*casts spell of Un-Small Your Peen*
HAHA NOW YOUR SCHMEAT IS SO HUGE, YOULL DIE FROM ONE BONER
^one of thousands of wizards across the world constantly trying to cast various malicious spells upon my penis only all of the spells just so happen to cancel out so that nothing bad happens it’s just that my penis is constantly vibrating and a little bit nebulous
how to get Noelle’s attention # 21
ace afab culture is seeing a penis for the first time in real life and finding it interesting but only from a highly biological 'scientist that has discovered a new species after years of theory' point of view
Popular fanon: The clones are Hung.
My new pointless headcanon: The Kaminoans engineered the clones to have smaller dicks to minimize risk of injury from improperly attached codpiece armor.
Cambrian Explosion #34: Phylum Priapulida
Named for their resemblance to human penises, priapulids (or "penis worms") are marine scalidophoran worms that live on or in muddy seafloor sediment, with some species having a surprisingly high tolerance for oxygen-poor environments and toxic levels of hydrogen sulfide. Despite being a rather low-diversity phylum with only around 20 living species, they're widespread and sometimes very numerous, with over 80 adult individuals per square meter (~10ft²) recorded in some locations.
The earliest definite modern-style priapulid in the fossil record comes from the late Carboniferous (~308 million years ago), but their ancestry was probably somewhere in the early Cambrian among the taxonomic mess of palaeoscoloecids and archaeopriapulids.
Xiaoheiqingella peculiaris was a very priapulid-like scalidophoran known from the Chinese Chengjiang fossil deposits (~518 million years ago). Around 1cm long (0.4") it had a ringed spiny body with a swollen proboscis region at the front and a bulbous rear end with a pair of long tail-like appendages.
It's generally considered to be a close relative or early representative of the modern priapulid family Priapulidae, but some analyses have instead suggested it was part of a "stem" priapulid lineage of much earlier forms.
Living alongside it in the Chengijiang region was another potential early priapulid, Paratubiluchus bicaudatus. Also about 1cm long (0.4"), this species was chunkier with a spiny proboscis, a bumpy body lacking rings, and two short rear appendages, and its overall proportions were very similar to the larvae of some modern priapulids.
It may have been closely related to the modern tubiluchid priapulids, but some studies disagree – one analysis even places it as much closer to kinorhynchs and loriciferans than to priapulids!
Both of these species were fairly rare elements of their ecosystem, and seem to have had very similar ecologies to each other. They would have been burrowing carnivores using their retractable proboscises to grab small invertebrate prey, sometimes also feeding detritivorously on decaying organic matter in the mud around them.
Their anatomical and ecological similarities to modern priapulids suggest that the group as a whole rapidly developed in the early Cambrian and then just… didn't ever really need to change their body plan or lifestyle much for the next half a billion years.
Nix Illustration | Tumblr | Twitter | Patreon
I know codpieces on plate armour are meant to be intimidating, but all that goes through my head whenever I see one is I bet if you whacked this guy in the ding with a warhammer it would ring like a bell.
Woohooooo! This is exactly the number I was aiming for!
Anyway. I guess I’m officially a tumblr funnyman now. I’d like to think my imp @krongus, Joe Biden (America’s first evil wizard president), and, of course, all of you, my beloved followers <|:^)
In celebration of this great event, I will be handing out 10 Free Penis curses today! First come first serve. You need not have a penis to receive.
I also have some other stuff in the works, which I think you guys are gonna like <|:^) Look for announcements about that in the next week or two!
Guys, listen..... If you have a dick and it is staying hard or got hard via drugs (even illegal ones), PLEASE get to the ER if it isnt going down after 4 hours. It's supposed to not last longer than 30 mins or so. Get to the ER within the day, please. If it's soon enough it's a simple affair to fix it but after a certain amount of time it cant get fixed anymore.
If your erection is not gone after 4 hours go to the hospital.
So I had a thought, and I wanted to write it down and see if anyone else had anything to add or suggest or (good faith) criticise with it:
I sometimes see people argue back at T*RFs when they start going on about cis lesbians being in danger from those nasty penises (/s), with, 'Hey, I'm a cis lesbian and you do not speak for me'. But something that I've noticed in the responses is that quite often...
T*RFs don't see you as a lesbian.
They've very specifically narrowed the definition of lesbian to purely what they define as 'female who feels same-sex attraction to other females', and who they class as female basically amounts to 'someone who possesses the reproductive organs and traits traditionally defined as belonging to a female body'
The second a cis lesbian even so much as vaguely implies that they might be open to the idea of having sex with a trans woman, the bar of which can sometimes be as little as 'isn't a fucking radfem', T*RFs stop seeing them as a lesbian. End of. As far as they're concerned, they're now just a bisexual in denial.
They've made the lesbian label so exclusionary within their rhetoric that only other T*RF lesbians are lesbians in their eyes. That's what they mean when they refer to the 'lesbian community'. It's not just trans lesbians. They don't see the cis lesbians who disagree with them as actual lesbians.
I feel like this exchange sums up the experience of having a Twitter better than anything I have seen
Me: *wants facial hair* *wants a deeper voice* *wants a flatter chest* *sort of wants a penis* *wants to be comfortable wearing shorts in public without shaving* *wants to wear boxers instead of panties* *wants chest hair* *likes being called manly or strong in a tough way*
Also me: I don't like being masculine.
submitted by anonymous
Anyway, dicks come in all shapes and sizes, don't shame people with small ones.
Folks like to point to the fact that, when confronted with a popular character, Tumblr will be like “what if they were an uwu pastel catboy” and Twitter will be like “what if they had a twelve-inch dick” as evidence of a fundamental cultural divide, but what you need to understand is that before the porn ban came down, Tumblr was like “what if they were an uwu pastel catboy and had a twelve-inch dick”, and that impulse has never really gone away.
As promised, here are 10 Free Penis curses in honor of the great evilwizard (me) hitting 10k followers!
Penis Curse: Aquatic Penis
+3 to water-breathing, -1 to smell, +2 to frills and gills!
Penis Curse: Digital Penis
-1 to compressibility, +3 to file size, +2 to pixelation!
Penis Curse: Mystical Penis
+2 to mystic starry aura, -1 to cosmic safety, +3 to always-leads-the-way-home!
Penis Curse: Winged Penis
-1 to lack-of-constant-buzzing, +2 to crow charisma, +3 to aerial maneuvering!
Penis Curse: Authorial Penis
-1 to writer’s block, -1 to humility, +4 to creativity!
Penis Curse: Lunar Penis
+2 to luminosity, -1 to stealth, +3 to lycanthropy!
Penis Curse: Recursive Penis
+3 to the-end-in-the-beginning, +3 to the-beginning-in-the-end, -3 to ever-escaping-the-loop-within-the-loop-within-the-loop-within-the-loop-withi
Penis Curse: The Rare Wise Penis
+7 to wisdom, -2 to is-it-a-blessing-or-a-curse?
Penis Curse: Wild-Western-Wizard Penis
+3 to bullet-hells-n’-magic-spells, -1 to respectin’-the-sheriff, +2 to yeehaw!
Penis Curse: Crazy Ass Penis
+2 to ferocity, -1 to AC, +3 to wild card, bitches!
Thought you missed your chance for a penis curse? No you didn’t! Simply donate 1, that’s right, 1 (one) dollar to my kofi, linked below, with a message including your tumblr username, and you too can be the proud owner of a genuine Penis Curse!
As an added bonus, you’ll receive a special entry to The Evilympics this year! What does that mean? That’s for me to know and you to find out! Ciao!