#please forgive my mistake and please enjoy the artwork in higher definition

[vpinspirations]

God’s New Beginning

It had been five months since I heard anything from you, my dearest love, and I was beginning to dread God's insight on comprehending that our lives would no longer be intertwining anytime soon.

Journal Entry: November 8, 2012

Father, I failed you. I have already made a few bad choices in finding comfort from other men and marijuana just so I could erase the hurt of what it really feels like losing the one man I have loved. I don't understand how it is fair that after everything I have done for him and with him that this would be the way you would allow things to end. I mean, are you not hearing my prayers? Are you not seeing my wants and needs? Do you not see how much I love him? How desperately I wanted to be his wife? Then again, why would you focus on my needs and wants when all I have done was place my selfish needs above your needs and wants for me. Especially, when I am having a hard time not doing things I know I should not be doing (all because I am too scared of letting those strangulation's switch over to surrendering the chains in my heart to your captivity). Truthfully, I have been overly selfish. I have never given you my full heart nor have I trusted you with it either. Look at me Father, I am a mess! I can't even keep my own promises to be faithful to myself and my body all because I don’t want to feel anymore. What a failure I have been to you and when it comes to looking up with dignity after my ex-boyfriend dashed out of my life like a coward, leaving me to look down at myself for who I have become. This year has already been about healing, learning, making mistakes, trusting and abiding by your word and in your word. I know I have not been the most innocent angel and I am pretty sure I have disappointed you in shameful and unfathomable ways by the way I have been behaving lately, and the choices I have been making just so I could consume the loneliness I have been feeling. It's been hard without him. Then, on the other hand, slowly, I am beginning to see the victory in knowing what your love can really do and will do if I only follow your path and believe that you DO have great things planned for me - even if I cannot see the road ahead of me. I guess I felt like it was easier taking the sinful route than to cope with the reality of where I have allowed the enemy to bring me to emotionally and mentally, then to dive straight in to your hope of grasping that "someday" you will come and rescue me so I would never feel so alone again. I miss him, father. I enjoyed the good days I had with him, but I also grew up during our bad times and chose forgiveness every time. You know how hard this is for me to move on without peace, and I know you will continue to know how hard it is going to be for me to take this first big step onto the road of recovery, so please don't leave me. At least not yet. Trust that this journey with you has been forcing me to not miss him as much as I used to. I honestly never envisioned I would make it to this point! So, instead of complaining about where you don't have me, I will begin to take this time to pray for him instead. Since it really is the only way I will ever get close to him again. Since you have decided to separate us to reveal the plans you have for me. I pray he is happy. Even if it is not with me. I pray that you are providing for him. Even if I am not the one providing for him. I pray you are protecting him and surrounding him with nothing but encouraging people who will direct him to your path - even if I cannot be the one to save him. I am asking you that you will lead him to a great church that will change and inspire him to become a better man so that you can continually transform his life for your glory. Even if you have to use another woman to do it. I promise I will do my best to be happy for him. I do pray that you will send him a woman who will love him to an immeasurable extent that I never could. I pray nothing but great things for his life, and I wish nothing but great things for him. I pray that when he is down you will lift him up. I pray that when he is up you will lift him up higher. I pray that when he is lost you will show him your way. I pray that when he feels alone you will show him your love and comfort him during those difficult times. I pray that when he misses me or thinks about me Lord, that you will give him the provision to know that I am okay. You are taking care of me. I pray that if he ever regrets letting me go the way he did that you will remind him of your peace in knowing that your plans are always greater than our plans. And show him immediately the great plans you have for his life. Even if he feels disappointed, ashamed, or displeased with himself. Please let him know (and show him) how much you love him and how very proud of him you are. It's in your name I pray. Amen. I know you will provide me with the right man Father! Actually, I need to trust you in that department, pretty badly. Usually, I always feel like my choices are better than yours because I can get what I want, so definitely help me to trust YOU more! And forgive me for the eight years I spent with my ex-boyfriend sinning against you with sex, drugs, adultery, alcohol, lust and for a man, I loved more than you. That was not the path I intended to lead. Please forgive me for the blindness my mind was leading me to in thinking he was the one for me. I see now that your love for me is much broader than I ever imagined. From this point on please help me to forgive him every instant I think about him, yet give me the confidence to be open enough to allow love, real love, godly love, into my surroundings and into my heart. Your word says, "Forgive them. For they know not what they do." Luke 23:34. Help me to live that out during this time in my life where I have to let my dream of marriage go and live in the reality of your world.

                                                         ### 

By this time, I was no longer doing anything to push you back into my life, using whatever I could to reverse you back to me or lowering myself to your standards of love, just so I could keep you. Although, grasping life without you was intense for me to wrap my brain around (especially after you expressed your love to me), I knew there was no other way I was going to survive the reality that there could potentially be someone else for me if I didn't choose to move on. Especially, when trusting you wasn't working out. Your failure to say goodbye to give me closure forced me to see that it was all about the stretch in accepting God's new beginning over my life, and how exactly I was going to take this route of facing the possibility of never having you in my life again. Was I going to trust you, or was I going to trust Him? I don’t think you fathom the majestic intensity I felt when my healing process began without the face-to-face departure I prayed for from the time you instantly stopped talking to me in July of 2012 to November 8, 2012, when I wrote the journal entry above. I truly do believe November was when God really swooped in to make sure I ONLY leaned on Him so that there wasn't anybody else I could give thanks to during this healing process or our relationship. I like how Keion Henderson, Pastor of The Lighthouse Church, put it. He said, "The reason God wants to put his hand on you…He doesn't want anybody else to touch you so that when you finally become great nobody else has fingerprints on you. So when God does the forensics of your life nobody will be able to say, 'If it wasn't for me she wouldn't have been there'…God will leave you all alone so you have one testimony. If it had not been for God in my life, I would not be where I am." (You can find that sermon here at "The Pressure of Being Gifted"). I had to put you out of my heart and place my heart in the hands of the Lord and trust his perfect plan over my life. All the while, God had another man coming this whole time! Even when he knew the condition of my heart. It was in that light-bulb moment when I realized that sometimes in life decisions have to be made, or else the life God intended for one to live will drastically be missed. And I didn't want to miss out on life anymore all because you couldn't figure out where you wanted me in yours. I truly hope you know and understand that I never meant to hurt you in any way. I was just disappointed in you. I thought I deserved more, I thought I was worth more, and I thought I meant more to you because you were everything to me! However, on December 14th, a little bit over a month after I wrote the journal entry above, God's greater plan began unfolding and I met the man who would one day ask me to marry him. The man I said say yes to, and the man who appreciated the artwork of the broken pieces I had to put back together without you.

(To read more click here >> Written Pages”)

#exboyfriend #heartbreak #forgiveness #movingon #love #faith #hope