn't shake it off.

The only sound in the room is his breathing and my heart beating in my chest. Like a bone drum, in the tune of a marching band. Marching from my head to my heart. I can feel my pulse in my fingertips, my toes. I am suddenly aware of the energy coursing through my veins. My body is alive, and for a moment I am here, and only here.

#Stranger Things #stranger things #Stranger Things Fanfiction #stranger things fanfiction #Stranger Things Imagine #stranger things imagine #Stranger Things Drabble #stranger things drabble #Stranger Things Angst #stranger things angst #Eddie Munson #eddie munson #Eddie Munson Imagine #eddie munson imagine #Eddie Munson Fanfiction #eddie munson fanfiction #Eddie Munson Fanfic #eddie munson fanfic #Eddie Munson Drabble #eddie munson drabble #Female Reader #female reader #Fem! Reader #fem! reader #F! Reader #f! reader #Female Reader Imagine #female reader imagine #Fem! Reader Imagine #fem! reader imagine

[imlosingmyfuckingmindgirl]

past week, jan 8.

well well, it is 2314 at night as im writing this, my one roomie is talking to someone and other roomie is out talking to his friend but was supposed to get me water. fuck him. i seriously love frank ocean. im bout to cry my ass out on white ferrari. first lemme hit nights. past week was FUCKING EXHAUSTING. it was all midsems, every night study while not retaining anything in the morning. sometimes i was completely blacked out on the papers. man i hated this week so much. i think i will score very very poor in this midsem. i dont know how will i face my parents when i tell them my score. im scared, on the big god. im scared as fuck. apart from proff comms, i dont think i will score a decent score on any paper. it was so bad. let's see what happens on 11th as i get fucked from others' reaction. fuck this exam season. apart from that, my parents went to my sister's place to take care of her while she is developing her twins (manifesting is strong here vro). it caught me offguard that they went home, it was so unexpected. but its okay, they are together. she needs them, more than me. and you know i always let go only to find out later that i dont. white ferrari, good times. i don't wanna do this anymore, i think im fucking depressed. i would have not forgiven myself if lexa killed herself that new year's eve night. she told me that she was going to do it. but could not. i dont know if i can save her but i will try my best. i care for her, i fucking do. i fucking care for her as if she were my girl. even though i exist for her only in her mind. she told my she has this college debt and she could not pay it back and how she is a dissapointment and all that negative manifestation. i freed her from all that, all i could. i just dont want her to go out like that. she has been thru it all. i know. she is very brave and i will let her know it. i wont let her die. my backside pains so much as i am typing this. our whole hostel is victimized by covid, i think. everyone is falling sick. gods grace im okay till now. please let me be okay, god. im outchere, drinking mojitos and cokes and shit while these guys are suffering. god i spent reckless today. my fucking tire burst. spend 630 on that. ate some good shit for dinner 175 for that. i been spending like racks. i am guilting myself over it. and i have no remorse. guilt is overrated anyway. i dont know why, i just feel sad. like bruh lemme be happy one night. i just feel like all my family problems are caused by me. i dont feel my emotions unless and until i write them down. now its hitting me. just saw a reel stating that her mom is in depression and it shows her pampering her mother like her own child. just pictured it with my own mom crying and now i cannot sleep. somenights i just wanna cry my eyes out. like soak this pillow wet. If you think about it, it'll be over in no time And that's life. im tired of moving, im tired of aching. i dont wanna do this anymore, i just wanna cry until i die. nicoles new album just came out and i vibed to that while the full moon was out. it was fucking beautiful. i pictured death and its beautiful. i love her. and i dont love people. i love you mom, and dad and my sister. but sorry if i lose some battles. i hope i make it out. peace, tommorow is my music audition plus my physics lab, wish me luck. peace to every crease. -alister.

[jaykorianddickkoriforlife]

Here are some tips that life has taught me:

1. When a show comes out, don’t watch it until they’re on the last season, or if the last season is coming out the year afterwards, or until it’s completely done because then you don’t have to sit back to wait. You can just watch it all in one go. I am not patient, so. Not only that, but if you’re a fanfic reader then at point, you have soooo many stories to get introduced to.

2. If you are getting into the heel life, or shoes that rub your feet, and peel it because of the sweat that accumulates. Use deodorant, personally I use the stick deodorant, not the sprays, and it’s helped sooo much with peeling, and skin rubbing. ALSO, to break shoes in, put on some thick ass socks, and just walk in them in your house, and depending on the shoe type, use a blow dryer, blow some warm air inside the shoes, put on the socks, and walk. Trust me. A life saver.

3. Continuously change your passwords. It’s okay to be paranoid to a certain extent. I’m constantly changing my crap.

4. Treat yourself. Sometimes you hear that, or read it, and our brains just automatically think spa, shopping, etc. No, you can treat yourself with the smallest thing especially when life is hectic. Yesterday, I bought myself a twix because I’ve been craving it, and guess what? It was delicious, and I was happy about that. A good little treat.

5. Mix match your socks, switch things up randomly, go out with different colored nails, wear obnoxious earrings, try out different colored lipsticks. People will judge you regardless, might as well give them a reason, and smile at them when they do because it’s a bigger insult when they think that their words hold no meaning even if they do. Little by little, you’ll become so used to it, that you’ll learn to love doing it without even batting an eyelash when you get judged. It helped my confidence so much. Retrain your brain, it doesn’t automatically happen. It takes time, but it’s worth it. Do it for you, not for others.

6. Make a list, get a small little book, and make a happy book. I suffer from clinical depression, and finally started getting help, and I realized mid way that as humans, we don’t remember the good things, it’s difficult to do so because the negative is what impacts us the most. I got this pink spiral notebook, and just started a daily happy list. Some days are extremely difficult, especially the days where I’m stuck in bed because of how draining life can be at times, but I would put one thing even if it’s as simple as “I loved how soft my blankets felt against my skin, how warm the bed was.”, and when you look back, you’ll see how much the little things did help. There are days where I’ve put, “I enjoyed how the breeze felt today”, or “I saw a pretty bird fly above, and I felt calm when I saw it.”

7. You know what’s nerve wrecking? Reaching out to someone you haven’t talked to in a while, to tell them that they made a positive impact in your life. As humans, we don’t like the idea of being perceived, so we think that we don’t make an impact, but we do, we just never know. It feels healing in a way when you reach out to someone to say Thank You, not only do you feel relieved that you finally let your gratitude, but you don’t know if they’re going through something shitty, and a message like that can actually help them. There’s a possibility of getting judged, but it’s for you, for your mind, and your emotions. You don’t have to go into detail, but it feels amazing when you finally get it off your chest.

8. Watch multi-fandom videos, there’s literally nothing more cool than watching your favorite characters life get put out in a very creative, different way ESPECIALLY since you get so many different songs from it.

9. If you can, and if you have the money, or transportation, or the time. Go to different stores, check out new places. Take yourself out to the movies, go to the library by yourself, take yourself out on a date, try new restaurants even if you’re afraid that people are going to judge you for eating alone. As I said, they’re going to judge regardless, might as well give them a reason. Learn to love being by yourself, learn to enjoy your time without being obsessed with the idea of hanging out with people, who at the end of the day, may not appreciate you. Appreciate yourself, BUT always have a form of protection with you. Can’t ever be too paranoid, put your safety first. Always.

10. Have a pinterest. Shit is so fun, literally. It’s like window shopping, fandom art, quotes, poems, mood boards, life tips, hacks, so many things. And if you’re an organized freak like me, make folders. Organize them, have fun doing it. Organize your bookmarks by folders on your phone. If you don’t find organization as fun then yeah ignore this part, but seriously. Make a pinterest. 

#Life tips #Life #Happiness #Life hacks #Depression #self conscious #self confidence #Little things #Pinterest #Writing #Fandom #Traveling #Extrovert #Introvert #Series #Movies #tv shows #self care #Self Acceptance #self love