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#parenting is not worth it. it's miserable and it's the biggest mistake of my life
nanistar · 2 years
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it manifests in more ways than just profound sadness.
any negative comments about sparkpelt or people suffering from ppd will result in a block.
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thefanficmonster · 3 years
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Corpse Infested
Corpse Husband & Reader (Gender Neutral)
Warnings: Mentions of dysfunctional family, Family problems, Swearing
Genre: Humor, Comfort, Platonic fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic)
Summary: When your friend disappears for a long time, seemingly having lost interest in what fueled the most passionate fire in their life, you cannot not worry about them. Even if you wanna give them space, you will reach out, you will offer your help. You will tell them they always have you to rely on and talk to.
Requested by Anon. Hi dear! I’m really sorry it’s taken me so long to complete and post your request, but here it finally is! Hope you come across it and if you do I hope you enjoy the read! Love, Vy ❤
For me, it’s never hard to find things to do. I’ve constantly got things on my mind and tasks to tend to, keeping me occupied and my mind focused at all times. I think that comes with living in a home as dysfunctional as this one. I honestly can’t recall a time when my parents got along nor can I think of a time where there was at least one second of peace while the two are both present in the house. It’s always a warzone up there. I’m saying up there because I tend to live out of the basement of their home. I know living in your parents’ basement is considered a peak loser point, or the bottom of the bottom, but you’d have to believe me when I say - I wasn’t always like this. In fact, I only recently came back to this hell-hole and boy do I regret it. I mean, it was a decision forced upon me by circumstances. Trust me, I tried every other option there was. When my dorm was to be closed down and demolished, we were given a notice to start planning our next move about a month early. You can bet I immediately started looking at places but my very tragic and miserable budget didn’t allow such a purchase. No rent was adequate for me and my near-empty wallet so my second option was moving in with my best friend who was also not in the greatest of situations but I thought I’d give that a shot too.
Spoiler alert: it didn’t work out. She lived in a tiny apartment with her boyfriend and his best friend at the time, so four people in one apartment was a nightmare. Still a lesser nightmare than this one but a nightmare nonetheless. Some unwanted and downright traumatizing events chased me out of that place after barely managing to pack my stuff. Therefore, finding myself on the streets again, I had no other option other than the obvious and least liked one: moving back in with my parents.
Making money during my first year of college hasn’t been easy. Working two jobs at once and also streaming video games on the side was what my time was filled with all throughout the first semester but then this damn pandemic started and now ruined everything for me. I had things going for me, I was slowly getting my life together and now it has all fallen apart yet again. The places I worked at closed down due to quarantine and I haven’t been able to steam, not only cause I’d be the victim of my parents’ comments but also cause my terrible home life would be exposed to all my fans and viewers. It’s not like I could cancel out the commotion going on right above my head, it’s a livestream and this house’s walls are cardboard thin meaning all the arguing I hear almost 24/7 will serve as background noise for my streams.
I haven’t reached out to my friends or fans to inform them of this which I feel slightly guilty about but I’m really not looking forward to having to lie to them, just as much as I’m not looking forward to having to tell them the truth so instead I’ve picked silence which is probably either worrying them or driving them insane. Either way, I’ll make my comeback soon.
Well....not very soon by the looks of it...
I have to gather the money, then I have to find a place, then comes the packing, moving out of here, moving into the new place...oh God, there’s so much to it that I don’t even wanna think about. Just that thought that I’ll be inactive for that long makes my stomach turn. Streaming’s where I’ve been channeling all my negative emotions, turning them into something positive and entertaining with the help of my friends.
Speaking of my friends, I should probably put emphasis on how amazing they are. Basically the older siblings I’ve always wished I had. I’m the baby of the group, the eighteen year old freshman in college, powering through life the best they can cause they are constantly getting tripped up by inconvenient occurrences such as this one for example. I tend to have the gang poke fun at me quite frequently - all lighthearted and with good intentions obviously - but they are also the ones to get super defensive if anyone gets the balls to talk shit about me. They’d never allow me to be the victim of any smack talk or online rumors and ‘cancel culture’ or whatever the hell people will come up with to leave others restless and wondering if they did something shady a decade ago. Well, to be fair, I didn’t even know about the concept of social media a decade ago and I’ve never been one to post much but I still have a protection squad in case anyone decides to come after me.
Little do they know the people I need protecting from are the very people that are supposed to protect me - my parents. Luckily, they don’t venture into to basement very often if at all and I have my own exit to the outside world so I don’t have to run into them unless I absolutely have to. The only time I emerge to the surface of the house - aka the ground floor - I do so to leave my share of rent money on the dining table and I usually do it when they aren’t home or when they’re asleep - that happens often with how many bottles they each knock back on the daily.
*sigh*...at least I don’t have to talk to them, right?
Anyhow, remember how I mentioned I always have things to do? Well, right now I’ve tasked myself with rifling through the large boxes containing random stuff I found in one of the basements down here to see if there’s anything I could possibly sell online. For starters, I’d like to hope there aren’t any severed body parts in here because this was one shady-ass basement before I moved in and un-creeped it a bit so I wouldn’t have to become an insomniac due to the paranoia of there being a homeless person down here with me or some paranormal entity. Regardless, old basements tend to be, apart from haunted, also filled with junk no one would find valuable despite it actually being worth something after all. That’s basically what I’m hoping to find at the moment.
As I dig through the contents of the first box, the YouTube playlist I have put on on my phone cuts off causing me to furrow my brows in confusion for a second before my ringtone pierces the silence the lack of music created.
I quickly mute the ringing and take a look at the Caller ID to see a name I never thought would pop up on my screen as an incoming call - Corpse. I, as well as many of our friends, know that he’s not the biggest fan of talking to people on the phone so this is rather surprising. Still, I pick up the call in case it’s not a mistake and an odd chance that it’s somethin urgent cause Lord knows Corpse doesn’t call people willy-nilly. 
Thank God it’s quiet up there at the moment.
“Hello?“ I try my best to cover up the confusion in my voice but I can only assume I didn’t do the best job considering Corpse replies with a slightly awkward chuckle.
“Surprised you, didn’t I?“ He asks, getting my cheeks to redden a bit, “You can’t blame a guy for calling after up and disappearing on him and on the whole internet. Where’ve you been?“
I open my mouth to respond when I hear the sound of glass breaking a shouted curse from upstairs.
Oh for fuck’s sake!
“Um...you know, places?“ I’m aware the answer isn’t only nonsensical but also sounds more like a question, but I can hardly focus on that right now. I’m too buys praying to an entity I don’t fully believe in for the situation above to not escalate.
“Uh, is everything ok over there? Where even are you right now?“ The teasing tone to his voice is all but gone at this point, replaced with deep concern, having obviously heard the commotion that did the exact opposite of what I prayed for - escalated.
“Y-yeah, it’s ok. It’s just another Thursday, you know.“ I attempt a small laugh but it’s blatantly miserable, “I moved back in with my parents when they announced the quarantine so that’s where I’m at now. They’re not the quietest of folks as you can tell so...“
“I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! I HOPE YOU DIE“
Oh crap, here we go.
“...So I can’t really stream a lot...or at all.“ I mutter, cringing with all my might, “But it’s only temporary! I’ll get back in the saddle as soon as I find another place to stay.“ I don’t dare mention how long that’s gonna take me, it’ll be too disappointing and depressing for the both of us. “So yeah...um...thanks for showing concern but there’s really nothing to worry about. I’m ok, everything’s ok, things are just...a bit off the rails, but I’ll fix em no problem. Like I always do!“ I attempt to sound as cheerful as possible with little success due to the overwhelming anger I feel towards those people upstairs and the gut-wrenching nostalgia for the world of streaming I can no longer be a part of because of them. Actually, I put the blame first on the pandemic and second on my parents - if it wasn’t for Covid I’d probably still be in my dorm!
“Hey...um, I think I know an affordable place where you can take up residence. Only if you want to, of course.“ He sounds hesitant but I easily overlook that as excitement bursts throughout my entire being at the sound if an escape being offered to me just like that. Had I known I’d find the solution to my problem in the very people I spent time avoiding because I was afraid of their pity, sympathy and judgement.
“Oh please, it could be a rat and roach infested shoe box and I’d go running to it. How much is rent?“ I ask through a gasp of hurried laughter that’s a result of my inability to contain said excitement. Listen, I’ve been sitting here in Hellsburg for three months now and haven’t gotten a proper shuteye during that whole period, whatever Corpse is offering has to be better than this misery.
“Rent can be discussed once you move in...“ He trails off, “And it’s not rat nor roach infested but there’s a slight issue...“
“Which is?“ I’m honestly expecting the worst: in a bad neighborhood; faulty wiring with a high chance of being electrocuted; faulty piping with a high chance of flooding; people have died there; things get randomly moved around in the middle of the night etc. However, I don’t voice any of them to avoid getting laughed at for my wild imagination.
“Well, uh, it’s corpse infested.“ He says a little awkwardly, causing me to let out an inaudible sigh.
So my ‘people have died there’ guess was on point, huh?
“People have died there, huh? Well, I can turn a blind eye to that as long as I don’t find their bodies in the closet or meet their spirits at 3AM.“ I attempt to joke, now second-guessing my eagerness to accept the offer.
Corpse bursts out laughing his ass off at my statement, getting me to furrow my eyebrows in confusion and wonder what I said was so funny - it was a poor attempt at a joke, it in no way deserves that sort of reaction, barely a chuckle in my opinion.
“You’re golden, Y/N, I swear.“ He says once he forces the laughter to subside, “I meant corpse infested as in Corpse Husband infested.“ He breaks out in another fit as my brain slowly starts connecting the dots.
Oooohh he’s asking me to go live with him
“Wait. Wait, wait, wait, hold up for a sec. Are you aware of what you’re offering me? I mean, we’ve never met IRL, you barely know me and....and for all you know I could be the serial killer in this situation!“ I have no idea why I’m pushing my luck, don’t ask. I just don’t want him to make a decision he’ll later regret, I guess. “Like, I could kill you in your sleep!“
“Would you?“ He asks confidently, silently stating he already knows the answer.
I roll my eyes, “Of course not! But...” He cuts me off.
“Great, the offer stands on my end. I’m not a noisy nor nosey roommate so I suggest you start packing. If you choose to live in that hell-hole over living with me, I’m sorry but I’ll be hella offended, just so you know.“
Corpse sounds like he’s about to hang up on me, a decision already made, so I hurry to stop him. “Wait! What about rent?”
“Fuck the rent, pack your bags.“ And just like that, despite my efforts, he hangs up on me.
Well...this is a chance of a lifetime that I know refusing would lead me to not only remain stuck here but also put me in the hugest loser bin. There’s also the fear of being Corpse’s burden which I’ll try my best not to be - I mean, I’m a super independent person and Lord knows that if this offer came any other time or from any other person, I would’ve declined asap, no discussion.
But streaming
But sleeping properly
But having a normal life again
Yeah those are most certainly the reasons I get up and go into the closet in search on my emptied suitcase. Time to fill it up again, I guess. This time with a smile on my face and excitement fueling each and every movement of mine.
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tomhollandstrash · 3 years
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Chasing Stars part 2
This is a part two to Chasing Stars. You can find the first part here! 
--
You sighed as you sat on the couch in your apartment. Your fingers absentmindedly dancing along the rim of your mug, the tea inside of it having gone cold a while ago. You couldn’t believe that Tom was getting married to someone who wasn’t you. It broke your heart but there wasn’t anything either one of you could do about it. The fact that there was nothing that could be done to keep the two of you together almost hurt more than the fact that you likely wouldn’t see each other again. A life without Tom wasn’t one that you were particularly keen on. It’s not that you didn’t feel like you were dependent on him for your happiness, but he just added so much warmth and love to your life. Would you be able to find that with another person? That wasn’t even a thought you wanted to entertain at the moment. Tom was your person, he was without a doubt, the one. The one you wanted to marry, the one you wanted to start a family with, the one you wanted to declare your love for over and over again until the day you died.
You vowed not to turn on the TV or to go on social media today or for the next week. The whole country was celebrating today. Celebrating their precious prince’s wedding day, and the media would be covering the festivities on every channel. When you’d gone on Twitter earlier, you already saw people speculating about potential baby names. The thought of that made you absolutely sick. The universe really did have a way of playing cruel jokes on you. You couldn’t help but wonder how things could have been different if you were born into royalty, or if Tom were just a normal guy. Would there have been a happy ending for the two of you? What were the odds that the two of you were just destined to fail?
Placing your cold mug of tea on the table in front of you, you spread out on the couch and pulled a nearby blanket up to your chin. You grabbed the remote and turned on your favorite movie as though it could distract you from the deep aching of your heart. As you tried to watch the movie, you felt your eyelids growing heavier. Maybe you could use this time to catch up on sleep, after saying goodbye to Tom, sleep had been hard to come by. 
--
Tom looked at the clock on the wall and grimaced. 10:53am. In a little over an hour, Tom would be a married man. He hated the thought of getting married to someone he wasn’t in love with. Sure, she was a perfectly nice woman. Intelligent, compassionate, and beautiful. A perfect combination for a perfect prince. In theory, she was an ideal match for Tom. Try as he might to accept the fact that she was to become his wife, he couldn’t get his mind off of you. You were everything to him. When Tom thought of his wedding day, he never thought that instead of being excited he would be filled with dread. 
He couldn’t stop thinking about the way you looked at him when he left your apartment that morning. Your eyes were filled with love, disappointment, and tears. Tom could tell that your heart was breaking just as much as his was. 
“You okay, Tom?” Harrison nudged his friend gently. 
“Yeah,” Tom replied, running a hand through his hair. “Never better, everything is just fantastic,”
Harrison frowned at his friend’s response and sat on the couch, meeting Tom’s eyes in the mirror. 
“Mate, you don’t have to do this,” He said and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. 
Tom’s hands dropped from their place on his tie before he turned around to face Harrison. 
“But I do,” Tom and Harrison’s frowns grew deeper as a thick silence fell over the room. 
It was a hard truth for Tom to accept. What could he do? Sure, in a different world he might be able to run away with you and never look back. In this world, he had a duty to his country and his parents; and sadly, that duty included leaving you behind. The more Tom thought about spending the rest of his life without you, the more he could feel himself getting sick. You have always been there for him. All the late night and early morning meetings were something he would especially miss. Your gentle fingers carding through his soft curls, the sound of your heartbeat when the two of you fell asleep together, and the sweet declarations of love were things he would never experience again. Sure, he could try to fall in love with his wife to be, but he didn’t want to. Tom wanted you.
“Fuck,” Tom groaned, falling into a crouching position with his head in his hands. “I don’t know if I can do this. I know I have to, but I just... can’t,”
Harrison walked closer to his friend before leaning down and placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.
“I know you think you’re disappointing everyone if you don’t go through with it, but sometimes you need to do what’s best for Tom. You’ve spent your whole life trying to keep everyone happy, always doing what was expected of you, even when it was at the expense of your happiness. As your best friend, I don’t want to see you spend the rest of your life being miserable,”
“You always did have a speech at the ready whenever you needed one,” Tom looked up at Harrison and chuckled lightly.
“What are best friends for?”
--
The historic chapel was filled with guests milling about dressed in extravagant clothing. There was a buzz of excitement in the air as foreign dignitaries, local diplomats, family, friends, and the most loyal of subjects waited for the wedding to begin. No expense was spared for the wedding. The chapel was decorated with stunning floral arrangements, complete with
Meanwhile, Tom could feel his throat getting tighter as each moment passed. He convinced himself that the way he was feeling could be attributed to the fact that he was about to get married. Everyone gets cold feet when they get married, right? 
Tom couldn’t shake the feeling that he was possibly making the biggest mistake of his life. 
Three knocks on your door woke you up from your much needed rest. You rubbed your eyes and looked at the clock on the wall. It was 1pm, Tom was now a married man. You frowned before you sat up and glared at the door. Who could it be? And didn’t they know that you were planning on spending the foreseeable future on the couch moping? With a sigh, you pushed yourself off of the couch and wrapped your sweatshirt around yourself. You looked about as good as you felt.
“What do you want?” You asked, not even bothering to look at whoever dared disturb your nap.
When they didn’t respond, you finally looked up at them and almost fell over.
There Tom stood in the doorway of your small apartment still wearing his fancy suit. You rubbed your eyes and blinked a few times, worried that he would be gone when you opened them again. Why was he here? It wasn’t that you weren’t happy to see him, but you thought the two of you agreed to limit your contact after the wedding. The wedding was today, wasn’t it? Why wasn’t he with his family and his new wife?
“Tom?” You asked, somewhat cautiously.
“Hi, Y/N,” Tom looked at you with a soft smile, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck. “I’m sorry to just show up like this,”
“No worries, come in,” You said, still slightly dazed as you stepped aside to let him into your home. You silently cursed yourself for the pile of cookie and candy wrappers that littered the sofa.
Tom stepped inside your apartment and the two of you fell into a slightly awkward silence.
“So, not that I’m not happy to see you, but what are you doing here?” You rubbed your arm as you looked at him through your lashes.
“Well,” He said as he played with his fingers, something he always did when he was nervous. “I.. uh... I couldn’t do it,”
“...Couldn’t do what?” You asked, genuinely confused.
“Get married to someone who isn’t you,” Tom confessed. “I just, I thought I could go through with it, but I couldn’t. You’re everything to me, Y/N. If I’m going to get married to someone, I want that someone to be you,”
Tom’s confession didn’t necessarily surprise you, you always thought the two of you would get married too, but it did make you deeply emotional. You couldn’t help but let a couple of tears slip out of the corners of your eyes.
“But what about your family?” You asked, wiping the corners of your eyes.
“I honestly don’t know. I think they’ll understand,” Tom took a step closer to you and cupped your face in his warm hands. “Even if they don’t, getting to be with you would make everything worth it,”
You’d be lying if you said you didn’t think about this moment happening. There was a part of you that really thought Tom would come back for you, but now that it was happening, you were sure it was too good to be true. What if this was just a random impulse decision and he would just end up leaving you all over again? That was something you didn’t think your heart could take. Having to go through one breakup with him was more than enough heartbreak.
“Tom, please tell me that you’re being serious. I don’t think I can take it if you’re not,” You looked into his eyes and frowned slightly.
“I promise I’m serious. In fact, I’m so serious about you that I’m prepared to do this,” Tom stepped away from you before getting down on one knee.
Your breath caught in your throat. Was Tom really proposing to you? This was something you could only dream of. Ever since Tom told you he was betrothed to someone else, you’d buried your dreams of marrying him deep within yourself. You could burst from nerves. Seeing Tom get down on one knee was a sight you never thought you’d get to see in real life. It was all happening so fast. You loved this man with all of your heart and had no doubts that he felt the same way about you.
“Y/N Y/L/N, will you marry me?” Tom beamed at you, the love practically radiating off of his body. “I know it’s sudden but I love you more than I can express in words, and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you,”
“Of course I’ll marry you, you stupid prince,” You smiled as you wiped the happy tears from your face.
You wrapped your arms around Tom as tight as you possibly could, hoping it would keep you from losing him again. The two of you were grinning at one another so wide you were afraid your lips might split.
“I love you so much, darling. I’m never letting you go,” Tom kissed your forehead, your nose, and finally your lips.
Your relationship with Tom was far from perfect, but moments like this reminded you both of how much you really needed and loved each other. 
--
Okay, I think that’s it lmao. It’s taken me a long time to get this up, life just decided to get stupid busy. I finally bought a new desk top computer, so fingers crossed that I can find the motivation to do more writing. 
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freddyjoncs · 3 years
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fox e. jones — ❝  Nobody move, there's blood on the floor and I can't find my heart ❞
full name: fox everett jones
city of birth: manhattan, new york.
date of birth: august 25.
zodiac sign: virgo
parents: fred and daphne jones
siblings: january jones
sexuality: bisexual
nicknames: n/a
face claim: manu rios ( voice: ryan philippe )
personality.
+, natural-born leader, calculating, collected -, cruel, arrogant, self-loathing
the bio below touches on many triggering topics. reader discretion is advised. *
background information.
fox jones is the perfect mix of foolish daydreams starring bad boys with twisted smiles and wicked laughs and old-style shotguns and nectar-burnt lungs. on the outside he’s presents the perfect image. one that the jones could be proud of. a golden son that daphne could dote on and a son to take the mantle of mystery inc from freddy as time had passed. To the outside world Fox is perfect but it’s far from the truth. Below the surface there’s a hurt person. someone who chooses to inflict pain on others to silence his own.
fox was born into the world of the underground crime scene. his father was a powerful mob boss in the streets of new york by night and a powerful lawyer by day. the graves his father had filled were unmatched. from young age fox was taught that people were disposable. they were just pawns to further yourself in the game of life. he was taught that he was disposable. his parents weren’t the kindest. his mother was a socialite by day, rubbing elbows with the high class women of society to get into their good graces ( and resources ) and at night she was just as awful and heartless as his father, pushing her kids past their limits and degrading them when failure struck. and the devil himself? well he had kids just to have a legacy. someone to do his biddings and maybe take over once he finally kicked the bucket. fox was just another one of his little pawns. if he didn’t live up to the expectation that were placed upon him there were plenty of others who could replace him. so fox worked hard to be the best, better than his brother and sisters. he refused to be thrown to the wayside. he was going to prove himself useless to his father one way or another.
in a way, fox believed if he was the best then his parents would pay attention to him. maybe they’d even love him. he’d be worth loving if he held value. 
he trained hard in martial arts & firearms. although, a knife was much more desirable to fox. he earned himself the name ‘lucky’ because whenever he was around deals ended in his father’s favor. which meant fox was kept around and closer. his siblings soon picked up on how their parents operated life as a business and progressed. they became just as deadly as fox. ruthless and terrifying. 
but fox? fox was pretty. a pretty bird that no one could ever be scared of. even with how deadly he was people would laugh whenever he entered the room of negotiations or interrogations. how could such an angelic face ever strike fear? he couldn’t -  not without a snide remark or a pass. so fox was put to use elsewhere. his skills and body were used in a way fox never imagined they would be but he did for the business. to be taken seriously and to be a good son in his father’s deck. i mean, his family had already taken advantage of him. why not others?
so he allowed himself to be used. if it meant it’d further his family’s success. his nickname still came through for his family time and time again every deal closing perfectly, and while the success was good it wasn’t enough for fox. he was tired of sitting being pretty with grabby hand old men who complained about their loveless marriages to their wives. he wanted to be part of it - not on the sidelines. 
he had overheard his father talking about a big deal that was going to take place in two days time. it was very much so a make it or break it moment for foxes family. it was also the perfect chance to show he was useful. if his plan went south and the deal failed it would end miserably but if it succeeded? Fox could only imagine the glory. he was able to pull a few strings to get himself into the door before his father. of course when fox stepped in he wasn’t taken seriously. why would they send in someone like him? Fox wasn’t as stupid as they dubbed him to be. he came to a drug deal with the goods to pay. the others decided to pull the tough gangster routine on him. insults were thrown and before they could pull the wool over fox’s eyes he had one upped them. they were all dead within seconds. underestimating fox was their biggest mistake. he was just about to finish off the big boss when a different gun shot off and killed the man before him. fox didn’t need to turn around to know it was his father holding the gun. he also didn’t need to turn around to know he was absolutely livid. 
the car ride home was silent, unsettling even. fox could only imagine how his father was going to reprimand him but when they stopped at a warehouse fox was left confused as to why they were brought here and not home. of course he was taught not to question so fox got out without a word. perhaps he should have questioned why they were here because before he knew it he felt a white hot pain on his back. He managed to get a small glimpse of his father beating him with a crowbar before all went black. He had gone against his father’s wishes and now he was paying for it. the fact he wasn’t dead was sympathy on it’s own but fox was left for dead in that warehouse. He didn’t know how long he was there for but after some time he mustered up enough course to try and seek out help.
wondering the streets of new york looking like he did wasn’t the smartest idea but it garnered the attention of fred jones. when asked if he was okay fox looked the man dead in the eyes and retorted ‘what do you think?’ and when asked if he had a home near by fox went silent.
he had no home anymore. no family. nothing. that alone was enough to have fred take him home. the man saw a lot of himself in the young boy before him: angry and afraid. fox protested and insisted he only stay a day or two until he figured something out. he didn’t need any handouts from strangers. even if they were wealthy strangers. but two days soon turned to a week, to five months and before he knew it fox was adopted into the jones family. it took him quite some time to adjust to a real family. fox was hesitant at first, brash and heinous towards them. it wasn’t until he spent alone time with daphne did fox feel like he belonged. there was no ploy, no gimmick, they actually cared for him. it was a feeling he wasn’t used to. he allowed himself to be loved and for the first time loved in returned. maybe not love, but he cared for the jones’ and saw them as his real family. it took some time but even his relationship with fred has come around. 
currently, fox is the new leader of the next generation of mystery inc. after spending time with his parents their love of the paranormal rubbed off on him. the fact fred wanted to pass the baton down to his son was a honor in it’s own. they trusted him. it’s not something fox took for granted. he also did modeling as well thanks to january. daphne’s love of fashion did indeed rub off on him. you’ll never catch him in a dull outfit. Compared to the life he used to live Fox was now in paradise. he was happy to let the old him die and be reborn into someone new. ( although the new him wasn’t so great either ). the last he heard of them it was that they were in jail. without his so called luck on their side they were finally caught but being incarcerated wasn’t enough for fox. no he wanted them to suffer the way they intended he did but that’s a whole bag of trauma fox refuses to acknowledge among other feelings he’s repressed. 
he was happy with his life, happy with his family and of course happy to make people miserable. his life was perfect until stefan mcqueen decided they would be friends. fox didn’t do friends but he found himself growing attached to the idiot. and of course when marcus teague decided to punch him in the face it left fox to develop something towards him. the anger and hatred he felt melted into something else. something that fox wishes would go away because he can’t like marcus.
let alone be in love with him.
but hey, it’s just another feeling getting shoved into a box never to see the light of day. 
social media.
[ latest tweet ] @foxjones: good morning [ image url ]
[ last outgoing text ] text to january god doesn’t respond why should i
[ most played song ] judas by lady gaga
connections.
mystery inc kids: he tolerates them. ( he loves them rly )
marcus teague: enemies to lovers tea
stefan mcqueen: they’re friends. he won’t admit it.
hadrian foxworth: actual enemy. hates him v much. memo to self to destroy him later
connections: hmu
his pinterest board // playlist
10 notes · View notes
pixiedst · 4 years
Text
Dance With Me 04 // KYG
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Request from @lost-midnight-flower​​
Hiii can I request a got7 fic? Maybe something along the lines of meeting the guys at a fan meeting or something and one of them falling head over heals with the reader? That seems pretty cute to me, is that weird? If you choose to write this, you can pick which member you want to write about ^^ have a great day/evening ahead!
Genre: Fluff Pairing: Reader x Yugyeom Rating: PG-13 Warnings: None Description: Dance studio owner Y/N meets Yugyeom at a fan sign. Word Count: 6,997 A/N: First of all, I just want to say thank you for reading this story. It's my first fanfic in two years, so my skills have gotten rusty but I hope you enjoyed it anyway!! I also apologize for the month long wait since the previous chapter. Writer's block is really a pain in the ass, but I finally got through it! Thank you for your patience!! Lastly, I'd like to thank @lost-midnight-flower​ for requesting this. I hope I reached your expectations and enjoyed what I wrote for you!! 
Index // Part One // Part Two // Part Three 
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BREAKING: Kim Yugyeom Caught Kissing Mystery Girlfriend, Source Tells DISPATCH
It's all his fault. 
Yugyeom knew the risks. He knew how thin the ice was the moment he asked her, but he did it anyway. Now, with the effects of his mistakes unfolding, he not only put his career at risk, but Y/N’s too. If only he could turn back time and take it all back. He would have stayed quiet, kept his thoughts to himself. He would have kept her safe. 
But that doesn't make sense either. How is this fair? How does being an idol take away his right to a normal life? Since when did the media control him? No, it's not his fault. It can't be. Falling in love with Y/N was never a choice. He only did what felt right. 
Y/N knew the risks as much as he did, but she still took the leap. 
“You can still make things right. There isn’t any proof. Just a source.”
Yugyeom slumps lower in his seat and wishes he could melt into the cushion. “But it’s true. Everything the source said is true.” 
His manager shakes his head. “That doesn’t matter. What matters is your next move. You can confirm this, but think about how it could affect your careers.”
“So you want me to deny all of this? Nobody would believe it.”
“It’s better than having the media in your face every second. Take a couple days to think about it. But remember: you’re the only one we can protect here. She’s on her own.”
-
Nothing is going right for her anymore. The studio has been tense; she only talks to the girls when she has to, and despite their invites, she committed to eating lunch without them. Sure, she's got Yugyeom, but he's too busy to have lunch with her. They haven't even talked much since the news. It’s been rough for the both of them. 
For the first time in a long time, Y/N is completely alone. 
She put her social media on mute. The notifications froze her phone too much, it nearly broke. It was ridiculous. She was able to handle all the hate before, but after Sunhee told Dispatch what she saw, Y/N has not been getting any peace at all. The worst part is that she has to pretend like nothing is bothering her. She still teaches. She still goes according to plan. 
She tries to be professional, but she doesn’t know how much more of this she could take. 
-
They say there’s no place like home. 
Maybe that’s why Y/N is ugly crying on her childhood bed. She’s been at low points before, but she never thought about going home to face them. She simply told the girls the studio is closed for a week and hopped on a train. 
Her parents were the most surprised. They could only stare as their daughter pushed the door open, bags and all, with a face full of tears and puffy eyes. 
She was never the most comfortable with her parents. Her monthly visits would only last for a weekend. It’s not like the people who tried to hold her back from her dreams would be her favorite people. 
But they’re her parents. No matter how hard she tries, she will always have a soft spot for them. Maybe that’s why she came home. 
“Y/N?” her mother calls from the other side of the door. "Can I come in?" When she doesn’t answer, the door opens. 
Y/N buries her face in her pillow, embarrassed to face her mother. She’s not ready to hear the I-told-you-so speech. 
"I brought apple juice."
Y/N’s heart falls. Her favorite drink when she was a child. She looks up. 
“I remember it always made you better,” her mother says and sits on the bed. “Every time you drank it, you would be ready to take on any challenge.” 
Y/N smiles. If only it would give her the energy like it used to. 
“Have you been drinking apple juice?” 
She shakes her head and immediately regrets it when the world spins. "I'm not a child anymore, mom. I have so much work to do in the studio, and… with everything going on, I don’t really have time to think about having energy anymore.” 
“That’s not right, now is it?”
Tears cloud her vision again. Her body trembles as she sobs and falls into her mother's lap. “What should I do?” she asks.
She lets out another sob, and a beautiful string of snot drips from her nose. She wipes it helplessly.
Her mother strokes Y/N’s hair. “You've always been a strong person. You defied your father and me to chase your dreams, and you ended up doing so well. Eventually we realized we were holding you back because we were afraid. We didn't want what we were comfortable with to change, but in the end we knew it would only make you miserable if you stopped doing what you love.” 
“What if I failed, though?” 
"People fail. It's normal. But knowing you, you would have just chugged a gallon of apple juice and gotten back to work. That's just how you are. You are so determined to prove to the world that you are worthy of what you love."
She gets up. “What are you trying to say?"
Mom takes the glass from the nightstand and hands it to her. “I'm telling you to drink your apple juice. The ice is melting."
-
At this point, Y/N is sure she’s crazy. She watches the gray bar slowly fill with blue as a video of her and Yugyeom dancing to I am Yours uploads. Yes, she has completely lost her mind. Nobody was supposed to see this video—it was used for reference when they practiced—but she’s about to change that. She needs to get this out there, to face the cameras and the comments. To show them they are untouchable. 
During her week at home, she realized that artists tend to deny their relationships when the media put pressure on them. They crawl away and keep the truth to themselves or break up altogether. She doesn’t wasn’t want either of that to happen to them. Her mother did not raise a coward. 
This could be it for her career, for a stupid reason too. She’ll have to move back home and find a way to make a living again. But if it means standing up for what’s right, then perhaps it’s worth it. 
67%. 
The hate will not matter. She will not let it touch them. 
She sips her apple juice and sits back on her seat, the wheels rolling her from the pressure. She scans the room. How long has she lived here? Two years? Three? It's been a long time. This studio apartment holds her biggest memories. These walls watched her cry when the stress of opening a studio overwhelmed her. This floor kept her on her feet when the world shook as her parents begged her to come home and do something "practical." And this door has pushed her to face so many tomorrows, especially on days when she’d rather stay locked in. 
This has been her home, and she hates to leave it for a reason so shallow. 
But everything happens for a reason, right? That’s what they always say. Who knows? Maybe miracles will come her way. 
100%.
She did the right thing. She chose to be strong. This must be the right move. 
Her phone lights up. Naver uploaded a new article. 
BREAKING: Kim Yugyeom denies dating rumors. 
-
When they say communication is key, they’re not joking. 
Her hands are sweating so much she fears she might drop her phone. For the first time ever, his voice does not calm her down. 
"This is only getting worse," she says. “Is it too much to ask for you to come over? We can’t talk about this on the phone.”
“I’m on my way to you right now.” 
“Okay, drive sa-“ 
But the call ends. 
He’s at her apartment in less than 10 minutes, and nothing could be more tense. The air around them has never been like this. When she felt safety and comfort in his presence, she now feels anxiety and fear. She doesn’t know how this conversation will play out, or what their relationship will be like when it’s over. 
She uploaded the video, unafraid of losing her career, but never thought that she might lose him.
“Yugyeom, I-“
"You should have told me you were going to do this. We’re supposed to work this out together, not make the move on our own. I can’t believe you right now! Not only did you jeopardize your job, you hurt mine too!”
She tries to keep her voice calm as she says, “Yugyeom, you made the statement without telling me either. Can we take a breath for a moment? We made the same mistake, and I’m sure it was because we thought it was best for both of us. "
"I understand we both made a mistake, and I know I should have talked to you first, but I didn’t exactly assume you would throw yourself right into the hate for this. Have you even read the comments in the video?”
Y/N shakes her head. “You said I shouldn’t let them touch me.”
“That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be careful!” he sighs. “Look, I’m sorry I assumed you wouldn’t want to act so impulsively. I didn’t know that week at home would lead you to make a decision like this.”
She scoffs. “What are you trying to say? You think I can’t act on my own? That I can’t make good decisions?”
“That’s not what I mean, and you know that. Let me put this simply. I thought you wanted to protect your career, so that’s what I prioritized. Denying the claims won’t kill the rumors, but it could reduce them. The company's plan was that if we could just protect the secret better, we could make this work. They were worried about you, Y/N. They could only legally protect me. They thought if we denied the rumors, we could protect you too.” 
The air is thick. She wishes she could be thankful for his consideration, and to maybe even feel guilty for uploading the video, but she can’t. She could never be guilty for doing what she thinks is right. 
“Yugyeom,” she says. “I did what I did because I want to be with you. I want to fight for what I believe in, and that’s respecting idols’ privacy. I thought you believed in that too.”
He groans. “I do believe in that, Y/N! But we have to accept the reality, and sadly, it’s not that. People have no respect for our privacy because we are business products! That is literally what we are. That’s why we can’t swear on camera. That’s why we can’t make mistakes in public. That’s why we can’t date whoever we want! It’s messed up, I know, and I hate it as much as you do, but we have no choice. Uploading that video is not going to make a difference. If anything, it makes matters worse. " 
If you hated it as much as I did, you would take action, she thinks, but says nothing. But he is right. Idols are products. Everything they do is walking on thin ice. What right did she ever have to try and interfere with that? 
Before he can say more, his phone rings. She doesn’t listen. His voice is muffled, like someone put him in a box and hid it in another room. She shifts her weight on each foot every few seconds, like simply standing is tipping her off balance. The call seems to go on for hours. 
Finally he hangs up and looks at her. “I have to go. They want me to come back to the company.”
“Let me go with you. This is my problem too. Maybe we can discuss this better with me around.”
He shakes his head. “No, this is my problem as an idol. You wouldn’t make sense there.”
Her heart drops. This is unbelievable. This is not the Yugyeom she knows. 
He sighs. “I’m sorry. That came out wrong. I-“
“Just go. I don't really want to look at you right now.” 
He hesitates and keeps his hand on the doorknob like he wants to say something, but his phone rings again and he leaves. 
Y/N rushes to her computer and deletes the video, but there’s no use. 100,000 people have already seen it. 
-
Y/N is having a very pleasant morning. She absolutely loves going to the studio to see the windows completely covered in spray paint. At least now it’s noticeable. Maybe this is the advertising she needs. 
She groans. Could her life get any worse? She barely has a boyfriend anymore. The least the universe could do is give her an hour of peace before the dance classes begin. 
Yugyeom hasn’t spoken to her since that night in her apartment. Two days without contact may seem short, but with a heavy situation like theirs, the lack of communication is suffocating. The worst part about waiting for him to talk to her is resisting the urge to text first. 
Maybe it’s pride, but Y/N calls it self respect. She admitted her mistake, but he still hasn’t spoken to her. He screwed up just as bad, so why is he being so childish? 
She sighs. Missing him is not going to clean the windows. With a bucket of water mixed with vinegar and a cloth in hand, she gets to work. She doesn’t exactly have the energy to add force to her strokes, but she doesn’t have a choice. 
"Hey, boss." Jia’s voice brings her to a stop.
Y/N turns. Somehow, even as she looks at them, she feels nothing. She wishes she could feel even just the slightest irritation at the sight, but she can’t. Not even if Sunhee avoids her eyes and keeps her hands pocketed in her hoodie. 
“Hi,” she says, squeezing the rag as if it would ease her mind. Water drips from her fingers and onto her feet, but she doesn't move. 
“We wanted to see if you were okay.”
Her chest burns. She licks her lips and laughs, raising her arms in the air like she’s trying to imitate a welcome sign. “What do you think?” 
Areum tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and clears her throat. She takes a step forward, and just when Y/N thinks she’s about to hug her, Areum walks past and enters the studio. Jia follows, and Sunhee comes in last. 
If Y/N could describe the breeze that passes between them as Sunhee walks, it would be like fire burning her face. Brutal, but she doesn’t know how else to feel around her. It’s not like she can smile at the very reason why Dispatch ultimately ruined her life in a week. 
That’s why when they come right back out with buckets and rags, she doesn’t know how to react. They stand next to her and wipe off the marks. 
She could only watch. She knows she should help them, but her body refuses to move. Why are they being so nice to her now? Do they feel sorry for her? Is that it? If that’s the case, she doesn’t want their pity. They could quit for all she knows, and she would not be angry. Okay, maybe a little, but that's not the point. 
Areum speaks up. “I think it’s stupid that you’re getting all this hate.”
Jia nods and reaches for the bucket. “Me too. It’s been like, what, two weeks? Week and a half? I can’t even remember. It’s old news, like, move on, already.” 
“Why…” Y/N whispers. 
Sunhee turns around. This is the first time she makes eye contact with Y/N. “I know you think I told Dispatch, but it wasn’t me.”
Her mind whirls. “What? Do you realize that doesn't make any sense at all? " 
Sunhee nods. “It doesn’t, right? But I swear I didn’t tell Dispatch. I don’t even know how to do it! " 
Before Y/N could reply, Jia steps in between them. "All done! How about we talk about this inside?” 
-
If anyone told Y/N two years ago that she would sit in the middle of the studio having a heart-to-heart with Jia, Areum, and Sunhee, she would laugh in their face. 
With everything going on lately, nothing feels real anymore. It's like she's floating around and looking at her life under a microscope. 
“You know, I’m really surprised you guys came to help me today,” Y/N says, her voice so quiet, she’s not sure they heard.
“Why wouldn’t we help?” Areum asks. “You’re our boss.”
“I don’t know, I thought you guys hated me or something.”
Y/N plays with the hem of her shirt, as if the texture of the fabric is more interesting than the conversation. She doesn’t know how to face them. She feels like a failure of a boss. Hell, she feels like a failure, period. 
“What? How could you think we hate you?” Jia asks.
Sunhee leans a little closer to add, “You are pretty rude sometimes, Jia.”
Jia pauses and nods after a moment. “You know, I totally get that.” She turns to Y/N. “I’m sorry. I never hated you, though. I think you’re pretty cool, just intimidating.” 
“Intimidating? How am I intimidating?” Y/N asks. 
“Well,” Areum says. “For starters, you’re our boss. I think it’s kind of the natural order of the universe for us to feel that way. But also because you’re a hard worker. You’re so focused on work, we never really got the chance to relate to you. You’ve always been closed off. The only time you show interest in things is when we’re interested in them too.” 
“It’s also why we were so surprised to find out you were an ahgase. You keep so many things private, it’s hard to connect with you. We never hated you, boss. We just didn’t know you,” Jia adds. 
The room is silent after that. Y/N’s mind scrambles for memories of the two years she shared with them. They’re right. She’s so used to people being against her, she assumed they were the same. She cannot rule out the times they were annoying, but that’s normal. Surely they got annoyed with her at some point. They’re only human. 
Y/N sighs. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions like that. I never gave you guys the chance to prove yourselves to me as anything other than great dancers. I should have been a better boss.”
Sunhee shakes her head. “You’re a great boss. You just need to learn to be a friend.”
“You’re right. You’re definitely right. I am too closed off. But I need to know,” Y/N faces Sunhee. “How can you say you didn’t tell Dispatch? You’re the only one who saw us.” 
“This might sound unbelievable, but I don’t snitch. Well, except to them,” Sunhee gestures to Jia and Areum. “But I swear, I didn’t tell Dispatch.”
Jia nods. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and the only thing that makes sense is that someone may have heard us talk about it.”
Areum taps on the floor. “I bet it’s that girl from the steakhouse.” They all turn to her. “Think about it. The first picture that went viral was them in a steakhouse. And remember when Sunhee came running to us after she saw them? We took a walk just around here and went past it. A waitress was outside by the big chalkboard menu. It could have been her.”
Y/N slouches. That does seem to make sense, but it’s also a just a guess. And even if they did confront her, what difference would it make? It’s not like she can take it all back. The damage is done. 
Jia clenches her fists. “Let’s go to her! I bet we could totally make her confess.” 
They stay seated and wait for Y/N’s signal, but she only shakes her head. “Don’t bother. It wouldn’t change anything.”
“So what are you gonna do?” Sunhee asks.
Y/N shrugs. “I don’t know.” When they slouch, she adds, “But it’s okay. I have you guys now. That makes everything better.”
-
Bad things happen all the time, but if you know where to look, you just might find a little bit of good. That's what her father always said. She didn’t know it then, but maybe his words stuck enough to push her this far. Despite their unwillingness to support her dream, it seems they were also the reason she achieved it. 
If none of this happened, she wouldn't understand how Jia, Areum and Sunhee felt about her. She might even spend the next couple of years slowly losing the strength to keep up with them. As much as she wishes none of this got so out of hand, she’s glad it brought them together. They are the perfect example of what her dad meant. 
The good in the bad. 
Her phone screen lights up, and just when she thinks it’s a text from their group chat, her heart stops. 
GMAIL: JYP Entertainment 
She screams. The room spins. Her hands shake, and she almost drops her phone. An email from JYP Entertainment? What could it be about? Is she in trouble? She already deleted the video! Instead of unlocking her phone to open the email, she calls the girls through the group chat. 
“You got an email from who?” Areum screams. 
“J-JYP Entertainment. Oh my God. What should I do?” 
“Read it!” Jia says.
"Out loud so we can hear it!” Sunhee adds. 
“Okay, okay, okay, okay.” Y/N pulls down the notification bar and takes a deep breath before tapping on the email. 
“What does it say!” Areum asks.
“Dear, Y/N. We are pleased to inform you that we are interested in hiring you as a dance teacher for the artists and trainees of JYP Entertainment. We received a recommendation for having you on our team and after researching your activities as a dance studio owner, we would like to hire you. If you are interested, visit the JYP Entertainment building on Saturday at 2:00 PM for an interview. Thank you.”
Y/N falls to the floor. She can’t believe it. Even with the words staring back at her and the girls screaming in her ear, she can’t believe it. The company her favorite group works for is interested in hiring her. Her! A low-rate dancer with a small studio. Her, even after the mess of the scandal. They want to hire her. 
“What do I do?” she whispers. 
“Go! Take the job!” Areum says. “This is what you worked so hard for!” 
And that’s when it clicks. When she uploaded the video, she wasn’t afraid of losing her career, but not once did she think about the girls losing theirs. They worked just as hard as she did. They share the same dream, the same passion. How could she be selfish enough to risk that? 
She has to take this opportunity. A part-time job at JYP? This could save all of them.
-
Y/N’s heart feels like it’s going to explode.
Standing in front of the JYP building has never felt more intense. She’s visited before, ate at the famous JYPBob, but with a new intent in mind, the building looms above her like a taunt ready to criticize her every move. 
But she can totally do this. At least that's what she keeps telling herself, anyway. So much is at stake here. She needs to do everything she can to get this job. That’s all that matters. 
“Okay, Y/N,” she mutters. “One step at a time. Just walk to the door.” 
She could see the inside through the revolving door, but it somehow looks better on the other side. The first thing she notices is the JYP logo on the wall, which glows as if it's greeting her. Two women sit behind a long marble counter with a huge stone slab in front. Y/N wonders how they managed to make it look good. This room looks like the entrance to a god’s house. There’s no way she’s worthy of standing on this floor. 
After explaining what she's there for, she follows an employee up the elevator. As they walk along the blue walls, she can only think of one thing: she might work here. One day, she could get used to walking down these halls, passing idols and giving them a smile. This could be her life. 
But first, she has to pass the interview. 
Behind this door could be the turning point of her career. She takes a deep breath. There’s no telling what could happen next, but it's okay. This is where her efforts brought her. She just hopes she drank enough apple juice. 
“Hello, you must be Y/N,” a man in a black blazer and khaki pants says as he extends his hand. “I’m Jung Wook.” 
Y/N shakes it. “Hello, it’s very nice to meet you.”
“So,” Jung Wook sits behind his desk and smiles. “you’re a special case here. We received a recommendation, and we don’t get that often. We watched some of your videos on YouTube, and we think you’re very talented.” 
“Thank you.”
“But first, tell me about yourself.” 
Here we go. 
-
The interview is a blur. With so much adrenaline running through her veins, it’s difficult to catch the details. The words roll off her tongue like she knows exactly what to say, but in reality, she has no idea if anything made sense. 
She just hopes they accept her anyway. 
After an awkward amount of bows and thank yous, Y/N opens the door to find a man sitting on the floor. He looks up. 
Yugyeom.
“Did you get the job?” he asks and stands up.
She closes the door and sighs. 
“I know you’re mad at me, but can we please talk?” he says. 
“All right.” 
She follows him around the building. Honestly, she's glad he's here. She was too nervous to pay attention to where she was going, she doesn’t remember how to get back to the front door. At least after this, Yugyeom can escort her out. 
He takes her to a dance practice room, and she swears she almost cries. It’s bigger than her entire studio, and they have more of these in one building? The lights are much brighter, it's like they flow through her and give her energy to dance. She runs to the middle of the room. 
“Makes you wanna dance, right?” he says, bringing her back to reality. 
She frowns, and all the energy the room gave her seeps from her body. She turns to him. 
“You recommended me, didn’t you?” she asks. 
He nods. “With Jaebeom-hyung’s help. He’s more persuasive. It was the least I could do after…” When she looks away, he adds, “I’m sorry I hurt you. You only wanted to fight for our relationship, but I chose to be a coward. I should’ve consulted you first.” 
She sighs and sits on the floor. “Even the floor feels better.” She looks back at him. “I should’ve talked to you too. But you were right. JYP could only protect you. I’m on my own. Denying the rumors was the safer choice, but I ruined that.”
“How did the interview go?” he asks as he takes a seat in front of her. 
She shrugs. “I don’t know. It was kind of just a blur. I don’t remember the questions or what I said, so I really can’t tell if I bombed it or not.” 
“I’m sure you did great. You’ll fit right in here.”
“If I become an official employee here, does that mean they can protect me too? The way they protect their idols?” 
Yugyeom nods. “You’d have a powerful company to take legal action against anyone who attacks you again.” 
Y/N slouches, as if the weight of the information is too heavy for her shoulders. “I need this job.”
They stay silent for a moment, like they’re waiting for someone to say something. To be honest, Y/N doesn’t know what to say. She said sorry, she took responsibility for what she did and asked about the recommendation. What more is there to say? That she misses him? With so much happening at once, she never really got the chance to think about him. 
Now that he's right in front of her, it’s like her emotions finally caught up. Sadness and anger come at once that she has to look away, but in the middle of it all is the one thing she did not expect to feel—longing. 
“I miss you,” they both say, their voices echoing and bouncing off each other like a trampoline. 
Then they laugh. She missed this, being with him without a care for anything else. To be in his presence, even when they were nothing but friends. 
“Y/N… I hope you know I didn’t just recommend you because I wanted to help you,” he says. "I want to be with you. I still do. I was angry, but I missed you anyway. Everyday.”
She meets his gaze. “I wanna be with you too, Yugyeom. But I'm afraid if I don't get the job, I won’t have the same protection as you. How would that work?” 
“I’ll protect you.”
She snickers and looks away. “You’ve always been so idealistic.”
“You’ve known me three months.”
“I’ve known you since you debuted. You’ve known me for three months.”
"Touché," he laughs. “But really. Whether you get the job or not, I’ll do what I can to protect you.”
“My knight in shining armor," she says, placing the back of her palm above her forehead like a damsel in distress.
He stands and bows, offering his hand as his other rests behind his back. "Anything for my love."
She smiles and takes his hand, which falls to her waist and pulls her closer. His eyes scan her face for any resistance, and when he finds none, he smiles.  
“I missed this,” she whispers and rests her forehead on his.
She wishes more than ever that the door is locked. 
"I love you," he says. 
Y/N pulls her head back and looks at him, like the words he spoke touched every inch of her skin. He looks at her, his eyes shining with the reflection of the lights. 
“What-“
“I know it might be too soon. We haven't been dating for a long time, but I love you. I hope I don’t scare you away.” 
She must be dreaming. She hasn't woken up yet and still needs to go to that interview. She’s imagining all this because she misses him, because she-
"I love you too." If this is a dream, she never wants to wake up. 
Before she could think further, he kisses her, and her mind shuts down. His arms wrap around her body and pull her closer than she already was. They could not waste any more distance between them. She melts into his embrace, his lips, his hands, and the sound he makes when she kisses him back. This is their reminder to each other that the world cannot touch them. It tried, and it hurt for a moment, but they found their way back to each other. 
He walks them to the wall and guides her so her back rests gently. But they don’t pull away. They need this. They’ve been needing this, because the last time didn’t go so well. 
For someone who hasn’t had a lot of experience, Yugyeom is a fantastic kisser. 
When they pull away, their faces remain close, like going further apart is wrong. 
Y/N smiles because this is real. She knows because no dream could ever compare to him. 
-
It’s been at least two months since Yugyeom went live, when he told the world Y/N waswasst a friend. Nobody believed him, of course. Just as no one believed him when he denied the claims once more. But tonight, he’s going to right his wrongs. 
Y/N is great as a new dance teacher in the company. The trainees seem to really like her because she’s his girlfriend. They think it's cool that she met him at a fan sign and managed to win his heart. If only the rest of the world were as accepting as they were. 
“Hi, guys. Did you miss me? I missed you,” he says, watching the comments fly up in a swift. 
It’s always hard to read them, but he manages to catch a few. A lot of them are ‘I MISSED YOU’s and ‘ARE YOU OKAY’s, which he always finds so sweet. 
“I know I’ve been gone for some time, but I have a good reason. I’ve been taking care of my girlfriend. Yes, she's my girlfriend. I know what the news said, and that was my fault. I was scared. But that was because I was afraid of what you might think. I know a lot of you won't like this, but it’s the truth. And I came on live because I wanted to tell you guys on my own instead of some news article.”
He chuckles as he reads more of the messages. His basic English skills can catch the supportive ones. He’s surprised to see a lot of the Korean comments following the same theme. It takes a great deal of the weight from his chest.
“I’m glad to see some positive comments on here, but I know there are still some who don’t like this. But I’m here to ask all of you, as my fans, as my best friends, to respect us. You don’t have to like it, but at least respect it. I’m… I’m really in love with her. We are all human and we all fall in love. You wouldn’t want the people you care about to restrict you from doing what your heart wants, right? We all deserve this freedom. I deserve this freedom. So I hope you guys can be okay with that. Because you guys mean a lot to me.” 
He takes a deep breath and smiles at the comments. 
"Hello, Brazil," he laughs. “Well that’s all for now, guys. I’ll come back soon, I promise. I’ve missed you all. Goodnight everyone!” 
He lays in bed and takes a deep breath, the weight of the past few months slowly leaving his chest. He did the right thing. Not everyone is going to be happy with the news, but he’s happy with Y/N. That’s all that matters. 
Together, they will face the hate, but they will not let it touch them. 
-
“That’s all the boxes, right?” Y/N asks as Sunhee sits at the truck driver’s seat. 
She nods. “Yeah, I counted. Get in.” 
Y/N does as she’s told and sighs. Her heart falls. She already said goodbye to the studio at least five times, but she can’t help but get emotional. That little room was the beginning of her career. Sure, she has to move on and continue the road that very room started, but the emotional value is too much. 
It’s why it took one year of convincing her to finally move to a larger space. The new studio is still in Hongdae, which is nice because they’re familiar with the area, but it’s much larger. It’s almost like JYP dance practice rooms: spacious with the most beautiful bright lights. 
“Can I ask you something?” Y/N asks. 
“What’s up?” 
“What does it mean when a guy doesn’t reply to you for over 24 hours?” 
Sunhee snickers. “Normally, I would say it means he’s mad at you, but in your case, your idol boyfriend must be exhausted from his world tour. Give him time to sleep and relax. You can make out in the studio when he’s ready.” 
Y/N sighs. “I just don’t get why he wouldn’t text me a simple ‘I’m home’, you know? It doesn’t take much energy to type it. He can even just say it, and his phone will send it! A world tour doesn’t mean he can just forget his girlfriend.” 
“He hasn’t forgotten you, Y/N. He’s crazy about you, and it’s already been a year. That says a lot.”
“How can you be so sure? What if he’s tired of me?” 
“Just trust me. I’m sure you’ll see him again very soon.” 
Y/N nods and takes a deep breath. She looks out through the window to distract herself. She’s pretty bummed out that her boyfriend can’t do something as simple as send her a text. 
Especially on her birthday, 
When Sunhee pulls over, Y/N gets off right away to bring the remaining boxes into the new studio, but Jia and Areum run out immediately and block her path. 
“Oh, good. We’re gonna need the help. These speakers are heavy,” she says and walks to the back of the truck. 
“Wait!” Areum says and gently pulls Y/N’s arm. “Aren’t you hungry? Why don’t we go inside to get some food first?” 
Y/N pauses. “There’s food inside?” 
Jia scowls at Areum before smiling back at their boss. “Yeah! We ordered some take out because we were starving. Setting up is a lot of work! We waited for you guys so we could eat together.” 
“Okay, but there better not be an odor. We don’t want the first problem in our new place to be a stench.”
“What are we? Stupid?” Areum says, laughing a little too loudly, which earns her a slap in the arm from Jia. 
Y/N walks past them and pushes the door open only to be greeted by a very dark studio. 
“God, where are the lights here? Why did you guys turn them off?” she says as she feels for the switch on the walls. 
When the lights turn on, she takes a moment to adjust to the change before she realizes her friends are standing in the middle with Kim Yugyeom. 
“Happy Birthday!” they say in terrible unison, but the effort makes her smile anyway. 
“Oh my God!” 
Despite the bare room and boxes at the side, the table in the center with cake and take out food makes up for it. And Yugyeom. That ass. She walks toward them. 
“Is that apple juice?” she asks, pointing to a clear plastic pitcher. 
They nod, and she laughs. She turns to Yugyeom and glares. 
“I’m sorry I ignored your-“ he starts, but Y/N interrupts him with a combination of hits on his chest.
“You! Could! Have! Texted!” she yells. 
He takes her hands to stop the attacks and pulls her into a hug. “I missed you too.” 
She buries her face in his chest and takes in his scent. Before their relationship, she never thought she would be the clingy type, but Yugyeom proved her otherwise. There’s something about him that makes her feel safe and at ease, that being away from him for too long makes her want to hop on the next plane to wherever he is. 
“Alright, guys, I know this is a birthday surprise, but I wasn’t kidding when I said we were starving,” Jia says. 
Y/N pulls away and smiles at the girls. “Thank you. Really. A year ago, I never thought I would ever say this, but I love you guys. I’m so grateful to have all of you.” She turns to Yugyeom. “And you. Thank you for taking time out of your rest to come here. I know you must be tired, so get some sleep after this, okay? Now. Let’s eat!” 
They cheer, and together, they celebrate. 
-
There is no way Yugyeom could afford this place. 
“Look, this guy is really desperate to sell this apartment! I kinda feel bad for him,” Yugyeom whispers. 
“You are not buying this apartment because you pity the agent. It’s probably only a trick he does for rich guys like you to give in!” 
“Yeah, but look! Let’s put that aside for a moment. This place looks really nice. Admit it. You’d live here.” 
She sighs and takes another glance around the empty living room. “Yeah, but I could never afford it. But this is you we’re talking about. Look at this price! This would be a total waste for when you’re away on tour. Who’s gonna keep it clean?” 
He smiles and glances at the real estate agent who peeks from one of the rooms. The man blushes and hides back. 
“That’s why I want you to move in with me,” he says. 
Y/N’s breath hitches. “W-what?” 
“Think about it. I could send money every month when I’m away so I can pay half the rent. You’re right. I could never afford this place, but only on my own. You’re really successful now, with income from your studio, YouTube channel, and JYP,” he takes her hands. “What do you say? Will you live with me?” 
She takes another look at the apartment. Her imagination fills the room with a couch, television, plants, bookshelves, and an image of them having dinner together at a table. He makes a good point. Not to mention, they don’t see each other at the JYP building as often as they’d like. Having one home could change that. 
It could change their entire relationship, but since when did change every scare her? 
She squeezes his hands and smiles. “Okay.” 
Yugyeom pulls her close and kisses her, not an ounce of shame in the real estate agent’s presence. Why would it matter?
He’s home. 
22 notes · View notes
tsarinastorm · 4 years
Text
Old Wounds, New Roommates-Adam Sackler/Reader-Chapter 2
Chapter 1
ONE YEAR AND SIX MONTHS AGO
Ever since your hookup with Adam, he’s texted you every day, and you had had another intense fucking sessions.  You had thought things were going well, but tried not to think too much into it. He was clearly a damaged soul that was processing a lot lately. He had went from some girl before Hannah to Hannah to some other girl back to begging for Hannah back to Jessa to you. That’s why you were surprised and tried to act nonchalantly when he informed you of his ‘feelings’ one day.
               “I like you, I really like you. I never thought I could feel like this again but with you I feel it.” He tells you while holding your hand to his chest, his eyes never leaving yours. He was looking at you with such adoration, you fell for it. He then insisted on taking you on a real date, you reluctantly agreed.
               Now sitting at the restaurant, he’s already twenty minutes late. The waiter keeps coming to your table to ask if you need anything. More wine is definitely needed. You’re giving him ten more minutes then you’re leaving. You scold yourself because you should have never expected anything from him. Furthermore, you were growing furious because you were normally the one in control of your relationships and here you were getting played. You knew better.
               It had been three weeks since Adam stood you up and he never had the decency to shoot you a text with an explanation…
                                                                               *******
PRESENT
               A lot had changed since your debacle with Adam Sackler over a year and a half ago. Now, you had two best-sellers under your belt, granted they were closer to memoirs based on your life. You wrote them to joke and parody your own life. It wasn’t your best work, but you were still happy that they were published under a pen name. Your next venture was historical fiction, and writing history books, your true passion. The novels brought you enough cash to pay off a majority of your student debt, and pay for your travels. You had spent most the past year doing promotional work around the world then leisurely travel. Either way, it burnt through your bank account fast.
               At the moment you were crashing at a friend’s apartment with your dog, Salem, and cat, Olive, joining you while your belongings were still in storage. You had given yourself a week to find a place. It was proving to be difficult: you needed a roommate because you would become depressed living on your own, and you didn’t want to live in Manhattan, and you had a limited budget at the moment. To add to the problems, most of the potential roommates were not roommate material. You were near your breaking point, something had to give.
               On top of everything you already had going on, you were almost ran over by Adam Sackler on a bike. Talk about a blast from the past. You couldn’t deny that he looked even better than you remembered: his hair was now slightly longer and he was even more toned. He also threw out there that he and his girlfriend broke up pretty quickly in your conversation. He was your biggest mistake: you shouldn’t have gotten attached and you shouldn’t have let him play you like that. Now all was left of your feelings for him was a burning rage, and deep down below that, a desire for him.
               You walk into Ray’s coffee shop to re-caffeinate and catch up with him. As you wait in line, you notice that Adam is there near the register. You really can’t a catch a break lately. You order your usual and do your best to ignore Adam. Luckily, Ray keeps the conversation going.
               “Hey, Y/N, how’s the apartment and roommate search going?” Ray asks as he hands your coffee.  You take it and decide to let it cool, you needed caffeine but it wasn’t worth the mouth burn.
               “Horrible. You should see some of the options.” You admit and settle near the register. There’s not a line so you standing there it shouldn’t disturb much. You can tell that Adam’s purposefully eavesdropping on your conversation. Typical. Shouldn’t he be worried about his own acting gigs, or one of the many exes or future exes you’re sure he has around.
               “Why don’t you wanna live alone again?” Ray ponders as he cleans the counter top, before leaning on it with his elbows. Ugh, this again. You have to remind people how screwed up you are, how much you’ve screwed up your life.
               “Because I’m miserable living alone, and it’s better for me to split rent at the moment.” You’re silently praying that Ray takes the hint and drops the topic. You’d prefer not to talk about it at all, let alone in front of the banes of your life: Adam Sackler. Ray however, is not dropping it, instead he focuses in on one of comments.
               “Wait, did you fly through your profits already?” Ray gives you a judging look that resembles a scowl. You feel like you’re being scolded by one of your parents. You roll your eyes as you answer.
“Yeah between paying off my student debt and traveling, it went by pretty fast.” You grind your teeth, a bad habit, and give him a stern look in return. Hopefully, he’ll get the hint this time. To your surprise and chagrin, it’s Adam who chimes in next.
“I have an extra room you’re welcome to it. I just redid it.” He turns toward you now, both you and Ray stare at him shocked.  Adam then continues sipping on his drink like nothing happened.
“You serious?!” Ray shouts, and you add in with, “What?”
               “I added on, it’s a nice bedroom and has its own bath. You can stay there. The rent is fixed for me so the price shouldn’t be a problem.” The initial reaction is: fuck no, you would leave the city and go move in with your parents before you’d move in with Adam. Then, you thought that Adam was better than most of the roommate options you had met so far. He might be your last choice, but then again, you’re at your last choice.
               “Can I see the room before I make a decision?” You ask, because knowing Sackler the room could either be very nice or it could be a total disaster. There was little room for middle ground with Sackler. Also you’re curious if the place looks as disheveled as it did the last time (one other time) you were there. If so, you would need to do a thorough cleaning before moving in.
“Oh I have a dog and cat, is that okay?” You think that the apartment will have to be pet-proofed. Adam runs his hands through his hair before nodding saying, “That shouldn’t be a problem.”
               “Wait, are you really considering this? Have you lost your fucking mind?” Ray puts his hands up in the air, and waits for you tell him that you’re joking, that this is some kind of joke. Your face stays serious because you definitely need some place to live ASAP. You ignore Ray and keep your eyes on Adam.
               “Ya, want to go now?” Adam asks as he motions his head in the direction of the door.
“Yeah.” You gather up your bag and your coffee, prepared to go. Adam heads out the door, waits for you by the doorway, and you’re right behind him. Ray gives you an incredulous look and you explain, “I want to see if there are proper floorboards.”
“Why would the floorboards matter?” Ray asks before he turns back to cleaning the counter or whatever he’s doing.
“In case I end up having to hide a body…” You joke but it’s the truth, it might end up being reality. If you weren’t desperate you wouldn’t even consider living with Adam: it was a catastrophe waiting to happen. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
****
When you get to the apartment, after a one-sided conversation with Adam on the walk over, you’re surprised that it’s cleaner than last time. Apparently, Adam is a nervous talker, and can actually clean on occasion. The apartment isn’t as well kept as when Ray was living there but you could live with it.
“Your room is back here.”  Adam leads you back through the hallway, and you find yourself checking out his book collection. You also notice that the yellow sofa hasn’t left even though it should probably be retired.
“My maybe room.” You correct him as you follow him. Of course the apartment smells like him and it brings back memories that you’d prefer to forget even though they’re sketched in your memory. When you walk into the added room, you can’t help but let out a sharp inhale as you take it all in. It’s stunning, and surprisingly roomy for New York.
“This is actually nice, did you do all of this?” You head into the bathroom, which has a new shower with tub, and a sink with decent counter space. In New York there was never enough space unless you were a billionaire, but you could see yourself living here. Though you might have to wear noise-cancelling headphones and blinders to avoid your roommate.
“Yeah, I like to do this kind of stuff.” Adam answers, downplaying his craftsmanship. When you walked back into the bedroom, you notice that the walls are still white, and not painted. Adam breaks your train of thought by asking, “What do you think?”
He waits for your answer, and you can tell he’s waiting for you to rip into the place. You turn to look at him, placing your hands on your hips. You tell him, “I have only one question: can I paint it?”
Adam gives you that goofy smile that you’ve always been fond of, before agreeing, “Yeah no problem. Just preferably not hot pink or some shit like that.”
And just like that, you’re going to be roommates with a former fuck buddy, who stood you up and played you in the past. Maybe Ray was right, maybe you had lost your damn mind.
******
The new living situation was tempestuous at best. Adam had a habit of being a slob and leaving glasses of milk around the apartment at all hours. Then, there was the case of his tools which were quickly spreading throughout the common areas of the apartment. The worst was the nights: he was in and out all night, up and down. You had to get up and be productive and he should be too but apparently he preferred to live like the struggling artist.
You were hoping that tonight would be different: he might go to bed at a decent hour like the rest of civilized society. All of those hopes crashed when you heard a woman’s voice talking on the other side of the wall. This was not going to be a fun night, at all.
“Do you like my cock, you fucking whore?” You hear Adam ask on the other side of the wall.
“I really like your cock,” you hear the unknown woman answer back.
You roll over to your side, and turn up the volume of your headphones. That works for a short period of time because soon you can hear the bed hitting the wall. The bed’s hitting the wall to the point it’s making your own headboard rattle from the vibrations. You try in vain to knock against the wall, hoping they’d get the hint. Sadly, it doesn’t even phase them.
Then, the moaning and screaming starts. Adam is groaning and grunting, while his companion is screaming his name like a chant. This continues for several moments until the woman says, “Adam, fuck, I’m cumming.”
“Fuck, fuck where do you want me to cum?” You hear Adam say, followed by a response, “Cum outside.”
               “You’d like that, huh, for me to fucking cover you in my cum?” The woman moans something intelligible back that you can’t discern. After a few thrust that you hear through the wall, it’s over as you hear Adam let out a guttural moan. Now, you just hope that it was a one round night, and hope that the girl doesn’t stay the night.
               Round two did happen, loudly, and right when you had just gotten to sleep. You did think that you heard the girl leave earlier, and did not want to ever encounter whoever she was. You would however make sure Adam knew how you felt. Some people actually have to wake up in the morning have some semblance of a routine. You put the food in Salem’s and Olive’s respective bowls then pour yourself a cup of extra strong coffee and make a bowl of cereal.
               Adam comes out of the room as if on cue. He’s only wearing a pair of black briefs, and you can’t help but ogle him just a little bit. He was toned and in shape when you met him, but now he’s built like Adonis, and his longer hair only adds to the likeness. You stop yourself from admiring his bulge, you already know what his dick is like, and know what he’s like in bed: mindblowing.
               That thought process reminds you that you’re still pissed that his escapades kept you up all night. You wait to say something when he’s sat down across from you and eating his own cereal.
“Did you have fun fucking the Banshee last night?” You ask as you sip your coffee. Shock goes across his face, he looks embarrassed for a moment then he covers it with cool arrogance.
“I did…thanks for your concern.” He answers. His cool, smug demeanor pisses you off more. Not only did he keep you up all night having to listen to him to fuck, now he has the nerve to pretend it’s no big deal.
“I could tell. I could hear it. You can keep it down, no one wants to hear a porno being made.”  You tell him sternly, squinting your eyes at him, and then getting up to put your cup in the sink. You put in there loudly, to exaggerate your frustration.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were jealous.” Adam has the nerve to say as you begin retreating into your room. His comment makes you halt and stalk back into the kitchen.
“Ha! Why would I be jealous? Have you forgotten I’ve already been on that ride?” You cock your head to the side and cross your arms. Adam is looking at you with eyes that are a hot amber, he’s trying to provoke you. You see his jaw twitch in frustration to your comment.
“Which is why you know you’re missing out. You miss me fucking your brains out.” Adam stands and is invading your personal space.  You’d almost forgotten how much taller he was than you. You hadn’t forgotten what kind of sexual chemistry you had, the chemistry has now turned to tension as your eyes stay locked on one another’s. You wanted to punch him, stay away from him, but you also want to kiss him, to fuck him so hard that he’s absolutely wrecked.
Instead, you provoke him by hitting him where you know it will hurt.
“Uh no…it wasn’t that good.” You know there are three possible results from what you just said. One, you’ll hate each other even more. Two, you’ll end up fucking right here and now. Or three, a combination of one and two. Adam’s eyes darken and his brow furrows as he takes a step closer to you.        
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purplesurveys · 3 years
Text
1017
survey by lets-make-surveys
1 - Are you one of those people who can watch TV shows and movies over and over again without getting bored? Yeah this is pretty much my approach to all of my favorites. if a show or movie is able to join that club, then I automatically have no problem watching it over and over. Case in point, Friends for TV shows and The Proposal for movies.
2 - If you drink coffee, do you like it plain or would you rather have something like a latte or something flavoured? I never take coffee black. I mean I’ve had a few sips of it from friends’ cups before, but it just made me miserable loooool.
3 - How did you used to dress ten years ago? Do you dress in a similar way now? Ten years ago I was 12 and had no fashion sense whatsoever. I just put on whatever hand-me-down I got or whatever my mom would get me when she’d go window shopping. Didn’t really start putting in effort in my outfits until the end of high school.
4 - When you’re grocery shopping, do you buy known brands or are you happy to go with the generic store version? Known brands, because most of the time they end up having a better quality as well. 
5 - Do you have a close relationship with any of your cousins? I’m super close with only one cousin, the eldest one on my mom’s side. He’s pretty much like an older brother to me and my siblings. Everyone else on my mom’s side is too young for me to get truly close with; my cousins on my dad’s side are too shy and also live too far away for me to be able to keep up a close relationship with them.
6 - Who was the last person to sleep over at your house? Does this person stay over often or was it more of a one-off? Gabie, I think. She stayed over a lot before, but obviously not anymore.
7 - Does bad weather put you off going out if you’ve got plans to do so? Have you ever cancelled plans due to the weather? Only if a typhoon is really strong; like now, and how they actually had to cancel work today because of the power outages everywhere and because residents in other cities are already being brought to evacuation centers where they can be safe. I had no idea work suspensions were a thing lmao so I was glad to read the message today; I didn’t know how I was going to work with only data and limited battery for both my phone and laptop (power’s been out in our house since 1 AM). :(
8 - When you’re on vacation, do you prefer doing the typical tourist things, or would you rather explore somewhere off the beaten track? I will enjoy a tourist thing or two, but otherwise I’d focus on the less-explored or less-visited attractions. It’s usually the museums or historical landmarks, which is a shame.
9 - Did your family travel a lot when you were younger? From the time I turned 11, which I think was the time my dad got a good promotion and money got a lot better at home. We’d go for vacations locally and abroad every time he was home, which was every 5-6 months.
10 - When was the last time you went shopping for clothes? Did you get anything decent or find any bargains? Around March, I think. Yeah, I found two tops that were both bargains.
11 - Is it true that accessories can make or break an outfit? For sure. With me, it’s bags.
12 - What is your worst memory from high school? What about the best? The absolute worst that I can remember was when we had to role-play as our chosen character in the novel we were taking up in Filipino class; and for some wild reason I chose the most extravagant, bitchiest, flamboyant character...for whom I do not have even the slightest acting chops. When I got to the front of the classroom that’s when I realized my mistake, blanked out, realized I wasn’t going to be able to act as her, and fumbled for the next five minutes. 
My favorite bits from high school were the lunch periods I spent with my friend group. Even if we don’t talk anymore, I’m just grateful I was able to find a home in a group in high school.
13 - Is there any trait in a potential partner that would be a total dealbreaker for you? Right now my biggest dealbreaker is if they aren’t Gabie...lol. Other than that, I imagine being hugely turned off by poor hygiene.
14 - Do you insist people use coasters if they’re putting drinks down in your house? No. I wish we did have coasters as I find them aesthetically pleasing haha, but my mom doesn’t find them necessary
15 - Have you ever been arrested? Were you guilty of whatever it is you were arrested for? Never been.
16 - Name five items on the shelf nearest to you: I don’t have shelves in my room.
17 - After meals, do you wash dishes up right away, or do you leave them in the sink and do a whole days worth at once? I leave them in the sink and soak it with water and dishwashing soap for an hour or so, so that by the time I get back to it it’s easier and quicker to wash. So I do leave them, but I don’t wait until I have 4353894753246 dishes to wash by the end of the day.
18 - What websites do you find yourself spending the most time on? These days I’m primarily on Google Suite, honestly. Work eats up my week.
19 - Do you still download music and TV shows? No. Nearly all media I consume these days is thanks to an online subscription. The only exception is YouTube, I think.
20 - Does your phone have a good battery life? How long does it last before you need to charge it again? I don’t know how it fares compared to other brands, but I’m generally okay with my phone’s battery life. It lasts around 2-3 hours if used continuously, but if I’m out all day and on the go, it can last a whole day with me.
21 - When was the last time you hit snooze? Yesterday.
22 - Did you ever play The Sims? Which expansion pack was your favourite, if you had any? I did play The Sims a lot before – mostly Sims 2 on the PS2, Sims 2 Pets on the PSP, and Sims 4 on the PS4. I never explored the expansion packs too much, though.
23 - Are there any popular film series or TV shows that you just don’t get the appeal of? Game of Thrones and any Marvel movie.
24 - As a child, did you receive pocket money or an allowance? How much did you get? Was it dependent on you doing chores of some kind? Eh, not really. I didn’t receive an allowance of any kind until I was in high school when I started to be given P100 (roughly $2) a day, which was enough for snacks and lunch. No, I didn’t do chores to get the money.
25 - Do you think your parents did a good job of raising you? Would you do anything differently with your own kids? They taught me manners, showing respect, and different values like recognizing my privilege, giving to the poor, understanding my enemies in school, etc. But my childhood seriously lacked emotional maturity, physical affection, and, generally...just being treated like a kid; and I definitely feel the effects from these until today. I was already yelled at from age 5, and that has made me afraid of anyone who ever so slightly raises their voice. I’d do a lot of things differently with my own kid/s.
26 - If something is bothering you, do you have to fix it right away? Not always. Sometimes I run away from it first.
27 - Are there any household jobs you enjoy doing? If so, what’s the reason that you enjoy those things? This isn’t much of a chore as washing dishes or cleaning the bathroom, but I love making my bed. It gives me a sense of productivity and accomplishment, and it’s honestly a form of self-care. I always have the option of letting my bed stay messy and then feeling like shit about it the whole day, so when I do make my bed and fold up my blanket and everything, it gets a little easier to pat myself on the shoulder.
28 - Do you still live in the area you grew up in? Would you like to live somewhere else one day? Where would you go? Yeah, we literally just moved to the village right next to the one I grew up in. I’ve lived here nearly all my life, so I can’t wait to move someplace else. In the city, preferably; with skyscrapers and the constant sound of traffic, construction, and people walking. I feel I’d be happier there.
29 - Do you smoke, drink or do drugs? How old were you the first time you tried those things?  Do you want to quit? I drink, vape, and smoke, but I’m not reliant on any of these. I had my first drink at 18, and I smoked and vaped for the first time when I was 21. No, I don’t have plans to quit.
30 - What’s one thing that really grosses you out? Is it something you have to deal with anyway? How do you cope? Cockroaches. Sometimes we’ll see a cockroach roaming around the house, but it’s super rare so I wouldn’t say I regularly deal with them. I cope by yelling for my mom or dad to come kill it, ha.
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celestianstars · 4 years
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So I'm going to tell you why I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, It's kinda long so I'm sorry in advance for it but I just need to vent ok? So I meet my ex boyfriend at a charity event (that he didn't wanted to go but his parents made him because it would be good for his family image), I really wanted to (1)
be at that charity because I really like to help people, we talked, he is handsome and showed interest so I foolishly agreed to keep seeing him until we eventually started dating, I never played attention to all the red flags in our relationship until yesterday, we went to have dinner to a seafood restaurant, hw knows I hate seafood but he loves them so he always made me eat them and I did because he wanted it
and if the handsome doctor who everyone likes tells you to do it then I should do it, he has always been the one who decides what we eat and drink so after he made me change my clothes because he thought they made me look like a cow (yes, he called me a cow) we made it to dinner and I was eating the repulsive food he ordered for me I started to tell him that I wanted to be different this year, travel with my friends, study a master and just try to be a better and happier human, he laughed at me that fucking bastard
and then he told me it didn't matter what I wanted because I was only going to have his children and wait for him to come home, I went mental at that point and started to talk back to him in what I thought was a bratty moment but instead of calmly tell me to stop he slapped me in front of everyone while continuing laughing, he has hit me before but it hurt more this time and the humiliation of it happening on public and that nobody did anything just looked so I broke up with him and asked a waitress to help me with a taxi while he continued yelling at me
my friends tell me I made a mistake and should go back to him because he is handsome and rich but I was miserable with him and don't want to because yes he can give me a wealthy life but, is it worth being sad and scared all the time? (5, last one I am sorry)
———
Oh my god I just wanna give you the biggest hug and tell you that you don’t have to be sorry or apologize to me or anyone for anything. I’m so happy you ended it with him and I hope you’re safe right now and don’t have to see him or be around him ever again 💖
Your friends are the next ones who need to leave because they’re dead wrong about you making a mistake, you were miserable and being emotionally and physically abused and no amount of financial security or handsomeness makes that ok ever and you were absolutely right to break it off with him because you deserve better!
You said he’s a doctor and maybe this is petty of me but honestly I’m not sure if there’s a way you can report him or get him in trouble but people should absolutely know that a doctor who took an oath to do no harm is abusing women and what he’s done and said to you shouldn’t go unpunished and I hope every ounce of karma and bad fortune reaches him. Like shit I’ll beat his ass on your behalf I cannot believe he did that to you.
Please try not to place blame on yourself for being with him, maybe you ignored the red flags and it was a mistake but you believed that he was right and that you should listen to him because he’s got more authority in that respect but every bit of the fault truly belongs to him for treating you like trash.
Calling you a cow, the controlling behavior, hitting you? Unforgivable and despicable and I wish you all the best going forward in healing and feeling safe and happy again without him 💖💖💖
You’re brave for sharing this with me and thank you for trusting me with your story too. I’m always here to talk or if you wanna update me on things too, I love you whoever you are and know you deserve far better and I’m so proud of you for leaving him.
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unrequited-words · 4 years
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I haven't really updated in a really long time. I think once I left my husband and moved in with my boyfriend and tried to have some semblance of normalcy I had wanted to be pretty private. for a decade I've always communicated my feelings by blogging here and now that I'm older I kind of wanted some privacy.
I am 16 weeks and two days pregnant depending when this post's it'll probably be 3 days. And I feel really fucking alone. I have no family here in Utah, his sister-in-law is the biggest fucking cunt I have ever met, his nephew as one of the most spoiled motherfukers I have ever met and his niece is the spitting image of his sister-in-law and very very fucking spoiled.
His sister-in-law has fucking balls. She has no common decency, she clearly doesn't want us living with her which is really fucking ironic considering almost two decades ago she was in the same position that we are in. The only difference? She doesn't have to fucking be quarantined while pregnant she doesn't have to struggle looking for a job while being fucking quarantined and more importantly she doesn't have someone who has a huge distain for family living with her and her husband.
I was going up the stairs earlier to throw away a bag of trash and she came through the door of the garage and she fucking saw me coming up those motherfuking stairs and instead of holding the door open she fucking closed it while I was 3/4 of the way up the stairs and I'm like are you fucking kidding me?
Later that day, I was waiting to put a fork in the dishwasher and she was already there getting silverware because she was making dinner for her family and instead of opening it for me she fucking closed it when I was literally fucking behind her and I'm like what the fuck is your damage I know you don't like me there I know I'm just another number I know I'm just another girl in his life
but have some commented fucking decency if I wasn't pregnant and if I wasn't in the situation where this is the only place we were living and if we had more options I would fucking confront her and I would State what the fuck is your damage why are you treating us like for fucking second-class citizens? Do you not remember 15 + years ago you were in the same fucking situation and my boyfriend never ever treated you the way you treat us he was never in your fucking face about almost $400 he was not in your face about eating too much fucking yogurt he was always nice and kind to you
I know times are really freaking hard right now but what the fuck is her problem? She doesn't talk to me she clearly doesn't like me sitting in her kitchen I don't fucking get it I know we come from different backgrounds but my vision of family is if I was in the position of having all of my responsibilities taking care of and my brother came to me and was in a position of I really need help I would be like pack your shit and get over here now I wouldn't treat them like shit because they aren't working due to this fucking pandemic I wouldn't treat them differently because I don't want anyone living with me
it's going to get to a point where we have our shit together and I will fucking say something to her because I'm not the type of person to hold back and I've been holding my tongue for almost two fucking months . . .
In other news I am 16 weeks and pregnant with a girl my soon-to-be-ex-husband decided his health problems are so significant that he can't work anymore even though his company was willing to work with him and he quit his motherfuking job and you know what that means for me? It means I get to look for fucking state health insurance I get to be on fucking food stamps and on cash assistance because of the situation I'm currently in I don't regret quitting my shit job because I would walk through fucken fire for my boyfriend and I wouldn't have a second guess about it
I just think it's so hilarious that the year 2020 continuously is fucking with me and shiting on me I don't get it like this is supposed to be the happiest time of my life and instead of being able to do the things I used to be able to do like go on a walk or you no go to fucking work I'm basically 16 living with my dad walking on fucking eggshells in the fucking basement
I feel like I'm a fucking number to them like I'm just another girl for my boyfriend. He got married pretty young at 22 and his marriage dissolved because his wife at the time was such a fucking child. with his second marriage she completely used him he was worth at least six figures and she fucking used him and cheated on him and was okay with cheating on him because of how she was raised. They have two kids together and I can't tell you how many times over the last year he has cried with me as I held him and he is like I wanted these babies
but I married a fucking whore not knowing she was a fucking whore and she fucking used me and he keeps asking me over and over why are you here, Suzanne? I told him because I want to be here because I believe I truly wholeheartedly believe I can raise him up to be better than what he is right now and he can do the same for me . I'm not saying this is a mistake and I know I jumped in head-first but I waited to be with him while my marriage fell apart and I talked to him daily and I'm not scared that it's not going to work I just want some fucking normalcy!
I want to live in a house where I don't have someone giving me a fucking dirty look for using their dishes or not even being fucking considerate or coming at me in my face over fucking money and I hate saying it but she is a miser and a fucking do and she wasn't like this before according to him and he told me the other night he's like I'm just done with her she's changed and I think he kind of hopes that get divorced they were going to last year but I don't know why he fucking stayed I don't know why his brother stayed I know his brother loves her but from my perspective and from what I know sometimes love is not enough sometimes people change and they really show you their true colors in the beginning and you're so dumb about being head over heels in love with them and having kids with them that you fucking ignore it
I don't think his current wife ever supported him the way I emotionally support him. It takes him to drink for all of his walls to come down I can't tell you how many times I've held him in our old house and let him cry and just because they're trying to hold him up. and that's what I've wanted all along is someone to understand the fucking hell I went through when I lost my mom or trying to figure out why my brother raped me are trying to figure out why my dad believed my brother and not me I'm trying to understand addiction when it came to my mother but I haven't really like cried in front of him but I've really been to it to him about my upbringing and he fucking hates my family for the shit they put me through and he's like he just need to fucking forget them because they're pieces of shit and they are continually dragging you down and you're still living in the past and everyday when you talk to me it's always about your dead mother or your brother or your dad died and he's like you're not going to do this to our kid you're not going to be living in the past pining over family thought you had when I'm here family and this baby is your family and I knew he was right and I'm just right now so busy trying to keep my head above water and trying to grow this baby and it's really difficult being in the situation Im in
It's really gotten to the point to where even though his sister-in-law works from home because of the quarantine I wait until the last possible moment to where I can't wait any longer and I go upstairs and eat. I don't do it on purpose but I don't want to be around this batch. I don't want to have the fucking dirty look I mean she doesn't even do that to her own kids because they're her own kids or her even her husband and I know she doesn't want us to live in there but she's a fucking hypocrite
like I just I don't get it I don't have parents alive anymore both of my parents are dead and I don't get to share the joy of this pregnancy with them and it's fucking killing me that I can't call my mom and ask her what she did when she was pregnant what to do when the baby won't stop crying and I have to figure it out on my own I don't have a good relationship with my three oldest Brothers with the first and the third
I haven't really spoken to them since my mom died I haven't seen them since my mom died and even though we follow each other on social media and we have each other's numbers they don't fucking call one of them said all I promise to do better and he's such a fucking liar and a flake and the oldest one his wife just had a baby a month ago and I still haven't seen any pictures besides the one of him being first born and I even asked him can you send me pictures but I just find it so fucking ironic that he can go on Facebook live and bitch about what's going on
but he can't send me fucking pictures of his family talk about motherfuking priorities and my second oldest brother I saw him before I moved and it was really good seeing him I can't we all have families and we all have fucking lives but at the end of the day how hard is it to pick up the fucking phone and to call your sister?
It has been a current theme in my life for the past ten fucking years of wandering why don't they call me? If I cross your mind why don't they text me? but at the end of the day I have been the one that's reached out and taking pictures of their family and their kids I have spent my own fucking money on baby showers and on birthday gifts and when I'm looking for the same in return I'm probably going to get dead fucking silence I bet you that now
He'd even discussing this on social media because at the end of the day my brothers aren't going to fucking change and they're going to be like why I don't receive pictures of your baby? Why can't I see my niece? Well motherfucker why haven't you sent me pictures of your kids when I've been nothing but good to them why I have traded them like my own and I think they tend to forget that one of their wives did everything and want her pregnancies to not have a child?
when I begged and pleaded God to give me a child and it took me leaving my marriage and getting with my boyfriend to get fucking pregnant I mean yes I'm living the dream but I shouldn't be 16 weeks pregnant and fucking in tears articulating my feelings because my immediate family is complete dogshit and it has nothing to do with politics has everything to do with her fucking character and I know men are different than women and pain at the end of the day why the fuck don't they reach out when I literally have no fucking family here in Utah? The only person I have is my best friend and her husband and her six-month-old and I'm only going to have them for a couple more months because at the end of the year they're moving to Texas and that's when I know for fucking sure I will be alone
I don't get it. I am one of the most loving, kind, considerate people in the universe and when I expect them to have the same part as I do to have the same vision of family as I do it's like I can't even be met halfway and I don't know what's worse being pregnant and feeling alone with no family or suffering several horrible miscarriages or watching your mom take her last breath two two stage for right adrenal cancer or even having your own brother rape you and not being fucking believed for a decade and being treated like dog shed I really don't know what's worse
Please, universe if you hear me GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.
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jay-p-official · 4 years
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Validation
Dedicated to my baby, who taught me how to be content.
So it’s lock down and we know we isolate because of this current Corona Virus. I had a thought to write something that is based on my own thought. Must be the fact that it comes from one thought that sparked this “Change”, I know some of us think that we perfect the way we are. Me I don’t think I can be perfect yet, as perfection is a relative term. So I made this decision in myself to keep the chisel ready always.  
I see myself as a rock and if my life has these workers at work on me at all times. These workers are called situations, people, experiences and the biggest master of them God. He inspects me daily. The faults he finds, he never makes it public and it’s personal and the workers I meet, changes me, they form me and shape me.
When I think of how my faults are highlighted on a personal way, I think of a soft light, a book open, in this book a huge hand appears, the hand picks and highlights my faults, all the faults corrected on me as the faults crossed off the list. One fault at a time, he perfects me. I know that I have the most of faults. I make so many mistakes it is hard to believe that God can love me. I feel like so far away from perfect.
Luckily like the rehab statement says, I am never cured, but I know one day at a time I can. I know one day at a time, I can get to perfection. Luckily, perfection is a life long journey that one embarks on the moment you can perceive what is right from wrong.
Today I want to discuss a fault many make, a fault of self-validation. We are a media generation and we want people to say how beautiful we are on the gram’s and FB’s and all over where we post. If we post some photograph in 5 Minutes, we expect a reply of some sort, we expect a like and expect a positive reaction within the day. We would even check our phones to see how many liked it.
Forgive me if I say, but being media minded on some of work I do, it does boost the media on my work. I get it if your business marketing depends on the like of a post, it is important I get it. Just don’t let the validation that comes from it run and regulate your life so that you expect validation from it all the time.
If our lives are regulated by someone’s comment, their post or their opinion on us, we will never learn to be ourselves around others, we will always be consumed and uncomfortable to wondering what they say about us and what their opinion will be on us. We will always try and find validation in what people say write or say us.
I get it makes us feel good about ourselves and nothing wrong in it to feel good. But there is a balance to letting your whole self-worth depending on it.
For example let’s imagine Sarah for a moment. A 17 year old Girl, who posts on Grams. Now everyday she posts a lovely photograph. The whole day she is miserable, waiting for a notification and has a pained look on her face, upset with parents, moody and looking really down. She hasn’t received any real or much feedback. Now she is depressed.
Until someone validates that she is pretty and rad’ and hot she cannot move on and feel so alive. Once the comment comes in and the likes steam in, she feels alive, and her self-worth is validated by opinions and comments. Her whole state of being depends on others not on what she is and who she is; her self-image is built on the opinions of others.Not to mention the long term issues this will bring upon her life.
Why does so much of our happiness and self-worth rely on what others say and think of us? Why does so much of what we do depend on what others are going to say? Why do I have to sit and rely on others for my happiness?
I can’t buy my happiness and I can’t rely here on others to be happy. I can’t validate myself with words of affirmation and I can’t depend on the likes, opinions and comments of others. The state of my well-being does not depend on opinions.
It depends on God, me and what I know of myself. It depends on who you know you are. If you know what you bring to the table and you know your worth then no amount of opinions can make up your worth.
Don’t wait for someone to make up an opinion of you to make a choice of happiness. Don’t let the light in eyes disappear because of some faulty opinion; keep the light ablaze by knowing your worth.
Remind yourself of your worth and tend to your life by being a light to others and lead them to a better place. Most of all be yourself, be true to you. Speaking from experience, if you lie to others by putting up a show and hide behind the mask you have on, you will never be happy.
Next time you post choose to make it a memory instead of validation on how you feel about yourself. Don’t worry about perfection, work at it day by day and remember who you are.  True happiness is being you and doing it in style and not worrying about the opinions of others.
So…what are you waiting for? Don’t wait for anyone. Do it yourself
Validate yourself… POST
 Love
Jay P
Remember to get Your copy of Arise (the Fire, the power and the glory) from Jay P Joubert now on all Major Media Online Stores Worldwide or order it after Lock down from your nearest Bookstore.
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rosemary-morgan · 5 years
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John Marston X F.Reader: Archangel - Part 2
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Hello dear friends ;) Here comes the second part of “Archangel” This story has been requested by @micau2 ^____^
Also this time you will find a link to a song in the middle of the text. And I want to thank everyone, for the likes, reblogs and comments. Thank you very much, dear ones!!! 
Please excuse some mistakes. English isn´t my native language
First Part / Third Part / Fourth Part
Warning: sexual harassment, sexual abusement
(¯`v´¯)                                                         (¯`v´¯) `*.¸.*´                                                        `*.¸.*´ ¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨) (`’·.¸(`’·.¸  ¸.·’´) ¸.·’´)  (¨*•.¸ (¨*•.¸`•.¸ (¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•               •`¯¨• ¸¸ `•. `•.¸) `•.¸)
`*.¸.*´
Archangel part 2
You still couldn´t believe that you were back on a ranch. It's almost as if you were awakening from a nightmare and your family was waiting for you in that house. You imagine how nice it would be if they came out of this door at any moment and you could run into their arms. But you knew that this was just a dream. A dream that tore your heart to pieces. You felt tears forming in your eyes and you tried to hold them back. But that wasn´t easy, because the memories of your loss were too fresh. Of course, John didn´t miss the fact that you were sad, but what should he do? He sighed softly and looked at you worriedly, but he decided to say nothing. He wasn´t good at dealing with feelings and sometimes he could be a real clumsy guy. So he didn´t want to say anything wrong and you followed John silently, looking at the ground all the time. It would take a long time for you to deal with your loss, but you also knew that you would never forget what had happened to you.
"There's one more room left", John said, leading you to Jack's former room. It was a bit dusty because John hadn´t stepped in since Abigail's departure. You took a look through this room and discovered some interesting history books. "Make yourself comfortable. I'm sorry it's pretty dusty." "It´s alright. I'll take care of it tomorrow", you said, giving the young man a warm smile. The room was big and cozy and you really appreciated Johns kind offer. "Um... I guess you know more than me, how it works on a ranch. So I don´t need to tell you much about it", John said with a smile. He was still quite a beginner in working on a ranch, but he knew that you spent your whole life on a farm. "Okay, John. See you tomorrow." "Yes." John smiled at you before he opened the door. "Goodnight, John." "Goodnight."
As John left the room, the eerie silence that so tormented your soul surrounds you again. Sobbing, you lay down on the bed and you burst into tears. Secretly and quietly you gave yourself to your feelings. >> I miss you all! Oh, dad! I miss you so much! << What was your life worth to you? After everything was taken away from you? Nothing was left to you! Nothing! This life no longer made sense to you. It was painful to think about it, but that's how you felt. Alone and useless. You were very desperate and the enormous debt your father left you caused you sleepless nights. You were afraid. Afraid of the future. "Oh, dear God... please help me", you whispered and lie down in your bed, crying and snuggling up against the pillow. There was no restful night for you and the result could be seen the next morning. You were completely exhausted and all your bones hurt. You didn´t want to look in the mirror. Your eyes were probably swollen. Sighing hard, you torture yourself from your bed and get ready for this day. The only light you had in your life now was the company of John Marston on this beautiful ranch. Soon everything would turn out well. At least that's what you were hoping for.
John had heard you cry last night. It wasn´t as if he had overheard you, but your room was right next to his and when it was quiet in this house, you heard every noise. He knew how hard it was to fight through life alone. John had lost his parents when he was a kid, but he had been lucky enough to find a new family and he also knew the meaning of problems. Heavy problems had burdened John in his past, but he had overpowered them, and he was sure you could do it. And John wouldn´t leave you alone with your problems...
A few weeks later...
John had just finished his work when you came back from Strawberry. When John saw you, he smiled satisfied. You were a great help to him on his ranch and you were a very pleasant, calm and kind person. He also finds you were very pretty. But unfortunately, you were so sad and John was worried about you. "Oh, sweetheart... what should I do to make you feel better?", he whispered to himself, shaking his head and sighing softly. But John didn´t want to let you know that he was worried about you, so he forced himself to smile and he greets you. "Hey there!" You were very grateful to John for lending you his carriage for your way to Strawberry. You get off the carriage and you tried to smile. You didn´t want to show him how bad you felt right now. "Hello, John..." Your eyes looked to the ground and you swallow a little. John had no idea what terrible day you had behind you. Dr. Whiteberry couldn´t resist it. Again. All-day long he didn´t miss any opportunity to touch you and he had been making tasteless remarks.
As good as you could, you had been trying to ignore Doctor Whiteberry's harassment, but that has been going on for several weeks and you had to admit that you were afraid that Doctor Whiteberry would someday do something worse to you. But what should you do? You couldn´t just stop working in the doctor's office. You urgently needed this money. You had no choice but to endure Doctor Whiteberry's harassment.
"You don´t look well, (Y/N)." "I... uhm... I'm just very exhausted John, and I... I have a headache.", you said and hoped that John wouldn´t ask any more questions about your condition. But just as you already knew John, he wasn´t a curious person. "I'll prepare the dinner", you said. John would like to offer you to cook by himself, but he was just miserable at cooking. "We have enough bread and dried beef in the kitchen. You better rest, (Y/N). " You sighed softly and a small smile crossed your lips. John was a nice guy and he seemed worried about you. "Don´t worry about me, John, I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow."
But you knew it better. You were trapped in a cruel circle and you would never get out of it. Should you tell John about it? Of the things Dr. Whiteberry did? It wouldn´t be a mistake, but as I said before, you were afraid to lose your job. You just couldn´t afford that! And where should you find a new job on the fast track? At the saloon? No never! There you would only be surrounded by drunken men who weren´t much better than your boss.
John looked at you thoughtfully and he frowned. Something was gnawing at your soul. Apart from your loss, there was something else you didn´t want to tell him. He couldn´t and didn´t want to force you to reveal anything to him, but it was clear to see that you weren´t feeling well. "Okay", he finally said. "Well, uhm... if you want to talk?" "Talk? No..." You shook your head and looked down again, took a deep breath. "I... I'll retire. See you tomorrow, John." You passed the handsome man and John was quite surprised that you were already retreating to your room. It was just 6 p.m. Weren´t you hungry? "(Y/N)? Don´t you want to eat?" "No, John, I'm not hungry...", you said and in that one moment, when you looked into John's eyes, he had seen the fear in your eyes. But what are you afraid of? "Okay. Well then... goodnight to you, (Y/N)." "Goodnight, John."
John wondered for the rest of the evening and he didn´t know what to do to help you. How could he help you if you don´t tell him what's bothering you? "I don´t like this...", John whispered to himself as he laid his legs on the table and stared into the fireplace. The crackle of the fire was very relaxing and John was lost in thought. He sighed and shook his head. What should he do?
More days passed and you withdrew more and more. It looked like you gave yourself up. You don´t eat much and you cry a lot. John wasn´t stupid and he wasn´t blind either. What the hell was wrong with you? John had come to a point where he didn´t care if you wanted to talk to him or not, but he finally wanted to know what was bothering you. He liked you very much and he couldn´t stand to see you suffer so much. He searched for you and found you at Zechariah's side.
Animals had a calming effect on you and Zechariah was a very special animal for you. He was so lovely and he was especially happy to be fed and caressed by you. "Oh... my pretty boy, you're a good boy, Zechariah, such a good boy", you whispered. "(Y/N)!" You get a little startled when you hear John's voice. You turn to the young man in surprise. "Hello, John..." "We need to talk!" John sounded serious and he wouldn´t let you go this time. Not this time. You moved away from John's horse and approach the young man. "About what, John?" John frowned as he looked at you. Did you really think you could fool him? Even the biggest moron would see that you weren´t feeling well and that you had a big problem! Why are you still trying to hide this from him? That makes John angry.
"Don´t you think it's time, to be honest with me instead of lying to me all the time?!" John's sharp tone made you swallow. You knew that you couldn´t fool him for a long time. "John I- I..." "What's wrong with you?!" You avoid his gaze and looked down, but John put his fingers under your chin and lifted your face so he could look you straight in the eyes. "Answer me!" But you turn your face away and fight with tears. You didn´t want to talk to John about what happened in this doctor's office.
You just couldn´t! You felt soiled and so ashamed and you felt like a prey. And that's what you are. Easy prey for a hungry wolf. And every day, you lived with the fear that your boss might even put you on your back to take what he desires. "You know the reason! What more do you want?", you said aggressively and you wanted to get away from him, but John grabbed your arm and stopped you. Your body tensed noticeably as he did so. You couldn´t bear physical closeness. "Stop fooling me, (Y/N)! You know exactly what I mean!" John embraced your tender shoulders and looked straight into your eyes, which were filled with sadness and fear. John sighed heavily and shook his head. "I just want to help you, (Y/N)! Why don´t you give me the chance?" You swallow hard and bite your lower lip. You desperately try to hold back your tears and you succeeded, but your eyes glowed with tears.
Still, you didn´t give him an answer and John keep asking you questions. "Are there any problems with your work?" When you heard that, you felt caught and by your reaction, John could see that he had hit a sore spot. So he was right! That's what John thought, but you deny it. "There are no problems with my work! And now please let me go, you're hurting me, John!" John swallowed hard as you said that and he instantly took his hands off of you. He didn´t want to hurt you. "I'm sorry, (Y/N)! I didn´t mean to hurt you!" "It's okay... but I want to be alone now!", you said and went back into the house. You were thankful that he finally left you alone. John looked desperately after you and shook his head. "Shiiit ..."
The next day was like all the other days for you: like hell.
Doctor Whiteberry bothered you and touched you whenever he had the chance. But today he was particularly possessive and outrageous and you were afraid. You were scared of this man and his closeness made you so nervous. Your hands were shaking and you couldn´t hide that sight either. Very much to Doctor Whiteberry's pleasure. He was sitting on his writing desk, watching you clean and scrub the glasses. You were very nervous and the doctor could see that clearly. He grinned and looked at your beautiful body. Oh, your body was so seductive and your flesh was so young and firm. You could feel his eyes on your body, even though you had your back turned to him. You couldn´t stand it anymore and you wanted to get away from here as fast as possible. Just far away. Back home to John and the animals. Suddenly you hear his footsteps and your boss approached you. Your heart is beating fast and you felt like someone was shutting your throat. Cold sweat ran down your spine and your hands spasmed the glass and you stood rooted on the spot.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nBfbk6-meE&list=OLAK5uy_nXOEYpM0noCiFEeMFh3zPt9DEm0bQSU0A&index=22
"Ohh... you're always so tense, my dear!" His hand stroked your arm, slowly, and you felt goosebumps over your body. He disgusted you and you closed your eyes as he stroked your hair aside to expose your tender neck. He kissed your neck and covered your hand with his fingers. "Be careful, dear, otherwise this glass will fall", he whispered to you. You couldn't stand it anymore and you pulled yourself out of his grip. "Stop it, Doctor! Why don´t you leave me alone?!" But the Doctor just chuckled softly and grabbed your hip, pressing you against his body and reaching for your wrist. You let the glass fall in fright, which broke into many pieces when it landed on the ground. "You are so innocent and I like that!" "No! Stop it!" "Come on, honey! I just want to have fun!" Doctor Whiteberry drove you over his writing desk and leaned down to kiss you greedy. That was more than disgusting and you claw your fingers in his shoulders, trying to push him away from you. "NO!" "Come on girl! Don´t be so shy! I know you like it that way!" "Nooo! Don´t touch me!"
What neither you nor Doctor Whiteberry knew was, that John was in Strawberry right now to convince himself that you were alright. Normally, it wasn´t John's way of spying on you, but he had to find out the truth. He was worried about you and that was the only reason he did that. Something was wrong with this Doctor Whiteberry, and this feeling was confirmed to John as he stood in front of the doctor's office and watched through the window. This man lay on top of you, touching you. "What the hell ?!" John couldn´t believe his eyes. What did this pig do to you? John clearly saw that you didn´t like the situation you were in at all. Without hesitation, John stormed the doctor's office. Frightened, you looked to the door when you hear the loud bang and to your relief it was John. You couldn´t describe how happy you were about seeing him. Your guardian angel, who was always with you at the right time. "Take your filthy hands off her, you goddamn pig!" John grabbed the man and threw him off of you. Immediately, John placed himself protectively in front of you and you put your hands on his shoulders, clawing at his shirt tenderly. "John...", you whispered with relief and buried your face against his back. What would have happened if John hadn´t come? Would Doctor Whiteberry have raped you? One thing was certain: Doctor Whiteberry had long been waiting for an opportunity to make you his own.
"DON´T TOUCH HER YOU SON OF A BITCH! What kind of man are you? Abusing your workers like that?!" "Hey, calm down boy! She wanted it!" "Shut your mouth! You wanted to rape her!" But Doctor Whiteberry just laughed and John glared at him. He would beat the shit out of this bastard. And John was about to lose his mind. He would never forget the things he had seen before. How this man leaned over you and touched you. Your tears and your desperate attempt to free yourself from him.
"To rape her?! Pah! This woman has been provoking me since she arrived! She wanted me to fuck her!" It was enough! John went over to your boss and grabbed him by the collar, threw him against the medicine cupboard which was made of glass. This one broke up in many pieces when Doctor Whiteberry shattered in. You fold your hands over your mouth and looked in shock at John. "John, no!" John would get into big trouble. Doctor Whiteberry was pretty highly regarded in Strawberry. But John didn´t listen to you. He grabbed your tormentor again on his collar and hit him several times with his fist in the face. You rush to your guardian angel and reach for his arm. "John, I beg you, stop it! You'll make it worse!"
John grumbled loudly and frowned at you. He simply couldn´t understand, that you are protecting this man. But that was not the point! You wanted to protect John, not Doctor Whiteberry! But John wasn´t aware of that right now. But he didn´t want you to beg him and he let go of that bastard. "You're in luck, you horsefucker! If we ever meet again, I'll kill you!"
John silently led you outside. You still couldn´t believe what had happened in this doctor's office. With trembling fingers, you brush through your hair and stroke your skirt. "Goddamn it, Girl! How long has that been going on?" John asked loudly. You looked up at the young man in disbelief. Why was he so mad at you? Johny was angry because he couldn't understand that you hid that situation from him. What was going on in your mind?! Why didn´t you tell him the truth? Why didn´t you tell him that your boss was a pig?! John was incredibly mad at you. Simply because you mean a lot to him and he wanted to protect you. He could have helped you! He would never have let you enter this doctor's office ever again! John abruptly reached for your arms and looked you straight in the eyes.
"Have you completely lost your mind ?! He was about to rape you!" "You´re hurting me, John!", you whine softly and try to free yourself from his grip, but John wasn´t done with you yet. "How long has this been going on, (Y/N)? Has he raped you?!" John's stormy and fiery nature made this situation unbearable for you. You reached out with your hand and slapped him in the face. John looked at you speechless and he released you immediately. You ran away and you thought, it would be better to rent a room at the hotel for this night. "(Y/N)! (Y/N)!" John called after you, but you ignore him. You just wanted to be left alone ...
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chain-unchained · 5 years
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June 1 - Mistakes
(what is perspective, iunno)
Hoo boy, the first taste of Shane’s real struggles. I think this cutscene specifically is what won me over with him, because you can tell that he’s unhappy and hates what he’s become, you can see the guilt he carries for exposing Jas to it and for being such a burden to Marnie after she opened her home up to him. It’s the first real glimpse at just how deep and realistic his character is, and I really wanted to do him justice with my writing ;-; cos I wuv him.
Summers in the valley were always hot and humid, especially in Pelican Town thanks to its proximity to the ocean. It could get quite miserable during the peak of the season, especially for those who weren’t used to the climate—and especially when the season opened up on a scorcher like it did this year.
Yet work on a farm waited for no man, and there was much work to be done in preparing Ashe’s fields for the summer crops; with the money he’d earned during spring, he was able to expand his fields and plant more for a (hopefully) bigger harvest come the end of summer. Even if it meant working himself to the bone, he was determined to expand.
It was for that reason that it was quite late in the day by the time he dropped by Marnie’s Ranch; he was a regular face there by that point, and Marnie couldn’t help but be relieved when he finally came trudging in through the door.
“Goodness, I was starting to wonder if something happened.” She commented with a laugh as Ashe carefully shut the door behind him. “You’re usually so punctual on the weekends. I guess it’s been a busy day for you, huh?”
“You could say that.” Ashe made his way over to the counter where Marnie spent her time during business hours and set a basket filled with flowers from his spring harvest on top. “Here, I brought these for you and Jas to thank you for being so patient with me last season.”
“Oh, my goodness.” Marnie got up from the stool she had been knitting away on to look at the basket properly. “These are beautiful, Ashe. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’d been farming for years.”
Her praise made Ashe turn red from embarrassment. “I’m glad you think so…” He mumbled with a bashful smile, clasping his hands behind his back and hunching his shoulders as he tucked his chin against his chest. Marnie was like the town mother in a way, not the least of which because she had taken in both Jas and Shane when she realized they needed help. For Ashe, she very quickly filled a void that he was desperate to make whole again. Jas, on the other hand, was much like her godfather—slow to warm up to him, and wary of someone she didn’t know. “Is Shane here? I have some questions for him about chickens.”
“Oh, are you planning on getting some soon?” There was a hopeful tone to Marnie’s voice as she spoke; as a livestock seller, a majority of her income came from selling cattle, poultry and the like, and it would be a real boon to have another client.
“Mmhm. Well, I’m hoping to.” Ashe twisted his torso back and forth slightly. Since he’d spent all his money on buying seeds to plant, he’d have to scrape together the funds for a coop from fishing. Maybe on a rainy day he’d finally take a look inside the mines and see if it was worth the risk going in there… “It’ll be awhile yet, but I want to be prepared. Shane would never let me hear the end of it if I didn’t do things right.”
“Ain’t that the truth.” Marnie couldn’t help but laugh; there were few things in life that Shane was crazy over, and one of those things was chickens—she had an inkling that her nephew knew more about raising hens than she herself did. It was just a shame that he was letting that talent and knowledge go to waste. “In any case, yes, he’s here. He hasn’t left his room all day, the lazy bones.”
Hearing that made Ashe just a little bit concerned. “I wonder if the change in weather’s making him feel ill…” He murmured, bringing the crook of his index finger to his lips in quiet thought. “I definitely didn’t feel too good when I woke up this morning.”
“I feel ya, kiddo.” Marnie agreed. “That’s pretty par for the course here in the valley, though. You’ll get used to it, I’m sure. Anyway, why don’t you go see if you can rouse him? It’s way past time for his butt to get up.”
“Ah, sure.” It felt a little weird, but Ashe really did want to talk to Shane, so he only somewhat reluctantly agreed to the suggestion.
The shop was also their home, with the store area set up in the entryway and living spaces on either side; to the left was a storage area which also led to Jas’ room, directly behind the counter was the door to Marnie’s room, and to the right was the kitchen/living area and Shane’s room. It was the kind of house that had quite clearly seen many years, with worn wooden floorboards that creaked and protested with each footstep Ashe took across them as he made his way to Shane’s bedroom.
As he came to stand before the beaten door—it almost looked as though it had seen a punch or two in its time—he could faintly hear the sound of a TV playing inside, with what sounded like some kind of sports game announcer speaking away in such a muffled voice that it was impossible to make any words out. “Knock-knock.” Ashe called, lightly rapping on the door with his knuckles three times, assuming that Shane was awake since the TV was on. He took a step backwards and waited; after half a minute, there still hadn’t been any response. “Um…. Shane?”
He knocked again, a bit louder—this time, his knocking was enough to push the unlatched door ajar, and Ashe was hit with a wave of booze-scented, humid air as it rushed out through the small crack it had made. Hesitantly, he pushed the door open further, until he was able to step inside. His eyes widened as they fell upon Shane’s motionless form lying helter-skelter across his beer can strewn floor, as though he’d just crumpled like wet paper in the middle of what looked like a serious binge—the smell of alcohol in the air was intense and a little overwhelming. “Shane!”
The sight was enough to make him all but yell as a brief panic gripped him, and he darted towards where his friend lay, dropping to his knees beside him; hearing Ashe’s shout, Marnie immediately hustled as quickly as she could their way, flicking the light switch on in the dark room to illuminate it as Ashe cradled Shane’s head in his hands, lightly smacking his cheeks in an attempt to rouse him. “Oh dear…”
She wished that she could pretend this was the first time this had happened. Oh, how badly she wished she could say that of her nephew. But her heart couldn’t lie, wouldn’t let her deny the fact that this had happened before, and even though she was concerned, she couldn’t bring herself to act surprised anymore. She made her way over, looking down at Shane with a face filled with pain and disappointment. “He’s out cold…”
“…” Ashe let go of Shane’s head and took hold of his shoulders, giving him a vigorous shake in the hopes that it would wake him up; when that failed, he reached into the messenger-style bag that he wore, grabbed hold of his trusty watering can, and proceeded to hold it over his friend’s head and turn it upside down, dumping the contents unceremoniously onto Shane’s face.
It was nothing if not effective; with a snort and a grunt, Shane jerked his head up, blearily opening his bloodshot eyes. “Mmup, mmup!!” He muttered incoherently, quickly pushing himself to sit up as Ashe let out a sigh of relief. It was clear that, while he was still quite inebriated, the shock of the cold water hitting his face was enough to sober him up quite a bit.
The TV which had still been playing in the background abruptly went quiet, as Marnie shut the device off. “What is the matter with you?” She asked in exasperation, setting the remote on top of the TV and turning to face her nephew as he cradled his aching head in his hands. “All you do anymore is mope around your room and drink beer!”
Her words made Shane tense up a little, his face crumpling up in frustration and shame as he turned away from his aunt and Ashe. “You wouldn’t understand…” He mumbled, his well-built frame beginning to quiver just a little.
Marnie and Ashe exchanged a brief look. “I’m worried…” The portly woman murmured, voicing Ashe’s very same thoughts. It was clear that Shane was struggling, and needed help, but he either didn’t want help, or didn’t care enough to seek it. And that was painful for them to see. “What’s your plan?” She prodded, feeling no small amount of frustration at Shane’s slow spiraling descent. “Don’t you ever think about the future?”
Maybe it wasn’t the right thing to do; maybe she should have been more supportive and understanding. But after so many years of trying to hold their broken family together, she was reaching the end of her rope.
“Plan?” Shane let his hands fall from his head into his lap with a defeated, hollow laugh as he looked to the wall, where pictures of him in high school and college hung—pictures of him playing gridball, reaching nationals, earning his diploma, holding a baby Jas with the biggest tearful grin on his face as her parents looked on with smiles. They might as well have been pictures of a different person, and in a sense, they were. “Hopefully I won’t be around long enough to need a ‘plan’…”
The sound of a broken-hearted sob broke the tense, heavy air; unbeknownst to any of them, a worried Jas had been watching the scene unfold from the doorway, her large amethyst eyes glistening with tears as she listened to her beloved godfather outright say that he wanted to die. Realizing that she had heard him, Shane instantly regretted voicing that desire, his eyes widening as he realized how badly he’d just fucked up. “Jas… I’m sorr—!”
Before he could finish speaking, Jas turned on her heels and ran out, the sound of her wails echoing through the hall and breaking all of their hearts. As Marnie went after her, Shane grabbed at the sides of his head, hunching over as he let out a barely repressed yell of frustration. Why was he such a worthless piece of shit? Why couldn’t he pull himself together, if not for anything else but that little girl who he promised to look after? Jas deserved so much better than him…  
He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, stopping him from spiraling down any further; lifting his head a little, he looked to Ashe, who was still sitting by his side; though he didn’t say a word out loud, his eyes spoke a thousand words to Shane in the brief moment that they locked together. Ashe was neither condemning nor condoning what he’d said or done, he wasn’t shaming him for being a useless drunk, and he wasn’t trying to pretend that it was all okay. He was just… there, refusing to let Shane slip any deeper into that dark pit of self-loathing and pity.
“Ashe…” It might have been the first time that Shane had actually used the kid’s name. “… I think I need to be alone right now.” He mumbled, looking away as he wiped some dried drool from the corner of his mouth. “Please.”
He expected Ashe to ignore his request, as he always did; to his surprise, however, Ashe just nodded, giving Shane’s shoulder a gentle squeeze before he got to his feet. “You know where to find me if you need to talk.” He reminded, tucking his watering can back into his bag and giving Shane a half-wave in farewell.
It was a pair of such simple gestures—the honoring his request, and the offer of support. Despite that… “I appreciate it.” Shane’s voice was quiet and filled with shame, but the words were true. He felt like the kid’s kindness was wasted on him, though…
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Taylor Swift’s Current Form of Hell
Some thoughts considering Taylor’s current situation. Feedback is welcome (especially if it can be added to the analysis!), but please don’t @ me to argue that she’s a bully or a bitch. I will eat you. 
Firstly, let’s talk about age. Taylor is 29. Scott and Kim are 38, Kanye is 42. Famous was released in 2016, when Taylor was 26 and Kanye 39. So, not only was it released without her permission, not only was she filmed without her permission, not only did it defame her, not only was it implying sexual promiscuity in return for fame, not only was it entirely beyond the bounds of anything she would’ve agreed to regardless of Kim’s ‘proof’, she was 26. Let that sink in. There is more than a decade between her and Kanye - think about someone a decade older that you (a cousin, uncle or friend) and imagine how you would react (me, I’d go all Tangled on them, and hit them in the face with a saucepan; and that’s my calm reaction). Then remember how you were at 19 - considering that, in 2009, when Kanye said ‘imma let you finish BUT’ she was 19.  Fast forward a little to 2016, and Kanye has 2 children, a wife and an established music career. He should be the elder, the one that understands the industry, the one that works with RESPECT. Taylor is only just older than his second youngest sister-in-law - and you best believe that if something like this happened to Kendall, Kanye would be coming after them. But this ‘feud’ was deemed appropriate, Famous was deemed ‘funny’. Scooter and Justin Bieber and various radio hosts etc have decided that all this is ‘not a big deal’. But there we were, Taylor was 26 and being TAGGED by people a decade older than her in this revenge porn horridness. Is it because we now think it’s okay to be horrible to white girls? Is that it? Is it because she’s American? She certainly isn’t a Trump fan, so we can rule that out. Maybe it’s because Kanye was threatened - maybe it’s because he was made to apologise by Queen B and he’s been looking to reassert his masculinity ever since. Maybe it’s his own past, insecurities, problems. But that in no means makes it okay; nor does it condone the behaviour of his wife and associates like Scooter. Hence, we have defamation, revenge porn and cyber bullying, all of which started when Taylor Swift, pop princess supreme, was 19, 26 and now 29.
One of the people who brought this 2016 pain about, now owns the rights to her music. Sounds a bit iffy (it still has her name on it! you cry), but let’s think about this legally. This means that if Taylor wants to work with, rerelease, remix or reconsider any of HER prior works, she has to a) work with Scooter, b) have the changes approved by Scooter and c) give a portion of the profits to Scooter. And yes, kiddies, that means concerts too. Performing her music, at her concerts, for her fans, is giving her abuser a profit. Imagine having to do that with a high school bully, or say, prior boss that you never really liked, with a report or a paper. Objectively these things are worth nothing, but you did the majority of the work; despite this, it’s technically part of their group or company, so it’s theirs too. It’s like sharing custody of your child with an abusive and absent ex. Except, that child is worth a literal fortune and took 14 years to create; and you’re well aware that your ex will completely abuse their side of the contract for their own amusement.  Furthermore, while she’s sharing those rights, we have to remember that Taylor has no legal recourse - he owns the masters by CONTRACT, that she no doubt signed at one point or another. Now while I have things to say about the lawyers that advised her to sign that contract, please remember that she was just 14 when she entered the industry and that a human female brain does not fully develop until at least 23 (men are develop by 27 but this is about Taylor so I’ll refrain from making that joke today). Business savvy she might be now, but that comes with experience and practice and a good team. People who are good at their job, understand your vision and you trust entirely are hard to find; especially when your vocation is as all encompassing as Taylor’s must be. Perhaps there was a mistake there, perhaps she shouldn’t have signed the contract; but hindsight is 20/20, and perhaps blaming Taylor isn’t the most progressive thing to do.  What is both interesting and considerably more gross, is that Taylor was offered a chance to, quote, ‘earn back’ her masters - not only is this bribery, it’s an attempt to further abuse and power over one of the biggest earners in today’s music industry. With such a power over her, there is no way that Big Machine will ever willingly let her go - perhaps they’d enter into a never-ending negotiation; for every album she produces (which would belong to Big Machine), she earns back a prior album that belonged to Big Machine. Sounds fabulous and abusive, doesn’t it? If you are so naive as to think that she was not a guiding factor on the purchase of Big Machine, please reconsider your brain. No one wants to buy the cow if you can get the milk for free - which essentially is what Scooter did, plus now he gets to kick the cow and the calf if and when he wants to. Lovely, right? However, please consider that in signing any new contact under this offer, one can see definite similarities with Kesha’s situation, though the abuse hopefully be only mental and emotional. Taylor has made an incredibly hard and painful choice; she could leave her legacy behind in favour of happier life, or continue with her legacy and ‘earn it back’ and be generally miserable. This desire to make Taylor ‘submit’ is misogynistic, horrible and really really gross. Hence we can conclude that not only has she been abused, bullied and used, we may now note that she has no way of ‘winning’ this argument - in that she may never get her masters back without paying a very serious life consequence.
Taylor has posted a 2 paragraph statement on Tumblr. (Fun reminder - I’m not even halfway done and I’ve written a longer defence that she did.) She is being called attention seeking (‘turning the the public has worked for her before’ - what my local FM radio told me), bullying, gaslighting etc etc. which are all things we’ve heard about before in relation to her. Certainly, Taylor, like other people in the media spotlight, has done things that people don’t approve of or deem problematic (because she, like all others, is just a person) but this by no means should overshadow her present situation. You don’t need to be a Taylor fan to consider this issue problematic; the facts alone are indicative enough. There is no element of like, love, favouritism or adoration that even needs to be considered here. Taylor is being judged, abused and publicly bullied as she dared to speak her mind and feelings about her own works. If Scooter had his way, we would  revert to simply calling her hysterical, and strip her of all capacity to reason - god forbid a woman in the music industry be of sane mind and conviction. Despite this, we have to note that these events, this treatment, these discussions have led to one of the most prominent and successful women of the 21st century retreating from public, and posting her defence, in her own words, on TUMBLR, which is widely considered a niche site when compared to say Twitter or Instagram. Hence, we must ask ourselves, why would Taylor choose Tumblr? She has been so widely supported on Instagram and Twitter in the past. Maybe this is where she feels supported and like she is least chance to be attacked; what does that tell you about her headspace? Maybe it’s where she sees the least tagging, comments of ownership, masters related from people who are meant to be her colleagues - cyber bullying is, effectively, so harmful because it can truly follow you anywhere. Imagine the outrage if this had been done to Justin Bieber, Ed Sheeran, Shawn Mendes. But it wouldn’t happen to them - not because producers and owners are incapable, but because they do not deem in necessary for them to need to show who the ‘alpha’ is. But having Taylor as the more powerful, pervasive person seems to offend many men to the core. Hence, maybe Taylor posted it is simply for herself, knowing it would be unedited and seen by people who might sympathise without yarns of criticism that related to the anatomy between her legs. Certainly, I know I would want to have my say for my own peace of mind as well as for my mental health - and I’m just a law student with 7 followers. How does someone so wildly popular feel so unsafe in the social media sphere? This. This bs is why. 
So why are we just hearing about all this now? Well that’s just it; Taylor. She has brought this to the public attention. She is not so naive as to think that there would be no backlash - she’s been the victim of that too many times. Taylor, despite knowing all of this, despite standing alone, despite the lack of media, social media, peer and male support, has said something. She has expressed her thoughts and feelings, knowing she would be labelled unstable and narcissistic - because that is the fastest way to depreciate and devalue anything legitimate or threatening that comes from a woman or girl. Taylor has, in a sense, reported her abuse; except she reported it to the public. She has been bullied, cyber bullied, defamed, indicted, disliked and gaslighted. In her position, many would be anxious, depressed, scared, paranoid, running crying to their parents (cough me cough). Instead, she has made a rational, intelligent and self-caring decision that led to a well written statement, conveying her feelings in a timely and eloquent manner. She is effectively telling us that Times Up, and it’s coming for the music industry. As always, she has handled this in the most dignified and elegant of ways, while Scooter and his supporters seem to be borderline aroused at the pain they’re inflicting. How anyone can get their kicks out of another persons pain will always be beyond me, though that seems to be the way women are accustomed to men acting. Taylor is, as she has often been, at the forefront of changing social issues and bearing the brunt of the backlash in the public eye. I hope that there are other young women and young artists that are watching and listening - she might very well break the glass ceiling - again. 
Taylor has gone through an immense amount of pain throughout her music career - she’s been labelled an attention, money and boyfriend seeking crybaby for over a decade. The behaviour of men in the music industry is neither appropriate or acceptable. I do not accept it - we, the public, cannot accept it. 
Although I know it is of little help, I will no longer be listening to or streaming Taylor’s old work in an effort to support her. I will also not be streaming or purchasing any other Big Machine productions until her work is returned to her. I will also be signing this petition in her favour. Please consider doing the same - Katy Perry already did. 
I hope Taylor is okay, I hope she is caring for herself, I hope there is some legal action she can take. I hope Lover is wildly successful and her heart is full. Remember that this is not about receipts or feuds or drama. This is about the cruel and unfair treatment of a woman in the music industry and the escalation of that when it became public information. This is about changing the conversation and changing the working conditions. This is for more than just Taylor; this is part changing a toxic culture, where cyberbulling and revenge porn and spiteful purchases for ‘funzies’ (and the torment of others) is appropriate, provided it is against a woman. Whatever you might say or think of her, this is an example of injustices that occur to women everywhere and everyday. We have proven only one thing with these injustices, and that is that you can kick Taylor Swift down are hard as you can - she has discovered feminism and she’s going to get back up. She might not be perfect, she might not be your favourite, but she isn’t a push over. Taylor Swift is taking up space and taking no shit, and I am here for it. 
Petition: https://www.change.org/p/taylor-swift-make-taylor-swift-re-release-her-6-albums 
You can find Taylor’s statement here: https://taylorswift.tumblr.com/post/185958366550/for-years-i-asked-pleaded-for-a-chance-to-own-my
You can also check her Tumblr out here, though this is less related to this analysis and more if you want a good giggle: @taylorswift
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thedeviltohisangel · 5 years
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You Say It Softly//6//We Worked Too Hard For This
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The birth of Jim & Leah’s son.
warnings associated with labor and delivery scenes.
in honor of @langdonslove birthday!
masterlist in bio, send any requests for these two my way!
Leah could barely find the energy to get out of bed most mornings now. Her stomach had swelled to an impossible size and with it had gone her will to do the most mundane of things. Part of her felt bad for Jim. She would wake up, curse his name for putting his spawn inside of her and caging her to this life of immobility. He would make her breakfast of nutella on toast and extra crispy bacon and no matter how badly she wanted to devour the whole thing, his baby was taking up all the room and she could only muster a small portion.
“I hate you.” The frustrated tears always came next. Everything bothered her on such a large scale and it was mainly the fact that their baby was two weeks late. Two extra weeks of feeling like a beached whale. Two extra weeks of kicking Jim out of bed because he was too warm and she was sweating and she couldn’t breathe. Two extra weeks of psychological warfare over how good of a mother she would or would not be.
“I know, baby. When little one comes it will all be worth it, right?” She looked at Jim skeptically from where he knelt next to her side of the bed.
“Only if they have your blue eyes. If they don’t, I want a refund.”
“Okay, baby, I’m sure we can arrange that.” Jim had never been in the business of disagreeing with her but recently he had made it his life mission to always be on her side. He was indeed partially responsible for the state she found herself in so he shoulder all her irritability like a champ. His shoulders were strong enough to carry any burdens she needed to shed. He was made to be that for her, he thinks.
“When you get back from your sister’s, can we go out to dinner tonight? I feel like the house is suffocating me.” His lips pressed themselves gently up her arms in an agreeable and hopefully soothing manner.
“What’re you craving?”
“Everything. I can’t even put a name to it, Sprinkles.”
“I’m sorry you’re feeling so miserable, Sugar. You know I wish I could make it go away and if you think of anything I can do…”
“I’ll tell you. I promise.” She winced slightly as a tight pain rippled through the underside of her baby bump. “These stupid Braxton-Hicks.” Jim lent her the warmth of his palm on the spot where he knew the pain was. The false labor pains had been coming and going and he knew exactly where she needed her muscles to be eased and soothed.
“No chance they’re real, Sugar?”
“No they feel exactly the same as they have been. My doctor thinks I’ll be able to tell the difference.” Leah had taken the time away from work with her maternity leave to refocus her mind and become more in tune with her own body. She had started going to a meditation group and doing yoga and testing healthy juice recipes. Jim hadn’t been the biggest fan of that phase of exploration.
“You sure you’ll be okay while I’m with Medina? I’ll stay home if you want me to. Need me to. No shame in asking.”
“I’ll be fine. I want you two to go to that beach. You’ve been gushing about the waves for months. Women have had babies in caves. I’ll be okay.” He watched her for a few more moments to make sure she was being honest with him before he stood and pressed a kiss to the center of her forehead. As soon as Leah heard the front door shut from him leaving, she felt lonely. She had run out of things to do but had seen the twinkle in Jim’s eye when discussing this surfing day trip that he had been planning with Medina and nothing was going to make her happier than watching him go on it and have fun. They didn’t know how much time they’d have to do things like that once the baby came so she wanted him to take all the opportunities he could while it was still them. Leah also knew that his relationship with his sister was beyond important to him so she wanted to make sure he kept nurturing that as well. Medina was never in California for too long, taking her freedom to travel around the world and never be in the same place for too long. Leah and Jim hadn’t planned on fully settling down at this point in their lives but the surprise addition to their family had required it and they were more than happy to oblige.
When Leah finally found the wherewithal to swing her legs over the side of her bed and stand on her feet, a flashing shot of pain ripped its way through her lower back. She fell to the floor with a silent cry at the feeling. “Oh my God, fuck.” She kneaded the heel of her hand into the spot in the hopes it would go away and it didn’t. A piece of her mind was remembering the conversation she had had with her doctor the last time she went about back labor. How Leah’s back muscles seemed to carry a lot more tension in them than her abdominal muscles did. And her next thought followed that she had promised Jim she would call if the pain felt different. And the pain was feeling way way different and way way worse. She grimaced as she grabbed her phone from the nightstand and dialed his number, rubbing her bump with a grimace as she waited.
“Hey, this is Jim, leave a message and I’ll call you back.”
“Hi Jimmy, it’s me,” she paused and let out a gasp of pain as the next wave overtook her, “I think the baby is coming...Like really actually. Call me when you get this so I know how long it will take you to get home. If I don’t hear back from you within an hour, I’m going to try and get myself to the hospital...I love you, Jim, and I can’t wait to start this new chapter with you so hurry home.” She hung up and sat staring at her phone for a few minutes in the hopes Jim would immediately get back to her. 10 minutes passed. 20 minutes passed. Her screen stayed black. No doubt he was out in the waves and his phone had been left on the beach. There was no telling when he would get her message.
It was then that the panic began to set in. What if Jim didn’t even get her message in time to make it to the hospital for the birth of their child? What if she had to do all of it alone? The stress she and her unborn child were putting her under was beginning to make her dizzy. It was then that she was starting to get concerned. The room was refusing to stay still and it felt as though her whole body was spinning around with it. Phone. Call. Doctor. Those were the three words that began to ring through her mind. Something was wrong and she needed help. She was scared of being alone and feeling so out of control of her body. For a brief moment she thinks this was what Jim must have felt like. The night on the beach when he was dying. As if the whole world was going to keep on spinning without you knowing about it. Without caring how you felt or how it happened. Maybe Jim would come and save her the way she had saved him so many times before but wishing and hoping was futile, she had to act. Leah closed her eyes and took a couple of deep breaths in the name of readying herself to get up. Part of her thinks it was her new maternal instinct kicking in. She had to get somewhere safe for her baby. Lying on the floor of her bedroom was not safe for her baby and that needed to change.
Her fingers finally found purchase on her phone and she quickly went into her contacts to reach her doctor.
“Dr. Khalilah’s office how-”
“It’s Leah Mason. I’m, oh shit fuck,” she couldn’t even finish her sentence as the next contraction wrapped around from her back to her stomach and weaved down her legs.
“Let me get the Doctor, Mrs. Mason, hold on.” She was vaguely aware of the muffled sounds of voices on the other end of the line but was too preoccupied with fighting the nausea rising up her throat to try and decipher what they were saying.
“Leah? Tell me what’s going on.”
“I’m in active labor. My back hurts like someone is driving a hot stake into and ripping it around my skin and I’m going to throw up and I’m so dizzy.”
“Okay, okay. I need you to breathe for me, first and foremost. Calmly, I want you to get your husband and get in the car and head to the hospital, okay? I’ll meet you there.”
“I can’t find Jim! That’s the fucking problem, Doctor, pardon my language. I can’t drive myself...What do I do?” Her breaths had turned into pants. The sweat was beginning to become ever present on her skin and she was trying to remind herself that she was strong and capable and that her and Jim were so badly looking forward to this baby so she had to pull through for all their sakes. Part of her felt a little stupid at her pleas, she was a doctor herself after all and had thought she’d be able to handle something like this with a clear and level head. With absolute ease. That was the kind of person she had always been. People always came to Leah with their problems knowing they could talk her into thinking everything was okay and to approach the problem with a clear head and steady heart. All of that had been part of the birth plan she had meticulously written out with Jim but now it was all being thrown out the window.
“Leah, I’m going to send a midwife to your house to assess the situation and help you from there okay?” She looked down at the wet patch forming on her carpet.
“Please hurry...I think my water just broke.”
----
“Medina she’s not fucking answering! Fucking hell move you idiot!” Jim leaned over from the passenger side and wailed on the horn.
“Jim! Calm down, okay? This is why I told you that you couldn’t drive.”
“If I miss the birth of my child because that Honda can’t step on the gas, I will kill them.” He dialed his wife’s phone again and got her voicemail...again. Jim had listened to her message on the beach with a racing heart and broad smile. For a moment he let himself breathe it in. That by the end of the day he was going to be a father. He was going to start on the right foot with his child and fix all the mistakes his parents had made with him. He was going to make sure his child never felt the way he felt, that they always knew they were loved and cherished and irreplaceable. That his child knew they always had a home in his arms. It was when he looked at the time stamp and realized it had been almost two hours since her one hour time limit that he began to panic. He yelled for his sister and began to shove all his belongings back into his bag and sprint towards the car.
“We’ll be at the hospital in...twenty minutes.”
“I’m letting her down. Fuck, Medina, she does so much for me and why am I constantly letting her down?”
“You’re not. I promise you that she doesn’t think that. First babies take so long to come. You’ll make it in plenty of time to hold her hand and feed her ice chips.” The car was quiet for a moment before Jim spoke again.
“I’m gonna be a dad. My whole life is going to change.”
“It’s a good change, Jimmy. The happiest of changes we could ever hope for.” Medina rubbed at his thigh in a comforting manner with a smile on her face. She was so proud of her brother and where he had gotten. If Leah was able to make him so happy she could only imagine the effect their baby would have on him. In her mind, Jim deserved the absolute world and she couldn’t be happier that he was finally getting it.
Medina let him run out of the car as soon as they pulled up to the hospital, assuring Jim she would find a place to park. He made his way to the Labor and Delivery section of the hospital within record timing and was breathing like he had ran a marathon by the time he reached the receptionists desk.
“My wife, Leah Mason, she’s here giving birth. I need to be with her.”
“Can I see your ID?” His hands were shaking as he pulled his wallet from his pocket and handed the plastic over to the women. “We have no one here by that name.”
“I’m sorry-”
“Jim!” He turned to look at his sister running out from the elevator with her phone extended towards him. “It’s Leah.” Jim grabbed the phone from her hands and held it to his ear like a lifeline.
“Leah? I’m at the hospital what’s your room number? Are you okay? How are you feeling? Please tell me the baby hasn’t come yet.”
“Come home I’m-” she heard a pained moan come out of her mouth and the sounds of a woman’s voice coaching her through the contraction. “There’s been a change of plans. We’re having a home birth.”
“Fuck okay I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Please hurry. I don’t think I can do this without you.” It was only on rare occasions that Jim heard Leah’s voice get small.
“You won’t have to. I love you so much and I can’t wait to be with you and our baby.”
----
He didn’t even let Medina come to a full stop in his driveway before he was out of his car and taking his front steps like a gazelle. “Leah!” Jim tripped in his haste to get up the stairs but didn’t even register the burning in his shins as his wife crying out in pain reached his ears.
“Oh, you’re here.” Leah cried with the relief at the sight of Jim, her Jim, stumbling into their bedroom. He kicked off his shoes and crawled into bed with her, pressing anxious kisses over every inch of her face and running his hands all over her stomach to see if anything had changed since this morning. “Jimmy it hurts so bad.”
“I know, my love, I know. But I’m here now and I’m going to try and share in as much of the pain as possible, okay?” She nodded and tucked her head into his shoulder, biting down on his skin as the next wave came. Jim bit back the expletives that wanted to fall from his mouth because she needed him to be strong and take some of the pain off her shoulders. She was birthing his child, the least he could do was keep his mouth shut. “How does everything look?” The midwife was peering between his wife’s legs.
“Only a couple more centimeters to go and I think she will be ready to start pushing.”
“We had...We had discussed a water birth. Is that still possible to do at home?” Jim took the washcloth the woman handed to him and began to dab gently at Leah’s forehead. The two had been lying in bed one night talking about how the beach and the water had been where all the important moments in their life had taken place. It only seemed fitting for the water to welcome their child into the world.
“Of course. You’ve got her so I can go get your tub ready?” He looked down at his wife; beat red in the face, hair matted to her forehead and pained moans falling from her mouth in a steady stream. If there was anytime she needed him, it was now.
“Yeah I’ve got her.” And he always would. They were partners and soulmates and every other word that meant you could not have one without the other.
“Jim? Can I tell you something?” He adjusted himself so her back was resting against his chest, Leah grabbing his collar so her lips were right up against his ear. “You ever put your dick inside me without a condom again and I’ll cut it off.”
“Okay, Sugar.” He knew it was the pain talking because she had told him numerous times that she wanted the largest possible family her ovaries and uterus would allow. Jim knew that when it was all said and done and they were holding their baby, she’d be thinking differently. It might have been crazy but Jim already couldn’t wait to do it all over again.
----
After two more hours of Leah writhing in pain, she started to feel the urge to push. The midwife and Jim helped her into the tub, a groan of somewhat relief washing over her as the warm water lapped at her skin.
“Alright, Mrs. Mason, put your legs over the sides and let me get a good glimpse of what it happening down there.” Jim held her hand and moved down so he could look at the same view as the midwife. “That little brown fuzz? Can you see it?”
“Yeah,” the word came out of his mouth in awe. That was his baby. Jim was inches away from meeting his child.
“Leah you’ll be crowning in a few more pushes, you’ll feel burning but it’s okay and normal.”
“Jim...in the tub.” He nodded frantically and undressed down to his underwear so he could slip in behind her. “Oh God!” The burning she had been warned about started encroaching and it showed no signs of reaching it’s peak.
“Stop pushing for just one moment dear. Let yourself stretch for the head and shoulders.”
“You got this, baby, you’re so strong and I’m right here with you and I love you so much,” Jim whispered into her ear. She had a death grip on his hands and nodded along to all of his words of encouragement, absorbing them and letting them help her power through the arrival of their child.
“Dad, why don’t you lean forward so you can get ready to catch your baby.” It took Jim a moment to realize that she was talking to him, that he was a dad now, he was someone’s dad now. His hands rubbed soothingly at Leah’s inner thighs as he placed his hands where their child was appearing slowly but surely. The head slipped into Jim’s cupped hands, their shoulders coming with a particularly loud groan from Leah before Jim was cradling his child and pulling them out of the water.
“It’s a boy!” Jim called as the baby, his son, began to wail at this newfound environment, at the loss of his cozy home inside his mother. Tears were streaming down his face as he brought his arms forward so the squirming boy could meet his mother.
“Oh look at you...look at him, Jim. He’s the most beautiful thing in the whole world. The most beautiful thing I have ever seen.” Leah was sobbing with happiness and tiredness but she could feel no pain. All of the discomfort and agony that had been there only moments before was gone as she cradled her newborn son against her chest. He had quieted down slightly and opened his eyes, the tears falling down Jim’s cheeks faster as he looked into the eyes of his son.
“Hi,” he cooed as his finger traced over his son’s silken cheeks. “We’ve waited so long to meet you my little baby.”
“You want to come with me Dad to cut the cord and while I make sure everything is okay with your beautiful little boy?” Leah handed the baby to the midwife as Jim stood up behind her and wrapped himself in a towel.
“He’s here, Sprinkles,” Leah whispered with excitement as Jim bent down next to her, kissing her soundly on the lips.
“I’m so proud of you, Sugar. I didn’t think it was possible to love you more but watching how strong you were…” Jim took the scissors from the midwife as she offered them and cut the umbilical cord cleanly.
“Go be with our son. Make sure everything’s okay.” He kissed her once again before going to peer over the midwife’s shoulder as she performed the Apgar test, their little boy passing with flying colors.
“Let’s get mama out of the bath so she can cuddle you probably...maybe try feeding him?” Leah nodded eagerly, Jim holding their son against his chest as the women helped her stand and wrapped her in a fluffy robe. He followed closely behind as she sank down onto her side of the bed, wiggling her fingers towards her little baby. He fell quiet as the sound of his mother’s heartbeat entered his ears. The one thing in this crazy new world that was the same as his old world.  “Have you two thought of a name?”
“William. William James Mason.”
----
Jim looked down at his son who was resting against his shirtless chest as Leah traced over the shell of his ear.
“He looks like you when he’s asleep,” she murmured. She was barely keeping her eyes open but didn’t want to miss a moment of time with her new son.
“Definitely got your nose though.” Leah smiled up at Jim.
“Only us would have our child come into the world in such a nutso way...I’m glad Medina got to meet him already.” Once the midwife had left and Jim had helped Leah change into her comfiest pajamas and settle back under the covers with William, Jim had Medina come upstairs from where she had been lounging around in their living room. She had cried at the first sight of her nephew. If anyone knew how far Jim had come and how much he deserved the happiness that he was feeling it was Medina. She hugged Jim and they both cried in celebration of how their lives had turned out exactly the way that had always dreamed they would. Medina sat down next to Leah and carefully held her nephew for this first time, his newborn smell making her smile.
“Welcome to the tribe, little buddy,” she had whispered against his wrinkled forehead.
“Did you call your mom?” Leah asked as Jim pressed his lips onto his son’s head.
“Yeah and my dad. My dad is in Paris so he can’t come by for a week or so anyways. Mom...Mom is going through another spell where she can’t leave her house so I don’t know when we’ll see her.”
“If it’s important to you, Jim, then we can go see her.”
“It’s not that important to me.” Sandy had made herself very clear ever since she had known Leah was in her son’s life that she didn’t like her and wanted her to leave. Jim wanted none of that toxic energy anywhere near his son. He would be kept a pure ball of light and love as long as Jim could help it. “What about your parents?”
“They were happy...they both made a comment about if you were actually there or not but I’ll have them come by when you’re not here or I’ll go to there house by myself this week.” Leah’s parents harbored a resentment towards Jim and his past substance abuse. No matter how many times it was displayed or told that he was a changed man, they refused to let go of their grudge. Leah had went on to be a doctor in order to prove that she still could even with Jim in her life.
“Why are our parents like this?”
“Doesn’t matter because we won’t be anything like them. William will always be loved and accepted by us. He’ll never have to worry that we aren’t there to catch him when he falls.” The two of them closed the distance between their lips so they could kiss again. Something about becoming parents had made it so they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. “I love you, Jim Mason, let’s have another baby.”
“I’ll start the six week countdown.” They both laughed, freezing when the baby began to stir on his father’s chest. He let out the beginnings of a wail and Jim promptly sat up. “It’s okay, little one, mama and dada are here. You’re okay.” He stepped carefully off the bed so he could could sway his hips and walk around the room, the rocking motion having comforted his son back to sleep only a couple hours earlier.
“He might be hungry. Let me try to feed him.” The first time with the midwife hadn’t been that successful. William had rooted around her nipple but refused to latch. It was when Leah started tearing up with frustration that the midwife had recommended they try again some other time.
“Remember, Sugar, it’s okay if he doesn’t latch. We can still get him nutrients elsewhere.” That had been her initial attack of panic when the midwife had taken William from her and offered a bottle instead. That if he wouldn’t or couldn’t latch and get access to her breastmilk, he would somehow suffer.
“I know. I just read so much about what a bond it is for a woman and her child...I want that feeling.” Jim had already seen the natural connection between his wife and son, noticed the way William’s eyes seemed to be constantly looking for his mother and the way his face turned to her instantly when her voice reached his ears. But he didn’t want to discount her feelings or deny her of all the things she had been dreaming about for the past nine months. Jim helped her get William settled in the crook of her arm and watched as her hand gently guiding his lips towards her nipple. “Mommy doesn’t want you to be hungry and uncomfortable my love. Let Mommy help you fill your little tummy.” Jim held his breath as his son continued to root around before finally finding purchase, latching on and sucking his mother’s milk into his mouth with ease.
“Is he doing it?” Jim wanted to make sure his eyes weren’t deceiving him but when Leah looked up from their son with tearful eyes and a nod he knew it was everything she had ever dreamed it could be.
“It’s ticklish. But I feel like all the pieces of the puzzle are fitting together.” It was then that William opened his eyes and looked at his mother as he continued to pull milk into his empty stomach. “I’ve never been happier, Jim. Thank you for giving him to me.” Jim kissed the exposed skin of her shoulder from where she had opened her top up to give William access to food.
“Thank you, Leah. For the life you’ve given me the opportunity to build. For the family we’ve started together. For putting the smile back on my face all those years ago.” She smiled and turned back to watch her son. Jim couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face as he watched the two most important in the world to him interact. His heart was at peace. The two people he loved the most were warm and happy and safe and with him. Jim Mason doesn’t think life got any better than this and he doesn’t know who to thank for giving him such a beautiful second chance but he knew this time he wouldn’t screw it up. He had two things worth living for and nothing could take them away from him. Not even the ocean could keep him from his tribe. For the first time in a long time, Jim Mason was home.
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@avesatanormalpeoplescareme
@aveiangdon
@tickled--pinkmoodpoisoning
@langdvn
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ninja8tyu · 5 years
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My therapist told me once that a lot of people see therapists, but it doesn’t seem like that because it’s not like people tell others about it.
Now that I’m writing this, I question why snapshoting your lunch is more interesting than therapy, but I digress.
I’m going to tell you about what it’s like to go see therapists. It isn’t as bad as others make it out to be, and it means nothing bad to go see one; only that you are taking care of your mental health. Push away people who say that you’re demented.
I went through multiple therapists through childhood. I was never told why, but I can deduce it.
If it wasn’t the autistic breakdowns and anger issues, along with constant bullying and disproportionate retaliation (I still think it’s fair), I have no clue.
But before I do go on wholesome journey, I’m going to give an example in my life where a therapist (if that was a therapist; my memory only recalls an interview-like room, but it’s indeterminate if it was a therapist or not, as it seemed to be more of a questioning and interrogation rather than the therapy I know of, but i suppose it still applies, as people around my age at the time, I feel, would feel uncomfy talking to adults (I’m more comfy talking to adults than kids my age, just to note, according to other people and personal affirmation) and a therapist may seem intimidating because of the age gap or size difference) basically contributed to my anxiety and distrust in everyone.
Not to bring hate to that therapist, but at the same time, go back to the kitchen bitch, but how this therapist destroyed my trust is basically because I made a terrible joke. Being autistic didn’t grant me the normal ability to determine what was okay to say in certain situations the moment I was born, and I had to learn it throughout life. I think I was frustrated with my mom over my computer (which now I realize how deep my addiction to the web goes) and joked about an elaborate plan that would hurt my mom if she took it away.
Now, this joke was a joke because it was impossible to pull at my age. Putting myself in her shoes, I wonder what she would be thinking. Did she take the joke too seriously? Did she actually consider a 7 year old a threat to human life? Fuck if I know, but my mom was contacted, and boy, did I stop trusting them then.
In defense of her, that was still a threat, and therefore better safe than sorry. In attack towards her, your idiocy fucked me up enough to not make proper use of mental health professionals. The defense is weak in that my threat was empty and fangless. Weighing the options, I think that the dumbest option was chosen (which is why I doubt her status as a therapist: she’s clinically retarded).
So because of that incident, I didn’t really had a fun time with therapists after a very long time, up until high school.
From what my therapist said, it seems like people like me make the mistake that seeing a therapist and/or taking medication is a magical cure to depression and all our personality problems. I can attest to that.
They do not engage in mind-control or the mystical arts. They are more like conversation partners than anything else.
The mistake we make is thinking that something else will solve our problem, but the truth is that the change we want has to come from us. The therapists and medicine helps to aid it, not make it come to be.
I didn’t think that medicine or therapy would help me though, as before high school, I believed that I was right the entire time, and the world was fucked up.
Well, the world is still fucked up, sharing some of the reasons why I believed why that is plus more, but not all of it that ended up to be delusions.
I spent my time telling the therapists how I’m right, and explaining my reasoning. Lucky that I didn’t pass them off as mind-controlled too, and tried to debate rather than go flat-earther over global morality. I guess I assumed that I was powerful enough to wipe mind control or I could appeal to their reason and emotion to destroy the control, assuming it was there. Fuck if I know. I wanna know what that little brat that was once me was thinking as well. But I digress.
The therapists I saw, the visits don’t really stick into my head, but I recall them always suggesting new possibilities in my head. Rather than linear thinking, they suggested other thoughts that might have occurred with others. Now that I’m typing this, I feel that something I might have done back then in response was “well, it’s a stupid way of thinking, and they should go die” which would explain why I didn’t just become a better person then. It’s because I was more smarter back then than now. I overthink and try to live in theory, rather than see and know what is in front of me, and living in the world I know I’m in. After all, I can’t apply “everyone has good will” when I’m living in “everyone is out to get you, literally, just check your memories and the fact that they’re still doing it”. But I digress.
Eventually, therapy stopped. If I ever went to see a therapist, it was because I was in trouble. Saw my counselor too, who basically acted like one.
Anxiety and depression basically were gangbanging me during the time, and I was controlled by constant fear and wanting to kill everyone the first chance I got where no one would be left surviving. Never happened for obvious reasons. Also, the US didn’t give me nuclear codes. Nor did ISIS give me an AK. No one trusts me with a weapon, which is oddly funny and annoying. But I digress.
My mental state went to shit. I remember reading in a report where it included a history of my past “misconduct”, one event that I found funny was the fact that they recorded a threat I made. It included ripping someone’s mouth off and shoving it in their ear so they could hear what they were saying. I hold my child self in high regard for this reason, but at the same time, I also want to shoot him for doing stupid shit that I wouldn’t do in clarity. He’s still a legend in my eyes, but I digress.
My counselor wasn’t a therapist, but damn did she pull me out of a portion of my depression. She played a major part for putting trust in other people. Depression and anxiety took over, I didn’t want to hold it in anymore, and so I told her that she thought I was a nuisance, that she should just stop pretending to be nice, and just toss me aside. She said that she did care for me, though in an angry voice. She was mad that I put words in her mouth. But her words told me that people weren’t all out to get me, and that I’m not hated behind everyone’s backs. I didn’t think and still do think that people can’t lie when they are angry like that.
Then high school came. I had just about it with depression, and I asked to go see a therapist for antidepressants. I didn’t really trust therapists that much still, but somehow, that step made me effectively use the help I got. But yeah.
My therapist noted how the first time I met her, I was like “I’m just here for my magic drugs. Nothing else.” Funny, looking back at it. The therapy helped more than the antidepressants.
I managed to convince my “drugs are brainwash” parents (who are stupid and easily manipulative (often exploited by my brother to make me feel worse), which, even if they disagreed, an annoying child begging for it will always win against such parents, and while it never got to that point, I got the help) to let me get antidepressants (due to cheap price, studying effects of it, also my therapist helped) to help me get better.
I asked someone on tumblr as an anon who I knew was taking antidepressants, and the key thing I took was that the drug is not going to instantly cure me. It isn’t an instant happy pill. It’s a clutch that helps you move through life. Some people even life with depression, never really getting rid of it completely, but they learn to live with it regardless.
My experience with taking antidepressants were introductory, or for mild depression (just to note, I have dysthymia). It made me less dead on the inside. Didn’t make me happy, but I noticed a lack of apathy. 
I don’t think the drugs worked because of my more severe depression, and the more obvious reason: my family was making me miserable and suicidal.
You can’t get over depression when people are continuing to put you down. I’m finding a fond interest in murder and torture because of them. I want to get over it, but if I have a toxic family who counteracts any help I get to my mental state, then what’s the result going to be? Hint: I don’t get better.
Family therapy is out of the question, and getting professional help for the biggest fucker contributing to it (brother) is too, since “mind-control” and “government conspiracy” and “I’m crazy, literally, being autistic and all”. So yeah. 17 years wasted wallowing in depression because of a shitty state in a shitty country and shitty family. If I haven’t expressed my rage for my family and those who have made me miserable enough, just take it as true that if I have the ability to, I would enact something that would put a number of people countable on two hands through the type of hell that rivals the holocaust and gulags with their tens of millions of people who suffered in terms of inhumanity and immorality. I digress.
And then I cut myself for the first time. Thanks to my big brother. My mental state was no longer stable, and also the start of when I get kicked out of two discord groups consecutively.
I was still too scared to tell my therapist more about my life out of fear that I’d be sent to a mental hospital, so I went onto the internet, where I could vent about my problems and express my rage anonymously and safely (ignoring hackers and the like).
During this time, I learned a lot of things that really hit me and hurt damn badly, and I couldn’t really blame half of them because it was quite literally caused by me. Venting around on the web didn’t turn out so good.
I’m worth no more than shit to someone I know to be intelligent, whom I had assumed before then that only geniuses could understand the pain I went through. The person here also went through rough shit, possibly worse than I ever had. I had no excuse nor explanation to myself why this is other than that it is what it is, and what is, is that I’m worth below that of manure.
Then I joined a community full of degenerates. The thing that hits me lightly is that I got rejected by a bunch of misfits in society, who are literal nazis, hypocrites, criminals, rejects, et cetera. I want a majority of the people in there dead. I learned a few things like that the people with power are the people you must obey, or you will suffer. I learned that corruption isn’t given a damn about. Systems will gladly run on immorality, so long as it isn’t moral yet. I earn that people are actually willing to us any amount of effort to put up facades to be nice while they absolutely despise you behind their backs.
Alternate accounts let me find some of things people have said while I was banned. I hated it.
I’m pretty sure some of my fits of rage online are on some cringe comp, but I digress.
And then my weekly visit with my therapist came around. My mental state becoming worse and worse, starting with my brother who actively makes me miserable, to being banned from places I felt belonging to because of my mental instability, I had no fear of going to a mental hospital.
Better there than with a shitty family that makes me miserable. I couldn’t care less what drugs they inject into me, so long as it helps me.
I walked in, telling her that I no longer fear going to a mental hospital. I’m going to be honest. There is nothing good left to lose. Just the bad is left to lose, and I’m begging on the inside to lose them.
And then I cried. Told her about how I felt worthless, powerless, useless, a waste, how miserable my life felt, and so on and so on.
I expressed my rage, and how I hated them. I wanted them dead. I never deserved this. What did I do to deserve this? Why give birth to me to make me go through hell? I never asked to be born, and yet people are treating me as if I decided to be born in hell.
Yeah, death threats I made. I’m lucky my therapist didn’t just call the FBI and sick ‘em on me. She was understanding, and knew I was going through a bad time. Not everyone gets the same treatment, I understand, but I have a point here.
The thing I feel about letting it all out, is that because I let it all-out, I’m open to judgement, and therefore correction. My therapist talked with me, I put out my thoughts, she did hers, and the problems begin to become solved. Though, having an interest in psychology and sharing basic knowledge of it helped exponentially. Also, working on emotional intelligence helped too.
I feel that most people don’t really talk about their problems, and they never resolve themselves. They may hold some kind of opinion or thought that would be really bad to have if a situation popped up where they applied that. And when it pops up, they then make a bad decision. But of course, they can’t talk to anyone about them out of fear of judgement.
I feel that therapy works best when you’re honest and unafraid of judgement. You have to be willing to put out your thoughts and let them be vulnerable, and accept when you’re wrong. Also, mental hospitals aren’t that bad, apparently. They do inject strong drugs for people with certain conditions, but that’s because they’re fit to deal with side-effects better than at home or in a standard check-up hospital. Other people’s words, not mine. I haven’t been to one yet.
For me, my problem was to come to terms with the world I believe to be corrupted, and personal problems. I asked why are there killer cops? Why on Earth is the school system built where it rewards bullies but punishes victims? What is the universal cause that turns people bad? Am I the bad guy?
My solution was to let my thoughts be open to be judged and criticized. And it worked for me.
I think I should say that it may not work for you if you go see a therapist. It may not be the best person that would help you, or that you still need time to mentally prep yourself.
As for me, I’m probably not going to see my therapist any more. I’m scare that she’s putting up a kind facade, but actually hates me. I don’t want to be a bratty nuisance that still couldn’t get better after two years and coming back to old issues. I just fear that being true.
My mental state is beginning to deteriorate as a result of being stuck at home with a mentally and emotionally abusive family over the summer. I had starved myself for a short duration (~16 hrs) before realizing that was stupid, and I was basically suggesting to kill my body in an attempt to prove a point (a human can last months without food, but it wouldn’t be worth losing brain development time, especially my life, since I know they wouldn’t be more nicer even if I starved myself).
Also, still no psychiatrist visit for some fucking reason. Medicine can help, but with a family that thinks drugs are products of the devil, it’s more likely for me to go on a psychosis than them ever consider that drugs aren’t that bad. Also, fuck the US for putting a bad name on drugs and the drug war. Literally, not even medical drugs like antidepressants that can help people get better are safe from the toxic culture it bred. Also fuck DARE. You increased drug addiction. Go fuck yourselves. Also fuck the cops for being biased against the mentally ill and the “special” ones. Fuck the system for the same reason. Fuck the world for still thinking they’re morally upright when they still do immoral acts. Fuck the people who let it happen for any reason. Fuck this snowflake society that can’t do anything but complain, because a revolt would be too much work for their fragile asses. Fuck the political system and the government for working based on who pays the most, seldom morality and justice. Fuck my family for being stupid and abusive. Fuck society and how they think that if it isn’t the worst that it could be, then you have no right to complain and correct your problems. Fuck political correctness and how it prioritizes being unoffensive over actually solving problems. Fuck the UN for being incompetent.
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onestowatch · 5 years
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Meet VOILÀ, the Duo Riding Their Heartbreaks to Greener Pastures [Q&A]
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VOILÀ has found their sound. That’s not always an easy thing for artists to say less than a year after releasing their debut single, but the Los Angeles-based duo has carved out a niche for themselves with earnest lyrics and passionate songwriting. Now with their debut album on the horizon in 2019, they’re doing everything they can to make their impact impossible to overlook, while maintaining their relatability in the process.
Luke Eisner and Gus Ross first met in a classroom at USC, and it wasn’t long before they began creating their own music outside the course. The duo DJ’d plenty of parties during their time in college, but eventually they moved on from the electronic realm in an effort to better express themselves through the music. Listen to their latest song, “Don’t,” which slotted in at #19 on Spotify’s New Music Friday playlist, and you’ll understand why it was a great decision; with refreshing guitars and heartfelt lyricism, VOILÀ makes it easy for listeners to access them, and hard to turn away from once they have.
They certainly sound genuine when their voices are playing through the speakers, and it shines through just as clearly when talking to them in person. They’re quick to laugh and crack jokes, keeping a light-hearted nature even as they thoughtfully discuss their music and what they hope to accomplish with it. We recently caught up with the duo to talk about their new single, as well as a few career highlights and pivotal moments in their journey so far.
OTW: You recently dropped “Don’t” -- tell us about the inspiration and story behind the song.
Luke: We started with a guitar riff, and then in terms of the story behind the song, I compare it to an analogy. Basically when I was growing up, there was this willow tree in my front yard, and I’d always try and climb it, and everyone was like, “Why are you trying to climb this tree?” My friends were like, “You’ll get hurt,” my parents said I was wasting my time; I still have this scar on my elbow from falling off of it. But what they didn’t know is that when you did get to the top, it was the most beautiful view of my subdivision, the kind of view that made you forget how much you hated the climb. And I grew up and fell in love with a girl who was like that willow tree, so that’s kind of what the song is about to me.
Gus: Exactly, the climb --  is it worth the pain? It’s an addiction you just can’t get rid of.
Luke: Yeah, it paralleled romance so much, where everyone is like, “It’s not good for you,” and you even know it’s not good for you, like my elbow is split open. But it’s that one thing that meant something to you, so you just keep coming back to it.
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OTW: You both met at USC, and graduated in May. What was your biggest takeaway from your time at school?
Luke: Gus is sitting here in a leopard shirt, that’s the biggest takeaway. [Laughs]
Gus: Actually though, we met on the first day of class; it’s weird. He came and sat by me, for the record. We just kept working and working on a few different projects, and about a year ago we really got down to business with this. And then it’s been non-stop ever since, which is wicked.
Luke: USC’s very good at selecting people to come to the school that are passionate about something, so that was the biggest takeaway. This Trojan network thing, just being around all the kids they bring there is so invaluable.
OTW: You guys started out making electronic music, and then you switched to more indie-pop because it felt you could tell your stories better. Do you think you’ve found your sound now?
Gus: 100%. We just finished writing new songs with two different writing teams, and we have the sound. Every single song we make now, we can say that’s a VOILÀ song. It took a while, it took 3 years of just sitting, writing, making music, to really stumble across it. I think that’s important.
Luke: It’s funny, now we can go back to old songs that don’t have that sound, and we’re starting to re-do some of them. The idea is still there since the story is still true to us, but we’re redoing it with our new sound. That’s exciting.
OTW: Was there a moment where you knew you found it, or was it a gradual change?
Gus: Definitely gradual. We’ve written one album that’s unreleased, 17 songs. Off that album, we probably have 10 signature VOILÀ songs, and the rest were sort of the outliers. The next batch of songs that we’re on now, which is another album’s worth, all the songs are more in-line. Instead of ten being very similar, we have 12 or 13, and you sort of get closer and closer to a sound through that.
OTW: In terms of your lyrics, you guys sing about heartbreak in a lot of your music. What do you think is the best way to get through a breakup?
Luke: For me, it’s always literature, for everything. Whenever I’m trying to find the words to say something, you put it in a song, or you look for the words somewhere else. I was going back to a lot of the classic novels and romance structures; when you read them, it’s something about witnessing something else go through it even though they’re fictional. It’s the relatability, and the happy ending even if there isn’t one.
Gus: For me, I’m not good at it, so I’m probably the wrong person to ask. [Laughs] I think you have to embrace it, though. I’m a big believer that being broken early in your life is very beneficial when you can look back at it; I had a horrible experience that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. But, it’s the best thing that ever happened to me, it really makes you know yourself. But I can’t tell you how to get out of it, you just have to power through.
Luke: Everyone says to wear your heart on your sleeve; why not wear a broken heart? You have to embrace it, be proud of the scar.
OTW: Gus, you grew up in London while Luke grew up in Wisconsin. When you guys came to LA, what was your first culture shock moment?
Gus: Everything’s massive in the US, everything. From the cars to the signs to the people, everything. When I touched down, I accidentally missed orientation, I ended up skipping up the whole thing. I was there and I was thinking “this surely won’t matter,” and it was the biggest mistake. I got here and everything was dark, it was 9pm and the last day of orientation. The doors were locked and I didn’t have a card, I had to bang on the doors to get in. I had to wait until Monday and I came on a Saturday, it was miserable for a day or two until I finally got in the swing of it. The culture shock though, I still have that now. I don’t think it stops.
Luke: For me, when I got to LA, I got scouted to do modeling. Being from small-town Wisconsin, like buzzcut, beer drinking, football Wisconsin, I thought that didn’t exist. I vividly remember standing in this shoot, and there’s a guy with a bucket of potatoes, and he’s tossing the potatoes at me to catch for the pictures. I’m in this long robe, I’m wearing makeup for the first time in my life and my hair is all wavy, and I remember thinking, “what has happened?” [Laughs] It all hit me at one time, literally, as the potatoes were flying at me.
OTW: Do you still do modeling? How hard is it to balance that with your music?
Luke: You know, it fuels the music thing, because it’s my income. Every time I’m working I’m thankful for that opportunity, because it allows us to progress here, financially. So I’m thankful, but every time I do it I’m reminded about how passionate I am about this.
OTW: This summer, you opened up for Kesha, The Fray, and X Ambassadors. Talk about what that experience was like for you guys.
Gus: Amazing. It really opens your eyes to how open you’ve got to be, as an artist, when you’re singing about your own tragedies on stage. You really have to embrace that; there’s no act up there, everyone is seeing into your own life.  In Kesha’s case, it was like 15,000 people, it’s insane. It makes you grow suddenly, and realize your vision very fast.
Luke: When you hear people singing your own heartbreak back at you, it’s an interesting concept. It’s both healing and appalling at the same time. For me, performing with The Fray was one of those full-circle moments. The first song I had ever performed in my life was in my fourth grade talent show, it was “How to Save a Life.” And then there was a moment where I was watching them do it, I was speechless. You just hope that you can create music that there’s another kid in fourth grade who can get the song, and then they’ll open up for you.
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OTW: What’s the atmosphere you want to create at your live shows?
Gus: I think it’s kind of a mixture, between an Ed Sheeran show which can be very intimate, and then you also have the rocky pop aspect of a Twenty One Pilots show. You have the anthemic song where everyone can move, but you also have a number that’s more introspective, more raw. It’s sort of these people not really knowing exactly where they are, there’s happy and proud moments, but you also really have to stop and think for a second.
Luke: I want people to walk away feeling like they’ve had every opportunity to access us, whether that’s physically, like after the show I want to meet as many people as I possibly can. Same with the music, I want the communication to be so thorough, that they really feel like they’ve been through the story. I think accessibility is one thing that makes a lot of performers that I admire.
OTW: Last question -- who are some Ones to Watch artists that you’re excited about?
Gus: Ooh, there’s quite a few. We were just on BBC Introducing last weekend, there’s a guy who we’ve been on there a couple times called Jack Vallier.
Gus: Also, I love Ella Mai, British singer. She’s incredible, she really is something. That “Boo’d Up” song I saw blew up, but she’s been at it for a little bit, I really like her. A very different genre from us. And then Luke’s kind of into country music.
Luke: I love country music, I love the lyricism. I think some of the best lyricists are in Nashville. There’s this guy Spencer Crandall, who had found our music and messaged me. He’s unbelievable, he’s so accessible. He replies to everybody, he messages people all the time.
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