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btsyeonu · 5 months

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👣. !!: HIS BACKGROUND ‧₊˚

↺ 💌 ࣪ ˖ ∿ author’s note , @ tw : mentions of transphobia, mental health issues, gender dysphoria, mentions of illegally obtaining gender affirming care, mentions of top surgery, mentions of being outed

okay so. yeonu has definitely not had a very nice life as hinted through the trigger warnings ofc, but also i actually wasn’t planning on his trans status being made public until i was reading this fic and i had a moment lol so now i need to revise some bits from the profile chapter, but anyways enjoy!!

⊂ HIS ✶ CHILDHOOD ⊃

KIM YEONU'S story begins not as the person now adored by the world but as someone once known by a different name and set of pronouns that never quite felt right. Initially introduced to the world as Kim Yoonha, the first child born to parents Kim Taeho and Park Eunju, she charmed everyone with her sweet disposition, her chubby cheeks reminiscent of dumplings making her an instant favorite.

AS YOONHA grew, her interests diverged from the stereotypical expectations for girls her age. While other girls cherished dolls and traditional feminine roles, Yoonha found joy in playing with cars, cranes, and often took on the role of a husband in make-believe scenarios. This distinction stirred reactions among her playmates; while some boys accepted her choices, others demanded conformity to what they considered the “correct” roles. As a result, she found her place among the girls who embraced her unconventional preferences, allowing her to embody the role of a husband without judgment.

AT THIS STAGE, nothing felt overtly out of place. Yoonha recognised her interests didn't align with typical gender expectations but believed in embracing individual differences. Her friendships remained robust, spanning both boys and girls in her kindergarten. Many admired her unconventional qualities, viewing a “tomboyish” girl as cool during that period.

AS YEONU began elementary school, however, a watershed moment unraveled—a realisation that would forever alter the course of his understanding of self. It was a defining juncture, the genesis of an awareness that he was unequivocally not a girl. A curriculum lesson detailing the impending physical changes of puberty in girls struck Yeonu with terror. The thought of breast development, broader hips, and menstruation sent shivers down his spine.

THIS REACTION felt foreign, triggering an overwhelming sensation in his chest. A request to use the restroom led to Yeonu's first panic attack at the tender age of nine. He couldn't fathom undergoing these changes, a sentiment that only intensified as he gazed at his female classmates. The prospect of transitioning into womanhood was anathema to him.

THUS BEGAN YEONU'S quest for knowledge, an ardent pursuit to understand the changes that puberty brought. The deeper he delved into the contrasting trajectories of male puberty, the more profound his yearning grew. He craved a deep voice, strength, and stature—a desire that seemed unattainable. Was there no solution? Did he have to resign himself to this fate? The aversion to being seen as a woman consumed him, perplexing and tormenting his young mind.

THE INTERNAL STRUGGLE consumed him, his once-vibrant spirit waning. His parents, especially Eunju, discerned the gradual shift in their daughter's demeanor—withdrawn, subdued, and haunted by an invisible burden. Attempts to probe met a wall of silence; Yoonha feared revealing the truth, deeming these sentiments a form of psychological ailment. How could she change what nature had dictated? Were these yearnings for boyhood merely irrational?

AT HIS LOWEST, Kim Taeho, the steadfast figure in Yeonu's life, intervened. Always closer to her father, Yoonha sought solace in his comforting embrace, finally revealing the depths of her anguish. Tears flowed freely as Yoonha clung to her father, though in that embrace, she was not his daughter anymore.

HE HAD A SON. Kim Taeho's understanding surpassed Yoonha's expectations. It was he who illuminated the concept of transitioning, imparting a profound truth—“You were always a boy, sweetheart.”

AND IT WAS ALWAYS KIM TAEHO. He employed the male pronouns, renaming Yoonha to Yeonu, walking alongside him steadfastly through the journey of transition, affirming the essence of becoming his true self as a man.

⊂ PRE ✶ DEBUT ⊃

YEONU'S MOTHER reacted with palpable disapproval upon learning about Taeho and their child's transgender identity. For Yeonu, the stinging ache of his mother's immediate rejection became a shattering heartbreak, a pain he believed to be the deepest cut to his soul. Initially engulfed by a tumultuous struggle, he found strength through Taeho's unwavering support, even in the face of unrelenting hostility from others.

HIS FATHER STOOD as a shield, a pillar of light. Understanding the profound impact of female puberty on Yeonu's mental well-being, he arranged for puberty blockers, defying legal restrictions to shield his son from the changes that caused distress. Taeho's acts, though illegal, were driven solely by his desire to see his son find happiness.

WHEN YEONU EMBARKED on his path at BigHit Entertainment however, Taeho grappled with fear for his son's well-being. Aware of society's treatment of those diverging from societal norms, he strove tirelessly to maintain a constant presence in Yeonu's life, visiting frequently to ensure his son's welfare. However, for the adolescent navigating the complex terrain of transitioning into male puberty, these frequent visits proved stifling. Yeonu found himself caught between the protective gestures of his father and the desire for independence that came with this new chapter in his life.

THE PRESENCE OF Taeho visiting him often felt suffocating for Yeonu. The fear of being perceived as incapable or less “manly” by his peers in the company's environment spiked his anxiety. The prospect of his fellow trainees catching him in conversation with his father stirred an embarrassment that threatened to overshadow his desire to establish his identity independently. This dynamic birthed a subtle divide in their relationship—a time when Yeonu struggled to fend off his father's concerns, yearning to carve his path in music while attempting to distance himself from his father's constant worries.

AFTER A HEARTFELT one to one, Yeonu had been able to embrace his authentic self. The prospect of dwelling in a dorm surrounded by boys didn't daunt him. Having grown up among guys, often engaging with his brother's friends during sleepovers, this new chapter felt natural, fitting, and undeniably right. Yeonu's encounter with Namjoon remains etched vividly in his memory, a poignant moment marking the start of a new journey. The puberty blockers had started to make way for actual testosterone injections, leaving newcomers clueless as to Yeonu’s transgender status.

ALTHOUGH YEONU found comfort and acceptance among his fellow trainees—Namjoon, Hoseok, and Yoongi, he understood the importance of presenting as male in public spaces. The idea of “passing” carried significant weight, shielding him from the prejudgments of strangers. Despite the warm friendship he shared with the boys, he withheld the truth about his identity, a choice he made to navigate the complexities of acceptance and societal biases.

DURING HIS TIME as a trainee, Yeonu reveled in conversations about music, sports, and the casualness of late-night escapades. He cherished these moments of unguarded bonds, feeling at home amidst these men who shared similar interests and experiences. Though he contemplated the prospect of coming out, he found no immediate urgency in doing so, viewing it as a decision he would reserve for a later time. His resolve was firm: should he secure a spot in the final lineup, only then would he choose to reveal his truth to his fellow members.

AND SECURE HE DID. Yeonu, a dedicated hard worker brimming with an unyielding spirit, became part of a group that would later be known as the Bulletproof Boy Scouts, alongside Namjoon, Seokjin, Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung, and Jeongguk. Embracing these companions, he fostered a deep bond with each, cherishing shared aspirations.

HOWEVER, DESPITE his deep affection for the group, Yeonu found himself dealing with a difficult truth. The promise he made to reveal his identity slipped further from his grasp as the weight of potential repercussions loomed large. The fear of rejection, the haunting specter of being shunned or even ejected from the group, plagued his thoughts relentlessly. These apprehensions stifled his resolve to come out, compelling him to continue presenting himself as a cis man, even well into their debut.

⊂ DEBUT ✶ & BEYOND ⊃

IT WAS ACTUALLY quite early on into their debut that Yeonu had gone into surgery. The puberty blockers, although halted his female puberty, had only been able to be administered once he actually started puberty in the first place, leaving behind slight breast development that needed getting rid of. Nobody was made aware of what Yeonu’s surgery was actually for, instead being informed of a vague medical issue that’s been bothering the male for a long time.

THINGS WERE GOING WELL. Apart from being slightly reserved when it came to things like showering and changing completely butt booty naked in front of the others, Yeonu raised zero suspicions. He was quickly building a rapport for himself as a rookie rapper within the idol industry, and BTS as a whole were rising amongst the ranks with a solid promise of young talent.

BUT JUST AS QUICKLY AS they were rising, so were the growing number of haters that wished to break them down. It wasn’t long at all before malicious individuals would start digging into the members’ personal lives, scavenging for anything at all to make them look bad or raise eyebrows that would point and laugh and mock. And of course, it was poor old Yeonu that would take the fall for the ill intentions of others.

IT HADN’T ACTUALLY BEEN revealed that Yeonu was transgender. His family had done well to conceal traces of their son’s old identity apart from a few baby photos that would surface of Yeonu wearing dresses and honing slightly long hair. It got people questioning, brewing rumours that he was definitely born a woman while others would say that perhaps he just enjoyed dressing up as a kid and his parents would indulge him, but obviously people like a story. They went with the transgender theory, and soon that was all that anyone would talk about.

THE MEMBERS ALL HAD mixed reactions initially. Namjoon, who often delved into queer culture and history, had simply been a little surprised whilst others were confused, torn or anxious. Yeonu was in the heap of a mental breakdown at the news, shrivelling in on himself as he attempted to come to terms with his current situation.

IT WAS A TERRIFYING experience. He remembers the days in which the media would bombard him with questions, asking him to address the rumours and calling him by female pronouns. He remembers going on variety shows and feeling sorry for his fellow members when the questions would simply just get turned around to him possibly being transgender instead of actually talking about their latest comeback. He dealt with much abuse at this time from a lot of people, and it drained him in every way.

IT HAD EVEN REACHED a point in time in which Yeonu had expressed feelings of leaving the group altogether. From the constant abuse and judgment, topped with his crippling mental health, he was beginning to lose his will—he was losing faith in everything that he fought so hard for.

BUT THIS WAS WHEN the rest of Bangtan really pulled through for their Kim Yeonu. He was one of their own and there was no way in hell that they were simply going to sit by as those around them began treating the boy differently over something he couldn’t control. Of course they couldn’t be harsh to these interviewers and media outlets, but they were firm in their stance that Yeonu was no different to any of them. He was a boy. That was the end of that.

THINGS, ALTHOUGH still troublesome, got easier when the boys rallied up beside him in solidarity. They were the bulletproof shields that kept Yeonu intact for as long as he still stays standing to this day. The media had doubled down on the boys after noticing their unwavering loyalty to each other, attempting to pit them against the ‘black sheep’ of the group and disrupt their harmony.

IT NEVER WORKED. In fact, as the years had gone by, BTS only seemed to grow and rise in popularity as they began doing shows abroad, touring various countries and selling out shows completely. Yeonu stood tall and proud amongst his members and he would even be accepted and admired by overseas audiences, catapulted by some liberal interviewers that showered him in praises over his achievements as a queer artist.

IT HAD SPREAD AN inkling of warmth to hear such comforting words after years of struggle. It just goes to show that perseverance, against all odds, does indeed yield its deserved harvest.

💬 — YEONU’S TAGLIST.

@anqelws , @vizianary , @kaitieskidmore97 , @sann1e

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