#parlor tricks rewrite

[jibberjibbsart]

Wait I want to rewrite Sage’s backstory already.

It all starts with Sage’s mother Ana Tavreen.

The Tavreens were struggling nobles from the city of Waterdeep and were deeply indebted to the Graye family. To free themselves of their debt, the Tavreens promised their eldest daughter to the Graye’s eldest son, Octavian. Ana wanted to refuse the marriage, she wanted to marry for love, but she also wanted to help her family. She agreed and entered the loveless marriage.

Years go by and Ana is unable to conceive an heir. It is no secret that Octavian has taken many lovers during their marriage and she fears he is seeking an heir elsewhere. Conveniently she meets him.

He says the right things, it’s as if she has known him for years. She falls in love quickly. He tells her he can solve her problems, he can give her everything she desires. She agrees, and signs her soul away.

She becomes pregnant, and her mysterious suitor disappears. She tells Octavian they will finally have an heir, she saved her family.

Until the baby is born with blue skin, horns, a tail, and obsidian eyes. A tiefling.

The man Ana laid with was a Cambion, a half devil half mortal being. Normally they can’t reproduce with humans, but a human with tiefling ancestry can potentially produce a child. Ana’s family has infernal blood. Octavian was furious, but they had no other option. Clearly something was incompatible with them and they couldn’t have a child.

Using his connections, Octavian had a wizard create a glamour charmed amulet to disguise Sage. While they wore the amulet they would appear human. Because of the risks of the glamour fading and others discovering Sage’s true identity, they restricted Sage’s access to the rest of the world. They were to be homeschooled by a private tutor, they weren’t permitted to have friends, and they were only allowed brief appearances at parties. Octavian made excuses saying Sage was sickly and needed bed rest.

Sage’s mother loved them. She told them stories of faraway places and daring adventurers. Ana longed for Sage to live a normal life.

When Sage was 13, Ana gave birth to a baby girl named Juniper. She was human. Octavian called her perfect.

Sage snuck out of the house while everyone was celebrating the birth of Juniper. Sage ran until they reached the pier. Tears poured down their face and they couldn’t stop from crying out. Their mother would be busy with the baby now. Their father never looked at them. They would be alone. They looked at the glamour charm around their neck and almost ripped it off, but their hand stilled. They couldn’t risk exposing themself and ruining their family’s reputation. They turned around and planned to return before anyone noticed they were missing until a voice called out. A boy, a few years older than Sage, asked if they were okay. In his hands was a small ball of light, he was a magic user. Sage quickly stuffed their glamour charm in their shirt as they walked over to him. The light reflected in his soft brown eyes, Sage blushed. He asked if they knew any magic, and if they wanted to learn.

Months turned into years and Sage continued to sneak out to meet the boy by the docks. It turned out that Sage was quite proficient at channeling the weave. Sage still hadn’t revealed their true identity to their friend, but they wanted to. They had developed feelings for him and they wanted to be honest with him.

One night he told Sage he had something to tell them. He was leaving Waterdeep and going to a school to deepen his understanding of magic. He took Sage’s hand and told them to join him. Sage had told him how strict their parents were, but he insisted they would understand. Before Sage left to go home, the boy kissed their cheek and wished them good luck. Sage decided to tell him their secret tomorrow. Tomorrow would be different.

Sage’s father was furious. He couldn’t believe Sage would risk their family’s reputation for learning silly parlor tricks. He locked them in their room and forbade them from using any more magic. He especially didn’t want them sneaking out anymore so he assigned a butler to watch over their door.

Once the seasons changed, Sage knew their friend had left Waterdeep long ago. They never got to say goodbye. They never told him their true identity.

On Juniper’s 5th birthday they had a big celebration. It was a stormy night and Sage was permitted to mingle (it would’ve been odd not to have the eldest Graye child celebrate their younger sibling’s fifth birthday after all). Sage was glued to the walls the entire evening, only their mother gave them any company.

It was towards the end of the night when guests were thanking Ana and Octavian for the invitation when Sage overheard it. A woman around their mother’s age talking to their father. She mentioned her son, and his name was all too familiar. It was their friend from the docks. This was his mother! Sage perked up and approached the woman, Sage’s father was furious they interrupted the conversation. Sage asked her how their friend was doing and his mother realized who they were.

“It was a shame that you weren’t able to attend with him, he didn’t say why but he seemed real torn up about it.”

Something in Sage snapped, their heart hurt. They couldn’t stop themselves from crying. Their father grabbed their arm and demanded they pull themself together but Sage couldn’t hear him. Energy crackled around them, it was as if the weave itself was reacting to Sage’s emotions. They tore their arm away from their father and a jolt of electricity burst from them. Sage’s amulet shattered from the sudden release of energy and the glamour faded, their form shimmered and their horns and tail materialized. Soft gasps were heard around the parlor as Octavian held his arm, smoking from the lightning. He demanded they leave, and Sage’s mother begged them to stay. Sage ran off into the stormy night, away from Waterdeep, never to return.

Years later after being kidnapped by mind flayers and infected with a tadpole, Sage pulls a quick witted wizard out of a magical stone. A wizard that hails from Waterdeep, and has suspiciously familiar brown eyes.

#let’s play guess who sage’s biological dad is! #also yes Gale is Sage’s childhood friend #I just think childhood friends to lovers is sweet #tav #tav x gale #gale x tav #gale dekarios #gale of waterdeep #bg3 #baldur's gate oc #baldur’s gate 3 #baldur’s gate #Sage tavreen #OC #dnd

[thestoner-simmer]

Castle Build + Lore

Spellman Castle

Gallery ID:thebleu_phoenix

Contains CC

In the mystical realm of Glimmerbrook, where ancient oaks whispered secrets and moonlight danced upon cobblestone streets, there resided a small castle—a relic of forgotten spells and untold tales. This castle, nestled atop a hill, was known as Spellman Manor.

Natasha Spellman, a young spellcaster with eyes like starlit skies, had just inherited Spellman Manor from her ancestors—the illustrious Spellman lineage. The castle stood as a testament to their magical prowess, its walls etched with runes and its corridors echoing with the whispers of forgotten incantations.

As Natasha stepped across the threshold, the air hummed with anticipation. The castle seemed to recognize her—the last of the Spellmans—and welcomed her with a gentle breeze that ruffled her midnight-blue cloak. The ancient portraits lining the grand hallway watched her intently, their eyes following her every move.

The Library of Lost Spells awaited her exploration. Its shelves sagged under the weight of grimoires, scrolls, and dusty tomes. Natasha traced her fingers over titles like “Darley Porter & The Basment Of Shadows ” and “Tome Of Plentiful Needs.” She vowed to unlock their secrets, to master spells that would weave her destiny anew.

But Spellman Manor held more than just knowledge. It harbored memories—the laughter of her great-grandmother, the scent of lavender in the garden, and the echo of her mother’s lullabies. Natasha wandered through the halls, discovering hidden chambers and enchanted mirrors that reflected glimpses of other worlds.

In the Tower of Celestial Whispers, she found an ancient telescope. Its lenses revealed constellations unknown to mortal astronomers. Natasha gazed at the Silver Serpent, a celestial guardian said to watch over the Spellman bloodline. Its scales shimmered, and she wondered if it held the answers to her purpose.

Outside, the Garden of Moonblossoms bloomed. Each flower possessed unique properties—a Stardust Rose that granted visions, a Lunar Lily that whispered forgotten memories, and a Twilight Orchid that could mend broken hearts. Natasha tended to them, her magic intertwining with the earth.

Yet, Spellman Manor was not without its challenges. The castle had a mind of its own, occasionally playing tricks on unsuspecting guests. The Poltergeist Parlor was infamous for its mischievous spirits, who rearranged furniture and hid keys.

One moonlit night, as Natasha stood on the castle’s highest turret, she glimpsed a figure in the distance—a cloaked stranger with eyes like embers. Ezra Stormweaver, a fellow spellcaster, appeared at her doorstep. His purpose remained shrouded, but his presence stirred something within her—a longing for adventure beyond Spellman Manor’s walls.

Together, they delved into the castle’s mysteries. They deciphered cryptic riddles, battled enchanted suits of armor, and danced under the Aurora Chandelier that hung in the ballroom. Their magic intertwined, creating sparks that ignited forgotten flames.

As the seasons changed, so did Natasha. She discovered her family’s legacy extended beyond spells—it was about love, sacrifice, and the delicate balance between light and shadow. Spellman Manor became her sanctuary, a place where she could rewrite her destiny.

And so, the tale of Natasha Spellman echoed through Glimmerbrook—a spellcaster who embraced her heritage, unlocked ancient magic, and found love amidst the moon-kissed stones of Spellman Manor.

May the stars guide her path, and may Spellman Manor’s secrets illuminate her soul.

#sims 4 #speedbuild #sims build #castle #Youtube

[talkingfilmsnet]

Mind-Bending Plot Twists in American Fiction Films: A Critical Analysis

Forget predictable narratives and cookie-cutter endings, cinephiles! We're embarking on a rollercoaster ride through the labyrinthine world of American fiction films, where mind-bending plot twists aren't just surprises, they're intricate puzzles designed to twist your expectations and leave you reeling. This isn't a casual popcorn-munching experience; it's a critical dissection, a celebration of narrative alchemy, and a tribute to the films that dare to bend our perception of reality itself.

Shifting Gears: From Linear to Labyrinthine: American fiction review embrace the freedom of narrative. They defy the tired tropes of predictable three-act structures, instead weaving labyrinthine plots that double back on themselves, introduce jarring shifts in perspective, and leave you questioning everything you thought you knew. "Memento" fragments time, "Inception" folds dreams into reality, and "Mulholland Drive" dances between dreamscape and noir nightmare, proving that storytelling can be a dizzying, yet exhilarating, mental exercise.

Plotlines: The Art of the Unexpected: The best twists aren't just shocks; they're revelations, cleverly planted clues exploding into shattering realizations that rewrite the film's entire context. Think of the gut-wrenching reveal in "The Sixth Sense," the mind-bending loop in "Primer," or the existential twist in "Fight Club." These films play a game of chess with the audience, dropping subtle hints, establishing unreliable narrators, and slowly tightening the noose of suspense until the twist hits with the force of a cinematic sucker punch.

Characters: Unmasking the Unreliable: American fiction movies love unreliable narrators, characters whose perceptions are askew, motivations hidden, and memories unreliable. They become prisms through which we experience the story, leading us down false paths, questioning our own interpretations, and reminding us that perception is just as subjective as reality itself. "Shutter Island" blurs the lines between sanity and delusion, "Gone Girl" toys with unreliable perspectives, and "The Usual Suspects" redefines the unreliable narrator with its iconic reveal. These films keep us guessing, questioning who to trust, and ultimately appreciating the power of narrative manipulation.

Themes Reflected and Distorted: Mind-bending twists aren't just parlor tricks; they're tools for exploring complex themes in unexpected ways. Think of the existential quandaries of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," the unreliable memories echoing historical trauma in "Oldboy," or the exploration of identity and perception in "Vertigo." These films use twists to challenge our assumptions about reality, memory, and human nature, leaving us grappling with uncomfortable truths and pondering the deeper questions long after the credits roll.

Visual Symphony of Clues: Don't underestimate the role of visuals in setting up and delivering a mind-bending twist. American fiction films weave subtle clues into every frame, from symbolic camera angles to recurring motifs, color palettes that shift with changing realities, and editing techniques that manipulate time and space. "The Shining" bathes in unsettling symmetry, "Donnie Darko" plays with fractured timelines, and "The Matrix" bends reality with CGI spectacle, reminding us that the visuals are not just eye candy, but integral parts of the narrative puzzle.

More Than Just Gasps: The best mind-bending twists aren't just cheap thrills; they're catalysts for conversation, analysis, and reinterpretation. They leave us scratching our heads, revisiting scenes with newfound understanding, and engaging in heated debates about the film's true meaning. "The Conversation" sparks discussions about privacy and surveillance, "The Prestige" redefines the nature of obsession and rivalry, and "2001: A Space Odyssey" throws open the door to endless philosophical interpretations. These films are cinematic puzzles begging to be solved, inviting us to become active participants in the storytelling process.

So, buckle up, cinephiles, and prepare to have your mind blown. Dive into the world of American fiction movie review where twists aren't just surprises, they're artistic tapestries woven with meticulous detail, layered with thematic resonance, and delivered with cinematic mastery. Remember, the best twists aren't just shocks; they're windows into the boundless potential of storytelling, leaving us breathless, bewildered, and eager to uncover the secrets hidden within the labyrinthine narratives. Let the mind games begin!

[memorymistress]

{jeon yeo-bin, 28, cis woman, she/her} || min-ji nam is a mutant with the ability of memory manipulation they’ve been in new york for two years where they spend most of their time as mortician. when i think of them, i think of the name of a childhood friend you can’t quite remember, ink bleeding through a page, hands that don’t warm up, a long black coat with two buttons missing.

nam min-ji was the first child and only daughter to two loving parents.  she’s born in a small fishing town in korea. she’d remain an only child for four years, until her brother was born. her first seven years were unremarkable, then her parents pack everything and move to america for a work opportunity for her dad. she has an eidetic memory, which helped a lot during her schooling. she speaks two languages: korean and english, along with a small bit of french thanks to a required high school class. her life is normal, and she pursues a degree in chemistry with a minor in photography, and the former would lead to her pursuing an associate’s degree in mortuary science. after seven years of college, she’d shadow a local funeral director for a full year before going off on her own. her work has taken her all sorts of cities, even back to korea for a short stint. now, she’s back home in new york, running her own funeral parlor for the past two years. 

those are the facts. that’s her life story. 

it’s all wrong. 

nam min-ji was the first and only daughter to two loving parents. she’s born in a small fishing town in korea. she’d remain an only child for four years, until her brother was born. when she was five, she started a game that would entertain her friends and other neighborhood kids. if she touched their hand, she could tell them what they had for breakfast, what their mother had told them earlier in the day word for word, or what they’d gotten for their last birthday. the kids were amazed at min-ji’s ability, and begged for her to teach them. she’d just smile. by six, kids would come up to her in school for help remembering where their house was, what the teacher had said an hour beforehand, or other things their little minds couldn’t quite recall. but min-ji always could. 

the fun and games ended when her teacher noticed how children flitted to and from her desk. she wanted to know what was going on, as the disruptions were becoming a nuisance. min-ji, a little kid and proud of what she could do, wanted to show off to the adult. she grabbed her hand. images filled her head of a man yelling, and she could hear her teacher yelling back, something about money and cheating. min-ji frowned at her teacher, and repeated the exact words the man had used at her. the adult flinched and looked at her in horror. 

it was the beginning of the end. 

she’s sent to the headmaster’s office. neither them or the teacher could decide what was there to do about her. was she spying on the teacher? had her parent’s heard and told her? any rational conclusion couldn’t fit as how had the girl been able to say exactly what the teacher’s husband had? at the mention of touch causing it, they came to one solution: min-ji could no longer have skin to skin contact at school. she was to come everyday in gloves.

little min-ji became a pariah in a matter of days. there were whispers of what caused her new daily accessory, why the teacher wouldn’t even look in her direction anymore, if her ability to look in the past was actually a curse. her parents took her to different doctors, all of which had no clue what caused min-ji’s abilities. 

a year after her incident at school, a group of kids a grade older than her cornered min-ji in alley. they grabbed her hand and yanked a glove off. 

“show us your magic trick, freak.” 

min-ji, in tears and scared as the other kids pushed and smacked her head, discovered a new skill she had. as her hand was placed in one of bully’s, she saw a blur of memories and shut her eyes tight. she wanted it all to stop. stop. stop. STOP. and then it did. she was back in her own mind, and a sense of calmness washed over her. the other kid wasn’t so lucky. he dropped her hand and looked around. 

“where am i?” their group’s eyes widened. “who are you?” he questioned. unable to understand what was going on, the children screeched, one pulling on their now confused friend away from her. 

“get away from her! get away!” they yelled to each other. 

word was spread around. the boys’ parents are furious, claimed min-ji cursed their son. the entire town was aware of min-ji’s...quirk now, and they were furious. nothing her parents said could soothe the angry mob. a sympathetic doctor had contacted them, and let them know of a school that taught children like her in new york. her parents had no other choice, as they were just as worried about their daughter as much as their neighbors were scared of her. 

within the next few months, her family were moved to a two bedroom apartment in new york. in another week, min-ji was enrolled in the xavier institute. the harassment from their town, move, and overall culture shock of a new place had shaken min-ji. she didn’t understand what made her so different, made her so hated. 

slowly, she became to understand it. as she met the other kids, she could see their various talents and how hers weren’t just an everyday oddity. for awhile, things improved. she still wore her gloves, but with one on one teacher instructions, she learned to control and sharpen her abilities. there were still bumps and dives in the road, but nothing too bad. 

then, she took off her gloves one day. she’d met someone she’d wanted to hold hands with, to touch without fabric as a barrier. it was a mistake. she wasn’t ready. 

her excitement caused her to push her own memories onto her current crush, so much so they felt like they were experiencing it. for the first time in more than half a decade, she saw the emotion she saw in those kids’ eyes in the alley. fear. 

the other students started to avoid her. they’d flinch if she even brushed past. they were all different, but now people realized fully what min-ji could, the extent of it. how do you know if your memories are your own? is she messing with us right now? i feel like i’m forgetting everytime i’m in a room with her. min-ji realized even mutants couldn’t resist acting on their panic. 

still, there were a couple of people who stayed by her side, were friends with her. it didn’t ease the sting of people being scared of her entirely, but it helped her cope. as soon as she graduated, she was out of there. professor xavier had been kind enough to pay for her schooling to a university. she flourished there as no one knew she was any different. her parents were proud, happy that she’d grown up to be the woman she was. they found her choice of career a bit funny, but were glad she knew what she wanted to do. 

it’s during her year shadowing a funeral director things are thrown awry. the president confirms the existence of mutants. people will find out. they always want to know why she wore the gloves. 

with mutants coming out of the shadows, she panicked even moreso. she left the city, wanting as much distance between her and the school as possible. then, she couldn’t run anymore. she was in charge of someone who turned out to be a mutant, as well as their friends who attended the service. one had the ability to see other people’s mutation. he pulled her aside, began peppering her with questions. her repeated denial was met with an invitation. they had a group of mutants, people to test their powers with. if you don’t let it out once in awhile, you’ll explode. that conversation kept her up for weeks, until she finally gave in. it was uncomfortable at first, as she was resistant to revealing her abilities. when she did, it wasn’t fright that met her. it was amazement. 

she’s thriving again, but this time as herself. her true self. everything was going well, she was happier than ever. her powers weren’t a curse. they could make people happy, make her happy, like they had as a child.  

but she started to use it too much. she overexerted herself. she began having ideas, ways to speed up mutant acceptance. as she discovered she didn’t even need to touch people to look into their memories, to change it. why couldn’t i just meet the president, rewrite his history so he comes up with stronger mandates for mutant protection? some were for it, most were wary. you’re going off the deep end. take a step back. she didn’t care, she had a gift and wanted to use it. the amount of bodies coming into the parlor that were mutants had skyrocketed over the years. something had to be done.

the group agreed, just not with her. a plan was made with the other telepath among them as the main player. with their abilities, as min-ji slept one night, they put a stop to min-ji’s fantastical plans by erasing her knowledge she was a mutant at all. it took some time, to fill such a large part of her life enough that she wouldn’t be suspicious. 

it worked. min-ji started over without knowing it, and has been living that way for the past eight months. she wore gloves because her hands were always cold. i was born to be a mortician, huh? she’d joke to people once she told them her line of work. it’s normal. she’s normal. nothing could change that. right? 

okay so hi! i would love to plot with everyone and write with everyone! i’m izzy aka bells (i answer to either!) my discord is gaytendo#6961 or you can im me on here!! i can’t wait to write and talk with all of you!!

#do you recognize the face in the mirror? —「 appearance 」 #i've got a suitcase of memories that i almost left behind. —「 musings 」 #everybody cut footloose! —「 walkman 」 #oh. you just reminded me of someone. —「 answered 」 #say you’ll remember me. —「 interactions 」 #you thought this was an intro? it was a tag dump all along #death tw #bullying tw

[baekhyunbitz]

(6:41 p.m)

You and Baekhyun decide to go to an ice cream parlor for your date tonight, the sweet aroma of the sugary goods fill your lungs as you walk through the door.

"What would you like babe? I'll pay for them while you go find our seats."

"An ice cream sundae sounds delicious right now."

"You got it." A smile appears on his lips before he kisses your temple then walking off towards the clerk at the counter. You found the perfect spot towards the back where there were no prying eyes from the windows. Baekhyun makes his way to where you are sitting, placing your treats on the table and taking his place in front of you. You two dig in as you talk about your days and how your families have been with the occasional foot nudges under the table and kisses.

"Want to see a trick?" You both finished your treats, all that's left is the cherry that used to be on top of your sundae.

"I'm intrigued on what trick you could do exactly with a cherry." He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms with a smug look on his face. You stick the cherry in your mouth, separating it from the stem. After the cherry is gone, you stick the stem into your mouth and move it around with your tongue causing Baekhyun to wonder exactly what you were doing. He scrunched his eyebrows together,leaning foward a bit more, intrigued with what you were doing then it dawned on him. You pulled the stem out of your mouth slowly, revealing the knot perfect formed, a smile now on display across your lips.

"How come you've never told me you can do that?" His velvety black eyes hold a new desire and want in them, his smirk not far behind. You shrug your shoulders,

"It never came up I guess." He stands up quickly, grabbing onto your hand and pulling you out of your seat and towards the door.

"Where are we going Baek?"

"We're going home so I can see what else this tongue of yours can do." He turns back to look at you with a wink.

For @taerrific7

Sorry it took so long hun! I finally had the energy to finish it. I hope you like it!

(I actually had to rewrite it cause tumblr hates me and deleted everything I wrote and wouldn't let me post😣)

#exo #super m #byun baekhyun #baekhyun #exo moodboards #exo moodboard #super m moodboard #super m moodboards #exo byun baekhyun #exo baekhyun #super m byun baekhyun #super m baekhyun #byun baekhyun x reader #baekhyun x reader #byun baekhyun time stamp #baekhyun time stamp #baekhyun fluff #exo time stamp #super m time stamp #kpop #baekhyunbitz moodboards #baekhyunbitz moodboard #baekhyunbitz #exols #exo baekhyun time stamp #exo baekhyun moodboard #super m baekhyun time stamp #super m baekhyun moodboard #implied smut

[monstrousgourmandizingcats]

2, 3, 11, and 20 for the writing asks!

2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

I’m most looking forward to two planned novellas, “A Trick of the Light” and “Time Con”, which are going to be the last two installments in a series of seven thematically linked novellas associated with the seven sacraments. “A Trick of the Light” is going to follow a young woman who’s recently moved in with her grandparents in the countryside through a series of time slips as she sees her new house as it’s existed in the 1810s, the 1860s, and the 1930s. It’s going to be a very free rewrite of a first draft of a novel that I wrote in 2012 that had no supernatural or science-fictional elements but had the same main characters and dealt with the same themes--city vs. country, nuclear family vs. extended family, living solely for the present vs. living “deep into history” as St. John Henry Newman liked to say. “Time Con” is going to be about a team of people who’ve been sent back in time to steal a painting that’s been destroyed in a museum fire in the future that they’re coming back from; it’s going to feature deliberately loathsome characters whose redeeming traits will be revealed gradually as it goes on. “A Trick of the Light” is the communion story and “Time Con” is the anointing of the sick story.

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

It’s actually a scene from “A Trick of the Light”! The main character finds herself in her bedroom (which is a repurposed front parlor) just after the 1860 Presidential election, and joins a group of abolitionist ancestors of hers who are sitting around a table gushing about Lincoln. They pass judgment on her for being Catholic (because the Pope at the time was an evil son of a bitch who all but overtly favored the Slave Power) but her tank-top-and-leggings outfit somehow goes completely without comment. After about half an hour she’s returned to the 2010s.

11. What do you envy in other writers?

Patience for rewrites. I have a bad habit of moving on from a piece of writing once I’ve finished the first draft, even though I’m extremely diligent about cranking that first draft out.

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

I’m fascinated to see how people who don’t share my religious and political views will see the religious and political content in my writing. Will they see it as annoyingly didactic? Will devout members of religions other than Christianity see applicability to issues within their own religions? Will people act like the Christianity and the left-wing political expressions are somehow at odds, even though I try to write them as two halves of a whole? I’d love to find out.

I’m also interested in how my preference for mostly-female casts will go over. Women who have read my writing have told me they appreciate it a lot, but a hypothetical mass audience might have mixed feelings on it because oftentimes stories with woman-heavy casts end up with sexist, discourse-choked fandoms that cancel all the characters. There’s also a lot of canon f/f relationships in my writing, and for a lot of audiences that raises red flags coming from a nominally-male author.

ETA: I just realized I misunderstood what this question is asking. But I like the answer I gave, so it stays.

Fun meta asks for writers

#writing #give me love give me memes #connanro

[screamingatanemptyroom]

A Star Wars Story for May 4th

Ok. To celebrate May the 4th, being a huge Star Wars nerd, I’ve done something I’ve never done before:

I’ve written fan fiction.

Sooo... this is my first time doing this. Not sure if I did it right, but here it is guys. The setting is a rewrite of Episode 1. Starts on Tatooine, with Anakin. (Who’s a teenager, because I never liked him being a kid). I’ve changed a lot of things, kept a few things. It’s just me writing how I wished the start of Episode 1 had gone. I hope you enjoy!

“Anakin look out!” 

The Rodian Wald called out desperately, holding out a tired hand as if to pull him back, but too far to intervene.

The teenage boy he tried to warn turned back to face him, shooting a cocky grin before flipping over the knife headed his way. Snatching it out of mid-air, he looked at the blade with an amused expression.

“Really, Watto? We’re throwing knives at my back again?”

The grey-scaled creature which had thrown the weapon scowled, its yellow eyes blinking rapidly as Tatooine’s wind kicked sand around them. “You owe me money, human rat.”

“Well actually, my dead-beat father owed you money.” Anakin stepped closer, his gaze intently focused on the Toydarian, tapping the metal blade idly against his chin. “Then you worked my mother to death trying to force her to pay it back.”

Watto laughed, an unpleasant sound. “Which she failed to do. Not my fault you humans are so fragile.”

THUNK

The Toydarian let out an agonized groan as the thrown knife buried itself in the creature’s shoulder.

Anakin shrugged. “Oops, sorry, did that knife slip out of my hand?” He grinned. “Must have been my frail human fingers.”

“I’ll kill you!” Watto screamed as he pulled the knife out, green blood dripping onto the sand between them. “I’ll tear you limb from limb!”

“Great plan! Just one problem:” Anakin stepped forward, chuckling as the Toydarian leapt backwards in fear, his voice dropping down almost to a whisper. “You’d have to catch me first. And I’m far too lucky for that to happen.”

“Son of a…” Watto growled, his hands reaching out as if longing to strangle the young human before him. But before he could get far, a shipping crate piled up nearby slipped and fell, striking the creature on the head and knocking him out.

“See what I mean?” Anakin turned away, giving a thumbs-up to his friend Wald who still stood nearby, frozen in fear. “Thanks for the heads up, buddy!”

The young Rodian shook himself, his multi-faceted eyes blinking rapidly, antenna twitching, as sign of his over-stressed state. “Anakin… have I ever told you that you’re insane?”

The teenager laughed. “Multiple times.”

“I would like to re-iterate that statement.”

“Thanks, friend. BY the way…” He held out a small metal object. “The Repulsor generator he stole from you.”

“You- you got it?!!” Wald couldn’t hide his utter shock. “Watto will kill you!”

Anakin spread his hands helplessly. “He already wanted to kill me! What’s he gonna do, kill me twice? Besides, your dad needed this in the upcoming race, right?”

“Yeah, we were going to have to forfeit.” The Rodian clutched the generator to his chest. “We can’t afford to pay you back…”

“Oh shut up!” Anakin laughed. “What are friends for?”

“But the risk…”

“Don’t worry about it!” He leapt up, kicking against the wall for momentum and landing on the rooftop above, looking down at his friend with a smile. “I’m lucky, remember?”

Wald watched his friend disappear, letting out a quiet sigh. “Everyone’s luck runs out sometime, friend.”

“Hey you bastard, where did you go?”

This question greeted Anakin as he walked into his tiny apartment.

“Owen, who let you in?” He took off his sand-coated jacket with a sigh of relief, slapping it with his palm a few times to clean it off.

“Your crappy security system did.” Owen, Anakin’s half brother leaned back on the only chair in the room, his boots propped up casually on the table. “We were going to go get a drink, remember?”

“Shoot, you’re right.” Anakin shook his head. “Sorry, got distracted by a little side project. Rain check?”

The smile slowly drained from Owen’s face. “What do you mean, ‘side project’?”

“I didn’t say side project.” Anakin waved a hand in front of him, but his half brother only stood up with an irritated expression.

“Stop trying your little mind tricks, Anakin. They only worked when we were kids and now it just gives me a headache. What. Side. Project?”

“Spoilsport.” Anakin muttered, scuffing a boot against the rough floor. “Watto stole a repulsor part from Wald’s dad. I just got it back.”

“You stole it.”

“RE-stole it.” Shrugging, he reached into a cabinet on the side and grabbed a nutrition pack, tearing it open with his teeth. “A much more noble effort than regular old stealing.”

“He’ll come after you.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

Owen rubbed his head, clearly frustrated. “He and his goons will kill you. He’s friend’s with the Hutt.”

Anakin’s grin never wavered. “Have to die sometime.”

SLAM! Owen’s fist came down on the table, almost cracking the cheap plastic.

“DAMMIT ANAKIN! Some of us actually care if you live or die!” his hand ran through his hair, as he sighed loudly. “And did you ever think that once he got done with you he might come after me and my mother?”

“He wouldn’t…”

“Watto would and you know it. You’re not the only one paying back the debt dearest old dad left behind.” He snorted derisively. “What an idiot.”

“Hey, he was a Jedi.” Anakin felt strangely defensive hearing Owen criticize their father, even if he often said the same thing.

“So he claimed. If he’s telling the truth then the Jedi are worthless.” Owen rolled his eyes. “He came to this planet, drank and gambled himself into oblivion, fathered a couple of kids and died, leaving everyone to deal with the mess he left behind.”

“He used to say he had seen the worst the Force could do. And that he drank to forget.”

“Then he should have tried forgetting how to gamble too. A Jedi? What a joke! No Jedi should act like that.”

Anakin stared at his half brother solemnly. “Jedi are people too, Owen. And you and I know better than anyone…” He put his uneaten food ration on the table his eyes staring off into nothing.

“Anyone can be broken.” 

“…” Owen stared at him silently for a few moments, then sighed. “Want to spend the night at our place? My mom made an extra portion for dinner.”

“No thanks, Watto will probably send some trouble my way.” He gave a wry smile. “Probably better if you two don’t get involved.”

“Okay, but call me if you need me.” Owen patted Anakin’s back before heading out the door. “Try not to die.”

“Don’t worry about me!” Anakin called back. “I’m luc…”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re SO lucky. Idiot.”

With that last mutter, Owen was out the door, and Anakin was alone.

Anakin was working in his back room, putting the final touches on his pod racer. Tightening a few screws, he sat back with a sigh. “Almost finished.”

He grinned, tapping the rusted old part. “Should have just kept the repulsor generator. It’s the last thing I need.”

Staring back at the ceiling, he shook his head slowly, muttering. “No. Needed to give it back to Wald, or I’d never sleep at night. I’m going to build this racer with my own two hands, win first place, and use the cash to get off this planet.” He paused, thinking. “Maybe need to give some to Owen and his mother so they can pay off some debt too… Don’t want her ending up like Mom.” He reached over sadly, tapping a small picture in a frame that stood on the shelf nearby amongst the tools and spare parts. On it was his mother, her bright smile not enough to hide the weariness behind her eyes.

“Sorry I couldn’t do this in time to save you.”

BAM. BAM. BAM.

A loud hammering on the door startled him out of his reverie. He listened carefully, trying to get a sense of what awaited him. His gut, which was rarely wrong, told him that there were some dangerous people at the door, but nothing he couldn’t handle.

BAM. BAM.

“Gotta go greet the neighbors I guess!” He swung to his feet, moving unhurriedly to his front door, which swung up with a last loud BAM!

“I really have to improve my security.”

“Anakin Skywalker.” Two Wequays stood at the doorway, their grey skin tightly stretched over large, bulky muscles. “Prepare to meet your doom.”

Anakin took a deep breath, holding out a hand before him. “There’s no Anakin Skywalker here, guys. Sorry you got the wrong house.”

“…” After a few tense moments, their eyes became cloudy, and the two hired thugs nodded woodenly. “We got the wrong house.” They turned around in unison and walked away. 

Anakin closed his slightly broken door, leaning against and sliding down to the floor with a sigh. He was grateful that his little parlor mind trick worked on them.

It was the only thing he ever learned from his father. Of course, at the time the old drunk had been muttering about “force this” and “force that” but he knew there was probably a logical explanation behind why it worked on some and not others.

 It wasn’t perfect. They would come to their senses eventually, and would be back to beat him senseless.

“Looks like I’m camping in the dunes tonight. Again.” He groaned, burying his face in his hands. “Better bring the racer with me this time, otherwise they’ll just smash it.”

“…” The apartment was silent, other than the sound of wind whistling thought the gap in the door, striking him on the back. He shivered slightly, his gut warning him that big dangerous things were on their way.

“I need to get off this planet.”

“Master Qui-Gon, I’m sensing something sinister on the planet’s surface below.” Obi-Wan looked down at his master with a  worried expression. “Maybe we should reconsider stopping there.”

The older Jedi stopped his quiet meditation, looking over at his padawan with a smile. “And what is it that you sense, young padawan?”

“I can’t make it clearer than that.” Obi-Wan shook his head. “Just that something or someone we encounter on that planet will bring about great danger to us. If we push this ship, we may be able to make it to the next system.”

Qui-Gon smiled. “The Trade Federation’s attack disabled our hyperdrive. We’re not getting very far without that.”

“You two aren’t trying to delay us even further, are you?” A young woman stepped forward from the living quarters area of the ship, her face concerned. “Time is of the essence!”

“I’m just saying…” Obi-Wan tried to explain, but she cut him off with a curt gesture.

“My people are dying. I will not delay any further than I have to. Can we get a replacement hyperdrive on that planet? 

Master Qui-Gon looked inwards, before answering with a slight smile. “Yes.”

“Then we’re landing. End of discussion.”

“Of course, Princess Amidala.”

Amidala frowned. “I prefer Senator. I’m not here on my father’s business, but on behalf of Alderaan as a part of the Republic.”

“My apologies, Senator.”

“Notify me as soon as we touch down on the planet.” Without looking behind her, Amidala left the two Jedi, who stared at each other silently.

 “I don’t like her, Master.”

Qui-Gon chuckled. “Jedi don’t let personal feelings cloud their judgement.”

“But we can still have personal feelings!”

“… Some on the council would disagree with you.”

“Is that why you keep refusing to sit on the council?”

The older Jedi smiled. “Among other reasons.”

“And about the danger I sensed…”

“Keep an eye out, but do not let fear distort your connection to the Force.”

“APPROACHING PLANET TATOOINE.” A mechanical voice from the ship’s computer spoke out. “Please prepare for landing.”

Both Jedi fell silent, staring down at the planet below. Each sensed something of the future that awaited them. Neither willing to disclose the plans silently forming to deal with that future. 

“Anakin, you aren’t dead!”  Wald smiled, his antenna moving in a happy twitch, as he waved a green hand at his friend.

Anakin laughed. “Last time I checked, at least.”

Wald looked around him, whispering, “Hey, you better be careful, I heard Watto’s men are looking for you.”

“Thanks for the heads up.” Anakin conveniently didn’t mention that they had found him, several times. Not all could be persuaded to leave without a fight. Fortunately his luck had held up so far, with random objects falling in their paths, tripping them up, making it easier for him to land some good hits in.

“No problem buddy, least I can do after you got my dad’s repulsor generator back.” A thought stuck the young Rodian, and he grabbed Anakin’s arm with excitement. “Actually, that reminds me! Apparently a fancy ship landed in the C strip this morning. They’re looking for a hyperdrive.”

“So?” Anakin shrugged. “Plenty of people willing to sell hyperdrives around here. Some of them even came by them honestly.”

“That’s the problem.” Wald grinned. “They don’t have money. Apparently they are Jedi, and are on some sort of mission. They want to use Republic credits…”

“Which are worthless here.”

“Exactly.”

“Why are you telling me this again?” Anakin raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe you can help them! You know, help them find someone who will work with them.”

“And get paid in credits?” Anakin laughed. “No thanks.”

“Maybe they can pay you with a ride?”

“…” Anakin stared at his friend silently for a few moments. “That’s… not a terrible idea!”

“You don’t have to sound so surprised…”

“Thanks buddy, I’ll head over to the C strip…”

“ANAKIN!” A loud roar interrupted their discussion. Anakin looked over to see the goons from the night before pointing at him, their expressions enraged.

“Oops, Watto’s men. Gotta run.”

Wald stepped out of the way, looking concerned. “Good luck, Friend!”

“I’m always lucky!” With that Anakin was gone, running off into the crowd, leaving the Weequays shouting behind him.

“STOP THIEF!”

“Wow, this planet is…” Amidala trailed off, looking around at the sandy shops around them with a tired expression.

“A piece of crap?” Obi-Wan suggested.

“I was going to say rustic.” Was her cold reply.

“Sure you were.”

“Quiet children.” Qui-Gon put a hand on each of their shoulders. “We need to find a shop willing to sell us a hyperdrive for Republic credits.”

Amidala pulled away from his hand. “I’m not a child, I’m eighteen.”

“HA! I’m nineteen!”

She glared at the young Jedi. “Doesn’t matter if your mental age is twelve.”

“Stay on target.” Qui-Gon interrupted their quarrel. “Split up.”

“Will the princess…”

“SENATOR!”

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. “Will the SENATOR be okay without a body-guard?”

Amidala smiled, patting the blaster on her belt. “I’ll be fine, little padawan.”

“YOU…” Obi-Wan started to argue again, but she was already gone.

Amidala chuckled to herself, thinking about his frustrated expression. She had been stressed out to her utmost limit lately, ever since the attack of the Trade Federation on her people. She held the only evidence of their betrayal of the Republic, and if she didn’t convince them to come to her planets aid…” She shook herself slightly. “No focusing on failure. I will succeed.” She sighed softly. “I have to.”

“STOP THIEF!” An angry shout interrupted her search for a parts shop. Startled, Amidala looked up to see a young man about her age running quickly through the crowd, obviously being chased.

A thief, huh? She grinned. Not on my watch.

The young man seemed to sense her thoughts, turning towards her with a confused expression. “Wait, NO—“

THUD.

Her fist connected with his head, knocking him down to the ground, out cold.

Amidala paused. They only had shared the briefest moment of contact, but during it she had sensed something. She was Force sensitive, not enough to be trained as a Jedi, but enough to get flashes of insight she otherwise wouldn’t have had. She stared down at the unconscious young man, a complicated expression on her face.

The Force was telling her that he was important. To the future, to her people, to the balance of the universe. But to her…

He was her doom.

She reached down to check his pulse, surprised to find her hand shaking. As she felt the strong steady beat beneath her fingers her breath rushed out of her. She wasn’t sure whether it was a sigh of relief or dismay.

“Oh, you found him!” Qui-Gon stepped up next to her, a broad smile on his face. “I thought it would take longer.”

“You know him?” Amidala watched the older Jedi lift the teenage boy onto his shoulder effortlessly, carrying him back towards their ship.

“Not yet, but I will.” Was his only answer.

Amidala followed behind him, watching the young man’s face, her eyes dark with worry, her thoughts racing.

Maybe I was wrong. 

I hope I was wrong.

Ugh my head hurts. Anakin’s eyes fluttered open, surprised to see smooth cold metal rather than sand. Three people leaned over him, and older man and younger man in robes, and the young woman he had run into earlier.

Wait a minute…

“Aren’t you the one who punched me?” He asked groggily, still trying to find his bearings.

She glared at him. “Why are you surprised, if you stole something?”

“RE-stole… it’s completely…” he groaned, rubbing his head. “Completely different.”

“Young man. I’m Qui-Gon Jinn.” The older man in robes leaned forward, helping Anakin to his feet. “I’m hoping you will be able to help us.”

Well that sounds suspicious. “I don’t know what you heard.” Anakin swallowed uncomfortably, waving a hand in front of him. “But I’m not the person you’re looking for.”

All three people stared at him with incredulous expressions. After a few moments of silence, Qui-Gon threw back his head and laughed. “Using a Jedi mind trick on a Jedi? Not the smartest move.”

“Jedi… No, it’s not a Jedi thing, it’s just some parlor trick my father taught me.” Anakin backed away slowly, worried as no obvious exit was visible in the room he was in.

“Trust me, it’s a Jedi thing.” Qui-Gon grinned. “I’m a Jedi, I would know.”

“Ugh… sorry, sir… Jedi… sir.” Anakin looked around. “Are ALL of you Jedi?”

“I am! I’m Obi-Wan!” The younger man pointed at his chest with a grin. “She’s not. She’s a princess.”

Anakin made a confused expression. “Punching innocent people doesn’t seem to be a very princessly thing too do.”

Amidala���s expression was grim. “I’m a Senator.”

“Pretty sure Senators aren’t supposed to punch people either.”

“Interesting. Why don’t you come closer and we’ll try out that theory?”

Obi-Wan whistled with appreciation. “Wow, you managed to piss her off even faster than I can.” He gave the confused teenager a high five. “Strong work.”

“Thanks, I majored in pissing other people off in school.”

“Not sure if you’re joking, I’ve seen the planet you grew up on.”

Anakin grinned. “I’m joking, I come by my annoying ways naturally.”

Qui-Gon sighed. “If you two are done…?”

“Sorry Mr. Jedi Sir.”

“Qui-Gon is fine.” He grinned. “We’re in desperate need of a hyperdrive.”

Anakin nodded. “Yeah, I heard you guys were trying to buy it with credits.” He smiled. “Bet that went well.”

“Can you help us?”

“Well… in a way.” Anakin pointed at his shabby clothes. “I’m not exactly rolling in the dough either, but I do have a certain set of skills.”

Amidala raised an eyebrow. “Pissing people off doesn’t seem to be very marketable.”

“No, another set of skills.” He chuckled. “I’m a man of many talents.”

“So what’s the plan?” Obi-Wan looked excited. “Midnight heist?” “I’m not a thief, I’m a racer.”

“…oh.” Obi-Wan sat down.

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.” He waved a hand. “I definitely have never dreamed about pulling off a midnight heist with a cool thief friend before.”

Qui-Gon stared. “Is this something I should bring up at your promotion hearing?”

“Just joking, Master.”

“Anyways, I win the race, you have enough with the prize money to buy your hyperdrive.”

Amidala stared at him suspiciously. “And what do you get out of this deal?”

“You give me a lift off this planet.”

“…We are heading to Coruscant.”

“Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s away from here.”

Qui-Gon studied him silently, causing Anakin to squirm a little. “Well, do we have a deal?” The teenager stuck out his hand, keeping his nervousness from showing on his face.

Not that it makes much of a difference with a Jedi in the room.

Qui-Gon gripped his hand firmly, a broad smile on his face. “Deal.”

 Anakin was able to repurpose a repulsor generator from one of their land gliders to complete his ship. As he put the finishing touches on his craft, he heard a concerned voice above him.

“Have you ever done this before?”

“Used a wrench?” Anakin kept working, smiling as he imagined the expression on Amidala’s face with his answer. “Plenty of times.”

“No! Raced!”

“Also plenty of times.” He pushed himself out from under his pod racer, smiling at her with a grease-stained face. “I was racing for an guy named Watto for years, to help pay back some debt my dad left me and my mom. Started when I was just a kid.”

Amidala stared. “Seems dangerous for a kid.”

“Wasn’t like Watto cared.” He shrugged. “Scared my mom senseless though. Wasn’t like we had many options.”

“Do you still race for him?”

“Not anymore, he wanted me to throw a race, which if the Hutt catches you, is punishable by death.” Anakin brushed back his hair, leaving grease in it as well. “I quit, and now he sends men to beat me up occasionally. A serviceable arrangement to our mutual dissatisfaction.”

“So those men after you…” Amidala trailed off, her face complex. “I’m sorry I punched you.”

Anakin looked surprised. “Really?”

“A little. Not a lot. Still might do it again.”

“Well… thanks… I think.” He pushed himself back under the vehicle, returning to his work.

“So are you really a princess?”

“It’s an outdated title. We have a constitutional monarchy, but it’s not inherited by blood.” Her voice sounded frustrated. “I’m called princess because my Father is the head of the government, but it’s not something I worked for. That’s why I prefer senator.”

“You’re pretty young to be a senator, you can’t be any older than me.”

“It’s goes to the most qualified candidate, as long as they’re a legal adult, and that was me.”

“Well… congrats.”

“Thanks. Of course, if this doesn’t work there won’t be anyone for me to go back to. The Trade Federation will destroy them.”

“Ah. Protecting family.” Anakin grinned as he worked. “Now that’s something we have in common, Senator.”

“Do you…”

“Just a half brother now. Everyone else is dead.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I wouldn’t still be alive if my mother hadn’t worked herself to death. I owe her everything. That’s why I’m leaving this planet before it kills me too.”

“…” There was silence.

“Still there, Senator?”

“We’ll get you away from here.” She answered softly. “You have my word.”

He laughed. “Good. Now all I have to do is win.”

The night before the big race, Anakin sat on the bridge of the ship, eating a quick cook meal. Its taste was… questionable, but still better than the food rations he had back at his apartment.

“Ready for the race tomorrow?” Qui-Gon asked softly.

Anakin nearly spat out the food in his mouth. He wasn’t used to people sneaking up on him, but the Jedi never seemed to make a sound until he was ready to be heard.

“Of course.” He gave a cocky grin. “I’m the best there is.”

“… I heard that pod racing is incredibly dangerous, takes super-human reflexes.”

“So they say, but I do fine.”

“Any other humans do it?”

“Nah, but I’m pretty lucky, and have a good gut.”

Qui-Gon’s face was unreadable. “A good gut?”

“You know, I feel the track, feel the turns and twists ahead. I just fly fast and trust my gut, and it hasn’t lead me wrong yet.”

“You know, Anakin, have you ever thought that you might be able to use the Force?”

“The Force? Like a Jedi?” He laughed loudly, wiping back tears. “That’s hilarious, Qui-Gon. Didn’t take you for a joker.”

“I’m serious. Feeling danger…”

“Instinct!”

“Influencing minds…”

“I told you, it’s just a parlor trick.”

Qui-Gon looked at him seriously. “Those are force powers, Anakin.”

“No!” Anakin jumped to his feet. “Just because I can hypnotize some idiots, and sense danger, and stuff flies through the air to hit people who are chasing me… and sometimes when I’m too lazy to get up things float towards me and land in my hand… and …” he slowed down, thinking to himself. Finally he sat down heavily, his face in his hands. “Oh shit. I’m a Jedi.”

“Not a Jedi.” Qui-Gon grinned, “But definitely Force Sensitive. To be able to use it this well without training… You’d certainly be pretty powerful.”

“Well, I guess. Does it run in the family?”

“It can. Why do you ask?”

Anakin winced. “Well my Father used to say when he got really drunk that he was once a Jedi.”

For the first time, Qui-Gon looked shocked. “What was his name?”

“He just went by Jar here.”

“Hmm… must be an alias.” He patted him on the shoulder. “We can look into it when we introduce you to the Council.”

“Umm… what Council?”

“The Council of Jedi. We can’t get approval to train you unless we go through them.”

Anakin moved away, his face grim. “Why would I want to become a Jedi?”

“Well, protect the innocent, the weak, save the galaxy?” Qui-Gon shrugged. “It’s a privilege rarely given.”

“Didn’t do my father any favors.”

“I’m not sure of your father’s situation, Anakin, but I promise to look into it further. I won’t force you to do something you aren’t ready for, but I want you to consider it.” With a final reassuring pat on the shoulder, the older Jedi walked away. Leaving Anakin alone with his utterly confused thoughts.

“Try to win, Anakin.” Obi-Wan gave the younger man a thumbs up.

“Sure.”

“And don’t worry, if you fail, there’s always…” He trailed off with a hopeful expression.

Anakin let out a defeated sigh. “Midnight heist?”

“MIDNIGHT HEIST!”

“Sorry friend, I don’t lose.” Anakin put his helmet on , and was about to climb onto his pod racer when…

“Anakin!” Owen ran out onto the racing track, his face pale with fear.

“Hey, Owen!”

“Cut the crap Anakin!” Owen stopped to catch his breath. “What are you doing racing again?”

“I found a way to escape.”

“…” His half brother stared at him, with an expression half dismayed, half hopeful. “Really?”

“Really. I’m trying not to die, since you asked so nicely earlier.”

Owen’s eyes were slightly sad. “Well, I hope for your sake, you win.”

“I always win.”

“Don’t get cocky. Watto has a new racer, Sebulba, and he’ll be looking to take you out.”

Anakin glanced over, not surprised to see a male Dug sitting in Watto’s racer, glaring at him.

“Looks friendly.”

“He’ll try to kill you. Please be careful.”

“Don’t worry, I’m lucky.”

“I hope so.” Owen stepped back. “Live well brother, get off of this planet. And…” he paused. “May the Force be with you.”

Anakin was shocked. “I thought you didn’t believe in that mumbo jumbo?”

“I’m also not an idiot. You’ve got too much of our father in you for it not to be noticed if you go somewhere other than here.” He sighed. “Just don’t forget me, even if you become a big, important Jedi.”

“Never.” Anakin reached over, clasping Owen’s hand. “Brothers, remember?”

“Forever.” He grinned. “Now beat Watto’s ship so bad that he has to hide in shame and I get the week off.”

Anakin nodded, and climbed up into his ship, getting ready.

“I’m nervous, Master.” Obi-Wan confessed, his hands clasped tightly in front of him. “I don’t want Anakin to get hurt for our sake.”

In contrast to Obi-Wan’s stressed appearance, Qui-Gon was completely calm. “Don’t be. Anakin can handle anything the course sends after him.”

“Have you had a vision?”

The Jedi laughed. “Don’t need one. He’s very powerful in the Force.”

“Wait… he can use the Force, untrained?” Obi-Wan’s eyes widened. “Alright! You can take him on as a Padawan and we’ll get to stay friends!”

Amidala broke in. “Isn’t he kind of old to start Jedi training?”

“Strictly, yes.” Qui-Gon frowned, watching the screen above the track which showed the ships moving almost faster than the eye could follow. “The Jedi Council has always preferred minds that were…easily shaped to their ideals and values rather than ones that have learned to think for themselves.”

“You make them sound almost… sinister.” Amidala chuckled nervously. “They’re the good guys, remember?”

“hmm.”

“Well if they can break one rule, then they can break another.” Obi-Wan added stubbornly. “I can sense that he and I are going to be great friends.”

“He hasn’t decided whether or not he’s willing to become a Jedi, Padawan. Don’t force him.”

At his Master’s gentle reprimand, Obi-Wan fell silent. Who doesn’t want to become a Jedi?

The race was going well.

Anakin grinned as another racer tried to swerve into him, flipping his ship over on a curve and firing a stunning blast from his engines, landing on the other side to continue down the track.

Well… about as well as could be expected. Anakin kept his mind spread out, listening to his gut… well he guessed he should call it the Force, about the lightening fast turns, obstacles ahead.

Hairpin turn, and Sebulba coming up to my right behind me. Anakin frowned. The other racer had spent the entire track trying to shoot him, ram him, or otherwise incapacitate him. Unfortunately the Dug was a fantastic racer, and Anakin hadn’t been able to shake free of him. They were neck and neck, with Anakin increasingly having a harder time evading his attacks. He started feeling a little desperate as his evasive maneuvers cost him speed, allowing the Dug to pull ahead. He didn’t want to lose, especially to a cheater like that.

Well, Qui-Gon said I could use the Force, right?

Anakin tried to push his senses out, trying to feel the mechanics of the pod beside him. He felt in tune with the world around him, a strange sensation. Every bolt, wire and bar in the pod racer was laid bare in his mind.

Well, here goes nothing. He could sense that Sebulba was coming in to shoot him again, and twisting his hand tried to turn one of the screws with his mind.

Please work!

CLANG! A part of the racer’s engine fell off, bouncing along the track, spraying sparks. Sebulba, unable to correct in his swing over to ram Anakin, overshot and smashed into the wall instead. Anakin let out a victorious cheer, pumping his fist into the air as he navigated the last few turns to finish in first place. 

Maybe this Force thing isn’t so bad after all.

“Congrats!” Obi-Wan and Amidala gave Anakin high fives as he jumped off his racer, a grin on his face.

“Told you I would win.”

“Yeah.” Obi-Wan sighed. “Guess I have to give up on the midnight heist.”

Anakin patted his shoulder. “Maybe we’ll find a reason to do one in Coruscant?”

“Maybe!”

“You better not!” Amidala glared at the both of them.

“No, Senator, of course not!” Anakin winked at Obi-Wan, who gave an exaggerated wink back.

“Where’s Qui-Gon?” Anakin asked quickly, as he saw Amidala draw herself up to argue. She deflated a bit, distracted. “He’s collecting the prize money. He’s going to buy the hyperdrive and meet us back on the ship.”

“Sounds good. Let’s get off this dumpster of a planet.” As they started to walk away, a loud shout stopped them in their tracks.

“Anakin you piece of human filth! GIVE ME MY MONEY!” Watto glared at the group, his face filled with rage.

“I don’t owe you anything, Watto. You’ve won more money off of my races to pay off twice my father’s debt, and you know it.”

The Toydarian sneered. “Just because you have new friends you think you can take on me? Take on the Hutt?”

Anakin grinned. “I can take on you and him and more. I’m might be a Jedi.”

“Nonsense!” Watto laughed loudly. “What Jedi? You’re nothing more than waste.”

“My Father…”

“Was a piece of shit who died in the gutter.” Watto grinned. “Just like that whore of a mother of yours…”

BAM!

Anakin blinked in surprise, he had planned to strike the Toydarian, but hadn’t gotten a chance to. Amidala and Obi-Wan stood over the grey skinned creature, both nursing a sore fist.

“I find your punch-first policy disturbing for a Senator.” Obi-Wan quipped

“And I  thought Jedi weren’t supposed to hurt people unless forced.”

“He tried to hurt Anakin. I call that being forced.”

“Seems like we can agree on something.”

They both turned to Anakin, smiling, who chuckled uncomfortably. “It’s going to take some getting used to, having people to watch my back.”

“Hey, you just risked your life to get our mission back on track.”

“Partly for selfish reasons…” Anakin tried to argue.

“Doesn’t matter. You’re our friend now. No escaping it now.” Obi-Wan clapped him on the shoulder.

“If you insist.”

They all laughed, and headed off towards the ship, a new adventure ahead.

Off in the distance a dark robed figure watched the group walk away. His silence was unchanged, but slowly his hand tightened on the lightsaber at his side.

“Permission to engage?” His voice was a raspy whisper.

“Continue to monitor for now, my apprentice.” His communicator responded. “I sense a great disturbance in the Force. This young man Qui-Gon picked up… he will do great things for my plans... or destroy them utterly” The voice laughed. “Only time will tell.”

The apprentice’s finger brushed the trigger on the lightsaber handle. “Easier to kill him now. Kill them all.”

“Patience, Darth Maul, patience.” The voice was amused. “Your time will come.”

“Soon?”

“Soon.” A dark laughter filled the air. “And then all will truly know the power of the Dark Side.”

Darth Maul turned off his communicator, watching Anakin’s smiling face closely.  Waiting.

Soon.

#writing #Star Wars #may the 4th #fanfiction #I tried guys #something different #Phantom Menace rewrite #one time thing

[tanoraqui]

what’s baffling about the plan to have 5 Fantastic Beasts films is that it makes some of the writing choices for Crimes of Grindelwald just...bad. (Worse.) I acknowledge that not everyone cares about treating female and POC characters as real people worthy of attention - it’s wrong in a way that is both incorrect and immoral, but I acknowledge it - but at least we can all agree that writing should be good? Instead of planning a 5-film series set between 1926 and 1945 and the second movie takes place only 5 months after the first - what?? It made sense if it was the second of three - that’s how Endgame Time works; stakes are high and it all moves fast. So are the 4th and 5th movies going to be back-to-back, too? So when is the third film going to be set?? This is basic pacing; what are you DOING?

And Queenie. Oh, Queenie. 

[irritated rewriting below the cut]

Getting back onto my “female characters are real people worthy of attention” horse, but...wow, what a character assassination. Way to strip an intelligent, practical, slightly ditzy but also magically sympathetic and capable of using that very feminine-coded power to help save her family and friends...to this helpless, overreactive woman persuaded to join the most notorious criminal/terrorist in the wizarding world on the grounds that he supports true love?? Wow. Okay. And not only is this a total (sexist) change from the first movie, but it isn’t even with the excuse that you’re hastily trying to set up a third and final movie in the series? You could have done this more gracefully over the span of films 2, 3, and 4, because unexpected side changes is a dramatic and compelling thing to go into the finale with?!?

Because that is true! I honestly fully respect the writers’ desire to have one of the main protagonist team switch sides to Grindelwald, to showcase how charismatic he and his espoused ideals are, and to emphasize how this whole thing wracked the wizarding community. And, you know, for character Drama(TM) - which I am tuning in to watch, because this is a story about characters and their drama! I would argue that the better candidate is Tina, known to make impetuous choices in the name of what she believes is Right, including risking the secrecy of the wizarding world, and in general much more vulnerable to a message of “there is injustice in the world and we need to take ACION to fix it, even if that means violence” - but Queenie would perhaps be more persuadable by the promise of eventual peace, so, hey. Three entire movies and well-written character development and you can convince me of anything.

IF ONLY THAT HAD HAPPENED. 

Like, you wanna use Queenie? Fine. Here a couple rewrite options of that parlor scene, with varying degrees of antagonism. Making use of the fact that Queenie casually reads everyone’s surface thoughts all the time (see: weaponized [feminine] sympathy):

Wariest:

Grindelwald: I wish you were working with me now, towards a world where we were able to live openly. To love freely.

Queenie, wand raised, guardedly: You’re a very good Occlumens, Mr. Grindelwald.

(Ie, she can’t get a read on him. Grindelwald tips his head slightly in acknowledgement [part ego, party sympathy/apology, like he’s sorry he has to be guarded from her]. A slight pause.) 

Grindelwald: You are an innocent. So go, now. Leave this place.

OR:

Grindelwald: I wish you were working with me now, towards a world where we were able to live openly. To love freely.  (slight pause) You’re a natural Legilimens, aren’t you? You know I am not lying.

Queenie, guardedly but maybe lowering her wand slightly: Only surface thoughts, really. (Ie, she can’t be sure - he seems to be honest, but she knows she can be tricked. slight pause.) I don’t think I want a closer look at you. (implication: he’s a monster)

Grindelwald, almost like he’s agreeing: You are an innocent. So go, now. Leave this place.

OR:

Grindelwald: I wish you were working with me now, towards a world where we were able to live openly. To love freely. (slight pause) You’re a natural Legilimens, aren’t you? You know I am not lying.

Queenie, guardedly but maybe lowering her wand slightly: Only surface thoughts, really. (Ie, she can’t be sure - he seems to be honest, but she knows she can be tricked. No follow-up - less aggressive)

Grindelwald: You are an innocent. So go, now. Leave this place.

MOST CREDULOUS:

Grindelwald: I wish you were working with me now, towards a world where we were able to live openly. To love freely. (slight pause) You’re a natural Legilimens, aren’t you? You know I am not lying.

(Queenie lowers her wand slightly, giving a reluctant nod. She is wary, but cannot deny that he seems honest. Earnest.)

Grindelwald: You are an innocent. So go, now. Leave this place.

And then at the graveyard, Jacob apologizes and says he doesn’t think she’s crazy, not really, not at all, and Queenie apologizes for overreacting and for enchanting him and admits that the things people say and do are just as important as the things they think, and maybe that she loves about Jacob how even when he doesn’t understand things, he tries to be helpful and kind. All she does with Grindelwald is look back at him as they’re all running away, somewhere between wary and curious and wistful, showing that she’s still struggling with the thoughts vs. actions thing and it’s at least nagging at her, that his thoughts and actions (towards her specifically) were both kind and sympathetic, even though she knows that he also does terrible things. In contrast to when Jacob had mentally called her crazy even while supposedly trying to woo her! Check out that valid* reason to trust one and not the other!

*One example of a “terrible thing” Grindelwald does is that in that moment, he was trying to set her, her loved ones, and all of Paris on fire. Because he’s a wizard Nazi.

And then you build on that over the course of the next 2 movies, you godforsaken idiots.

Also while I’m at it: I actually respect the decision from a writing perspective to have Lena Do That, because I’m not sure this is what the writer(s) intended but I make sense of it as she partly was trying to seize a rare chance and partly committing suicide by dark wizard, which is a) gripping and b) plausible for what we’d seen of her character. HOWEVER, it very much runs up against that “treating women and POC with narrative respect” thing, and if Theseus could have delivered that “GRINDELWALD! STOP.” and “I love you” with as much emotion, it, too, probably would have fucked me up a little. First spend the movie setting him up as frustrated, with both his own inability to catch Grindelwald and his superiors’ often hypocritical orders for doing so - catch him immediately, all force necessary, even if it means injuring or even killing people you are supposed to protect. So the audience gets a slightly plausible split second of “wait, shit, are they joining Grindelwald?!” and then the desperate attempt to stop him/suicide by dark wizard also makes sense. And then Lena can have a sweet vengeance arc, that would probably get pretty dark, because she’s only been loved by like 1 person ever and Grindelwald killed him, and for a while the movies would just be Newt + animals + 3 very competent women with weirdly similar-sounding names (Tina, Queenie, Lena). I would watch that.

Yusef could stick around too, on and off, because I actually quite liked that whole sideplot - more characters of color, and consequences to Credence’s alleged identity completely separate from the Obscurial stuff! I’m not trying too hard to fix the way this film had way too many moving parts and leaned so much on flashback that it got confusing; I might as well keep what I like. And Credence’s whole plotline can stay the same (sans Nagini - see post on Perenelle Flamel), and the stuff with Dumbledore - it’s not my favorite, but, fine. It could be worse, both in terms of writing and character. I actually quite like both Dumbledore and Grindelwald’s characters, once I wearily accept that they are as important to the plot as they are. Credence I don’t really care about, but this all seemed reasonable. He’s just growing up, he can make bad decisions about allegiances early on in the movie series.

I hope the entire Movie 5 climactic battle is resolved because the Niffler yoinks the Elder Wand out of Grindelwald’s hand. Ten bucks on that.

#fantastic beasts #in which i have Opinions #and Suggestions #my fic #ish

[penguinnewsnetwork]

Halloween Party - Candy Hunt & Ghost Key Walkthroughs!

The Halloween Party is finally here, and that means one thing: candy! But before we go hunting, make sure to pick up a Pumpkin Basket from the Plaza!

Our first Candy is found in The Mine, floating in a pool of green goo.

If you click on the green lantern, you can uncover an entrance to the Secret Lab, where you can buy monster parts. 

Right, onto candy #2. This one’s easy to miss. Head to Ski Hill, and click on the caramel square next to the Ski Lodge.

Candy #3 is located at The Mine, but this time outside of the Haunted House. Click the hole in the wall, then the candy corn at the end of the pole.

Before we find candy #4, go inside the Haunted House and claim a free item - the Pumpkin head! 

Candy #4 is a trick more than a treat. Go to The Stadium and click on the pink candy behind the ‘Snacks’ sign. 

You find candy #5 in the Gift Shop, above the hair salon chairs, resting on a fashionable pompadour. 

Candy #6 is located at the Pizza Parlor, hiding inside the plant. 

Candy #7 is hanging out over at the Lighthouse, munching on some delicious popcorn. 

The last candy is spotted at the Dance Lounge, in a tall plant. 

Once you collect all 8 candies, you can redeem your prize: Pumpkin Antennae! 

Here’s a video walkthrough for the ghost key locations. To start, head to The Forest!

That’s pretty much it! I still haven’t found the pin, but when I do, I’ll make a separate post for it and anything I might of missed. We at Vintage Penguin Rewriters hope that everyone here has a fun & safe Halloween. Until then, waddle on! - Boopenguin.

#club penguin #club penguin rewritten #clubpenguin #CPR Halloween Party #Halloween #october 2018 #walkthrough

[icypantherwrites]

Can I ask what the project you're working on is? If you don't mind sharing that is!

Of course not! (especially as I mentioned it ;p)

Given the fact that Color is wrapping up in two weeks and is, as I’ve described it a few times, my magnum opus for this fandom, I really, really really want it to be a fic I can look back on and be nothing but proud of.

I will not do myself a disservice and call myself a bad writer, but I have certainly grown in both my writing and in understanding the VLD characters since I first published Color (I literally wrote the first chapter of it after immediately bingeing the first two seasons and between that and not writing anything really in years, well… xD). 

So I am rewriting the likely first 15ish chapters of Color. The plot itself really isn’t changing (you don’t have to reread it to understand or know anything going on further along) but I am reworking characters and updating it to my writing style. Biggest changes are Lance isn’t quite so down on himself and, hate to use Haggar’s word, but “pathetic,” and Keith is not a bully and asshole (just a socially awkward talented kid who doesn’t play very well with others) and a lot more introspection from other characters. Also setting up some future points a little better ♥ And of course spellchecking and grammar.

You can see a sample of it below. I’m currently actively updating it on AO3 (through chapter six) so if you happen to pop on and see a giant space between text that’s where I’ve left off for that moment xD I’ll be updating FF once I finish on AO3 as their site is not quite so kind to the editing process.

So, if you happen to reread it ever, I hope you enjoy the new version! My brain is slowly bleeding all over the floor trying to finish this before the story ends.

ORIGINAL VERSION (chapter one)

“I need the Black Lion,” Zarkon growled, standing on the platform’s edge and staring into the deep abyss of space. “And these parlor tricks,” he gestured at the exhausted druids collapsed around him, “are wasting my time.”

He had not been able to make contact with the Black Lion for days now, no matter how much energy the druids conjured for his search. He’d carried on relentlessly and only the fall of one weak druid had stopped him now. A smoking crater remained of where that creature had once stood.

“Perhaps we need a new plan,” Haggar advised from above and Zarkon rounded on her, purple eyes flashing dangerously.

“I will not cease my search for the Black Lion!”

She raised her hands placatingly. “I meant no such thing, my Lord. Merely a suggestion on how to bring the Black Lion to us, rather than this ceaseless chase across the galaxy.”

He gave the slightest inclination of his head for her to continue.

UPDATED VERSION (same scene to this point from chapter one)

A sizzling bolt of purple energy cut through the deep abyss of space, arcing and bouncing around the platform where a towering figure stood, hands splayed wide and eyes glowing against the canvas as he searched and searched. He would find it. Nothing would stop him this time. Nothing would—

The power cut off with a blink as one of the Druids standing around the Emperor of the Galran Empire collapsed and the entire circle was interrupted.

Zarkon roared out his displeasure and smote the pathetic creature where he knelt.

“The Black Lion will be mine,” Zarkon growled, fists clenching at his side and trembling not from exhaustion but a bone-deep anger and frustration that his search continued to be in apparent vain. He had not been able to make contact with the Black Lion for over two movements, no matter how much energy the Druids conjured for his search. Pathetic creatures. 

“These parlor tricks,” he snarled at the exhausted Druids, all collapsed around him, “are wasting my time.”

“Perhaps we need a new plan,” Haggar advised from above and Zarkon rounded on her, purple eyes flashing dangerously.

“I will not cease my search for the Black Lion!”

No matter that Haggar’s Druids were incapable of assisting him further. His eyes narrowed. She was the one responsible for this failure. She would suffer in his pain.

She raised her hands placatingly as his own crackled with the power she had bestowed him. “I meant no such thing, my lord. Merely a suggestion on how to bring the Black Lion to us, rather than this ceaseless chase across the galaxy.”

He growled low in his throat at the dig but had to acknowledge the chase had indeed been fruitless. He gave the slightest inclination of his head for her to continue. Haggar’s Druids may have failed him thus far but his head Druid was a powerful, deadly force to be reckoned with. While no thought was above his own it was a foolish move of a leader to not use the resources at his disposal.

And Haggar was a valuable resource indeed.

#icyanswers #As Color Fades Away #Fanficton #lance voltron #writing #Voltron #VLD #my brain and eyes are bleeding #so much to do #actually so little time #I will finish #I will i will i will #it's definitely fun to see growth #but I will now delete it #so this is the one glimpse immortalized #enjoy?

[robbyiswriting]

Anyway I haven’t posted any actual writing in a while, so here’s the opening of my new Songbirds draft (formally Blackspire). Subject to change because I keep rewriting things, but here you go.

(TW for domestic violence)

She was the most stunning thing Annie had ever seen. The magical girl who had saved the city block stood proudly on the steps of city hall as she received an award from the mayor. The ceremony was being broadcast across all local news stations, and twelve year old Annie Whalen watched with wide, eager eyes. She sat on the floor, already close to the TV but leaning in further still. She absorbed every detail of the heroine: her pale skin, her jet black hair, her narrow green eyes, and her sharp features. Her costume was black and green and reminiscent of a Catholic schoolgirl’s uniform. 

Earlier in the week, there had been live news coverage of her fighting a fluorescent pink lizard monster the size of Annie’s house. She’d managed to kill it all by herself, while rescuing an entire city block from certain death. Annie had watched the news coverage from her bed, home sick with yet another cold. She had been mesmerized by the shimmering green beams of light that shot forth from the woman’s palms, beautiful and lethal. Annie looked at her own frail hands and balled them into fists. She concentrated as hard as she could and opened her hands, palms facing the wall. Nothing happened. It wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t she be a magical girl? She’d seen other girls at school do some strange, magical things with their hands. Some of them were just doing parlor tricks, but she could easily pick out the magicians from the real magical girls. Every day she hoped it would finally be the day she would be able to light a fire with the snap of her fingers, turn on the TV with her thoughts, or maybe even lift her dresser with one hand. But that day still hadn’t come, and she was starting to lose hope. Thirteen was latest age girls began to show powers, if they had any, and her thirteenth birthday was only a month away. Annie jumped as a door slammed somewhere in the house. The sound was followed by shouting. Her parents were fighting downstairs again. She got up from the floor and shut her bedroom door to try and muffle the sound, but she could still hear them cursing. She sighed and sat back down, drawing her comforter down from her bed and wrapping it around her shoulders, hugging the remainder to her chest. She turned up the TV when she heard the sound of shattering glass and continued watching ceremony. People cheered for the beautiful woman in black and green. She was so happy, so powerful, so perfect. Annie wasn’t any of those things. She reached out and touched the TV screen, tracing her fingertip over the woman’s smiling face. “I’m going to be a magical girl someday,” said Annie. The determination in her voice didn’t match the tears that slid down her cheeks. “I’m going to be just like you, and then everything will be okay.” There was a loud bang from downstairs, louder than the TV, louder than anything she’d ever heard. She turned off the TV, listening for the sounds of more arguing. She was met with silence.

#writeblr #writers on tumblr #original writing #original fiction #wip songbirds #sid writes

[delicatefury]

So, since early brainstorming for the story I'm working on (not super early, but the roots of this story have been around for almost 15 years), my MC has had this ability. A parlor trick, really. As (reluctant) royalty of this very magical kingdom, he has the ability to give simple, immediate commands and have them obeyed m... ish. "Ish" because 1) his ancestors weren't idiots, there are checks on this ability and 2) I've only ever had him use it to de-escalate a situation/quite a crowd. Basically he just tells(yells/commands. There has to be force behind it) someone "sit down" or "quiet". Seriously, only have had it come up in the middle of an argument as a way to prove his claim of royalty. I just today realized the wider (obvious to you people seeing me lay it out and not just trying to perfect a single scene) implication of that ability. And I realized, massive magic power source, ancient kingdoms, and all else aside *that* is the kind of power my villain would be after. Excuse me, I have a plot to rewrite.

#fury writes #there's gonna be a lot of this #not gonna lie

[webanalytics]

Measure Twice, Cut Once: The Reason Why All Those Marketing Tactics Keep Failing

Tactics don’t necessarily fail because they’re bad.

They fail because of the context around them.

The customer segment was off. The timing was bad. Or the attempt was half-assed.

It all works. SEO works. Facebook ads work. Conversion optimization works.

But the degree to which they deliver depends wildly on other factors.

And the only way to ensure success is to get those things right, first, before jumping head-first into the tactics.

Here’s how to do the hard work, up-front, to make sure your next campaign goes off without a hitch.

Facebook ads “don’t work”

You can’t browse the interwebs without running into a new shiny hack. A brand new strategy or tactic to implement.

So you ditch the to-do list. You push off the important. You bend to the urgent. (Or at least, that which faintly resembles the urgent.)

You try the new hack. You invest hours that don’t exist and money that you don’t have.

You follow the “Launch Plan” from influencer XYZ to a T. Literally: Every. Single. Thing.

And then?

It falls flat. It works, but not enough. It produces, but not enough.

Seth Godin published Meatball Sundae in 2007. A decade ago.

Strange title, right? There’s a reason behind it:

“People treat the New Marketing like a kid with a twenty-dollar bill at an ice cream parlor. They keep wanting to add more stuff—more candy bits and sprinkles and cream and cherries. The dream is simple: ‘If we can just add enough of [today’s hot topping], everything will take care of itself.’”

Except, as you’re already all too familiar, that’s not how it works in the real world:

“Most of the time, despite all the hype, organizations fail when they try to use this scattershot approach. They fail to get buzz or traffic or noise or sales. Organizations don’t fail because the Web and the New Marketing don’t work. They fail because the Web and the New Marketing work only when applied to the right organization. New Media makes a promise to the consumer. If the organization is unable to keep that promise, then it fails.”

It’s the context, not the tactics.

We aren’t talking about 1960’s advertising. We can’t run ads in a vacuum and shape the public’s opinion.

There’s a lot of other things at stake. There’s a lot of other aspects to consider.

Facebook advertising is one of the best examples because it’s surprisingly complex and nuanced. You can’t just throw up a one-and-done campaign to see revenue pour in overnight.

That’s why it’s a waste of money according to popular opinion.

68 million people can’t be wrong… can they? (How many people voted last year again?)

Let’s click through a few of these to pull out the real gems:

“Facebook’s stock tanked after the IPO for one singular reason. Their advertising model does not work well. Most people who’ve advertised on Facebook, including myself, have been disappointed.”

Um. Ok.

“In that case, not only has Facebook and other digital technology killed ad creativity, it’s also killed ad effectiveness.”

I’m not even sure what that means.

Ok. Well, please, nobody tell Spearmint Love that Facebook ads don’t work. Because they just posted a 1,100% revenue increase last year using… Facebook ads.

Now, it wasn’t all rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns for them. They ran into problems, too.

It took six months for them to figure out one of the reasons their campaigns were stalling. It was simple and right in front of them the entire time.

Kids grow up.

Which means baby-related ads only work for so long with a particular cohort, before it’s time to refresh, update, and move along.

Again — the underlying issue was the market, the people, the life stage. Not the tactic.

They adapted. They went upstream. They followed customers as they naturally evolved.

So, no. “Boosting” posts endlessly doesn’t work. Buying likes doesn’t work, either. Not by themselves, obviously.

Likes, impressions, and fans don’t pay the bills. Leads and customers do.

That holds true regardless of which advertising medium we’re discussing: TV, radio, billboards, Google, Facebook, or otherwise.

You need a customer acquisition machine on Facebook. Simultaneous campaigns running in parallel. One building the attention and awareness for the next. Another nurturing those and presenting different enticing offers. Only after the foreplay can you get down to business.

Yet, that doesn’t happen. At least, not as often as it should. Which leads to… “It doesn’t work.”

This is far from the only scenario. This same issue pops up over and over again.

It even applies to the proposed Facebook solution you’re putting in place.

Custom audiences aren’t segmented

Facebook might not have the same level of user intent that AdWords does.

However, they do have custom audiences.

These dynamically-generated audiences can help you laser-target campaigns to skyrocket results. (Or, at least, push unprofitable ones past break-even.)

They allow you to run retargeting campaigns on steroids. You can overlay demographic and interest-based data with past user behavior, so you can accurately predict what someone wants next.

Custom audiences help increase your Relevancy Score, which in turn, lowers your Cost Per Click while also increasing your Click-Through Rate.

Image Source

Awesome, right?

So what could possibly be the problem?

Too often, your custom audiences aren’t custom enough.

Let’s talk about your business. How many products and services do you sell?

Now, how many of those do you sell to different customer segments or personas?

Imagine a simple matrix:

The possibilities might double or triple as you add each new variation. Exponentially.

It’s not my place to tell you that such a business model is too complicated. It is, however, to say that you’ve just made your ad campaigns infinitely more difficult.

Because this matrix doesn’t even take into account the funnel stage or intent level each audience has for each product. So we can add another layer of complexity here.

Let’s say you have a custom audience set up for past website visitors to your site. Fine.

However, in that one “custom audience” you’re lumping together all of these personas and products.

In other words, it’s segmented. Barely. A little bit. But not good enough.

The trick is to think through each possible variation and have your customers help you.

For example, the services page from Work the System segments you into two groups right off the bat:

Now, subsequent retargeting campaigns can use the right ad creative. The one that talks about the unique pain points of an online business (like remote workers) vs. that of the brick-and-mortar variety (like local hiring).

See? Everything is (or should be) different.

You can even do this on pricing pages.

For example, Credo names each plan for a different audience:

You segment product features based on personas. So why not your ad campaigns?

Agencies have more fixed expenses than freelancers. Therefore, their project minimums will be higher. Their goals are also in growing and managing a team vs. doing the work themselves.

They’re similar once again. But vastly different when you get down into the weeds.

MarketingExperiments.com worked with a medical company on a similar issue. Simply rewriting collateral pieces for a specific segment (as opposed to a nameless, faceless audience) increased CTR by 49.5%.

Image Source

Another trick you can try is including different ‘paths’ for each potential problem (and your service that lines up with it.)

So you send out a re-engagement email campaign with links to content pieces for each. Then you see who clicks what.

And then you sync your email data with custom audiences to add these people to the right destination.

Follow any of these recommendations (or better yet, use them together), and you’ll get custom audiences that are, in fact, custom.

It also means you’ll have about 3-4 times the number of custom audiences and campaigns running at any given time.

But it means you’ll have a better shot at success. And at getting Facebook ads to “work.”

All because you put in the proper work ahead of time.

Conversion tracking is off (or non-existent)

People think data is honest.

Unfortunately, it’s not. Data lies more than we care to admit.

Case in point: Conversions.

WTF is a “conversion” these days, anyway?

An email subscriber? A marketing-qualified lead? A sales-qualified lead? A one-off customer? A repeat customer? A high LTV customer?

Sometimes, it’s none of those things.

Years ago, I worked on a new client’s ad account.

The Conversion Rate column inside AdWords showed totals over 100%.

Now, obviously, I know that I’m dashing and brilliant and debonair. But not that much.

Because technically that’s impossible.

So we looked at it for only a few seconds to realize what was happening.

In almost every case, the Conversions total was equal to or more than the Clicks one.

That ain’t good. Here’s why.

Problem #1. It looks like we’re tracking clicks to the landing page as conversions.

Except, their goal wasn’t even a form fills opt-in. It was phone calls.

They anecdotally told me that phone numbers brought in better customers who also converted faster.

Ok, cool. Unfortunately, though, there was another issue.

Problem #2. No call tracking was set up, either.

So the phone rang. Constantly. Several times an hour. And yet PPC got no credit. Despite the fact that PPC probably drove an overwhelming number of the calls (based on the data we saw earlier.)

This client was primarily running classic bottom-of-the-funnel search ads. No display. So the peeps calling were converting. We just had no idea who was or why they were.

This creates a cascading effect of problems.

It meant that there was no historical conversion tracking data to use to draw insights. We literally had no idea which campaigns were converting the best or even which keywords outperformed others.

But wait, because it’s about to get worse.

Problem #3. Aggregate numbers of leads to closed customers was being tracked in Excel.

In other words, X leads from Y campaign turned into customers this month.

Obviously, that’s not ideal. We couldn’t even track PPC leads accurately because of the issues above.

But from there, nobody could see that customer John Smith who converted on Wednesday spent $5,000 and came from Campaign XYZ.

Their “industry specialized CRM software” (read: sh!t) didn’t have an API.

A dude from the “industry-specific CRM” company gave me the following response: “We do not allow for any attempts to manipulate data in the database. Any attempts to do so would cause errors and result in data corruption.”

Which meant that even if we fixed all of these other problems, there was no way for us to pass data back and forth when PPC leads did, in fact, turn into paying customers.

So.

We’re blindly spending dizzying amounts of money. Daily.

And yet, somehow we’re supposed to come in and start driving new customers ASAP?

Without any idea of what’s currently happening, what happened previously, or even what we’re supposed to be optimizing in the first place?

via GIPHY

I’ll spare you the boring details. It involved months of going backward to fix various tracking problems (none of which we scoped or billed correctly beforehand #agencylife.)

We basically did everything imaginable.

Except our job.

We designed and created new landing pages so we could use form fields to track and painstakingly set up call tracking on every single landing page. Then we went so far as to create a process for their internal team to manually reconcile these data points each month and figure out how many customers were finally coming from PPC.

Then after we stopped working together, they undid all of the call tracking work we set up. Because: clients.

</end rant>

The point is, no tactic in the world can make up for this scenario.

Yes, SKAGs are good. Geo-targeting is good. Day-parting is fine, too.

But none of it matters if you can’t address the underlying issues. Otherwise, you’re just flying blind.

Not just a single goal inside Google Analytics. But many. Multiple. At different stages. For different personas. For different products/services.

Which always never happens.

First, create a good-old Google Analytics goal. You know, create a ‘thank you’ page, redirect opt-in users there, etc.

Image Source

More than one persona? Create more than one landing page and form. Message match from the last section helps you keep this all straight.

Then go back into AdWords and create new goals there, too.

The key is to set up the script properly on the new thank you page, and not the landing page. Otherwise, you’ll run into the issue we saw earlier (tracking clicks instead of opt-ins.)

Image Source

Last but not least, noindex and nofollow the thank you page. Because the last thing you can afford now is for people to find this page from Google, bypass your form, and distort your data.

But wait… what about the initial problem? Phone calls!

We can’t let those go untracked, either. Unfortunately, both Google Analytics and AdWords fail us here. (You can track them as Events, but you’ll still only get aggregate data at best.)

Unless… you hook up another tool like CallRail to swap out your web and landing page numbers. Then you can add a ‘swap target’ to destination phone numbers. It will give each visitor a new number so it can appropriately track all calls.

However… that means you’ll have to go back and append your AdWords and Analytics goals so that they pass the appropriate referral data.

You want to see which AdWords campaign, ad, and keyword delivered each lead.

Only then can you make tactical, day-to-day changes with any certainty.

This OCD-level tracking changes everything.

For example, if you know that a customer is worth $1,000/mo over 12 months and the cost per acquisition is only $200… you can afford to bid up the Cost Per Click aggressively.

Yes, you might pay more in the interim. But you’ll also make more in the long-run.

Context changes everything. But only if you see the entire picture.

Conclusion

All tactics work to one degree or another.

Some might be more appropriate for a particular company. LinkedIn ads, say, would be better for a recruiting company than a baby blog.

However, beyond the obvious, there are margins for error.

Those margins get worryingly large when you’re neglecting to take context into account.

Tactics are good, but they’re not miracle workers. What worked for one person on one site at one particular time will almost certainly not work the same for you.

That doesn’t mean it’s bad, you were wrong, or you suck.

It just means there were other factors you neglected to take into account. And it’s why copy/pasting tactical roadmaps or launch plans often falls flat.

The more time you spend doing the hard, boring stuff to get a better handle on your scenario, the better your probability of success gets.

And the more lucrative those changes can become.

About the Author: Brad Smith is the founder of Codeless, a B2B content creation company. Frequent contributor to Kissmetrics, Unbounce, WordStream, AdEspresso, Search Engine Journal, Autopilot, and more.

from Search Results for “analytics” – The Kissmetrics Marketing Blog http://ift.tt/2yLRyhC #Digital #Analytics #Website

#Analytics #Search Results for “analytics” – The Kissmetrics Marketing Blog

[marie85marketing]

Measure Twice, Cut Once: The Reason Why All Those Marketing Tactics Keep Failing

Tactics don’t necessarily fail because they’re bad.

They fail because of the context around them.

The customer segment was off. The timing was bad. Or the attempt was half-assed.

It all works. SEO works. Facebook ads work. Conversion optimization works.

But the degree to which they deliver depends wildly on other factors.

And the only way to ensure success is to get those things right, first, before jumping headfirst into the tactics.

Here’s how to do the hard work, up-front, to make sure your next campaign goes off without a hitch.

Facebook ads “don’t work”

You can’t browse the interwebs without running into a new shiny hack. A brand new strategy or tactic to implement.

So you ditch the to-do list. You push off the important. You bend to the urgent. (Or at least, that which faintly resembles the urgent.)

You try the new hack. You invest hours that don’t exist and money that you don’t have.

You follow the “Launch Plan” from influencer XYZ to a T. Literally: Every. Single. Thing.

And then?

It falls flat. It works, but not enough. It produces, but not enough.

Seth Godin published Meatball Sundae in 2007. A decade ago.

Strange title, right? There’s a reason behind it:

“People treat the New Marketing like a kid with a twenty-dollar bill at an ice cream parlor. They keep wanting to add more stuff—more candy bits and sprinkles and cream and cherries. The dream is simple: ‘If we can just add enough of [today’s hot topping], everything will take care of itself.’”

Except, as you’re already all too familiar, that’s not how it works in the real world:

“Most of the time, despite all the hype, organizations fail when they try to use this scattershot approach. They fail to get buzz or traffic or noise or sales. Organizations don’t fail because the Web and the New Marketing don’t work. They fail because the Web and the New Marketing work only when applied to the right organization. New Media makes a promise to the consumer. If the organization is unable to keep that promise, then it fails.”

It’s the context, not the tactics.

We aren’t talking about 1960’s advertising. We can’t run ads in a vacuum and shape the public’s opinion.

There’s a lot of other things at stake. There’s a lot of other aspects to consider.

Facebook advertising is one of the best examples because it’s surprisingly complex and nuanced. You can’t just throw up a one-and-done campaign to see revenue pour in overnight.

That’s why it’s a waste of money according to popular opinion.

68 million people can’t be wrong… can they? (How many people voted last year again?)

Let’s click through a few of these to pull out the real gems:

“Facebook’s stock tanked after the IPO for one singular reason. Their advertising model does not work well. Most people who’ve advertised on Facebook, including myself, have been disappointed.”

Um. Ok.

“In that case, not only has Facebook and other digital technology killed ad creativity, it’s also killed ad effectiveness.”

I’m not even sure what that means.

Ok. Well, please, nobody tell Spearmint Love that Facebook ads don’t work. Because they just posted an 1,100% revenue increase last year using… Facebook ads.

Now, it wasn’t all rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns for them. They ran into problems, too.

It took six months for them to figure out one of the reasons their campaigns were stalling. It was simple and right in front of them the entire time.

Kids grow up.

Which means baby-related ads only work for so long with a particular cohort, before it’s time to refresh, update, and move along.

Again — the underlying issue was the market, the people, and the life stage. Not the tactic.

They adapted. They went upstream. They followed customers as they naturally evolved.

So, no. “Boosting” posts endlessly doesn’t work. Buying likes doesn’t work, either. Not by themselves, obviously.

Likes, impressions, and fans don’t pay the bills. Leads and customers do.

That holds true regardless of which advertising medium we’re discussing: TV, radio, billboards, Google, Facebook, or otherwise.

You need a customer acquisition machine on Facebook. Simultaneous campaigns running in parallel. One building the attention and awareness for the next. Another nurturing those and presenting different enticing offers. Only after the foreplay can you get down to business.

Yet, that doesn’t happen. At least, not as often as it should. Which leads to… “It doesn’t work.”

This is far from the only scenario. This same issue pops up over and over again.

It even applies to the proposed Facebook solution you’re putting in place.

Custom audiences aren’t segmented

Facebook might not have the same level of user intent that AdWords does.

However, they do have custom audiences.

These dynamically-generated audiences can help you laser-target campaigns to skyrocket results. (Or, at least, push unprofitable ones past break-even.)

They allow you to run retargeting campaigns on steroids. You can overlay demographic and interest-based data with past user behavior, so you can accurately predict what someone wants next.

Custom audiences help increase your Relevancy Score, which in turn, lowers your Cost Per Click while also increasing your Click-Through Rate.

Image Source

Awesome, right?

So what could possibly be the problem?

Too often, your custom audiences aren’t custom enough.

Let’s talk about your business. How many products and services do you sell?

Now, how many of those do you sell to different customer segments or personas?

Imagine a simple matrix:

The possibilities might double or triple as you add each new variation. Exponentially.

It’s not my place to tell you that such a business model is too complicated. It is, however, to say that you’ve just made your ad campaigns infinitely more difficult.

Because this matrix doesn’t even take into account the funnel stage or intent level each audience has for each product. So we can add another layer of complexity here.

Let’s say you have a custom audience set up for past website visitors to your site. Fine.

However, in that one “custom audience” you’re lumping together all of these personas and products.

In other words, it’s segmented. Barely. A little bit. But not good enough.

The trick is to think through each possible variation and have your customers help you.

For example, the services page from Work the System segments you into two groups right off the bat:

Now, subsequent retargeting campaigns can use the right ad creative. The one that talks about the unique pain points of an online business (like remote workers) vs. that of the brick-and-mortar variety (like local hiring).

See? Everything is (or should be) different.

You can even do this on pricing pages.

For example, Credo names each plan for a different audience:

You segment product features based on personas. So why not your ad campaigns?

Agencies have more fixed expenses than freelancers. Therefore, their project minimums will be higher. Their goals are also in growing and managing a team vs. doing the work themselves.

They’re similar once again. But vastly different when you get down into the weeds.

MarketingExperiments.com worked with a medical company on a similar issue. Simply rewriting collateral pieces for a specific segment (as opposed to a nameless, faceless audience) increased CTR by 49.5%.

Image Source

Another trick you can try is including different ‘paths’ for each potential problem (and your service that lines up with it.)

So you send out a re-engagement email campaign with links to content pieces for each. Then you see who clicks what.

And then you sync your email data with custom audiences to add these people to the right destination.

Follow any of these recommendations (or better yet, use them together), and you’ll get custom audiences that are, in fact, custom.

It also means you’ll have about 3-4 times the number of custom audiences and campaigns running at any given time.

But it means you’ll have a better shot at success. And at getting Facebook ads to “work.”

All because you put in the proper work ahead of time.

Conversion tracking is off (or non-existent)

People think data is honest.

Unfortunately, it’s not. Data lies more than we care to admit.

Case in point: Conversions.

WTF is a “conversion” these days, anyway?

An email subscriber? A marketing-qualified lead? A sales-qualified lead? A one-off customer? A repeat customer? A high LTV customer?

Sometimes, it’s none of those things.

Years ago, I worked on a new client’s ad account.

The Conversion Rate column inside AdWords showed totals over 100%.

Now, obviously, I know that I’m dashing and brilliant and debonair. But not that much.

Because technically that’s impossible.

So we looked at it for only a few seconds to realize what was happening.

In almost every case, the Conversions total was equal to or more than the Clicks one.

That ain’t good. Here’s why.

Problem #1. It looks like we’re tracking clicks to the landing page as conversions.

Except, their goal wasn’t even a form fills opt-in. It was phone calls.

They anecdotally told me that phone numbers brought in better customers who also converted faster.

Ok, cool. Unfortunately, though, there was another issue.

Problem #2. No call tracking was set up, either.

So the phone rang. Constantly. Several times an hour. And yet PPC got no credit. Despite the fact that PPC probably drove an overwhelming number of the calls (based on the data we saw earlier.)

This client was primarily running classic bottom-of-the-funnel search ads. No display. So the peeps calling were converting. We just had no idea who was or why they were.

This creates a cascading effect of problems.

It meant that there was no historical conversion tracking data to use to draw insights. We literally had no idea which campaigns were converting the best or even which keywords outperformed others.

But wait, because it’s about to get worse.

Problem #3. Aggregate numbers of leads to closed customers was being tracked in Excel.

In other words, X leads from Y campaign turned into customers this month.

Obviously, that’s not ideal. We couldn’t even track PPC leads accurately because of the issues above.

But from there, nobody could see that customer John Smith who converted on Wednesday spent $5,000 and came from Campaign XYZ.

Their “industry specialized CRM software” (read: sh!t) didn’t have an API.

A dude from the “industry-specific CRM” company gave me the following response: “We do not allow for any attempts to manipulate data in the database. Any attempts to do so would cause errors and result in data corruption.”

Which meant that even if we fixed all of these other problems, there was no way for us to pass data back and forth when PPC leads did, in fact, turn into paying customers.

So.

We’re blindly spending dizzying amounts of money. Daily.

And yet, somehow we’re supposed to come in and start driving new customers ASAP?

Without any idea of what’s currently happening, what happened previously, or even what we’re supposed to be optimizing in the first place?

via GIPHY

I’ll spare you the boring details. It involved months of going backward to fix various tracking problems (none of which we scoped or billed correctly beforehand #agencylife.)

We basically did everything imaginable.

Except our job.

We designed and created new landing pages so we could use form fields to track and painstakingly set up call tracking on every single landing page. Then we went so far as to create a process for their internal team to manually reconcile these data points each month and figure out how many customers were finally coming from PPC.

Then after we stopped working together, they undid all of the call tracking work we set up. Because: clients.

</end rant>

The point is that no tactic in the world can make up for this scenario.

Yes, SKAGs are good. Geo-targeting is good. Day-parting is fine, too.

But none of it matters if you can’t address the underlying issues. Otherwise, you’re just flying blind.

Not just a single goal inside Google Analytics. But many. Multiple. At different stages. For different personas. For different products/services.

Which always never happens.

First, create a good-old Google Analytics goal. You know, create a ‘thank you’ page, redirect opt-in users there, etc.

Image Source

More than one persona? Create more than one landing page and form. Message match from the last section helps you keep this all straight.

Then go back into AdWords and create new goals there, too.

The key is to set up the script properly on the new thank you page, and not the landing page. Otherwise, you’ll run into the issue we saw earlier (tracking clicks instead of opt-ins.)

Image Source

Last but not least, noindex and nofollow the thank you page. Because the last thing you can afford now is for people to find this page from Google, bypass your form, and distort your data.

But wait… what about the initial problem? Phone calls!

We can’t let those go untracked, either. Unfortunately, both Google Analytics and AdWords fail us here. (You can track them as Events, but you’ll still only get aggregate data at best.)

Unless… you hook up another tool like CallRail to swap out your web and landing page numbers. Then you can add a ‘swap target’ to destination phone numbers. It will give each visitor a new number so it can appropriately track all calls.

However… that means you’ll have to go back and append your AdWords and Analytics goals so that they pass the appropriate referral data.

You want to see which AdWords campaign, ad, and keyword delivered each lead.

Only then can you make tactical, day-to-day changes with any certainty.

This OCD-level tracking changes everything.

For example, if you know that a customer is worth $1,000/mo over 12 months and the cost per acquisition is only $200… you can afford to bid up the Cost Per Click aggressively.

Yes, you might pay more in the interim. But you’ll also make more in the long run.

Context changes everything. But only if you see the entire picture.

Conclusion

All tactics work to one degree or another.

Some might be more appropriate for a particular company. LinkedIn ads, say, would be better for a recruiting company than a baby blog.

However, beyond the obvious, there are margins for error.

Those margins get worryingly large when you’re neglecting to take context into account.

Tactics are good, but they’re not miracle workers. What worked for one person on one site at one particular time will almost certainly not work the same for you.

That doesn’t mean it’s bad, you were wrong, or you suck.

It just means there were other factors you neglected to take into account. And it’s why copy/pasting tactical roadmaps or launch plans often falls flat.

The more time you spend doing the hard, boring stuff to get a better handle on your scenario, the better your probability of success gets.

And the more lucrative those changes can become.

About the Author: Brad Smith is the founder of Codeless, a B2B content creation company. Frequent contributor to Kissmetrics, Unbounce, WordStream, AdEspresso, Search Engine Journal, Autopilot, and more.

[samiam03x]

Measure Twice, Cut Once: The Reason Why All Those Marketing Tactics Keep Failing

Tactics don’t necessarily fail because they’re bad.

They fail because of the context around them.

The customer segment was off. The timing was bad. Or the attempt was half-assed.

It all works. SEO works. Facebook ads work. Conversion optimization works.

But the degree to which they deliver depends wildly on other factors.

And the only way to ensure success is to get those things right, first, before jumping headfirst into the tactics.

Here’s how to do the hard work, up-front, to make sure your next campaign goes off without a hitch.

Facebook ads “don’t work”

You can’t browse the interwebs without running into a new shiny hack. A brand new strategy or tactic to implement.

So you ditch the to-do list. You push off the important. You bend to the urgent. (Or at least, that which faintly resembles the urgent.)

You try the new hack. You invest hours that don’t exist and money that you don’t have.

You follow the “Launch Plan” from influencer XYZ to a T. Literally: Every. Single. Thing.

And then?

It falls flat. It works, but not enough. It produces, but not enough.

Seth Godin published Meatball Sundae in 2007. A decade ago.

Strange title, right? There’s a reason behind it:

“People treat the New Marketing like a kid with a twenty-dollar bill at an ice cream parlor. They keep wanting to add more stuff—more candy bits and sprinkles and cream and cherries. The dream is simple: ‘If we can just add enough of [today’s hot topping], everything will take care of itself.’”

Except, as you’re already all too familiar, that’s not how it works in the real world:

“Most of the time, despite all the hype, organizations fail when they try to use this scattershot approach. They fail to get buzz or traffic or noise or sales. Organizations don’t fail because the Web and the New Marketing don’t work. They fail because the Web and the New Marketing work only when applied to the right organization. New Media makes a promise to the consumer. If the organization is unable to keep that promise, then it fails.”

It’s the context, not the tactics.

We aren’t talking about 1960’s advertising. We can’t run ads in a vacuum and shape the public’s opinion.

There’s a lot of other things at stake. There’s a lot of other aspects to consider.

Facebook advertising is one of the best examples because it’s surprisingly complex and nuanced. You can’t just throw up a one-and-done campaign to see revenue pour in overnight.

That’s why it’s a waste of money according to popular opinion.

68 million people can’t be wrong… can they? (How many people voted last year again?)

Let’s click through a few of these to pull out the real gems:

“Facebook’s stock tanked after the IPO for one singular reason. Their advertising model does not work well. Most people who’ve advertised on Facebook, including myself, have been disappointed.”

Um. Ok.

“In that case, not only has Facebook and other digital technology killed ad creativity, it’s also killed ad effectiveness.”

I’m not even sure what that means.

Ok. Well, please, nobody tell Spearmint Love that Facebook ads don’t work. Because they just posted an 1,100% revenue increase last year using… Facebook ads.

Now, it wasn’t all rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns for them. They ran into problems, too.

It took six months for them to figure out one of the reasons their campaigns were stalling. It was simple and right in front of them the entire time.

Kids grow up.

Which means baby-related ads only work for so long with a particular cohort, before it’s time to refresh, update, and move along.

Again — the underlying issue was the market, the people, and the life stage. Not the tactic.

They adapted. They went upstream. They followed customers as they naturally evolved.

So, no. “Boosting” posts endlessly doesn’t work. Buying likes doesn’t work, either. Not by themselves, obviously.

Likes, impressions, and fans don’t pay the bills. Leads and customers do.

That holds true regardless of which advertising medium we’re discussing: TV, radio, billboards, Google, Facebook, or otherwise.

You need a customer acquisition machine on Facebook. Simultaneous campaigns running in parallel. One building the attention and awareness for the next. Another nurturing those and presenting different enticing offers. Only after the foreplay can you get down to business.

Yet, that doesn’t happen. At least, not as often as it should. Which leads to… “It doesn’t work.”

This is far from the only scenario. This same issue pops up over and over again.

It even applies to the proposed Facebook solution you’re putting in place.

Custom audiences aren’t segmented

Facebook might not have the same level of user intent that AdWords does.

However, they do have custom audiences.

These dynamically-generated audiences can help you laser-target campaigns to skyrocket results. (Or, at least, push unprofitable ones past break-even.)

They allow you to run retargeting campaigns on steroids. You can overlay demographic and interest-based data with past user behavior, so you can accurately predict what someone wants next.

Custom audiences help increase your Relevancy Score, which in turn, lowers your Cost Per Click while also increasing your Click-Through Rate.

Image Source

Awesome, right?

So what could possibly be the problem?

Too often, your custom audiences aren’t custom enough.

Let’s talk about your business. How many products and services do you sell?

Now, how many of those do you sell to different customer segments or personas?

Imagine a simple matrix:

The possibilities might double or triple as you add each new variation. Exponentially.

It’s not my place to tell you that such a business model is too complicated. It is, however, to say that you’ve just made your ad campaigns infinitely more difficult.

Because this matrix doesn’t even take into account the funnel stage or intent level each audience has for each product. So we can add another layer of complexity here.

Let’s say you have a custom audience set up for past website visitors to your site. Fine.

However, in that one “custom audience” you’re lumping together all of these personas and products.

In other words, it’s segmented. Barely. A little bit. But not good enough.

The trick is to think through each possible variation and have your customers help you.

For example, the services page from Work the System segments you into two groups right off the bat:

Now, subsequent retargeting campaigns can use the right ad creative. The one that talks about the unique pain points of an online business (like remote workers) vs. that of the brick-and-mortar variety (like local hiring).

See? Everything is (or should be) different.

You can even do this on pricing pages.

For example, Credo names each plan for a different audience:

You segment product features based on personas. So why not your ad campaigns?

Agencies have more fixed expenses than freelancers. Therefore, their project minimums will be higher. Their goals are also in growing and managing a team vs. doing the work themselves.

They’re similar once again. But vastly different when you get down into the weeds.

MarketingExperiments.com worked with a medical company on a similar issue. Simply rewriting collateral pieces for a specific segment (as opposed to a nameless, faceless audience) increased CTR by 49.5%.

Image Source

Another trick you can try is including different ‘paths’ for each potential problem (and your service that lines up with it.)

So you send out a re-engagement email campaign with links to content pieces for each. Then you see who clicks what.

And then you sync your email data with custom audiences to add these people to the right destination.

Follow any of these recommendations (or better yet, use them together), and you’ll get custom audiences that are, in fact, custom.

It also means you’ll have about 3-4 times the number of custom audiences and campaigns running at any given time.

But it means you’ll have a better shot at success. And at getting Facebook ads to “work.”

All because you put in the proper work ahead of time.

Conversion tracking is off (or non-existent)

People think data is honest.

Unfortunately, it’s not. Data lies more than we care to admit.

Case in point: Conversions.

WTF is a “conversion” these days, anyway?

An email subscriber? A marketing-qualified lead? A sales-qualified lead? A one-off customer? A repeat customer? A high LTV customer?

Sometimes, it’s none of those things.

Years ago, I worked on a new client’s ad account.

The Conversion Rate column inside AdWords showed totals over 100%.

Now, obviously, I know that I’m dashing and brilliant and debonair. But not that much.

Because technically that’s impossible.

So we looked at it for only a few seconds to realize what was happening.

In almost every case, the Conversions total was equal to or more than the Clicks one.

That ain’t good. Here’s why.

Problem #1. It looks like we’re tracking clicks to the landing page as conversions.

Except, their goal wasn’t even a form fills opt-in. It was phone calls.

They anecdotally told me that phone numbers brought in better customers who also converted faster.

Ok, cool. Unfortunately, though, there was another issue.

Problem #2. No call tracking was set up, either.

So the phone rang. Constantly. Several times an hour. And yet PPC got no credit. Despite the fact that PPC probably drove an overwhelming number of the calls (based on the data we saw earlier.)

This client was primarily running classic bottom-of-the-funnel search ads. No display. So the peeps calling were converting. We just had no idea who was or why they were.

This creates a cascading effect of problems.

It meant that there was no historical conversion tracking data to use to draw insights. We literally had no idea which campaigns were converting the best or even which keywords outperformed others.

But wait, because it’s about to get worse.

Problem #3. Aggregate numbers of leads to closed customers was being tracked in Excel.

In other words, X leads from Y campaign turned into customers this month.

Obviously, that’s not ideal. We couldn’t even track PPC leads accurately because of the issues above.

But from there, nobody could see that customer John Smith who converted on Wednesday spent $5,000 and came from Campaign XYZ.

Their “industry specialized CRM software” (read: sh!t) didn’t have an API.

A dude from the “industry-specific CRM” company gave me the following response: “We do not allow for any attempts to manipulate data in the database. Any attempts to do so would cause errors and result in data corruption.”

Which meant that even if we fixed all of these other problems, there was no way for us to pass data back and forth when PPC leads did, in fact, turn into paying customers.

So.

We’re blindly spending dizzying amounts of money. Daily.

And yet, somehow we’re supposed to come in and start driving new customers ASAP?

Without any idea of what’s currently happening, what happened previously, or even what we’re supposed to be optimizing in the first place?

via GIPHY

I’ll spare you the boring details. It involved months of going backward to fix various tracking problems (none of which we scoped or billed correctly beforehand #agencylife.)

We basically did everything imaginable.

Except our job.

We designed and created new landing pages so we could use form fields to track and painstakingly set up call tracking on every single landing page. Then we went so far as to create a process for their internal team to manually reconcile these data points each month and figure out how many customers were finally coming from PPC.

Then after we stopped working together, they undid all of the call tracking work we set up. Because: clients.

</end rant>

The point is that no tactic in the world can make up for this scenario.

Yes, SKAGs are good. Geo-targeting is good. Day-parting is fine, too.

But none of it matters if you can’t address the underlying issues. Otherwise, you’re just flying blind.

Not just a single goal inside Google Analytics. But many. Multiple. At different stages. For different personas. For different products/services.

Which always never happens.

First, create a good-old Google Analytics goal. You know, create a ‘thank you’ page, redirect opt-in users there, etc.

Image Source

More than one persona? Create more than one landing page and form. Message match from the last section helps you keep this all straight.

Then go back into AdWords and create new goals there, too.

The key is to set up the script properly on the new thank you page, and not the landing page. Otherwise, you’ll run into the issue we saw earlier (tracking clicks instead of opt-ins.)

Image Source

Last but not least, noindex and nofollow the thank you page. Because the last thing you can afford now is for people to find this page from Google, bypass your form, and distort your data.

But wait… what about the initial problem? Phone calls!

We can’t let those go untracked, either. Unfortunately, both Google Analytics and AdWords fail us here. (You can track them as Events, but you’ll still only get aggregate data at best.)

Unless… you hook up another tool like CallRail to swap out your web and landing page numbers. Then you can add a ‘swap target’ to destination phone numbers. It will give each visitor a new number so it can appropriately track all calls.

However… that means you’ll have to go back and append your AdWords and Analytics goals so that they pass the appropriate referral data.

You want to see which AdWords campaign, ad, and keyword delivered each lead.

Only then can you make tactical, day-to-day changes with any certainty.

This OCD-level tracking changes everything.

For example, if you know that a customer is worth $1,000/mo over 12 months and the cost per acquisition is only $200… you can afford to bid up the Cost Per Click aggressively.

Yes, you might pay more in the interim. But you’ll also make more in the long run.

Context changes everything. But only if you see the entire picture.

Conclusion

All tactics work to one degree or another.

Some might be more appropriate for a particular company. LinkedIn ads, say, would be better for a recruiting company than a baby blog.

However, beyond the obvious, there are margins for error.

Those margins get worryingly large when you’re neglecting to take context into account.

Tactics are good, but they’re not miracle workers. What worked for one person on one site at one particular time will almost certainly not work the same for you.

That doesn’t mean it’s bad, you were wrong, or you suck.

It just means there were other factors you neglected to take into account. And it’s why copy/pasting tactical roadmaps or launch plans often falls flat.

The more time you spend doing the hard, boring stuff to get a better handle on your scenario, the better your probability of success gets.

And the more lucrative those changes can become.

About the Author: Brad Smith is the founder of Codeless, a B2B content creation company. Frequent contributor to Kissmetrics, Unbounce, WordStream, AdEspresso, Search Engine Journal, Autopilot, and more.

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[filipeteimuraz]

Measure Twice, Cut Once: The Reason Why All Those Marketing Tactics Keep Failing

Tactics don’t necessarily fail because they’re bad.

They fail because of the context around them.

The customer segment was off. The timing was bad. Or the attempt was half-assed.

It all works. SEO works. Facebook ads work. Conversion optimization works.

But the degree to which they deliver depends wildly on other factors.

And the only way to ensure success is to get those things right, first, before jumping head-first into the tactics.

Here’s how to do the hard work, up-front, to make sure your next campaign goes off without a hitch.

Facebook ads “don’t work”

You can’t browse the interwebs without running into a new shiny hack. A brand new strategy or tactic to implement.

So you ditch the to-do list. You push off the important. You bend to the urgent. (Or at least, that which faintly resembles the urgent.)

You try the new hack. You invest hours that don’t exist and money that you don’t have.

You follow the “Launch Plan” from influencer XYZ to a T. Literally: Every. Single. Thing.

And then?

It falls flat. It works, but not enough. It produces, but not enough.

Seth Godin published Meatball Sundae in 2007. A decade ago.

Strange title, right? There’s a reason behind it:

“People treat the New Marketing like a kid with a twenty-dollar bill at an ice cream parlor. They keep wanting to add more stuff—more candy bits and sprinkles and cream and cherries. The dream is simple: ‘If we can just add enough of [today’s hot topping], everything will take care of itself.’”

Except, as you’re already all too familiar, that’s not how it works in the real world:

“Most of the time, despite all the hype, organizations fail when they try to use this scattershot approach. They fail to get buzz or traffic or noise or sales. Organizations don’t fail because the Web and the New Marketing don’t work. They fail because the Web and the New Marketing work only when applied to the right organization. New Media makes a promise to the consumer. If the organization is unable to keep that promise, then it fails.”

It’s the context, not the tactics.

We aren’t talking about 1960’s advertising. We can’t run ads in a vacuum and shape the public’s opinion.

There’s a lot of other things at stake. There’s a lot of other aspects to consider.

Facebook advertising is one of the best examples because it’s surprisingly complex and nuanced. You can’t just throw up a one-and-done campaign to see revenue pour in overnight.

That’s why it’s a waste of money according to popular opinion.

68 million people can’t be wrong… can they? (How many people voted last year again?)

Let’s click through a few of these to pull out the real gems:

“Facebook’s stock tanked after the IPO for one singular reason. Their advertising model does not work well. Most people who’ve advertised on Facebook, including myself, have been disappointed.”

Um. Ok.

“In that case, not only has Facebook and other digital technology killed ad creativity, it’s also killed ad effectiveness.”

I’m not even sure what that means.

Ok. Well, please, nobody tell Spearmint Love that Facebook ads don’t work. Because they just posted a 1,100% revenue increase last year using… Facebook ads.

Now, it wasn’t all rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns for them. They ran into problems, too.

It took six months for them to figure out one of the reasons their campaigns were stalling. It was simple and right in front of them the entire time.

Kids grow up.

Which means baby-related ads only work for so long with a particular cohort, before it’s time to refresh, update, and move along.

Again — the underlying issue was the market, the people, the life stage. Not the tactic.

They adapted. They went upstream. They followed customers as they naturally evolved.

So, no. “Boosting” posts endlessly doesn’t work. Buying likes doesn’t work, either. Not by themselves, obviously.

Likes, impressions, and fans don’t pay the bills. Leads and customers do.

That holds true regardless of which advertising medium we’re discussing: TV, radio, billboards, Google, Facebook, or otherwise.

You need a customer acquisition machine on Facebook. Simultaneous campaigns running in parallel. One building the attention and awareness for the next. Another nurturing those and presenting different enticing offers. Only after the foreplay can you get down to business.

Yet, that doesn’t happen. At least, not as often as it should. Which leads to… “It doesn’t work.”

This is far from the only scenario. This same issue pops up over and over again.

It even applies to the proposed Facebook solution you’re putting in place.

Custom audiences aren’t segmented

Facebook might not have the same level of user intent that AdWords does.

However, they do have custom audiences.

These dynamically-generated audiences can help you laser-target campaigns to skyrocket results. (Or, at least, push unprofitable ones past break-even.)

They allow you to run retargeting campaigns on steroids. You can overlay demographic and interest-based data with past user behavior, so you can accurately predict what someone wants next.

Custom audiences help increase your Relevancy Score, which in turn, lowers your Cost Per Click while also increasing your Click-Through Rate.

Image Source

Awesome, right?

So what could possibly be the problem?

Too often, your custom audiences aren’t custom enough.

Let’s talk about your business. How many products and services do you sell?

Now, how many of those do you sell to different customer segments or personas?

Imagine a simple matrix:

The possibilities might double or triple as you add each new variation. Exponentially.

It’s not my place to tell you that such a business model is too complicated. It is, however, to say that you’ve just made your ad campaigns infinitely more difficult.

Because this matrix doesn’t even take into account the funnel stage or intent level each audience has for each product. So we can add another layer of complexity here.

Let’s say you have a custom audience set up for past website visitors to your site. Fine.

However, in that one “custom audience” you’re lumping together all of these personas and products.

In other words, it’s segmented. Barely. A little bit. But not good enough.

The trick is to think through each possible variation and have your customers help you.

For example, the services page from Work the System segments you into two groups right off the bat:

Now, subsequent retargeting campaigns can use the right ad creative. The one that talks about the unique pain points of an online business (like remote workers) vs. that of the brick-and-mortar variety (like local hiring).

See? Everything is (or should be) different.

You can even do this on pricing pages.

For example, Credo names each plan for a different audience:

You segment product features based on personas. So why not your ad campaigns?

Agencies have more fixed expenses than freelancers. Therefore, their project minimums will be higher. Their goals are also in growing and managing a team vs. doing the work themselves.

They’re similar once again. But vastly different when you get down into the weeds.

MarketingExperiments.com worked with a medical company on a similar issue. Simply rewriting collateral pieces for a specific segment (as opposed to a nameless, faceless audience) increased CTR by 49.5%.

Image Source

Another trick you can try is including different ‘paths’ for each potential problem (and your service that lines up with it.)

So you send out a re-engagement email campaign with links to content pieces for each. Then you see who clicks what.

And then you sync your email data with custom audiences to add these people to the right destination.

Follow any of these recommendations (or better yet, use them together), and you’ll get custom audiences that are, in fact, custom.

It also means you’ll have about 3-4 times the number of custom audiences and campaigns running at any given time.

But it means you’ll have a better shot at success. And at getting Facebook ads to “work.”

All because you put in the proper work ahead of time.

Conversion tracking is off (or non-existent)

People think data is honest.

Unfortunately, it’s not. Data lies more than we care to admit.

Case in point: Conversions.

WTF is a “conversion” these days, anyway?

An email subscriber? A marketing-qualified lead? A sales-qualified lead? A one-off customer? A repeat customer? A high LTV customer?

Sometimes, it’s none of those things.

Years ago, I worked on a new client’s ad account.

The Conversion Rate column inside AdWords showed totals over 100%.

Now, obviously, I know that I’m dashing and brilliant and debonair. But not that much.

Because technically that’s impossible.

So we looked at it for only a few seconds to realize what was happening.

In almost every case, the Conversions total was equal to or more than the Clicks one.

That ain’t good. Here’s why.

Problem #1. It looks like we’re tracking clicks to the landing page as conversions.

Except, their goal wasn’t even a form fills opt-in. It was phone calls.

They anecdotally told me that phone numbers brought in better customers who also converted faster.

Ok, cool. Unfortunately, though, there was another issue.

Problem #2. No call tracking was set up, either.

So the phone rang. Constantly. Several times an hour. And yet PPC got no credit. Despite the fact that PPC probably drove an overwhelming number of the calls (based on the data we saw earlier.)

This client was primarily running classic bottom-of-the-funnel search ads. No display. So the peeps calling were converting. We just had no idea who was or why they were.

This creates a cascading effect of problems.

It meant that there was no historical conversion tracking data to use to draw insights. We literally had no idea which campaigns were converting the best or even which keywords outperformed others.

But wait, because it’s about to get worse.

Problem #3. Aggregate numbers of leads to closed customers was being tracked in Excel.

In other words, X leads from Y campaign turned into customers this month.

Obviously, that’s not ideal. We couldn’t even track PPC leads accurately because of the issues above.

But from there, nobody could see that customer John Smith who converted on Wednesday spent $5,000 and came from Campaign XYZ.

Their “industry specialized CRM software” (read: sh!t) didn’t have an API.

A dude from the “industry-specific CRM” company gave me the following response: “We do not allow for any attempts to manipulate data in the database. Any attempts to do so would cause errors and result in data corruption.”

Which meant that even if we fixed all of these other problems, there was no way for us to pass data back and forth when PPC leads did, in fact, turn into paying customers.

So.

We’re blindly spending dizzying amounts of money. Daily.

And yet, somehow we’re supposed to come in and start driving new customers ASAP?

Without any idea of what’s currently happening, what happened previously, or even what we’re supposed to be optimizing in the first place?

via GIPHY

I’ll spare you the boring details. It involved months of going backward to fix various tracking problems (none of which we scoped or billed correctly beforehand #agencylife.)

We basically did everything imaginable.

Except our job.

We designed and created new landing pages so we could use form fields to track and painstakingly set up call tracking on every single landing page. Then we went so far as to create a process for their internal team to manually reconcile these data points each month and figure out how many customers were finally coming from PPC.

Then after we stopped working together, they undid all of the call tracking work we set up. Because: clients.

</end rant>

The point is, no tactic in the world can make up for this scenario.

Yes, SKAGs are good. Geo-targeting is good. Day-parting is fine, too.

But none of it matters if you can’t address the underlying issues. Otherwise, you’re just flying blind.

Not just a single goal inside Google Analytics. But many. Multiple. At different stages. For different personas. For different products/services.

Which always never happens.

First, create a good-old Google Analytics goal. You know, create a ‘thank you’ page, redirect opt-in users there, etc.

Image Source

More than one persona? Create more than one landing page and form. Message match from the last section helps you keep this all straight.

Then go back into AdWords and create new goals there, too.

The key is to set up the script properly on the new thank you page, and not the landing page. Otherwise, you’ll run into the issue we saw earlier (tracking clicks instead of opt-ins.)

Image Source

Last but not least, noindex and nofollow the thank you page. Because the last thing you can afford now is for people to find this page from Google, bypass your form, and distort your data.

But wait… what about the initial problem? Phone calls!

We can’t let those go untracked, either. Unfortunately, both Google Analytics and AdWords fail us here. (You can track them as Events, but you’ll still only get aggregate data at best.)

Unless… you hook up another tool like CallRail to swap out your web and landing page numbers. Then you can add a ‘swap target’ to destination phone numbers. It will give each visitor a new number so it can appropriately track all calls.

However… that means you’ll have to go back and append your AdWords and Analytics goals so that they pass the appropriate referral data.

You want to see which AdWords campaign, ad, and keyword delivered each lead.

Only then can you make tactical, day-to-day changes with any certainty.

This OCD-level tracking changes everything.

For example, if you know that a customer is worth $1,000/mo over 12 months and the cost per acquisition is only $200… you can afford to bid up the Cost Per Click aggressively.

Yes, you might pay more in the interim. But you’ll also make more in the long-run.

Context changes everything. But only if you see the entire picture.

Conclusion

All tactics work to one degree or another.

Some might be more appropriate for a particular company. LinkedIn ads, say, would be better for a recruiting company than a baby blog.

However, beyond the obvious, there are margins for error.

Those margins get worryingly large when you’re neglecting to take context into account.

Tactics are good, but they’re not miracle workers. What worked for one person on one site at one particular time will almost certainly not work the same for you.

That doesn’t mean it’s bad, you were wrong, or you suck.

It just means there were other factors you neglected to take into account. And it’s why copy/pasting tactical roadmaps or launch plans often falls flat.

The more time you spend doing the hard, boring stuff to get a better handle on your scenario, the better your probability of success gets.

And the more lucrative those changes can become.

About the Author: Brad Smith is the founder of Codeless, a B2B content creation company. Frequent contributor to Kissmetrics, Unbounce, WordStream, AdEspresso, Search Engine Journal, Autopilot, and more.

Read more here - http://review-and-bonuss.blogspot.com/2017/10/measure-twice-cut-once-reason-why-all.html