Yipee Kayak Other Buckets
Part of my Christmas fic from last winter. Posted on Ao3 here.
Series: Brooklyn-99
Ship: Peraltiago
Characters: Jake Peralta, Amy Santiago, Mac
Amy walked into the living room, asking proudly, “Who wants the Christmas cookies I made? Well, Mom made them and I helped, but it still … Jake, what the hell?”
Her husband was holding his phone out, their two-year-old giggling as he poked his head out of the vent he was in for some reason, his father taking pictures with his cell phone. At the sound of her voice, he turned around and grinned, pointing at their son. “Hey, babe, I figured out an epic Christmas card!”
“Get our son out of the vent, Jake!”
“Come on, he loves it.”
Mac helpfully laughed again, then said “Party, pal,” and banged his fists on the vent.
“And next year he’ll be too big to do this,” Jake pointed out.
“No,” Amy insisted, lifting their son down from the vent. She bounced him on her hip, glaring at her husband. “Isn’t it bad enough you got us banned from the winter festival after the incident at the axe throwing station?”
“Hey, I said the Charles version!”
“No, you said ‘other buckets’ twice, and then ‘mother fuckers’ the last four times, and the kids started cheering it.”
“Oh. Right. That was bad”
She sighed, annoyed but understanding. Being a full time dad was making Jake a little stir crazy. He’d been so calm about leaving the force, had been taking such great care of Mac, that she could ride out some Die Hard antics. Especially since her first couple weeks at her new job had pushed her to stress level two, and she had wandered the apartment singing You’re a Grand Old Flag over and over while braiding her hair. Jake had taken a video; it was like watching a found footage horror movie.
So she said firmly, “You are not putting our son in a vent ever again, and we are not sending those pictures to our parents.” She shifted Mac to the other hip and held out her hand for the phone. “But we can send them to the nine-nine group chat. Are they cool?”
“They are so cool,” Jake gushed, rushing to show her.
A few minutes later, they’d picked out a pic, edited it to have Mac saying “Yippee kayak, mother buckets,” and sent it to their friends. Amy had to admit, it was a little epic.
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Get to know me (and you)
Thank you @bazzybelle for the tag❤️
1. 3 Ships I really like right now: oh I am absolutely obsessed with Dreamling, PipRavi and Peraltiago.
Dreamling just has me on a chokehold and I just cannot stop writing about them. PipRavi have my whole heart and I cannot wait for the BBC'c adaptation of agggtm! Honestly need a Ravi in my life who would actually help me clean the crime scene and put the blame on a r*pist.
Peraltiago might actually have just set a really high standard of cis relationships for me. I hope they are having fun at Halloween heist this year too.
2. First ever ship: Sherlock/Molly and no I won't elaborate the Sherlolly and Johnlock ship wars which I witnessed on wattpad of all places.
3. Last Song: Sweet Nothing - Taylor Swift
This song is just so so so soothing and so emotional. Like to be so comfortable with a person that they become your safe space and you can just go back to them at the end of the day. This kind of love🥲
4. Last Movie: Jaane Jaan. It's a nice movie, absolutely loved Kareena's comeback.
5. Currently Reading: My course books.
6. Currently watching: My phone screen. Someone needs to take away my phone.
7. Currently eating: nothing lol, but I have to get breakfast.
8. Currently craving: any kind of food.
Again almost all my mutuals are already tagged in other posts lol so whoever sees this on their tl, please feel free to do this challenge!!
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Of course, definitely willing to wait! I just had this idea and you're one of the best smut writers lol. I'm not sure if someone has done this already, correct me if I'm wrong. Prompt: -Dating stage- Amy goes away for a few days, leading to desperate phone sex.
(this is way later than intended, but ... sexy phone time ahead!) 😉
(nsfw!) (ao3 😇)
hooked on you
“Ohh, mama … tell me more, babe.”
From his position lying in the bed he shares with the love of his life, Jake grins into the otherwise empty room, the hand holding a phone to his ear tightening it’s grip as the sound of Amy’s husky voice filters down the line. It’s the same voice that never fails to turn him on - though when it comes to Amy, that really isn’t specific to her voice - and if she had been anywhere other than a hundred miles away for an overnight conference, there’s no doubt that he’d be reaching out to touch her impossibly soft body right now.
But tonight, the woman he hopes to one day call his wife is in East Hampton, and today had been
a long day that felt all the worse for not having her smiling at a desk across from his. So when she’d sent him a text earlier this evening, hinting at the potential for phone sex, Jake had been quick to turn off the movie and head towards their bedroom, because a) it’s Amy, and b) happy hopeful future wife means happy hopeful future life.
In the past five weeks since his exoneration, both he and Amy had fought hard to keep their bubble untouched by the outside world, favouring nights and weekends in bed over all else. (Even if he’d only ended up in jail for eight weeks, the fear of fifteen years had been very real, and each prolonged snuggle felt like a step closer to making up for lost time.) But when Amy had been invited to join other ambitious officers at a three-day conference, both of them knew that the opportunity was too good to pass up - except for the fact that now, they were both far too far away from each other, and itching to close the gap in any way they could.
Including a handy (and newly discovered) version of sexy talk, called Jake describes books he’s reading to a horny Amy.
(It holds a 98% success rate.)
(Ninja Turtle comics, he was quick to discover, are not on the Acceptable Books list.)
“It’s called Good Omens, and it’s written by two different authors, Ames. It’s a … collaboration.”
“Mmm. You’ve been reading so much, Jake.”
Grinning, Jake nods with pride. “Three Philip Roths and the whole D.C Parlov series, babe.”
“Mmm.” There’s a rustle of something on the other side of the line, and as he closes his eyes Jake imagines his girlfriend settling in to her hotel bed, the academy shirt that she ‘borrowed’ from him over two years ago just barely covering her bottom half. It was a tantalising image, even if unconfirmed, and he stretches his left hand down to nurse the erection that was beginning to build beneath his boxers.
“Now tell me about your day, hun. You went to a seminar?”
“Oh god yes,” Amy sighs again, and the version of her in his mind tents her legs, one after the other, as her underwear slinks away. “I met the leading specialist in dactyloscopy, and he called my notes from a case last year ..” she lets out another sigh, this one filled with satisfaction. “Exemplary.”
“Does that make you feel good, Ames?”
Amy responds with a muffled moan into the receiver, and Jake feels his cock expand underneath his palm. His throat starts to feel dry, the quickening of his heart never going away no matter how many times they’ve done this, and he licks his lips before asking - “Are you touching yourself, babe?”
“Mmm hmm.”
He pushes the edge of his boxers down, relishing in the sweet relief of pressure that comes with letting his erection spring free, and listens to his girlfriend sigh through the phone line as his fingers grip around the base. “Tell me what you’re thinking about.”
The bedspread muffles Amy’s response for a second, and when she comes back her voice is so breathy, it hurts. “You.” Jake’s eyes flicker over to the top drawer of their dresser, where the ring he bought for her finger remains hidden inside a pair of old socks, and oh how he wishes he could just marry her tomorrow.
“Did you miss me today, babe?”
“We talked about the - ” pausing for a moment, Amy takes a heavy swallow, and Jake’s grip around his dick tightens. “The importance of observation. And it made me think about that case you solved last week, just from reading over the victim’s diary. I love your observant mind, Jake. Love you.” She lets out another sigh, one that Jake recognises as completely turned on Amy, and his wrist begins to slide up and down. If she keeps going like this, there’s no way he’s going to last long. “I miss you every day you’re not around.”
Eight weeks behind cold metal and too-far-apart visits nudge into the back of his mind. “God, I wish you were here next to me.”
“Mmm. Me too, babe.”
Pushing his head further into the pillow underneath, Jake’s teeth sink into his lower lip as memories of a naked Amy take over his senses. “Ames?”
“Hmm?”
“What is your hand doing right now?”
Her smile, he knows, has turned into the slow and sexy upward curve of her lips that made him an absolute goner the very first time she unleashed it. “What do you want it to be doing?”
Jake’s eyes squeeze tight, the rotating grip of his left hand around his cock increasing as he tries to vocalise everything he wishes he were doing. “If I was there, Ames? My hands would be all over your body. Kissing every inch of those beautiful curves. Leaving marks in places only you and I will ever know about. Touching you. Tasting you. Diving into you, so deep I don’t ever want to come back.”
“Ahh! Jake …”
“But I’m not there. Even though I want to be, more than you know.” He lets out a soft moan, imagining the hand wrapped around his cock is Amy’s as it speeds up. “So I want you to touch yourself, the way I would.”
“Yesss.”
“Are you wet for me, babe?”
“Only for you.”
The obvious arousal in Amy’s voice makes Jake’s dick twitch, and he lets out another sigh. “Wish you knew how hard I am for you right now.”
“Mmm. Wish you were inside me, Jake.”
“I’m there with you, Ames. Imagine it. Your fingers are mine.” Gasping softly into her phone, Amy mumbles a version of his name, and Jake has to let go of his cock before he comes all over the bedspread. Ladies first. “My tongue is on your clit, and my fingers are deep inside. You feel so warm around me, so perfect. So amazing.”
The soft hum of Amy’s vibrator cuts into the background, and Jake realises with a grin that she’d been using her headphones all along; ever the most-prepared. Her moans gather momentum as the vibrations grow muffled, phone long abandoned on the mattress beside her; and in that moment there’s nothing that Jake wouldn’t give to be able to teleport himself right into her hotel room, just to watch his crazily sexy girlfriend fall apart the way he knows she’s about to.
“Jake.” Her voice is throaty, the shuddering breaths of a woman pushing closer to climax barreling down the phone line, and Jake’s grip around his cock returns. “You feel so good, babe. I want you here.”
“Soon, Ames.” With the steady pumping action of his hand, Jake’s not entirely sure how he’s still managing coherent speech, but the sound of Amy’s moans spur him on. “Soon, you’ll be home, and then you and I are going to fuck each other so hard that neither of us will be able to think straight for a week.” A familiar tightening of his abdomen begins to creep in, and Jake knows he’s not far away. “But for now, I want you to think about my tongue on your skin. My fingers digging into your gorgeous butt. My thumb on your clit, rubbing those circles that drive you mad.”
The sound of Amy’s responding orgasm is muffled - he’d bet good money that her teeth are sinking into a pillow right now - but just enough to make Jake’s wrist move faster, and by the grace of all that is good he manages to have the presence of mind to lean forwards; snatching a couple of tissues from the holder on Amy’s bedside table before letting it all go with a heavy moan of her name.
It takes a solid minute or two of shattered breathing on either side of the line before Jake can even try to speak, the distorted galaxy of stars behind his eyes dissipating as the high from his climax slowly fades. “My god, Ames. How you can make me come that hard without even being in the room … you really are the sexiest woman I could ever know.”
Amy’s chuckle is soft, her gratification obvious in her tone as she replies, and he imagines her unfurling her naked limbs underneath the hotel room sheets. “Just warming you up for our reunion in a day or two, boyfriend.”
“I’m counting down the hours, babe.”
His smile grows soft as he turns to look at the calendar on their dresser, noticing that Halloween is only one week away as their discussion turns to their days tomorrow; both so comfortable within each other’s presence that post-orgasm conversation really can be about anything.
He runs over the Heist Engagement plan in the back of his mind as she wishes him goodnight, the lingering satisfaction in her voice enough to give him another semi, wrapping his palm loosely around as he relives the moment over and over again.
And later in the evening as Jake turns out the light, he sends out a note of gratitude for whatever lucky dice he managed to throw that led to someone as incredible as Amy Santiago falling in love with somebody like him.
And if he’s even luckier, she’ll say yes on October 31st.
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