#or say no i cant fucking go out in a pandemic i get covid tested no i cant drink on a weekday i have soccer

[katyobsesses]

.

#so i definitely have whatever illness my mum just did #but will she believe me? nope. #im pretty sure i have a fever too but we dont have a thermometer so... #first thing im buying for my first aid kit when i move out os a themometer jfc #i feel like absolute shit and all she says when i tell her is #''you dont go outside. its like your becoming a shut in.'' and ''youre okay enough to play dnd apparently'' #firstly as far as i know ill be completely unable to play dnd tomorrow so fuxk off #secondly the reason i rarely leave the house is because 1. notging to do here #and 2. youd butt in and wonder where im going like im 16 again #and also 3. im pretty sure staying here over the pandemic has made me mildly agoraphobic #like i literally freeze when i need to go outside. sometimes even just leave my ROOM #i cant with this anymore #can my anxiety fucking leave just for a couple of months? #just so i can get a job and settle a bit and move the fuck out of here #i want to be an adult again. i want privacy!! independence!!!! #and also i want to not feel like im about to throw up omg i feel like shit #i might have yo yake a covid test uhg #though my mums came out negative so??? #katy liveblogs life 2022

[robotapotheosis]

Eternally frustrated some of us rightfully pointed out the "learn to live with the virus" tning did not mean actually trying to control the spread, and we were right.

We said they were going to keep forcing us to work, let us get reinfected over and over, act like the pandemic was behind us, and sacrifice the disabled elderly and poor. They said no! Learning to live with the virus meant improved air ventilation, sanitization measures, and mandatory masking periods! Surely no one will be sacrificed for the sake of the economy!

I don't think some or most of the doctors saying learning-to-live with the virus were lying about where things would go but i do think they were extraordinarily naive. And if they realized they were wrong i dont know if I've heard any of them say so.

Every day customers and coworkers come in coughing unmasked, on surfaces, or on product, sometimes into their hands before they touch products. Children sit in carts with wet hacking coughs and chewing on merchandise. My coworkers don't wash their hands. My bosses come in sick. I'm one of the few people who masks and wash my hands before/after getting on the salesfloor.

And you can't complain. You can't ask people to keep their distance, or not to come near you when they're sick, or to wear a mask, or whatever, because somehow asking people not to cough into the open air is now considered rude, despite covid, you know, potentially causing irreparable neurological damage to your body, especially with repeat infections. So its completely on you to keep Yourself Safe.

Covid tests dont fucking work. My infection would not appear on anything but the hospital tests. Other people have been reporting only saliva tests are reliable. The nose sticks are basically garbage, the saliva tests are expensive.

It's very likely i have POTS. I still need to see a doctor about it but I would not be surprised if that ended up on my chart. I've had the symptoms my entire life, and I'm going to keep having them. I don't know what will happen if I get covid again. I don't know if ill have another lucky roll and just feel a little weak for a month and a half afterwards or end up with CFS or a tube down my throat. I don't know.

I don't know how long we're all going to put up with this. I dont know why IM putting up with it. I'm basically repressing my self preservation instincts at all times. Because polite society has deemed it Mean and Invasive to ask people to stay the hell away from you if they are sick.

This country fucking treats homelesness like its a moral failing on part of the person but if you get fucking infected with this thing and it fucks up your body and you end up on the street because you dont have family or friends to fall back on, you still get blamed!

Its incredible. This is what learning to live with the virus has amounted to. Society failing everyone but especially the most vulnerable. For a while I was waiting for people to wake up to this. That we cant ignore our way out of this fucking pandemic. But the people who i wanted to wake up wont. The naive doctors and politicians who are supposed to be on our side but have ingested the same flavor of denial.

They will not do their jobs unless we make them, and we can't make them until we start talking fucking frankly and openly about this.

#i and by (we) i do include (me) too

[swampgallows]

people literally dont give a fucking shit about their community or anyone but themselves. like what am i supposed to do, roll up to the rave scene post-covid and feel some kind of kinship with the people more than happy to throw me and people like me under the bus for a candy bar? it’s not that i dont want people to have fun, im not bitter that people are going to events and im not; in my opinion the best case scenario IS requiring proof of vaccination and masks indoors or in congested spaces (even if open air). like that makes basic sense to me. and then quarantining until you can get tested and receive results. that’s how l.a.’s current event and vaccine mandate is (though whether or not venues actually enforce it is left to be seen). but these people arent fucking doing that!!! they’re just rollin up to unregulated raves as if there isn’t a deadly pandemic, taking people at their word of whether or not theyve tested negative or are vaxed (when i know for a FACT there are people in attendance who are unvaxed), then treating me like im just being a paranoid controlling cunt because i want to both be able to see my friends again while not contracting a life-threatening virus or potentially lifelong neurological disability. 

all it says to me is that my friends dont want to see me and that they dont give a shit about who they hurt. all they care about is doing whatever the fuck they want to do without any regard for how it affects the people around them. it just reminds me more and more that people think that health is some kind of moral stance, that i’m more likely to get sick because i’m a bad person, or that because they think of themselves as being good people that they won’t get sick. and because of their privilege, the truth is that yeah, THEY probably won’t get sick, they’ll just be a repository to pass it onto someone else who WILL. while they’re doing their insulated delivery jobs, the few minutes they spend waiting for an order can be the time that they unwittingly transfer delta to another waiting customer, or to the staff member. or that person will go home and infect their elderly parents, or their kids under 12 who CANT get vaccinated. 

it’s been a YEAR AND A HALF of this fucking shit and people still cant get their shit together. because they just straight up don’t care. they dont care who they kill. they dont care who they hurt. they dont care who they debilitate. by god, not if it inconveniences them for 2 days out of 6 weeks to get vaccinated. not if it interferes with their ability to cultivate clout among teenagers and 40 year old gun nuts. i am just fucking sick of this shit. i am so fucking sick of people thinking they can simultaneously call me a friend while also actively endangering my life because they can’t be fucked to wear a STRIP OF CLOTH over their nose and mouth. fuck the hell off.

#blathering #covid /

[chronic-invisibility]

SH TW!!!

Welp i just relapsed with cvtting again

My brain isn’t in a great place rn

I’ve been having really really bad allergies or maybe a cold or a sinus infection or who knows what but either way i feel like shit i cant breathe and my nose is raw from how much i’ve been blowing it and i’m definitely going to call my allergist again and say something’s got to change bc this is unbearable but then i remembered that cold-like symptoms are common covid symptoms and now i’m terrified i might have it. Like i’m vaccinated and boosted but that guy came in to work last saturday and i’ve been to the city and see who knows how many people at work and if i get covid i’ll definitely give it to my parents bc we live together and they’re both teachers and if i get people sick bc of me i’ll never be able to live with myself i’ve felt like this since the beginning of this whole pandemic if i get sick and spread it to my parents i’d never forgive myself but if they then spread it to a student or to my grandma who’s in hospice that would be truly horrible and i would not be able to live with myself. I’m like trying not to freak out about it and i’m going to take a rapid test “in the morning” bc i cant fucking get myself to go to bed like a normal human being and i can feel it killing more my chest hurts and I’m exhausted and my joints hurt worse than ever and i’m having more migraines and i’m still numb but like despairingly numb i just want something to change i cant go on like this i just want it all to stop i cant do it anymore it’s all too exhausting and confusing and big

#vent #sh tw #tw self harm #vague sewerslidal thoughts

[darlingfreddie]

Brooo the covid post you made! Say it louder for the people in the back!

My school has been lowkey gaslighting us students and didn't take the severe spike in cases over winter break seriously (omicron spiked in the city and our daily school cases went from 2 a day to over 30). I got two close contact notices the first two days we came back and I asked to get tested in school just in case. They said because I was vaccinated, unless I showed ENOUGH symptoms they wouldn't test me and I would have to go to the local testing center if I showed any symptoms at home (which the wait time right now for the local testing center, on average, is about 3 and a half hours, which just so happens to be outdoors with the daily temp. right around 25°F. They also mentioned buying a rapid test but all 5 local stores that carry them were all sold out). They also said that over 200 students were getting close contact notices and a majority of them weren't getting sick so I would be okay (they also pointed out how I was double masking and had hand sanitizer so I DEFINETLY wouldn't get covid).

So I begrudgingly went to school for the rest of the week and proceeded to test positive on Saturday morning at Track practice. Had my coach not pushed the school to let the athletes get tested I would have possibly spread it to other people because I was completely asymptomatic. I'm not saying national governments, local governments, and school systems are all failing us by trying to gaslight everyone buuut if they had taken me seriously I wouldn't have now felt the guilt of possibly spreading covid to someone else at my school because I had no symptoms. 🤷 (but yes they are all gaslighting us and I want to start a revolution)

Reading this actually infuriates me and I’m not afraid to say it the government is failing us on every level, we’re being told to live with this virus to a point where survival of the fittest is being so normalized without a second thought, we’re told its ‘mild’ but even so there is long covid and for thousands of people omicron WONT be mild, it will kill them, vaccinated or not and we’re being pushed to just accept that some people will die from a preventable illness because the economy (A MAN MADE FUCKING THING THAT LITERALLY DOES NOT EXIST) is more important than the already short years of existence that we only get once.

I cant even deal with this it’s so tiring that people are getting sick because the government is just like ‘well you’re gonna get it anyway so :)’ like its the fucking chickenpox when it should NOT be like this, we need school closures, we need jobs to close down or at the very least off long term remote options for those who want to stay home i cant believe i have to scream WE’RE STILL IN A PANDEMIC!!!! In the middle of a fucking pandemic like I’m the crazy one

#it literally never ends

[comradelionheart]

This is where I feel safest.

In the blueness of this site, held in comfort as if under my blanket of soft fur.

No one here will ever know who I am or the people I speak of. No one can find me here. I have a questionable habit of running off to avoid being witnessed when I fail or am in pain, and this is where I run to. It is luckily not a boy this time. Well, it’s sort of that too, but not predominantly.

I haven’t shut G out this time. When I thought I’d lost my shot at the job I deleted my WhatsApp and all other social media, and refused to surface until I was willing to face people again. This isn’t unlike when I graduated college uncertain of what to do with life next and just... vanished. I’d a pretty promising presence on Facebook that could potentially have introduced him and I sooner, but I guess life unravels at its own pace and nothing can force it to go sooner or slower. I’ve grown rather accepting of failures because I have unfortunately grown accustomed to them. It’s almost like I expect to meet with resistance or failure each time something nearly works out and in this case I can’t say I willed it upon myself. I literally tested positive for TB. Which is amusing since those are my ex’s initials, and is yet another TB which seems to be hampering my progress. 

Dry humour is what I’m best at if I’m being my authentic self. I must unfortunately smile and wave because I’m a woman and need to be likeable to get anywhere in my line of work. That isn’t to say I’m a sociopath or hate people. I just wish I didn’t have to pretend to be interested in their lives and feign amusement at their not so novel ideas. Pretty sure I’ve not so novel ideas too, but I don’t need to be indulged for the sake of my (not) fragile ego. Anyhow.

I applied for this job early in the year and didn't expect to hear from them (because the first few years of my work life had me flailing and coping with depression instead of steering my career, and I know I shouldn’t grudge her for this but I do). But I did hear from them. And everything went through. Including 3 rounds of aptitude tests and a personal interview (which I thought I bombed but didn't somehow). Until I tested positive on a skin patch test for TB. Why do these stupid standard sets of tests get prescribed world over? Honestly, if I’m ever supreme leader of anywhere I will ban standardised tests. Not in the way that I say medicine is a sham, not at all, but in the way that WE LIVE IN THE THIRD WORLD AND WILL OF COURSE HAVE TAKEN THE BCG OR HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO THE BACTERIA AT SOME POINT BUT IT’S NOT NECESSARILY EVER GOING TO BE ACTIVE SO USE A BETTER AND MORE CONTEXT SPECIFIC TEST INSTEAD OF GIVING ME ANXIETY AND EXISTENTIAL CRISES LIKE THESE, JFC. 😭😭😭

But I’ve taken the other test and that’s also got the drawback of being unable to differentiate between inert and active TB. So I took an HRCT scan. I’m so sick of running around hospitals, there’s a literal virus in the air. But Monday is when I’ll know the medical verdict. And then there’s the whole security check process. I hate when this happens but I’ve lost so much time to grief, I simply cannot sit around moping any longer. 

Earlier this year I interviewed with the **. I was given a verbal confirmation and had a text message implying an offer was made to me, because I received an acknowledgement to my acceptance of an offer. If I was the person I was in 2014, I’d have kicked up a fuss and made sure that offer was honoured, but 2021 me knows that working with bosses who go back on their word slyly and cave to nepotism usually need their cocks sucked. And I’m not only incapable of that, but have also dealt with enough workplace harassment elsewhere to be adamant about a brand at the risk of my mental health. But really, he can go suck it because I have confirmation from staff that he is EVERYTHING I read him to be. I’m not intuitive or anything, I just read people very well because I was hurt so bad by them (repeatedly since childhood) that reading people became a thing I did for survival. My sharp instincts serve me well, but are a trauma response. I am very self aware too, yes.

I then interviewed and got through an NGO that was willing to pay me 24L. I turned it down because the founders were running around like headless chicken with their inability to distinguish PR from Marketing Comms (me) from Marketing for business development. I know I was being paid a lot of money, but I will not kill myself performing all three functions while being acknowledged for just the one on my offer letter. I’ve learned to value my labour capacity and assert myself in the economic and political spheres. 

Personally though? I sometimes still think I’m a romantic pushover.

But this is about work because I need to weep a little before being calm about how this year has treated me. Especially since I’m maintaining a cool demeanour in public and literally hate sharing things I’m burdened with. Idk man, it makes me feel vulnerable and I don’t like feeling like I’ll get a knife twisted in the spot that's most sore. I AM SCREAMING BECAUSE I HAVE LET G WITNESS ME IN PAIN THIS TIME INSTEAD OF RUNNING AWAY and will someday file copyright over An Enduring Romantic because that’s very honestly me. But ofc it isn’t going to be the legal Copyright, just the sham notice like the one I’d sent him to up his Instagram game. Or he could just operate my Twitter and I’ll run his gram. It’ll even feel natural.

Sometime around May an environmental journal asked me to come on board. Work from the office at the height of the pandemic with no travel compensation and very little money. I turned them down. Then came II**. Which I again turned down because they wouldn’t pay market rate for skills I’ve perfected in 4 years just because they wanted 8 years experience on paper for my quotation. I will do a lot for causes I love, but I also really enjoy being paid fairly and acknowledged for the value I bring to the table.

Then came the start up in Del. Which I turned down because the uncle running it in his wife’s name expected 24*7 labour availability for 12L with no health insurance.

The latest in my list of things I’ve turned down is the ** Gov. Which I can obviously go back to since my reason for turning it down was another job, but 14 days of leave all year? 7 day work week if needed? Hell no. I enjoy having labour rights. But also when I told the dude I’d be reporting to if I accepted that I cant accept due to covid concerns his reaction was “sure, send me an email so we can start looking for someone else immediately.” Like.... we just had a second wave, what if something was wrong? I wouldn’t risk losing my job because they expect work even if I were hypothetically coughing up blood. So best not to touch with a bargepole. Now I’m less sad, but also really hope the TB results are negative. This job I want and have said yes to ticks off all of the boxes in my head and I will truly be disappointed if I lose it to disease paranoia despite being completely suited and picked for the role 😞

Just to be on the safer side, I have taken one last shot at achieving my goal of ‘learn how political systems work so you know what you’re talking about first hand in that PhD.’ I hope my Plan A works out instead, though.

Since I’ve brought him up in this, it will be interesting to note that a year ago I did the erstwhile unthinkable act of cutting a friend of for attempting to steal a man I love. A year ago to the date, literally. Funny how this year is more calm, but I was maxed out on endorphins from him last year. Until this March even, if I’m being truthful. I don’t regret cutting her off.She crossed a vvvv red line. ALL my other friends are celebrating. They detested her. 

Another thing that happened last year was me letting him know that I only get hotter with time, but along with this work drama I have also had a run in with intense grief which I thought was a mood disorder (because it was intense, I mentioned?), cholesterol, thyroid, sugar addiction and now, le TB (PLEASE BE A FALSE POSITIVE YESU KRISTU HALP). So needless to say, I haven’t been most fabulous and undergone my physical transformation and these mental health struggles (are getting better now) strapped me to my couch along with the pandemic and its many lockdowns. I have also not studied for the GRE because I’m stimulus seeking via social media and fear of sucking at math has kept me locked in place. I still have a lot to work through on this front and would really like to make his cover right too, but my creativity isn't working and I keep fucking it up. I am not as spectacular as I was last year. The separation has also weathered my dazzle out a little and while I’m living with it, I still have small waves of sadness that show up once in a while.

I might have also accidentally flirted with someone into falling for me. It was all fun and games and for my pride, but now I’ve to gently let them down since I’ve cold feet and am chicken. Because I’m as emotionally unavailable as a streetlamp. Is this why they call me a Gurgaoni fuckboi?

[heartfucksmouth]

Mom's result was negative.

So all of our tests were negative, all from different testing sites (therefore I'm assuming different labs?) but me and mom both feel sick now. Today is 17 days from known exposure. Does that even make sense as a timeline? Our quarantines are up but *now* we are sick? That's why I'm not sure its covid.

My symptoms keep happening on and off? I'll have a fever and sore throat and feel terrible, then I'll sleep/rest for a day and feel a lot better. Then I do too much around the house and the next day I feel worse again and get a fever again. I felt okay today but then I had to run around and do too much cleaning (I was super stressed bc mom feels so sick) and I know I'm hitting a wall. I wont be surprised if I wake up feeling like shit again.

Mom has a bad cough and a sore throat. No fever though. I've made her a bunch of tea and I gave her electrolyte water. We're masking in the house still and we've made sure to stay in separate rooms as much as possible. I'm so thankful she got her albuterol for her nebulizer before this so she can stay on top of her treatments. Fuck.

I've cleaned so much and washed my hands so much today that they were the driest they have ever been. I couldnt stop wiping shit down after I touched it and just in general and I was like "I am going to have a fucking phobia of germs after this, I swear" feels bad, man. I keep freaking out about our toothbrushes being too close together.

I dont have the energy as it were to do all this cleaning and then me obsessing over dishes harboring germs and wanting to do extra laundry like washing my scarf and my coat and shit... it's getting bad. I know its bc I'm trying to control something. Like if I can just get everything clean enough it will somehow make my mom un-sick.

I hate this so much. I just wanna know if we have it or not. I just wanna know if its JUST a fucking cold. I feel paralyzed and like everything I do is wrong. Like I'm contaminated and like I'm contaminating the world if I go out in it. But we need groceries and i cant afford to order delivery bc the only store near here is pricey and then delivery is even more expensive on top of it.

I don't even feel like I can talk about this stuff with anyone anymore. I feel really alone again and like nobody understands how much this is bothering me. Or, rather, they probably do understand - but what can they possibly say? There isnt anything to say and theres even less they can do.

I just want people to fucking wear masks and stay the fuck home. I want this pandemic to be over. I want this government to be done with. I want everything to be fucking different.

I want to feel safe.

#personal #covid19

[cheaper-by-the-half-dozen]

on Im sitting here bored and waiting for time to pass.  I cant go to bed until like midnight because I forgot to take my morning pills and didnt take them until noon.  I have to take them 12 hours apart so it looks like a late night for me, at least I can sleep in tomorrow.  Because of my previous manic episode November/December they added Zyprexa.  I started seeing things...crumbs growing legs and walking across my table or moles on my body turning to bugs and burrowing into my skin.  Yikes that is fucking hard.  My doctor wants me to keep taking it, shes saying the reason I am seeing things is because I am extremely triggered from Delilahs death.  I mean shes not wrong.  Delilah my two month old niece died a month ago tomorrow. I miss her.  I miss my brother.  He is so broken.  I never got to hold Delilah I never got to meet her because of the pandemic.  Her death came 2 weeks after the death of my moms husband.  (Not my abuser).  My therapist thinks its normal that I am having such an intense reaction to all this.  I dont know yall, this sucks though. My legs are on fire.  I decided this year to use lent as my own little time to challenge the fuck outta myself.  So I am following the low carb/high fat plan on itrackbites and I am walking 5 miles every day during lent.  I am also completely off facebook for the next 40 days.  Theres other things like an unpacking challenge and declutter challenge.  I am on day 3 of 5 miles per day and my legs hurt so bad.  I know I should take a rest day but I told myself I would do it every day so I dont really wanna break it.  If my legs hurt too much tomorrow I will decide then.  Until that decision is made I am popping pain relievers (advil) and telling myself ‘no pain no gain’ or whatever that saying is.

Jeff and I started a new little date night thing.  Its more of a family night thing but its mostly just for him and I. We started the Marvel franchise in timeline order.  We have watched Captain America, Captain Marvel and today we watched Ironman.  Jeff has seen all of them, I havent.  Captain America and Captain Marvel were new.  I loved Captain Marvel.  I still think Captain America is overrated lol.  Idk why.

I downloaded the Peanut app and have met two friends!  One is an hour away and doesnt drive or anything so I am not really sure how much we will hang out.  The other one lives behinds the boys’ elementary school.  I am really excited to actually hang out and see if we click as well in real life as do in text.  She seems awesome.  I feel like once Covid is over we will know a couple people.  We will see. My sister and I made plans for our families to spend Easter together.  My niece (the one who was paralyzed in the accident) is at an incredibly high rate for death due to Covid due to her injuries.  Finn is high risk/immunocompromised.  We both spend all our time in social isolation (no one in or out, grocery deliveries)  We get together a couple times a year after we take covid tests.  We havent seen her since mid-january and I miss her and my nieces and nephews (and her husband) terribly.  So they are gonna come spend Easter weekend here and its Santanna’s birthday on Easter.  I am excited.  She has 5 living children and my 6, it turns out to be a fun time.  I will have a huge Easter Egg hunt and goodies bags for the kids to be given to them on Friday night.  So, I have that to look forward to.

My brother started dialysis last week.  My heart breaks for him.  He is in high spirits and my mom says hes really making progress as far as learning the machines.  I am so, so proud of her and the work she is doing for him.  She buried her husband and her granddaughter and was told her sons kidneys were in total failure and he needed dialysis in a fucking month dude.  She stands facing the storm unwavering.  My mom and I have our issues but I cannot help but look at her and think maybe, maybe I got my strength for her and the long line of Elliot women who came before her.

Not really sure what else to put here y’all.  I really would like to get back to using tumblr as a place to brain dump but its probably still really fucking toxic so.

#tw: death #tw: child death

[sea-salted-wolverine]

Okay so last week was a shitkicker and was literally so bad I spent the better part of the week trying to delude myself into thinking it was a good day. Like, we're talking, "the sun is shining and I'm here to see it so today is a good day" and "I'm having a bad day- fuck me I am not haveing a bad day- I'm having a good day- I'm not having a bad day". Denial is a powerful tool for mental health, apply judiciously. I get that everyone on earth is kinda having a shitty year but it feels like things just kinda escalated in my little corner

The 7th had a huge snow storm that brought traffic to a stand still. No one could leave the house and university class was online anyway. Batshit customer demanded to pick up her gear anyway. I drove in because I was the only person with keys to the shop that could get to the building. It took me a solid 2 hours going 15mph on the highway. The snow in the parking lot was up past the fenders of my truck. Crazy lady gets 10 out of 18 of her survival suits back but the other 8 still have holes in them because our only repair tech is also the only one who answers the phone or runs the computer or handles customers or cleans or disinfects anything or stores gear. I'll give you one guess who that person is.

Did you guess me? Good for you. Fun fact this was not the case in October.

Crazy lady swans off through the snowed in parking lot and because she cant find the exit, blasts straight through the ditch and onto the road.

I say fuck it and leave. I've been at work for 2 hours. I have made 24 dollars for my trouble. It takes me another hour to get home.

The 8th is Saturday and I'm supposed to be at work. No one can drive. There was another 10 8nches of snow last night. I say fuck work and go to dig out the plow truck. The canopy over the plow truck collapses as I walk out to clear the snow of it.

I do not scream.

My partner and I get the truck running and go plow people out of their driveways and then go do the shop.

We come back home and the heater doesn't work. We just spent most of last week frantically trying to limp the thing along because no heat at -20°F is in a word fucking unpleasant. At least now its 40 degrees warmer because if the snowstorm. We take it apart again. The house smells like diesel. The house smells like exhaust. The house is not cold because the wood stove can keep up at 20 above zero but it won't keep us through the winter.

There is no saving the oil heater. We need a new one.

Its 730 and neither of us have eaten. I start rice in the pressure cooker so I can throw a tasty bite on top and call it dinner and that dies too. Explosively.

Dinner is half cooked rice and microwaved curry.

Sunday is spent finding a way to stretch our increasingly thin budget to buy a new heater. Between us we actually have 2275$ and we will still cover the mortgage. Somehow. All our Christmas gifts will be hand made this year. The next thing that breaks will stay broken.

Monday, power outages due to snow storm. No wifi, no zoom meetings. Another 8 inches of snow. This is now more snow than my city gets for the full year.

My boss calls sobbing. The dog died. Joey, an 11 year old, 130lb mastiff with a tumor the size of a football on his liver has been her constant companion for at least 8 years. The pandemic has confused the bejesus out of him because while he loves the lock down and going out to play every hour or so he doesnt really like the concept of strangers in masks. Hes a guard dog and doesnt understand that men in masks coming into the shop are not here to kill mom they're wearing masks so they don't kill mom.

Mondays the shop is closed anyway and I spend it installing the new heater. It doesn't quite fit in the space the old heater came out of but its warm.

Tuesday, I go to work, everyone cancels class, I once again gently explain to a regular that eugenics is bad. I would like to curse him out. I cant. He drops a grand on scuba gear and leaves, talking about how great his trip to Mexico will be.

I do not scream.

A friend calls to ask how I'm doing. Not great. Yea, her niether. She asks if I want to go out to the backcountry with her over the weekend. I explain that my leg physically does not move and I'm downing copious amounts of advil to remain upright. The doctor sent me in for an MRI but has not yet called back. Plus I'm supposed to go to Valdez for the weekend and actually go diving. That I can do with limited use of my leg.

She says yikes, take it easy, take care of yourself, I love you.

I say, yikes, I'm tired of taking it easy, I wanna play, I love you too.

Hit me up if your plans open up and we can do something gentle on your leg. She says.

God yes. The cold woods away from people sounds like paradise. I dont even care that it will cause me rending physical pain to get there. I need a break.

Its Wednesday. I go to school. I get pulled over. Miraculously I dont get a ticket. I'm white female and conventionaly attractive, maybe not so miraculous. I rolled through a stop sign but I'm pretty sure I couldn't afford a ticket.

I get a text in class. One of the instructors who works with the dive shop has tested positive for covid. I haven't seen the man in 2 months. I needed a spare instructor but he was nowhere to be found. But hey, evidently that's a good thing.

I go to work. I vacillate between doing the job a 4 people and having nothing to do.

I go to the grocery store because I misjudged my last monthly grocery run and even though I'm increasing my exposure I'm out of cheese and tea damnit.

The store is packed. Pandemic who?

My partner and I haven't had a date nite in a while and this week has been shitty. I want a nice dinner. I pick up a couple boxes of the carton sushi which isnt terrible and is about as nice as I can justify on the new budget. I grab a gallon of milk and a few other things. I forgot my wallet in the truck and the cashier is chill and sets my stuff aside while I grab it.

I pay and take my stuff home and realize I left one of my bags at the store. No cheese or tea for me.

Thursday. 10am my phone goes off with an emergency alert. The govoner has grown a spine in light of recent elections and is instituting a voluntary lock down. My state has 500 new cases a day. That might not sound like a lot but theres only 300,000 people in Alaska and we've got poor medical infrastructure.

Unfortunately Alaska is full of Alaskans and nobody can tell us what to do. Nothing changes. 7pm rolls around and I'm teaching scuba classes in the pool.

I load a few hundred pounds of scuba gear into the back of my truck. In a wet wetsuit. In the snow. In a fabric facemask. 6 feet apart. In the pool.

I dont get paid for pool time.

Over the summer we had 6 dive masters including me, all big burly dudes, much better suited to picking things up. Its November and I'm the only one.

The kids I'm teaching are going to Hawaii. They're 10 and 13 and so wildly excited about breathing underwater its beautiful to watch. And they're traveling to an island. In a pandemic.

Friday.

Unload scuba gear so it doesnt get stolen out of the back of my truck while I'm at class. Were doing a make up lab today. Hey of the five student in my class only one of us has covid so theres that.

My boss calls an let's me know that shes left for Valdez without me. If I'd like to make an 8 hour drive by myself in a snowstorm I'm welcome to follow.

I'm in class till an hour before shop closing. I'm not driving across town so I can run on the open sign for half an hour.

The shop stays closed on Friday.

Saturday.

I explained to everyone we had business with that the shop would be closed over the weekend and Friday. I planned on being in Valdez. Hell I canceled plans to be in Valdez.

I open the shop and immediately field calls about why we werent open. I start to explain about the Valdez trip and logistical difficulties and then I realize that shes not mad about that. The woman was here before I opened early this morning. We have never been open that early. The hours are on the door.

A regular comes in. Hes also confused as to why I'm here.

Sunday finds me curled up in bed, reluctant to leave. Getting out of bed has not played out well for me recently.

A friend comes over to chat with my partner about specialist rifle parts. This isnt that wierd, he works at a gun shop and they've been discussing upgrading my partners current rifle set up.

He is wearing a full Scottish kilt. Red tartan. Looks very lovely.

I make zucchini bread and my proportions are a little off because I have too much zucchini so it's a little over moist but it's good. I'm recovering from an asskicker of a week and next week will be better.

Monday morning:

Baby brother has covid

Dads getting the results of his rapid test tonight.

Mom isnt getting tested because she says she doesnt have symptoms but that's not the fucking point mom.

So, I'm not going home for thanksgiving. I'm not diving in Valdez. I'm not skiing backcountry.

I'm not sick. I'm not flat broke yet. I dont have a ticket. I have a job. I have people who care about me. Im managing my physical and mental health as best I can. Im just fucking exhausted.

#vent post #writing #holy fuuuuuck #2020

[venting402]

So let’s just say I’m disgusted with my family now. TW// self harm, mention of suicide

Well like two weeks ago my cousin and my mom were on the sofa. Nothing wrong. I was putting away my grandpa’s old clothes into a vacuum sealed bag because he’s dead and his clothes would get dust sitting in the closet. My cousin goes over with her friends quite often, which I tell my mom that she should put an end to because it’s not safe. My mother NEVER listens to me on anything. When I brought up that they need to take the pandemic more seriously my cousin had the rebuttal of “well u went to ur friend’s house”. Less than a month into lockdown bc it didn’t reach my city yet, yeah. My mom was willing to risk it to go to a party, which I had to stop her from doing.

So my cousin went to her friend’s house over this past week. One of her friends already has a family member who lives with them test positive. On Saturday we went to get coats and in the car she was wearing her mask which I pointed out. Well later we stopped in a parking lot to eat so she took it off in the car so wtf. The next day she was watching music videos in the living room. Yesterday she found out the friend’s house she went to tested positive and she thought since her friend was not showing symptoms it was not a concern.

Of course my mom got mad. Told her she had to stay in her room for the next 10 days. Had yet to sanitize what’s in the house. Well today my uncle who went on a rant on Facebook saying how the fuck can the virus be real showed up at my house. Text my mom he’s here because he showed up with 3 of my younger cousins, not his, let him know. I have to go inform him because that’s the responsible thing to do. HE TELLS ME HES IMMUNE AND ONLY OLD PEOPLE GET IT. THAT KIDS HAVE YET TO DIE FROM IT.

I tell my mom how it played out because she blamed his rant on him being drunk so I tell her “it was not bc he’s drunk or high”. Her response? “Why would u tell him that. Him coming over is a risk they have to take!” ALL I TOLD HIM IS HE CANT COME OVER FOR A WHILE!!!!!!

She constantly gets mad over the news and how people don’t take it seriously yet told me, her only living child, that shit.

Around 9/10 ish I started to cut myself. I started to get more frustrated with my family then the world and one day before I even put a blade to my arm I told my mom, hyperventilating, that I wanted to die. Told me some “other people have it worse than you” bullshit. Among other reasons but that’s why I cut myself, I get so angry and I’m not a violent person. She took my blade away, didn’t stop me. Recently I’ve had it too much with her where the idea is tempting to say fuck it.

My mother is willing to risk my uncle getting covid, the twins he babysits getting covid, their younger brother, my diabetic tia and her diabetic husband, her two sons, grandchildren, that tia’s daughters and their families since they go over quite a bit, my other tia’s kids since my uncle stays over there, that tia’s grandchildren and her boyfriend. ALL SO MY UNCLE CAN HAVE A PLACE TO CALL IN MY HOUSE DESPITE THE FACT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH US BUT HE DESIDED NOT TO BECAUSE HE WAS OK WITH GETTING HIGH RATHER THAN PROTECT HIS OWN DISABLED FSTHER FROM HIS DRUG ADDICTED BROTHER WHO VERBALY ABUSED MY GRANDPA. She doesn’t want to throw out his dresser full of clothes he doesn’t wear and hasn’t for years because it’s his even tho it creates space in her office room.

I swear I hate this. If I could I would try to be somewhere else but now I’m waiting for her to get home later and 100% fight with me. I’m sure we won’t speak to each other for a good 3 weeks maybe. I’ve been clean for so long I think today might break me.

[yris-june]

18 November 2021

Me in the middle of the night:

What’s the name of main actress in Jurassic World?

Well I just finished an episode in Blackmirror S3 and I saw this lady whose face is quite familiar but cant recall her name at all. Then I realized she’s the main cast in that dinosaur movie, but her shape was like completely different to the gig. So ya I looked it up and that’s how I ended with the question.

She deliberately gained extra weight for her role in Blackmirror, by the way. Old story, I know. I am such an outdated person.

Another reason that keeps me awake tonight. Insecurity attacks.

I read some news about the covid-19 case, even tho deep inside I dont want to dig up too much anymore but yah, my scientific half could not resist.

The reported new case numbers are pretty low these days, yet today it reaches over than 500. A little bit concerning since people have been extremely unaware of this pandemic and many going out without masks, thinking that covid-19 has ended once they got vaccinated. I personally have loosen up my awareness too but it doesn’t mean I refuse to wear protective mask in public area. I only take it off when eating, including eating out with some people, and working out. Also with people I know, so it will be easier to trace back if something happens. But still, I get a little bit paranoid when it comes to crowded place. I always prefer quiet place or could be public area with private room for safer means.

People have been discussing about the possibility of third wave by the end of this year or early next year. They say, all will be caused by the long holidays, Christmas and New Year. Uhm hello, have you seen the instagram these past few weeks? Everyone is literally going on a vacation. The beaches and cafes are so friggin full. So if the third wave happens, sooner or later, it is not solely the fault of the holiday tourists. They - I mean the others who go on vacation now- are supposed to take the blame too. I do not meant to judge anyone but please don’t be so shallow. I am planning for a holiday trip too and praying everyday that everything will be okay. Frankly saying, I am afraid the flight will be cancelled one or two days before because of the third wave. But yah, I’ve bought it anyway.

I mean, I also need a short get away to refresh my mind. Please don’t be selfish by allowing yourself or your relatives to go but talk ugly about other people’s vacation. That’s a double standard.

I guess I have met my concern in my workplace anyway. There is this person, who’s being very loud about covid-19 but he himself not practicing it properly. He talks about how ‘ignorant’ people are by going out and not wearing masks, but he himself? You bet. I’ve seen him many times, going around without mask talking to other people in the office, offering food samples. And he himself attend a party with his friends and often eat out with them. What the hell?

He made rude comments in the chat group about the holiday thing when there were two person who just got back from their vacation. He didn’t address them directly but you know what he’s talking about.

I mean, come on.

Don’t judge people who are in need of fun. Or self-healing. I am pretty sure they are aware of the risks and willing to follow the health protocol. Most of them. Exception to people who have no heart at all. But from what I’ve seen, they all do the test according to government’s rule.

Stop being a judger, if you don’t want to go then it is your choice. Keep yourself safe the way you think is best. Have fun your way. But don’t fuck with someone else’s holiday. You never know how much effort they’ve prepared for a short get away.

[viccovid]

Vic press conference 30/08/2021

you can watch the presser yourself here 52 of the new local cases were linked to current outbreaks, with 21 under investigation. 24 were in isolation throughout their infectious period. of the active cases, 800 were acquired locally and 5 internationally.

vaccination is still considered key for our state's recovery from the pandemic.

26702 vaccines were administered by state-run clinics, a 20% increase from last weekend. Victoria is almost halfway to the premier's 1 Million Vaccine campaign. there's a strong demand for the Pfizer vaccine, to the point where there are no more appointments available through state-run clinics

GPs and pharmacies are about to open up to offer the Pfizer vaccine! see your GP to book.

Astra-Zeneca is still available, but no one wants it, it's recommended for 60+ (or 18+ through your GP with informed consent)

testing is, as usual, going well.

there are 49 people in the hospital being treated, 15 of those in intensive care, with 11 of the 15 on a ventilator. :( Kylie, who works at Western Health, a hospital in the western suburbs, came to speak about the covid response. she works with a group that helps prevent 100s of admissions into intensive care. she explains that there's an incredible amount of stress on healthcare workers, with workers coming home after 12hr shifts, go to incredible lengths to sanitise before seeing their families, terrified of infecting their loved ones. she's seen nurses and healthcare workers visibly hurt from the PPE they wear to protect themselves and others, and what they don't understand is that there are young, fit Aussies being taken into ICU. these are senior nurses, not new, and Kylie's asking everyone; if you haven't been vaccinated yet, please book in. keep yourself safe, keep your family safe, keep your community safe, trust the science, and get vaccinated. (I'm gonna take a sec, seriously, go watch her speech, my heart hurts for them)

okay! back to the calming voice of whatsisface. of the local cases; 20 are linked to existing cases, with the original cases having no known source. 9 are linked to the Shepparton outbreak 5 to the My Centre childcare setting 5 to al-taqwa 3 to the city of Hobsons bay outbreak 2 to Glenroy west primary 2 linked to the sunshine hospital emergency department's household contacts 2 linked to the chemist warehouse in hoppers crossing and some others. keep up to date with exposure sites here

there are now more than 16 thousand close contacts and 20 thousand secondary contacts.

the locations of significant new cases are as follows; 7 Brimbank 15 Hobsons Bay 18 Hume 14 Wyndham 9 Shepparton

active case ages:

170 are 0-9 124 are 10-19 167 are 20-29 150 are 30-39

in terms of Shepparton, they suck. all cases have been linked. less sucky.

in short; stay home, check the exposure sites, and where's Dan???? Kylie's back! she's been asked, if the outbreak in NSW was to be replicated here, what would happen? (I say, we'd be screwed start buying your tombstones now, but Kylie's a little more optimistic) she says that it's possible for our ICU's to be overwhelmed. Delta is more contagious. it's possible our healthcare would struggle to keep up. there's not enough staff, not enough beds, and not enough anything to keep up. Kylie is confident that Western Health would be able to support a fair amount. she was then asked how people saying "open up" makes her feel, and she says terrified. she feels for everyone affected, but it'll horribly affect the communities health badly. experienced ICU nurses have gone to her in tears. it's overwhelming. the general community, especially the ones saying we need to "just open up" don't understand what's it's like in the hospitals. the patients differ this outbreak, with the patients being younger, and more people requiring ventilators. Kylie explains that we're lucky to have the vaccines, and while it is new, it is safe. it's better for everyone to get vaccinated.

she says the people protesting covid laws scares her, especially considering the flow-on into the hospitals. it's not a conspiracy.

I'd just like to say that Kylie must have incredible control over her use of language, I would've told the reporters to fuck off. or that I think the protestors are fucking idiots. vaccination good. outbreak bad. everyone else is doing better than us.

the current govt. response is to get the numbers as low as humanely possible. locking down LGAs is on the table. (I think it's a good idea) idiot reporter asks: wHy CaNt We LeT vAcCiNaTeD pEoPlE oUt Of LoCkDoWn?!? simply, VACCINATED PEOPLE CAN STILL CATCH AND TRANSMIT COVID???? IT STOPS DEATHS AND LESSENS HOSPITALISATIONS, LOWERING THE STRAIN ON OUR HEALTHCARE SYSTEM??? get your head out of your ass??? govt. dude was more put together. it's possible. but not yet, soon maybe. when the numbers are lower. "doubly vaxxed" curfew MAY be lifted. playgrounds MAY be opened.

no hard promises. these reporters are idiots. just to finish off: follow the rules, get vaccinated, and if you have questions flick em over and I'll get to them :)

[flyingcookierambles]

hhh

got afab’d at the eye doctor today arrgh

i wouldve corrected him but like. i doubt that ill go there again since it was like a super quick kinda-non emergency thing and i have a regular eye doctor i go to. also my mom was in the room and like. i didnt wanna bring it up with her there and all but like. uugh.

he just like immediately picked female on the gender option even tho there was an other option and everything wtf?????????????

hmmm also i had to go to the doctors for a quick check up/physical thing since im/my mom is going to make me get my drivers license and you have to have a doctors note and all and i went to my moms doctor or the first time since i aged out of my pediatrician. and like? they had me and my mom in the same room which was kinda weird???? like for the whole patient confidentiality thing (which wouldve been useless since like my mom knows more abt my medical history than me) and like also the whole. pandemic thing??? like?? it was me, my mom, and the nurse practitioner crammed into a tiny basic exam room?? maybe bc my mom has been going to this doctors’ office for a long time and also since we’re family, they must’ve figured taht we both dont have covid and couldnt spread it to each otehr like other random patients who are strangers to each other but still. it was. annoying.

the nurse asked me some questions about like my medical history. and all and i couldnt answer some of it bc i dont remember exact dates/times and stuff. but also she asked if i had been diagnosed with depression or anything and like if my mom wasnt in the room, i wanted to say that my mom wont let me see a therapist and/or be diagnosed. 

so like when i turned 18 i had a final check up at my former pediatrician before they kicked me out of the system lol. i am p sure that it was for shots and stuff that i needed for college???

anyways despite being 18, they had my mom in the room with me the whole time. and then they gave me a worksheet that was a basic “do you have depression” test. and the doctor left, but my mom was allowed to stay??? 

and like. since i was starting college and stuff at the time, and also was/am causing my lower middle class family great financial hardship in the form of college tuition and student loans with predatory interest rates and increasing the chances of losing our house bc, with the combo of my dad dying and the recession of the early 2000′s and general declining quality ever since earlier mentioned death, our family business sucks and we barely make any money. also my mom keeps complaining about this to me and it constantly hangs over my head and i feel guilty about being a dumbass who cant get a job and repay the stupid loans (how tf is interest rates on student loans legal??? fuck capitalism????) (uuughghgh i feel like my mom should get herself a therapist or smth instead of constantly complaining to her eldest agab child uuuhghghghgh. id make one of those eldest d*ughter jokes but im not a g*rl so eldest child lol)

anyways yeah so like 4 years ago when i was starting college and also today to a degree i felt like a massive piece of shit and had social anxiety and also probably depression that is only kept at bay by constantly distracting myself with anime and video game. and like. maybe??? i couldve benefited from talking to a therapist or counselor or getting medication????? instead of?? like?? whatever my obsession with anime and video games is???

buuuuuuut since the pediatrician let my mom stay in the room for some reason, my mom, a boomer who knows nothing of mental health and is kinda insensitive about it so its super cringe to talk to her abt stuff, was like “you’re not depressed. youre a middle class kid who’s never like starved or whatever. just answer 1 on everything.” (the scale of depression was like 1 - not feeling depressed much to 5 - i feel like this everyday.)

so yeah????? 

wow sorry doctor i cant answer half your questions about my medical history bc im either adopted and dont know my own genetics or my mom wont let me get tested for mental illness?????????????

once at 2018 or 19 tekko, i wanted to go into the dnd room and like i got so socially anxious i had a crying breakdown in the freaking hallway and had to like. sit down alone and try to look normal by playing my 3ds on the floor. like i hovered outside the door to the dnd room for a whole hour just like staring in and wanting to go in really badly but i couldnt???? i just???? cried????? in public????????? had a breakdown or something at an anime convention??????????????? i like dont even know what the heck happened 2 years ago or if that’s what it would be called but like????????? im pretty sure that mentally healthy people with no social anxiety problems dont stand outside a room for half an hour and then start crying bc you cant bring yourself to go into the room even tho the door is like wide open?????????? thankfully i finally just like went in and joined a the last game session of the day, but it was still like surreal to me?????? i just??? extremely loathed myself for like an hour for crying and not being able to walk thru a doorway it was so weird i felt like absolute garbage and im p sure that normal ppl dont go thru that??????

since i only make like. $11 an hour at a retail job im not really sure if i can even afford a therapist, and then theres also transportation and also the whole pandemic thing. but ive been thinking about like 7cups or something. there was also this other website that showed you therapists that were uniquely qualified for treating poc/queer/neurodivergent/etc., ppl in your area and there was surprisingly a few in the pittsburgh area that i could probs get to by bus, so maybe ill save money and go like. next year or something. or like. whenever the pandemic is over.

#idk man #rambles

[ishamelisaa-diary]

--A Storytime--

So the word corona virus is probably common now, in todays diary, i would like to share how that virus has affected my family. 

1 month ago on 19th August my family decided to do a swab test since my sisters husband got tested positive. Turns out we were all positive. We had to do isolate ourselves at home. A week after was supposed to be my brothers wedding and he had an outrage when he got tested saying that we don’t care about his plans and whatnot and proceeded to flee to his girlfriends house. At that point, our family was somewhat at our lowest. We were scared and depressed. No one taught us how to deal with being infected with a pandemic virus. We didn’t know what to do but we did our best. We tried to avoid skin contact and separating the dishes that we used. Every week or two, we would do another swab test. Unfortunately, the result was positive until the government decided that those who tests positive for covid without any symptomps needs to self-isolate for two weeks and if their vitals and oxygen saturation are normal, they will be given a notice that explains that you are healthy. 

Then i started to have this scars and itches on my body, and there were scabs in my buttcheek and behind my thighs. I was honestly so scared to tell at first. Because i was scared someone would judge me or get mad at me for not being healthy enough. I was frightened to face doctors while i was covid positive. I decided to consult with a doctor online and i was given a sterile substance (NaCl) to clean my wounds and use a gel to help it dry. However when the medication ran out, i decided to go to the doctor because i started to have this bumps on my hands and legs that grew on my hair follicle and i got more scared. Because i know how serious skin conditions are that there is a possibility that somethings seriously wrong with me but there is also a chance that it couldve been an allergy or something. who knows? 

When we got the healthy notice, my brother decided to continue with his wedding plans and rushed everything and announced it to our family group. I was shocked because we just got better, we don’t even know if we really are healthy and he wants us to gather with other people of young and old without thinking of the consequences if our virus decides to spread. I really don’t understand his way of mind. I don’t get how his wedding is more important than a pandemic that could possibly endanger a lot of people. The truth is i don’t want to go to his wedding because im scared for my health, for my mothers health. The fact that it could endanger us. But he guilt-tripped me asking if im coming and reasoning with the fact that not a lot of our family is going to attend the wedding even my sister. I honestly wanted to scream, “what do you think? that i would go attend a wedding while im scared of my fucking wellbeing?” But i don’t want to start a fight, our family is in enough ruins as it is. I want to tell him that as my moms worrying about financials, her health, my health, he is being an asshole and playing a game with his girlfriend. like what the fuck. My mom was sick yesterday, she could not get out of her bed and she called my brother a couple of times but he yelled at her “Later, i’ll do it later” because of the fact that he is playing a fucking game with his lover. But when it is to his importance like paying for the catering for his wedding which my mother is paying, he rushed to her room and rushed her to pay it or blah blah blah. I dont know, i didnt really listen. I hate it when people in this house shouts at each other, it makes me want to leave, i want to go away, just far away. im so tired of being here. i cant keep a brave face anymore. im so scared. i cant do this.

[amadisonfxo]

Sixteen

In so many movies, books and songs, so many people speak so highly of sixteen. I think they’re right, let me tell you, whoever you may be, a little bit about my experience with the infamous 16. You’re in the sweet spot of being a teenager, you are not supposed to be grown yet, you’re old enough to know better, you’re able to start to maybe get your shit together, to an extent. you know??

First of all, You can drive? (Maybe not well but, I can drive) Like alone and shit, oh? Last time I checked I was literally 12 but cool! Personally never thought I’d see this day, considering I got pulled over at age 14, all while smacking the curb, Dad had no license on him and neither did i, very on brand for us. I am quite literally my father in the form of a female. I Didn’t start learning how to drive until about 2 months before my road test. the day of my test on july 2nd 2019,  my mom convinced me that I ruined her life, and the day before I spoke to child services about my home life for the second time in my life, how traumatic! I Hit the curb on my parallel park and missed the turn for my hill park and never even ended up doing it? it was a 4pm road test so Brent or whatever his name was probably was tired and wanted to go home so he passed me even though I don’t think I met the good driver standards but, I for one, am not complaining! getting my vehicle was pivotal. I’m not even being dramatic, pivotal. The amount of falling in love and falling apart that has gone on in there over the last year?? A little embarrassing to say the least:) I wouldn’t love my life like I do without it, or have made it through some bad, hard times. Including! A global fucking pandemic?? School was cancelled, boyfriend Deadass broke up with me just about 2 days before, Double wtf??? Honestly what happened?? and that’s for real. that was my biggest thing when I turned the big one six was that I could finally finally, listen to whatever music I wanted, as loud as I wanted because lord knows, Shelley didn’t quite appreciate “teenage dream” at a blast, at 8am, as much as I did. i appreciate every small drive, the ones to school, to dance, to work, to the rink, to the gym, i always make the perfect small soundtrack for my drive. especially through the beginning of covid and a breakup, it was a life saver, i may have gone actually insane if i couldnt speed and and scream down every empty long road i could find after every long day of nothing.

 i pay for my own vehicle, every month a chunk comes out of my account, that is something i pride myself on, i cant wait until the day that im able to be completely self sufficient, even now, for the most part, I am. 

16 consisted of a lot of finding myself and realizing who I am in my relationships, with my family, with my friends and with my boyfriend. i am able to fully say that I am nowhere near, at all, the perfect best friend, or sister, daughter, step daughter, girlfriend, student, dancer, and all that. But everyday i dreamed up ways i was able to be that for the people around me, its been slow, but i’ve been making progress. as much as everyone drives me up a wall for throwing rocks at every move i make, they might be right, so i cant help but try to chnage and be better all the time.

 i realized my family is not the same as me, and as dumb as it sounds, i HATE being told i cant do something or that i HAVE to do something, i hate people who cant go with the flow, people who don’t trust me (cough cough mom) although, she has many valid reasons to not trust me, i still don’t like that she doesnt trust me,. my least favorite thing in the world is being told no. i really hope i navigate that flaw before i get a taste of the real world.

 i learned that i live to scream music, for a night out with my friends, for laying in the sun and that reading gets me through my hardest hours, writing is my therapy, dancing is my therapy. when i am happy all i wanna do is keep doing fun things. Reading, dance and my other forms of therapy never seem necessary until I am having a tough time. which is fair i suppose but i wish they were a daily habit.

 my whole year of 16 i spent falling in love, trying to get out of it and then navigating a new relationship, all with one person, which is all ive ever wanted. ive always wanted to find somebody that I love and that I can give everything I have to. everyone is different, some people like to give to themselves, others like to be in love and have help, love, be taken care of and build a new form of family, a best friend. i find i am that person. and i love it so much.

 i loved, i lost, i literally got to my lowest ever but then came up and learned every piece of my soul, that sounds painfully dramatic but its so true. i truly believe i am so incredibly strong, but so loving and soft.i finally fully believe i am enough, i am worth and deserving of everything i want and need, just like everybody else. i am my favorite person. nobody can replace me, I will always be here for myself, i always try to give myself the world. i learned that at 16. the beginning was hard, i thought being weak and being a pushover was just who i was and that crying every night was cool and that it was just how my life was gonna be, but you truly are everything you set your mind out to be. if you believe you are the absolute hottest bitch on this planet, Guest what??? you'll start to act accordingly. it feels good, to finally understand that you have to be so happy and confident on your own that being with somebody is just that much better, its tough, but so perfect. 

some cool things i did at 16, bought my vehicle, sorry to flex again. paid off a whole ass greece trip, that got cancelled eventually. missed out on my second and my second last dance competition season. started coaching figure skating. learned a hip hop dance (nice)  got my first solos, something ive been waiting for since the dance moms days. the first song i listened to in my car while driving alone was “american teen” by khalid. learned my brain. loved my life fully. learned how to get through hard days. slow danced with the loml in my living room. went camping with mans. created a little life of my own with cb. ill never get over how sweet and caring and smart. he is. i justv love my life, my friends and myself. so much. 

16 was something ive been waiting for. I have huge dreams.