#perhaps oversharing and maybe freaking someone out

[sarah-sandwich]

oh okay now i’m curious about deadpool

hi Sarah!!🌸 that one repost made me wondering, maybe you can share few fics of that specific deadpool that you love the most? because boy that story is so true!😫 i spent some time looking for those fics and maybe got discouraged a little too soon because of how many of kinda typical ones i got to go through? there’s nothing wrong with them of course, it’s just… not my thing? and it makes finding my thing hella hard?:D

curious to see more of your perspective on him! maybe you even have some fav fanart or fanvid? i’d be happy to hear (and see:D) it all! lots of love, your anon🌷

Hello dear darling anon! Sorry this took so long to get to! I started going through my spideypool bookmarks and uhh then I started re-reading the fics lol my bad I have no excuse now. I wrote the majority of this a week ago and then saved it to my drafts and... well here we are. You deserve better 😔

If you want to know my take on deadpool then I'm obligated to rec my own fic first Paradise (spread out with a butter knife) which perhaps if you're here you've already read, but it's the closest representation I have of the deadpool that lives in my head. Granted this was my first time writing him and it's fairly Peter-centric but I still like him. On the tin it's a soulmate au but it's actually about forgiveness and love (all the kinds of love).

Wade is my funny little guy with self-esteem issues like woah hidden under a thick layer of humorous deflection, weaponized annoyance, and of course a sense of self-aggrandization that fluctuates wildly between ironic and completely utterly serious. He's smart and he's observant and he's disabled. He's sensitive about his psychosis even though he flaunts it around and acts like he's not. For the most part, he couldn't care less what people say about it. He made fun of it first, he played up the crazy act first, he made them uncomfortable first so it doesn't hurt. But if someone he cares about, someone he trusts and looks up to makes light of it or condemns him for it then that cuts deep.

His whole thing is about look at the mouth not the hands. He motor-mouths and overshares. He's loud and abrasive. He acts stupid and careless and it's all to get you to judge him based on what he displays without ever looking any deeper. Some of it is genuinely his personality but a lot of it he hams up to keep anyone from getting too close. He's intensely private but you'd never know it at first glance and that's how he likes it... usually. He comes at everything sideways. He speaks his own language in grand gestures and backwards truths and he doesn't expect anyone to understand what he's trying to say and part of him doesn't want anyone to understand so he's shocked stupid whenever someone does and then has to retreat and take time to process (usually this is accomplished by distracting himself until he doesn't feel so freaked out. He doesn't like... actually reflect hah)

He's a domestic housewife at heart. He likes fighting. He's good at it and it makes money and it's an outlet for all the negative crap crowding his head and it's a chance to get out and meet people even if it's the worst possible way to go about meeting people (he's a social little butterfly) but he also wants someone to come home to and to dote on even though he doesn't think that's in the stars for him. Having someone like that means being vulnerable. It means actually communicating what he's feeling and showing his forever damaged skin and trusting them not to run away screaming. He knows he's flawed both inside and out and he doesn't expect anyone to see those flaws and love him anyway. Besides, what if they do and he pours his whole heart and soul into someone only for them to die and leave him on his own again?

Anyway that's my silly little guy. Here are some recs!

For art, story, and characterization I cannot recommend @ask-spiderpool enough! Click here to start at the beginning when Wade and Peter are newly roomied, newly divorced (Wade), and newly de-Gwened :( (Peter). There's a whole civil war arc that’s way better than the half-assed attempt the mcu made and less, uh, overwhelming than the comics civil war. It’s not all war! They go to the bahamas, they make tons of jokes and japes, they play with action figures--it’s the whole kit and caboodle! There are some crossovers between different ask blogs where their characters make appearances on ask-spiderpool and Wade and Peter guest star on the corresponding ask blog. It's really cool. But the coolest thing is how Peter and Wade go through so much character development it's so so so so satisfying. (pro tip: the arrows to get to the next page are in the left menu pane next to the logo)

Fic Recs!

I was going to list a bunch out but now I realize nearly all of my spideypool favs are Peter-centric 😭 Instead, here are my spideypool bookmarks. There aren’t a lot bc I can’t read fic and write my own at the same time and writing usually wins lol

Some call-outs:

Off the Record by crookedswingset - Explicit! but waaaayyyyy more plot than porn. Very Peter-centric but Wade is characterized so so so so well. He’s smart but in a way that leaves people guessing what the heck he’s doing (classic) and he cares so much about both Spidey and Peter-- and oh yeah he’s got no clue they’re the same person because everyone thinks Harry Osborn is Spider-Man. Throw in some murder, bad parenting, and a staggering number of POV characters and you’ve got yourself an absolute banger of a fic. If memory serves, the sequel is more focused on spideypool but man oh man they’re both amazing

Untethered by Vixen13 - Explicit! Listen listen listen this is the first fic I think of anytime I think of spideypool. It’s so far AU that Vixen could publish it as a novel if they change the character names and it’s good enough that I have to wonder why they heck they haven’t. Wade is so complex and layered and Peter is an angry bean who has so much to learn and grows so so so much guh we love to see it. Feat. Parent!Wade, Ruler!Wade, Insecure!Wade, Tender-loving!Wade, and oh yeah also dragons 🤩

It Had To Be You by fancastical - Teen! This is one that I reread instead of answering this ask haha It’s so fun and light-hearted and *sigh* Peter-centric but Wade is a delightful enigma and he’s so good to Peter even though Peter is a troll.

Who has good Wade-centric fics to share?? Apparently I could use some more lol

#🌷 anon #spideypool #wade wilson #peter parker #fic recs #shameless self promo #okay okay there's a little shame but im ignoring it bc im better than that #this got so long someone filter me #hashtag things i did when i should have been working #shhhh

[cryptixani]

Heyo! I'd like a romantic Sonic matchup if you don't mind ^-^

 Name: Walela Rose!

Pronouns: She/they

Sexuality and preferences: Bisexual, and my big crushes are Shadow, Sonic and Knuckles (am major Shadow simp) but I’m cool with any match. If you’re focusing on my big 3, I mostly crush on modern and Boom Sonic, movie Knuckles and any freaking iteration of Shadow (except IDW, they did him so dirty ;--;) smaller crush on movie Sonic and Blaze, but again I’m good with any matchup so no pressure!

Personality: where do I freaking start. I am more or less a huge anxious shut in. I have pretty bad anxiety and am scared to be outside by myself. I am a little socially anxious and am awkward, whether I’m confident about it or not. Whenever I try to talk to someone new, I tend to open up with a joke or meme that they end up not understanding and the convo usually ends there. Otherwise, I tend to not talk around strangers. However, when I get close to someone, they can’t shut me up. I get clingy, really affectionate and maybe annoying idk. I tend to crack myself up with puns that everyone else facepalms over. Sometimes I overshare my thoughts. I can be loud when I get excited. My sleep schedule is fricked up lol and I am a bit chubby. I also have a lot of low iq moments lmao and I need a lot of reassurance to know somebody isn’t going to leave me or replace me with someone else. I like sharing the things I obsess about with the ones close to me. I’m an age regressor, but even when I’m not regressing I tend to act a bit like a kid. I’m also lazy af and I blush easily. (Sorry if this was super long) Likes and dislikes: I like singing and playing video games and drawing too! I don’t like pickles, or coffee, and I don’t like hard thunderstorms or people angry yelling at me bc those scare me a lot. I really like Kingdom Hearts and My Little Pony and, of course, the Sonic franchise! My favorite colors are pastels and black. Although I like fireworks, I have to plug my ears when watching them bc I’m a highly sensitive person and those big loud babies hurt my ears. I like childlike things, like those stupid pretend cash register toys.

Relationship type: Something intimate, someone who likes taking care of me but tries to help me grow as a person as well. A relationship where they'll just suddenly remind me that they love me (that makes me swoon) and say sweet things in my ear first thing in the morning (more swooning). Perhaps someone just a little bit possessive, like they get a little jealous or pull me close when they feel like there's competition nearby. Someone who likes to gently brush my hair and doesn't call me cringe if I write them a super cheesy love poem. Someone who will love my body regardless of its shape, but still encourage me to be healthy. And someone who will be understanding and caring when I regress.

NSFW: My top 3 kinks are yandere, DDLG (as in calling someone Daddy and they take on a dilf-like role) and praise kink. I'm a switch, but mostly submissive.

hello lovely, thank you for submitting! i hope you like your matchup!

i match you with...

knuckles the echidna

• this is honestly just a gut feeling but i think knuckles would be a really good match for you!!

• he would definitely help you come out of your shell a bit, at least if you're only around him, to help you overcome your social anxiety. even if it's just baby steps.

• definitely loves taking care of you, making sure you're okay in any given situation, keeping an eye on you when you're around others in case your social battery runs dry

• his love language is acts of service so i think he'd overall just enjoy having someone that lets him convey that

• i don't think he'd be too into pda or anything like that, i headcanon him as pretty reserved, but when it's just the two of you he loves to murmur his affections by your ear while he keeps you close

• won't get most of the memes you reference but will still appreciate it anyway <3 he will enjoy your silly jokes and puns though

• knuckles is very protective over what he loves and what he considers his so rest assured you are in very safe hands, not to mention he won't hesitate to assert himself as your s/o if anyone else tries anything funny

• enjoys your affectionate, clingy nature, would never find it annoying.

• honestly if you gave him a cheesey love poem, he'd be more flustered than anything. he's not used to receiving such affection so it takes him off guard!

hope you enjoyed your matchup!!

#sonic matchups

[libramonthlyhoroscope1]

Dreams about stalkers

People think that it’s sweet and flattering when someone is so interested in your every move, copies your look, and quotes every fascinating thing that you say.

Until things take a darker and more sinister turn and you become the object of a stalker’s fantasy.

Dreams about being stalked are quite common, and the meaning of the dreams can vary on the characters and elements that you see in them.

Dreams about stalkers

Here are some of the most common interpretations of your dreams about being stalked.

Interpretations of Dreams About Being Stalked

When you dream about being stalked, it often indicates your difficulty in handling a problem or dealing with an issue in your life.

Maybe you don’t like talking about it and just quickly evade people’s questions. Perhaps you pretend that everything’s fine, hoping that the problem will go away by itself.

Or maybe you try to downplay the situation and make it sound less serious when it’s really something potentially life-changing.

If you are the stalker in your dreams, it signifies your shadow self, which is the negative part of yourself.

You often have stalker dreams when your shadow self is taking over and starting to overshadow your positive aspects.

This often happens when you’re under a lot of stress, or when you’re surrounded by negative and antagonistic people.

Dreams about being stalked also symbolize your bad habits which you have tried to break unsuccessfully.

Dreams about being stalked by someone also signify persistent troubles in your personal or professional life.

They can also represent bad memories that keep coming back, people who refuse to leave you alone, or relationships that you can’t seem to stay away from.

These dreams symbolize anything in your life that makes you feel. It’s anything that makes you feel like a victim.

They also represent people who watch you like a hawk, noticing every little thing that you do, and waiting for you to make a mistake.

When you have dreams about being stalked, you are most likely feeling that your personal boundaries have been crossed. You have lost your sense of privacy.

You also can’t help but feel that someone is after you, and you feel like you need to protect yourself or be protected from any external threat.

Dreams of being stalked also reflect how you feel about being imitated, observed, or watched.

Maybe you have a friend that likes everything you post on social media and seems to always be present wherever you are.

You’re still deciding whether to be freaked out or flattered.

Perhaps you’ve only started dating someone, but you can’t help but notice how much they know about you already.

They know things that not a lot of people do. You don’t know whether you have friends who love to overshare about you or if they got the information elsewhere.

Maybe there’s this person at work you can’t help but notice because of the way they dress and look. It’s as if they raided your own closet because of how much they copied your style.

You want to be flattered because you are influencing their fashion sense, but you also can’t help but be annoyed by them for looking too much like you.

Dreaming about being stalked also signifies that people are jealous of you, but you will not allow people’s negativity to stop you from being a winner.

This kind of dream also signifies that someone is trying to blackmail you for something that you’re scared to be revealed to everyone.

It can also represent how you feel like your life is being toyed with by people or the universe in general.

Meanings of Dreams About Being Stalked

When you dream about yourself stalking someone, it often signifies your feelings of insecurity about missing out on things or not paying close attention.

You also have this kind of dream when you are keeping a close eye on someone.

Maybe it’s someone that you’re interested in dating and you’re gathering intel about their background, past relationships, and views on love, marriage, and babies.

Perhaps it’s the client that you have been trying to woo for the past few weeks. You want to know what makes this person tick so that you can use the info in your business negotiations.

Maybe it’s your friend who borrowed money from you because of a family emergency, and you’re watching their every move to make sure that the money will not go to their bad habits.

Dreams about being stalked will also arise when you’re spending a lot of time watching another person’s every move.

Maybe you’re on a mission to dig up dirt about someone as ammunition.

Perhaps you’re watching this person to get close to someone they know, which happens to be the real object of your affection.

You will also have stalking dreams when something is not going well between you and your boss, or you and someone in a place of authority.

Maybe you’ve bungled something at work and you’re just waiting for your boss to come bursting through your office doors.

Maybe you had a heated argument with your supervisor and you’re worried that they will fire you within the week.

Dreams about being stalked will also happen more frequently when you or someone you know is displaying obsessive behavior.

Maybe you just don’t realize it yet, but this applies to how you stalk their social media pages and pop in at parties you know they’ll be at.

It also applies to how you follow everyone who’s close to them to get more information about the person you’re interested in.

What Are Your Dreams About Being Stalked Telling You?

You may also have dreams about being stalked when you’re having troubles getting over your ex-lover.

When the breakup is only recent and the pain is still fresh, your tendency is to look at your old pictures and videos together and find out what they’re up to in their social media.

Sometimes you will also visit your favorite places, hoping that you’ll bump into them or even catch a glimpse of them.

You’ll want to know the new people they’re meeting and going out with.

If you had special powers, you’d probably use all of them to know what’s going on in their head and to watch them as long as you want without being seen.

It’s classic stalker behavior, so it’s really no surprise why you will have these stalker dreams. Dreams about being stalked can also happen when you have an intense crush on someone.

Your first instinct is to know everything that you can about them to find out things you have in common, things you both like or dislike, and people they have dated in the past to know how you compare.

In your desire to increase your chances of being liked by this person, you do your own research so that you will be prepared for your first date. If there ever will be a first date.

Interestingly, you will also have dreams about being stalked when someone accuses you of stalking them!

It will shock, infuriate, and annoy you so much that your subconscious will simply start picking up your signals and transmitting them to you. They will manifest as dreams of being stalked.

The Hidden Meaning of Your Dreams About Being Stalked

When you dream about being stalked, it’s probably because your shadow self or the negative aspect of yourself is making itself known.

You can’t help it because there are so many things happening around you, and your feelings and thoughts are starting to get conflicted.

When you are being stalked in your dreams, it also indicates that you are refusing to deal with your issues in life.

Refusing to acknowledge that there is a problem or trying to avoid them will not make the issues go away, though. This is the kind of thing that you just can’t run away from.

But the good thing about this is that the sooner you handle the problem, the sooner that you will get it out of the way and be able to sleep soundly at night.

You will also have stalker dreams when you yourself are guilty of stalking in real life.

Perhaps there’s someone that you really like but you’re not sure how to approach them and ask them out on a date.

You decide to look them up online and find out everything you can about them, including their family, friends, co-workers, and even their pets.

Maybe you still have strong and passionate feelings for your ex, and you just can’t deal with the fact that they’re no longer a part of your life.

You hold on to the memories and the keepsakes. You look at old photos and other souvenirs of the love that you shared.

You create playlists of songs that you both loved and send the links to them anonymously. And you drive by their house every night just to see if they’re doing okay.

The Message Behind Your Dreams About Being Stalked

When you dream about being stalked, the stalker symbolizes the negative aspect of your personality or your waking life.

You will experience these kinds of dreams when you’re not feeling very happy or proud of yourself for something that you have done.

Perhaps you are taking out your anger and your frustrations about your spouse on your young kids.

You can’t stop yourself from yelling and being impatient with them, and this dark side of your personality makes you hate yourself.

Maybe you participated in a mean prank that ended up hurting the feelings of another person very deeply.

At first, you thought it was all just harmless fun, but now you feel wracked with guilt after things got out of hand.

This can also apply to the dark turn that your life will make when you pick the bad choices and make the wrong decisions.

The same can be said when you fall into the same bad habits and unhealthy addictions.

Whenever you do something that puts you in a precarious situation or is hurtful to yourself and your loved ones, your shadow self rears its ugly head.

And when it does, it will usually manifest as bad dreams, such as dreams about being stalked.

[nevertheless-moving]

oh. my. GOD.

HOW DID I NOT THINK OF THIS IT’S PERFECT

It would take a while to get there- Mace is really quite discreet and Anakin is working so hard to be discreet too as step one of his 312 step plan to make big, romantic Jedi weddings a thing. He’s motivated, okay? 

Anakin very gradually starts carpooling with Mace more and more often. They don’t tell anyone exactly where the bakery is and everyone’s so relieved that Master Windu finally found a way to get through to Skywalker that they don’t want to mess with a good thing thing by asking too many questions.

(Anakin is SO much more chill about a lot of things cause he’s not completely hopeless about the future and the possibility of being forced to choose between the people he loves. He’s also a lot less afraid for Padme’s safety while off world now that he know Master Windu is in the same building often. Whether or not his understanding of Windu’s relationship is completely accurate is questionable, but the effect it has on his mental health is real.)

(Anakin also starts over-sharing a little about his relationship with Padme to Mace, much to Master Windu’s consternation. VERY occasionally Mace will say something like “...Jar-Jar ended a pointless 3 hour senate commitee meeting by spilling something on Mas Amedda” and then they’ll rag on how phony ALMOST everyone in politics is.)

Obi-wan is going insane. Them bonding is...great. No one said Anakin couldn’t have other friends! Even if now they seem to have inside jokes that Obi-Wan doesn’t understand! He’s perfectly fine with that! He’s happy that Master Windu is taking some time to teach Anakin vaapad! Anakin’s clearly thriving, and Obi-Wan’s definitely not thinking that Anakin would have been so much better off if Mace had been his master instead! Obi-Wan's happy about all this!

But the fact that sometimes they’re disappearing together at midnight and coming back the next day in the same robes as the day before is driving him MAD. It takes him a really...really long to even consider the idea because OBVIOUSLY Anakin is infatuated with Padme but...he could have sworn Master Windu made a reference to Anakin’s tendency to toss around in his sleep (yay oversharing!) and WHY would Mace know that. Anakin is wincing to sit down and Obi-Wan just sort of assumed in the past that Padme was a little too rough (none of his business, he’d rather not speculate, and at least they can’t get pregnant that way) but now Mace Windu is smirking and in a good mood and looks exhausted.

Obi-Wan would get so protective. Eventually it all just becomes too much and he corners Mace after a council meeting:

“You’re a council Member! He’s barely even knighted! It’s an outrage! An abuse of power!” 

“...Master Kenobi, what are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about your little affair with my barely-legal padawan!”

Mace’s soul briefly leaves his body but look he didn’t stay a council member this long or become master of the order in the first place without an innate tendency to thrive on drama. You can not succeed on ANY council if you don’t enjoy gossip and shit stirring just a little. And he’s also tired by this war and needs to take his joys where he can. And right now he’s finding joy in Obi-Wan’s misplaced but actually quite noble indignation. 

“He’s not your padawan anymore, he’s a knight perfectly capable of making his own choices.” And Mace sweeps out, leaving Obi-Wan fuming. 

“HE’S JUST A BOY!” Master Kenobi shouts down the hall desperately, but Windu just keeps power walking. He’s got shit to do, okay? Maybe this will make Anakin talk to Obi-Wan about Padme instead of blathering on about her hair to me.

Obi-Wan, freaking the fuck out, starts asking Anakin leading questions, window open on his datapad for ‘signs of child grooming.’ 

"Was there an adult who you felt gave you special attention when you were feeling isolated or neglected? Someone who maybe made a point to find out what you liked and made sure to get it for you? Who maybe you felt indebted to because of this? Maybe who gave you gifts, or money, or flattery? Or just more attention and affection? Perhaps after that they told you that ‘they were the only one truly understand you’? Who made a point to spend time with you alone, without other adults or kids?”

Anakin (defensive): “Why are you asking me all these weird questions about the Chancellor? Palpatine is a great man and a loyal friend!” *storms off*

Obi-Wan has a heart attack and dies, thus bringing this au to an abrupt and tragic end.

No I’m kidding, obviously this is a fix it. Obi-Wan does have several consecutive panic attacks and briefly kidnaps Anakin.

#star wars #my au #star wars au no 20 #long post #macenjar au #potentially triggering #child abuse #palpatine's canon creepiness #grooming

[neonponders]

WIP Wednesday

Thank you for tagging me @lazybakerart 💗💋

I’ve got two big writing projects on my plate this week lol but one thing I’m kind of indulging is a break-up/getting back together fic that I actually started in this post, but I’ll share what I have so far underneath the cut ~

(and excuse me while I overshare, because I’m still stupidly proud of this The Mummy_au post that I made if anyone wants a taste of that)

Tagging (if you want) ✨ @ghostofjellyfishforgotten , ✨ @smashmouth-hargrove , and ✨ @withoneheadlight 

(also just a heads up for the wip below: it’s once again me exploring my own asexuality through Steve, but I don’t know how far I’m going to go into it. Still, that might be a content warning people may need if they’re sex-repulsed 🌹)

Ch. 1

Sex with Billy was fine. Good, even.

When they finally moved past every look and touch being a threat veiled in a tease, Steve enjoyed looking at Billy. He enjoyed looking at Billy and discovering those California eyes already on him. He liked Billy’s hands. The man had beautiful hands; strong, thick fingers but...somehow elegant.

He liked Billy’s body, even though he sometimes worried that the guy seemed determined to break it ten different ways. Cigarettes, alcohol, excessive working out, and sometimes all at the same time.

Sex didn’t always mean Steve got to cum. Usually he didn’t, actually. But he enjoyed Billy’s kisses on his neck, and the taste of his tongue, and - admittedly - he loved just having all of Billy’s attention enraptured on him. Steve didn’t mind taking his dick inside because once he got used to it, that felt surprisingly good. When he managed the pleasurable sparks and sensational tingles that mounted into something explosive, he understood why sex was great. But for the more frequent, calm nights, he’d come to think of it as a weird yet pleasant massage.

So he took it. Because it was easier on his hands and knees, for one, and because Billy had a control complex. And Steve could hide his lack of enthusiasm.

Not to say that Billy was selfish or careless. Far from it, Billy Hargrove was an incredibly doting lover. Big surprise, there. Considering how the guy

Well

Existed.

Steve couldn’t really blame Billy for never noticing that he could go a long time without sex. Because Steve liked resting his hand on Billy’s chest while they watched a show or movie. It didn’t matter how much bare skin he had access to. In fact, the more coverage, the better. A clothed body is better to cuddle with than skin that can get sticky or irritated.

Steve liked kissing. He’d always liked kissing. Kissing was the reason he’d assumed he was like everyone else: the desire to kiss, crushes and girlfriends, masturbating, even the giddiness of sex with someone new.

But something fizzled out very quickly in Steve’s brain. Once hands and intent started moving beneath clothing, Steve just...didn’t want it. Suddenly a lot of things popped into his brain that he’d rather be doing. But he persevered because he loved Nancy, and her blooming sexual prowess and bravery was sexy.

Fun.

Billy was a whole big bag of new with an edge of scary that turned out to be more endearing than Steve thought possible. So it was easy to go like that for a while.

Normal.

Eventually he had to admit to himself that he didn’t like taking showers at 1am because he didn’t enjoy being covered in his own, and Billy’s, sweat. He didn’t like feeling the drips on his skin or the tackiness of too many skin oils on his hands.

He hated admitting to himself that he felt relief whenever Billy went out of town for work. He missed Billy, of course, but a lot of things had begun to snowball together in Steve’s life: changing jobs, managing bank accounts and savings, and there were a lot of truths Steve was facing outside of his relationship.

He was tired. Damn tired. He spent many days off wondering if people in their twenties feel this tired all the time or if it was just him. It must just be him. Because Steve sees Robin just as much as he doesn’t. She’s got goals.

And Billy

Billy has big dreams. He’s ready to work damn hard and already is. That’s why he uses his hefty gas money funds, to travel around. Scout the areas. Steve even drove him to the airport once, so Billy could really gain some distance over the weekend. Expand his network.

As if the universe knew, some bigwig passing through Hawkins on their way to Chicago ran right into Billy. A bigwig looking for a handsome, charismatic, young guy to mentor. It really couldn’t be more perfect than divine intervention. They’re Billy’s inlet to the business. Modeling, acting, freaking UNICEF ambassadorial work if he wants to feel extra important. If he gets big enough to have his face mean something around the world.

Within one conversation, he’s got a business card, and an appointment in a Chicago skyscraper next week to take measurements and do a rudimentary photo shoot. The manager warns him that it’s the agency getting to know him, but like any job interview, it’s his chance to interview them right back. Billy likes that a lot—feeling like he has a stake in something instead of just being a corporate pawn. And maybe he eats right out of the manager’s hand, but it’s still a shot. And he’s taking it.

He immediately goes to Steve’s work, fired up from seeing a future for the first time like he finally got the right prescription glasses. The only caveat is that Billy has to move out of Hawkins, which isn’t even a flaw, really. It’s as close to perfect as life’s ever been for him.

Steve can only listen quietly as he sits at the table in the break room. Because Billy’s got big dreams that are already coming true. Every detail of his enflamed speech is given over pacing feet; he can’t even bother to sit at the table. Billy’s got so much energy he’s already mentally and emotionally out the door.

Steve…isn’t. His mental health has been on a downward slope since before they graduated, and it won’t allow him to reach anywhere. He doesn’t have any dreams to steer him in any direction anyways.

Billy’s rant begins to wind down about what he wants to do; his fire about his dreams and his motivation simmers down to an even boil. Steve’s impressed and already proud of the person Billy will become, but Steve can also hear Billy’s frustration with him and their relationship.

For not keeping up.

Steve’s…kind of never been able to keep up. In bed or in life.

And perhaps the saddest part is that Steve doesn’t even have it in him to fight for it. For them. He doesn’t feel worthy enough to hold Billy back. So he doesn’t.

Billy snaps a little, “Why aren’t you saying anything? I’ve been talking about this for the last two years! Steve?”

He’d gotten distracted by looking at his backpack hanging on the wall. Steve’s throat hurt. Two years? God, it’s really been two years already…

He pinched his fingertips over the table as he began, “Billy, I support you. I know you can get there—wherever it is you want to be. I’m not going to tell you to stop or slow down. You’re going somewhere. But I’m…”

He took a breath to finally say it. “Not. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t think I have the energy to figure it out any time soon. You should go.”

Steve can see the disappointment sinking through Billy’s features. And the anger that he’s so used to throwing up as a shield. Billy has so much energy coursing through him as it is, Steve can’t blame him for swinging right into the direction of livid.

The real surprise comes from how soft he speaks. No yelling. No hitting the table. No wrenching Steve up by his green uniform vest. They were long past those outbursts. Which…really just confirmed Steve’s decision. Billy had come a long way. He could go so much further.

“That’s what you have to say? Just like that…you’re really giving up on us?”

Steve knows he’s gaping like a stupid fish. But it isn’t just like that, is it? Billy’s been revving his engines to get the hell out of Hawkins ever since he got here in the first place. Steve tries to say as much, but Billy cuts him off.

“I thought you’d be excited for this. You should be hauling me out of here to pack my bags.”

Steve tries to offer a small smile, but his voice betrays him. “I thought I kind of am? I didn’t take you for the long distance type.”

It’s not the response Billy wants. That should make Steve feel better than it does; the blatant display that Billy wants more of Steve. His excitement, his attention, maybe his companionship…

Steve doesn’t know what he wants—or rather, he does. That’s the issue. Billy’s wants and Billy’s problems can all be resolved by leaving one critical piece behind.

Steve.

Some more things are said, but Steve doesn’t do well on the spot. Especially when the limelight is Billy. Steve fails the tests and he fails the interview. Billy storms out, leaving Steve at the table, pinching his fingertips white before he unconsciously glances at his backpack again.

The backpack full of apartment lease papers. The papers Steve’s already signed because even with his insecurities, the mornings he woke up to discover Billy spooning him after having returned in the middle of the night were his best days. Because Billy’s silly insistence on hand poured coffee was his favorite drink. Because Billy was funny and weird like an artist and loony like a nerd with his video games, and Steve knew—or at least hoped that—Billy loved him the day he started holding his hand while driving that stupid, loud, beloved Camaro—

Because Steve’s heart was a magnet. It stayed where it landed and tugged back even when pulled away.

All he’d needed was Billy’s autograph to be given the keys. Keys to the rest of their lives, if Billy wasn’t already so far away.

Ch. 2

Robin gripped Steve’s arm, hard. A gargled sound escaped him as he grimaced and tried to pry her hand off. Her other hand pointed at one of the catalogues on the store’s many counters. When he invited her with him to pick out glasses, he hadn’t expected to walk out of the freaking optometrist’s office with bruises…

Nor had he thought he’d see a familiar face in the catalogue. Plenty of models were looking editorial chic, advertising that anyone could look as good in whatever glasses they chose.

Except Billy really did look good. The picture was just a vague image outside, the camera focused on Billy’s three-quarter profile gazing off past the photographer.

“I didn’t expect him to actually be working this fast,” Robin admitted. “It’s been…what? Seven months, give or take? I thought casting calls for models were competitive.”

“Not if you look like Billy,” Steve huffed with a quiet mixture of humor, sadness, and just a sprinkle of spite. A sprinkle of jealousy, if he was being honest with himself. The self-help book tucked under the covers of his bed talked about honesty. So he admitted honestly, “He looks that good and knows how to stand out in a room…good for him.”

He could see in his periphery Robin looking up and scrutinizing him. “Really?”

Steve shrugged with a nod. “Yeah. What’s the other option? Him struggling for work?”

Robin sighed and plucked a display set of glasses at random to try on and occupy herself. “That’s big of you, but everyone wants something cathartic. It’s annoyingly impressive that he landed the front cover of a magazine in less than a year.”

Steve opened the catalogue to give them both a reprieve. “You wanna get food after this? Take your mind off the audition?”

For all the good being a band geek did, Robin had experienced her own humbling experiences over the last few months. Like failed auditions to be in city orchestras. She and Steve were feeling very stuck in Kansas while Billy gallivanted around Oz.

• • • • • • •

The plot gets messy because years will actually go by, and Steve and Robin get married so that they can share insurance benefits (and be safe in their bi/lesbian open relationship, buy a house together, etc. It’s the life/happiness security Steve wants but obviously there aren’t any romantic feelings).

Of course this is when Billy happens to reenter Steve’s life. He’s got some hot-shot model he’s been seeing, and apparently Steve is married so there’s the added dash and twist of ~ cheating ~

I’ve been in some kind of mood, all right.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading lol.

#harringrove #wip wednesday #this is a long one i'm sorry lol #also do check out the mummy au linked above for a much happier wip lol #neonponders #lazybakerart #the art of steve in a blindfold can also be considered a wip? #i'll reblog it for everyone haha #ficlet #break-up/getting back together

[unsaidmar]

WC: 2.5k (long winded girl, I know)

Plot: They share stuff and it changes how they see things. Connection ensues. 

CW: Mentions of death, illness, hospitals I guess, violence.

a/n: Hello y’all. This is part two of whatever the fuck is going on inside my pea brain. Hope you enjoy.

Part one, the meeting. 

Two; It’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

She laughed at the awkwardness of the text and the perfect grammar Dr. Spencer Reid maintained while texting. Ollie made a mental note to care a little more about the phrasing of her own texts, especially considering the circumstances. To say she wanted to impress him was an understatement.

“Good, germs are yucky.” Sent at 7:45 am.

“Also, hi. Good morning” Sent at 7:45 am.

Good morning? Too much too soon? She fell victim to her overthinking for at least twenty minutes after sending her last text, realizing she had to slowly build up the courage to ask about the next time they would be seeing each other, which apparently would have to wait, since Spencer had an inconvenient schedule and could be out of the state in a matter of 20 minutes.  Ollie exhaled and stood up from her awful office chair to go and make herself some coffee, hoping to stop her mind from reeling and sending her into her usual never-ending pit of despair and anxiety that came with stepping out of her comfort zone.

A ping echoed in the room and her screen lit up, displaying a text from the one person she had been thinking about. Ollies mother would be crying laughing if she saw the state she was in, positively losing hair over the fact that a cute, smart, witty man was texting her back. A man she had spoken to for the first time not even 24 hours prior.

“I’m a nice person, I’m funny sometimes, I offered him coffee.” She whispered to herself, rationalizing every aspect of their interaction. “That’s how friendships start” She laughed bitterly. “I’m here… freaking… wishful thinking, and maybe he has a significant other… maybe he doesn’t even like women… maybe he just thought I was nice and he thought ‘yay, a new friend’… fuck” she plopped herself back on the chair and threw her head back.

Lia would have known what the right thing to do is, she would come up with a cool thing to text back on the spot, and she resented her absence like she had a million times before. Ollie had gotten used to writing her letters like her best friend was living somewhere else in the world and she would eventually read her friend’s attempt at keeping her updated, which she knew was not healthy and definitely not helping her move on.

The thing is, Lia’s death was not a surprise at all. It was a possibility to the point of actually being expected. She had been diagnosed as a terminal patient for a little over a year before she passed and almost everyone around her had made peace with the fact that she could go any day and that life would have to go on without her, but no amount of grief counseling and encouraging talks with Lia’s family could have prepared her for the unimaginable pain Ollie felt when it happened. She had heard about experiences that made the world turn upside down and how some life events made you go numb and make your legs give weight, but had never come face to face with a happenstance that painful.

She figured she was going to have to carry the burden of her loss till the day she died, and even then, the words “I missed you, till the very end.” would be carved in her grave.

Coming back from her spiral, she remembered how she fell down the rabbit hole in the first place. She took her phone with the intention of texting Spencer back and smiled at how stupid she had been to worry about seeing him again.

“Hey, arrest made successfully. Are you busy right now?” Sent at 7:57 am.

Sighing with relief, Ollie smiled and tried to sound casual with her reply as to not sound like seeing him again was the only thing she had been thinking about.

“I’m the boss, I can un-busy myself. Why? Were you charmed by my Keurig?” Sent at 8:00 am.

Spencer was not the kind to send sassy texts, or any text for that matter. This was completely new to him and he was determined to get it right, so he channeled the Derek Morgan that lived within him and prayed to whatever deity was looking out for him to make him sound cooler than he was feeling.

“I’m a sucker for coffee so, yes.” Sent at 8:05

 “I’m a sucker for you, apparently” Ollie nearly screamed at how quickly that came out of her mouth. “Fucking loser, dear God” She shook her head, scolding herself and whatever hamster was in charge of her brain and thought process.

“Mi oficina es tu oficina, then. I’ll be waiting.” Sent at 8:07

Twenty minutes later, he was there, coffee cup in his hands. After what felt like no time at all, they were four coffee cups deep into their conversation and had learned a lot more about each other. Turns out Spencer had a day off after they landed from an away case, he had a thing with germs, his favorite color was purple and his co-workers were more his family than just the people he happened to work with. He liked a bunch of sugar with his coffee and had an eidetic memory that was as much of a blessing as it was a curse.

He was impressed at how this girl was not what you would expect her to be, every aspect of her seemed to make no sense and at the same time, it made perfect sense. This purple haired girl had ADHD and a PhD in history, she was the oldest daughter of two of the most stubborn Mexican immigrants and had a sister that made even the most patient of humans go mad. She loved music, and was not ashamed to admit that her taste in music was far from sophisticated. “I am Taylor Swift’s bitch; I know the words to every single one of her songs! Same goes for One Direction too” She argued when Spencer said that it couldn’t be that bad.

A blaring ring halted their conversation to an unexpected stop. Ollie picked up the office phone with an annoyed grimace and exchanged a few words with whoever was calling.

“Hold that thought, I have to go sign a thingy at the front desk” She dashed out of her office and left Spencer there.

For the first time, he felt compelled to look around and fixate on the details. There were a few old looking pictures and some newer ones with people who looked a lot like her. There was one picture that caught his attention, isolated from the rest like it deserved a spot of its own. In it, there was a red-haired girl that looked around Ollie’s age, one of her arms around her waist and the other one cradling her head that was laying on her shoulder. Ollie’s eyes were closed and the red head looked like she was caught mid-sentence. Stuck to the frame was a little post it note that read “I love you, head ass. -Lia” It looked intimate, they were clearly comfortable with that kind of physical affection, and if Lia hadn’t called Ollie a head ass in the post it, he would have assumed they were together romantically.

Ollie came back in a hurry, apologizing for having to run out like that and sitting back down to resume their conversation.

“It’s okay, don’t worry” Spencer assured her. “I was looking at your pictures, I hope you don’t mind” He said, suddenly very aware of how invasive that could be.

“Not at all, those are there to be looked at” She shrugged, bracing herself for the question she knew was coming. Somehow, talking about Lia with him did not feel as dreadful as it had all those times she was asked about it before, perhaps it’s just him and his calming presence.

Sure enough, he pointed at the picture Lia had framed for valentine’s day and asked, “Who’s that?”.

“That’s Lia, she was my best friend. She is my best friend.” She smiled fondly, something that had never happened before when talking about this specific topic. Maybe sharing Lia’s memory with someone who didn’t know her was different. “She passed away almost a year and a half ago. 468 days ago, to be exact. She was really sick, it was inevitable” Ollie let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding, reaching for the post it and tracing the words over with her finger.

“I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been”

“It was… heartbreaking. Even with all that time we had to process the news, it still took me off guard.” She shook her head trying to ground herself. “Anyways, that’s a sad topic. I don’t want to bum you out with it.”

He knew the feeling all too well, he had apologized to several people when he rambled about Maeve, feeling like he had said too much and gotten too personal. He was not about to let this beautiful, vibrant soul feel the way he had for so long. Like he still did, truly.

“Don’t apologize, I get it. You’re not making me sad” He felt like he needed to elaborate to actually convey the message. “I went through the same thing with someone I loved too” he said, looking down at his hands, the very familiar feeling of oversharing creeping in. As he looked up, he noticed the sad look Ollie was giving him, but if the profiler in him was right, she was inviting him to share, not to stop.

“Her name was Maeve. She… she was a geneticist. She helped me through a rough time and she became my friend. It’s a long story…” he looked away.

“I want to hear it, long or not. But only if you want me to.” She gave him the warmest smile she could muster, which convinced him to keep going.

“Um, I started getting some headaches a while ago. I went to a few doctors but none of them gave me an answer. I reached out to Maeve for help and… We bonded, I guess.” He took a shaky breath.

“You don’t have to continue if you feel uncomfortable” she whispered in the most delicate tone.

“No, it’s not that. It’s just… I’ve never told this story before. Everyone in my life that I care about was there to see it.” He said, meeting her eyes so she could see how honest he was being. The man got a hold of himself for a minute, and continued.

“Maeve had to go into hiding. She was being stalked by some woman she met at work. Beyond talking on the phone, we hadn’t even met. I had no idea what she looked like and vice versa. This girl, the stalker… She wrote a paper, and Maeve dismissed it because it didn’t have a good enough foundation. When she started stalking her, she scared her into hiding and eventually started dating her ex-fiancé to try and get closer to Maeve, assuming he knew where she was. They ended up finding her and confronting her. She shot herself and the first person I ever loved. Right in front of me and my friends. The first five minutes I got with Maeve face to face, were the last.”

Baring his soul to a person he had known for a whooping 18 hours was the weirdest thing Spencer had ever done, so unlike himself it was almost funny. But at the same time, he felt like it had to happen. By no means did he believe in fate or destiny, but this one moment made him feel like maybe whoever does believe in that stuff, is not completely wrong.

She was not a therapist. She listened because she was going through a similar thing herself and her interest in Spencer’s loss was not rooted in psychoanalyzing him and helping him cope. She was just a mundane human that did not look at him with condescension and pity, she looked at him like she, too, had found a person who wouldn’t ask her “And, how does that make you feel?” in a monotonous voice. They both knew better than to assume they had all the answers.

“Spencer, that’s horrible. I am so sorry you had to see that. Jesus, fuck. I- “She thought about her next words very carefully. “That’s enough to crush anyone’s spirit” She looked at him like he was turning green. The reason being, he did not look like he was crushed. He had a beautiful smile that shook Ollie to her core, he was easygoing and conversation with him was carefree and it flowed easily. If he had not told her about Maeve, she would not have guessed the man sitting right in front of her was as affected as her.

“How did you manage to get through that?” Ollie questioned, fully intending to take notes.

“I don’t really think I have yet…” Well, time to come clean. Spencer thought. “The whole reason I was here yesterday, and a lot more times before that one, is because she and I talked about this museum. She told me about some conferences she had attended here and we made plans to visit together. Doesn’t quite sound like someone who’s over the whole thing.” He fiddled with his fingers, suddenly too aware of how cold it was. “How did you get through Lia’s death?”

“Yeah, well. I don’t really think I’m quite there either. Not like I’m trying, anyways. I can’t seem to get away from the Grey Roots either” Mental images of two little kids running around with dusty books in their hands came to her and she couldn’t help the small smile she broke into.

“I’m a hopeless romantic at heart, I have always thought that the way Lia and I found each other was pure magic. We met when we were in the second grade, right in this museum, we were on a field trip and we clicked. It was crazy to me that I actually met my best friend at such a young age, and the kind that lasts forever too. It sounds like when people meet the love of their lives on their first try. It sounds dorky, I know”

“It doesn’t. If anything, it sounds like you consider yourself lucky to have loved her like you did. We need more people like that, people that believe in magic.” Spencer reassured her with a shrug. He wished he could believe in cute stuff like that, but he was happy Ollie led a life that made her believe.

“Yeah, but us crazy people, we get our hopes up too easily. Sometimes it hurts.”

“Tell me about it.”

And just like that, in the not so well-lit office of the head Conservator of the Grey Roots Museum and Archive, something in the world had shifted.

#spencer reid x original female character #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x latina reader #criminal minds headcanons #criminal minds #bau #fluff #spencer reid headcanon

[textsfromtheborderline]

Hey there! I'm sorry but, do you happen to know any way my fp can help me ground when I'm spiraling into panic due to delusions?? I sometimes get p freaky and when they say things like 'well I'm sure you're a human' I can only think 'but that's what /they/ would say, it's the code' and it makes me feel as though I can't trust them and that's not good so maybe a little help could be v useful? I know I'm a human, but still. Also great job on the blog, you are the best resource out there! —🍁

Thanks for your question!

I struggle with this too. Let me try to explain some things as best Ican. In the past, I have said things to my Narc (who also happened to be my ex FPbut that was a disaster because of her abusive behaviour and my emotionalvolatility) that were very admittedly “freaky.” Like when I couldn’t take hermanipulation + abuse anymore and lashed out, the things I said were vicious,wrathful, hateful, provocative, and probably bewildering. I’m still very sad Iever allowed myself to be put in a position where I gave myself permission tosay those things, but I don’t regret them because they were necessary. Admittedly,I didn’t hold back on purpose because I wanted to be as painful as possible inhopes that she would leave me alone.

I’d say it worked, but everything comes at a cost. Responding to herbaiting in this way showed me how much work I needed to do when it comes toemotional processing, communicating clearly, and managing Oversharing. My angerwas an indicator that there was something about the situation that was unhealthy,for both of us.

Similarly, your delusions and panic can be indications of severalthings:

Feeling emotionally overwhelmed (which means youneed to communicate and alleviate the pressure

Feeling anxious and/or depressed (which means youneed to communicate)

Feeling mistrustful and paranoid (stemming fromfear of abandonment

Mood swings (here are some ways to manage them)

The quality/healthiness of your thoughts. I’mnot shaming you for your “freakiness” but it’s important to keep in mind that persistentintrusive thoughts, or more concerning, troubling fantasies (such as thosewhich might involve extreme violence or criminal behaviour) are signs that you require professional help to improve your mental well being

Wanting comfort in the form of understanding,acceptance, and love

This last point is very important. It’s really the heart of being aBorderline. Moreover, it’s connected to Oversharing, and I think that’s themain issue you are having with your FP. Let’s break things down:

What you want: your FP to helpyou be grounded when you get panic attacks due to delusions

Issue 1: Your delusions,which cause panic attacks (connected to the issues I outlined above)

Issue 2: Your craving toOvershare, prompted by the need for understanding, acceptance, andlove-especially from your FP.

What you really want: your FP to accept all the “freaky” things you say, and still be therefor you. You panic because you think they won’t be (because you don’t trustthem) and then you get delusions, which then make you panic even more.

I hope this is correct. And it’s a tough thing to figure out. But you’renot alone!

Believe me, I know how exquisite it is to share all your victories andsorrows with someone who puts the heat of passion into your veins. I know howliberating and thrilling it can be to talk about even the darkest thingswithout fear of rejection or judgement or abandonment. I know how good it feelsto share and share until you feel like your mind, heart, and soul have beenpoured clean, flowing to mix with the other person’s. I get it. I truly do.

But that’s based on trust + respect. It takes time to develop into ahealthy form of communication and an interpersonal relationship that canbenefit you both. The only way that can happen is with clear boundaries,expectations, and communication.

Here’s the thing: your FP can’t help “keep you grounded” when youmistrust them. And the reason you’re mistrusting them is because in your perception, their response is not theone which satisfies you. Consider this: you say something “freaky” and it’s like cracking open the doorinto your mind, heart, and soul. You’re so eager to fling it wide open, towelcome someone in, and the fact that it’s a FP makes you excited. By sayingthe “freaky” thing, it’s like extending an invitation. Abusive Borderlines will use this opportunity to test people’s loyalty andtolerance level of some truly reprehensible things. It’s not okay to do thatwhatsoever. But for the rest of us Borderlines, this invitation is a good placeto start with trust. The fear is, we’ve said too much, too soon.

At the same time, the “freaky” thing is such an important aspect of ourthought processes (which admittedly, aren’t always pleasant because we’re human) that we feel compelled to shareit. This is where clear communication is important. Our intention isn’tnecessarily to “freak” you out, but to be as honest as we possibly can. We’reaware that you will probably get freaked out anyway.

So we take a deep breath and may choose to say the “freaky” thing. Thisis where a bit of splitting happens. On the one hand, we want you to react asif we’ve made just a passing comment on the weather, but also want you tounderstand how deeply important it is to us that we’ve revealed something toyou (ironically, without actually letting you know what it is that we wouldlike + expect from you). On the other hand, we want you to react in a way thatindicates you understand, love, and acceptance on an incredibly deep level,which validates our emotions and inner processes.  

So essentially, based on what you’ve told me, you want your FP toembrace what you’ve shared, to be enthusiastic about it, and to feel special,deeply moved, and perhaps even awed at the fact that you’ve chosen to shareyourself with them. That’s all well and good, but it’s not a reasonable thingto always expect from another person, especially after a “freaky” thing. It’sthe ideal thing we expect, because itmatches how we feel.

But for your FP, in reality it’s a perfectly reasonable, calm responseto your “freaky” statements. Do you understand? It’s really the only way they can respond, without you explicitlyletting them know how you would like them to respond + behave. Them telling youthat you’re human is simply a matter of fact. I hope you can accept that. Itisn’t grounds for you to mistrust them.

The best way for your FP to keep you “grounded” is to be honest and tell them you need comfort and for them tobe there for you when you need support. What that means is unique to yoursituation. That’s a reasonable thing to ask, too. I can’t really tell you specifically how your FP can help you, but I can tellyou it would be easier for them to do so if you communicated clearly. This alsohelps build trust.

However, I would caution you about two very important things. First andforemost, it is not your FP’sresponsibility to keep you grounded, or to handle your mental illness for you. Secondly, just because your FP doesn’t react the wayyou necessarily expect, doesn’t mean they don’t care for you. You can besupported through tough times, and that in and of itself indicates that theycare for you.

What I’d like you to take away from my answer is that it’s okay to reachout and communicate. It’s okay to want comfort. There’s just a right time,place, and person to do it with.

#q + a #anon #textsfromtheborderline

[scientistsalarian]

I did this prompt for @seigephoenix for tonight’s @masseffectwritercircle. I had a lot of fun with it too :D

“Before we begin, I have a question.” Kandros was seated on the floor across from Sara Ryder, his talons gingerly resting on the planchette.

“What is it?” Sara was impatient to get started and she fidgeted in place while readjusting her hand on the small plastic contraption.

“Everything that was brought aboard the Arks had to be approved by someone. Who approved of bringing a weird human thing to talk to ghosts and why?” Kandros had never been superstitious but the fact that every human he talked to seemed to vouch for the effectiveness of the strange thing had made him curious.

“Ugh, Kandos, can’t we just have some fun without bringing up protocol? Anyway, Scott and I figured it would be super fun to freak out whatever aliens we’d meet here so we convinced Dad that it would be funny. Dad agreed because he thought it would be worth it to try and see if maybe the people here would worship us as gods and we could start a cult or something. He always did have a kind of...dark sense of humor.” Sara realized that perhaps she had said too much and smiled at Kandros hoping that he wasn’t scared off by her oversharing.

“So long story short, you inherited the crazy from your dad. Got it,” Kandros answered back smugly.

“I mean we weren’t really going to do it,” Sara exclaimed haughtily.

“And yet, here we are, in a new galaxy having survived a 600 year journey with this...Ouija board.” Kandros hoped he was pronouncing it correctly. “Ok, another question.”

“Dammit Kandros, you’re supposed to come up with questions for the spirit world, not me!” Sara rolled her eyes.

“Last on, I promise. In your language it’s spelled O-U-I-J-A. Why? As much as I know about English, that’s not the sounds those letters make.”

“We have ghosts we could talk to and you want a lesson etymology?” Sara was stunned that Kandros seemed more interested in spelling than the potential to speak to those beyond the land of the living.

“It’s just interesting to me. I mean how exactly does this thing even work anyway? It’s just a plastic thing with a window on a board with letters. I don’t see anything that would give this board a connection to anything spiritual or otherwise and yet your people swear by them.”

“Kandros! Just ask it something, dammit! You’re driving me crazy.” Sara leaned in closer to him and pressed her fingers firmly against the planchette. “I’ll start since you’re obviously not taking this seriously.” Sara closed her eyes and tried to focus. “To whatever spirits that may be listening, can you please tell me why Kandros is being such a pain in the ass?”

When nothing happened, Kandros just scoffed at her. “Ok spirits. Can you please tell me why Sara seems to believe that a piece of cardboard with a plastic...thing...is capable of contacting you?”

Still nothing happened. “Now you probably went and pissed them off. Ok, how about an easy ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question. Is Kandros purposely trying to annoy me so that I’ll just throw this whole thing at his face?”

“I can answer that one for you,” Kandros replied. He was having fun knowing that he was getting under her skin. “Oh wait...I actually do have a question.”

Sara leaned in closer. “Ask your question then.” It was a challenge.

“Dear all knowing, all seeing spirits...” The sarcasm drenched his words and Sara’s eyes narrowed. “Did Sara use this as an excuse to have some time alone with me because she’s too shy to ask me for a drink?”

Sara’s face immediately turned red and she sputtered a response. “No! That’s not it! Spirits, tell Kandros he’s being an asshole.”

“Spirits, why is Sara’s face red?”

“Spirits, tell him to shut up!”

“Spirits, why is she getting so flustered?”

“Spirits, why did I think this was a good idea?”

“Spirits--”

Before Kandros could continue, they both felt the planchette begin to move. Sara and Kandros stared at the board wide-eyed, as it slowly spelled out “"OMG! Just KISS already!!"

The two of them sat in stunned silence. “I didn’t move it did you?” Sara’s face conveyed pure shock and Kandros just slowly shook his head.

The two of them sat across from each other wondering what to do. Neither of them was keen to make the first move until Kandros’ fingers brushed gently against Sara’s. Sara let her fingers intertwine with his and he took her hand into his. Sara looked up slowly and as soon as her eyes met his, she began to lean forward towards him. Kandros gently pulled her in and wrapped his other hand around the base of her neck, gently cradling her head. His mouth met her lips and the two of them closed their eyes and savored the kiss. They allowed a few moments of contact before pulling away.

Sara looked up at Kandros to find him with a satisfied look on his face. “Alright. I see why your people like these things,” he remarked in a quieter baritone than before. His fingers were still wrapped around hers and he gently ran his talon down the length of her index finger. “I know you promised all sorts of scary things were supposed to happen but I’ll take this outcome over that any day.” Kandros captured her lips in another quick kiss and Sara just nodded in agreement.

#fanfic #drabble #mass effect andromeda #rydros #Tiran Kandros #sara ryder #fryder #halloween prompt #silly thing #first kiss #fluff

[dinacharya]

Chapter 2. aka, Adele 25 therapy

what are tumblrs for if not for ridiculous oversharing and creeping into people’s lives you have no business being in, right? 

disclaimer: it’s a saturday night, 11:45pm to be exact, and i’m 4 hours deep into listening to Adele’s 25 album on repeat. i’ve also micro-dosed. or maybe regular dosed, depends who you ask. For all intents and purposes here, I’m calling it a micro because i very much have a grip even if my trusty wall tapestry is doing pretty things, and I had a very clear intention diving in. 

the tl;dr is that this 25-year old’s solo post-break up trip is a fucking cleanse and this is the vibe I’m fully on right now:

lol so, how did we get there: 

well waking up from last night’s binge smoking, gaming & sugar session (which was honestly much needed - shout out to the peeps who were there for that) didn’t feel the hottest, obviously. but crushed that shit with more sleep and getting back into jillian michaels* in my living room and eating a healthy lunch and whatnot. 

*side note: i’m sure she’s made millions already, but in this era with all the IG fitness models and influencers out there i still think jillian michaels is queen and underrated. 20 mins of jumping around and flailing weights, guided by her via TV is literally all i need to be like woh bitch i’m back. haha. 

now: you know how there are just those random people in your life that perhaps weren’t around all that long or maybe they had an impact on you that you only realized later? or maybe you just never shared with them how much they meant to you, because you didn’t even know. so there are a couple of those i’m going to bring up here (no names). 

starting with one - a friend from my NYC juice bar days, we spent many a wintery days and hours cooped up in that tiny shop kicking ass honestly with grade A difficult customers. she was one of my favorites to work with - so fun to laugh, with gossip with, just share a space with. i have so many fond memories of night shifts there, snow falling outside the windows. people coming in for smoothies at 10:45pm making us wonder what the fuck? 

she was stunning, tall, beautiful effortless skin and bone structure and all that, she just glowed. she was always lifting up other girls around her while shaming herself. i get it, that’s just what we do, that’s what I do. but fact is she was a straight 12/10 no question. anyways, we lost touch. we all know how that whole restaurant went down in sad flames with our owner locked up at rikers (if you don’t know of the psycho saga via vogue’s coverage, and want to hear a first-hand account, that’s for another day, it’s honestly a fun one to tell). so all the people in my life from the restaurant, who were what felt like home to me in NY, kind of faded out with time.

anyways, she’s one of those people for me that still pops into mind from time to time and i just wonder what she’s up to and miss her. so today in my idle morning of moping around, she popped into mind and a quick social media search led me to find her humble page and podcast she’s just recently started - and i ended up listening to a couple episodes because, lord knows i’m a podcast nerd. but i had a chance to hear her story and how much i didn’t know of her background when we were friends back then, and what a light she still was to those around her was pretty amazing.  she did say that her time in nyc was a bit of a blur that’s hard to remember because she was struggling at the time. it hurts my heart to know that, but at the same time i definitely can relate. generally i’d say living in nyc, as a student or not, can feel very isolating and while i have a lot of very vivid memories and recollections, a lot of that time is also a blur for me now the more distance i get from it. 

anyways, so kind of reflecting on all that this afternoon while mozy-ing around in bed was one part of today’s journey. one bit that was also huge was hearing her talk about her overeating/binge & restrictive eating disorder during that time, which is something i’ve tried to vocalize to my friends and family and even doctor but generally isn’t taken all that seriously. when in fact these habits i haven’t addressed are probably the most crucial detriment to my health. it turns out there’s such a thing as overeaters-anonymous. like AA but for people with compulsive eating problems. that’s 100% me, so this was a HUGE discovery today for me that something like this exists. i’m not going to say i’ll walk straight into a meeting this second, but i’m definitely interested. as carly whose lived with me for the last 3 years could easily tell you better than anyone else, i have a hell of a fucking problem and i don’t even know if i understand it fully myself.

part 2:

coincidentally, around mid day I happened to get a text from an old NY roommate, someone I hadn’t heard from in over a year probably, so it was pretty out of the blue. I always perceived her to be like an older sister figure, a funny lady from Malaysia with a heavy accent and a strong attitude, doing her best to fit into American culture, dating apps, heavy into the astrology shit, and all. Anyways, she hit me up because she was concerned she couldn’t find me on social media anymore (quickly resolved) and she mentioned that she enjoyed seeing my DIY stuff on IG stories and that it was serving as inspiration for some future business she’s been envisioning once she gets out of corporate life in Pittsburgh, PA. It was all endearing and sweet. i have heard from friends before that my IG could be turned into something more if i wanted to, but i’ve never had the heart to put more structure to things that just feel like natural parts of me that i want to remain free, if that makes sense. but it’s still nice to know that out there somewhere in pennsylvania the random things i do in my kitchen and share into the IG ether can serve as a little inspo for a roommate from 5 years ago. also it was just a nice reminder to self that in the same way i have these people i admire and root for and wonder about from a distance, maybe there’s room for me to be someone like that for somebody else i’ve crossed paths with. that makes me happy. 

So, part 3: hello, Adele.

i haven’t been shy about admitting the last couple months have been a struggle for me. basically since turning 25. even leading up to the big number, all year really i’d been kind of dreading what this age meant. it just feels like it’s gotta be messy whether i want it to be or not. considering every prior year has been a positive & fairly steady uphill climb, i figured at some point i’d have to pause/break/falter. don’t ask me why, age has always been something i’m glued to. (it’s funny because i don’t own a clock, the one watch i have is tucked into my wedding planner e-kit and only comes out on those days. given my job title and being a virgo and all, time has oddly never been a day to-day concern for me. (those who know me know i am never on time for anything, sorry) but i’ve always been hyper concerned about my age and the expectations (self imposed, inescapable) that come looming with it*. so birthday season usually is just a very introspective time every year where i evaluate where i’m at, the progress i’ve made, what’s holding me back, what i’m proud of, what i’m not proud of. 

*quick side story, the person i’ve dated all year always would say our age difference was nothing. but that statement always irked me because it’s far from the truth. every year 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 i’ve felt i’ve learned exponentially about myself and grown. so yeah, there’s a HUGE difference, emotionally/self-awareness, all that, between 22 and 25 if you ask me. like bless my early 20′s for being stoned fun & shit, but girl’s been putting in work too ya know?

anyways, back on track: come time for my birthday this year i didn’t really want to think too hard about it and just wanted to have fun, and i did! it was definitely one of the more fun/eventful birthdays i can recall. 

but now, 2 months post-birthday, fresh off of a break up, I’m beginning to see more clearly why I pushed all that usual introspective evaluation under the rug. essentially it’s what i’ve done all year, pretending 22 - 25 is nothing, and that all the work i’d done to get here was whatever. i’d taken steps back self-esteem wise, kind of let my work fall by the wayside just as something to do and not something i was excited about (which is more my norm), and i realize i wasnt being present in the right ways to friendships that mean the most to me. All in favor of some shiny beacon of excitement, being sucked into this vortex of conditional relationships*  and “fun” where i frankly just had no place being.

*linked there ^ is a stellar article, when you’re ready for it

THANK GOD FOR MY FRIENDS. seriously i don’t say this enough. I have been FREAKING BLESSED by the people who choose to be in my life. like fuck yo i know it’s FACT i have not been the most pleasant to be around or hear from this year but the true ones persisted and showed me love when I needed it most, were there for me constantly through all the thick of it and still are. like those calls every day just to chat about what the fuck ever, those random “i’m thinking of you’s” and “let’s hangs” mean so much to me in my isolated world of working from home and just being a general homebody type. let me just promise to all of you once i’m out of this present messiness, that I’ll be back on track. i’ve hated being that girl, i’ve heard myself, and i’ve hated it. so while I’ve been kind of MIA morphing into something i haven’t been proud of, thank you to every single friend who’s reminded me there was still something here worthy of your time and your energy and your attention.

*now, much less saving me, I get to start showing up for you guys better too. 

i’ve explained this to close friends before who have experienced it with me - psychedelics are one of my favorite ways to get a grip on my life. of course, i understand their role in fun experiences too, but i’ve always valued it first and foremost as a powerful mind-opening tool. (so naturally, i adore michael pollan’s latest book “how to change your mind”.) when i’m feeling overwhelmed or at a crossroads or muddled, i’ve found it to be the most affective way for me to tune into myself, see things with a fresh perspective, and commit to the choices i need to. 

so having been on a fucking ride with these breakup emotions, knee deep in self-pity, not knowing what to make of the past year, past month, past week, & where i’m at... i was like, 

why the fuck not?

just what i needed on a night to myself to give my soul a fucking cleanse. it’s a convenient weekend to have the house all to myself. read: a good place to be singing at the top of my lungs haha and doing whatever the fuck my single ass wishes all night. somehow along the way, i managed to cook up a pretty A+ tikka masala sauce and prepped a brussel sprouts salad for a dinner with friends tomorrow night, don’t ask me how. i’ve had a spiritual fucking connection to every single song on this Adele 25 album, obviously. idk why it hadn’t occurred to me until doing this that i’m now 25 listening to this album :) so all of this is to say:

Thank you, Adele.

for being a girl i can identify with who marks progress with age, unabashedly tunes into her emotions, and provides breakup comfort like no other. even though i refused to listen to this album until like a year ago

(also can we just take a moment to appreciate that Adele posted this on her own IG profile)

Thanks to those who aren’t necessarily at the frontlines of my life, but have a place in my heart, whether you know it or not, and bring forth some amazing shit or tune in at the right times.

Thank you, most sincerely, to each and every one of my friends that I won’t name here. 

Close and far, you’re the ones pulling me out of a drudge of a year where I lost myself and you’re reminding me what I love to do and who I am and it feels good to get a footing again. 

~ ciao, finally @ 1:43am.

p.s. below is THE picture of what i’ve been like for the last couple weeks ~ can always count on a new girl reference to have my back heheh

*we can also mark this as the night where i FINALLY get over my weird thing about not liking “Hello.” That shit’s a fucking masterpiece who was i to say anything otherwise hahaha

#journal #woh this some reaaal journaling huh haha