#penny talks about herself because she’s a narcissist
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Earth Angel, Heavenly Boy Part 3
Pairing: Angel!Elvis & OC!black!female
Summary: After a nearly fatal car accident, a mysterious man saved the life of a young woman who believes the young man is more than what he seems.
Word Count:???
Warnings: Slowburn, talks about God, Biblical stuff like angels, demons, the devil, spirituality, and realism.
Author's Notes: Welcome to Part Three. Bring a little religion in here. I hope that's okay. I'm an open Christian, meaning I gladly speak on God. Elvis was an open Christian, which I find sexy as all get out. As beautiful as he was, he could have been a narcissist, vain, boastful, arrogant, exectra. But he was humble. There's nothing more sexy than a humble man. At least, in my opinion. 😊😊😊
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・┆✦ʚ♡ɞ✦ ┆・🪽・┆✦ʚ♡ɞ✦ ┆・
Noel was silent on the drive home. She contemplates her life, and all she can do is remain quiet.
"Nole?" Trish asks. "Are you hungry?"
"Yeah."
"What do you want to eat?"
Noel turns to look at Trish and says, "Everything that I've denied for the last two years of this diet. I want burgers and fries and hot dogs and fried chicken and cake and brownies! I've only lost his forty pounds, and I work myself to the bone to make ends meet! I want to go to Italy and eat pizza and pasta and gelato. I wanna drink wine and rum and vodka!"
"Nole! Take a breath!" Trish says.
Noel takes a breath, and the flood gates open. Everything she's holding in comes out all at once. Having a death experience puts a lot in perspective for a woman who had very little.
"Nole, breathe. Take a deep breath and breathe," Trish says. "It's late, but I'll get you something good to eat."
It's fifteen minutes after one in the morning. Trish was able to find an old Mom and Pop restaurant open late. They order up chicken alfredo, spaghetti with meatballs, salad with the fixings, and a large pizza with a bottle of red wine.
By the time they get to her house, Noel and Trish unpack the car and head into Noel's apartment. Noel is thrilled to be home after a long, exhausting day. She's been faithful to her diet, but she needs a cheat day.
They set up her dining table with on the food, grab some plates, and wine glasses. The next thing Noel does is pour herself a glass of wine. Then Noel and Trish begin to indulge quietly in their dinner. Noel eats her dinner like it's going to disappear before she's done.
"Nole, slow down," Trish says.
"Sorry," Noel says, a mouth full of pizza. "I missed this type of cuisine."
Noel sips her wine and thinks about Dr. Elvis Carpenter. What he said about calling him. She was going to need someone to speak to about her issues. She held her glass to her lips.
"Penny for your thoughts, Nole?" Trish says. "I know this is a dumb question to ask, but are you okay?"
"Trish, did you know that the guy who hit me was in the ICU?"
"No, I didn't."
"I kept hearing them say that I shouldn't have survived the crash. I should be dead. They questioned how I'm still here... I know I should be dead. I was dead, Trish." Noel takes another sip from her glass.
"I'm sure you were just terrified, Trish."
"You said you saw my car? How bad was it? Honestly."
Trish looks her in the eyes but remains silent. She can't look in Noel's eyes for long, knowing the truth.
"Your silence speaks volumes."
"Nole... your car was totaled. It flipped over several times, it seemed. All the windows were shattered. There was blood on the driver's side, and a part of the driver's seat was crushed." Trish pauses at the mere thought of it all.
"Physically, you shouldn't be here drinking wine with me. It's theoretically impossible! But here you are without anything close to a scratch on you. Nole, you know I'm not really into the Christian stuff because I'm a realist, but the best word to describe this situation is..."
"Miracle," Noel whispers.
Trish tears up at the word.
"Yeah, Nole. It's a miracle that you're still here. I thought I lost my best friend."
Noel puts down her glass, stretching her arm across the small table to Trish. Trish takes her hand gratefully. A forever bond could have been broken tonight. Some bonds are stronger than others. It's a funny thing how one life can touch so many other lives.
"I love you, Nole."
"I love you too, Trish," Noel says. "I'm not planning on going anywhere for a while. I believe God wants me here just a bit longer."
"Maybe I'll go to church with you on Sunday," Trish said.
"You know, I've been doing bedside Baptist for a while. But I will go back. I think my guardian angel wants me to."
"Guardian angel?"
"Yes. I believe I was saved by an angel. As I woke up, I saw a pair of blue eyes... I believe. Then I fell asleep again."
"You shouldn't go to work tomorrow, Nole," Trish says. "You really need a break."
"I know. I wish I got a doctor's note," Noel said, putting her hand into her scrub pocket.
She feels around for a moment and realizes there's paper in her pocket. She remembered Dr. Carpenter gave her his card, but she didn't recall him giving her a doctor's excuse from work.
"Whoa..."
"Is that a doctor's note?" Trish asks.
"I believe it is. Now, all I have to do is text my boss about what happened."
"Was it that sexy doctor I saw with you?"
Noel cuts her eyes at Trish. Of course, she recognized that Elvis was gorgeous. It was undeniable, but he was out of her league.
"I believe it was Dr. Carpenter. It's his signature," Noel said.
"Dr. Carpenter? Did he give you his first name?"
"Yeah. It's Elvis, but I don't have time."
"If the accident has proven anything tonight, it's we don't have all the time in the world, Nole! Did he give you his number?" She asks Noel.
"Yes, on the professional basis that he analyzes me and sees that I'm okay. Not that way, Trish."
Noel had other things on her mind. She had this sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She didn't want to lie to her boss, but she felt the boss wouldn't be understanding at the situation. It would be one thing if she was in the hospital banged up from the accident. But she came out untouched. Her car is totaled, and she needs to make plans for a loaner vehicle to get from place to place. But if she feels great, she should go to work. She'll worry about it in the morning. Not now.
"Do you need company?" Trish asks.
"I'm fine. You go home. Thank you for bringing me home and picking up dinner. I appreciate it more than you know, Trish."
"You're my best friend. If you need it, you got it. I know you're proud, but I'm here for you. Plus, you had a rough day."
"Yeah."
Noel and Trish kiss each other's cheeks and hug before Trish heads out on her way home. Noel tells her to drive safely and locks the door behind her.
Noel takes this time to clean up the table and put her leftovers in the fridge. Trish bought her enough food to last her the rest of the week. She was grateful for that. She finishes up her glass of wine and gets ready to shower.
When she sits in bed, Noel's mind is still running wild for the evening's events. She doesn't know how to slow her thoughts down. She gets herself a bottle of water and brings it back to her room. She takes a sip, turns out the light, and gets into the bed, resting her body. She closes her eyes and tries to sleep.
Taglist: @missmaywemeetagain @beeandheroddobsessions @headfullofpresley @everythingpresley @epforeverohyes @vintagepresley @pianginferno @powerofelvis @ab4eva @foreverdolly @searchingforgravity @thatbanditqueen @daffieapple @18lkpeters @dkayfixates @epsgirl @richardslady121 @literally-just-elvis-fics @eptodaytommorowforever @vintageshanny @iloveelvis @dreamingofep @aliypop @littlehoneyposts @msamarican
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Vent-
I don't know who's going to hear this, but I wanted to say something regardless. I'm seriously breaking down, normally I get over things within a day or so, but for some reason my mind just won't let go this time. I don't know what the fuck is so wrong with me. I hide so much because of trauma that makes it hard for me to process my emotions or be vulnerable. I feel like I've been spiraling but no one notices. But maybe that's my fault for always isolating myself, people have just come to get used to my absence, and I don't think anyone would think to come looking for me if I really disappeared for good. I'm not speaking about any one person nor do I mean to offend or upset anyone, this is probably just my severe depression and paranoia getting the better of me when I say I feel like all my relationships with people are withering, that people are starting to walk away from me, replace me, forget about me. It doesn't help that my own mom doesn't seem to care that we haven't seen each other in years or that she's going to move away all the way to Spain. She just dropped that bombshell on me so casually, only brought it up because we were talking about travel, like just how long was she going to wait to tell me?
I can't help but notice that when things get bad, people tend to disappear, like if I'm not being a ray of sunshine in everyone's lives then I'm not wanted. I completely understand that people have their own struggles and don't always have the energy to help others, which is why I often keep things to myself, I won't ask for help from people who need it more than me, nor do I want to put any obligation on people. I've been wanting to reach out to my best friend for help but she's going through so much herself right now, it'd be inappropriate to dump my own problems on her. It's not that I don't enjoy helping others, if I could I'd take every ounce of pain from my loved ones, donate every penny I have, lay down my own life if that's what it took. I still try to remind my friends that I still love and appreciate them and I really hope it's reaching them. Despite that I still destroy my relationships by putting up walls because I don't want to get hurt. I've been concealing something more because it's a problem that I don't know how to confront or process because no matter how I approach it I'm going to ruin things or cause some kind of damage.
Beyond my self centered "I'm lonely and have abandonment issues" crap, I have other things I don't talk about that just sit in the background like my physical health and my living situation. I have dental issues that I'm gonna have to pay out of pocket for, I have a problem with my kidneys where I don't process certain nutrients properly, which is why I'm so skinny and I think is the cause of my chronic fatigue, which is pretty bad but I don't know if people would qualify it as a disability, I have a benign (non-cancerous) tumor in my breast that I constantly fear will change into something serious or stop my plans for getting top surgery. I have other health concerns too but I'd rather not talk about those.
I live in a shitty right wing dangerous city with a toxic and abusive roommate. She's completely narcissistic and has severe anger issues that she always takes out on other people, especially her girlfriend, son, and me. She constantly berates and talks down to people while she places herself on a pedestal. Even trying to talk to her calmly about issues just ends with her blowing up and threatening to have us kicked out. She doesn't care about anyone's issues unless it impacts her somehow, and even still she sticks her nose in our business and starts trying to have her input or even control us. Everyone is just complacent with her bullshit and it drives me insane and makes me feel hopeless and defeated. I'm forced to keep my mouth shut too because I don't want to be the reason my family ends up homeless. And it's not as simple as just moving into our own place, California is already expensive as hell and social services keeps cutting my work hours AND taking away from my dad's disability checks.
My mental health has been the worst out of everything. I take my meds everyday but it can only do so much. I'm struggling and hurting so goddamn much. It's gotten so bad it's really starting to scare me, I often think about hurting myself or even suicide. I think about how to do it, the least painful way, and weigh out the consequences. I've had a problem with self harm in the past and I've admittedly relapsed a few times. It's shameful, cowardly, and I don't know who I can talk to about it because this kind of thing will put you in a hospital if you go a therapist or doctor. I want to give up. I want to give up so fucking bad.
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Fic: The Rebellion of Adrien Agreste, ch. 12
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth, Juleka Couffaine/Rose Lavillant, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Luka Couffaine, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug & Kagami Tsurugi, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Luka Couffaine, Lila Rossi/karma, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth/aneurism, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug/Kagami Tsurugi, Plagg & Tikki
Characters: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth, Lila Rossi, Jagged Stone, Plagg, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Luka Couffaine, Penny Rolling, Anarka Couffaine, Rose Lavillant, Juleka Couffaine, Kagami Tsurugi, Alya Césaire, Chloé Bourgeois, Wayhem, Nadja Chamack, Nathalie Sancoeur, Sabine Cheng, Tom Dupain, Tikki, Fang, Principal Damocles, Caline Bustier, Ms. Mendeleiev, original minor character, Alec Cataldi, Lila Rossi’s Mother, Sabrina Raincomprix, Roger Raincomprix, Mylène Haprèle, Le Gorille | Adrien Agreste’s Bodyguard, Nino Lahiffe, Nooroo
Tags: Lila Rossi salt, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Teenage Rebellion, Swearing, Bad Parent Gabriel Agreste, Crack Treated Seriously, Lila Rossi’s Lies Are Exposed, Cuddling & Snuggling, Luka Couffaine Needs a Hug, Paparazzi, Parentification, Marinette Dupain-Cheng Needs a Hug, Gabriel Agreste Needs an Aneurism, Uncle Jagged Stone, we’re all queer here, the spirit of punk is sometimes just being allowed to be yourself, Kagami Finds Her Groove, punk rock fashion, Savage Kagami, Marinette protection squad, Good Parent Sabine Cheng, Good Parent Tom Dupain, Protective Kagami Tsurugi, Protective Luka Couffaine, Bisexual Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Pansexual Luka Couffaine, Sharing a Bed, Pet Names, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Instagram, Bullying, Social Media, Anxiety, Makeover, Hugs, will cure your acne, Face Punching, Bad Ass Juleka Couffaine, Rumors, Protective Juleka Couffaine, Protective Adrien Agreste, Lawyers, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Holding Hands, accountability, mental health, Jagged Stone’s well-paid pet shark, How to Make the Evening News, Sexy eyeliner for days, one fish two fish Lila is a screwed fish, How to have fun and piss Gabriel off, Fuckery, sweet litigious karma, Alya sugar, lawyer shark doo doo doo doo doo doo, Schadenfreude, Bad Ass Alya Césaire, Gaslighting, abuse denormalization, Jagged likes his lawyers like he likes his pets: toothy af, Blood in the Water, Everything you didn’t know you wanted and some things you did, Gabriel Agreste is shark bait, Denial, Consequences, Principal Damocles salt, caline bustier salt, the impotence of Gabriel Agreste, snarky Nooroo, lies and the lying liars who tell them, Lila’s brain is a narcissistic hellscape, Lila’s mind is built like an Escher piece, Alec Cataldi salt, Adrien Sugar, wholesome salt, Fu Salt, Kwami Shenanigans, Nooroo is a little shit
Summary: Big Hero Juleka Couffaine
Note: Wound up being more complicated than I expected. French law is different from the US, and though I could fudge it, I didn’t want to.
AO3 link
Chapters 1-2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11
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The lawyer explained in the limo that orders of protection, under French law, were limited to domestic violence between partners, and though workplace bullying was considered “moral harassment” with criminal consequences, there were no such laws in place regarding school bullying.
“That is so not rock ‘n roll,” Jagged muttered, scowling. “French law is not cool.”
“However, French defamation law is strongly in our favor here, and you have can file a criminal complaint on your own behalf due to her defamation effecting your honor. Mlle. Dupain-Cheng’s parents—whom I am assuming you are including in your representation, M. Stone?—may file on her behalf given the impact of Mlle. Rossi’s defamation on her reputation.”
“Definitely including,” he said, nodding and glancing at Tom and Sabine. “Assuming you’re alright with that?”
Marinette’s parents nodded. They both seemed eager to have this taken care of.
“I’ve been concerned about Marinette for a while,” Sabine murmured, taking her daughter’s hand. “She’s seemed so… down, so distressed. I want this handled, and we’re happy you discovered this and are taking action, M. Stone.”
“I found out from Adrien, really. He came looking for help with his pops, and it all came out.”
Tom offered Adrien another pain au chocolat, smiling at him. “You’re always welcome at the bakery, son. Even if it’s just to hide from your father for a few hours.”
Adrien blushed at the attention, then was distracted when they pulled up in front of Collège Françoise Dupont.
The route from the limo to the collége was lined with reporters. Most students seemed to have all retreated into the school to avoid them. They could see Juleka peering out a window in one door, and Chloé stationed at the other.
Except for Lila, who was trying to talk to a reporter, who was clearly disinterested. When the limo driver opened the door for them, her voice lilted over the murmur, “and he used me and then dumped me!”
Marinette was getting out of the limo when they heard that, and she started to lose her balance. No one was in a position to help her.
Kagami hurried forward, managing to stay dignified as she drew Marinette into a hug that served to balance her.
“Good morning, Marinette. I love your outfit! Are you still willing to design one for me?”
Marinette flushed crimson, managing a wobbly grin as she straightened in Kagami’s embrace. “Of course, Kagami!”
They moved out of the way as Tom and Sabine exited the limo, receiving only confused murmurs from the crowd of journalists and paparazzi. They were joined by the lawyer, then Jagged and Penny, to excitement.
Lila’s eyes went wide at Jagged’s appearance, and he mugged for the cameras, tilting his Eiffel Tower sunglasses with one hand.
“This here’s my niece and favorite designer, Marinette. She designed these sunglasses, and of course my last album cover. She’s going to help me with the concept for my next album, too.”
That announcement led to shouted questions, both to Jagged and to Marinette, who stared at the journalist with wide eyes and tried (and failed) not to stutter.
It was easier after Kagami hooked their arms together and whispered. “Deep breaths. Slow exhales. You can take your time.”
Fortunately, she only had to answer one question before Adrien and Luka left the limo. After that, all attention was on them.
They were holding hands, as planned, shoulders together as though they were leaning on each other. Luka looked a little frazzled at the attention they were getting, but Adrien leaned close and murmured something Marinette couldn’t hear, and that eased the tension in his shoulders and led to the soft look that made the boyfriend claim seem believable. Flashes blinded them as journalists caught that moment on camera.
Lila chose that moment to stalk forward, pulling her hand back as though to slap… Luka? Before she could, Kagami grabbed her wrist.
“Are you attempting to assault Adrien’s boyfriend?” she demanded loudly, clearly playing for the cameras.
“That boyfriend is a pervert! A pederast!” Lila shrieked.
Luka blinked. “I’m not an adult. We’re both teenagers.”
“You’re no teenager. You’re a predator!”
Marinette stepped forward, about to lose her temper, her own hand itching to greet Lila’s face.
A slam sounded and Juleka pushed past Marinette and Kagami, her fist cocked. It hit Lila directly in the nose, sending blood droplets against the pavement, and Lila flying back against a paparazzi.
“How dare you talk about my brother that way! You’re not worthy of the bottom of his shoes!”
Juleka started to advance on the liar, who was wide-eyed and silent, sprawled on the ground.
Penny pulled the raging teen back, and Rose joined her, holding her around the waist and looking horrified.
“And that, folks, is Luka Couffaine’s little sister, Juleka,” Jagged announced. “Little spitfire, she is, just like her mum. You may recognize Couffaine, as in Anarka, my former guitarist and their lovely mother. You don’t cross a Couffaine.”
Lila tried to get herself together. “Luka was trying to court Marinette first!”
Marinette took a deep breath, taking comfort in Kagami’s hand on her back. “He needed a cover to be able to go out with Adrien. Kagami and I stepped up. That’s all.”
“There was reason to keep it secret,” Kagami said, taking over the story they’d decided on. “The moment Adrien’s father learned of it, he tried to make Adrien break up with Luka and date Lila. She is furious because her plan to entrap him did not work.”
That news was greeted by another murmur from the crowd, this one louder. Marinette could see the Gorilla on the outskirts, towering over the rest. Adrien waved at him, and the man cocked the first smile she’d ever seen from him, and then walked away.
Marinette remembered it was her turn to speak. “And, really, Lila’s been grabbing on him and verging on sexual assault for weeks. Wouldn’t take no for an answer. If anyone’s a predator, it’s her.”
Lila let out a growl and threw herself toward Marinette. Kagami pulled her out of the way and left her foot out to send the girl sprawling.
“Perhaps this is a good time for me to step in,” the lawyer said smoothly, stepping between them and Lila. “You have been lying about my client and his employee. You claimed you were injured on behalf of my client while saving a nonexistent kitten, and that he then wrote a song for you in gratitude, spreading this rumor around your collége, and reaching beyond via a blog interview. You have engaged in a defamation and insult campaign against his employee, Mlle. Dupain-Cheng, and even attempted to have her expelled based on lies. You have, in fact, threatened to do worse, which I’m guessing is what the attempted assault just now was. M. Stone does not tolerate defamation against himself or his staff, and M. Dupain and Mme. Cheng do not tolerate defamation against their daughter.”
She pulled out several papers, holding them out to Lila as she picked herself off the ground.
“The offense against M. Stone is public, as it appeared on a public and widely-read blog. The offenses against Mlle. Dupain-Cheng are considered non-public. But we have filed criminal defamation charges against you, Mlle. Rossi. These are copies of the filings. Copies are also being delivered to your mother at her workplace.”
Lila snatched the papers and crumpled them, her jaw tight with rage, blood still dripping from her nose. “M. Agreste made me! He said to deal with Marinette, that she was a bad influence!”
Marinette gasped, feeling Kagami stiffen beside her. Adrien was staring in open-mouthed horror. Luka looked angry, and Jagged looked livid. Tom and Sabine were exchanging worried looks. The reporters were murmuring again. All of this was, of course, being aired and reported on.
“Interesting public allegations.” The lawyer smiled. “Obviously, you will receive more official documents on the charges by the court.”
“Just what is going on here?”
Principal Damocles was standing inside the door of the school.
“This is a place of education, not a media circus!”
Lila seized an opportunity. “Juleka punched me, M. Damocles! I think she broke my nose!”
“Juleka—”
“Actually,” the lawyer interrupted smoothly, “given that this took place on the sidewalk rather than within the school, M. Damocles has no jurisdiction. Mlle. Rossi is of course able to file assault charges; however, given that Mlle. Couffaine is the daughter of a former employee of M. Stone, and Mlle. Rossi had just engaged in very public defamation against her brother on camera in front of journalists, it is likely M. Stone will ask I amend the filing to include M. Couffaine as a victim.”
“Yep!” Jagged popped the ‘p.’
Lila went pale, her fists shaking.
“And we have further business with M. Damocles. Given the ‘media circus,’ and attempted assault by Mlle. Rossi, M. Couffaine will be escorted home by M. Stone’s limo driver.”
Marinette turned to Adrien and Luka, who were still holding hands and looking a bit frozen. Adrien recognized that it was their cue first, turning to Luka and looking a bit shy.
“Will I see you for lunch?”
Luka smiled, reaching up with his free hand to brush a lock of hair from Adrien’s face. “Of course, mon étoile. I look forward to it.”
The blush on Adrien’s face looked real as Luka brought up his hand to kiss it, then embraced him.
The cameras ate it up, just as they had expected. Luka managed to look longing as he let go of Adrien and stepped back into the limo, his part of the morning done.
Kagami squeezed Marinette’s shoulder, leaning close. “I must leave if I am to arrive to school on time. You will prevail. And if you need protection, I believe Mlle. Juleka is a wonderful candidate for the job.”
Marinette turned to give Kagami a hug. Adrien did as well, and together they watched for a moment as she weaved her way through the paparazzi before they turned back to the task at hand.
Phase Two: the school.
#miraculous ladybug#miraculous fanfiction#miraculous salt#ml salt#my fanfiction#The Rebellion of Adrien Agreste#marinette dupain cheng#penny rolling#jagged stone#uncle jagged#kagami tsurugi#luka couffaine#lukadrien#adrien agreste#lila 'the liar' rossi#lila rossi#lila salt#juleka couffaine#damocles salt
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My first tumblr post.
I want to discuss something that has been on my mind recently. It has bothered me deep down for many years, and the feeling of not saying anything is painful. I hope that by writing this, others are able to relate.
My high school friends were never my true friends. There. I said it. Years of never saying anything that I wanted to say to them because I was young and too nice. I was afraid of having no friends. If I ever said anything, I made the mistake of pouring my heart out on social media. Dumb mistake, but I was desperate for someone to understand.
I think part of the issue was that our families were way different raising us. My family was lower middle class, and sometimes my father did not have a job. We did not always have much money, but we got by okay. We never took true vacations or went out of state for anything. My parents scrounged at every penny to save up to send us to Disney for marching band in high school. One of my favorite memories. As teenagers, my siblings and I learned the value of money. When I turned 16, my parents made me get a job. I have worked ever since then (I’m almost 30). It was from then on that I bought everything (for the most part) myself. I felt the pain of buying things with my measly minimum wage jobs, whereas my friends had their parents pay for everything. I won’t lie, growing up I’d be a bit jealous. I never spoke of it. It was deep down. I wished that my parents would pay for everything. As an adult, I know and understand my parents situation, and I believe that it has humbled me and taught me empathy for others. My friends didn’t understand this at all. I’m glad their families had the ability to afford their lives, but I also think they did them a disservice.
Once we all graduated high school, we all went our separate ways and went to different universities. People grow and change, and that’s okay! When we first met back up on school holiday breaks, I noticed that they became, I don’t know, egotistical? Narcissistic? Full of themselves? They were all in a similar major dealing with med school, while I was getting my degree in education. I sensed that they didn’t take my major seriously. I understand that they had similar stories and class information that they were excited to share with each other, but it was all they talked about. I could never get a word in edge-wise. I felt like a third wheel. It became so that EVERYTIME we hung out, they would only talk about themselves and their classes. I just couldn’t relate. None of my classes were science or math related (or at least not on that level). It got to the point where I met them a restaurant after not seeing them for six months or more and they never talked to me or asked how I was doing. They greeted and acted like they liked seeing me, but I don’t think they cared much beyond that. I just sat there and listened. I could have interjected, but that would be rude. I could have tried to put my two cents in, but I just could not relate. It was one of the first real breaking points in our friendship that I realized that they didn’t care about me. I was beneath them.
I was sent on this downward spiral of realizing over all these years that I was: 1) Not going to fit in with them, ever. 2) Always be viewed as beneath them. And 3) They didn’t care about me truly. Let me explain. Please. I beg. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. Here’s some examples that stick out to me.
-Growing up, we would give gifts to each other and like I had mentioned, we didn’t have much money. My parents would sometimes give $20 to split between three friends for Christmas or birthdays. Sometimes it would be my paycheck money. I would often find gifts at Walmart (for example, cheap jewelry, shirts, cute accessories, etc) or places like Big Lots, or sometimes things at the mall if something was priced right. I can remember one of the friends saying, “Oh, did you get this at the dollar store?” I remember feeling embarrassed. Trying to find a gift on a budget, and I felt like a fool. It gets worse.
-I used to buy jewelry candles back when they were a craze. I loved the surprise of not knowing if you’ll get a real piece of jewelry or not. I remember I found several rings that were real stones and real silver. Not diamonds but I felt excited to have real silver and real gemstones. I wore them out to eat and one of my friends commented that they liked my rings. I explained jewelry candles. My other friend spoke up and said, “Yeah, they look like something you get from a ring candle.” I’m not here to impress you people. I was wearing it because it made me happy. Similarly, they would look at what brand purse or jacket I was wearing and comment on it. Sometimes almost implying I got it thrifting like I couldn’t just buy it full price. (I was an adult at this point and working full time).
-My high school graduation party, none of my friends came. They were all supposedly on vacation. Fine. I can’t do anything about that. Let it be known that I went to all of theirs and bought them all gifts. Better gifts than I had ever gotten them before (had a better job with more hours in school). Never got any gifts from them.
-Was a bridesmaid, in one friend’s wedding. I probably shouldn’t have agreed to do it, but I was. My others friends were bridesmaids, as well plus some of her friends from college. The bride was the one I was closest to. The whole thing with the other bridesmaids was beyond stressful. The bride had no maid of honor but one acted like they were. She was one of the friends from high school. She had us do all these super extra unnecessary things last minute. I found out later that these extra things were part of her gift! I spent hundreds on this wedding that wasn’t mine and she had the nerve to do everything free and play our hard work off as her gift because she was cheap. We had all made that gift ourselves and she had the nerve to make it her gift since it was her idea. She had her masters at that point and was working a good job. I worked at a grocery store going to school part time. I had went and took a painting class for one of my gifts that was customized. I paid $280 for a bridesmaid dress and had it fitted and seamed, plus shoes and nails. The dinner for the bachelorette party at a vineyard. -The bride may have been trying to have been nice to me when she offered to pay for my dress and then I could pay her back. I had been making payments on it since I also had my car bill, phone, and other things. It felt like a slap in the face. I guess the others girls paid theirs off in one payment and she found that out. I splurged and paid the rest of the money on it because I was embarrassed. It wasn’t like it was too outrageous to afford, but I just had other things to pay at the time. All her bridesmaids were in the medical field and came from good money. The one girl’s family owned a lake. That same girl also wouldn’t talk to me the entire time. The night of the bachelorette party, the one girl’s mom paid for our room and all the other girls got a bed. I had to sleep on the pullout couch. It was super lumpy and uncomfortable. Once again, embarrassing. I left the hotel in the middle of the night and drove home. I didn’t live far. I drove back in the morning and got brunch with them. Acted like nothing happened.
-Mid 20s: My friends were all back in town. We decided to meet back up. They decided to meet at bar in downtown. I go and they all have their significant others with them. I would have brought my boyfriend at the time if I had known. I felt like a third wheel. The bar was loud and cramped. Live music was playing. After we greeted each other, no one talked to me. I was sitting on the end and tried to conversate over the music at the bar. I had weird feelings and thought about leaving. The live music ended after a few hours. My one friend got up and went out to her car to get something. She came back in with two pretty boxes with my two other friends’ names on them. They opened them up in front of me. They had been invited to be her bridesmaids. I awkwardly sat there trying not to cry and feeling confused. These were my childhood-high school friends. I played it off like it didn’t bother me. I thought to myself, “Why invite me then?”. Stupid me stayed friends with them for several more years. I went to said friends bridal shower and wedding, like a fool. I got her nice gifts, like a fool.
-One friend has a weird thing about comparing herself to other people. I think it’s insecurity mixed with ego? I’ll explain. She always has to have the best things. A new car, a half million dollar house, private universities, the fact she’s been with her high school sweetheart who is a douchebag, honestly. They have an unhealthy relationship for various reasons. They are mostly together for (what the kids these days call) “clout”. They both have good jobs. She’s in the medical field and he was selling medical equipment last I knew. They like to bring up bad things each other did to each other in front of guests. For example, he tried to cheat on her in college, and she’ll bring it up to guilt him in front of people. “Remember when you tried to cheat on me...”. In public. They do it to each other. He lied about his political party because he was working for a politician and was trying to schmooze his way up. He later admitted he just lied to everyone and didn’t share the same the beliefs. Amongst many other things. They are married now. He wants kids, she doesn’t last I knew. They get on Facebook and use the hashtag #powercouple. Point is, she always wants to know what I’m up to. I’ve had to watch what I put on social media. I used to be more open and now I realize that people use that to judge or compare themselves to you. I don’t put where I work or where I live on there. I realized it’s nobody’s business. When I bought a house with my husband, she was wanted to know where exactly I lived so she could look up how much we bought our house for. I know this because I remembered her saying she loves to creep on people and find out things. We bought a home that we felt was affordable and had character. In high school, her and husband lived off of the high of being our grades most well-known couple. Everyone knew them together. They went to France together. They had their engagement photos done in London. She gets on Facebook for their anniversaries (how long they have been together and their wedding anniversary date) and says something like, “Can’t believe I’ve been stuck with you for 12 years. You gets on my nerves, but you’re a good cat dad to our cats. And you can cook. Haha. I love you. Or maybe I love the cats more”. Cringey.
An ending to this long story? Yes, for the most part. I want to mention that I made my own mistakes with them. I’m not perfect. I also know that I never said anything mean or degrading either. I realize that I never really spoke up to them. When I did it was because I was upset or frustrated with them. I was too worried about being alone. I was friends with these toxic people, and I eventually stopped seeing them. The last straw was seeing them on Instagram all hanging out without me. It’s fine. That’s their choice, and I wish they would have done it sooner instead of stringing me along. I’m not angry. It was my sign that we weren’t friends anymore. I deleted them off of social media. Nothing has been said to each ever since.
I want people to know that it’s okay to grow and change. It’s not okay to make others feel bad. It’s not healthy to compare and feel above others. Please don’t be afraid to speak up like I was. The fear of having no one scared me badly. Sometimes having just one good friend is better than having a group of friends. I ended up find my best friend after all of this! We’ve been best friends for six years now. It’s the most healthy and rewarding friendship I’ve ever had. We build each other up and can talk for hours! We don’t judge each at all. We love the simplicity in our lives.
I really just wanted to vent. I hope other people have similar stories to me. Feel free to share.
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“Tell me about it.” Aquila quirks her brow at Penny. “Tell me about your home.”
“Ah, you want to know the Lupin-Black family secrets don’t you!” Penny chuckles a little as Aquila turns head head to the stars, “Regulus.” Penny makes a confused noise, “That’s the constellation, well and Leo but Leo isn’t my dads favorite so I don’t really care about Leo.” Penny looks up with her.
“Every Saturday, before hogwarts, we’d go to bed early so we could wake up and watch the stars. Pops made a big deal out of it sometimes like ‘They’ll be tired tomorrow, Sirius’ or ‘This will mess up their sleep schedule’ but in the end we’d be in the back garden starting at the sky while dad told us all about the constellations,” She chuckles a bit, “He’d always get really happy when talking about Sirius or Regulus. A bit narcissistic if you ask me.”
Aqulia drops back onto the ground. “The only thing we weren’t allowed to do on those nights was run around because we might mess up the herb garden and that would be bad.” Penny looks down at her, Quil’s eyes shined as she spoke about her parents. As if family was the only thing that really mattered.
“He also locks the library after you find old, unsent love letter of his from hogwarts.” Penny giggles a little, Aquila blushed a bit. “They’re stupid, but cute all the same.”
“Did you take them or are they still in the library?” Quil laughted a little, “I took pictures with my phone, and a fun fact about Sirius Black is that he doesn’t know how to use a toaster much less a cellphone.” Penny gives Aquila a weird look. “Are you telling me your father is incompetent?”
“No, just a pure bood through and through!” Aqulia places her hands behind her head. “He’ll also throw flour on you while baking! Every winter break with that asshole!” Penny laughs, and Quil feels her heart melt a little. “He stops when Pops starts yelling about how he’s wasting flour and how many cookies we have to make and all that.”
“Pops is a lot different from Dad, in a good way, don’t you think I’m bashing good old sweater vest man!” Penny laughs a little more and Quil realizes that she has pushed herself into the same position as young Sirius Black and those letters written to the scarred boy with soft fawn hair.
“Pops makes you tea and talks about books with you. He also knows how to use a phone properly so cheers to him for that.” Penny lays back next to Aquila. “He loves chocolate and stupid romance novels that are so fluffy they rot your teeth out.”
“Sound like you really love your family.” Aqulia turns her head to Penny. “I haven’t started on Ted yet you’ll get a real mean on out of me with that one!” Penny places her hand on Quils cheek and softly carreses her.
They sit like that for a bit before Aquila continues, “Ted is a good few years older than me, he’s my aunt Tonks’ biological kid so he’s a metamorphmagus like her.” Penny nods her head softly. “When we were younger he’d change his hair to wild colors all the time. Like sometimes he’d go bright green, like so bright it hurts your eyes and others, a shade of deep blue so that it looked like the ocean.”
“Still a prat though, stole my stash of Halloween candy one year and never told me where he put it.” Penny leaned a little closer. “You really sound like you’d die for him still.”
“Well yeah, a brothers a brother I guess.” Penny sits up and takes her hand off Quils face, she can still feel that soft rubbing motion of the other girls thumb on her cheek bone. “I have to get back to the Ravenclaw common room before 2 or they’ll find out I’m not studying in the library like I said.” Penny stands up, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Quil.” Aquila stands up quickly, “Yeah, see you tomorrow.”
Penny grabs the side of Aquila’s face and kisses her cheek. “Goodnight, Aqulia.” She says after she starts to walk off, leaving the other girl with cherry red cheeks and a red lipstick mark to match.
#wolfstar#remus lupin#teddy lupin#sirius/remus#sirius black#harry potter#harry potter fanfiction#ao3 fanfic#hp fandom#they’re gay your honour#Sirius black passing down the idiot gay gene like what the hell man 🙄#nymphadora tonks#is a tonks love page ❤️#I have to say that she’s through and through a lesbian I just gotta
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I’ve been challenged !!
Here’s some meta on my personal ideas as to how Bella would have fared if Charlie Swan, Father of the Fucking Year, had raised her, instead of Renee Dwyer, scatterbrained vaguely narcissistic parental unit. About 90% of this can be applied to Beau as well, since he’s one of my main muses.
So for one thing, Bella would actually have been allowed to be a fucking child. She doesn’t learn to cook when she’s nine/ten years old because Renee keeps “forgetting” to make meals, she doesn’t learn to do the taxes and pay the bills at 12 (!!) years old because Renee keeps “forgetting” about money, and she wouldn’t have been expected to do anything around the house except things that are normal chores, i.e. keeping one’s room clean, washing dishes, trying to leave the bathroom how you find it, etc.
Bella’s relationship with Renee, while mainly good, would still be estrange, due to Renee’s disdain towards Forks and her somewhat awkward feelings towards Charlie due to, you know...breaking his heart and running off and abandoning him with a four month old baby due to postpartum depression. Bella loves her mother, and I don’t doubt Renee loves Bella, but their conflicting viewpoints would put a strain between them. Their time together is sporadic, which is probably for the best.
I still see Bella as being so much like Charlie. Even in canon without his constant influence, Renee had pointed it out. Bella was introverted, and not always so keen on talking to people if she didn’t have to. So that aspect of her personality may never change. Plus the clumsiness. I think that’s a somewhat endearing feature of hers, even if growing up in Forks would have meant there was more danger.
Bella Swan being the resident klutz who’s normally covered in bruises is just a staple in the community and no one thinks twice about it. Except Bella’s not as embarrassed by her clumsiness. Sometimes she uses her injuries to tell funny stories as to how she got injured to begin with.
Charlie may not say it often, but his love for Bella is shown in every action. He goes to every school function, teaches her everything she needs to know to take care of herself, helps her with her homework and is even willing to fight the awkwardness to help her when puberty arrives. He doesn’t hover, but he’s protective, and when there are things he’s lost in, he asks his female friends and colleagues for advice. Bella would consider her dad one of her best friends because he understands her.
Angela Weber would be her best fucking friend, from kindergarten to high school, and I stand by that. Angela is described as uncommonly kind, and she’s one of the few people who make Bella comfortable in her own skin. You cannot tell me they wouldn’t be BFFs, friendship bracelets/necklaces and all.
Bella actually loves Forks? Sure, she loves the sunlight, but the cold and the wet and the gloomy aesthetic is just fine by her. It makes her “part albino” jokes make more sense since she’s so pale as compared to her peers. Plus she’s a fan of hiking, despite her two left feet, and I can see her doing stuff like photography and art of the world around her.
Her hobbies are encouraged by Charlie, even if he doesn’t always understand them. When Bella shows love for literature and art, he actually encourages her to join clubs to help flourish her love for these things. As she gets older, he has his eye out for colleges with good programs in literature, art and science, and you can bet a pretty penny that he saves every cent he can to help her achieve whatever college she wants to go to someday.
Her relationship with Jacob!!!! Would remain platonic!!!! Maybe Jake would have a crush on her as they were kids. Maybe they would try dating. But in the end, they would see they’re not very well matched romantically, and they can transition back to friendship with no hard feelings. Or Jake could outgrow his crush and they would never date at all. But you can bet your butt that they are BFFs too.
When the Cullens arrive, Bella is as dazzled by them as everyone else is, except she’s not simping over anyone -- except Edward *cough cough* -- though she never tries to make it obvious. So she just offers them a friendly face to see, and while Edward is immediately angsting over the idea that they’ve just gotten to this brand new town and he can’t hear Bella’s thoughts, Alice is like, “Oh! New bestie! Hello new bestie! I’m Alice, we’re gonna be besties! :D”
Bella might actually understand more why Edward wants her to try and stay human as long as possible, but in the end, she would still choose to be a vampire. She just might be okay with aging a little longer, and not so freaked out about being physically older than Edward by a couple of years.
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I was watching Phoenix/Night’s chapter 11 review video, he had ideas of what’d happened to Oscar. One of them was that maybe he was able to get away from Neo and try to run away from her but he wasn’t fast enough to get away and somehow got captured by her. I assume that Neo took him to the Vault of the Relic of Creation where I assume the Oscar vs Neo fight is gonna happen. I believe it’s gonna parallel the Raven vs Cinder fight in V5, a fight for the two relics. What do you think about that?
Hey Chels. Hmm…I’m not sure about the vault part, fam.
Even if Neo managed to take Oscarhostage, why would she take him down to the Vault of the Winter Maiden? As faras the audience is aware of, Neo (and by extension Cinder) doesn’t know thewhereabouts of the Vault within Atlas Academy. Nor is she aware that Oscarknows about it either. While I agree with the part about a potential fight downin the Vault, I doubt it’ll be between Oscar and Neo. For me, I’m moreexpecting Oscar and Ironwood to have a confrontation either down in the Vaultor on the way to the Vault. My assumption is that Ironwood went down to theVault and is probably waiting for Winter to join him down there once she’sclaimed Fria’s power. That way Winter would open the Vault for Ironwood so thathe could use the staff’s power to hoist Atlas Kingdom into the orbit; removingthe kingdom and its citizens from Remnant.
However, my presumption on whatmight really end up happening is one of the following few concepts--
Ironwood will be waiting down in theVault for Winter only for Cinder to show up instead to challenge him for theStaff. A fight then breaks out however Ironwood is unfortunately overpowered byCinder who had the strength of two Maidens on her side after successfullyclaiming Fria’s power for herself; confirming much to Ironwood’s despair thatWinter Schnee---his right hand and top operative---had been killed by one ofSalem’s very own. Cinder then goes to kill Ironwood but he’s saved from neardeath by Oscar and Ruby arriving down in the Vault. Oscar then instructs Rubyto take the injured Ironwood to safety while he tries and stop Cinder fromtaking the Staff. A fight then breaks out between Oscar and Cinder, rekindlingthe fateful rematch us Pineheads have been itching for.
The alternative to this is Ironwoodwaiting for Winter down in the Vault but Oscar shows up. Since the othersalerted him of the General’s intentions, Oscar attempts to talk some sense toJames but at this point he’s too far gone. He won’t listen to reason. He eventrains his gun on Oscar. But just as it appears as if the two were going toclash, Cinder arrives down in the Vault to claim the Relic.
As a third alternative, Ironwoodgoes down to the Vault to wait for Winter. But as he enters the vault he isbemused to discover a narcissistic Cinder Fall already waiting there for himwith the corpse of Winter Schnee in one hand and the remains of a dismantledPenny Polendina in another which she wickedly lays at Ironwood’s feet; as if togloat of her accomplishments. A fight ensues between the two. At this time,Ruby and Oscar arrive at the Vault in an attempt to stop Ironwood. But as thetwo Rosebuds arrive down the Vault they are met by Cinder who has alreadysucceeded in gaining the Relic of Creation. With the staff in her hand, thingsget a bit topsy-turvy as Atlas begins to fall out of the sky as a result of thestaff’s removal leading to Oscar and Ruby to fight gravity and a dual-powered MaidenCinder for the Staff as a means of stopping the collapse.
Those are just a few ideas I have. Eitherway, my headcanon remains that Oscar willbe the one to fight Cinder in the end. I have a feeling that V7 endgamecould parallel V3 with Oscar sending his allies away to safety while he staysbehind to prevent Cinder from claiming the Relic of Creation. This way I canimagine Oscar embodying both Ozpin and Pyrhha--ensuring that his friends---thepeople he cared for and whose lives he was more or less entrusted with---madeit out alive before moving forward to do whatever he could to stop Cinder; evenif it meant sacrificing his own life to stop her. The last time, a Wizard ofLight challenged Fall Maiden Cinder, they lost. The last time Oz stood up toCinder, she killed him and that was back when she only had one Maiden power.
Somehow I kinda like the concept of Oscar challenging Cinder and avenging Ozpinby being the one to put a stop to Cinder. I don’t know what the CRWBYWriters’ plans for Cinder are. But in the event that V7 is to be her final curtain call, I feel like it wouldbe fitting if Oscar was the one tofinally do so.
@moondrop04, I know I told you Ididn’t like the idea of Oscar sacrificing himself for his friends. However I’vehad more time to think about it and now I can actually picture it beingsomething Oscar would do as a testament to his bravery. This doesn’t mean thatI think Oscar will die though. Nah. If anything I expect Oscar to fight Cinderand survive. I like the idea of Oscar sacrificing himself to try and stopCinder just like Oz. Who knows? Perhaps,in a similar fashion to V3 with Pyrhha, Rubyends up going down to the Vault just in time to find Cinder about to kill Oscar. At first she suffersdifficulty to summon forth her Silver Eye power as a result of the fear Saleminstilled in her in regards to her mother’s death by her hands. It’s a momentwhere Ruby finds it impossible toclear her mind long enough to think of positive thoughts to protect everyone.So in that moment, Ruby does the just thing. She basically emulates the advicethat Other Dimension Peter Parker gave to Miles Morale about becoming a hero inSpiderman: Into the Spider-verse.
“…Youcan’t always just think about saving everyone. You have to think about saving atleast one person first.”
Or something alongthose lines since I’m paraphrasing here. Sobasically that’s what Ruby does. She thinksabout Oscar; how much he’s proven to care about her and their team sincethey met and the way he made her feel. Because in that moment, Ruby wasn'ttrying to save everyone. All she wanted to accomplish in that moment was protectingOscar. Because in that moment, saving him was all that mattered and she was notabout to let Cinder Fall kill another friend she loved ever again.
Soin a nutshell, Ruby is able to summon her Silver Eyes at full blast which issuper effective again Cinder who shrinks back from being exposed to the light.As Cinder lunges for Ruby, she is finished by Oscar who lands the final killingblow. Imagine if… crystalized stalactites with the the Vault. Perhaps Oscar could use the magic of the Long Memory to cause oneof the stalactites to fall on top of Cinder, crushing her before she could getto Ruby.
Notsure how to feel about Oscar killing someone, even if it is a villain. I don’twish for a repeat of what transpired with Bumblebee last season with AdamTaurus now with the RosegardeningRosebuds. I’m not even sure if Cinder will actually be killed off. I’mstill waiting to see what the PLOT does with her especially since we’resupposed to learn more about her backstory at some point for this arc trilogy.Regardless, still wanted to toss the idea on the table.
As I said to @daggerpawstudios inanother, I’m starting to like the idea of Oscar trying to get away from Neo. Soin that regard, I agree with Phoenix/Night. However where I deviate is that Ilike the idea of Oscar not being kidnapped at all. My headcanon is that Oscarsuccessfully escaped Neo’s attempt at taking the Relic off of him and iscurrently somewhere else on Atlas premises trying to get as far away from Neoas possibly. However V6 highlighted Neo being able to mask objects with hersemblance (as she did with Mistral airship), my idea is that currently Neo haspoor Oscar trapped in an illusion where he’s been attempting to find an exithowever Neo has disguised all the exits as dead ends, making Oscar think he wastrapped with no way out and with no way of getting in contact with his comradessince Ironwood locked off communication within the hero group.
I like this concept since it’s aninteresting way to show off Neo’s cunningness as a villain while additionallytesting Oscar’s resolve. I dig the idea of Neo messing with Oscar psychologicallythrough her illusions, making him believe he was all alone trapped in a maze ofher creation with no way of finding his friends.
What’s more terrifying is thatNeo could also disguise herself as any of Oscar’s female allies, inclusive ofRuby. Oscar wouldn’t know where to turn and who to trust since, in Neo’sillusion, he wouldn’t know what’s fake from reality.
It’s cool since it provides an opendoor for Oz to return and guide Oscar in the same manner as he did back inArgus. Not to mention that it also provides an opportunity for Ren to debut hisevolved semblance.
Imagine if…JNR hasbeen trying to find Oscar too but Neo’s illusion winds up confusing them aswell and keeping them from reaching Oscar until Ren reveals a new ability thathe’d been developing all season where he can possibly locate Oscar’swhereabouts by locking onto his emotions specifically.
I really do that have afeeling that Ren might play a role in finding Oscar; especially in the eventthat he’s stuck inside an illusion that’s keeping him trapped inside and anyoneelse trying to find him outside.
I like this concept a lot and I think I’llkeep that as my main hunch for RWBY V7CH12 until the episode debuts.
~LittleMissSquiggles (2020)
#squiggles answers: rwby#oscar pine#rwby neopolitan#lie ren#general ironwood#rwby theories#rwby volume 7 theories#rwby volume 7 spoilers#che1sea-xiao-long#squiggles answers
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Thousands of stories have been written about me, most of them bull***t. I’ve given two interviews. This is my third. Things have been made up, spun around and others are outright lies…
THE FICTION I’m a drunk because I’ve been photographed buying beer.
THE FACTS I buy beer for the guards at the gatehouse at the compound where I live. Sharon Osbourne accused me of being an alcoholic the other day. How dare she? I drink the occasional glass of red wine with dinner because it’s good for my heart. How can Sharon Osbourne criticise me? My family might be dysfunctional but it’s nothing compared to hers.
THE FICTION I faked my heart attack. When reporters called the Chula Vista Medical Center where I was treated they denied I’d ever been in there.
THE FACTS You have a right to privacy when you go into hospital. I didn’t want my name out there but they [reporters] still found me. I had to escape through a building site at the back of the hospital and then I went to a safe house, a tiny rented flat, which is where I watched the wedding. I have the medical bills to prove I had a heart attack. The insurance bills were $140,000 and I have to pay $20,000 of it as excess.
THE FICTION Meghan lived with her mother after we divorced when she was six and I only had limited contact with her because I was working all the time.
THE FACTS Meghan lived with me from the age of 11 until she went off to college after High School. Before that I saw her all the time. I dropped her off at school every morning when I went to work and arranged for someone to bring her to the set [of TV shows he worked on such as Married, With Children and General Hospital) after school. We were very close. I took her to her dance and drama classes. I would help build sets for her drama classes. I would help stage her shows. I’d always take her to CC Browns. It’s shut now but it was an ice cream parlour on Sunset Boulevard. We also went to Hamburger Hamlet. Then we would rent old dance movies. We watched every Busby Berkeley movie. She loved them. She wanted to be a dancer at first.
THE FICTION I live on McDonald’s meals.
THE FACTS I eat a mostly fish-based diet. I go to McDonald’s because when you’re my age after a two-hour drive it is a good place to pee. I get take-out fish from McDonald’s. I’ve lost 40lb since my heart attack. I eat fish and vegetables and stay on a 2,000 calorie-a-day diet. I’m not ‘the weirdo schlubby dad living in a shack in Mexico drinking beer and eating McDonald’s’.
THE FICTION I’m a loser who mooches off my daughter and the Royal Family.
THE FACTS I have been nominated for eight Emmys [the television equivalent of the Oscars] and won three. I’ve travelled all over the world. I did declare bankruptcy before I went down to Mexico but that was because I was in credit card debt and I wanted to wipe the slate clean. They were trying to charge me 28 per cent on the credit card debt and I refuse to pay that kind of crazy interest. I’ve never taken a penny from Meghan and I’ve never cashed in on the Royal Family. I’ve been offered hundreds of thousands of dollars to do talk shows and I’ve turned everything down.
I don't want money, I want my life back
Thomas Markle has not been paid for talking to The Mail on Sunday – and is adamant that he wants nothing from his daughter or the Royals.
For today’s interview, he asked that a donation be made to a charity of Meghan and Harry’s choice. The 74-year-old is now planning to leave Mexico and set up home ‘in a place where no one can find me and nobody knows me’. ‘I don’t want to be followed,’ he said. ‘I don’t want stories made up about me. I want my boring old life back. I feel like I’m damned if I do talk and damned if I don’t.
‘If you want to stay away from me then I will stay away from you. For two years I’ve been living in hell. I’ve been vilified, stories have been made up about me, I’ve been followed everywhere. I just want my quiet, boring life back.’
THE FICTION I’m a self-pitying narcissist who’s been talking constantly to the Press.
THE FACTS This is only the third interview I’ve given. All the other stories are crafted from the three original stories and most of them are lies. I’m not crying or feeling sorry for myself.
THE FICTION I have several illegitimate children.
THE FACTS They are simply close friends. One child is the daughter of my ex-housekeeper and her nice husband who are good friends to me. Every time I try to help someone it gets turned into something tawdry.
THE FICTION I was not involved in Meghan’s life.
THE FACTS Meghan herself has talked about how I was there. I don’t have to say it. She says I was there. The social activism she is so proud of is something I always encouraged.
We bought turkey dinners and took them to the homeless. We would drive up and down Hollywood Boulevard and hand meals out to the needy. She’s talked about that. When she was given a form at school to fill out her race and it was black or white she didn’t know what to mark down because she didn’t want to hurt her mother’s feelings or mine. She came home and said ‘I don’t know what to do.’ I told her: ‘Make your own box.’
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I buy beer for the guards at the gatehouse at the compound where I live, and I drink the occasional glass of red wine with dinner because it’s good for my heart
I addressed her birthday card to 'Duchess Meghan' and wrote 'I didn't fake my heart attack'
by Caroline Graham
Despite all the harsh words that have passed between them, Thomas Markle clearly still dotes on Meghan.
So much so that the 74-year-old sent his daughter two birthday cards to celebrate her 37th on August 4, when she and Harry attended the wedding of his friend Charlie van Straubenzee and Daisy Jenks.
Mr Markle says that he was concerned his daughter may have read false reports that he faked his heart attack.
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Pictured: Meghan with half-sister Samantha at her 2008 graduation
Meghan's half-sister Samantha Markle defends their father Thomas Loaded: 0%Progress: 0%0:00PreviousPlaySkipMuteCurrent Time0:00/Duration Time3:29FullscreenNeed Text
Subsequent surgery prevented him from attending the Royal Wedding in May.
‘I don’t know if she believes it or why she would believe it but it’s bull***t, like so much that has been written about me,’ Mr Markle said.
‘I wanted to reach out to her on her birthday.’
One card was covered in flowers, he revealed.
‘I wrote, “I didn’t fake the heart attack. I really wanted to be with you. Love, Daddy.” ’
The other was a jokey card with ‘singing animals’ which read: ‘Happy Birthday, love Daddy.’
Mr Markle sent them via Federal Express to an address he had been given by a palace official before the rift with his daughter began.
‘I addressed them to “Duchess Meghan”,’ he added. ‘I’ve heard nothing.’
+4
Mr Markle said: ‘I wrote, “I didn’t fake the heart attack. I really wanted to be with you. Love, Daddy.” ’
This is written by tom
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Every Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Thing Arie Did in Part 1 of the Awful, Riveting, No Fun, Painfully Mesmerizing 'Bachelor' Finale
So, as it turns out: "needle dick" was a pretty solid assessment of a highly thoughtless person, gifted to us during The Bachelor's season 22 “Women Tell All” special a few weeks ago. Yes, it was an assessment made by a pathological narcissist with a YouTube channel and a WebMD printout of "laryngitis" symptoms, but still...
On Monday night, The Bachelor decided to air three hours' worth of their chosen testicle-in-charge Arie repeatedly telling his final two sister-girlfriends that he was so in love with each of them, choosing one to propose marriage to, and then breaking off the engagement with That One while a camera crew filmed the whole thing because he figured out he was actually in love with The Other One. Now, let's be clear: Becca K. as she's known around the Bachelor Thunderdome, has dodged the most boring of bullets. When all is said and done — or in the case of Arie and Lauren, when all is just done — this situation will ultimately be nothing but a win for Becca K. She comes out looking like a Minnesota rose with the most treasured quality of all: not being engaged to Arie.
But this entire show is designed to make Becca fall in love with Arie, and she did that. Becca did exactly what The Bachelor asked of her, and they repaid her by having a dude whose personality amounts to "cars go vroom vroom" break up with her in real time on national television. Obviously, the very worst thing Arie did on Monday night was setting his fiancé up for a blindside, and agreeing to film it for mass consumption. But in The Bachelor world, it's near impossible to know what's contractually obligated and what kind of behind-the-scenes manipulation is at play. I put the burden of airing Becca's heartbreak on this franchise; at least until the final two hours of this trainwreck air on Tuesday night when perhaps Arie will explain himself [ed. note: hahhahahahaha omg srsly, wut am i thinking?].
Even with that benefit of the doubt given to Arie about just how callous and insensitive we could believe him to be to the women he claims to love, our Bachelor still spent the entire three hours of Monday's filmed finale in "hold my beer, watch this" mode. Truly, he had moves we've never seen — and a few we've all seen. Without needing to hear a single thing he has to say live on Tuesday night, these are unequivocally The Worst Things Arie did in Monday night's Bachelor finale:
TELLING BOTH WOMEN HE LOVED THEM EVERY TIME THEY GLANCED IN HIS DIRECTION
At some point, Arie decided to replace his most-used catch phrase, "I love that," which is entirely devoid of meaning, with a variation—"I love you"—which is one of the most important phrases in the English language. When Ben Higgins told both of his final two women that he loved them, he immediately knew he'd made a mistake, and spent the rest of the finale looking like he was going to throw up on his penny loafers. Because Ben realized telling them such an important thing would make both women feel extremely confident, and eventually one of them would be extra hurt and confused, knowing that he loved her a day ago when they were making out by a waterfall, but he's now rejecting her next to a pedestal from Home Goods with Chris Harrison lurking around in the background. Basically, Ben took one single moment to consider his girlfriends' feelings and was like, Ohhhh, I'm a fucking idiot.
Arie is a fucking idiot who will never, ever realize it, as is evidenced over and over again in his final, excruciating breakup with Becca. He loved that Becca and Lauren both felt so confident about their relationship with him, almost like he never once considered that one of them would be completely traumatized once they hobbled down a Peruvian hillside in the name of an engagement to the man they loved—and who loved them!—only to get a swift Kanye to the face [ed note: you know, Imma let you finish, but Becca had the best wife potential of all time]. Arie telling both women he loved them repeatedly, often, and with mounting conviction wasn't his worst mistake, but it was his most fundamental mistake. It's the infrastructural jackassery upon which his Mount Rushmore of his jackassery stands. Shall we proceed?
ASKING HIS FAMILY WHICH OF HIS TWO BELOVED GIRLFRIENDS HE SHOULD MARRY
Okay, I did kind of savor how rude Arie's parents were without seeming to have any idea how awful they were being. While I could empathetically understand that it would suck for Becca that Arie's family kept being like, Yes when we met Arie Jr.'s other girlfriend Lauren yesterday, we enjoyed her exactly as much as we are currently enjoying you…it was also a little hilarious how insensitively clueless they were. Heyyyy, it's almost like that characteristic runs in the family or something! Food for thought.
My family's opinion matters to me too — wanting to keep that opinion hovering around "only slightly worried about her delayed progression into adulthood" is one of the many reasons I would never go on The Bachelor (the other reasons are that The Bachelor wouldn't take me because I have curly hair, have never been a catalog model, and unabashedly ate a cookie for breakfast last week). What I'm saying, is your family's opinions go out the window the minute you decide to do any of this. But Arie clearly couldn't get past his family's assessment of two women they'd spent maybe three hours with, and whose only immediate differentiating features are: one is shy-nice, and one is outgoing-nice and they have two different hair colors, though I can't for the life of me remember which belonged to which woman. I want to say there was a Sarah. Was someone named Sarah, Arie Jr.??? Anyway, pick Becca—she talks!
AT LEAST ARIE'S FAMILY COULD EXPLAIN WHY THEY CHOSE BECCA OVER LAUREN
This situation was doomed from the moment ol' Pillow Lips himself explained that he wanted to be able to tell Lauren something that would help her understand why he was breaking up with her, "But I have no real reason to give her."
All I wanted to say to Arie throughout the entire finale was: TRY, Arie. Why don't you just try to explain it? It's a good practice, trying! I get that it's hard, but if you put in the work, and try even a little bit to understand your feelings, I swear you can ink something out, even if it's just: I do love this, and I don't love this. Those words are very solidly in your vocabulary, I know it. Just TRY to relay your feelings to the people you supposedly love, you weak-willed doofus!
LETTING LAUREN LAY OUT ALL THE REASONS SHE LOVES HIM BEFORE TELLING HER HE'S BREAKING UP WITH HER
Rude, so rude. This woman literally hates to speak, Arie—that is what you love about her! (I think!) And you're going to let her go on and on, quite eloquently might I add, about how you've inspired her to let her walls down and how she's soooo glad she finally let herself believe that this love could be real??? This man's spine is made of pudding cups.
TELLING LAUREN HE LOVED HER AS SHE GOT IN THE BREAKUP LIMO
At this point, the idiocy truly became astounding. Not only has he blindsided and traumatized a woman who he has been telling that he loves for weeks by choosing another women over her, but now he's going to tell Lauren that he loves her moments before proposing to Becca? Has he considered that might be painful for his alleged future wife? Of course not! I think if you told Arie that other people have internal thoughts and feelings just like him, his head would explode, and then he'd just go on living his exact same life as a headless torso being told what to do by the Bachelor producers. But at least this brings us to...
HONORABLE MENTION: THE BEST THING LAUREN DID
I know this will shock you, but the best thing Lauren did during the finale was speak a series of words out loud — and boy were those words dead on the money. In the limo, feeling shocked and betrayed, she repeats out loud one of the idiotic things Arie told her when he broke up with her: that he didn't know who he was going to choose until just that morning. "Does that not terrify him?" she asks. "How could you get down on one knee if you weren't sure, like, three hours ago?" An excellent question, and proof that even Lauren would have been a more equipped Bachelor than Arie.
PROPOSING TO BECCA
Obviously, Arie's biggest mistake, from which there is no turning back—although he sure does try, that stinker!—was exactly what Lauren couldn't wrap her head around: he got down on one knee and proposed marriage to Becca when he had been completely in love with another woman and unsure of who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with just hours before.
Never has it been clearer how toxic the construct of this show is than now, when it's been thrust upon a canvas as blank and malleable as Arie. He spends the entire finale saying he's not sure about one woman, spending time with that woman, and then being completely reassured that he's in love with her, basically because she is in love with him; lather, rinse, repeat with the next one. I truly believe that if Becca had the first final date with Arie, and Lauren had the second spot, Arie would have chosen Lauren instead. He has the emotional retention span of a drunken dance floor makeout. I think a baby trying ice cream for the first time might have a stronger grasp on what love is than Arie.
Oh, and let's not forget this standout line from Arie’s proposal of marriage: "I choose you today, and I choose you every day from here on out." Arie apparently thought "here-on-out" was like one of those Old English words like "wherefore" or "fortnight" where it sounds like it means one thing (forever), but actually means another (two months, or whenever the camera crew is available to come out to this mansion in the Hills).
THE ENTIRE BREAK UP CONVERSATION WITH BECCA, START TO (ATTEMPTED) FINISH
Assessing the production genius and emotional sociopathy of the decision to show Arie breaking Becca's heart in real-time split-screen is for another time. For now, let's just block off the next four hours to discuss every single stupid thing Arie did during said exploitative disaster. First, after sitting Becca down for a serious talk, Arie tries to ask her how a recent trip to Las Vegas was and compliment a new tattoo. [Ed. note: The distraction of trying to figure out if the tattoo had anything to do with Arie, and ultimately, the immense relief that it did not but was merely your average bumblebee wrist-tattoo, was at least appreciated.]
Becca, however, is like, cut the shit and tell me what you want to talk about; that is our first sign that Becca is equipped to deal with the fuck boi nonsense that is about to be presented to her. I would like to be clear though, that just because Becca is strong, and Arie is weak, would not make this any less painful for her.
Arie then proceeds to explain in great detail how he can't explain why he's breaking up with her, except to say it in the absolute harshest, and most callous way possible: "The more I hung out with you, the more I felt like I was losing the possibility of maybe reconciling things with Lauren." I honestly think the worst part of that awful statement isn't saying that you've been thinking about someone else the entire time you’ve been with Becca; it isn't saying that you're leaving her for another woman; it isn't naming that woman by name just to really drive the knife right in the bumblebee tattoo; it's calling your engagement "hanging out." GROW UP, ARIE!!!
Becca's flawless response: "Are you fucking kidding me?" NEVER CHANGE, BECCA!!!
Arie goes on to say just about every wrong thing possible. He didn't think "it would be fair" to stay with Becca if he was only half in the relationship. "So are you going to be half in with her?" Becca asks. Nope, Arie's gonna full-love Lauren, and he feels like he's been "pretty upfront" with Becca about how he's been struggling to get past his feelings for Lauren. That's when Becca's left hand with her giant engagement ring briefly dips below the split-screen, and without saying anything, comes back up diamondless. And that's when I fall in full-love with Becca. Perhaps, Arie says, he didn't let Becca know "the extent" to which he hadn't moved on from Lauren. "Clearly," says Becca, a queen.
Then this martyr-ass-muthafucka tells the fiancé he's breaking up with in order to go chase after another woman that he "thought it would be good for us to talk about this now," rather than doing it on After the Final Rose. Becca tells him it would have been good if he hadn't proposed to her in the first place. She says she's done here, and goes in the back of the house to start re-packing the suitcases she brought with her when she was assuming this would be a romantic weekend with her fiancé…
NOT FUCKING LEAVING WHEN BECCA ASKED HIM TO FUCKING LEAVE 100 DIFFERENT TIMES
People talk to me about The Bachelor a lot. Even when I'm not writing about a season, or not really watching it, they know I'll be down to clown about The Bachelor and I love that — always talk to me about The Bachelor, I beg of you.
The number one thing I've heard from women who watched last night's slow-motion disaster, is how sick they felt watching Arie hang around that house and follow Becca around, and ask her to talk to him, even after she’d repeatedly told him that she wanted him to leave and had nothing to say to him. Because there is a certain type of immature man than many women (and men, I'd imagine) have dealt with: men who want women to reassure them that they're still good men even though they're doing a bad thing. Arie begged Becca to talk to him some more, and when she relented, he stared at her in silence. Because he was waiting and waiting for her alleviate the emotional weight of his guilt for him, so that he wouldn't have to feel it anymore.
Becca refused to do that: she refused to hug him goodbye. She refused to tell him that it was okay. She refused to tie an ugly situation up with a pretty bow in order to take this man's emotional baggage onto her already heaving load. And that is the admirable, strong, very good, incredibly courageous thing Becca did.
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A knife.
1.) I've never cried once when I waxed my legs.
I can feel it though.
as I can feel the breeze and the cold
and the salt evaporating from
the sand caked beach.
And its taste on scrambled eggs,
and your rain coat on the peg,
and your stolen eyes
stealing my body
as the door screeches
shut
in that scream that I dread.
And I can hear the sound of pop corn,
and people in the street,
their red mouths like
poppies
and bulls eyes
in a Rolling Stone magazine.
Telling lies.
And yeah, I like my coffee black.
S'how I decided to like it
as I have once in a party
sworn
that I was born
with my tongue flipped backwards,
my taste buds starting at the bitter bit instead.
Said that just to excite them.
I love movies.
But never cry in public.
I'd never cry if it pleased the Republic.
What I do is, I try to get a grip of their minds
See my vision through a
screen.
But lets not get too dark, shall we?
I love the sight of wool-
Transformed and processed,
refined,
Blessed.
And how it scratches on my back,
sharply.
And how it goes around and itches my neck,
hungrily.
And wraps around my waist and burns me.
But that is how I choose to dress.
And yeah I love the feel of rain and stuff,
and cycling,
and laughing,
and falling, and scrambling
and crying,and crying.
And the crisp sheets on my childhood bed,
how when you got lost in them by yourself, tearing the sheets apart.
I felt nothing.
Not the wool, nor the the coffee, not even the leg waxing.
As you saw, as you watched my eyes go forever red.
2.)
The scent of her bluebell
earrings made them mad.
She swayed a halo of hair at their
bluebird eyelashes that wished to fly away
and perch on her shoulders,
adoring her teacups of cracked silence and
dry toast.
The love she held to them was bitter,
conscious of her power,
she did not let them see through
her skin.
Lotus palms higher chakra fingernails
on her parchment thighs and a longing of
consumption of trimmed misery,
a pattern of stolen space shared in corners.
They were all so beautiful.
Their souls were white, I tell you.
And one by one, she would let them into her room
and thank their lives.
Kissing their shoulders with
whiskers of leaves.
They would try to run their hands over
sudden quivering glimpses of lake blue stillness,
that shattered across her eyes.
They were making it worse for themselves,
They were making her remind herself of
the numbing stitches that lay as maps over her brain.
2.)
How is it for you,
as you sit pink eyed?
Your skin, un-stretched
from hurtling warship storms
shines golden,
awesome disney penny golden,
slightly akin to our
Kath Kidston bread rolls and hours of
spiky cricket.
It is easy to fall in love
with your idea of an anxious
death of new-boy,
oxford- sandle- schoolboy.
Beatings.
I relish in your fire.
In your even slightest oxygenation and combustion rust.
When clippings fall off your Thatcher-esque milk-carton teeth.
But that barely satisfies pits of knotted words.
And jaws pulled open to emplace chastity belts.
Onions,
Wikka crosses.
Suffocation.
My body is a battlefield of eyes,
rashes, scratches, and many many apparent scars.
I try to walk across your face,
down expensive liquor suns.
My life was an orphan. My hands
were open and a ghost took them.
Now I can only scream.
Your sight makes me cry and you continue to shine,
And you sit down in the sand and - ‘help me’.
This is snow globe ancient.
It is swoons of acid sooty waves, storms and storms
of the shipwreck cleaner - the orphan.
You explain to me life as if it were a mere
plastic
globe.
Eccentric.
Disposable.
And most probably Toxic.
One of the reasons I am doing this project is because of trauma.
Poetry is so wishy-washy and ambiguous so lets get straight to the point.
Not many people detect this, some may sense pain and things like that, but on the whole, out of all the things this project has turned out to have a connection to, the trauma that also spurs it is not something not talked about a lot. It has paced my life, as good old trauma tends to do. It paces this piece of art. As so, it turns out that this is also an attempt to heal. I am taking courage, taking hold over my life now. I will write and speak and run until I don’t need to, until I feel at last at home in my own crawling skin. I will run to where I feel most protected, where I have felt I can breath at last, the warmth of the earth and the quietness of the fields of Nature. Where I feel I am of the same mud as the rest of this earth.
Trauma. As it is for many others, trauma is insidious. It is a natural, scientific, real, proven, (blah blah look up the research) whatever you want to call it, phenomenon. It changes your brain. It is when something or someone through your childhood development and right into your adult life, comes in and disrupts the healthy boundaries of your body, your mind and your sense of self. When you are ok, you have a normal bubble where a healthy ego may develop and later on in life, thrive. When not your bubble is more this weird mashed potato. Or many different states of mashed potato. When you have not experienced trauma you know the boundaries of yourself and others and more importantly you know how to maintain them. My bubble, both physically and mentally, was distorted (made mash potato), from an early age. It was not for me one event, it was also a, combination of people and moments. The lines are blurry, and yes, I agree, the line of victim and perpetrator is difficult, and sometimes confusing, there there remains a constant. From an early age my boundaries were laughed at made lesser than, later used and twisted. It is the plight of the perception of women or anyone made lesser, their bodies made objects. Just to repeat: My existence, as for most of us, is a lot of pain. It is at times unbearable. You cannot demean this, or make this any smaller than the immensity I feel in my mind at some points of time. I guess this is speaking truth to survive. So back to the little talk on trauma. The healthy development I was meant to have by now is supplemented by the voices of those who opened me up and ate me raw. Psychologically, it is self-doubt and even hatred, somatically, it is sometimes a bodily fear of others or not knowing boundaries, exuding too much closeness and intimate energy and then at times freezing up out fear when my body suddenly realises the danger it put itself in. Or just fading away, giving in, not feeling. It is also crying and panic, yeah that happens. I can’t imagine what it must be like for people with trauma greater than mine, but this is not the point. I am here to talk about my trauma. Because it is time to take back what people took from me like chocolates, when truthfully, if he really cared for and respected me, he wouldn’t have ever fucking done that. There is no way to reconcile that in my mind. I have tried utter, truthful and surrendering forgiveness, but you know what that just didn’t work for me. So here is my story.
I met an old friend the other day, I didn’t expect him to be there, or ever see him again, although paradoxically I knew we would cross paths. This past month has been a month of giving for me, of building up projects like this one. I fucking stamped out the voices that were being stupid and managed to do the things I needed to do. I have had a precious time, I have met wondrous people. If you recognise yourself here, well done! I love you. I have made some true connections and touched others’ lives because I reached out in my truth, and so did hey. Spoke from the soul. It is something that I am proud of, my present life has taken a turn I really like. I am now again fighting for something that is outside of me, but in the process makes us laugh, connect, and feel at home. I am a fucking warrior. I did what I promised to myself, I fucking fought and got out of my hole of self pity, and I was happy for a while. But the golden light passes, as all will pass, and already, as a woman, I feel the end of the cycle coming, a time for darker thoughts needing to be processed. But also, this time was also powered by unsustainable energy, of escapism by excessively giving, and as I realised on the only day I was really sober, that parts of it were numbing. Some of you picked up on that, because after a while you see the cracks in my self, you see that something is wrong, does not quite align, you don’t know what it is, can’t put your finger on it, but something is very off. And that is when usually I ward you off or distract you with part of a persona I create. Frantically. No, I am not always OK. As many of us are.
A person of my family, a close friend of mine, grew to take me and what I am made me separate and lesser, a thing he could use. Anyway, starting off as a weird symbiosis of children it turned into an entitlement to the body of women, because I don’t know, like our sick culture of disgusting posh all boys boarding schools? Just saying. And because of his parents and the rest of the family gradually built him up to think of himself as the best. That can hurt and damage a person forever. What does all that pride give you, when you are a hollow empty narcissistic vessel by night? Just saying. Anyway, that is my trauma, or whatever, or was my thing, I can make it public because I want to, and because I like the idea of revenge, and because you do not overstep my boundaries. This piece of writing is a knife.
When I met you again, dear friend, you reminded me of this. And yes, the beautiful, and real parts of this project, are a part of it, but they are not everything. The need to reconnect with people of my life is because I have presented a frantic, scared, fractured persona a lot of the time. I have manipulated and quickly attached myself to a few people, a few best friends that would fill up my broken terrified heart. I have a string of best friends, relationships, that I become intensely entwined with to feel safe, out of pure need to survive. And then cut them off without the batting of an eyelid. That is fucking terrible. I don’t know how you could stand me for the time you did. I was a manipulative piece of shit, that could probably not respect your boundaries also. And if you took distance, that was very wise of you, I thank you for that, because the pieces of me that can still feel want you to be happy. I would cut off my friends as soon as they saw this. Next. It was all just survival. I would then hunt for my next prey and hope they would fill in this hole by using them in a weird symbiotic way as a part of me. The letter writing is also to not hide anymore, to get back in contact with you, to say sorry, but also, to truly talk to you and laugh about our past, to feel kindred spirits in this world that is tough. Because this state of frenzy has to stop. This fear has to stop. It is time I take back the knife, and stab back where it hurt the most. Enforced empathy. Making you hurt like I hurt even if you don’t want to. Now you will all know. Now the world will know. That I will not shut up. Now we attack back.
This girl fights. You seemed to have forgotten that.
Trauma. We build up this conversation together my dear friend. You who monologues a lot like men do, who forgets that I made this myself too, a part of you may feel good for having helped me, but this is also fucking self-generated. We talked about this together, how trauma is the underlying epidemic to us all. It is the sweeping waves of suicide that we seem to find hard to explain (Duh??). It is the never-ending cycle of creating men (and sometimes steel women) who are not warriors, but machines. Of honouring psychopaths, capable of disguising themselves as heroes, but who are actually machines built up from a world that has taken out a piece of their usual empathetic development. It is not usual male aggression. It is broken boys. Fracturing other peoples sense of self, as traumatising a population becomes the greatest weapon of war. Civilians and women, children, weaker men. Today, battling in Syria and elsewhere, we are not fighting a just war. Our machine men from our psychotic culture are traumatising women and children, sexually abusing other men (remember Abu Ghraib in Iraq? that seemed hard to explain for some reason). The greatest form of destruction is to destroy the minds of a population. Fighting terrorism is a weird Freudian cover up of a will of our population to manipulate and enjoy destroying another. It is the need to keep our women quiet and useable, to satisfy this machine mentality of soldiers off to feel good about killing things.
You and I were a microcosm.
You took a part of me, as some have taken a part of you, to fill in the hole that they start to take out of us, to be part of this culture. We inherit the past of our parents. It is the Ouroboros. The never-ending cycle, a snake eating its tail. Until someone in the chain decides to say fuck off and break from it herself. You also had a choice when we started to see it happen. But you just wanted your own satisfaction really. Psycho.
My escape is a necessity. It has now gotten to the point that it is more dangerous for me to stay silent than to reach out and take control.
This is me yelling. My art is me yelling. Our poetry is us yelling. This is me yelling about the very mantle of trauma that is stitched into the fabric of our society. It is so entrenched, as it has been in society, that it is barely utterable. Like a colour we cannot see, a collective amnesia. And it suddenly started spluttering out: Me too!
And me.
I am one in three women,
Lots of men told to kill their feelings.
Trauma comes in degrees, the refugee families and individuals I have met have amongst our laughter, our alchemy and dancing, talked about their trauma. I relate. It is not my trauma, nor my degree. But it is trauma. A category I relate to.
This is us taking back control. I do it for you but know that it is our turn to fight back. It is healthy to re-establish your boundaries of a world that took yours away. Create your knife.
So lets write, paint, sing, yell, make moments happen. Transform the world. Lets gain back control over narcissists that have fucked our world over. You are allowed to be the best you can. To brandish swards.
So this is my life’s work.
This is why I am doing this. And will continue to do things like this for all my future. And also, I am now going to have a fucking good time and enjoy life and not get caught up on this moment, or what ‘happened to me’, but it is important that it is out there, that it is not told to be kept silent. And if you every want to consider re-building your mind, or if you want redemption, this will be your life’s work too, or I will make it yours by force. Trust me, I am now the girl with the dragon tattoo, a dragon of my Mexican people that have been fucked over by white men like you (By the way, can you feel the power of Mexico and other countries starting to fight back? Being beautiful? Exciting right?).
So these are the letters. The start to break silences, to have stabbing conversations. No I am not tame. No my parents. My family. I will not do this nicely and silently. If you want to write a letter that stabs go ahead, if you want to thank all those who truly saw you and your truth go ahead. If you want to honour the world with your words and your beauty, go ahead. Lets cut to the real.
In a letter, you open the world. You can build and do other things you want from there. So lets start to stitch together connections of real discussions, or raw real open discussions, of the possibility of connecting networks between those who have seen trauma and who understand the pain of the world, and who alchemise it. We are the future.
And fuck those who tell you to be less real, to tone it down. They are cowards.
Dare,
Dare to connect.
We need truth more than ever.
We need reality more than ever.
We need beauty more than ever.
Fuck you Jack.
Eliza.
Right, now this is done, lets get back to life and cycling.
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When I was a kid there was always negativity in my life, mom and dad split before I was three, mom was struggling mentally, financially, career wise, every relationship I’ve watched her be in was just shit, and she deserved so much better, but she let her mental health get the best of her a lot. She would be very verbally abusive a lot and just in general, and I’ve seen her be physically abusive (not with me but other siblings) and other people. Because she struggled so hard mentally she couldn’t keep a steady job, and when she would get angry I would be really scared of her. Anytime I was fucking up in life she would be very harsh when I disappointed her, and would take a lot of the things I valued the most as punishment for fucking up, and my step dad *call him Hotrod* was a severe alcoholic and blew all his money on booze, so we were always poor, and we always had people coming and going in and out of the house, using us for food, shelter, and wouldn’t put anything into the household, so we were always broke. We barely kept bills paid, and barely survived to get through, I remember scraping pennies to get me a 4 piece pizza from a my favorite local pizza shop and it came with a pop (or as you uncultured swine say “soda”), and in those moments of eating that pizza I would feel truly happy cause I had something I wanted so bad and I fought hard to get it, and I felt I had earned it, cause I would save up every cent I saved up to get it, and..mom told me later in life that someone that had stayed there and used us..took money from my piggy bank, and she was furious. Hotrod while a man I love to death, because he is a hard working and determined person that doesn’t let things set him back ever, he was also..verbally and physically abusive..towards everyone..cause of his alcohol problems.
Then at 17 my mom gets with a new man *I’ll call him Dick which is fitting for his real life name* Dick was a very kind, sweet, and seemingly cool person. I loved the guy, happily called him step dad, cried when he went to jail. He...also had severe alcohol problems, and he was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive. I remember going to Kings Island in 2015 with him, mom, my little sister, and his mother and youngest son. Everything was great at first, but then the next day I was badly sunburnt from the day before, sick in bed with sun poisoning, so I told them to go without me that day. Later that night, he got plastered, shitfaced plastered, and was arguing with my mom when for some reason this fucking idiot says that my mom and I have been “fucking each other behind his back” and then I’m just here paralyzed by how he’s acting and he looks at me and says, “And when you turn 18 I’m beating the fuck out of you, you pussy ass f*ggot.” and called me a pussy, a sissy, a crybaby bitch for having emotions. I eventually gained the courage to stand my ground, and I stood my ground against him, knowing good and well I would lose that fight, but I was not going to be stopped if it came to it. I had people I loved and cared about to protect, and then..I tried to forgive him. I really gave it my all this time, and he acted like he was willing to make amends, but then one night I’m up in my room just minding my own business, doing what I always do, play on my PC, when I overhear him talking shit about me behind my back. I packed up my shit that night and moved to my grandparents that morning, I woke up early and just left. Told my mom why, told her I loved her, but I deserved better than that.
But today mom is honestly doing great, she’s a bit of a nutjob and stuck in her ways on things, and her and I may not see eye to eye on a lot of things, but she worked hard on herself and has learned her self worth through tons of shadow work and reflection, and she found inspiration in things that mean the most to her, and she’s finally learned how to stand her ground, and fight for the things she wants out of life, but be calm about it. She is but like a gentle giant.
Now for dad.. Dear old dad, the dreamer. A hard working man, that does love the simple things in life, but he dreams so big for things, and he has the power to get there, but a fault of his today, is a fault of his seemingly the entire time I’ve been alive. He blows his money on a lot of stupid shit, and he does it to try and buy people’s genuine love. He’s very easy to be used, and he knows it, and he hates it, but he won’t fucking stop doing it cause he’s a stubborn dumbass and fucking hard headed, but god do I love him, and I know he truly does love me with all his heart and soul, and sadly..I’ve taken advantage of his kindness plenty of times in my life, because it made me feel like he did love me, so..sadly I would use him. I’ve learned throughout this year to be more appreciative of others kindness and actions, and I’ve been telling him a lot lately just how much his true kindness does mean to me, cause he never has to help me, but he’s always there when I need him most.
But what I won’t deny is that there were plenty of times where I needed him and he just simply wasn’t there. He got with this vile woman *Call her Louie* cause people would jokingly call her Louie The Lot Lizard and I found it so funny cause it would piss her off. Louie was also someone who seemed very nice and loving at first, but her true colors started to show when I was 6..and ironically at 6..nothing was the same when I hit 6. That’s when abuse started and I started slipping mentally not just at school, but around her and her entire family. She was also physically, verbally, and mentally abusive, and her family was very fucking much like her.
She would always tear me down, would tell me I was fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, and she truly made me feel like a nobody a lot, and I would always try to tell my dad, cause I just wanted my dad to be there, and they would argue a lot, and with every argument..it just got worse and worse, and people would tell him all the time to leave her, including me, and he wouldn’t. Her narcissistic qualities controlled him so very hard and he would try his hardest to make things work, but she just fucking hated him and only used him for how he made her feel, cause she felt he gave her worth, and when she felt she found something better, she fucking threw him to the wolves with no notice. She would always rob my dad of his money, thousands, upon thousands of dollars, and my dad would buy her this, that and the other because she wanted it and he just wanted her to be happy, and it would rob him of his deepest dreams, that he still chases to this day.
But my father..also struggled with alcohol problems, and while he is a truly loving man, and means the best of intent, sometimes he says and does the wrong things especially in the heat of the moment, and he would do that a lot especially when under the influence. There would be times where I would want to confide into him emotionally, and he would tell me to stop acting like a girl, and to man up, toughen up, but that just simply isn’t who I am, and it would make me feel like he just didn’t care about what I had to say, and while he’s gotten better with it, he still does it in very subtle ways, but I do see he’s trying to improve, you just gotta get through his hard headed tendencies. Yes I am a man, but I am a man in many unique ways, and me expressing my emotions and being open about them does not make me weak. I feel in extremes, I love passionately, I judge, I get insecure, I get scared, I get worried a lot, when my depression hits, it’s like the ocean is pulling me under and I’m trying desperately to get back to land, but sometimes I need a life raft or someone with a boat to help me out of the waters so I can return to the land safely, and that’s okay. Also..my dad is officially over 2 years clean of a demon that haunted him his entire life and that was his addiction to alcohol. He quit cold turkey on it, and I’ve been sure to let him know that it inspired me when I wanted to get clean of my alcohol addiction. Drinking socially is fine, but drowning demons only makes things worse in the long run.
Everyone besides Louie is doing better. They’ve all done shadow work on themselves, and they’re working every day to be the best versions of themselves (although Dick is still...a fucking dick at times), and while maybe they have dark qualities to them, and sometimes they’re just stuck in their ways on things, but I see that they try, and it inspires me to be better, too. I’m proud of them for how far they’ve come, and I hope they keep working hard to be the best versions of themselves.
Edit: As for Dick. He still has to prove himself to me. He's getting better, but I don't trust it yet.
Also, Louie, fuck you for one. For two, fuck your family. Y’all are fucking trash. And 3. You may I’m all of those things, and I’m ready to show your ass wrong. Stupid bitch.
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hi everyone
it’s been ages since I have updated you all on my life and what has been going on. for quite a while I really haven’t had much energy to do much of anything. I’ve played a few visual novels here and there to keep myself from going crazy (literally) but other than that. All I’ve really done is stay in my room and sleep, stare at my computer blankly and just go through the motions to get through each day.
I didn’t want to bring anyone down with my lousy mood so I didn’t bother blogging. With this blog prominently being about gaming I didn’t really have much to say at the time. At times I did, but I just didn’t know how when my feelings were all a jumbled mess.
but things are changing both around here and somewhere else as well.
a very, very extremely long post after this cut. but, I wanted to give a full update of where in the heck I’ve been
I recently received some news the shook my whole world. one of the major events in addition to the low self-esteem I already had from my childhood though my mid-twenties was the two year relationship I had with a narcissistic man who wrecked my self image even more in the brief period of time. (someone who always “encouraged” me to change my appearance and just about everything about myself with backhanded compliments) and was unbenounced to me cheating behind my back. I was a fiance one moment and within six months I had been replaced with someone he had gotten pregnant.
I should have been able to put this behind me since it happened back when I was 25 (i’m 42 now) but between the years he would either email or pop up randomly at my family’s business to “say hello and catch up on things) he was married with children by then and I of course wanted nothing to do with him.
I have always struggled with anxiety and depression before I met him, but being with him and then after ending things having to deal with not knowing if he was going to turn up or randomly email me once in a while was stressful and I felt horrible for his wife as well. I knew that if he was doing this on occasion that there HAD to be at least somebody else that was not turning him down and I felt sick.
The last time I heard from him was before my family sold our business. he and his wife were ending things. (shocker she finally had had enough) but he had this *brilliant* idea that I was going to apparently drop everything I was doing and be a live in nanny to the children that he didn’t want to have with me. yeah, he not only wanted to hurt his wife he suggested something that was a twisted knife in the gut for me as well. and he asked with such a calm carefree look on his face like he hadn’t said the most terrifying thing I had ever heard in my life.
I looked at him, opened my mouth to respond and this series of “no’s started pouring out of my mouth. “no, no no, oh, no. no, no, no, no” He looked at me in shock, and I was even kind of shocked. and i’m like,. “ uh, sorry, but I can’t do anything like that. do you understand that what we had was an abusive relationship? I am having problems standing next to you right now. you’re constant negative opinion and criticism of me still causes emotional scarring to this day. there is no way I can go back to that kind of situation again. “
well, since that day I’ve never heard from him again. he was moving to another state. my family and I had soon after that sold our business and moved within the same city, but out of town onto our own property. I had put my facebook on private so that only people on my friendslist could see my profile and with my agoraphobia acting up I don’t really leave my house all that much so running into him was not going to be an issue.
as some of you know and have played many games over those 4 years. I was working on a master’s degree when I first started this blog and FINISHED IT! woo hoo! for the first time in my life I finally started to get real professional help about my mental health and I was finally diagnosed with the conditions that I have always suffered from. I have now been on proper medication for two years now and I feel much better. (I’d rather be ON my medication when I go through a rough period like I have recently then what I struggled with most of my life)
but in the midst of all of this I was always worried about doing too much online because I was afraid of attracting attention from him. I was on here sharing my gaming experiances and my playthroughs with photos and it had crossed my mind a time or two that it would be fun to do it on youtube, but anytime I thought of it I’d be frightened out of it by the thought of my phone ringing again.
well, at the beginning of the month I received a very surprising email. It was from his wife who I noticed was still using his last name. She had told me that she was looking through some things and due to her own emotional response to whatever she found..she thought of me and wanted to know how I was doing.
so, I replied that I was very shaky because I never thought that I’d here from her or him ever again. and she said well you do know he’s no longer here it’s just me and the boys now.
and I was like, yeah. I knew you guys were not together anymore. and then she sent me the most shocking story I will probably ever receive in my life. the reason she left him is because apparently he had upped his abusiveness after me and it finally became physical. they had 3 kids together. she was not only worried for herself but her kids as well. when he beat her she finally left. the cheating was bad enough, but she endured that for the sake of the kids, but she put the safety of them ahead of everything when he turned violent. On top of that. he came to see me and I let him know that OUR relationship was also an abusive one as well because verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse. when I left that relationship behind I had always recollected that if he would have hit me I would have recognized it as abuse. I shiver at the thought of how lucky I was to get out of that, but I, just as I told her, in no way at all feel good about her having to suffer after me. and she was with him for much much longer. I recognized that with her as we communicated for a bit.
but there’s more. sadly, when he was confronted with the story’s back to back of how much he was an abusive asshole, he drank more alcohol than he probably ever had in his entire life at that point and shot himself.
There really were things about the guy that are admirable. I wouldn’t have dated him for two years if I didn’t see that and she wouldn’t have been married to him if she hadn’t seen it as well. we both said the same thing. what we mourned the most was that we both saw the same great potential he had because he was truly brilliant.
but the thing is, i’m not going to sit here and wax poetically over a guy that abused me (and his wife) and then practically stalked me (or at least made me feel that way) because I NEVER knew when he was going to contact me. especially because his wife sweetly asked me not to contact him.
the only time I did (and she was aware of it) is that I got the best part of our ended relationship. our dog. Max was such a great dog. When he finally passed away since Max was originally his dog I thought it was appropriate to let him know. My mom and I had sighed with relief at the time because as sad as we were we had thought that the last link between the two of us would be gone and he’d leave me alone.
I was in a mixed state of emotions for the first week that I heard the news. sadness, hurt, loss, pain, but over all of that was this overwhelming sense of relief. I will never be ok that he committed suicide. when I said I wanted him out of my life I never believed it would be this way. I’m crying again at the thought. so don’t misunderstand when I say I feel relief.
I always had this creeping feeling. like someone was always hovering over my shoulder. watching everything I type and If I became too visible with what I was doing I kept thinking...well... I’m trying to be open with the gaming community..but... on my about me page I’ve added my link to my origin, steam even my flight rising account. what am I going to do if he starts his shit again? and there is no way in hell I could do youtube no matter how much I think it would be fun and no matter how much think talking out loud would be good for my mental and emotional health.
yes, this is a long rambling post not only to update you on some horrible news, but to also let you all know that in the upcoming months I am indeed going to start what I had been wanting to do for many years now.
I sure hope your still here because this is the big news!
I’m going to have a youtube channel that’s called the same thing as my blog Verly’s Gaming Life. The idea for the channel is that it is partly about my obsession with video games and how that balances out my GAD (generalized Anxiety Disorder, Dysthymia, and Agoraphobia.
I’m only going to play games that I have completed and love. There is no way I can do a first reaction video (not good for my anxiety) I am also a completionist gamer because it is one of the only situations in my life that I can control. it’s really one of the reasons that I love gaming in general. I can finally control something in my life. This is also why I never get too deeply involved within the game. like I get attached to the story hardcore, but I never become the character. I also make sure to keep an emotional distance from romantic characters in games.
I feel that people online seem to get, like, seriously overly attached to fictional characters. (and I say this with Penny and Thane still headlining my blog) they headline my blog because I’ve yet to find a story, that has captivated my heart like those too. but even so, I know that Thane was not a real person. I knew when people were going crazy online about the ending and I had to step away from BSN leaving some of my close personal friends behind while they were having a very very difficult time. I felt so tremendously bad for them, but I emotionally couldn’t do that.
with my anxiety, depression, and agoraphobia, I just couldn’t be more than painfully sad that my favorite character had died in a video game and than I added that painfulness to my story of how Penny would handle that. I won’t get into it because It’s not my story to tell, but there was a real important reason I personally wanted Penny to go into a relationship with Thane with her eyes open understanding that he didn’t have long to live and accepting that from the moment they started their relationship. that they cherished each day as they came and she tried to live like a drell so they could stay in her memories. That’s the story I wanted.
This is what I mean. I guess, when someone has a life living with mental illness we see the world in a different way and I want to share that experience with others.
Two days a week (monday and tuesday probably) I’m going to be playing my favorite rpgs (you all know what those are. lol) I’m going to start with the Mass Effect Trilogy and yes, I’m going to be playing Penny’s story.
on thursday and friday (casual friday) I plan to play my favorite visual novels and casual games that I’ve discovered over the past couple years. I really hope you check those out as well. Some have some amazingly deep stories and some are just cute. some of these games are just as involving and long as the rpgs are with stat raising, romances, an amazing female protagonist, some have complete voice acting (except for the MC which will be voiced by me anyway) and others do not. I even played one that had a base for the character, but let the person change the skin, eye and hair color of her. I thought that was pretty cool.
but in the midst of all of this on windsay I plan to upload, I guess a personal/progress diary of my mental/emotional health. because video games really are a huge part of my life the games I play can sometimes trigger an emotional response out of me. it might even trigger a painful memory. I might mention it while i’m filming that particular game of course, but I’ll be alaborating my feelings and how i’m doing on my weekly updates.
This is also a chance for my family and friends that don’t really understand me, heck, some of them haven’t even seen me in a long time because I’m so closed off in my room at times. I’m hoping the channel by me having to face a camera (yep, i’ve decided if i’m going to do this I might as well go all the way) will help me confront some of the issues I know I have get better.
no, I don’t plan to “make it big” this is really about my mental health. I no longer have the reason I was avoiding it to hold me back anymore. as sad as that reason is.
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“I don’t care if he’s dead, that’s no excuse for rudeness!”
Meet Reginald Donovan a twenty-two year old man who was born on June 21, 1998. You can find him in West Side. He is the Owner of Dead Talks. He is known to be, Spontaneous, Adaptable and Creative, but even though he has good traits he is also known for his, Blunt, Narcissistic , and Immature behaviors.
WHAT’S SAID AROUND TOWN IS…
Born in Belfast, Ireland; Reggie was brought up by parents who were never around. You could say, in a way, that he was raised by nannies. Well, up until the age of 10, when his father abandoned them for his other family. After that, he spent life on the move. His mother jumped them out to Bristol, UK; then the States when she fell madly in love with a marine who absolutely hated Reggie. All his life, he was mostly neglected, if not by his father; then by his mother and her job, or her new husband. Little did he know, his own father, had organized a hit on his mother and her husband for having left Reggie behind to continue on in their new life. They died on impact, in what would later be called a fatal crash with a drunk driver. In doing so, they left his younger sisters, Penny and Prudence, orphans. They now live with his step-aunt, out in rural Indiana. His mother and step father, were the first dead people Reggie ever saw, that he actually recognized, besides a young neighborhood boy he’d grown up with who’d drowned after mistakenly falling into a well. Communicating with the dead, came naturally to him. The dead seemed to come more frequently the older he got and he had a harder time separating his personal life from it. They came at all hours, interfering with his life and relationships. The people who met him, mostly thought he was crazy and he had a hard time convincing people that he did in fact see the dead. .
After discovering that his father put a hit out on his mother, he decided it was time for another change. In that time period he fell deeper into drugs often crashing funerals because the dead became relentless at asking for him to deliver their messages. It became so noticeable that the police of New York knew him, by name as the crazed son of, Cormac Donovan. After going against a restraining order to deliver a message to a young woman about her dead fiancé he found himself arrested with the possibility of jail time or even possibly prison for breaking an entering. With his father’s help, he was forced instead to seek psychiatric help for the incident. His father hoped that in doing so, he’d actually receive treatment for what he feared could’ve been, schizophrenia; which was what his father’s mother suffered from, prior to killing herself. His father signed Reggie’s rights away and placed him into a psychiatric facility at the order of a judge. He spent months there. Time he’d never get back and eventually he managed to escape, empty out his bank accounts and flee the city as well as his father. He was meant to do two years, minimum; he barely finished a year.
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Film Analysis & Review: Joker 🃏
⚠️ N O T E : If you have not watched, please skip this post!
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Can we give ten minutes’ of applause to Joaquin Phoenix for his EXCEPTIONAL performance? 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Ok let’s begin.
I was kept at the edge of my seat every minute of the film. He had me at the first scene. I remembered thinking, “I felt that.” How many times have we (pretty sure I’m not the only one) done the same?
As females we slap on our lipsticks, as men we slap ourselves on the cheeks; telling ourselves to sober up. Wiping tears away, we smile at the mirror, our reflections betraying the very emotions we feel deep in our hearts, bury them deep down and walk off, facing the world once again.
The movie doesn’t specifically say which time period this takes place in, but an educated guess would be take us between the 70’s to 80’s. If we were to work backwards from the recent Batman movies set in current times, plus heavy mentioning of Thomas Wayne in this film and how young little Bruce was before tragedy struck, the above is not hard to arrive at. And if we were to work with this timeline, it would give insight on the movie’s context and the people of Gotham set in that era.
The 70’s and early 80’s were a difficult period for the general public due to recession. Stagflation (high unemployment and inflation) was rampant and economic disparity only grew more apparent: the rich only seemed to accumulate more wealth while the middle-classes and poor became poorer. Naturally, people on the streets are on edge, they are generally not empathetic or understanding, especially to those deemed ‘different’ from them. It was a “every man for himself” world. Things like mental illness and depression were definitely not spoken of, for fear of continued unemployment.
While us viewers were able to sympathise with Arthur Fleck (Phoenix’s movie character), the above could possibly highlight the reasons for their behaviour towards him. They were otherwise cold, took advantage of Arthur, bullying and beating him not because they couldn’t understand, but they didn’t care. They could only afford to care for themselves. I couldn’t possibly count the number of times my little heart broke whenever he got mistreated for pseudobulbar (inappropriate bouts of crying or laughing).
My childhood friend, whom I watched the movie with, pointed out that all along, Arthur’s mother Penny Fleck could support herself. She was a perfectly fine human being, but due to her narcissistic personality disorder, she relied on Arthur to care for her, from bathing to feeding, and even carrying her around the house. Arthur may not have known about this, yet due to his delusional disorder, he could possibly have imagined his mother sustaining something serious that she could not perform daily activities on her own.
A huge theme was also the blatant representation of depression. I strongly believe the only reason keeping Arthur alive until he learnt the truth, was Penny. We see from the film later on that his relationship with Zazie Beetz’ character Sophie Dumond was all in his head. It was also told to us that his stand-up stint at the pub was a horror show. Apart from his co-workers whom he didn’t see after getting fired and his mother, Fleck did not have any companion at all.
It was obvious he contemplated suicide, from the scene in the lift where he formed a gun with his fingers and ‘shoots’ the side of his head to him actually firing a gun in his house. His mother also said some really awful stuff to him with regards to Arthur wanting to be a comedian. “You don’t have enough funny in you.” Words seriously hurt, especially if it comes from a loved one. He did not have the support of his mother, even though she always told him he was her ‘happy’. Yet he may also have imagined her saying the above, no thanks to his condition.
His almost-complete lapse in social cues, no thanks to his traumatic childhood, also made it really hard to have friends. The scene of Fleck taking notes during a stand-up was blatant enough. He was laughing at all the wrong timings.
I read this before and I thought it really true: “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.” - C.S. Lewis. Arthur’s world crashed, literally, when he found out the truth about his mother and his birth.
The amount of cruelty and ridicule Arthur received from the public also made him the ‘Joker’ we now know him by. You may not agree with me, but I felt that he was the by-product of society. By killing and causing chaos, he relieves some of the pain caused to him throughout his entire life. He also “hits back” at society for all the times he was abused by its very system and people.
Something to note is that while Arthur has not met all of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs before moving up to self-actualisation. He could not meet his needs, many thanks to society, yet he manages to achieve transcendance, also through society. It basically hands it to him; from unconsciously becoming the face of the clown face movement that sparked riots in the movie, to being hailed as an icon of rampaging chaos throughout Gotham. This derives in him ‘purpose’ in life, to simply create chaos, and that his self-identity is void due to his unmet areas of Maslow’s hierarchy.
Comic book fans would not like this portrayal of Joker due to the difference in storytelling. Comicverse’s Joker fell into a tank of chemical waste and thus became who he is; his sense of humour was also described as sadistic, not depressing as portrayed in Todd Phillip’s take on Joker.
I also get why Joaquin’s character did not obtain a lot of fan conversions from its cinematic lovers as well. The Joker (RIP Heath Ledger 😭) of The Dark Knight (2008)/The Dark Knight Rises (2012) was a scheming, though equally ruthless jokester and this film is a complete deviation from Phillip’s treatment of the same character.
I highly respect Todd’s take however, from its storyline to the really great visuals; I loved every second of footage. Something I learnt and always enjoy exploring in film theory is the message behind the film. “Why was the film released in this specific time period? What is the director trying to portray by releasing this?” This movie came out only this year, a time where mental health awareness is heavily talked about, and also a time where economic recession is speculated to set in.
I think this movie is a great 101 for those who do not know much about mental illness and depression. It helps one to empathise with sufferers and hopefully ignites something in sufferers to not give up but seek help. It sends a message to the masses about mental health and in my opinion, this makes it a good movie. Releasing a film in our current times also makes it all the more relevant to who people can become in light of trying periods ahead.
A food for thought would be the metaphorical meaning of the film visuals. Another question I was taught to ask was, “Is there a reason why this film is shot this way, with bright colours/black and white?” I don’t know about you, but despite the film’s heavyness, its vibrant visuals and even Joker’s outfit bears a stark contrast. It led me to consider how in society, we put on a ‘happy’ front, to mask the fact that on the inside, we are a depressed, sad bunch. To distract from what’s actually real here.
All in all, I respect that every actor is also an artist, and everyone has their own interpretation of Joker. I liked all three cinematic portrayals, yes even Jared Leto’s, all for different reasons.
I really like this movie; it’s an 8/10 for me, except I just felt that IMDA’s (Singapore) classification of this film should have been M18 instead. It kinda is too heavy for a sixteen year-old.
But these are just my thoughts. Thank you for reading, if you even made it this far! 🤗
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43 with penny x agatha?
You chose: falling in love with theirbest friend’s partner au.
Partner…in crime, right? (I’m sorry, I just couldn’t do it!*blubbery sounds of shame*) Watch Penny and Agatha fall in lurve in…
Double Agent, Double Date
“You are absolutely not allowed to come with me,” Baz said,emerging from the walk-in closet. He holds up two ties. “Blue, or green?”
“Why not?” Agatha whined from her blanket burrito in Baz’sbed. She’d just returned from a week in San Diego, and still hadn’t readjustedto London weather.
Baz turned and fixed her with a steely eye. “Because Simon isa normal person, Wellbelove. Do you understand what that means? Do you?”
Agatha shrugged. “That he pays taxes?”
“That he doesn’t have the tools to handle a narcissisticgrifter with the conscience of an old hat and the hair of a Disney princess.”
“He won’t even notice that I’m there.” Agatha fluttered hereyelashes in a way that had convinced many a millionaire to part with hismillions.
Baz merely sighed. “You are not, under any circumstances, toaccompany me on my date.” He held up both ties again. “Blue, or green?”
“…blue,” Agatha said sulkily. “And the grey shirt.”
“Thank you.” Baz set down both ties and picked Agatha up,blanket burrito and all. Agatha shrieked, fighting to get an arm out, butcouldn’t free herself before Baz dumped her on the living room sofa. “I expectyou to put that duvet back where it came from,” he said, and strode back to hisroom.
“I’m going to rub jam into your pillow cases,” Agathamuttered.
“I heard that!”
Agatha managed to free her arm, and showed Baz’s living roomexactly what she thought of him.
~~~
“What if I mess this up?”
“You’re not going to mess it up.”
“But what if I do?”
“Simon, you won’t.”
“Oh god, this is going to be a disaster.”
Penny looked up from her report. “Why would it?”
Simon stared at her. “Are you kidding me?” He ticked off alist on his fingers. “I don’t know how to use the fancy forks. I’m going tostain this suit in five seconds flat. This suit makes me look like I’m havingmy bar mitzvah. And I’m going to make a dumb Fruedian slip, try to cover my attractionto our informant, and end up revealing the sting we’re planning to pull onNicodemus’s gang to the entire damn restaurant!”
Penny looked him up and down, then returned her gaze to thereport. “I think the suit looks good, actually.”
“Penny!”
Penny squeezed her eyes shut and pinched the bridge of hernose, pushing up her glasses in the process so that they magnified her eyebrowshugely. “It’ll be fine, Simon. You’re good at your job, you’re smart, and thatsuit can take worse than a few hollandaise stains.”
“But the forks!”
“Oh, nobody gives a damn about the forks,” Penny snapped.
Simon nodded mutely. He was pale where he was usually ruddy,and his hands clenched and unclenched at his sides. If he’d been wearing ahoodie, the drawstring would be a sodden mess.
“You start from the outermost fork and work your way in.”
“Yeah, okay.” Simon nodded. “I can do this.”
Penny chewed her lip, and gave up. Magee would have her headfor it, but Magee would never find out. Besides, he was the one who’d assigneda newbie like Simon to this case. Battlefield experience did not mean he wouldbe any good undercover, damn it.
“I’ll come with you, if you like,” she offered.
Simon brightened, then shook his head. “You can’t.”
“I’ll use the department connections to reserve a table andsit somewhere out of the way. I won’t interfere. I’ll just be emotionalsupport, okay?”
“But Magee-”
“Screw him,” Penny said, thoroughly enjoying Simon’s shockedexpression. “Now get out of here already, or you’ll be late for your debrief.”
“Yes sir, Agent Bunce, sir,” Simon said, saluting crisply.
“Scram, army boy,” Penny said, smacking him with the reportin her hand. “I have to get ready too, you know, and I have work to do.”
~~~
Agatha perused the menu. It had been a while since she’dlast come to The Club, and she’d forgotten how pretentious the place was. Atleast it had been easy to get a table at the last minute. The name ‘Wellbelove’still opened a few doors, even tarnished as it was. As she’d made it. Whatever.
Finally deciding on the kimchi risotto and Gigha halibut,she tried to catch the waiter’s eye. When even a discreet wave didn’t work (alady never called attention to herself, and she was being a lady), Agatha grewbored. Instead of looking to her phone for amusement (because she was beingrefined), she opted for people watching.
The couple two tables over were clearly bored with eachother, and the man was at least thinking of cheating on his wife, if the way heogled the bartender was any indication. The old ladies sitting to her left werebeing extremely snooty about someone’s fashion choices, even though one of themhad blue hair and the other had her eyebrows drawn in so high that she lookedpermanently shocked.
Agatha glanced at Baz’s table. He and Simon had their headsclose together, and their body language clearly broadcasted sexual tension. Nowshe regretted the cookie crumbs she’d stuffed into Baz’s duvet. Of course,Agatha herself didn’t see the point of it, but Baz looked like he wanted toshag his date right slap in the middle of the restaurant. He would definitelybe taking Simon home.
Turning away from that amusing scene, Agatha looked aroundidly. The businessman by the potted plant was very grumpy for someone who waseating his way through an £18 eel soufflé. The pretty woman sitting at the barwas-
-was looking straight at Baz’s table, and was almostdefinitely a fed.
Agatha squared her jaw, all thoughts of dinner vanished. Shelet her gaze drift away naturally and took stock of the situation from thecorner of her eye. The woman’s dress was well tailored, but dull enough to beoffice garb, and quite unflattering. Her shoes were nice, though. Sensibleflats, which would make running easier. Her purse would definitely fit a gun,but it wouldn’t need to- Agatha would have bet the Hope Diamond that she waswearing a thigh holster.
So, there was a federal agent stalking Baz’s romantic date.A date he really, really wanted to go well. And he would be really, reallyannoyed if she interrupted him right now. His little heart might break, andAgatha couldn’t allow that.
There really was only one option. Agatha got up from hertable and crossed the restaurant to sit down right next to Ms. MI5.
“Hi,” Agatha said, smiling the smile that had convinced aduke to allow her access to the family vault. “Mind if I join you?”
“Actually, I’d rather be alone.”
“Oh, no one wants to be alone.” Agatha leaned in. “Look, I’mreally sorry about this, but that bloke over there is my ex, and he’s not anice person. I’d really appreciate it if I could sit with you. That way hewon’t bother me.”
The fed looked in the direction Agatha had pointed in, whereEel Soufflé Man was stabbing his meal with undue vigor.
“I suppose I can’t leave a damsel in distress.”
“Thank you,” Agatha said. “Oh, how rude of me. Meredith.Meredith Reed.” One of the credit cards in Agatha’s purse was under aMeredith Reed’s name.
“Penelope Bunce.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Penelope. Would you mind if I orderdinner? I’m starving.”
“Go right ahead.” Penelope flagged down the waiter with anod that charmed Agatha right down to her toes. “Excuse me? She’d like toorder, please.”
“Yes, madam,” said the waiter. “Would madam like a menu?”
Agatha considered her previous choices, and the effectsthose foods would have on her breath. “Yes, thank you.”
“Very good, madam.” The waiter shuffled away, and Agathaturned back to Penelope.
“How did you do that so quickly? I never manage to catchtheir attention.”
Penelope raised her eyebrows. “You just have to beassertive. Besides, I don’t believe that you have trouble catching anyone’sattention.”
“Well, it’s not usually a problem,” Agatha admitted, tossingher head.
Penelope laughed. “I like that you’re direct.”
Agatha shrugged elegantly. “Why be coy? I know I’mbeautiful, just like you know that you are.”
“Oh, I’m not…” Penelope made a valiant effort at blushing,and was saved by the arrival of the waiter with the menu.
~~~
Baz really, really wanted this meeting to go well. He wantedout of the Coven, and he wanted Nicodemus and his lieutenants off the streets.But most of all, he wanted Simon to succeed on this case, kiss him on anadrenaline high, and fuck him hard against a wall before never looking him inthe eye ever again.
Well, actually, he’d like a lot more domesticity and romanticcandlelight than that, but he’d take what he could get. Men like Simon Snowjust didn’t date men like Tyrannus Basilton Pitch the Third.
At first, the meeting had gone great, but Simon was growingmore and more restless. He kept looking towards the bar, and tapping hisfingers, and answering Baz’s questions with grunts.
Okay, the grunts were oddly attractive, but still.
“Is something wrong?” Baz asked.
Simon started. “Uh, no?”
“You look so guilty right now, I can’t even begin todescribe it,” Baz said. “Pull it together, Snow. Be a professional.”
“I am being a professional,” Simon said. “Look, uh, I haveto tell you something.”
I need you, right now, said Simon in Baz’s head.
“I asked my partner to come with me to this meeting becauseI was afraid I was going to screw this up,” Simon said in a rush.
Baz raised one manicured eyebrow. “Really?”
“I used the cake fork for the scallops,” Simon pointed out.
“Fair enough.”
“But she’s distracted, and she hasn’t looked at this tablein twenty minutes, and honestly I think the woman she’s talking to is one ofyour, uh, coworkers?”
“Where?” Baz demanded.
~~~
“And then he threw it straight out the window!” Penelopesaid, taking a sip of her wine.
Agatha was laughing so hard that she had to gasp for breath.“He didn’t.”
“He did! I looked for it afterwards in the bushes, and Ijust gave up, there were so many lying around on the ground.”
“Ugh,” Agatha said. “I’m glad I’ve never had that particularexperience.”
“You’d probably have more finesse than I did,” Penelopesaid.
“Well, as I’m asexual, I really think I wouldn’t.”
“You identify as ace?”
“That was… not the question I was expecting,” Agatha said,prompting a giggle from Penelope. “More along the lines of, ‘so you’re a plant?’”
“Well, I’d like to think I’m a little better informed than that,seeing as I identify as queer myself.”
“Still, you’d be surprised how many people-”
“Ahem,” said Baz, right beside her elbow.
Agatha whirled. “Oh, Basil! What a pleasant surprise!”
“Is it? Because I distinctly remember asking you not tostalk me on my date.”
Agatha waved a hand dismissively. “Potato, potahto.”
“That is the opposite of potato potahto!”
“Look,” Agatha said. “Maybe it is. Maybe I did the exactopposite of what you asked me to do. But I did it out of friendship. I wantedto make sure you didn’t screw this up!”
“Thank you for that vote of confidence,” Baz said drily.
“I,” Agatha said, with one hand over her heart, “am here outof the goodness of my heart. Because I care for you. Besides, you were so worried,I had to be here. For backup.”
Baz glowered at her.
The man behind Baz- undoubtedly Simon- put a hand on hisshoulder, and Baz relaxed a little.
“Come on, Baz,” he said. “She’s just trying to do what Pennywas doing for me.”
“You brought a friend too?” Agatha asked.
“I didn’t bring you!”
“Where is she? I would love to meet her,” Agatha said,ignoring Baz.
“Um, she just came to, um, make sure that my date wasn’t aserial killer. And left,” Simon said.
He was a terrible liar. “You know, you can’t tell if someone’sa serial killer just from looking at them,” Agatha said, her mind coming to afew conclusions. “And Agent Bunce here, if that even is her real name, wouldknow that.”
“It is, actually,” Penelope said. “Although I’m guessingyours isn’t Meredith Reed?”
“And that man wasn’t my ex,” Agatha agreed. “I’d like toknow what’s going on. Now.”
“I suppose,” Penelope said. “Simon?”
“I say we play this off as a chance meeting of friends andleave before we draw an audience,” Simon said.
“Agreed,” Penelope said. “Now, you boys pay, and we’ll pay,and then we’ll all leave and go somewhere else.”
“I choose the location,” Agatha said quickly. “I don’t trustyou.”
But, Agatha found, as Penelope nodded and called for thebill, she still liked her.
~~~
“So, you’re giving MI5 insider information on the Coven tobring down Nico?” Agatha crossed her arms, looking at the little circle offaces standing in the most neutrally located parking lot she could think of. “Anddating the agent you’re working with?”
“I’m not dating Simon,” Baz said.
“Oh, darling. You can’t con me.” Agatha frowned. “Well, noton this. I know your body language. Even if you’re not dating, you definitelywant to.”
“So the narc part doesn’t bother you?” Baz asked dubiously. “Justthe part about my love life?”
Agatha rolled her eyes. “Of course not. I’d be delighted totake down Nico and his bloodsuckers. And honestly, you need my help, becausethat boy of yours is a disaster.”
Simon shrugged, looking vaguely embarrassed. “Sorry.”
“Not so fast,” Penelope said. “How do we know that we cantrust you?”
“Agatha’s trustworthy,” Baz said. “As long as there are norich men with expensive tastes around, that is.”
“Or women.”
“Or women,” Baz added.
Penelope sighed and pinched her nose. “God, Magee will havemy head.”
“No he won’t,” Simon said. “I’ll back you up on this.”
“He does love you like the son he never had,” Penelopeadmitted. “Okay, Agatha. Baz will tell you how and when to contact us.”
“Or,” Agatha said, “Baz could take Simon home and you couldgive me your number.”
“Or I’ll just give you a burner phone,” Penelope countered.
“When would you give me the phone?” Agatha twirled a lock ofhair around her finger. “I’m guessing you don’t have one on you, and I’m notgiving you my address.”
“Tomorrow, ten in the morning, Notes at King’s Cross,”Penelope said. “…Wait.”
“It’s a date,” Agatha said, getting into her car beforePenelope could change her mind.
“It is not a date!” Penelope called after her. “It’s againstdepartment policy to date criminals!”
“Really?” Baz asked Simon.
“Nah.”
~~~
It was a date.
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Why You Can’t Stop Sleeping With The Narcissist
You may be shocked at how you keep chasing after the narcissist even when he or she is treating you so badly.
The verbal and emotional abuse could be escalating and there may even be threats or realities of other lovers.
You know that you should pull away and stop going back in for more, but you just can’t seem to stop yourself.
In today’s video, we look at exactly why this is happening to you. As well as how to heal from this and be released from this terrible nightmare that is ripping you to pieces.
Video Transcript
Sexual attraction and addiction are very powerful things. A narcissist knows how to trigger that within you.
It can be very hard to understand why you may be feeling the compulsion to keep having sex with a narcissist, even though he or she is treating you horribly.
How can relationships be so compelling horizontally, yet so painful vertically?
This is exactly what we are exploring in today’s TTV episode.
But before we get started, I’d just like to thank all of you for supporting the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel, and raising awareness that yes, we can now heal from narcissistic abuse for real.
Okay, now let’s get going on today’s episode.
What is Sexual Obsession?
Sexual obsession is fraught with anxiety. The easiest way to think about this is that the urges are similar to those of any addiction.
The feelings of going without the connection with this person and sex with them, may bring up feelings of loss, emptiness, anxiety and even panic.
All of these feelings are letting us know that we have emotionally entered Wrong Town, meaning that this experience is not a True Self one. Our soul communicates very effectively to us via our feelings, regarding what is healthy or not.
Healthy union brings calm, solid and serene feelings of warmth and love. These are not the emotionally charged highs and lows that come with sexual relations with a narcissist.
One minute you are feeling the hope of being worthy and adored. The next you’re feeling anxious, insecure and abandoned.
I really want you to understand that connection and sexual activity with a narcissist, if intensely compelling, is an addiction cycle. As with all addictions, this comes with the high of the emptiness and the craving being fulfilled. It’s otherwise known as “relief”.
This is akin to a person who is nicotine addicted, craving a cigarette, and then as soon as they draw in the first mouthful of smoke, there is the self-medication of escaping the anxious feelings of not having nicotine.
Yet, truly, as myself and so many other people who were able to give up smoking with NARP processes discovered, there was something much deeper going on emotionally than just nicotine addiction.
Smoking was really an act of trying to fill up and numb out an emotional trauma that wasn’t yet healed.
And it doesn’t work. If we don’t get to the bottom of why we are emotionally craving something that is not good for us, temporary fleeting relief happens when we connect to it, yet the anxiety is never truly fulfilled and healed.
It is always going to keep coming back, much worse than ever.
Sex with a narcissist is the same.
The Narcissist – The Representative of the Unhealed Wound
All addictions have this incredibly insidious cycle, they feel like they are granting us relief, yet they are bringing us more of the same of what we actually need the relief from.
How do you know if you are stuck in this cycle? You know when you are feeling dire emptiness and anxieties when you are going without sex with this person.
Jeannie craved Gary and his touch and lovemaking. If Gary hadn’t contacted her for a few days, professing that he was out of town, Jeannie could barely function.
She believed that this must be proof of her intense feelings of love for him.
It wasn’t until she found out that he had been having affairs all along and then confronted him, that she discovered it was as if she never existed for him.
After feeling beyond broken, Jeannie decided to give NARP healing a go.
In her new healed up Thriver life Jeannie is now with Mark enjoying safe, comfortable and healthy sex. There is zero anxiety when she is not with him.
As Jeannie said, “Until I healed I had no idea what healthy sex was!”
In Jeannie’s previous life, as it was for me and so many of us, we were connected emotionally and sexually to the people who completely and utterly represented our unhealed inner trauma programming.
Let me explain.
Let’s say that you were brought up in a family with a parent who was unavailable to love you. They were too busy and stuck in their own stuff and ignored you.
As a young child you desired connection with them. You may have tried all sorts of things to be noticed, held and loved, to little or no avail.
Your Inner Love Code, since you were a young child consisted of, “the people I love ignore me.” This then becomes, “I am not valuable or worthy of love.” This then means that you will unconsciously try to prove yourself and earn love regardless of how people love you back.
As your now programmed Love Code, this represents the people who are attractive to you. The people who you feel the most chemically bonded to fulfil the prophecy of that belief.
It’s your Love Code. It’s your literal Inner Identity in regard to love.
Sex as an adult represents that unmet and unhealed need for connection as a child. The younger part of you seeking resurrection and healing is hooked on wanting the original role models to do it better this time, and choosing the same unavailable people and program over and over again.
When the Sex Feels so Good
Maybe the sex isn’t that great, however you feel like this is the best sex of your life.
The more chemically charged it is, and trauma bonded, the more heightened the sexual experience can be.
Again think “relief”. The union of sex takes away the agony of separation from it, which really means the separation from being loved and feeling worthy.
Sexual connection with a narcissist is such a powerful bond, that can be incredibly confusing and painful.
It usually ends in disaster, because the cycles of devaluing and discarding inevitably get worse. To add horror to injury, often the narcissist will throw other sexual partners into the mix, leaving you feeling even more devastatingly replaced and abandoned.
Why is all of this happening? To awaken you to understand what is really going on, and why you can’t stop getting into bed with a narcissist, even when it means selling your soul out and compromising your dignity.
Penny had the horrific experience of throwing herself sexually at her narcissistic ex-lover, to try to avoid being replaced and abandoned.
Never before had she lowered her values and standards so much as to offer herself sexually on a plate to him no matter how badly he treated her.
Things got so bad for Penny that she really thought that if she didn’t stop doing this to herself that she would die – that is how serious it was.
(Please know Penny is not alone, you may know exactly what I’m talking about.)
Penny was urged by other members of this community to start doing the NARP work to get to the bottom of why she had lost all her honour, dignity and rights and was behaving in this way.
Thank goodness Penny stopped pursuing him and turned inwards to start her healing. It saved her life.
What she discovered was the young hurt parts of herself that had experienced her father emotionally abandoning her mother, herself and her siblings, and her mother’s pain, devastation and emotional absence as a result.
Penny had literal inner emotional terrors about being abandoned, which had never been healed. Unconsciously the lure of herself sexually was her tool to try to ensure this wouldn’t happen again.
Penny got to the inner work and down to the business of doing NARP Module One over and over again to clear out all of that old trauma.
She experienced profound relief. She stopped thinking about her ex-lover and all urges dissolved away. Because she had resurrected her Inner Being to be a mature healthy woman, instead of a traumatised little girl, Penny felt repulsed by the thought of contacting him again.
The spell was broken.
I really urge you, if you are suffering from sexual compulsion with a narcissist, to feel into your life in the past.
Does this person invalidate you and abuse you in ways that are familiar to you? Is this person distrusting of you in ways that remind you of how you were distrusted, and your boundaries were violated in the past?
Do you again feel like you’re having to prove your worth and value in order to be loved?
If you don’t know what exactly it is that you need to heal, please rest assured that if you do become a NARP member, that NARP bypasses your logical mind and takes you deeply inside yourself to find, release and reprogram the exact trauma that you need to heal.
You don’t have to work it out!
Your Sexual True Self and True Life
I have no doubt that great sex, otherwise known as ‘making love’, is the highest expression of Heaven on Earth. This is when two people can melt into each other in total surrender, becoming an explosion of joy and bliss infinite times greater than the individual parts of themselves.
There is an opportunity – within orgasmic conjoining – to know the true meaning of ‘Oneness’.
This Oneness is true “in-to-me-see”, the ability to completely be ourselves and “naked” with another.
This takes inner healing and development. It requires the willingness to face our unhealed previous business and heal it.
Maybe we have been trying to get love and connection in all the wrong ways.
Maybe we are trying to be the “incredible lover” so we can keep this person from really knowing our fears, our inadequacies, and the parts of ourselves we feel they will reject if they did find them out.
I know that this is really confronting stuff. I also know the glory of breaking through from all of the illusions and obsessions regarding narcissistic love, to get to the other side.
Namely, real, calm, loving and supported lovemaking with somebody who you can be truly naked with.
As well as a durably sustainable relationship with somebody who you can trust and build a life with.
The narcissist is never going to be this person.
If you are ready to embrace the healing and development necessary to get to this level then I’d love to help you.
You can start this journey today by clicking this link.
And please know, with what’s going on in the world right now, with coronavirus, with all of my programs and healing, you don’t need to leave your house.
You don’t need to go to any physical groups and you don’t need to travel to therapists.
You can do profound and revolutionary healing in the comfort and safety of your own home. And you are also connected to an incredible Thriver Healing global support network that has your back at any time when you need help.
Okay, so I hope that this episode has really helped you, and I can’t wait to answer your comments and your questions below.
Read More –>
The post Why You Can’t Stop Sleeping With The Narcissist appeared first on Family Court Corruption.
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