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#other specific dissociative disorder

night-wyld-system · 1 year

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I think people in the traumagenic system sphere need to just understand presentations of alters differ.

Just because it helps you not differentiate and is harmful for you to differentiate does not make that true for us. The first thing our therapist had us do was differentiate ourselves and work on staying as separate as possible because otherwise we cannot tell if we have enough knowledge on any given trauma to be able to recover from it in therapy without the right alter fronting. It is important and healthy for us to let ourselves be more different, to let ourselves use things like plural kit, and nicknames, and marking down every switch we notice every day. It's helping us learn what we need to work on.

We were pressured into not doing this- we were shamed by others for being too differentiated, for waning further differentiation. We were made to feel alienated because we view ourselves as plural and not as just "facets of one person" because we can NEVER go back to just "one person" the way others can even within the system community. Trauma memories aren't just one per alter- alters have themes. Trauma events are split up and multiple fragments of the same event has different parts remembered by different alters.

Just because it helps us to differentiate doesn't mean you should do so either. Perhaps your differentiation is making your barriers worse rather than helping you find them and break them down. Maybe differentiation is uncomfortable and not something you or your system is okay with. Maybe your system can't do it. And that's just as valid and just as important.

As someone who is differentiating we've only seen the push towards doing the opposite. It's part of the stuff we have to work through unlearning because we think we're not allowed to express ourselves. Part of our trauma was being forced to be blank and nothing and emotionless and actionless and joyless. We have alters who are blank and bland and barley feel like a person to their own selves. Alters who have to learn that they are allowed to have their own interests instead of ones the others around us say we must have. To be nothing and no-one. But sometimes people have a genuinely cohesive identity that doesn't require that differentiation.

I just wish there was more of support for both sides without mocking one or the other. I don't see a push to be multiple the way I see a push to be just one, but again... that's because we don't want to be one. We don't have the experience that those who want less differentiation or to pursue final fusion have. Because that is not who we are, and that's okay too.

#syscourse maybe #system #dissociative identity disorder #this applies very specifically to DID/OSDD/UDD/DDNOS and not other types of plurality #we are still pro-endo this is just a more specific issue that isn't common in the wider plural community

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aqueeradhdsinglet · 9 months

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Sending love to those who are traumatized. You deserve respect and basic human decency. It sucks that people are shitty and like to use your trauma against you. You deserve better.

#actually neurodivergent #singlet #this is specifically for people with DID #did #dissociative identity disorder #osdd #other specified dissociative disorder

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switchcase · 2 years

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hey if you're new to the diagnosis or new to the community, remember not a single soul is entitled to knowing a damn thing about it! you never have to share anything about your condition with Anyone, especially online. not the number of alters you have, not your alter's identities, nothing

besides the fact that this is personal medical information, not everyone is a good person. some of this information could be used to intentionally trigger you, and i have seen this happen many times with many people (myself included). sometimes your information can end up being shared in ways that you do not want or anticipate, especially now that there are places dedicated to making fun of people with DID. other times someone can take your information and present it as their own...this one seems really unlikely and i will say it is definitely not as common as the first two, but it has still definitely happened to more than a few people in the community including myself over the years

be mindful of what info you share and really figure out if you are ok with people knowing it

#.log #dissociative identity disorder #actuallydid #actuallydissociative #whatever other tags y'all are using these days #also yes the last one happens. have seen people straight up take survivor testimony and say it was theirs #not 'similar' but down to very precise details that are not replicable #there are people also that copy others' system info to use for themselves also down to extreme specifics #some people just aren't good or have their own issues going on

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the-habitat-sysblog · 3 months

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HOW AUTISM CAN INTERACT WITH A COMPLEX DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER

higher rates of introjection - this is something commonly spoken about in the online CDD community, meaning it is a shared experience even if there is little proper medical research on the topic. however, it has been observed that some autistic pwCDDs have more introject alters (specifically fictional introjects - sometimes called 'fictives') than their allistic counterparts. this may be due to hyperfixation on fictional media, or splitting alters sourced from special interests.

splitting due to overwhelm - meltdowns, shutdowns and other reactions to overstimulation in autistic people can lead to splitting new parts, as these situations can be highly stressful.

autistic traits differing per alter - since autism is a neurodevelopmental disability that affects the entire brain, every alter will have some variation of ASD. however, different alters may struggle with/experience different autistic traits! where one alter may struggle more with, say, language and communication skills, another alter may be more proficient in that area. however, the second alter may then struggle instead with a compulsive need for strict, unbroken routines. this is how the spectrum can present differently in different alters.

unpredictable social situations and the stress of social interaction can cause more switching - as social situations can be more stressful for autistics than our allistic counterparts, it should be noted that these can be triggers for rapid switching! we may rapid switch in order to find a part that is best suited to handle the situation, which can end in switching multiple times as a lot of autistic people struggle to cope in uncomfortable social situations, such as at school/work, during conflicts, or at events. (written with input from @kityenok; thank you!)

semi-verbality, verbal shutdown and abilities to communicate varying per alter - in autistics with variable ability to communicate, the proficiency at communication can vary between alters! in semi-verbal/semi-speaking pwCDDs, some alters may have a few more words than others, while others struggle more than the rest of the system. in autistics with frequent verbal shutdowns, there may be alters who rarely if ever experience speech loss, while there are others who are permanently in a state of verbal shutdown. the ability to communicate non-verbally (using body language, signing, or even using assistive technology and speech-to-text) can fluctuate, with certain alters being less effective at using these methods than others. (note: from what i have heard from non-verbal/non-speaking pwCDDs, all alters tend to lack mouth words. if this is inaccurate to your experience, feel free to share!)

of course, there are more ways that autism can influence and interact with alters in CDDs! if you would like to add to this list, feel free to do so. ^^

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didosddinfo · 6 months

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The Basics of DID/OSDD

DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder, is a trauma-caused disorder that forms in early childhood, anywhere before the age of 9 (cutoff age is debated but the typical range is before age 6-9, but some people extend it to 10 because that's the typical age where your identity starts forming independant of your primary caregivers)

Most of the established and spread facts about DID come from the Theory of Structural Dissociation (TOSD)

Here's a good resource explaining The TOSD:

To sum things up, there are levels of dissociation that can occur, and disorders that fall into each level. The lowest end of this spectrum is PTSD, and the highest is DID. Here's a graphic of those levels, and I'll go into each disorder briefly:

Altered States

Altered states are normal, and likely to occur in everyone at some point. No trauma is required to cause these states. Altered states include normal daydreaming (not including MaDD which is disordered)

Primary Dissociation

Primary Dissociation occurs in people with PTSD. This presents as having one ANP (Apparantly Normal Part, aka you) and one EP (Emotional Part, which occurs when having PTSD flashbacks)

This level is specifically for single-event PTSD, as C-PTSD falls under the next level:

Secondary Dissociation

Complex-PTSD falls under this level because of the occurance of multiple EPs, but still one ANP. These EPs are for a myriad of traumas a person with C-PTSD has experienced.

Dissociative Disorders

This is where we start touching on systems. This level includes OSDD and UDD.

OSDD (Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder) is a bit of an umbrella disorder, and it encapsulates multiple different types of OSDD. The one you've most likely heard of is OSDD1b, but I'll go into all of them.

OSDD1a is a disorder in which a person has multiple identity states but they lack distinction. They have intense enough amnesia to qualify for DID, but their identity states aren't differentiated enough to fully qualify for DID. This can sometimes (not always, of course) present as multiple identity states that are all one person, just at different ages when trauma happened.

OSDD1b is a disorder in which a person has multiple identity states that qualify for DID, but have no amnesia. A common misconception is that to be diagnosed with DID, you have to have blackout amnesia (will explain amnesia types later in the post), but any type of amnesia can qualify. OSDD1b is for systems who have absolutely no amnesia.

OSDD2 is a disorder in which there are identity disturbances and dissociation caused by brainwashing, torture, cults, and things of that sort. From what I understand, OSDD2 occurs after the cutoff age of DID or OSDD1, hence why this disorder does not cause a system.

OSDD3 seems to be a temporary diagnosis for symptoms of dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, amnesia, sudden loss of motor skills, ect for less than one month, occuring directly after a traumatic event. If the symptoms persist after this one month period, another diagnosis may be looked at.

OSDD-4 is a disorder in which people experience dissociative trances that do not have any known cause. People slip in and out of these trance states, often unaware of their environment while in them, and may "come to" confused and with amnesia from their time in the trance state.

And lastly, UDD. UDD, or Unspecified Dissociative Disorder, is exactly as it sounds. It's a catchall diagnosis for when a dissociative disorder is present, but it's unknown exactly which one. This can include systems, or it can include other dissociative disorders.

Tertiary Dissociation

Teritary Dissociation is what includes DID, C-DID, and HC-DID.

DID is the disorder we are all reading this post for. It is a disorder that causes multiple identity states that are distinctly different, called alters (or other terms depending on the system's comfort, such as headmates or sysmates), and amnesia between these identity states.

C-DID is a community term which stands for Complex DID. It is synonymous with Polyfragmented DID; they both mean the same thing. C-DID is characterized by a more complex system structure and the presence of many fragments, occuring because of more complex and longterm trauma that starts before the age of 5 (so earlier than the DID cutoff), and typically continues long after the system forms. There are many signs of polyfragmentation in a system, but the most siginifigant are the earlier onset of trauma, presence of many fragments, and more complex internal structure.

HC-DID is another community term which stands for Highly Complex DID. This term is synonymous with programmed systems/RAMCOA systems. These systems formed because of childhood trauma involving Mind Control (the MC of RAMCOA), aka programming. I won't go too in-depth on HC-DID systems, because I'm not confident in my knowledge at this time. However a great blog I can recommend for anyone wanting to learn more is @cultishhellvent

Misc.

You might have noticed at the top of the graphic I included earlier a little blurb about DPDR, or Depersonalization Derealization Disorder. This is a dissociative disorder characterized by, well, persistant depersonalization and derealization. This disorder cannot co-occur alongside DID, but DID can cause depersonalization and derealization. The DPDR diagnosis is for those who don't have another dissociative disorder like DID, but do experience those specific symptoms of depersonalization and derealization.

P-DID, or Partial DID, is a version of DID in which one alter is almost always fronting. Other alters are present, and may front in specific situations, but typically the one alter will stay at front and other alters will come and go from co-con or co-front.

Things To Know About Systems

So here is a bunch of catagories of info about systems that I feel are necessary to know if you're looking to know the basics.

Amnesia Types

Blackout Amnesia is amnesia that is full and total. Periods of blackout amnesia will be fully gone from the person's memory. However, contrary to popular belief, blackout amnesia does not entail literally 'blacking out' and 'waking up' at a later time. It simply means the memories from a time period are totally and utterly gone and inaccessable to you.

Greyout Amnesia has two typical definitions. The first is amnesia that slowly occurs as time goes on, like slowly forgetting the days as you pass them, at a faster rate than would be considered typical for those without a dissociative disorder. The second definition is similar to blackout amnesia, except some memories can be retained. So you may not fully remember an event you went to last week, but you might be able to recall a few blips of major things that took place. Most detail is usually lost.

Emotional Amnesia is when you remember the actual event or time frame, but none of the emotions attached to it. This usually presents as being able to remember a traumatic event, but feeling numb or disconnected to it, or like it happened to someone else.

And something important to keep in mind is that these amnesia types are not hard rules, and amnesia is often somewhere between these three labels.

Innerworlds

Innerworlds, or headspaces, are internal worlds in which alters can go when they aren't fronting (fronting meaning to be in control of the body)

Not all systems have innerworlds, and many systems with Aphantasia (when you can't visualize) simply don't have the ability to create them.

Innerworlds are often created unintentionally as the system grows up, but they can be intentionally created and that can be a beneficial process to the system.

Alter Roles

Alter roles are labels systems can assign to their alters to describe what role they play in the system's life. Some common ones include Host (primary fronter), Protector (self-explanitory), Persecutor (causes the system harm for whatever reason), Traumaholder (alters who hold trauma), and Littles (child alters)

These roles are not hard set, they are simply labels to help explain and put words to what certain alters' jobs in the system may be. And, not all alters have a discernable role.

Introjects

Introjects are alters who form based on an existing identity. This is common in fragments, since they aren't as fully formed, but can of course also happen in fully formed alters.

There are two main catagories of introjects, however many people like to get specific with the terms they use.

Fictives are introjects of fictional characters. This can be from visual media, books, OCs, ect.

Factives are introjects of real people. This can be from friends, abusers, family, celebrities, ect.

Introjects are NOT the same as the thing they are sourced in. They are their own separate people, and should be treated as such.

One of the specific terms I mentioned could be songtives (introjects from songs). I wanted to briefly mention that as an example of the specific terms systems may use.

Co-Con/Co-Front

Co-con, or co-conciousness, is when two or more alters are present at the front. This is usually used to describe one alter fronting, with one or more other alters hanging out nearby and talking occasionally.

Co-front, or co-fronting, is when two or more alters are sharing the front together fully. Think of two people trying to drive the same car at once.

I think I've covered everything I wanted to cover. If I missed anything, said anything incorrect, or you'd like something added please feel free to send an ask or comment/reblog.

#did #osdd #udd #pdid #anti endo #anti tulpa #polyfrag system #c-did #hc-did #ramcoa #actually traumagenic #endos dni #did community #traumagenic did #system #osdd system #actually osdd

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doomsdayradio · 1 year

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any other systems ever get that thing where your brain feels physically fragmented

#words words words !!#🎰#did #dissociative identity disorder #osdd #other specified dissociative disorder #endos dni with this post specifically please and ty

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sophieinwonderland · 1 month

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An Autism culture blog is spreading misinformation about endogenic systems...

The misinformation:

Naturally, all of this is wrong.

The only true statement here is "you could probably learn a lot more about these things in your own research." Because yeah... Doing your own research is likely to bring you to actually valid sources of information instead of whatever this is.

Real Information:

Endogenic systems are not a "fake form of dissociative disorder."

Endogenic systems ARE plural systems who experience multiple agents, or "headmates," sharing the same body in some way without trauma. Usually, endogenic systems don't even report having any sort of dissociative disorder at all.

And this is a real experience that's been repeatedly acknowledged by the psychiatric community.

So much so that the World Health Organization's diagnostic handbook, the ICD-11, specifically states that you can experience the presence of multiple "distinct identity states" without a mental disorder.

"Distinct identity states" is the same wording the ICD-11 uses to describe alters that characterized DID:

It's also acknowledged in the book Transgender Mental Health by Eric Yarbrough, which was reviewed and published by the American Psychiatric Association, that you can be plural without trauma or a disorder:

...

Additionally, the phrasing that endogenic plurality "mocks and invalidates people who are actually plural" is especially harmful as it erases and rewrites a huge part of plural history. That is, the fact that "plural" is an inclusive term coined and popularized to by non-disordered and endogenic systems.

Back in the 90s, the popular term that was used was "multiple," originating with "multiple personality disorder," the old name for DID.

The shift towards using "plural" was an effort by non-disordered systems to distance themselves from medical and pathologizing language. As you can see from this article from the 90s:

We don't claim that every multiple system/household is a happy loving cooperative one. What we do question is the *identification* of "real multiples" with the characteristics or symptoms of a psychological disorder. We go further: we question by what right or authority doctors and therapists are given sole jurisdiction over the definition of "an individual".

This is one reason our clan encourages use of the word "plural" rather than "multiple". "Multiple", even standing by itself, brings to mind MPD/DID, "multiple personality disorder", "dissociative identity disorder", which are specific diagnoses created by the medical/therapeutic community. "Plural" is a much more neutral word, more commonly heard in the context of grammar than psychiatry. (The other reason, of course, is that plural can be construed to have a broader meaning, applying to anyone(s) anywhere on the continuum who experience themselves as plural in some way. )

The Bottom Line:

An autism culture blog should be lifting up all neurodivergents. Not spreading misinformation about them and encouraging hate!

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rubys-delusions · 9 months

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because i've seen a handful of misconceptions lately:

not every alter needs to split from trauma. after the initial split from anywhere ages 0-9* from overwhelming, ongoing trauma(s) to a child, they can split for whatever the brain feels is necessary, and with a highly traumatized brain, it's definition of "necessary" might not always make sense! this can be anywhere from a trauma holder for a specific event, to an alter that's just there to play video games.

i know everyone says it but i still see it around: you do not need to remember your trauma to be a system. that is why your brain split in the first place; so you can carry on with day to day life without processing what you went through every second of the day. "but what if i dont remember anything?" this is exactly what im referring to, that means the disorder is doing what its technically supposed to. (i say technically because of course, amnesia is never as clear cut as its made out to be.)

on that topic, dissociative amnesia can look like, literally, a million different things and you don't need to have full blackouts in order to have "enough" amnesia. certain alters might remember certain things better, or forget things easier. you might not realize you even forgot something in the first place until you try to remember it. you might seemingly have very little amnesia at first until you try to remember the plot of the show you watched the other day, what you seemingly wanted to work on a few hours ago or why you even wanted to do that thing in the first place, or how close you are with someone. *"hold on, 0-9? every resource says ages 6-9!" it is theorized that the brain finishes integration of the self from ages 6-9. this means that if you experience any sort of long term trauma before age 9, your brain might not have finished integrating, or integrated partially.

#did #actually did #cdd system #did system #plural system #osdd system #osdd 1 #dissociative identity disorder #pdid

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madpunks · 7 months

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"it's really hard to get a diagnosis for dissociative identity disorder, which means it's fake." no, what that means is that the vast majority of diagnosing psychiatric professionals (at least in America and Canada) are not trained at all on dissociative disorders and did not receive enough training in trauma therapy to be able to recognize the signs of DID.

we were diagnosed 3 years after we originally tried to seek help for it, only because we were lucky enough to find someone who had sought the training and did the research. it has been confirmed since by several other professionals who have specifically gone through the training. it can and does happen, but the reason it's hard is because us dissociatives can't match up easily with the professionals that know jack shit about it.

that's the problem. a lack of competent providers and ways to get dissociative patients to see the ones that exist.

#mental health #dissociative identity disorder #actually dissociative #did #osdd #dissociative disorders #osdd 1b #dpdr #mental illness #neurodivergence #neurodivergent #ptsd #mental health awareness #trauma #our writing

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projectionistwrites · 1 year

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FOR SCIENCE | the project proposal

In which the Moon Knight alter system presents a unique opportunity to settle the nature versus nurture debate, once and for all...

Steven Grant/Marc Spector/Jake Lockley x afab!psychologist!reader (3.2k+)

RATING: EXPLICIT (18+, mdni) WARNINGS: descriptions of mental illness, depictions of DID, fetishization of mental disorders (DID), potentially unethical scientific practices, no smut in this part NOTES: again, please don’t read this if you’re concerned at all with research ethics, as this is NOT a good demonstration of scientific procedures and studies. DISCLAIMER: although i’m incredibly knowledgeable about psychology, i am NOT a professional. all psychoanalyses made throughout the course of this storyline are entirely my own, based on my own interpretations of the characters. in a similar vein, i am also not an expert on DID specifically (although i am well-read on mental disorders and diagnoses), so i apologize for any incorrect terminology or misrepresentation. don’t hesitate to call me out if i say something wrong!

next part →

Marc Spector’s psyche was a psychologist’s wet dream.

Three distinct personalities, completely separated from each other, all occupying the same host body. At one point, all mutually unaware of the others, but now living together in solidarity and (relative) cooperation.

Meeting Marc Spector was a happy accident—but meeting a man with a clearcut case of Dissociative Identity Disorder as a Professor of Psychology? Now that was just pure, dumb luck.

You had met Steven Grant first. You’d run into him at the British Museum during a university-sponsored visit. Your interaction had been brief, but it was memorable for you nonetheless—there was just something about those soft brown eyes and dopey, shy smile that melted your heart.

Imagine your surprise when you accidentally ran into that same man on the bus, only for him to introduce himself as Marc with a midwestern American accent and a cold, calculated gleam in his stare. He was forward and confident—very much unlike your previous encounter with him. When you called his bluff and swore you’d interacted with him under the guise of Steven, he pulled you aside and gently tried to justify the confusion.

“It’s—I have this...condition. It’s—have you ever heard of Dissociative Identity Disorder?”

You had tried hard to fight your smile.

“Yeah, I’m familiar with it.”

It was only revealed to him—after his winded and lengthy explanation—that you had a doctorate degree in clinical psychology and specialized in mental disorders.

Steven’s curiosity was piqued, and Marc silently hoped you’d be able to shed some insight into the functioning of his fragmented mind. You quickly established an easy friendship, somewhat reminiscent of a relationship between a client and therapist—although you knew and cared for each other on a much deeper and more intimate level.

Several months later, you were finally introduced to the most elusive alter within the system—Jake Lockley.

You began to spend the majority of your free time with the men—all three of them seemed to be relatively taken with you. Steven was sweet, Marc was shrewd, and Jake was steadfast. It was sometimes difficult to conceptualize that they all shared the same physical body with how differently they behaved.

It hadn’t started as a project—genuinely, truly, it hadn’t. It wasn’t your intention to be so captivated by those big brown puppy-dog eyes or the softness within his smile. And the feelings you had for him—for all of them—were real, and raw, and indisputable. You would never, ever, ever do anything to make them feel uncomfortable or jeopardize your relationships in any way.

Which is why this was such a bad fucking idea.

Your nails drummed against the side of your porcelain coffee mug as your nervously chewed on the cap of your red pen, making a futile attempt to focus on grading the research report in front of you, but your attention was clearly elsewhere. Your eyes kept darting to the clock on the wall across from you, watching the second hand tick away slowly. The coffee shop was playing gentle soothing acoustic songs, the smell of cinnamon lingering in the air, but even the coziness wasn’t enough to shake your nerves.

“Hey, there, Doc.”

Your head perked at the sound of a familiar voice, a warming hand clapping your shoulder as Marc Spector walked to the other side of the small table and sat down across from you. You groaned at his greeting, pulling your reading glasses from your nose and setting them on the table in front of you.

“Marc, I swear, if you call me that one more time, I’ll—”

He threw his hands up in mock surrender, although he was smirking slyly at you.

“Alright, alright, jeez—what’s got you wound up so tight, huh?”

He reached for the paper on top of the stack in front of you, reading off the title aloud.

“An In-depth Investigation Into the Underlying Psychological Causes of Erectile Dysfunction in Men Under 50.”

His face contorted in a look of disgust.

“Jesus—that’s gotta be the most boring fuckin’ thing I’ve ever heard.”

You watched as his eyes fluttered briefly, his posture sinking and his features softening. When his eyes regained focus, he shook his head, huffing.

“Bugger off, Marc—I think it sounds plenty interestin’.”

Steven smiled graciously, offering the packet back to you. You accepted it tiredly, throwing it atop the pile of what seemed like an endless supply of mediocre student submissions that had yet to be graded.

“Thanks, Steven, but Marc’s right—my brain’s fried. I swear, if I have to read another shitty case study about men whose dicks don’t work, I’ll gouge my eyes out.”

The man chuckled at your confession as you shoved the stack of papers into your briefcase clumsily, snapping it shut without a second thought and letting it fall back to the floor beside your table. You carefully picked up your mug and took a long, slow sip—your coffee was barely lukewarm, at this point, as you’d be sitting at the cafe for hours, working quietly as you patiently waited on your friend’s arrival.

Although Steven was blissfully oblivious, Marc was observant. His consciousness pushed to the front, studying you carefully—your white-knuckled grip against your cup, your shifty eyes that were looking everywhere but at him, the tension in your shoulders and nervous bouncing of your leg.

“Alright—what’s wrong?”

Your gaze snapped over to him where he was sat with arms crossed over his chest, eyes narrowed in suspicion. You tried to force a smile in an effort to cover up your uncertainty.

“Nothing’s wrong, Marc. Promise.”

You held his gaze intently, trying to convince him with your half-hearted response. His stare didn't waver, and after a few brief moments, you had to look down, overwhelmed with the intensity of his scrutiny.

“Alright, let’s try that again. Y/N—what’s wrong?”

You let a long, exasperated sigh, running a tired hand down your face. This had been weighing on you for a few days, at this point, and you still weren’t sure if you could handle the emotional labor this conversation would require.

“It’s true, nothing’s—nothing’s wrong, per se, I just—I just need to talk to you. I’ve—I have this idea—”

“Like—a work-related, science-y idea? You want Steven? Or—I can try my best to help, but sometimes you get excited and start talking really fast and I can’t keep up, but—”

“No, Marc, it’s not—I mean, it’s not really science-y, but like, also—it kinda is? I don’t know how to explain it, but I really need to—”

“I mean, whatever it is, you seem pretty worried about it, so obviously it’s important, and—and I just wanna make sure we’re giving you whatever response you need, or, at least—”

“Jesus, Marc, if you’d let me finish.”

You clipped, and his jaw snapped shut instantaneously, somewhat taken aback by your outburst. You were normally so controlled, practiced with your expressions, so seeing any sign of emotional imbalance was startling.

Guilt immediately flooded your stomach after you lashed out—you buried your head in your hands, taking a few slow, deliberate breaths in an attempt to quell your rapid heartbeat.

“Shit—sorry, I didn’t mean—this is just... I’m not sure how to go about this.”

You felt the featherlight brush of calloused fingertips against your forearm, coaxing your face away from your palms. When you finally lifted your head, Steven had returned, his eyes soft and reassuring. He pulled your hand into his, squeezing briefly before rubbing his thumb comfortingly across your knuckles.

“S’alright, love, truly. Take as much time as you need, and—and if there’s anythin’ you need from us, it’s yours. Just—whenever you’re ready.”

You tried to ignore the butterflies flitting in your stomach at Steven’s gentle promise. You inhaled once more, before finding his eyes.

“This—I need to talk to all three of you. Can you—are you in a place where you can all be co-conscious?”

Steven’s lips turned up at the corners at your thoughtfulness. He received verbal responses from both Marc and Jake—a confirmation that they were both actively listening.

“’Course. We’re all here. Is—do you have a preference, as to who you’d like to speak with?”

You returned his smile, offering a slight squeeze to his hand.

“I mean—since you’re already fronting, might as well stay, huh?”

Steven blushed, trying to fight the giddiness that came from your validation. He quickly steeled himself, reminding himself that you were struggling to open up to him.

“Alright. Whenever you’re ready, then, yeah?”

You cautiously pulled your hand away from his, mostly to keep yourself grounded and get out what you needed before you second-guessed yourself.

“So.”

You cautiously began.

“I had this—this idea. And it’s—it sounds crazy, and I get that, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, especially because—well, I just feel like this is something that could have damning effects on the entire field of psychology, with both practical and theoretical applications, but—that doesn’t mean—I don’t want you to feel obligated by any means to agree, or—or to feel pressured into anything, and I definitely don’t want you to think that—that I’m using you, because that couldn’t be farther from the truth, I swear, and—”

“Y/N.”

His tone was soft, a quiet interruption from your rambling, and your eyes widened in concern. However, he offered you a reassuring nod.

“Just tell us what it is, yeah? We’ll go from there.”

You nodded slowly, squeezing your eyes shut, before beginning again.

“There’s this huge debate in psychology. It’s pretty much the basis of a lot of our research—the whole nature versus nurture debate. Basically, it’s all about how much of our personalities can be attributed to genetics versus how much can be attributed to our life experiences.”

Steven was listening intently, leaning forward into your words.

“Well, it’s—it’s a concept that’s really difficult to research, because, well, we don’t really have a basis of comparison. The best thing we have to go off of is when identical twins get separated at birth and grow up in different places. Or, at least—that was the best we’ve had up until this point. Does—does that make sense?”

“Yes.”

He assured, nodding in acknowledgement. You only hoped the other two alters were keeping up.

“So, basically what I’m getting at here, is, well—you, and—and all three of you, really—Marc and Jake, you guys provide a really, really unique opportunity, because, well—you share a body. So, physiologically, you’re completely identical. The only thing that’s different about you is who you are, so—your life experiences and memories and things like that. You’re—you’re like the perfect example of how our experiences shape our beings.”

“Right. Right.”

Steven followed your train of thought carefully, brows furrowed. You took a deep breath. This is the part you were dreading.

“So, I had this thought... you three boys are so vastly different from each other. Like, really, really different, and—and you each have your own preferences, things like that, but—but you still have the same body. In my Abnormal Psych course, we’re studying intimacy and desire right now. So—so what I was wondering was about your—your sexuality. Like, to what extent are your sexual preferences due to your biology rather than your cognition.”

Steven blew out a shaky exhale, though he tried not to appear perturbed by your words. His mind was silent—he could feel the intense focus from his alters, now hanging on your every word.

“What if there was a way, to, you know, test, how different your sexual preferences are? And to test and see how your arousal is different, or the same, based on locations of stimulation and things like that?”

Bloody fucking hell.

In a split second, Marc was fronting, Steven slipping back into the headspace, completely overwhelmed and unsure of what to say or how to react. You noticed the abrupt switch, and after recovering from the brief whiplash, you felt panic spur within you. You’d scared him away.

Marc’s brows were furrowed, like he wasn’t completely picking up what you were putting down.

“So, what exactly are you suggesting?”

You closed your eyes.

“I guess—what I’m suggesting is that you—you help me research. You—you let me study you, each of you, independently, to see—to see how different your sexual behaviors and preferences are.”

“Like—like a questionnaire, or something?”

Marc questioned, but when you shook your head, eyes casting downwards, it suddenly dawned on him. Steven’s departure made sense. Everything made sense.

“So... so lemme get this straight.”

Marc made a stopping motion with his hand, gesturing for you to pause.

“You—want to have sex, with me—with us... for science?”

“Well, I mean, it—it doesn’t necessarily have to be with me, I could—we could find someone else, if you’re more comfortable, and—and I could just observe, or—”

“So you’re a voyeur, now?”

You jolted and Marc’s vulgarity, eyes quickly scanning your surroundings to make sure no one was listening in on your conversation. Luckily, the cafe was relatively deserted at that point.

“No! No, that’s not—I’m just saying, with what I’m suggesting, it—it would make the most sense for the researcher to—to be more hands-on, but that’s...”

Your voice trailed off, staring at a speck of grime on the table, trying to calm the rapid racing of your heart.

Yeah, seems she's interested in being real hands-on, huh?

Marc struggled to hold in his snickering at Jake’s internal dialogue, but after seeing the worry that was clinging to your features, his sympathy prevailed.

“Y/N.”

He spoke calmly, cool and collected. Your eyes flitted to his, where he was watching you intently. However, you could see the ghost of a smirk on his face.

“So what you’re saying is... you want to have sex, with me, for science.”

He reiterated, and you opened your mouth to protest, to defend your credibility, to rationalize your bizarre proposition, but instead, a long sigh escaped you as you admitted defeat.

“Yes. Yeah. That’s…exactly what I’m saying.”

A brief silence stagnated between you, and there was a tightness forming in your chest as every worst-case-scenario began coming to fruition in the forefront of your mind.

“I’m—I’m so sorry, Marc, I didn’t mean to overstep, or—or—”

“What, exactly, would this entail?”

Marc inquired, unable to deny his curiosity. You blinked once, then twice, processing his words.

“So—so you’ll do it?”

He held up his hands as if to tell you to slow down.

“Just—hang on. Hypothetically speaking, what—what would this even look like?”

Excitement zipped up your skin as you reached down into your briefcase, pulling out a manila folder full of several sheets of scribbled ideas and disorganized thoughts.

“Well, see, I’ve been brainstorming—”

Christ, she has the whole thing planned.

Steven’s voice sounded faint, breathless, winded. Marc ignored him, instead focusing in on your sudden enthusiasm.

“—and I came up with a research plan. So, the way it would go—we’d meet for the weekend, three weekends in a row, with a week break in between. Each alter will have their own weekend to be the subject of study. Day one, we—well, you would lead the sexual encounter. Do what you want, showcase what sex usually looks like for you, what you like, what you don’t like—”

Marc's mind was reeling. He shamelessly attempted to ignore the effect your words were having on him. Do what you want. What you like. To you.

You were still talking.

“—and then the second day, you’d let me take the reins. I’ll psychoanalyze your behavior from the first day, and synthesize that with all the information I already have about you, and I’ll try to—well, I don’t wanna say push your buttons, but—basically, as shitty as it sounds, I’d be trying to bring to light any vulnerabilities, prod at the soft spots, stuff like that. Try to see if I can find what it is each of you seeks out through sexual intimacy. Does that make sense?”

Marc shook his head, lost in thought, but he blinked away the fog in his mind and quickly corrected himself with a nod.

“Yeah, I mean—I think so? Would this—what would you do, once it’s over? Like, what’s the point?”

“It would never be published, or shared with anyone else, I can promise you that. It’s—it would mostly be for me. Kind of like a passion project, I guess. I’ve been thinking about it for awhile, and, well...”

Passion project?

What’s she mean, ‘she’s been thinkin’ about it for awhile?’

Marc almost shushed the voices in his head aloud, trying to clear his head of static so he could properly take all of this in.

He looked up at you, and you were staring up at him with eye round and hopeful, almost reverent as they passed over him. He blew out a slow breath.

“Do... can we have time to think about it? To talk about it?”

The fuck do you mean, jefe? I’m ready to start right now.

You nodded encouragingly, although Marc caught the brief glimmer of disappointment in your eyes.

“Of course, Marc. Take as long as you need. And—please don’t feel obligated to say yes. I mean it. I know—I know this kind of came out of left field, and—and I don’t want to violate any boundaries, or—or jeopardize our friendship in any way, I would never want to do anything to make you uncomfortable, just—”

You stalled your tangent with a slow breath.

“Just let me know, okay?”

Marc nodded at you, smiling softly and contemplatively as he rose from the table and exited the coffeeshop, leaving you to stew in anticipation and something adjacent to remorse.

The call came in the next day, at 11am on the dot. It was Steven on the other line when you answered, walking out of the lecture hall doors as your class adjourned.

“Hello?”

You answered.

“Mornin’, Y/N. It’s, uh—It’s Steven.”

You giggled.

“I know, Steven. I have caller ID, and believe it or not, your accent is kind of distinct.”

You could practically hear him blush on the other end.

“Right. Yeah. Well, I just—I was callin’ to, uh—Christ, of course they made me do this, I can’t even—”

“Steven.”

You interrupted gently, your calmness soothing his nerves to some degree. He took a breath.

“Sorry. I—We talked it over. The whole—your experiment. And—and I think we’re all up for it.”

You froze in your tracks, students continuing to rush around on either side of you in the hallway. Your hand was shaking.

“I—really? Are you sure?”

“Well, no—I mean, yeah, I just—of course, I’ve got some reservations, but, I mean—it’s for science, yeah?"

A smile was creeping up your face.

“Yeah. Yes. For—for research purposes.”

Yeah, solely research purposes, my ass.

Marc quipped internally, and Steven gulped.

“Right, then. Could we—shall we meet again today, or—whenever, to talk it over a bit more?”

You nodded before realizing he couldn’t see you.

“That’d be perfect. We can meet same time, same place as yesterday?”

He gave a hum of agreement, and you felt suddenly breathless as the reality of the situation began to set in.

“Right. I’ll—I’ll see you then, okay, Steven?”

“Yeah, ‘lright, cheers.”

“And, Steven?”

You called quickly, hoping to catch him before he ended the call.

He hummed in response. You smiled.

“Thank you. Really, thank you.”

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