#our human story

[bizarrelittlemew]

i can't wait to be 30+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 40+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 50+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 60+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 70+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 80+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 90+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to look back on my life and know that i loved things deeply and passionately and was inspired to create and was part of communities with incredible people from all over the world brought together by the stories that touched us

#and still be mad at shithead executives for unfairly cancelling my pirate show #also imagine what my ao3 word count will be like. gonna be writing my little fics in the nursing home #sometimes when i get frustrated over my writing i have to remember that i've only been doing it for a little over a year #and not in my native language #there is still so much time and so much to learn and try and discover and explore and i am EXCITED #there is something so ancient and beautiful about humans being brought together by stories #storytelling is what humans have always done and will always do and what will always connect us #to our past to the future to each other #sorry for the 1 am ramblings #fandom #🐭📓

[feelingthedisaster]

writing is so amazing in the way we just invent things as they go, its all pure imagination, everything is "this happens because i think of it" no matter how unrealistic it is, we are creators of worlds, of people, of everything we think of,

just because we can

#its all in our heads #it comes with an epiphany or dream out of nowhere and boom #a story #completely make up #humans amaze me #writeblr #writer #writing #writers on tumblr #writing is hard #writing memes

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

He was just being a silly little guy!

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #jin guangyao #wen ruohan #nie mingjue #lan xichen #JGY's character is the zigging and zagging guy of all time #We love a little meow meow that can bite and scratch and kill you. #We also love a little meow meow that can mewl pathetically! #'He's evil now and torturing his former friend?" ZAG TIME: He's a spy and feels soooo awful about it!! #ZIG TIME: He (probably) didn't need to go that deep into the role and kill as many people as he did. #Something I really love about the sworn brother trio is how they reflect how our feelings distort our perception of others. #Lan Xichen represents how when we love/care about someone -anything they do can be endearing. They aren't manipulative: they are clever. #Its less about rose tinted glasses and more about reframing every look you get of them. The constant justifications you make for them. #They just need a space to be loved! “They care for me so I will stand by them no matter what to show them I'm there for them!” #While NMJ represents how when you dislike someone - Everything they do is an affront or proof of their foul character. #Everything is a sign. Everything is 'proof' they are just as awful as you want them to be. Every 'good trait' is twisted. #The problem is that most people are just human. They are flawed and they are capable of good and bad things. #Meng Yao's motivations are very complex. Yet he's extremely human all the same. He isn't the saint nor the monster of the story.

[lastoneout]

ngl ALL of across the spiderverse was fantastic but that short scene where we got to see a disabled spider-person using a wheelchair and crutches while STILL kicking ass AND making jokes and puns about said mobility aids while doing so singlehandedly cured my depression and added 500 years to my lifespan <3

#spiderman is something that can be so personal actually #I have been thinking about why spiderman is so popular #and I really think it's bcs spiderman is a hero we can all see ourselves in #I don't think suffering is integral to spiderman's story exactly like I like that Miles is saying 'no we can end this cycle' #but I do think spiderman embodies how flawed we as humans are #and our drive to do good and live and get back up no matter how much pain we go through #spiderman really is so personal #and atsv proved that #atsv #atsv spoilers #across the spiderverse spoilers #across the spiderverse

[fumifooms]

Laios Touden and autism; admiring the non-human

Do you think people exaggerate when they scream about Laios being autistic? Do you feel like it’s weird that so many people including autistics are so set on Laios, the problematic (but incredible and kind) king TM, being the most autistic that has ever autisticed? Why do we cheer on autistic people wanting to be monsters?? Isn’t that weird?

Well, of course it depends on the way it’s done, it can be done quite offensively, but long story short Kui blew it out of the park. The thing is, autistic people really do like monsters and animals and robots. Nonhuman does not mean subhuman, it just means Other. Feeling a connection with them has been shown to be an extremely common autistic experience for that very reason.

Because some people don’t understand why we autistic Tumblr Laios stans cheer “autism! Autism!” whenever he talks about monsters and feeling alienated to humans so! Here’s a post about how yes even research papers are analyzing the special connection we form with animals. I’m not even joking but Laios Touden & the mass cries of relatability with autistic people he gets and all the love for him could be used as study material and evidence for future papers because the link is that strong. Oh also I think it’s notable that being autistic and undiagnosed vs diagnosed makes a huge difference. In my experience as someone who was undiagnosed up until 18, it’s even more alienating to not know that there’s a reason why you’re different, being gaslit that you’re ‘normal’ and you just need to try harder and get with the program, etc. Personally when getting diagnosed I went through the 5 stages of grief because the thought of having been fundamentally different all your life (a difference which you will never be able to change) and mistreated for it when you weren’t “wrong” all along makes you unload all the anger and sadness and loneliness and sheer trauma you’ve built up over time. Like it’s world shattering.

So! Back to seeing dogs as family. Also I implore you to value experiential evidence when it comes to autism and other neurodivergences because brains are complicated and neurotypicals not being able to understand us well even with scientific research is like, a whole thing even though we’re right there speaking about how we feel and being right every time because the topic is literally us and how we experience the world. 

Disclaimer for this whole post that, of course, no group is a monolith and everyone has different experiences or can diverge from the norm of the group, and that doesn’t diminish the validity of either side! Like, I know autistic people who have trauma with dogs and hate them. But, trends do happen, and in this case... Autism is very “My experiences with humans make me feel dehumanized in a bad and lonely way so instead I’ll dehumanize myself in a good and inspiring way”.

“I was treated like a failed human my entire life and you’re surprised that my response was to become a dog.” -Patricia Taxxon

It’s literally well recorded that autistic people relate to animals more than humans globally. With this post, besides spreading autistic Laios truthism and explaining why the portrayal hits so deep for so many,  I want to show in what way this is a very specific experience and not looking at his character through an autistic lense really misses a lot of why he’s everything that he is. (Tacking allegedly onto here for legal reasons, different interpretations are valid etc etc /gen). This honestly isn’t super long though.

To define an important term, anthropomorphism in the studies and in this post means to attribute human traits to the nonhuman, which not only includes anthro furry designs but also animals irl, inanimate objects, and animated media as opposed to live action, to humanize them and empathize with them.

Paper: https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/aut.2019.0027 

“Dogs taught me how to hunt and socialize and work in groups”, Laios having internalized body language... So real so real. I, too, make a great dog impression. And I want to emphase the part that it helps greatly develop a sense of emotions and relationships! For Laios, he didn’t get along with kids his age, it was him, Falin and the dogs against the world. Since it’s a group of dogs too, it taught him group dynamics and social hierarchies (like with Falin being considered as being below the dogs in authority according to the dogs rip), and the importance of group coordination when hunting.

For me, I cannot like, concisely explain just how much animals were important to me developmentally. I also grew up with dogs, but like I vividly remember encounters with like hamsters as well just radically shaping my understanding of boundaries, the importance of giving something space and the way you interact with them and respect their side of it. Unlike humans they don’t really mask how they feel, it’s direct cause-effect reaction and data gathering. There are no words involved, so the focus on having a perfect phrasing and tone is gone, leaving just pure interactions. 

There’s also no reason to mask how you feel either, and you don’t have to feel silly over wanting to form a connection and it showing, what, is the dog gonna laugh at you because you obviously want to make friends with it? Toshiro or Kabru might, but dogs and cats will just tell you to fuck off and leave it there worst case scenario. I often say that I think one reason Marcille is special to Laios and he feels comfortable around her is because she emotes INTENSELY, she gestures, she puts her whole body into it, her facial expressions are pretty exaggerated and her ears even emote too- like with a dog’s ears!

I think there’s def also things to be said about how he gravitated towards Izutsumi at first, all excited, was eager to sleep in the same bed as her, but in the Izutsumi sleep rating chart we see they really just casual and chill so it’s not a Laios talking to Shuro deep into the night situation just a “I like sleeping besides animals” situation and that is enough to hype him up. I love how he pet her in the extra about why Chil let her sleep with him too. He’s just so transparently eager to befriend her, even if in the end they weren’t all that compatible and he accepted that.

There are honestly so many examples I could give for this. Like Grandin the famous cow lady.

More about autism & empathy:

https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/double-empathy-explained/ (Also mentions a study in which groups of autistic, allistic then a mixed group played a game of telephone and both singular groups had similar levels of information retention, but the mixed group was significantly worse. As an autistic person yeah duh, obviously autistic people are different from one another and can have plenty of interpersonal issues, but communicating with other neurodivergent people feels pretty intuitive and straightforward and comfortable. One of the reasons why neurodivergent people tend to naturally gravitate towards each other I suppose.) 

^ Paper: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5932358/  For good, extensive summary of why we relate to animals so much you can go to the “anthromorphizing and asd” section of the paper. This paper extends to our widespread liking of cartoons and robots as well. Ok so this is a whole thing I won’t get into here but this is a big reason why a lot of autistic people are agender leaning as well. Genders and queerness in general is a lot about social constructs, and being queer is being marginal to these, not fitting into boxes or challenging those social norms and conventions. Queerplatonic relationships are a great example of this, where the framework of the relationship is platonic but the intangible nature of what it is exactly is the point, not familial not anything but everything at once too, just adoration, I like to say having pets is a bit like it as well, bc obvi it’s not romantic and often not fully familial, very platonic but also sooo much cuddling and adoration and kissing and whatnot that you wouldn’t typically do with a friend or family member. I’ll talk about qpr and labels another day though.

I got carried away but queerness in Dunmeshi is something I 100% want to make a big post on one day. Experiencing the world with different guidelines and not registering things to have the same boxes, sigh. Personally I also relate to Laios on a gender level, “cis by default because I don’t care all that much but if I were to dig deeper I’m probably otherkin and I want to be socially associated with traits of monsters and animalistic rather than man/woman” sighh hard to be a cryptid in this day and age. I wish we had a term like furry but for monsters, I want to be in the fantasy or folk tale genre ty, like changelings. Goshh changelings... You know, the irl myth where people said their neurodivergent kids were fairies’ children instead of human. Diminished physical sense of self means I see myself as some unknowable black  void aesthetic wise, but like in a way that simultaneously makes me feel seen. Like becoming a monster, losing your sense of self but also somehow just being simplified and seen for what you are, it’s weird to try and explain. This post is more about relating to the nonhuman than about seeing yourself as such, but like connect the dots right, that IS an important point of Laios’ character. It’s because our brains literally work different than allistics which makes us feel as other, but also because of social ostracization and functioning in a different way than society at large, living in the margin of society, being weird and non-conforming.

Meanwhile, animals and social norms... Like ok, showing your neck and rolling on the ground to show that you’re friendly and harmless and play biting might not be proper. But have you considered that it’s also fun and feels very intuitive. Play with a dog in the dog’s way I promise it is so nice and freeing. Play tug of war and growl back when they growl. Hiss at your cat to tell them they do something wrong, engage with them on their level.

Autism made social life hard, but it made animals easy. Do you have anyyy idea how good it feels to mask all day every day and feel constantly misunderstood or like you’re doing a performance but then you can just, drop all of that in the company of animals and they understand you. They understand you. You form an understanding and rapport so easily.

And this whole thing with Laios is so explicit too, with the Winged Lion saying “You’re sick and tired of the human world”. Notice the choice of words. Sick and tired of the human world. Exhausted from the constraints, sick of the mind games. It really isn’t as much about loving monsters as it is about loving the nonhuman. Relating to them because you feel that you can actually understand how they work and think, and feeling like they could understand you back as well. Animals are safe.

Like I could go on about how Laios admiring even just demi-humans like orcs is because they’re socially seen as non-humans more than any true physical thing, that they’re not bound by human society and its rules and live with their own lifestyle. But it would deal myself 1000 points of psychic damage and I am not ready to cry today. It’s idealization 100%, and like, Laios DOES want to be treated as human, to be valued, but it feels like an unreachable thing meanwhile becoming a monster is instant gratification and freedom and a sense that now no one will be able to hurt you in a way that reaches you, never again shall you be defenseless, and then if people dehumanize you then that only strengthens your sense of identity as a monster and UGHH ugh ugh.

And like. This post is a mess at this point but if you want to kinda delve into the more “why” then I recommend this Patricia Taxxon video essay. It starts out on a very different topic, but it’s all about autism and finding comfort in the inhuman. Long story short is othering made us like this also animals are just simpler to intuitively get along with.

So when I post this

I mean it. I really mean it when I say he’s me. I have never felt so seen. So many conflicting emotions all wrapped so concisely yet so intangibly woven into the whole storyline so subtly. 

Not being depicted as a monster of an human being for feeling/having felt that way?? The manga understands you. The world can understand you. Other humans can understand you. You can bond with them. You can. And I think that’s a big part of Dungeon Meshi too- Laios opening up to others about how he really is and his interests, and all the bumps on the way but how it was the only way to truly get to know each other and bond. With the climax being Laios confronting head on his complex with monsters and humans, and his monster-loving side and animalistic side being exactly what saves the whole world, what saves humanity. Because Laios does value his friends, does think humanity has beautiful sides to it, he wants to help it thrive and eat and become more accepting, carving out a kingdom for misfits and demi-humans. At the end of it, transforming into a monster and being free is a daydream fantasy, and the reality of it is that Laios does belong in the world as he is, and does receive and give out love.

If you enjoyed this you’ll probably like some of my other Laios analysis!  Here’s an analysis of his succubus and what it says about his relationships with other humans. And here’s an analysis about his relationship with Shuro from his perspective.

#dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #laios touden #character analysis #i guess #dungeon meshi manga spoilers #spoilers #autistic laios touden #asd #autism representation #meta #draft so old it uses the old Tumblr post editor #it would be much better if i could put them side to side rip #i also wanna do an analysis trying to pin down his level of social awareness #i love that the monster story epic saga about misfits and your place in the world on an ecosystem level is just sooo autistic so perfect #this post has a weird structure but hopefully it can showcase some things and make ppl understand and others relate! I know we're out there #hiii therians how we feeling today. Brain chemistry is weird but ours is just wired different not broken #feeling self-conscious bc even with studies this is the equivalent of going 'trust me bro I get it' which usually doesn't go well with us #Humanity is beautiful <3333 Humans are social animals broski love yourself!!!

[insanitysilver]

I love you, messy WIPs. I love you, uncaught typos and missing punctuation. I love you, poorly drawn hands and illegible sketches where the artist got sleepy. I love you, raw unpolished edges of creation.

I love you, tender humanity in imperfection.

#something about the hypersaturation of art/stories picked clean of “flaws” to appeal to the masses and left tasteless because of it #something about the genuineness and realness of a typo #something about that moment of connection and reassurance: “we are all human we are imperfect and that's what makes our art interesting”

[chaosxcrushed]

There's a certain CCCC summary video that we really, really like. We think it is a great video for people if they want to grasp the story more clearly, if they're confused, or if they're listening to the album for the first time.

That video being Chonny Jash and the Weight of the Mind on Youtube by W3tBl@nk3t. We think they cover it really well.

However, I'm sharing this for a different reason; they say few certain things that really struck with us until now, that I'd like to share with the fandom. Sometimes, we see people really just.. Miss the point of CCCC entirely, and I'd like to shine a light on what was said here. If you'd like to hear this for yourself on video, the timestamp is 35:57-36:45.

“..I bet we all could relate to that, they are the prime example of the side of you that suffers and the side of you that hates yourself for suffering:

The side of you that just wants to slow down and feel everything even to the unhealthy extent of not being able to do anything else(1), but also the side of you that so desperately wants you to get over it(2).

Sure, laying in bed all day every day to rot isn't healthy, but neither is boiling things down and invalidating your own emotions. Both are paths to inevitable disaster, and that's what Chonny is doing here. Keep in mind that the idea behind this album is being whole, and that means neither of these sides are entirely in the right or the wrong; this album is about inner compromise and acceptance(3).”

1.) The side of you that suffers; Heart. He is representative of Whole's emotions, he holds them. Your emotions can go haywire, especially when one's mentally ill and has no way of their feelings being validated. An emotional person like Heart suffers under the weight of crushing, devastating feelings. He wants to feel things out, have time to just process everything, even if it takes them days or weeks to get over it. It's not healthy, but feeling is what he does, and he wants to help because he knows he has importance. Solely focusing on just your emotions isn't the best thing to do, however.

2.) The side of you that so desperately wants you to get over it; Mind. Many people have been there, have wanted themselves to stop wallowing in their own emotions and just do something else, even to the point where you think feeling things out is unnecessary. This is also unhealthy, but not intentionally. Like Heart, Mind just wants to help, everything he does is in best interest. This is what he thinks will get them to move on the quickest; to leave behind emotions and focus on anything BUT that. Also not the best thing to do.

3.) This album is about inner compromise and acceptance; About being whole. Neither of Heart and Mind are right nor wrong. They have their own ways of doing things, of what they think will help their whole self out the most, but both are unhealthy despite the good intentions. They fight over who's wrong or right, when they shouldn't even be doing so in the first place. It's your thoughts against your emotions, basically; your feelings contradict your thoughts, and it leads to an inner war of sorts. This won't make things better, which is why you can't have Mind over Heart or vice versa; you'll need both of them. In the album, they are only able to be whole when they get along. They harmonize, they 'combine', they see eye to eye with each other and work together instead of fighting over and over. Inner compromise is achieved with this, and acceptance can lead them away from any disaster that there's to come.

What we're trying to say is that mental health is a large thing tackled within CCCC, and yet we see a lot of people who overlook it; thus, end up missing the point of the whole album. We see a lot of people believe Mind's perspective a little too much and treat Heart quite harshly, or the other way where people demonize Mind and say that Heart is perfect, when it's not really that in the slightest.

This is not a hate post towards people's interpretations of CCCC or how they view characters, I'm just saying that people can tend to overlook what's in the very narrative, and we see a concerning amount of people do such.

Anyways. Stream CCCC and put your Hearts and Minds in the get along shirt. Have a nice day.

#chonny jash #chonnys charming chaos compendium #cccc #cccc heart #cj heart #cccc mind #cj mind #mind chonny jash #heart chonny jash #I did not mention Soul once in this post. I am so sorry to all of the Soul enjoyers #whole was technically mentioned but this is not about him. so sorry to the Whole enjoyers as well #we rreally really really like this CCCC video #a lot #it does a great job at explaining things and is fairly good for an unbiased telling of the story #to reiterate though this is not a hate post #it's just a bit frustrating to see how many people say that mind is right or heart is right #but no.. that is not the point of cccc #and it's even in tse as well. the line 'neither is right yet neither is wrong' #personally we are big fans of heart and will defend him since he gets so mischaracterized #but we know and acknowledge that he isn't 100% correct and can be wrong for what he wants to do and has done #we love Heart but he did not have to pull that gun. #also. more justice for characters who make mistakes but aren't automatically super evil because they're just human. #we've seen how people lack that understanding in the fandom </3 #hmsw are so incredibly flawed in a relatable way with such good writing #we feel like people overlook that so much #this post was scary to make but #we're doing it #here goes #CxC rambling and yapping #we haven't posted purely text posts in a while please don't come for our heads c4 fandom

[aimasup]

sure i COULD ramble about how ai is one of the multiple things that check all the marks of humanity's seven deadly sins but would that be extreme

^^^ possibly insufficiently educated

#the pride the hubris of believing you can do better than innovation and nature by playing god and not in the fun way #the lust it's being used for in so many awful cases #the sloth the way its encouraging everyone to check original sources less before believing anything. Also to not take time to develop skill #the greed its being used for profit without consideration for ethics or fair labour #gluttony. we always have to be faster. shinier. better. no matter if it ends up being less convenient or wonky #the wrath it sows in between people creating more differences to be frustrated over. more hatred #the envy how it takes and takes. always trying to be as clever as the best humans. as beautiful as a real forest or sunset. #do you think the ai wants itself #if this were a scifi movie would we be the bad guys #but this is not a movie and the ai cannot love us. so we cannot love it. and there's that #my post #personal stuff #thinking aloud just silly yapping n jazz 没啥事做就这样咯~ #(￣▽￣)~* #when i was in primary school our textbooks for chinese had short stories and articles to learn about #there was a fictional scifi oneshot about a family in the future going to the zoo #the scifi zoo trip was going great until the zoo's systems went offline for a moment #and it was revealed that all the animals roaming in their enclosures were holograms #the real ones went extinct ages ago #when the computers came back online the holograms returned and there they were #honestly at first I thought it was a bit exaggerating #but I still think about it once in a while

[lizkreates]

Watched Akira for the first time today, I somehow managed to avoid spoilers for my entire existence, and all I can think of how pivotal it was as an inspiration for Nightow creating Trigun.

There are so many parallels visually and thematically, but they both are unique stories.

It would seem obvious to say that the Akira manga by Katsuhiro Otomo was influenced by Blade Runner (an adaptation of Philip K. Dick’s Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?) given the timeline, but that's not the case since the Blade Runner movie only came out 6 months before the manga, and if you know anything about publishing and planning a story, the manga was probably in the works long before then.

Turns out, both Blade Runner and Otomo were influenced by a French comic called "The Long Tomorrow" written by Dan O'Bannon, and illustrated by Moebius.

Art inspires art and am just!!! I love seeing it.

#trigun #akira #ART #one day I'd love to make it to the Angoulême International Comics Festival the French know how to comic #I'm sure you can trace influences back even further I love how we're all connected by our stories and art #it's so intrinsic to us as humanity #lizblabs

[cosmiclion]

Based on this self indulgent post I wrote the other day, about a Kuro AU feauturing 5 years old Ciel and a new demon dad who's doing his best. Suddenly this little scene popped into my mind, then I remembered my talented fren @grelleswife's Dadbastian fanfic The Wolf (link here!) so I guess that, even though it's not exactly the same setting, I must have gotten subconsciously inspired by it 😅

During his days in the cult all little Ciel could do was try to survive the best way his young mind could think about, and when he had just been rescued by the demon he was weak and sickly, barely alive even, and then pretty much catatonic. Once the dust has settled, however, the realization that his family won't come back dawns on him, and he starts having nightmares about monsters with deformed faces that laugh while hurting him. Moreover, even though he's supposed to be back at his house the place doesn't feel too familiar. The first night the demon hears the child screaming and crying, they try to comfort him as best as they can with the scanty knowledge they have about comforting children. After a while they have an idea, based on the partially burned portrait they found from which they could make out the shape of the family pet.

(You ain't foolin' anyone trash demon, you're starting to care about the smol).

When Ciel wakes up the next morning, he's still surrounded by the borzoi's slender but fluffly body. He yawns and rubs his eyes, and then sits up and just stares at the creature that looks so much like his late pet. "Good morning, child." the voice coming from the dog says, without really expecting an answer, "Did you sleep well?" After a pause, the child that up until this point hadn't spoken at all utters a single word, albeit almost in a whisper. "Hm? I am afraid I could not hear that. Come again?" Ciel lifts a little hand, points a finger at the animal and raises his voice a bit. "Sebastian." "Ah. Well, yes, I guess you can call me that from now on, if you so wish." the demon answers with a small nod, and Ciel could swear he sees his snout twist into a faint smile. Sebastian then sleeps on Ciel's bed, in the form of the soft borzoi, every night until the child is a little older and can be alone at night.

#eli's art #eli rambles #eli's writing #(I guess this counts as a very short story lol) #artists on tumblr #art #digital art #drawing #illustration #kuroshitsuji #kuroshitsuji au #kuro familiar au #black butler #black butler au #sebastian michaelis #ciel phantomhive #our ciel #ociel #borzoi #dadbastian #mombastian #hurt/comfort #procreate app #i am going to create an au that is so self indulgent #btw i headcanon that demons have no concept of gender and presentation the way humans do so any set of pronouns suit sebastian #not yoi

[fictionadventurer]

The worst part about reading in a genre where you have low expectations (in this case, Christian historical fiction) is that when a book impresses you, you have no idea if it's actually good or if you're just overly impressed because it was a fraction of a degree better than the usual garbage.

#basically lately anytime i read a christian fiction book that isn't romance-based i find myself surprised by the quality #i do think that some christian publishers are getting better #and trying to tell stories that dig deeper into real faith and messy issues #instead of making only vapid squeaky clean prayer-filled tropefests #but i'm not sure *how much* better #because anything above the low bar feels like great literature #the most recent is 'in a far-off land' by stephanie landsem #and let me tell you setting the prodigal son in 1930s hollywood is a genius concept #i have some issues with the history and the mystery #but the characters! #it has been a long time since i cried this hard over a book #several chapters of solid waterworks #(and i also have the issue of figuring out if it's actually that moving or if i'm just hormonal/sleep-deprived) #i keep thinking about this book but also i worry about recommending because what if it's actually terrible by normal book standards? #(also the author DOES NOT understand the seal of confession and i was SHOCKED to find that she's actually catholic) #but also looking at the reviews makes it clear that if most of christian fiction is vapid garbage it's these reviewers' fault #here you have something that's digging into sin and darkness and justice and mercy and these people are just #'how can it call itself christian fiction if it only mentions god at the end?' #are we reading the same book this WHOLE THING is about god! and humanity and our fallen nature and how this breaks relationships! #your pearl-clutching anytime someone tries to get even a tiny bit realistic is destroying this genre #i'm gonna run out of tags so i'll stop now

[justawanderingfan]

Game of the year music made me feel things

#i love u stories that may be bleak but have hope still #listen the music from stray made me FEEL #even when humans are gone our passions are still left behind and i love it #splatoon #splatoon 2 #splatoon 3 #stray

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Bestie Deficiency

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#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #a-qing #xue yang #xiao xingchen #Xue yang is cold because cold blooded creatures can't generate their own body heat #I am skipping over drawing the stories they tell due to the fact this arc is already really dragging #but I think they are very key in understanding the yi-city characters #Even if they are stories that really bring down the slumber party vibes A-Qing was hoping for. #I mentioned some of my thoughts in the tags of no. 76 but to continue on a bit more #I think xxc and xue yangs stories inversely mirror each other on the meaning of sacrifice and what it means to 'deserve' something #to xue yang he has only ever sacrificed - therefore he is in his right to 'deserve' what he wants. And he wants everything. #xxc leaves song lan thinking its the best course of action to atone but my god. No it wasn't. Poor communication crown actually goes to xxc #but it's what xxc he feels he deserves - continued sacrifice to atone. He wants to want nothing. #both are very stuck in the past in ways that are not actually accounting for their actions #It's easy to look at xue yang and go 'dang you need to get over your childhood trauma' #but that very much ignores that fact that we - real human beings - define so much by our childhood pains. #Growth is having to come to terms with it and trying to move past it...and not everyone is ready for that. #I have a lot of thoughts on that matter but I'll let it be for now. #Anyways. Amiguito appears to be one of those words whos meaning change depending on speaker and contextual factors #So as far as I can tell it slides around on the scale on romantic and platonic. Which works for this dynamic. I think. #Native Spanish speakers I am so sorry.

[ohsalome]

(story taken and machine-translated from the official twitter account of the Mission of the President of Ukraine in the Autonomous Republic of Crimea)

Today's story is about a woman who was detained by the occupiers in the spring of 2022 and illegally sentenced to almost 7 years in prison. Iryna Danylovych is a nurse and citizen journalist.

She was threatened, blackmailed and forced to confess to things she did not do. Now Irina is in a Russian colony, her health is deteriorating due to the lack of quality and timely medical care.

Iryna Danylovych worked as a nurse at the Malachite rehabilitation center in Koktebel, maintained a social media page and several blog columns on the rights of healthcare workers and healthcare issues in the occupied Crimea.

The occupation forces abducted Iryna Danylovych in April 2022. She was returning from a night shift at the hospital when the occupiers searched her house and seized all her appliances, several books and documents.

There was no contact with Irina for more than a week. She was illegally detained by the FSB: she was subjected to psychological pressure, beaten, threatened with death, interrogated on a polygraph, threatened to be "taken to the forest" (ed. - meaning killed and buried in the forest) or "to Mariupol" (once again, killed), fed once a day, and not allowed to go to the restroom.

Eventually, the occupiers informed her relatives that a decision had been made to place her under "administrative arrest", allegedly because "she had transferred unclassified materials to another country". Later, they fabricated a "case" against Irina accusing her of "illegal actions with explosives."

The "proof" was the "discovery" of 200 grams of explosives in Irina's bag. And only on May 11, the lawyer managed to establish that she was in the occupation pre-trial detention center in Simferopol.

The "arrest warrant" was issued by the occupation "court" during a closed court session - without the participation of listeners, journalists, or Irina's relatives.

But the real reason for the detention is different. For covering the problems of the healthcare system, the crimes of the occupiers, as well as for protecting and promoting the rights of healthcare workers in the occupied Crimea.

Iryna was one of the first correspondents of the Crimean Process; she supported Crimean Tatar activists in the "courts"; prepared materials for the editorial office of Inzhyr Media; supported medical activists, recorded violations of rights under occupation.

According to Irina, she was kidnapped, taken to Simferopol and illegally detained in a basement, tortured and starved, and forced to sign a confession under threat of death, having been viciously planted with explosives after the "confession" had been forcibly extracted.

Complete hearing loss in the left ear, deprivation of necessary medications, suffering from headaches and earaches. This is what Iryna is going through now.

Irina was transferred to the Krasnodar Women's Correctional Colony No. 7 in Zelenokumsk. Every day, Irina's health condition deteriorated: in the occupation prisons, she gradually lost hearing in her left ear, developed otitis media, constant headaches and dizziness.

Back in July 2022, the political prisoner reported being beaten by an FSB convoy and psychological pressure exerted on her by Russian security forces. The occupiers also took away the opportunity to read, not returning the collection of poems.

To get medical help, she went on a hunger strike, but stopped it after 10 days, believing the promises of the SIZO administration, but no one has treated her and is not going to, watching the prisoner's health deteriorate.

According to her father, the colony allocates 90 minutes for the distribution of medicines twice a week: on Tuesday and Thursday. During this time, only 20-30 people out of a queue of several hundred prisoners manage to receive them.

"There are periodic fights among the patients for the opportunity to be in the front of the line and receive medicines. Iryna does not participate in this and has been deprived of access to the medicines prescribed by doctors, which we regularly send in parcels, for several months now," her father said.

Despite the illegal actions, torture and pressure, the occupiers failed to break the Ukrainian journalist, she continues to support Ukraine and believe that she will soon return home. "Only in such a strong Ukraine could such a strong you be born," said Iryna's father Bronislav.

Even behind bars, Iryna Danylovych continues to resist the occupiers and support Ukraine. The song "I am free!" performed by her is a symbol of disobedience and struggle, which the occupiers do not like, and the tattoo on her body that reads "Freedom is our religion" is her life's credo.

#human rights #ukraine #russia #journalist #crimea #war in ukraine #you know a woman being kidnapped and tortured as a punishment for speaking up about issues in the healthcare system #sounds like exactly something western leftists would be supporsed to care about #but alas our agressor is russia and they are allowed to do that because dostaevsky and chaikovsky #and one can't twist this story to somehow make it about usa #very sad

[tangledinink]

Chapter Eighteen of I'm Sorry, Teenage Mutant What Now? is now up! The Hamato Family finally goes back home. And now everything is okay and back to normal... right? Read it on ao3 or below the cut.

[ prev ]

The world wasn’t spinning anymore.

Damn, did that mean he was dead? Cowabummer.

As he looked around, however, Leo slowly realized (for the second time over a very short period) that, no, he was not dead. Or, at least, he didn’t think he was dead-- despite the fact that he was absolutely surrounded by a warm, comforting light, enveloping him and holding him close. 

He could hear the roars of the crowd in the distance. And though he was no longer flailing through the air, his head was still reeling, having not quite realized that they weren’t falling anymore. And as he slowly gathered his bearings, he realized he could see his siblings, all gathered together close; held behind the protective fold of a bright red light, shielded from the debris and dust that had been sent flying through the ring.

Vaguely, he came to the conclusion that the Ikuchi had fallen.

And he hadn’t.

It wasn’t until the red light faded and was replaced by his eldest brother’s tight embrace that he came back to reality properly, stumbling a bit, his eyes wide and his brain still buzzing a little; held up only by his brother’s grip rather than his own strength.

“... Did you catch me?” He finally managed to get his tongue to move.

“Never do that again,” Raph hissed in reply, and about half a second later, Mikey, April, and even Donnie had joined them, all stumbling into him and clinging to him all at once.

“What is wrong with you!? You idiot!” April cried, burying her face into his shoulder.

“Why did you do that?!” Mikey wailed through sobs. “I told you guys! I told you not to protect me! Why would you do that!? D-don’t-- don’t do that! Don’t e-ever do that again! Why don’t any of you-- e-ever listen to me? I would have-- I--! Leo!”

“Sorry!” Leo found it in himself to laugh, though even he could admit that he sounded just a little bit deranged. Eugh boy, were things still spinning? “It’s fine!... I knew Raph would save me.” 

“No you didn’t!” Raph snapped. “Raph didn’t even know Raph was gonna save ya!”

“How did you do that?” April gaped.

“I don’t know!” Raph laughed, his voice stumbling slightly with the threat of oncoming tears. “I just knew that if I didn’t save him, I’d never hear the end of it…!”

“I told you all not to,” Mikey wept, clinging to him. “I told you…”

“Aw, I knew you had magic powers,” Leo slurred. Okay, maybe he was still a little out of it. “You just needed… the right motivation…! All part of the plan…”

“Liar,” Raph hissed, tightening his hold on him, bundling his brother up close to his chest and burying his face against his shoulder. “If you ever pull some bullshit like that ever again, I swear to god, I’m gonna murder you--”

His next words were cut off by yet another shuddering crash of impact, nearly tossing the gang from their feet. And Leo was still not exactly feeling steady, per se, but turning to face the glowering form of an angry spider did wonders for sobering a person up.

“Well then,” Big Mama hissed, her eyes narrowed into slits as she glared down at them. “Wasn’t that an impressive performance.”

“I told you we’d give you a big hurrah. Was that cool or what?” Leo laughed, pulling away from Raph so that he could stand on his own-- stumbling a bit, but then finding his balance again, summoning up whatever he had left in his body to face her alongside his siblings. He could practically see Big Mama grit her jaw.

“Isn’t that just… splendifirous,” she hissed. “Well! Big Mama never breaks a deal! She does, however, alt--”

“Okay, hang on. Hold that thought. Sorry. Just. One second,” Leo said quickly, moving to shove his hand into his jean pockets, digging around for a moment as he approached the other.

“Oh! Okay. Here. Here you go,” he hummed, pulling a tiny black coin, etched with sigils that he couldn’t even begin to comprehend, from his pocket, where it had lived ever since it was retrieved from Big Mama’s own vault by Mayhem. He pressed it firmly into her insectile palm. “This is for you.”

Big Mama paused.

She stared.

She bristled.

Every hair on her body stood on end as she snarled, puffing up twice the size that she had been a second ago. She bared her fangs, digging her claws into the ground as she loomed over the group, a furious hiss escaping her as she leaned in close to Leo. Beyond a slightly dizzy rock on one foot, he stood his ground, keeping his gaze even and trained on her.

“Go collect your father and get out of my Nexus,” she spat, turning sharply away. 

Inwardly, Leo let out a massive breath of relief, his entire body sagging ever-so-slightly. He nearly fell over as he turned on his heel to try to re-join his slack-jawed siblings. 

“You heard the spider lady--” he said, wobbling dangerously. Luckily, Raph and Donnie were quick to react, each grabbing an arm on either side to keep him upright. Oh thank god. He was still thinking he might just throw up. Or pass out. Maybe both.

“What the hell was that!?” Raph hissed, his eyes wide and his voice hushed. “Leo! What did you give her!?”

“Honestly,” Leo said, chuckling the tiniest bit beneath his breath. “I have no fucking clue.”

---

The rest of the day was a blur. 

Mikey had never seen their father cry so much, nor heard him scream so loud, informing Leo at least eleven times that he was grounded for the rest of his life for scaring his family like that. And though he didn’t necessarily disagree, Mikey felt guilty the entire time. He kept wondering if anyone was going to yell at him for needing to be saved in the first place, but no one did.

They collected their dad. They collected Mayhem. They collected all their things.

They walked out of the Battle Nexus, back out the same way they had entered four days earlier. Mikey dimly noted the alleyway where they had huddled together and plotted just days ago. People repeatedly stopped and begged for their father’s autograph, seeming unsurprised to see him out and about, and he politely declined each and every request.

Their father clearly knew his way around the Hidden City. He knew the way home, too, and soon, they were back up on the surface-- in New York City.

They were in New York City again. And it looked the same. 

From there, they called 911.

Mikey barely remembered the ambulance ride, though he remembered thinking, wow, I’ve never been in an ambulance before. He wanted to tell someone that he was okay, he wasn’t hurt, that it was their dad and Leo that they had to worry about, but he couldn’t quite get his tongue to work. Every time he tried to open his mouth to talk, he’d just start crying again. Every time someone asked him a question, tried to ask what happened, if he was okay, where it hurt, he’d try to reply and instead tears would just bubble up again and spill over, painting streaks down his face over and over again until his head hurt.

Maybe that was a blessing, because he had no idea what he would have said. Their dad, however, did. Mikey was silently shocked by how easily he lied. By how effortlessly he weaved together a tapestry of tales to explain their absence-- wearily and emotionally describing the crazed fan who had kidnapped him and held him hostage in their apartment. He tearfully explained how his children had been contacted by the culprit and foolishly attempted to take matters into their own hands after being warned not to contact the police, only to be captured themselves until they were able to make their escape. 

It sounded dramatic. It sounded implausible, if Mikey was being honest, like the plot of a soap opera. But the way his Dad said it, it sounded… so believable. 

And everyone seemed to eat it up without question in a way that made Mikey squint, but in a way that he didn’t question, either.

They got to the hospital. They patched up all of Dad’s injuries-- the cracked ribs, the bruises, the cuts and scrapes, the bloody knuckles and torn muscles and swollen joints. Mikey could tell he was anxious, but he somehow didn’t panic even half as much as he did going in for a physical. He kept a brave face throughout, recounting the story as many times as he needed to, firmly declining any opioids, and keeping his focus squarely on Mikey and his siblings the entire time, even as doctors actively treated his wounds.

After some fluids and a long nap, Leo bounced right back, seemingly no worse for the wear. They wrapped Raph’s hands. Treated Donnie’s concussion and his back. Even April had managed to sprain her wrist in the fight, a mild and easily treatable injury, but an injury nonetheless.

But he was fine. Even after tripping and falling in the Nexus; he wasn’t hurt at all.

He felt fine. 

They gave him fluids, anyway, for how much he had bailed out in quiet sobs and sniffles. 

April’s mom and dad met them at the hospital, getting there almost as soon as they did, and were in absolute pieces. Mikey had never seen April’s dad cry before, but he had been experiencing a lot of firsts of that ilk recently, so he supposed he wasn’t that surprised. They hugged April and didn’t let her go until she insisted that they were crushing her and she couldn’t breathe. She, much like Leo, was informed that she was grounded for the rest of her life for doing something so reckless and stupid. Their dad apologized at least eighty times for putting her in harm’s way, for getting her involved in such danger, but April’s parents insisted that they were just relieved that everyone was okay, and Mikey could tell that they really meant it.

Their dad and April’s parents were really good friends, actually. He had almost boundless memories of the three of them hanging out and chatting while he and his siblings played. They’d often sit out on the front stoop together when it was nice outside. April’s mom came over regularly for tea. Her dad and his dad played baseball together, even, on the weekends sometimes.

He supposed they had probably been scared for him, too.

And then eventually, they were just…

Home.

Before Mikey knew it, he was back in his own room, staring at the wall and wondering how the hell he got here.

Was this real? He kept waiting to wake up, and it didn’t happen. Did all that actually happen? When he reached back through his memories and touched them, they wiggled like Jell-O, and he wasn’t quite sure if he could trust them or not.

He shifted in place, hearing the springs of the mattress creak beneath him. He smoothed his hands over the cotton of his bedspread, feeling the soft, knitted texture beneath the pads of his fingers. 

He stared up at the glow-in-the-dark stars that his dad had put there for him when he was four.

He was certain he was here now. They had… made it back home. His brothers were home, too. They had all retreated back to their own rooms for the night when they all finally got home, at nearly four in the morning, all exhausted from the experience. Even their dad was home. He knew he was. He watched him get here with them.

Very slowly, Mikey sank down in bed, laying flat on his back.

And even though he had been crying all day, it felt like he was finally letting the dam burst when he reached deep down into his chest and pulled out an aching, shuddering, genuine sob.

---

Raph didn’t think he could ever miss his own bed so much. He spread himself out, splaying out his limbs like a starfish, before eventually rolling over onto his side, curling up and finding the closest stuffed animal to grab and hang onto.

He didn’t want to admit it, but he had been starting to wonder if they would ever see their home again.

But now they were here. All of them, safe and sound. Their dad included. Their dad was home.

They got their dad home.

He got everyone back home.

But somehow, he didn’t feel better yet.

That wasn’t really true. He did! Mostly. He kind of felt better. He-- he was relieved, certainly. He was so grateful that everyone was home, safe and sound-- that everyone was safe, that Dad was okay, that Leo was okay, he just…

He hadn’t expected to feel so…

Angry. 

But now, laying here in his bed, staring off at the wall and listening to their quiet house, all filled up to the brim with his family, that was all he could feel. It felt sour in his stomach, poking and prodding at the edges of his muscles and ribs like a horned creature, snorting hot and pawing at his gut and stamping its hooves, jabbing at him over and over until his face felt ugly and awful and warm.

He was angry that they were lied to. That they were tricked. That their lives weren’t what they thought they were all this time.

He was angry at the pain that had been inflicted on their family. For all the tears that his siblings had cried over the past two-and-a-half weeks. He was angry at the suffering that their father had endured for the entertainment of others in a glorified fight pit. He was angry that there were people who would do that to them-- who thought that that was okay. He was angry for every drop of blood that he had lost.

He was angry at himself for believing something untrue; for how naive and silly it made him feel, even if he recognized that the circumstances were complicated to say the least. He was angry for how close he had come to letting his family slip through his fingers.

But mostly, he was angry that their father had ever agreed to go away from them.

He and his siblings had been prepared to go to the ends of the earth to find him and bring him home and reunite their family. Raph would have done anything to get him back. They all would have. They were ready to give up everything if they had to.

And he had agreed to stay away?

He had agreed to leave them behind?

He was shocked by how meaningless he could suddenly feel in the face of his own father, who had never before made him feel anything but loved.

His anger smoldered inside of him like a stubborn campfire, unwilling to be put out, even as hot tears of frustration singed their way down his face.

---

He couldn’t sleep.

Wow, what a surprise.

If he was being honest with himself, he hadn’t even tried, but he had very little interest in engaging with the process right now. Besides that, he wasn’t even that interested in the prospect of sleeping at all. Just the idea of trying to sleep right now was exhausting and wholly unappealing. He was too tired to try to fall asleep. He just wanted…

Well, he didn’t actually know what he wanted.

He supposed that’s how he had ended up here.

Leo had been curled up in the same place on the floor for hours now, his knees drawn up to his chest and his head resting on his knees as he just… stared at himself in the mirror. Examined his body, a tiny frown on his face.

It looked the same. Just the same as he always had. The same stripey face and spotted belly. The same curly blonde hair with dark roots poking through. His chin curved the same way it always did, his waist still pinched the same way, his shoulders sloped just the same as they always had. 

He had never loved his body. He knew he acted all confident and cocky, and that wasn’t all for show-- there were times when he really did feel confident. Lots of times, actually. He was perfectly capable of being confident and capable and fucking bright as a person, and not as a body, and no, he wasn’t afraid to declare to anyone who wanted to listen that he was very cute, thank you very much, and yes, he did have great taste in clothes, and yes, his hair was amazing, wasn’t it? I’ll tell you what conditioner I use--

But truthfully, he didn’t love his body. He didn’t hate it, either-- it had just existed up until now. It had just been, and he had dealt with it, liked the parts that he liked and tolerated the parts he didn’t, making plans to customize in the future, and it was… okay. 

But he had never despised his own skin so deeply as he did in this moment.

Looking at himself now, he couldn’t find a single thing to enjoy. He looked at himself in the mirror and he glowered, curling his lips in disgust, even though he was unable to look away. 

It was the same as it was before. Nothing had changed. But somehow, he hated it now. 

---

Donnie had always preferred to base his world on facts and logic over emotions. He had always found that this was what worked best for him. If he collected data, examined it, and allowed these values to influence his decisions, everything tended to work out better. No, admittedly, this did not, by any means, guarantee success, much to his annoyance, but he had run the statistics, and facts worked. They were reliable. He could lean on them and count that they would hold him up. He could place his trust there.

For example--

Fact: Hamato Donatello is adept in the care of tropical plants. This was supported by a vast array of data. He had no less than two dozen different varieties of houseplants flourishing in the living room alone that he could point to support this claim, thank you very much, and they were all thriving under his expert care. This was a fact. This was something that he knew to be true. He could rely on this. He could lean on this. It would not change.

Even those that he, at times, found painful, he could still count on.

For example--

Fact: Hamato Donatello is bad at talking to new people. He didn’t like it, but it was a fact. Never in his life had he met someone and been able to strike up a conversation without, at some point, putting his foot in his mouth and fucking it up or floundering. He always seemed to find a way to mess it up, even if he didn’t realize it until later on. Even if he, in the moment, thought that things were going great! He was… better than he had been. He had learned, over time, and gotten the hang of the art of conversation, at least to a degree. People he knew, he could handle, no problem but someone new? It was just… 

It was just a bullet point in the long list of micro-facts that had always supported the claim of, “Hamato Donatello is different from other people. He doesn’t fit in, and there’s something that separates him from his peers.”

And he had always known this. He was diagnosed with autism when he was five. He had always known that he was different, that he didn’t quite match with everyone else. It had always felt like he was missing something; like handbooks or a set of rules had been passed out at some point, and he never got his copy. There were times when it had bothered him, sure, but he had long since come to terms with it. He had found people and places where he could fit, where ‘matching’ mattered a lot less, where the mold that he was expected to adhere to had far more give to it. He had spent years in therapy discussing this gap; years trying to learn the content of the missing ruleset through secondhand explanations. And even if it wasn’t always his favorite fact, it was still a fact. It was something that he knew to be true. He could rely on this. He could lean on this. It would not change.

Or, well. He had thought so.

He had set up a new spreadsheet so he could run through all the data-- so he could review what he thought he had known, and that which he could no longer rely on. He got to work measuring just how patchworked his universe had suddenly become. Began evaluating just how much of the floor was actively falling out from beneath him, and put it all into neat, numbered rows and columns. 

Fact: Hamato Donatello is an awarded athlete.

(Inconclusive. If he was only a talented swimmer because he was a mutant, could any of these accomplishments really be attributed to him, in all fairness? Further research needed.)

Fact: Hamato Donatello is autistic.

(Inconclusive. Can this diagnosis be considered valid if he was not human? There was no diagnosis criteria for turtles. Perhaps he was just odd and different and didn’t fit because he was a mutant. Or because he was a failed experiment. Further research needed.)

Fact: Hamato Donatello is a member of the Hamato family.

(Inconclusive. If he was a mutant rather than simply his father’s child, did he really belong on the family tree? Could he actually be considered a Hamato descendent? Was their father truly their father to begin with? Further research needed.)

Fact: Donatello is a human being. 

(Inconclusive. Though he was still not sure what his exact standing was, or how he could be categorized now, it was very clear that he was not simply a human as previously believed. Further research needed.)

Fact: Donatello is a member of society, just like everyone else, and deserves to be treated with kindness and respect by others.

(Inconclusive. He was not a human, and therefore, it could not be said that he was a ‘member of society,’ nor that he inherently deserved anything based on this status, despite what his therapist Mossy had previously taught him. This statement was based on outdated information, and could no longer be taken at face value. Further research needed.)

Fact: Donatello belongs in human society.

(Inconclusive. Further research needed.)

---

April was kind of starting to think that maybe her parents might mean it when they said she was grounded for the rest of her life. And, to be fair, she knew that she had scared them.

A lot.

She had scared herself, too. If she was being honest, she was still scared. 

It had been weeks since she had last been here, standing in her own bathroom, looking at herself in her own mirror as she brushed her teeth and got ready for bed. And it was all normal, all the same as it ever was, but--

Everything that had been keeping her upright the past three weeks, the adrenaline, the survival instincts, the desire to support her brothers and stay steady and hold them up while things fell apart, the desire to protect them, to figure things out, to investigate, to fix things, it was all…

It was all gone.

Everything that had been propping her up had suddenly given way, and she had just been carried up the stairs into the apartment by her dad, her arms wrapped around his neck like she was six again, getting home from a family outing that had gone late. And now she was sitting here in her bathroom and looking at her own face in the mirror and it was her face, and not anything spooky or mutated or unfamiliar, and that felt so unfair, somehow? And--

She hiccuped softly. And then she sobbed, until she eventually sank down onto the floor, curled up in a little heap and weeping softly. 

Oh my god, what had just happened?

She could have died.

They all could have died.

Her brothers could have died. Leo could have died. She thought Leo was going to die. 

She could have died.

She still had toothpaste in her mouth, and it was getting all down her chin and the front of her shirt, and it was fucking gross but she couldn’t really get herself to care. She just sat there and she cried until her mom knocked on the door, just barely cracking it open and joining her on the cold tile floor. And then, eventually, her dad had joined her, too, and she had wrapped herself up in their arms and practically climbed into his lap and just clung to them. She really didn’t know what else to do.

Something horrible almost happened. But it hadn’t. They were all okay. They were all home, but…

God, why did she feel like her little brother was still falling?

---

The whole way home, Yoshi was terrified that one of his children would begin talking to him. Terrified that one of them would ask some question that he wouldn’t be able to answer. But the journey back to their apartment was near silent. Somehow, that was almost worse.

He thought to himself, god, why is this your main concern right now? Why are you worrying about that, of all things? What is wrong with you?

He got everyone back home. He made sure each of his children ended up safely in their own beds. And, finally, he retreated back to his own.

He’d like to say that his room was just as he had left it, but that was untrue. It had clearly been ransacked multiple times, and he groaned softly, scrubbing at his face with his hands, wondering who all had been in here and what they had uncovered. He supposed there was nothing he could do about it right now. 

He didn’t do much besides clear off his bed. One at a time, he removed the items stacked on top of it. The piles of old paperwork. The DVD cases. The dirty laundry. He didn’t have the energy to sort through any of it properly or put it away right now, so he simply placed it all to the side, stacking things on his dresser or tossing them across the room instead, promising himself that he would get to it in the morning and dreading the thought of it. 

He would have a lot of things to do in the morning.

Internally, he scolded himself. Shouldn’t he be happy? Or at least relieved? This was the best case scenario. All of his children were home, safe and sound. He was home-- he would never have to set foot in the Battle Nexus again. He was free to live his life and raise his children, wasn’t he?

But the only thing he could find in his chest was dread, no matter how deep he dug. Very gingerly, he eased himself down onto his bed, laying out flat on his back and staring up at the ceiling. There were no answers up there. He had looked many, many times before, and he already knew. At the very least, it felt good to lie down. To finally lay down properly in a bed and allow his body a proper break. 

Ah, if only he could allow his mind to do the same…

What the fuck was he going to say to them? What… could he say? How was he supposed to explain all the choices and mistakes he made-- to explain the things he had done and what he was, and then still look them in the eyes? Even worse-- would they still want to? Would they be able to look at him?

God. How could he have let this happen to them?

His eyes wandered aimlessly around his room, a very soft sigh working its way up his chest. He felt like he had come back from the dead. He felt like a ghost. A part of him had already accepted that he would never be back here. Had accepted that he would never see his children ever again. And now here they all were, right here in the same house as him. Only a few floors away.

It didn’t quite feel real yet.

He wanted, more than anything, to get up and go get them this very second. He wanted to gather them all up in his arms like he did when they were babies and pile them up in his bed with him. He wanted to hold them all and fall asleep that way, knowing that they were there and that they were close and that they were okay. He didn’t think he possibly could sleep otherwise.

But he didn’t do that.

He was afraid that if he tried, they wouldn’t want to come with him. And that fear was enough to keep him pinned in place, cold and still, staring blankly up at the ceiling.

He knew they were upset. He could feel that they were upset, and how could he blame them? They were justified. They had every right to be upset, to be angry with him, to hate him, after all he had kept from them! After all the ways he had failed them. He just…

He hadn’t known what else to do.

He still didn’t know what else to do.

This had never been his intention.

---

“Dad--”

“Don’t run in the house,” he replied, not even looking down at his son as he dashed into the kitchen, quite nearly crashing into his leg.

“I wasn’t!” Leo protested, even though he most certainly was, rolling his eyes with a huff. “Dad, I’m gonna be late! Hurry up! Justin and Ben are already waiting for me!”

“Oh, well, if I am going too slowly, I suppose that you can pack your own snacks for camp from now on--”

“Dad!”

“So ungrateful,” he tsked, scooping the last of the vegetables he was slicing up into his son’s bento box, handing it over to the impatient eight-year-old. “There. All the carrot sticks and sugar snap peas that a little turtle could ever ask for,” he teased. A rarely used nickname, but one that sugar peas always made him think of, given how excitedly they would be devoured on the rare occasion he was able to offer some when they were small.

Leo scoffed as he accepted the offering, shoving it into his backpack. “Dad, we’re too old for that game. We don’t play turtles anymore,” he huffed.

Yoshi froze.

“What?”

“We’re not little kids, Dad! We don’t play make-believe anymore!” Leo said matter-of-factly, shooting his dad an absolute withering look. Yoshi floundered for a moment, struggling to find his tongue, which suddenly felt heavy in his mouth, before he finally nodded. 

“Yes… of course.”

“I’ll be home later! Tell Donnie not to go in my room or else I’ll know!” Leo yelled over his shoulder as he ran out the door, hopping down the steps to meet his two classmates who were attending the same summer camp, and Justin’s mother, who had kindly offered to walk them to the bus stop each morning. Yoshi watched him go, and he waved, but things felt… far off. 

He sat down on the kitchen chair once Leo was gone, and thought about the conversation for quite some time, wondering if he had understood correctly. 

After sitting there for about twenty minutes, he eventually got to his feet, shuffling up the stairs to Mikey’s room and knocking gently on the door.

“Yeahhhhhh?”

Yoshi peeked his head in, unsurprised to find his youngest bent over some elaborate arts and crafts project, currently busying himself in taping a pack of construction paper together to create a massive canvas, no doubt for his latest masterpiece. Yoshi sighed very softly through his nose, smiling for just a second as he shuffled his way in.

“What are you working on, my son?”

“‘S gonna be a painting. But I want it to be big!” He explained, throwing his hands out to illustrate. “So I’m making a super big paper to paint on first.”

“Ah, I see. You will have to show me when you are done. I’m sure it’ll be very impressive.”

“Mmm-hmmmm,” Mikey confirmed, quickly returning his attention back to his project, his tongue sticking out from between his lips with his intense focus. Yoshi hesitated for a moment before he spoke again.

“Orange, do you remember… playing turtles?”

“Yeah,” Mikey replied easily. “Why?”

“Well,” he wobbled for a second, choosing his words carefully. “What do you remember?”

“Uhhh,” Mikey tilted his head to the side for a second before he shrugged. “I dunno. It was just a game we used to play. We used to pretend to be turtles and stuff when we were little. We used to play it all the time!” He chirped. “Buuuuut we don’t really play it much anymore. Leo says we’re ‘too old’ for make-believe,” he sighed. “But he still plays Jupiter Jim. He says that’s ‘acting’ and it’s different, but it’s not,” he informed their father, giving him an exasperated look, as if to say, ‘can you believe he would say something like that?’

“... Ah. I see. Thank you, Mikey.”

“Why?” Mikey asked again, and Yoshi swallowed.

“Nothing, no reason! I was just thinking of something else… Also, ah, I wanted to ask you, what do you think about pizza for dinner tonight, my son?” 

“YEAH! PIZZA!” Mikey immediately cheered, his face lighting up, and Yoshi inwardly sighed in relief. Pizza for dinner was a small price to pay to put an end to this conversation. After taking a few requests (demands) regarding toppings and which place they should order from, Yoshi was eventually able to escape from his child’s room, closing the door behind him as he made his way back out into the hall.

He slumped against the wall, staring up at the ceiling.

They… 

Forgot. He hadn’t ever imagined that they would forget.

[ next ]

#sorrywhatnowau #sorrywhatnowau fanfic #fanfic #writing #rottmnt fanfic #rottmnt fanfiction #rottmnt human au #rottmnt au #rottmnt leo #rise leo #rise of the tmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt #we're in the 'feeling our feelings and processing trauma' chapter of the story

[meteorstricken]

A Casual Indictment of Clive Rosfield

Thinking about how Clive swore to kill the one who killed his brother.

Thinking about how he told Cid that once he'd done so, "whatever happens, happens", and how Cid then chided him for being a slave to fate.

Thinking about how, according to the Ultimania, Clive made Joshua the core of his spiritual identity...and how he began training to be his Shield since the tender age of 6.

Thinking about how, when fighting Ultima in the end, he did so as Joshua's Shield, and nearly every exchange he had with Ultima was drawn from Joshua's last words. But when the fight was done...his high idealism of humanity seemed to fade. Because it wasn't his own. It was Joshua's.

...Thinking that the "Logos" presence that Ultima picked up on in the Interdimensional Rift and in Origin was not Clive--it was Joshua. Joshua, who'd picked up the power of creation. Joshua "with my light in your heart" Rosfield, who occupied Clive's being so much that Ultima could not. (In short, Joshua benevolently "stole" Mythos out from under Ultima.)

...Coming to the conclusion that Clive ultimately did fulfill his original vow, coming full circle: To kill the one who killed his brother, and then let whatever happened next, happen.

Which means...if we agree with Cid's perspective, Clive was not free. He did not fight for himself, nor against his fate. He did not try to save himself after Joshua was gone, even when so many others wanted him to. (Irony of ironies, Clive committed what was one of Ultima's chief sins according to his brother: He refused, in the end, to honor the faith and will others had for him to return, even those he most treasured.)

If one person makes their relationship and duty to another person their whole identity, can that person truly be free willed, on a spiritual scale?

No...I don't think they can be.

Free will (I think) demands some sense of inherent worth, independent selfhood/ personhood--a sense of identity that allows for the value of others' input, but does not require them to validate or qualify it.

Whether he triumphs or fails; whether he lives or dies, I would very much like to see Clive fight for himself--to find out who or what he is to himself when not defined by his role or duty to another person.

#ffxvi #clive rosfield #joshua rosfield #ultima ffxvi #ff16 #Bear in mind this is not a critique of the story. Clive sure did mean it when he said that whole “imperfect beings” bit. #But even then! Even then he's speaking on 'humanity’s' behalf...not his own. #And then after going off about 'not needing a reason'...he turns around--immediately sees what he can do about Joshua... #... and then uses Ultima's power even though it could very well be suicide...saying 'these are our terms'. #Cool bro... what about *YOUR* terms? What do those look like? #Are you truly a vessel emptied out in the end? #(Which...still makes me side-eye his choice to slurp up Ultima like an Eikon all the more. So so so risky. #'Clive lives BUT w/ consequences' is the DLC I hope for most.) #ffxvi spoilers