#or the fact that he somehow finds Billy adorable when he’s asleep even though his duvet practically turns into a nest | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

okaybutlikeimagine · 3 years

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El has a nightmare and Hop has a night shift, so she can't talk to him about it and goes to Billy instead. Imagine Jim coming home in the morning and finding El sleeping in her brother's bed taking almost all the space and the covers, while Billy is about to fall off with one leg and one arm touching the floor. And Hop can feel his heart melt because this is the cutest thing he's ever seen.

HI I’M the one melting bc this is so adorable!! ♥ i’ve been bundled into a ball of fluff over the idea of this.

One of my absolute FAVORITE things that really cemented me into the “I live and breathe for Billy’s found family and you can pry it from my cold dead hands” club was fics where Billy looks out for El. like, something about this big rough and tough and emotionally vulnerable boy noticing and helping out this small but also feisty and emotionally vulnerable girl just drives me CRAZy ♥

their dynamic is TOO GOOD. they’re so similar and both deal with the same kinds of traumas and call me crazy, but I don’t think Billy likes the idea of other people going through what he went through. I think he likes to THINK he does, I think he likes to both silently and very loudly wish ill of people- usually bullies or assholes who think they’re clever. Think they’re better than him bc they have whatever constitutes as a “happy home life”. He hates those people. Those are the people he (almost) wishes could feel the pain he’s felt his whole life… the pain of trying to be as small as possible, to take up as little space as possible, and still get slapped for it.

The thing is… he never actually means it. He likes to think that if he was given the choice, he could throw his life and all of the pain that’s come with it onto some poor, unsuspecting soul… but somehow he knows he would never. Could never. It’s an upsetting thought for him.

And he most definitely wouldn’t want anything plaguing a little kid… especially this little girl that Billy shares a home with now.

Bc Billy’s no stranger to nightmares, and within about 3 days of moving into the Hopper household, he knows El isn’t either. Bc he wakes up to shrieks. It startles him awake, gets his heart racing like crazy, and sets his entire body on fire because…

Because he hears heavy footsteps, rushing somewhere on the wooden floors.

He’s awake but his mind is still processing it so his vision is blurry and all he sees is a large figure barreling towards the only room- El’s room, and the door slams open and the shrieks get louder and Billy’s livid.

And he jumps into action, gracelessly because he’s still drunk with sleep and exhaustion (because those first few weeks in the cabin are rough on him.) and he rushes to El’s room, running himself into the doorway, leaning heavily on it, eyes scanning wildly to stop this because holy shit he didn’t think this man was like this but then again how could he be so stupid as to think this man wasn’t a poison to society like every man Billy’s ever met and-

And….

And El is crying and Billy’s vision is getting less blurry and she’s… she’s hugging Hop. Hop is on the bed, arms wrapped tight around the little bundle of curls and tears that are shivering against his chest, and Hop shoots a look up to Billy in the doorway. He must look like a fire being doused.

You okay? Hop mouths, patting El’s head.

Billy’s blinking hard, trying to make sure he knows exactly what he’s looking at- make sure he knows that there’s no danger here.

El starts mumbling something… something about monsters and labs and Papa and…

Billy leaves. Stumbles his way back to the couch and flops back down and falls into a restless sleep of his own monster.

And it takes a bit for him to realize he may never get used to it. Every time he sees something other than reality. Every time his mind is somewhere that isn’t the present. Every time Billy rushes, heart beating violently, over to the room, leaning heavily on the door, ready to fight, mind just racing with thoughts of: oh no, it finally happened. He finally did it. He’s finally bored of me. He finally moved on to her...

Every time Billy snaps back to the present, taking note of the girl having brown hair rather than red…

But Billy just never gets used to it. He never gets comfortable. It’s happened a countless number of times and every time he’s nervous and today, when El screams, Billy is up in a second, stumbling on wobbly legs that’re heavy with sleep over to her room to see her standing and crying and wobbling around herself. She’s wandering around her room, bumping into her bedframe and her dresser and her wall because she has her hands covering her eyes in fear.

Billy grabs hold of her, embracing her in his arms, keeping her still. He feels her shake as his sleep hazy mind slowly clears.

“Monsters.” is all she can say but it’s all Billy needs to hear.

So he guides her out of her bedroom and into the living room to sit on his bed in the corner. He lets her talk for a minute about what she saw and how it makes her feel and Billy just lets her before he tells her it’s “not real” and that she doesn’t have to be scared. He doesn’t quite know what else to say. Even though he has nightmares too, he’s not sure what he’d want to hear. It works, nonetheless. She breathes a little more even and nods and curls herself up in the corner of his bed while he goes to grab her a glass of milk and an extra blanket.

When Billy notices she’s not shaking anymore, he figures this is the perfect time to guide her back to her bed and try to get back to sleep himself, but the second he opens his mouth she beats him to it.

“Can you sing?”

His brows furrow deeply. “Huh?”

“Sing? Can you sing a song?”

“Uhhh… I don’t really sing, kiddo.”

“Yes you do. Sometimes you sing.”

“Yeah but-”

“Please?”

And it’s the puppy dog eyes and the pouting lip and the fact that her face is still puffy from crying that really seals the deal.

So he gives her the extra blanket and lets her get cozy and tries for the life of him to think of something to sing- some slow song he’s heard her listen to or that he’s heard and knows the lyrics to or that, maybe possibly, his mom used to sing for him when he was a kid… but even those are far and distant and muffled and it’s stupid but there’s only one song and it’s only the chorus that he can think of.

So…. well…

He makes sure she’s comfy and he lays back in the bed a bit and he twists his face up a bit and sings rather awkwardly-

“Take me down to the paradise city… where the grass is green… and the girls are pretty… oh won’t you please take me home?”

She snuggles in more, burying her face into his arm and grabbing hold of it. He sighs a little, trying his damnedest to sing the chorus slowly and in some kind of tune that resembles a lullaby.

Somehow, for some reason, it does work- with only a couple repetitions of the chorus, El is fully calm and asleep against Billy’s arm, her own arms wrapped around it like it’s a teddy bear. The smile Billy gives to her is small and soft and involuntary, and he keeps singing the chorus, softer and softer and even softer, until he too is asleep.

And just imagine Hop’s heartwarming surprise when he comes into the cabin after a grueling and tiring shift to find El spread like a semi-broken starfish across the bed, the blankets mostly wrapped around her and yet with a hand still gripping onto the arm of Billy, who is half off the bed and yet still fully passed out.

He chuckles to himself as he pulls off his boots, makes some coffee for Billy to wake up to, and gets ready for some shut eye of his own.

And imagine Hop’s even more… perhaps confusing surprise when Guns and Roses’ Paradise City comes on the radio one night when they’re all driving back from the Byers’ home and El shouts out “lullaby!”

He shoots Billy a very confused look, to which the boy just shrugs and makes his best “I have no idea what she’s talking about and don’t ask me” face.

#y'all..... i'm back on my bullshit in this new year #i've been writing SO MUCH this month who is she!!! lol #Billy Hargrove #Jim Hopper #Eleven #El Hopper #found family #fluff #ask #angst #only a little bit #i'm gonna post once a week for now even though i've got asks written out!#bc i'm trying not to burn through everything i've done lmaooooo #i'm also working on a fic while doing these #i'm deciding what day i was gonna do fridays #but then i didn't end up posting yesterday lmaooo #anyway here take this!!#i'll be answering more as consistently as possible!!#sorry i've been gone so long i've been so stressed and upset jweiwa;fawjif;wa #i was gonnaput this under a Read More so i'm not a jerk about long posts and LOOK AT ME not using a read more #someone tell me if read mores are good or bad i still don't know proper etiquette lmaoooo #halp

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halo-jpeg · 4 years

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Could I get uhhhh some headcanons for slashers with an s/o that loves to sing? Maybe Vinny, Jason, and Brahms at least? :3

I’ll do it for all the slashers I write for lol, I have so much free time and want to do a big ‘ol headcanon post :3

⚠️ THIS IS A LONG ONE. JESUS I WROTE SO MUCH. ⚠️

Slashers with an S/O who likes to sing headcanons

Vincent Sinclair

The first time Vincent heard you singing in the shower, he’d stop dead in his tracks. His first thought would be ‘how could someone sound that angelic?’. It would take him a moment to realize it was really you who was singing that beautifully.

He’d be too shy to confront you about hearing your voice. He knows that if you ever found him singing he’d be humiliated.

Finally you catch him listening in, and he’s mortified that you’ll hate him. When you actually offer to sing for him whenever he wants, his heart melts.

Now, he’s asking you to sing while he works instead of listening to his usual music while still making sure you don’t lose your voice.

Your singing helps him get to sleep, too, so when he’s having bad insomnia he’ll ask you to sing to him and it works every time.

Bo Sinclair

He’d hear you singing one day when he came home early from working at the station. He’d come and find you in the kitchen, then he’d lean against the doorway and wait for you to notice him.

When you do, the nervous smile you give him makes his heart flutter. He’d say something along the lines of ‘that throats good for more than just one thing, huh?’

He’d ask you to sing from time to time, but you’ll usually just start singing on your own, and every time you do he makes the same dirty joke, or some similar variation of it.

When he’s bored he’ll hum with you, but he’ll never sing. Unless you somehow get him drunk, then he’s a kareoke GOD.

He’ll never admit to it, but his favourite moments ever are when you sing him to sleep. He gets bad insomnia from time to time, and when he does get it, it’s really bad. You help him a lot, and these are the times you’ll usually get a few moments of calm singing along from Bo.

Lester Sinclair

Absolutely amazed when he hears your voice for the first time. How can anyone sound that perfect??

He’ll yell at Bo and Vincent to ‘shut the hell up and stop ruining the music’ whenever they make any noise at all if you’re singing.

He’ll start wanting to bring you around when he’s working more. The music on the radio all sounds the same, and it’s all distorted because of its poor signal. Your voice is 10x better and it’s clear.

He’ll sing with you from time to time but he’s a lot more self conscious about his voice than you are, so it’ll take some buttering up before he gives in.

Praises your voice 24/7, even if you aren’t singing. His opening line when the two of you run into anyone new on the road is ‘this is my girlfriend, her voice is really something!”

Michael Myers

As silent as a mouse, Michael had arrived silently in your shared home at unholy hours of the night. He expected you to be fast asleep, but instead he heard your voice dancing through the hallways. He’d creep upstairs and approach your room, emerging from the shadows to listen closer.

He immediately falls in love with you voice, he didn’t know you could sing like that. His mother used to sing to him as a child, so your voice brings him back to his past when he was loving and human.

It brings out his domestic side and makes him really want to cuddle you. He’ll lay his head on your chest and listen to the vibrations of your voice as they leave your mouth.

He won’t make a sound, afraid to prompt you to stop. He’ll listen for as long as you can sing.

Your voice calms him in instants. In the middle of a heart argument? Sing, and he’ll calm right down and rarely even apologize.

Jason Voorhees

You’d be singing one day while walking ‘alone’ in the forest (of course he’ll follow you, he has to keep you safe), and his heart will implode instantly. He’ll follow behind you as long as it takes for you to notice him, and then he’ll ask you to sing again by tapping your throat gently.

He loves the way your voice sounds when it echoes through the big, empty forest. He’ll take you on walks daily, thinking that’s the only time you’ll sing for him.

Sooner or later he wills up the courage to ask you to sing for him at home. You’re glad to, and you sing while he holds you tightly in his lap, rocking the both of you back and forth to the tunes you create.

He doesn’t let you sing when trespassers are on the property. Your voice is only for him, not scum like them.

He’ll come back from his hunts covered in blood and seething with rage and adrenaline that only your singing can soothe.

Brahms Heelshire

Your voice will get him to reveal himself sooner. He’ll be watching you through the walls as you sing to his doll persona, and he’d accidentally start to sing along as well, scaring your half to death.

After you’ve come to terms with the real him, music time would be switched with singing time, and both of you would sing together.

Brahms adores your voice, and tries his best to use a voice that matches it well. He plays piano as you sing, too.

If it were possible he’d want you to sing forever, but he’ll settle for the designated singing times, and the odd time you’ll sing while making dinner or going to sleep.

You can use your voice as a bargaining chip. “Oh, you won’t shower? Then you’ll get sick, and that’ll get me sick and I won’t be able to sing!” It works every time.

Billy Loomis and Stu Macher

You’d be singing in the car when Billy suddenly shuts off the radio. You’d obviously stop singing and he’d look like a hurt puppy. “Why’s you stop your singing, beautiful? I didn’t want that crappy radio to ruin it.”

Stu would lean on your shoulder, flashing you puppy dog eyes that match those belonging to Billy. You’re a little nervous at first as they stare expectantly, but soon they’re humming along and hugging you tightly.

Billy would never touch the radio again, nothing rivals your voice so he doesn’t care for it.

Stu would ask you to record your singing so he could listen to it whenever he wanted.

Both boys would insist you sing whenever you’re cuddling or trying to sleep. There’s no escaping their pleas, they will act like they’re dying if you don’t sing.

Danny ‘Jed Olsen’ Johnson

The moment he heard you mumbling to your music under your breath he asked you to sing a little louder. He’d known you’d be a great singer since your normal voice was so pretty already.

He’ll give you his expensive recording equipment so you can record your singing for him, and he’ll listen to it during his hunts. It’s his new favourite genre of music.

He starts to be somehow more clingy. He’s always with you, asking to hear that pretty little voice of yours.

He’ll sing with you, even if he isn’t as good as you are. There’s no one to hear you in his hidden shack, so you can belt your lungs out til your throats are sore.

And that’s exactly what he’ll do. He’s horrible at limiting his volume, so he always has a sore throat after the two of you sing together.

Norman Bates

Wow. W o w. He’d be completely stunned, froze in place. You’d realize he was staring and he’d feel horrible, rushing out that he was just admiring your gorgeous voice, and then he’d be more ebarassed by voicing his thoughts.

Your voice would be his new favourite thing. He’d do anything to hear you sing, bringing you breakfast in bed, doing all of the house cleaning, etc.

His ideal date would be a dinner that ended with your singing and dancing, simply swaying side to side as your voice set the perfect romantic vibe.

He’d become much more affectionate and confident when you’re singing. Your voice makes him feel romantic.

He’ll close his eyes and take in every note, every change in pitch, memorizing your perfect music.

Bubba Sawyer

He’d stop what he was doing almost immediately. It doesn’t matter what it was, your voice shifting in the angelic way it was, that was more important to him.

Your singing is the ultimate way to calm him when’s he’s sad, scared or angry. Yelled at by Drayton? Some tunes will help! Hurt by a trespasser? Don’t worry, you can heal him with your voice!

God forbid he ever gets sick, you’d be held at his side, singing until he was 100% better. Surprisingly, your voice actually seems to help him get better soon.

Bubba’s brothers like it too, save for Drayton. He’ll act like he doesn’t like it, but it’s better than whatever crap ChopTop likes to play.

Bubba will apologize forever and ever for the fact that he can’t sing along. No matter how many times you say you understand he still feels bad

(It says I reached the image limit, so no gifs for these last two :/)

Thomas Hewitt

He thought he’d never care for music until he heard you. He always thought music would give him headaches like the loud buzzing of his saw sometimes does, but then he heard you.

You actually soothe his headaches tremendously.

He has no idea how you get your voice to sound like that. His is so deep and rough and he has no idea how to control it like you can.

He’ll try to have you teach him but when he finds out you can’t because you sing a completely different octave he’ll be a little bummed.

He’ll settle for listening to you whenever he feels too tired to work or whenever his skull pounds with pain.

Billy Lenz

He’d heard you sing drunk kareoke with your friends, but he’d never heard you sing so... beautifully. Billy would wonder why you don’t sing like that more often.

He’d crawl from his usual home in the attic to ask you to sing more. You saying no here is the one time he’ll respect you going against his wish without a tantrum, but if you say yes he’ll drag you to the couch and burrito you both in blankets together.

He’ll sing along as best as possible, though he can’t flow between words like you can.

When he’s having a mental breakdown he’ll drag himself from the attic, a crying, sobbing mess, and he’ll crawl into your bed with you. You know immediately what he wants, and you hug him tightly, singing quietly as he calms.

When you sing he feels more sane, more grounded, as if you’re reversing all of the bad things that have happened in his life. He feels like a normal man with a perfect S/O.

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loserslibrary · 4 years

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pairing: Bill Denbrough & Eddie Kaspbrak, Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon [Hanbrough], Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier [Reddie] written by: Diana rating: Teen word count: 1,594 prompt: Hi!!!! This is such a cool idea I’m excited to see what you guys come up with it! Can I get some adult losers, like married with kids maybe? Specifically Reddie and Hanbrough if possible

“Oh, thank fucking God!” Bill cried in relief as he scrambled to the front door. He opened it to reveal Richie and Eddie, the latter of which was holding their adorable daughter. “I thought you two would never get here!”

Eddie gave him a sharp look and shushed him as he made his way into the Hanlon house. “I just got her to sleep on the way here.” he whispered as he sat himself down on the couch, covering his daughter’s ear with his hand. “Do not wake my daughter up Bill- not unless you want to face the wrath of a cranky three year old.”

“Sorry, my bad!” Bill whispered back before adding, “Do you wanna go lay her down with Ellie? Mike’s reading her a book, trying to get her to fall asleep.”

“Is he reading her the ending of one of your books?” Richie teased. He smirked at the annoyed look Bill shot him. “Sorry, dude, as one of your best friends, I’m obligated to tell you the truth. Your books are bor—OW EDS!”

Eddie elbowed him, stopping Richie from finishing his sentence. As their daughter began to stir, Eddie elbowed him again and hissed, “Shut up, Richard! If Alex wakes up, I’m making you put her back to sleep.”

Richie rubbed at his side as he nodded his head solemnly. “I would rather not. You know I hate to see her cry.”

Eddie smiled at this, his angry face going soft. “Yeah, and she knows how to take advantage of that.”

“Okay... not that I don’t like a cute domestic moment,” Bill began, interrupting their conversation, “but I asked you guys over for dinner for a reason.”

Richie and Eddie exchanged a glance before looking back over at Bill. “What’s up?” Eddie asked at the same time that Richie said, “Are you two getting divorced?”

Bill just stared at Richie with wide eyes, unable to process what he had just asked. “Wha—NO! We’re not getting divorced...W-Why would you even ask that?”

“Sorry, I don’t know man.” Richie shrugged, not looking apologetic in the slightest. “Your tone was kind of serious. And we all know Mike’s too good for you anywa—OOF”

“That’s it! Get out of here, Rich.” Eddie said as he elbowed Richie again. He handed their daughter over to him. “Go take her to Ellie’s room with Mike.”

“Aww but Eds,” Richie whined as he complied and accepted Alex into his arms, “I wanna hear the hot gossip!”

“You can find out later,” Eddie said with a roll of his eyes. He pointed towards the hallway leading to the rooms. “You know I tell you everything anyway.”

Richie smiled and leaned over to give Eddie a quick kiss on the cheek before getting up. “You sure do. I have all the dirt on all our friends because of you, my love.”

“God, get a room.” Bill said and pretended to gag as Richie left the room. “You two are disgustingly sweet. I can’t stand it.”

Eddie laughed and leaned back into the couch and crossed his right leg over his left. “Says the forty year old man that cried just last week when Mike came home with—”

“Ok, ok, yeah I get it!” Bill lifted a hand to stop Eddie from continuing. “We’re all fools madly in love with our husbands. Can I just tell you what I have to say?”

“Alright,” Eddie said as he crossed his arms. “I’m all ears.”

“Well, Mike and I…” Bill hesitated, unsure of how to begin. “Listen, this is...this is beyond us. We’re going to need back up. I just don’t know how we’re going to handle this!”

Eddie gave him a puzzled look, trying to understand what Bill was saying. He watched Bill gesture wildly for a couple more moments before he reached over to stop his arms from continuing to move. “Alright, enough. What the fuck are you talking about, Bill? You’re kind of scaring me.”

“I just...We really need help, Eddie.” Bill pleaded. “We have no idea what the fuck we’re doing.”

Eddie sighed in frustration.. “Help with what Bill? Come on man, spit it out! I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.”

“Ellie! What else?” Bill groaned. “Am I not making myself clear?”

“Uh...no??” Eddie looked at him as if he’d grown two heads. “Literally nothing you’ve said has made any sense?? It literally sounded like you were trying to tell me you and Mike were having issues…”

“No! Mike and I are fine. We’re great, actually.” Bill assured him. “It’s just… this whole parenting thing is even harder than we had expected.. Ellie’s our first child, and I don’t want to fuck this up! You know how it was growing up for me, Eddie.”

Eddie watched him worriedly and motioned for him to continue. If Bill needed him to listen, then that was exactly what he would do.

“M-my parents sucked.” Bill said as he choked back a sob. “I mean... my own father hit me with his fucking car and then barely batted an eye. I’m terrified that I’ll fuck this up, Eddie. I don’t want to be a bad father, I want Ellie to have all the love and attention that Georgie and I never got growing up. You and Rich have two adorable daughters that have everything they could ever want...That’s what I want for Ellie. Please, Eddie, tell me how to be a good father.”

“Jesus, Bill…” Eddie wiped a tear from his cheek as he placed a comforting hand on his friend’s back. “Listen…”

Eddie paused and tried to find the right words to say. Bill was right; his parents had been neglectful towards him and his brother growing up, but that didn’t mean Bill would be the same. Why would he be the same? Eddie could see just how worried Bill was about being a father, and he understood. He and Richie had been the same way when they brought home their first daughter, Emma.

Eddie had been scared of smothering her like his mother had done to him. He had even been too scared to hold her at first, worried that he would somehow harm the fragile human being he was now tasked with protecting. Richie had talked him through it, he’d patiently coaxed Eddie into holding her gently in his arms. Now, Eddie was more than happy with the family he had, and he wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

He wanted that for Bill, too. He wanted Bill to see that his experience as a father would be nothing like his experience as a son. Bill was scared, and considering his childhood, it was a completely valid feeling. But Bill had a good heart, and he clearly cared so much about his daughter; he had what his parents lacked—an interest in the well being of his child.

“Listen, Billy...” Eddie said softly while he rubbed soothing circles on Bill’s back. “The fact that you’re even worried about fucking up shows just how different you are from your parents. You would NEVER in a million years neglect your daughter the way your parents neglected you and your brother.”

“Yeah but—“

“If it’s actually parenting tips you need, I’m here for you.” Eddie continued, not letting Bill protest. “I’ve got some nice, healthy recipes I can pass on to you that will trick Ellie into eating her veggies without a fuss. I can send you links to some nice classical music playlists for kids that’ll have her knocked out in no time. You’re bound to mess up, but not the way you think you will. You AND Mike have got this. We’re here for you. Hell, you took care of Georgie by yourself for years. There’s really no reason for you to be worried about messing up, you’re more than capable of taking care of Ellie.”

“Thanks Eddie,” Bill smiled at him, leaning over to rest his head on Eddie’s shoulder. “Mike’s been telling me we have nothing to worry about, that being a new parent is a process. I just...I guess I needed to hear it from an experienced parent that I’m not doing something wrong. I love Mikey, but that man can’t change a diaper to save his life. I’ve been so worried about Ellie getting diaper rash that—Why are you laughing?”

“Oh, it’s just—” he burst into more laughter now. “God, Bill, you sound just like me when we first became parents. This is literally...like this is literally step two of becoming a parent. Step one is the giddiness, the excitement of having a child. Step two is when the panic sets in. Trust me, you’ll get over it and before you know it, you’ll be on step three: relief.”

“Can’t wait for that.” Bill sighed and dreamed of the day he wouldn’t feel anxiety over being the caretaker of a small and vulnerable human being. Eddie was right though, he had taken care of Georgie for years all by himself. He could do this, he just needed someone to reassure him.

“You’ll get there soon.” Eddie assured him as he patted him on the back before standing up. He motioned towards where he had sent Richie. “Now, let’s go check on our husbands. This is the first dinner out we’ve had in weeks and I don’t trust Richie not to ruin it by waking up Alex or preventing your daughter from falling asleep with his Voices that, for some reason, all the kids fucking love.”

#hanbrough #hanbrough fic #reddie #reddie fic #bill denbrough #eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #mike hanlon #ours #by diana #ours: hanbrough #ours: reddie #domestic #with kids #tw: child abuse #tw: neglect

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laniidae-passerine · 4 years

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See, the big problem with Hitch is that he talks a lot about himself, but it’s near impossible to tell if he’s lying or not.

So, I’m going to collect information about him from the books that I think is either most definitely true or could possibly be true. Any other information I’ll discount as a lie or impossible to tell if it’s true, and I won’t write it down. Reminder that I don’t own books 2 or 3 and there are spoilers! below. Let’s begin!

Look Into My Eyes

He’s first described as basically a knockout stunner who walked out of almost everyone’s dreams. And so was I just not supposed to love him? Unrealistic.

“But when Ruby answered the door she was surprised to see a remarkably handsome, rather tall, formally dressed man. He was neither particularly young nor would he ever be considered in any way old - in fact it was impossible to really put any accurate age on him.” [page 46]

He’s apparently a man of culture, because he instantly knows what designer Sabina is talking about in regards to her jacket.

“‘Well it is an Oscar Birdet, maybe they felt a little out their depth?’” [page 51]

While he’s obviously very good at his job, he’s not so humble as to not be pleased with himself. He knows he’s good at what he does.

“Ruby looked up to see the amused face of Hitch. He looked kind of pleased with himself, which irritated her.” [page 55]

He’s surprised by just how observant Ruby is, clearly underestimating her right out of the gate.

“‘I’m surprised you noticed (my arm injury).’ And he was surprised too; he thought he had concealed his arm injury well.” [page 56]

Even a man of taste can’t help showing off, and it seems like every guy with enough money lining his pockets likes a nice car, as indicated by his colour choice in convertible.

“‘Well that might explain the flashy car - he’s got this silver convertible.’” [page 62]

He knows a stylist?

“Hope you approve. Had my stylist friend Billie pick these things out for you - she’s good at that kind of thing. Hitch.” [page 81]

He doesn’t have a peanut allergy, lucky him.

“He looked up, startled, and immediately began to spread it with peanut butter. ‘Toast?’ he said.” [page 81]

I am physically aching with how much Lauren Child loves to remind us how hot Hitch is - give us a break, or else I might cry with how good looking he is. But just in case you forgot, let’s remind ourselves about how Hitch is the most attractive man alive! Also, he’s got brown or hazel eyes, Mrs Bexenheath hasn’t decided yet.

“Mrs Bexenheath, the school secretary, looked up to see at what first glance she imagined to be some Hollywood film star. It was as if he had accidentally strayed off the ‘walk of fame’ and wandered unwittingly into the shabby halls of Twinford Junior High - so entirely out of place was he. However, this handsome man struck up and easy conversation with her and before a minute had passed Mrs Bexenheath had found herself agreeing to excuse Ruby Redfort from all lessons for the foreseeable future. She had concentrated carefully, all the while staring into his Hollywood eyes, wondering if they were brown or were they hazel.” [pages 105 and 106]

He knows he’s so attractive that he can just make stuff up and like Ruby, he’s one hell of a liar.

“‘Well, it seems that your grandmother had contracted a rare but not infectious virus while bird watching in the Australian Alps - condition, serious,’ Hitch said, turning the key in the ignition. ‘There are no Australian Alps,’ said Ruby. ‘Well someone should have told your grandmother that because now look at her.’” [page 106]

Hitch doesn’t know shit about children or teenagers until he meets Ruby, and that’s a goddamn fact.

“‘Buzz, give the kid a little tour of the gadget room,’ said Hitch. ‘That’ll keep her out of trouble.’ He was wrong about that.” [page 110]

Now for the moment that made me think he was cute when I reread the books as a teen - he’s not above messing with people and enjoys a good joke now and then.

“‘OK,’ said Hitch, holding his finger to his temple as if he was channelling the information. ‘I’m guessing... chocolate raspberry, strawberry frosting, rainbow sprinkles - am I right?’ Elliot, speechless, handed over the donut.” [page 148 and 149]

And the moment that made me realise I adored him. God yes he’s very handsome and yes he’s got money and yes he’s a secret agent but I’d trade all of that, just for a guy who admits when he’s been stupid. And somehow he can do that while also having and being all of the above.

“When he (Hitch) came in he said, ‘Look kid, maybe part of this is my fault, I accept that, I’ve been kinda ribbing you and talking down to you - so maybe you and I need to start over?’” [page 171]

He likes some of the finer things in life.

“Back at Cedarwood Drive, Ruby went downstairs to find Hitch, who was sitting in his small but comfortable apartment, listening to music and reading some papers.” [page 178]

He’s a charmer, obviously.

“It occurred to Ruby that Consuela was rather over dressed for this task, the stiletto heels and painted fingernails seeming to be more of a hindrance than a help. She was also laughing rather too much [at Hitch’s jokes], that sort of random giggling that certain girls at Ruby’s school broke into whenever Richie Dare walked past.” [page 181]

I don’t actually think he’s assigned to Spectrum 8 - he’s apparently not a Twinfordite or based in California as he implies when he’s about to leave the Redfort house,

“‘What is it? I got a plane to catch in less than,” Hitch looked at his watch, ‘seventeen minutes.’” [page 294]

He’s got a temper on him, and can get angry rather quickly if someone’s done something stupid.

“As he drove, Hitch thought about Ruby. He was about as angry as he had ever been. What on earth had gotten into the kid?” [page 297]

He doesn’t like Froghorn a the beginning of the books and also he’s the sick in the stomach guilt kinda guy.

“Hitch was feeling horrible - the kind of guilt that causes nausea. Why hadn’t he listened, he never should have let LB assign that numbskull.” [page 328]

He owns a gun and I’d assume it’s Spectrum issued.

“You tell him kid, hissed Hitch, his hand reaching for his revolver.” [page 378]

I can’t say for sure, but I have this feeling that he and Nine Lives were kinda close in the way that you must be if you’re continually trying to kill one another. (I’ve always thought of her as being smart enough to be a Spectrum agent but always refusing Hitch’s offers to join when they were younger, and he finally gave up when she started recreationally killing but that’s just my personal head-canon!) Anyway, her death has him feeling some kinda way.

“(Valerie) looked up at Hitch. ‘You killed me?’ she said as she slid to the floor. In her left hand the diamond revolver glittered, a pool of crimson forming where she lay. For just a second the three figures were frozen. Hitch had so many times fought Nine Lives only to watch her somehow leap to her escape - wounded but always alive. Could it really be over?” [page 381]

Feel the Fear

What does Hitch fear? LB? Death? Bears? No. He fears the most dangerous thing of all - meter-maids.

“Ruby looked up to see a tall, well-groomed man in a well-cut suit standing in the room. He appeared moderately anxious. ‘Am I making you nervous?’ asked Ruby. ‘The only person making me nervous is the meter maid on 3rd Avenue where I’m double-parked.’” [page 26]

He’s a trustworthy guy, so not just all stunningly good looks then.

“That was the thing about Hitch: he kept his mouth shut. He had to: 𝘚𝘗𝘌𝘊𝘛𝘙𝘜𝘔 𝘙𝘜𝘓𝘌 1: 𝘒𝘌𝘌𝘗 𝘐𝘛 𝘡𝘐𝘗𝘗𝘌𝘋. as one of the highest-ranking agents at Spectrum 8, he was trusted with heavily classified information. He didn’t squeal for anything or anybody.” [pages 28 and 29]

He loves Ruby, most definitely, like some kinda surrogate agent dad but by god how did he end up here?

“So how had a top-notch spy wound up working undercover as a bodyguard to a thirteen year old kid? Hitch, for one, asked himself this question practically every day.” [page 29]

It’s implied he’s never worked an actual real job in his life - obviously or else he’d have the worn down look of everyone who’s ever had to take a job in retail.

“‘No Redfort, not really, at least I doubt it, but they might fire me.’ ‘That would suck,’ she said. Hitch nodded. ‘Yes it would. I’d have to go and get a real job.’ He shuddered. ‘I’m sure my parents would keep you on.’ ‘Yes,’ said Hitch. ‘That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.’” [page 50]

He never sleeps. He never looks sleepy. All a man born in 1930 knows is coffee, play his clarinet, not sleep, be bisexual, work as an agent and lie.

“Didn’t matter what time of day or night, Ruby had never caught Hitch unprepared, asleep or even on the brink of dozing off.” [page 131]

He has the dad act down to the “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” voice.

“At that exact moment Hitch’s voice was the best sound Ruby had ever heard, even though it in fact sounded sort of furious. He wasn’t shouting, which made it worse, his voice heavy with disappointment, his expression telling her that at that very moment he wasn’t exactly pleased to see her breathing but was relieved that he hadn’t had to pick up the Ruby-shaped pieces.” [page 176]

He is apparently knowledgeable about French Antique furniture, specifically that of the 1700’s.

“Clancy led Hitch to his mother’s dressing room and Hitch surveyed the damage. He winced, ran his fingers over the wood. ‘Pear and walnut, made in the French provinces.’ He opened the drawers and examined their construction. ‘Circa 1727, very typical.’ He looked underneath the table top; found what he was looking for. ‘Surprising.’ Then he took a magnifier from his bag, held it over the damaged wood of the table. ‘A quality piece.’” [pages 210 and 211]

Listen, when I said he had money, I wasn’t joking. To misquote somebody, I don’t love him cause he’s rich, but it sure doesn’t hurt.

“Hitch took a fat wodge of twenty dollar bills from his wallet, peeled off a large number and handed them to the guy in charge, shook them all by the hand and watched them leave.” [page 211]

Hitch implies he’s attracted to women, but that’s not news to us because he’s obviously bi, duh.

“‘I think someone just tried to kill me.’ ‘You’re looking at the next guy in line - I just happened to be having dinner two blocks away with a very charming meter maid.’” [page 322]

He’s got a vaguely recognisable aesthetic.

“Ruby knew the Charles Burger, and upmarket burger grill place, with green leather banquette seating and polished wood tables. It was very Hitch somehow.” [page 366]

He can do parkour. It’s amazing.

“‘Let me explain.’ Without warning, Hitch ran. He was across the parking lot in the blink of any eye and headed straight towards a high brick wall - but he didn’t stop, he didn’t slow his pace, he ran at the wall and then up the wall, and when he got to the top... (insert long description of very cool parkour antics)” [page 372]

I literally do not understand how this handsome superman type of guy is single. How?! HE CAN JUMP BETWEEN WHOLE BUILDINGS!

“The crowd gasped as the woman flailed in the sky, and then they gasped again to see a figure in all black fly across the spotlight’s beam to snatch her from the dark.” [pages 478 and 479]

Pick Your Poison

Nobody knows an actual fact about Hitch and it’s very painful.

“‘When it comes to Hitch, I think it’s hard to know what’s true. You think you know him but, look at it this way, what do I really have as hard evidence? Do I know anything?’ ‘You know he likes coffee,’ suggested Clancy. ‘What I know Clance,’ corrected Ruby, ‘is that Hitch drinks coffee and a lot of it, but does he drink it because he likes the taste of it or because she need to keep from falling asleep? Well, it’s anybody’s guess.’” [page 31]

In case you forgot, because it really doesn’t get said often, Hitch is very attractive.

“She didn’t immediately spot Hitch. He was browsing chickpeas: a tall, good-looking man, wearing an elegant raincoat over a dark suit.” [page 60]

Dad jokes!

“‘Isn’t this a bit inconvenient?’ said Ruby. ‘I mean, having to walk through a store every time you want to reach Spectrum?’ ‘On the contrary,’ he said. ‘It’s a convenience store.’” [page 60]

This isn’t really a fact about him, but this part always makes me laugh so here we go.

“Hitch, who was standing behind Ruby, was trying silently mouth something to SJ and making a sort of cutting motion with his hand as if to say ‘stop talking’, but SJ wasn’t reading this and instead was making it abundantly clear that she was marking this incident up as attempted murder.” [page 228]

The amount of sass contained within one man... legendary.

“‘Kid, don’t you worry about your mother, I got that covered. I have someone watching her, just a precaution.’ ‘I hadn’t noticed,’ said Ruby. Hitch looked heavenwards. ‘He’s a professional, you’re not meant to notice.’” [page 228]

This quote is pretty self explanatory.

“‘So who’s the Aikido master?’ ‘That would be me,’ said Hitch.” [page 250]

He does in fact like coffee!

“‘Same place,’ said Hitch. ‘I only told you Lucello’s because the coffee’s good.’” [page 348]

We get a rare moment of Hitch actually chilling out and eating food!

“Hitch was there, eating a Digby club sandwich (a Mrs Digby special) and he raised a hand in greeting when she walked in.” [page 393]

Even secret agents want their downtime, and are prone to laziness.

“‘You couldn’t fix it yourself?’ ‘Sure I could,’ said Hitch. ‘It’s a simple case of replacing the valve, which if I’m looking at it correctly is a 3/4 inch ceramic. But I’ve got bigger fish to fry.’ [page 394]

He’s capable of getting shouty when he’s being told he can’t do his job properly.

“‘You didn’t have any traffic,’ said Ruby, angrily, ‘you came by helicopter, and by the way I radioed for assistance more than forty minutes back.’ ‘Well, that seems unlikely since we got no call.’ They were almost shouting at each other now.” [page 476]

Just like I mentioned with Blacker, it seems Hitch contributes to some of the dark humour at Spectrum 8.

“Hitch: ‘You don’t have to convince me, you should see the state she left Baby Face in - or rather I should say, states.’ Delaware: ‘How do you mean? Where is he now?’ Hitch: ‘Well, he left his heart in San Francisco.’ Blacker: “His head was found in Monterrey.’ Hitch: ‘And his legs have yet to show.’ LB: ‘Excuse me?’ Blacker: ‘He’s a goner.” [page 503]

Blink and You Die

Both Clancy and Ruby trust their agent dad.Also, I feel like Hitch is actually the closest thing to a dad that Clancy has, because his actual dad sucks, and that just gets me.

“‘So you’re going to have to talk to Hitch. You trust him, don’t you?’ ‘A hundred per cent,’ said Ruby.” [page 96]

He’s notable for his on-time nature.

“She sat down. All the seats around her were unoccupied and there was no sign of Hitch. Mr Punctuality appeared to be late.” [page 103]

Although I think he might be lying, it seems like Hitch enjoys stargazing.

“‘I like that place,’ said Hitch. ‘The planetarium?’ ‘Yeah, like I said, I find it soothing.’” [page 108]

He’s sincere enough to convince LB to do things she doesn’t really want to and he’s got Ruby’s back to the end.

“‘Hitch has persuaded HQ that it would wise to keep up the survival skills. He seems to think you need all the protection you can get, and though you are no longer a functioning field agent or coding agent, after much consideration, I am persuaded he is right.’” [page 113]

He’s got non-verbal cues that indicate when he’s pissed off - they’re minor but they’re there.

“They talked together got a few minutes, all perfectly fine until Hitch appeared to notice something - perhaps it was to do with Froghorn’s attire, it was hard to say from this distance but Ruby recognised the subtle change in body language and knew that he was not happy, not happy at all.” [page 180]

He’s been seriously injured before in his life, and why was nobody paying attention to these goddamn children, holy hell Spectrum dropped the ball on this one.

“While this drama was unfolding, so another was taking place - the screams of a boy who had apparently fallen into the shallows, but managed somehow to scrabble onto one of the rafts. He had incurred a life-threatening from a fifteen-foot crocodile, but he was lucky - his cries had alerted rescue and he was dragged from the river before he could be taken by the reptile. The boy suffered severe shock and could not be questioned about the incident.” [page 235]

I think that his name suits him well, but jeez, imagine looking at your baby and giving him this name.

“The second, the boy who was almost swallowed by the crocodile, was named as Art Hitchen Zachery.” [page 236]

He is not immune to the upset looks of Sabina Redfort.

“‘I’m afraid I’m expected elsewhere,’ said Hitch, glancing anxiously at his watch. ‘Oh no, really?’ exclaimed ‘Sabina. She looked so forlorn that Hitch found himself saying, ‘You know what, how about I stay for the starter - it really looks too good to miss.’” [page 260]

His birthdate was 1930!

“‘Just how old do you think I am?’ ‘I don’t know,’ said Ruby, ‘fifty-five... fifty-seven.’ ‘Kid, I’m forty-two.’ He shook his head. ‘Boy, never ask a kid to guess your age; they’ll always have you pegged at just shy of decrepit.’” [page 290]

I don’t even know what to caption this, except that he’s able to burst into hysterics. Also, he went with other Spectrum agents to Disneyland, which is adorable.

“‘Are you kidding?’ He began to laugh, really laugh. In fact, he laughed so hard that he didn’t look like he was ever going to stop. ‘What?’ she asked, annoyed that she wasn’t in on the joke. ‘That picture was taken at Disneyland,’ he wheezed. ‘He was made of rubber. Kid, you might to get a new pair of spectacles.’” [page 291]

More dad jokes!

“‘I’d love to, kid, but I’ve got places to be.’ As the doors closed shut, he called, ‘See you later alligator!’ ‘Funny,’ muttered Ruby, ‘real funny.’” [page 291]

While the revelation of Bradley being alive is a huge thing, Hitch still has time for sass.

“Ruby: ‘I’ve only seen two picture of Baker and in neither one did he have this whole wild man of the woods deal going on.’ Hitch: ‘You mean the facial hair?’ Baker: ‘It’s just a beard for crying out loud.’ [page 336]

He can play poker!

“By the time Ruby decided to turn in for bed, Sabina, Hitch, Bradley, Brant and Mrs Digby were settled in for a long night of poker.” [page 348]

The title of butler doesn’t sit great with him.

“‘He’s some butler,’ remarked Brant. ‘Honey, Hitch is a house manager,’ corrected Sabina. ‘He doesn’t like to be called butler, he’s very particular about that.’” [page 350]

He’s this close to dying and he’s still throwing out the snappy comebacks, what a guy.

“The Australian: ‘Of course. But try to refrain from doing anything stupid.’ Hitch: ‘What would add up to stupid?’ The Australian: ‘Any sudden movements; that wouldn’t be smart sweetie.’ Hitch: ‘I’ll try keep my nervous twitch under control.’ The Australian: ‘I’m impressed by your common sense.’ Hitch: ‘I’m impressed by your gun.'” [page 388]

He’s a real personality - the kind you miss badly when he’s not around.

“Thing moved like clockwork in the Redfort home, every household issue was attended to, and though no one was aware of it, their security was monitored and every safety procedure followed. But life seemed dull without Hitch.” [page 429]

He has a permanent scar from the crocodile incident.

“‘Wanna see the bite? It’s ugly, took an awful lot of stitches to put me back together.’” [page 509]

And those are all the facts I’ve found that we didn’t already know/ are relevant about one Art Hitchen Zachary! I omitted the other 700 paragraphs where we get reminded yet again that he’s very handsome, and still he is the most amazing man!

#rr #ruby redfort #art hitchen zachary #hitch #me reading all of this is just *heart eyes*#im loveeee #if ya man isn't like this do you even want a man at all?#anyway #agent blacker #lb #bradley baker #byd spoilers #blink and you die spoilers #blacker #miles froghorn #clancy crew

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anonymous-hopeful · 6 years

Text

The Soul Society (Chapter Two: And We Shall Ride Forevermore)

First chapter is here:https://anonymous-hopeful.tumblr.com/post/168367064353/the-soul-society-chapter-one-snow-melts-with

Elder Kettle sat alone in his room, his cane tapping the floor. Once the members of the society had left for the brief recess, he had checked on the young sippy cups laying asleep in their cribs. Both Cuphead and Mugman hadn't awoken during Chill E.'s storytelling, thank goodness, and after a quick kiss and a fixing of the covers, he left the young to their rest. The kettle smiled fondly; he remembered that it wasn't too long ago when the stork had left the babies at his doorstep. In fact, it was a few months after the casino was built. There was no doubt in the elder's mind that during that time when everything felt dark and despaired, the two innocent babies wrapped in swaddling cloths had just brought him all of the joy in the world. As he reminesed on that fateful day, a knocking on the door had interrupted his thoughts.

Sighing, Elder Kettle eased up from his rocking chair and made his way to the door, finding himself surprised when he saw the Blind Spectre on the other side.

"Spectre? Don't ya have somethin' ta do with the Phantom Express?", Elder Kettle asked, displaying a look of concern.

"Yes...well, um...I should but...I just...wanted to look...at the babies.". Spectre explained, a nervousness in his voice.

Elder Kettle thought for a moment. Spectre, as he now is, was an optimistic, charming young lad, especially when he was human, despite his total blindness and speech impediment. Ever since what...happened...however, he was gifted with vision in his afterlife, and from then he had spent his free time seeing everything he had missed in Inkwell Isle. Giving a gentle smile, Elder Kettle had let Spectre in, and allowed him to see the sippy cups.

Grinning wide, Spectre opened up his eyes, or rather, his hands, to see the little ones.

"Oh...they're adorable...I wish they...were awake...so then I could...hold them.", Spectre said, a genuine happiness in his voice.

Elder Kettle nodded, agreeing with the spirit. "You still haven't told me why you had to look at the boys so urgently.".

"Um...well...I can...see...into the future!", he proclaimed, before adding, "I see those two saving us all...no more debts...".

This had piqued Elder Kettle's interest. "Really, now? Well, what exactly didja see?".

The Blind Spectre tapped his chin. "I can't...describe it well...I think they destroyed them...but I'm not sure why...or how they...got them in...the first place.".

Before Elder Kettle could respond, the grandfather clock in the living room had rung, signalling the end of the recess...

Even though they were often called by nicknames (T-Bone, the blind lad, and simply the twins), they did indeed have real names. Yes, not many would know, but the men who worked the Inkwell Express were originally from somewhere else on the globe, a place that didn't have the astounding magics of Inkwell Isle, but where the people spoke eloquently with a rich and fluttering accent that made the poorest of pesants sound regal. The one called T-Bone, the oldest member of the Express crew, had the name Thomas Hardwick. He himself had spent majority of his life in the fancy magic-void place, making a living as an engineer.

The twins, slightly older than the blind lad, but only by a few years, were Billy and Bobby Blayzon. They certainly were an interesting duo; styled their hair the same, always finished each other's sentences, never separated from one another. Thomas had found them trying to sleep in one of the train's freight cars one night in a blustering winter, the only thing keepng them warm being their ragged overalls and a single piece of cloth barely large enough to cover one brother. When confronted, they had told their story; their mother would terrorize them, beating their bodies since they could breathe. Without a father to protect them, the boys suffered until one day, when they had stowed away enough supplies, they had escaped, and hadn't looked back since then. The young teens begged the older man to let them stay, and Thomas, feeling pity, would teach them how the locomotive worked, having them do a job in exchange for a home, and at the slight expense of Thomas, cash.

The blind lad would not come into the picture until many years later. While the lad was a teenager, the twins were in their twenties, and Thomas was almost fifty-eight. A group of people were loading into the train to travel to far destinations; for some, it was work, for othera, it was school or home. One fateful day, the lad had boarded the bus. Even though he hadn't a stick or a dog, Thomas could tell he was blind. His eyes were a haunting shade of blue, and they'd loll about carelessly, never focusing on one thing. Somehow, the lad had managed to make his way on, find an empty seat, and crack open a book without any assistance. Feeling the need to talk to the boy, Thomas made his way over to him and sat down.

"Are ya new here?"

"Hm?", the lad answered, his head turning to the sound of the older man's voice.

"Are ya new? I ain't seen the likes of ya here before."

"What a thick accent...are you from...the countryside?"

Thomas looked at him, confused.

"Uh-"

"Sorry...Random question... I'm new here, yes...It was rather easy ...navigating my way, however.... I told mother... I'd be fine by... myself, after all, I did graduate ...Nottingham's School for the Impaired... with top honors, and... even my assistant says... that I'm more ...than able to get around.... without trouble. I just use... my hands as eyes,... they work just as ...well, if not better... that actual eyes.".

The blind lad chuckled before continuing.

"My name is... Emery Spectre, my apologies... for not mentioning sooner. I've been told ...I have a high level of... brain power. One day, I hope... to be the first blind person... to operate a locomotive...ambitious, huh?".

Thomas grinned, though he knew Emery couldn't see him.

"Well, if yer interested, I happen ta be the conductor of this here train.".

Emery was quiet for a moment, before replying, "I will most... definitely consider.".

The years had passed, and every day Emery could be spotted on the train.

"Do you think boss will-", Bobby began.

"Let Emery work train?" Billy finished, looking at Thomas with bright eyes.

This would eventually work, and Thomas was going to implore that Emery work with them, when one day, the blind lad had came to the train exclaiming that he was invited to work a train on a remote island, and that Thomas, Billy, and Bobby should come as well. Against better judgement, the three agreed, and all were on the next ferry to Inkwell Isle.

Now, Thomas, Bobby and Billy, and Emery were known as some of the few humanfolk on the Isle, and conductors of the magical Inkwell Express, who was a sentient being itself.

"Look's like we're nearin' the second part of the Isle, Head.", Thomas warned.

Nodding in response, the Head of the Train prepared to brake, coming to a slow and squeaky stop.

"Uh oh. That doesn't sound good.", the Head stated, taking a look at its brakes.

"Seems like we'll have ta cut this run short...Emery, could ya ask someone on the Isle ta warn everyone about the Devil?", Thomas inquired.

"Sure, of course...I'll be back soon!", Emery replied, getting off the train to travel around the carnival around them.

Who would be the best to spread the word around this part of the Isle? Grim and Wally could fly, but Grim had a stuttering problem, sort of like he did, and Wally refused to leave his nest for anything. That left Djimmi, Beppi, and the Baroness. Emery stopped to think a bit. Who was the most mature and efficient? Actually, that didn't take much thought. Now, Emery was making his way to the Baroness' castle.

The huge thing growled at him with a mean grimace as he stood in front of it.

"Pardon me, but...I have news for ...the Baroness, and I ...mean no harm.", Emery stated calmly, soon after hearing the clicking of high heels down stairs.

"Aha! I thought that was your sweet voice, lad! Please excuse my castle; he isn't used to the sight of you yet, as you barely come by! Tell me, what news do you have?", the Baroness inquired, quite merrily.

"I regret to ...inform you that ...the Devil's Casino ...is up and running. We on the ...Inkwell Express had ...come to warn everyone ...on this part of the Isle ...and the next, however... the Express isn't ...at it's peak performance. I implore you ...to tell everyone ...on this part ...of the Isle.", Emery answered.

"Oh my! I shall! I shall, and right away, too! Sir Waffington! Gather the other members of the court! We have a mission to fulfill!", Baroness von Bon Bon cried out as she went back into the castle. A moment later, she came back out to say,

"Tell Rumor that I said hello, and come back soon, sweetheart!".

Emery gave a nod and a smile as he went back to the Express.

"I told the Baroness... and she promised to ...spread the word. Will we be ...able to make a ...stop at the... first part of ...the Isle?", Emery asked, a twist of excitement in his voice.

"Ye know the train ain't working right. Why do you-!"

Thomas yelped as the train came to another squeaking halt. Immediately, he looked to the twins, who's hands were grasping the brake.

"He wants to see flower...", Bobby whistled.

"Ya know...Cagney.", Billy finished with a snicker.

Thomas rolled his eyes. Emery was an exemplary man, but there was absolutely no way Thomas could make sense of the whole...flower thing...maybe he was still getting used to the Isle, or all the weird magic, which he was also getting used to, but at the moment, he never thought about falling in love with any odd being, more or less falling in love with a flower, and a male flower at that, yet here he was, and there went Emery, into the forest to find the carnation he was so fond of.

"Cagney? Cagney...? This forest was...always difficult to...navigate...", Emery sighed, before a familiar voice (and an unfamiliar voice) caught his attention.

"Ya wouldn't believe it, Cags! That's the fifth time today one of us has been plucked from the ground! The punk lady didn't even ask or check if he was alright! She just turned around and gave him to her friend, like a gift! I'm tellin' ya, Cags, the vegetation of Inkwell Isle barely get any pod-pickin' respect! More so the flowers! Plucked from the dirt and made into bouquets and decor! One day I oughta-".

"Calm down, Dave, you don't want to loose your petals again! Though I agree with you completely! We must establish our dominance, not just in the forest, but in the rest of the isle! Extreme pollination, total domination!".

"Haha, yes! This is why yer the flower's flower, Cags! Extreme pollination, total domination, that's what you say! If only! One day, at least...humph.".

Nervous, Emery turned toward the voices. He had taken a step, than another, before managing to step on a rather loud...something.

"Wha?! Who is it this time?!", the small, angry flower grumbled.

"Emery? Oh my, how much of that conversation did you hear...?", Cagney chuckled nervously.

"All the same...you and your plan...I'm terribly sorry ...for your friend.", Emery replied.

"Ah, save it. Yer lucky ya only stepped on a branch. Dang humans, ruinin' the welfare...", the flower muttered, stomping away.

"You'll have to pardon my friend, David Daysie, he isn't as open-minded about humans as others.", Cagney apologised.

"Oh, no, it's not...an issue, I just...wanted to talk with...you before we...on the Inkwell Express...head back.", the other proclaimed.

" Oh, you're too kind! Nice to have someone, a human, who understands the pain that flowers are subjected to. If only there were more like you.", Cagney sighed.

Emery had inched forward, his hands in front of him, until he felt Cagney's soft petals. Remembering again the structure of Cagney's face, Emery cupped his lower petals and kissed the flower on his forehead.

"There are more, you'll see...". Emery sighed.

"Heh...humans understanding us? Never...Inkwell Express, huh?"

A while later, Emery had returned to the train.

"Thank goodness. We gotta be headin' back now, the trains getting more wonky.", Thomas warned.

"Uh oh...let's hurry back...", Emery concurred.

"I can handle this last ride back!", the head of the train claimed, as he began to work his way down the track.

The first moments for the ride back were fine, and the head was having no problem. After rounding a turn however, the head, as well as the crew, noticed that something was wrong.

"Hey, shouldn't we be slowing down?", Thomas asked as the train accelerated more.

"Well, yes, but...I'm not slowing down for some reason. Last time we checked, I thought it was the engine that wasn't workin!," Head exclaimed.

"Billy? Bobby?", Thomas inquired.

"Don't look at us!", Bobby cried.

"We didn't break anything!", Billy added.

Thomas nodded. "Well, then, if the brakes aren't working, I guess...hey, where's that lever?".

The crew looked at the control panel, nearly jumping in horror at the reveal of no manual brake lever.

"Yikes! We've been sabotoged!", Thomas cried out in fear.

"What? What are we...to do?", Emery asked, shaken.

"I...um, well, we can't jump, so...", Thomas replied, looking over at the others.

"Huh? No, you aren't...", Billy gasped.

"...saying what we think?", Bobby whimpered.

"We're in a runaway train, going who knows how fast...I don't know what to do!", Thomas panicked.

"Wait! I'll keep us going until we can come to a safe stop. We aren't giving up yet!", the head yelled.

"Head, I applaud ya, but this train is going to crash! Yeah, we'll keep going, but what about those mountains, or the amusement park? We have to accept that we're not making it out of here. There's no way.", Thomas sighed.

"But I could save you all at least! I don't want ya dead! Not on my watch! Couldn't I try?", the head pleaded.

"Head...listen when I say this...crash the train.". Thomas ordered.

"But...but...", Emery stuttered.

"Wait! Couldn't we-", Bobby chimed, before being cut off with Thomas yelling, with tears bursting out of his eyes,

"JUST CRASH THE DAMN TRAIN!!"

and the head silently agreeing...

The thunderous crash was heard throughout the Isle. Nearly, no, everybody knew what had happened. The wreckage was an atrocity, for when the train had collided with the side of the mountain in the third part of the Isle, there was a slight outbreak of fire fueled by the train's tinder. The head was busted and dented, just barely hanging by a shoestring. The others...practically crushed, even charred.

"A train wreck? How awful...King Dice?"

"Why, yes, boss?"

"Let's see if we can't get some free souls.".

King Dice, dressed dapper and stylish as always, walked out to the wreckage. In the side of the mountain, near the casino, lay the busted train. Scowling, the die surveyed the area, seeing if there was anyone on the train to deal with. He had peeked inside one of the passenger cars of the locomotive, cringing when he saw the bloodied and broken bodies inside. Shaking his head, he looked around a bit more, spying the Head of the train crying weakly though busted beams.

"Rough day, eh pal?", King Dice inquired, his best expression of sorrow on his face.

Gradually, the Head looked over at the die, not able to muster a word.

"I don't blame you. It's not everyday something like this happens. I never rode the Express myself, but I've heard good news about it. I mean, twins, a blind lad, and a conductor from a foriegn land running a train? Amazing, in itself. If only there was a way to, I don't know, bring it all back? To continue riding on?.", Dice hinted, a smirk making its way to his face.

The Head didn't speak, more...coughed, but King Dice continued on nonetheless.

"I can't bring them back from the dead, per se, however, I could them, and the train an afterlife! Train for the dead! How about that? Instead of the Inkwell Express, it could be the uh...Phantom Express! Yes, the Phantom Express. How does that sound?', King Dice asked the Head.

"...y.....ye...yes....", the Head uttered.

"Well, it won't take much. All you'd have to do is sign a soul contract. It's a fair deal; I make your friends undead train conductors, you sign the souls over to me and my boss, and hand them over when it's time. We got a deal?", Dice implored with a sleazy look about him.

With the wave of his hand, a contract appeared, a blank line waiting to be signed.

"All ya gotta do is say yes."...

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glenngaylord · 5 years

Text

GAY PRIDE – My Review of THE LION KING (3 ½ Stars)

[Excerpted from https://thequeerreview.com/ ]

Ready for a hot take? I don’t always love animated films. Give me the crappy cut-out look of South Park or the gloriously fluid old school Looney Tunes shorts, but otherwise, I sometimes feel like my eyes are bleeding. I don’t mean to take anything away from the incredibly talented artisans who have brought so much joy and wonder to the world. It’s an eyeball thing. Speaking of which, I also don’t like the eyeballs on Disney characters. They’re so big and round and sweet. I think I know one person in the world with eyes like that and everyone calls him Aladdin, but it’s not really a compliment. Everyone else I know squints and looks dead inside. Maybe I need new friends, or maybe I’m just cranky.

All of this is to say that despite the cries that Hollywood operates at a bankrupt creative standstill, that cash grabs represent the new normal filled with remakes and reboots, and that cynical decisions only occur on days that end in “Y”, I don’t necessarily hate that Disney has decided to churn out “live action” versions of their classic animated films. As much as I loved the original 1994 The Lion King, a CGI, photorealistic update sounded like something I could watch without experiencing a cavalcade of onion tears. I may be alone with this strange affliction of mine, but audiences have sure turned up to see something they’ve pretty much seen before.

I enjoyed director Jon Favreau’s update on The Jungle Book, but my expectations were truly low for this one. Using Hamlet as its template, the original film beautifully told the tale of Simba, a young lion who when banished from his pride by his evil Uncle Scar, goes on a journey to discover the importance of standing firm for those you love and realizing your destiny. The Elton John/Tim Rice songs, while sappy as hell at times, could not be more memorable, and who can resist that commanding drum beat and cut to the title card at the very end of “The Circle Of Life”? When that baboon holds Simba up to his adoring animal kingdom, it’s one of the greatest cinematic moments of all time.

Yet there I sat, expecting the worst. Had I hated the film I was going to title my review, ”The Circle Of Lifelessness”. I expected a pointless remake with expressionless creatures moving their lips to dialogue, but what I experienced instead, while problematic in terms of pacing issues and one particularly not great vocal performance, truly entertained and delighted me. The Lion King 2.0: No More Tears (Enough Is Enough) not only provided me with a more palatable way to view the same story, but it updated it just enough to make it a little more relevant and a whole lot gayer.

Ok, if you’re one of those millions of moms who don’t have a gay child, or don’t know anyone with a gay child, or you’re just a closed-minded, out of touch gorgon, you need to calm down. The new film isn’t outwardly gay, but much like placing Paul Lynde dead center on Hollywood Squares or Charles Nelson Reilly in the top right tier on Match Game, The Lion King has traded in a perfectly wonderful and gay Nathan Lane as Timon the Meerkat for the truly hilarious, scene-stealing and equally gay Billy Eichner. It’s the equivalent of going from Will & Grace’s Jack to Bianca Del Rio of Rupaul’s Drag Race fame. The quips feel way more 2019 -more biting, nihilistic, dystopian, the world is ending, in a Years And Years is so dead-on kind of way! And yes, even though Timon and his BFF warthog friend Pumbaa (a perfect Seth Rogen) aren’t technically a ‘shipworthy couple we would call Timbaa, make no mistake, Timon is a gay homosexual and Eichner gives one of the best vocal performances I’ve heard in ages. Evidently, he improvised many of his lines, including my favorite as he arrives at a Pride Rock which has been left barren by Scar and his pack of hyenas, “Talk about a fixer-upper. I think you went heavy on the carcass.” I think Queer Eye’s Bobby Berk should start taking notes! All of this is to say that Eichner elevates what could have been the draggy second act of the film and sends it into the comedy stratosphere.

The pacing, at times, does suffer. Without the benefit of jaunty animation, watching animals traversing the savanna gets a little cumbersome, and the facial expressions of the characters don’t carry emotions in the same way. I actually preferred the new version. I had no problems deciphering their feelings, and, in fact, I found their edgier looks a better match for our current mood. It’s as if the animals, no longer living in a pre-9/11, pre-Trump world, know we humans have messed everything up and they’re deadly serious and seriously pissed off. Welcome to The Lion King 2.0: The Larry David Version!

As for the performances, Eichner and Rogen aside, we also get a strong turn from John Oliver as Zazu, the flittering hornbill. Chiwetel Ejiofor, while no Jeremy Irons, makes Scar a terrifying Iago, although his famous, “You have no idea” moment doesn’t work as well here since the original was a callback to Irons’ unforgettable line in his Oscar winning Reversal Of Fortune. James Earl Jones returns as Mufasa, because nobody can ever replace him. Do you hear me, Morgan Freeman? Nobody! Not even you! And you’re the Voice of God! Beyonce acquits herself quite well as Nala, as does Shahadi Wright Joseph as the younger version. Young Simba couldn’t be more adorable and heart-melting. Try not to go “Awww” when he attempts his first roar. JD MCrary exudes utter cuteness here, especially during his number, “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”, but then, unfortunately the movie flatlines when Donald Glover takes over as his grown-up counterpart. He sounds half asleep and fairly bland in the big duet, “Can You Feel The Love Tonight” or whenever reciting lines. I’m suspecting it’s an actor’s choice to internalize the guilt and shame Simba experienced as a toddler and turn into a self-serious, lumbering bore, but it’s not enough to sink a film with such fantastic moments as “Hakuna Matata” or the on-the-beat stomping we revel in during “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”.

Technically, the photorealism may resemble a National Geographic special, but with better lip-syncing, yet I did find myself missing the darker qualities of the glowing-eyed hyenas and the elephant graveyard from the original. The wildebeest stampede looks real, which somehow isn’t half as scary as a hand-drawn interpretation. We get more daylight in the new film, making me yearn for the inky blacks of animation. In either version, however, we enter quasi-religious Aslan territory when Simba speaks to his dead father in the clouds. That kind of corniness doesn’t quite land the way it did in the early 90s.

Despite its flaws, it’s a stirring, impressive film. It may not have the most urgent reason for existing in that it pretty much trades in one kind of beauty for another, but Billy Eichner is worth the price of admission alone. Timon may ping on the same old gay best friend character tropes we’ve known for so long, but it’s still a fresh take. He may yell a lot, but he infuses it with kindness and some genuine affection for his big, dopey friend Pumbaa. We could all use a little more Billy in our lives right now.

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