Blood to blood. Desire to desire. We were wild. Bewildered.
Beautiful in our wilderness and wildness.
In the most extreme conditions
we proved that life can exist.
Paul Tran, Bioluminescence
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I’ve been told that once you’ve been stabbed, it is better to leave
the blade inside the body—removing the dagger will only open
the wound further. Forgiveness will bleed you thin. If you ignore
it, your skin could close around the metal. This is a part of you
now, this is all you will find when my body crumbles, this vengeful
child, this shiny grudge, a thirteen-year-old boy crawling
from the ashes, holding a gas can in his hands.
- Hieu Minh Nguyen, Stubborn Ineritance.
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I’m marked / by grief and by the idea that something must emerge from grief.
Paul Tran, "Scheherazade/Scheherazade" from All the Flowers Kneeling
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Paul Tran, from All the Flowers Kneeling; "Scheherazade/Scheherazade"
[Text ID: —what humiliated me // as I relived my death in that room without sunrise / wasn't my desire for light but my desire for more darkness.]
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[...] I’m marked
by grief and by the idea that something must emerge from grief.
The difference was not unlike that difference
between the fear I felt going toward the cliff
and the fear I feel---having gone---seeing what’s beyond.
Paul Tran, from “Scheherazade / Scheherazade,” All the Flowers Kneeling (Penguin Books, 2022)
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“what humiliated me / as I relived my death in that room without sunrise / wasn’t my desire for light / but my desire for more darkness.”
Paul Tran, from All The Flowers Kneeling (2022)
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Because I’m my mother’s son, I leave the arrow
in my throbbing heart. What kills me keeps me
alive
- Paul Tran, Taint.
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what humiliated me // as I relived my death in that room without sunrise / wasn’t my desire for light but my desire for more darkness.
Paul Tran, "Scheherazade/Scheherazade" from All the Flowers Kneeling
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Paul Tran, from All the Flowers Kneeling; "The Nightmare: Oil on Canvas: Henry Fuseli: 1781"
[Text ID: Who / can deter- / mine what's inside / another? / What is risked / when we enter?]
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Bioluminescence
There’s a dark so deep beneath the sea the creatures beget their own
light. This feat, this fact of adaptation, I could say, is beautiful
though the creatures are hideous. Lanternfish. Hatchetfish. Viperfish.
I, not unlike them, forfeited beauty to glimpse the world hidden
by eternal darkness. I subsisted on falling matter, unaware
from where or why matter fell, and on weaker creatures beguiled
by my luminosity. My hideous face opening, suddenly, to take them
into a darkness darker and more eternal than this underworld
underwater. I swam and swam toward nowhere and nothing.
I, after so much isolation, so much indifference, kept going
even if going meant only waiting, hovering in place. So far below, so far
away from the rest of life, the terrestrial made possible by and thereby
dependent upon light, I did what I had to do. I stalked. I killed.
I wanted to feel in my body my body at work, working to stay
alive. I swam. I kept going. I waited. I found myself without meaning
to, without contriving meaning at the time, in time, in the company
of creatures who, hideous like me, had to be their own illumination.
Their own god. Their own genesis. Often we feuded. Often we fused
like anglerfish. Blood to blood. Desire to desire. We were wild. Bewildered.
Beautiful in our wilderness and wildness. In the most extreme conditions
we proved that life can exist. I exist. I am my life, I thought, approaching
at last the bottom of the sea. It wasn’t the bottom. It wasn’t the sea.
Paul Tran, All the Flowers Kneeling (Penguin Books, 2022)
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I am so damned not even Death wanted me.
Like Judith Slaying Holofernes, Paul Tran
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