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modernpolymath · 7 years

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Eurovision Semis #1

a.k.a. Aria’s running commentary.

Intro:

Mel, I don’t know how you’ve kept getting these assignments, but please don’t stop. I know GBBO isn’t around anymore, but please don’t leave just because you are now our default entertainment presenter.

Ukranian rap/hip-hop artist? Eyesore? I’m confused.

Okay so top of head braid ponytails are a thing now? Is this a trend I’ve missed out on.

Who are these three guys? I don’t think I could pronounce their names if I tried. Having three presenters is weird enough, not having a male-female double act is just wrong. I still think they missed a trick with not bring Verka back. EPIC FAIL UKRAINE.

#eurogenius The term is accepted.

I wonder if they actually speak French, or if he just learned these phrases.

“And the odd horsehead.”

Their smiles are REALLY WIDE.

And we’re off!!!

Sweden:

First act to ever start backstage? I mean sure, why not.

I can’t get over these super 90s suits. The haircuts and the mock turtlenecks. Also his suit is purple? Props for diversity though.

And I just gotta say: didn’t we move past the treadmill performances when OK GO did it like 8 years ago?

WHAT IS WITH THE OKAY SIGN????

I think Sweden is trying to go retro and reclaim their former glory.

Georgia:

I LOVE THIS ALREADY. Her hair. Her cape. Her dress. Red and fog and minor keys. YES.

That eye make is on point. Wink on point.

CAPE IS OFF. THE CAPE IS OFF.

I think she can actually sing...? Or not. She does well until the refrain, so I don’t know.

FIRE FIREFIREFIREFIRE We have our first fire!

I really want to like this song. And I think I do.

OH SHIT, it looks like she stole the UK’s ball graphic.

EPIC END.

“Several key changes and a cloak.” Mel knows whats up.

Australia:

“Which I don’t feel bitter about in any way.” Say it Scott. We all hate them.

OH MY GOD he’s in the graphics in the background. OZ!! I think you figured out how Eurovision works. Sorta. Hot guy who can sorta sing, over-do it on the effects

I am distracted by his lack of socks.

This song needs something more.

MORE FIRE

When I meant more, I didn’t mean riff Issiah, you’re not a strong enough singer for that. So In that, good job Aussies, you put forward an appropriate contender this year. You have learned your place.

“Another sockless man on stage.” MEL KNOWS WHAT’S UP.

Albania:

What’s with all the ballads this year?

Her eyes are so big.

Albania’s feeling like the white, purer version of Georgia.

Wind machine. We have wind.

I’m not sure she can walk in this dress.

Whoa? Did we move from sort of clock to a futuristic floating world? Don’t get it, but sure.

At least this song picked up more than Oz did. But it still needed to drop the beat or something. It just stayed so constant. Meh.

Belgium:

It’s so Mumford and Sons. But wow, the audience is so into it.

I am not entirely sure she’s singing more than 2 notes.

This song is good but your staging sucks.

UGH all of these ballads need to pick it up mid-song. They’re so monotonous. This one in particular.

She should have sung in her head voice the WHOLE TIME.

She seems like a super sweet girl who is maybe a bit overwhelmed.

Montenegro:

YES YES YES SLAVKO

WAIT IT’S DETATCHABLE?!??!?! I am slightly less impressed now.

Nevermind. OMFG I love this entire thing so much already.

This whole thing is so Eurovision.

PANTS PANTS PANTS

Rock it to the stars. Yes let’s do that. These pants need to shining down on us at all times.

This overhead shot of him laying down on his face is amazing.

It’s cheating if you twirl your braid with your hand! THERE WE GO.

I get the feeling this is probably a better to watch on TV than in the audience.

“Absolute quality.” MEL KNOWS WHAT IS UP.

Finland:

This postcard posing is so Finland.

Fog so much fog this year.

First singer who is actually singing and singing to the way their song is written.

I still don’t get this song though... I mean I kinda get it, but the lyrics with the composition doesn’t make sense to me. Also is this a Eurovision song? Maybe?

IS THAT A BURNING PIANO?!??!?! No, just a bit of fog, but I’ll count it.

We’re red and angry now.

I do honestly like this song, and she may be one of the best signers in the competition.

Azerbaijan:

OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS POSING AND LOOK SO AMAZING YES YES YES

Azerbaijan, super props for making up for your rather sucky act last year.

This act is amazing. It is so out there, but it’s also so amazingly perfectly Eurovision? In a way that Germany’s last year was not but tried to be this.

They are committed. Is she seducing a man with a horse head? Are these people actually members of the band, or just prop men? I don’t know but it’s working.

Consistency and thematic integration A++ for Azerbaijan.

“Only at Eurovision.” “We have told Finland their piano is on fire.” CALLED IT.

Portugal:

“That means if you think she’s rubbish tonight you cant even tell him.”

Oh, we have a mini-stage!

What.... what is this?

Don’t get me wrong, I love jazz and lyrical contemporary music. I go to jazz clubs for fun. But I.... what is this? What happened to Eurovision this year?

Okay, but he’s adorable. And I 100% love the audience for getting into it with him.

Is this ballad year though?

“Pure art alert.” True story. I feel like this is Australia 2016 all over again: Portugal came back to win and forgot that this is not an event you send your best artist to.

Whatever, I’ll take it.

Greece:

Ooofffff, harsh entrance girl.

This is traditional Eurovision right here.

I don’t even have anything to say about this act other than it’s a back to basics. Half-naked men, electric upbeats, high notes, dancibility, light shows, some odd staging gimmick.

Yup.

Poland:

VIOLIN

Here’s our quintessential be yourself, be stronger, ballad.

WIND MACHINE

This is very Rise like a Phoenix.

Could she be bound any tighter to get some cleavage out of her though?

Have I won ESC Bingo yet?

UBER WIND

Moldova:

EPIC SAX GUY

Violin and sax and tuxedos.

This song will so get stuck in my head for the next 3 days....

EPIC SAX GUY

This leg move can’t be good for your hips though.

Because I can’t get it the beat out of my head, it’s probably going onto the finals.

Iceland:

Damn girl. You’re postcard is A+++++++++++. Be my friend. “In her spare time, she likes to bathe in unicorn tears.” YESSSSSSSSS

This is like Jessie J meets Madonna meets Gwen Stefani. And I’m kinda of digging it?

Capes are in this year.

Her shoes are AMAZING

Iceland is my lady crush of ESC 2017. It’s official.

I so wish this staging was more epic though.

WAIT WAIT WAIT HERE IT COMES

Laser show, lighting breakdown. Where’s the wind????

Awesome. Yes, more please.

Czech Republic:

Wait, isn’t their country now Czechia or something??

I appreciate this outfit?

CZE is probably winning best use of lighted floor award tonight.

I think this song would have been much better received earlier in the night.

She can sing though. Which is always nice.

Cyprus:

“Lots of sockless behaviour this evening.” MEL KNOWS WHAT IS UP.

This song has promise, despite your ankles showing. But maybe that’s a positive to show off your footwork?

LOOK IT’S RUSSIA’S BLOCKS FROM LAST YEAR!

Camera work is good on this one.

Okay the silhouette thing is cool.

Sorry CZE, Cyrpus just stole your staging award. This whole performance is really well thought out and maybe a bit too good for ESC? I’ll allow it.

Armenia:

Okay, I was going to count Armenia out 20 seconds in, but then the beat picked up and the camera jumped. Good.

This has got to be so much better on TV than in person.

I kinda dig this song. My pole dancing self would totally rock to this.

FIRE

Dancing is good.

Slovenia:

He’s cheeky.

I do like this song, I’ve heard it before. It just get weirds at point. Like maybe there should be the opera guy in here somewhere?

You know, it’s basically like a Josh Groban song.

Latvia:

Group act, bring it!

WHAT IS THIS

Neon. Crazy eyes. Insane hair. I don’t get this outfit. I don’t get this song. I don’t get this staging. Am I missing something?

Oh, well here it is. Maybe this is it.

Nope still don’t get it.

My TV stream is confused by what to do and how to render all these lights and colours. Pixelation central.

I just don’t get it. Is this Georgia all over again for me?

Voting:

These guys are too stiff. Please just stop trying to be funny.

OH MY GOD - bringing it back to the OMFG new scoring rules and how fucking stressful that was. I am so ready for it again this year.

I am still not over the political FU that has happened over this song and over Eurovision. I mean, on the one hand it’s just a song competition, but on the other, shit man, this is why Eurovision has a ban on political songs. That said the Drama has been delectable.

VERKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YES. Okay, but still. Ukraine fail that this wasn’t your host. I will never forgive you. Yes yes, Jamal’s great, but we really want Verka and laughs. Ukraine you’re not keeping it fun enough.

“Wazitgutenuf.” I swear, I am normally good with accents, but wow, Aleks is taking this to a whole new level of speed and incomprehensibility.

Moldova - duh, of course.

Azerbaijan - I am so glad, I am so down with this whole thing.

Greece - eh, sure, it’s traditional, but I thought others were better.

Sweden - I dunno, this feels like a thank you more than deserved.

Portugal - I am secretly really happy?? He’s adorable.

Poland - nope, sorry, no. You were fine. Iceland was WAY better.

Armenia - okay, sure, but I don’t think you’ll hold up.

Australia - fiiiinnnnnneeeeee.

Cyprus - totes, 100% well deserved.

Belgium - ugggghhhhhhhhhhhh, I want to like this song, but it was as shitty performance.

Montenegro was robbed in that you know this is what Eurovision is about and really he should have gone through on that alone. Ultimately, it wasn’t a strong performance though....

I’m pissed about Iceland. She should have been there.

At least some of the crazy and stupid slow songs didn’t make it.

BRING ON ROUND 2!!!

#eurovision #esc2017 #i am not disappointed #but i am questioning why everything's so somber this year #i get the world is shit right now #but isn't that all the more reason for light fun and happy europop?

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