#out of spoons for it

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[tiffanyachings]

she's the funniest person alive actually

#yeah yeah yeah one of devotion's casualties etc but don't forget. she is also very very funny #literally cannot get over her offering pal to find him another spoonful of blood while she is actively bleeding out #the locked tomb #camilla hect

[inkskinned]

as we enter the start of a semester and the dreaded Hour of Making Friends us upon us... if ur ever at a loss for what to say in one of those weird social situations where you only vaguely-know people, one of my favorite questions to ask is "what is your favorite food crime." a food crime is like the food combination that you love that other people find revolting. press them to take it further than pineapple on pizza, that's rote. food crimes is a good topic that has many benefits as it turns out all people are degenerates and also it will give you some cool ideas to try out later in the privacy of your own degenerate kitchen

the other good thing to ask is "okay but has anyone here ever been someplace haunted" bc it turns out if you ask most people directly they don't believe in ghosts, but many people are like "oh yeah i lived in a haunted house. ghosts aren't real tho"

#my food crime is that i regularly make a “pasta and tuna” situation that has somehow gotten even more evil and degenerate over time. #it is a ''white wine reduction'' (it's just white wine and garlic powder & seasoning) #and tuna from a can. #and plain pasta. #if i have the spoons i will actually chop garlic for it but this tends to be my comfort food for a REALLY bad day #bc its super easy to make: #boil pasta. drain. put into bowl for later. into same pot u used for pasta. #put tuna (with oil/water from can). let fry a little for like 2-3 min. put in whatever amount of wine. season to taste. #the tuna will get a little crisp on it which is nice. important side note: #this began as a Bolognese sauce. #and one day i had to sub for tuna. i know. not ideal. i cried about it too. #somehow over time it is now its own little evil thing. i would never make someone else eat it. it is beautiful. #but yeah i don't even stir the pasta in afterwards i just slap pasta into serving bowl #slap this ''''''sauce'''''''' on top #molto bene #(i really can cook fairly well btw. this is a food crime. not a suggestion of skill or ability) #(i LOVE baking but when i cook for myself. the autism is obvious. bc i just don't understand the point of most of the steps) #(.... i can just eat the deli meat out of the bag. it is protein. i don't even have to like it. i just have to eat enough calories.) #(also i used to cook MUCH more before this apartment which is so small that i can stretch my arms out and overreach the counter length.) #(.... i'm 5.2. so.)

[egophiliac]

this chapter has been so absolutely nuts that I actually low-key forgot that I had a couple of new UM posters to do! wild! anyway, I gotta think about Lilia's some more, so here is my beautiful electric crocodile son in the meantime. god I hope this reads properly

(I went with Volt to go with his name, but there's a Bolt version too in the print-size folder!)

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers #unique magic posters #sebek: i have no choice...i'm going to have to use my special secret technique... #sebek: (furiously shuffling his socks on the shag carpeting) JUPITER THUNDERCLAP ZAP #i love him so much #it turns out i had missed a couple of scenes in his hexagon map so i went back and made sure to hit everything #and i am SO glad i did #i almost missed the spoon scene! I ALMOST MISSED THE SPOON SCENE #every single bit with little sebek and silver is just such a delight #in fact every single bit with big sebek and silver is pretty delightful too #sebek going 'silver if you don't come out RIGHT NOW i'm going to tell everyone your embarrassing fishing story!' is a personal favorite #tell us the story sebek. TELL US

[quiddling]

feel like pure shit just want spoon back x

#spoon and wyatt kinda look alike maybe that why chen likes him #how do u draw dogs #ALSO are there any other cool IF i should check out? ive been peeping at a few and curious what the new cool ones are B) #wyatt holt #art #digital art #my art #drawing #fan art #procreate #original character #oc #fhr #fallen hero #fallen hero rebirth #fallen hero retribution #fallen hero rebirth sidestep #fhr sidestep #sidestep #fhr steel #steelstep #wei chen #fhr wei chen #fhr chen #fallen hero steel #fhr spoon

[phireads]

Please reblog if you can so I can get a larger sample size

Feel free to put any clarifications in the tags (I’d be very grateful) <3

#mine #polls #not books #disability #disabled #chronic pain #chronic fatigue #physical disability #physically disabled #spoonie #spoon theory #cerebral palsy #mobility issues #physically impaired #christine miserandino #spoons #out of spoons

[foxesandthieves]

tenderness noun

1. ⊛ gentleness and affection 2. ⊛ sensitivity to touch or palpation

#dodgerfox #dodgerfoxedit #theartfuldodgeredit #jackdawkinsedit #bellefoxedit #the artful dodger #jack dawkins #belle fox #ships #multi ep #foxesandthieves #definition #i'm totally fine thanks for asking just kinda feels like someone is carving my insides out with a dull spoon nbd

[prince-liest]

Some thoughts on Lucifer's mental health, relationships, and role as king of hell!

Lucifer’s perception of himself as the king of hell is really interesting to me because he’s very blase about it in canon while totally using it when it suits him.

I think it’s really telling that the first time he actually brings it up himself is when it’s something he can leverage to help Charlie out. He reads to me like someone who objectively knows that he’s the hottest shit in town, but also just doesn’t really think that it matters most of the time because it's not relevant to his personal problems. Being Lucifer Morningstar did not allow him to achieve his goals in petitioning heaven. Being the most powerful person in hell didn’t even un-fuck his family life!

...Except for when suddenly it might in fact help un-fuck his relationship with his daughter.

It's the main thing he can desperately and dramatically showcase as a worthwhile reason for Charlie to maintain a relationship with him, because he as a person is depressed, half-functional, and barely has enough spoons to pay attention to a conversation he's having with her while he's actively having it, nevermind remembering their last one.

He wants to! And it doesn't start with his song at the hotel! It starts with him answering the phone, heavily fumbling actually connecting with Charlie despite clearly desperately wanting to, and then realizing she's asking him for something and promptly choking on his tea before excitedly telling her, "Yeah! Of course! Anything within my power is yours for the asking, you just name it." He knows that there is a great deal 'within his power,' and he's happy and relieved that he can offer her that!

Lilith has been gone for years but he's still wearing his wedding ring. His walls are still covered in family portraits. He's just been sitting in his room making thousands of rubber ducks he thinks suck instead of ruling hell, because his daughter liked that one duck he made one time.

Charlie needed him to support her in her mission, but damn did Lucifer also need Charlie to get him out and moving and actually doing things again.

Anyway, someone get this man on an SSRI.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin lucifer #lucifer magne #lucifer morningstar #meta #personal #text posts #long post #expanding on some comments I made about him in an ask! #can't WAIT to find out what his and Lilith's deal is #my funky little depressed king #Alastor took him not knowing who he was personally #but after his comments about watching TV and not remembering Charlie's hotel #I think it's pretty clear Lucifer is just out of touch as hell because he hasn't got the spoons to function like people think he would #ETA: I tried to write a little rambling meta post failed to get my feelings out and now I'm 3k words into a fic #I NEED TO JUST REMEMBER THAT FIC COMMUNICATES MY FEELINGS BETTER..........

[qui-gg]

Studied the actual lavender chamomile candle that I have she is very pretty

Bonus this extremely old bald candle art

#candle ii #inanimate insanity #yinyang ii #silver spoon ii #thinkers ii #theres no way she doesnt have a pool of hot wax in her head 24/7 #plus a candle her size would burn out after 32 hours of being lit consecutively so she would havw to get a redipping like every 1-2 days #i love candle #cutecandle #fuckass trio

[cosmicallyavg]

forgive me if this is like. common knowledge but i just realized thirteen's sonic is shaped like that because it's made out of spoons. and so its literally the shape of a spoon

#i feel like an idiot #is this common knowledge or #am i just slow #its been 6 years #like i just assumed 'made it myself. mostly out of spoons' #was like. she melted the spoons and used the metal and then decided to make it look like that #but no #its the shape of a goddamn spoon #she literally molded spoons into a sonic screwdriver #i just assumed the curved shape was to make it more ✨️ feminine ✨️ or whatever #(which tbh that still might be part of the reasoning) #but its like that for other reasons #fjgjflfkfmfjgn #im an idiot #doctor who #thirteenth doctor #sonic screwdriver

[allgremlinart]

yes obviously I'm sad that the new Alucard design doesnt show tits and is like. 10,00000 x more sallow and colorless but its environmental storytelling u know ?

like he doesn't age but. just looking at him.. there are cobwebs in that pussy. if you touched him mothballs are falling out of his hair. he needs to go to the vampire dry cleaners. he hasn't had friends in like 200 yrs. etc

#alucard #castlevania #I wont apologize for the person I'll become when I finally get enough spoons to watch Nocturne now that its out #anyway hope someone eats his ass in this series too. they've set the bar for that and I'm keeping them to it.

[illufinch]

#my art #thats my cat tammy :) she likes 2 spoon and claws my face if we're not cuddling #lately she's started reaching out an arm over my phone screen so i pay more attention to her #edited the colour one a bit

[spoonbf]

syd and stan 🤝 spoon and ema

u see my vision

#does this make sense #harlan coben's shelter #arthur spindell #arthur spoon spindell #spoon spindell #ema winslow #the ianowt fandom is probably long dead #like bones #fossils if you will #lesbians and their nb gay best friends #i feel like they would be devastated when they found out it got canceled #🥄

[bibuddie]

this goes beyond friendship i love you to the core this goes beyond friendship i love you to the core this goes beyond friendship i love you to the core this goes beyond friendship i love you to the core this goes beyond friendship i love you to the core this goes beyond friendship i love you to the core this goes beyond friendship i love you to the core this goes beyond friendship i love you to the core this goes beyond friendship i love you to the core this goes beyond friendship i love you to the core THIS GOES BEYOND FRIENDSHIP I LOVE YOU TO THE CORE THIS GOES BEYOND FRIENDSHIP I LOVE YOU TO THE CORE THIS GOES BEYOND FRIENDSHIP I LOVE YOU TO THE CORE!!!!!!!!

#ryan guzman #buddie #might idk gouge my eyes out with spoons

[arson-09]

Rhysand really thinks his trauma trumps everyone elses trauma

Ofc i feel bad cause rhysand was obviously abused UtM but that doesn’t excuse the fact he 1- does shit things to other people 2- can act like since he was traumatized he is morally superior.

and i know the rhysand-ites will yap about how “he knows hes not good” or “he doesnt think that at all!” but the narrative certainly thinks so. sjm jumps through HOOPS to convince you rhysand is a great and amazing person no matter what and good god it’s annoying

#acotar #a court of thorns and roses #rhysand #anti rhysand #sjm #sjm critical #most annoying male lead and ive read some bad books #rhysand strikes pure anger in my heart #part of it are the literacy blind people who just believe everything they are told in the book #which i blame poor writing and the fact people didnt pay attention in english class #the curtains could be blue for a fucking reason #im tired of books that try to spoon feed you the point of the story #they try to take away the nuance and good god chill out

[itspileofgoodthings]

Good morning what are the movies or tv shows that traumatized you as a kid mine are the BBC production of A Christmas Carol and a handful of David Suchet Poirot episodes

#my dad always thought if something was well done it was appropriate for children #so we never watched the silly little kid version of things. The muppet Christmas Carol? My dad would N E V E R #anyway a Christmas Carol ruined Christmas for me for YEARS #i hated to think about it #and poirot was just. traumatizing #there’s one called murder on the links which involved a golf course at night which is one of the most terrifying locations I can imagine #also there’s one called death in the clouds #and poirot uncovers the murder because there are two spoons on the dead lady’s tray of airplane food #and the way he says ‘he picks up a spoon giving him the task of a waiter to carry out’ #when explaining the murder at the end to this DAY sends chills up my spine #I know this is very obvious but the thing about fear is that it isn’t about logic or reason but it is about revelation #it’s like the flip side of moments of good and happy insight #at least for me #what terrifies me is a moment where some kind of evil is revealed in a blinding FLASH #a motive or (I guess) a ghost #and there is this presence of some malevolent entity underneath the reality of things #and something about it being SEEN almost more than it existing #is so scary. Like I. #Poirot uncovering the murder and describing it with such studied fascinated careful attention #pulling back the layers of a blind of one kind or another #shakes me to. my. CORE. #and it’s all so visual and instinctive. it’s one tiny little moment that doesn’t fit suddenly pulling back the curtain of reality #with such terrifying abruptness #makes me want to sit down and cry like a baby #the knowledge of evil doesn’t scare me. as in it doesn’t elicit an emotional/physical reaction of fear #but seeing it in embodied action. again. where it’s some tiny ordinary little detail suddenly ripping reality as you know it to shreds #the surprise of it. the recalibration it demands #I !!!!!!!!! Get so afraid