I’m a ghost and you are a shadow
Part one | part two | part three | part four | part five | part six | part seven | part eight | part nine | part ten | part eleven
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Ever since the Upside-down and Vecna and the world going to shit, Steve’s spent a lot of time roaming the bars inside and out of Hawkins. Once he’d finished with his dad’s liquor cabinet and the only liquor store in town stopped selling to him, he started being a regular at multiple establishments.
It was hard, after losing Max and El and Will and others Steve couldn’t think about without ripping open the wounds again. The portals were all closed, but at what cost? The world was technically saved, but Steve’s was a wreck. The metaphorical wounds were still ripped up and bleeding, fresh holes that would never quite stitch themselves over and heal.
His parents never came back, and he couldn’t even blame them, it’s not like he expected to be worth it to them. He was an adult now, on his own, there was no need for them to come back and pick him up. Honestly, he never wanted to see them again, didn’t really even know who they were. Steve had lived with practical strangers his whole life, made a semblance of family from skin and bone, and had it all ripped away from him.
Steve Harrington was always meant to be alone.
So he drank, went back to King Steve’s routes, used the alcohol to ground him while his mind drifted away to heaven or hell or wherever. It didn’t matter, because Steve never remembered the night before. The nightmares melted with the sunrise, the tremors and gasps, and flooding eyes gave way to cotton mouth and hunger in the daylight, and the blinding sun made it easier to forget all the bad things. Easier, but altogether impossible none the less.
So Steve didn’t quite remember how he ended up in the woods behind his house, dead leaves tangled in his hair and a particularly sharp twig shoved into his spine. He groaned against the sunlight blinding him through the branches and dug the stick out from under him, standing up on wobbling legs to trudge back inside. It wasn’t uncommon to find himself on his porch or lying in an old and tattered lounge chair, or even on a park bench some times. He wandered a lot. There was nothing else to do.
He still had money in his trust fund, still had his parents house to stay in, it wasn’t like anyone was knocking on his door to put him back together. Eddie was somewhere, in another state or wherever he ran off to. Again, Steve couldn’t blame him, either. Wayne wasn’t here anymore, there was no reason for Eddie to stay after everything. There wasn’t any reason for Steve to stay, but there wasn’t anywhere for him to go, either.
So he stayed. So he drank. So he blacked out and woke up outside sometimes.
He rested against a tree for a minute, trying to gain his bearings and see past the blinding sunlight, rubbing circles into his eyes until he saw sparks of white behind his eyelids. He was probably a mess, probably looked half dead, hadn’t been able to look into a mirror in months.
Blinking out into his backyard, he could see a bit better now but the world still wobbled on its axis just a bit. It would probably be another half hour until he was sober enough to see straight, but he wasn’t going to stay in the burning sun for that. He trekked across the dead grass of his yard, using passing lawn chairs and tables as crutches to make the distance more bearable, ignored the memories pressing at the edges of his mind and embraced the pain in his head to push the thoughts away.
The house seemed a bit cleaner on the inside than he last remembered, but he couldn’t be sure. He couldn’t remember the last time he cleaned, but he couldn’t remember much of anything these days. That was the point, after all.
Steve rounded the hallway into the open arch of the kitchen entry — hoping he had some cereal left in the pantry somewhere, not brave enough to handle the stares and whispers he’d get at the diner or grocery store — when he was roughly slammed against the kitchen wall. His head swam with the abrupt movement, stomach churning uncomfortably. He blinked against the sudden impact, feeling one of his own kitchen knives at his throat; pressing, but not digging, a warning. The knife wobbled slightly before the grip righted, pressing just a bit stronger than before, a threat.
Steve opened his eyes, trying to get his brain back online in his hazy state. Putting the pieces together slowly. Brown hair. Curly. Angry eyes. A set grimace on his lips. Eddie Munson. The last time Eddie Munson had a sharp object to his neck, Steve was pinned to the wall of Reefer Rick’s boat house. Now, pinned to the wall of his own kitchen, Steve couldn’t pull his eyes away, couldn’t fathom what Eddie would be doing here, either.
“Eddie? What the fuck are you doing in my house?” He asked, pushing through the uncomfortable cotton mouth and stale alcohol taste on his tongue.
Eddie just stared at him, the hand fisted into Steve’s shirt tightening. He winced.
“Seriously dude, what are you doing?” Was he still asleep outside? Was he ever outside? What the hell did he drink last night?
Eddie kept staring, glaring, like Steve did something wrong again. Steve always did something wrong, he just couldn’t figure out what. The grip on his shirt tightened again, pinching Steve’s chest and clearing his head just a bit more. Definitely not a dream.
“Who are you?” Eddie growled out, shoving Steve harder into the wall.
Steve blinked. What? That was not the question Steve was expecting. Not that he was expecting any of this, really.
“Who. Are. You?” Eddie repeated.
“Steve. Harring-ton?” Steve replied, following the other man’s cadence, words dripping with confusion.
Eddie’s glare tightened like his grip, knife digging into his throat just a bit more. He was sure his brain should be screaming danger, danger, danger, but the fact that it was Eddie standing in front of him was throwing him way off kilter.
“Seriously, Eddie, what’s going on?” Steve begged, unsure if the confusion muddling his brain was because of the alcohol, lack of any decent nutrition for the past few months, or something else. Did he seriously miss something so big that had Eddie up in arms like this? He couldn’t possibly look so bad he was unrecognizable.
“Is this some kind of trick from Vecna? Hm? What are you?”
“Eddie, man, I seriously have no clue what you’re talking about!” Steve’s voice was gaining a more hysterical edge at this point, but it had no effect on Eddie what-so-ever. “I am so not sober enough for this, just tell me what’s going on!”
“Steve Harrington is dead!” Eddie yelled in his face, “Steve Harrington is dead, so what the fuck are you?”
—
If y’all have world building questions pls ask in the replies because maybe it’ll get me somewhere near a plot. Anyway, please enjoy sad lonely Steve
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TW sexual assault/abuse
the urge to write a non-supernatural stranger things fic where billy wasn't taken by the mind flayer but was instead violated by a real person. there are so many parallels between the mind flayer and a rapist /sexual abuser. it would be so interesting to explore this concept. okay listen.
everyone starts to get wary of billy's sudden changes in behaviour. for example, he starts wearing too many layers, he puts on fake smiles to act like everything is okay, he dissociates, he doesn't like when people touch him. he's aggressive and lashes out often. his moods switch very quickly and suddenly (sauna scene + fight with the kids).
his sauna scene can also be interpreted as him begging for help and for someone to protect him from his rapist. "please believe me, max" can be seen as a victim wanting to be believed. it shows how desperate he is for someone, specifically family, to believe him and to believe that it actually happened.
"it's like a shadow" and his other lines where he expresses his confusion also connect to the detachment of the body and mind that victims often experience during the assault. also, the shower scene with heather- it's like he's trying to get clean but he can't and the black veins represent the phantom touches of his attacker.
even the "taking of billy hargrove" scene was creepy. him being dragged down the stairs, something forcing its way into his mouth, pinning him down, billy trying to escape by running to the phone.
abuse victims, SA victims- they're mistreated if they act out or are not "innocent enough." billy was villainized while he was flayed. it can represent how SA victims are often treated like the bad guy if they don't look the part. oh my goodness. i just have so many thoughts about this.. i wanna start writing a fic for this so bad
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dean struggles so much with his masculinity, he always knew really deep inside that he was bisexual. It’s just something he couldn’t quite verbalize and more importantly, it was something he could ignore. For years his father had drilled a certain practiced type of masculinity into him, like a soldier he worked under John’s watchful eye. This sort of frankly stereotypical masculinity was all Dean knew, no matter how many times his gaze would be distracted by a pretty boy he would push it all down, he would explain it away in his brain. No, Dean couldn’t be gay or anything of course not. Dean drowned himself in this toxic hypermasculinity, women and porn. It was all he knew.
Until Castiel, angel of the lord “gripped him tight and raised him from perdition.”
Suddenly Dean’s attraction to men was at the forefront of his mind, every time his eyes would catch on Castiel’s, a certain gut-wrenching feeing would tear into his insides. Dean tried, he tried so hard to ignore and explain away just as he had before. But there was something about Cas, something that drew Dean in, except Dean felt as if he was being drawn into a gaping hole surely to jump to his death. He dreaded loving Cas, it was absolutely terrifying. Even years after John’s death it’s as if his ghost was hanging behind Dean’s shoulder. Each time he felt even a sliver of affection towards that angel of a man Dean would feel a stab of guilt, of fear. Dean wanted so bad to love Cas unabashedly, to be able to touch him, kiss him, cry to him. He would shed silent tears at night wishing for Castiel to hold him, grip him tight and raise him from his personal perdition.
Dean eventually grew numb to the heartache, accepting that truly Castiel’s love was something he could never have. It destroyed him to think of tender moments between them, to ache at every touch, convinced in his mind that he and his broken love would ever be enough for Castiel, such a grandiose creature of heaven. Dean could never be good enough, he would think.
To think that Castiel would love him scars and all, still his beautiful Dean Winchester. It was unfathomable. Dean could never see how Cas saw him, he could never see the beauty and love that Cas could. It was as if he had been impaled, it was a deep pit of dispair that grew inside of him knowing that Castiel had loved him all along, that they were so close to having it all. Dean could barely look down at himself without feeling that disgusting guilt that permeated his entire life. His mind filled with endless “if only”s of what could’ve been.
But now Dean was alone.
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