#or the fact that idk what normal emotions are between people bc i got told constantly i wasnt emoting enough.

[bonesandthebees]

glass time! after my fun not so lil but pretty short camp!

he warm

the way you deacrube thisngs GOD MY SPELLING SUCKS describe things is so good like the oil line is like idk it tickles my brain

wilbur would be a bad pillow probably you would have to get a good spot probably

gasp we must tell philza minecraft and technoblade.

wilbur is so *eyeballs him aggressively and just waves my hands around*

also like the switch from pythia to wilbur the moment he recalled he didn’t have his blindfold on is like aiwjhrwj

im still super convinced that there is no curse like everything points to the fact that the curse is literally not a thing and more of a scare tactic to keep up the pythias image but yk im tired sleep has not been plentiful

wilbur when he realzies his eyes have emotion and he’s just a silly guy who isbnot just an object 😨

blindfold on back to pythia pew pew pew

tommy is such a silly guy like look at him go telling thsibstory and defending my favorite lil guy wilbur

just saying if death is kristins realm wilbur i think you’re cool as a cucumber king but yk maybe im just mad confused all the time

which is also me most times

do we know what kind of bird is in his chest like metaphorically like idk i keep wondering even though that isn’t important what so ever

“Wilbur didn’t want Tommy to leave, but the Pythia knew he had to face the consequences of his actions at some point” THIS LINE IS SO COOL BECAUSE IT SHOWS THE SEPARATION WILBUR HAS FOR HIMSELF BETWEEN WHO HE WAS AND WHO JE HAS BEEN MADE TO BE LIKE DIRECTLY AND THAT HE LITERALLY HAS THESE TWO SEPARATE PARTS OF HIM AND IDK I THOUGHT IT WAS A NEAT LINE

he is telling him about to the visidosngjeekjdejejrthehtheht im a normal person

and then here is me sitting here with my vague tired rboughts about howb the visions arent to prevent the future bexause goyncant really change what the gods destined to be your fateb(presumably) sorry for the spelling errors life is rough anyway but yeah like the visions are to help prepare and i think he gets visions only about stuff that will directly affect him so like that’s why now that he is in the temple he doesn’t get visions about the palace or the government because that won’t concern him at this moment not how it would before sorry im rambling my brain sometimes just has thoughts

HE CALLED TOMMY HAI EBST FRIEND

hes so i love him like he’s so tiny in my brain just a lil guy whom i wish to put in my pocket

and he’s wilbur when he talks about the things he knows aboutbtommy and just when they do things that show they know each other well that others might not know butbthebpythia at other times and he’s so silly

so that vine tattoo is deffo from wilburs murder attempt right or maybe not sometimes im delulu

hes wilbur again

glad i know what machination means thanks ap lang

WOOO GOVERNMENT TAKE DOWN WOOOOO

i love that he’s just wilbur when he realizes that people care or that he has feelings or when he’s just human because he is and like the more he feels human the more he feels like wilbur and okay no more rambling s

anyways this chapter was nice im glad i finally got to sit down and read it you just always find a way to draw me in with this work like oh my god it’s so rheifjsjejsjdjd okay now i can go read what everyone has been saying!

- 🪿

thank you!! I was so happy with the whole oil metaphor throughout the chapter

ngl handshaking wilbur there I've been told by people that I'm a terrible pillow because I'm so bony.

:) so many pythia to wilbur switches this chapter

😨 <- wilbur's face fr

...actually the kind of bird is important. the bird gets talked about a lot in the next upcoming chapter :)

YEAHHH I'm being very careful with midsentence wilbur/pythia switches because I don't want to overuse them, but in the moments I can I think they hit really well

oooo a theory I can't comment on bc I don't comment on theories ooooo

lol the vine tattoo will be explained eventually

wilbur is when he feels the most human yes!!

thank you i'm so glad you enjoyed!!!

#ask #goose anon #glass ch 22

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Wednesday, December 27th, 2023

Why have the past few days been so hard I don't even understand. It's like I know all of the tools to help myself and heal, but like sleeping for example. I know I need to get enough sleep but I keep waking up extremely upset and it's ruining my mornings. I know I need to eat better but I barely have an appetite. I'm on my period and I absolutely fucking hate it. I think I may have some period-related distress disorder or something because this just can't be normal. I wish there was something I could take like an aspirin but instead of pain it would alleviate ridiculous mood swings. My period makes me feel so out of control of my body and so uncomfortable. I'm glad I have found a way to skip it for the most part, but then when I do have one it's 20x worse!!?? So either have it a quarter of the year being a nuisance or 4x a year but terrible?? Idk fml. I feel like a fucking teenager again which is 100% not my fucking speed. I am grown I want to act grown in so tired of bs people and bs situations and bs "how things should go" when it comes to social situations. I don't know how to fucking date anymore and I feel like so FUCKED UP from this past relationship. I'm so used to wringing myself dry, squeezing every drop of myself into someone just to get completely fucked over and forgotten about. I can't do that shit again. But if it's not 100%, what the fuck is it?? 10% 20% 50%? I can't imagine giving 50% of myself to someone I don't fucking know. Maybe like 5% haha. That's expendable, but is that enough to garner anything serious?? Or just a bunch of bs????? Help me please anyone 🙃

7:41am seriously coming to terms with how fucked up my last relationship was. And coming to terms with the fact that it has fucked me uP. I do need therapy tbh that would be an investment for me this year. Idc if it's through the school or not their wait-list is so stupid and long.

I want to be around more women this year, men are just making me lose my fucking mind.

7:21pm just got off of another last minute shift! I called him earlier until he finally picked up bc I can't understand his weird ass games. And weird ass games is 100% correct. He said he "silently cried" in public at his gfs parents house last night bc they kept playing songs that remind him of me.... Bro wtf... I literally don't know what to say to that shit. Then I confronted him about why he took me off everything so abruptly and he basically said that everyone else told him to. He just does whatever everyone else tells him to do, he's such a loser. Then he said that anytime his phone goes off, calls or texts, he gets anxious bc he thinks it's me calling him?? Apparently I make him so anxious now... bc he was the dumb one to get such a paranoid gf a week after we broke up, apparently I'm still the cause of numerous fights between them... Literally tho this is 100% NOT MY FAULT. YOU CANNOT BLAME ME FOR YOUR SHITTY BEHAVIOR. YOU CERTAINLY CANNOT BLAME ME FOR WANTING YOU AFTER YOU TELLING ME REPEATEDLY THAT YOU WANTED ME AND THAT YOU REGRETTED EVERYTHING. HE'S LITERALLY A FUCKING CRAZY NARCISSIST PUSSY BITCH.

I'm fully convinced that he's a narcissist now bc goddamn ALWAYS HE IS THE VICTIM!!!!! This shit is unbelievable!!!!! I don't ever see us getting back together bc like I said previously, the respect is GONE. On top of being an asshole, he literally has no fucking balls and just takes his fragile ego out on anyone he thinks he can treat like shit/ less than him. Goddamn I feel bad for that girl but on the other hand, she gets what she deserves !!! She can have your crazy ass I'm so glad I don't have to deal with this shit anymore!!!! It's like he's reverting backwards too, really acting like a brat ass teenager again, love triangles and generally NOT BEING A MAN AT ALL. Literally he acts like a child with no emotional regulation and it's sad af honestly. It's really just sad. That's why I cry. Not because I miss him, but bc I feel bad that he really is such a fuckup and I thought I could help him. I cry for my own grieving, overly kind heart that I gave to someone so fucking helpless. Beyond help at this point bc there's so many fucking people ENABLING HIS BEHAVIOR. I am literally outnumbered by stupid fucking idiots who think this shit is acceptable. I simply cannot. Good luck bro.

[rotshop]

help girl i just woke up and im already thinking abt mag s/o again. anyway please consider ;

[ tw body horror, some brief light gore and violence ]

[ note ; reader is SLIGHTLY described. the only thing mentioned is that they have a noticeable, identifying scar on their face

hank + mag s/o

-he knew you even before the boombox incident. he doesn't even really remember how you two first met, he just remembers that you started talking to him and then just kinda kept coming back. at first he wasn't the biggest fan of you since he was 'doing just fine on his own,' but...he admittedly was already really attached to you. they've never been much of a talker and that's especially noticeable to you at that point in time but ,,, they respond enough with signing, nodding / shaking their head, or the occasional speaking that you're able to carry some conversations pretty well.

-he doesn't really. have. a lot of people in his life. you're really his only real close friend, it's kinda hard for him to fully wrap his head around it so !! they chose not to, instead focusing more-so on whatever it was you were rambling to them about that day.

-not super sure of where to put this lmao but ummm ehe . he's actually surprisingly touchy with you????? like. you've hung out at his house a few times and he just like. you'll start out sitting next to each other and you'll end up either laying with your head on their chest or vice versa . its . a little funny . you tease him about it a little and he just flicks your shoulder. also traces your scar a lot if you'll let them, they're not entirely sure why they do it, they just . like asking you about it occasionally.

-also you have scary dog privileges. they might look like any other grunt at that point but they're still tall as fuck and idk man !! something abt getting a blank stare from someone who towers over u would probably make u shut up and mind ur own damn business.

-again, he's not super good at fully recognizing / acknowledging certain thoughts and feelings of his but . yknow. he can definitely tell he at least worries about you a lot more than he would some other grunt he just met. he can definitely tell there's a reason he doesn't mind you touching him, whether by grabbing his hand to go show him something or just placing a hand on his shoulder or arm (most likely arm, again. hes tall. ). they can definitely tell there's a reason that they find themself genuinely enjoying your interactions.

-after the park thing you don't see them for a long time. everytime you try and call him the lines dead, everytime you try and ask others about him you just get choice words, all in all you're pretty much lost on the entire thing. sure, you know what happened but . it just never sits right with you. it doesn't help whenever people ask questions about them or give you wary looks because of your association, half steps back when you take one forward.

-anyway. yeah nevada goes to shit and you get magnified for the aahw. by now you just. don't really talk about hank. surprisingly, you have a little more of your old memories than the average mag !! congrats. problem is they're all foggy enough that you only really distantly decipher them. lmao. you aren't super high on the ladder but you're a pretty tough mag to beat. you're well known enough that other mags tend to hang around you when there's not much else going on. v2 mags especially think it's fun to mess around with you by jumping on your back or otherwise clinging onto you . idk man u've got like . a little family here .

-at one point or another there's an outing youre on that ends up going wrong. you get split up from the rest of your unit and are forced to hide out in some old abandoned building while you wait for backup. you're a little too injured to try and walk all the way back, a heavy gash on your side preventing you from doing too much in the moment. when you hear heavy steps on concrete you're able to give some sort of noise of relief, turning your head to look over your shoulder at whichever agent in your group had finally found you-

-you're instead met with red goggles and the end of a gun.

-any kind of relief is snatched away, you know damn well who it is by just the bit you can see in the dark alone. even standing in the shade between two windows (one of which you were sitting by, probably how they seen you in the first place- if that's the case though, it's a little weird they hadn't just shot at you through it.) you knew it was him. you're already stumblingly forcing yourself up to as much of your full height as you can manage, taking some kind of defensive position even as one of your hands ghosts over your gash. the throbbing pain of it and the feeling of blood sticking and running down your skin is enough that you can't seem to focus on the fact that he won't stop staring at your face.

-it doesn't take long before your legs seem to fail you, forcing you forward a bit as you kneel in some sort of attempt to keep upright. you're too busy hissing under your breath and screwing your eyes shut in pain as your hand covers your side to notice your company stepping forwards. you're snapped back to attention when there's a hand on your face, fingertips digging into your skin as they yank your head down a little further. you know you should be grabbing him, that you should be digging your claws into his torso and ripping him clean in half, throwing whatevers left aside and leaving. you know thats what you were told to do, what you were told they deserved anyway. yet, you aren't. instead, you're just giving some warning growl as you stare at them. you notice how the end of the gun is pointed away from you, how their touch seems to outline the mark on your face.

-"If you try and hurt me, I'll kill you." That's the only real heads up you get before he's crouching down and shoving your hand out of the way, grabbing something from his pocket to get to work on you. you don't fail to notice how little attention they're paying to you (aside from the focus on your wound, of course), that you could just rush forward and slam them into the ground if you really wanted.

-ok im skippin g ahead bc this is already way too goddamn long for hcs DEJWJCS

-anyway. it's a complicated relationship for a while. the others tend to avoid you a little but he just keeps showing up around you. they keep staring at you and just hanging around in your general area. it's not that much of an irritant if you ignore all the weird emotions and thoughts it keeps bringing to the forefront of your mind, forcing you to once again try and meddle with your memories.

-eventually he just starts walking over to you and sitting down next to you. sometimes he doesn't say anything at all, just sitting there and seeming to wait for one thing another- he never seems to find whatever that is, as he always gets up and leaves without a word at some point or another. then they start talking, its just little things at first, point-blank statements you can't say much on. sometimes they're just saying they and the other three will be gone for a bit othertimes it's some half-demand to let them look at the stitches they did on you (semi-related, he's not good at them. the stitches are pretty rough. at one point or another sanford has to redo them properly lmao)

-but then there's one particular night. they do the normal thing, come over, sit down next to you, not say a word. this time though you note how they're facing you. instead of some reminder or a demand for anything, he's pulling his ask down and asking a simple question. 'What do you remember?'

-it's a long conversation. he's talking more than he normally would by a long shot, occasionally stopping whenever his words seem to especially fail him and get stuck in his throat. you don't even really remember moving around, or even him pulling you in any way, you just know you somehow end up laying next to him with your head on his chest.

-whenever the memories do seem to click into place, it's hard. you have a lot of choice words for them yourself, months of being left alone without a word bubbling up with a vengeance, they listen to them. while some mags (such as yourself) do have the ability to speak, the san and dei don't think they've ever heard one with that much emotion in their voice. they've especially never seen a mag just break down like you do, they're both tensing up a little from their far away spot when hank's walking closer to you. instead of you lashing out or swiping at him though, you just sit there while he wraps his arms around you (as best as he can at least, it's a little difficult but he's able to get them around your neck and reach his other hand behind you well enough). you're eventually doing the same to him, though it's more so just your hands resting on their back.

-it takes a good while for proper trust to be rebuilt along with an honest, proper explanation from hank that only you're privy to. eventually though, there's enough trust that you're able to hang around him again without narrowly avoiding an argument or anything. they don't like being super affectionate or 'vulnerable' in front of the other two, so most times they prefer being in your or their room. also they're still touchy lmao, doesn't help that you're mag sized now and so they just want to hold you . its hard to explain, he's never been super affected by others heights and even when he is it's usually a negative thing for him but . for some reason . he just likes being shorter / smaller than you lol ,,,,,,,, hope you like holding them a lot bc that's what you're gonna be doing

-holy shit these are long so . i think .i am going to stop here.

#hank j wimbleton x reader #madcom x reader #madness combat x reader #madcom imagines #madness combat imagines #rot writes #hank 'jmy s/o is twice my size and could turn me into a fine wine if they really wanted to and i love them for it' wimbleton

[mego42]

OK but!!! Come over here and randomly sink the 8 ball???? Can we talk about this???? Does rio not understand how the game of pool works??? Was he just hanging out playing against himself prior to this??? Is it a metaphor??? Is 8 the only number he knows???? THOUGHTS????

the fact that we open the scene with a center shot of beth, all bambi-eyes and openly???? letting him see???? her vulnerable????????

the fact that she still sees him as a lifeline and turns to him for help in spite of him being demonstrably useless literally every time she’s asked

the fact that he’s open to it and asks what she needs

aaaaaand then shuts her down when she says it’s for dean

but also is still giving her some p solid, if, you know, a touch sociopathic advice

and then the fact that said advice more or less amounts to please let your ~technical husband rot in jail crime wife

and yes, the fact that he is, apparently just hanging out! in his own bar! after hours! alone! playing pool with himself!

which sounds like it should be a euphemism tbh but no! it is entirely literal!

everyone involved in this show is a lunatic including all of us!

i love it!

literally wtf are you doing rio

i would like to point out he is losing to himself which is fucking hysterical

and also extremely apt, tbh

he climbs up the pool cue when he stands. why. to what purpose.

he told her to be smart before he murdered her co-worker and beth’s like, not even phased at all by that reference

i am teLlinG y’alL murder is their foreplay, the hitman thing’s gonna be fine

if anything he’s gonna be hurt she outsourced it

which, valid!!!!!!

why are his fingers so long why why WHY

every time he lines up and takes a shot i make this sort of garbled hairpin in a vacuum cleaner noise

i didn’t ask to be like this

and when he sees that the please let him rot please please please pitch is not helping beth’s stress level he pivots and like, actually tries to be comforting????????

but is also incredibly bad at it

remember when beth was like my husband took my children and rio was like that sucks, here’s an open tab byyyyyyeeeeee

he is not the best shoulder, is what i’m saying

and yet!! she keeps going to him anyway!!!!

he’s like SIVER LINING MAYBE YOU’LL WANT TO FUCK YOUR HUSBAND AGAIN AND BETH JUST STEAMROLLS RIGHT PAST THAT

it like doesn’t even register

fuck that guy? don’t be absurd crime husband

also like

who exactly might want to hit what again hmmmmmmm HMMMMMMMMMMM

i am just saying it feels like there are some layErs here

he is so satisfied when she points out nothing sticks to him i want to slap him i want to slap myself i want to slap everyone

i gOt lucK oN my siDe / mayBe yoU do tOo

smells like foreshadowing in here

also jumping back the way his smile s o f t e n s when he says maybe you do too

the urge to slap remains strong but now with a side of leave mE here tO diE

(bringing back @pynkhues​ tag meanderings bc it lives in my head now, is this rio’s way of saying he can protect her class please discuss)

and now we arrive at sink the eight ball

i know it’s ridiculous i know but i can’t help it they’re standing there with a the pool cue and the pool table and it’s all weird tangled intimacy that’s about to flip over into intense sexual tension and i am not coping well with this at all

i’m not okay

THE WAY HE PULLS THE CUE AWAY

AND THE WAY SHE’S LIKE THIS MOTHERFUCKER I STG

let beth boland unhinge her jaw and devour the world 2k21 she deserves it

idk what to tell you beth you like it

like let’s pause for a sec and examine the situation shall we? this ep provides some really interesting contrast between beth’s extremely different relationships with the men in her life.

1. we have dean who is, i would argue, shown throughout the ep to be a complete albatross of guilt and long expired, turned toxic gratitude dangling from a rapidly fraying thread called parenting. he’s furious with beth to the point of not wanting to see her while in prison, choosing to stay in prison to avoid coping with how thoroughly their house of cards is tumbling down and the reality of who beth is and who they are to each other that collapse is exposing. 2. we have fitzpatrick who repeatedly tramples her boundaries in a tunnel vision pursuit of the person he thinks she is and his fantasy of the relationship he could have with this person who doesn’t actually exist and we’ve seen how uncomfortable it makes beth to the point that she finally blows up at him, reasserting who she is and it, idk if i would say scares him, but it definitely turns him off. 3. and then we have rio who she is locked in a nightmare game of cat and mouse with, who she has convinced herself is the source of all of her problems and yet when push comes to shove is still the person that she turns to for guidance and support, who she has no objection to sharing physical space with (i hear rumors the pool scene reads wildly divide and yeah i can see how but i am firmly camp they are both experiencing some stupidly complicated emotional upheaval and that’s what that face is, y’all take it how you will), who is also the only person this ep to witness the single, genuine, uncomplicatedly happy glimpse of one elizabeth boland née marks (who can’t help but grin in response to her joy and honestly who wouldn’t she is so gd cUte before he rips the rug out from underneath her)

i got worked up and forgot where i was going with this

something about contrast

but also the like, comfort and familiarity and ease even when Extremely Annoyed

idk i just think it’s neat

let’s see what else happens

oh right they play """"""""""pool"""""""""""

wait no, we’re not there yet

first rio’s gotta do that big-eyed disney princess look he shoots beth’s way from time to time, 209 being the notable example that comes to mind

h E Lp

so now we’re at sinking the eight ball

yeah, no, he does not know how pool works

i’d say it’s embarrassing but what isn’t with them

SPEAKING OF EMBARRASSING

or maybe i mean inexplicable

i tried to be v hardcore on not letting myself speculate about the pool scene and how it would come to be so sexy bc speculation has only ever led to either disappointment or me getting really, really over the top competitive about it to the point where it isn’t even fun for me anymore (which is saying something) but i couldn’t help spinning out potential scenarios bc like why???? how????? the man is draped over her like a blanket and smELliNg heR haiR surely that doesn’t just happen??????

WHAT A FOOL I WAS

LITERALLY FOR NO REASON AT ALL RIO’S LIKE FUCK YOUR PERSONAL SPACE CRIME WIFE IT’S OUR PERSONAL SPACE

AND BETH’S JUST LIKE YEAH SURE CRIME HUSBAND THIS IS FINE AND NORMAL I HAVE NO FURTHER COMMENTARY

LIKE?????????????????????????????????????????

h An dS

hAn D S

H a nD s

anD theN hE smelLs heR hAir like a fuckiN lunAtic

i just

TO WHAT PURPOSE

SCIENCE P L E A S E E X P L A I N

i know we all like to argue until the cows come home over what specific flavor of sloppy the show is and then we argue with the cows but like

this didn’t happen out of nowhere

they’re setting something up

(they fuckin’)

(do not argue with me or my cows)

thE shoUldeR roLl

no thoughts just that

AND THEN SHE MAKES IT

(and everything b o u n c e s)

AND SHE’S SO CUTE????? MY WIFE???????? I LOVE HER????????????

no but literally when was the last time beth was that happy

it’s so pure

and it makes him lauGh toO

s Of t

and then rio’s like no but seriously fuck your husband let him rot in jail and beth’s facce falls and my heart breaks and everyone remembers everything is terrible bc they are absolutely inFURIATING nigHTMARE PEOPLE who caNNOT USE THEIR WORDs

what was the actual question here i don’t even remember

oh right why the eight ball

probs bc it color coordinated with both his and beth’s outfits bc he is A Heaux Like That

#this got entirely away from me #i am not sorry #I LIVE HERE NOW #beth x rio #nbc good girls #see the thing about the pool scene is there was no way i was going to be disappointed #and lo i was not #gg 4x03 #gg spoilers #i guess #long post #whoops

[jungxk]

// rant

i'm jus so heartbroken rn i've been crying for the past hour i jus need to put my feelings out there, i hope it's ok w you.

my mum wakes up today and jus starts berating me bc i didnt put washed dishes into the cabinets & the kitchen looked messy for her. i'm supposed to do it bc there's nothing else i actually do but yesterday i had woken up in the evening nd they called me to pray straight away so i totally forgot about it (coupled w the fact that i dont like doing it either cuz there's always sm dishes nd it's such a hassle). she jus started scolding me senseless nd im someone who doesnt get mad easily, even if i do i tend to stay quiet bc i dont like conflict & angry emotions are ugly. but i couldnt stop it today? she kept calling me selfish nd she's been calling me that the past few days as well bc i never help out w chores or anything. she's always asking me "what do u do for this family" or "what do u do in this house" every single time nd ofc i cant say shit bc i dont. i'm doing uni online nd it's really not that easy but bc i dont talk to my family like at all, they think i'm all good. the other day i pissed them off nd my parents straight up said "why do we need to pay for ur uni ure not doing anything anyway" & i jus... i didnt even know if i even deserve to feel sad over it. they were asking me what i wanna do after uni as if im not just in my first year & when i said im not sure they got so mad and my mum purposely said "just marry her off" to push my buttons into giving them an answer. they keep saying i'm pushing them into being the worst and saying the worst to me but how is that fair? they're parents? adults? i'm jus 20 & i can control my emotions? but today really jus pushed me she got so mad at me for the littlest things nd i jus exploded. I asked her why she's mad and she's like cuz of the kitchen bla bla bla nd it got so frustrating i told her it's not my problem nd i jus wont ever eat again since all the unwashed dishes piling is my fault. nd then she got mad at me for that and scolded me. I hate being touched but mostly i hate being hit. imagine getting hit at 20 years old bc my mother is too emotionally unstable that she cant take a few seconds by herself to calm her anger down. I hate it. nd bc i said it's not my problem she came nd told me "yea it won't be ur problem when i die too! i'll make sure when i do, u never come see me." jus... what kind of parent says that? i'm so careful w what i say & i slip sometimes bc i'm human but how can a mother say that? she doesnt know anything about me. she doesn't know i dont like being hit, she doesnt know i dont like it when ppl act impulsively on emotions. sometimes i feel like i really am the problem nd that i'm really selfish. spending shit ton of money to get me to study, maybe i am selfish. i dont mind it. i know myself well enough to hate things about myself. but to have parents who barely know me as a person rather than a daughter, getting this much mad at me for smthn so simple jus makes me so sad. bc i was doing the task when she asked. she does things like this then wonders why i cant ever talk to her. entire family thinks i'm immature bc i behave exactly how they treat me. 20 years. I never ask for much. but it's starting to feel like asking to study in the uk was my greatest downfall. it feels like i dont deserve this. every day i'm itching to get away, to live alone bc they've made me feel like i can never work well in groups. it's always somehow my fault as if they havent been invalidating me nd my feelings since birth.

nd i can never tell them all these bc i'm never confident in them. i'm never confident in whether i would be accepted nd comforted without ridicule or scolding. my brother & father tell me it's like that, that jus bc i may get a scolding shouldn't stop me from being open. but what kind of stupidity is that? my mother who makes me feel like the world is ending when i accidentally break smthn, that it wasn't an accident but rather it's me nd that i jus cant do a good job— where is the comfort i can ever find coming to her w a problem?

nd bc of that we're not close. bc of that she's closer to my cousins & everyone else really. they've never concerned themselves to talking about family issues w me but when i dont know, they shame me, saying i never bother to ask— how would i know when to ask? should they be telling me when there's smthn going on?

this makes the concept of family so repelling for me. there is inherently no reason to ever have a child that isnt selfish or self fulfilling. what they do as parents is to make them feel as important nd respected as they expect from the child. but it's never like that w south asians. emotions dont exist if ure the child nd apparently getting mad is a norm nd shouldn't stop u from being emotional w someone.

at times i tell myself that i should pay back every penny my parents spent on me. bc sometimes it feels like it's being used to make me act or feel a certain way. i dont wanna feel this way. theyre my parents, i know theyre good people. but i'm so hurt by the things going on nd the things from the past. my mother invalidates me sm. she more or less kinda blamed me for feeling useless and depressed last year. my brother was telling her to go easy on me nd she got so mad & frustrated bc she didnt know what she was doing wrong. "if she feels so useless why doesnt she do anything about it?" like that was such a golden chance for her to have comforted me nd i couldve opened up? but she ruined it nd hurt me again.

last year i lived w her alone nd my dad was in our home country. I was having some troubles w him gone but i dont call or text bc... it always felt like a drag. it never felt like a conversation nd the only time it did was when i complained to him about my mum. so much shit happened between my mum and i & this person advised me to jus write some of my feelings to her. so i wrote her a long letter nd i included saying how not having my dad was hard on me too. flash forward im in my home country & w my dad. i know nobody here bc i didnt grow up here. i'm doing online uni & basically have to stay indoors cuz of covid. she brings that letter up when she was to berate me nd it jus feels so uncomfortable for me? like ok my actions dont line up but i wrote that cuz i was looking for comfort nd understanding. if i knew it was going to be held against me, i would not have done it? "u said it was so hard for u without him, so what do u even do for him here now?"— what can i do? i'm just 20 nd the situation im in is not normal? i'm grateful to be w my dad again but what can i do? &it always freaking comes down to house chores. i try my best. when our maid doesnt come i do my best w my tasks. i know it's not enough but i jus... i dont even know. ig that part of me is selfish nd lazy.

it's so suffocating here. all my feelings are bottled up nd im so scared what that would do to me in the future. but at least i know i'm too selfish to ever spend the rest of my life w someone.

sorry for the long rant. i hope this didnt ruin ur mood or anything i jus need an outlet nd ur blog jus feels so comforting nd welcoming. thank u for listening to me nd my feelings. God bless u really kssjdjsj

i’m rlly sorry this is happening to you bby. idk what race u are but this sounds so much like that asian mentality where emotions are black and white and comfort in any way is out of the question. ur still rlly young tho so ur relationship with ur parents has room to improve i promise. i think it’s rlly important for u to move out whenever u can tho bc that’s what rlly improves the relationship. having said this i do think the way your mum talks to u/treats u is emotionally and mentally abusive so whether you want to uphold that tie with her in the future is ur choice i just rlly hope u get somewhere safe and away from ur family soon x

#answered

[jostenneil]

I recently read Balancing Toy and Cross Game because of you and I loved both! They were so good at depicting mundane life and packing emotion in subtle ways. Could you recommend some slice of life manga?

this makes me so happy, omg! 😭 i’m really glad you enjoyed them, i love the slice of life genre so much for how it’s used as a medium. i’m going to recommend some other titles here, but i think yamakawa aiji and mitsuru adachi’s other works are definitely worth checking out as well! 

sangatsu no lion (manga/anime) - this may be one of the more obvious recent choices within the genre, but i think it’s with very good reason! chica umino has the slice of life genre down to a science. the story primarily follows rei, a shogi prodigy who has recently started to live alone due to tensions he felt he was creating within his adoptive family. he’s very lonely and depressed due to what he felt was an invasive experience on his own part, so a lot of the narrative follows him being reached out to by other people and him learning to ask for help rather than keeping all of his struggles to himself. there’s a lot of complex emotions and trauma tied into the narrative, but they’re often depicted against very simple situational backdrops, so it feels like you’re walking through ordinary people’s lives but in a way that’s deeply relatable. i believe the anime is on netflix so that’s very convenient as well, and i think it does a beautiful job of conveying a lot of the imagery that’s so crucial to depicting the ideas contained within the story. i would definitely recommend chica umino’s other primary work, honey and clover, for similar reasons as well, but i recommended that in my shoujo recs post already so i won’t rehash that here

azumanga daioh (anime/manga) - i’m not sure how to describe this series. it follows a group of teenage girls (and a few of their teachers) as they navigate three years of high school. and that would sound like an at least semi-serious endeavor, except it isn’t really on the surface. the series operates as a progression of chronological one shots centered on different gags and nonsensical situations, and it makes for comedy that i think has remained pretty timeless despite the series being nearly two decades old. the anime is great, both the sub and dub are phenomenal, and the manga is written in the form of those comic strips you used to read as a kid on sundays. it’s just super simple, lightheartedly funny, and surprisingly heartfelt when it wants to be due to the relationships you see illustrated between the girls. i would recommend kiyohiko azuma’s other primary work, yostuba&!, for similarly lighthearted and funny material. also, these are some of my favorite scenes from the anime

ojamajo doremi (anime) - this falls more into the shoujo category, esp since the mcs are witches who navigate a witching world, but i think it operates by slice of life parameters because of the way the story is told. ojamajo has received a lot of praise for its timelessness due to the relatability of its multiple scenarios to people of all ages and backgrounds. most simply put, it starts as a show about a girl who accidentally becomes contracted to a witch and so becomes a witch-in-training herself. doremi gets into all sorts of ridiculous messes and has to solve them not just through use of her powers but also just per normal problem solving skills. there’s narratives about friendships, relationships with our family and our teachers, growing up, learning to accept different kinds of people, etc. and similarly to azumanga, tho it initially feels like a purely one shot set-up, the plot and development of the characters builds in a way that’s subtle but also pleasingly noticeable. it’s just super down to earth and kind and funny, and there’s even a movie that came out last year (i believe?) to celebrate the twentieth anniversary, which made its main characters be girls who had grown up watching ojamajo and were now seeking out their own adventures as they grew up. i think that’s really sweet

horimiya (manga/anime) - this is perfect to get into right now bc the anime just started airing! it follows a pair of students, hori and miyamura, who come to find out about each other living “double lives”. hori hides the fact that she goes home everyday to take care of her house and her brother bc her parents are always at work, and miyamura looks like an otaku bc of the way he dresses but is actually just a normal guy with some tattoos and piercings. they coincidentally cross paths one day and are made privy to each other’s “secret” lifestyles, so a friendship and eventually a romantic relationship strikes up between them. the nice thing about the manga is that not a lot of time is spent on getting them into the relationship. you actually see them as a couple for most of it, doing couple-y things, engaging in couple-y conversation, having couple-y squabbles. there’s also a cast of characters outside of these two who deal with their own day-to-day issues and such, so overall it’s a nice casual read about people and how they interact. i wouldn’t say it ever gets angsty (at least not that i’ve read so far) but it’s nonetheless very enjoyable for its straightforwardness and simplicity

bokura ga ita (manga/anime) - i haven’t watched this in a long time so my memories are somewhat hazy, but i think this features one of my favorite explorations of grief in a shoujo manga. it starts with nanami, a high school freshman who hopes to make new friends but is also put-off by the most popular boy in school, yano, bc of his superficial attitude. yano is actually still emotionally recovering from the death of his girlfriend the year prior. she died in a car accident and was with her ex-boyfriend at the time, so yano assumed she was cheating on him, and instead of properly processing the event, he pretends to act like he doesn’t care. he and nanami grow close over the course of the narrative, but there are a lot of levels to yano’s trauma and grief that keep them apart in various ways. it’s very much true to that era of romance manga in the sense of all of the ridiculous drama and love lines, but i think it’s really weighted because so much of that drama stems from real trauma and characters’ issues with depression, etc. if you loved nana or paradise kiss, i think you would enjoy it. also, if memory serves, i believe the anime covers only half of the story, prior to a major time skip 

i didn’t want to feature any repeats, so i’m going to direct you to my shounen recs post for some more stuff i love from the slice of life genre as well. in particular, i think silver spoon and sket dance are great for that (as is oofuri, but it’s also a sports series very detailed with its sports lore, so idk if you’d be interested in that). and while i haven’t read the following personally, these are some trusted recs that i’ve either been meaning to read or got from friends: mushishi, oyasumi punpun, barakamon, nichijou, beck. i hope this all helps! 

#sangatsu no lion #azumanga daioh #ojamajo doremi #horimiya #bokura ga ita #slice of life is fun bc it overlaps with a lot of genres #so you can consume a really broad range of content #i think (hope) that the specific recs i gave all have different appeals so i hope you end up enjoying any one of them! #mine:recs

[darkpoisonouslove]

I’m here again. Faragonda, Sky, Tecna, and Darcy, please xD

Hi again! XD Thanks for sending more!

Faragonda:

- How I feel about this character:

I love her! She is amazing! I love that she is very patient and warm but also won't let anyone hurt the people she loves. She's a badass. She can fight her own battles and has a strong will and resolve despite her kind attitude and her desire to solve things peacefully and I think that is a great combination of characteristics. I love that she's always there for her students and is super understanding. I think she's a great headmistress.

- All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Griffin. They know each other so well and understand and respect each other. Let's be real, that would be the perfect relationship.

Hagen. I have only seen the two minutes of interactions they had in "Secret of the Lost Kingdom" so you can pretty much blame @trashcankitty12 for that since it started from her fanfiction. I just realized a few days ago that they are the sunshine and raincloud trope and I kinda like that, though, it could've been done better.

Griselda. Idk, I've seen this and I think it would work as well. Honestly, I would be more sold if we'd seen more of their relationship but I guess we'll just... have to die. 😑

- My non-romantic OTP for this character:

Griffin. Like I said, I live for this friendship. They have so much history and not all of it is pretty but they are still as close as ever. I love the fact that they've had major crises in their friendship but they still managed to get over them and trust each other. And Faragonda is so supportive of Griffin, I can't. Not to mention that they're both super protective of each other.

- My unpopular opinion about this character:

I think Faragonda is more selfish than expected. What I mean with this is that she would totally sacrifice herself for the people she loves, just as well as she would sacrifice everyone else for the people she loves. This would make sense if you look at her past, too. She most certainly went through big rejection when she discovered she was a fairy. Not only from her family, but also from pretty much everyone else in her life. So the few people that stuck with her mean the world to her and she can't afford to lose them no matter what it means for anyone else. And Marion and Oritel's death only exacerbated that thought process.

- One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

I wish we'd learned more about her family and the time she thought she was a witch. I think that would've been really interesting and could have brought up some magical lore. Like, more about the fairies and witches and how  light and dark magic came to be (also, am I the only one who thinks we should have gotten more emphasis on Mirta and maybe seen a conversation between her and Faragonda since Mirta is the only one we know of who's been through the same thing Faragonda has?). I reaaaaaaally want to know how she handled that period. (Spoiler: I might have an idea about that and it might be morphing into a fanfic instead of the set of headcanons it was supposed to be.)

Sky:

- How I feel about this character:

Uh... Can I skip this question? 😅 Honestly, I don't really like him. He has some qualities that I like but just... No? I don't feel it.

- All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Honestly, I don't care about his romantic life. I would say Bloom, but they are the only canon ship that I really don't give a damn about.

- My non-romantic OTP for this character:

Brandon. As much as I hated their idea to switch identities in season 1, that's a sign for some strong friendship. You don't just do that with anyone and I like the fact that he's so close with someone who was supposed to be just a servant to him. We haven't seen anything about his life as a prince but I'm willing to bet he didn't have many real friends so it's good to see him have a genuine friendship.

- My unpopular opinion about this character:

I don't like his relationship with Bloom. I feel like they don't fucking communicate, like, at all! At least half, no, wait, at least 70% of their drama would've been avoided if they talked to each other and he trusted her to tell her shit. Imagine how much cooler it would have been if he'd told her that he was actually prince Sky and he was engaged but he likes her and doesn't want to be with Diaspro. And then Bloom could've sneaked on the Day of the Royals for support and because she wanted to see Diaspro and the two of them could've actually talked which would have provided an opportunity for character depth for Diaspro. Maybe she would get to tell Bloom why she loves Sky and Bloom would feel bad bc apparently Diaspro's feelings are genuine but they aren't reciprocated and we could have some quality drama there with Sky and Bloom both trying to let Diaspro down easily and after a period of adaptation they could have all been friends. Now i want to write this. *exasperated sigh*

- One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

Get some goddamn backstory! I know I say the same about all of the characters, but that's because they have the same flaw in getting no fucking backstory. How are we supposed to get this character when we have no idea why the hell they are like that? I feel like Sky could be a great character if they'd delved more into what makes him like that. Why did he feel the need to swap identities with Brendon? They said that he wanted to see what not being a royalty was like but why? Was he tired of being a prince and just wanted to be normal (in which case some backstory would have fit right in) or did he want to see how ordinary people get treated so that he could get them better for when he became a king? Just give me something about this character's life gdi!

Tecna:

- How I feel about this character:

Pretty meh tbh. She is so underdeveloped, it's painful. We don't know anything about her except that she's good with technology and smart. That doesn't make up an entire personality and it doesn't make her very relatable for me.

- All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Timmy. We get to see some emotional reactions from both of them when they're together and I like that. I just wish they'd done more with them even if in the context of their passion of technology. Just let them go on a super cute nerdy date where they go look for computer parts at a second-hand technology store or something. If they're only gonna have one characteristic, at least expand it to the point where it's believable that it's taken over their lives because they are so interested in it. There were so many possibilities.

- My non-romantic OTP for this character:

... Error 404: File not found. Honestly, her relationships with the others are so non-existent that I don't really... have anything for this category. Like, who is she closest to? I have no idea. I'm gonna say Musa, though, because: a) I think music and technology together can make some pretty cool things and b) Musa seems prone to hiding her emotions and Tecna is a bit detached from her own feelings so I feel like that could be a bonding point while they can also learn something from each other. (Man... I feel like exploring the possibilities now... Gdi! I have no time for that.)

- My unpopular opinion about this character:

I feel like Tecna's powers were very underestimated. And not just on a magical level. She is super smart and inventive and she should've been given a bigger role in a lot of the missions. Also, if any of the magical realms are anything like Earth, then Tecna could be super useful and vital to missions since everything is so technology-based. None of that was well utilized. None of it.

- One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

I wish she'd gotten her Enchantix differently. Faragonda said that to get Enchantix they had to sacrifice themselves for someone from their planet. Yet, Tecna sacrificed herself for Layla's planet and still got her Enchantix. Now technically, there might have been a Zenithian on Andros at the time, so in saving the planet Tecna saved that Zenithian as well but that is totally not what Faragonda meant there, I'm sorry. Also, if they'd gotten her to save someone from her own planet, we could have learned something more about her and her backstory. I think it would've been better.

Darcy:

-How I feel about this character:

She's my fave Trix! I've loved her since I was little. I love that Darcy is more collected and controlled than Icy and Stormy but she can be just as terrible when she's raging. I like that her composure doesn't make her more stable than they are and she can totally flip from calm to mad in 0.03 seconds. It makes her unpredictable and allows her to fit in with the temper of her besties while she also remains different from them. I love her powers! They're so cool and I wish we'd seen more of them. I'm sure they could've made something amazing if they had messed around with her power of illusions. Come to think of it that fits well with her character, too, since she isn't patient and calm but only gives the illusion of that.

- All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Riven. Look, I know that relationship was as unhealthy as it gets, but they looked cute gdi! In an AU maybe they could've been the perfect couple.

Maybe Flora a little bit. Don't ask me why, I don't know. I just remembered I had some thoughts on this but I can't quite piece it together yet. I think that could have some cool symbolism, though, because in a way Darcy's powers are the opposite of Flora's since plants need light to survive and Darcy's powers are... well, darkness. Also, nature doesn't pretend and Darcy's magic is literally focused on deception so...

- My non-romantic OTP for this character:

Icy and Stormy. They've had less than graceful moments in their friendship but they stuck together through it all and I actually like that. It gives them some depth (which, let's be real, they were very lacking of) and I appreciated it. I feel like I prefer her relationship with Stormy since they are more on equal ground while Icy separates herself as the leader of the trio (and the worst of them tbh).

- My unpopular opinion about this character:

I think Darcy is actually a lot like Musa but their approach to feelings is different. Musa will erupt when she reaches her boiling point while Darcy is more calculating in that regard and is more likely to hide her feelings if she's after something that exploding will get in the way of. So basically, you could say Musa is more genuine while Darcy is more for pretense in the name of her goal. Musa's feelings find outlet in the harmony of her music while Darcy's cause chaos and it's an interesting opposition to work with, especially considering that sometimes their reactions can overlap. I can see how Riven can be confused as to which one of them would be better for him.

- One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

I wish we'd gotten some backstory. What was her life like that it made her want universl domination? How did she meet Icy and Stormy and how did they become friends, considering that neither of them are exactly open to bonding? How are they connected to the Ancestral Wicthes (I mean, they can't be direct descendants so what is up with that) and how did  they get their hands on the Whisperian Crystals (also, where the hell did the Crystals go after season 1)? So many questions and no answers.

This was so fun! I got so many new thoughts! So... Ask box is still open! 😁

#winx club #winx faragonda #winx sky #winx tecna #winx darcy #character opinions #meta #ask #her-majesty-wears-jeans

[jawnjendes]

it came back for more | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth gf

AN: let me know if i should give the goth gf a name bc like,,,,,,,,,,, idk just let me know,, also does anyone actually like this series lmao

masterlist | series playlist

"You're leaving me?" Shawn asked in mock disbelief.

I knew he was joking, but the fact that he said it as we were walking through campus, in the view of many passing students was a little embarrassing. There was just no getting used to that, like he couldn’t get used to my emotional distance sometimes. I just kept my eyes on the ground and continued walking next to him. No hand holding today. Doesn’t mean I don’t adore him any less.

"I made plans with Stella weeks ago," I told him. "We already bought tickets."

Shawn smiled, letting go of his pretend hurt. "It's cool. I understand, and I hope you have fun."

"Shit, me too. I feel like this movie is going to destroy me."

Yes, this is about the most anticipated movie of the year. Yes, I was more hyped than I have been in months. No, there will not be any spoilers.

"You're welcome to tag along," I added. "I mean, if there's still seats available at the theatre."

He shrugged off the invite, which I knew he would do. Shawn wasn't into this particular franchise, claiming he was tired of this type of movie. Can't say I blame him, plenty of people felt the same way. It was just hard to ramble at him about it because he didn't know jack shit. That was why I was going to the movie with Stella.

"I'll just stay home and watch Grey's without you." He smirked.

"First of all, that's mean and I would never do that to you. Secondly, Grey's comes back next week!"

"Oh yeah."

“Besides,” I added, “I’m gonna spend the night at your place anyway. Just like every Thursday.”

“Yeah, but instead of twenty four uninterrupted hours, we’ll get…” Shawn counted on his fingers. “...Less than that?”

We made it back to my dorm to find Stella lying facedown on the couch. Shawn and I shared a look as we entered the vicinity. Not that this wasn’t unusual, it was just hard to pinpoint her reasoning for this. I mean, I shouldn’t talk. Sometimes I lie on the floor without explanation wherever I please. Stella was used to that, but Shawn would ask if I “wanted to talk” or something.

"Did you get spoiled?" I asked her.

"No," she replied, her voice muffled by the cushions. "I'm trying to kill time. There's five hours left before the movie!"

I sighed and went to sit on her legs. "I know. I made Shawn take my phone because I don't wanna go online and see something I don't wanna see."

Stella picked her head up. "That's a good idea." She reached for her phone on the table, extending her arm towards my boyfriend. "Can you take mine too?"

Shawn chuckled, back and forth between the two of us. But he took Stella's phone. "You're both crazy."

"And what about it?" I said back. Then I reached for his hand. "Anyway, I need you to keep me busy for at least three hours." I smiled and batted my lashes in an exaggerated manner.

"Only three hours?" he replied with a cheeky grin as he took my hand and got me to my feet again.

"Ugh!" Stella interjected as she rolled off the couch. "I'm going to the library! And I'm leaving my phone so I don't go online! If I'm not back before we have to leave, just assume I killed myself because I got spoiled!"

"That's valid," I told her, "but I like you better alive."

~

Two of the three hours went by before Shawn practically tired himself out. He tapped out and rolled onto his back, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I couldn’t blame him for pulling out (in every aspect) because it was close to finals season. Tensions were rising, he was finally feeling the consequences of missing assignments and poor exam grades. I knew that because I was going through the same thing. The semester was going to be over in a month, then I would be going back to California.

And Shawn was coming with me… for a week.

It got awfully cramped on my single size bed by the time Shawn was out like a light, so I got up and decided to get ready. I got dressed in the appropriate attire for this movie, a black t-shirt with the franchise logo and black leggings. Then I grabbed my makeup bag and sat down on the floor in front of my mirror. Halfway through my routine, Shawn awoke with a start.

"I'm up! Let's go again!" he said, sitting up.

I looked at him through the mirror, still blending concealer under my eyes with a sponge. "You're like, twenty minutes too late, my dear. I'm already getting ready."

He rubbed his eyes and yawned, nodding in response. "Okay…"

As he lied down again, I couldn't help but smile. Shawn was really fucking cute, and he had no right to be. I don't want to sound like that girl, because I’m rarely that girl, but how was I expected to spend three whole hours away from him tonight? Thursdays were usually our night, since neither of us worked or had class after four o'clock. I mean, nothing was going to stop me from going to this movie, let alone a cute guy with curly hair and a charming smile. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t miss him.

"You're still welcome to join us," I told him from where I was sitting.

"You really want me to go, eh?" he replied, shifting to his side so he was looking at me.

"I'm just saying, it's probably the only time you'll see me cry."

Shawn picked his head up, eyes wide. "Seriously?"

Between the two of us, he was the crier. Are we surprised at this point? I had my exceptions, like watching a new movie I was very passionate about, or when my chronic GI issues would flare up and give me a panic attack. However, I haven't gotten sick in a while, so technically only one thing was going to make me weep.

"Well," Shawn spoke after a while, "guess I'm going."

~

I knew I was expecting tear jerkers, but I still sported my inner and outer wings to the movie. Half of it smudged onto my eyelids and half was under my eyes. On top of that, I got a dehydration headache, because I refused to drink water during a three hour long movie. I did eat popcorn, even though it was well after the time I cut off food for the day. That sounds concerning, but it's a thing I go through. If I eat after 8PM I will spend the night barfing.

Shawn, Stella, and I left the theatre practically buzzing. The mood of the film and the other moviegoers kept our spirits high, despite the fact that Stella and I had visible mascara tracks on our faces. I cried at things you wouldn’t normally cry at in a movie, like when your favorite character breathes, or makes a dramatic entrance.

"Okay," Shawn said, "that was actually a really good movie."

"Good enough to convert into a stan?" I asked, holding his hand.

"Mm, probably not."

I quickly let go of his hand. "Fine."

Walking towards the parking lot was when I started to feel something. My abdomen felt a little sore, and it made me slow down my steps a little bit. I placed my hand on my stomach; It wasn’t excruciating, but it was noticeable.

"You okay, honey?" Shawn asked, looking at me.

I nodded quickly and got back into step with him. However, the soreness was persisting by the time we got back to my car. I unlocked the doors to let Stella and Shawn in, but I stood where I was and focused on this pain. Maybe I cried too hard at the movie. Maybe the popcorn I had was giving me a warning.

Either way, there go my late night plans.

"So, I don't think I should stay at your place tonight," I told Shawn when I got in the car.

"Aw, why?" he asked.

"My stomach is, uh, acting up a little. Not feeling too good."

"You're gonna let your stomach stop you?" Stella piped up from the backseat. She wasn't one to normally say things like that. She knew how serious I got when I got sick.

I looked at her through the rear view mirror. "You got plans tonight?"

She picked at her nails and stayed quiet for a minute. "I have a friend visiting."

"Just stay at mine anyway," Shawn said to me. "I have the tea you like, and medicine, and a shit ton of blankets to keep you cozy. I'll be there to take care of you."

"I don't know, I wouldn’t wanna put that on you."

"I really don't mind."

We’ve been together five and a half months. In those months, I have gotten flare ups a handful of times, and all of those times had to do with trying new foods that ended up disagreeing with me. Each time I was with Shawn, and I had to tell him to leave me to deal with my illness. He did so, reluctantly. He really wanted to nurse me back to health, though.

Sickness is just so ugly. I didn't want to burden him with my physically unstable ass sleeping on the bathroom floor. I didn't want him to hear me puking in his bathroom. We just got to a place where things were Love sick, not Sick sick. Everything was so soft and sweet between us. For once nothing was grey, it was soft blend of black and pink. I didn’t want to taint it with my stupid gastrointestinal crap.

On the other hand, Stella is my roommate. She offers to look after me when I get sick, to which I always say no. I know how to handle it. Still, she goes to the extent of cancelling plans and breaking dates just in case I needed help. She was my safe person when went out. She was the extrovert who wanted and deserved to have a good time.

I had to stop by campus to drop Stella off, anyway. She got out of the car, reminding me once again that she'll have somebody over very soon.

Shawn turned to me once we were alone. "Please stay with me tonight."

"I don't need you to deal with my sickness," I said firmly. "It's nothing personal-"

"Okay, stop for a second," he told me. Then he placed his hand on the shoulder of my seat. "I know you know how to handle yourself when you get sick. It's like, a plan you've had to make and adjust over time, and you know it like the back of your hand. I get that, you know how to take care of yourself. I just don't want you to do this plan alone."

"I won't be alone, I have Stella." By that I mean, she's on standby only if things go really wrong... which is never. I’m not that sick.

This time, though… I’ve only felt actual pain one time before this.

Shawn gave me a look. "She's gonna be busy tonight. She wants to be busy tonight."

We stared at each other for a while. My stomach was flipping for reasons unrelated to illness. My boyfriend had stupidly kind, gentle intentions, and stupidly pretty eyes. He also had a very comfy bed.

I sighed. "Fine."

~

After some tea and rest, I felt a little better. I felt good enough to hop into bed with my boyfriend for about twenty minutes. It was fine until he was on top of me...

"Fuck, I'm sorry," Shawn frantically said, moving off of me. "Oh god, I'm so sorry."

My face was scrunched with pain, and I tried to control my breathing. The soreness from earlier turned into a sharp pain in my abdomen that made me push Shawn away from me. It was kind of a mood killer to say the least, since it made him panic.

"Are you okay?" he asked, voice trembling. "How bad is it? What do you need?"

"Shh!" It wasn't intended to sound mean, but I was trying to focus on what my body was doing.

I struggled to sit up, so Shawn held my lower back to support me. He kept asking questions, but I was rapidly tuning him out. The pain didn't get any better or worse, but I was feeling something in my guts. I got up and dashed into the bathroom.

We're going to get just a little TMI. I wanted use the bathroom, but my bowels weren't having it. Then, I wanted to puke but my stomach wasn't having it. I didn't know what to do, so I just stayed on the floor in front of the toilet and let my body try to figure things out for itself.

I shouldn't have had popcorn at the movies. Sure, popcorn is light on the stomach, but Stella wanted extra butter, and I hadn’t eaten for hours. I knew what I was getting myself into, and now I was paying for it. Add popcorn to the list of foods that were now forever tainted with a bad memory.

Shawn came knocking on the door, his voice full of concern. "Honey, are you okay? Can I come in?"

I didn’t say anything but he let himself in anyway. He sat next to me on the floor, next to where I was leaning over the toilet. Delicately, he moved my hair from my face and held it back.

"I don't think I'm gonna puke," I told him, resting my forehead on the seat. My mouth was watering inexplicably, and I felt a tingle in my feet.

"Okay, then let's get you back to bed," he said gently, placing his hands on my waist to help me up.

Then, I actually puked. Yup, no more popcorn for me.

~

It goes without saying that I was up for most of the night. I only threw up that one time, but I felt nauseous until the sun peeked through the window. Not only that, I always got a bout of anxiety whenever things with my stomach got bad, and it intensified knowing that I wasn’t home at my dorm. I wasn’t in the comfort of my squeaky single size bed. I didn’t have my phone charging next to me here because the only other outlet was on the other side of the room. I felt so out of place and I wanted to run, but I knew I couldn’t because traveling would only upset my stomach more.

Shawn fell asleep when I reassured him that I wouldn’t spend anymore time in the bathroom. He was on his side facing me practically the whole night. When I felt okay enough to lay down, I put one of the extra pillows between us and faced away from him. He started stirring by the time I was finally sleepy.

When I woke up in the late afternoon, I was just grateful I didn’t have class on Fridays. I couldn’t get up even if I wanted to.

I rolled onto my back, only to find that I was alone. I rubbed my eyes, then quickly remembered that I fell asleep with smudged eyeliner, and I just made it worse. I sighed and looked out the window from where I lied. It had gotten cloudy throughout the day. Thank god, today was not a sunshine kinda day for me.

If only I had the energy to get off my ass and go back home where I wanted to be.

My eyes blankly stared at the ceiling. Whatever spirit I had left in me was slowly floating away. My incorporeal being was rising out of my physical being, until voices outside the bedroom caused me to come back to earth.

“Oh, let me just see her! Maybe I can help!”

A woman. I slowly moved onto my side, curling up under the blanket and trying to focus on the window. Then, I heard Shawn’s voice.

“No! Ah - I mean…” He was suddenly outside the door. “Let me see if she’s awake.”

Shit.

The door opened, but I didn’t move from my position. Shawn came up in my peripherals, and then he sat down on the empty side of the bed. His eyes met mine, and he smiled.

“Hey, you. How ya feeling?”

I blinked. “Tired… Not sick. Just tired.”

“As long as you’re not sick.” He brought a hand up to my head and stroked my hair. “Listen, my mom is here.”

“Why?” Seemingly innocent question, but it did make me feel some kinda way, and it certainly sounded like it.

“She comes every so often,” Shawn explained. “She’ll clean and do my laundry.”

Must be nice.

“I told her you were here,” he continued. “I told her you were sick, and she just wants to check on you.”

We had talked about me meeting his family. I joked about wearing a high ponytail with a pink scrunchie the way Meredith did in Grey’s Anatomy. Shawn replied by saying I’d be wearing a black scrunchie, duh. Clearly, it wasn’t supposed to be like this, the day after a particularly nasty flare up. I was severely unprepared and it was a couple of months too early. But how the hell am I supposed to turn his mother away when she was already here?

“I’ll go out there,” I told him. “Let me just wash my face first.”

Shawn looked pleasantly surprised. “Okay, great. We’ll be in the living room.” He kissed my forehead and got to his feet.

As I pushed myself out of bed, I noticed the persisting pain in my abdomen yet again. Not as bad as last night, but it was still there. I already knew how to handle this.

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #fourtristattoosspring #shawn x goth gf #i think everything after this is gonna be posted in chronological order #no more out of order chapter updates lmfao #god i hope ppl like this series #im feeling inadequate and sensitive sry

[cuddleslutloki]

I have a genuine question. How often do you actually deal with antis? I've been following you for a bit now and it seems every so often you bring up antis. I've certainly kept my interest about thorki shut and locked away in a box from my friends for the simple fact that all of them think it's incest. It's not an easy topic of conversation but you just seem to handle all the antis so well? Also on an off note about beast!Thor, his favorite pass time must just be rutting into Loki 24/7 🤔

when someone tells you that you're romanticizing abuse [bc i made a stockholm moodboard for a fic] I don't know what I'm supposed to say other than I don't condone it but I write about it? Is writing about abusive relationships bad in writing??? you're the only person i ask for advice so thank you for anything in advance

i’m honestly really glad you came to me. i really do like discussing this topic in this kind of way bc i’ll never reblog an anti or answer an anti ask. even if you’re arguing against them, i don’t think it’s worth it to argue against them if it means also spreading what they’re saying

the basic premise of all anti behavior and ideology is censorship. that’s all it is. 

“i don’t like this topic, you need to stop writing it and making art for it. if you don’t stop there will be consequences.”

that is censorship and that is the kind of shit fandom has had to fight ever since there’s been fandom. women, poc, lgbt+ folks have been dealing with people telling us what we can and can’t write and enjoy for... well, probably forever. but we’re still here, creating the kind of content we want to see and indulge in.

as far as how to deal with antis, my advice is to ignore, ignore, ignore. they want what any bully wants: attention

you stop paying attention, you stop giving them time they don’t deserve from you, they’ll die off. there’s no point in fighting them directly. produce the content you want to see and enjoy what you want to enjoy. drown them out. you don’t owe them a response just because they come to you. they don’t have any qualms about being rude to you, so be rude back and just ignore them. i love blocking antis, personally. take out the garbage, y’know?

antis use the words ship and support as synonyms because they think that shipping is some radical call to action for lgbt rep instead of entertainment

shipping is not activism. shipping is about entertainment and enjoyment, nothing more

so this is why i have this very blasé attitude about antis. i just don’t give a fuck about them beyond making posts trashing their idiocy. because that’s what it is. it’s idiocy, but going deeper it’s puritanism at its finest. antis use fox news scare tactic logic under the guise of some pseudo feminist agenda because they don’t understand and don’t want to understand that enjoying dark fiction as entertainment isn’t equivalent to some greater moral stance

they use the same argument about shipping and fanfiction that WASP moms use against video games and loud music: that enjoying and consuming it will make you think it’s normal and there’s nothing wrong with it irl

okay, well, vlad the impaler never played CoD or far cry and caligula never watched hentai but we know why i’m bringing them up in this context without even heading over to wikipedia, don’t we?

they use the words abuse and pedophilia waaaaaayy too liberally and they’re doing more harm than good because they’re twisting and warping words that should have very specific meanings by using them so goddamn vaguely and irresponsibly 

my own personal theory is that these people are terrified that if they don’t yell in opposition to these topics 24/7 and actively attack content creators that they’d probably enjoy it, and they’ve been so programmed by the echo chamber of tumblr and twitter that they think this means they’re bad people. 

spoiler alert: that’s not what it means

i literally watched a circle jerk on twitter where screenshots of some mafia starker au got tweeted and retweeted w/ pictures of someone pouring bleach into cereal and people had asked to see more of the post. if you really don’t like something, you shouldn’t hate-read about it. it’s not productive, it does more harm than good if that’s the actual issue rather than some reverse psychology-style enjoyment they’re probably getting out of it.

they claim to hate this shit so much, but they’re reading hundreds and thousands of words and putting these images in their heads of their own free will. i don’t do that with shit i genuinely dislike. i avoid it.

i see antis say they enjoy thorki fanart because they think it’s cute, then they see it’s tagged thorki and they have an over the top reaction because the nature of anti ideology states you should never enjoy something like that, so if you do then you have to make the excuse of ignorance to prove that you’re still innocent and pure. enjoyment is apologism to them because they aren’t content to simply attack fan creators, they want to try and drive away the people who consume our art as well because they know you’re the cornerstone of fandom. consumers are why creators create. yeah, i write because i enjoy it, but i also write to connect to my readers and have people commenting on my fics when they like them.

it’s also worth noting that antis only ever talk about shipping. they only talk about sexual and romantic ships. i’ve never seen an anti talk about (often extreme) levels of violence in canon source material for the ships and characters they want to froth at the mouth over. 

seeing someone bleed out and choking on their own blood after being stabbed or shot or bludgeoned? meh

seeing a character who was once a child have a sexual thought about a character who was also once a child and is also their close friend? omg why are we trying to make fandom unsafe for people?

personally, i’ve also noticed that fandoms with darker canon material tend to have more chill fandoms most of the time. i think it also depends on the average age in a given fandom. there’s a major difference between fannibals and steven universe fans, let’s just say that.

creating a moodboard for a dark fic is not “romanticizing abuse” and at this point antis honestly have no fucking idea what that phrase is. they use those words the way a bored CEO uses social media buzzwords and hashtags in a staff meeting

if antis want to see true romanticizing of abuse then they can go to serial killer thirst tags and spot the fucking differences between shippers and people who forget that ted bundy was weak, flaccid, cowardly piece of shit

writing something dark or violent or whatever else and condoning the act or doing the act are different. this is why stephen king isn’t under government surveillance or in prison.

make no mistake, this anti shit only applies to fandom. they’re attacking creators here because creators out at the professional levels don’t give a fuck. they’ve tried, and they’ve failed. 

creators at the professional level understand something antis don’t: that being able to reconcile your enjoyment of dark media can be a sign of emotional intelligence and good emotional health. it’s cathartic. it’s allowed to be cathartic.

the most common consumers of dark fiction are members of minority communities and people who’ve been emotionally and/or sexually repressed for one reason or another. 

antis want to say that fiction doesn’t exist in a vacuum and they are 100% correct! because writing fanfiction and original fiction that relates to parts of my life that nearly killed me gives me control over something that was beyond me in the original context. writing about fucked up codependent, violent romance allows me to process my shit in a way that’s healthy and produces something fun and enjoyable.

my therapist knows i ship thorki, she knows i write thorki. i’ve had her read pieces of fanfiction i’ve written in addition to pieces of original fiction. y’know what she said? “wow, baylen, that’s vivid. you have a way with words!”

i read her a line out of smart boy and told her what the story was about and this trained professional said “well it’s a productive way to process some emotion that you clearly need to let out”

but you know what? if someone doesn’t have the trauma i have? let them write it, too! let them create and enjoy the fictional content they want! more cake, y’all!

finally getting around to one of the first parts of your ask, lol. thorki is incest. thor and loki are brothers. they were raised believing they were blood brothers, even. loki being adopted doesn’t change a thousand years of personal history where thor looked at loki and thought that they came out of the same woman, y’know? 

that’s his brother and in the comics his attachment to loki is even more intense. the mcu nerfed that shit. loki’s life has been intrinsically tied to thor’s ability to feel a full sense of joy. 

enjoying an incest ship isn’t some sign of moral depravity. writing abusive relationships isn’t bad. gone girl was made into an award winning movie. art should look like life, and sometimes life fucking sucks. dark stories, sad stories, fucked up holy shit idk if i can go to sleep after i read this stories exist for a reason. we need them. we have to have an outlet for our frustration, our anger, and especially our fear.

so which is the healthier option of these

to write up a piece of fanfiction where two siblings are in love in a way that might be cute and soft or might be destructive, depending on your mood?

or

attacking strangers you don’t know online and threatening violence against anyone who doesn’t think like you do?

i know what kind of person i want to be.

ship and let ship, thanks for reading my doctoral thesis office hours are always

#anon #baylen chats

[aro-aizawa]

Tell us about your AUs!! I’m curious!!

!!!!! an interested person???? hi anon i love you know that i would die for you without hesitation. bless you for letting me gush over my aus. this might be a lil messy (and long holy shit) considering im answering from my phone but from memory here are my aus (which i aint gonna lie are mostly either angst, hurt/comfort or canon divergent, or a mix of the three) in no particular order:

edit: now that im on computer it’s all under the cut but here’s a quick table of contents:

the one where hisashi is a pro hero

the one where hisashi is a villain

underground gladiator arena kidnap fic

the one where aizawa is inko’s brother

MUTE TODOROKI

izuku is related to all for one

gamer au

the one where uraraka is the protag instead

hp au

disney aus galore

the Spite™️ fic

the one where hisashi is a pro hero

heads up in literally none of my aus is midoriya hisashi a good parent. i mean in canon we know exactly three details about him being his name, his quirk and that he works abroad. that’s it. so, i don’t really like “good parent hisashi”. this au is basically ‘hey what if izuku got a fire quirk from his dad’ combined with my own personal views on fire, and then also deciding ‘wait what if hisashi and endevor did the same shit’. so it’s basically an au where izuku is in the same situation as todoroki.

it’s….kind of complicated now that it’s written down. in my head its p straight forwards?? anyways, basically my view on fire is that it absolutely shouldn’t be demonized as much as it is. because without fire, life couldn’t exist. it’s warmth and life and beauty. i just…think that view of it is perfect for izuku, and i always wanted to try my hand at fire quirk izuku.

also one of my few aus that’s actually gonna have a ship focus?? in that it’s tododeku but honestly knowing me i might end up accidentally dropping that aspect of it like i tend to do a LOT bc of my inability to write crushes (im an aro who’s never had a crush so me writing romance is…awkward at best lol)

the one where hisashi is a villain

i have……admittedly a lot of versions of this au. it’s by far one of my favourites to think about, for several reasons actually, mostly bc of angst but also because the hurt/comfort potential there is incredible.

my most current version of this au though plays with the idea that in the mha society those with ‘villainous’ quirks get discrimated against and pushed so the only chance they do have to survive is to turn to villainy. in this au i play with hisashi and inko’s quirks a little to make them more villainous and easier to discriminate against, for example hisashi can cremate anything he touches into ashes at will, and inko can minorly manipulate the limbs of other people although she’s mainly limited to pulling them towards her or pushing them back.

in this version, izuku is quirkless and still goes through ua determined to change the way that society works and right the wrongs in how it’s set up while also proving that quirkless people aren’t useless. a lot of dadzawa in this one because it is my w e a k n e s s. there’s a few other elements thrown in there, but overall that’s the basic jist of it.

underground gladiator arena kidnap fic

one of my darker aus where a group of villains kidnap kids who took the ua exam to create an “everything goes” fight club that customers can watch and occasionally participate in.

my general idea for this was “the sports festival is pretty brutal when you think about it. it’s almost like everything but killing goes” and then i thought that in a superpowered society there is no way there isn’t any kind of underground fight club where people can go full out w their quirks.

hence this au was born! the kids who’re kidnapped w izuku have been constantly changing over the ladt year or so that i’ve had this idea but rn i decided on having shinsou, kaminari, mina, tokoyami and yaoyorozu w him. the rest would be filled w ocs bc the villains weren’t dumb enough to kidnap all of the heroics students, just a handful.

bearing in mind the kids are all taken a couple days after the entrance exam so they’re not familiar with each other and izuku is the only one familiar w a pro hero and that’s a secret. not to mention he’s only used his quirk once at this point, and he has no access to recovery girl’s quirk so he has to figure smth out IMMEDIATELY or he’s completely fucked.

the one where aizawa is inko’s brother

look if you inspect my aus carefully you’ll see a theme and that theme is i fucking love aizawa. anyways, in this one izuku has a pretty powerful nullification quirk and is trained by aizawa. aizawa and inko have like an eight or ten year age difference, so they weren’t all that close until inko reached out when izuku was eight.

i’ll admit this is one of my lesser developed aus but it’s canon divergent with a focus on izuku hoping to be an underground hero. and due to his quirk and that aspect of his personality, it kind of changes a lot of things??? potentially a short(ish) au if i ever got round to writing it out. maybs about 20k-30k words idk.

(this is mostly born bc i feel like people forget that there’s only a fifteen year age difference between aizawa and izuku for a number of reasons. also bc inko/aizawa….is kind of weird in my mind. definitely not a fan :///)

MUTE TODOROKI

look i fucking love mute aus okay, but when i was trying to apply it to the mha universe i started thinking “holy shit todoroki could definitely be mute” or smth and ever since this au is close to my heart.

basically when poor rei burned lil shouto, she mentally scarred him into mutism. ever since the kettle incident, shouto can’t speak a word. endeavor is told by the doctor that although nothing physically is wrong, shouto is mute. endeavor is a DICK and p much decides he’ll just wait it out for shouto to finally talk bc he’s just being childish (basically he’s ablist and doesn’t let todoroki learn sign. which is bullshit but doesn’t majorly effect him bc he’s homeschooled until high school anyway).

it’s sort of canon divergent but also maybe a complete au??? in that there’s no league of villains. when all might fought afo the first time he succeeded in putting a stop to the villain and killing him. izuku still gets ofa, but he’s not the protag of the story, this time it’s todoroki.

anyways, ua sees that todoroki is mute (which isn’t registered and completely unknown to the general public) and doesn’t know sign language (resorting to notes and/or charades if he needs to communicate something), and decides to investigate that shit.

endeavor eventually gets what he deserves bc the trash bag can go rot in hell, and that’s p much all i got aside from the class realising FAST they need to adopt and love todoroki so there’s a lot of wholesome bonding there.

izuku is related to all for one

admittedly this one is one of my most underdeveloped aus but i still love it all the same. basically my take on it bc the whole ‘afo is hisashi’ thing kinda weirds me out considering afo is at least 200 years old. in this au he’s izuku’s grandfather and inko is his daugther who escaped him and lives in hiding.

i haven’t decided whether i want this au to be my take on izuku having afo or if it’s another quirkless izuku au. i haven’t gotten very far into it, all i know is that afo has no emotions and he’s a heartless bastard (me hating the dad for one trope w a passion) so there’s sort of MAJOR angst potential if i decide to go down that route.

gamer au

izuku’s quirk is that his life is a game. that’s….that’s it. if you’re familiar with sword art online, it has a lot of influence from that w/o the characters or plot or pervertedness or incest because what the fuck sao was so bad with all those. still pissed bc outside that it had potential and i think abt that a lot.

anyways, so y’know how in a lot of rpgs there’s the hud w stats and an inventory system and abilities?? well apply that to izuku and he’s p much that. the world “autosaves” whenever he sleeps, but he can’t manually load a save. if he dies he starts over from his last autosave.

bc of his access to abilities and stuff, he has the potential to be powerful bc hey he can basically do magic, but at the same time he just healed his body completely by drinking this drink he made w herbs and shit last night. also he can carry a ludicrous amount of shit that couldn’t possible fit in his backpack but apparently he’s got seventeen cheese wheels in there and room for half the classroom furniture too.

izuku sees the world w a hud which would be annoying but it’s normal for izuku. in fact, he sort of hates watching tv because the hud doesn’t appear on the screen and it’s so weird and bizarre he doesn’t really like it.

i haven’t planned anything but details of the quirk bc it can get waaaay too overpowered too quickly and hhhh i sort of burnt out of different ways this would effect canon, so i didn’t think abt it. but i did figure out that izuku would have so many gaming analogies for his friends and be into like a thousand different games.

the one where uraraka is the protag instead

born when i was complaining about how shitty horikoshi is at writing his female characters i brainstormed this au in a discord server where i overhauled canon w a more badass uraraka. (and she doesn’t even get ofa!!! she’s just badass on her own!!!)

basically bc she’s a lot more confident and determined in this au she influences a lot of her classmates. the other girls are a lot more active in their actions and are more than just the background characters. uraraka’s full strength is explored and i think i planned for her to win the sports festival bc she deserved it.

also inspired by the idea i had of pro hero uraraka kicking a lamp post down on her own strength and using it to put a comet home run on a villain like she did in the battle trial. bc holy shit that’s a fantastic mental image.

basically my “mha girls fucking rule and fuck horikoshi’s shitty writing” au

hp au

ah yes, finally we get to my take on the most generic of aus. basically i just wanted todoroki in hufflepuff to piss off endeavor and basically loving it bc he befriends izuku in it. i definitely haven’t developed this au outside of worldbuilding in how i’d combine the two universes whilst fixing both jkr and horikoshi’s bad writing.

i actually wrote a snippet that’s somewhere on my blog that i can’t link to now but you could probs for search it. but this was basically born from me getting angry at people putting the kids in the wrong houses. im a firm believer that izuku fits in nearly every house but hufflepuff and slytherin suits him the most while todoroki is ABSOLUTELY a hufflepuff. i wanted some platonic tododeku bonding so i put izuku in hufflepuff. uraraka is slytherin, iida is gryffindor, and it’d be too messy to list all the kids so i won’t.

but!! what im most happy w in this au is how i incoporate mha stuff into it. like how hagakure isn’t actually invisible she just got permanently hexed by her brother to always be unnoticed so you can never know what she looks like or where she is. tokoyami has a bird head due to a failed attempt at becoming an animagi. its permanent and although he could get it fixed, theres actually a number of wizards w the same thing do there’s a lot of animal like wizards. shinhou comes from a pureblood family thats been known for their dark magic, even though the last four generations haven’t been dark wizards the wizardinv world is convinced he’ll be a dark wizard too but shinsou wants to prove them wrong. amajiki being a metamorphmagus who shifts his limbs into animals when he’s nervous. etc etc. i have too much worldbuilding and no plot lmao.

disney aus galore

one day i thought up abt three different disney aus for the mha universe but my first idea was a little mermaid au for momojirou w momo being the princess and jirou being the mermaid.

except besides the basic premise i p much scrapped the whole movie in that jirou learns sign language to talk to momo and the two play music together. jirou plays piano or w/e whilst momo sings. it’s v gay. theres a ball and they dance and then kiss. i never wrote it out bc i didn’t wanna add conflict in it but never got round to actually writing it lmao.

but i thought up a tododeku tangled au, kiribaku cinderella au, tsuocha princess and the frog au, and a couple others that i didn’t plan out fully. still close to my heart if i ever manage to get round to writing them out. each would probs either be a long shot at 7k-15k words or a short multichapter fic at 25k-30k words.

the Spite™️ fic

the fic where i get pissed at every shitty thing about horikoshi’s writing. izuku gets mad at all might for his views on quirkless people and gets into ua on his first try. izuku rightfully does not take bakugou’s shit and calls him out at every opportunity. bakugou’s actions have repercussions. all might gets punished for almost letting bakugou kill izuku in an exercise.

izuku gets pissed over a lot of shit basically. also at one point he either punts mineta into the sun or loudly and publicly makes the argument that mineta should be expelled from ua including evidence and testimonies from the girls. and he encourages nearly all of them to get better costumes.

i haven’t actually written much abt it but if there’s smth i got pissed @ horikoshi for smth in canon it’d be address in this fic bc oh boy am i never spiteful so it’s kind of theraputic to write even tho i haven’t done it in a while.

uh….i have a lot more but man i think i’ve been writing this for like an hour or two idk im gonna finish this before the app crashes or smth. thank you for letting me ramble this got long oops sorry.

#shut up danni #mha #danni’s aus #hhhhh im passionate abt many of these aus as you can tell #this is a free pass to tell me which/if you’re interested in btw #long post

[bleedpure]

         mark lee vc: LEZ GEDDIT   !   i’m al or ally, i’m nineteen, i’m in the cst timezone aka the midwest, so u know what that means   !   it sucks   !   i don’t even know how to transition out of that. i’m so bad at talking about myself, so i think we’re just gonna not do that.......   we’ll talk about seulki instead, which i can assure u he’s 100% more interesting than i will ever be   !   u can find his info under the cut and if u wanna plot hit that like button and i’ll come to u or u can hit me up on d*scord  ( which i would love tbh bc it’s easier than tumblr ims )  @ the jonas brothers did that#7625.   okay, onto the intro   !

- ̗̀✰ • 【 LEE MINHO, CISMALE, HE/HIM 】 ❝ did you see KIM SEULKI on the train back to hogwarts? they’re a HALF-BREED (VAMPIRE) in their THIRD year as a TWENTY year old RAVENCLAW. apparently they’re the ENIGMA around the grounds; most likely because they give off an aura of DROPLETS OF CRIMSON LIQUID DRIPPING OFF PEARLY WHITE FANGS, FORM FITTING JEANS THAT HUG JUST THE RIGHT SPOTS, HEART SHAPED LIPS CURLING INTO A DEVILISH SMILE, THE FEELING OF A PIANO PLAYING EERILY IN THE ROOM NEXT DOOR. of all the social media platforms, they’re definitely most obsessed with their INSTAGRAM; probably because they’re ELOQUENT, but also MANIPULATIVE. however, on the new manifest app in mr. carlos’ english class, they’ve already managed to anonymously steal the username: BLOODLUST. 

ALSO   !   if u want a better look at him, u can check out his pinterest board here  ( follow me too that’d be so sexy of u )   ! 

information.

i’m gonna just do this in bullet points bc i’m lazy and have had a really long week so if it’s choppy.... i am so sorry u are just gonna have to deal w it KMSKSMK

seulki was born in seoul, south korea to a kang insoo, a wizard man, and kim eunbin, a vampire woman, seulki himself being her first born

he doesn’t remember much of his own father, the only image he has of him is his bloodied corpse after his mother ripped his throat out when he was five years old

she was a cruel woman is what he had learned from that moment on

most half-breeds are misunderstood creatures, but the kim line of vampires were the monsters they told u abt in horror stories, the ones that hid under ur bed and took u from ur room in the depths of the night

being descendants of vlad the impaler, yes he really was a vampire!, had death and destruction lacing through their veins, darkness and deceit wrapping around their bodies

growing up, he watched his mother give birth to three more children, all of which were full fledged vampires, unlike himself

at first, he never let it bother him, he was raised up to be a vampire, to let the magic gene within him go dormant. he fed off humans and shed the blood of other’s with the influence of his mother, but even being her puppet was never enough for her

secretly, she had always resented her falling in love with a wizard, a human, someone that wasn’t of their own kind. because she did actually fall in love with him, only to be blindsided by her own family, a powerful clan of vampires pulling who she was and who she had always been out of her

because of the resentment matted in between her bones, the anger and frustration of her family ruining her life, of insoo ruining her life, she began to see the human traits within seulki even more often than not, creating a drift and a barrier between the two of them

seulki was the eldest brother, the one who took it upon himself to help raise them, to protect them, to never let their bright souls be diminished by the thought that they were monsters. they loved him and he loved them, but his mother didn’t like that

she didn’t like how they cared for each other because they cared for each other  more than they cared for her. she was selfish, wanting the love she never was able to receive, wanted to feel smth for all that she didn’t

his mother hadn’t been fond of him for a while, only using him to do her bidding and while him and his siblings got closer and closer, she got angrier, knowing that they were each others’ heartbeats and she wasn’t included in that

so because of her selfish and deranged nature, she wanted to eliminate her younger children to cause torment to seulki. ganging up on the children one night with the intent to kill them, but she didn’t get as far as she wanted to

she severely injured her second oldest, giving a few scratches the the other’s before seulki came in, eyes black and charging towards his mother. it was a bloodbath after that, the two youngest pulling their sister to safety as they called for seulki

their cries and calls snapped him out of his loss of humanity and in front of him was his injured, but not dead mother unconscious. it was then that he took his chance, packing whatever he could that was valuable and fled with his siblings

they spent time spent a long time running, bouncing from city to city more bloodshed falling onto seulki’s hands to protect the only people he held dear to him and he would do anything for them.

he struggled a lot actually with maintaining his humanity as it would slip from time to time due to the trauma even if he had his siblings to tether him down. at some point, seulki, while strong, felt himself getting exhausted from being on the run and it was when they’d found themselves in scotland being found by hagrid of all people offering seulki a place at hogwarts and his siblings a place in his hut

at first, seulki declined, not fully trusting the man with his siblings even though he would be right in the castle near by. but, after some thought and the push of the second oldest, they accepted the offer and seulki’s been attending hogwarts since he was eighteen and his siblings have found a residence with hagrid

tidbits.

he ages like a normal human up until he’s twenty-one when he quits aging and begins the phase of immortality.

seulki can and will drink blood to survive, but if he goes without it it’s not detrimental to him until he quits aging altogether which means he can eat regular food, he actually quite enjoys it.

he has fangs, he can go out into sunlight, but not for an excessive amount of time or he’ll get a rash. seulki does have inhuman speed and strength, but nothing overpowering u know? when he loses his humanity, his eyes go full black and when the vampire takes him over, his eyes are red, and his regular eye color is brown.

losing his humanity means he loses his heartbeat, most of the time either due to losing the things or people that make his heart beat or from intense and severe anger or negative emotions such as the like. though, it can be voluntarily done as well by switching it off  ( kind of like tvd . . . fucking disgusting ). but, seulki being only half-vampire has an easier time, unlike his siblings, to regain his heartbeat back and for his humanity to fluctuate when it’s lost because of his human side. his siblings are his heartbeats actually, so that’s where the intense need to protect them comes from as well as just being their brother.

seulki is a Big Bi   !   loves it fucking all.

he’s not super great at magic since his magic gene was pretty dormant until he came to hogwarts, so he’s pretty much just skirting by at this point.

his siblings mean the world to him, he would do absolutely anything for them and wouldn’t let a single person harm a hair on their heads. but   !   no one knows they exist, though i’m sure if there were special people in his life they might   !

while he sleeps around a lot . . . he’s a secret romantic. he’s always wanted to find love, but it way too terrified of it. 

oh yeah he has a blood kink............ that’s important ig

personality.

seulki is definitely an interesting person. he’s wise and intelligent, having been through a lot in his life. he’s eloquent and good with his words, most would call him honey-tongued because of how he can persuade almost anyone to do what he says. seulki is kind of a dick or well, like a suave dick. he’s charming and flirty, his signature is a smirk and like arms crossed as he leans against a doorway u know? seulki is uh. how do i put this? kind of a whore. he doesn’t tend to care about others which is deep rooted in the fact that he’s never felt real love . . . his own mother hated him to the core. he’s overprotective of the people he cares about and will do absolutely anything for them. he’s an ass if i didn’t mention that before, it’s to protect himself and his siblings from ever being hurt again because he’s so terrified of letting people in for them to just tear him down in the process. he’s guarded and u never know what he’s thinking because he doesn’t show it on his face or let u know. UH I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY MY BRAIN DOESN’T WORK............ he’s p manipulative............. uh he cares a lot. but deep down and he doesn’t want ppl to know that........... he’s definitely a Big Brother type when he cares abt u, makes sure u’ve eaten, makes sure ur warm and are comfortable....... yeah idk that’s it i’m done

wanted plots.

A HEARTBEAT   !   — whether platonic or romantic, this would be someone who, just like seulki’s siblings, makes his heart beat thus keeping his humanity in check, they would be a WHOLE, WHOLE lot to him. 

A TUTOR   !   — as i mentioned earlier, seulki isn’t super well versed when it comes to magic, he’s not very good at it and it’s hard for him to navigate sometimes, so having someone to help him get his mf grades up would be lovely !

AN EX   !   — obviously, this didn’t go down well because seulki is terrified of commitment and people getting close to him. it could play out in so many ways, so if it sparks ur interest we can chat !

A ROOMMATE   !   — so which sucker is gonna have to live with the vampire who has a blood kink ?

A BEST FRIEND   !   — obviously this is pretty self explanatory, this would be someone that seulki trusts with probably his life and they mean a lot to him, even if he’s bad at showing it.

LOVE/HATE   !   — bruh give me that good shit. these two can’t stand each other, but because of that it’s formed some sort of fondness where if anyone is messing with the other they’re like who tf are u that’s my job   !

A BAD INFLUENCE / GOOD INFLUENCE   !   — self explantory . . . someone be a good influence for seulki and let him be a bad influence for someone else.

AN UNREQUITED CRUSH   !   — my friend gave me the idea to maybe have someone have a cute little crush on seulki . . . and i was like but that’s SO sad........ then i was like u know what i love pain so here we are........ also could be requited we shall see   !

FUCK BUDDIES, FRIENDS/ENEMIES WITH BENEFITS, FLINGS   !   — i’m just getting lazy at this point to explain this shit . . . fuck him, let him fuck u he’s a true vers my friends.

OTHERS   !   — cuddle buddy, old friends, confidant, rivals, skinny love, annoyances, a brother/sister type of relationship, and if there’s anything else we can just vibe   !   tbh we don’t even have to do anything from this list, whatever fits the muses, these are just ideas   !

#mhq:intros #°࿐ ✦ ༉ 𝓐. ooc ﹠ 𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙠 𝙞𝙩'𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙠𝙪𝙨𝙝 . #huh. can't believe y'all have to read this...... i feel bad for u all #also i didn't proofread this so just go w it

[tayegi]

Ahhhh I love how u ended chapter 11 of NR!!! I am SO here for OC calling jk out on his bullshit 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Anonymous said:Lu, I think this was my favourite chapter of new rules so far. This one really hit home for me – a similar thing happened to me before with a guy, said he liked me, but treated me like a walking vagina and then he turned round and got a girlfriend like I meant nothing. And this chapter really brought it back for me, you wrote it so well and the emotions feel very raw. I also love the friendship portrayal of Yerin and Mijoo, it's nice to see that chicks before dicks mentality in a fic for once :)

thotitup said:the new chapter of NR is amazing!!! I usually finish chapters needing a new one for closure/satisfaction but this one could be the ending and i would be just fine!! girl said what she had to say and went into the storm (metaphor for heartbreak and epiphany journey?) by herself like a BOSS ASS BITCH. Jk is cancelled until he grows up, nice work xxx

Anonymous said:Jeon jungkook really is a fucking coward. I was crying with oc the whole time. What I really respect about her though is her bravery to tackle on her problems headon. She's afraid but that didn't stop her from confessing her feelings and calling jungkook out, laying her feelings out there in a room full of frat boys. I would neverbe able to do that. She shows her strengths even in her weakest moments. She's definitely one of my fav oc in existence. Thank you for writing this!!

Anonymous said:being a lesbian really do be the best thing to ever happen to me bc men AINT IT ! love ur fic x amazing as always :)))uwu

Anonymous said:The OC spitting the truth in JK's face?? "You're not the relationship type ? "..." You love that shit." & the "It'd be easier to get over you"? I could've cried it was amazing I love her so much. And JK too but she is right. She doesn't have to endure all of his insecurities & unsolved issues. Sure he very probably have his reasons. But if he doesn't try to work on them with her, she doesn't have to suffer from it. She grew up a lot during the series. Thanks to him for a part. It's his turn now.

Anonymous said:A thing that I really wanted to tell you is how the O/C of New Rules pushed me to be more vocal and supportive to other women. I honestly think that she is a person to look up to. Although she has flaws (as other humans), I consider her a role model for what she does for other women. Thank you so much for this story. ⭐️

Anonymous said:BITCH IM SCREAMING U UPDATED NEW RULES !!!!! Ok I just finished reading and like..... damn..... ur mind.... the way you've fleshed out ur characters is so incredible you've spent so much time carving these characters like they're 3d yo also y/n is such a bad bitch !! She needs to listen to that vibe "I'm a bad bitch! U cant kill me!" This ask is all over the place but just know uh I love this story the characters the writing the dialogue & u obviously. Thank u for sharing ur talent w us kween 💖

Anonymous said:This chapter squeezed my heart so bad but I am SO happy that OC stood up for herself in the end I literally LOVED her speech especially about the toxic masculinity, im proud that she was able to speak out what she was feeling and hopefully it got through to jk who obviously has some emotional barrier or something, this whole chapter is so relevant to hookup culture and young relationships and ppl often don’t confront others with their feelings so this was rlly refreshing

Anonymous said:I LOVE NR!!! I just love the new chapter. Expecially the last part where the OC finally call jungkook out! You really are amazing Lu

Anonymous said:I love how multidimensional all of the characters in NR are holy shit. I could probably go in depth on a bunch of examples, but I think the OC stood out to me the most in this chapter. I've read fics about strong women before which is awesome but sometimes they're just like... unrealistically strong where they can immediately brush off their feelings. I'm SO HAPPY you write the OC where she's obviously affected by the rejection but realizes that she has to be there for Yerin and wow I love her

Anonymous said:when the oc barged into the frat house I was so proud of her like yes queen! tell them how disgusting toxic masculinity is! go go go ❤️ thank you so much for updating lu 💛

Anonymous said:i thought that the oc was brave because she confessed her feeling and we all know how much courage you have to muster to let yourself be so vulnerable BUT when she called out jungkook???? in front of those frat fuckbois????? that was so fucking bad ass, i really love her with all my heart because it doesn’t matter how much she’s hurting, she’s always showing a confident & strong facade

lovemusicn1d said:Luuuu, I love the fact that the main character is subjected to the idea of "grow up and get your shit together" for having what I personally think is a normal reaction to being treated the way she was by Jungkook, whereas at the end she grabs the situation at hand and flings it back into the depths of hell where it belongs because fuck the idea that emotions are weak and THANK YOU for having her confront that issue and making it so she doesn't let herself be shamed for what she feels altogether.

Anonymous said:hi! thank you for updating us with such an empowering & strong chapter of new rules!!! i immediately told all my friends that u updated and was always amazed by ur characterization of the oc!!! she is such a boss i love ur work it really inspired me a lot thank you

Anonymous said:thanks for ch 11!! short but intense! i thought this chapter would make me feel sad in a way due to jungkook's actions, but instead it ended with me feeling empowered lmfao!!! rooting for the oc and how she stuck up for herself! i loved the part about the discord between giving and receiving love and toxic masculinity. it's something society still struggles with today ugh.

Anonymous said:Chapter 11 is my favorite of the story so far!!! So many things happened in one chapter aaahhhh. Go OC! Hit him with the truth!!! As what Red Velvet says "Shot another bad boy down."

bangtan-sai said:OC from the new chapter of new rules is incredibly brave! She confessed and didn't try to backtrack. Even when Jungkook avoided her she continued to try to talk to him. She called him out in front of all those people. She may have found it difficult to do these things but she still found the courage to do them and I think that's amazing 💖

Anonymous said:Chap 11 made me feel things and i really do admire the oc a lot after this chapter. I love that she stood up for herself when jk was trying to make her feel like it was a one-sided r/s. The way he reacted to her confession was uncalled for, and it was very brave of the oc to call him out for being a coward and pushing her away. It certainly wasn't easy given how his friends were "mocking" her towards the end and the fact that she held her head high makes me want to root for her even more!!💖 💖

taetata95 said:I feel so like !!!! idk like I’ve been waiting for oc to kick jungkooks ass and THE WAY SHE STORMED IN THERE I LOVED IT I’ve been meaning to message you about new rules I love it it breaks my heart ngl the way she thinks about herself but I want to see oc kick some ass and IM BASICALLY READING IT FOR OC I LOV HER

Anonymous said:YES GO GIRL JUST GET OVER THAT LIL SHIT. YOU DESERVE BETTER. men and their toxic masculinity can fuck off srsly ugh

Anonymous said:I finally got to reading ch 12 of NR tonight and ended up in tears at the last scene when oc stands up to jungkook in front of all his other frat brothers. Telling them they’re a bunch of children that clings to their toxic masculinity, that was really cool of her and i wish i could be as courageous. i’ve always been proud of NR oc but i love her even more!

Anonymous said:“Because it’ll be so easy getting over you.” Yaaaaaasss girl throw it in his face. This line made me want to both cry from the angst and jump up and down cheering OC on for her confidence. I know people are sad about them ending, but I'm excited for the next part of this fic. Jungkook really has been an asshat so I'm happy OC finally realized his issues and confronted him.

LAKSDJFLSDFJ this makes me so happy!!! there is nothing i love more than girls supporting girls

and this esp makes me happy bc i have been planning this exact confrontation scene since like sept 2017 and was so nervous about it! in fact, the last line “it’ll be so easy getting over you” was prob the one thing that inspired me to write this entire, enormous, monstrous fic in the first place. so im so relieved that it’s out there and more importantly, that you guys have related to it so much klasdjf you guys are the best and i love you all

#new rules #new rules ch 11 #beautiful ppl #felixdwqins

[mego42]

1x10 discussion questions

one season down, two to go!!! this has been so much fun y’all. i've watched s1 all by my onesies a totally normal amount of times but watching with all of you is it’s own kind of delight. your jokes and your takes are a+++. truly enhance the experience. and i know i say it every week but a sincere thank you to @pynkhues​ for organizing and all the work you put into it.

ANYWAY enough of the gross emo stuff.

1. What was your favourite scene of the episode? Tell us why!

this is a question with an objectively correct answer and it’s when dean gets hit by a car. the last scene is p good too i guess.

2. Was there any scene that missed the mark for you? And if so, how?

the line dancing scene chills me to my core but that says more about my feelings about line dancing than the scene itself. it’s not so much that it misses the mark as much as i consider it a personal attack on part with repeatedly saying sauce arms and making me remember the bandaid.

3. Let’s start from the top! That scene with Rio and Turner! This is our first ever Rio POV scene, and a lot of crucial information is delivered in it – from what Rio’s like as a crime boss to the situation with Eddie. What do you make of this scene? And do you think Rio ever saw Turner as a real threat?

rio saw turner as a whole ass snack and he was right

4. It’s Beth and Dean’s twentieth anniversary! Beth warms to him again over the course of this episode before the cancer lie is revealed. What do you think the trajectory of Beth and Dean’s relationship would’ve looked like if the lie hadn’t been revealed?

eventually beth would’ve taken out the trash. i don’t think there’s a version of the two of them that would work long term as long as beth is coming more and more into herself through crime and dean is, you know, dean. would’ve totally derailed the brio pacing though so someone get that doctor a medal.

5. Annnnd on a related note, do you think the cancer lie is lost to us forever, or that the show might still throw it back on the table at some point?

i have deep seated tv-related trust issues so i’ve convinced myself that no we won’t so i can’t be any more disappointed than i already am

6. Ben has his first few days at St. Anne’s, and it goes well, despite Annie’s reservations. Do you think Greg was right to change Ben’s schooling? Do you think Annie was right in having her reservations? Or is it some combination of both?

as a product of a catholic school elementary environment i feel extremely qualified to say that catholic school kids will fuck you up and annie was absolutely justified in her reservations. that said, clearly the public school kids were also fucking ben up so greg was in the right too. the moral of the story is kids are assholes. 

7. What do you think the show might be saying with the fact that Annie’s son finds safety at a school called St. Anne’s?

you know i never connected those dots before. it’s a little on the nose but it makes me go awwwww so i’ll allow it.

8. What do you think of the Fine & Frugal job overall? Do you think it was a good idea to set Rio up in the way that they did? Do you think it was a good way to get the money for Sara’s transplant?

the (second!! second!!!!) fine & frugal job was, to put it mildly, extremely stupid. just the fact that they robbed it for the second time is enough but oh my GOD the rio portion of the plan tips it over the edge. it’s too many levels of stupid i can’t list them all. it’s the girls at their most short sighted and it makes me want to bang my head against the nearest flat surface.

THAT SAID one thing that i’ve always really loved about the show is the girls are like, truly awful at crime in many ways and fairly consistently reap the consequences of that. i love that they’re sort of bumbling their way to success with their individual talents and determination but not being like, smooth criminals or whatever. i’ve watched the version of this show where that happens (*stares in weeds*) and it’s infuriating.

9. What do you think of the scene with Tyler at the end and how he let the girls off the hook in exchange for getting to be the hero? What do you think this tells us about the overall themes of the show?

i love the hell out of tyler that pure hearted himbo. i know there are deeper thoughts here around male entitlement and how it’s seen through characters like boomer and dean and turner and rio but it’s late and my brain is there. i do like how it’s mmmmmm underscored? subverted? by tyler basically asking annie to make it seem like he’s someone to be taken seriously. it reminds me of a little kid asking for help playing dress up or make believe. idk idk idk pretend i said something smart.

10. Mary Pat discovers Boomer’s been spying on her! It leads to one of my favourite fights of the entire series between Mary Pat and Boomer! What do you think that fight told us about Mary Pat and Boomer’s relationship so far, and who each of them are as people?  

mary-pat was deeply wronged and in a different ‘verse is bffs with the girls. JUSTICE FOR MARY-PAT

11. On a related note, what did you think of Mary Pat going to Beth with the news?

i love it, for as much as mary-pat tries to walk tall and carry a big stick or whatever, as soon as stuff starts falling apart her first instinct is to run to her crime mom for help. THEY SHOULD BE FRIENDS DAMMIT. 

12. Beth throws down a pretty big bluff with Annie and Ruby about going to Canada to take over Rio’s business. Do you think she actually intended to go through with it? Or do you think she was just joking? Or was it something in between?

you know how sometimes people tell jokes that are so funny hahahaha but also omg you guys what if we really did it? it’s one of those. 

13. In 100 words or less, please describe your emotional journey in watching Stan find out what Ruby had done for the money to save Sara.  

N O 

14. Annie and Greg have a pivotal moment together as co-parents at the end of this episode. Do you think this is a satisfying culmination to their arc across this season? And do you see any sort of future for them as a couple overall?

probs not any time soon bc i think zach gilford got another job but i hope so bc i love them lEaVE mE aLoNE

15. That! Final! Scene! Between! Beth! Rio! And! Dean! So much emotion! Give us all your thoughts, comments, feelings! And pretend you were yet to see s2 - what would you predict the outcome would be?

i love literally (like, actually literally) every single thing about this scene. truly god tier and we haven’t even gotten to the dean gets shot/face-touching/E L I Z A B E T H stuff. i’m trying to remember what i thought when i first watched this but honestly i think i was just mashing the next episode button over and over like some kind of psychotic chimpanzee on meth bc netflix wasn’t loading fast enough. 

#gg rewatch #gg 1x10

[jocelynships]

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I got into Marvel and how at first it was just a silly little obsession and how it turned into something that ended up meaning so much to me.

So, I apologize for this sounding so sappy and for how long (it’s really long and I apologize greatly) and emotional this gets, but here:

Warning: Talk of past mental abuse and thoughts of self-harm/suicide

So here’s the funny thing, when I was between the ages of 10-13 I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with Marvel. Everyone was talking about it and I will admit I was a bratty kid and if something was popular I had to Hate It™️. I’ve grown from that mindset and I’m SO glad I did. But anyways, not the point of the story.

When I was a little kid I watched the first Spider-Man movie with Tobey Maguire and Fantastic 4. I watched a lot of Spider-Man cartoons too. I can’t remember if I ever watched X-Men or not, but I remember seeing them in a few Spider-Man episodes. My dad liked Marvel and he’d play the movies (this was all pre MCU I should mention) and I think I’d watch bits and pieces of them while I played with whatever toys I had in my parent’s bedroom or living room (when I was a kid if my dad was home I HAD to be around him). So I had a VAGUE understanding of superheroes and who they were. I’m certain I could have named a few of them when I was younger, I just didn’t necessarily care.

So Avengers came out when I was finishing up 8th grade, and all my classmates were talking about it, but it annoyed me greatly. My best friend, Rebecca, had seen it already, and was freaking out about it with some of our other old friends. I made a comment like “is it really good or are you guys just trying to be cool like everyone else?”

And Rebecca goes, “Jocelyn, you really need to see it. I think you’d actually like it.”

“Superheroes are so overrated!”

“At least watch the trailer!”

So Rebecca pulled up the trailer on her iPod Touch (god I feel old just saying that), sat me down at one of the benches by the basketball court our tiny private school had, and I watched the trailer. I was kinda interested, but not totally sold. I decided the guys were hot, and if I would go if asked.

Then when I got home from school, I was looking for something to watch like most kids were. Nothing was on, but Disney XD was playing some Marvel cartoons and out of simple curiosity and not really liking anything else that was being played, I turned it on. And holy shit I ended up getting hooked.

So a few days later after watching these cartoons I suggest seeing Avengers to my dad. He gets this look on his face like, “who the hell are you and what did you do to my daughter because she hates superheroes?” He asks me if I’m a Marvel fan now and I mentioned the cartoons, so he went and rented the movies leading up to the Avengers, and I wasn’t actually expecting to like anything, I just wanted to see it because I thought the guys were hot.

So I ended up really enjoying the movies, and my dad and I started seeing the other MCU films that came out. I told myself I was only interested in the Avengers and Spider-Man really (the Amazing Spider-Man came out the same year as the Avengers and my dad took me to see it). I told myself didn’t really care about any of the other hero teams.

BUT THEN I GET INTRODUCED TO THIS REALLY COOL FACEBOOK MARVEL GAME! They sadly don’t have it anymore which in my opinion is BULLSHIT, but it was called Avengers Alliance and they had a shit ton of characters in it. My goal was to get them all but I never did bc it got shut down (listen I would kill to have it brought back okay THEY HAD A BUNCH OF X-MEN CHARACTERS) But basically I saw all these characters I had no idea existed and me being me, my mind went “I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM”! I really don’t know everything about them and I’m still discovering characters but that’s okay!! The Marvel universe is HUGE and I love learning new stuff about it!! But anyways back to my original point!! I remembered I really liked the Fantastic 4 when I was younger so I started watching the original two movies again (I haven’t seen the 2015 remake nor do I plan to ever). Then I saw we had the first two X-Men films, okay lets watch those. Oh, who’s Daredevil and the other Defenders? They seem cool!! Ghost Rider? Hell yeah, a skeleton on fire how cool is that?! Agents of SHIELD? I loved Phil Coulson, I had to watch it! Hey, the Guardians of the Galaxy are really cool too! I know nothing about Doctor Strange but he was in some Spider-Man cartoons and he seemed awesome! Blade, a vampire that doesn’t sparkle? SIGN ME UP!

Basically from the time I was 14-17, I was just basically running down an aisle at a grocery store picking out characters I thought looked cool. I also learned a lot about the characters from some mobile games I downloaded bc hey, I like games.

But at the same time as I was going through everything, I started developing some extreme anxiety and depression problems. I didn’t exactly realize it WAS anxiety and depression, I just thought I was extremely sensitive and did a bunch of shit wrong, so I assumed I was just a screw up whenever my mother yelled at me for getting a B in class or blamed me for her being late to work when I was ready to go and she was just getting in the shower. It wasn’t until my senior year did I realize something was wrong with the way she was treating me and the way I was feeling. But again, I brushed it off as nothing.

I went through my senior year feeling anxious and depressed a lot. But I was a SENIOR! I was almost done with high school! I had a great group of friends and we’d hang out on the weekends and go off campus for lunch to the Taco Bell down the road! Things couldn’t be bad!

But tensions were rising high at home. I was sort of oblivious to a lot of it and to be honest, I’m a little upset with myself for not noticing it sooner. My parents were fighting a lot, and halfway through my senior year of high school, my sister and niece had to move in with us because her ex husband was an alcoholic and was getting abusive. (She ended up going back for about another year, but left permanently the second time she moved in with us) And needless to say things were really rough since there was now five people in a two bedroom apartment and my sister and my niece stayed in my room with me. Which was difficult since my niece was 4/5 at the time and had quite the temper, and I was also her favorite person, yet I was occupied with school work.

My anxiety and depression got worse, and it got to the point where I was having meltdowns in class and would have to leave school early or just stay home. After a month or two and a HUGE fight between pretty much everyone (except me, they only stopped when I had a massive panic attack), my sister moved back.

And things were slightly okay again. During that break I got reintroduced to X-Men through a couple different things: my best friend, @rosyinlove, X-Men Apocalypse was coming out, and my brother gave me his old Xbox 360 and the game Marvel Ultimate Alliance. I’ve seen the first two movies at this point and I was already kinda curious about them, but wasn’t until that year did I realize “hey these guys are kinda cool!” So I played as them in Ultimate Alliance just because they were the most fun to play. And while he sadly wasn’t a playable character, Nightcrawler was a character and you had to rescue him in a quest (or kill him and save Jean instead, I had a dilemma over the very idea of killing him and this was BEFORE I started shipping with him!) and he fascinated me. IDK if it was my brain just liking him as a character or going “WHOO BOY HE’S HOT”, but my interest in him was growing and I was kinda sad he wasn’t a playable character!

And with Apocalypse coming out the day after I graduated high school, I decided I had to see it, so I impulsively bought the other movies and well... the rest is history. I started watching the cartoons and while I didn’t get my hands on any comics, I read bits and pieces online.

And for some reason, the X-Men just spoke out to me in a way I can’t explain. I loved all the other heroes I came across, but there was something about the team of mutants that really pulled me in. Maybe because I related to the fact of being outcast? But in any case, I was drawn to them and I latched onto them and just didn’t let go. Even when 70s and 80s pop culture was the main thing on my mind in 2017, I still had the X-Men in the back of my mind and I thought “oh hey, this song reminds me of the X-Men”, “Kurt would like this song”, or “omg this movie would be a cute AU for me and Kurt!”

But anyways, the summer of 2016 was kind of rough. My mother was getting onto me for every single little thing and even yelled at me in front of my friends once for asking her to bring some some soda after she OFFERED to get us some. My friends pulled me aside and said, “hey, that’s not normal”. And I was in a really bad place. I loved my mother, but I felt awful being around her. I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around her. If I said the wrong thing I’d be punished. I was afraid of her.

So I noticed whenever I got anxious or depressed I would turn to the X-Men movies and cartoons and I’d feel a little better. Then I started writing dumb little stories and made silly doodles of me hanging out with them. It was something that was fun and made me calm down when I was getting anxious.

Then August of 2016 came around.

I came home from spending the night at a friend’s house, and I was feeling really tired so when my dad asked for me to sit down and talk to him about something, I tried brushing him off because I just wanted to shower and go to sleep.

But he said, “it’s really serious” and whenever someone says that my anxiety shoots through the roof and I think of the worst case scenario, such as someone was dying or was dead. So I sat down with him and I’m expecting him to tell me someone was dead, but he just goes:

“Your mother and I are splitting up.”

Basically my world came crashing down at that point.

My mother started getting more and more irritable and began yelling and screaming at me over the smallest things. And she was convinced I was going to stay with her and she talked to me about all her plans she had for us, but I was going to move out with my dad. But I didn’t want to tell her because I was terrified of how she was going to respond (she lashed out when things didn’t go her way), and I said, “I still haven’t made up my mind on who I’m going with”. That still caused her to lash out.

So she screamed at me and told me things like “I was leaving her to die” or “I was a horrible daughter for abandoning her”. And from that she just lashed out over everything. Not to mention my sister and my niece moved back in that September.

So my mother was constantly fighting with my dad, berating me, and my sister and my niece never gave me any alone time despite being in my first semester of college. I had very little time to work on homework and would stay at school for longer than I needed to be there just to work on homework without my sister and my niece bothering me. And I also got stuck watching my niece quite a bit because my sister was running off with a guy she had just met. And I get that she was going through a really rough divorce as well and really liked this dude, but it happened every night. I needed an escape from it all.

So I started binge watching Marvel movies and cartoons every chance I got. Mainly X-Men. I fantasized often about Kurt bamfing himself and the X-Men into my apartment, sternly telling my family I was going with them and they couldn’t stop them. I wrote and drew more and more of my silly self insert stuff because it was a way to forget about all the bullshit that was going on at home.

Eventually things just got worse as the time for my dad and I to move out got closer, and my mother would start up fights with my dad just about every night. And she did this when I was in the next room and could hear everything. She also got physical with him and while my dad could have easily defended himself and fight back, he didn’t because she was trying to get him fucking arrested.

So I was having difficulties dealing with their constant fighting and my mother trying to pull me into the middle of the drama. My dad told her to keep me out of it since none of it had to do with me. Needless to say she kept pulling me into the middle of things and tried to get me to side with her and would scream her head off if I didn’t want to talk about it. I got called selfish for having anxiety and depression, and she threatened to hit me on multiple occasions. She never did, but holy shit I got so scared every time she held her hand up like she was going to smack me across the face. I showed up to class crying quite often and when my classmates asked what was wrong I’d brush it off and tell them it was nothing. 

And as time went on I had falling outs with everyone on my mother’s side of the family and both of my siblings (I have made up with them separately, but things are tense between them still because they don’t like each other’s spouses and it stresses me out because they shit talk each other to me and I have to act like I’m on their side), and my dad and I were struggling and I felt like a huge burden on him. Needless to say it got to the point where I felt like I was doing something wrong, that everyone would be better off without me, and I wanted to end it all.

I actually did go to grab a knife once when no one was home bc I was having urges to hurt myself, but the instant I grabbed the knife a little voice in my mind just went into panic mode and screamed, “Captain America wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself!”

And then that voice kept listing off as many heroes as it could, and when I started thinking about the X-Men not wanting me to hurt myself, I just dropped the knife into the sink and had a breakdown.

And still to this day when I do get those thoughts I always think about how a certain fuzzy elf wouldn’t want me to hurt or kill myself. I haven’t cut (I have participated in other self destructive behaviors in the past I don’t wish to discuss, but I’m fighting it), and honestly it’s because I don’t want to worry the X-Men.

They may not be real, and I’m not sure they would really care about me if they were, but still the idea of having a group of people who also come from fucked up families and are outcast from society acting like a family to each other really helps me get through all of this.

I just keep telling myself that if all these superheroes could go through hell and back, then so could I. Sure, I’m not fighting villains hellbent on taking over the world or struggling with having superpowers I can’t control, but still it’s inspiring to see them continue on despite their hardships. If they can do it, then why can’t I?

And the X-Men have really helped me through that. Like I said, they aren’t real, but they are extremely relatable characters. Especially Kurt. I’ve been outcast before and while I do have my group of close friends, I still feel like I don’t belong. He’s been outcast and shunned by society for his appearance. While both of Kurt’s parents are awful and my mother didn’t try to kill me (to be honest I was afraid she was going to snap and kill my dad a couple times), we both have kinda fucked up familes. But despite all of this we still try to see the good in others and do good for people. And I want to help him through his hardships and have him know he can always come to me for comfort.

When I started the Night Roses and the Jocelyn and the X-Men stuff, a lot of it was coping. I wanted to be rescued by Kurt and the X-Men, and I wanted to help them overcome their issues. A lot of the Night Roses relationship is being each other’s support system. The idea of not only having Kurt comfort me, but me comforting him helps me so much. It gives me something to live for. When I was going to therapy, I told my therapist about it and she said it was a great coping mechanism and a way for me to practice self love and acceptance.

And while he’s just a comic book character, I sincerely hope I can find someone just like Kurt in real life one day. He means so much to me, and I hope whoever I get with in the future will understand that.

I apologize for this being so long, but really, Marvel means the absolute would to me, and it’s really hard to explain to people why and I often get written off as an obsessive nerd who has no grasp on reality. But I know how I feel and I know the people who matter understand how important Marvel is to me. Honestly, I don’t know where I’d be without Marvel. I probably wouldn’t be here. I’m still struggling with a lot of issues, but I know I can get through it thanks to the X-Men and the other superheroes of Marvel. ❤️

#long post #personal stuff #i really apologize for this being so long #if you read all of this thank you #i may or may not be crying right now #this was difficult to type out #and i still left out a bunch of stuff #but anyways here you can have this #this is okay to reblog idk why someone would want to but it’s okay to interact with

[baseballiscruel-blog]

For World Mental Health Day

I wanted to write this out because, for one, I have a difficult time openly talking about it, and two, because I feel the need to be honest about my experiences so that anyone who comes across this may better understand me as a person. A lot has happened in my life since I last wrote one of these. I just wanna say - this is a very personal letter and there’s negative connotations that go along with what I’m about to talk about so please try to keep an open mind and respect that I’m being honest and up front about my journey with mental illness.

I’ve always dealt with darkness; it’s been a part of me since as long as I can remember. Sometimes I’ll sit in a group and make what I think is a funny comment, and the response will be, “damn, girl, that’s dark.” I’ve never really seen things that way. And part of my fear in openly discussing this is that people often are unwilling to confront the darkness - so when someone tries to be open about what’s real to them, it’s often dismissed as morbid or “too real”. And when that happens, no matter the context, it causes you to feel like an outsider. Because when you live with that darkness, coexisting in the same space for your entire life, it’s a piece of you. And people aren’t always able - or willing - to understand that.

I got a lot of different diagnoses growing up - useless details that I’m not going to get into. A lot of bullshit therapy that made me give up on therapy altogether (for awhile). To get to the main point, my moods were never... normal. Like, everything hurt my feelings or I was so numb it scared the people around me. Numbness is a constant in my life - I either feel things completely or I don’t feel them at all. I never really understood it, and growing up, it was always the same thing; “You’re so sensitive, you’re so overdramatic”. I honestly never understood it. I was reacting with what I felt and I couldn’t understand why every time I reacted to anything it was, in some way, an “abnormal reaction”. Doctors said a lot of different shit - and there was a day, must have been in 7th grade, where one of my close friends and I were hanging out. We got back to my house and my mom walked outside and made a comment about the shoes I was wearing. It was hateful, but nothing serious enough to justify a fit. But I started crying; I completely lost it. I felt so worthless. I couldn’t understand how one simple comment could rip me apart like that. I saw my friend again a few days later (which, yes, was horribly mortifying if you were wondering) and she said to me, “Rach, I think this is a lot more complicated than you’re able to see right now.” I brushed it off; who the fuck wants to think their abnormal in 7th grade? I had headgear in middle school, like I was already NOT doing well in the normal department, adding an extra bit of crazy to the mix was not at all what I was willing to accept.

In high school, my moods got worse. I was always angry, sad, or numb. And the important thing to note here is that, when it comes to what I feel, I can rarely understand the meaning behind it. Imagine this: you wake up, every day for a week, so angry you can’t see straight. But you don’t know why, or who you’re angry at, or why the rage is so overwhelming you can feel it in every inch of your skin. That’s what all of the moods are like. My friends would say one thing wrong, or they’d give me advice which I deemed as “not good enough”, and I’d treat them like absolute garbage. There was a never a middle ground for me; someone was either the greatest thing in the world, or the worst person I’d ever met. And I could think those things about someone in the span of an hour. Yeah, I know, it’s fucking exhausting. And what’s most exhausting about it is the not knowing “why”. My best friend, who still to this day stands by me and is the absolute rock in my life, got it the worst from me. She tells me now, “it was like walking on eggshells. I never knew which rachael I was gonna get or what was gonna set you off.” I‘ll forever be sorry for that. No mental illness excuses meanness or cruelty; it may explain your behavior, help people to understand why you do the things you do, but it is not an excuse and you should never use it as one.

When I was 19, during a family christmas, my sister came up to me and said, “look, Rae, I think you have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I think you should go see a specialist.” And I remember my response so clearly: I was infuriated, so I glared at her and said, “You can go fuck yourself because I’m not crazy”. I really truly refused to look inwardly at the situation. But my sister was there my entire life; she saw every reaction, every detail. And as I got older, the sadness got worse, the moods themselves got more unstable. I want to paint a picture because this is difficult to explain to someone who does not directly experience it - and I have difficulty opening up about this topic because when someone doesn’t understand you or what you go through on a day to day basis, it can be isolating. So, imagine your experience with heartbreak: That heavy weight on your chest, where every movement genuinely fucking feels impossible and every inch of you hurts. I feel a degree of that almost every day. Stay with that feeling - remember it. Now picture yourself in a bar with your friends, talking, casually having fun. And someone looks at you, and innocently says, “oh, you look like “so and so” celebrity!” But you don’t like that celebrity - and that celebrity isn’t necessarily what you would define as attractive. So in half a second you’ve taken that comment to mean that you’re unattractive and that you’re worthless. And that feeling - that heavy ache in your chest - fills you. That’s what it’s like for me. It only takes that much. And I’m an extremely logical and rational person - Even while it’s happening I can step outside of myself and say, “dude chill out - you know that didn’t mean anything. You’re fine. You know that didn’t mean anything.” But the connection between my thoughts and my feelings has always been weak, to say the least. Because my moods control everything - my ability to rationalize the situation does nothing to change how much pain a single comment can cause me, or how numb I can become.

So, my senior year of college comes around and a lot happened that year; I had my first heartbreak, I was trying to figure out what the fuck I wanted to do after I graduated, (I felt hopeless bc, like, wtf am I gonna do when I graduate???) I dated someone else... it was just a mess. I was all over the place. And then March of 2018 came around, and my sister told me that my aunt was diagnosed with BPD in her 20s and something, idk what, in me snapped. You can be genetically predisposed to BPD. Why I never knew my aunt had it is another question entirely, but in that moment I genuinely said, “fuck it - I give up on everything else, nothing is working” and I went to see a specialist in nyc. There’s a checklist, a list of requirements, you have to meet to be diagnosed with BPD. I’m just gonna say... I passed with fllyyyiiing colors. And no, because I absolutely know what you’re thinking, this is NOT the same as being Bipolar. Not the same. Separate the two. The name “BPD” is misleading; it refers to, in the easiest of terms, unstable moods and behaviors. It’s defined as a personality disorder because the way I feel and experience the world is, in fact, a part of my personality; I can’t ever change it. What I can do is learn how to cope and manage my feelings in a world that wasn’t necessarily built for someone like me. Marsha Linehan once said, “People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.”

I didn’t really process this diagnosis well, if I’m being honest. It’s one thing to have a doctor tell you that you have depression or anxiety (not to in any way minimize those things) because we have, in society, been working to normalize those forms of mental illness. When you think of a disorder, for example, like being Bipolar - do positive images come into your head? Probably not. Because there are extremely harmful and negative connotations that go with any form of mental illness outside of what society has deemed as being somewhat “normal“. So, confronting this was difficult for me. On the one hand, for the first time in my life things made sense; why I always felt like my reactions were wrong, why everything I feel is so unbelievably heavy, why I never seem to understand the meaning behind my moods or their constant fluctuation. But, on the other hand, it was devastating. For a long time it felt like everyone was going to dismiss me, abandon me, that I was never going to be able to be happy. Because, for those of you who have BPD and truly know what every day is like, looking at your future and saying, “holy shit I’m gonna feel what I feel for the rest of my life??” is a terrifying thing to confront. Because who wants to be in pain all of the time? Who wants to be angry for no reason? Who wants to push everybody away because they’re afraid they’re going to get abandonded? How is that life? How is that living?

People still ask me why I decided to leave NYC. Yeah, a big part of it was that I have student loans and I wanted to save up and become a functioning and independent adult before moving back to the East Coast. But, the biggest reason was because of my diagnosis. There is no place like NYC; and it was always my intention to move back (which I am doing, by the way). But if you don’t know who you are every second of the day, that city will rip you apart. And I could barely talk to anyone outside of my circle about what I was dealing with. So I moved back to Chicago. I got a good job, I’m working on getting my shit together to become an independent ”real” adult. But, the most important thing was for me to get my head on straight. And there are very bad days - there will always be very bad days. But I’m learning how to cope with my shit in ways that are far less destructive than what they used to be. And, sadly, sometimes that means deleting my twitter for 6 hours, or doing a bunch of other confusing shit that probably doesn’t make sense to any of my followers. And I’m sorry for that. And I’m always going to be sorry to all the people in my life that this negatively impacts. This is not in any way an easy thing to deal with - trust me, I deal with it every day. And to the people in my life who have stuck by me, I can’t ever explain to you what and how much that means to me. I’ll forever be sorry for the bad days: I’m sorry to all the people I project my pain on, and I’m sorry that it’s still so hard for me to open up emotionally, in a real setting, about this.

But one day I will - and every day I work on myself I gain a little bit more insight, a little bit more hope. To the people who care about me, have faith in me on the days I don’t. I know this is confusing. I barely understand it, too.

And lastly, to the people who will write me off because of this, or the people who judge anyone with a mental illness that they don’t know about or understand - try to be more open. We’re all human, we all face different struggles. And the more open and real we get about mental health - the better we’ll all be for it.

Thank you for listening to my TED Talk. I hope that this, in some way, helps you to understand me better. Mental Health awareness matters because, newsflash, most of the people you’re going to meet in this life are just as fucked up as I am.

Lots of love,

Ræ

[drdanwrites]

Welcome Back **Cedric Diggory x Reader Request**

It's me back with another Cedric request bc I just love him so much. I was wondering if you could do a story that revolves kind of around the idea of Brad Paisley's Meaning Again? Where the Reader has to go on a trip for some reason and Cedric's just counting down the days until she gets back and then she does and he's just supremely happy and smothers her in kisses/hugs/whatever works. Idk I think it'd be cute and that you'd do it wonderfully!

@inkstainedfanfics  I hope you don’t hate this!!! lol Sorry it’s so short! Enjoy my lovely! xxx 

At the train station, Cedric helped you carry your bags to your compartment. You clung to his other arm, holding tightly afraid of letting go. The pair of you haven’t been separated for this long in years, and for good reason. The train doors opened next to you, signally that good-byes were due. As you wrapped yourself tighter around his arm, Cedric bent to the side to place your bags down on the platform. He turned and took hold of your shoulders, forcing you to stand in front of him rather than being suctioned to his side. Holding you at arm's length and stared at you. Everything about you was more than perfect in his eyes and he took advantage of every second to memorise your physicality's. He could see the tears starting to form as you bit your bottom lip as you always did when you held back your emotions. A smile couldn’t help but appear on his face. Cedric placed a firm thumb on your chin and a finger rested underneath, pulling your gaze up to his.

“C’mon. C’mon now. No tears. Y/N, it’s seven days...a week! Just one single week. You’ll be back here before you know it.” You push aside his arms and collide into his chest. At impact, he makes an audible groan and chuckles to himself. His hand instinctively runs down the length of your hair and his other arm wraps you in close. Taking a deep breath in, you both cherish the scent of each other.

“I know. I will just miss you being around.” You move your hand to run your sleeve across your face, rubbing away the evidence of your sadness. A laugh escapes your lips as you look up at Cedric. “You probably are dying for me to go so you can get the bed all to yourself.” Cedric joins in with your humor.

“Well you know, it’ll be nice not fighting for the covers.” He lowers his face to yours, giving you a kiss to last you until you get back. The train hummed with its last entry signal and the kiss was cut short. Quickly, you turn to the side and pick up your bags.

“I guess I’ll see you next week. Don’t miss me too much, you know between all the quidditch and guy time you’ll have.” Cedric couldn’t help but laugh. You definitely knew him too well. 

The train doors closed and he stepped back a couple paces, waving his goodbyes. When the train was out of sight, Cedric looked down at his watch. Seven days started now.

“Brilliant” He smiled.

Cedric arrived back to your shared home and stared at the queen size bed, his hands on his hips as if he had just stuck a flag in the mattress and had claimed it as his own. Flipping the sheets back he wiggled himself into the middle of the bed and stretched his arms out beside him. He felt so free and a massive grin also stretched it’s way across his face as he laughed into the darkened room. The sounds of the laugh died around him and he listened to the silence of the house. Not a creak or shift of the house could be heard and Cedric noted it was way too quiet. Where was your constant rustling next to him or your arm reaching over to wrap yourself in his embrace? Cedric rolled onto his side, facing the side of the bed you normally inhabited. There was no mound filled with a person, just a flat plateau of nothing. Cedric rolled to the other side and closed his eyes tight. Mere seconds later they flung wide open. How was he supposed to get any sleep when he couldn’t feel you lying against his back. He flopped again onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. This was going to be the longest seven days he had ever endured.

Seven days...

It was only S E V E N DAYS.... 

Nothing got better as the days slowly dragged along. Cedric tried everything to distract himself from noticing your absence with anything and everything he could think of. Quidditch, without you there to annoy, didn’t have the same appeal and he found himself aimlessly flying around your house, not having a purpose. His snitch getting bored and eventually putting itself away. On day 5 he tried to go out with friends, but watching other couples out and about made Cedric sick to his stomach. He couldn’t believe at the impact you had on him. How much he depended on your presence to help him with his day to day living. The fact that he hadn’t slept in days because in every position he felt your absence. The weightless sleep of not two bodies but one single and lonely body drove him mad. Everyday he found himself staring at the clock and determining how many days, hours, minutes and seconds were left until you were in his arms again. What was brilliant about this? He thought. He had hoped for a fun bachelor filled week and yet he was more miserable than he had been in a long time. It had felt as if a Dementor had been following him around and you were his patronus, so enlightening and filled with elated happiness.

“My girlfriend is coming home today.” Cedric told the muggle cab driver. His face couldn’t glow any brighter or it might have blinded the cab driver. The man used the rear view mirror to look back at Cedric in the back seat. His hair was severely unkempt and wild just like his clothes. The bags under Cedric’s eyes were heavier than most of the luggage the man stored in his trunk. The man raised his eyebrows to acknowledge his statement. “Yeah, she’s been gone for seven days. Seven loooonnnggg days.” The tiredness in his voice made it quiver slightly and it took all Cedric’s strength to not fall asleep as the cab tossed and turned in a soothing rhythm. “But she’ll be back today and all will be right with the world.”

The train station was abnormally busy but Cedric had only eyes for you. His glazed over eyes and scanned through the crowds of people. His heart was pumping so fast that it almost felt like a butterfly had taken its place, fluttering around his in chest. He couldn’t decide what he had missed more, your one of a kind smile or those Y/E/C eyes that with a stare could drive him mad. Though the questioned answered itself when he saw a flash of you across the room. First he saw that gorgeous stare and then that smile spread across your face.

You saw Cedric from the other side of the train station and you were overjoyed to see him. As soon as your eyes met you could see him start to make his way over to you, almost plowing people down in the process. Wow… he’s very eager… you think as you wait for him to reach you. He doesn’t slow down as he gets closer and you almost want to back away, afraid of being run over. Instead he collides into your body, instantly grabbing you into the tightest embrace. His lips already covering yours and moving tenderly into a passionate kiss. You sink into his arms and against his lips and run your arms along his and around his neck. After sometime you try to break off the kiss, only to have Cedric pull you back.

While you were enjoying the attention, you were shocked by the sincerity he was displaying. Where was the sarcastic child who asked you to stay away longer so he could go to a quidditch match. You pulled away and help him at arms length and get a good look at him. The bags under his eyes were more noticeable in the bright light of the station and his pale skin seemed more ghostly than usual. 

“Cedric? Are you okay? You look terrible.” He manages to move closer to you, trying to hold you and memorise your body once more, as if you had changed so much in these days apart.

“I couldn’t sleep without you, Y/N. Even with all the blankets, I need you constantly being all over me. Qudditch isn't even any fun without you there, I hate that you weren’t there to distract me. I felt like I was floating on a broom without purpose, there was no snitch to catch because...that’s you. You are my snitch.” You can’t help but laugh out loud at his corny line. “Okay… Okay… I’m a little sleep deprived but without you there… life just lost all meaning.” Those words instead of tickling your funny bone, touched your heart and made you smirk with admiration for this man. You take his hand and rub a thumb along his hard knuckles.

“Well then, let’s give your life meaning again, shall we?” You nod to the exit and Cedric bends over and picks up your bags. He lets go of your hand and wraps a protective arms over your shoulders.

“Brilliant… except do you think we can take a nap?”

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