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#overthinking

okay listen to my recent problems.

so im like super lonely. and i really want a relationship. and rn im talking to this one guy and its all great. BUT im scared. like what of he’s just messing around with me? what if he’s joking with his friends like haha look i bet you I’ll get this girl’s attention and make her fall in love with me and then I’ll just started ghosting her. i mean this happened only once (the ghosting part) and i dont know why im so scared.

and even if he tells me like yo i really like you, like fr. i would be like okay sure we can try. BUT im scared that im just rushing things and that I’ll hurt him by not being sure of my emotions. like what if i want to be with him just because im lonely. because i dont feel any kind of real emotion. it’s all just numbness. i dont know if i like him. to me he just exists and talks to me. thats it. yeah sure i sometimes get excited when i get a text but it’s not any kind of real excitment.

also then this new guy texts me, i mean technically he’s not new, we’ve been to the same middle school, but like new as in the story. and then he’s like oh yeah i just broke up with my girlfriend after 9 months. so im just like there comforting him and shit. and then he asks me how has life been going for me. and i dont know what to say to that because its not going great but if i tell him that he would want to know more and we haven’t talked in two (2) years. and so i tell him oh yeah like its fine i guess and then i just tell him like oh lmao i hate myself, like i said it like a joke and he’s just like oh you’re not depressed right? are you still funny and relatable as you were in middle school? bruh. i feel like i was judged so hard. and then he asked me out and i was like yeah sure because we were friends and all and we haven’t seen each other for two (2) years. and he was like oh yay tbh i thought you were going to say no. idk why but he just gives me like toxic vibes. like my ex toxic vibes.

i know no one’s gonna read this so :D

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people only break your heart. you let them in, you trust them, they take everything, and then they leave you behind bleeding. they leave you with a hole in your heart you cannot seem to fill. sure, you can heal, you can learn how to live without them, but your heart will never be whole again, it will never be the same as it was before. it will be scarred forever, and that scares the shit out of me.

— Late Night Cigarette Talks

via theresawlln

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Intrusive Ends

Dear Ocean,

You are you now.

Thank you

For throwing down your weapons

For me. For safety. For love.

Your waves are not blades.

Your foam is not blood.

You are not poison

Or addiction or pain.

You are still, calm, and clear.

You are you and only you.

Thank you.


Dear Knives,

I am not a piece of meat

To be studied and handled,

Not by the likes of you

With your cold glares,

Mocking sneers, and lies.

You might be you,

But I am me, and I am not

A piece of meat for you.


Dear Cars, Roads, etc,

You and I are nothing.

Separate. Ties severed.

No brainwashing for me,

No power for you,

It is over.

I’m setting myself free,

Ending this long war

On my own terms.

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Just thinking…

There’s one thing about myself that I do not like…

I. THINK. TOO. MUCH.

It’s a bad habit of mine.


The one question that constantly comes to mind during this isolating time is …

Can you get something back that you lost?

Can you regain something that disappeared from your life with no explanation?

Can things go back to the ways they were?


I like to think that we should live life with no regrets! And I follow this through and through.

But there is one thing I regret,

There is one thing that still bothers me till this day,

There are three little words I wish I kept to myself…

“I like you”.


If I knew those three words would take someone away from me in the blink of an eye,

Someone who I thought was my best friend,

I would have NEVER. EVER. EVER. said those three little words.

If I knew that I would still be thinking about it 3 years after the event,

I would have NEVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. let my heart open up to you the way it did.

If I knew that I would still feel this way after so many years after the event…


I don’t know if I’m hurt that you dropped me after stupidly confessing my feels to you

Or

If I’m hurt that you dropped me during the toughest moment in my life.


Thinking back I felt the disconnection happening, but I was optimistic enough, dumb enough, confident enough to believe that we were still chill.

I was wrong.

I was dumb for thinking we would be cool after that.

I was inconsiderate for even opening up about it.

I’m immensely stupid for still thinking about it when it’s probably dust under the rug for you.

I don’t know.


Beautiful and fun things have happened in my life since we stopped talking, but not a moment goes by when I’m not curious to know how you’re doing.

Whatever, I should get out of my head. ✌🏽

🌻

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ps-telText

You see, it ain’t as bad as it turned out to be. The mind wanders as far, as good or as worse as it could reach. But reality is always bounded with walls of possibility what our thought seems to oversee. It goes fast and wild crossing every boundary and we tend to get absorbed, occupied or be blown by it unknowingly. But if we capture our thoughts instead of getting tamed by it, maybe somehow, we can taste a little bit of freedom and ecstasy.

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a friend

i’ve never felt more alone

i didn’t even know i

could feel this alone


i long for someone

who i do not

have


someone who

i have never

meet


some idea of a

person

who will understand me


and love me for me

who wants to get

to know me


who can relate

to all of the problems

i have faced


and share excited

emotions

along with stories


of both fun

and frightening

times


i truly

long for someone

who i do not have

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remind me

and if you leave me,

make sure it’ll be for the better.

give me closure

let me know you’re going

tell me why you’re leaving


i may never understand.

i won’t go anywhere,

but i’ll try to come back.

remind me why you left.


this can only help me.


i’ll continue to ask

the same questions

over and over again.

remind me why you left.


you’ll have to explain

in great detail.

just remind me why you left.


help me understand.

please,

remind me why you left.

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tell me

tell me you’ll love me

even when the

going gets rough,

and it feels like

nothing will be better.


tell me you’ll never leave me

even when i feel

lost and alone

in this quiet room.


tell me you’ll always care for me

even when others come and go

fade in and out.


tell me you’ll always be here

even when i don’t believe you

and hate myself.


i need your love,

to know you’ll never leave.

that you’ll care,

even when i think you don’t.

to know you’ll always be here.

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you left

you said i was cute.

you said i was pretty.

you said i was awesome.

you said i was gorgeous.

you said i was amazing.

you said i was beautiful.

you said i was perfect.

you said you loved me.

you said you cared.

you said you wouldn’t lie.

you said you wouldn’t leave.

you said

you said

you said

did you ever love me?

did you care?

was that all lies?

because guess what?

you left.

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«Hai fatto il passo più lungo della gamba quando hai detto che per me ci saresti stata comunque e che quell’amore che per me provavi senza buoni risultati si sarebbe trasformato mutando nella forma ma non nell’intensità, che saremmo stati amici fino al resto dei nostri giorni o almeno della nostra giovinezza. Avrebbe potuto funzionare e invece poi ti ho vista dissolverti nell’aria diventando un ricordo assillante e poi neanche quello. Granelli confusi nell’atmosfera che so essermi appartenuti in una forma coerente ed ora impercettibili ad occhi aperti e pugni chiusi.»

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