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#parallels make me happy though
secretmellowblog · 4 months
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Woah some Les Mis genius just made a tiktok diving into the canonical parallels between Jean Valjean and St Nicholas:
Or watch on tiktok to boost this excellent person in the algorithm! They are clearly trying very hard to produce quality analysis about extremely important Les mis things like “Jean Valjean breaking into people’s houses to secretly give them money,” but do not have a lot of followers yet! :
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fairyroses · 1 year
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— SMALLVILLE, “Reaper” (1.17) & “Tempest” (2.01) 
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verflares · 21 days
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this all being said about the light dragon and how it is definitely the biggest highlight of totk (for me at least), i Do think a lot of the reaction to it Is dependent on botw and zelda's characterisation from that game... a lot of which is kind of lacking in totk because of her more passive role (e.g. you are told about her + see her actions after they have already happened)
like. if you didn't already really like zelda and were sold on her relationship with link (and not even just from a shipping zelink perspective, like. just UNDERSTANDING they have a strong bond from everything they've gone through together) then i'm not sure if any of that stuff in totk would've hit as hard as it did. the game does very little to build on what we already know about them, which i think is both a letdown to new players (which. i am not sure why they are playing the sequel before botw, but that is how totk acts most of the time lmao) and returning ones, and as time goes on it's become harder for me to blame people for not caring for it as much.
what a truly odd game
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martyrbat · 10 months
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so many of you talk about the cruel adults in your childhood that negatively effected you and caused lifelong insecurity yet you're still perfectly fine with being that mean stranger to any kid that has the misfortune of existing around you and thats just really gross !!!
#like i get kids can be overwhelming for a various amount of reasons but its not going to kill you to treat children with basic human decency#adults can be just as overwhelming or annoying—if not more. yet if you talked to an another adult the same way you do to a kid#then ppl would fucking hate you and not want to be around you because youre not being cool and witty—youre just mean!!!#everyone has experienced the frustration of being a kid being mistreated by an adult. some more than others#rather its ignoring your bodily autonomy (from sa and assault to hugging you when you don't want to be touched to not letting you#make your own harmless choices like a haircut or whatever). everyone has been talked down to or had their opinion treated like its nothing#or that their thoughts or input doesn't matter. everyone has a childhood experience with a mean or judgemental adult#yet over and over ppl are fine just repeating that cycle of abuse and hatred#like youre a young adult and youre still getting treated like shit by older ones. but youre able to have a drink or you graduated or smthn#so now you feel like you earned that right to be judgemental & angry & mean to a group of people that didnt fucking do anything to you#anyways. this is because im sick and had to go to the store to get groceries and meds#so its a 20 minute walk to the nearest store in 108 degrees bc i dont have gas money and then in the store im ofc using a face mask#like im sweaty and feel disgusting and like shit but this kid was SO fucking excited about his spiderman toy and wanted to talk and#his mom said ‘i told you no one wants to hear about that crap leave her alone’ and like?? no fuck off let a kid be happy?? hes not fucking#doing anything wrong?? so we talked and he showed me the little tiy that lights up and asked if i saw the new spiderverse movie#and i told him i havent! so he asked why so i explained i have photosensitivity and what that means and why i cant see it#(‘even though i heard its super cool!’) and HE WAS SO SWEET... like immediately hid the toy because oh! flashing lights can hurt me!#and then immediately said dont worry because he'll tell me about it so its like i saw it instead!#and like. guys imma be honest with you. i stilm got no fucking idea what this movie's plot is.#but you bet your fucking ass i was pretending like i was following along & was going ‘no way!’ ‘so it's a parallel universe...?’ ‘oh wow!’#like yea its unnecessary. i felt oike i was gonna collapse and im still struggling to breathe at home now. but also i been the kid#who just wanted to talk about my interests and no one wanted to or was dismissing it.#i know it's not a end of the world deal but i also know that crushing feeling. you gotta be the kindness you want to see in the world yknow#anyways. be nice to kids or im not going to be nice to you. they're one of the most vulnerable members of our society and deserves kindness
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elegyofthemoon · 2 months
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i feel like i need to go back and reread the earlier manga even though they were retconned within the timeline but i feel so bad for mei in chapter 15 :(
i think it was in st.freya high/escape from nagazora (which i know are ggz or honkai gakuen 2 manga but it was on the reading list so i read it anyways asdlkfah), but i think a lot about how she was so afraid of her powers as a herrscher, and how it was kiana that had saved her back then.
there's "will of the herrscher" where she finds out that kiana's the herrscher of the void, and in parallel with escape from nagazora, mei tries to save kiana, and calling out to kiana, she does manage to get kiana's consciousness back but loses it so quickly and soon enough loses kiana in the process
then finally over in arc city, when she thought she would be able to reunite with kiana and bring kiana back home -- even despite everything, even despite how much kiana feels like she doesn't deserve to go home -- she still isn't able to save kiana the way kiana had saved her several times now, and how powerless she must feel against durandal taking kiana away from her.
she just wants kiana back :( please reunite them...
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hanzajesthanza · 2 years
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i think the witcher makes me feel a profound sadness every night because it’s about all the things we love so much, or that we wish we had, but can never get back. the tragedy of the uncontrollable. the pain of loss.
ciri, despite her youth and innocence, loses her home and family and then she even her adoptive parents, and then she even loses her youth and her innocence, and is left with nothing but a grotesque scar symbolizing her trauma that doesn’t fit her childlike face and a hardened, green glare. and a sword, which is only a burden.
her parents, despite their incredible love for her, despite all of their agony and sacrifice to get her back, despite their own loss of their honor, their pride, their blood — they lose her too. they lose a child, the most tragic loss of all.
dandelion loses his best friend, clutching at his memories like the weeds growing by loch eskalott, trying to grasp the last twenty years to write his memoires.
milva hears her father’s words when she shoots, and his wheezing echoes in her mind.
regis lost himself, his entire life, all the people he ever loved and chased away.
cahir, despite his large family that loves him more than imperial orders, can never return to darn dyffrya, feel the sun on his face in vicovaro ever again.
angoulême wonders if her mother would have loved her had she not abandoned her, imagines what her hand patting her head in praise could have felt like.
and then geralt loses them. all of them, one by one.
and nimue, reading about it all, can never meet the figures of the legend she has obsessed over for years and years… she has her part to play in it, she can know their voices from dialogues and know their faces from etchings, but will never be able to tell them she loves them, tell them how much they mean to her.
even when they find what they’re searching for, even when they find what they’ve desired so — it’s only for a bittersweet moment. they shortly lose it again. everyone in this series is so intertwined together and caught in the same snare of destiny, and at the very same time so very alone and abandoned
#additional edit: this textpost brought to you by carolina in my mind#edit: and no one’s loss is the exact same! even though there are parallels — everyone suffers differently.#i used to feel guilty describing my experience as ‘loss’ because it wasn’t pertaining to death and that’s typically what loss insinuates#but you can lose so many things outside of death. and inside of death i don’t rule that out — but for me at least#the witcher books made me realize there are soooo sooo many ways to suffer and girl i’m not special lol#like all the protagonists experience this horrid sadness and tragedy and they KEEP LIVING and then they SUFFER EVEN MORE and then they DIE#and its like omg thats horrifying but like that didnt make the read any less enjoyable. in fact it made it more so#if they just were happy all the time there would be no story#so it made me realize that even if you are suffering or even if you have lost. life is still worth living#and also that rage and ‘bad’ emotions and selfishness and all these evil things that rise up from within a person are in fact natural#the creation of children of contempt seems almost unavoidable in the world we live in#but the point is that you cant stay a child of contempt. you have to humble yourself or someone else (BONHART) will humble you#dont hurt others or leo bonhart will snatch that beret with the rooster feather right off your ashen-blonde head#the witcher books#txt#analysis#kind of? analysis: a big theme in this is loss. lol kind of obvious not really groundbreaking you’ll have to forgive me#f: a hansa's a hansa#f: i want to see the sky#damn who would think a war saga would be a tragedy smh#obv /s#personal
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rainbowcarousels · 8 months
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Heyoo^^
Just wanted to let you know I absolutely LOVE your Nicki-finds-Armand-after-his-suicide-attempt AU. Their interactions are hilariously macabre and your Nicki voice is one of the best I have ever red. Yeah, just wanted you to know:)
Thank you so much for saying so!
Nicolas was one of the characters that I very much latched onto when I very first read the books - in fact, Lestat/Nicki was my first ship before I read QOTD and I always found the lack of utilisation of him in fandom really disheartening. I even got my hopes up when Lestat couldn't find him in Memnoch but so sad that he's one of the only constants to remain dead. I understand that's part of the tragedy of him, but I guess I thought if the others from the era get their shot at a life after, he ought to as well.
Trying to balance Nicki's difficulties - Lestat saying joy was hard for him is such a sucker punch because of how frequently in TVL Lestat draws lines between Nicki running his mouth or making a show compared to genuine feeling and how he can see the difference in his face - while showing that I suspect some of the worst of his early vampire mania came from the absolute trauma conga line that preceeded his being made into one is not the easiest, but I hope I'm managing.
I think once he got past his own sense of betrayal and managed to settle himself with the trauma if not deal with it, it wouldn't be all that different to Armand which makes their interactions fascinating to me. They are both dealing with a percieved sense of betrayal and their world view being thrust upside down at the same time and I think Armand did the best he could given the state he was in, but they deserved a chance to rebuild. Especially given Nicki's known for being acerbic and not holding back when I think Armand needs a sense of harshness because the softness, the pity, the compassion of the others is just not something he can deal with at that point. He's too raw.
I do have parts of the next bit written but I want to get it right because Nicki meeting Louis has been something I've wanted to do a for a long time.
This is also a reminder that I really need to give that AU a name now there's a few things in it.
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jaypg9 · 1 year
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everyone look at my guys right now
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i-like-anything-water · 8 months
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I would like to make Shinobu have special blood. I would like to make Mitsuri stronger, faster and a sturdier than fifty men.
I would also like them to be friends in a war between two kingdoms. But they're not royalties, no, very far from it. They're at the front lines. Soldiers, sacrificial lambs. Weapons.
Shinobu's blood is special. That's what everyone says, that's why they keep her. They told her it's a lucky charm of sorts and the reason they keep winning the battles they fought. But it's not lucky blood, it can't even heal. No, her blood is toxic. Tainted. Born out of tragedies from generations to generations before her.
Her blood, once spilled on anyone unfortunate, would meet their greatest fear - death, loss, hallucinations, whatever they fear most. It's powerful, it's infinite so long as she lives and it's completely unknown by her.
Her blood is not hers. She is merely the vessel and puppet to those in command.
But it's okay. She doesn't need to know everything yet. She has Mitsuri. She can still keep this up, keep planning their escape. Her family was long gone and so were the memories. Blurred, hazy memories. Mitsuri was solid, comforting, alive.
Or Shinobu has blood that can create tragedies to those who are spilled with it and Mitsuri is her lifeline. Except, nobody has told her what her blood can actually do, just that it's lucky. When an ambush goes wrong and a vein is sliced showering them both of her blessing, she wonders if this was finally the time to escape.
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wholesome snow au snippet………... they’re brothers :)
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faerociousbeast · 7 months
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d.avekat is interesting on paper (both knights, shield+sword motif with d.ave attempting to hide himself and k.arkat lashing out so people hopefully dont realize how much they really feel, so on and so forth) but then in practice its like.......... most of the fan content is just rehashing of other canon dynamics that we literally already have (they both already have "best friends" who they rib with and hint: it isnt each other) and then canon is. kind of nothing
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reiderwriter · 13 days
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Hello!I hope you are having a great day!I love LOVE your writing and I would like to request a fanfiction where the reader is Hotch's daughter who works at the bau and is in a secret relationship with spencer without her dad knowing.Spencer wants to tell the team but she is scared about how they'll react so they fight but during a case she gets kidnapped and the feelings are high,so spencer accidentally reveals the relationship.I would love if it ended in smut (possibly dom!spencer who is angry at her for being so reckless and risking her life like that) and maybe a lot of angst??Hotch could potentially be fuming but when they get her back he decides that he will let them be??I would like my emoji to be 🌼!Thank you in advance and if you write this I would absolutely LOVE to read it!🤍🤍
A/N: I love writing for a Hotchner Reader because the Hotch/Spencer parallels are so 😙👌 This was so fun to write!
Warnings: Smut/ Angst with a happy ending, Semi-public sex, oral (f receiving), dirty talk, case details, kidnapping, abuse, strangulation, mentions of child death/ allusions towards pedophilia etc, Hotch is a somewhat shitty/overprotective dad/boss.
Masterlist!
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Falling back into a hotel bed that wasn't yours, you wrapped your legs around Spencer Reid as he furiously worked open the buttons of your shirt, his lips locked with yours in a furious exchange. 
“Spencer, Spencer, we can't-” You moaned as his lips fell down to your ear, a small tap to your thigh signalling that he wanted tour legs spread for him. Despite your vocal protests, you complied.
“Need to feel you,” he groaned, nipping and sucking his way down your chest as his big hands began pushing your skirt up and your panties down. 
“Spencer, someone will hear.” 
“I don't care who hears,” he whispered, finally ridding you of the last piece of material covering your wet sex. “I just want to make you feel good.”
His lips fell to your cunt, falling on your cunt as he began his ministrations. You loved this, the feeling of him near, his lips on you, his tongue teasing out whimper, then moan, then a scream of his name as you came undone on his lips. But that wasn't a chance you could take today. 
“He's in the next room, Spencer. Fuck, he's going to hear us.” 
You wouldn't push him off, enjoying too much the feeling of your building pleasure, so appealing to your boyfriend to do the right thing was your last resort as your hips bucked into his face, chasing your orgasm. 
He didn't stop, but held your hips down, thrusting his tongue in and out of you as his fingers came up to tease your clit. 
“Spencer, fuck-” you slapped a hand over your mouth as you shuddered below him, finally reaching your climax. 
Your hands fell limp as he worked you through the end of your orgasm before rising up to lay beside you on the bed. 
“I wish you wouldn't push it, Spencer. You're a dead man if he catches us like this.” 
“Hotch won't kill me just because I'm dating his daughter. I don't understand why you don't want to tell people.” 
You ran your hands through your hair in frustration. It was a conversation you'd been back and forward on a lot in the past six months. 
Dating a coworker was tricky, doubly so when your coworker’s boss - and your boss - was your overprotective father. Things only became more complicated when you factored in a ten year age gap and the fact that your father refused to view you as an adult, even when you were a fully qualified member of his own team. 
You'd had to fight for acceptance into the FBI and go above him to get the job on his team, a decision that he still berated you for to this day. But you'd had enough of him shielding you from reality, and it was a step you needed to take. 
Falling in love with Spencer Reid, though, that was just pure bad luck. 
You weren't sure how it had taken you until joining the team to meet the man, but you sure were glad he hadn't been introduced earlier. You'd joined the team at 24, having been in grad school until your FBI Academy application was approved, and somehow in the 10 years before that Spencer had worked under your father, you'd never crossed paths.
Of course, you knew who he was before that from context and conversations with your father, and of course, he figured out who you were quickly based on the many arguments you'd had in Hotch’s office. But that hadn't stopped you from repeatedly falling into his bed month after month, and then falling in love with him. 
Your relationship was more than the sex, but it was also a lot of sex. From the stories you'd heard, and from the look of him, you'd assumed that Spencer was a delicate little flower, an innocent in the bedroom as much as any 34 year old man could be. 
And then you'd both been offered spiked drinks at a holiday party courtesy of Penelope Garcia, and he'd proved you deliriously wrong. He'd been hooked from then on, and after waking up awkwardly in his bed the next morning to two cups of coffee and a spread of breakfast pastries he'd gone out to specifically pick up for you, you'd been hooked on him as well. 
The only problem was Hotch. 
You certainly weren't winning any daughter of the year awards already with the stunt you pulled to get on the BAU, but you didn't want to be completely and totally disowned just yet. 
“Hotch won't kill you for dating his daughter, you're right,” you mumbled back to Spencer rolling yourself back on top of him and pinning his arms down so his fingers couldn't tease you any further. 
“Thank you, now if you trust me, I've ran like four different scenarios in my head so-” 
“He'd definitely fire us both, though. And that's worse than death.”
“Y/N….” 
“Tell me I'm wrong, please. Back up your findings with empirical evidence. He doesn't want me on the team, Spencer. He doesn't even want me in the FBI. I think he'd be happy enough to ship me out of the country, too, if that helped.”
Spencer sighed and tugged your hair behind your ear as he gestured for you to sit up. 
“I know it's scary. But I love you. I don't care about the consequences because I'll still love you before and after telling him.”
“And during?” 
“I might freak out a bit, but deep down, the love will be there still.”
You hit him with a pillow and climbed off the bed. 
��Okay, get out now. I'll think about it but you really can't stay here tonight.” He nodded, grabbing his things and pulling his clothes back into place. 
“So, like we're totally done for tonight? Nothing else.”
“Spencer! Out!” You whisper-shouted the words and watched him turn your door handle as slowly as possible before he waved his goodbye and left your room. 
12 hours later, you were once again getting frustrated with Spencer Reid. And Aaron Hotchner. They may soon be enemies, but goddamn they were perfect for each other in some ways. 
“Hotch, you can't just give me nothing to do. Send me to the morgue with Rossi, or let me interview family members with Tara. I'm a member of this team, too, so let me do my job.” 
“You'll do well to remember that I'm your boss, Y/N.”
“You're acting more like my dad right now. A boss would utilize his team members.” 
You'd been stuck in this stale mate since the morning, and Reid hadn't helped at all. When giving out assignments that morning, you'd not been notably left out of crime scene investigation, suspect interrogation, and anything helpful. Reid usually asked for your assistance at times like these, but he was finally putting his money where his mouth was and keeping distance from you in the office.
So far, you'd ran coffees back and forth between the kitchen and work room and had been communicating back and forth with JJ and Derek in the field and Garcia back at Quantico. 
You'd been, for lack of better comparison, relegated to receptionist. 
“At least let me work on the geographical profile with Reid-” 
“Absolutely not.” 
You stiffened at the reaction, wondering just exactly why he would react so strongly. Spencer had snuck in a few secret kisses here and there this morning, though you'd been sure that you'd had no witnesses. 
“Why not?” 
“I don't want you to distract him.”
Bile settled in the back of your throat as you tried your best to bite your tongue and keep the bitter words in. 
“You know, sometimes, Dad, it feels like you love everyone on this team more than you love me.” 
He locked eyes with you quickly, but he glance was dismissive and stern, almost as if he was asking you ‘seriously.’ 
You turned on your heels and began to walk out before he called out from behind you again. 
“Y/N,” you stopped despite yourself. 
“Leave the gun and badge on the desk. We'll discuss this after the case is closed.”
You almost laughed. You almost blurted out your relationship with Spencer just to spite him. You followed his order and took yourself out of the office for some fresh air, finally giving him what he wanted. 
An hour of aimlessly wandering down the street, and you turned into a run-down park. 16 missed calls from Spencer and other members of the team, who'd no doubt watched you turn in your badge. 
Garcia had even called a few times, and you felt guilty for not forwarding her calls somewhere else, knowing she'd probably have key case information for someone. 
But you just couldn't handle it anymore, so you switched it off, pushed it back into your pocket, and kept walking. 
It was two more blocks before the man following you pushed a soaked rag over your mouth and nose and pushed your unconscious body into the back of a waiting van. 
×××××
Two hours of near constant complaining to Hotch had gotten Spencer nowhere in his demands to know just where you went. 
He'd called you 36 times since Hotch had told him you'd left, and he hadn't stopped freaking out since. 
“But where did she go?” 
“I sent her back to the motel.” 
“All of our cars, bar the one JJ and Morgan took to the crime scene, are outside and accounted for. The motel is a 34-minute drive away. It'll take her 5 hours on foot through our unsubs hunting grounds, and I'm not sure if you've noticed, but she matches the victim profile we just gave. Where is she?” 
A muscle in Hotch's jaw twitched, but neither of them moved, eyes locked in battle to see who would back down first.
A call from Penelope ended whatever disaster was storming between them. 
“Hotch hey, I can't get in contact with mini-Hotch, so here I am. Morgan called earlier from the crime scene. From the way they're posed, he said they could be possible stand-ins for a lost child  a daughter or a sister, so I cross checked the ownership of the vehicles that run with the tires we found prints of at the scene, and I got a name. Like one.”
“Great work, Penelope, send it over.” 
Hotch dropped the call and looked back up at Spencer, readying himself to give orders and push the issue. 
Again, their standoff was interrupted. 
“Hotch,” JJ rushed in, carrying a radio dispatcher, face white, and filled with worry. “You need to hear this.”
“Witness reported an abduction on East and 7th, patrol surveyed the scene and found a cellphone. Identifying information suggests it belongs to a Y/N Hotchner. We're bringing it into the stat-” 
Hotch stood so fast his chair almost crashed to the floor. He stood so fast that he barely had time to dodge the lunge Spencer took in his direction, fist pulled back. It would connect, given the chance  he knew it would. He'd been the one to teach Spencer to throw a punch in the first place. 
Morgan insinuated himself between the two men before, and blood could be shed, quickly pulling Spencer back as Rossi, too, rushed into the room to diffuse the situation. 
“One hour. I've been asking you for one hour where she went, and you wouldn't answer me. You made her leave her gun behind.” 
It wasn't exactly a shout, but there was something broken in his voice, as of his mouth had filled with blood and he could only spit hate at a man who'd been a mentor to him until seconds before. 
“If she's hurt- fuck, if even a hair on her head is out of place, I'll-” 
“What, Spencer? What will you do? She's my daughter. What could you do that-”
“She's my girlfriend! She's my girlfriend, she's the love of my life. God, I want to marry her, I have the ring, I have the proposal planned, all that was left was telling you and then asking her, but you've been such a dick to her about this job, and about cases, and God knows what else, that she doesn't want to say anything to you, and now you've driven her away and she's fucking gone. And she could be hurt or in danger or d-de…” 
He crumpled to the floor, Morgan still holding him as his legs gave way beneath him. 
Nobody moved for what felt like hours, still in their grief, shock, some just nervous to see what would happen next. 
“You've been in this situation before, Hotch. So have I. It's …. It hasn't ended well for us before.” 
The words were so final, so defeated that they sucked the air out of the room.
“Morgan,” Hotch started quietly, eyes still locked with Reid's, still staring down the reflection of his own despair.
“Get Garcia back on the line, I want confirmation that the vehicle that picked Y/N up is the same one that our unsub has been using to set up crime scenes. See if she can lift a name and an address. Rossi, if he's skilled enough to pick up an FBI Agent unaware, we need a SWAT team, get one on standby.”
Slowly growing in volume, he continued, as the room started moving at his signal. 
“JJ, Tara, take over where Reid left off with the geographical profile. Look at Y/N's last known location and how far a car could've gotten in the last 24 minutes.” 
He paused again, staring Reid down. 
“Reid, you're with me.” 
xxxxx
It took you a few seconds to gain a sense of your surroundings when you came to. Partially because of the drug induced migraine splitting your head, and partially because of the mess of ribbons and stuffed toys you'd woken up in. 
A change of clothes, and hands tied to what seemed to be a children's bed and you felt so grossly vulnerable your body shook with a few harsh sobs before you regained your composure and remembered your training. 
The knots on the rope holding your hands were tight. There wasn't much room to move with them pinned above your head, but you recognised them as naval knots. Your unsub had experience at sea, recreational or professional you'd yet to determine. 
Looking around again, you looked for entries and exits, wanting to know how the unsub would come in again and how you could get out. 
There were no windows, but a set of stairs leading up towards a solid door told you that you'd been locked inside a basement. A basement decorated similarly to a child's bedroom. 
Dimly lit by a mass of fairy lights, the room seemed covered head to toe in teddy bears, dolls, and children's books, a sturdy handmade doll’s house standing in the corner of the room. 
Faintly, you heard the creaking of floorboards above you before the handle of the basement door rattled and more light poured in. 
“I bought you breakfast, cupcake.” 
There was no time to feign unconsciousness again as your captor finally came into view. 
He was older than middle-aged, slightly wider around the midsection than you assumed he'd been in his youth. His hair was closely cropped and laid neatly, leading you to suspect he was former military. 
“Oh, good, you're awake. What do you want to do today, cupcake? Daddy has some time off now, I can play with you all you want.” 
You moved slowly, pushing yourself up to a seated position so you could bend your arms a bit. But you didn't look away, needing to keep him in your line of sight the entire time.
“Where am I?” You asked slowly, trying to keep your voice steady. 
“Wow, you must've had a deep sleep cupcake. You're in your bedroom, silly!”
The man's sprightly tone was disconcerting, and you could see a muscle in his forehead twitch slightly as you spoke. 
“O-of course. My mistake. Maybe I'm just still tired.”
He laid the tray on the bedside table and sat on the bed next to you. You tried your best not to shy from his touch as he stroked your hair, but every muscle in your body tensed and pulled from him reflexively. 
A quick glance to the tray and you saw the food he'd brought you was a small cup of pills and a glass of water to rinse them down with. 
If he noticed your flinch, he said nothing, grabbing a hairbrush from the nightstand and beginning to comb through your hair slowly and deliberately, taking care like one would a daughter. 
“Daddy,” you took a chance, recalling the name he'd given himself earlier. “Can we play outside today? I want to go to the park.” 
He stopped moving, and you held your breath as his smile dropped. 
“No, sweetie. You know we don't go to parks.” 
“Why not? I really want to play there, Daddy, please!”
In seconds, his hands wrapped around your throat as he pushed you back down into the bed, holding you there with his tight, suffocating grip. 
“Shut the fuck up you little slut. I said we don't go to parks, you listen. I am your father, you are not being taken by one of those sick freaks again.” 
He released you as quick as he grabbed you and stood up, pacing as he attempted to regain composure. 
“You can draw or we can have a tea party but you know we can't go out. You know that cupcake, I've told you so many times.” 
He grabbed at his hair, pulling it from its carefully styled arrangement into a mess, his fingers leaving red marks against his white skin as he pushed and pulled his head. 
He breathed deeply, and you sat up, trying to regain your composure as you watched him lose his. 
“What was her name?” You whispered, half hoping he would hear you, half praying that he'd ignore you for the sake of his fantasy. 
“W-What?” 
“Your daughter. What was her name?” 
He focused on you again, but his hands - hands that you knew could and would choke the life out of you if you did something wrong again - his hands were shaking. 
You heard the floorboards creaking upstairs and decided to push your questioning, hoping it meant what you thought it did. 
“Why are you saying it like that, ‘was?’ Is. Her name is, your name is Laura, and you're my little cupcake.” 
“What happened to her?” You filled your voice with as much sympathy and understanding as you could muster, one eye on the basement door that was being slowly pushed open. One look at Morgan at the top of the stairs had your heart rate slowing to a calmer speed. You locked eyes with him for a second, halting him, and he nodded, waiting for your signal. 
“You, you're my cupcake, you look just like… She should look just like you.” 
The man sat on the bed again, stroking a hair out of your eye as his filled with tears. 
“Fifteen years. I looked for her for fifteen years, you know. If I hadn't taken her to that park-” 
“That must have been hard.” 
He nodded as he broke down in silent sobs. 
“They said… they said she probably died a day or two after we lost her. When they found her, she was…” he rested his head on your shoulder, let him cling to you as he mourned his daughter. 
“We couldn't identify her, but she had that teddy with her. The teddy with the cupcake in its hands. She never went anywhere without it. So we…we knew.
You looked at Morgan as he slowly made his descent into the room, closely followed by JJ. 
The man looked up into your eyes again, wiping the tears from his face. 
“She was only 8.” He looked defeated, and your heart broke for him, even as you wished to get as far away from him as you could physically muster. 
Morgan pulled him up and away from you as he secured the man with handcuffs, but his eyes remained locked on you. 
JJ untied you and guided you out, but you felt his gaze bite into you ever after you'd left the basement. 
As soon as you were above ground, you let your body divest itself of adrenaline, your legs buckling as JJ tried to catch you. Another set of arms was quicker, though, and you didn't even register Spencer's arrival before burying your head in his chest and letting your sobs escape you. 
He guided you to your feet and walked you out to the ambulance, his arms protectively wrapped around you, his lips peppering kisses along your hairline and forehead, anywhere he could reach. In moments, you were bundled into the ambulance, and three gentle voices were trying to calm you, to pry you away from your comfort doll.
You wondered if you'd die like the unsubs daughter had, if they'd find you clinging to Spencer the way she had to her teddy bear.
“Y/N,” your father's deep voice was clear and smooth, the only thing that was cutting through the wretched moment of pain you were enduring. 
You remembered yourself again, relinquishing your grip on Spencer and wiping the tears from your face as you finally looked towards Aaron Hotchner. 
The paramedics took their chance and began checking your vitals, working around you in a hurry. 
“Dad, I'm sorry, I was walking and didn't notice that he was behind me, I should've been more careful-”
“Y/N, it’s okay. You're okay now.” 
You nodded as he came closer. You ignored the tears in his eyes, trying not to break down again. It had been an age since you'd last witnessed him cry, at another crime scene with another family member and another unsub. You couldn't think about how close you'd come to making him relive his worst nightmare. 
Spencer's hand was still firm in yours, and you held it like a lifeline, though you were sure your nails had to be cutting him by now. It took another moment to register that he was holding onto you just as hard, that he was unmoving, still where he was usually a series of compulsive moments, tapping, hand wringing, fists clenching and releasing. 
You glanced between the men, who had now become quiet as they surveyed you, and noticed the tension. Before you could say anything, though, the paramedics took over. 
“We're going to get you to the hospital now, Agent, one coworker can accompany you in the vehicle, preferably one with knowledge of your medical history.”
Both men immediately moved forward again, as if ready to jump into the van, before turning again to each other. 
“Shit,” you mumbled to yourself just as the buzzing in your head from the migraine grew louder. 
“Y/N, it's your choice. Who do you want to come?” Spencer said gently, his body still stiff with worry. 
“I'm her father. This isn't a question of who she likes better.”
“I have her medical records memorized, and I have more knowledge about the drugs the unsub gave her, but Y/N can choose for herself because she is a grown woman.”
You sighed and dropped the man's hand as the medics ushered you into the van fully, but the men were fully absorbed in their fight for dominance that they barely registered it. 
“JJ. JJ is coming with me,” You could see both of them turn back to you to argue, but you continued before they could. “Because I am a grown adult who knows her own medical history, and I don't need my father and my… coworker having territory wars over my wellbeing.” 
And possibly because she'd be the least awkward option to answer the questions about sexual activity and possibility of pregnancy around, but you really did not need to vocalize that. 
“Right now, I'm just a victim you've saved. Go and do your jobs and meet me at the hospital later because I am not doing overtime completing paperwork while on suspension.” 
JJ climbed up into the ambulance and the doors shut, letting you finally get a few moments peace as it began slowly making its way to whatever hospital was closest. 
“He knows, right?” You asked, covering your eyes with your hands as you braved for the answer. 
“Hotch? You could say that he figured it out.” 
“That bad?” 
“Spencer threw a punch at him. He tried to at least.” 
“What?!” Your body shot up, but the paramedic gently forced you back into a laid position, giving you a warning look to stay put as she checked your blood pressure. 
“Don't be too hard on him, Y/N. He thought he was going to lose you. They both did. I don't think either of them would survive it happening again.” 
The guilt hit you right in the chest as you nodded and dropped the conversation. 
“Maybe I should've let Spencer come with me.” 
“Why?” JJ asked, not offended bit curious. 
“Because I'm not entirely sure my father won't throw that punch back at him now he knows I'm okay. It's hard being in a relationship if one of you is dead.” 
The older woman chuckled slightly, and you settled back down, letting the car movements rock you into sleep. 
xxxxx
A few hours later and some quietly bickering voices pulled you from the rest you'd so sorely needed. Without even opening your eyes, you knew they'd both subtly scrambled to your bed to make sure you were comfortable. 
“What are you talking about?” You asked, wiping your eyes carefully as you tried to sit up, arms still aching from being tied up. 
“Oh shit-” you exclaimed after seeing your boyfriends freshly split lip. 
“Dad, what the fuck?” 
“Y/N, it's fine. It doesn't hurt.” 
“Aaron Hotchner, do you have nothing to say for yourself?” You tried to put all of tour anger into the words as you said them, bit he looked at you again with his straight face, and you crumpled under the pressure. 
“I won't…I'm not going to object. I just ask you to keep your private life separate from your work.” 
“And you're going to punch my boyfriend while I'm unconscious, so I can't defend him.” 
“I'm still your father, and he deserved it.” 
You looked back over to Spencer, who was quite notably not meeting your eyes. 
“Do I want to know?” 
“I'm leaving now. Jack will be here soon. He wants to check on you now that school is over. We told him you were hurt trying to save a sick man.” 
“Thank you, dad.” 
He nodded at you and left you alone in your hospital room with Spencer. 
“Why did you deserve it?” You whisper shouted the moment you assumed he was out of earshot. 
“The doctor came in and asked about some old bruises on your upper thighs. And ass. And chest. I had to admit they weren't sustained during the kidnapping, and Hotch wasn't pleased.” 
You huffed out a sound halfway between incredulous and a strangled moan of shame as you curcled yourself up into a ball and tried your best to die. 
“Great. Wonderful.”
“If it makes you feel any better, he thought it was signs of domestic violence and not just rough...sex.” 
“Yes, Spencer, that makes me feel entirely more comfortable with the situation.” 
Registering the sarcasm in your voice, he quieted down again, settling into the chair by your bedside and grabbing your hand. 
You sat silently together for a few minutes before either of you said anything. 
“I'm sorry. I know you didn't want him to find out.” 
“Spencer, you don't have to apologise. All things considered, this is possibly the best way he could've found out.”
“My busted lip suggests otherwise, I think.” 
“And a whole lot more would've been busted if he caught us any other time. Besides, I already lost my job, so there's not much else at stake anymore.” 
The words stung you as you said them, but you did still feel the weight of your dismissal in your chest, spreading miserably through your bones. 
“Does your head still hurt?”
“Not really, why?”
“You're not as perceptive as you usually are.”
You shot him a confused look as he smiled softly down at you, offering a nod towards the small coffee table under the window of your hospital room. 
There on your table sat your creds and your gun. The silent acknowledgement you'd been waiting for from your father. 
Spencer sat by you as you did your best to hold off the tears. He let you pretend there was something in your eye, let you wonder if your eyes had become watery because of dust from the basement. He quietly held your hand as you grinned and grinned until you pulled him in for a kiss and held him close to you. 
His lips were soft as you wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him down on top of you even as he tried to hold himself up and off you so he didn't hurt you. 
“You know,” you said, punctuating each word with another sweet kiss. “This means- that- you're- stuck- with- me.” 
He laughed into your final kiss, finally pulling back for more air, studying your face as if he were trying to memorize it. 
“That was never the issue.” 
“Oh really, and what was?”
He kissed your again, slow and deep this time, taking his time working his hands down from your hair to your neck to cup your face so you were opened up to him, letting his lips and tongue explore everything he wanted to. He pulled away eventually and instinctively your lips tried to chase his, even as he pulled out of reach. 
“Making sure you stayed by my side.” 
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yanderenightmare · 3 months
Text
Geto Suguru & Gojo Satoru
TW: NSFW, dubcon, suggestiveness, pressuring, blindfolding
fem reader
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Your boyfriend Suguru is really nonchalant when asking if you’d like to fuck his best friend, Satoru.
Obviously, you look up at him with an appalled grimace – a look of serious shock and animated disgust – before you snort out, “What kinda joke is that?”
He keeps on just as casually as before – stroking his fingers up and down your bare arm where you lie halfway against his chest, tucked close in the nook of his body. “I wouldn’t mind.” He says – blank eyes kept staring at his laptop as though he was actually paying attention to the sitcom the two of you were no longer watching.
Your grimace drops to a frown, sitting up and raising a brow at him. “You wouldn't mind if I cheated on you with your best friend?”
You ask it rhetorically, but he doesn’t take it as such. Arguing against it, “It’s not cheating if I allow it.”
It makes you go quiet, pouting now. Looking at him while trying to decipher his game. “Do you...” You approach carefully – not sure where this is all headed. “Do you want us to?”
“Why d'you ask?”
Your grimace returns at the dumb response – now looking a little pissy.
“Why me? Why’d you ask?” This is so typical of him. Suguru just loves baiting you into admitting things you don’t want to. But this time, he's got it wrong because you have no interest in Gojo. If you did, you wouldn’t be lying in bed with his friend, now would you?
“Satoru wants to fuck you.” Suguru cuts off your inner ramble, and your grimace softens again – now just looking at him in confusion.
“What makes you say that?” You ask, and he continues pretending to watch the plot thicken on screen.
Still just as casual, saying, “‘Cause he told me.”
You gape at him, and then you scoff – folding your arms against your chest with an additional huff. “The nerve on that guy, honestly.”
“So you don’t want to fuck him?” Suguru’s eyes finally slide off to glance at you, waiting for your reaction.
You return his gaze, and then you smile. "Oh, Suguru~" You hum in a sultry murmur.
Lifting the laptop, you set it aside softly on the bedside table, freeing up room on his lap for you to crawl on top.
He accepts the advance smoothly, placing his hands on your hips as you lean in to kiss him with that same smile – moaning into your mouth with a rugged shudder when your hand dives beneath the band of his sweats. 
“All I want...” You whisper while taking him in your palm, giving him a light squeeze and a gentle tug before feeling it grow fat and warm under your touch. “Is to make you happy.”
A couple of days later, you come by only for Gojo to be there as well.
You're confused at first, but Suguru acts as though it was all something the three of you had planned – and so does his white-heard friend, who’s standing by his side with a wide grin on his face – halfway hidden behind the same unnerving blindfold as always.
And you don’t know how you all wind up there...
But the three of you are in the bedroom not long after.
Suguru is sitting in an armchair just next to the bed you’re kneeling on – while Gojo kneels parallel to you.
“Uhm... I don't know about this...” You say reluctantly, folding your arms in front of your body while looking to Suguru – anything to avoid eye contact with the half-naked guy sitting before you. 
You had all stripped down to just underwear under your boyfriend’s command – but contrary to you, they'd been neither shocked, embarrassed, or uncomfortable with it.
Suguru gives you a gentle smile. “You said you wanted to make me happy.” His eyes are calm and suave, like always. “This would make me very happy.”
You look at him for a while, trying to find comfort for the anxious furl between your brows – then you glance at the other boy, but your eyes don’t even reach his before you immediately look away again – back to Suguru.
You swallow the dryness in your throat.
“I’m sorry, but... I don't understand this...” You whisper under your breath as though you wanted the conversation to be private – between just the two of you, despite the third member whose knees brushed yours. “Help me understand.”
“It’s simple.” Said third member interrupted, calling your gaze to his piercing blue one. “You’re his girlfriend, and I’m his best friend – we’re his two favorite people in the world. He just wants to see us get along…” He leans closer until his breath wafts across your face. “Can you do that?”
You dismiss his advance with a turn of your head, looking back at your boyfriend again. “Are you sure about this?”
He just gives you a secure smile in return. “I’m sure.”
And with the last reassurance, Gojo’s hands slide up your thighs, making you gasp. “You heard him.” He finalizes. And you, caught by surprise from the sudden contact, whip your head back to look at him with wide eyes only for his lips to meet yours.
You make a sound, then an additional louder one as he pushes his tongue inside along yours – quickly followed by him shuffling closer. With his hands grabbing your hips, he pulls you around his torso, making you fall back until you hit the bed flat.
You don’t know how you’re supposed to enjoy this – letting your boyfriend's best friend kiss and touch your body while he just sits still and watches the two of you in silence.
You try looking at him to see if he’s still as unshaken, but Gojo’s quick – much more aggressive than Suguru usually is. 
The wetness of Gojo's tongue playing with yours makes your head so hot – chest pounding so fast you fear it might just bleed out in your chest. But he has no mercy, wasting no time – hooking your legs up around his hips before slipping his hand between them.
You felt something snap in your mind when he fingered the hem of your panties, or maybe it was your heart skipping a beat – either way – you broke the kiss off with a shove to his chest. Panting out, “No, stop-” 
You prop yourself up and shuffle out from under his progressive touches. Breaths hitched as you wiped your mouth dry from his spit.
“I’m sorry, Suguru – I can’t do this...”
Feeling flushed, you were riddled with goosebumps from head to toe – still denying those searing bright blues you felt stare you through. Tucking your legs close to your chest, you wrapped your arms around them – waiting for any sort of consolation, any words to tell you it was okay, that it was a silly idea to begin with, that you absolutely don’t have to do anything you're not comfortable doing.
But nothing of the sort ever comes...
Instead, after a silence, your boyfriend’s hand reaches out to brush something along your leg.
You peek up – watery eyes blinking once, then twice to focus, until seeing the thing held in his hand.
“How ‘bout you wear this and pretend he’s me?” He proposes smoothly, still with a gentle smile shaping his face.
It’s Gojo’s blindfold.
“Would that make you feel better?”
You hesitate, sinking your teeth into your lip.
It takes a moment, but eventually, you give an ever so timid, “Okay...”
And again, you don’t know how the three of you get there… but not long after, you’re seated on Gojo’s lap with his fat cock nestled deep inside you, being bounced on him like a toy doll.
“Suguru~” You moan – but he's not the one who's gruffing out hot and heavy breaths against your neck while sucking fresh lovebites on top of the ones left there by your actual boyfriend a couple of days before.
“You’re real’ loyal – cryin’ out his name with my dick inside yah-” Gojo groans, squeezing your tits in both hands, tweaking your nipples until you whine out again, same name on your lips. “Aw, c’mon – won’t you cry like that fo’me too~”
Your legs are propped up on Suguru’s broad back. You can’t see him through the blindfold, but you recognize that tongue – laving at your clit with kitten licks and suckling kisses while Gojo pumps his full length inside you on every thrust.
“C’mon, you’ gon’ make me beg for it?” Gojo catches your mouth, making you share each other’s breath while sloppily feeding you his tongue. “C’mon, say my name~ it’s not that different – should roll just as easily off your tongue~”
He picks up the pace along with his pleas, punching your insides to mush – making you twist where you lie sweaty against his chest.
Hot air hits your slit with words from a tongue licking all the right nerves. “Go on, baby~ moan for him like you moan fo’me~”
It makes you shudder, feeling so hot and so awfully good – your feel a guilt telling you to deny it, but it’s simply unbearable. “Oh-fuck – Satoru~”
“Yes-yes-yes~” He chants at your ear, licking the shell of it while he slips off your blindfold to let you watch Suguru lick your clit like a puppy – his own cock kept lonely between his legs, leaking out onto the sheets – edged and red from the toll of it.
The sight makes you feel some type of way.
“Oh fuck – don't squeeze so tight, I’m gonna cum-” Gojo whines, holding you tighter while sinking in deep.
“Ew, no – pull out, pull out-” You protest, shaking your head while trying to wiggle out of the tight hug he's got you trapped in. 
“No – I'll clean it out-” Comes an additional plea from beneath you. Suguru kisses the belly bulge made by Gojo’s fat cock, then licks a strip from the weight of his balls up to where he has your hole stretched around his girth, mouthing at it in moans while his nose rubs your clit. “Please, princess, let him cum inside~”
Both you and Gojo swallow thickly, panting in unison.
“How can you say no to that?” He asks against your ear.
Your thighs shake while you whine, “Ugh~ fine – but someone’s buying a pill.”
Suguru only hums, laying his tongue flat against your clit again, knowing exactly what to do to time your orgasm with the flood of cum that soon splurged your insides with creamy white.
Gojo grunts with the release, and you quake, milking it out of him until he winces from the overstimulation – sloshing out while heaving for air.
You sigh, but before you can come all the way down, Suguru’s filling the vacancy with himself – making you suck it up again as he bullies his way inside in a series of quick-timed pumps before he's filling you up with his own thick mess.
He takes your face and kisses you despite you both being too breathless to sustain it for long, left to huff short puffs of air on one another’s wet lips.
He rests his forehead on yours until your pussy’s squeezed him free of the last drop, then swallows thickly.
There's a grating chuckle. “Don’t know if a pill’s gonna help...”
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artytaeh · 7 days
Text
. . . this is a silly thought, but indulge me!
( i might write more elaborated headcanons about it, though. let's see, let's see. 🌷 )
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thinking about reader having kids with mattheo or theodore. and despite these two being so similar in some things, they'd be the opposite on this:
because there's a vital part of your baby growing up, where they start babbling, threatening to say their first word. the silent expectation to see which of you the baby will call for first— their mama, or their papa.
⋯ ⋯ ﹒ 🪻 ’
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THEODORE NOTT is a mama's boy; even at his adult stage, having left hogwarts with you and putting a ring on your finger, it's inevitable that theo's mother always had, always will have such a special place in his heart.
theo looks at you, looks at the baby created from the strong love you feel for each other— and his heart aches, somewhat bittersweetly, as theodore imagines his mother there with his little family; making the scenario even more perfect on his eyes. theo constantly thinks about how much his mother would absolutely adore you, and be the best grandmother possible for your baby.
so, being a mama's boy— and seeing the tenderness you have for your child as a parallel of the unconditional love that theo's mother had for him...
... theodore nott isn't competitive for the first time on his life, because truly, theo wants your child to call out for you first.
not because he's uninterested or doesn't care for your child! no, it's the opposite— theo loves you both so, so much, that his heart feels like bursting from so much love, so much tenderness and happiness. it's just that you deserve it more!
both of you made the child, of course; a human being isn't made alone. yet, as much as theo supported you as much as he could— it was you whose body developed this little human that theo adores so much. you went through all those morning sickness, all of those cravings and body changes; it was you who spent hours in labor to bring that child to the world— it was you who fed them on their first weeks of life.
so, seriously, with all his heart: theo felt like it was only fair for this little human of yours to call for his beloved wife first.
and he even makes sure that such a thing happens!
on a sunny day, you'd find theodore sat on the garden; during these first months of this little human's life, it was a joint decision to spend them in theo's childhood house— where he grew up with his mother, on these beautiful grounds of italy.
sat with his back against a tree, theo uses his knees to support the baby's back, as the little human giggles and trashes both chubby arms and legs, amused by the tenderness of their father; theodore nott. he makes sure that the baby has their beautiful eyes looking at him— pronouncing the syllables with patience.
'ma-ma. mama. maaaaaa... ma.' he'd say, slowly for the baby, exaggerating the movement of his mouth, so that in a way, it would be easier for them to imitate.
it didn't matter how long it took for the baby to properly say those two simply syllables— theo would keep mouthing 'mama' over and over again, carrying the baby on his arms, to then point at you: with a cheeky smile (proud to be the father of this little human, whose also your child. you're their mother. and his wife.), theo gestures to the baby.
'mama. that's your mama; the woman i love the most. ever since i saw your maaaa-ma, i knew that she would be la mia futura sposa.'
⋯ ⋯ ﹒ 🪻 ’
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MATTHEO RIDDLE, on the other hand, doesn't know how to lose; unless his loss brings some sort of benefit to him, obviously.
however this time... no, there wasn't much of a benefit, of a reward to let you win this time. it was a question of honor, of duty! to get this child of yours to call for mattheo first. (as silly as it is, mattheo needs a way to subconsciously assure himself, that he'll be a better father than his. that he'll offer support and unconditional love to this baby— not fear, resentment, and vicious bad habits to deal with the damage.)
and despite this tiny human being days, weeks or few months old— that doesn't really matter to mattheo, because he'd sooner than later teach your child about this corrupted world you live in. that this society, the human beings are nothing but weak meat, meant to fall into temptation, to indulge corruption and...!
long story short: mattheo tries to bribe the tiny human into loving him more.
and mattheo riddle is a creative man, you see; bribe is not just made with money, no, no. bribe comes in various ways:
demanding to be the one to mostly change the baby's diapers, so that mattheo could have more time alone with them, to manipulate that little brain to find it easier to babble the letter 'p' instead of 'm'— and one day, he might oh-so-dramatically say that he was the one to bear with the smell, who had to do the dirty work of changing diapers! because this being said, he deserves more acknowledgement, seriously!
encouraging this tiny human to talk. and when i say encouraging, i mean that mattheo indulges all those gibberish as if they were proper words, ones that mattheo assures to understand, and so mattheo and the tiny human engage a serious conversation. when the baby is quiet (which is rare), mattheo disturbs the peace and quiet, so that he can trick the tiny human into saying that simple, easy word. 'paaaaaa.... paaaa... papa. paaaa! pa!' he sing-songs.
by playing so much with the baby, be it with the amount of toys they have on their nursery, or by tickling, making sounds, already teaching the tiny human how to throw punches (just like his father! 🎀)— mattheo believes that he's associating himself to the feeling of having fun. so if not him, who else would they call for?! (you. because you're the most amazing mother, and mattheo knows that; he tells you that every night, so proud of this beloved family of his.)
another silly thing he does is pronouncing the word 'papa' really slowly, mouthing with such a dramatic and exaggerated movements, that it always makes you laugh when you testify it. however, when mattheo points at you, he says the word 'mama' in a faster way, purposefully making it sound very confusing for the little human on his arms.
and when you caught mattheo doing all of these things, so that he gets to be called by this baby of yours first— well, mattheo is already expecting a lighthearted slap on the nape of his neck, but oh well, the punishment and the effort are worth the prize.
⋯ ⋯ ﹒ 🪻’
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🪻 ; . . . fandom : harry potter.
— i'm on a huge slytherin boys brainrot. no, seriously, i have so many drafts about headcanons and drabbles about them; the comments and reposts of theo's drabble melted me into a puddle, i swear. :( tysm!
the headers + gifs + icons aren't mine. credits to the respective creators ! 🌷
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inkskinned · 11 months
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one of the things that's so frustrating is how often the arguments against us are actually happening to us. we said - you need to watch out, this will evolve into allowing fascism into legal statute. and we were told: you're a sensitive snowflake. you're annoying and stupid and have no concept of reality. nobody really believes that stuff.
but it's indoctrination for kids to even see queer people. it's grooming for kids to even be around queer people. it's disgusting to even put rainbows on kids clothes. it's inappropriate, shameful, still-an-argument. like any of this is new - we know already. for you, even seeing someone unashamed is the same thing as "forcing" it onto you. because god-forbid you confront any internal thought you have. because god-forbid you practice empathy. rage is better, i guess. it keeps you pretty.
this has always been the way of some people - a while ago, it would have been "sinful" for my white mom to marry my hispanic dad. once, in the year of our lord 2015, someone told me that "mutts" deserve a woodchipper. that one particular insult stayed with me - not because it was the first or last, but because there was something so unbelievably violent about it that i couldn't figure out how to hold it. the idea that someone is so assured of their bigotry and rage that they would paint this kind of a picture. even jokingly, even with the anonymity of the internet, it kind of centered things for me. a sense that, for some people, their rage burned so unimaginably large that it blocked even the basic fact of my humanity.
at one point, while i still had enough fire in me to get into long arguments, one of the bigots i was "debating" (being harassed by) said: to be honest, it's about the sex, not the love. between you, me, and the four walls of this blue hellsite, i actually didn't really care for "love is love" as the slogan of our community. it seemed so placid, so gentle, so ally-focused. where was the vitriol? where was the hours i spent agonizing over myself? where was the quiet moments of my life, filled with the sound of other people's hatred? this static that settles over everything; even for the action of holding her hand.
the world is unfair. i am an adult, and without the veneer and small-pond syndrome of my teenage years, the slogan has started sounding more desperate. the more places i went, the more people i met. love is love. love is defending him on a rooftop bar. the drink she throws at me goes down into my shoes while i stand there, wishing i had a better retort than what the fuck. love is both of us, keeping our heads down, the black SUV full of frat boys (?) pulled up next to us, howling, for five whole blocks, until we both gave up and had to stick our bare legs into the thicket by the side of the road, giving over into tick country rather than let it go on any longer. love is a lazy spring afternoon, my hand on her belly, the fan spinning overhead. did you hear the whole thing about target?
did you hear about being the target? that's a fun little parallel, isn't it. it almost feels like the game that-is-about-me is being played without-my-participation. someone wants to set fire to my life, and i have to wait for a response from a capitalist institution. i am watching a tiktok where a white woman under white lights complains about adult swimsuits, even though i think a lot of people would benefit from having swimming options that are not "instagram-inspired bikini" or "impossible to move in but otherwise pretty".
sometimes it just seems so fucking stupid. like, just to check, the rage you feel and the hatred - you could really just avoid all of that by minding your fucking business. sometimes (and this is true): it's not about you, and people don't need your permission. like, i don't understand any obsession with sports, but it seems to make other people happy. american football literally results in grievous bodily injury - and yet there are onesies for babies that say future quarterback. i personally don't love it, so i just don't buy that stuff. i walk by it, and don't let it bother me. there have been so, so, so many times that i was told - "so what if he's a little bit homophobic, if you don't like him, don't watch his movies." "so what if they fired her. don't buy their product." "so what if they wouldn't make a rainbow cake. just don't support them."
sometimes i feel the meaning of it scud against my body, an orca whale inside of me, threatening the boat. it is too large to see from my place; this shadow of a thing that dwarfs my petty other-concerns. i need to find a dress for an event, and florida is passing more anti-gay legislation. i need to text my friend back and confirm our plans, and someone is throwing beer bottles to the floor in a walmart because a different case had rainbows on them. it is a long fall, if i look down into it; this sense like the bottom doesn't exist. like i have only ever dipped my toes in.
sometimes i am unbelievably tired of talking about it. it feels like it has become too trite in my own poetry - queer writer complains about the state of the world! how original! - and then something else happens, and i am here again. i remember that it isn't a moment. i remember it isn't a scattered population of cartoon evil-doers, intent on world domination from behind handlebar mustaches. it is a concerted effort of real people with real power who really-do want to see my end. it is a lifetime of dodging the beercan as it sails out of the back of the van. it is a lifetime of not-kissing once we leave the apartment. it is a lifetime of watching someone protest our existence and then, very slowly, giving them the finger. it is a lifetime of holding my friends' hands and hearing the same agony in their life that i lived through. it is us, together, our faces turned upwards, the night sky so vast, milky way overhead like a lacework zipper.
it is a lifetime of staring down woodchippers.
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