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chaosnoirjpg · 2 years

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cultivating joy list

Things that make me happy or think or whatever...[not limited to]

Fat babies

Tiny things

That boop sound from the mathematical video

Good music

Good poetry

Good art

good conversation

A genuine smile

A genuine laughter

Sunsets and sunrises

Cool rainy days

Cold rainy days

Sitting in my car while it rains

Jamming out to music in my car

Singing in the shower

Singing in my car

Being held by a loved one

Holding a loved one

Dancing with my dogs in the nighttime

Watching Ghibli films

Buttered bread

Reading Hannibal lecture books

Philosophical discussion

Breakfast food any time of the day

Coldwater on a humid night

Dancing in my room in the dark

Shitting in the bathroom in the dark

Baby cooing

Puppy's first a-wooo

Puppy hitching a ride on a duck

Baby hugs a puppy

Pizza.

Katsu curry.

Peach cobbler.

Banana pudding without the Banana.

Sweet potato pie.

Lovingly regarded without motive

Bear hugs

Gently petting

Loving caress

Being present

Mediating together

Writing love poems

Doing what you love

Doing what makes you smile

Paradoxical theories and ways of thought

Anthropology

Sociology

Social Science Ethnic Studies

The way people and the world think and move in the world

The light in your heart after you've processed and healed dense emotions

Creating for yourself only

Loving yourself completely

Inner knowing that you cannot deny

Child taller than their parents

Child taller than an adult

Younger sibling taller than older sibling

Musicians making music on the fly

Ppl saying birds aren't real

Horror movies

Comedy, drama, murder mystery movies

Ugly big mansions

Beautiful architecture

80's hair

Fucked hairstyles

Authenticity

Chill vibes

The color Teal

The smell of coffee

Soft and crunchy cookies

Chocolate long johns donuts

Waffles

Fried hard eggs

Pancakes

Buttered toast

Turkey bacon and sausage

Sausage and baked beans

Baked beans

Blackened salmon with veggies and mashed potatoes

Shroom tea

Clicky keyboard

Pill bottle sounds

Clicky pen/pencil

Pickles

Pickle juice

Cranberry juice

Moisturized skin

Dry brushing

Body tingles

Ant wars

Creatures in the sea

Conspiracy iceberg

The word sonder

The word moledro

Obscure emotions

Ambiguous colors: Teal, periwinkle, etc

Cool facial wipes

Made bed

Soft blankets

Soft pillows

Nice smelling candle

Fruit bowl

Houseplants

Flourishing garden

Sunlight

Starry night sky

Goya paintings

Orange juice

RnB soul

Emo rap

Alt rock

Common sense

The morning time

The night time

Soaking in the tub

Hot shower

Cool shower

Starting over

New perspective

Love songs from the 80's

Playing with their baby

Playing with their dog

Iridescent beetles

Iridescent bug wings

Iridescent anything

Not taking life seriously…bc the universe has a sick sense of humor my guy

Surfer dude accents

Scottish accents

Irish accents

Dinosaurs.

Vibing out

Chicago Architecture

Clean bathroom

Edibles

Tea hot and cold

River

Waterfall

Sense of awe and wonder

Sweet potato fries

Mom keeps buying off-brand cheerios by accident and now we have several boxes of non-brand cheerios

Ppl wearing glasses for aesthetic

Getting inebriated

Broad city

Flight of the concords

The office

Arrested development

New girl

The fountain movie and graphic novel

Shoulder massages

Tempura sushi

Good food with loved ones

Self-discovery

Hoodie

Big afro

Beautiful tattoos

Teeth

Rengoku

Demon slayer

Jujutsu kaisen

Nail art

Vincent Van Gogh

Vincent Van Gogh's brother and sister-in-law

Eyeliner art

Brain tickles

Hogwarts architecture

Indie movies

Indie music

Sagitterrorist lol

Scorpihoe lol

Thrift store

String instruments

Anime, dubbed teehee

Black boy joy

black men acting a dayum fool

titties

thighs

chicken thighs

flats

sweet chili sauce

thai food

spring rolls

Mothers approval

Dogs love

Animal affection

Pets love and affection

Nightmare core synthetic wave music

Puns like corny puns

Wednesdays

Thursdays

Fridays

Sunday risings

Skin care routines

Curly hair routines

Babies looking at themselves in the mirror

Babies being afraid of their own shadow

Musicians with beautiful minds and souls

Toothpaste

The right lipstick

Good hair days

Le twins

Twins in general

Black alternative gender-ambiguous beings

MUSIC:

RnB

RnB soul

Rap

Alt rock

Alt rap

Indie rock

House music

FOOD:

Thai food

Japanese tempura sushi

katsu curry

Chicken Tikka masla

Tea in general

Mac and cheese

Cheese toast

Chocolate chip cookies

Banana pudding no bananas

Peach cobbler

sweet potato pie

Jumex

Shrimp tacos

Blackened salmon

Lobster tails

Grilled chicken

Outback steakhouse

Strawberry banana smoothie

Egg rolls

Shrimp rolls

Teriyaki chicken

bourbon chicken

cookie dough ice cream

Caramel ice cream

Cookies and cream ice cream

Nachos

Loaded fries

Pizza

Sweet spicy chili wings

Crunchy fries

Honey mustard sauce

Caesar salad

Mediterranean sandwich/salad

Waffles

Pancakes

Ice coffee

Hashbrowns

eggs fried hard

peanutbuter and honey sandwich

tomatoe soup

Grilled oysters

Tuna salad

Pasta

ART:

Frances Goya

Vincent van gogh

LMJ works

Marc Rebillet

Kendrick Lamar

Kenny mason

Chris Fleming

Dave Chappell

bill hicks

Bo Burnham

Lakieth Stanfield

Le twins

Frankjavcee

whyt manga

Likelihood art

LANGUAGE//SAYINGS:

Think mark think

You got my head spinning out of control

Grief is love persisting

Everything the light touches is ours/our kingdom

Animals:

Quakka

Kasawari

emu

Ostrich

jaguar

cheetah

Jellyfish

octopus

squid

whale

Turtle

tortoise

dog

Cats on screen only

Crow

owl

frog

High animals From the vet

PLACES:

Africa

Australia

Japan

islands

Northern lights

The split sea

Nighttime glow Beach

Black sands Beach

Dessert

Mountains

redwood forest

THINGS:

Thighs

Titties

Clean teeth

sweet smile

Big expressive eyes

Sharp cat-eye makeup

Good lipstick

New purse smell

Purses that smell like a pleasant perfume or lotion

Cracking creme brulee

Dipping hands in a bag full of beans

Warm tea on a cool rainy day

Looking up at the sky to see the stars and moon

Feeling the rain on my skin

A warm bath by candlelight

Dinner by candlelight

Reading or journaling by candlelight

Sunbathing in a hammock

Sleeping under the stars

Genuine laughter

The look of love and affection

Completing a project

A job well done

Making it out alive

Dancing like no one is watching

Singing like no one is listening

A good book

Pillow fights

Intimate soulful talks at 3am

3am

Twilight

Dusk

Sunsets

Sunrises

Cold rain

Washed hair

Moisturizer

Body oil

Tea tree oil

Eucalyptus oil

Lavender oil

Intense burning

Lit candle

Oil burner

House plants

Clean kitchen

Hidden storage

Northern lights

Hot showers

Wine

Night drives

Pedicure

The clicking of heels

Keyboard clicks

Pills shifting in a bottle

Retractable pen clicks

Geometric architecture

Emerald windows

The color Teal

Looney toons

most ghibli movies

Afros

Edibles

Head massages

#joyful things #joy #cultivating joy #lists #healing #happiness is a skill #happiness is a choice #my post #my posts #thoughts #Abe the artist #art of abe #chaos noir #chaos noir jpg

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cappucinolia · 1 year

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cold air

in which joel sees grown-up sarah with a child of her own.

___

God knows he’s been looking for it for a long time. He doesn’t know what it is, but he knows he needs it. There’s a gap, an empty space inside his chest, his heart, and it aches to be filled. There’s this loss that cries out for years, pushing him to live to find a purpose, and as time went by, that search became his purpose. It was a paradox, a contradictory loop, one that baffled him to no end.

It was a search for something that died long ago.

And maybe it was the cold wind as he leaned heavily against the pole. Maybe it was because of the months he travelled with this young, feral girl. Maybe it was something Tommy said. Whatever the reason may be, it no longer mattered.

He was looking at her.

She was tall and graceful, snuggled in layers of cloth for warmth in the middle of Jackson. Hell, she was almost as tall as him. Her eyes were lit up with joy, her smile bright, her face mature as she was only two years shy of his age twenty years ago.

“Pretty sure you should be wearing diapers by now,” she joked. Sarah stood in the midst of the crowd. Not that the crowd mattered to Joel. He was focused on her, on his child, on the loss that grieved his heart for years that passed and years to come. She stood in front of him, the gap in his chest that yearned to be filled.

Of course. It was her that he sought to find for years.

“It’d be funny to see you in your own nappies while doing the diaper duty with Allie,” spoke Sarah again. It was then that he noticed a toddler holding his child’s hand. Joel gave a small chuckle, his eyes instantly welling with tears. He tried to come up with a smart comment, but had nothing to say. Instead, he admired the view in front of him; his child, with a seemingly normal life all while the world is ending. Little Allie with wide eyes and untamed curls.

“I love you, baby girl,” was all he could say. He was afraid to take a step, afraid to touch her, afraid to lose her again. “I’m sorry I forgot that pancake mix. And the cake. I’d fucking buy hundreds for you if I could,” he cried, every word he says tinged with regret. “I’d work shorter hours, we’d be together all the time, you and I. We’ll drink orange juice and eat eggshells every morning. Those fucking eggshells tasted divine, sweetheart.” He was slowly filled with memories of their last day together, and those memories became the tears that clouded his vision and hid her from his sight. Joel furiously wiped away the tears, not wanting to lose sight of her again.

Soft hands reached for him, and the touch was familiar, because it was who Sarah was, who she is, and everything she could have been. He thought of the day he lost her, thinking that if only he arrived home earlier, if Tommy was the one with Sarah, if--

“You did everything you could,” she whispered in his ear. “I love you, Dad. You didn’t fail me. You loved me in all the ways I needed to be loved, and I couldn’t ask for more.”

He felt her warm embrace, and he hurriedly hugged her back, desperate to bask in her present once again, as it was before everything was lost. He felt himself being healed, renewed, all the damage this wretched world did to him being undone.

In that moment it was just them, and in that moment, Joel found his peace.

---

#tlou #tlou series #joel miller #sarah miller #the last of us #joel miller angst

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j0hb0y · 2 months

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Hiya Papaya! 👋

I played some games during the steam next fest:

Backpack Battles: It's quite addicting! This one is pretty good during a short break.

Master of Vtuber: This one was just okay. It didn't really catch me, but i can see it getting a small following! Maybe as a livestream it could work. SPEAKING OF one of the characters is an actual Vtuber

Dream Tactics: I really love this game!! It's a good combination of a card game and fire emblem, it's a great strategy game and it's cute too! Plus there's a bunny character!!! Dream Tactics was a really good suprise, the hidden gem if i can call it that.

The Touhou Empires: It's a decent real-time strategy game. I'm not that into the genre so i take my words with salt, but i like it because i didn't feel completely lost! Just a little bit

Astral Party: It's a fun party game! The characters are real cute and there's a bunny girl in it!! Got to play it with 3 friends and it was pretty funny because it's easy to pick up. Kinda like 100% Orange Juice

Rebirth of Arcadia: It's kinda weird that the story and the gameplay are in two different sub-categories. The Gameplay was fine though, but didn't catch me.

Millenia: It's alright, i think it'll improve with time. Just like almost every Paradox game does. (We don't talk about the battle animation)

Star Knightess Aura: The prolouge is really really long. This is a Rpgmaker game and i like those. I can feel the passion, but maybe a little bit less prolouge. It's good and important, but it's just too much text. Okay, my curse struck again... It's a hentai game

Guild Saga: Vanished Worlds: This game has a gorgeous artstyle! It's a cool turn-based combat game with a good portion of customization. However, it would be nice to have a short tutorial or tooltips because i was clueless which skills had what impact on gameplay.

Welcome to Planet E1d0r4d0!: This game was a weird yet charming one! I like the combination of farming and serving people. It kinda reminds me of Va11 Hall-A (Note: i played that game for an hour).

Never Grave: The Witch and The Curse: That's a really cool rougelite! The menu was a bit hard to use because the pointer kept moving around (it could be that my controller started to drift). I really like the idea of rebuilding that village yourself, meaning placing stuff wherever you like!

Shanghai Summer: I really love this visual novel! The atmosphere, the characters, the mystery that they build and the end of the demo! This game actually released this week in full so i'll be playing that pretty soon!

To pick out my 3 favs this year (not ordered): Dream Tactics, Astral Party and Shanghai Summer.

However, i wish i had more time to play even more demos because many looked real good. Sadly, today is the final day.

I really love the steam next fest a lot and i'm glad it exists!

#steam next fest #steam next fest 2024

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abuseofcats · 2 years

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Visuality

Second file

Chapter III.

How to name a characteristic that is quite unique and common to all images? A property that is not transferable and describable by other senses? We agree that there is not much point in writing about the taste of Mom's chicken broth. We can use words and numbers to describe in detail the ingredients, the method of preparation and serving, but the taste it leaves on the tongue cannot be conveyed to the reader by text alone, let alone the feeling of a full stomach. It is possible that our body, like pawlov's dog, will react to such a text by secreting gastric juices, but this experience is certainly incomparable to the actual experience of tasting the food. Such a text, however, will have an entirely different effect on the reader. It will not satisfy in the least the nutritional requirements of the body's metabolism, but it will satisfy our need for literary experience, our intellectual hunger.

Taste is, in addition to being a human sense, that is, the ability of specific chemical receptors on the surface of the tongue in combination with olfactory receptors in the nasal cavity to interpret in consciousness the chemical composition of the food consumed, i tis as well a specific quality, a sensation that we can feel on the tongue. Taste is not easy fo interpret, it can only be described by comparing it to another already known taste. However, no one expects my memory of the taste of chicken broth to be the same as yours. It has only a referential value; it can only frame the experience we can expect, but certainly the description of the experience cannot convey to you the sensation in all its content and complexity. This is why dining together is such a beautiful experience and is part of tradition, national culture, everyday social life.

But what about the image? There is a great lack of adequate words to describe the visual sensation in visual art. Of course, we can describe compositional elements, shapes, colours, etc., but these are similar to the equivalents of basic tastes. Just as sweetness of honey is different from the sweetness of a strawberry, so wet grass at sunrise has a different quality of green than the grass of a freshly fertilized and pesticide-drenched golf course lawn. Is there even a word that describes the quality of visual perception? Something like visual taste? Visuality seems to be the most appropriate word. But visuality itself has one pitfall. It is often invisible, paradoxically. Visual sensations tend to directly influence thought processes. We tend to immediately start looking for meaning, a message, an idea, words in an image. In the flood of these associations, visuality is often completely lost. However, everyday life clearly shows that if we want to get vitamin C into our bodies, we should not choose a raw potato, but rather an apple or an orange. Just because of the taste. In the same way, pictorial information is also subject to selection based on visual taste. If we want to see a floral still life, we have a choice between the product of a commercial photo bank and a visit to the Louvre. Probably no one would dare to claim that these perceptions are inherently identical. Art nowadays appears in many non-art contexts as well. We look for various universal facts and messages in it, qualities measurable with a ruler. But art is not a scientific discipline in the traditional sense any more than culinary art is. We may find many historical facts and nutritional values in a recipe from grandma, but no one would look to it for a way to end famine or cure disease. Yet it has value for us. So it is with images. They are not saturated with scientific knowledge, but they are essential to society. It is therefore necessary to recognize the sovereignty of the image and to distinguish it from illustration. To see visuality as the main contribution of an image and to appreciate the sensation it can evoke. Perhaps one day we will see a situation where you invite a good friend over for dinner and instead of having dessert, you share a beautiful painting together.

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harveyb-wabbit92 · 4 years

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[Dante having tiny quarter size pancakes for breakfast with his family.]

Nero: [grimacing at his breakfast.] can I have more pancakes?

Dante: you’ve had ten already Nero, don’t be a pig...

Vergil: *reads newspaper*

Dante: we need to save every penny we can...

Gaila: [pouring orange juice]

Dante: Sweetie, easy on the orange juice that stuff doesn’t grow on tre-... Wait a minute, yes it does! So why is it so damn expensive?

#source: malcolm in the middle #devil may cry #Dad! Dante au #Gaila Sparda #Dante Sparda #vergil sparda #nero sparda #devil may cry 5 #devil may cry incorrect quotes #orange juice paradox

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my-personal-bookclub · 4 years

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Insomnia and Orange Juice (18+)

Or “Omg they were bedmates ft. a little porn” by snowandfire on Ao3

“When’s the last time you slept?”

“I don’t know. 1998?”

“Dude. You were three.”

“I don’t need sleep, Sokka. I need answers!”

OR: Zuko can't sleep until Sokka's in bed with him. Sokka has no idea why. But eventually, he figures it out.

MY SUMMARY

Zuko’s asshole dad gives him impossible “assignments” every few months and almost kills himself trying to figure them out and get his father’s approval. He doesn’t eat, he doesn’t sleep, he just researches scientific paradoxes until he physically breaks down. Until one day, Sokka sees him drink Orange Juice straight out of the container and decides he must stop this sleep deprived fiend that is his roommate. He goes with the most logical conclusion and stays in his room all night, and eventually in his bed all night. (Both of them are SO oblivious and SO dumb, but not stupid)

MY THOUGHTS (kinda spoilers but out of context) BELOW THE CUT

I love this. I think the whole “Zuko literally offers to give Sokka a blowjob (and does) then they pretend it doesn’t happen” is so fucking funny. like imagine??? They have half a brain cell combined i swear. Sokka’s like idk if he likes me we’ve only had sex once and we cuddle every night!!! I love my dumbass sons. Also? Sokka going on several dates and prepping to have sex with this chick, then randomly being like “no i can’t my best bro needs me to sleep!” and kissing him? genius, I think Sokka had like 2 whole brain cells in that moment what a fucking chad

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wackapedia · 3 years

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Lucky Star

Soulmate au! Yoongi x idol reader where corporations fuck things over as usual. slightly dystopian warnings: mentions of blood, murder but not so graphic, angst 1.7k You were leaning upright inside a containment in the middle of the ridiculously bright room of the facility. The rough material of medical scrubs rubbing against your skin while several wires and tubes are connected to your body. As the containment tilts to make you lie horizontally. "Commencing cryogenic stasis" The gentle robotic voice alerts. you close your eyes and remember the events of the past week. "ProtoGen Inc. has been the world's leading resource developer for modern technology. From Smartphones, Appliances, Transportation, and Medical Technology. ProtoGen is also partnering with Yong-Soon Farms to create Genetically-modified livestock, to fill the global supply. Today, ProtoGen takes on the entertainment industry as we launch the world's first Artificially-Enhanced girl group. Please welcome, Lucky Star!" The curtains rise to reveal three girls standing with perfect posture. The crowd jumbles to get a clear view, flashing their cameras boldly to the three girls. The camera flashes would blind a normal person, but the Lucky Star Girls were nowhere near normal. You and your groupmates bow simultaneously. "Hello! We are Lucky Star!"

---------- "'ProtoGen Inc., debuts world's first AI-Enhanced girl group' whatever the fuck that means," Taehyung reads the headline of an article as he scrolls through his pad, slurping his soggy cereal. "Are they aliens?" Jungkook asks, peeling his third hard-boiled egg for the day. "I'm pretty sure we haven't discovered alien life yet, Kook..." Jimin sighs from the kitchen. "That's what they want you to think!" Namjoon continues to read the article, squinting over Taehyung's shoulder while unknowingly spilling his orange juice down the younger's Gucci trousers as Jimin talks Jungkook out of the thought of meeting aliens in the near future. This was the scene that greets Yoongi as he descends the stairs. "What's going on?" He asks, heading straight to the coffee machine. "Aliens!" Jungkook enthusiastically answers. Too enthusiastic at 8am. "That AI girl group just debuted." Namjoon fills in. "Called Lucky Star". "Okay, what does that have to do with aliens?" "Nothing! Jungkook here was just being imaginative!" Jimin continues to buzz with Jungkook talking over him. Yoongi sighs as he finishes preparing his coffee and heads back upstairs to his home office. "Whatever." He mutters, leaving them to continue reading the article and discuss alien life. "Local K-Pop fans continue to protest for the girls' human rights despite- AHH HYUNG! YOUR JUICE!!" Taehyung finally realizes the coldness seeping through his thigh, seeing a large orange stain on his outfit. ---------- Immediately after your first live performance in a music awards show, you meet other idol groups queueing up for the stage. A girl you know as Jennie glares at Yue who glares back at her with hostility. You were escorted to your private dressing rooms where the CEO of ProtoGen himself waited. "How did we do, chief?" May, the main dancer asks as soon as she enters. "It was good..." Chairman Han answers, putting down the tablet after scrolling through the articles about Lucky Star. "But not good enough." "Excuse me? You programmed us to perfection and you think we weren't good enough?" Yue, the leader and the most developed speaks up. Her android programming allowed her to quickly learn from her surroundings, allowing her to have some form of a freewill. "Leave us." Chairman Han addresses the group of wardrobe and makeup assistants, leaving you three with him and the programming director of the Lucky Star project. The door opens just as you caught a glance of the group of men marching toward the backstage. One of them stops and makes eye contact with you, his cat-like eyes freezes you in place and the familiar mark on top of his wrist causes your heart to skip a beat. And then the door shuts again. A robotic freewill is considered as a paradoxical flaw in programming. A resultant factor of several integral aspects that can not be substituted without compromising the quality of the output. You learned this during your time at the facility at a young age, picking up IT jargon while they infused the enhancement serum into your system. Contrary to what most believe, the Lucky Star girls are actually part human. May was human, farmed and fertilized in a test tube. Yue was the least human. You witnessed how she was constructed in the facility for over 20 years. She was considered as the most developed among all humanoid robots in existence. You were a normal human, born 25 years ago, injected with all sorts of chemical enhancements, but still human enough to don a soulmate mark on the top side of your wrist. You are witnessing how technologically advanced Yue is when she sharply talks back to Chairman Han who was verbally abusing her about her lack of energy during the performance. "You were created to entertain, and yet here you are, presenting a mediocre performance, shaming my company in a pitiful excuse of a performance!" The chairman's heavy hand lands on Yue's artificially manufactured cheek. There was an awkward silence before Yue pushes the chairman against the mirrored wall of the dressing room, cracking it against the Chairman's skull. The programming director moves to stop her but his efforts are futile when Yue drives the narrow edge of a contour brush through the chairman's head. Blood stains Yue's glittery costume. ---------------- Hoseok animatedly reviews their performance as he leads the group to their assigned dressing rooms. Jin laughs at how Jimin almost slipped at the stage. All seven of them are halted in their steps when a crowd of paramedics gather at one of the dressing rooms. "What happened?" Namjoon asks a personnel of ProtoGen Medical as a mortuary trolley gets dragged out of the room. "Oh my god did someone die?" Jungkook loudly questions, earning him a 'Shut up' from his hyungs. Namjoon gets ignored by the personnel as they were escorted away from the crime scene. Yoongi clearly remembers seeing you in the room minutes before their performance and wonders if you're okay. "ProtoGen Ceo Han Sung-Hoon dies of Heart Attack" Jimin reads the headline of an online article the morning after the music awards. "We all know that's not what happened." Taehyung replies. "We shouldn't speculate..." Namjoon comments. "Big Hit warned us not to get involved." "What? We were the only ones who saw the medics last night!" Yoongi answers, scrolling through the pictures from last night's event, trying to spot anything peculiar. He pauses at the group photo of that AI-enhanced girl group, his eyes zero-ing in on a familiar mark on your wrist. "Which is why they asked us not to get involved." Namjoon stresses again. "We wont get involved if they tell us what happened!" Jungkook states. Just then, their manager walks up to the dining area, overhearing the maknae's sentiments. "Sit down. I'll tell you what happened." The manager declares, causing all seven to settle down. ------------ "Commencing cryogenic stasis" The gentle robotic voice alerts. White smokes of gas fill the chamber, causing your eyes to water despite tightly shutting them. Your panicked heartbeat erratically rattles your chest, feeling the sense of claustrophobia despite being in the spacious chamber. ProtoGen has decided to put down the Lucky Star project after last night's event. Yue has been dismantled into particles the moment she arrived in a crate in the facility. Her programming became too much to control, causing her to go on a murder spree at the dressing room last night. She annihilated Chairman Han and May. Before she choked the air out of you, she asked you to join her in taking the fame and be the most popular artist. This was her only motivation as she was programmed to be an artist. You politely declined, explaining to her that you were not a humanoid like her, to which she did not understand. She tightens her grip on your neck before she was shut down by the programming director who eventually bled out and died. The ProtoGen staff immediately answered to the situation, cleared up the place and dealt with the media. You were brought to the facility to where the board of directors decided to have you placed in cryogenic freeze until they found a way to separate the flawed formula of the serum in your system. The glass window of the chamber fogs up. Your vision becomes blurry and the engine noises become muffled as you sink into cryo-stasis. and then it stops. The Cryo chamber tilts to an upright position but doesn't unlock. a group of people in labcoats enter the room, escorting a group of men who gather around you. One of them immediately positions himself directly in front of the glass window. ---------- "You have two minutes." Doctor Sharp lets all seven of them in the room. Yoongi immediately knocks on the closed chamber, desperate to see you awake. "Hey y/n.. Its me.." He shows you his soulmate mark through the fogged up glass. He notices a spark of recognition in your eyes, encouraging him to go on. "I'm sorry there's no way for me to get you out of here. But when you come out, I'll find you. I may have to take up another form in the next life, but you'll still be you. So I'll come find you, okay?" Yoongi stutters but continues to make the most out of his last minute, wiping the tears from his eyes. "I'm sorry it had to end this way. But it isn't really the end..." "Your time is up. Please leave the room peacefully while you can." ---------- You look up to the man who you remember to be one of the idols from last night's event. He tries to tell you something but all you can hear is his muffled unintelligible voice through layers of metal and plexiglass. He shows you his soulmate mark which was identical to yours. You smile. He continues to talk with tears in his eyes and all you could do was to wander your eyes on his face, hoping to dream of him for the next 50 years of cryo-stasis. He is eventually escorted out of the room, and the chamber tilts back to continue the process. You peacefully close your eyes and inhale the sleeping gas as years of sleep take over you. ---------- "BTS Spotted leaving ProtoGen facility after Lucky Star project shutdown" Taehyung quietly reads the headline as Namjoon reads over his shoulder. "Such a shame Yoongi-hyung found and lost her in such a short time..." Namjoon sighs.

#yoongi x reader #fic #bts #min yoongi x reader #suga x reader #yoongi angst

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thingsmk1120sayz · 4 years

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Watch "Orange Juice Paradox" on YouTube

youtube

#Youtube

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nevergiveupneverrun · 4 years

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Bodyguard - Chapter Forty-Nine “Collateral Damage”

Hello everybody, how are you? Here is chapter Forty-Nine of my Story Bodyguard. I hope you will like this chapter.

I’m sorry in advance for the mistakes… English isn’t my first language and I do my best. Here is the link to the previous chapter: Click Here.

I hope you will enjoy this chapter :) 💛

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The drip from the coffee maker mobilizes my concentration.

The second coffee I make in the morning when it’s only 9:30 am.

The fault of an early morning awakening… and a restless and light sleep when I have been awake since 5:30 am and my night is only a few hours.

Yesterday’s events haunted me all night: the new image of Amelia, her behavior and her words that still obsess me.

“I understand that you don’t want me “.

All her injuries summarized in a few words: I know her story, the tricks of her life, the shortcomings she had to endure. And I find myself despite myself being the one who reopens and stirs up her deep pains.

She wanted to hurt herself yesterday. in an extreme process of self-destruction.

And I was there for something, by confronting her again with a rejection…

I almost disgust myself.

But I can’t give her what she expects.

I will not be up to it, I don’t know how to do what she asks. I forgot… and buried everything deep inside.

However, those hours of thinking led me to a resolution: trying to forgive myself. Make her life easier, be attentive but without crossing the red line…

She was fragile and vulnerable.

And paradoxically, having experienced these difficult moments made me stronger: now I knew the pain I was causing her by giving her the illusion of an impossible relationship, I had the will and the strength that I lacked until then.

To silence urges and desires.

To overcome temptation.

Involved in my work, but without mixing genre, dissociating feelings and attachment.

And my resolution takes effect this morning.

I patiently wait for her in the kitchen.

I had known Amelia well for many months spent together and I knew that breakfast was the time of the day that she preferred: she liked taking time, quietly savoring these first moments by reading a few lines, scribbling a song or humming, guitar in hand.

Quite naturally, simple attention had come to my mind: attention that could touch her but also make the apartment more pleasant and less cold.

So I was making her breakfast.

The table was set with a small bouquet of pink peonies that I had ordered to brighten up the kitchen bar.

Coffee was running.

Orange juice, jam, and Nutella are gathered near the plates.

Some crepes that I cooked are waiting warm under a cloche.

Just like a box of cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory and donuts from Top Pot Doughnuts that I had delivered… like after the attack we suffered after her concert.

I hear muffled steps gradually approaching me.

The visual quickly adds to the sound and I discover Amelia, already prepared and dressed for the day.

I scrutinize her face and I am quickly reassured by crossing her eyes: I find the spark and the usual glow in her gaze, and no longer these two distressing pupils that I had observed the day before.

She stops a few meters from the kitchen bar: I notice the path of her gaze which passes from the coffee maker to the flowers, then to the food staged by me.

- Good morning, how are you feeling?

She stays silent for a few seconds, then stares at me intensely.

- I’m fine, the headache is gone. It’s not the best night of my life, but I’m pretty much rested…

- You look better than yesterday, anyway, I say with a smile. You want some coffee?

She nods and I go-ahead to prepare her cup.

When I turned around with her cup in hand, she has strangely not moved, still a reasonable distance from the kitchen bar.

- Settle down… I proposed shyly, surprised by her reserve.

- What does it mean, Owen? She ends up asking while deciding to sit down.

- It’s a breakfast, you know the concept, I think, I answer with a touch of humor.

A facade mood to try to hide my embarrassment in front of her unenthusiastic reaction.

- Flowers, cheesecakes and even crepe you made yourself? She questions by unhooking the plate. You explain the opportunity to me? The reason or all this?

- It’s just breakfast, Amelia.

- Usually, my breakfast is a coffee with some toast… not cheesecakes from the Cheesecake Factory or donuts from Top Pot Doughnut…

- I thought it was a great way to start the day. Yesterday was a bit stressful and it might make you feel better in this new apartment. I know you enjoy this time of day. Come on, enjoy it, please don’t worry, I insisted, handing her a piece of vanilla cheesecake, one of those she prefers.

She takes it with the tips of her fingers and enjoys a bite but keeps her attention on me.

I felt like I was being studied from every angle as if she was trying to better understand the situation through my attitude.

- I don’t understand… she ends up announcing after finishing her cheesecake.

- Sorry?

- Why are you doing this, Owen? What are you looking for with this breakfast?

- I told you… it’s so that you can adapt a little faster to your new home.

- And why do you think it will help me?

- Because I know you like having a big breakfast like that. I thought you would like it.

- That makes me happy… but why you want to make me happy, that’s what I don’t understand…

- If you simply enjoyed it, I answer with a slight smile, destabilized by all the questions she raises me.

- Have you done this in the past?

- Yes, it happens to me regularly to prepare breakfast, I resume laughing slightly.

- Do not pretend to not understand, she continues seriously. I asked you the question as part of your duties: have you often done breakfast for one of your clients? Have you ever bothered to order her favorite flowers? To cook crepes at 8am? To buy donuts with her favorite tastes because it is her guilty pleasure?

- Listen, I just wanted to please you after a difficult day, if you…

- Have you often wanted to please your clients? She asks me cutting me in my sentence.

The video doorbell rings suddenly.

A timely interruption for me: Amelia’s question put me in a delicate situation… what could I answer?

Confess to her that I am disgusted with myself?

That I don’t want her to hate me and that I’m just trying to redeem myself in her eyes?

That I don’t want to see her suffer like yesterday again?

But where her question touches a sensitive point is that my reaction is out of place while I work for her: I should not worry as much about our relationship… let’s say, human.

And she was right: I had never bothered to do all this for a client… the only one, for which I had made so much effort, was for the one who broke my heart.

The one who made me understand the utopia of love.

I leave the kitchen in a hurry, taking full advantage of this loophole.

I immediately recognize Meredith’s face on the videophone screen.

- Good morning, Meredith, I open and unlock our lift for you.

- Good morning and thank you, she answers.

- Who is it?

I turn around at the sound of Amelia’s voice which seems very close to me: she is actually only a few steps from me.

- It’s Meredith.

- There is a problem?

- Uh… I didn’t ask her why she was there so early… I opened her directly…

Caught up in my eagerness to find a distraction from our conversation, I actually didn’t even bother to pin down the reason for her presence so early in the morning.

The doorbell rings and I open immediately, standing in front of the door.

Meredith appears to us with a big smile.

- Good morning Owen, and Hi sweetie, she announces, hugging Amelia.

- Hello Mer, what makes us worth your visit so early in the morning? Hastens to ask Amelia while leading her to the living room.

I follow the two women while staying at a distance while they settle on the sofa.

- Well, I have bad news… and a super-duper mega good news, Meredith answers with a big smile. Which one do you want first?

- Give me the wrong one, that way you comfort me with the other one, replies Amelia.

- Ok, then the bad news concerns your foundation and more specifically the construction of the new welcome house. We didn’t manage to find construction companies partners for the project, in any case, none who see the project agrees to work for the budget of 500,000 dollars that you propose.

I watch Amelia and I see a serious look taking place on her face.

- Bernard let us down on this one?

I don't know who this Bernard is, but I guess he’s the boss of a construction company, that Amelia must know.

- I got him on the phone, he was really sorry, I assure you, but you know the economic climate at the moment… he simply cannot afford to accept to work at this price for a project which will occupy a third of his team for six months.

- How much should be added to make it reasonable in the current context? Questions Amelia directly.

- I know what you are thinking Amelia, and you have nothing to finance it alone…

- I can add 200,000 dollars on the 500,000 starting that I released, persists the singer.

- It won’t be enough… we talk about a lot more… sighs Meredith.

- How much?

- Your project has been estimated to be at least $2 million… and Bernard would be ready to make an effort but below 1.5 million, he cannot commit the future of his business.

- Of course, I understand… responds weakly, Amelia.

I feel the disappointment in her response, but also the sign that she is already thinking about a remedy.

- We must find a patron, support to finalize the funding, she continues, already revived with a strong conviction.

- Exactly, but you have to go fast, says Meredith as a warning. Bernard is ready to hire his teams, but he only leaves us a few days to confirm whether or not we are continuing the project. He has a Seattle City hall adjudication in the balance and given the context, he cannot let such a site slip through his fingers.

- A few days? But I won’t have time in a few days. I need to schedule meetings. That I do a little tour of the different networks that can be activated… I will not find this amount with a single contributor, we will have to convince several.

- Not sure… retorts Meredith mysteriously.

- Can you tell me who would be willing to drop two million dollars for my project in the minute?

I can see a strong and firm look between the two young women, as an exchange without words.

- No, I don’t want to ask him, says Amelia. I will be too indebted to him then, he would benefit in his interest.

- But it’s an effective track that would solve all the problems.

- There must be another solution… insists Amelia.

- Listen, I know the context since yesterday, I already spent a lot of calls, I studied the problem from every angle and I didn’t find any other alternative, believe me… so please, take some time to think about it…

- Ok, I’ll think about it, I promise, concedes Amelia. Well, give me this great news now because I need it.

Meredith smiles and grabs her purse, placed at her feet, to take out a letter.

- Do you know what’s going on in 15 days? A fairly important musical event…

- Yes, the Music Awards… they want me to sing, right? Replies Amelia.

- Actually, they would like you to perform a song and a little more… continues Meredith in a mysterious air.

- Two songs? Asks Amelia in a smile.

- No, remember the purpose of this evening is to award prizes and you are nominated, sweetie… in two categories! Concludes Meredith a little louder, dropping the news directly, unable to keep it to herself anymore.

- What? Am I nominated for an award? Resumes Amelia, stunned by the information.

I cannot help smiling when I see her react in this way but also when I hear this news: with a feeling of pride and satisfaction that settles in me.

- Two prizes! Best female artist and best pop/folk album of the year.

- Wow, I don’t believe it, whispers Amelia.

- I am so happy for you. You deserve it so much, after all this work, finally the consecration of being recognized by the profession.

Meredith then hands Amelia the official letter informing of her appointment.

I approach slowly the two young women to react in my turn to this good news.

- Congratulations Amelia, I’m delighted for you.

She reads the letter then looks up at me, with a slight smile.

- You see, I couldn’t wait to tell you this, and I wanted to tell you visually and not by phone. So in two weeks, direction Los Angeles!

- Thank you, Meredith, Amelia continues taking her manager in her arms for a few moments.

- You’re welcome, but I have nothing to do with it. On the other hand, now that I have done my duty as a messenger, I will have to leave you, my jobs call me. So you keep this little door opener very preciously and you think about what I told you.

- It’s okay, Mer. See you quickly to talk about all this again.

- Good day to you both. Owen, do not bother you, I know how to take it out, concludes Meredith in a wink.

A door slam sounds quickly indicating the actual departure of Meredith from the apartment.

I reposition myself in front of Amelia, in front of the sofa.

Her gaze is lowered on the letter Meredith gave her as if she still didn’t believe it.

- As Meredith said, it’s deserved. I sincerely hope that you will win these awards.

- Don’t tell me that kind of thing, Owen, she suddenly announces, looking up at me and leaving the couch.

She takes a few steps forward: she turns her back on me and I can’t make out her face which would have shed light on her state of mind.

- Which things?

- These remarks where I detect almost a point of pride… how do you want that…

- Please, look at me when you’re speaking, I don’t understand what you’re implying.

She shrugs then turns around and I can see wet eyes facing me.

- How do you want me to stop wanting more? When you talk to me like that? That you give me attention that no man has…

- Excuse me, I said coming closer to her. I didn’t mean to complicate things.

- But you do. I can’t do it, you see. I can’t see you, like just a bodyguard when you act like this morning when you talk to me like you just did. I see you as a man… like a…

She doesn’t finish her sentence: I perceive the emotion and the distress which gin her in front of the situation. And I feel helpless because I don’t see what option to offer her, what solution to put in place.

- In a few days, everything will be less complicated, over time, the memories of… the night we spent will be less vivid.

- I don’t think so… it’s not only that… listen, I’m going through all of this in my head and I’m still at the same dead end… and I see only one solution…

- Ok, tell me, and I promise you that I will follow whatever you ask me.

She looks down for a moment to break our connection then finds my gaze to tell me what she has in mind.

- I put an end to your contract, Owen.

- What?

- Listen, I can’t do it… I can’t do it anymore… so consider that from now on, you’re no longer working for me. You can stay here for another day or two, enough time to stay somewhere else or find a hotel.

- Really? Is that the solution you see? Ask me to leave? And your security in all of this?

I do a series of questions in a breath. Everything is jostling in my head.

- I haven’t had any new threats since we got home. This crazy may have gotten tired… or found another target… and at worst, I will hire someone else.

- If Richard had chosen me, it was because he trusted me to protect you, me and no one else, don’t forget that choice…

- Don’t talk about Richard, please. He made a choice, but I can make mine too…

- Please take the time to think about it, I insisted. I will make all the efforts you want… if something happens to you… I will not be quiet knowing that…

I will blame myself all my life, I continue internally, without expression out loud all my fears and my helplessness upon hearing her decision.

- Owen, it’s not your problem anymore.

- And for the ceremony, how will you do?

- That’s still far away, I’ll notify by then…

- He will necessarily try something at this time, your nominations will be quickly publicized. I’m not used to not finishing my missions, I argued as last resort.

- I always have the choice not to go to this ceremony, she whispers weakly. Respect my decision, please… I can’t split things up like you do and I don’t want to create a situation that will destroy me slowly.

I stare at her intensely while trying to spot a point of doubt or hesitation.

But nothing of the sort, a look touched by emotion but reflection a firm conviction.

- Ok… I dropped in a whisper, like a fighter giving up arms.

- You can go to the record company, I will tell Meredith to pay you for the balance of the contract.

- As you wish, I answer absently.

The situation seems almost unreal to me. And yet…

- You will thank Nathan and Jackson for all their help during these long months, I really appreciated all their efforts and in particular the discovery of this apartment. I hope I can continue to live there, even if you don’t work for me anymore?

- Uh… yes, you can without a problem…

A silence settles down then: a heavy silence while we observe ourselves face to face.

I study her face while realizing that it is potentially the last minutes that I share with her in this way. The last moments when I can draw her like this. And the deepest regrets take bold of me.

My unforgivable error turns out to be fraught with consequences: a real cataclysm… I never imagined that Amelia would come to ask me to leave…

- I have phone calls to make, so…

- Of course, I will… I will pack my things…

- If I am in conversation when you’re done, can you put your keys on the kitchen bar?

Her innocently pronounced request tenses me up, she visibly pushes me toward the exit.

Not a day or two of respite, finally…

- Yes, don’t worry.

She swings from one foot to the other for a few seconds, then speaks weakly.

- Thank you for everything, Owen… without you, I might not be here anymore… and you have been very supportive in recent weeks… I am really grateful for all that you have done and for your constant investment in protecting me… and… I wish you the best for the future.

- Thank you, Amelia… good luck… and…

I don’t know how to continue. I would have so much to say to her: that she be careful, that she has more self-confidence… that I regret so much everything that happened…

But especially that I apologize for being who I am. With his pains, his cracks and his chronic inability to open up to others… and to believe in the idea of loving without suffering.

- Be happy, I end up saying weakly.

She smiles shyly at me.

I await a little feverish contact, a gesture, but she finally exceeds me without touching me but giving me a last intense look and a wonderful smile.

I turn around to follow her with my eyes until I no longer see her as she turns down the hall to reach her room.

More than a vacuum then around me.

I only now notice the beating of my heart: fast and strong in my chest.

But every beat hurts like my heart is cracking…

As if something had been ripped from me.

But no one but me to blame.

I am my own executioner… and probably also her own…

–––––––––––––––––––––––

Thank you for reading. Please don’t cry... Have a great week 💛

#bodyguard #fanfic #greysanatomy #Meredith Grey #amelia shepherd #owen x amelia #amelia x owen #Owen Hunt #omelia #omelia fanfiction #omeliafics

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sasorikigai · 4 years

Text

The sun is not in the horizon yet — rain pitter patters the windows as summer’s drizzle shines upon the city — cars pass by, water sizzling like frying steaks against asphalt. The digital clock speaks of 3:28 AM in neon letters next to two lit candles. He cannot stay past dawn: too dangerous, and the twins would see him; ask questions. They already do, always asking about where daddy is, why isn’t he here? Why won’t he come home from abroad? They don’t know he’s never far, that sometimes he visits them in slumber as he does Rebecca when threats of the Syndicate finding their mother and by proxy, Midori and Sacha, is low enough. They must stay off the radar, as inconspicuous as possible all the while providing them as normal a life as they can.

There is no special occasion tonight — this morning — no, that’s false, there is something to celebrate about: Rebecca and Hanzo’s reunion, even short lived, is enough to fill her heart to the brim, and then to break it to pieces when he has to leave in a couple of hours… lord only knows for how long this time, and the puzzle doesn’t always fit together when she tries to piece herself back whole — not until he returns to her.

Gently she wakes the sleeping beast with fingers threading through his hair, sits by his side with a long tray on her lap. The smell of warm sugar and coffee has begun its aromatic ribbons swirl like a mist at daybreak, comforting and soothing. When finally he escapes sleep, Rebecca presses her lips to Hanzo’s brow before inviting him to sit, propping the pillow against the back wall — settles the wooden tray atop his lap then, from which he is met with fresh fruit wrapped in a two thick pancakes topped with a dollop of whipped cream and garnished with a strawberry, syrup and powdered sugar. Orange juice and coffee next to one another, and the utensils are neatly placed on each side of the plate.

The flames flicker, birth shadows on the walls, shadows upon their features, and Rebecca offers a smile, albeit a slight melancholic. ❝Wanted to do a little something special before you leave. No pizza this time. Just the good stuff.❞

MAKE MY CHARACTER FEEL LOVED. || @desxderium || ALWAYS ACCEPTING

💥|| The sound of silence echoes loudly in his ears, mute muscle memory paralyzed between clenched teeth and tongue-tied truth. Clouds drifting above whisper sustenance as droplets seep through saturated thick haze and mist. Truth resides there, seeking release, in desperate yearning and want and desire, only to fade with each lingering thought that ceases to exist. Unless the Syndicate is imploded from within, its trace demolished and dismantled in complete rubble, Commander Hasashi will never be able to live the quotidian life of being a husband and a father; so he keeps his sharp radar on, at all times, even asking some of his precinct connections to keep him up with the latest news of the twins. The preschool they are attending already know them as fatherless children; deployed abroad, whereabouts surreptitious and unknown at times. Hanzo’s sharp, almost eidetic memory will forever etch their features, carved and tattooed on his heart and psyche. He must fight the damned temptation, lest he sheds waterfalls of emotion-riddled tears, damning his existence as he would let himself forged, as he writhes in agonizing suffering. Perhaps this was his redemption, a must-sacrifice he has to make in order to fuel his fire aglow and strong.

The lingering sleep is akin to a venomous tongue; perhaps his heart was already unbeating, as the freight train of his somatic pain, as the absolute wretchedness of his mind would eventually cause him to unleash an ocean full of overflowing ink, saturating the inky obsidian darkness. The dying supernova of his collapsing thoughts manifesting as the tragedies would repeat. Then, the collapsed galaxy will drive him towards the black whole, as he becomes the dying supernova amidst the star-embedded night. His inside feels numb, remarkably and perplexedly numb, as his heartstrings give a few sharp, twinging tug. It hurts, it aches, and his corporeality is like thin glass that was held by fragile and see-through paper. He feels exposed, his heart visible to the whole world; vulnerable and pathetic. Yet, Hanzo Hasashi wears the tempered hardness well, as the intensity of his fire rekindles, as it had kindled, burned deep into his blood vessels as he claimed her over and over again.

Loneliness is never romantic; it’s not dreamy to be off by himself, longing for the day, someday, they will be united as whole, without ominous threats closing in for their lives. How old wounds open wide like chasms, and Hanzo fears he would plunge, descend downward through one of those cracks and never recover. He’s still filled with gentle exhaustion, yet the amalgam of pleasant, hunger-inducing scents coalesce through the saccharine smile he wears; sleep-leaden, as a pair of crescent moons paint over the creases around his double-lidded eye. Slightly swollen and bloated, beneath the mercy of his world’s pendulum as he hums in acknowledgement; thick and coarse, the timber of his voice resonating deep, the untamed, yet beastly beautiful masculinity of Hanzo Hasashi, wanting to find solace beneath the mellow waves of illuminative sunrise, mending all wounds.

He gulps down half the content from the tall glass as his features crinkle, the onslaught of sourness as the sharp pungence of orange offsets the sugary sweetness. “Freshly squeezed, this is good stuff.” Translucence has become of him, forever pursuing redemption in a paradox of remorse and guilt, and he’s glad he still remains hidden beneath the chiaroscuro of the thick stretch of cloying night’s air. Yet, he drinks all the love, as the ignited fire of his eyes will take all of her and their ambiance in. 💥||

#✗ the ineffable testimony of spawned hellfire (scorpion)#✗ ugly syllables of conjured vindictive crimson (modern au)#(ohhhh this gave me feels)#desxderium #submission

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buriednurbckyrd · 6 years

Text

Necessary Paradox (5)

***THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT MAY BE TRIGGERING; INCLUDING MENTIONS OF STALKING, SEXUAL ASSAULT, AND PTSD. Please proceed with caution***

Y/N paced the kitchen, biting her bottom lip and wringing her hands. Her nervous stomach rolled and she kept glancing at her silent phone sitting on the table.

“You can always back out if you aren't ready to talk to him about all of this,” Jeremiah said gently. “Don't get me wrong, I think it's wonderful that you want to open up and explore the connection, but I don't want you to force yourself.” She stopped walking and let out a long sigh.

“I think if I don't do it now I never will, and we'll both spend the rest of our lives wondering what could have happened… At least I know I would. I can't speak for him.”

“No one likes living with what ifs. You're doing the right thing.” Will told her. The three of them jumped when her phone let out a loud 'ping'. With slightly trembling hands, she picked it up and read the message on the screen.

“He's here. You can go let him in on your way out.” Will kissed her forehead.

“We'll be back in a few hours, unless you need us.” He took her hand and squeezed it. “I'm so proud of you.” He whispered. The words of encouragement gave her a boost of strength. She watched the two men leave, knowing that it would be only another minute or so before Steve was standing in front of her. It wasn't enough time to prepare her system for the jolt she got when he walked through the door. He was so tall and broad shouldered that it made her feel delicate and small, she hadn't felt that way since she was a little girl. Then he smiled at her, his bright blue eyes lighting up and it aggravated the flock of birds that seemed to have taken up residence in her stomach.

“Hi.” She said timidly.

“Hi,” he replied. “I uh, brought you this.” He handed her a cup full of iced coffee. “I remembered seeing you with a cup from the coffee place down the street so I took the chance that someone working there would know who you were and what you liked.” He blushed.

“It's my favorite, thank you.” She told him after taking a sip. The effort he had gone through to bring her her favorite drink touched her more than if he had just brought flowers or candy. It reinforced the gut instincts she had been feeling from the moment their hands touched weeks before. This was the Alpha for her. “Let's sit in here, I got some bagels from the deli.” They sat at the kitchen table and Steve looked around the room.

“This is really a nice place. Have the three of you always lived together?” Y/N let out a quiet sigh.

“It's part of the story I need to tell you.” She had been wondering how to begin, and it looked as if he had unknowingly broken the ice. She took his hand and guided his fingers to her upper arm. “Press down here,” she told him. “Do you feel that little bump? Like a pebble or grain of rice under the skin?” He prodded her for a moment and then nodded. “It's an implant to stop my heats.”

“Like suppressants?” He asked, looking a little confused.

“Yes and no.” She let go of his hand and wrapped her arms around herself, covering the spot where the implant was hidden under her skin. “Most Omegas take suppressants to protect them from going into heat unexpectedly before they're mated. Some take them after for a while after mating because hormones in the beginning of a brand new bond can be unpredictable and the suppressants help to regulate until the couple's cycles are established.” She paused to see if he was following her so far, he nodded again. “This stops my cycle completely. I haven't had a single heat since it was implanted a few years ago.” His eyes widened.

“I had no idea they could do that.”

“It's not common. These implants are only used in rare cases.”

“And you asked me here so you can tell me why you have one.”

“Yes.” She felt chest tighten in anxiety. “It's not a pretty story, Steve. But you need to know my past before you decide to try and have some kind of a future with me.” His eyes blazed with stubborn determination. She half expected him to make some kind of declaration, but he only rested his hand on her knee and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Go ahead,” he said. “I'll just let you talk, okay?”

“Okay.” She took a deep breath. “For pretty much my whole life, me and Will have been inseparable. I was born three weeks after him and our mothers were close to we grew up together, practically like siblings. My parents died in a car accident a few months after we finished high school so he's not just my best friend, he's my family. When he met Jeremiah… I decided it was time for me to 'cut the cord' and give them some space to enjoy their new bond and explore their relationship without a third wheel around all the time, so when they moved in here together I found myself a cute little apartment to give living on my own a try.” She got up and walked into the living room, returning with a book. “You see, Jeremiah owns this whole building. The shop, and all the floors above it.” She pushed the book across the table to Steve.

“J.R. Montgomery?” He searched his brain for the name. “He's on the New York Times best sellers list all the time! Wanda loves his books.” Y/N grinned.

“That's Jeremiah's pen name. He uses his grandmother's maiden name. He's the black sheep of the Samuel family. His grandfather left each of his grandchildren a very substantial inheritance to be received when they mated. His family tried to keep it from him because he presented as an Omega and mated to a male Alpha. His grandmother fought them tooth and nail and finally won because her husband's will said nothing about the recipient's presentation or the gender of the person they mated, only that it had to be a mating bond. They gave him his money and turned their backs on him, expect for his grandmother. She's a great lady.”

“Wow. Wanda will be so jealous that I got to meet J.R. Montgomery.”

“I'll make him sign some books for you to bring her.” She said with a grin. It faded when she remembered the reason she was telling him all of this. “So I set myself up in my own place, living alone for the first time in my life. I was really happy. Will and I could finally stop working out of other people's shops and opened our own. I adored Jeremiah and how much he believed in not just his mate, but me as well. Without his support I don't think any of this would be possible. Sometimes I still can't believe that the life we fantasized about as kids is actually reality. I really love what I do.”

“It shows in your work.” Steve smiled warmly.

“Unfortunately, it was my job that lead me to the worst thing I've ever experienced.” Now that she was at the real crux of the story, her nerves were starting to get to her. Her bagel threatened to make a reappearance. “Worse than losing both of my parents in one night when I was eighteen.” Steve looked like he wanted to hug her but settled for taking her hand, afraid anything more would spook her.

“Take your time.”

“He was a Beta,” she whispered. “Came in for a tattoo. He seemed really nice.” She didn't realize she had laced her fingers with Steve's, holding on to him like an anchor. “I wasn't used to attention from guys. I was a fat kid in school, and I spent all my time with my Alpha best friend. But he was cute and charming and seemed interested in me. It felt really good to have someone flirt with me. I didn't really feel any kind of spark, but I tricked myself into thinking I did. Will didn't like him but I brushed him off. In my head he was just playing the over protective brother. So I went out with him a few times. He acted kind of possessive, but I told myself I should be flattered. He wanted people to know he was with me. Some part of me knew that his behavior bordered on inappropriate, but he never got nasty or physical so I said nothing.” She stopped talking for a few moments and Steve rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand, noticing the faint scars once again. He said nothing and let her collect her thoughts.

“After a few casual dates, I decided we would work better as friends and I told him that. We had only kissed a couple of times, nothing serious. He was disappointed but accepted my decision. I liked the attention, but I just couldn't ignore the fact that deep down I still hoped for that bond I saw Omegas have with their Alphas, like Will and Jeremiah. I didn't feel anything romantic for him and I didn't want to try and force it. I figured that was that and went on enjoying my life. I loved my little apartment and struck up a friendship with an Omega that moved into the apartment next to mine. Having another single woman to hang out with was so much fun. I still saw Will all the time, not just at the shop, but he was newly mated. But then I started running into that Beta. It creeped me out, but I pushed those feelings aside and chalked it up to coincidence. Until I couldn't anymore. He was everywhere.

Grocery stores, restaurants, on the street, everywhere. I constantly felt like I was being watched. I was paranoid and scared but I thought I was being silly so I said nothing. Will and Jeremiah began to notice that he kept showing up exactly where I happened to be and told me it was suspicious. Again, I brushed them off. He was a nice guy, we were friends, it wasn't a big deal. And then my heat came.” Steve realized she had tears in her eyes. “Rosie checked on me before she was going out on a date, we had been helping each other with our heats. Making sure the other one was okay, had plenty of food, were staying hydrated… She brought me some matzo ball soup and orange juice and then left. I settled in with my heating pad, prepared for a typical night alone. About ten minutes after she left me, there was a knock on my door. I figured it was her, maybe she forgot something.” Y/N squeezed Steve's hand. “It was him. He slipped in behind a pizza delivery guy. He waited until he knew Rosie was gone so I would be completely alone.” She was trembling. Steve moved his chair closer to her and took both of her hands.

“It's okay, you don't have to tell me what he did.” His heart was racing.

“I tried to fight him off,” she said in a shaky voice. “I was so weak from my heat. The scars are faded now, but some days I swear I can still see the gouges he left on my hands like they're still fresh. He was out of his mind on black market rut hormones. Told me if I wanted an Alpha he'd give me an Alpha. He… used me. He was so angry that he couldn't knot me so he beat me and shoved a fake knot into me af-afterward. Finally he hit and kicked me so hard I started to cough up blood. He left me to die. If Rosie had decided to go back to her date's apartment after her date, I probably would have. She came back and my door was left open. She found me barely conscious and called 911.” When she stopped speaking she was surprised to find herself in Steve's arms. He rubbed a hand over her back, comforting her.

“I'm so sorry that happened to you.” He said in a thick voice. “Where is he now?” She didn't miss the way his voice hardened in anger when he asked.

“They picked him up not too long after the police showed up. I was lucid enough to tell them who attacked me.” She swallowed a lump in her throat. “He hung himself in the holding cell.” His silence after her answer spoke volumes. “I was in the hospital for two and a half weeks. He damn near beat me to death. Will and Jeremiah barely left my side, and when I told them I was scared to go back to my apartment, they took care of all the arrangements to move me in with them above the shop.” She reached up and rubbed her arm where the implant was. “When my next heat hit… I lost my mind. I was so panicked and terrified I had to be admitted into the hospital and sedated. When it was done… A psychiatrist and my doctor came to see me. We talked about all my options and I decided the implant was the best choice. The trauma was still too fresh, and the thought of going through another heat at that time… it was unbearable.”

“I can only imagine what you must have gone through.”

“You had to know. Steve,” she pulled away and looked him in the eyes, her face strained. “For the first time in almost four years, I'm thinking about having it removed, but it's not that simple.”

“It doesn't need to be. Do you think I'm going to run away from… this because it's gonna be hard? You're mine and I'm yours.”

“It isn't just about starting my heats again.” Her eyes filled with tears. “There's about an 85% chance that I-I'm sterile.” She choked out. Steve felt a slight pang in his heart, but not because of her admission. It changed nothing to him.

“I hate that I couldn't have found you sooner,” he said sadly. “That you had to go through any of this.”

“There's no guarantee that it wouldn't have still happened. The only person at fault is the person that did this. Will blamed himself for months, he probably still does. Some days I still blame myself.” He suddenly pulled completely away from her, looking horrified.

“I didn't even ask if it was okay to touch you!” Y/N smiled softly and reached out to him.

“I've always been a touchy-feely person,” she slipped her hands into his. “There was a little while after, it was difficult to want the comfort of contact but still be wary… I appreciate that you were worried about that, but I don't want you to be afraid to do something.”

“I thought about when we first met, when you left...”

“It wasn't about the touch, it was-” she looked away, her face hot. “Remember when I said I was uh, reacting like you were?”

“Yeah.”

“For about five seconds I wanted to dig the implant out of my arm and, uhhh, do things.” Steve smirked.

“Oh really?” She groaned.

“Don't get all smug Alpha on me now. It freaked me out. I never had an urge that strong before.” She rolled her eyes when his smirk grew. “You can just cut it out with that face. At least I didn't smell like a brothel.” Emboldened, Steve leaned in and breathed in her scent.

“You liked how I smelled.” He said teasingly.

“God help me, but I did. I do.” She admitted. He nuzzled his cheek against hers, restraining himself from full on scenting her.

“Nothing you told me is going to scare me away.” He told her. “I still want to explore this…connection between us.”

“I do too.”

“We can take this slow. Contrary to the way I- ahem- smelled when we met, I am capable of controlling myself. For the most part.” He said with a wink, and then blushed.

“So, maybe we could go on a real date?” She asked, her face brightening. Now that everything was out in the open she felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of her. Steve pressed a gentle kiss to her knuckles.

“Absolutely. I would be honored to court you, Doll.” She giggled. In the back of her mind a small voice told her that they wouldn't have to move slowly for too much longer.

#plus sized reader #omega!reader #Alpha!Steve #A/B/O verse #marvel au #steve x plus size reader

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