MJ: Are you dressing up for Halloween? If so, what as?
Peter: I’m stapling my fingers together.
MJ:
Peter: And to answer your question: no I’m not.
#peter parker incorrect quotes
Peter: If you spell skeletons backwards it still spells skeletons
Shuri: Happy Halloween I can’t wait to see some snoteleks
Peter, in his Spidey suit: Guys, we’re out of candy.
Tony: What? Already? There’s only been like three kids.
Peter: Yeah, I know, but one little kid told me they loved me so I just gave them everything.
Peter B: Can toothpaste go bad?
Noir: There is no good or bad. Only power and those too weak to seek it.
Peter B: I don’t think that answers my question, but thank you?
Hair spray
Peter: Welcome to my very first vlog in which I try different hair products!
Peter: [sprays hairspray into his mouth]
Peter: Well, right off the bat, I can tell you this one is not very good
*Tony has entered the group chat*
Morgan: Dad
Peter: Dad
Harley: Dad
*Tony has left the group chat*
Tony: it’s nice that you’re helping teach Morgan English, but can you not do it in vine references?
Peter: i have no clue what you’re talking about
Morgan *from the other room*: I’m a bad bitch you can’t kill me!
peter parker brain during battles : i’m just a kid and my life is a nightmare~
peter parker : i’m just over here having an allergic reaction to everyday life
thor odinson : are you alright spiderling?
peter parker : phtttt of not *eating cereal out of the box with chopsticks*
𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐨𝐤𝐢'𝐬 𝐝𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐞𝐫 (𝐝𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐛𝐥𝐞 #𝟏) ♡
peter: what did you say, sweetheart? when were you born?
y/n: uhm… on 18th june, why? *doesn’t even knows her birth-time*
peter: okay, but which year of 18th june?
y/n: *shaky voice* well, uhm…
thor: *walks in with a bag of chips* oh, my little granddaughter hasn’t been interested in her age since her 400th birthday, parker-boy!
peter: *almost chokes* wh-WHAT
y/n: *looking at thor with anger* that wasn’t supposed to happen, uncle thor!
peter: I-I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT YOU 400 YEARS BUT HOW– *faints*
y/n: oh my god, peter! *lifts peter’s arm*
thor: *taps y/n’ shoulder while walking by* don’t worry, child, he’s gonna get used to it.
Tony: Peter, can you multitask?
Peter: Yeah, I’m actually losing my mind and chillin’ at the same time.
Harley: So I have invented a game.
Peter: Cool! What is it?
Harley: I call it the Alpaca or the Wife. I will quote Tony and you have to guess if he said it to Gerald or Pepper.
Peter: Emotionally, I’m doing the laminated paper wobble sound.
Baby shark
Wanda: Did you know that apparently when you get a song stuck in your head it’s because your soulmate is singing it?
Y/n: Who the FUCK has been singing baby shark at 3 am for the past month?!
Peter: *sweats nervously*
Peter: You know lawn mowers? Vegetarian roombas.
Tony: Go to bed.
Ned: MJ says that you never buy her flowers, is that true?
Peter: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Peter: *kisses laptop camera lens before going to bed*
Peter: goodnight mr FBI man
Harley: The best part of an Oreo is the black cookie part and not the frosting part. Deal with it.
Peter: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side.
Morgan: It’s just a cookie!
Natasha: Did it hurt when you fell?
Peter: From what? Heaven?
Natasha: No, from the bus. You tripped on a step and just kinda laid there.
Peter: …
Wanda: We all saw it.
Confess
Tony: *Sees Peter and you walk into the room holding hands* “So who finally confessed?”
Peter: *with a proud smile* “It was me I made sure it was short and sweet.”
You: “You yelled listen hear you little shit I have feelings for you and it’s about time you acknowledged them…from the roof.”
Peter: “It worked though.”