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Day 49

I don’t know what I’m still doing here. It’s a never ending cycle of me feeling like shit and you not caring until it’s too late. What are we? What have we turned into? Why promise so many things and not come through? Why say you will fix things and then don’t? Why is it more days that I feel hate rather than love? Why do you say so many things and not do anything? And why do I keep on taking it? Why don’t I run away? Why does it seem like I am somewhere I shouldn’t be? Why has it been so many years of feeling out of place? Why can’t I just find where I belong? It’s like every year that passes by, I just keep getting more and more lost. Why do you see tears streaming down my face and turn away? Why don’t you just leave? Why are you still here if you are so miserable? I guess it’s the same reason that I am still here.

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“The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it’s not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person – without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other.”

- Osho

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Hindu Mythology & Deities
- The Gods of Rig Vedic Period (15)-

Aryaman is one of the early Vedic Hindu deities. His name signifies “Life-Partner”, “close friend”, “Partner”, “play-fellow” or “companion”. Literally it means ‘the bright sun light behind God.’ Aryaman is one of the earlier Devas or Vedic deities. He is said to be the third-born of Aditi, one of the Adityas, and is implying a solar deity. Sometimes Aryaman and Surya is interchangeably used to refer to the Sun God.

In the Rigveda, Aryaman is described as the protector of mares, and the Milky Way is said to be his path. Aryaman is commonly invoked together with Varuna-Mitra, Bhaga, Bṛhaspati, and other Adityas and Asuras. According to the Rigveda also suggests that Aryaman is a supreme deity alongside Mitra and Varuna.






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Wenn nicht über Gefühle gesprochen wird, dann fehlt es einer Beziehung an Tiefe.

Tiefe ist aber ein entscheidendes und tragfähiges Element für eine glückliche und langfristige Partnerschaft.

Begegnet man dem anderen immer nur auf einer oberflächlichen Ebene, hat man sich nach einem halben Jahr nichts mehr zu sagen.

- Zeitungsartikel

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My boyfriend just dumbed me. I don’t yell or blame him or make him feel bad for leaving me during a rough time in my life, cuz it’s not his job to hold all of my emotions and I’m okay with that. But damn do I want him to just be here for me while all this shit is going on. The world is falling apart and so is my life, which he knows, and then he just leaves. It’s so funny cuz my ex girlfriend would say it’s karma but we’re so different in that capacity. Anyway, I’m trying to get to the point where it’s okay for him to leave because people are only meant to be in your life for a certain time and maybe this is his time and that’s okay. He’s taught me so much about myself and I’m so grateful to him for it, I just wish I could continue to keep him. My mom says if it’s meant to be, hell come back. I wanna think that but I also want to be content with his choice. Btw, he left because he knows we’re in different places about our future. I want marriage and a family, he wants kids but no marriage and basically is seeming to want to play it by ear. I told him I call bs but his feelings are his feelings. He doesn’t want to hold me back or be a hinderence in my life. Overall I respect him for that, but I want him. I love him and everything about him and I’m so content with the right now of our relationship.

Anyway, next I finally told him that I’ve been thinking about polyamory and maybe we should try that so that I can still have him but have someone else give me the things he doesn’t give me. It’s so common and as a pansexual person, I miss the opposite binary of women and being open would give us the freedom of being together and allowing us to feed the areas that we don’t get from each other. I told him to watch a video I sent and let me know his thoughts but it doesn’t have to be tonight of course. I feel that it’s gonna be like 3 weeks cuz we already didn’t talk for like every 3 days already idk.

Point of the story is, I love him. I want both of us to be happy. I’m willing to do whatever it takes as long as it doesn’t threaten my moral views, which I don’t think it will…

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Smol life update…

  • Everyone at work is so outspoken about these riots and so much is happening and I need a break from them
  • I cleaned out one of my closets and got a bunch of stuff together to donate / packed up my winter stuff
  • I start my new, better-paying job on Thursday
  • My partner and I just applied for an apartment together eeeep 😊😊😊 it’s literally across the parking lot from where I live now. No carpet, allows pets, two bedrooms! I’m excited. I hope we get approved!
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Du hast mir beigebracht zu träumen ohne Schlafen

Keine Angst im Dunkeln zu haben

Ohne Hände Fahrrad zu fahr'n

Obwohl ich dacht, ich kann das nicht

Du hast mir gezeigt, dass das Leben nicht schwarz-weiß ist

Dass es nicht nur richtig oder falsch gibt

Und dass ich nicht allein bin

Von dir weiß ich, was Liebe ist

Von dir hab’ ich den Mut, diese Welt zu hinterfragen

Und meine Meinung zu sagen

An regnerischen Tagen

Bau’ ich mir aus Papier ein Schiff

Durch dich hab’ ich gelernt, an morgen zu glauben

Mir selbst zu vertrauen

Nicht aus Angst wegzulaufen

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So langsam verzweifel ich an tinder und Co, dort gibt es anscheind keine wirklich schönen Frauen. So langsam glaub ich tumblr wäre eine besser Plattform um die Partnerin zu finden. Hier sind so viele tolle Frauen, die verstehen wie das ist und die genauso eine richtige erbliche Liebe brauchen und hier ist jeder mal erhlich…

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