chapter seventeen — i'm not entirely to blame
➝ it's so easy to lie to yourself...
➝ word count: 3,5k
➝ warnings: mentions of smut
Toto lived in an extremely quiet, charming neighborhood just outside of Oxford, in a little hamlet called Boars Hill. His house was set on two acres of land that was mostly surrounded by trees, with a spacious and well-maintained back garden. Since the first time Cassie had visited his house, when Ingrid was still just an idea in their heads, she had a good feeling about it. She could even see herself walking down the narrow country roads pushing Ingrid in her pram, or watching Ingrid romp around the back garden as she and Toto sat watching her in chairs on the patio, just like a real family.
“No, Cassie, we’re not a real family”, she scolded herself as she made a left turn onto Bedwells Heath, looking carefully through the trees for Toto’s drive. She’d missed it once or twice before.
It wasn’t that they weren’t already a family of sorts; they’d come together to have a child, which meant they would be linked together in something resembling a familial unit, just not in the traditional sense. They were just friends, who were going to be parents together, but without the affection couples normally had for each other.
Except, though, sometimes their feelings for each other, at least for Cassie’s part, felt bigger than she would be willing to admit.
Plus, there was the sex…
The memory of Thursday night sent a rush of heat running over Cassie's skin. After bringing her to climax twice and giving her a few minutes to catch her breath, she felt the same heat as before. Just as she was going to remark on the sensation, she was interrupted by Toto as he kissed her again, his hands holding her tightly before sliding to the spot between her legs and making her come a third time.
However, when Cassie made a move to return the favor, Toto stopped her.
— Tonight is about you, Cassie. Just about you.
As she parked her car in front of Toto’s house, she clenched her jaw as she remembered the way he had cleaned her up and put her to bed, kissing her gently on the forehead before he left her flat, ignoring her pleas for him to stay. Seeing him leave hurt more than it should have, but there was nothing that could be done.
Toto would never be hers completely.
As she stepped out of the car, she looked up at the front of the house, admiring the traditional-yet-modern exterior, especially the way the front of the house looked like a circular tower, with a large panoramic window on the top floor. A vision popped into her mind — she and Toto sitting on the sofa together, his arm around her shoulders, her snuggled into Toto’s side. No work to do, no races on the other side of the world to get off to, just the two of them enjoying each other’s company, watching their daughter play with dolls or blocks on the colorful area rug as a summer rainstorm rolled through the meadows surrounding Boars Hill.
A perfect, quiet afternoon.
She shook her head as she pressed the button for the doorbell, chiding herself for letting her imagination get carried away again. A few seconds later, it opened, revealing the smiling face of the house’s owner.
— You know you don't need to ring the doorbell, right? — Toto said, smiling. He was wearing a chambray button-down and a pair of loose-fitting khaki trousers. His shirt was completely unbuttoned, exposing a plain white t-shirt underneath. To Cassie’s surprise, he was also wearing a pair of glasses with round, black frames. She wasn’t sure he’d ever seen him dressed quite so casually. Even when he had accompanied her to the clinic, he tended to wear a pressed Oxford shirt and some sort of dress trousers. She knew he occasionally wore glasses, but it was rare.
— I didn’t want to seem presumptuous — Cassie replied — Besides, I don't live here.
— Not yet. But you will.
— Temporarily.
— Yes, but I still hope you see it as home while you’re here — he replied, opening the door wider — Come in and make yourself comfortable, please.
With a small smile on her face, Cassie walked past him, greeting him with a kiss on the cheek. Leaving her bag in the entrance hall, she waited for Toto to close the door to follow him through the house, stopping for a few seconds to look at the compass rose tiled into the floor of the entranceway. She had always found that detail of the house very charming.
— Are you hungry? I can make some tea before…
— It’s fine. I ate before leaving home.
— Are you sure?
— I'm fine, really — she replied, trying to reassure him.
Toto let out a sigh.
— Well, if you don't need anything, could you come upstairs with me?
Cassie nodded, following Toto up the stairs to the second floor, where the nursery was. He had shown it to her in the first few weeks of her pregnancy. However, instead of turning right, towards the door of the nursery, he turned left, opening the door and asking her to step inside.
It was a large suite with a king-size bed facing a large window, which had an impressive view of the garden at the back of the house. There were also two armchairs next to a fireplace, as well as a large painting above it of an Alpine landscape, perhaps in Austria. Staring at the painting Cassie realized which room she was standing in.
— Why are we here in your bedroom?
— Because it will be yours. Well, while you're here.
She blinked.
— But… This is your bedroom, I couldn’t possibly…
— There are three other bedrooms I can sleep in. It’s no trouble.
— Toto, I can’t…
— Cassie, you need to be comfortable, especially after the birth. This room is big, has a very comfortable bed and a private bathroom en suite. Also, it’s the one that’s closest to the nursery.
— I don't need a big room. Any place will do, even the nursery. We can have the decorator put…
He shook his head.
— No, we’re not going to put your bed in the nursery.
— But if I stay in the nursery I’ll be close to…
— You won’t be able to get any rest if you stay in the nursery, Cassie. You won't sleep because you'll be keeping an eye on the baby. You know that being fatigued will not help you recover after the baby is born, and it will just make taking care of her more difficult.
Cassie clenched her jaw and looked away from him. He wasn't wrong. If she was with Ingrid constantly, she’d be on high-alert at all times, and wouldn’t ever be able to get any rest, even when she needed it. She would hate for something bad to happen to the baby because she was tired.
— Okay — she conceded — I'm not going to sleep in the nursery, you’re right. But, I'm not going to take you out of your bedroom. I can stay anywhere else, but not here.
Toto sighed.
— Okay, come with me.
The two went to another bedroom, a little smaller, but no less comfortable-looking. The minimalist, almost-generic decor gave the impression that it was just a guest room, not used very often; everything looked almost brand-new.
— The only problem with this room is that it doesn’t have a private bathroom, so you will have to use the one in the hallway. Otherwise, it’s just as nice as the master bedroom.
— It's great — she smiled, heading over to the bed and sitting on the mattress to try it out. Toto sat next to her, a small smile on his face.
— I'll ask Bertha to get everything ready for you to settle in next week.
— Next week? — Cassie said, her eyes going wide.
— Yes, so you have time to get comfortable and…
— Toto, I was going to move in after I’m discharged from the hospital with the baby, I couldn’t possibly…
— But there are so many things for us to do before the baby arrives — Toto exclaimed — We have to tidy up the nursery once it’s ready, buy more clothes, get the car seat, get all of the baby’s things organized, pack your bags for the hospital, you still have doctor’s appointments, we have to go to visit the maternity ward…
— I don't need to move here for that.
— And how are Bertha and I going to help you organize things if you’re not here?
Cassie raised an eyebrow.
— With your hands?
Toto gave a sarcastic laugh.
— Very funny.
She laughed.
— I know.
— The point is that, with you here, it will be easier to make decisions about things, especially regarding organization and routine in the first few days. Furthermore, I —Toto hesitated for a few seconds.
— You… What?
— I wanted to enjoy this time with you. You know, the…Nesting period, I think they call it. Plus, doing things for Ingrid without you is strange. Every time I buy things for the baby, the salespeople ask where my wife is, so I lie and say that it is for a friend’s daughter, because if I tell them it is for my daughter, they will want to know more about her, and I don’t want them to get the wrong idea and that they will think trying to have a family this way is strange, and…
Cassie sighed in frustration, taking Toto’s hand in hers.
— We're not doing anything wrong, Toto. We are only doing what we want, which is having a family. Just because we’re not doing it in the most traditional manner doesn’t mean we’ll be any less of a family. Trust me, a traditional family isn’t always a happy one. I am speaking from experience, so trust me on that.
He looked at her, a small smile on his face.
— But we can do things better, Cassie.
Something inside her jumped, her heart pounding in her chest.
— Better?
— Yes. Move in with me.
— Toto…
— I'll feel a lot better if you're here, and Bertha can help keep an eye on you when I'm traveling.
— Toto, I'm not a child who needs to be supervised.
— But you have a child inside you. And she needs to be supervised.
— Yes, by me.
— And by Bertha — he said, giving one of those mischievous smiles that made her heart race. Seeing Cassie rolling her eyes, he added — And there's no point in making that face, Cassandra.
— You sound like I'm incapable of taking care of myself...
— I’m only saying this because I am concerned about the well-being of the woman who — he paused for a few seconds, as if he was evaluating the words he was going to use before continuing — Is pregnant with my daughter. That's all, Cassie.
Cassie was about to answer him when the doorbell rang downstairs. Toto stood up, saying that he was going to meet the decorator and she should wait for them in the nursery. Walking down the hallway with one hand resting on her stomach, she tried to shake off the anxiety that was building up by breathing deeply.
When she stepped into the nursery, she was a little surprised by the amount of things in the room already. In addition to the stroller, baby carrier, and the package of things from Mercedes-Benz that Ola had sent them after Toto had told him he was going to be a father, there were bags of baby clothes, and several boxes printed with the logo of a well-known toy shop in London. She had pulled a onesie out of a bag to look at, running her fingers over the screen printed lettering that read “future CEO” on it when she heard footsteps behind her.
— Well, this is the room — Toto said to the woman next to him. She was quite a bit shorter than him, with dark hair, styled into a pixie cut. She had glasses with dark-rimmed frames, and was holding a briefcase in one hand and a tablet in another. — And this is... Cassandra.
She dropped her clothes and went to the designer, smiling.
— Nice to meet you, Cassandra — she said, extending her hand to shake — I'm Taylor.
— Likewise, Taylor. You can call me Cassie, by the way.
— As you wish, Cassie — the woman replied, smiling — Well, if you don’t mind, I’d like to just ask a few questions so I can get to know both of you. For starters, how long have you been married?
Toto’s eyes went straight to the floor, and Cassie noticed it. He was definitely uncomfortable with that question. And that was what made Cassie smile at the woman.
— A few months. We decided to make it official after we discovered the little one was on its way.
The response made Toto look up suddenly, looking somewhat shocked at what she had said. However, if Taylor had noticed that reaction, she didn't notice it.
— Oh, that's great. And have you lived here for a long time?
— I moved here in 2012 — he answered. His entire demeanor had changed since her arrival. If he was cheery before, now he seemed distant and distracted — I did some renovations, but nothing major or thinking about a function for this specific room.
Taylor walked around the room a bit, taking photos with her phone, analyzing the walls and the window for a few seconds. Placing her bag on the floor, she took the tablet and its stylus out of its case. After a few taps, she began to scribble something on the device's screen, a thoughtful expression on her face.
— Is the baby a boy or a girl?
— Girl — Cassie replied.
— Do you have anything in mind regarding decoration or colors?
— No pink — Cassie replied, definitively — No unicorns and rainbows.
The woman smiled slightly, writing something down on the tablet. Then, she began to explain the ideas, as well as the trends that could be incorporated into the room and that would make their routine with the baby easier. She also discussed some of the pictures of cribs, closets and changing tables that Toto had sent her. Finally, she asked if they had a theme in mind or if they were thinking about something neutral.
— Well, I do — Cassie said, making Toto look at him — When we decided to become parents, the first thing Toto did was buy a plush bunny, and I don’t know why, but… It has stuck with me. I think that would be cute.
— Do you agree, Toto?
— Yes. Maybe something with rabbits — he mumbled, crossing his arms.
After asking a few more questions, taking measurements and making a joke about how much stuff they already had for the baby considering that Cassie wasn't even halfway through her pregnancy, Taylor said goodbye to them, stating that she would send new drawings with her ideas to the nursery by email to Toto. Then, politely, he motioned for the woman to follow him back to the house’s hall of entrance.
Alone in the nursery again, Cassie took time to stare at the white walls. She caressed her belly slowly, imagining herself in a comfortable rocking chair, breastfeeding her daughter. She imagined showing her the pictures of rabbits on the wall, the lamp on the ceiling, the cozy crib. She imagined herself changing her clothes and diapers, while talking and making faces at her, making her daughter giggle.
The room would be perfect.
The footsteps that sounded behind her made her look back, a small smile on her face. Toto had returned to his room in silence, with his eyes lost on the walls and his hands in his pants pocket.
— What did you think of her ideas? — Cassie asked, approaching him.
— Good — he replied, his voice flat.
— I liked the idea of indirect lighting that she suggested, to bring a more cozy atmosphere to the room, but I'm still in doubt about the style of the decoration, whether something more classical or something more modern is better — she continued, walking around the room — But her idea of using niches here to decorate is fantastic, isn't it?
Toto nodded, his gaze directed at the swaying treetops outside the window. It was the confirmation she needed to realize that he was strange, distant, even a little cold. And he had been that way ever since Taylor suggested the two of them were in a relationship.
She stepped toward Toto carefully.
— Toto? — Cassie asked softly, his eyes meeting hers — Look, if you're feeling bad about what I said, I just thought it was easier to lie than to try and explain our situation, I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable...
— Cassie, it’s not that, it’s just — he said, interrupting her abruptly — I’m just frustrated. Fuck.
— Why? — she asked, softly.
He ran a hand across his forehead, clearly uncomfortable.
— Because, even with all my work, all my effort, everything I said, not just to you, but to the lawyer and to myself, I failed.
— Failed? What do you mean?
— I failed to uphold our agreement by getting involved with you.
She swallowed hard, watching as Toto ran a hand through his hair, looking like he was about to come unglued. He was feeling guilty, but it was all Cassie’s fault. It was her fault that she hadn't been able to simply ignore her own horniness.
And it was consuming her.
— I know I shouldn’t have asked you that on Thursday...
— But you did — Toto grunted, looking a little irritated. His reaction made Cassie look down, feeling embarrassed. “I deserved that”, she thought.
— Toto…
— But the problem isn't you — he said, making her raise her head quickly, meeting his eyes — The problem here is me.
— But…
— You are in a vulnerable moment, feeling the effect of hormones, and all of that. It's not your fault for feeling urges and desires. But I'm to blame for not respecting the boundaries we set in the conversation with the lawyer. I should have said no to you, Cassie.
— And why didn't you? — she asked softly.
Toto stared at her silently, as if he was measuring his words. With every second, the tension inside Cassie grew.
— You said you needed my help. And I promised to help you. I was simply keeping my word — he finally replied.
— Then why are you so upset?
— Cassandra…
— After all, you were just keeping your word, simple as that.
— It's not that simple, Cassandra! — Toto exclaimed. She didn't know the reason, but her heart started to beat harder, her palms sweating. Hearing a man raise her voice, even as innocuous as the situation was, reminded her of her father, as well as the loud fights and arguments they had.
— And why not? — she managed to ask, her throat tightening.
— Because we made a legal agreement, stating that we would not have any romantic involvement.
— You know that's just a piece of paper, right? I'm not going to sue you for having sex with me.
— That’s not the point. We made a commitment, Cassandra, I had committed to giving you support and support to bear and raise our daughter. Of course, we started the wrong way, but I had already got it into my head that it was necessary, after all, to have a child, you have to have sex...
— Actually, there are other ways…
— For two fertile and healthy adults, having sex is the first option. But that's not the point, Cassie. My point is that, after doing what is necessary, it was my intention that things returned to what we had agreed upon.
He hesitated, running his hand over his face again. After a sigh, Toto continued.
— I like you, Cassie. You are an incredible, courageous, intelligent woman… I would never have a child with you if I didn't like you, but we went too far.
Cassie clenched her jaw. She couldn't say anything, the pain in her chest growing by the second.
— I think it’s better for us to… Put a limit on this.
— A limit… — she stammered.
— Yes, we need to re-establish our boundaries here. I will continue to support you, taking care of you. That won't change. The idea of you moving here still stands, everything remains the same. But, no intimacy. No kissing, no sex.
The thought of never kissing Toto again made Cassie's chest hurt, as did the thought of never feeling him touching her in a tender, sensual way again. To think that she would never again see him the way she had in those two nights was almost suffocating. Cassie had no idea how she would be able to move on knowing she would never have him again.
She felt like arguing, telling him that she was incapable of doing that because she was completely in love with him and was willing to tear up any paper and face anything to have him for herself. Maybe this was the time to say the three words she most wanted to say to him.
Yes, that was the time.
— Toto…
— Are you okay with that? Can we go back to just being friends?
“No, Cassandra”, she told herself.
— Yes, we can.
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60 with guro reiten please (if u write 4 her)
A/N: this ficlet turned in a full grown fic.
60 - “I’ve never felt this way before and I’m terrified to be honest”
It wasn’t that you were a player, you simply didn’t want to open yourself up to the wrong person only for them to hurt you……again.
Guro was different to the other girls though. She seemed genuinely interested in you and not just the things on the surface. It first started when the two were assigned to each other on away trips. You remember it was just after the World Cup and you were sour about the way England was knocked out but then the first day of pre-season training you met her and within minutes she had you smiling from ear to ear.
You wanted to get to know her and more important you wanted to let her get to know you. Without realising it you were taking down the walls that surround you heart one by one, or maybe Guro was taking to them with a sledgehammer.
Chelsea had a signing day at the adidas flagship store down Oxford street. You, Millie, Magda, Pernille, Erin and Guro were the players chosen as you were fans favourites, even Emma joined you half way through.
You were sat at the end with Guro next to you. The two of you guys playing games of noughts and crosses as you wait for the next fan in line. Absentmindedly your arm found its way to the back of Guro’s chair, the winger leaning closer to you in response.
A couple of confident fans would sneak you there number but you would hand it back the them stating, in the nicest possible way, that you aren’t interested.
“Y/N turning down a fan, that’s a first” Millie teases.
“Why? She had legs and a beating heart, totally your type” Erin joins in but you can’t help but feel a little bit hurt at her remark. Is this really how she saw you?
“Leave her alone” Magda tells them.
“Thank you”
“At least this way we won’t have her groupies camping outside our hotel just to shoot their shot with the hottest bachelorette in the WSL” Pernille adds.
“Don’t listen to them” you whisper into Guro’s ear.
She doesn’t respond but the look on her face doesn’t fill you with confidence.
Emma, who upon arriving, took a seat next to you at the end before pulling you aside when a staff member calls for a break halfway through the signing.
“What wrong?” She asks and you shake your head, nothing was wrong, this is the happiest you have been in a long time.
“Really? Because the fans are flirting with you and you aren’t giving them the time of day” Emma is straight to the point as always.
“I’m not interested” you response is simple.
“Let’s say I believe you. Can you please just entertain them for the rest of the day. I saw them in line, most of them have your shirt on and we would love for them buy tickets for tomorrow game, don’t you want to play at a sold out kings meadow?”
You sigh deeply. You didn’t want to flirt with the fans especially when the woman you were developing feelings for sat right next to you.
“Are you asking me or telling me?” You want your coach to know that you don’t want to do it but you will if you have to.
“Y/N” Emma says when she sees your face, the cocky confident Y/N she has known for years is nowhere to be seen.
“Doesn’t matter. I’ll do what is best for the team”
With that you walk back to the signing table only to find that Guro has swapped with Erin.
“Reunited and it feels so good” Erin sings.
“Fuck off ez” you weren’t in the mood and given your new task you want to get the day over with.
The next hour is painful for you but the fans are loving it. You flirt them, accept their numbers and as asked, you encourage them to come the game, stating that you hope to see their pretty faces in the crowd.
After an hour or so the signing ends.
You missed Guro in the second part of the signing. Erin was great but she failed in comparison to the Norwegian.
“Hello you” you nudge her shoulder.
“Hi” her reply is short and held a little bit of anger.
“Is everything ok? I know these days can be a little bit overwhelming but it’s part of the job” you try to reassure her.
“Well you seemed to be in your element. How many numbers did you get?”
“It doesn’t matter. They are in the bin now”
“Yeah right. I saw you, you loved it”
“No I didn’t, Emma made me. I don’t care about that kind of thing anymore”
“Hey girlies, we are going for some food, do you want to join us?” Millie asks unaware that she is interrupting.
“Yeah sure”
“No” Guro says “I’m going to head home. See you all tomorrow” and with that she was off.
“Guro wait” you say but it is no use as she is already in one of the cars.
Later that night you are out with your friends but you cannot stop thinking about her. You yearned for her company, more so than anyone else’s. It was a feeling that you hadn’t let yourself feel in years.
“Im going to leave, there’s somewhere else I need to be”
You don’t wait for them to respond. You throw some money on the table, enough to cover the bill and then leave.
Standing in front of Guro’s door you are on on your third attempt at knocking. Each time your knuckles are millimetres away you cowardly pull back.
“Jesus Y/N, what is this woman doing to you” you mumble to yourself before ripping the bandaid off and knocking at the door.
It is clear by her face that you are the last person Guro expected to see on the other side of the threshold.
“What are you doing here. I thought you were out with the girls?” She asks.
“I would rather spend my night with you” you say.
Fear washes over you when Guro doesn’t respond, she leaves you standing there.
“Can I come in? There’s something I want to talk to you about” you can see the conflict on her face “please”
She steps aside, her cheeks slightly flushed when she realises that she should have invited you in sooner.
“Why didn’t you come out tonight?” You ask. It is a question that had been on your mind all night.
“They warned me about you. When I first came to the club I let slip that I thought you were hot. Then a few months later I told Erin that I had a crush on you. She told me that you didn’t do the relationship thing and that I would end up hurt if I told you how I felt but then recently it felt you were changing”
“ I have changed Guro, because of you”
“No you haven’t. Today I saw it”
“You saw me pimping myself out on our coaches orders but I didn’t want to. I haven’t wanted to do that kind of thing for a while now”
“What are you saying?” A small smile tugs on Guro’s lips.
“I don’t know. I’ve never felt this way before and I’m terrified to be honest. I really like you Guro but I don’t want to get hurt again” you surprise yourself at your honesty.
“What kind of chance do we have if you are already thinking about the end?”
“Given my last relationship it’s kinda hard not too” you say hoping that she will see this from your point of view.
“I like you too Y/N, a lot” Guro takes a step closer to you, a knowing look in her eye “I don’t know how this will end but I want to try”
“Would you like to go for coffee tomorrow then we can ride to the game together?” You ask.
“I would but on one condition” your brows furrow in both confusion and intrique “no more getting fans numbers”
“Deal?” Guro holds her hand out
“Deal”
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