#personal ranting

[disregardcanon]

So I know a lot more about American football than the average tumblr denizen, but i’ve been going down a stupid rabbit hole to learn more about specific positions and their roles because of hatchetfield fanfiction. I have to know what Jason Jepson and Kyle Clauger play and what Brad plays in npmd canon when he’s not QB, ugh

#personal ranting #why am I like this?!?? #hatchetfield #npmd

[a-randomblog]

It’s been years since I posted something on this blog but I felt like I needed a place to scream into the void and be seen and heard by no one I know and know that I never actually have to think about it again.

All my life I’ve known that I didn’t experience things the way everyone else does, that I didn’t get things or understand things that EVERYONE seems to know like second nature.

As a teenager I brushed it off believing that it’s the common ‘not like other girls/boys’ and a sense of need to be different even when all I wanted was to be the same as everyone, to find a group of people or even a single person that could fit in with.

I can’t concentrate, I speak too loud and too fast or I move too slow or why am I lagging behind everyone else gets it why not me or how is everyone just able to do things obviously since I can’t I must be lazy or why can’t I do this or this there must be something wrong or I can’t find anything wrong it has to be the way I do things or it’s more than the way I do things it’s a part of me or why am I like this what’s wrong with me or there’s something wrong with me and I’m wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong I’m wrong why can’t I stop it someone help me why can’t I be normal please just let me be like other people please let me be normal I want to be the same I just want to be understood I want real friends I want someone to please help me

And I could never put it into words so no one really got that it was more than me having trouble with school or making friends. I was always told that I was normal and that nothing was wrong with me but I always knew that it wasn’t right.

When I was looking through my life/medical documents I found a booklet about something from my early schooling.

I found out that when I was 6 my teachers brought a surveyor to the school and they said that I most likely had ADHD. The only reason they didn’t diagnose me then was because they weren’t allowed to without my parents’ permission.

Want to know what my parents said to that?

That they were wrong. That I was normal. That all I needed was a push in the right direction and some proper discipline and my bad behaviour would go away. That I just needed to learn that I couldn’t ‘go off with the fairies’ and daydream and that I had to focus.

They knew all this time that I wasn’t normal. They lied to me all these years when I tried to tell them something was wrong. That I was different. That I couldn’t do things or get things the ways others could. They told me I was wrong.

I WAS SIX WHEN THEY HAD PROOF SHOWN IN THEIR FUCKING FACES AND THEY DID NOTHING. I TOLD THEM SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME AND THEY TOLD ME THAT I WAS MAKING IT UP. THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY LIED TO ME FOR YEARS WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY I KNEW IT

WHY DID I LISTEN TO THEM I KNEW THEY WERE WRONG WHY DID I TRUST THEM THEY LIED TO ME I NEEDED HELP THEY KNEW I NEEDED HELP AND THEY DID NOTHING THEY DID NOTHING THEY SAID THEY WIULD BE THERE FOR ME BUT THEY LIED THEY LIED I NEEDED HELP AND THEY LIED TO MY FACE FOR YEARS

And now if I want help it’s going to take so long. It will take at least a year and thousands of dollars I don’t have. I don’t have any diagnoses but I know I have another disorder than ADHD and there were so many signs but they all refused to believe they were symptoms because I was weird or because I ‘wanted to do things that was harder for myself’ and I hate how OBVIOUS it all was

I needed help for so long. I could be so much better right now if I only had an ACTUAL support system. I don’t have the money for any diagnosis and I needed the help years ago instead of having to wait over a year from now because of the waitlist.

I hate this. I’m exhausted. I want help. I just want to rest. I just want to fit in. I want to be fixed. I want to be normal.

I’ve had so many meltdowns over wanting to be normal. Maybe if I was then I could hold an actual job. Maybe I could have more than one friend. Maybe I wouldn’t have to lie to my family about myself and I haven’t even brought up my sexuality that I’m hiding from them.

I want to type so much more. I have years of confusion and anxiety and rage and despair and exhaustion to let out but there’s too much. I’m so tired.

I’m just so tired.

#tw vent #personal venting #tw rant #personal ranting #adhd problems #neurodivergent problems #neurodivergent

[ephemeral-darkness]

Me: I haven't done anything today >:(

Also me: Has done 16 new (fairly large) sketches and is reformatting an entire destroyed sketchbook. Also enrolled back into uni and started preparing for that.

#ffs can't I catch a break for myself? #Personal ranting #Ignore me lmao

[soraka-in-warhammer40k]

Yikes. Here's a lesson for you: don't bother with Warhammer players that are slowly pushing 45 or so.

You see how the 40k playerbase had a bad rep back in the day, because of the very high concentration of "that guy" personalities? Yeah, they never changed or grew out of it, they just developed a superiority complex because they pushed some minis over the table in their teens back in 90whatever. Never won anything official with all that experience tho so... yeah, go figure.

Add to that an Imperial Guard player - which, let me tell you, is in our cultural context somewhat of a red flag? - with symbols on the dice that indicate a certain political leaning and a certain choice of vocabulary that occasionally bleeds through, then you got a clear case of "yikes".

My only takeaway from this? Solar, you Boomer fuck, you buy neither minis or books, your shoddy 3D prints are barely painted, yet for some reason I'm the "stupid kid who knows nothing"? Note that we were also talking about a field I am writing MY BLOODY PHD THESIS IN (Marketing, target audiences, etc.). And apparently I "know nothing". Fucker you do nothing but whine about the company who's product you pirate. You barely know the lore of your own faction, yet somehow your age elevates you to master gatekeeper or what?

Main reason I called quits after one round. Shoved all my tau minis into melee, claimed an "oops" play mistake, and packed my bag. What a waste of an evening. Fucking Boomer mentality, demanding respect for being a bloody amateur for 40 years. What? You want a participation trophy for aging? Fuck off.

Fucking hell I gave the benefit of doubt at first but I'm not sharing the table with a potentially right-wing asshole. You had a 20 year headstart to become a decent person, you had your chance.

#personal ranting #i usually never do this but this is the first time i personally blacklist something i k ow from the club #unless i am forced to pair with the guy in local tournaments fuck no #not gonna degrade my free time with that #warhammer 40k #wh40k

[dreams-of-an-escapist]

I'm only back for only half a day in the bakery

But I'm again reminded that I hated it and was happy to escape our bakery after working there for 2 years.

It's not the worst and I'm pretty sure some people would enjoy something like that

But honestly I hate working the counter.

I just want to sit somewhere and design silly little things and don't speak with so many people T_T

#personal #personal ranting #yes i use tumblr like Twitter #to complain to the void

[actuallyvady]

... well, fuck

Woke up this morning with a sore throat. That happens sometimes, usually a hot shower helps. Today it did not, so I decided on a precautionary test before I went to an appointment.

That line is incredibly faint... but it's there. And while the at home tests sometimes show a false negative, they never do a false positive, that I know of.

I'm angry, because I almost never go out. I went to an art show on Sunday, with my mom. It was indoors, and almost no one was wearing a mask. I could not have gotten it anywhere else, because I haven't been anywhere else.

And I had to reschedule both today's appointment-- fine, they have plenty of availability-- and tomorrow's... which is not fine, they have nothing until the end of January, because healthcare in this country is bullshit. Thankfully, I believe they were able to give me another refill on my prescription so I wouldn't run out before the rescheduled appointment.

And I have people on facebook who are like "oooh, is this your first time? I hope it's mild!" And I'm trying real hard not to be mad at them, because yes, it's my first time, unlike some people I am not acting like the pandemic is over, because unlike some people I have continued to read about it, including the studies about long covid, the increased risks of reinfection, and the fact that covid infections seem to make people more prone to seemingly unrelated health problems. It's my "first covid" because I am still afraid of covid. I'm sorry you aren't.

#personal ranting

[jedimordsith]

It’s hypocritical of me to say, given the crap I have been paid to write and publish online, but it pisses me off that so much of what is published online these days is GARBAGE. 

Case in point: I tried to look up those ozone/ionic vegetable washer devices. (Because, you know, there’s outbreaks of a dozen things right now and my body is already dealing with enough.) NONE of the first 20 articles I found cited any kind of science at all. Zero. Nada. I had to go directly to the NIH to find Actual Information.

To add insult to injury, a bunch of the articles were so obviously “SEO optimized” that they were practically unreadable.  

JOURNALISM USED TO BE AN ART FORM. People used to work hard at it and take pride in it. And now it’s all drivel and trash. UGH.    

#personal ranting #Force forbid anyone take pride in their work any more #RUDE #also in case you're wondering #the NIH says ozone-based veggie cleaners #actually work #and kill nasties on your veggies

[creepygoth666]

Broke one of my favorite mugs, a double-walled glass one with TIE fighters printed on it (It's a Joy Jolt mug, one you can find on Amazon), by dropping another mug onto it while hand washing dishes. All because my hands cramped up and I couldn't close my fingers tightly around the other mug to keep it from slipping. I'd gotten the mug for my birthday last September from my sister, brother in law and nephews.

I'm so angry and so depressed right now.

Hand washing is not a viable way to do dishes when you're disabled. And I can't afford to replace my dishwasher.

#fuck #i fucking hate being me #im so angry right now and so frustrated and so depressed im just #im tired of this #disability #arthritis #carpal tunnel #personal ranting

[dragonagethistle]

Ugh, I wish Cullen's voice actor being a transphobic, abusive piece of shit didn't ruin his character for me. I'd love to throw myself into that romance again but I just can't do it anymore.

#personal ranting #delete later

[makkiroll]

ayayayaya a friend of mine offered to help me with how to make a shaker charm 🥹🥹🥹

can’t find enough merch of the Haitani bros so I’ll just make smth for myself lmao

#personal ranting #completely self indulgent project ahahah #idk anything about merch making except for providing the art for it lmao

[disregardcanon]

working with middle schoolers as an adult and watching the pjo show... i just, have such a different perspective on the "the gods have different rules than demigods do" thing. because that's what adulthood is like. adults have all these strings holding us down that don't make any sense to kids and only kind of make sense to us but we have to follow them or our lives crumble and it's so frustrating to us and to the kids that we can't properly help sometimes and it's just. god. we have so much more power but we can't always use it. the rules are different, but they're there. and they're real.

#personal ranting

[narukyuu]

I don't have my own switch, both of my siblings do - but I genuinely could not afford it.

So I'm right now having a lot of FOMO about Zelda totk

I never really played Botw either

Anyway my brother left his switch at my place so I spent the entire night playing Botw, no regrets.

I still REALLY want my own switch tho 😭

#personal ranting

[pie2dface]

Mannn, more white Wolfwood figures. We're really never getting any brown Wolfwood in Trigun merchandise again are we?

#personal ranting

[givenanicatsomeanimecrack]

SP really did that.......

What even is that episode??? The villain part was well animated but the supposedly regular characters part - we even have BORUTO, THE MC OF THE SERIES - was done terribly.

Tbh, after seeing a slideshow snippet of 246, I didnt really put my hope too high, but Im not putting them at the bottom either. But, today episode is just beyond bad.

Did y'all see how Boruto has improved his kick?? If Funashimi didnt dodge that, he would be dead guyssss.🙂

We are supposed to be served with a good fight b/w Boruto and Funamushi at least but THEY SERVED US WITH A 3 SECONDS OF THE FREAKING SKY WITH A GRUNTING SOUND AS A BACKGROUNDD??!!! And karma went..."right y'alll. My 4 seconds screentime is up. see y'all next time"??!!!!

They also put several still image with background of the characters talking/discussing like...??!!!!!!!!! I am beyond dissapointed, I pause between the scene and cringe along the way. Thank God I am digging this current plot but the animation bruhhh.

DONT GET ME STARTED WITH HOW DRY THAT KAGURA'S FAREWELL IS.

Now, I demand for them to put a nice tribute for Kagura. My main aint dying like that. Even Tenma has a good flashback. Wtf.

#boruto manga #boruto #boruto: next generations #personal ranting #boruto 246 #studio perriot #kagura is dead

[aresstan]

As soon as my next paycheck comes in, after bills I’m ordering one of those bars that lock underneath door handles and make it impossible for someone to get in. Ngl I also wish I had the ability to have a travel dog/companion. Dogs are among my favorite animals and I wanna care for one someday- but it would also be a really nice benefit to have the added security of a dog. Especially because I would prefer a big dog.

I normally never have issues traveling, because work is fairly decent about putting us in safer areas. Most of the time you never have to worry beyond basic travel safety. However in rare instances it DOES get sketchy in some places, and I need to be better prepared for that.

#personal ranting #Odin lectured me so bad with so few words and I deserved it 💀💀💀 #literally was like ‘get your ass inside NOW’ and I zipped right up like ‘yes sir!!’ and bolted directly to my room

[queer-is-future]

so when straight people ask me why I say I’m “queer” or “gay” instead of sharing my actual identity as a panromantic demisexual non-binary sapphic queer I just tell them “ok look, when you’re talking to someone who isn’t local and they ask you where you’re from and you either say the name of the largest city nearby or ‘town name, suburb of large nearby city’ so they can get some geographical context of where you’re located right, bc they’re probably not going to know the name of the little town you actually live in.”

but if you’re talking to a local you can say the name of your actual town bc they have a greater chance of knowing where/what that is.

ok well when I’m talking to a straight person I start with queer bc chances are they aren’t as familiar with the context of all the little towns in that big queer city and need gps (gay positioning system) to find me.

if I’m talking to another queer person and I say I live in a suburb of gay city in a town called panromantic on the demisexual side of the tracks which is in the county of queer and I live off the intersection of non-binary and sapphic, they’d probably be able to find me with little to no problems, make sense?

#personal rant lol #like saying queer or gay is so much easier sometimes #if I say anything else sometimes I get the confused dog head tilt and I’m just like ok ok I’m gay #lgbtq community #lgbtqia #demisexual #non binary #sapphic #lgbtqia+ #queer #panromantic