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#paranoia

(Or, From Star to Star)

Summary: (Written for the Quarantine Bake-Off Playwriting Competition.) Cameron has the unfortunate graveyard shift, watching out for a shipment. Alex has made camp in the outdoor goods section.

Genre: One Act, Drama, Comedic Tone, Pseudomusical

Characters: Cameron, Alex, Abby, Mr. Michaels

Warnings: Mass hysteria mention, pandemic imagery, language.

Rated: K+ for pandemic imagery and language.

Word Count: 3196

Status: Complete but kinda rough tbh

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Right, this post will be about me discussing my mental problems

So, I don’t have depression, I never claim to have been diagnosed with clinical depression because I haven’t. It’s just, sometimes I feel so low, and sad, and depressed that I can’t shake myself out of it. I’d say I’m more of a realist than a pessimist, however others would disagree.

I use comedy and self deprecation as a coping mechanism, I try not to become too close to people for fear of rejection, anytime I send a text that seems vulnerable I immediately regret it because my first thought is what if they use that against me? Past trauma with blackmail has made me quite paranoid.

I’d say I have more social anxiety than general anxiety, it’s not general because I only get anxious over school stuff, which is normal. I think I have social anxiety because sometimes it gets so bad that when I walk into a room my heart rate increase, I can start sweating, I feel faint, or sick. And that ain’t normal.

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Is it just me, or is it fucking frustrating when people who used to think you’re a crazy “paranoid hypochondriac” are now criticizing some things you do and that you may not be doing enough to stay safe from this fucking virus.

This whole fucking situation is taking a huge toll on us mentally, I feel like I’m forced to push my extreme behaviour to the limit and taunted by people who are just now getting a taste of what a lot of us had to deal with frequently before this covid-19 shit.

If someone is already struggling with a mental illness, they don’t fucking need you to tell them they are not even good at being mentally ill.

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I was literally having a awful mental health meltdown before all this and I left uni because of it because I needed to get help and sort myself out because I was losing my grip on reality but …,now THE WORLDS ENDING ??? I already had fears of impending doom which I’ve had YEARS of therapy to help combat and now it’s all basically been wiped away because now the future is so bleak and scary again and I have all those paranoid thoughts again!!!!!! It’s disgusting!!! And now we’re not allowed to leave our house? So I can’t go to my doctor for my weekly help, no emergency appointments because the nhs are strained enough, no psychiatrist help, i can’t go get piercings for the pain and the distraction, I can’t go for a mindless walk and sit in the park and cry, I can’t see my friends and get drunk to distract myself from my rotting mind.

So I get drunk at home, alone. And it’s so so alone. Makes my suicidal thoughts so much WORSE. How are other mentally ill folk dealing with this? Please, i don’t think I can do this. And I feel like such a disappointment to my family. And I feel selfish because I know people are dying from this and that’s what makes me anxious too because it’s so horrendous. You turn on the news and I just get so triggered by it all. My family could die at any moment and I’m kept up at night by my intrusive thoughts . My brain telling me my family is going to die. I have to touch something wooden to make sure that doesn’t happen. And it’s really affecting me. I don’t know what to do, or if there’s even anything to do? It’s like we’re all stuck in limbo but I’m stuck with my mental illness flaring up at its worst :))))

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Isolamento.

Io sinceramente ho paura. Ho paura di chiudermi di nuovo in me stessa, di rintanarmi ancora di più nel mio mondo.

Ho paura di pensare troppo spesso, troppo forte, troppo velocemente e di perdermi, la mia mente vaga e i miei pensieri sono così frenetici che non riesco a fermarli.

Ho paura che questa solitudine si trasformi in apatia e che niente possa sembrare più reale, di perdere il senno e di scoprire cose di me che neanche io conosco.

Ho paura di spogliare la mia anima dalla mia corazza davanti a me stessa, perché sarei costretta ad osservarmi, non potrei evitare tutte le mie insicurezze e le mie fragilità e ho paura perché capirei che non mi rende immune alla sofferenza.

Ho paura che quando torneremo in strada mi renderò conto di essermi smarrita, di aver perso tutto quello che ero riuscita a costruire con fatica.

Ho paura perché se perderò anche quelle poche sicurezze e quel pizzico di coraggio che ero riuscita a darmi dovrò ricominciare tutto da capo e non mi va.

Ho paura che una volta ripresi i rapporti con gli altri mi farò il triplo delle paranoie e mi chiederò un'altra volta se ho qualcosa che non va.

Ho paura perché si, mi sto rendendo conto di quanto il mondo sia meraviglioso, ma di quanto noi in realtà siamo così piccoli ed insignificanti di fronte ad esso.

Ho paura di non riuscirmi più a ritrovare , ma non ho via di fuga.

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