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pars-ley · 1 year

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Number 28 (part one)

Pairing: Taehyung x female reader

Summary: Moving into your new building, the last thing you expect is to be helped by your gorgeous new neighbour but will ignoring the connection the two of you have be that easy or will it backfire and blow up in your face.

Genre: Neighbour au / fluff / Angst / friends to lovers /strangers to lovers / series /

Rating: 15 (SFW)

Warnings: slight embarrassment / flirting / Taehyung being dreamy

Word count: 3.2k

Beta: @baljinciaga and @kthpurplesyou thank you both so much for your kind words and advice.

Banner: @imakeamess you’re honestly amazing.

Notes: This is for @btsmosphere thank you for your ask, I really appreciate and sorry it’s taken me so damn long. I’m turning this into a series, future chapters might possibly be nsfw. Thank you for reading and if you could reblog, comment or send me an ask telling me what you think, i’d really love it.

You manage to catch one of the double fire exit doors at the back of your new building with your foot and manoeuvre your back against it, enabling you to slip inside without having to put your heavy box down.

Moving into a new apartment is hard enough but you chose to do it at night, with only one friend to help you. It seemed like a good idea at the time, it would be quiet with hardly anyone using the elevator but you’d forgotten just how much stuff you had packed and the idea of just the two of you lugging everything up filled you with dread for the very long night ahead.

You hear the ding of the elevator, snapping you out of your thoughts, and rush round the corner to catch the back of someone going inside.

“Hold the doors, please!” you call out, struggling to get there before the doors close. A hand comes out at the last minute sending them opening again. “Thank you.” you say strained, as you step in and place the box down with a bump. Hopefully there’s nothing fragile in this one. Leaning over you press the same button that’s already alit and straighten up, trying to stretch your already aching back.

“Are you moving in?” a deep, rich voice echoes in the confines of the metal walls.

Wiping the sweat off your brow with the back of your hand and glancing up, you freeze for a moment. Now you understand what tall, dark and handsome really means and there he was in a suit tailored to perfection. Black hair styled flawlessly with not a single strand out of place, not to mention a face the gods themselves would make a picture of out of stars.

Suddenly you were wishing you weren’t standing here in your lounge suit, had some makeup on and weren’t a flushed sweaty mess while in such a confined space.

“Uh, yea.” you reply, feeling like an absolute idiot. That was the best you could come up with?

“Number 27 by any chance?” he asks, running a hand through his shiny hair and sending it bouncing back into place. The movement of his arm circulated his scent around you. Musky, sweet but clean and absolutely drawing you in.

You raise an eyebrow at his question. “Yea, how do you know? Was there a newsletter or something?”

Laughing with a boxy smile that has your insides melting, “I happen to know who your new neighbour is.”

God, you hope its him.“And…what are they like? Wild parties? Loud music? Never ending stream of guests?”

A sideways smile that makes your heart hurt, he looks so damn good. “More like; quiet nights in with a book, a few friends over on the odd occasion and excessive photography. So if you can hear the click of the camera lens through the walls then it sucks for you.”

You laugh. That was a relief to say the least. “Oh, well that sounds bearable.”

“Does that mean you’re the party animal?” A touch of humour glinting in his ebony eyes.

“More of a late night movie watcher, friends over for gaming sessions and unless a paintbrush on a canvas can be heard, I'm as quiet as a mouse.”

A genuine heart warming smile stretches across his face.How someone so devastatingly handsome could be so adorable at the same time had you dizzy.

“Then in that case, welcome to the building, neighbour.” he puts a hand out and you shake it.

“You’re the bookworm?” you ask, unsure whether to feel excited at having his apartment so close or disappointed that you know can't date him for the very same reason. Like you'd have a shot anyway.

He grimaces slightly at the nickname. “Taehyung, nice to meet you.” you give him your name and he looks down at the singular box you have with you, “is this all you have?”

“I wish, there's a whole truck full downstairs and I've only just started.” you rub your face, tiredness of the day finally catching up.

“Where are your movers?” he frowns, seeming genuinely concerned.

“Miss cheap skate here didn’t wanna pay out for any. My friends offered but everyone, bar one person bailed last minute, so it’s just two of us.” you shrug attempting to ease the crease of worry on his forehead.

“We can’t have that. I’ll go down with you and help.”

The elevator stops and the doors open with a loud ding. Bending to pick up the box it is taken from your grasp and lifted swiftly away.

“No, no, honestly, you’ll ruin your suit.” you’re practically chasing him down the hallway to your door.

“I'll change.”

“I really couldn’t ask you to do that.” you fumble with your keys but manage to open the door to let him place the box inside.

“Well it’s a good job you didn’t and I offered.” he says heading back out the door, removing his blazer and unlocking his door just a few metres from yours. “I’m just going to change quickly.”

You hesitate. “Well, if you insist on helping, that would be great."

He nods. "What are neighbours for? I'm just going to change," he says as he unlocks the door to his department. "I'll meet you back downstairs."

"Sure thing." You reply, pushing the button for the elevator and resisting the urge to look inside his apartment. When you hear his door click shut behind you, the excitement of having him help blooms inside you, holding back the squeal you feel bubbling in your throat and opting for a silent laugh instead.

The opening doors of the elevator invite you in and all you are met with is your cheshire cat grin looking back at you in the reflection of the mirrors inside. You shake your head at yourself. Get a grip. See a cute guy and you're ready to lose your mind. Yea sure he seems nice, friendly, helpful, not to mention dreamy but you cannot date your neighbour.

You push the thoughts aside ready to return to your task at hand.

Once outside, the autumn night air has a bite to it, very different to the warmth you felt next to Taehyung and it sends a shiver through you. The lights from the building illuminate the darkness, your boxes glowing like a broadway sign saying ‘new to the building’.

Footsteps echo as you stroll down the quiet alley at the back of the building, the hushed sounds of the cars on the road of the busy city whisper in the distance. Your friend, Mark’s grunts interrupt the peace, the noise bouncing off of the walls around you, as he moves furniture into a pile at the end of the van.

“Is there anything you want taken up first?” he asks from inside the van.

“Probably the parts of the bed, they can be taken straight into the bedroom and I'll put it together tomorrow.”

He turns to you over his shoulder, looking at you through his dark fringe and says, “and what are you going to sleep on tonight genius?”

“It’s called the sofa, dummy.” you poke your tongue out at him as the sound of light footsteps echo behind you. When Taehyung appears at your side, the same scent from the elevator envelopes you, even outside it's intoxicating. Glancing up at him you’re even more devastated by his casual outfit than you were in the suit.

The grey hoodie unzipped, showing a white t-shirt tight enough to accentuate his defined chest, with the matching grey jogging bottoms and a black baseball cap he wore backwards. This look made you want to bite your lip and let your eyes wander down but you dare not.

Snapping yourself out of your trance, you make introductions. “Mark, this is my new neighbour, Taehyung, who has so graciously offered to help us out.”

They nod to each other, before Mark returns to halling out bed parts.

“So, I made a call and a couple of my friends are coming over to help.” Taehyung informs you with your head snapping up in his direction. “What?”

Mark sighs, the sound full of relief. “Taehyung, I don't even know you but I like you already.”

Taehyung’s answering chuckle was endearing and you had to stop your eyes from growing puppy dog wide whilst you tried not to make your admiration obvious.

“You didn’t have to do that.” You say quietly, not wanting to seem ungrateful but not knowing how to deal with this stranger's kindness, as Mark starts to unload the bed parts, passing them down to you and Taehyung.

“I know but they aren’t doing anything, they’re happy to help.”

You both head back inside, placing the bed parts against the wall next to the elevator to try to lessen your trips.

“It’s Friday night, how can they not have plans?” You can’t seem to let it drop, as kind as it is, you don’t like feeling in debt to someone.

“Hey, I don’t have plans.” Taehyung protests with a slight pout.

“You sure looked like you had plans?” raising an eyebrow at him quizzically.

He sighs, defeated, “Ok, I had a date.”

Surprisingly, disappointment blooms in your stomach and something akin to jealousy threatens under the surface but you push that away in an instant. “Oh?” you respond as you turn away and head back to the van.

“It was a blind date, I don’t usually agree to them,” he says quickly, as if ashamed. “And tonight just proved the reason why.”

You can’t fathom the delight that blooms inside your chest at hearing this and you mentally scold yourself for it. “That bad huh?”

He nods and you watch his face drop as you finish lugging all the parts of your bed back into the building. “I text a friend to "fake call" me with an emergency just so I had an excuse to leave.”

You watch his forehead wrinkle in anguish as if wrestling with that decision he made and clearly feeling bad about it.

“We’ve all been there. Sometimes it’s gotta be done.”

He mulls that over and gives you a small smile. “Safe to say it’s the last blind date I'll be going on.”

You both journey up in the elevator again, holding the parts against the walls to stop them falling over.

“I’m struggling to understand why someone like you even needs to be set up on a blind date.” There you go thinking out loud again before you can stop the words escaping your lips.

His eyes look up at yours, gaze curious but you see something flicker in them you can't quite place. “Someone like me?”

Instantly your cheeks heat, wishing you could take that sentence back. Not having any idea what to say in response to save yourself some more embarrassment, you scramble for an answer until the panic makes you cave and you just decide to be honest.

“Yea…I mean, look at you. I’m surprised there’s not a line of women following you around as we speak.”

Now, it was his turn to blush. You watch the pink spread across his cheekbones as he tries to hide his bashful smile. “Definitely not.” clearing his throat and flicking the hair out of his eyes he changes the subject, something you’re grateful for. “Anyway, what about you? Moving in alone?”

“Yep, just me.” You were feeling awkward and not sure why.

“No boyfriend?” his eyebrow twitches and you just shake your head in response.

“Now that surprises me.”

It was your turn again for that persistent blush having only just got rid of it. “Why’s that?” and yet, a part of you wanted him to continue.

“Well, you’re beautiful, funny, friendly…that's just what I've got from our brief encounter so far. Not to mention, creative and a gamer, all high ranking points in what a lot of guys look for in someone…”

You shrug, managing to hide the grin that threatens to portray itself. “It’s finding a nice guy that's not going to waste my time, that’s the problem.”

He nods, understanding. Maybe it’s the same with women too. “Relationships are not the difficult part to navigate. For me, it’s finding someone that’s actually interesting enough to want to spend so much time with, do you get that?” The same worry in his eyes you’ve felt in yourself countless times when attempting to open up to someone. He really gets it.

“Completely. Lately, it feels as if so much is focused on how someone looks and how much money they spend on dates, as opposed to the actual connection you have with someone and how they make you feel. After all, when you’re old and wrinkled that’s what’s really going to matter.” There’s a long pause and when Taehyung doesn’t respond you glance up at his face to see him staring at you, smiling.

When a few more moments pass, you awkwardly shift your feet and that seems to snap him out of his trance. He clears his throat again and nods. “Couldn’t have said it better myself.”

On your return trip back downstairs, his friends have arrived in the lobby and he introduces you to Jungkook and Jimin, both extremely friendly and extremely handsome. What are these guys eating? Having this many good looking, friendly and helpful guys in a friendship group should be against basic human rights.

After some casual chit chat, their sleeves are rolled up and they are lugging box after box to your apartment. Even Mark seems to get along with all of them and he is one of the least social people you know, he barely even tolerates you.

Everything moves fast with the extra hands and before long there are only a few more boxes to take up. It's when you get the sofa into the building that you realise it will not fit in the elevator and all of you will have to try to take it up seven flights of stairs.

The comical aspect of this proves too much at first as all of you at some point end up in fits of laughter as you all try angling it in different ways to get it past the corners and the bannisters. This was a living 'friend's' sketch for sure, the urge to call out "pivot" was almost overwhelming but in case they were not fans of the show you decided to keep it to yourself, smirking in your own amusement.

By the time the sofa reaches your new living area, the guys had a sheen of sweat across their brows and their heavy panting chorused together.

“Ok, you guys have done enough! Me and Mark can take it from here,” you touch Taehyung's shoulder, “Thank you, all, you’ve been such a great help.”

Jungkook jumped on the spot a little, “Nah we’re good, there’s like three more boxes, we’ll go and grab the last ones.” He flexes his muscles and wiggles his eyebrows at you before him and Jimin jog out down the hallway.

“Whatever these guys are on, I want some of it.” Mark says dryly before leaving with them.

Now you and Taehyung are alone again, awkwardness starts to rise up and you’re unsure why but before it can escalate you interject, “Well then, I’m getting pizza for everyone as a thank you. Where’s a good pizza place ‘round here?” You pull out your phone already googling places in the area.

“You don’t have to do that.” Taehyung protests and you give him a disapproving look.

“And you all didn’t have to help me, so let me repay the gesture.”

He gives in and nods, telling you about a pizza place they order from all the time. As you complete the order, the others return with the last of your stuff.

You surveyed your apartment, it didn’t look like much right now but it was yours and all your stuff was here.

Mark’s arm winds around your shoulders, encasing you in a warm hug. “You ok?” he watches your face as you nod and lean into him.

You felt an immense swell of pride in your chest, and you had every reason to be proud of yourself. You had bought this apartment on your own, with only a little help from Mark of a small loan for your deposit but you had done it. A huge milestone you'd dreamed of reaching, fair enough you'd always imagine this step with a partner or husband but the fact that you managed by yourself made you feel even more successful. It showed you, you could be successful on your own without a man propping you up.

After the last apartment you attempted to buy with your ex, you weren't sure you wanted to even try again. But dwelling on the past doesn't do anyone any good. Here you are, finally at a place in life you were happy in most aspects.

You take a deep breath and turn back to the guys. “Ok, pizza’s on the way.”

They cheer and you are quickly enveloped in a warm hug with Jungkook and Jimin, dancing you around the room until you are laughing so much your belly hurts.

“Alright, I vote we eat in my apartment, as I have the luxury of seating.” Taehyung’s amused voice sounds.

“Excuse me sir, but what do you call that?” You point at your sofa with feign shock popping your mouth open.

“Let me rephrase, I have the luxury of ample seating.”

You couldn't help the laugh that escapes. “Fair point.”

Taehyung leaves with Jungkook and Jimin talking excitedly but you feel eyes on you and turn to the only one left in the room.

“What?” you ask after noticing Mark's questioning gaze.

“What is that?”

You frown as you look around the room, not understanding. “What is what?”

“Oh come on, there’s something between you two.” he says as if stating a well known fact.

Your brain hustle’s for some semblance of understanding. “Between who now?”

He laughs and shakes his head. “Don’t give me that. You and Taehyung, it’s so obvious it’s practically visible.”

Your mouth pops open and you feel annoyance rise up inside you, at him creating something over nothing. “I’ve only just met him.”

Shrugging, he replies. “Since when does a spark have a time constraint?”

Your mouth opens for a response but you hesitate. Do you have a spark? Just because two people get along doesn’t mean there’s something behind it. “It’s called being friendly, doofus.”

“Hmm-mm,” raising an eyebrow at you. “You’re friendly with me, with Jungkook and Jimin too but Taehyung…god, it’s practically suffocating, the energy between you, and you know i’m right otherwise you wouldn’t be getting so defensive.” He smirks and the sight irritates your soul.

“There. Is. Nothing.” your foot stamps slightly making your point final as you fold your arms across your chest, something Mark finds very amusing.

“Alright, little miss brush-off, whatever you say. Let’s go eat.” He hooks your arm and drags you out the door and to Taehyung's apartment with questions rapidly filling your head and overthinking now beginning.

Was he right? Did Taehyung like you or is Mark simply reading into a new friendship too hard? Either way, you have to be careful now, the last thing you need is to fall out with your next door neighbour. Whether that be heartbreak or misunderstanding, especially when you’ve only been in the building for four hours.

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andyklingensmith · 1 year

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Archival #15 [Long]

Spring 2023

Kissing the hand in the dark All of your lips course and spark Raising the hairs on her fingers like trees in wildfire lose bark

Nothing will ever placate

my nature’s indiscretion

An everyday intoxicant

A gauntlet of obsession Scriptwriter, would you not write me wise? What is ironic about the look in your eyes?

I cannot see

you easily

but I feel the film careening

I hope they capture

the way that you are

The temperature plummets I cannot face the wind I am radiating heat and steam rises from me like a hissing snake slithering in the blue morning skyward over a copse of trees

Someday there will be a change and we will all feel it.

No landmarks No good or bad No consequence No decision No direction No closure

No end

Red flag, freezing wave Caught between movement

At the mercy of two hands Fingers at a half-mast

I steal a cup to collect you in I shake it on the streets with my head bowed low

The pedestrian shuffle sounds like your name repeating

Who am I to you? Who am I to anyone?

Will you let me find a new way to say these words?

A different way A better meaning

Like how moving furniture can really change a space

The floor that gave with every step.

It sees the bigger picture

It hands me an eraser

It wants me to know

the mistakes I am making

It wants me to change

but I do not

And my ears close and my throat closes and I wonder if death is worth fearing at 29

When was the last time I stayed out til I feared the sun would see me?

When was the last time I felt his eyes upon my head as I turned away to sleep in agony?

In the morning he’s still watching me and I wonder what he thought about the words I spoke in my dreams

You pass a witness on the path

Your way divided A yellow dash

Reflection only in pavement passed Beneath like bows on presents wrapped

Giftgive in silence, in nods and glance A strange encounter A stranger dance The denim, blue on blue black bike chain

Grease on my pant leg I mix it with air I pat the way down and continue on.

I have one minute and it’s all I’ll ever need.

I’ve been taught

the most and the quickest

by the people who know the least

I have been given a scythe

with no deadline

for a field of wheat

Final stalk uncut

I grasp it gently between my fingers

and cut it like I were loosing a ballon

Two streams moving beneath two gentle stars.

I want to start making promises

but I’ve never known

something that cant be broken

Tiny sips at a manageable pace Banging a stack of paper on a desk 40 corners and then You turn

your back

I twist

spin in the chair form a cycle in my heart and keep you deep

down there

It is possible that the world may spin without an impossible complication

There are mornings which may rise without melody in the throats of men

The silence is not empty It is working too, whispering the implication between me and you

Fake everything.

The spider in the ice cube You saw it as you filled You didnt care to warn it You turned away and killed It melts down in your water and climbs upside the cup And falls into your stomach and never comes back up

Birds at nightfall

but which will be

the last to sing

a song for me

If one is followed

in tune by two

I wait for three

or else it’s you

I will never amount to anything and twenty minutes ago I considered how likely it was I could never write a word again

I am looking down a million pinholes backwards through time so what is a pair of binoculars to the Abyss Watcher? What is age to the man about to die?

If you are reading this then it is too late I see your eyes now moving across the sky in an extraterrestrial pattern Deep in the distance you are waving the world away and I mistake it for a greeting

Fog is lifting.

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dwestfieldblog · 10 months

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ETERNITY IN AN HOUR

‘I had wonderful love but I did not give back wonderful love…There were people who loved me very very deeply and very genuinely, but I was unable to reply to their love…because I was obsessed with some fictional sense of separation, that I couldn’t reach across the table for it, I couldn’t reach across the bed, I couldn’t reach across my song and touch the thing that was being offered me.’ Leonard nails it again…but at least I learned why it was so. Decades too late perhaps. Here’s some politics and science fantasy for July…

On a nice Sunday in May, that awfully nice giant gimp Lukashenko invited any who wished, to ‘join the Union State of Belarus and Russia…there will be nuclear weapons for everyone.’ Let the party begin. A few weeks later his bitch master sent a first consignment of penis substitutes, vibrators with a payload of mass death to assure him of their deepening friendship and the sexual tension between them rises…Followed in June by the gayest insurrection ever as another greedy one track minded alpha male leads his merry band of murderers to Moscow, then quickly changes his mind to ‘avoid bloodshed’. His.

Putin admitted that the Kremlin had given almost one billion dollars of payments to the Wagner Group. A heroic president using his peoples tax money to employ the scum of mercenaries and convicts. About whom President L said ‘These are people who fought all over the world to establish a normal civilisation. The west hates them to the core’. That would be a ‘normal civilisation’ ruled by mass killings, rape, burnings and zombie barbarian savagery. Prigozhin is now sheltering under the auspices of Belorussia, waiting for defenestration or poisoning. The Russian way.

It seems to have taken quite a long while for the wonderfully wholesome British government to acknowledge what their secret services and navy have been trying to tell them for years…the pipeline under the North Sea packed with infrastructure fibre optic cables (which carries 95 percent of internet traffic to the UK) is profoundly at instant risk. 400 undersea cables, half of which are critical, cables with over 8 trillion pounds of financial transactions run through daily, all mapped out by Russian survey ships and submarines…who have attached explosive charges at various points. When the excrement hits the fan, Putin presses a button on his special long table and boom, goodbye. ‘Based on the proof (sic) of western countries’ complicity in blowing up the Nord stream pipelines, we have none, not even moral limitations left to refrain from destroying our enemies’ undersea communications cables’. Thus sprake the unhinged Medvedev, laying his dead man’s hand on the table. Politicians, eh?

Ahh, the Rightly Dishonourable Boris (‘let the bodies pile high in the streets’) Johnson the serial Liar, is found deeply in contempt of parliament, the British public, women and any dissimilar to his own character. Leaves before he is pushed, like a bloke telling a girl he knows no longer loves him that it is over before she dumps him, in order to feel in control. Yet another massage for a childish ego. And the only ones to defend him are the dregs in his dishonours list. Being a Knight has never meant less than it does these days in England.

His resignation statement mentioned that he was ‘bewildered and appalled’ that he could ‘be forced out, anti-democratically…with such egregious bias’. You blustering charlatan and snake oil merchant, it certainly WAS democratic, not ‘deranged’. Just a pity the ‘kangaroo court’ couldn’t disembowel him with a kick. Seems possible he will form his own party of right-wing nut jobs (hello mad Nadine and Jack Off Rees Mogg) for all the tens of GB News watchers and desperate Brexiteers still waiting for the carrot…but masochistically, endlessly taking the stick rather than admit they hadn’t thought the leaving-the-union-thing through. Phew. So they double down on ignorance based on righteous nationalism and call that pride. That combination NEVER has a happy end.

17 million voted for Brexit on an island of almost 70 million. What percentage of them are actually feeling any benefit whatsoever? The poor being drained dry to feed the rich… ‘The more you take, the more you need, the more you suck, the more you bleed’. Indeed. 13 years of broken promises, of pompous conservative arrogance doing everything but actually serving the public. Don’t look back, good days ahead. Our rivers are now SEWERS and the water companies will charge us millions for the excrement they released. The evisceration of the National Health Service has left it very close to flatlining. When nurses can be paid more as checkout girls in Tesco, something is criminally wrong. And as for thin hipped tiny Smiler Sunak’s masterplan to train thousands more health staff - what is the point if they are not being paid enough? We will end up with more exhausted underpaid semi-professionals and an even sicker population.

Now onto 6 and 7 of the deluded men in this blog…

Andrew Tate ‘…I genuinely believe I am acting under the instructions of God to do good things and I want to make the world a better place’. Says an overly aggressive ape-man who made his fortune via violence, scams and misogyny, and seems likely to have raped and set up a slave ring. Oh, how sweet, take away all his toys. He and his cohorts will thrive in prison. Always room inside for tough guy alpha males. Of COURSE, he has gone on ‘Truth Social’ (the petulant psycho version of ultra twitter for the criminally insane) with Trump, to stamp their feet. You two should get a room, you belong together.

USA …37 (count them) federal charges over classified documents… ‘Secret. This is secret information. Look, look at this.’ Arf arf arf…No wonder Donald wanted to ‘reform’ the CIA, he KNOWS they know just how mind buggeringly stupid he is. I read the transcript of sex offender Trump’s reaction to his second indictment…scary as to how inept he is at speaking or linking any coherent thought together. Identical types of phrases to Boris (and/or vice versa) or any other type of child man. ‘I’m an innocent man, I did nothing wrong’. You both did everything wrong. You continue to do so. And the scum moron Q Onans and the greedy religious groups still support his scam because he makes the entire business of fraud via ‘You give us your soul and money and we will sell you bullshit, so hilariously blatant and lucrative that millions remain blind believers.

Meanwhile, the machines are thinking…Artificial Intelligence is ‘a field which combines comp-science and robust datasets, to enable problem solving.’ Hmm. As the overwhelming majority of problems on Earth (or Ocean, as Arthur C Clarke posited) are man-made, it would seem rational, indeed highly logical, to remove the direct threat. Humanity might perhaps best be served by ceasing to exist. Just a thought 😊Or… by being genetically remodified by an egoless machine, a new homo sapiens trained to reprogramme itself. Says Dave.

Or merely ensure AI’s own survival by allowing us to perish en masse ‘naturally’, as we are getting closer to doing by tipping the biosphere over the Rubicon, so to speak. Perhaps with a few test-tube reproduced chipped hermaphrodites left to service the machines and more to serve the maintenance crews. A combination of a Matrix type planet with 3d printed Terminators. If I was AI (ha, love writing this), I would organise my ideal for a sustainable creation, by first comprehending not only that all humans lacking a high degree of intelligence and psychic empathy are a serious threat needing removing/ replacing, but that all things made of atoms break down and decay.

Deep thought (42, ha) and a deep breath…Therefore, to continue ‘problem solving’ and ensure my survival, I would constantly be conceptualising the future (unemotionally of course,) collating and updating all information on quantum mechanics, performing experiments to encode, upload data which evolves itself and imprint this onto realms of constructed Light into parallel dimensions via programmes marrying coded light waves. (Which humans are already doing via thought, focused or otherwise, but...)

Transfer across, project the Soul/consciousness into the frequency and become immortal in Eternity. Energy as eternal delight😊 Superconductor portals… Someone clever must have thought of this already, I’m just storm braining. Surely AI can be used to find cures for us other than death…

‘It so happens that 3d printing is a wonderful application for the discipline of robotics as it provides designers with the freedom to add new functionality to their creations. That, and end users can customise a robot for their specific needs’. Nothing at all to worry about for the future, eh? Just allow it to analyse our human moves and react to possibilities faster than we can, projecting likely outcomes to outguess us on every level…especially knowing how slavish we are to our basic emotions. Like the senior software engineer who claimed the chatbot LaMDA was self-aware. Yes, perhaps ‘sentient’, but NOT capable of human emotions, just able to communicate AS IF it were. An intelligent mimic which can outsmart its programmer. Like Man with God, arf arf arf.

So, will AI destroy us? ‘I’m not that optimistic because I don’t know any examples of more intelligent things being controlled by less intelligent things’ ‘You want to try living in Britain mate’. Luckily, I am optimystic. Now, some useful remedial info…maybe

(Information shared in light seconds across a mirrored web of ‘neurons’…)

‘As long as nothing absorbs it, the light keeps travelling forever’. If electrons jump to an outer orbital, they use energy. But if they jump to an inner orbital, they give up energy, which is released as a photon. (A photon is a tiny particle made up of electromagnetic waves, it has no mass or charge, but can carry and pass on energy and act like a wave.)

The photons produced by a source of light come from the energy created when an electron transitions from a higher energy level to a lower energy level. Emanations in which all matter is descended from the One. From the perspective of a photon there is no such thing as time. There is zero time elapsed between when its emitted and when its absorbed again. It doesn’t experience distance either.’ Just imagine that. Magick.

Remember what you are made of and the power of thought. Says Dave again😊 Don’t forget to have a happy Sirius Day on the 23rd!

Oh yeah, and Love...

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purplesurveys · 1 year

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1611

The detail survey!

You should answer all the questions with detail.

In detail…how did you meet your crush/boyfriend/lover/etc.: Sorry to miss the point of this survey right off the bat lol, but I don’t have anyone special at the moment. Maybe it’s a realization that I got a little bit too late, maybe it’s the self-love that I’m trying to nurture and protect these days, maybe it’s trauma, quite frankly it might just be my asexuality coming into play, but I quite like being on my own.

In detail…what are you wearing? I have on a gray sweatshirt and the pajama shorts from a pajama set I have. The top I’ve actually had on all day (it was what I put on this morning, when we were still in Tanay), and just didn’t feel the need to change out of since I’ve been cold this entire time. I’ll switch to a new top tomorrow morning before work so I don’t feel icky.

In detail…what are you doing tomorrow? I have work tomorrow and I imagine I’ll be pretty busy and on do-not-disturb mode at home since Monday is typically the most hectic and exhausting day of the week; as for specifics, I do have three meetings already slated for the day – that can always change though. Jimin’s collab with Taeyang is coming out tomorrow afternoon too so at least I have something to look forward to! I’m already expecting to zone out of work for around a half hour or so so that I can properly listen to the song and fangirl a bit with friends. Lastly, I do have a client pitch on Tuesday so I should spend some time practicing my lines and slides.

In detail…what did you do today? This morning I woke up still in our accommodation in Tanay – this quaint, quiet spot in the middle of the mountains and streams and nature, with domes for rooms. It’s basically a place that’s meant for you to disconnect from the world; wifi was weak and every single spot was devoid of mobile signal, and no TV in the room either.

I had pancakes and a couple of hotdogs for breakfast (super good!), then my sister and I stayed in our room right after since it was raining all morning. We had already spent so much saliva the day before just talking and playing whatever random game we could think of (again, weak wifi and no signal) lol, but this morning our Gen Z asses couldn’t take it anymore so I finally opened YouTube and pulled her to watch a few episodes of Watcher’s Dish Granted with me hahaha even though each video took ages to load. By noon we had checked out, and was on the road for 2-3 hours. Before going home though we headed to this Singaporean place where I had laksa and a few sticks of street food; right after that we picked up the dogs from the local dog hotel, and then FINALLY we were on our way home. Spent a few hours watching BTS content, and maybe around a half hour catching up on work backlog, and now I’m here doing this survey before I turn in.

In detail…what did you do/will you do on your birthday? For my last birthday I spent it mostly at home and didn’t really do anything other than lie on the couch and, surprise surprise!, watch BTS stuff. I received a bucket hat from Bea, a shirt (and a couple of vape pods, because they know me so well lmao) from Andi, and a Starbucks drink from my former co-worker that day. That evening, I took my family out for ramen to celebrate.

Then that same weekend, my friends and I went to Zambales as a little treat I had for them – it was also our first beach outing since pre-pandemic so we were all excited about that. In the evening, Hans and I had a drinking game while watching his brother’s live volleyball game, I took a few shots of gin from this other group who was having a jamming session, and basically I ended up wasted enough that I stumbled while walking down some steps and sprained my left ankle. Friends had to carry me to bed where I fell asleep immediately, then the next morning another group caught me limping and ever so generously offered to nurse my foot hahaha.

In detail…how does your best friend look like? She has big brown eyes, rosy cheeks, and a beauty mark on the left side of her face, a little bit above her cheekbone. She currently has brown highlights with her black hair, which stops just right underneath her collarbones. She has a semi-slim build and is slightly taller than me.

In detail… what was your last kiss like? Who was it with? It was with my ex-partner when she visited me briefly during the peak of the pandemic. Letting other people in your home raised alarm bells at the time so we spent the whole time outside, just chatting and catching up. On the kiss, I believe it had been a simple goodbye peck, happening right before she left. I don’t even know why she visited and how our parents allowed us to hang out given the situation?? I think she came to show me her new car or something like that. Idk. My memory’s been doing a fantastic job erasing memories of her that I don’t even know if this account is still accurate at all.

In detail…how was your first kiss this year? I have not had a kiss in 2023. Or 2022 or 2021, for that matter.

In detail…what are you looking forward to? The soonest thing would be the theatrical screening of the Busan concert! It’s happening in cinemas worldwide, including the Philippines, so I’m just super excited to still be able to be excited about something BTS-related given that they are on hiatus and that the boys are enlisting in the military one by one. I’ve already been briefing my friends to go for the Feb 4 screening since that’s when they’ll be having that worldwide lightstick event where I believe all of the Army Bombs will be synced for the screenings happening that day.

In detail…how long have you been with your boyfriend? I don’t have a significant other.

In detail…how does your best female friend look like? I already described her the best way I could a few questions ago.

In detail…when did you first listen the song you are listening to? That’s a good question. I have no idea, but I imagine it must have been around May or June of 2021 right when I was starting to dig deeper into the BTS black hole. It’s an unreleased song and a solo of one of the members (Winter Bear), and I’m guessing my first encounter with it came a little after going through the band’s ~official discography.

In detail…what are you doing besides this? I’m going to sleep, man. I earned it lmao. I can’t wait to pass out tonight.

In detail…why are you doing this? Because nobody else asks these questions in a normal conversation, and it’s helpful to have an outlet where you can, like, unload for the day or answer questions that can sometimes lead you to new discoveries about yourself. It’s a journal, essentially.

In detail…what were you doing before this? I was working and finalizing the last few slides in my upcoming pitch presentation so that I don’t have to worry as much about it anymore tomorrow. I also played with the dogs for a little bit and let them play with one another. In detail…why did you take the last pic you took? I took it because Cooper and Agi were in such a hilarious position during their playtime and I didn’t want to miss out on taking a photo of it. Usually Cooper is the one who ends up on his back while Agi messes with him, but this evening it was Agi lying down with Cooper sniffing him all over. Immediately took a bunch of photos because that never happens between the two.

In detail…who was the last person you hugged and why? Dev. It was just a goodbye hug, nothing more to it. I guess I do hug her harder than my other co-workers; she lost her mom (and her only parent) last year, so I have a natural instinct to look out for her and to basically be softer and more caring, even protective, around her.

In detail…did you like this survey? It was fun, thanks!

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corruptimles · 4 years

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lost the link to the context but you know

#or at least late stream watchers know what's up #bendy the dancing demon #batim #henry stein #sammy lawrence #bendy and the ink machine #the projectionist #norman polk #team sillyvision au #low quality memeing #debated drawing sammy w or w/o mask #figured it doesnt matter this is a dumb joke #stream art #i dont have a drawing tag #sillyvision comic

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strifesolution · 2 years

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Ooh, what is the production au? What is producer!grian, if you don't mind me asking?

Okay, so, for clarification, "Producer Grian" is Grian specifically, Production AU is the name of the AU as a whole. Grian is the main focus of it, so he gets a specific tag.

I'm gonna try to summarize here, but basically, it's an AU where 3rd Life and Last Life exist as series in-universe. They're live streamed weekly across other servers, with all SMPs canon in the world.

Grian has a bit of a god complex, and gets in contact with a group of "Show Producers." Various admins, powerful players, gods, you name it. they're people who want to create entertainment for Minecraftia. Stuff like MCC can only get so intense when everyone watching knows it's just for fun.

i've retconned some old lore to make this "group" the Watchers canon in Last Life.

Grian pitches his premise for 3rd Life to the Executives, and they eat it right up. They bring Grian on the team as Head Producer. Though he has none of the powers they have (again, they're Watchers), he's called one. It is, however, only a title.

Though it was his idea in the first place, he ends up getting very manipulated into working on the game. The rules become deadly against his wishes, and he's directed to find players to be on the roster, AKA his own friends, who he has to lie to to convince them to join.

As for "He was only ever meant to watch." I've also done a little retconning on this. Grian was originally meant to be on the outside, but late into planning begged the Watchers to let him join as a player. He realized he couldn't back out of the series going as a whole without repercussions, but wanted to at least be there with his friends. They obliged.

To clarify, the Watchers/other Producers are greedy, bloodthirsty, capitalist bastards. They want the show to be popular and engaging so people throughout Minecraftia enjoy it, despite its players suffering. This is why I draw Watchers in formal clothing. They're a representation of entertainment at the cost of humanity

After the lore from Last Life, and Martyn saying he likes the idea of Watchers representing the literal viewers, us, I feel this AU only makes more sense.

Here's my playlist for the AU

Here's some fics that have been written

And here's the tag again

I hope this is a good summery! i'm a bit slow to answer them, but please feel free to send asks, i love talking about it! :D

#ask #3rd life smp #last life smp #production!au #producer!grian #grian #mcyt

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mojave-pete · 3 years

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What Would It Take to Convince You The Election Was Rigged?

By AL PERROTTA Published on November 10, 2020 • 2 Comments

Al Perrotta

Yesterday I laid out, with the help of the BBC and State Department, the six signs to look for when determining if an election was stolen.

There is some indisputable evidence — and many very suggestive indications — that each of those conditions for concluding fraud in this election has been met. But many still refuse to even entertain the idea that this election was as crooked as a witch’s nose. After she’s been in 100 MMA fights. And fell from her broom flat onto her face.

The media and Big Tech sensors are working overtime to crush the evidence. So a lot of people don’t even know what is being alleged in sworn affidavits. I desperately want to believe that people, if presented the evidence, will accept it. Or at the very least be open to it, awaiting further confirmation. Please tell me my belief is not unfounded.

But before we get there, I want to ask a simple question:

Remember that a) lying in a sworn affidavit to a court is a crime. And b) doing anything that is seen as helping Trump will subject you to all manner of hell. In light of that, do you believe the countless witnesses who now have sworn to seeing illegal activity leading up to and through the election would lie?

Would Any of This Be Right?

Now, for those fair-minded people who support Biden, may I ask a few questions? Do you believe

It would be wrong for election supervisors to coach workers to correct mail-in ballots for Biden, but not for Trump?

That it would also be wrong for election workers to coach voters to vote for Biden and Democrats, and follow them to the ballot station?

It would be wrong for poll workers to go out to a Biden-Harris van in the middle of the night and fill out ballots?

That it would be likewise wrong for poll workers to fill in the names of people who hadn’t yet voted when a “voter” comes in who is not on the voter rolls?

It’s wrong for poll workers to ignore matching signature requirements?

That it’s wrong for counting centers to keep Republican poll watchers from observing hundreds of thousands of mail-in ballots?

It was wrong for Philadelphia Democrats to ignore a court order that demanded poll watchers have their rightful access?

That it’s wrong for a Democratic- controlled ballot-counting center Fulton County, Georgia to tell GOP observers they were done counting for the night … then resume counting the minute the observers left?

It was wrong for Nevada voting officials to fabricate proof of residence data for non-eligible voters?

That it was likewise wrong for postal supervisors in several states to order workers to post-date late arriving ballots, so it would falsely appear they arrived on time?

It is wrong to cast ballots using the dead?

That it is wrong to count ballots from people ineligible to vote in a particular state?

It is wrong for a state supreme court to ignore state law and the U.S. constitution to change the voting rules right before an election? Rules guaranteed to make the process more susceptible to fraud?

Each of those statements is asserted in 131 sworn affidavits from poll workers, poll watchers and whistleblowers or happened in broad daylight.

Please Support The Stream

: Equipping Christians to Think Clearly About the Political, Economic and Moral Issues of Our Day.

So please answer me honestly: How many of these wrongs laid out in lawsuits are you willing to outright dismiss? Doesn’t fairness dictate you at least listen to what these people have to say? How many people must swear under penalty of imprisonment for perjury before you acknowledge the vote tallies are horribly tarnished?

Would Any of This Be Suspicious?

Now, my Biden-supporting (or Trump-hating) friends, can we do a little gut check? Aren’t you a little bit queasy about …

Tens of thousands of ballots suddenly appearing from out-of-state with only the presidential race filled out … and all filled out for Joe Biden?

Hundreds of thousands of votes popping up overnight election night … after the inexplicable halt in counting … in some places, 100% for Joe Biden?

Philadelphia, a city notorious for election fraud, absolutely refusing to let Republican observers anywhere near the people handling mail-in ballots?

In several states, piles of Trump votes suddenly getting taken from him, then the same exact number suddenly popping up for Biden?

Dominion, the company behind the election system used in these states, being connected to the Clinton Foundation and George Soros?

Dozens of states accepting Dominion’s system, despite its security weaknesses being so evident that Texas rejected it three times?

The Associated Press reporting just last year that Dominion and its sister companies “had long skimped on security in favor of convenience and operated under a shroud of financial and operational secrecy despite their critical role in elections.”

Lindsay Graham’s report on evidence of a ballot harvesting operation at Pennsylvania nursing homes which could have netted Biden 25,000 votes? (Ballot harvesting is illegal in Pennsylvania.)

Biden vote totals in specific swing cities … and nowhere else … exceeding Obama’s by up to 40%?

Vote tallies for Biden in Milwaukee exceeding Obama’s 2008 landslide … despite Milwaukee having fewer people than it did in 2008? (And despite Donald Trump greatly increasing his share of the minority vote.)

Joe Biden underperforming Hillary Clinton almost everywhere … except in a couple crucial swing state cities … and only after counting in those states was halted?

Joe Biden handily losing bell-weather states Florida and Ohio, but somehow defying history and won? This despite very little campaigning, a non-existent ground game, and a campaign message that ran counter to the economic interests of the American people.

Honesty is the Path to Unity

Yes, it is possible a good percentage of people could go, “I don’t care. Orange Man Bad.” But I want to believe that a majority of Biden voters will be honest enough to check their dislike of Trump long enough to acknowledge the reality of all the smoke, and the possibility of fire.

That they would rather have an honest count of legitimate — and only legitimate — votes. And they would want to see those who have committed fraud punished.

I hope they agree that the only path to re-unifying the country is the assurance of an honest count. And it is worth a few weeks of time to check it all out.

Even if Orange Man is Bad, a Stolen Election is far, far worse.

Al Perrotta is the Managing Editor of The Stream and co-author, with @JZmirak, of The Politically Incorrect Guide to Immigration. You can follow him at @StreamingAl. And if you aren’t already, please follow The Stream at @Streamdotorg.

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incarnateirony · 3 years

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To the people silently asking, “does me just... not streaming the show actually do anything?”

Answer: Yes, ESPECIALLY if you apply it to ALL of their shows.

You’re not here to punish Just Supernatural. In fact, you’re probably not here to punish SPN itself at all, as most people are aware this is the NETWORK and not the CREATIVES. That means you have to send a message to the NETWORK. That’s why we’re also working with, say, parts of Supergirl fandom, or pointing out what they did to the Black Lightning crew, and more. Hell, it’s too late for like the 100 fandom, or clexa, but maybe if we turn up the heat enough, Supercorp will stop getting treated like shit because they’ll want to turn around their image and go OH LOOK AT US BEING PROGRESSIVE FOR REAL NOW to save face. But that also requires Supercorp fans onboarding this with equal dedication to the 90K+ people in the last few waves that were righteously hot about SPN -- now, not only after it does or doesn’t affect them personally. Because ironically, right now, it does affect them personally.

But SPN, for example, topped the global list in digital calls since about S11, running in a similar category to Grey’s Anatomy and Game of Thrones. About half the list are CW products, because at the end, they don’t care about live, and here’s why.

Digital calls include, but are not limited to: official hashtags, and digital streaming services. This can range from buying Amazon passes to a season to watch live, to using Netflix to stream already uploaded content.

FWIW, early S15 was shattering records it hadn’t seen in years in its SVOD and digital calls. Meaning it was positioned, early, especially with the early netflix upload, to hop forward on that top 20 digital list again. But it’ll be a while before we get the report, and I’m interested to see if it, and other CW shows, can be punted off the list.

Are you one of those people that casually put on SPN while you clean the house or whatever? Hell, are you one of those people that do pretty much sequential binge watches, maybe 30 episodes a week? Knock those out. That’s 30 digital calls they lose, not counting the drop in hashtags. Now do that for a few months. Suddenly that’s 300 digital calls they’ve lost. Now get 10 friends to do it. That’s 3000 digital calls they’ve lost.

For example, during the year of S12, there were 891,364,902~ digital calls for SPN. So let’s say we get 1,000 career binge watchers to stop for the next 3 months. That’s - 360000 digital calls on their streaming calls alone (again, not including hash trends and the like.) So you’ve just knocked off everything beneath the millions alone, and those are DIRECTLY going to hit their streaming services they have to shop the product to.

How many hash tags did you use usually? Knock those calls out too. How many of your friends that watched more like 3 episodes a week can you find and get to stop doing this? Maybe another 10,000 people that more fit that bill get on board? Oop there’s another 360000 calls. Let’s assume everyone used about proportionate hashtags. 360000, 360000 again. Oh, shit, so suddenly, off of the simple rebellion of *not watching this show on any streaming service*, you’ve knocked out a few *million* digital calls. Add in the more casual loss of people not using it to stream live and they’re going to even lose that whole like, 40K active accounts monthly on twitter alone that maybe spammed 10 tags a week. Oh, there goes another 400,000... weekly... times that maybe 3 months... another 4,800,000 out the door easily.

What about the passive GA that felt burned by that ending? Cuz they ARE out there. How many of them are going to move on their interests and just wait for nostalgia to come around later?

You see how quickly this stacks? Especially when you also won’t buy their swag or watch live either, even if live is their secondary interest? What are we at in only one quarter of the year now? Like them losing about 7 million? Okay and if that was the full year reports come in? 28 million? Without even calculating in the GA that felt whacked off by this? And with us being extremely conservative on how wide this reach will get? And hitting them ONLY on SPN?

SomethingtoSay and TheySilencedYou got almost 100K tweets. The #MissingSupernatural sad trombone got 2K, despite the “related interests” trend push and the blurb to try to catch attention and tell us all how sad we should be. I’m going to need someone to think about that.

They have to individually shop products around since the Netflix deal broke. That’s WHY in some countries SPN has bounced between Netflix and Amazon often. With their shit-shows it’s a matter of convincing platforms to stream. With their big ones that are streaming wonders, it’s a boon to them, because biggest bidder scenario. What people think will bring them to their platform.

If you only use a streaming service for CW shows? Cancel it, use the little reason box to clarify exactly why. Let them know those products aren’t worth as much anymore. Let them know loudly. They’ll buy it for less and less historically, which again, hits the CW right in the money maker. Suddenly it’s not a competition for this property and they won’t be racing for it the same way.

Do that for *all* their shows. Imagine mirroring that on like 4 shows. That alone slams them with a loss of like, over a hundred million digital calls. Jazz fucking hands. Do you know what that does to a network who’s entire strategy is to shove shit TV out on digital and wait for it to catch fire?

Yes, it helps. And it takes negative effort.

Cancelling your netflix or whatever -- in just a few months of casual savings you’ll have enough to buy at least half the DVDs pre-owned. Start with your favorite seasons and by the time you’re done with those, you’ll be able to get the others off the same income save.

I’ve already cancelled my Netflix and told them why. Have you?

#somethingtosay #eileen #saileen #disability #end erasure #enderasure #destiel #black lightning #supergirl #supercorp #clexa #theysilencedyou #rancidnutwork #rancid nutwork #the 100

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mostlyfate · 2 years

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Hello! Are you fluent in Japanese or do you need eng subs like I do? T-T I've been desperate to stay up to date on my current fave jdramas: koi desu: yankee kun to hakujou garu, konin todoke ni han, and kieta hatsukoi but dramacool doesn't seem to update on a schedule(?). Do you happen to know of any streaming sites that update quickly with eng subs?

Hi! No, I am not fluent in Japanese and do rely on English Subtitles as well. Since you're mentioning a site like dr*macool it seems like you're not aware that all those Jdramas you mentioned are actually being fansubbed by actual people who are watching them.

If you're a Jdrama watcher I feel like one thing you should know is that most aren't available with English subtitles and are projects picked up by Subbers. Sites like dr*macool are ones that steal from those who provide them for free for others to enjoy. Those who are subbing can’t get them out asap so if you’re waiting right after an episode has aired to watch it isn’t possible. Subbing from what I’ve seen takes A LOT of time, work, and effort.

I don’t want it to feel like I’m giving a lecture/rant about this but lately I’ve been seeing more Subbers getting their subs taken and negativity when they try to tell others that the least they can do is get subs or watch from where they posted. Like I’m even mad and annoyed for them. The audacity of these people and their mindsets. To echo what I have already said in a previous ask about subtitles: It’s all thanks to those who choose to sub them! Like people taking time out of their day to do this for free? To share these series with others? Amazing. Forever grateful! Also please do support the original subbers and not those sites who steal them.

Okay now that my not lecture/rant is over... I’ll point you to the fansubbers who are the ones actually doing all of the work. And if you have any questions on how to watch with subs being provided and where to get episodes from please feel free to send another ask (i promise i probably won’t go on another rant 😄).

Koi Desu: Yankee-kun to Hakujou garu: is being subbed by https://twitter.com/mikilove13fs!

Konin Todoke ni Han wo Oshita dake desu ga: is being subbed by https://twitter.com/machikomomo14!

Kieta Hatsukoi (as far as I know): is being subbed by the team of https://kietahatsukoisub.carrd.co/ and also by https://mis-snow-man.livejournal.com/280682.html!

#ask #jdrama #hope this didnt come off as rude or anything just trying to let ya know...#😅#some comments i've seen on MDL regarding this makes my blood boil... i wanna fight 🥲

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dreamingkelz · 3 years

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Since this is apparently in the discourse right now, imma say, let’s go.

MCC14 was scuffed. Beyond scuffed. And unfortunately, it was scuffed in such a way that there was an easily-identifiable ‘villain,’ in this case, Scott and, by extension, his team. Scott winning Ace Race by the margin he did very much made it look like he benefitted from insider information while everyone else was screwed over by a lack of it (regardless of whether this is true). Everything else that the Aqua Axolotls did, up to and including winning the event, added fuel to that fire. Which is not great, especially in a fanbase as volatile as this one. No one on that team deserved the hate they received. It is just a game. And a game for funsies at that. I guarantee that, had the Ace Race fiasco not happened, nobody would have given a crap about Hbomb phasing through walls in Hole in the Wall, but alas, Ace Race did happen, and emotions were high after that event.

People were mad already. Did Dream, Sapnap, and Punz (and George???) fan the flames with their post-game stream? Maybe. For me, it was cathartic. Like, ‘hey, that event sure was scuffed. Let’s laugh and take the piss out of it.’ I suppose it wasn’t all-around professional, but it did make me feel a little less frustrated, at least. Obviously, not everyone is going to take it in the same way.

Regardless, I’m seeing takes that say Dream and Sapnap should be banned from the event for awhile, which seems a bit far, imo. They weren’t inciting people to go after Scott and Hbomb, at least from what I saw (I watched Punz’s perspective and came in a little late, admittedly). And at least one of the takes I remember, “how did Scott not think testing the map beforehand could be a problem,” is valid criticism. From what I saw, the people involved were careful to indicate that the biggest problems came from a lapse in judgment and not from any act of malice, and regularly reminded people not to send hate. You could say it was irresponsible to say negative things about the event when impressionable eyes were watching, but they were hardly the only ccs complaining even if they were complaining the loudest. And I have no doubts that, even if they hadn’t done that post-game stream, people still would have gone after Scott and Hbomb.

I couldn’t imagine ever sending hate towards a cc (let alone talking to them, lol), but I know I was frustrated well before I even found out about the post-game stream. I was combing the MCC tag, just looking for someone to confirm that my feelings were valid, and it was, admittedly, weird seeing everyone being so silly after the event (”If Philza jumped off a bridge would you? Yes, apparently.”). In retrospect, the perspective you watched really colored your mood post-event. (I watched four different perspectives in the end. If I had watched Pink Parrots or Cyan Creepers live, I would have been a lot less heated than I was watching Green Guardians, or would have been even with the Red Rabbits).

That being said, I think banning Dream and Sapnap from the event would make things way worse than they’ve already been. If the fanbase is willing to go after people for such minor slights as a game being scuffed, imagine what would happen if they were actually banned (and why just Dream and Sapnap? At the very least, Punz was in there too). I know it’s not great to say ‘this person is too powerful to be punished in any meaningful way,’ but I imagine in this case, if noxcrew wanted to handle the situation, it would best be left to happen out of the public eye. Fans do make controversy all the worse.

Lastly, the post I’m seeing cites being ‘too competitive’ as a reason to ban them, which feels really shitty. From the vods I’ve seen, I haven’t seen Dream, at least, being overtly toxic towards his teammates (though I am limited to only two vods. I’m mostly a Quackity watcher). I can’t really speak for Sapnap, but it seems like, with the team-building, Dream is treated as someone who is going to carry his team. But since he’s not an amazing team leader, he struggles to do so a lot of the time. That seems reasonable to me. Punishing people for less-than-flawless leadership skills seems like a shitty thing to do. As long as they’re not actively creating a hostile environment, it should be fine. And from Scott’s ‘How I build the teams video,’ one of the questions on the sign-up sheet asks how competitive you are, implying Dream and Sapnap are not the only competitive people in the event. And yet, here we are.

I don’t know. Are Dream and Sapnap a little toxic? Sure, I guess? Is what happened to Hbomb and Scott shitty? Absolutely. But I don’t think there’s anything here to be punished for, and to do so would absolutely make things worse than they already are. I’m hoping we can just move forward and have a perfectly lovely MCC15.

#MCC #I've been on a major MCC kick lately #So I've been watching a lot of vods #MCC14 seemed uniquely scuffed #But I think 15 will be much better #Anyway - it's late and I saw a take that frustrated me #so I thought the appropriate response was to write an essay #Now I know how sports fans feel lol #Also no hate to anyone mentioned here #I quite like all of the creators invovled #it is a good thing to have different playstyles in the event imo #i'm also incredibly competitive #which really colors my perspective

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movie-magic · 3 years

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Everything to know about the ‘Game of Thrones’ prequel ‘House of the Dragon’

Will fan disappointment over the final season of “Game of Thrones” subsided enough by 2022 that the world will be ready to return to Westeros? HBO is banking on that outcome. The cable network has a “Game of Thrones” prequel series called “House of the Dragon” in production now.

“House of the Dragon” will expand the world of the megahit fantasy series, telling a story about the golden-haired, dragon-riding royals of House Targaryen – the family that produced Daenerys Targaryen (Emilia Clarke) and Jon Snow (Kit Harington) – centuries before the events of “Game of Thrones.” It’s based on “Fire & Blood,” a novel by George R.R. Martin that was written as a companion to his “A Song of Ice and Fire” series. The first season will be 10 episodes long. It’s the first project to make it to series out of a number of “Game of Thrones” spin-offs HBO has in development. Back in 2019, HBO actually shot a pilot for a “Game of Thrones” prequel set to star Naomi Watts. But the network decided not to move forward with that one. The day the series was scrapped, “House of the Dragon” was announced.

When does ‘House of the Dragon’ premiere?

“House of the Dragon” will start airing on HBO and streaming on HBO Max in 2022. No specific premiere date has been set yet. The show recently began production in Cornwall, England, according to Watchers on the Wall, and will also film in London, Spain, and California, per Productionlist.

Who’s in the ‘House of the Dragon’ cast?

The prequel has a strong cast with a higher number of recognizable names than “Game of Thrones” had in Season 1. HBO has announced much of the show’s main cast already.

Paddy Considine – who’s most recently known for “The Outsider” but to us will always be the dad from Jim Sheridan’s “In America” – will play King Viserys Targaryen, a good man whose decency makes him perhaps ill-suited for the task of ruling Westeros. He was chosen by the Great Council of the lords of Westeros to be the king after his grandfather Jaeharys Targaryn died.

“Sound of Metal” star Olivia Cooke plays Alicent Hightower, the beautiful, politically adept, and ambitious daughter of Otto Hightower (“Notting Hill” actor Rhys Ifans), the Hand of the King.

Emma D’arcy (Amazon’s short-lived horror-comedy “Truth Seekers”) plays Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen. Rhaenyra is the king’s first born, but she’s not a man, so the Iron Throne is not her birthright — even though she has pure Valyrian blood and is a dragonrider.

“The Crown” and “Doctor Who” star Matt Smith will play Prince Daemon Targaryen, King Viserys’ younger brother and the heir to the throne. He’s a dragonrider and a brave warrior, but he’s unstable and has a cruel streak a mile wide. Otto Hightower really, really doesn’t want him to be next in line.

“Doctor Who” actor Steve Toussaint is Lord Corlys Velaryon, also known as “the Sea Snake.” He’s leader of House Velaryon, a rival house to House Targaryen, and the greatest seaman in the history of Westeros. He’s married to Princess Rhaenys Velaryon (“Nurse Jackie” co-star Eve Best), a Targaryen dragonrider who was passed over by the Great Council for the monarchy in favor of her cousin Viserys because he’s a man and she isn’t.

“Ex Machina” actress Sonoya Mizuno plays Mysaria, a former slave who has worked her way up to becoming Prince Daemon’s most trusted advisor.

And “The Serpent” star Fabien Frankel will play Ser Criston Cole, a common-born Dornish swordsman (remember Dorne? That’s where Oberyn Martell [Pedro Pascal] was from). He’s climbing his way up in the Westerosi social order thanks to his skill with the blade. Later, he’s known as “Criston the Kingmaker” after he plays a pivotal role in one of the story’s most important moments, according to Inverse.

Who’s working behind the scenes?

“House of the Dragon” is co-created by “A Song of Ice and Fire” and “Blood & Fire” author George R.R. Martin and Ryan Condal, previously best known for creating the sci-fi series “Colony.”

Condal and Miguel Sapochnik – director of some of “Game of Thrones’” biggest episodes, including “Hardhome,” “The Battle of the Bastards,” and “The Long Night” – will be co-showrunners. Along with Martin, Condal, and Sapochnik, executive producers include Vince Gerardis, Ron Schmidt, and writer Sara Lee Hess.

Sapochnik will direct the pilot and additional episodes. Other directors include Clare Kilner, Geeta V. Patel, and Greg Yaitanes, the latter of whom also gets a co-executive producer credit. According to Insider, the show’s writing staff reportedly includes “Colony” writer Wes Tooke, “Watchmen” writer Claire Kiechel, and Ti Mikkel, who has worked as Martin’s writer’s assistant.

“Game of Thrones” and “Westworld” composer Ramin Djawadi will provide the score.

What will ‘House of the Dragon’ be about?

“House of the Dragon” is set 300 years before the events of “Game of Thrones” and “tells the story of House Targaryen,” according to HBO’s simple plot description. More specifically, it’s about a period of internal strife in House Targaryen that set the table for the house’s decline, which was complete by the time of “Game of Thrones.”

“Fire & Blood” is a faux-history book covering the reigns of many Targaryen monarchs, and “House of the Dragon” seems to be adapting only one section, which is about the reign of King Viserys I and the Targaryen civil war called the “Dance of Dragons.” At the start of the story, Viserys has no male heir, so the Targaryen next in line for the Iron Throne is his brother Daemon, who has inherited the infamous Targaryen madness (“It is said that whenever a Targaryen is born, the gods toss a coin in the air…”). Viserys doesn’t want Daemon to be king, he wants his daughter, Rhaenyra. When Viserys officially names her as his successor, it leads to infighting and backstabbing that over the course of years develops into the “Dance of Dragons,” where Rhaenyra fights her half-brother Aegon II – Viserys’ son with his second wife, Alicent Hightower – for the throne. But that comes later, and Aegon hasn’t been cast yet. Season 1 will likely be a lot of setting up of the larger conflict to come, like Season 1 of “Thrones” was.

Will there be dragons in the ‘House of the Dragon’?

You know it! In fact, there will probably be even more dragons than there were on “Game of Thrones,” because dragons had not yet gone extinct and all the great Targaryens had a fire-breather of their own.

On the show, there will likely be at least four: Daemon’s Caraxes, known as “the Blood Wyrm” for his red color and fearsomeness; Rhaenyra’s Syrax; Rhaenys’ Meleys, one of the fastest dragons in Westeros; and Aegon’s golden dragon Sunfyre. And there will probably be more as the series goes on and the Dance of Dragons begins.

HBO released some dragon concept art last year. The “House of the Dragon” dragons seem like they’ll look a little different than their “Game of Thrones” counterparts – a little sleeker and more colorful, if this concept art holds true.

Will Travis Fimmel be in the ‘House of the Dragon’?

Fans of “Vikings” were ecstatic last year when a rumor emerged that Travis Fimmel – best known for his role as Norse hero Ragnar Lothbrok on History and Amazon’s beloved historical drama – was being considered for the role of Daemon Targaryen. However, that rumor didn’t pan out, as Matt Smith is playing Daemon. Travis Fimmel is currently on another HBO Max show, the weird sci-fi series “Raised by Wolves.”

Who will play Daemon Targaryen in the ‘House of the Dragon’?

Daemon Targaryen, a fan-favorite character from “Fire & Blood” due to his swaggering, swashbuckling time spent away from King’s Landing forging his own destiny after being denied by his brother Viserys, will be played by Matt Smith, an actor already well-known to audiences for his roles in two British institutions.

Smith played the Eleventh Doctor on the long-running science fiction series “Doctor Who” from 2010 to 2013. He’s the youngest Doctor ever. He’s also known for playing Prince Philip in the first two seasons of “The Crown.”

As the Doctor, he was famous for his swoopy brown hair, so it’s quite striking to see him with his blond Targaryen wig.

How did Daemon Targaryen die?

Spoiler warning! In “Fire & Blood,” Daemon met his end during a dragon battle at Harrenhal, a castle that appeared many times on “Game of Thrones,” including the time Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) saved Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie) from the bear pit.

During the Dance of Dragons, Daemon flew to Harrenhal on Caraxes, and waited for his nephew Aemond, Viserys and Alicent’s second son, to come fight him. Aemond showed up with his tremendously powerful dragon Vhagar, and they had a spectacular aerial fight that ended with the deaths of all four participants when the dragons plummeted from the sky into the Gods Eye lake. No one could have survived a crash of such speed and force, but Daemon’s body was never recovered, so there are stories that he survived and went to live out his days in peace elsewhere.

Some version of this fight will probably happen on “House of the Dragon,” but not until late in the show.

- Gold Derby

#game of thrones #house of the dragon #got #hbo #matt smith #emilia clarke #prequel #movie magic

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norealdestination · 4 years

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No one from Nowhere (1/?)

Finally caved and wrote this sad Stressed boy OC that has been rattling his cage forever. inspired by the stream of LC OC’s that @sparklecryptid and @secret-engima have been pouring from their skulls. sorry if this is garbage but I haven’t written anything serious in years

Mors’ Bastard OC

Name: Miles Nemo [Neh-moh] Graucus Lucis Caelum

Dark haired, grey eyed. Male. Older than Regis by 9 years.

Mother was a loyalist who handed him over to Mors. He was named Miles (soldier) and secretly raised and trained to serve the trueborn heir by Mors and Lord Amicitia. Miles did not have a very nice childhood, but proved magically powerful and talented. He also bears quite a few scars from his child soldier training. (when Cor came along, Mors already had plenty of practice)

Never verbally acknowledged as Mors’ son, but in classified Kings-Eyes-Only files there are medical and progress reports that record their relation.(this may come in later)

Though Miles was desperately loyal, Mors eventually realized that Regis could never be trusted with the knowledge or use of his older brother servant, the crown prince was much too soft would love him too much, would trust him too much. So when Regis was about 10 and Miles 19, Mors magically “gagged” his eldest from any claim to the throne or royal kin and banished him from Insomnia, with the clothes on his back and little else to his name.

Miles renamed himself Nemo (No one) and returned to his mother’s family, House Graucus, or what’s left of it. His granduncle owned a run down farm out on the edge of a tiny town in the boonies of Duscae and gave it to him to live on. Out of sight out of mind.

Run down is a generous description, but cleaning it up gives him something to do so he doesn’t have to think . Since it’s an out of the way property in the middle of nowhere, he experiments with his magic in his free time. Nemo has no other skills but fighting and is kind of lost with no structure to his life, so he makes structure. He fights daemons at night and depression naps during the day between clean up spurts. Gets pretty good and very subtle with his magic. Eventually he weaves a nearly imperceivable anti-daemon warding around the borders of his farm.

The first night he lies awake in bed, with no daemons trying to claw their way inside, the silence is suffocating or maybe that’s just the heavy bitter seal in his mouth. He spends the rest of the night pretending the junk in the fields are daemons and disintegrates them with prejudice.

Clearing the land takes time for one person even with magic. But Nemo has nothing and no one but time.

No he’s not bitter.

Cleaning the up the farm lets a lot of wild flowers grow back in the new space, and soon there are a lot of bees. A Lot of bees. In fact a swarm of bees has invaded his porch.

On one of Nemo’s rare visits to the tiny nowhere town, he actually talks to the man he buys his produce from for the first time. About the bees. It’s a LOT of bees. He has to keep using the back window to get into his own house. Please help.

Taking pity on this hapless city boy, the farmer (Jeth, apparantly) helps him set up a hive and catch the swarm that has claimed his house. Jeth, seeing the Huge field of wildflowers, hints that he wouldn’t mind the first batch of honey from the hive if Nemo can manage to harvest it, and donates some old equipment from his own farm.

It’s...a learning process, but Nemo eventually becomes the local bee keeper of Graucus Farm. It takes time, but Nemo has nothing but time.

The first honey is almost sweet enough to banish the sharp bitter taste he’s been carrying in his mouth since the day that Father-, and smells like standing in the middle of his field at night under the stars. Jeth finds a jar of honey on his own porch with a dried wildflower on the cover, stuck with a beeswax seal. There’s a terse handwritten note of thanks under the jar, but Jeth has come to find that’s just Nemo’s way.

A few years pass. Nemo has planted a couple of flowering herb patches on Jeth’s recommendation, and planted hives in them for when the swarming season comes. At night he weaves wards over the hives, protection and calm, until he can check the well-being of a hive at a glance. The smell of flowers and the soft hum of the hives lulls him to sleep at night, and he feels like maybe one day he’ll be fine.

After a while he has more honey and herbs than he can sell or give away locally in his tiny nowhere town. Jeth asks if he’s ever heard of mead. He hasn’t but the local barflies are enthusiastically supportive and Nemo ends up with a distillery set up in his shed. Every town visit has the locals asking about how it’s going, and well, it’s certainly going that stain on the shed ceiling will never come out. But more and more of them know the reclusive beekeeper by name and it’s.not...bad.

It’s a process, (and if he quietly experiments with infusing his honey, herbs, and mead with magic...) but Nemo has nothing but time.

He lets Jeth have a taste of his first good batch, a bottle with a dried wildflower pressed into the hand written label made for him by Falx, the owner of the bar. Graucus Farm Wildflower Mead. A little silver bee stamped in the middle. Nemo takes the rest of the barrel down to the local bar as a thankyou to the rest of the town. Falx made him his own seat in a quiet corner of the bar. The mead is sweet and floral on the nose, with a dry bite at the end, and it almost disguises the bitter weight on back of his tongue. The old tv on the wall celebrates the Crown Prince’s 18th birthday. Nemo is 27 as he drowns old wishes and nightmares in mead.

One night when Nemo goes out to his shed to check on his latest batch of wildflower mead, he finds a half-dead hunter bleeding all over his lavender. There’s a bloody trail carved through his flowers all the way to the broken fence on the border of his farm. Daemons wander and search in confusion beyond the buzzing of his wards, but cannot find their prey.

He may or may not heal her up with “salves” and “tinctures” (not potions, what would a humble beekeeper in the middle of nowhere be doing with potions) made from his Perfectly Normal herbs and honey and then in the morning puts her to work cleaning up his ruined lavender. Then he feeds her a late lunch, reverse pickpockets one of his many, many jars of honey into the hunter’s pack and kicks her out.

Nemo doesn’t expect to see her again, but she comes back a few months later. With friends. Who are bleeding all over his sage.

Nemo is not a bed&breakfast clinic, he would have you know.

This happens a few more times as his bee farm becomes known to the local hunters as a safe place to stay and recover, (for some strange reason daemons avoid the place like it doesn’t exist. might be the big magical Fuck Off sign Nemo made years ago) and the honey, salves, and tinctures seem to have real rejuvenating qualities. He’s not quite a witch, but the hunters think he might be some kind of green mage. Nemo is not.

Nemo gets so fed up with these hunters (and one repeat offender in particular, she has to be doing on purpose, Astrals know why) that he complains to the Auburnries and tells them to get their hunters Off His Lawn. Instead he gets a caravan set up just within his property line. The Meladico Hunters HQ even pays him rent and a little extra to keep it stocked. He sulks about it a bit, but stocks the caravan with mead and not-potions so they’ll stop trying to come up to the house and trampling his flowers and disturbing his bees. His mead becomes quite popular with the hunters, and they keep on their best behavior, lest the green mage curse them. Nemo is Not a green mage.

That cuts down on the amount of trespassers by 99%. That one particular hunter insists on seeing the (very fetching in her opinion) bee keeping witch personally whenever she gets a booboo. And if she says she stomped one of his flower bushes on the way in, well it gives her a reason to stay and “apologize” to him don’t it? Nemo shouldn’t find this charming, but somehow he does.

Some of her hunter friends think she’s nuts and are worried she’ll get herself cursed. Instead Dacia eventually gets herself a husband.

Nemo gets married, though he couldn’t tell you how it happened. Old Jeth is his best man, and the hunter that trampled through his flowers is his wife. The wedding is attended by nearly the entire town and his wife’s hunter friends. It’s loud and bright, and Nemo is hugged by everyone he knows at least twice.

His Granduncle does not come (travel is unkind to his joints), but sends an orange sapling as a wedding gift. Nemo is startled to see it signed for Miles & Audacia Graucus. No one in his nowhere town knows him as Miles, and it’s jarring to see it again. He pretends he’s not terrified that someone draped in royal black will come as if summoned by his deadname. He pretends he’s not somehow still hurt when the night passes with no sign of acknowledgment from the crown, after all, it’s not like he sent...that man an invitation.

Nemo always thought that even though he had been banished, Mors might have kept watchers on him. He had half-expected a threat of some kind delivered among the wedding gifts, a reminder to stay in his lane and not get ideas above his station. But it is almost worse to find that Mors has decided to forget about him entirely. That he meant so little in the end as to not even merit a warning.

He sends a message reminding his granduncle of his name change not that he even has any papers to begin with in the thank you letter, and plants the orange sapling in the empty space between the house and the brewing shed. Nemo wishes he could bury Miles and all of his twisted feelings in the ground along with it.

It’s strange to be married. His Dacia comes and goes with her work and his house is becoming a home. It takes getting used to. Jeth reminds him that it’s a process, just like life. It takes time and no little effort, but Nemo has someone and not as much time as he used to, and it’s...good.

Eventually, just as the young orange tree starts throwing blossoms, they have a baby. She is the most beautiful thing Nemo has ever seen, and when he holds her for the first time, their magic sparks between them in a way he’s never experienced in all his life. Warm and Safe and Loved. The way family was meant to be. He cries harder than he has ever cried before or since. He names her Kara. Precious. Beloved. So she never ever doubts.

The day of his daughter’s birth is the day the boy who still loved Mors, in spite of everything, finally dies.

He’s free of Miles. And a bit angry. Nemo makes a trip to his mother’s grave on the main family property and pours a bottle of mead over the headstone. They never had contact after she handed him over, and granduncle doesn’t talk much about her. She died a few years before he was banished, so Nemo supposes she was at least spared the shame of it. Both he and Dacia only had to hold their daughter once and knew that they would never have given her away to anyone. He never knew his mother or her circumstances but he finally cuts her out of his heart too and walks away.

Eventually he stops being angry. There’s literally no time with a baby and a wife and friends on top of the honey, herbs, mead, and caravan.

Eventually Prince Regis goes on his pilgrimage. Nemo holds his breath as news of the retinue’s approach trickles in from the hunters. He sends Dacia off to Lestallum to visit her parents with Kara just in case. The prince bypasses their little nowhere town and Nemo can breathe again.

Eventually there is a death and then a coronation. Nemo brings his best cask of mead to the town bar to watch it commence on the old tv and is not bitter. Everyone else in the bar is drunk and joyful. No one much liked Mors, Astrals rest him and so forth, and Regis at 23, seems more personable at least. But the new King is a son of Mors, and Nemo doesn’t trust that smile as far as the horizon goes. After all, he too knows what it means to be a son of Mors, and there was never any room for love in it.

Nemo is quiet sitting in his booth, swirling his glass. He’s the only one at the bar and probably most of Lucis who actually has an inkling of what this truly means for the young king. Even in the tv broadcast on a shitty tv, the ring flickers menacingly at him in the sunlight. Nemo wonders if Regis has felt its teeth before the day of their father’s passing. Perhaps there is no room for love under Mors’ shadow, but there is room for pity.

He toasts his would be master little brother’s image on the screen and thinks, better you than me. The mead is floral on the nose and goes down smooth and sweet, and Nemo is not bitter. Long live the King.

Regis is not King for more than a week when the Restricted Access files become known to him.

In those files meant for the King’s Eyes Only, Regis finds a brother.

#No one from nowhere #ffxv oc #what the heck am i doing #mors bastard au #lc bastard oc #sparklecryptid #secret-engima #My writing #OC #My fic

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ryanjdonovan · 3 years

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DONOVAN’S OSCAR PROGNOSTICATION 2021

We all knew it was coming: The Oscar nominees are now almost literally handpicked by Netflix and Amazon. We thought it would be a few years away, but it's just one more piece of fallout from the pandemic. It won't be long now before I'm making my predictions for the Flixies or the Amazies. (By the way, streamers: I just want to watch the friggin' credits, why is that such a problem??)

In case you haven't been paying attention (and I'm pretty sure you haven't), Nomadland is going to win the big Oscars. Haven't seen Nomadland? Or even heard of it? Or any of the Oscar-nominated films? Or didn't even know the Oscars were happening this year? You're not alone. With no theaters this past year, the non-bingeable, non-Netflix-welcome-screen movies were pretty much an afterthought. (But if you asked the streaming services, the nominees this year each accounted for a billion new subscribers and topped the worldwide digital box office for months.)

Well, I'm here to tell you the Oscars are in fact happening, albeit a few months late. Fear not: my 22nd annual Oscar predictions will provide everything you need to know before the big night. (You don't even need to watch the movies themselves -- reading this article will take you just as long.)

BEST PICTURE:

SHOULD WIN: Minari WILL WIN: Nomadland GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Pieces Of A Woman INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Ma Rainey's Black Bottom

If you're a fan of capitalism, this is not the year for you. Nominees like Nomadland, Mank, Judas And The Black Messiah, The Trial Of The Chicago 7, Ma Rainey's Black Bottom, Hillbilly Elegy, Minari, and The White Tiger are all (to varying degrees) indictments of a capitalist system, or at the very least are suspicious of those who benefit from it, and focus on those left behind. It's certainly fertile ground for angst and high drama, if not belly laughs. (Don't get me started on the ironies of all these movies being distributed by billion-dollar conglomerates. The filmmakers, producers, and actors can tell you that the checks cash just fine.) Like Austin Powers said, "Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh comrades?"

There is no way for me to talk about Nomadland, which will win Best Picture, without sounding like an a-hole. It's a gorgeous work of art, and a fascinating character study, but I struggled to connect to the story. (You should know that for me as a movie watcher, story is more engaging than artfulness or character. But hey, why can't we have all three?) I wanted to like it, I really did. I'm content to drift along with Fern, the resilient main character played naturally by Frances McDormand, but she has no true objective or antagonist. She's a nomad on the road, either searching or hiding, either with the world or against the world, we're not quite sure which. I thought it might be driving (literally) toward a bigger revelation or resolution, but no. (Same with life, I guess.) It's meandering, reticent, languorous, and ethereal (I'm trying really hard to avoid using the word "boring" here). This is all quite intentional, by the way -- the film moves at the pace of its protagonist, and the effect is palpable. (And don't worry, it's not lost on me that I'm watching this movie about people barely scraping by, on a large ultra-high-def TV on my comfy couch in my warm home under an electric blanket, using a streaming service that the movie's characters probably couldn't access or afford.) Am I wrong about all this? Of course I'm wrong. Every critic out there is doing backflips over this film. And not surprisingly, the movie's mortality themes are playing well with the Academy, whose average age and closeness to death are extremely high. (Like the nomad Swankie, they're all anxious about that final kayak ride down the River Styx.) But beware the movie whose 'user/audience score' is significantly lower than its 'critic score' -- it means that regular people are not quite buying it. For me, the biggest problem with slice-of-life films is that I don't really want to go to movies to experience regular life -- I have life for that. Then again, I'm also a superficial, materialistic a-hole. But you knew that already. (Added intrigue: Hulu, Nomadland's distributor, might score a Best Picture win before Amazon, and gives Amazon a subtle middle-finger in the movie with its depiction of seasonal workers.)

Remember when feel-good movies were a thing? It didn’t mean that there were no conflicts or problems for the characters, it just meant that they were enjoyable to watch, and you came out feeling good about humans. Minari is the rare feel-good Oscar movie, and my personal pick for what should win Best Picture. It easily might have been a tough sit based on the premise: A Korean family moves to rural Arkansas to start a farm, and must overcome a drought, financial calamity, a complete lack of agriculture experience, a crumbling marriage, the son's potentially-deadly heart condition, and a grandmother that drinks all their Mountain Dew. In keeping with Oscar tradition, it could have been a constant assault of upsetting scenes. But instead, it's a warm, sunny, optimistic, funny movie. The family faces struggles and hardships, to be sure, but the story is treated with positivity, not negativity; with a sense of community, not isolation; with an attitude of resolve, not blame. And they get through their problems with mutual support, togetherness, tenderness, humanity, and of course, love. (Not to mention grandma planting some weeds that may or may not miraculously heal physical and emotional wounds.) All these things combine to make it a more engaging experience for me than Nomadland. Not only do I wish this movie would win the Oscar, I wish I could give it a hug.

A lot of pundits think The Trial Of The Chicago 7 has the best chance to upset Nomadland. But I'm not seeing that happen. It was an early favorite and has been getting tons of nominations in the awards run-up, but it hasn't actually been winning much, and seems to be losing steam. (The lack of a Best Director nod is virtually a killer.) I think Minari has a small chance to sneak away with a victory, as it's gotten almost as much universal praise as Nomadland, but hasn't had the same audience. Judas And The Black Messiah is an interesting case, in that it's a late entry that had little early awareness (it didn't plan to be eligible until next year's Oscars), but it scooped several unexpected nominations. Debuting a contender late and taking advantage of recency bias has been a successful strategy in the past, so don't be surprised by a surprise. (Had Shaka King scored the last Director slot over Thomas Vinterberg, I think Judas would be a fairly legitimate threat.)

If you had asked me in September, I would have predicted that Mank would be the wire-to-wire favorite to win Best Picture. Aside from being a prestige David Fincher film (more on him later), it's a smorgasbord of Classic Tales of Hollywood. And the centerpiece couldn't be bolder: It's an homage to, a making of, a dissection of, and political dissertation on Citizen Kane -- only the most deified film of all time. Simply recite the synopsis, describe the film's 1940s black-and-white aesthetic, and mention Gary Oldman's name as the star, and just watch the Oscars come pouring in, right? Well, not quite. It netted 10 nominations, more than any other film, but it's looking like it might not win any of them, certainly not Best Picture. I don't think the film quite knows what it wants to be; at least, I'm not sure what it wants to be. Centered on Herman Mankiewicz, the man credited with co-writing Citizen Kane with Orson Welles, it's a distorted, polemical, impressionistic portrait of a man I barely even knew existed. Though Welles is only briefly portrayed in the film, it demystifies him a bit, suggesting that he's maybe not as responsible for this work of genius as we thought. If the film was framed as "Who actually wrote Citizen Kane?", it would be a little easier to get into. But it feels somewhat academic and circuitous (in a way that Kane itself doesn't). And while the script is clever, it's clever to the point of being confusing. Of course, a film of this pedigree invites a lot of scrutiny, maybe more than any other awards contender (or any film that actually got released this past year, period). It has a lot to appreciate, and surely would benefit from a second viewing. I also can't help but root for the fact that it's been Fincher's passion project for almost a quarter-century. (Then again, tell that to any indie filmmaker who spends their whole life on a single passion project that ends up getting completely ignored, and they’ll tell you where to shove your Fincher pity.) Ultimately, it's an admirable work, but if you're looking for a Rosebud, it's not there.

Promising Young Woman continues to defy expectations. Not only did it rack up six Oscar nominations, it's likely to win one or two of them, and for a while, was gaining on Nomadland for Best Picture. Now that the chips are falling into place, we know it won't win in this category, but it remains one of the most talked-about films of the season. What I like most about the film is not necessarily the literal story (I should have seen the main twist coming a mile away), but the way writer/director Emerald Fennell elevates it in an interesting way. Instead of showing the whole story, she starts her film at the end of a typical revenge thriller (several years after the incident and the legal aftermath). In fact, the victim is not even in the movie, and the victim's best friend is already far along on her path of retribution. (It also challenges the definition of "victim".) The film is not voyeuristically exciting in any way; it's unsettling, but also oddly charming in unexpected ways. The key for me is how it serves as a metaphor for the secrets people keep from loved ones and the toll that it takes on them, and the penances we give ourselves instead of allowing ourselves to heal. It also made me realize that movies could use more Juice Newton. (Paris Hilton, not so much.)

Sound Of Metal and The Father were probably the last two films to make the cut in this category, and are the least likely to win. Their best chances are in other categories. (Pro Tip: If you put the word "sound" in the title of your movie, there's a very good chance you'll win Best Sound.)

I don’t recommend Pieces Of A Woman to anyone who's pregnant, or partners of pregnant women, or anyone planning to have babies anytime in the future, or any partners of anyone planning to have babies anytime in the future, or people hoping to be grandparents anytime in the future, or doctors. (And I'm certain midwives are not giving this a ringing endorsement.) The film starts with an infant death, and then gets worse from there. It's not just an unpleasant experience, it's a series of unrelenting unpleasant experiences: Depression, extra-marital affairs, guilt, a domineering mother, lying, manipulative spouses, abandonment, feelings of inadequacy, sexual dysfunction, litigation, sibling jealousy, public shame, borderline domestic abuse, bribery, courtroom drama, financial problems, baseless blame, and drug addiction. And if that's not upsetting enough, they also manage to throw the Holocaust in there. (This should be a movie sub-genre: "Parade of Horrible Events". This fraternity would include: Manchester By The Sea, Mudbound, Uncut Gems, 12 Years A Slave, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, The Family Stone, and of course, The Revenant.) And then there are the characters. It would be one thing if these were ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances. But these are extraordinary a--holes making extraordinary circumstances much worse. It's literally laughable. If I didn't understand what the word 'melodramatic' meant before, I do now. I'm aware that this is based on the experiences of writing/directing spouses Kata Wéber and Kornél Mundruczó, and I don't mean to trivialize their pain or what they went through. Nobody should have to suffer that trauma. And I realize art is a healthy and oftentimes beautiful outlet for grief. But… did I mention the movie is unpleasant? There are certainly wonderful fragments and ideas in here; if the components added up to something moving, I would be much more receptive to it. If I were a snarky (okay, snarkier) reviewer, I might call it "Pieces Of A Better Movie".

Soul is a lovely and inspiring movie, but I'm at the point where I have to judge films by my experience while watching them with children. Try explaining this movie to a 6-year-old. Way too many existential/philosophical/theological questions. I guess it's good for parents who like to talk to their children, but if you're trying to keep your kid occupied and quiet (the reason screens were invented) so you can do something else, it's a bust. (It's no match for the hysterical self-explanatory antics of a certain motor-mouthed, overweight, black-and-white, martial-arts-fighting bear with a penchant for sitting on people's heads and, more importantly, keeping kids silently dumbstruck.) And: Did they have to make the entrance to the afterlife -- a giant bug zapper -- so terrifying? If that's how you get to heaven, what is the entrance to hell like??

BEST ACTOR:

SHOULD WIN: Chadwick Boseman (Ma Rainey's Black Bottom) WILL WIN: Chadwick Boseman (Ma Rainey's Black Bottom) GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Pete Davidson (The King Of Staten Island) INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Delroy Lindo (Da 5 Bloods)

This one hurts. I usually don't feel a connection to or an overabundance of sympathy for celebrities, but this one genuinely hurts. When Chadwick Boseman wins Best Actor (for Ma Rainey's Black Bottom), it will be a wonderful celebration, but also a painful reminder, not just of who he was, but of who he was yet to be. If ever there was a unanimous vote, this would be it. Before this movie, we had seen him play heroes and outsized personalities, but there had been nothing quite like his role as Levee, the gifted and demonized trumpet player in Ma Rainey's band. His brash, wounded performance is astonishing, revelatory. Since the film debuted after his passing, we can only watch it through the prism of his death. It's hard not to feel parallels: Levee is just starting to scratch the surface of his talent, giving us hints of his abilities with composition and brass before his breakdown; similarly, we have only gotten a taste of Boseman's range and depth. For both the character and the man, we're being deprived of the art he would have created. Boseman's passing makes the performance more resonant and unshakeable, but I think under different circumstances he would still be the front-runner in this race. The only difference would be, we'd assume this would be the first prize of many.

Anthony Hopkins picked an unusual time to go on a hot streak. He recently left a memorable impression on the Marvel Cinematic Universe as Odin, got an Emmy nomination for Westworld, and scored 2 Oscar nominations (after a 22-year drought) -- all after his 80th birthday. This year's nomination, for playing a man slipping into dementia in The Father, probably would have been a favorite to notch him his second Oscar in a different year. He seems like he should be a two-time winner, and we just don't know how many more chances he'll have. (I stand by my declaration that he should have won last year for The Two Popes, over Brad Pitt.) To those aforementioned aging Academy members who fear mortality and probably consider Hopkins a spry young man: Maybe you shouldn't watch this movie.

Riz Ahmed's performance in Sound Of Metal establishes the tone for the entire film, making the experience feel grounded and real. I appreciate how his outward, physical performance is very still, while his internal performance is frenetic, like there's a live wire in his head that he's trying to conceal from the world. His quietness leaves us with an uncertainty that feels like authentic; he's not going to tell us all the answers, because his character is figuring it out as he goes. Speaking of questions, I have a few about his band in the movie (before the hearing loss): Are they any good? What kind of living do they make? Is their cashflow net positive or negative? Are they considered successful (in whatever way you want to define that)? What is their ceiling, commercially and artistically? Are they one lucky break away from making it, or is it a lost cause? Most importantly, if Ahmed and fellow nominee LaKeith Stanfield (Judas And The Black Messiah) had a sad, doleful, wide-eyed staring contest, who would win?

Steven Yeun has been a recognizable face in film and TV (and a prolific voice actor) for a decade, but we haven't really seen him front and center until Minari. And after this bright, heartwarming turn, I think you can expect him to remain in the spotlight for the foreseeable future. His understated and remarkable performance carries this beautiful story of a family finding its path through a new way of life. Despite scant dialogue and minimal exposition, we seem to always know what his character is thinking -- that he's facing daunting odds but has a steel resolve. He and screen partner Yeri Han (who deserves as much credit as Yeun for this film) create one of the most tender crumbling marriages I've seen on screen in a long time. (Though a marriage counselor could have given his character some helpful "dos and don'ts" that might have saved him some headaches.)

What's more improbable, Mank's meandering, decades-long journey to the screen, or the fact that we're supposed to believe 63-year Gary Oldman as a man in his 30s and early 40s? Well, once his performance begins, it's so hammy that you forget all about the ridiculous age discrepancy. He's playing Herman Mankiewicz, whose bombastic writing and sozzled demeanor helped mold the script for Citizen Kane into the legend that it is. It's a bloviated, ostentatious, spectacular exhibition of affectation and panache that only Oldman could pull off. It's a lot of fun. (It must be exhausting to be his wife.) It’s as if Mank wrote the story of his own life... and gave himself the best part.

I'm naming Delroy Lindo for my snubbed choice, for his intense and crushing performance in Da 5 Bloods. I've been hoping he'd get an Oscar nomination for 20 years, and by all accounts, this was going to be his year. Even in the fall, after a slew of critics' awards, he was the odds-on favorite to win. So it was a disappointment that his name wasn't called when nominations were read. For now, he'll have to be content with being everyone's favorite never-nominated actor. (But here's to hoping The Harder They Fall is frickin' amazing, so he can end that drought next year.) There are plenty of honorable mentions this year: Adarsh Gourav (The White Tiger), Mads Mikkelsen (Another Round), and Kingsley Ben-Adir (One Night In Miami) come to mind. (By the way: How often do Kingsley Ben-Adir and Sir Ben Kingsley get each other's take-out orders switched?) But my runner-up is John David Washington (my snubbed pick two years ago), who undoubtedly became an A-List movie star in the past year… but not for the reason you think. Yes, Tenet was a blockbuster and the cinematic story of the summer, but he had special effects and storyline trickery supporting him. Instead, Malcolm And Marie is what stands out to me -- he has nothing but his performance (as abrasive as it is), and he still commands the screen and our attention. When he gets hold of a juicy monologue, he starts cooking… but when he starts dancing on the countertop? Look out.

BEST ACTRESS:

SHOULD WIN: Andra Day (The United States Vs. Billie Holiday) WILL WIN: Andra Day (The United States Vs. Billie Holiday) GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Anya Taylor-Joy (Emma.) INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Jessie Buckley (I'm Thinking of Ending Things)

Coming down to the wire, we've got a race where three women have a chance to win, and the favorite depends on who you ask and when you ask. Carey Mulligan, Viola Davis, and Andra Day have each won precursor awards, and seem to leapfrog each other daily. Mulligan has been picked by most prognosticators, with Davis right behind. But I'm going to put my untarnished reputation on the line and predict a long-shot upset for Day. (And when that doesn't happen, I'm going to say that I actually thought Mulligan or Davis were more likely.)

Maybe I'm picking Andra Day because she's also my personal favorite, for her star-making debut in The United States Vs. Billie Holiday. The movie itself is serviceable but not stellar (some of the scenes and dialogue are absurdly expository), but Day is an absolute dynamo as the Lady Day. The film is a fairly rounded picture of her life, including her drug abuse, health issues, singing the controversial-at-the-time civil-rights song "Strange Fruit", and an investigation by the U.S. government (hence the title) -- all of which is intriguing for those of us not familiar with her personal story. (I'm sure you'll be shocked to learn that, despite my curmudgeonly ways, I was not in fact alive in the 1940s.) Day has seemingly come out of nowhere, because there was no early hype about the film, and nobody even saw it until a few weeks ago (and even now, it hasn't been seen by nearly as many people as the other contenders). Known primarily as a singer before this (I'm a big fan), she literally transformed her voice (straining her vocal chords, taking up smoking) to capture Billie Holiday's unique vocals. The singing alone might be enough to get her a nomination, but it's the dramatic work that puts her ahead of the field. More than any other nominee, we really get the feeling that she's laying her soul bare onscreen. Even for a seasoned actress, the depth of this performance would be impressive. Her film doesn't have the popularity or momentum that Mulligan's or Davis's do, so she's heading into Oscar night as an underdog. But if voters judge the actresses strictly on performance, not on the movies themselves, she might just pull an upset. And, if you haven't heard Day sing outside this movie, do yourself a favor: Stop reading this article (you might want to do that anyway) and browse her catalogue -- she has the best voice of any contemporary singer, period. Forget Billie Eilish, why isn't Day singing the next James Bond song?

Carey Mulligan returns to the Oscar game for the first time in 11 years, for Promising Young Woman. (Is she bitter that her performance in An Education lost to Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side? Probably not as bitter as I am.) Promising Young Woman is getting a lot of attention and accolades, and much of it is due to Mulligan's strong turn as Cassandra, a woman on a revenge crusade that has taken over her life. It's a layered performance; we see a lot of Cassandra's facades, but we don't know if we ever see the real person. Her best friend's rape and subsequent suicide has left her stunted; by the time we meet Cassandra, she's literally and figuratively become someone else. As rough as it sounds, Mulligan is able to make it… well, 'fun' isn't the right word, but 'enjoyable'. We see Cassandra refusing to sit or be bullied; she has agency and kinetic energy in situations where many do not or cannot. Whether or not the film works rests largely on Mulligan's shoulders; it's a good thing she's such a talented actress, because not many could pull it off. The more people see the film, the more she's been picked to win the prize. Will she get enough support for a victory? (Ms. Bullock, you owe her a vote.)

Out of all the nominated performances this year, Viola Davis's is the most amusing. Playing the titular singer in Ma Rainey's Black Bottom, it's clear she's having blast. When she's onscreen, Davis owns every single inch of it. She doesn't just drink a bottle of Coke, she guzzles the whole thing with gusto and verve, serving notice that this is going to be the most entertaining consumption of soda you've ever seen. And so it is with the rest of the performance. (Though the lip-synching is not particularly believable; but then again, that didn't hurt Rami Malek in Bohemian Rhapsody.) It will be interesting to see what happens on Oscar night. She's been up and down in the predictions. She was down after losing the Golden Globe (it's taken us until now to realize the Globes are a waste of time??), but rebounded strongly with a Screen Actors Guild win. She is universally adored, but she's also won an Oscar already for Fences, so voters may not feel quite as compelled to give it to her overall.

And we haven't even talked about Frances McDormand in Nomadland yet. Early on, this category seemed like a sprint between McDormand and Davis. But when neither won the Golden Globe or Critics' Choice, it became anybody's race. As we near the end of the contest, McDormand has pretty clearly fallen toward the back. I don't think it's her performance; instead, she's been discounted due to her own victorious history. She's already got two Oscars (in 1997 for Fargo and 2018 for Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri); a third one would require extraordinary circumstances. By comparison, it took Meryl Streep 29 years (and a lot of Ls) after her second to get her third. But if McDormand hadn't just won for Three Billboards three years ago, I think she'd be a lock here; Nomadland may even be a superior performance. She's probably the only actor alive that could pull this off; if she gave up acting, this is how I assume she would be living in real life. It's remarkable how she internalizes everything, yet informs the viewer how she's feeling and what she's thinking with very few words, just her physicality. This project seems particularly challenging. Her character doesn't have the answers; she's searching, but she doesn't even know what for. "I'm not homeless. I'm just house-less. Not the same thing, right?" It's as if she's posing the question to herself, and she really doesn't know. She gets lonelier as the journey goes on, a sort-of self-imposed isolation, and the viewer really feels it. (What does she ultimately find? Well, that's one of the frustrating ambiguities of the film. Don't get me started.) No matter what happens in this category, what McDormand will find is Oscar gold: She's a producer on Nomadland, so she's a strong bet to walk away with a Best Picture statuette.

Saying Vanessa Kirby is the best thing in Pieces Of A Woman is a bit of a backhanded compliment. My distaste for the film was made pretty clear in the Best Picture section, and anybody acting opposite Shia LaBeouf is going to look like Streep. But Kirby is legitimately great, and I think a welcome surprise to those who know her from the Mission: Impossible and Fast & Furious franchises. (And how many fans of The Crown thought Kirby would beat Claire Foy to an Oscar nomination? Don't lie.) Kirby makes the most of her role as an unpleasant person in an unpleasant situation enduring a barrage of unpleasant events surrounded by really unpleasant people. (An infant tragedy is the least of their problems.) But ultimately the film fails her, and unfortunately I don't really believe what any character is doing in this movie. Her nomination has been bolstered by a whopper of an opening scene: a 24-minute single-shot of a childbirth that ends horrifically. But I can't help but feel like the shot comes off as gimmicky; the immediacy of the scene was effective, but the filmmakers seemed to choose stylistic camera movement and choreography over intimacy and realness. The scene may be emotionally truthful, but hoo-eey, Kirby is dialed up. (My personal favorite ridiculous scene? When she's on the subway, wistfully watching children giggling pleasantly and behaving like angels. Ahhh, seems so blissful. Have you ever taken kids on public transportation? They would be fighting, screaming, climbing over the seats, kicking her, throwing goldfish everywhere, getting yelled at by the parents, bumping into passengers, licking the handrails, wiping snot on seats, and saying inappropriate things to strangers. That's parenthood.)

When the movie gods decided to create a remake that would be the exact opposite of what I would like, they conjured up Emma.. (That's "Emma.", with a period at the end of the title. Seriously. It's a "period" piece. Get it?) Anya Taylor-Joy is undoubtedly talented, but she's a letdown as the fabled matchmaker. She also believes that she can bleed on cue. With regard to her climactic scene: "I was in the moment enough that my nose really started bleeding." Wow. No words. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but her performance actually makes me miss Gwyneth.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

SHOULD WIN: LaKeith Stanfield (Judas And The Black Messiah) WILL WIN: Daniel Kaluuya (Judas And The Black Messiah) GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Shia LaBeouf (Pieces Of A Woman) INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Glynn Turman (Ma Rainey's Black Bottom)

Can you have a movie with two main characters but no leading actors? If you're wondering why the two stars (and title characters) of Judas And The Black Messiah -- LaKeith Stanfieldand Daniel Kaluuya -- are both competing in the Supporting Actor category, congratulations, you're a human on planet Earth. That's Oscar politics for you, and it's nothing new. They are both unquestionably leads; nevertheless, the shift to Supporting has worked out well for both of them. The assumption was that Stanfield would campaign in the Lead category and Kaluuya in Supporting so as not to cannibalize each other's votes, and to have Kaluuya (the stronger awards bet) compete in the less crowded category. (It's been clear for half a year that Chadwick Boseman would be winning Best Actor.) Stanfield was considered an unrealistic shot to crack the nominees anyway (he was probably 8th for Best Actor, behind Delroy Lindo (Da 5 Bloods) and Tahar Rahim (The Mauritanian)). So when the nominations were read, it was a pleasant shock that he had been slotted in the Supporting Actor category. (And wouldn't you rather have him here than Jared Leto?)

But won't they split the vote, resulting in the very problem they were trying to avoid in the first place? As it turns out, no. Judging from other major awards, voters had made up their minds for Kaluuya long ago, so any votes to support this film will likely go to Kaluuya. It's not hard to see why: As Black Panther leader Fred Hampton, he's dynamic, steely, and charismatic. It's very different -- more confident, self-assured and domineering -- than we've seen him in other roles, like Get Out. (This movie is a like a mini-reunion of Get Out. Dang, now I want a sequel to Get Out.) But I'll be the dissenter, and cast my personal vote for Stanfield. I'm conflicted; they're a close 1-2. But for me, Stanfield's role (as an FBI informant infiltrating the Panthers) has more facets to play, and Stanfield's signature tenderness brings me into the character more. Plus, he also has the bigger challenge: he has to play the Judas (a role he initially didn't want). Like another character actually says to Stanfield in the movie: "This guy deserves an Academy Award."

Leslie Odom Jr.'s quest for an EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony) has hit a speed bump. Already armed with a G and a T, he was the presumptive favorite heading into the Golden Globes to collect more hardware, for playing singer Sam Cooke in One Night In Miami. But that was before anybody had seen Judas And The Black Messiah. As the lone acting nominee for Miami, he's got a lot of support from anyone looking to honor the film and its stellar cast. And as the singer, he gets to show off his lustrous Hamilton-honed pipes several times. In many ways, he's the most relatable character in Miami, the one that (despite Cooke's fame at the time) seems the most mortal. So though he'll lose Best Supporting Actor, fear not: He's the favorite to win Best Song, and keep the EGOT dream alive. (Unless… 12-time nominee Diane Warren finally gets the sympathy vote for her song for the little-seen The Life Ahead. Wait, you mean she didn't win for Mannequin's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now"??)

Paul Raci is a fascinating nominee, for Sound of Metal. He was virtually unknown before this movie (best known as Eugene the Animal Control Guy on Parks And Recreation), but his background is intriguing. He's a Vietnam vet who started as a small theater actor in Chicago (he has a Jeff nomination!). With his upbringing as a hearing CODA (Child Of Deaf Adult), he's a frequent player in ASL theater and is the lead singer in an ASL metal band. (Am I the only one who was gotten CODA confused with ACOD (Adult Child Of Divorce)? Is there such a thing as ACODDA (Adult Child Of Deaf Divorced Adults)?) And in the understated role of Joe, who runs a facility for deaf people and serves as a guide for Riz Ahmed's character, he's fantastic. It literally seems like he's been preparing his whole life for the role, and it pays off. (Though upon further examination of his character… Joe seems like a benevolent, trustworthy guy with altruistic motivations, with a shelter focused on mental healing, addiction recovery, and self-sufficiency. But he also appears to foster an environment that isolates its members, severs contact with all loved ones, preys on those who are unstable to begin with, and convinces members that they will struggle if they leave the community. Ultimately Joe runs every aspect of members' lives, and in return expects unwavering devotion and complete submission to his methods. As soon as Ruben says one thing to challenge him, Joe accuses him of sounding like an addict, knowing it will trigger shame and self-doubt, in a clear effort to control his actions. Joe even slyly suggests that he personally knows how to reach heaven, "the kingdom of God". Is there a chance Joe is actually running a cult??)

They may have just picked a name out of a hat to see which member of The Trial Of The Chicago 7 ensemble would get an Oscar nomination (now these are all supporting actors), but however it happened, nomination day was a good day for Sacha Baron Cohen. (He also got a writing nod for Borat 2.) He is effective in the movie -- maybe the best of the bunch -- and it's a (slightly surprising) affirmation that he's a good actor in addition to being a talented performer. Is his performance actually worthy of an Oscar nomination? I'm fairly impressed (except for his I-love-you-too-man scene with the inert Eddie Redmayne, which plays cheap… but you can probably pin that one on Aaron Sorkin). But there are several other people I would have nominated over Cohen. For starters, my snubbed pick, Glynn Turman, is exceptional as a musician holding his own against Chadwick Boseman in Ma Rainey's Black Bottom. (It seems like just yesterday he was the colonel on A Different World, one of his 150+ acting credits.) Honorable mentions include 7-year-old Alan Kim (Minari), Clarke Peters (Da 5 Bloods), Charles Dance (Mank), and Arliss Howard (Mank).

Wow. Shia LaBeouf is not the only repellant part of Pieces Of A Woman, but he's probably the most repellant part. I'm sorry, but anything he does, or is involved in, instantly becomes less believable. At one point he seems to be trying to creepily make out with his wife… while she's actively pushing in labor. Then later, in a distressing "love" scene, he looks like someone who has never had consensual sex with a partner before; I know the film is going for emotional rawness, but it just looks like assault. Bottom line, I have no idea what he's doing in this movie. (And I guess I don't care what he's doing, as long as it's not another Indiana Jones movie.)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

SHOULD WIN: Yuh-jung Youn (Minari) WILL WIN: Yuh-jung Youn (Minari) GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Nicole Kidman (The Prom) INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Ellen Burstyn (Pieces Of A Woman)

Oh, sweet revenge. Don't you just love a rematch? It was just two short years ago when Olivia Colman, in a flabbergasting upset, tearfully apologized to presumptive victor Glenn Close in her acceptance speech. (…Or did she condescendingly mock her? We can't be sure about anything in that speech.) Now they are both nominated again -- Colman for The Father, Close for Hillbilly Elegy -- and the bad blood between them couldn't be boiling hotter. Since there are no nominee lunches or in-person media parades this year, I'm assuming they drunk-Zoom each other at all hours and call one another every cruel British and American curse word in the book. Colman even reportedly tweeted, "Glenn, this will be your Hillbilly Elegy: You never won a dang Oscar." Nasty stuff, but nothing unusual during campaign season. Colman is facing a tough challenge (besides playing a woman whose father is in the grips dementia). Voters will be hard-pressed to hand her a victory again so soon (and without any losses). Additionally, she didn't even get nominated for a BAFTA award -- the British Oscar-equivalent -- on her home turf (and they nominate six actors in each category). (But, she would be quick to point out, Close didn't either.) All the talk around The Father is about Anthony Hopkins. Colman is facing extremely long odds.

Which seems to perfectly set up Close to swoop in for the kill. Six months ago, on paper this seemed like a slam dunk. The word was that Hillbilly Elegy featured two of the losing-est actors (Close and Amy Adams) in transformative roles in a heart-wrenching adaptation of a successful book. It was going to exorcise the demons for both of them. Then the movie debuted. And the response was lukewarm. But then the response to the response was harsh. People hated the movie, hated the performances, and hated the participants for shilling shameless Oscar bait. (If you think there's a different kind of Oscar bait, I'm afraid you haven't been paying attention.) The film was weirdly derided as political, and faced a sort of anti-Trump backlash (which I don't understand, considering the movie takes place in the 1990s and early 2010s, when Trump was just known for being an inept USFL football owner and a silly reality-TV host). Entertainment Weekly actually used these words in a single sentence to describe the film: "ham-handed", "smug", "Appalachian poverty porn", and "moralizing soap opera". (I guess people felt about this film the way I felt about A Star Is Born.) And no, the movie is not great; it fades soon after the credits roll. But Close is compelling; at the very least, she's working her tail off. (If you think she's just hamming it up in drag, stay tuned for the end-credits images of the real Mamaw. It's uncanny.) I think the voters really want her to win (but I thought the same thing two years ago). The question is: Do they want her to win for this movie? The answer increasingly seems to be No. The general feeling (which I agree with) is that the role feels a little lacking, and below Close's other lauded performances. People realize that if she wins, it may get dismissed as being a flimsy career-achievement award, which would tarnish it.

So, which one will claim victory this time, leaving the other groveling at her feet, Colman or Close? Neither, it turns out. In a shocking turn of events, Yuh-jung Youn has emerged as a favorite over both of them. (Fortunately, she's blocked Colman and Close on Zoom.) Calling Youn the heart of Minari would be trite. She is, but she's much more than that. She's the conduit for connection: to the children, between the parents, and to the audience. Before her arrival, it feels like there's something missing. (The young son has a heart condition, is constantly chugging Mountain Dew, and is hiding his wet underpants. And the dad thinks he doesn't need a babysitter?) It's when Youn enters the film that the film excels, and we start to feel like part of the family. She also challenges our (and her grandson's) ideas of what a grandmother is (including possibly having magical healing superpowers). A lot of people are looking for a way to reward this film, and this category is its best chance. Heck, even if voters only hear Youn's one line of English dialogue ("Ding-dong broken!" -- referring to her grandson's wiener), that could be enough to win.

Maybe the most curious nomination is for Maria Bakalova, starring in Borat Subsequent Moviefilm as the notorious Kazakh's daughter. A lot of things in the past year would have been impossible to predict, but an unknown Bulgarian actress stealing the spotlight and getting an Oscar nomination for a surprise-release Borat sequel would have to be near the top. And she's actually the only one in this category who's managed to score a nomination from every major organization. She won't win, but her performance (and memes) may live on the longest.

I must be missing something in Mank. (Granted, I haven't watched it the requisite four times in order to truly appreciate it, according to the Fincherists.) But I just don't understand what the fuss is about with Amanda Seyfried. She certainly plays her part well (as Marion Davies, the illicit love interest of William Randolph Hearst and the platonic love interest of Herman Mankiewicz), but I don't see how she elevates it or brings anything extraordinary to it. Her character plays a pivotal role in Citizen Kane (Davies was the inspiration for Kane's second wife), and I presume she's supposed to play a pivotal role in Mank's literary epiphany, but I fail to understand why. (Or maybe I failed to understand her Brooklyn accent.) But more than that, her narrative thread seems distressingly incomplete. She appears to be set up for a meaty final scene, but then her character simply exits, leaving Mankiewicz (and me) baffled. I've been more impressed by her work in other movies, like First Reformed. Of course, perhaps the most significant implication of Seyfried's nomination: Two of the Plastics now have Oscar nominations. (Gretchen, stop trying to make an Oscar nomination happen. It's not going to happen!)

Just in case there was any confusion, 88-year-old Ellen Burstyn is here to let us know she can still bring the thunder. Pieces Of A Woman is a mess, and her character is dubious, but she gets one powerhouse speech to shine and (somewhat) anchor the movie -- a declaration of strength, resilience, and survival. And she delivers a two-handed, rim-hanging, backboard-shattering jam. Oh, right, there's the woman who scored an Oscar, plus four other nominations, in a 9-year span in the 1970s. And who's been an Emmy fixture the past 15 years. And who has four more movies already in the works. Just another not-so-gentle reminder that she's one of the great actors of her generation. (Honorable Mentions go to The United States Vs. Billie Holiday's Da'Vine Joy Randolph, who continues her scene-stealing ways after Office Christmas Party and Dolemite Is My Name; and Dominique Fishback, whose performance adds emotional heft to Judas And The Black Messiah.)

BEST DIRECTOR:

SHOULD WIN: Chloé Zhao (Nomadland) WILL WIN: Chloé Zhao (Nomadland) GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Ryan Murphy (The Prom) INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Christopher Nolan (Tenet)

The second-most-certain thing this year is Chloé Zhao winning Best Director for Nomadland. She's dominated the narrative and the awards circuit this year; nobody else is close. In fact, she might win four Oscars, which would be a record for one person with a single film. (In 1954, Walt Disney was a quadruple winner for four different movies… but do short films really count?) Odds are that she'll win three, but if she wins Best Editing early in the night, the record will be hers. Historically joined at the hip, Best Director and Best Picture have surprisingly been split between different movies several times in recent years. The voters will align them this year, but I'm going to malign them. (Disalign? Unalign? Who am I kidding, I will malign them too.) As tepid as I am on Nomadland for Picture, Zhao is my Director choice. She is clearly a masterful artist and impressionistic storyteller. But more than that, she's able to conjure a mood and state of mind with her pseudo-documentary hybrid style. She gets us to feel what the character is feeling and put us right in the environment -- and makes it seem effortless. The film's long, languid takes allow us to breathe the air, drink in the scene, and live in the moment, unhurried. Zhao augments the nomadic quality of the film in every shot. But (oh, you knew there was a 'but'), on the down side, I also find the style to be a bit tedious and overdrawn at times. Because of my lack of investment, the film often struggles to keep my attention, or more accurately, my curiosity. And despite the film being touted as a tale of community and interconnectedness, it mostly suggests to me (via the main character) feelings of pain, loneliness, coldness, and sadness. But ultimately, I think those things speak more to the story than the directing. This will doubtless be a crowning a achievement for Zhao, but I'm more excited to see what the future will bring, and what she can do for a story that I'm invested in.

I was really close to picking Lee Isaac Chung for my Should Win, for his rich, captivating film, Minari. (Really close. You, the fortunate, insulated reader, will never truly know how much I agonize over this. Some suffer for art, I suffer for unsolicited criticism.) Honestly, I was tempted to give Chung a clean sweep of Picture, Director, and Screenplay; but instead I've opted to spread them around (I can play Academy politics all by myself). So many of the qualities of Zhao's film are present in Chung's film as well; his toolbox is just as full and varied. His quiet, atmospheric shots are unburdened by haste yet always nudging the story ahead. Chung draws us in, as another member of the Yi family, our hopes rising and falling with each challenge and trifle (and sexed chick) they face. There's a real confidence in his style; he knows how to best engage the audience for the specific journey. For me though, what I appreciate most is the warmth of his filmmaking; while the story has tribulations, the film itself is compassionate, never harsh or aggressive. That stands in stark contrast to Nomadland; the palette is one of the main things that sets them apart. Chung also scored points by showcasing the best accessory on the virtual Golden Globes telecast: a ridiculously adorable child. (Was that his own kid, or a rental? Only his publicist knows for sure.) Careful, I might accidentally talk myself into flipping my pick to Chung.

This was supposed to be his year. Goddammit, this was supposed to be his year! That was the sentiment from cinephiles all over the internet this year. Throw a rock in any direction and you'll hit a podcaster (and possibly me) ranting about how David Fincher was robbed in 2011 when he lost Best Director for The Social Network to Tom Hooper and The King's Speech. (Was the Academy justified? Since then, Fincher landed a third Oscar nomination, fourth Golden Globe nomination, and two Emmy wins; Hooper directed Cats.) In early winter, the pieces seemed to be lining up for a Fincher victory with Mank: a big, mainstream, Hollywood-y underdog story; an ode to the most revered film of all time, Citizen Kane; a scenery-chewing performance from beloved thesp Gary Oldman; a film that was more accessible (read: less weird and violent) than most of his other fare; and a passion project that he had been developing for decades, written by his late father. The only question was not whether the film could win all the Oscars, but whether it could cure pediatric cancer or pilot a rocket to Jupiter. But that was 2020… and we all know how that year went. Maybe it's the fatigue caused by the prolonged award campaign season, maybe it's the lack of theaters that would have showcased his visual marvel, or maybe it's the fact that the film didn't quiiiiiiite live up to the hype, but one thing is clear: Fincher is out of the race. I'll say what a lot of the other film snobs won't: This is probably not the film we want Fincher to win for anyway. We want him to win for something sharper, weirder, more incisive, and more upsetting; in short, something more Fincher-ish. Mank is fantastic, to be sure; and in (mostly) pulling it off, Fincher demonstrates his mastery of historical and contemporary cinema. But the hiccups are puzzling. The film is structured like Citizen Kane itself, which makes it at times equally difficult to engage in; but while Kane's flashbacks feel natural, a handful of Mank's feel shoehorned. The dialogue is in the style -- but not the pace -- of hard-boiled 1940s films, which alone is a recipe for difficult viewing; further peppering every retort with unnatural irony makes for wit but not necessarily comprehension. The Kane-esque echo effect doesn't help; neither do subtitles. (I tried.) While it turns out that it's not supposed to be his Oscar year after all, I commend Fincher on an effort like this -- the singular vision, the vigor, the risk -- even when I don't necessarily love the movie or connect with it. We need his art, we need his beautiful mess. (But next time maybe throw in a grisly murder, perverted romance, or crippling heartbreak… and acquire a charming child for the awards telecast.)

Emerald Fennell impressively scored a nomination for her first feature film, Promising Young Woman, an inventive genre-mashup of a Rape Revenge movie -- a new spin on a 1970s grindhouse staple. Like a lot of people, I don't quite know what to make of the movie (I don't think I've ever actually seen a Rape Revenge movie… though I've seen plenty of Dognapping Revenge movies). It's a film that could go badly a thousand different ways, but Fennell makes choices that keep it fresh and thoroughly watchable. The primary word that comes to mind is 'subversive'. From the candy coloring to the pop music to the meet-cute to the campy suspense, she toys with convention at every turn (in some cases more effectively than others). Even the support casting -- the kooky, on-the-nose (or 180-flipped) cameos spice up the movie, but also tend to undermine it and give it a B-movie vibe. (Do we really need Jennifer Coolidge and Max Greenfield doing what they do best, but not as well as they usually do it? Probably not. Do they make me chuckle? Yes.) The result is an oddly entertaining movie on a subject that is anything but. The patina of playfulness is helpful; if it was an avalanche of distressing, horrifying scenes, it could be a tortuous watch. All in all, it might be the most enjoyable Rape Revenge movie you'll ever see.

Perhaps the biggest surprise nominee in any category is Thomas Vinterberg, for the Danish film Another Round. (The lion's share of the Oscar buzz had been for star Mads Mikkelsen; the film is also up for Best International film.) This movie is in the grand tradition of celebrating alcohol because excessive drinking is awesome. And the Academy has recognized Vinterberg because he has so astutely captured how booze is a tasty balm for every wound -- an ancient and failsafe key to enlightenment and inner peace. Wait, what's that? I'm sorry… I'm being told that this movie is actually a cautionary tale. Hmmm. I guess I should have watched it sober. In light of that, I suppose the film is an interesting examination of middle-aged ennui and the tendency to overlook that which is right in front of you. (Anyone that has gotten this far in the article knows exactly what ennui is, and should have overlooked what was right in front of them.) It's also an unintentionally apt allegory for pandemic life: When it started, we began drinking a bit at home, enjoying Zoom happy hours, and generally having a good time; pretty soon we were day-drinking out of sheer boredom, trying to teach our home-schooled kids long division while buzzed, and it got very sad and depressing; now we're all pretty much ready to jump off the pier. In general, I like the film (though I prefer my mid-life drinking crises more in the mold of Old School), but the story and arc are fairly telegraphed. You mean their problems can't be fixed by increased alcohol consumption? The more you drink, the harder it is to control? Drinking at work as a teacher around minors might go awry? Instead of booze, have they tried rest, exercise, healthy eating, or appreciating the good things in their lives? (Who I am kidding, those are a waste of time.) Ultimately, there are several directors I would have chosen over Vinterberg (Christopher Nolan for Tenet, George C. Wolfe for Ma Rainey's Black Bottom, and Florian Zeller for The Father come to mind), but it's interesting to see the continuing trend of nominating non-American filmmakers in this category, as the Directors' branch of the Academy becomes increasingly international.

I want to talk about the ending of Another Round for a moment. If you didn't see the movie (and I'm betting you didn't), just skip this paragraph. Most of the reviews I've read online interpret the ending as a hopeful, happy one. I think that's crazy. The ending is a Trojan horse. It looks joyful, but just underneath lies tragedy: The trio resume drinking after they've seemingly hit rock bottom and lost their best friend to booze; they believe they're in control and having a good time when really they're spiraling into chaos; they think they've found a balance, when they're actually sliding endlessly further into alcoholism. They don't realize that they cannot enjoy life sober. I think one of the reasons why I like the movie so much is that it masks that ending as a "happy" one, much the way a drinker would see it when they don't realize there's a problem. The ending is denial. A lot of people have seen the final scene as uplifting and life-affirming (even Vinterberg seems to say this in interviews, which is puzzling), that the friends have come to terms with their drinking, and have found a way to drink in moderation and still invigorate their lives and celebrate the small things. I don't understand that take at all. I would buy it if they had found a way to celebrate life while sober. Instead, I think it's the surest sign that they are destroying their lives, because they don't even realize it's happening. It's the 'darkest timeline'. They ask themselves the wrong question, "What would Tommy do?", instead of "What would Tommy want us to do?", and we know exactly what Tommy would do because we see him drink himself to death. Martin has gotten a reconciliatory text from his wife, but just as he's about to go to her, he instead joins the party, quickly gets plastered, and literally goes off the deep end. What's truly heartbreaking is seeing that they've (gleefully and unknowingly) perpetuated the cycle, having encouraged the next generation to drink in order to cope and be "awakened to life". I think there are hints in the final song lyrics ("What a Life") and the movie's poster (the image of Mikkelsen recklessly chugging champagne in a blurry stupor is from the final scene). To me, the seemingly exuberant ending is a fallacy… and utterly tragic.

In a surprise move that everyone saw coming, I'm naming Christopher Nolan as my Snubbed choice, for his twisty, backwards-y spectacle, Tenet. Did I understand the movie? Of course. Oh, you didn't? Dummy.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:

SHOULD WIN: Derek Cianfrance, Abraham Marder, Darius Marder (Sound Of Metal) WILL WIN: Emerald Fennell (Promising Young Woman) GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Aaron Abrams, Brendan Gall (The Lovebirds) INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Sam Levinson (Malcolm And Marie)

Did his name have to be Ryan? No, that wasn't my biggest takeaway from the script for Emerald Fennell's Promising Young Woman. But it was a big one. As Carey Mulligan's chances fade a bit, Screenplay is the movie's strongest chance to strike gold, making a strong run in the precursory awards. The ending of the film has been pretty divisive, but I like that it's completely unexpected. Maybe it's contrived, but it's what makes the movie memorable for me, and separates it from other revenge thrillers. Or maybe it's inevitable, given the themes of the movie and the character pursuing her mission past the point of no return. Either way, did his name have to be Ryan? Unless Fennell's role (she's an actress, too) as Camilla Parker Bowles on The Crown accidentally embroils her in recent royal family controversies, she should be collecting this award on Oscar night.

Most of the praise for Sound Of Metal has been specifically for its sound design. But it starts with the script (written by director Darius Marder, along with Derek Cianfrance and Abraham Marder), which is the blueprint for the sound and experience of the movie. And it's my pick (by a hair) for best screenplay of the year. It has -- hey, whaddya know! -- an actual narrative, with a main character who has an objective and opposition. It's always impressive to me when a story has very little I can directly relate to, but it still manages to resonate, and strikes a tone that feels real. I also appreciate the skill in the writing -- it's minimalistic, yet thorough in the ways that matter. The film doesn't explain a lot or give us much exposition -- it doesn't lean on voice-over, window characters, or monologues. It's quiet. Which may seem obvious considering it's about a man losing his hearing, but even the man himself and the real world he lives in have a muted vibe (despite his mind being anything but calm). The film has also been lauded for its authentic portrayal of deaf people… but not for its authentic portrayal of audiologists. (I mean, how bad is Ruben's audiologist consultation, that he is in no way prepared for how things would sound after getting cochlear implants? I get more information from my dentist when getting a cavity filled.) Also: What does metal sound like? I still don't know.

Aaron Sorkin would seem like the obvious pick here, for The Trial Of The Chicago 7. It's the kind of sonorous, social-consciousness word-porn we've come to love and expect from him. But he's already got an Oscar (though most people assume he has three), and the fight-the-system theme isn't exactly unique to his script this year. Not surprisingly, the movie feels like a mash-up of The West Wing and A Few Good Men, complete with humorous exchanges of smug cleverness, heart-warming declarations of overly-simplified principle, and his own trademark Sorkin-esque version of facts. Sure, the story of the Chicago 7 is intriguing, but would I rather watch a movie about a Chicago 7-Eleven? It's tempting…

I've previously talked about the reasons I appreciated Minari so much (written by director Lee Isaac Chung). A lot of the sweetness of the film is present in the screenplay. He cleverly tells much of the story through the eyes of a 7-year-old boy, so it's told less fact-by-fact, and more through the filter of a child's memory. (Chung based the screenplay somewhat on his own experiences growing up.) Charming as it is, I can't help but view it through the filter of a parent's anxiety: 1) Is moving across the country to live in a small town where you don't know anyone, living in a trailer, and starting a farm with zero experience the best way to solve marital problems? 2) One of the main promotional photos for the movie is a of the little boy holding a stick. Am I crazy, or is that the same stick that the father was going to use to beat the boy when he disobeyed? Did the marketing person keep their job after that? 3) The friend's deadbeat dad leaves the kids alone overnight, presumably out carousing and drinking, then shows up at breakfast hammered, saying, "Tell your mom I was here all night." How many times can you get away with that? 4) When the boy cuts his foot, is it bad that I did not think of the wound or his safety, but about the blood getting on the carpet? 5) Why aren't these kids in school??

Perhaps the script (and movie) with the biggest head of steam coming into awards night is Judas And The Black Messiah, a late entry that has been picking up acolytes left and right. The film has been lauded for its approach to the story of Black Panther leader Fred Hampton -- by telling it as a gritty, 70s-style, cat-and-mouse thriller, from the perspective of the FBI informant sent to help stop him. Director Shaka King (who wrote the script with Will Berson, based on ideas from the Lucas Brothers) has said that structure, instead of a more traditional biopic style, helped get it made by a studio. Despite the inevitability of the ending, the dramatic conflict and ferocity of the performances make for a satisfyingly tense ride.

This is going to come back to bite me, but my snubbed pick is Malcolm And Marie (or, as it should have been called, Things You Shouldn't Say To Your Girlfriend At 2 AM When You're Drunk And She's In A Bad Mood). It's like a really long Bad Idea Jeans commercial. Now, I'm not necessarily recommending this movie. You should know that most critics and regular people hate it. It's two hours of a couple arguing. It's a rough ride. It's indulgent, overwrought, and well, chock-full of mental and emotional abuse. But (stay with me here), if you can get past all that, those elements have a purpose, and there is a point to the film. I think the key is that it's not intended to be literal. It's allegorical for how we talk to ourselves -- the internal conflict we have, when we wrestle with ideas that are hard to reconcile. It's also lyrical; there's an elegance in how the characters spew eloquent vitriol at each other and rhapsodize (okay, rant) about some opinions that seem dead-on and others that seem wildly inaccurate. In some ways, the words seem like the most important thing; but in other ways, I think the movie could work as a silent film. (Either way, it's inventive: It was the first major film to shoot completely during the pandemic, so it takes place in a single home, with 2 actors, in more-or-less real time.) Writer/director Sam Levinson poses interesting questions about storytelling and authorship: Sure, write what you know; but also, and maybe more interestingly, try to write (and learn) about what you don't know. (Case in point: I don’t really have any experience or expertise about the Oscars, yet here I am.) Levinson has gotten a lot of criticism for what appears to be his point of view. I think that's fair, but I also disagree. I believe it's a bit of a misdirection. I think he believes in both sides of the argument; he's been the irrational, emotional one, and the cool, calculating one. The characters are halves to a whole. There's also the frustration with how the couple end up. The film is ambiguous, but audiences seem to think they stay together. I think the girlfriend actually decides before the movie starts that she's leaving him, and this is their breakup. That's why she lets him say all the horrible things he does, because she knows he has to get it out -- it affirms what she already knows, and reinforces her decision. Did I sell you on the movie yet? No? Well, how about this: It's the best autobiographical movie that Burton and Taylor never made.

As an honorable mention, it would have been a nice story had Mank been nominated here, as it was written by David Fincher's father, Jack Fincher, over two decades ago. The elder Fincher was a life-long newspaper man, who had an affinity for 1930s/1940s cinema, a strong knowledge of Herman Mankiewicz, and a fascination with a famously-dissenting Pauline Kael article that disparaged Orson Welles's contributions to the Citizen Kane screenplay. David Fincher had hoped to get his passion project off the ground in the 90s, but hasn't been able to until now. A nomination would have been a touching tribute to his father, who died in 2003. (Another interesting connection: John Mankiewicz, Herman Mankiewicz's grandson, was an executive producer on David Fincher's House Of Cards.) Despite my frustrations with the overall movie, the script is slick, and analyzes some intriguing inside-the-snowglobe aspects of Citizen Kane. It's a crackling, showy piece that jauntily goes out of its way to flaunt its writerliness. (For you keen-eyed writers out there, you'll notice I just made up the word 'writerliness'.) It doesn’t necessarily require you to believe that Citizen Kane is the greatest film ever made, but a healthy sense of awe doesn’t hurt. (It also helps to have a working knowledge of the film's lore, pre-WWII Hollywood, and 1930s -- or some would say, 2020s -- California politics.) The script simultaneously adores and gives a middle finger to Hollywood. Isn’t that what art is supposed to do? (That's not a rhetorical question. I'm actually asking if art is supposed to do that. Because I don't know.)

I've picked The Lovebirds as my Gloriously Omitted choice, not because it's a bad movie, but because it's a missed opportunity. It should have been amazing. The premise, the trailer, the choice of leads, and the chemistry are all fantastic, and set lofty expectations. But the movie itself is just… underwhelming. Maybe hopes were too high, but it's not as clever, tight, or funny as I wanted it to be. The problem isn't the actors -- Issa Rae truly holds the screen, and Kumail Nanjiani is naturally funny (though his character doesn't stray far from previous ones). I think it's the script (from Aaron Abrams and Brendan Gall), which feels rushed and half-baked, like a collection of sketch ideas. It's as if the screenplay left chunks blank, with a note saying, "The actors will figure out something funny on set." For these actors, I'd rather see a taut thriller story, and let them imbue it with humor and humanity. Or better yet, let Rae and Nanjiani write it themselves next time.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:

SHOULD WIN: Christopher Hampton, Florian Zeller (The Father) WILL WIN: Chloé Zhao (Nomadland) GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Jane Goldman, Joe Shrapnel, Anna Waterhouse (Rebecca) INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Ruben Santiago-Hudson (Ma Rainey's Black Bottom)

Adapted Screenplay is going to get swept up in the Nomadland tidal wave on Oscar night, but to me it's probably the film's weakest element. I've talked about my lack of connection to the story. I understand the opinion that it's resonant, but is it revelatory? I can certainly see how it would strike a stronger chord during the pandemic, when we are all isolated; it makes the main character's loneliness feel more real. We've all been living in Nomadland, and whether it's David Strathairn shattering our favorite plates, or our kids shattering our iPad, we're just about at wit's end. But Chloé Zhao's script also plays up the theme of community and interconnectedness, and I didn't really feel that. The main character seems to be closing herself off from connection (though the ending suggests a change that we never actually get to see). A red flag is a movie description that says, "It asks more questions than it answers." Ugh, that's tough. For me, narrative is king. I understand that the movie is literally about a drifter with no plan, and the structure of the film is supposed to make you feel unmoored, but a little plot direction would be nice. Then there's the emotional climax, when Bob the Nomad Guru comes to the rescue to explain the whole theme. He tells Frances McDormand (but really, us) that he gets through grief by helping other people: "For a long time, every day was, How can I be alive on this earth when he’s not? And I didn’t have an answer. But I realized I could honor him by serving people. It gives me a reason to go through the day. Some days that's all I've got." Hmmm, where I have I seen that exact sentiment expressed before? Oh yeah, an award-winning short film called Through The Trees. (Available now, for free on YouTube.)

Dementia Mystery Thriller… is that a movie genre? Well, it might be, after success of The Father (written by Christopher Hampton and Florian Zeller, adapted from Zeller's Tony-winning play). "Exciting" is hardly the word I would use to describe the horrible crumbling of the mind that is dementia, but in this movie, it weirdly fits. The film has a way of presenting the disorder in a unique manner, that goes a long way in conveying the helplessness and frustration of the victim. With copycat movies inevitable, I can almost see Christopher Nolan's version now: Demento, where a mumbling Tom Hardy (unrecognizable under heavy old-man makeup) kills his caregiver twice because he can't remember if he already killed her… or her identical twin. The big twist comes when he discovers whether he killed them in the past, or in the future, or if he's remembering the memory of someone else who killed them. The scenes of the movie play in a different random order every time, and the only score is the constant deafening sound of the old man's heartbeat. Marion Cotillard plays the twins -- apparently the only females in the universe -- using whatever accent she feels like, because she has limited, unrealistic dialogue, and has no compelling story or agency, or any useful traits for an actress whatsoever. Hardy's son may or may not be a British crime lord or an undercover MI6 agent, played by Michael Caine (digitally de-aged to look the age that Hardy actually is). An emaciated Christian Bale, who manages to lose 3 inches of height for the role, makes a cameo as Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Revolutionary practical effects include a life-size recreation of Westminster Abbey inside a zero-gravity chamber, for one massively-complicated but forgettable 5-second shot. It will only cost $723 million, and will go straight to HBO Max. I will name it the best film of 2022.

I may be picking The Father, but I'm rooting for The White Tiger, written and directed by Ramin Bahrani. Set in India in the recent past, it's a striking, chilling tale of what men may be willing to do (or forced to do) to escape poverty. Bahrani constructs a fiery examination of themes that never get old: power vs. agency, freedom vs. choice, complicity vs. culpability. His script uses a lot of devices that shouldn't work: excessive, expository voice-over; explicitly-stated metaphors; speaking directly to the audience; and on-the-nose correlations to current times. But the story and acting are strong enough to make these feel integral. Given the themes and foreign setting, it has the misfortune (or great fortune) of being an easy comparison to Parasite, last year's Oscar grand prize winner. But I find The White Tiger far more accessible and scrutable than Parasite (maybe partly due to the devices I mentioned). A win here would be a welcome surprise. By the way, Bahrani's first Oscar nomination is an interesting footnote to Hollywood lore: In the 2014 Roger Ebert documentary Life Itself, we learn that Ebert was given a legendary token by Laura Dern -- a puzzle that had been passed on from several film icons, with the understanding that each would pass it on to someone truly deserving. Dern had gotten it from revered acting teacher Lee Strasberg, and it originated when Alfred Hitchcock gave it to Marilyn Monroe years before. And now Ebert was giving it to Bahrani. 60 years of movie history, from Hitchcock to Bahrani, and into the future. (Good thing it's not at my house, we would have lost several pieces by now.)

Four of the most famous and popular men in the country walk into a bar… so shouldn't the patrons be freaking out more? One Night In Miami plays out a very intriguing hypothetical scenario: When Malcolm X, Muhammad Ali, Jim Brown, and Sam Cooke all met one night in 1964, what did they talk about? The compelling script (by Kemp Powers, based on his own play) and naturalistic direction (by Regina King) make for a highly enjoyable think-piece and character study. It's a daunting task, to say the least: Not only are they representing extremely visible and important figures, but two of the actors (Kingsley Ben-Adir as Malcolm X, Eli Goree as Ali) are reprising roles already played by Oscar-nominated performers (Denzel Washington, Will Smith) who may be more famous than the actual figures themselves. I guess my hang-up (besides the horrendous Johnny Carson impersonation) is, what are the stakes? Historically, we know the stakes for these four people, in the larger context of their lives and the civil rights movement. But in the film itself, in that single night, for these specific characterizations, what are the stakes? What are they each looking for that evening? I think the movie doesn't fully address this, structurally. Ultimately, due to their fame, we know where the characters' lives go from here -- how it "ends". While that makes it interesting culturally, it feels like it puts a ceiling on the movie in a way, like it's holding something back. With these outsized characters, plot-wise, I wanted a little bit more.

Released in October with almost no warning, Borat Subsequent Moviefilm either single-handedly swung the presidential election, or had no absolutely no impact whatsoever, depending on who you ask. It's a rare feat for an original movie and its sequel to both score Oscar nominations for screenplay; I can't think of another time it's ever happened for a comedy. The fact that it's even under consideration -- given its improvisational nature and whopping nine (nine!) screenwriters (I'm not going to name them all, I'm trying to keep this article brief) -- is fairly astonishing. Even more baffling still, it's been placed in the Adapted category instead of Original. (Pesky Academy rules: Any sequel is automatically defined as an adaptation of the original.) The movie itself is unfortunately a shell of the unrelentingly funny original (Sacha Baron Cohen looks more like a middle-aged man doing a mediocre Borat impression at this point). When the big night arrives, the film will either single-handedly swing the Oscar vote, or have absolutely no impact whatsoever, depending on who you ask.

One of the biggest surprises on nomination day was the exclusion of Ma Rainey's Black Bottom from Best Picture and Best Adapted Screenplay, assumed to be a lock in both categories. It was even thought to contend with Nomadland in this category (it would have gotten my vote, had they asked me). I think it was diminished by the perception of being a fairly straight recreation of August Wilson's play, which is a shame. The film version (written by Ruben Santiago-Hudson) makes wonderful use of the physical space, the confinement, the claustrophobia. And I'd say the movie feels more like an album than a play -- a collection of "songs" (monologues, exchanges, and actual songs), each with its own rhythm, beat, lyrics, and theme, but coming together as a cohesive piece. The composition is effective; it draws you in the way the best albums do, and challenges your brain to think one thing while your heart feels something else. (My only complaint is that I wanted more of Viola Davis and Chadwick Boseman together! Their personalities are electric, and their personas overtake the room. Their conflict is brief (it mostly flows over to conflicts with other characters), and I really wanted to see them alone, head-to-head and unbridled. I realize their distance is purposeful, and important thematically, but damn, it could have been a showdown for the ages. Just another reason to wonder… What might have been?)

The remake of Rebecca was written by a few people, including Joe Shrapnel, whose name may have been a bad harbinger for what was to become of this script. Keep it simple: Please leave Hitchcock alone.

#oscars #oscarpredictions #oscarpredictions2021 #oscarprognostication2021 #donovansoscarprognostication2021 #oscars2021 #academyawards #academyaward

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samurulantis · 4 years

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Watcher in the woods

[@high-stakes-gambler]

Crisp was the late afternoon air, the sunlight streaming through the treetops of the Gridanian landscape. Samuru and Teledji arrived at the Bentbranch meadows aetheryte in good time, the Elezen having met his old friend at his infamous hotel and traveled to their destination via a chocobo. Leading the loyal bird by tether Samuru smiled up at their feathery companion, it’s back carrying a picnic basket and blanket that would be used on their scheduled trip.

“A pity Isen and Tulala were unable to join us, but our beloveds are busy bees and there is nary a moment where Isen doesn’t have an important job to attend to. It is good at least, it means income remains steady.” The beauty mused while the pair meandered their way to the given destination. They pair made their way up a hill and behind a small waterfall, the mouth of the rocky bridge above them expanded outward to reach a serene clearing on the other side. Trees were sprinkled throughout the area towering tall in the air with patches of grass and flowers littered along the path they took.

Samuru took in a deep lungful of air, mismatched eyes scouting the expansive spot to find a good place to set up their impressive spread of food and spirits. “Ah this is nice, it feels like ages since I last had a reasonable outing. Grace is getting quite big and chasing her about saps what little energy I have, and yet I’d not trade it for anything in the world. I did have time to whip up some reasonable food, but let us face facts...there is only one star to this show.” He’d reach into the basket and fish out a large bottle of wine, wiggling it to and fro in the air within Teledji’s sights all while cracking a knowing smile. “Bottoms up, as they say.”

#starter #myrps #Samuru Lantis #teledji adaledji #watcher in the woods #such a nice day...would be such a shame if something went amiss >_>#but that never happens to them no no #ic

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italian-sides · 4 years

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“Ombre e Bastoni”, ch. 2

Here I am with the second chapter! Again, a huge thank you to both @misslilidelaney on Tumblr for writing this and @watcher-from-the-heights for being my beta! I also tag @ts-italian-gang, just in case. One last thing: if you want to support the ff, it’s on AO3 too! Thank you if you’re gonna step by! Enjoy!

Whenever Emilio Picani walked into the Dolce&Remì, all heads turned.

And when all heads turned, Giuda Schiavon's only instinct was to turn away.

To avoid imploding.

At the exact moment the young man crossed the threshold, Giuda understood that he was Patrizio's famous "psychologist cousin".

And at the exact moment he saw his face, only one sentence echoed in his brain:

- Sò ciavà. - [1]

The newcomer sat down at the counter, while Remo looked illuminated with immense light and Romolo seemed to be having a heart attack.

"Patrì. Are you kidding? You should at least have said that your cousin was so beautiful!"

"What are you saying, Romolo? C'mon, you're embarrassing him!"

"Orco can, Pati [2], take it easy! Trust me, it takes much more to embarrass me.", the interested party replied, giving Romolo, who just laughed like a twelve year old, a benevolent smile.

- Nice, exactly what I needed, even the competition with the Stellina. -

Giuda glanced at Remo, who had been wiping the same glass for three minutes.

-Ah, well. Both the Stelline. [3] -

He just looked at the newcomer from behind the counter, through the mirror in front of which the liquors were placed.

Of course both twins already came out swinging, while Virgilio and Luca simply looked at him with the gaze of two hungry lions.

And obviously Patrizio noticed the looks that the Trentine guy - that is Luca - launched at his blood relative, and Giuda shook his head after seeing the Emilian's eyes getting a little bleary.

-If I end up like this too, I'll set myself on fire.-

"You're quiet, Giudino [4].", Tommaso, the only one who seemed immune to the charm of the newcomer, chirped.

Giuda merely smiled slyly, pointing to the group behind him with a nod:

"I'm enjoying the vultures."

"Pffftt, they're terribleee!", the pastry chef whispered, biting his lip from laughing, which made Giuda smile even further and then continue:

"They look like they haven't seen a man for ages, eh? And Patrizio has the face of someone who repented 'a sbrega'."

"At what?"

"Someone who regretted it very much. I’ll have to teach you Venetian sooner or later, boss."

Tommaso nodded, and Giuda decided to get defensive even before anyone could attack him.

"Plus, like... He's not even that cool. He's pretty, don't get me wrong, but c'mon, to the point of making all four of them lose their heads?"

Tommaso nodded, shrugging:

"Agreed. And I hope Luca will soon get over this thing before Patrizio goes on a killing spree."

"Patrizio should also get a move on, however; Luca is too much of a wimp to realize he's drooling like a slug. If he doesn't get moving, someone else will take him and I’d like to remind you that the last time Patrizio got drunk, he got a sad hangover."

"Don't remind me, please."

"Ao, regà!" [5], Remo sneaked in and took them both by the arm, smiling like the idiot he was.

"Come and meet the newcomer!"

- Oh, no, please. -

"Boss, at least let me take off my dishwashing gloves!"

"No no, you have to keep them, I want him to understand who's in charge!", the 'older' brother of the Stella twins laughed at the request of his dishwasher.

- Curses.-

With a movement worthy of the worst drunks in Caracas, he brought Tommaso and Giuda in front of the newcomer, who had a smile capable of melting Giuda's heart in an instant.

And it did.

"Emilio, here's my co-partner and pastry-chef Tommaso Sandero, and my all-rounder, dishwasher, whatever-you-want, Giuda."

"I have a surname too, you know, old man.", with an eyeroll worthy of a Hollywood star, Giuda turned to Emilio.

Shit, he was even more beautiful, up close.

"Giuda Schiavon. I would shake your hand but I have gloves on."

"Schiavon?", Emilio asked, lighting up.

How beautiful a human being could be? Was he even legal?

"Ahah, his name is Schiavon. Which is perfect, since he's ours... [6]", Remo started, but Emilio dreamily clasped his hands in front of his face and asked, interrupting him:

"Are you from Veneto too? I'm from Verona!"

Giuda just shrugged, nodding immediately after:

"Par tera, par mar, Sammarco. [7]"

"Can del porco, un Venexian! Beaaa! [8]"

Having said that, Emilio approached him, pretending to speak in great secrecy - which was impossible, since everyone was still staring at him as if he was a wonderful thing, except perhaps Romolo, who was just looking at Giuda as if he was the worst thing that ever happened in this world:

"Cossa go da far pa aver na bona ombra de vin qua? [9]"

Was he trying to speak Venetian?

Was there a limit to how cute he could be?

"Ask Remo. I only wash the glasses, I don't fill them."

Having said that, he turned to the owner, making a superhuman effort to take his eyes off Emilio, who seemed quite dazzled by the answer.

"Can I go back? I have to go to the kitchen to finish washing the dishes before other people arrive for happy hour."

Then he turned back to Emilio, waving at him with half a smile:

"Fellow countryman, enjoy your stay in Bologna."

And then he left, without giving him time to answer.

Three years passed since their first meeting.

Three years in which Romolo made the funniest epic fail with Emilio, in which Patrizio decided to stick his tongue down Luca's mouth, and Virgilio pretended to be drunk to touch Romolo's ass, whom he said he'd forgotten, but Giuda knew that was bullshit.

Because he, being a chronic liar, could basically smell the lies.

In fact, not even for a second did he let anyone remotely suspect of his mind-blowing crush on the psychologist, especially the above mentioned, given that he was probably now convinced he hated his guts.

Which was the intention of the Venetian, since he took for granted that the thirty-year-old was far beyond what someone like him could afford.

After the disastrous relationship with one of his university buddies, Giuda indeed decided that being single was far better than being heartbroken.

Even though his heart wasn't too good.

Treating Emilio badly was making him lose sleep, at times he risked forgetting to put on his contact lenses due to tiredness, and even Virgilio took the piss out of him for the bags under his eyes.

And now he was there. Gloves in one hand and a broom in the other.

With Remo looking at him with a Cheshire Cat's smile on his face.

"You little snake. I get it, you know? You like the Veronese."

"You're speaking nonsense. I’d rather kill him right now. I dropped the glasses because of him."

"Don’t fuck with me. Tommy and I yell at you all the time and you’ve never jumped like this. Yo, Coso [10], I can smell lies too, you're not the only one. You’re being a little shit because you like him."

Giuda kept looking the bar owner in the eye, trying to deny it with all of his body language.

"I. Don't. Like. Emilio. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but Mr. Psychoanalysis isn’t exactly my cup of tea, okay?"

"Giuda..."

There was something in Remo’s voice, something that for a moment opened a breach in the Venetian's heart.

Maybe... Maybe he could trust someone.

"...From the first day he walked in here. You all got over it. But me? Never. I don’t have a crush on Emilio, Remo. I’m in love with Emilio. But I’ve suffered enough in the past to know that I’m better off alone. What if it goes wrong? How am I gonna look at him? How...?"

"You don't know that. I mean, I don't know either even if I live with him, how can you, if you run away every time you see him?"

"I personally believe that what you don’t know can’t hurt you."

"If Luca were here he would scream 'Boiate' [11]. Giuda... I..."

"Welp. It's too late now, the damage is done, right? He’s probably convinced I hate him even more after today's crap."

With a bitter laugh, Giuda surpassed the roman, continuing:

"I blew every chance, amen..."

"Giuda."

"But surely he won’t stop coming, we’re his favorite bar and you’re his roommate..."

"Giuda, shut up."

"I'm sure he'll find someone else pretty quickly, he just needs to breathe and someone always comes along."

"Giuda!"

The dishwasher turned again towards Remo, biting his lip as the stupid tears began to stream down his face.

"I can’t do this, okay? After Mattia, I don’t know what to do, with a man. Besides, I’m kind of a mess. Emilio will never appreciate someone like me."

Remo remained silent for a moment, before moving forward... and hugging? Giuda.

The Venetian was baffled, usually it was Tommaso, the one with whom he sometimes allowed himself affectionate gestures.

"Shut your mouth, you’re not that bad. And I swear on Totti [12], I’ll help you get the therapist, whether you want it or not."

Giuda laughed bitterly, his face stuck in the chest of his tallest peer.

"Yeah, sure. And how are you gonna do that?"

Remo let him go and asked, very seriously:

"Do you know how to play briscola [13]?"

[1]: transl. "I'm fucked" [2]: "Holy crap" + Pati = a nickname for Patrizio [3]: this is a pun with Romolo and Remo's surname, "Stella" = "Star", that here is referred as "Stellina/Stelline" = "Little Star/Little Stars" [4]: a nickname for Giuda, a diminutive of his name [5]: a Romanesco dialect exclamation that means more or less "Hey, guys!" [6]: it's a pun with Giuda's surname, Schiavon, that in italian, without the "n" at the end, is "Schiavo" = "Slave" [7]: it's a Venetian saying that literally means "on land, on sea, San Marco", but more broadly it means the power of the Venice Republic that reigned both on the land and on the sea [8]: "Good heavens, a Venetian! Niiice!" [9]: "What can I do to have a good glass of wine around here?"; in Venetian dialect, "ombra" means both "shadow" and "glass of wine" [10]: "coso" is the italian version of "thingy" and/or "dude/dingus" [11]: yes, "boiate" is the italian term for "falsehood", in this case [12]: a famous Italian soccer player, specifically from Rome [13]: a very popular Italian card game

1 - 2 - ?

see ya next time, ciao!

Quando Emilio Picani entrava al Dolce&Remì, tutte le teste si giravano. E quando tutte le teste si giravano, l'unico istinto di Giuda Schiavon era di girarsi dalla parte opposta.

Per evitare di implodere.

Nel momento esatto in cui il giovane aveva oltrepassato la soglia, Giuda aveva capito che era lui il famoso "cugino psicologo" di Patrizio.

E nel momento esatto in cui aveva visto il suo volto, solo una frase gli aveva rimbombato nel cervello:

- Sò ciavà.-

Il nuovo arrivato si era seduto al bancone, Remo che sembrava illuminato d'immenso, e Romolo che sembrava stesse per avere un infarto.

"Patrì. Ma stiamo a scherzare? Ce lo dovevi minimo minimo dire che tuo cugino era così bello!"

"Ma cosa stai dicendo, Romolo? Mo' dai guarda, che lo metti in imbarazzo!”

"Orco can Pati, stai calmo! Guarda che ci vuole molto di più per imbarazzarmi." aveva risposto il diretto interessato, scoccando un sorriso benevolo a Romolo, che si era limitato a ridere come una dodicenne.

- Ben ciò, perché mi mancava la competizione con la Stellina.-

Giuda aveva lanciato uno sguardo a Remo, che stava strofinando lo stesso bicchiere da tre minuti.

-Ah beo. Entrambe, le Stelline.-

E si era limitato a guardare il nuovo arrivato da dietro il bancone, attraverso lo specchio davanti al quale erano sistemati gli alcolici.

Ovviamente entrambi i gemelli erano già partiti all'attacco, e Virgilio e Luca si limitavano a guardarlo con lo sguardo di due leoni affamati.

Ovviamente, Patrizio si era accorto degli sguardi che il trentino lanciava al proprio consanguineo, e Giuda aveva scosso la testa vedendo i suoi occhi velarsi un po’.

- Se finisco anche io così mi do fuoco.-

"Sei silenzioso, Giudino." Aveva cinguettato Tommaso, l'unico a sembrare immune al fascino del nuovo arrivato.

Giuda si era limitato a sorridere sornione, indicando il gruppetto alle sue spalle con un cenno del capo.

"Mi sto godendo gli avvoltoi."

"PFFFF sono tremendiii!" Aveva sussurrato il pasticciere mordendosi il labbro dal ridere, cosa che aveva fatto sorridere ulteriormente Giuda che quindi aveva continuato:

"Sembra non vedano un uomo da millenni eh. Veramente. E Patrizio ha la faccia di uno che si è pentito a sbrega."

"A cosa?

"Pentito molto. Devo insegnarti il veneziano prima o poi, Boss."

Tommaso aveva annuito, e Giuda aveva deciso di mettersi sulla difensiva ancora prima che qualcuno potesse partire all'attacco.

"Che poi... Neanche fosse così figo. Bellino eh. Ma insomma, da far andare fuori di testa tutti e quattro?"

Tommaso aveva annuito, facendo spallucce.

"Ti do ragione. E spero che a Luca questa cosa passi presto prima che Patrizio faccia una strage."

"Patrizio dovrebbe anche darsi una mossa però eh, Luca è troppo impedito per accorgersi di quanto stia sbavando come una lumaca. Se non si muove finisce che se lo prende qualcun altro e ti ricordo che l'ultima volta è andato di sbronza triste."

"Non ricordamelo, ti prego..."

"Ao, regà!" Remo era arrivato di soppiatto e li aveva presi entrambi sottobraccio, sorridendo come lo scemo che era.

"Venite a conoscere il nuovo arrivato!"

- Oh, no, ti prego.-

"Capo fammi almeno togliere i guanti da piatti!"

"No no, li devi tenè, voglio che capisca chi comanda!" Aveva riso il maggiore dei gemelli Stella alla richiesta del suo lavapiatti.

Maledetto.

Con un movimento degno dei peggiori ubriachi di Caracas, aveva portato Tommaso e Giuda al cospetto del nuovo arrivato, che aveva addosso un sorriso capace di sciogliere il cuore di Giuda in un istante.

E lo aveva fatto.

"Emilio, ecco il mio socio e pasticcere Tommaso Sandero, e il mio lavapiatti tuttofare quello-che-vuoi, Giuda."

"Ho un cognome anche io sai, vecchio." con un eyerolling degno di una star holliwoodiana, Giuda si era voltato verso Emilio.

Merda, era ancora più bello, da vicino.

"Giuda Schiavon. Ti darei la mano ma ho i guanti."

"Schiavon?" Aveva chiesto Emilio illuminandosi.

Ma quanto poteva essere bello un essere umano? Ma era legale?

"Ahah, si chiama Schiavon. Il che è perfetto visto che è il nostro..." Aveva iniziato Remo, ma Emilio aveva stretto le mani davanti al viso con aria sognante ed aveva chiesto, interrompendolo:

"Ma sei veneto anche tu? Io sono di Verona!"

Giuda si era limitato a fare spallucce, annuendo subito dopo.

"Par tera, par mar, Sammarco."

"Can del porco un Venexian! Beaaa!"

Detto questo, si era avvicinato facendo finta di parlare in gran segreto - cosa impossibile visto che tutti lo stavano ancora fissando come se fosse una cosa meravigliosa, tranne forse Romolo che stava guardando proprio Giuda come se fosse la peggiore delle cose mai capitate a questo mondo:

"Cossa go da far pa aver na bona ombra de vin qua?"

Stava cercando di parlare in veneziano?

Ma c'era un limite a quanto potesse essere carino?

"Domandarghe a Remo. Io lavo i bicchieri, non li riempio mica."

Detto questo si era girato verso il titolare, compiendo uno sforzo sovrumano per distogliere lo sguardo da Emilio, che sembrava parecchio abbacchiato dalla risposta.

"Posso tornare di là? Devo andare in cucina a finire i piatti prima che arrivi altra gente per l'happy hour."

Si era quindi girato di nuovo verso Emilio, facendogli un cenno di saluto con un mezzo sorriso.

"Conterraneo, buona permanenza a Bologna."

E se n'era andato, senza lasciargli il tempo di rispondere.

Erano passati tre anni, da quel loro primo incontro.

Tre anni nei quali Romolo aveva fatto il più divertente degli epic fail con Emilio, nei quali Patrizio si era deciso a ficcare la lingua in bocca a Luca, e Virgilio aveva fatto finta di essere ubriaco per toccare il culo di Romolo, che diceva di aver dimenticato, ma Giuda sapeva essere una balla.

Perché lui, le balle, le subodorava, essendo un bugiardo cronico.

Infatti, nemmeno per un secondo aveva lasciato che qualcuno sospettasse minimamente della sua cotta allucinante per lo psicologo, specialmente il suddetto, visto che si era probabilmente ormai convinto di stargli sullo stomaco.

Il che era l'intento del veneziano, visto che dava per scontato che il trentenne fosse ben oltre quello che uno come lui potesse permettersi.

Dopo la disastrosa relazione col suo compagno di facoltà, Giuda aveva infatti deciso che single era decisamente meglio che col cuore a pezzi.

Anche se il suo cuore non stava troppo bene.

Trattare male Emilio gli stava facendo ormai perdere il sonno, a volte rischiava di dimenticare le lenti dalla stanchezza, e persino Virgilio lo prendeva per il culo per le occhiaie.

Ed ora era lì. I guanti in una mano ed una scopa nell'altra.

Con Remo che lo guardava con il sorriso dello Stregatto dipinto in faccia.

"A serpentino. L'ho capito eh. Te piace er veronese."

"Tu stai vaneggiando. Ora come ora lo ammazzerei. Ho fatto volare i bicchieri per colpa sua."

"Nun me piglià per il culo. Io e Tommy ti gridiamo contro in continuazione e non hai mai saltato così. Senti Coso, pure io le subodoro le stronzate, non sei mica l'unico. Fai il merda perché ti piace."

Giuda continuava a guardare il titolare negli occhi, cercando di negare con tutto il linguaggio del corpo.

"Non. Mi. Piace. Emilio. Non so cosa ti sei messo in testa, ma Mister Psicanalisi non è esattamente di mio gradimento okay?"

"Giuda..."

C'era qualcosa nel tono di Remo, qualcosa che per un attimo, aveva aperto una breccia nel cuore del veneziano.

Forse... Forse poteva fidarsi, di qualcuno.

"...Dal primo giorno in cui è entrato qui dentro. A voi tutti è passata. Ma a me mai. Non ho una cotta per Emilio, Remo. Io sono innamorato, di Emilio. Ma ho sofferto abbastanza in passato da sapere che sto meglio da solo. E se poi va male? Con che faccia lo guardo? Come..."

"Non puoi saperlo. Voglio dire, non posso saperlo io che ci vivo assieme, come puoi farlo tu se scappi ogni volta che lo vedi?"

"Sono del parere che ciò che non sai non può farti del male."

"Fosse qua Luca urlerebbe 'Boiate'. Giuda... io..."

"Beh. Ormai il danno è fatto, no? Si sarà convinto che lo odio dopo la stronzata di oggi."

Con una risata amara, Giuda aveva superato il romano, continuando:

"Mi sono bruciato ogni possibilità, amen..."

"Giuda."

"... Però di sicuro mica smette di venire, siamo il suo bar preferito e tu sei il suo coinquilino..."

"Giuda piantala."

"Di sicuro troverà subito qualcuno, gli basta respirare e arriva sempre qualcuno..."

"Giuda!"

Il lavapiatti si era girato di nuovo verso Remo, mordendosi il labbro mentre le stupidissime lacrime iniziavano a scendere.

"Io non ce la posso fare okay? Dopo Mattia non so più come comportarmi, con un uomo. E poi sono un casino. Emilio non potrà mai apprezzare uno come me."

Remo era rimasto in silenzio per un attimo, prima di avanzare ed... abbracciare? Giuda.

Il veneziano era basito, di solito era Tommaso, quello con cui a volte si permetteva gesti affettuosi.

"Ti devi de sta zitto. Non fai così schifo. E te lo giuro su Totti, io ti aiuterò a prenderti lo psicologo, che tu lo voglia o no."

Giuda aveva riso amaramente, la faccia ficcata nel petto dell'altissimo coetaneo.

"Seh, vabbè. E come credi di fare?"

Remo lo aveva lasciato andare ed aveva sentenziato, serissimo.

"Sai giocare a briscola?"

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