#please dont take this as aggressive im just genuinely confused | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

feralhogs · 4 years

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1 THROUGH 55 AND 1 THROUGH 30 GO GO GO

LETS FUCKIN GO

tumblr please actually make this a keep reading

55 interesting questions you should drop in someone’s inbox

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

I ALREADY WATCH NETFLIX AND AGONIZE OVER MY STORY

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you’ve own/owned?

MY JACKETS. ANY CHEST OBSCURING, BROAD SHOULDERED, COZY JACKET

3. What hobbies would you get into if time and money wasn’t an issue?

DANCING, ID NEED TO GO TO CLASSES OR SOMETHING

4. What would your perfect room look like?

IM ACTUALLY PRETTY HAPPY WITH MY ROOM BUT IVE ALWAYS WANTED A LAVA LAMP, AND 1800 MORE PLANTS COULDNT HURT

5. Do you play sports?

6. What fiction place would you love to go to?

SINNOH REGION

7. What Job would you be terrible at?

DEBT COLLECTION. I WOULD BE GIVING SHIT TO PEOPLE FOR FREE. I COULDNT BEAR BEING ENCOURAGED TO FORCE PEOPLE WHO CANT PAY FOR SOMETHING TO PAY MORE

8. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would it be?

SERVING. HOW MANY PLATES CAN YOU CARRY AT ONCE

9. What’s the most annoy habit other people have?

WALKING IN MY SPACE BUBBLE WHEN MY SENSES ARE OVERLOADED

10. What skill would you like to master?

A SECOND LANGUAGE

11. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

THE ONE FROM MY DREAM WHERE I KISSED A GIRL DYED MY HAIR BLUE AND WE ELOPED TO BRAZIL TO RAISE SHEEP

12. What’s your favorite drink ?

THAT CHRISTMAS SHIT. PEPPERMINT MOCHA AT STARBUCKS. A FRIEND GOT IT FOR ME ONCE. NOW I ORDER IT A BILLION TIMES.

13. What state or country would you never like to go back to?

I HAVE NOT TRAVELLED MUCH EVER

14. What songs do you have completely memorized?

I DONT REMEMBER LYRICS SO MUCH, BUT I COULD PROBABLY REMEMBER HOW MANY SONGS GO COMPLETELY

15. Are you usually early or late?

LATE. IM GETTING BETTER THOUGH

16. What takes up too much of your time?

GETTING OUT OF BED

17. What do you wish you knew more about?

SWORDS

18. What are some small things that make your day better?

COFFEE. SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING NICE TO ME.

19. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should?

QUEER EYE BUT BY TRANS PEOPLE FOR TRANS PEOPLE

20. Who has impressed you the most with what they’ve accomplished?

YOU. AND ME. ITS GROWTH

21. What age do you wish you can permanently be?

21, SO I HAVE TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON

22. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

13 REASONS, THE BOOK WAS TRIGGERING SO I WONT RISK IT

23. What would be your ideal way to spend you weekend?

TAKING A WALK, HAVING COFFEE, WATERING PLANTS… IM HAPPY

24. What’s something in your life that’s considered a luxury?

I HAVE PERFUME...

25. Is there anything you’re too young/old for?

TO YOUNG TO NEVER DRINK. TOO OLD FOR POKEMON

26. What’s your favorite genre book or movie?

I DONT HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN FOR EITHER BUT I SEEM TO LIKE URBAN FANTASY A LOT

27. How often do you people watch?

I THINK IM SO POLITE BUT HONESTLY, I QUIETLY SCRUTINIZE SO MANY PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN EVERY DAY AND GUESS AT THEIR PERSONAL HABITS AND SELF IMAGE.

28. What’s the best single day on the calendar?

MY BIRTHDAY, SAGITTARIUS SEASON RULES BABY

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?

I DONT KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING PPL HAVENT HEARD OF BUT IM INTERESTED IN BLACK HOLES

30. Do you relax after a hard day?

FOOD. NETFLIX. DECOMPOSING ON TUMBLR

31. What’s the best book or series you’ve ever read?

I HAVENT READ A BOOK I REALLY LOVE IN AGES. HARRY POTTER AND ARTEMIS FOWL WERE MY FAVOURITES GROWING UP, BUT CORNELIA FUNKES BOOKS SLAPPED AND HIS DARK MATERIALS WAS GORGEOUS

32. Where’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?

IDAHO?

33. What’s the most heart warming thing you’ve ever seen?

LUCIFER WAS LIKE YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR BORING MIDDLE NAME JANE AND KNOWS THAT EVERY MURDER BREAKS YOUR HEART AND YOU SIMPLY DESERVE BETTER SO NO MORE MOMENTS WHILE THEYRE HAVING A MOMENT AND CHLOE IS WATCHING THIS FUCKING IDIOT AND IVE WATCHED THIS BEFORE SO I KNOW SHES GONNA KISS HIM AND THEN THEY KISS

34. What’s the most annoying question that people ask you?

ANY SMALL TALK QUESTIONS

35. Would you give a 40 minute presentation with no preparation?

YES. ID MAKE THAT SHIT RIGHT UP. SKILLS

36. What’s something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

GIVE ME A HUG AND SOME CHOCOLATE

37. Would you rather go Hand Gliding or Whitewater rafting?

HANG GLIDING

38. Dream car?

SOMETHING I DONT HAVE TO WORRY WILL FALL INTO PIECES AT ANY MOMENT

39. What’s something so many people are obsessed with and you just don’t understand why?

STRAIGHT LOVE SONGS

40. What are you most looking forward to in 10 years from now?

HAVING A CAT

41. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but haven’t gotten to it?

DECORATING THE DOLLHOUSE I RESCUED FROM THE BATHROOM

42. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you all week?

IM NOT VERY FAR THROUGH THE WEEK AND I HAVENT ENJOYED MOST OF IT BUT PEOPLE SAYING ADORABLE THINGS

43. How different was your life one year ago?

NOT A LOT DIFFERENT, IM JUST LONELY IN THE CITY NOW, MINUS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP, ONE YEAR ON T

44. What/who would you rate 10/10?

MY CACTUS JAKEN. I DROPPED HIM SO MANY TIMES AN ENTIRE HALF OF HIS SPIKES ARE FLAT SCARS. AND LOOK AT HIM. THRIVING

45. What kind of art do you enjoy the most?

GENUINELY MADE ART

46. What do you hope never changes?

MY T PRESCRIPTION

47. What movie title best describes your life?

I LOOKED THROUGH NETFLIX AND I PICK TWILIGHT

48. What website do you visit most often?

TUMBLR

49. What’s something you’re looking forward to this year?

MY BIRTHDAY

50. What’s something you’d like to unlearn?

FINDING A REASON TO CANCEL EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING

51. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

WALKING BY SOME RUNNING WATER

52. What age would you like to live to?

80. THATS MY MENTAL HEALTH ANSWER

53. What’s something you’re most likely to become famous for?

SOMETHING CREATIVE WOULD BE AWESOME

54. What’s something you’re most likely to be arrested for?

CRIMES

55. What’s something you really want but can’t afford?

A CAT

Lgbt+ ask game

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

I’m even a little shaken by a questioning state right now but for a while I’ve felt the best fit is the androgynous label -- I read a description of it being the purple on a pink to blue scale, both at once but not specifically either one, and something else by itself. I’m also happy with a cryptic masculine grey area. My pronouns are he/him.

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

During the Puberty 1.0 nightmare, I was basically living someone else’s life, and any attraction I felt wasn’t in relation to myself. I felt disconnected from my body and gender and everything too, and I felt a lot of social pressure to experience a certain type of attraction, fit into a certain role, et cetera, and none of these feelings existed in me at all, so I used to identify as ace. When I realized I was trans, I was too caught up in the, transition safely, my life is a lie, stopping dysphoria drama to focus on this, but I had an idea I might be a gay guy judging from my gay creative writing until I caught feelings for a girl and realized this wasn’t the first time that had happened. Some bi positivity and nonbinary rage later, I am reminded that gender is a joke.

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

Yes of course A LOT. Starting with my parents, who do it aggressively and maliciously. And plenty from strangers and customers, mostly after hearing my voice pre-transition. It used to hurt terribly because I was dealing with so much other stuff at the time, and one little thing could be the last straw, so I used to react strongly and harshly, to people you express yourself to anyway. On T, I’ve been so much more chill and confident, and it’s less painful to accept that some people just don’t know any better, although that doesn’t change its effect.

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

I don’t remember, I think it was a high school friend. I vaguely remember texting someone in a bathroom during a crying session at work. My high school friends were all warm and supportive.

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

It was scary as hell. I’m sure coming out (with your gender specifically) is scary by nature because it’s a huge truth to be telling that can really change how the people you love perceive you, for better or for worse, but for me, I’m also thinking with the dread and certainty that my family would be too conservative and potentially dangerous. Coming out to my family was one of the worst, most painful things I’ve ever been through -- being kicked out and laughed at, a lot of drama, confrontations, Bible readings and being ganged up on at odd hours, trying to comfort my mom who took it as her personal failure -- I was shaking with adrenaline 24/7. I think of the “I’ll suffer through anything as long as it has meaning” comment that was about angsty fanfics, but knowing the truth about myself was a source of unshakable strength and it felt refreshing and even triumphant to say, like I was giving myself permission to exist for the first time. I came out a bunch of times, though...

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

My family reacted mostly badly, my sister is a little confused but has the spirit, and my friends have been wonderful.

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

It’s more of a gender thing, but I hate it when people imply that I shouldn’t be on T or are subtly trying to talk me out of it with their questions. After all the disrespectful as fuck bullshit I heard from my parents, I’m tired of this.

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

Zombie apocalypse denim? Gay Layers

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I’m not really emotionally invested in these “ships” you cool kids are talking about. I like canon, age-appropriate ones.

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I’ve never really worn makeup. I brazenly never bothered to growing up, and if it had an effect on me socially, I was too tuned out to care. My sister always wanted to do my hair and makeup, but I wasn’t interested and wouldn’t let her, much to her frustration. I wore some for a musical once though, and I had no idea what I was doing and it was extremely uncomfortable. I felt what I know now is dysphoria and ended up using the lipstick to draw. Another aspect to this is my family forbade it (or my dad made the decision for everyone), not that it made my sister feel less pressured to wear it, so maybe it was some female presentation I could easily get out of. For that reason, I don’t have super strong feelings about it. Not understanding it probably resulted in me feeling left out a lot among my peers.

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

Yes. Before my realization, it was a numb horror I wasn’t consciously aware of, ruining nice things growing up to the point where I feel like I missed out on being a teenager. I remember it as feeling nauseous while sitting in a corner, feeling like none of my clothes ever fit for some mysterious reason. Living with my family in the closet, it defined my life, and I was obsessed with my presentation. These days, it does not bother me on that level at all, except a minor freakout now and then if I get really wild and wear feminine clothes. Or I still feel it in more subtle ways, when I default to customer service voice, or when guys my age are twice my height and I look aaaall the way up at them and wonder what gender they see me as.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

Trust me, I have heard truck loads of dumb shit and the winner is the Gay Agenda is R****a’s propaganda to weaken the integrity of North America. Considering what is happening over there, it was enragingly stupid.

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

I feel like I can be myself around lgbt+ people. I don’t feel like I have to hide stuff or put on a show, and I’m not afraid because it’s familiar territory.

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

Aside from obvious problems like TERFs, ace discourse. Ace people are part of the community if they want to be and that’s enough on that, my skin is already breaking out.

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

I finally went to a Pride event this year! I was surprised it was the first one I’d been to, then remembered my parents discouraged me from going anywhere, never mind to a gay where.

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

I can’t think of many people right now, but Leslie Feinberg seems awesome, and some quotes from Stone Butch Blues are very validating.

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

No. Technically I have been in one, but it was shitty and ridiculous, and basically platonic, and I don’t want it to count.

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

I barely read… I read Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe in high school and it was honestly so precious.

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

Yes. I got kicked out (but then kicked back in again), had my stuff stolen and damaged, was verbally harassed… and I was indirectly fired by an employer, but We Will Never Know Why...

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

Queer Eye! I don’t know of many though, and some important ones, I just haven’t watched.

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

My mutuals :D

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

I’m okay calling myself queer.

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

No, but I did see some drag performances at the one (1) Pride event I went to, and they were jaw-dropping.

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

I’m not sure what this question means, but I decide what fits right by what makes me feel the most alive and emotionally real and in the moment. What makes me feel the most attractive to be honest. There’s a post about dysphoria I saw going around, the things on it are basically what I use to figure things out.

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

I am actually! Not anytime soon, but I’m the responsible type for sure, and judging by the way I love growing plants and being around animals, I’m probably a nurturing person. I actually like kids too, lol, they’re just so high-energy.

What identity advice would you give your younger self?

You’re a boy. Go!

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I think people are going to have different ways of expressing themselves that make them happy, but… I don’t think they should infringe on basic human decency. When I hear “role” I think of acting a certain way because someone told you to, something I want to disagree with on the spot.

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

People move out of my way on the sidewalk and take me seriously now. Privilege or self-confidence… I never want to forget what it used to be like, or get too entitled.

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

That it’s simply living one’s reality. I think that trips up a lot of straight people -- that some people just come like this, and they don’t have to make it fit into their personal identity.

Why are proud to be lgbt+?

Because I worked hard to be alive and happy right now. I’m proud of choosing to get through those rough patches, take care of myself, heal, take walks, cook breakfast, learn healthy coping mechanisms, that was out of love for myself and a defiant conviction that I have a place in this world.

#chatty tag

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keenerparkerstark · 5 years

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All I see is green (5/?)

All I see is green (4/?)

Ship: Harley Keener/Peter Parker

Summary: Peter Parker feels on top of the world! Getting good grades in high school, spending time with Tony Stark (!!!) on his weekends, and at night, he roams the city as the hero known as Spider-Man! Everything changes when a new student shows up at Midtown who seems determined to take it all away from him.

AO3 | FF.net

“Slow your roll, asshole, unless you want some extra holes in that body of yours.”

Harley put up his hands, immediately without turning around, and stopped walking, remembering what Tony had told him about the dangers of walking around on your own in New York. He couldn’t help but glance down at the, most likely, ridiculously expensive jacket he was wearing, which Tony had insisted on buying him. Combine this with his lithe, youthful appearance, and you basically had a bright neon sign over his head that says: ‘Rob me, please!’

“I don’t want any trouble,” he states for good measure, and turns his head slightly to try and catch a glimpse of what his attacker is doing. He barely caught sight of a figure with a hoodie drawn over his cap, casting an impenetrable shadow over his face, with a black-clad arm reaching out to the back of Harley’s head, when he felt a harsh cold pressure to the back of his head, and flinched away when he realised that it was the barrel of a handgun.

“No funny games,” the figure behind him grunted. “Just slowly reach down, take out your wallet and phone and hand them to me. Don’t even think about turning around, screaming, fighting or running away, because I will put a bullet in your brain before you can finish the thought.” Harley shivered, a lump in his throat making it difficult to breath. His hand trembled as it reached into his jacket pocket, and took out his phone, reaching back to hold it out for the figure to take. It was yanked out of his hands without warning.

“Your wallet,” the voice pressed urgently behind him, “and hand over your watch too.” His watch… Harley’s heart skipped a beat as he was reminded of the elaborate smart watch that sat on his wrist, equipped with all kinds of applications and gadgets, and a panic button that sends a distress signal straight to Tony. Of course!

“M-my wallet is in my backpack,” Harley stuttered out, raising his hands up again. “Let me take off my watch.” Keeping his hands in the air to show that he wasn’t taking out anything else, Harley started fidgeting with the claps of his watch. With as much subtlety as he could muster, he pressed the tiny red knob on his watch, which vibrated gently in acknowledgement. Just as he finished unclasping the watch, another voice echoed through the alley, this time from up high.

“You know, most people don’t really appreciate being held at gun point. You might want to stop that.” Harley let out a sigh as relief washed over him, making his knees buckle under him. He knew that voice… He had heard it hundreds of times before in YouTube videos and the like. Immediately, an arm wrapped around his neck in a choke hold, his own hands involuntarily flying up to desperately grasp at the grip, and he was drawn backwards until his back met the figure’s chest. The cold pressure of the gun has shifted to his temple, and he squeezed his eyes closed in fear as he gasped for breath.

“Get the fuck out of here, Spider-Man, or I’ll put a bullet in this fucking kid!” Harley heard a thud as Spider-Man landed in front of them, but didn’t dare open his eyes, his world narrowed down to the metal against his temple and the arm around his throat. He felt the chest behind him rapidly moving up and down as his attacker takes in one panic breath after another.

“Okay, hey, slow down, there’s no need for that.” Spider-Man’s voice had lost its earlier lightness, and sounded almost stern. “I ain’t looking for trouble if you’re not making it. You got what you wanted. Just let the kid go, and walk away.” Suddenly, Harley felt the gun being taken away from his temple as the figure behind him shoved him aggressively, and he stumbled forward, eyes snapping open and only seeing red and blue as a pair of spandex clad arms caught him gracefully. He looked up at Spider-Man’s mask, but it was facing forward determinedly, as he helped Harley stay upright.

“Stay here, Harley,” he spoke firmly, and he was off, a web slinging him to the furthest end of the alley, where, as Harley now noticed, the perpetrator was making a quick escape. He did not get far, however, as Spider-Man made quick work of webbing up his feet, and dragging him by his lower body towards the wall, continuously shooting webs at him to make the robber stick to it.

Harley let out a shaky breath as all adrenaline seemed to rush out of him simultaneously, and he could barely make it to the wall before his knees gave out entirely, dropping down on the concrete below, which emitted a strong stank of urine. He felt tired beyond belief, and wanted nothing more in that moment than to close his eyes, and fall asleep, be unconscious for a while and wake up in his bed in Tennessee by his sister jumping on his bed, and the smell of freshly fried eggs. He didn’t notice when the tears started falling, but soon enough there were wet patches on his jeans where his face was pressed against his knees, which he had drawn to his chest in an attempt to make himself as small as humanly possible.

A sudden presence beside him startled him, but he calmed down when he realised it was none other than New York’s wallcrawler, sitting on a urine-flooded alley next to a crying teenager who felt home sick. He didn’t even say thank you… Harley started furiously wiping at his eyes, and sniffed a few times before he managed to find some form of composure. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but was cut off by Spider-Man, who spoke first.

“I got your phone back.” It was then that Harley noticed the hand that was holding out the phone to him. He took it with a grateful smile, and an unreadable mask with white lenses glared back at him. Say thank you, say thank you, say thank you…

“I’m sorry.” Wait, what? Spider-Man’s head cocked in confusion.

“What are you sorry for, Harley? None of this was your fault.”

“I know, I know, but I should have known better than to- Wait a minute… How do you know my name?” Harley suddenly remembered Spider-Man calling him ‘Harley’ earlier as well, although he had been too out-of-it to notice at the time. Suddenly, the mask was not as unreadable as it had seemed earlier when the white lenses gave away the widening of the eyes underneath. “Uh, I mean, I know all the names of the citizens of New York!”

“What, like Santa Claus, or something,” Harley laughed incredulously, both curious, worried and amused about the situation.

“I mean, would you believe me if I said yes?” Harley just raised an eyebrow in return, slowly feeling the weight on his shoulders lift some more. “Yeah, I figured as much. Okay, so, here’s the truth. Mr. Stark told me about you.” Of course!

“That makes sense. Tony mentioned you to me before too! But don’t worry, nothing about your identity, or anything. Just that you had needed his help.” Spider-Man let out an awkward laugh at that.

“Yeah, Mr. Iron Man and I are what I like to call co-dependant. He needs me as much as I need him.”

“I really don’t, Underoos,” a voice from beside them spoke, uncharacteristically quiet. Both Harley’s and Spider-Man’s heads snapped up at the sound of Tony Stark’s voice, and stared at him as he stood before them, the Iron Man armour only a couple steps behind him, opened up. “I think of it more as a mentor-mentee relationship, where you screw up sometimes, and I try to help you not screw up.”

“Mr. Stark,” Spider-Man laughed, but he was cut off by Harley getting up and launching himself at Tony, trembling from head to toe, the impact of the evening hitting him again at full force at the sight of his pseudo-dad.

“Shh, it’s okay, kiddo,” the older man whispered in his ear, as he pressed him close to his chest. “I’ve got you. I’m right here.” As Harley stood there, tightly wrapped up in Tony’s embrace, a soft thwip was the only thing indicating Spider-Man’s quiet departure from the scene. Distant police sirens could be heard approaching.

“You, my friend, have had the craziest week ever, and that including the one where you were bitten by a radioactive spider and gained superpowers.” Peter groaned pathetically from his position on Ned’s lap, the latter of whom simply ignored him for the sake of stealthing his way across whatever video game he was playing, his hands holding the controller resting on Peter’s chest.

“Tell me about it,” Peter whined. “At least getting bitten by that spider and everything that followed was just facts, you know? This all involves feelings and social behaviour and puberty-”

“As much as you’re my best friend, and I truly sympathise with you,” Ned interjected, as he casually took out at least four other players as he was talking. “I think you’re overthinking this. Be honest with yourself! The answer to all your current problems is right there: just talk to Harley! God knows he could use some friendship after what he went through, and by the way he was hunting you down in school today, it seems he’s really eager to talk to you too.” Peter groaned again, opening his eyes and absentmindedly glancing up at his best friend, who’s full focus seemed to be on the TV screen in front of him. “Something’s holding you back from talking to him though, am I right? What is it?”

What was it? Honestly, Peter wished he could answer that question. Harley genuinely seemed to want to talk things out with him, and after his conversation with Mr. Stark, there was no real grudge that Peter found himself holding against the other teenager. It sounded like the boy was going through a lot, and in his own way, he was standing up for somebody he loved, or, at least, he thought he was. What had happened that evening was intense, much more than anybody should ever have to go through. Peter had been held at gun point more times that he could count, a job hazard, you could call it, but he never got used to the feeling that the person holding the gun could end everything in a split second, no questions asked, no going back. All they had to do was pull the trigger, and it would all be over. Peter squeezed his eyes closed again as his mind flashed with memories of his uncle, lying there surrounded by a puddle of his own blood…

“I don’t know, Ned,” he responded, a slight tremor in his voice giving away his current emotional state. Ned, ever the graceful friend, did not look away from the screen, but dropped one hand away from his controller, and onto Peter’s chest as a sign of comfort. “I want to talk to him, especially after what happened tonight… Mr. Stark will be there for him, but I just want to know if he’s okay, you know? But then again, I wasn’t there. Spider-Man was. And Spider-Man didn’t get into a fight with him about Tony Stark.”

“Having a secret identity is not easy, Peter.”

“I never thought it would be,” Peter sighed in response. “I just want to know what’s holding me back from talking to Mr. Stark and Harley. I want to, I really do, but every single time I think about it, I feel like some freaky disembodied hand is trying to choke the life out of me.”

“Of course, you’re going to feel anxious about it, Pete,” Ned responded, his hand pressing down slightly. “You feel hurt by both of them. But the only way to get rid of that anxiety is to communicate. Hell, even telling them that the idea of talking to them makes you anxious is already better than the radio silence you’re giving now. Harley’s not stupid: he knows you were avoiding him yesterday.” Peter nodded in understanding, letting his friend’s words sink in.

Honestly, knowing that Harley probably wanted to talk to him about something was both dauntingly terrifying and infinitely comforting. The situation was a chip on both of their shoulders, and they seemed equally eager to move past it, but Peter had no way of knowing how. After all, Harley still seemed awfully friendly with Flash, who hadn’t let up on bullying Peter constantly since their last year of Middle School. He doubted Harley could change his mind about that. But not giving him a chance to redeem himself seemed wrong too, and he could almost hear his aunt in his head, telling him to ‘never write of strangers at first sight, because strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet’. Naïve, but not necessarily wrong.

Tomorrow, Peter promised himself. Tomorrow, he would set aside whatever was holding him back, and talk to Harley.

#peter parker/harley keener #peter parker x harley keener #peter parker #harley keener #fanfic #pls share and review

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bythepowerof4 · 7 years

Text

clea and nick and a very confusing two day argument @nickatnightwalker

[during daisy’s 420 dash shenanigans]

bythepowerof4nnnno dont encourage her this is bad

nickatnightwalkerim encouraging her to be distracted byh being queen of something clea

bythepowerof4noooooo i dont think its gonna work like that shell just try harder

or maybe not i dontt fucking know i dont know anything

nickatnightwalkersame my guy but it was a chance i was willing to take on behalf of all of us

bythepowerof4ok sure great fingers crossed whatEVER

we are all sooo super grateful

nickatnightwalkeroh this is worse

bythepowerof4that wasnnt even a goov fucking burn

bythepowerof4that was so LAME and she thinks she s so SMART and i hate her

and i dont wanna talk about it actually how are you

nickatnightwalkeri am

dying

bythepowerof4Great

nickatnightwalkeri would have gray hair by now if it were possible for me to have melanin

bythepowerof4youre not helping though!!!!! uoure engaging!!!!!

noo ok not my business

this is meant to be chill i want to be chill

nickatnightwalkerjus wait till the bowl goes around again

nickatnightwalkeri was trying to distract her you kmnow thats the only way to stop the daisymobile

bythepowerof4thats not fair you know thats not fair

nickatnightwalkerwhat waiting for the bowl or the daisymobile

bythepowerof4Both duh

nickatnightwalkeryes i know, and, also unfair that this is happening on 420 day or our lord and savior snoop

bythepowerof4its not fair that we have to deal with this whether it happens or not wee could just like walk away from the weird passive aggressive blogging ccrcle right now if we so chose

yeah????

because this isnt FUN nickolas it is not

nickatnightwalkeri personally am having a loads of fun messing with ines

you have to dea l with everything when it happens so this is just a thign

bythepowerof4oh cool great youre just as bad fantastic news

nickatnightwalkerok i did no t and have not publicly read anybody out yet to date

i only do that privatley and only when it suits me

bythepowerof4:/

://////

bythepowerof4look at u ur being a dick right niw!!!!

nickatnightwalkeroh what to ines

im screwing with her

shes trying to fight me

bythepowerof4because this is soo the best way to deal with that sort of situation

nickatnightwalkerits just funny idk why shes getting all snaked out of shape

bythepowerof4"hot" you dick????

Youre both being gross now stop it!!!

nickatnightwalkera joke

a JOKE

shes a lesiabn

also just like

bythepowerof4its not FUNNY nick

neither of you are funny its weird and annoying and embarrassing

nickatnightwalkershe wants ot punch me bc i sias d bite me

i dondt really feel like imobligagated to take her seriously anymore

besides shes a shit so no t only is it funny to watch her blow a gasket over the same google image snatched pic i also like pissing her off

bythepowerof4u arent obligated to fight w her either but ur doing that,, a lot

idk

Im not making sense

nickatnightwalkerthis is brely a fight

[nothing until nick sends the photo]

bythepowerof4im not mad at you and im not mad at her so can you not tag team revenge for once in your fucking life

we're having an almost genuine conversation for once without you interjecting to make fun of me and pretend play matchmaker for shits and giggles so can you please, please cut it out

nickatnightwalkerim not making fun of you

nickatnightwalkerif i was making fun of you itd be a lot meaner

you should be flattered i even considereed encourragign you to go for daisy

[next day]

bythepowerof4hey!! how are you feeling haha, is ur hair still going grey

bythepowerof4im not trying to act like nothing is bad btw i just wanted to start it off nice sorry :/

nickatnightwalkermy hair's moved past being gray and now it's black, so im inadvertently copying misha again

bythepowerof4lmao this is some goth power play shit love it

nickatnightwalkerwhite haired twink is out 2008 gerard way is in

bythepowerof4as it should be!! do you need eyeliner like i don't have any but it would really make the Look

nickatnightwalkerwhy would i need that when i have dry erase markers to just apply liberally to my face

bythepowerof4so resourceful?? pinterest diy that shit

bythepowerof4we can raid the art rooms, get some glue while we're at it and cut a big chunk out of your hair gel budget

nickatnightwalkerdanger with that is potentially overgluing and making it fragile and breakable like glass

bythepowerof4glass bones and paper skin and glass hair also. got it

i mean youre pretty protective of it already i doubt anyone would notice the difference!!

nickatnightwalkerevery morning i break my legs getting out of bed

bythepowerof4do your heart attacks put you to sleep bc i know that feeling

nickatnightwalkeryeah thats why i sleep like four separate times a day

bythepowerof4and i thought that was just a #relateableteen thing

bythepowerof4so not to be weird but is this like. Chilly lackluster banter or are you actually not mad at me

nickatnightwalkerno im pissed

bythepowerof4ok

can i ask why

nickatnightwalkeri mean well first ya came at me for fucking with you which

like i said

i do but it's obvious

then you were a shit to daisy

thats that

bythepowerof4iiii mean. you said you wouldnt do that anymore. and then you did. i was just upset

and im sorry about daisy, i told her that too

bythepowerof4like really sorry!!

i just think its weird that someone can say, threaten to kill her and call her a bitch all the time

and youll date him

but i cant get a little upset when we're all high and im having a super stressful few days!!

nickatnightwalkerdo what anymore

bythepowerof4fuck with me

about her

nickatnightwalkerim not

i havent been

bythepowerof4you did though

bythepowerof4like what else was that picture

nickatnightwalkeryou said she was weird and creepy and i sent a picture of her being cute and sweet

bythepowerof4i said she was ACTING weird and creepy which objectively is an accurate description for someone talking about throbbing tentacle dicks and using the word "quivering" in relation to the nether regions of the girl they beat up for fun

but like, what do i know

i dont think shes weird and creepy and thats not what that photo was about im not an idiot

nickatnightwalkerlisten i frankly think everyone needs to reserve their judgment on the moire and daisy situation because it's clearly very complex and beyond the comprehension of mortal men and none of our fucking business to judge one way or another and, yknow, imho, moire has gills and misha smells like magic and youre 4d so maybe also reserve your fucking judgment on who's weird around here anyway

bythepowerof4i know thats why i apologized

nickatnightwalkershe can say shit like that and still be cute and sweet

bythepowerof4but like i said, high and upset and still getting used to this, so u can forgive me for one slip up surely

nickatnightwalkershe contains motherfucking multitudes

bythepowerof4thats not what you were saying though!! you didnt say that

you sent me a picture trying to make me jealous or something, just like she was saying, because obviously i cant have a private conversation with either one of you

nickatnightwalkerif youre jealous thats your problem

bythepowerof4im NOT

you both keep acting like i am thats not fair!!!

nickatnightwalkeri wasnt youre the one who's fixated on it

dont believe i ever said the j word

bythepowerof4i didnt either!! she did!!!

im not fixated on anything i just want to be able to talk to you without you making it about her all the time

nickatnightwalkerweve occasionally talked about more than daisy im p sure

bythepowerof4:/ you know what i meant

nickatnightwalkerwell this IS about her whether you think im continually screwing with you in some single minded attempt to torment you or not

and im not a fan of someone who says theyre her friend telling her shit like that

bythepowerof4i said SORRY it happens ok!!! i feel really awful about it why do you think i was so upset yesterday?

nickatnightwalkeri dont know dude i was baked

bythepowerof4i didnt know that specific thing upset her so much bc no one gave me a rule book for this shit and im never gonna do it again

nickatnightwalkerok cool

im also deciding rightnow this second i dont care if you believe why i sent the picture or not because youre so dead set on me trying to fuck with you ill never change your mind

and for the record

damians never called her a bitch again

nickatnightwalkerand if he tried to kill her, id be more concerned about scraping enough of him up off the sidewalk to fill a bucket

bythepowerof4youre not even gonna try to understand why i might think that

like i could tell you if u gave enough of a shit to listen yeah

nickatnightwalkeris poor self esteem and daisys difficulty with dropping her persona not the right answer

bythepowerof4not quite but thhanks

for that

nickatnightwalkerthats usually what it is

bythepowerof4ok just. Listen for a sec without jumping in to insult me yeah

bythepowerof4the two of you like, obviously tell each other everything. like u straight up reference shit shes obviously told u n vice versa

and that makes it weird cause it feels like im never talking to just you and thats why its weird when u bring her up bc its like, why wouldnt u just tell her whatever i say!!!

bythepowerof4and u keep saying i have a shot w her and telling me how to impress her when i just wanted to brag about winning chicken it didnt have to be a THING u know???

bythepowerof4but like!!! if ur saying that then she knows and it makes it weird!!! like you do that even when you said youd stop and then she accuses me of being jealous of moire and then you immediately send that picture and u can see how i might think it was a fucking team effort

yeah?????

bythepowerof4its weird and intimidating and im not even friends with her i was obviously fooling myself about that but i thought i was friends with you

like not youtwo as a unit or whatever fake setting me up

ok im done but that was stupid so whatever

nickatnightwalkerwell like 1. i dont tell her everything

i know hard concept but just because we talk about a lot of shit which is, yknow, what one does with friends, it doesnt mean we talk about everything

nickatnightwalkerfor instance: didnt know she said you were jealous of moire

bythepowerof4ok

bythepowerof4i believe you im obviously not that big a deal for u guys to bother talking abt me fine

but u can at least see how i might think that given ur whole thing is acting like ur joined at the hip and ganging up on ppl

u know

nickatnightwalkerwait do you want us to talk about you or not clea

nickatnightwalkershe was upset so she told me, i was pissed so i gave you photographic evidence

of the contrary imean

if i know everything about her then when i say youve got a shot i really think im in the best position to be calling that

bythepowerof4thats the problem!! Bc i clearly dont have a shot we dont even talk that much bc i dont even know how to talk to her and that makes it seem like ur pulling it out of ur ass!

nickatnightwalkereither i know everything about her or i dont make up your mind truong

bythepowerof4youre missing the point ok

nickatnightwalkerif the point isnt me giving you the run around to fuck with you not sure what the point is then

bythepowerof4oh my god

nickatnightwalkeris that not literally what you just said

bythepowerof4that is youre just getting bogged down in dumb shit im saying!!

nickatnightwalkeror dyou have your planes in a knot over us telling each other things like, information, like, sharing information about our lives

bythepowerof4stop that i dont give a shit about how the two of you act i just want you to get that its scary!! and it makes it hard for me and you expect me to be so good at this that the second i fuck up youre coming at methis hard

nickatnightwalkerof course i am shes my best friend and youre her friend so it's way worse than some rando ragging on her

bythepowerof4youre MY friend youre like my best friend here because im a fucking mess and youre getting personal about this and its upsetting me it doesnt have to be this intense???

nickatnightwalkerhurting daisy is always gonna be personal clea

nickatnightwalkerand i get you apologized and thats cool and that could be that but to the best of my fucking understanding im not giving you false hope and tbqh honestly, to be honest, actually, youre a decent fucking person and i have a strong preference that daisy go on coffee dates with someone whos not gonna knock her teeth out of her fucking head

bythepowerof4youre that invested and youve never said a single thing to her about it??

do you see how i might come to doubt that

nickatnightwalkeryeah and what the fuck would i say sorry but your weird hate crush kinda gives me the heebs have you ever considered not acting on that and trying to be relatively normal and healthy instead

bythepowerof4so what i have to do everything

nickatnightwalkeridk if youve noticed this but she doesnt really know what shes doing a lot of the time when shes talking to people so you know how i was talking about effort:: reward? thats where that comes in

bythepowerof4thats not fair

you could have just told her that thing you just said instead of pinning the work on other people without even telling them

nickatnightwalkergenerally speaking i try not to reveal daisys weaknesses to new acquaintances

bythepowerof4thats still not fair

do u even like me or are you seriously just trying to set her up with the least murderous person here

nickatnightwalkerif i didnt like you i wouldnt care if you were the least murderous person here

besides i dont get how you think us talking to each other is weird but you expect me to run interference in every single one of her friendships like, hey, just a heads up, shes got trouble finding the off button on the snarky attitude

like hell wingmanning you is pretty much the limit of what i can justify

bythepowerof4i dont expect you to do anything ive told you plenty of times that that shouldnt be your job

youre the one whos apparently been trying to invent a friendship where there isnt one?? forgive me for feeling kind of skeeved

nickatnightwalkeri was under the impression that you WERE friends

not sure when you stopped being friends actually

i KNOW shes doing her best to be less

bad

around you

bythepowerof4:/

nickatnightwalkerwhat

bythepowerof4i didnt wanna say "relationship" tbh bc there definitely isnt one of those

nickatnightwalkeroh haha relatable but look

i saw something good happening there with regards to daisy makin a human connection and i was trying my motherfucking utmost to encourage it

bythepowerof4ok but. its not a genuine human connection if youre there right

thats not very organic its just uncomfortable and confusing

i appreciate your help i guess but it was clearly more for her benefit than mine and that doesnt feel great?

nickatnightwalkerim not like lurking behind coffee machines im not actually THERE

and of course it's more for her benefit i didnt even know you

bythepowerof4i mean the second it went south you were, there, actually,

oh wow

thanks

nickatnightwalkerman youre not gonna pick me over like, your brother or something i dont see how this is shocking

besides

daisys

a good person to be friends with

bythepowerof4i mean sure but im still a bit caught up in you picking me out of a lineup like oh theyll do!!

nickatnightwalkerwhat line up

she likes you

bythepowerof4ok this part for once is not about her

well a little bit but listen

i thought we were friends because you thought i was nice and wanted to be

aka nothing to do with daisy

nickatnightwalkerwell like

yeah

that kinda helped your case though i guess

bythepowerof4no im sorry but that makes it weird

bythepowerof4that you befriended me for her sake and the second i pissed her off you trashed me for it like all im good for is bringing out the good in her

thats stupid??

nickatnightwalkeroh my god you have terrible reading comprehension

step 1. we got to be friends

bythepowerof4ok we're back at insilts great!!!

nickatnightwalkershhh just shhh for like a second im breaking itdown alright

step 1. we got to be friends

step 2. you and daisy are also sort of friendsish

step 3. i encourage this shit because shes trying and youre pretty alright

step 4. youre yelling at me for leading you on and befriending you to like lure you to daisy or some shit because i apparently just psychically knew you were ok

dont remember if we started talking because you were already talking to daisy so i figure that says something

bythepowerof4thats not what you just said but fine

bythepowerof4if im so wrong about all of this then im sorry for misunderstanding

nickatnightwalkerno it is what i just said

being friends with me first helped your case re me backing you up since i knew you werent a dick

bythepowerof4fine!!! ok i get it i just apologized

i cant help not getting stuff sometimes i figure u would get that being friends with daisy and all

but youre just saying all thise mean shit to upset me and not even feeling bad about it apparently

nickatnightwalkerlisten i really hand to god dont know what things youre talking about right now

doing it for daisy over you? like

i knew you enough to know youre alright but daisy is daisy

bythepowerof4ok well yesterday, for one, with the "you should be flattered" bullshit

bythepowerof4and u were fucked so i would forgive that in a second if u bothered apologizing

or maybe the picture, which like, whatever your intentions were clearly was pretty hurtful

or anything about low self esteem, treating me like a melodramatic idiot,

any of that rally

nickatnightwalkerim gonna address these in order

bythepowerof4unless ur adress contains a sorry i dont care

ive heard ur excuses and thats great but thats not how this works

nickatnightwalkerlike

nickatnightwalkerugh jesus cut me some slack im not exactly a social guru here either im sorry about the low self esteem comment that was genuinely not meant to be douchy and neither was the picture even though i sent it because i was pissed

that was more of a look youre wrong kinda thing but i get how with daisy saying you were jealous that looks way harsher than i thought it was so im sorry about that

bythepowerof4even in context of like, just our previous convos i think that seems pretty harsh but yeah

thanks

i appreciate it for real

nickatnightwalkerand like i cant in good faith apologize for the you should be flattered shit because regardless of the situation daisy is daisy and in the interest of transparency im never gonna think anyones good enough for her but like i said she was willing to make an effort for you and i knew you were ok so

bythepowerof4oh my god

nickatnightwalkerwhat i honestly dont get why youre so shocked i prioritize daisy

bythepowerof4im not but you dont,, need to, for one

u know you didnt eed to compare us at all

and no offence but if youre trying to convince me you like me as a person and not just bc im convenient

saying "youre ok" as often as possible is NOT reassuring

nickatnightwalkeroh what

well first obviously i had to since you were getting kinda messed up over me doing thing for her not you and second of all i dont mean Ah Yes, You'll Do..... i mean youre ok

bythepowerof4that hadnt happened yet u just brought it up out of nowhere

nickatnightwalkernot bad

bythepowerof4it was douchey

nickatnightwalkerno you

you said it

ill scroll back if i have to but you said me doing it all for her felt bad

bythepowerof4yeah and it does fyi but u pulled that "you dont deserve her" crap last fucking night

if youre gonna continue a fight u started high at least read the backlogs dude

its clearly on ur mind if u brought it ip for no reason

nickatnightwalkerit wasnt for no reason it was because she was upset you called her weird and crazy

i didnt pull this shit from the void

bythepowerof4" you were getting kinda messed up over me doing thing for her not you" this hadnt happened yet thats all im saying

u cant even keep your excuses straight

i didnt compare us and you decided to and that understandably made me feel like shit

nickatnightwalkerwell goddamn you pulled the receipts it's certainly not like i couldnt have misunderstood what particular thing you were referring to

bythepowerof4i only did that bc u tried to make it about something else!! i get why u were mad at me but youre trying to make me look dumb its not fair!!

nickatnightwalkerim not trying to make you look like anything believe it or not

sometimes i too am capable of misunderstandings

bythepowerof4then why dont you ever say sorry for them

ive messed up like a dozen times in this convo alone and i said "sorry i misunderstood" ur just

id unno its going in circles and its dumb bc i just want you to not be mad at me

nickatnightwalkerbecause im too busy trying to tell you im not framing you to look like a tool

bythepowerof4and i said i believed you

but youre acting like im an idiot for thinking it at all

nickatnightwalkerdude im not

like i dont know what im doing thats making you think that but im sorry?

bythepowerof4i told you!! over and over!! and you kept making it into something else!!

literally read what u just said and tell me it wouldnt make u feel like an idiot

nickatnightwalkerwhatever sorry i compared you and said you should be flattered

bythepowerof4whatever

sorry agan for being a dick to you last night, bc i admit i was, and to daisy but ill take that one to her bc its like, Our Business

whatevers dont count and im tired so, till next time i guess

nickatnightwalker i said it after you upset her but before you apologized and pretty much would feel that way if donald glover himself came to her door

#ooc #IM #nickatnightwalker #well this..is long

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flame-cat · 7 years

Text

idk why im making this but its fun, maybe some fahc writers can use it

note- since im making these notes to fit into fahc-verse, i use she/her with jack. more to be added... uh... whenever

asset seizure and firewall protection

almost immediately- gavin calls money "bundts." ryan immediately understands what he means :25- jack points out ryans fish tank is broken. ryan insists its supposed to look that way, and that jack doesnt understand art :47- ryan insists everyone try on costumes. michael is the only one not upset about his fashion choices 1:10- gavin admits that "none of these outfits are more douchey than what i usually wear." michael agrees

1:50- michael explains jack is replacing jeremy. gavin says he feels sorry for jeremy. michael says "you feel sorry for him, but thats not stopping you from joining." gavin agrees 3:20- "michael, you wanna fistfight on the helipad?" gavin says, with no prompting whatsoever. michael nonchalantly agrees, but says he cant make it up there, and suggests gavin jump from the roof to the lobby below. gavin does so. jack immediately runs at gavin and punches him in the face. michael joins the brawl against gav soon after. gavin loses. ryan, meanwhile, just sorta lets them have their fun 5:20- gavin: "because this is the vehicle that most, closestly, resembles, my face, can i drive it?" *referring to the "nose car"* 5:30- ryan expresses discomfort at the others' revealing attire. michael jokes "you know you want it" 5:54- gavin: "oh, jack, nice pair of tits!" jack: "oh, thank you! ive been working out" 6:10- *no prompting* gavin: "oh, dude, im jumpin' out!" ryan *nonchalant*: "why?" jack: "bye, gavin!" gavin: "wheee!" ryan: "dont die this time." 6:20- ryan: "its on hard. cause we're hard... core." 6:35- gavin *confused and slightly disappointed*: "i dont think theres anyone to shoot" 7:05- michael: "oh, ryan, youre in the coolest spot" ryan: "yeah, no, this is the death spot" michael: "yeah, youll die, but youll look cool doing it" 7:15- jack *a little sarcastically* "good thing we all have body armor on" *everyone but michael laughs* michael: "i do..." 7:40- *gavin nearly flips the car, everyone yells* ryan: "gavin! this is why we dont let you drive the car!" michael *nonchalant*: "its ok, im still hangin on" noteworthy throughout- everyone appears to cringe and make distgusted noises at civilians being hurt, but laugh at the same time in a grotesquely fascinated way 8:40- *gavin crashes, everyone falls off* gavin: "ive found the first road block" ryan: "didjya??? is it your driving skills??" noteworthy- ryan always appears most peeved at gavins lack of driving skills. michael usually takes it in stride noteworthy- jack is usually the least vocal in times of crisis 9:20- gavin expresses pride in taking out some trucks and cars. ryan is preoccupied with the fact that he was shot multiple times. michael, indignant, says he "was bippin" noteworthy- michael and ryan tend to argue in times of crisis. its usually michael who starts it 9:40- ryan abandons the vehicle in favor of shooting people on foot, unhappy with gavins driving. he passes it off as "being able to shoot better" but its a thinly veiled passive aggressive jab at gavins apparent unconcern for his friends wellbeing noteworthy- ryan is the king of snark 9:45- gavin sends a car flying into the river, and cheers and hollers. michael nonchalantly says "that was actually... the was pretty awesome." he doesnt seem sarcastic 9:45- meanwhile, having said nothing this whole time, jack is on foot trying to actually complete the mission, probably aware ryan is also, but not with him. she launches an explosive and sets it off, very close to ryan, who appears alarmed. jack just intones "thats me dont worry," and ryan just responds "ok" and doesnt bring it up again noteworthy- jack likes to get things done on her own. so does ryan. ryan and jack appear to have a silent agreement not to get in each others way. ryan appears more forgiving to jack when/if she screws up noteworthy- gavin is always the first and loudest to react to things. ryan follows close behind, more agitated than elated, michael next, and then jack, who mostly seems peeved noteworthy- ryan always gets most agitated with gavin, but its usually when gavin comes close to hurting him noteworthy- though they go off on their own a lot, they keep up constant communication 10:20- ryan: "oops, i shot gavin a bit" gavin: "ah, thats alright." ryan: "dont die. nobody die" *sounding strained* 10:50- not planned, but ryan and michael end up on loading, gavin keeps cops off them with the truck, jack is on foot doing the same 11:40- ryan: "uh, probably someone else should drive... since gavins gonna have to hop out and get drugs" gavin: "nah, ill hop out when we get there" ryan: "...okay" 11:44- unprompted, michael checks to see if ryan is ok. which he is not. short while later, michael mentions hes not doing much better, to which ryan expresses a small amount of concern. no one else comments 11:48- michael falls out somehow. gavin just laughs 12:10- jack: "woohoo! bye, fuckers!" noteworthy- michael seems very subdued here 12:13- michael mentions inevitable failure. gavin: "dyou think we will?" *genuinely suprised* 12:25- michael eggs gavin on as he crashes into and flips cars. he then remembers that he should probably be doing something about the cops behind them. jack agrees, apparently not paying attention either 13:10- gavin makes zooming sounds as they drive off. this appears to be something he does a lot. no one else comments on it 13:35- *approaching a road block* gavin: "dude, which one should i hit?" ryan: "ALL OF THEM!" 13:45- everyone else yells in excitement. michael just seems a little shocked and says, a little louder than usual: "oh my god they fucking exploded" noteworthy- ryan is usually the one to remind the others of the task at hand. jack is content to ride back seat, and gavin and michael are busy being... well, them 13:50- michael *shooting cops*: "bipbipbipbipbipbipbip" gavin: *mimicking intense chase music* the others dont make a comment on it noteworthy- ryan and jack seem content to just let michael and gavin be weirdos without really paying attention to it 14:20- michael freaks out about being shot and dying. ryan, slightly panicked, just tells him not to die over and over again. it doesnt work noteworthy- when gavin asks a question, michael is quickest to reply. ryan is right behind him 15:00- gavin, probably realizing its only fair, asks if anyone wants to drive. ryan accepts after giving everyone armor noteworthy- while jack always gets pinned as "team mom," its more ryan than anyone else. jack tends to just do her own thing. i imagine she would be an excellent mercenary, since she tends not to ask a lot of questions 15:40- jack is not sitting very lady-like 15:45- everyone: *freaking out about to crash* *make it out ok* michael *calmly*: "we're good, we're good." it should be noted he's driving noteworthy- if we're assigning familial roles, then michael is the big brother 16:00- gavin falls out. michael says sorry through his chuckling 16:30- ryan: "its a linear plowing apparatus." what a massive dork 17:00- when jack laughs, theres no holding back. you wanna talk about cancer-curing laughs? right behind geoff ramsey 17:15- gavin is usually a step ahead of everyone else when thinking of ideas. when it comes to focusing on the present, though, he gets caught up in his own head noteworthy- gavin is always the first to admit when he's lost control of a situation noteworthy- ryan never outright rejects anyones ideas, almost ever. if he does, he usually provides sound reasoning, or is joking 17:30- gavin: "oh, i felt bad about that. a cop landed after your smash and i just executed him in the head." no one comments 17:55- roles are switched now: ryan is on foot as a mercenary, michael is doing the same in the truck, and gavin and jack are getting the goods. noteworthy- gavin uses birght fuscia weapons far more than gold ones 18:40- jack is focused and nearly kills ryan 19:20- gavin starts singing. jack boisterously joins in immediately. jack then goes on to talk about something he watched recently, and gavin seems interested 19:55- the truck nearly tips over. everyone freaks out briefly, but once the crisis is averted, gavin and jack immediately go back to their conversation. it should be noted michael is driving 20:20- this time the truck does flip over. michael runs over gavin accidentally. gavin doesnt seem perturbed, though, even when michael apologises. seconds later, he even comments that this "might be the best mission yet" noteworthy- gavin doesnt appear to care a whole lot for his own safety 21:20- jack starts singing. this time gavin joins in 21:40- gavin: "this is, like, fast and furious material. did they ever have one of these?" ryan: "uh, they shouldve" noteworhy- ryan appears to always have some sort of heavy weaponry on him. no one comments on this noteworthy- they discuss team responsibilities while theyre doing things. absolutely no planning whatsoever: they "work" on the fly 22:20- gavin panics about dying. ryan, again, helpfully tells him to "dont die, dont die, please." remarkably, this doesnt work the second time either

#achievement hunter #fahc #fake ah crew #michael jones #gavin free #ryan haywood #jack patillo #pheo notes fahc #<--- tag for these posts i guess #in the life

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

Text

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more.

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya.

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else.

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah.

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds.... ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other.

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks)

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!) anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until. yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...) ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess)

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade.

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh.

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.)

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me) but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that....

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that.

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it- idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk.

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first) i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” )

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it.

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is?

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work

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sick-kun · 6 years

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Sick-kun Chronicles: ch.5

I didn’t want to write this today, but fuck it. I reread all the other chapters for the first time in a long time and it inspired me to fix 5. It’s been so long since I’ve written in that style, so I felt my first drafts of 5 and 6 felt forced. 5 doesn’t feel forced anymore. So here ya go

Chapter 5 aka MORE TIME SKIPS >Alright, so its been a year and change since the events of chapter 4.5 (currently writing this on Feb 12th, 2018) so im gonna just give you guys the important shit for Ch.5 and admit im a liar and give you a ch.6 just so it makes more sense >March, 2017 >Things have been getting more Rocky Balboa between D and S >I rarely see D since she recently got a good job working for a cruise company as a sales woman. I'm focusing on finishing up school, since I was close to getting my bachelors and now working internships and time consuming porjects. >at most, have seen her 3 times since 4.5, but everytime we're still all playfull and flirty between each other >feels bad/good man >One Thursday night, im sitting sitting in my room playing HOTS because im a huge faggot and I love bad games >For the sake of immersion, my rooms changed a bit. I still have my big ol bed, but got rid of the headboard so its pretty much just a matress on wheels, for the sake of making space. Plus I have a desk for my computer and 2 monitors. Nightstand still there, so is the dresser. >Lets continue >I'm running through ranked, but stuck in Silver Hell because I love bad games UNTIL >Random call from D. Random because at this point, she only calls me in case of emergencies. >"Hey anon, whats up?" >I can hear from the background noise that she's either at an event or a restaurant, so its got me curious to what she's calling me for. >My clackity clacks (Fuck I love mechanical keyboards) stop so I can find out >"Hey D, im just STUDYING at home. whatre you up to?" >she doesn't need to know about my bad gaming habits >"I'm at a bar with my coworkers, I've been talking about a smart friend all night and they want to meet you. And I miss you anon, so come?" >its been a while Snake, huh? >Im a little conflicted >Brain: "...you're so close to gold, play ranked instead faggot" >Solid Snake:"GO GET PUSSY FAGGOT" >They both have valid arguments >"Yeah D, one second, I'll head over now" >Never makes it to gold >Get to the place where the bar is and D meets me outside. about a 40 minute drive from my house and I hate going to areas where I'm unfamiliar of where I'm at. >She immediately comes up to me and pulls me to her like a Thresh hook once I find her >(fuck you, I like mobas) >Its been a while since ive seen her, so her same scent and warmth all came back to me. >lust guage appears on screen >Bar is packed, sportball is going on >We hug and she leads me by the hand to meet her coworkers, her smiling the whole time >5% >We get to the table and I get to meet her 3 coworkers. 2 chicks on one side of the table, both fat and unnatractive, and one dude on the other side who looks like he’s in his mid twenties, but I immediately start getting beta vibes from him >I'm an alpha now, I can sense those >Spoiler: he's a beta. Not a threat, he has a longtime gf >3% >I let alpha anon take over when i introduce myself: firm handshakes to beta worker, kisses on the cheeks to ladies. I entertain them with funny banter and conversation >Holy fuck I was bored. The only reason I was even trying was to make D happy, but she was, so I didn't mind too much >Join them for a round of shots, have a beer, and just shoot the shit with them >UNTIL >"Hey anon, ill be right back, let me go get S" >S WAS COMING?? >Brain:"WHAT?" >Solid snake:" fuck nigga" >ugh, not a surprise, but just unexpected. I dont want to deal with her >So S gets there with a friend(1/10. No personality. Most likely reading this story) and as S sits down she gives me that petty white girl hand wave. I could tell she was thinking "Hi bitch" when she did it >I smile back and said "Hi" >I had all the capacity to flip the table on her >I didn't flip the table on her. > I regret it >S and her papermate friend join in on the convo with us at the table, and funny enough, D and S are not getting along >Coworkers dont really know whats going on, papermate has been sitting in her seat wordless, and S and D are throwing Russia v. USA level passive aggression towards each other >I'll best you today, thot >S glares at me every few seconds >Casually make eye contact and don't break until she looks away to argue with D >Not today >decide to diffuse this three-way loathing by asking D where the bathroom is. Atleast to give a break from this uncomfortable tension >D ends up walking me towards it to also take a breather. Obviously, she's stressed. >I take a quick piss and wait for D outside the bathrooms >Important to note: D at this point was drunk. She was already tipsy when I got there, but she wasn't "Let me down this bottle of vodka" drunk, but more like "Anon could've been ranked gold right now but i made him come here to watch me argue with my gf, so let me drink that away" drunk >As im waiting, I hear something from the women's bathroom going on >D and S come out of the bathroom arguing, and D pushes the shit out of S >DID S FUCKING FOLLOW US TO THE BATHROOM? >TO JUST START A FIGHT WITH D IN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM?!? >Yes >I come between them and seperate the cat fight before it happens. Papermate continues to do a great job as a useless background character as this happens. >D is telling S to just leave her alone and I don't bother getting involed in what the fight was about, it just wasn't the place or time >Thank God the bar was full of people watching sportball, so no one really noticed what was going on >situation relatively diffused >I walk outside with D. Her coworkers were outside to get away from the noise inside, plus the 2 coworker chicks were leaving >Im outside with D, and S is inside with papermate, who im now starting to like to write about >We stay talking with beta coworker outside, who for the morst part is a pretty nice guy, but I still get the vibe that he wants D. D wants friends so I'm not surprised she doesn't notice his offhand vibes. >Beta Coworker:"Hey D, you wanna come over by my place and smoke?" >D:"sure, but only if anon can come" >50% >I go, knowing im not gonna smoke since i wasnt in the mood, but just to be around D since she's stressed and I don't trust Beta coworker >I drive D and head towards beta's house. The entire idea made me unhappy since this nigga lives by my neighborhood >Which means I just drove 40 minutes to a bar, to then drive back around my area, and then drive back to that bar to drop off D at her car, TO THEN DRIVE BACK FUCKING HOME >oh yeah, S left with papermate. I like Papermate >D and I head over to beta's house and gossip like girls and talk shit about S >More so me talking shit about S >We stop by a nearby gas station to get some Dutches(the best bluntwraps) for the weed-ing >We step out of my car and D immediately starts holding my hand and grabbing onto my arm. The whole "interlaced fingers and head against my shoulder" and all >HNNNNNG.jpg >We get inside just like....it was a really warm feeling. We walk up to the clerk, still hands laced, and I ask for the Dutches. >Clerk smiles through the whole transaction >Clerk:"you two are a lovely couple" >HNNNNNG.mov >Me: "Thank you" >69% >We walk out of the station and get back in my car, where D grabs my hand again >I look at her and give her hand a squeeze, just trying to comfort her. I know where the position I am in her life is...and its so confusing. I could just stare into her eyes and be happy that I actually made her night a little better, because imagine if I didn't go. She would be stuck with beta, would've gotten into a fight with S that could've ended worse, and....yeah lets stop >I know its random, but looking back, I don't hate V. I was jealous of her back in highschool because she was with the person I wanted to be with...but now is different >I have genuine disgust for S >and yet >its funny, you ever think one of your favorite memories is just holding hands with someone in a gas station, getting complimented by the clerk saying that you two look like lovebirds? >it was like a glimpse into the future? or maybe, just a moment I wish I could've froze in time >oh yeah, D and I are still making eye contact. I was lost in thought then(like now)....but her eyes are OP and always bring me back to consciousness >Please nerf her in the next patch >My hands move almost by instinct and brush her hair out of her face, then run along her jawline >75% >My brain:"Kiss her" >Solid Snake:"Kiss her" >I kiss her >I lean in and my lips meet hers. Time can go by between her and I, but damn, it still felt as good as the first time I kissed her >Her lips were tender and soft. I've missed this feeling and I could't help but want her moar >What started out as lips touching quickly turned into tongues being reacquanted...She knew my every sensitive spot, and you're darn skippy I knew hers >Things got hotter. I went for her lips for a light bite, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to hear her breathing heavier >Her thighs shuffle and point towards me, the sound of the leather seats in my car giving it away >Is it just me or is making out in the front seats always kinda awkward? >She started to suck on my tongue, teasing me every second by moving it deeper into her mouth. I pulled back every so often, just to hear her let out little moans of satisfaction when I licked her lips >I reached for her hips and pulled her a bit closer to me, her left leg now nearly completely over the shift(awkward positioning, told ya). My fingers moved now to her thighs, and even through jeans, I could feel how soft they were >Her breathing got heavier and her moaning was more constant, just more fuel for me to run my hand closer between her thighs >My penis is adamantium >95% > D's hand makes it way towards my lap >96% >Seems her hand was looking for something it wanted....can't guess what >and im so tired of this story trope, but I'd be a liar if I said it didnt happen.... >HER PHONE GOES FUCKING OFF >I SHOUL'VE THROWN THAT COCKBLOCKING CUNT OUT THE WINDOW YEARS AGO >mfw I realize this story is about me vs a cellphone >but honestly, I was out of it at this point mentally, not by the phone call, but by what I felt. My boner was at the point of going even further beyond an ascended super saiyan, but fuck, I never thought a phone call would be the reason I wanted to commit a murder >Yeah, its fucking S >I try not to listen, but I catch bits and pieces and figure it out from D's replies >"Ummm Anon....I want to go home soon. like really soon" >"What happened? whats wrong?" >I knew, but I asked, just to see if it would help with the situation >"...S is worried about me now over the fight...I need to go talk to her. Let's still stop by beta's house to smoke...I just want to calm down before I speak to her" >10% >That distressed voice that I've been so accustomed to hearing >It still fucking breaks me >"umm yeah but D, what about your car?" >"Ill go get it tomorrow in the morning..." >0% >Lust guage dissapears off the screen >i guess this is where the older me takes over. I wish I could tell you every detail of how pissed I was, but I just felt the younger me took control and let waves of calmness wash over me . >I didn't want to yell at her for going back to some fucking idiot who has no respect for their significant other. >I didn't want to stress a situation not involving me directly with my own feelings >I didn't want to be selfish at that moment, I just wanted to help her through it >"well if you want to go...then yeah...lets go" End Ch.5

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stardustandcatpaws-blog · 7 years

Text

five

It has really been a really long time since I have written anything. I noticed, right now actually, that my self esteem has been gradually getting lower since I stopped giving myself compliments everyday. I will start again tomorrow. However, right now, this writing session is for reflection.

About 6 months ago, I had a stalker. Almost immediately after/in the midst of dealing with my stalker, I got an emotionally abusive boyfriend. 4 months after that, I found out I had a pretty sever ulcer and cancer and broke up with my boyfriend. 1 month after that I got a surgery to remove my cancer, incurred a lot of debt from surgery, loans, taxes, etc., met the man of my dreams (or so he seems now) and have had approximately ZERO time to reflect and deal with all of it. SO, here it is:

The stalker (he has a name but it makes me sick to think about him so...), was a guy I dated who lived in a city, approximately one hour from my current city in Korea. We met through a language exchange app. I wanted to learn Korean and he wanted to learn English. After a few times of language exchange he asked me on a date; he seemed nice and charming so I said, yes. We dated from May to July, last year. He was a nice guy, seemingly intelligent, good goals (wanting to get further in the police force), healthy, worked out a lot, etc. HOWEVER, I cant tell you what it was exactly that made me question being with him, but my gut instinct just told me to stop dating him. We stopped dating (I cant really say broke up because we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend) and he WENT INSANE!

I am a nice person when I break up with someone: I listen to them, apologize but remain firm, explain my feelings over and over again and I am patient for a few days.... however, with him, I would tell him we are broken up and he would just laugh and not take me seriously. He showed up at my house multiple times, called my friends, spammed my inboxes on every social media. Usually men do that for a while after you break up with some hope of getting back together, however after a couple days you just ignore them and they give up and move on. NOT THIS TIME. I think it took me 2 full weeks to realize I had a full blown stalker. He would come to my house, unannounced, every day. He would leave gifts outside my door and make up fake messenger accounts to talk to me and send virtual gifts after I blocked him. My friend Matt called the police for me 4 times to complain about the stalker because I would go to him crying every time I received another message or gift.

For the first month it was more annoying than it was scary. The police were not much help, as I am an English foreigner and they are Korean police officers. It was quite hard to communicate and convince them I really had a stalker. I think it was one month into the stalking, after the 3rd phone call to the police that I became genuinely scared; terrified actually. He showed up at my house with flowers and a letter. He stayed outside for hours and would message me online saying things like, “I know you’re in there,” “The police can’t do anything to me, I know the law.” We called the police and when they arrived to speak to him in person I thought, finally this will be taken care of. I watched through the window of my friends apartment, the police talked to him for 2 hours. Finally, it was finished! WRONG. Before even getting into a taxi to take himself home, he sent me a picture of the flowers he had bought me and sent me a very long message describing all of the places he is going to take me after he buys a car, where our new house will be, what our children will be like, etc. I knew he was dangerous at that point.

Thankfully, I live in an apartment building with other people I work with so they could tell me if he came back to the apartment. For 2 weeks after the last incident with the roses, it was fairly calm. A message here and there from fake accounts but no in person sightings. I thought he was calming down, but then I received a letter at work. It was a 5 page hand written letter in English, describing every part of my body in detail and things he wanted to do me. There were some really disgusting things he said about me but the scariest one for me was when he mentioned multiple times that he can’t wait until I am pregnant so he can take care of me better. It was quite repulsive. 2 days letter I received 2 more letters in my home mail box. The contents of these letters were similar to the first.

1 week after the letter incident, I was moving into another apartment upstairs because I didn’t want him to have my address. After moving some furniture upstairs, I went downstairs to my old apartment to get another load of stuff and there he was; my stalker just standing in my old apartment. I didnt think he would ever come back after talking to the police. Apparently I was wrong. I still remember the sick feeling I got when I saw him. When he saw me standing in the doorway, he said, “Ill forgive you for calling the police.” In that moment my instincts told me to just stay calm and not make him angry by yelling or running away. To this day, I have still never seen him angry. He has such an eerie calmness about him. He started a casual conversation, asking about my day and I just said I was moving and forgot something upstairs so I had to go get it and we will talk when I get back down. He started following me upstairs and I had no idea what to do but in that moment MY FRIEND WHO LIVED UPSTAIRS CAME DOWN AND SAW HIM. THANK GOD FOR COLLIN! Already knowing about my stalker and what I was going through, my friend and him started getting into an argument. Another friend heard what was going on in the hallway and called the police. He left before he could get arrested.

In the week that followed I filed a real police report for breaking and entering as well as stalking. I had a korean translator (also my friend) at the police station so things went fairly well, minus when the detective working my case asked me out on a date (WTF!). It was finally over, or so I thought. It takes time for someone to be charged and arrested so he was free to do as he pleased until the police got around to taking care of the situation.

2 weeks after I filed the report, my frisbee team had a tournament in a city named, Pohang; maybe 2 hours away from my stalkers city. I played a few frisbee games that day and I was at the field for approximately 5 hours. I checked my phone when our tournament was over and there was a message on my instagram from a random account. The message was 3 pictures of me during the tournament, playing frisbee and a, “I will join you soon.” I was quite confused... maybe it was him? Maybe it was a joke from a fellow player? I walked off the field to find my stalker talking to the frisbee league organizer. He was trying to join frisbee!!!!!!! I was so shocked. I just blurted out, “What are you doing here?” Of course the reply was just a calm, “To join frisbee.” At this point I honestly could not handle it anymore. I was so scared!!! I cried a lot and went to find my friend Matt to fix it (he was on the same team as I was). Matt went and found my stalker and the organizer. After an aggressive conversation, I’m told, my stalker was banned from all frisbee related things. Again, I went back to the police station in Andong but nothing could be done because the other charges were still going through.

In the end Im not exactly sure what happened... I know he had to pay a fine and go to jail/do some community service. I know when they first mentioned jail time to me that he would get out in April or May... Maybe that is why I have been thinking so much about it all lately.

Being stalked by him has changed me in a lot of ways... I am scared to walk alone at night, in fear that he may be around the corner. I am scared to be in my apartment alone because I know it’s not that hard to break into someones house if you really wanted. I quit drinking when the stalking first started because I felt like it could put me at extreme risk. I just don’t go out partying anymore. There may be a time when I drink again, but it will not be in public. I found it extremely difficult to trust people before, so now it is almost impossible.

Immediately after the stalking, I met a man. I talked about him 2 posts ago. I didnt realize it at the time but I think I just needed to be with someone to make me feel safe. It is quite ironic because thinking about it now, he is the LAST person who would care about my well being. I mentioned before, he is a narcissist. Not a narcissist in the sense people use nowadays in regards to selfishness, but a real narcissist. Having already been in shock, and not even having started recovery from my stalker, I dived into this relationship and I just believed every stupid, abusive word that came out of his mouth. There was one point when I thought we would get married. (LOL!) And then, after 4 months, I realized I was in an abusive relationship and left. I covered some of the details in another post.

After the stalking and the break up, I went to the hospital to get some tests because my stomach was quite sore. Turns out I have an ulcer and had cancer. I got surgery to get the cancer removed so that’s taken care of, but being 25 and hearing you have cancer is not fun. It is quite scary. Also I felt quite alone dealing with it. Of course, I have some friends here who have offered to go with me to appointments and listen to me when Im sad - I am truly grateful and love them for it. <3 But its still tiresome, going to all of the appointments in different cities, different hospitals, spending money you dont have, translation, etc. I considered quitting my job at one point and moving back to Canada for a while to decompress but I quickly dismissed that thought because the thought of moving anywhere with cats, canceling a contract, and flying for 33 hours just didn’t seem worth it. SO! I acted like I usually do: said the bare minimum to people about my situation, pretended like I was ok, made a few cancer jokes and moved on. Not the healthiest way to go about things but what else am I supposed to do ?

You get to this weird point (currently mid-twenties for me), when you realize as everyone gets older, they tend to focus their energy on themselves. They have their own problems, so they focus their energy on their problems and don’t get too involved in your own. As they should! I have come to the realization that no one has to care or help me deal with my problems other than myself. I know for some people this is quite an obvious observation... However, I am the kind of person who will take time out of my day to sincerely talk to you about a real problem and help you find a solution. I will be with you until the very end, using any resource or energy possible to get you through it and to make you happy again. When I found out I had cancer, I was kind of angry when people didn’t show the same kindness to me that I would have/have shown them in the past. Instead it was met with a lot of, “Well ya, my uncle had cancer,” or “Ya, that sucks.” Even I remember trying to tell some people about how alone and sad I felt and the reaction was that they offered to help or that if they were in their home country they wouldn’t have their family with them so they would also be alone, etc. I was quite upset, thinking about how dismissive my friends were to me for talking about my feelings with regards to my cancer. Thinking about it now, however, I should not have been upset with people. I think everyone has a certain capacity for the “shit they can deal with;” few people, like me, can deal with a lot of problems (my own and other people’s) and still be sane (well kind of LOL) and other people deal with just a regular amount of problems. Upon reflecting, I am happy to have friends I can at least share my problems with. I can’t expect anyone to be sincere every time because, let’s be real, I HAVE A LOT OF “SHIT” XD. Maybe at that moment in time, the dismissive reaction was due to them dealing with their own problems and using their energy in a healthy way. It is a good thing. I can learn from them. One of my major problems is always using my energy on everyone and everything, except for myself. The more I grow and the more problems I have, the more I learn that I really need to help myself heal first before I help everyone else. Much easier said then done!!!

AHHHH. That was such a great therapy session. Im going to take a shower, cry, do a face mask and sleep for 10 hours. The last 5 years I have quite extensively focused on my past and have done MANY therapy sessions in order to heal my mind. All of a sudden, right now, I feel like it is time to close that chapter and focus on the present and future. I just FEEL like I have completed something. Tomorrow is going to be a great day! <3

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