I’m screaming in the night
when I can’t fall asleep
I’m screaming during the day
when I put my pen on paper
there are still words stuck in my throat
and I have nothing more to say
because even if I feel like screaming
there’s no one to listen
and standing on a hill
alone with a sore throat
is a lonely place to be
Sometimes you can’t understand the world. You have the strange impression of being a ladybug observing itself above a violent river. She falls into the water, But not because of her recklessness. But because sudden rain drags her to death.
I am utterly disappointed to whom responsible for my experience in love.
You feel your existence when your silhouette appears in the eyes of the other. Don’t you feel lost if no one offers you a look? It is your existence that you wish to prove. So what happens to you who are confined alone, locked between four walls?
You wonder about your existence.
para che mostrar como ver o mundo
non hai nada realmente malo
se fas do teu corpo a túa mar
fálame do suor e a dita
como se non houbese nada que explicar
un home e unha muller sentíndose ben
unha muller e un home gozando
entón a voz da dureza familiar
espera un momento
dime por o que nos avergoñamos?
lembra o poder da imaxe
en forma de lúa
apaga o teu teléfono
como amos de amor
e si os nosos corpos medraran
© Manoel T, 2021
i’ll re-read everything i store in these poems;
the memories that live in these stanzas;
the thoughts and feelings that i buried between these lines;
and i’ll look back
that i could have ever been so naïve,
I don’t know what I’m feeling,
I have not a single clue,
It does not make me happy,
And it does not make me blue.
I am not quite happy,
Nor am I sad,
I definitely am not calm,
But I also am not mad.
This feeling that I have,
And the effect that it does hold,
I find it is quite confusing,
And it leaves marks on my soul.
Am I trying to reach,
Am I trying to run,
Do I have destination,
Or a thing that I ran from.
I don’t know the answer,
So I am feeling quite confused,
Mix in some frustration,
And it’s like I’ve lit a fuse.
Am I waiting for something,
Or am I remembering the past,
What is it that is happening,
That makes every question seem so vast.
Am I looking for an answer,
Am I looking for a clue,
Am I looking for a question,
Is the answer 42.
Am I searching for my place,
This spot that I fit in,
Is that what this all is,
Or is it to a dream that I do cling.
I think I’m feeling lost,
But honest I don’t know,
But I know that my path,
Is one that only I can sow.
What is it that is happening,
What does my mind not know,
What is it that I’m after,
One day I hope it may show.
The Abyss knows no boundary
It reaches for every soul
At some time each soul in kind
Will one day feel it’s pull
The tide will overcome you
The depths will drag you under
The storm will beat upon your back
And your sky shall break asunder
Find something, someone, somewhere
To hold fast to through your despair
A rope to hold when life is bleak
To pull you forward when strength is weak
So do not fear the dark abyss
Please do not give up hope
You only need to find the strength
And hold on to your rope
You’re a flashy dreamer,
And I am a basket of waste.
I find you so classy,
But my mirror is full of hast.
If only I could be like you dear.
I’ve had so many second chances,
But I’m still at our old secret pier.
Reminded of what we drank and ate.
Do you remember me,
Or was that my own date?
I’m not a silent sleeper,
And I’ve never drank white wine.
But I promise you this;
Your lips will be on my mind until the day I die.
Still I’m here.
Aching for you with dread,
I wish I never met you,
Yet without you I would rather be dead.
i want to hold you, hug you, kiss you, smile at you, make you laugh, care about you, help you, be with you— goddamnit i just want to fucking love you. please let me love you.
Day 14: A Poem Titled A Year
BOOK, FLOATERS, FERVOUR
‘On top of me life’s comedy- those jokers
in the deck that wreck our focus,
off my centre, miss the locus,
that’s the way they think they broke us,
propaganda from the POTUS,
all the things they think that 'woke us
don’t mean shit to laid-back smokers.
Click here to read this poem, along with a few other interesting ones, indited by English poet Jim Khan.
My knuckles are bleeding.
Torn by the cold, dry air
Or maybe from the time they hit the solid
Skin where your neck
Meets your shoulder.
It’s always been the death of me, and it will be forever.
You kiss my knuckles,
And I wonder how they would ever heal
Without the sweet medicine of your lips.
Love and destruction,
Death and resurrection.
Switch spots with me and watch the sunrise.
I’m in a bit of a predicament. I’ve met someone, and in many ways they’re quite lovely. Under normal circumstances I don’t see why I would have so many reservations so soon. But I can feel a wall, or some kind of disconnect. I can feel myself resisting and retreating. Every now and again, I let my guard back down and for a moment I laugh at myself, wondering what the hell I was so worried about. But soon enough, all the anxieties and worries come rushing back.
I think I’m moving too fast. Not enough time has passed since the typhoon that was my last relationship, and I really needed time to recover from that. But it seems like every time I tried to tell him I need help, I need time, I need to recover, his only response was that we could still be together while I get better and that he can help me in the recovery process.
I don’t know what to believe. Sometimes I think he’s a caring and patient person who doesn’t mind that I have things to reconcile. Other times, I feel like he just doesn’t want to risk giving me space, even if it means slowing or interfering with my recovery. One time he even said he thinks it’s in my best interest not to be in a relationship, but when I responded that he had made my point for me, he said “Well what, you think I’m not gonna fight for you?”
I don’t think I’m ready, but I feel like I’ve trapped myself. I don’t know what to do.
It’s hard to grow, to increase momentum, the energy, pumping non-existing mental care to those who don’t need it, don’t want it, can’t give two flying stars about it or you
Do I even wanna know what I mean to y’all? Today I grow older, I am to become wiser and mature. I am to be the new personality I was to uphold since era ‘16 cause I took that path. I lie here in the pool of tears waiting for time to stop, to stop the sun from rising, from letting the moon be the one that shines for me, for my eyes, for my heart.
Solace I consume, patiently waiting for the being in black to come take me away to the dark abyss but before to the port, where I turn around and see what I have done for a lifetime of 2 decades and later to be presented my worth in coins.
Farewell to all and those who I haven’t met but would’ve been in my path to meet. I wish I would’ve begged myself to think about the time I could’ve had. I leave a piece of that desire with you all to keep. Keep me in your mind where I live well and healthy, and where I live and love to the full in a Paradise with inner and external peace.
AND HOW I LEARNED TO CLOSE THE CHAPTER
I forgot your name
As though it were my car keys that I thought were at the bottom of my bag
but were actually sitting on my dresser where I left them
It wasn’t like I was trying to—
to forget the memories that fogged my brain when I see your name splayed on a screen
I used to see the string of letters that displayed your name
And feel a sense of longing
I’d avoid saying your name out of fear of you popping up like a creature from the forest
I never wanted to forget you
I only wanted to forget the feelings
to forget why I would stay up all night just to talk to you
to listen to the music you liked
to say your name repeatedly like it was the secret to life
to let it fall from my lips
as though it was the only thing that makes sense
And when you said my name…
I swear I’ve never heard anything sweeter
Instead your name is like a foreign language I have no intention of learning
and all I can think about
Is how I saw your name
And forgot how to spell it
The letters lifted off the page and no longer made sense
I forgot your name the other day
Which is just proof
That you’ll be a distant memory
One that’s recalled after long nights with friends
not in a curse
or in joking banter
But a ms a matter-of-fact—
And for a brief moment I will forget
I will forget the songs
And the long nights
And the longer drives
Until I realize I was supposed to remember you
I was supposed to remember how it feels—
to search for your keys at the bottom of your bag and have that relief that they’re actually there
surrounded by the smoke from my mouth with
cigarette b/w my fingers i sit
contemplating how from this chaos i can get rid
stressed, emotions suppressed
i need rest
after walking the twisted narrow ledge
now i lean over the edge
leaving behind everything i never had
no, i am not sad
happy as i go down and down and down
merrily i leave without making a sound
dead i was a long time back
a reason to live was all i lacked
my going won’t make a difference, about this i am sure
finally done with the part i had to endure
- p.d., 2017
father- a poem
I remember, father, when you were my friend
I remember, father, the notes you’d send
I remember, father how I cried all night
I remember, father how you promised I’d be alright
father, years later, how much has changed
father, you tried but still you caused me pain
father, you keep your head low and succeed
father, you don’t understand but that’s not what I need
why, father, why was I never enough
why, father, why was I always too much
why, father, why do you think this way
why, father, why are you so sure I do the same
cause father I believe we can make it better
father how come you fight me on every letter
father they say I can show the world what’s true
but what good does it do, father, if I can’t show you?