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#other people are parents without being my parents

tip: never trust someone who has “mom” as the first thing in their bio. ESPECIALLY if it’s the only thing in her bio like being a mother is a personality trait. ESPECIALLY if when it’s not just “mom” or something like “mom, wine addict 🤪”, it’s something like “✨mom✨ ✨over 30✨ ✨live laugh love✨ ✨gaslight gatekeep girlboss✨”. and if they tag their posts as “mommy goals” and/or “boymom” RUN.

#every single time without fail they're a bona fide karen#and they either spoil their kids to the point where the kid is just off the shits (this is usually the hashtag boymoms)#or they're straight up abusive#and they always think they're like mother earth or some shit just bc they're a ✨mommy✨#and they're so aggressively adamant that nothing compares to a mother's love and the trials and tribulations of being a mother#that they take every opportunity to invalidate people who are experiencing any other kind of love or worry for another living thing#i call it longterm postpartum narcissism#and don't get me started on the wine mom thing#ma'am you are an alcoholic#also i have only encountered one of these that wasn't white#in a string of replies to my comment about why if you actually love your pets it is like having children#and it was the kind of reply i expected from a non-karen#it was a lot less... kareny yknow#i knew that was a controversial take and a lot of reasonable people would disagree there#but no the one person who was reasonable was also the one person who wasn't white#but she still had the energy that like. if she was white she would be a karen#anyways the reason having pets is like having children for me at least#is the anxiety about being a good pet owner. it's the same anxiety as first time mother panic#and the fact that most people don't get that but still get it about their kids does kind of prove my point#if you're worried about making sure you're a good parent but you've never worried about making sure you're a good pet owner... yikes#that kind of blatantly shows that you're... not that concerned about being a good owner. to the point where it doesn't occur to you#that you might not be#which means you're probably the kind of pet owner to take what the pet store clerk says at face value#and buy a bunch of shit that's bad for your pets#and when ''''''tiktok vets'''''' try to warn you about it you'll act like you're being attacked#im not saying anxiety is healthy but#if you worry about being a good parent but don't even think about being a good owner#do you really love your pets#or do you just view them as possessions that happen to be alive#like a plant with a face
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Ohhh it’s getting bad again folks, this is a venting in the tags post no need to read it or interact with it! 

#gotta lot of thoughts in my head that are better off outside of it#contemplating the now pretty real concept that I will have spent a large majority of my life in school#and in situations and learning things that I wasn't that interested in or enjoyed and some that were pretty distressing#only to get to my third year of university and to have my body be literally incapable at completing the last stage#we're back to thinking about 'what if it's just this forever now' and that's a bad concept#I always forget how dehumanising the bad periods are all your choices are suddenly nonexistent i'm not really making choices at all#i'm being forced down the most self serving most solopsistic lanes and I can't really care about people and I cant make plans#i have no control over how I interact with the world or how I'm percieved really I'm just in bed and weighing the benefits of#talking to friends or having a bath#and I'm trying to balance my brain's still incessant need for stimulus but the very few number of activities that I can do without#severely impacting my health are so limited in scope and a lot of them literally make me depressed anyway#And it gets worse every year because I'm more and more of an adult who has no real adult experiences and less of a life to speak of#and it's already practically a concern like I really no longer trust my parent's instincts or ideas that it'll all be ok but#the idea of being cared for by anyone else literally drives me out of my mind with guilt and misery!#I'm walking my bones are all fine my brain works passably well#But I cannot work! there's no way I can work like this I can't even play video games all I can do is like#tap into that one arbitrary straight like that my brain's allowed me and open the tap and let it pour out#all other things have to be dug out of me and I'm so tired I can't think straight by the end of it#AND SCREEN BASED THERAPY... is not working out for me... or at least it's not got such a benefit#poor george he's doing his best but there's something prohibitive about holding my phone and looking at this person through a screen#ANYWAY if you read all the way down here don't worry about it and you didn't need too I'm just cataloguing#I forget a lot of how bad periods were so it's good to write it down to remember#tbd#except that's a lie but maybe it's not who knows
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here we go

#coming back to this post like an hr later cuz i don't wanna make a new post but i am not doing well ✌ like at all. i just have so much#building up inside me i feel so miserable. and i can't even cry or scream like i have been the past few days because my parents are back#and they don't get it. i feel like my emotions are never taken seriously and saying that sounds so stupid but. idk i just feel like people#irl. my parents. dismiss my emotions so easily. if i'm angry it's funny if i'm sad it's funny. it's heartbreaking. i just want to be able to#have emotions without being mocked. i want people to take me seriously and i know it's hard to take a person like me seriously but#i wish it weren't. and i'm upset about so many things that math assignment was just the cherry on top and i couldn't stop crying after that#and i know that once i start having to commute my depression is just gonna get worse and it already is because it's my second semester here#and i'm still going through ''transfer shock'' but it's been an entire semester so i don't know if i can even really call it that.#transferring has ruined my mental stability. like i couldn't have gone straight to a 4-year but i wish i had but realistically things would#be the same or worse even because i'd be at UT. and things were kind of like this at my cc honestly like i was very alone i don't think it#was this bad but it wasn't like i had more than one person i talked to when i was on campus. now i don't talk to anyone. even in breakout#rooms on zoom. earlier i thought about that time in a journalism zoom where i got put into a room with three girls who already knew e/o and#it was just miserable i felt so awful. but it's always been like this so it'll always be like this won't it. junior yr was when i realized#that i orbit around others and no one has ever orbited around me. i realized that i'm the kind of ''friend'' you only talk to when you have#to or when you have nobody else to talk to. the friend you only talk to when they happen to be around. you never reach out to them.#and that sounds guilt trippy whenever i say it and i don't mean for it to it's just the reality of the situation. it's always been like that#i've been on a decline ever since i realized that and i've tried figuring out what it is but i think it's unfixable because it's just me#that's how it has to be for me because it's never been any other way and i'm almost 21. and that's been the main motivator i guess in my#depression and suicidal ideation. that's what ruins everything. there's almost no coming back from it. but i get it i understand that i am#hard to be around and embarrassing. i've always known that. i went on an orchestra trip in 7th grade and it was the last one i ever went on#bc it was miserable. i was rooming with three or four girls who were friends with my friend but they never seemed to like me so it was just#awkward. they invited me to play cards in the hotel but i knew it was just bc they like felt bad so i said no and when we went out to like#the mall and aquarium and stuff i stayed out of every picture. either i was the one taking it or i was standing to the side. they did#photobooth pictures together and i was standing outside of it and this woman asked me why i wasn't ''in there with my friends'' and i was#like. i don't know how to explain my insecurities about this but i just knew i didn't belong in there. esp because i was only rooming with#them because i had nobody else to room with. and that's just one thing but it's a running theme in my life. an example of a constant#and i don't necessarily care abt that incident anymore like it still hurts but it also still happens. i was meant to exist by myself#and that fucking sucks. and because of that i cannot think of a single reason to stay here. and i've been so mad at myself recently because#i am still here and i just shouldn't be. there's nothing here for me except pain from these things and i wouldn't really be hurting anyone#by leaving. not to sound guilt trippy. i should just do it. i have to
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i would commit so many sins and crimes to be alone in my own house for one (1) hour.

#shit chat#i talk to ppl who are like 'i live alone it's hell i miss being around people' and i'm sure it is#but i have been packed like sardines in a duplex with 3 other people for going on a whole year#during which time i've had maybe? 3?? hours total? of alone time#as opposed to pre-covid when i specifically scheduled my days off for days when everyone else worked so i could be alone#at least twice a week for several hours#i love my family and it's a safety thing that we all need to stay home but holy fuck i'm ready to murder someone#every time they look at me speak to me do anything i am just. filled with defensive rage#i need my SPACE!!!!!!!!#and fuckin. every tiny little pet peeve is amplified 100x. i get so irritable about the stupidest shit#i asked my parents if they could maybe go for a drive or a nice walk by the river so i can be alone for a little and they laughed it off#you don't understand i am deeply introverted and if i don't get to be by myself in my own home soon i will end up doing something i regret#god my mental health has been TANKING the last few weeks and literally just like an hour of Me Time would do wonders to fix it#me time in the building i live in. not me time where i have to leave the house when it's fucking cold as shit to hear myself think#bc i am a fairly clean/quiet/unobtrusive roommate but my parents just Sprawl and the house is calibrated to their preferences#as a default so everything is just. slightly off from how it would be comfortable for me#i'm gonna cry i literally just want to have a morning to myself where i can take my time waking up and play music in the kitchen#and not speak to anyone or be perceived and nobody's shit's in my way and the TV isn't constantly on#and heaven forbid i can jack off once a year without having to be completely silent FUCK
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