#or should i even call myself that anymore

[rafecameroninterlude]

can you do like a spin off to the fic you did where rafe went to the strip club, and instead of them making up y/n stands on business and leaves 😭? thank you if you do i love your writing smmm

based off of this request

warnings: angst, cheating

a/n: i heard y’all loud and clear, i hope you guys like this version just as much, if not more <3

“fuck, they don’t make them like this on figure eight.” you watched with watery eyes as rafe’s hands roamed the body of a stranger, his friends hollering in the background. seeing rafe receive a lap dance should’ve been enough for you to click out of instagram and call it quits, but you couldn’t help yourself in watching the rest of kelce’s stories. after skimming through the rest of the photos and videos, you didn’t have any tears left in you to cry.

getting up on shaky legs, you took everything you could fit in a suitcase, ignoring the calls from rafe as you went around your shared bedroom, grabbing your things. just as you were taking your last bag downstairs, the front door opened, revealing the last person you wanted to face right now. “what’s all of this?” your head shot up at the voice, your lips swollen from biting on them so hard. “what’s wrong?” he moved close, making you back away.

“please don’t touch me.” your voice came out weak. rafe scoffed, blinking rapidly as you took a seat on the couch, holding your head in your hands. “what’s wrong with you? why do you have all your shit down here?” he kneeled in front of you, the smell of cheap perfume filling your senses. “you should probably remind your friends to hide me from their story ‘next time you want to let someone put their boobs in your face.” you sniffled, avoiding his gaze.

rafe sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose before he reached for your arm. “baby, please, i can explain everything.” you smiled, shaking your head. “you don’t have to. i really don’t care anymore, i’m leaving.” he narrowed his eyes at you, stumbling over his next words. “w-what the fuck are you talking about?” he grabbed two of your bags, about to take them upstairs before you stopped him. “this isn’t the first time you’ve been unfaithful, rafe, and if i don’t leave right now, it won’t be the last.” your voice cracked.

he shook his head, jogging upstairs, only to see you had cleared everything that belonged to you. rafe’s heart dropped, it looked like you had never been here to begin with. panic settled in his gut. “you can’t leave, i won’t let you.” he came back down, his eyes filled with guilt. “i already have a car on the way.” rafe shouted, punching the air. “y/n, i’m begging you baby, please let’s just go to bed-” you watched him cry, and for the first time you felt nothing. “we’ll forget all about this in the morning, alright? i’ll take you somewhere nice for breakfast, we could spend the day on the druthers the way that you like.” by the way he was talking, it sounded like he was reassuring himself more than you.

“and sweep it under the rug just like the last few times? no.” you laughed bitterly. “you cheat and time and time again i don’t do anything about it. i’m so tired, rafe. ‘tired of hearing the women at the country club call me ‘dumb and clueless’, i’m tired of everyone giving me pitiful looks everytime we walk inside a room.. i’m tired of not being valued.” you looked down at your hand, removing the promise ring that clearly didn’t mean anything.

“hey, hey, come on,” he pulled you up, “i value you, you know i do. i get you everything you want, goddamit, i take care of you!” you flinched at the volume of his voice. “i could get myself whatever i want rafe. all i’ve ever wanted was for you to be faithful, and you can’t even do that.” he watched as you glanced outside. “my ride is here.” he blinked, everything hitting him all at once. “y/n, stop.” he held you in place, not allowing you to move until you shoved him.

“there’s someone out there who is going to love me, and care about my feelings in all situations, someone who isn’t selfish.” you started rolling your suitcase out of the house, rafe following closely behind. “please don’t leave!” he ran his fingers through his hair. he begged and begged until you had the very last bag. “i hope one day you meet someone like yourself, fall in love with them, and see that no matter what you do, it will never be enough.” he watched you get into the black suv, feeling nothing but despair as the car drove away.

#‧₊˚✩彡 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐊𝐒 #outer banks #rafe outer banks #outer banks fanfiction #outer banks smut #rafe cameron #rafe cameron smut #rafe cameron fanfiction #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron blurb #outer banks netflix #rafe cameron headcanons #rafe cameron x y/n #rafe cameron fic #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron imagine #rafe edit #rafe fluff #rafe x you #rafe fanfiction #rafe smut #rafe x reader #rafe imagine #rafe fic #rafe obx #outerbanks rafe #drew starkey #aesthetic

[forestlv4r]

Fuck Your Boyfriend Matt sturniolo x Fem!reader Cheater chris x Fem!reader

Warnings: cheating, Dom!Matt, choking, crying, pet names, smut blah blah blah

sam yaps: FUCK YO BOYFRIEND HE A BITCH AND I THINK ITS TIME YOU SWITCH CALL ME WHEN UR FEELIN LONELY NA NA NA NA NA NA NA

I'm laying on the couch on my back scrolling through the brain rotting tiktoks about new stanley cups and tiktok rizz party. "what the fuck is my for you page anymore bro" i say to myself, sighing jumping up from my seat heading to the kitchen to make a snack for a movie night all alone.

My boyfriend chris has been cold and distant to me since him and his brothers recent tour. All he's been doing is going out, coming home, picking a fight with me and then leaving to stay at a friends house for a while.

Todays fight of the day with him was "why the fuck would you post yourself in a mini skirt", he's never really had a problem with me posting in revealing stuff before the tour, his only issue back then was; "i want you to be all for me baby", now its become; "you're acting like an attention seeking whore".

As i wait for my popcorn to finish in the microwave, i'm choosing a song on my phone to listen to in the meantime. i place my phone on the counter opening the microwave to take out the bag of popcorn and put it in a bowl.

Pouring the popcorn into a bowl i pause getting a notification on my phone, multiple notifications.

"hm, unknown number?" i say to myself opening the chat to see what i was sent.

"WHAT THE FUCK" you scream to yourself, dropping the bowl of popcorn you had in your hand, making a loud bang.

-

"what happened what was the noi- oh my god" matt says as he walks into the kitchen, waking up from the loud noise from beside his bedroom. You were currently laying on the kitchen floor, back against the fridge, legs up to your chest and your faces in between them sobbing your eyes out.

"oh my god what happened y/n/n" matt says a worried look hurrying over to his face as he sits next to you pulling you in for a hug.

you say absolutley nothing, handing your phone to him where the text messages are still visible.

"oh that mother fucker" he says angrily.

"do you know where he is right now?" matt asks you lifting up your swollen face from your chin with his fingers to face him.

"yeah...hes at a house party some friend is hosting" you manage to say from in between sobs.

As matt attempts to get up, you knowing that he will go fuck chris up you stop him.

"matt no!, please I need you right now" you speak, looking up at him with glossy eyes that he immediately melts into.

"...okay" he spoke before picking you up bridal style and placing you on the couch, "wait here"

he goes on to get you a blanket, walking over to you and sitting next to you to place the blanket on the both of you.

you lean your head on his shoulder as he pulls you in for a hug, "what do you wanna watch?" he asks.

"anything.." you reply quietly.

"hey, you can talk to me"

"I don't know its just, I feel disgusting, why would he cheat on me? is something wrong with me? does he really think I'm a whore or seek attention?"

"Chris is a dumbass and doesn't deserve you, you're the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on and he's a big dumbass for not seeing that beauty within you, your eyes, your hair, your everything. you should just text him that you're breaking up." he speaks looking into you eyes with nothing but love.

your faces get closer, your noses brushing up against each other, until he grabs your cheek and smashes your lips together. you tongues fight for dominance, the kiss getting heated quickly, teeth clashing and spit mixing, you pull away slowly from the kiss nothing but a string of saliva connecting you both.

his hand is on your cheek just as he stares into your beautiful brown eyes, "I love you y/n." he utters. "I love you too Matty" you mumble before he puts his lips on your again kissing you even harder.

you fall back onto the couch, making matt now above you, he quickly pulls away to remove his shirt as you do the same, going back to making out while he tries to remove his sweats and boxers at the same time.

he pulls away and his hand reaches down to the band of your panties, "can I take these off?" he asks.

"yes please I need you" you whine, squirming under his touch.

"my needy girl" he chuckles as he grabs the bands of your panties and sweeps them off quickly.

he pumps himself a little lubing his length with his precum, alinging his member to your entrance

"just tell me if you need me to stop okay?" he speaks gently holding your cheek.

"okay.." you whimper when he pushes himself in agonizingly slow, stopping for you to get used to his length.

"matt please move I don't need to wait" you whine pathetically.

"okay princess" he says, speeding up his movements hitting the right spot each time.

"God matt...yes yes yes" you moan out before matt grabs your throat, "keep quiet princess we don't want Nick hearing us yeah?" he mutters as he looks down to see the bulge in your stomach, pressing down on it with the hand that choked you, adding pressure to you.

"mm matty I'm so clo..se" you utter unable to speak from the ephoric feeling, he reaches down to your clit rubbing tight circles causing you to leach your hands onto his back, your nails leaving makes that are sure to reveal in the morning.

as soon as you start seeing nothing but Matt's eyes and stars you cum all over him coating his length, "where do you want it princess" matt asks speeding his movements, slightly overstimulating you.

"i-in me" you moan from still being sensitive, a few pumps in and matt finishes in you, coating your walls white.

he pulls out earning a whine from you as he lays down next to you. "are you okay my princess?" he asks, reaching to your face to move the hair away. "more than okay" you smile back before you guys to wash off and get dressed, going back on the couch to watch a movie only to fall a sleep cuddling each other under the blankets.

-

5:36am

the door slams and you hear loud foot steps waking you and matt up.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?" chris screams, reffering to you and matt cuddling on the couch.

tears start forming in your eyes causing Chris to get angrier and matt to pull you into a hug making you sob on his shoulder.

"don't fucking scream at her acting like you didn't kiss two different girls yesterday at the bitch party of yours." chris' eyes soften into horror from Matt's words, "you don't fucking deserve her, you're a cheater and an asshole might as well just fucking leave the house." matt continues yelling causing Nick to come out to the comotion and chris to stay quiet lowering his head.

"what the fuck happened here?' Nick questions.

"why don't you ask this fucking asshole" matt scoffs, picking you up and taking you to his room.

"chris what happened why is y/n crying? and why are you starting to cry? and why did matt take her?" Nick questions confused as to why his brothers girlfriend is with the other brother.

"I..I cheated" Chris manages to say in between sobs.

"what the fuck...you're sick Chris." Nick mutters disappointedly before walking off to Matt's room to find you.

-

matt takes you his room leaving Nick and Chris alone, as he slams his door shut.

he places your sobbing body on his bed, grabbing a few tissues from his nightstand and sitting next to you to wipe your tears, "its okay princess, I promise you wont have to see him again. I can get us an apartment or another house and we can go live there. you wont have to experience this ever again." he says gently wiping your sweet face.

"thank you matt, I love you so much"

"I love you more than you can imagine baby" he says taking you in for a hug, until you guys hear a knock on the door seeing Nick walk in.

"I'm so sorry y/n" he says going in to hug you.

"yeah..its alright" you say melting into nicks hug.

Sam yaps: I couldn't figure out an ending lol ALSO IM ALIVE I HAVENT POSTED IN SO LONG YAYAYA

tag list 🏷️: @urmommysbathroom @tillies33ssss @jamiesturniolo @iliketotalk @imwetforyourmom @69isabella69 @dylnblue @venusxsturnio @h3arts4harry @marryx2xx

#matt sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #matt sturniolo x reader #fanfic #matt sturniolo smut #matt sturniolo fanfic #nick sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #chris sturniolo #fluff

[sbg-loving-pierog]

Let's talk about The Hernandez Family!

and why the whole situation with Tyler is actually a good thing to happen.

(‼️Spoilers for episodes 43-51‼️)

You've been warned...

Starting off with ep. 43 when we see Mariana Hernandez - Taylor and Tyler's mother - for the first time.

You can see the tension rising when she mentions the twin's father, which at the time is suspicious but since it goes unexplained it doesn't bring much of our attention until

Back then we couldn't confirm what that means, not until ep. 48 and Tyler's flashbacks. Now we know that the twins' father is dead, so that tells us that their mother doesn't seem to remember about that. To say more, she's CONVINCED that he's still alive because even when the situation points to him not being with them anymore, she still only finds it a bit weird but doesn't seem to remember the truth.

Either she doesn't want to remember it, or it's a part of some kind of medical, mental condition, but something that helps keep up this Delusion is that, as we know, after the death of Ethan Hernandez, Tyler took over his responsibilities.

Mariana never had to take over anything her husband did for the family, she didn't feel the weight that fell on them after his passing. All "thanks" to Tyler.

And for some reason her kids try to keep up this facade with distracting her from thinking about their father before she remembers anything

And they succeed, bringing them to the point when they are the ones that take care of her, instead of it being the other way around, as it should. She probably still does her share of responsibilities a parent should have (a part she was doing before too, when Ethan was alive) but the other half AND the mental burden is all on Tyler and Taylor.

But something changes in ep. 51

When Tyler is "injured", her first instinct is to call her husband - and his father - which is understandable, you wouldn't really think logically in a situation like that, but for Mariana, this is when the truth and logic finally hits her

She reminds herself that she can't call Ethan for help and you can clearly see that she's about to panic

But then Taylor comes in, and changes her mother's thinking of "I'm on my own, what do I even do?" To "I have others to care for, I'll think about myself later".

You can almost hear her thoughts saying "You're their mother. Act like it".

This is the moment she realizes that:

1. She can't depend on Ethan anymore

2. Tyler won't always be there to help her

3. She has to be strong for her kids because she should be. Because it's her responsibility that she's been neglecting... or just wasn't able to bring to life for WAY too long

After Tyler wakes up and the group leaves the hospital, it's said that his mom stayed there with him. I think both the time when Taylor needed her support and the time they spent together with Tyler when she was the one caring for him for a change will normalize their family situation. It will help Mariana realize that Tyler was and is still just a kid, and was never ready to take over his father's "position" in caring for her and Taylor, even if he did it because he had to.

That's what I think anyways, I'm open to discussion though ^^ and well, now as they're separated, their relationship will either freeze for a moment, or change again and hopefully it'll become even stronger after another reunion :)

#sbg #sbg (webtoon) #sbg taylor #sbg tyler #sbg mariana #school bus graveyard #taylor hernandez #tyler hernandez #ethan hernandez #mariana hernandez

[allamericanb-tch]

crimson rivers thoughts (12)

@tastetherainbow290

chapter 26

rip james potter’s leg he’s gone full peeta

sirius is visiting reg

reg ☹️

talking about throwing up is arguably the worst part of this fic so far

“It's fine. I didn't even like this shirt. (Sirius really liked this shirt.)”

i am legitimately shaking but i don’t know if this is important so i need to read it

please stop talking about throwing up

poor regulus i feel so bad

and hes throwing up again

i cant even think about this what if i just skim the rest

ok pov switch thank god

oh no i forgot remus has to go back… 

sirius is so considerate

nooo remu

sirius pov again im praying there isn’t any more throwing up

and there it is.

poor regulus ahhhhh i just feel so bad for him like. i want to give him a hug.

why doesn’t regulus want to see james ☹️

sirius is visiting james now

that was sweet. sad, but sweet.

remus pov again

remu ❤️‍🩹

can someone tell me why the rat is my 5th most used emoji

"You're so precious to me, did you know that?"

remus loves sirius (duh)

chapter 27

i’m sad for wolfstar what’s gonna happen

"You can trust that the only person I have an interest in seeing naked is your brother." 😭

this hallow drama is actually hilarious

reggie 💔

i’m scared that pandora is going to die in the future bc we have t seen any of her pov

this is so sad.

no thoughts just sadness.

“i’m collecting them all” i’m glad to see you making jokes reg

"Oh, this is just the bruise finally blooming from where I tripped and fell the moment I saw you,"

this was a lighter chapter but still sad

chapter 28

back to james pov

oh no a nightmare

CRAP I FORGOT ABT MY MATH HOMEWORK it was due yesterday but she hasn’t graded it yet so if i turn it in now she won’t take of points for it being late

math homework is finished! back to reading (suffering)

oh yeah. nightmare. ☹️

"I wasn't supposed to go through this," no james, you were not. i’m sad now (i have been sad)

james leave regulus aloneeee (don’t leave him alone)

shrodinger’s cat mention

“james”

i’m actually crying right now.

nooo why are the fighting

james is getting his glasses back soon!!! huzzah

"I don't want to be a great, big tragedy anymore,"

baby

“it’s a parting gift” i’m crying again

regulus and remus friendship <3

“we broke up” “you were together?” 😭

ugh this is so sad. already i’ve cried more times than reading atyd AND choices and ive barely made a dent in cr

oh no interview prep

evan mention 💔

every time i see the word hallow in this fic im like “i need to add this (hallow/hollow) to my list of homophones” and i never do bc im writing all my thoughts in my notes app and my homophones list is in a different folder than my marauders thoughts 

chapter 29

oh me oh my hanky panky happening in this chapter i wonder for who

every time i call sex hanky panky i give myself the ick

"We broke up? This is news to me” james 😭

“No one needs romantic love to be fulfilled as a person. Not everyone wants it, and then there are those who aren't ready, and all of it is okay. That doesn't mean there's an absence of love, or that you're getting it wrong. You're not, Regulus, I promise." 

they’re holding hands (but for sad reasons)

interview time i’m scared

evan ☹️☹️☹️

vanity ☹️☹️☹️

“We love your love, don't we?" 💔

this is so sad omg i genuinely don’t know how im going to survive this

GLASSES!!!!!!

so he’s just been wearing contacts this whole time?

ok i need to go do my duolingo. 

i am back from duolingo.

james telling sirius to go have sex with remus on their last night 😭 i mean fair. they should

"I'm absolutely thinking about your brother right now." oh, james

james telling sirius about him and reg 😭 poor sirius

sirius asking james for tips 💀

“i expect all the details” james fleamont potter 😭

sirius is such a good brother. i love him. 

remus pov !!

“i would not have known joy if i did not have the pleasure of knowing you”

ugh wolfstar. i love you. 

😯 hanky panky

spine has been realigned

ok but any time any of them ever talk about getting off it just makes me think about one time when i was at a district choir concert and when we were practicing one of our songs the director said “there won’t be a dry seat in the audience” (he meant dry eye, bc the song was beautiful, but it just came out like everyone in the audience would dream their pants 😭) but. unnecessary story and it isn’t really that funny unless you were there but. 

chapter 30 (?!)

evan 💔

god.

remus ‘reading’ sirius’ mind 😭

they have to say goodbye ☹️

barty mention!!!!

*singing* i just miss you and i just wish you were a better man

“i love you” eeeeeeeee

omg kissing

and it’s over.

“i don’t want to hurt you anymore” 💔

eeeee they’re kissing again

“it’ll take a while but later—much later—james will look back on this and wonder, sadly, if it was a parting gift, too.” WHAT

sirius kissing the mask so remus will always have a sirius kiss

i love pandora

wolfstar goodbye 💔

the fact that all of this happened in the span of two weeks

effie and monty!!!!!!!!!!

the next chapter is lily… should i read it or go to sleep 

#crimson rivers

[apoloniaspiegelgold]

All my life I've been told by all kinds of people that they can never really tell what I'm feeling or what's going through my mind because apparently I'm always just hiding everything behind a smile so that I've become rather unreadable. And then he just. Takes one look at me and goes 'Yeah. I know that face, oh here we go again, she's about to unleash her thoughts. She's gonna bash that theory I just showed her so hard. Where's my popcorn?' I hadn't even said anything yet and he was already laughing.

And to be honest. It's quite nice to be known, actually.

#i only went to his office to ask if he wants to join me for lunch he didn't have time and yet i still somehow ended up staying for 1.5 hours #'thanks for the conversation' he said when i left. 'and thanks for keeping me from my work' #as if HE hadn't kept me from lunch when he kept our conversation going on and on with his 'wait i still wanted to show you this' #talking to him always feels like wellness for my brain somehow. like. we're different people but we think the same way. #i don't have to translate my thoughts to be understood he already gets my point before i've even finished my train of thought #every time work tires me out so much that it feels like i can't think straight anymore then i talk to him and suddenly my brain works again #and i like how he calls me out on my nonsense when i lose myself in a contradiction or don't say what i want to say or say what i don't mea #and he lets me go on extensive rants about statistics despite not knowing anything about it and doesn't even complain #he just always says 'i'll pretend i know what that means' and says i should learn it well so he can ask me for my help with it later #recently he came to me right after teaching saying 'you won't believe how much i just messed up. let me show you how i failed' #and then proceeded to recreate the entire situation and his thought process at that moment and i just #there is a very big word running around in my mind that i dare not speak of but maybe one day #i don't even know if he even sees me as much as a friend maybe i'm just some co-worker he likes talking to occasionally you know #what does it mean what does it all mean #ramblings

[fanvoidkeith]

me, helping out my mom at a bazaar, like i've done for years, attempting stuff while she walks around to take a break and maybe get some xmas gifts: *vibing enough that some people want to buy some things*

my mom, about half an hour later: *comes back to be the more charming of the two of us, because she has more experience being a salesperson and is not autistic*

the nice lady at the table next to us, talking to my mom: your boy did a good job while you were gone!

my brain, upon hearing that sentence come out of another person's mouth while i'm feeling somewhat dysphoric in my body today:

B O Y ! ! !

(good job!)

#void keith talks #this isn't me discovering a new thing about myself but it is Different this time i think. it echoed in my brain #most people don't assume i'm masc because i have a high voice. especially because the fuckin “customer service voice" thing (higher pitch) #but more people than one have called me by masculine uhhh... adjectives? (it's probably adjectives.) it's nice. mostly strangers though. :/ #and i already know i have a Thing about praise because it's my love language or whatever #and i've also been obsessing over whether or not i should ask my doctor about going on testosterone because i've been avoiding my doctor #because i'm an anxious mess and my life is about to be turned upside down again soon #but i. i wwant to #go on T. more than i thought i would? #i'm so anxious about change and i know the changes technically happen slowly #but even so i keep hesitating because of personal circumstances #uhhhh... yeah. that's. that's a thing i guess #one of my fellow nonbinary transmasc friends is going on T. and i'm happy for them obviously #but i also feel a little envious of him for being able to figure it all out that easily. even though it probably Wasn't Actually That Easy #and it just looks like that from my outsider perspective #and i'm just tired and confused because i only discovered/uncovered the more masc part of my identity relatively recently and i've- #struggled with it for long enough that i don't have to fight with myself about it anymore. still kinda scared though #nonbinary #enby #trans #transgender #voidgender #gender dysphoria #gender stuff #gender thoughts #gender euphoria #trans stuff #nonbinary stuff #rambling in the tags #rambling into the void

[st4rstudent]

I think every social media website should have an effective tagging system, just my thoughts

#clemramble #i want to post some more of my art on twt but i also want to tag it effectively but idk how the tagging system works on there #since hashtags seem to do very little on there #if theres one thing tumblr has done right its the tagging system . this is awesome i love putting things in tags like its me whispering #directly into your ear extra info that you really didnt need to know #and also the ability to mute hashtags is awesome. even if it doesnt completely hide it #twt is so weird in its hidden words. i have so much stuff blocked on there but the moment it gets popular the system just #doesnt work and im stuck seeing it all again. very annoying. #anyways yeah this is also a call if any one knows how the muting system on twt works and how i should best tag my stuff.please share #your wisdom. if you dont mind. i asked on twt but my regular posts kind of flop if its not art. not that i mind but the point remains #..i had thought about making another account just dedicated to like ship stuff on twt bc i have enough stuff to do that but #would it be unnecessary? idk . ignore this part sorry im rambling outloud to myself virtually through tags #i might just end up not posting it there. its like a little tumblr exclusive #im not even scared anymore ive bossed up. twt just makes me feel awkward now. its like when you enter a giant classroom and theres no empty #seats so youre forced to go up and down the isles trying to find a spot that open

[advisorsage]

I think I've fucked up

#i ranted to my girlfriend and i know she probably is just busy but my brain is screaming that i made her upset even though.. #my rant was about my own situation and how i feel about it and then i apologized for complaining at her and said that i wasn't supposed to #and I'm worried she thinks she's not supposed to complain to me when i just meant that i don't like telling people about my shit #and i know she said i could tell her and that she wants to support me but she and my boyfriend are my first relationships #and i don't want to fuck up and i think i have and i haven't told my boyfriend about my diagnosis yet #and I'm scared I'll complain at him too when i tell him and i don't care that he's told me i can and should complain to him #i don't want to saddle them with my complaints #and i called out of work because of how I'm feeling from my diagnosis and that's what i ranted to my girlfriend about #and i'm terrified she doesn't want to date me anymore because my reaction to being diagnosed with one more thing is so fucking pathetic #and i just need to cry and scream and throw up and i can't do any of those things and i feel like everyone except her is telling me #it's no big deal when it is a big deal and i don't think i got it through to my therapist and I'm just freaked out and i don't want to cling #and and and I'm just. i hate existing right now #i feel like i shouldn't do what i want to at home because i called out from work and i know that's stupid but i don't feel like i deserve #nice things right now despite needing them and I'm just so tired but not sleepy and i feel like I'm going to have a panic attack and #i can't even do anything about it! #fuck #i fucked myself over basically #anyway #drink water you heathens

[palettesofrenaissance]

That post that goes "self aware enough to feel yourself starting to downward spiral and self destruct, but too mentally ill and fucked up to stop it

If I'm not making sense for X amount of hours or even days from this point on, this is why

In a way Tumblr is a digital diary for everyone -- literally everyone who uses this site has posted their thoughts at least once. So if you get sick of me, please be comforted to know that youre not actually me and therefore I confidently feel a thousand times worse than you do

#vent post #I should have known that something was creeping up on me subconsciously when I went to one sister's 13th bday dinner and mom asked if I was #making myself throw up again because of my weight worries... in front my 16yo sister 💀💀 #I don't post my thoughts on this site a lot and of those I do click ''post'' on are about 5% of all my thoughts ever #there's so much shit I'm stressed over and I've used this site as a distraction... #there's being a Black female facing constant stereotypes in this struggling job economy just trying to get a better job #there's being the eldest daughter and growing up poor and still having parents and relatives who struggle financially #it's my car. it's inflation. it's being surrounded by unhappy people even strangers. it's my roommate drama. it's calling the police. it's #it's needing healthcare because my doctor told me I'm pre- conditions and diseases and shouldn't self medicate anymore but that's expensive #it's seeing homeless people on the street and stressing to not being one of them while remembering when y'all were homeless as a kid #and it's watching the news. needing to support my siblings in college. wanting a load. wanting to move and get a better job but that's mone #it's desperately wanting more storms to happen locally so I can do that temp job that paid a livable wage but was killing me #it's more things going on too and on top of that I lie to my therapist and I don't think my dosage of prozac is working anymore #or maybe and I hope this is just temporary

[thisloev]

my sister called me and kept asking excitedly that what's happening in my life and

#like life as in. i can't say love life but like you know what's happening with the guys and the girls #girl #and i was so tired #am so tired #i just made up an excuse that im too physically tired too talk to cut the call and told her id call her back but i won't #i want to okay i really do I want to hear about her life what's going on but she's not that type of person jinke saamne #i can just divert the topic from myself avoid talking about me she's determined and caring like that😭 #just. kya batau main #i spent the whole day working but really if i stopped doing anything for like 2 minutes all the last convos i had with everyone i #liked loved whatever started replaying in my head constantly making me feel all down and sad in public yk that empty heaviness inside chest #i mean. what is there to say. i feel truly pathetic #everyone just keeps leaving me. they decide one day that oh nope she's not for me not interesting anymore doesn't understand is too much #draining and destroys my peace and then they leave #it doesn't even matter the weight of the relationship #whether it's been a year of being in love or two weeks of talking till 5 am or a week of wishing me good morning and good night #every day. it doesn't matter they leave and they leave and they leave and they don't look back and im left to pick up the pieces go on #pretend to be okay and normal and fucking focused on like. studying accounts as if my heart isn't breaking #into a million tiny pieces everytime #i don't know how to tell her. the sister you love so much the sister you can't live without imagine life without. the #sister who you thought about holding on for because you couldn't do that to her leave her alone when you had suicidal thoughts. she's #she's actually deeply unlovable undateable unfuckable and like truly lonely and easy to let go of #i know she loves me and i know my bestfriend loves me and she would fall apart if i wasn't there for her #but it's not enough. i really wish it was. but it's okay it's enough for now it's enough to keep me going it's enough to make me not wanna #die yk? like i don't love myself enough to live for myself get better for myself but they need me so i need to be okay be happy because i #need them to be happy. and they're happy when im happy #does that make sense #okay bye i should really start writing a diary

[widevibratobitch]

.

#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa #something is Wrong lol #i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡 #and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches #all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now #but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit #and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on #to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back #like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend #i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect #i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back #but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms #or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations #or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings #or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af #because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff #im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility #i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn #but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself #and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc #i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself #and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it #i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do #i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it #and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person #<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation #of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡 #like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT

[aftermathing]

How to find will to live and purpose in life when chronic pain is destroying your body and mind.

#Slash gen #I can't do ANYTHING #No doctors believe me #I'm in my early twenties I should not should not have to lay down in bed for an hour after bending over to pick up a sock #My life is being brutally stolen from me #My parents call me lazy and unmotivated and don't believe I physically CAN'T do some things #I shouldn't have to beg not to be in constant unending pain #Nobody understands. My pain is literally. Not joking. Constant. Every second of every day I am hurting. #I'm not exaggerating or making a funny literally every single cell in my body is dedicated to pain #And it's getting worse it's getting so much worse and I have no one to help me #I'm going to die writhing in agony until my body gives up or I'm going to make it quick and shoot myself #I can't live like this #Nobody even pities me anymore they just make it seem like I'm disappointing them by ruining conversations with my pain #I can't do it #Please genuinely anyone with ANY tips please #Please even the dumbest and most obvious shit like drink water idk

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#tfw ur life has been so busy that u forgot that with a new school u have a new email to keep track of #and u forgot to hook it up to ur outlook so now u open it up and see emails from abt a month ago #telling u to do TA orientation stuff. uuuuuh oops #so i guess i have some bullshit to figure out tomorrow. also i should finalize my class sign up staff #stuff* bc when i was doing yhat my brain was on fire. also i should email my new boss. oh god. why didnt i check that email???? #i dont even kno if im supposed to b a TA this semester??? i should just email the guy but also i dont wanna roll up like yo #im already damaged goods bc ive suffered a whole year in a state of burnout. also i fucked up my sign up process by not paying attention #but uh hi hello nice to meed u again for the 2nd time in my life. this is definitely not a bad omen for things to come #ugh. why have i done this to myself? i cant even call to try to fix anything until Monday. fuck. #but i mean. i cant b thr only one who's ever done this. so maybe itll b fine? hopefully? #but i wouldn't have this problem if id just fucking looked at my fucking email in the 1st place #i can already feel it. this is where the overlap starts. the overlap between my old lab and my new lab #will it tear me into pieces? perhaps. i have to shift into go mode. i cant b a sad sack anymore #ugh. im usually really good at being on top of stuff like this bc im such an anxious freak but here we r... #unrelated

[stereax]

woohoo spiraling out of control right now (what else is new really I've been fucked up and spiraling for weeks now) and trying to figure out reasons not to delete my tumblr and discord and myself along the way

but you know. talking about myself on my blog automatically means I'm attention seeking and fishing for pity right? should just shut up and stick to the news eh, it's all I'm good for :D

anyway if you need me I'll be in the corner reliving the past, coming to terms with reality, and trying to convince myself I'm not the problem despite every indication to the contrary ✌︎︎

#sterechats :) #09:58 pm - this is a bad idea but scheduling it anyway #what's the worst that can happen really? everyone leaves again? nobody talks to me again? #probably gonna delete this in the morning so. meh. not like it matters not like I matter :D #10:29 pm - wow it feels like my head is on fire #like my brain is actually burning and I can't do a damn thing about it #I should be happy right now! the devils are winning! my favorite guys are scoring! #but no! I'm barely keeping it together around my family and praying I don't wake up tomorrow <3 #11:00 pm - I need to get out of here #I need to get out of here out of here out of here I can't stay here any more this is killing me #everyone hates me and I need to chew my arms open maybe then everything will make sense #why am I even writing these tags what does it matter #I was so much more in control of myself when I was sh-ing #maybe I should get back to that maybe it'll help I don't know anymore #I just want my friends back but they hate me hahahaha #11:24 pm - wonder how many people are gonna block me after this one #how many people will finally be fed up and leave for good #everyone leaves and I should be used to this by now #here's a truck stop instead of saint peter's (yeah yeah yeah yeah) #11:41 pm - it's friday afternoon/there goes antigone to be buried alive #in the next world I want to be something useful/like a staple gun/or in love #I would fall off a cliff for you/a thousand times and call it a good day #maybe I'm just incapable of being human! maybe that's it! #maybe I'm not even human at all... but something worse instead... #1:22 am - moving the posting of this back from 3 to 6 am #not that that matters and not that I matter but I don't think I'll sleep #and I don't want this to post when I'm awake #I know I'm just going to get unfollowed and blocked and left behind as always #because happiness and good things and friendships just aren't things I get to have really #I just wish people would stop lying and telling me they're different and they'll stay when they're not different and won't stay

[illogicalghost]

.

#big gender rant ahead i just need to write down my thoughts #personal #so i think im a he/him trans lesbian?? #i think ive been denying my feminine side for a long time now but middle school me was right. well. half right #idk why id built up some weird barrier in my mind about being trans and being a lesbian #but now im like more sure than ever #i still dont know if i could call myself a woman. and i thought i was so adamant about not using she/her again but it honestly? #doesn't bother me that much anymore. its not my preference but its not as soul crushing as it used to be #i have these weird subliminal gender rules for myself that ive been beating myself down with even though i #understand that theyre fake and dont hold anyone else to them. so why have a double standard? cant i have a fun gender? #ever since high school its been an uphill battle just letting myself live freely and having self confidence #i just turned 24. i dont have to be beholden to stupid hormonal teenage self loathing anymore #the world is a beautiful place and gender is just made up anyway. so why cant i be trans and butch? who cares?? #i think i worded it well in my last personal post. ive been living a gender of convenience #but fuck that! i want the gender that makes sense to me! that makes me happy! its my life and i should live it how i want to! #...i still have some regrets about my top surgery. i wish i wasnt so weirdly flat chested now. #but hopefully the fat will redistribute eventually and itll look more natural as the years go on.. #but i definitely dont regret going on T. i love my deep voice and my body hair #anyway if you've read this far thanks for listening to my mad ramblings #and dont forget you can have a fun gender too!

[woomycritiques543]

TW: Mentions of “proshippers.”

Welp.

Turns out that one of my followers that I supported was a “proshipper.”

… and then they publicly vague harassed me by calling me a “moron!” and then put it in widely used tags for thousands to see.

Its honestly interesting, because pro”shippers” say that they’re “anti harassment” but then will purposefully spread misinformation and insult people, and sometimes, even with their usernames out in the open- which is literal HARASSMENT. Hell, all of this “your representation is my jerk off material!” is harassment if you really think about it since it’s also doing just that- harassing people for caring about their representation by posting misinformation and hate porn and then publically mocking them for defending themselves against it.

I wrote this in response, but I doubt that she’ll even see it. Not that it matters, im blocking her anyway. This is sickening…

Edit:

Added this in case they try to slander or harass me further. -and then people wonder why proshippers are “dni” on 99% of the web.

“Anti harassment” nah nigga that’s virtue signaling as an attempt to get people not to tell you to stop being creepy, while also using language like this to slander people who tell you to stop, which is also harassment. It's like saying that calling out a murderer is "harassment" just because they're saying that someone is a "bad person" online, while also slandering any group who had called out said murderer. That's literally what pro"ship" is, except it's with creeps in writing communities who publically fantasize about the most horrific things possible (of which I wont describe here for you guy's sanity.) in what they write on AO3, Tumblr, and of course... Twitter.

The bottom of the barrel in any social media community.

But with that said…

PRO”SHIPPERS” DNI.

#helluva boss #helluva boss critical #tw proshippers #claims to be anti harassment- literally harasses people for defending their representation #I swear that proshippers. if I should even call you that anymore since its just a coverup… #are the most bottom of the barrel of this website #and now im having to post in the main tag to defend myself #wow… you people are actually sick in the head. #-and then you wonder why proshippers are dnied on most blogs. THIS IS WHY! YOU PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE!