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dailymeruem · 4 years

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Royal Guard Nomenclature

You might know the Royal Guards for having some creative names, and if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably read HxH Wiki trivia on where the names came from. However, I haven’t seen any comprehensive post getting right into it, so lets have some fun research time and look into the origins of the Chimera Ant Royal Guard’s namesakes and how they might have affected Togashi’s characterizations of them!

While i’m trying to keep everything as brief as I can, this will be a longer post so if you want to gain some knowledge and kill some time, read on! I’ve linked sources throughout the post for further research!

Naming Origin Sources

All three of the Guard’s names - Neferpitou, Shaiapouf, and Menthuthuyoupi, respectively- were chosen by the Chimera Ant Queen prior to their birth in the story. They are mashups from two sources - Ancient Egyptian mythology, specifically the pantheon of traditional gods and goddesses, and a French children’s book series entitled Caroline et ses amis (Caroline and her Friends) written by Pierre Probst.

The Guard x Egyptian Gods

In Ancient Egyptian life, people worshiped a large number of deities which represented natural forces and phenomena (sunlight, life, childbirth, etc). The people regularly offered sacrifices and performed rituals to please the gods so that these forces would continue to function according to divine order (ma’at). Each god or goddess had complex relationships, characteristics, and symbolism associated with them. {x}

Neferpitou x Nefertem

The first half of Neferpitou’s name, “Nefer-”, is derived from the Egyptian deity Nefertem. A very ancient god by Egyptian mythos standards, this god is associated with the lotus flower, as he was believed to have emerged in a water lily from the primal waters at the creation of the world. He also represented the first sunlight and the lovely smell of the Egyptian blue lotus. Nefertem is usually depicted as a young, beautiful man, and sports titles such as “He Who Is Beautiful” and “Water Lily of the Sun”. {x} {x}

In HxH, Neferpitou is the first Royal Guard to be born, which ties in nicely to Nefertem’s being a very early god born from the creation of the world as well as being associated with the first sunlight. As for the beauty aspect, Neferpitou’s androgynous appearance could play into this factor, as some gods in the Egyptian creation myths were depicted as androgynous.

Nefertem’’s mother is often credited as being Bast/Bastet, the guardian goddess of cats, or Sekhmet, the warrior goddess of healing (both goddesses are often considered to be two aspects of the same goddess). These goddesses are both depicted with cat or lioness heads, and so Nefertem is often depicted with a lion’s head or as a lion. I needn’t say more about this tie to Neferpitou! Aside from the cat aspect, Sekhmet’s being a goddess that both goes to war and heals is reflected in Pitou’s dual nature- both a ruthless killing machine in their own right and with their Terpsichora ability making instant armies, and a reliable healer using the Doctor Blythe ability, showcasing a compassionate side. {x} {x}

Shaiapouf x Shai

Shaiapouf’s Egyptian name component comes from Shai, which, interestingly, is not so much an entity as it is a concept- the deification of the concept of Fate. The name Shai is usually translated as “that which is ordained”. This god was said to determine the span of each person’s life; he was with each person at their birth and remained with them through their life until their final judgement in the underworld (duat). Shai would offer the true life story of the individual at their judgement, and could either protect or damn them. This deity has so much power in the Egyptian mythos that even pharaohs and other gods were subject to it. {x} {x}

Now, although Shaiapouf as a character doesn’t have an omnipotent power over fate, the concept of fate runs really strong in Pouf’s characterization. Pouf, along with the other Royal Guards, was present at King Meruem’s birth, and intended to stay at his side throughout his whole life, guiding and protecting him. This is a role that Pouf seemed to take to heart, almost to an extreme. As we know, Pouf saw the King’s destiny of becoming the ruler of the world and dominating all other species as being absolute, and began to actively work against the Guard and even the King himself when he began to stray from the fate that Pouf had “preordained” for him. Going so far as to attempt to kill Komugi, who was the most important person to the King, Pouf’s actions, although out of a motivation to protect the King, would have been damning for the King had he succeeded.

Shaiapouf’s nen ability, Spiritual Message, gives us a hint as to his namesake as well. The god Shai hid nothing from Osiris (god of the underworld) at the final judgement of that person’s life, and so does Pouf’s ability allow him to see the absolute truth about a person’s emotional state by reading their flow of aura. This gives Pouf the ability to come to conclusions about that person’s personality, thoughts, and possible course of action, seemingly allowing him to predict their “fate”. {x}

Also, this may be a trivial fact, but Pouf has the habit of ending his sentences with, “That’s all there is to it”. A very final and fateful statement indeed.

Being a concept, Shai is neither male nor female, but is more often depicted as being male. In this form, he is often said to be married to Renenutet (cobra goddess of child rearing who gave newborn babies secret names), or Meskhenet (goddess of childbirth). These three are often depicted together which gives us a definite picture of the cycle of birth and death. {x} {x}

In HxH, after Meruem is mortally wounded by the Miniature Rose Bomb, we get the lovely and terrifying experience of seeing Pouf and Youpi feed themselves to the King in order to revive him. In this scene, both guards are ecstatic as they have ascended to the level of a Chimera Ant Queen and are filled with an unconditional motherly love for their King. The ties here between this occurrence and these trifecta of gods associated with birth and life are pretty strong.

A few final small factoids: The Greek people associated Shai with their god Agathodaemon, a god of fortunetelling that was considered to be a serpent. As well, the word Shai was also an Egyptian word for “Pig”. Thus, Shai was sometimes depicted as a serpent-headed pig, also called the Shai animal. I am reminded of the time Pouf was shown to be able to rearrange his cells to impersonate a certain blind Gungi player.

Menthuthuyoupi x Montu

The final Royal Guard, Menthuthuyoupi, bears the name of Montu, a very powerful and ancient god in the Egyptian pantheon. Montu (also written as Monthu or Menthu, the latter which Youpi uses in his name) originally was a manifestation of the scorching effects of the sun (Ra), but over time this was modified to mean destructiveness in battle, which led to Montu being known as a god of war. He was said to attack the enemies of cosmic order (ma’at).Montu is usually depicted with a falcon head or a bull head. Falcons were a symbol of the sky, and bulls symbolized strength and war. {x} {x}

Montu was often linked with other gods and is depicted as a fusion of those gods. For instance, because of his association with Ra, he often appears as Montu-Ra. Occassionally he is linked to Atum (another creator god) and Set (god of scary natural phenomena and deserts). Over time, Montu was also linked to Horus, a god associated with the pharaoh, and therefore Montu is sometimes seen as being a symbol of a Pharaoh as a ruler and conqueror.

In HxH, Menthuthuyoupi definitely embodies the warlike aspect of his namesake. Being the only guard not made from human genetic material, he is able to act on instinct and devote himself completely to being a soldier for the King, attacking anyone who threatened the King’s divine rule. Being immensely powerful, Youpi was capable of immense damage with his Rage Blast and Rage Incarnate nen abilities. As well, just as Montu gradually evolved over time to represent more complex aspects of life in Ancient Egypt, so too did Youpi evolve over the course of the Chimera Ant Arc, which gave his life new and more complex meaning.

The many forms Montu can take reminds us of Youpi’s unique Metamorphosis ability, which allows him to change any part of his body at will to suit his needs. Youpi’s Rage Incarnate form, in which his body takes the worm of a winged centaur, is a callback to Montu’s two most common depictions; as a Falcon (Youpi’s wings), and as a Bull (Youpi’s hooves). {x}

One of Montu’s wives was thought to be Tjenenet, another goddess of childbirth, which has ties to the event of Meruem’s rebirth discussed in Shaiapouf’s section above.

An interesting tidbit of info is that Montu was sometimes though to be a guardian of family life. He is sometimes mentioned in marriage documents to enforce commitment; infidelity is described as “the abomination of Montu”. While this doesn’t really have anything to do with Menthuthuyoupi aside from maybe reflecting in his loyalty to the King, the next time you feel tempted to cheat on your significant other, imagining a frowning Youpi may dissuade you.

One thing that each Royal Guard has in common with all of their Egyptian namesakes is that all strive to support what they see as the Divine Order using their individual strengths, even if their methods of supporting this order greatly differ.

The Guard x Caroline et ses amis

The Caroline series is a series of French childrens picture books, or albums, written and illustrated by Pierre Probst. There are 44 books in the series, which were written from 1953 to 2007. They follow Caroline, a little blond girl who is independent and active, and her 8 mischievous animal friends, who talk like humans. The series was adapted into an animated TV show titled Caroline et ses amis in 1994, which is most likely the source Togashi got the names for the Royal Guards from (and you can find on youtube!) {x} {x}

Neferpitou x Pitou

Pitou is one of the 8 animal characters in Caroline. Pitou is a panther, and he appeared in a collection called “Les Albums roses” (The Pink Albums) in 1952, which were a precursor to the Caroline books, thus making Pitou the first character of the future Caroline series. Pitou is characterized as being lazy and cunning.

In HxH, our Neferpitou was the first of the Chimera Ant Royal Guard to be born, just as Pitou was the first character that began the Caroline series. Both of them being a cat is also a very obvious connection that both share. While there are other cats in the Caroline series, Pitou being a panther harkens to Neferpitou’s wild nature. Caroline’s Pitou being both lazy and cunning are character traits that show up in HxH’s Pitou as well; we see them exhibit extreme intellect in science, military strategy and manipulation, but at the same time they are the most playful of the Guard and get distracted very easily.

Shaiapouf x Pouf

Pouf is a white kitten that wears a blue bowtie. He is characterized as being elegant, snobbish, and eccentric. He is prone to going on rants about his dreams of greatness, much to the annoyance of everyone else, and he has little quirks such as hating water and the cold.

If it weren’t for the physical description, you might have thought I was describing HxH’s Pouf- he too is elegant, snobbish and eccentric and often goes on long, intellectual rants, which are mostly never followed by the rest of the guard. Shaiapouf is also always wearing a flowy white dress shirt that features a bowtie-like collar which is reminiscent of Pouf’s white fur and bowtie. While Shaiapouf isn’t known to hate water or cold, he does manifest peculiar quirks such as melodramatic monologues and playing his violin when he is upset.

Menthuthuyoupi x Youpi

Youpi (also spelled Yupi), is a cocker spaniel dog. He is naive, turbulent, and a little bit grumpy, but also generous, devoted and affectionate. He can be fearful and prefers staying home to going out on adventure. He really likes being cuddled by Caroline, the main character.

Menthuthuyoupi in HxH displays a lot of similar characteristics to his namesake: naive, turbulent, and devoted are all adjectives you could use to describe him. Because of Menthuthuyoupi’s lack of ego, he is solely devoted to the King and his divine destiny, not bothering to give a thought to other courses of action, which could be a reflection of Caroline’s Youpi prefering to remain in the safety of home. After Meruem’s revival, when Youpi and Pouf share a affectionate spiritual bond with him, Youpi is shown to cherish the new bond he has with his King, just as Caroline’s Youpi is affectionate towards Caroline.

~~~

One thing that all the Royal Guard share with their Caroline namesakes is that both sets of characters unquestioningly follow an independent leader character that they love and support. As well, in the case of Neferpitou and Shaiapouf, their manner of dress is a homage to Caroline- Pouf dresses in a very elegant and frilly ensemble, very French of him, in my opinion- and Pitou’s outfit is reminicent of both an old school French military uniform and a child’s school uniform.

A bonus Caroline homage in HxH: The titular character Caroline is famously depicted with her pigtail hairstyle. A certain blind Gungi player is also famously shown sporting a similar hairstyle.

Bonus Section: Meruem’s Name

Although not containing as much lore as his Royal Guard, the King’s given name can give us a few fun tidbits in keeping with the etymology of the Guard.

As you know, in-universe, the Chimera Ant Queen states her son’s name, Meruem, to mean “the light that illuminates/shines on everything”. His name is very close to the common Arabic name, Maryam (مريم), which has multiple romanized spellings. The most notable use of this name is in Biblical history as a form of the name Mary, who was the mother of Jesus, and Miriam, who was the sister of Moses.

It is thought that the name might have roots originating in the Egyptian language; the words “mry” (beloved) and “mr” (love) are thought to have been derivatives of the name.This root meaning would work in portraying the love that the Ant Queen had for her son, even before birth.

Other scholars have thought that the Hebrew root words “mr” (bitter) or “mry” (rebellious) were the basis of the name in the case of Miriam, as she was born at a point in history when the nation of Israel was subject to bitter slavery by the Egyptians. “Bitter” and "Rebellious” might be words you could use to describe Meruem, at least when he is first introduced to us. {x} {x}

Other fun tidbits: Meruem’s characteristic “neutral” face expression, young and feminine facial structure, and characteristic “cat eyes” is very reminiscent to a lot of ancient Egyptian art. One that stands out in my mind is the famous Head of Nefertem statue, found in the tomb of King Tutankhamun, which depicts the Pharaoh in question as a child in the form of the god Nefertem (remember him?). Interestingly, both Meruem and Tutankhamen were kings that ascended the throne (and died) very early in their lives. I’ll let you look at the piece and notice the similarities yourself!

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And that about does it for all the conclusions I’ve drawn. I hope you enjoyed reading through this and that it prompted you to do some reading and research of your own! Togashi chocked HxH full of fun little references to things in our real world, and it’s so much fun to do a deep dive to find all this trivia. If you think of/find any other fun things too add to this post, feel free to reply/reblog with additions. Cheers!

#hxh #hunter x hunter #chimera ants #chimera ant royal guard #hxh meta #i totally didnt spend 6 hours on this labour day monday no siree #ive been thinking about this a lot so i hope you enjoy!!!!!!!#long post #mod words #meta

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kurokens · 3 years

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Burn traitor | Geto Suguru

anime/manga: jujutsu kaisen

character: geto suguru

words: 2080

notes: hey! this is my first geto piece and it's angst hehe. I had this idea for a while now and I finally found a song that inspired me to write it, the lyrics do not really match the scenario but I still think the atmosphere fits. I think it's one of my favourite I've written, not that I wrote it well because, I didnt, I just like making myself suffer apparently because I love writting angst oops... also sorry for any mistakes english isn't my native language! also my requests are open you can find my rules here.

not proof read

song rec: burn x traitor mashup - Hamilton & Olivia Rodrigo

genre: angst

warnings: manga spoilers, violence, major character death, murder, some blood, i think that's it, tell me if i missed anything

You met Geto when you were both in high school, honestly your meeting wasn’t the most romantic, in fact he saved you from a curse on that day. Before meeting him, you had no idea what a curse was and if anyone told you they existed you probably would have laughed in their face. But unfortunately for you, they existed and you wished you had learned about them beforehand, because this was one of the scariest moments of your life. However, thanks to this unfortunate night you met the love of your life. The one who saved you ended up becoming the very person you would become infatuated with. After saving you, you both started seeing each other, going on some dates before making it official. You both seemed to have what people would call the perfect love, your friends would often tell you that you found your soulmates and you truly believed you did. At least that’s what you thought.

Geto had been sent on a mission a week ago, but he promised he would be back for your 2 years anniversary, he said that no matter what he would always find a way to come back to you. So why wasn’t he here, why were you crying in the arms of your boyfriend’s best friend while he was trying his best to contain his own? Why was he saying Geto left? That he killed his parents and ran away to become a curse user?

“He wouldn’t. He can’t do this, he would have told me, warned me at least.” You cried to Gojo.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to believe it either, but I saw him, I talked to him and he did, there is no going back. He won’t change his mind.” He told you, sadness clear in his voice.

“I need to see him too, tell me where I can see him.”You said, begging Gojo with your eyes.

“I think it’s best for you if you didn’t. He didn’t hesitate to kill his own parents, I think it would be safer for you as a non-sorcerer to just let him go, and maybe move away.” The white-haired man tried explaining, but you could only shake your head at him.

“No! You’re lying, you’re trying to keep me away from him. He would never do this to me, to them. You’re a liar Gojo!” Your cries getting louder with each word, you tried escaping the sorcerer’s grasp but it was in vain.

“I’m sorry.” The young man once again said, still not letting go of your struggling figure. “I can’t let you get hurt more than this, I know this is why he didn’t come back to you, he can’t hurt you. Please listen to me, at least this once.”

And listen to him you did, it took a lot of convincing but you did, kind of. You were feeling a lot of things, sadness, anger, betrayal, but deep down you still missed him. You told yourself that maybe he did want to come to you but couldn’t because he knew the higherups would be able to find him here, you were trying to convince yourself that maybe he was missing you just as much and that he would come to find you later, when they wouldn’t be searching for him so heavily. So you waited, a day, then two, and then three, and soon days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, which turned into years.

It had already been three years, three years since Suguru vanished from your life, three years since he left you behind as if you never mattered to him, as if you didn’t spend two years of your life loving and supporting him with everything you got. Three years since you started waiting for him, hoping to get a sign from him, a letter, a phone call, anything that would tell you he was still alive, and missed you just as much as you did. Yes, of course you were angry, you wanted to scream at him from what he did, but, a part of you still wanted to believe that none of this was true, and that he didn’t do this of his own volition.

It was an ordinary day for you, you were in your apartment, watching the tv while reminiscing about your days with Geto, when a knock on your door interrupted your train of thoughts. Almost like a robot you took yourself to the door, thinking it might just be Gojo checking on you like he had been doing for three years. But when you opened your door, it wasn’t the white-haired sorcerer standing in front of you, no. It was the very man you were previously thinking about, the one you thought you would never see again. You couldn’t believe your eyes, you hoped so hard for this day to happen that now it suddenly became real, you were starting to doubt your sanity.

“Su-suguru?” You eventually let out under your breath after staring at him for what felt like hours.

“Hey…” He awkwardly waved at your frozen figure.

“Hey? Hey??? Is that all you have to say?” You asked dumbfounded, finally snapping out of your daydream. “How dare you? You disappeared right before our second anniversary after promising me you would always come back to me. Three years Geto, you left for three years. And now you come back like nothing happened and the first thing you say is hey? Is that all I’m worth? Didn’t I deserve at least a goodbye? An explanation? A letter? Anything? Do you know what I’ve been told about you? Do know what they said you’ve done?? They said I shouldn’t try to reach you because you would kill me too.” All of your pent-up frustration and anger ultimately getting the best you, and before you could stop them tears were running down your cheeks.

“Look, I’m truly sorry for making you go through all of this. It was never my intention.” The black-haired sorcerer started.

“You’re sorry?” You said incredulously, years of repressed anger finally bursting out. “You think a sorry will cut it? Geto do you know what I went through? I’ve waited for a sign from you for three years. For three years I’ve prayed and hoped that none of what I’ve been told was right. I believed in you, believed in what we had. But now that you’re standing before me all of that hope in you has completely vanished. You don’t even look a bit remorseful for what you’ve made me go through. Sorry? Let me laugh. Are you sorry for the sleepless nights? For the hours spent crying over your disappearance? For the void in my heart that you’ve caused when you left? Are you sorry for the way you broke me Suguru? Are your sorry for the way you’ve emotionally killed me?”

Your monologue left the curse user speechless, he truly was sorry, he wished he could have told you but he couldn’t. He always thought about you, he missed you the most. He wanted to come see you so badly, hug you, tell you how much he loved you, and most of all kiss you, he wanted it so badly but he knew it would only put you in danger, so he didn’t. This is all he wanted to tell you, but couldn’t, he knew you would believe him, and, in the end, this was going to hurt even more.

“I am.” Geto settled on these simple words, he knew it wasn’t enough, he knew it would anger you, but this was for the best, he already made his choice three years ago.

“I can’t believe you. I can’t believe I trusted you, that I thought you weren’t the person people said you became. How foolish of me to have trusted you. Thanks for giving me the closure I needed. At least you’ve done one thing right.” You laughed bittersweetly before reaching for the door and closing it.

“Are you going to do it or not?” A voice suddenly said, holding the door you were about to shut. “This is what we came here for. Remember what you’ve said, this world doesn’t have space for non-sorcerers.”

“I know. I will do it. I just need a moment.” The black-haired sorcerer replied with a heavy sigh which deeply confused you.

“What are you even saying? Stop whatever you’re doing, just leave and let me close this damn door.” You growled, growing annoyed at the fact your door wouldn’t budge no matter how much strength you used.

“So?” The same voice asked, continuing to apply pressure on the door to keep you from shutting it.

“I’m sorry.” Geto sighed sadly, his eyes filled with this same foreign feeling they had before he left for his last mission as a jujutsu sorcerer.

“You already said that, I get it. Now leave.” You insisted, growing scared at your door which wouldn’t close and the look in Geto’s eyes.

“I never meant for this to happen.” Your ex-lover said, bringing one of his hands to caress your cheek.

“What are you talking about?” You inquired, now furiously pushing on your door in hope it would finally close.

“But I have no choice.” The curse user continued, his fingers catching the tears that were still rolling down your face. “I know you will understand.”

“What the fuck are you saying Suguru, get out of here you’re scaring me. I don’t know you anymore. You’re not the person I used to love!” You screamed, hands shaking and still pushing the unmoveable door. “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.”

“I loved you, I always will. I hope we will be able to meet in our next life and finally be together like we were meant to.” Geto declared before bending down to softly kiss your forehead. “I’m sorry.”

His actions stunned you, you didn’t even have the time to process anything before a warm feeling made its way to your stomach. Quite a familiar and nostalgic feeling if you were asked, the same one you used to feel whenever you and Geto were together, the one which used to spread throughout your entire body when he would tell you he loved you. But today it felt strangely different, almost bittersweet, it wasn’t a feeling you ever wanted to feel again, no, this one hurt, this one burned you to your core, this one was killing you.

“You-” You started before a violent cough interrupted you, one that burned your entire throat. You coughed for a minute before looking down at your hand, and to your horror it was covered in blood.

Panic and confusion flooded your mind, you looked at Geto’s face, searching for an answer, something that would tell you what was happening but the only thing you could see was the one thing you wished you could have seen when he first knocked on this door, remorse. Eventually your eyes trailed down your lover figure, until you saw his arms reaching out to you, you didn’t remember that he was touching you. You followed it to find where his hand was, your stomach. Your vision was starting to get blurry, was it the tears? Or were you losing consciousness? You didn’t really know. All you knew was that this warm feeling in your stomach was getting stronger and stronger. You blinked a few times and finally, you could see clearly, Geto wasn’t touching you, no, Geto was killing you. His arm that you thought was reaching out to you, was in fact piercing you right through your stomach. This warm feeling that kept getting stronger, it wasn’t love, no, it was anger, pain, betrayal, resentment. How foolish of you to have believed in him.

In your last moment of consciousness, you told yourself that you should have trusted Gojo, you should have listened to him and moved overseas. You shouldn’t have had faith in Geto, deep down you knew it, you knew it, but it was too late for regrets, nothing could be done anymore, he won.

“Traitor.” You managed to let out before taking your final breath, the world around you gradually fading to black. The last image you saw was the face of your lover, tears-stained cheeks and remorse written all over it, but it was too late for regrets, he picked the world he wanted to live in and you weren’t part of it.

#saturn's writing #geto suguru x reader #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #spoilers #geto suguru angst #jjk angst #jujutsu kaisen angst #geto x reader #geto suguru x you #jjk x you #jujutsu kaisen x you #geto x you #geto angst #getou suguru x reader

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redxblueihateloveyou · 3 years

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Hiiii!!! 💫💕🌸🥳

Can I bother with a question... I was (re)watching that zhang qiling edit (not today) - 'cause it's so cool, btw- and I wondered if Reboot Xiaoge’s your favourite one...? And if you're up to answering, what do you think about the other adaptations? Especially (our small bean) xiao yuliang's interpretation of xiaoge?

🤗🌺💐🐰💕

Hey, my precious patootie hehe ILY it always makes me very happy knowing that you rewatch my vids <3

lol dang it, I was kinda hoping to avoid this question, just because I feel like I'd find it hella hard to explain some things, but I'll try my best and hopefully it'll make some sense xD

I'll start from afar bc I wanna try to explain my reasonings, since I don't want to go without arguments into such highly debated question lolz. I talked about this a bit in my previous asks somewhere, but not broadly as to why that one guy hit all the right spots.

So throughout the books Wu Xie always does this wonderful thing, where he very tangibly describes the feeling he gets when Xiaoge is near, I mean like the aura around him. And he always somehow does it so colorful, that this mix of safety, assurance, calmness, composure and some things I can't quite put into one noun, that he brings to him, I think everyone who've read the books can recognize as this almost magical "Xiaoge feeling". It's not just the way he acts in some dangerous situations or smth like that. It's just everything. You either have it or you don't. And here goes my first argument... to me none of them, except for Huang Junjie and Yuliang have it.

I mean it's not even the obvious stuff, it's like the way they move during the action scenes, the way they even stand and hold themselves, the way they touch Wu Xie, the tone of their voices (both of which are like soothing as fuck), little things you'd think wouldn't matter, but when you watch it and all the puzzle pieces are together, you're like... fuck yeah, thats him.

Also not really that weighty of a point, but to me there's always a joy to see that the actor who plays the character not only gets what's he's playing, but also loves it, bc it's always seen on screen. Usually when some asked about the character they play and what they have in common for example they answer with obvious things like if some character is introverted they're like "well I also don't talk very much" or smth like that, you know what I mean. When I was watching interviews of Yuliang and Huang Junjie I was just smiling so much, bc they've said such things that made me go "yeah, Qiling is safe in their hands".

In Reboot case working in such close proximity with the author definitely also played a huge role here. Bc it kinda gets complicated in some aspects since the books are written from Wu Xie's point of view and you can't only base your picture on his perspective, just bc it's coming from a person who after being basically told "you're my whole world" goes "I'm just a person he randomly passes by in his long life" in his thoughts. Not only he's utterly clueless and dumb when it comes to all this, that he wouldn't notice the way Qiling looks at him and other things, its also not that kind of book, that would go "I suddenly caught poker face looking at me like I'm his whole existence" (and I honestly don't want it to be that book lmao). So you have to take into the account here stuff like what author says to get the whole picture, bc if you look at that from the point of Qiling's view for example, this shit takes a whole wild turn. So I really loved that in UN and Reboot ways of showing Qiling's feelings were well thought out and fit the timeline.

Bc it also works both ways, when it comes to other adaptations. Like Qiling is very and I mean ETREMELY hard to win over. We all know that it was a very long process of gaining his trust and even longer for him to fall for Wu Xie to the point of him being his everything. So what I want in those interpretations is for them to get at which point of their relationships what Xiaoge's behavior makes sense. I do not need any fanservice if it ruins the character, I'll just hate it. The thing that their feelings didn't come out of nowhere is what I LOVE about this ship, bc I'm not the kind of person who believes in "we love for nothing" thing and love at first sight thing (only "got hots for each other" at first sight), bc thats bull. Wu Xie became his everything after a long LONG process of getting to know each other. At the beginning tho he was the same stranger to him as everyone else. So what Reboot Qiling feels for Wu Xie is not what UN's Qiling feels for Wu Xie yet and what UN's Qiling feels for Wu Xie is not what Lost Tomb's Qiling feels for Wu Xie (which at that point was nothing). And I feel like not everyone gets the fact that you can totally wreck the character if you make him behave not the way he behaved in that particular time. Like for example, if someone would make a MDZS adaptation where at the very beginning of their relationships LZ treats WWX the way he treated him after the reincarnation just because "who cares, it's still LZ", that would be dumb af, see what I mean. So Xiaoge having a weakness for Wu Xie in part one is automatically not a Xiaoge to me, bc a huge part of his character and the thing NPSS speaks a lot about is just how IMPOSSIBLE it is for someone to catch his attention and how long it took Wu Xie to get there. So let's just say to me UN and Reboot Qilings for the first time didn't feel like some mashup or character summary/parody, they were Qilings the way they are supposed to be in that part of the story, bc it was the only times someone actually bothered to coordinate it.

Now as to why I prefer one to another. Xiaoge has this thing... the way he holds himself with other people, that is sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally suppressing.

Like everyone knows that if you're a passerby, Qiling genuinely doesn't fucking care and would in fact be pretty harsh about it in terms of treating people like they do not deserve their attention. He won't be like "please, don't bother me", he simply ignored them like an empty space. He is also like that with acquaintances who in his opinion do not deserve his respect like that girl who went hysterical, bc she was upset that he was the only one who wasn't drooling on her like all other men on the crew, Chen Wenjin, Wu Xie's uncles and etc. He's not openly disrespectful unless they trigger him in some way (usually by trying to act superior or later on for not treating Wu Xie right), but if they do, he will in fact remind them their place in sometimes a very rude way, at times humiliating them in front of ppl bc he looks younger than them and talking starts.

He's always doing things on his own terms and hates being told what to do. Like he legit scared Chen Wenjin just with a look and the tone of his voice when he said "let go", when she tried to command him on the mission and grabbed him trying to lecture him about what he should or shouldn't do. That's why Wu Erbai didn't even try anything like this and let him do whatever he needed to do and equally lead the mission in Reboot. And why the scene where Wu Xie 'commands' "Xiaoge, come back" and he immediately listens holds another special place in my heart. Bc he NEVER and I mean NEVER allows such things to ANYONE.

So here I came to a point of why despite loving them both dearly, my favorite Xiaoge is Huang Junjie.

I have this dissonance with Yuliang's version when to me in many scenes it felt like he and Wu Xie are the same age. Like if he was Xiaoge, but in his 20s. In his interactions with Chen Wenjin the dynamics was turned upside down, with him being okay with her telling him what to do and just in general the way she behaved with him. Same as like I didn't always quite believe him to be on par with older generation or even Pangzi, it just felt like he was truly younger than them. Some scenes that I do find extremely cute just don't fit book Xiaoge at all, I'm talking about some moments like his face when Wu Xie gave him food, or him pouting and many things he's done, when you were going "uwu he's a baby". He just never gives me this feeling in the books ever, not just bc he's 100 years old, but sad fact here.. bc he's simply unable to behave that way. Like in the books you'll desperately want to shower him with love, but he's just... I can't quite explain, it's very sad.

I guess it's just you know these characters, who are like hundreds years old, but look like they're 18? I think you have to be very careful with how you write those, so you could deliver that. And in UN because of some changed dynamics and scenes I straight up forgot about it, until Wu Xie threw some joke like "he's an old man" in front of a restaurant.

In Reboot Xiaoge could make Wu Erbai stutter with one move, put Yuliang's version in the same scene, I just don't think it would've worked. Like I'm trying to imagine him telling UN's Wu Erbai what to do and having troubles already haha. Same as I don't think he's capable to be genuinely mad at Wu Xie, and HJJ nailed it esp in one of my fav when Wu Xie was laughing at Pangzi's joke about him catching cold. The look he gave him and how ZYL just retreated was priceless xD. And boy could Qiling get angry with him in the books!

Otherwise I didn't have any drastic fall outs there, like with Joseph's Wu Xie and Ah Ning's death, because that was just too much of a difference, but there were still moments where it was once again this the same scene completely different emotion thing. He was more tolerable to ppl in general here, more pliable. And 50% of the time he gave me the cute lost kitten type, which I just cannot connect with the feeling he gave me in the books. His personality is a cat type 100%, but like seriously "cute baby" is the last word combination I would ever apply to book Xiaoge, but with Yuliang's version it's easily applied. So small bean he is indeed. With Joseph and in UN it works incredibly perfect to me, but the way he is in UN is at times too gentle. And there are lots of scenes where Joseph himself looked at him in a way "you're too cute, let me pinch your cheeks" kind of way, or the way he like sat down next to him on the coast, he was a bit babying him at times. I can't imagine book pingxie doing that. It's just a whole different vibe, the way he takes care of him, the way he lets him take care of him... it's...uuuuuuuuu another vibe (see, I'm so good at explaining lmao).

It's also kinda funny to me, bc HJJ who's the smallest and who irl truly a kitten never once gave me that feeling on screen for some reason. The one babied and loved by every crew and old ppl, who was cutely hiding behind ZYL's back on set, who won't sue an ex who almost ruined his career bc of how stupid she is, bc he "didn't want to hurt her", who according to staff can't even step on a fly, whom CMH was petting for several minutes after he had to hit him with a prop brick bc he didn't wanna do it lmao. I was just like.. ok, this is hilarious, bc I in fact didn't expect him to be a small bean, so watching all the bts made me go LOOOOL. Probably ZYL acting like a 3 year old helped him transform and the age difference problem got lost lmao

As for other adaptations. You know I can't watch seriously "Lost Tomb", I think some ppl probably have some nostalgic feeling about it, but I'm sorry, to me it's fucking hilarious. Like I've already said it looks like some type of twilight parody thing or smth. Soft damselle Wu Xie esp killed me, bc 1st when he ever was that, 2nd in the first book he's salty af, I don't even know this dude in this interpretation, I was like who's this. YangYang I know him from other things, I really don't think it's his role. I know the script and everything is bad. I know the costume and hair are horrendously funny, but it's just I was watching him in those action scenes and was like no... just I'm sorry but I'm not feeling it. I simply just don't know what to say about the whole thing seriously, bc I don't even know where to start. 10 episodes of some salad finished with one mutilated scene from book 6 for no reason the fact that characters are weird themselves also I can't quite tell, did they really just meet or they imply smth else lmao.. I'm sorry, but I do not get it.

I've given LT2 another try after finishing all the books and I've dropped it half way through, Cheng Yi wasn't even close to how I pictured Xiaoge in any aspect. He in fact didn't do anything OOC or off the book or anything, I just was like "not my Qiling". Happens sometimes.

Explore with the note you already know how I feel about this lol let's just forget.

P.S. To be fair here also maybe we should take into account the fact that some got luckier than other with "at which point" Xiaoge they're playing. Like for example, "Wrath of the Sea" and "Qingling Tree" books which is LT2 is not exactly you can say much about Qiling there, he trolls them there in the beginning (in a brilliant way that was totally lost in the adaptation) and he is there in "Wrath of Sea", but it's not the part that can make his character shine in any way, there's not much things happening there that would make you fall for him or get to know him; Yuliang grabbed the fattest piece bc it's middle several books, when they're always together and his character shines the most in terms of clues about past, opening up to Wu Xie and Pangzi, and there are many many events where you can get the picture of what kind of man he is; Huang Junjie grabbed my fav piece of utter devotion, where he's already fully and wholeheartedly belongs to Wu Xie, that I'm just weak for. So like... there's also that I guess xD.

#answered #jaecomments #zhang qiling #daomu biji #dmbj #lost tomb reboot #i still feel like i couldn't quite explain stuff lol #its a complicated question xD #do not kill me for my i guess weird opinions haha #huang junjie #xiao yuliang #lost tomb #pingxie

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inevitably-johnlocked · 3 years

Note

Whats your favorite song at the moment

Hey Nonny!

Ooof Too many, hahhaha! Because I don’t leave home anymore, I’m not looking constantly for new music to add to my Playlist, so mostly it’s stuff that I come across on Tumblr and is living rent-free in my head on repeat, or me digging on my harddrives for a nostalgia kick.... currently, these are the top 5 cycling in my head, no particular order:

(EDIT IT’S NOW TEN. I COULDN’T CHOOSE. LISTEN TO THEM ALL. THEY’RE ALL AMAZING)

(EDIT 2 SORRY IT’S NOW 15!! NONNY I’M SO SORRY. I know no one cares, but I LOVE sharing my Music with people)

(EDIT 3 *SIGH* Now 20. :| HELP. Stopping before I get carried away. No one ever likes my music so I love when people ask me for my songs with genuine interest)

Nathan Evans - The Wellerman (220 Kid X Billen Ted Remix) (flashing images CW in video!) – Got into the original of this one during the sea shanty trend, and then this dance remix came out... those of you who know me well, know that I am HOOKED on remixes, especially dance remixes. So I was so happy about this official one.

The Kiffness - Ievan Polkka ft. Bilal Göregen (Club Remix) – This one I got into because I think, again, the original with the blind man was trending, and then I found this remix artist on YouTube from his remix of The Wellerman, and his is SOOOO good!! I loved this song back in the early noughts when it was popular as “Leek Spin”. But then these young folks had to go and make it amazing again!!

ZHU, partywithray - Came For The Low – (LOTS OF FLASHING LIGHTS IN VIDEO CW!) Thank Falcon And the Winter Soldier for this one! It took me a WEEK to find out what song they’re playing in the club in Episode 3 when Zemo’s dancing, and YAY I found this finally (not the one hour one, sadly, still trying to find the song D+ Marvel used for that one). I LOVE IT. LISTEN TO IT. SO good if you like heavy club beats

Sim Gretina - A Friend Like Me (Electro Swing Remix) – This is SATISFYING. I LOVE IT. Found it years ago after that homemade Aladdin carpet video was going viral, and every time it comes up on my playlist, I replay it like 6 times.

Linkin Park - Numb (80′s Remix) – That tumblr meme song that went around years ago? HERE YOU ARE!!! :D This is TOO SHORT and it’s also on repeat when I listen to it. Y’all, this is what depression feels like when you’re trying to pretend to be happy all the time LOL. It’s a whole MOOD. This one is great to blast in the car and have people confused at you singing at the top of your lungs. Like, “I AM NUMB AND AN EDGELORD BUT READY TO PARTY!!!”.

One Ton - Supersexworld – Okay, this is an OLLLLLLDDD one by a one-hit wonder Canadian band that I stumbled upon recently when I was going through my hard drives to find new stuff to put onto my iPhone. I was OBSESSED with this song when it first came out, forgot about it, and NOW... SHIT I can’t STOP. This one is BLARING when I hear it, and am so happy I found it again. It’s simple, amazing, and AWESOME. LISTEN TO IT. You will love it. Please. It’s got one verse and one chorus over and over, and it’s catchy as hell. It’s on my personal Johnlock playlist :D

Deorro - Rise and Shine – GUYS. This song. Also on my personal Johnlock Playlist, this one is SOMETHING. First heard it in my BodyPump class, I NEEDED it. It’s SO GOOD. Jazzy Club Music??? YES PLEASE! Video is all kinds of amazing? YES PLEASE. PLEASE listen to this. I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch (Eiffel 65 Remix) – Is this song a decade old? YES. Has it been on my iPod since it first came out? FUCK YES. Y’all, Eiffel 65 is SO underrated for their remixes. This is one of their best remixes, and it’s the PERFECT walking song. YES I look like an idiot walking to it, but I love it SO MUCH. It’s better than the original, imho.

Gotye feat. Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know (Bastian Van Shield Remix) – LOL I KNOW: sacrilege to remix Gotye, but Y’ALL. This is the DEFINITIVE remix of one of his best songs. Six minutes of pure club beats, and just... ANOTHER perfect walking song that you need to SCREAM at the top of your lungs. Also on my personal Playlist, John POV, that I will share eventually.... it makes sense in the song order on the list, I promise LOL)

Tee Lopes - Marble Zone '12 – Tee Lopes is the official composer for Sonic Mania, hired because of all his AMAZING Classic Sonic remixes he did as a hobby on his YouTube channel. This one has a Tango flavour, and it’s SO good and not long enough. There’s an extended version here. Also love his Flying Battery and Ice Cap remixes. If you love video game music remixes like I do, check out his YT channel. There’s a TONNE there and it’s GREAT music to write to.

Aaron Smith - Dancin’ (KRONO Remix) – I dunno where I first heard this one, but I LOVE it. It’s like trancey club music. It’s beautiful, and WORTH a listen.

Pet Shop Boys - I Wouldn't Normally Do This Kind Of Thing [Extended Nude Mix] – Ooooof this one has been on my faves for a LONG time. Originally heard this on the PSB’s album Disco 2, back when their remixes were this good and long and clubby. I miss these so much. If you want a good club beat to thump your car, this is it my friends.

Informätik - A Matter of Time – FUCK ME I love this song. This is the song that made me want to start a Johnlock playlist. I talk more in length about it on this post here, but yeah, I still just.. MM. It’s just so beautiful and is what got me into EBM music in the first place. I listened to this and a lot of their music quite often in college when I was pining over people. Always the pining and never the requited, LOL. I just really love it.

Pride and Fall - Paragon – GUYS. This one is SO good. Trancey EBM and just, UGHGGHHGHGHHHG It gives me so many feels. I’ve loved this song for SO many years, and just, still has to be on every iPod I own. It’s beautiful, and the lyrics are beautiful and I wish I was as beautiful as this song, LOL. Please listen and enjoy. Best bit is a 3:11 :D <3

Rammstein - Mein Teil (Pet Shop Boys Remix) – GUYS. This is one of the greatest collabs of all time. I love both Rammstein AND Pet Shop Boys, and was SO EXCITED when they remixed this song for the single. This is the better of the two remixes PSB did for them, and YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO IT. PURE CLUB BLISS. This is the PSB in their remixing best!!!! <3 Plus, it’s SUPER WEIRD to hear these angry Germans backing a club beat, I LOVE IT. Also, it’s literally a song about a true story of literally eating a dick, so.... *shrugs*

Pet Shop Boys - Love Etc. (PSB Mix) – Y’ALL. This is 6 minutes of LITERAL dance music BLISS. A fantastic remix of one of my fave songs from the PSB, which is essentially shitting on the materialism of relationships. And I love this one, it’s a great work out and car song. Honestly PLEASE listen to it.

Apoptygma Berzerk - Kathy’s Song (Beborn Beton Remix) – GUYYYYYYYYYsSSSS I love this song so much. The original is much slower, and I discovered Beborn Beton FROM this song (another great artist, check them out). This song is just, a great dance song, and just makes me scream out when I hear it. Full volume, beautiful song, beautiful lyrics. It’s my Android!lock headcanon song, but it is also on my JL Personal Playlist, LOL.

Darude vs. Robert Miles - Children of the Sandstorm – One of the BEST MASHUPS in the world, and I am CERTAIN it is an official one; I was obsessed with mashups when I was in college so I have a TONNE of them, but this one has always been a fave, and I still jam to it over a decade later. Seriously, these songs SEAMLESSLY blend together, it’s fantastic. Classic club and trance? HELLS YES.

Eminem - Nobody Listen to Techno (Deep Dish Mix) – Another nostalgia hit for me. Is it pointless? Not if I enjoy it!! I LOVE this song. Deep Dish mixes were THE JAM in my college years, and like, this is just 9 minutes of PURE techno with some of his song “Without Me” sampled throughout. I LOVE IT. SO MUCH. This is a banger, and just, if you need music to listen to while driving or writing, this is one for you!!

Rammstein feat. Sharleen Spiteri - Stirb Nicht Vor Mir (Don't Die Before I Do) – And to bring the mood WAYYY down, did you know Rammstein did a love song? A beautiful, moves-me-to-tears love song? Because I did and it’s one of my FAVE songs by them. It’s SO beautiful, and the Till’s harsh voice WORKS for it. It’s gentle and soothing. It’s a German/English duet, and it makes me nearly cry EVERY TIME. Because I imagine John and Sherlock and then I die inside LOL. It’s so beautiful and I listen to this one years after it was released. Look up the translation, it is so beautiful.

AND if you guys happen to like any of these songs, copy the youtube video link and use this :)

Most of these that aren’t silly are on my Johnlock playlist, so do give the latter songs a listen! <3 I’m sorry for adding more than five... I just really love sharing things with you guys I like because I’m so lonely, LOL.

If any of y’all are playing these and trying to pick me up, *finger guns* Let’s go get cake and jam :D

AHH I like when I get asks like this! Sorry I took so long Nonny, but I just kept ADDING to it, as you can see. Had to stop because I could keep going.

#steph replies #my playlist #fave songs #music #happy posts #chatting with nonnies #Anonymous #i want more asks like this hee hee #ask me anything

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puckyess · 4 years

Text

I Hope Part 2 | Roman Ahcan & Brock Caufield

For the morning crowd: Get your tissues ready! I’m super happy with how this turned out. Let me know your favorite part. Listen to the Afterglow/Ghostin’ mashup for some extra sadness (linked on my blog). S/o to @penaltbox for getting this one going ❤️❤️

*Italics indicate flashbacks

*** FEEDBACK IS APPRECIATED***

Words: 10.1k

Part 1 // Part 3

“I forgive you, Ro, I really do. It’s the forgetting that’s the hard part. I can forgive, but I can’t forget”

Your words hung heavy in the air and he accepted them graciously. You had just basically rejected Roman, the least you could do now was offer him a place to crash for the night. While his apology had brought you some nice closure, you weren’t ready to jump into a relationship with him and at this point, you weren’t even sure you wanted to anymore. He definitely still had a hold on you, but that’s what scared you. He had just piled a lot on you and you needed some time to digest it all. Doing that with him a room away was not ideal, but you didn’t have the heart to throw him out, especially at this hour.

“Do you want to stay here tonight? It’s late, well early now. I don’t want you out this time of night” you asked him. It felt odd to ask him to stay in a non romantic way after everything.

“On the couch?” He shyly questions.

You crack a smile at his shyness, a contrast to the overconfident Ro you were used to getting. “Yes, on the couch, Ro”.

He agrees after some prodding and that’s how you find yourself digging through the drawer that used to be his, but is now someone else’s, for clothes for him to wear for the night.

He watches you and can’t help but stare at the back of your shirt. “We play for each other” written in the signature Wisconsin font. Who’s was it? Were you dating someone on the team? How had he missed that? He’d admittedly gone through your social media a lot lately and hadn’t detected anything unusual, just the regular back and forth chirping, no flirty interactions, but now he was going to have to go analyze the boys’ comments. Would they do that to him though?

He’s broken from his thoughts when you stand up and say, “These are Brock’s but they should fit, you guys are like close to the same size”. His eyes zoom in on the red 29 on the leg of the sweatpants in your hands.

“Of fucking course” he thinks to himself. He should’ve known Brock would weasel his way in the first chance he got. He tried to not let his irritation leak into his voice as he thanked you for Brock’s clothes and you pretended to not notice the way the muscle in his jaw twitched when you said Brock’s name. It was just like old times.

—

You laid in bed that night, unable to fall asleep. Tonight had brought up so many feelings and memories. You thought long and hard about the boy sleeping on your couch. From the first time you encountered his fiery temper, to your roller coaster of a time together, to the night that everything went to hell and the mess he left behind.

Living across from a quarter of the men’s hockey team was a blessing and a curse. They were constantly yelling and tonight was no exception, this time accompanied with incessant pounding on a door. You shouldn’t be nosy you kept telling yourself, but a little peek through your peephole wouldn’t hurt anything right? If only you had known how much he would come to change your life.

You peered out just in time to see the boy laying another beating on the door and then putting his whole body into yelling, ”Fuck!”, dropping his head back in defeat when his efforts were met with silence. He must be locked out. You take a deep breath and open your own door, propping yourself against the door frame. “I was going to invite you inside, but with a temper like that I don’t know that I should?” You tease him, sending a little smile his way to let him know you were only giving him a hard time.

That was the first time you had seen that smirk you love so much spread across his face. You would come to find out his name was Roman and he quickly became your person. Well, besides the other boy in your life who was your best friend.

The highs of your relationship with Roman were so high. You were borderline inseparable with each other. He did everything he was supposed to as a boyfriend, he was the type of guy that you’d proudly brag to your family about, the one your friends looked at and said “I wish”. He could be sweet and thoughtful, and had a spark to him that you adored, his temper the first time you met him, proof of that. He was that little rough around the edges kind of guy that every girl chased, a little mean to everyone but you. You were his soft spot and for a while, you couldn’t have written a better love story. In hindsight things were probably too perfect, you should’ve seen the storm that was brewing.

Between the friction between Brock and Roman and Roman’s wandering eyes, the lows could be pretty low. It was the same old fights every time, always starting and ending the same. Roman never acted on his insensitive behavior, but it still didn’t sit well with you. You tried not to play the jealous girlfriend part too often but sometimes it would just build and build until you snapped and then you both engaged in loud arguments, leaving a sinking feeling in your stomach, but Ro always managed to patch things up afterwards with flowers or warm baths that made you forget all about what had just transpired, at least until next time.

Roman’s jealousy would shine at moments too. He’d call you out saying, “You baby Brock too much” and that “You shouldn’t worry about someone you’re not dating as much as you do. He can handle himself, he’s a big boy” anytime you’d defend Brock, and then under his breath he’d mumble “He’s too soft already” and that drove you crazy. You’d frown at your boyfriend's lack of empathy and ill feelings toward one of the most important people in your life. You had heard some of the stories the boys would tell you and you knew he called Brock soft to his face and you hated it. You loved his temper, but not when it was directed toward your best friend. You had no idea why the boys hated each other so much. Part of the reason you were always so nice to Brock was to make up for your boyfriend's behavior, though if only you knew the half of what Roman said to Brock. You’d called Roman out on it multiple times and instead of apologizing, he’d say, “It’s not like it’s not true. You know it, I know it, and he knows it”. You of course can’t just sit around and leave B out to dry when he wasn’t even around to defend himself so cue another fight. The cycle was endless.

You had half expected Brock to come over and check in on you the night that Owen sent you that picture and your world had caved in on itself, but he had only sent you a simple text that said “I love you. You’ll get through this, I’ll help you”. And then he was at your door the next morning with coffee and a shoulder to cry on, ready to let you grieve and then when you were ready, to pick up all the pieces.

You finally fell asleep that night, not thinking about the boy who had torn you apart but instead about the one who had helped you to grow and become who you were today.

Roman laid on your couch, his mind going a mile a minute. You having a drawer full of Brock’s clothes answered his earlier question about the T-shirt. He hadn’t asked about it though, not wanting to start a fight. You always had a soft spot for the kid. It was one of the very few sore spots of your relationship.

How could he not hate Brock’s guts though? The kid had a huge stinking crush on you and you had no clue, you just continued to show him affection and give him your attention. He thought about all the times you’d go running to Brock after you two had gotten in an argument and he did know about all of them because Brock would waste no time in posting to his Snapchat. But never in a way where it could get turned on him for rubbing it in Roman’s face, it was always just enough so that Roman would know he was with his girl but if Ro dared to bring it up to you you’d take Brock’s side no matter what. You stuck up for Roman in every other situation and would fight a whole hockey team for him, but not when it came to Brock. He wasn’t blind, he knew that Brock could steal you without even trying, though he did credit the kid with trying.

He thought about all the times he had dangled the carrot over your head, practically telling you about Brock’s feelings for you and how you’d watch as Brock’s cheeks reddened and defend Brock and tell Roman to knock it off. He thought about the time that Brock had caused yet another fight by telling you about some locker room talk. That was the first time you had threatened to break up with him and damn it if that didn’t fuel his hatred for his teammate.

Roman sat in his stall, trying to get dressed for practice, but was unable to because all he could hear was Brock’s voice. Normally he could just block it out, but today he was talking to Alex about you and well, he just couldn’t have that. He was downright gushing as he happily told him about grabbing dinner with you at the Union the other night. He rolled his eyes as he bent down to tie his skates. It was time to remind Brock who you belonged to, who had won and who had lost. He begins to tell Tarek and Josh all about the activities that had taken place after your little dinner with Brock. He bragged maybe a little too loud about things you’d hate knowing he talks about in front of the boys, just to make sure Brock heard. Normally, Brock would sit back and take it. He knew that Roman messed with him to get a reaction out of him. But today he was degrading you in front of everyone and he wouldn’t allow that, so he speaks up on your behalf.

“No one wants to hear how quick you are in bed, Ahcan. She probably doesn’t appreciate it either”.

Roman’s face twisted into a smirk knowing he was about to hit him where it hurts. “Shut up, Caufield. We all know you wish you could please her like I do. 30 minutes or 30 seconds, it’s still more than you’ll ever get with her”.

The locker room falls silent and Brock bites his tongue so hard he tastes blood. The amount of disrespect Roman had just shown you made him sick. It takes all of his self control to not tackle Roman in the middle of the locker room. Luckily, his brother keeps him busy as he goes to lunge at Roman, himself. Brock has to throw an arm across his brother and shove him back to his stall. “Don’t”, he says, shooting him a dangerous look. “He’s not worth it. I’ll take care of it”. Cole’s fuming, as he aggressively grabs his stick that’s fallen to the floor in the hustle of things. “You better”, he says as he storms out of the locker room, shoulder checking Roman along the way.

He’d kept his mouth closed about all of Roman’s other taunting and bullshit, but this was unacceptable. He couldn’t let this slide. You deserved to know that your personal business was being spread out for all to hear in the locker room. So he grabbed his phone and sent you a quick text. “Your boy keeps running his mouth about all your bedroom activities in the locker room. Figured you should know.”

When you read the text your heart dropped. It was basically one of your worst nightmares. All of your business and most vulnerable moments on display for a bunch of guys who could pick you apart and look at you differently. You had trusted Roman enough to give yourself to him and this is how he respected you? You felt so many things, but betrayed and angry were at the top of the list. You were ready to lay into his ass when he got back from practice.

You let Roman have it the second he walked through the door. He brushes your feelings aside, as he’s more concerned with who told you.

“I knew that little shit would go running to you”

“It doesn’t matter who told me, but I’m glad they did! There’s two people in this relationship, not a whole locker room”

“Exactly, Y/N, there’s two people in a relationship, the key word being two, not three. Tell Brock to fuck off”

“God, that’s not even the point, Roman. It’s like I speak and you just don’t even listen!”

“How am I not listening? You just said there’s two people in the relationship and I agree with you, but Brock thinks he’s one of those two people and so yeah, maybe I had to remind him who gets to please you in bed and that’s not him”

“If you ever. Fuck and tell again, I swear to God Roman, you’ll be single. I’ll dump your ass so quick. No more kill stories in the locker room.”

While he knew your threat was probably hollow because of the darkness that had taken over your eyes ever since he mentioned pleasing you in bed, part of him should’ve known to never doubt you.

Brock had won that round, you had put Roman in his place rather than him putting Brock in his. He couldn’t stand the fact that you spent so much time with someone who he knew for a fact wanted you as much as he did, especially someone who was the polar opposite of Roman, himself. What if you woke up one day and wanted the sweet guy? Roman knew he wasn’t sweet. The gentle, always doing the right things guy? He tried to show that side of himself to you, but he was generally hard headed, feisty, and anything but just plain old nice. Brock already seemed to fill so many places in your life, he couldn’t let him take over the boyfriend role too. So he made sure Brock knew his place and he had been chastised by you more times than once for it. And apparently it hadn’t worked because it looks like he took his place anyway.

It made him question the night everything went down. Was Brock the one who had sent the picture? He doesn’t remember seeing him there, though he doesn’t remember a whole lot from that night besides the fight. Your look of hurt had stayed with him but he had someone else to go to during that time so he had put the little detail of how you had managed to get the picture in the first place to the back of his mind. Laying here on your couch now, it would make perfect sense for it to have been Brock. He had always had a nagging suspicion but never talked to you about that night.

—

The bye week couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. The boys had hit a rough patch, having lost three weekends in a row now and the tensions in the locker room were high. The combination of losing and Brock’s history with Roman made for a stressful past month.

Brock breathed a sigh of relief when he didn’t spot Roman anywhere in the bar. Some of the guys had decided to blow off some steam and reset for the upcoming weekend by going out tonight. He scanned the room once more making sure he didn’t see you, but since Roman wasn’t here he didn’t assume you would be either. Ever since you had started dating him, you barely went anywhere without each other much to his dismay. Yes, he had feelings for you but that didn’t change the fact that you were also his best friend. He missed you in more ways than one.

“Dude, she already said she wasn’t coming out tonight”, Ty said, nudging his teammate.

Brock replies instantly, “I don’t know who you’re talking about”. But he knows he’s been caught looking for you again. He doesn’t say anything about the fact that Ty had known who he was looking for without asking.

Owen shows up then with an arm full of beers and a handful of shots. Brock throws back a shot with barely a grimace. It was going to be one hell of a night.

Flash forward a few rounds and the boys are rolling. It had been a fun, easygoing night, exactly what everyone needed. That is until Brock turns his head and spots a certain someone a few tables over. His eyes narrow and he has to do a double take.

His jaw clenches and his hand that wasn’t holding his drink, balls up. He swears he sees red as he looks on at the scene playing out three tables over. He reaches over and grabs Owen’s arm so hard Owen says ow and swats his hand away.

“Please. Tell me that isn’t my Y/N’s Roman making out with that girl?” He says through gritted teeth. He can’t take his eyes away.

“There’s no way..” Owen trails off in disbelief. That was most definitely a girl straddling Roman, her tongue down his throat and that girl was no where close to being you.

The rest of the guys look over then at what has their teammates so dumbfounded and the same silence spreads across the group amidst all the noise of the bar. With ten pairs of eyes burning holes into their faces, the pair continues to make out in the corner, as if you weren’t at home waiting for your boyfriend to return to you.

Brock is livid. He slams his glass down so hard the liquid splashes out and he’s ready to rip Roman to shreds. How could he do that to you? Sure, he had always had an issue with Roman, how could he not? Roman had the girl he had been crushing on since the first day he met her and Roman had no problem rubbing that in his face any chance he got. But he did make you happy (most of the time) and that’s what mattered to Brock. This though? Throwing all of that away, your trust, happiness? It made Brock want to cave Roman’s face in. Nostrils flaring, he’s up and out of his seat.

Owen is quick to grab B’s arm and frantically looks to the other guys for help. Owen’s taller frame was no match for Brock’s 5’9 one when he was fired up and boy, was he fired up. Cole was in front of him then and shoving his older brother back in his seat.

“You can’t go fighting him right now. Not now, not here in the middle of a bar” Cole says, trying to talk some sense into his furious brother.

Brock was seething. “Who does he think he is? This is going to kill Y/N, I’m going to fucking kill him!”

O backs Cole up, “Your brother’s right, man. We all love Y/N, but you and I both know how she is when it comes to Roman. She won’t like that you threw the first punch”.

Brock’s shaking his head at that, he knows they’re right. You always gave Roman the benefit of the doubt and it really grinded Brock’s gears when you made exceptions for Roman. He took you for granted and didn’t appreciate you the way Brock knew he could.

“She probably wouldn’t believe me, just say I’ve always had it out for him. She’s not wrong but I can’t be the one to tell her about this”.

The boys all agree on this and finally Owen says, “Why don’t I just send her a picture? She can’t deny it if it’s right there in front of her, right?”

Brock finally agrees with a small nod. He hates that he can’t just knock Roman out right there. And he hates even more what this picture is going to do to you. He wishes you would’ve just picked him and you never would’ve had to deal with this pain. But you hadn’t, you had chosen the more exciting boy, with his flaring temper and charming smirk. You chose to pass over the cute, boy next door who was everything you needed but nothing you wanted.

—

You should have known that word would get out somehow that Roman had stopped by. The boys hockey team was worse than old women at tea time when it came to gossip.

You barely had time to register the neatly folded blanket and clothes on your couch before your door was swung open and a very pissed off and hurt looking Brock is storming through it, coffee in hand.

“Well good morning to you too. What’re you doing here so early?” You said in the middle of a yawn.

He shoots you an irritated look. “Early? It’s past noon, Y/N. Or is your long night with Roman screwing with your head again? I can’t believe he had the audactiy to show up here after everything.” The venom in the way he says Roman’s name has you rolling your eyes. Roman had been..civil about Brock last night. Though you noticed the way he tensed about the clothes, he hadn’t said anything. Brock was your rock, your level headed one and yet he was the one speaking out today.

“You do realize this is my apartment you’re standing in right? And my business? And my life?” You’re annoyed that he wants to have this argument again and right after you woke up. He was not catching you at a good time.

Brock had a hard time hearing it wasn’t his life. It was like his hands were pinned behind his back. Roman being back in your life very much affected his own because that would mean he’d lose you again and you were very much a big part of his life.

“Roman staying the night has nothing to do with you” you tell him, plopping yourself on the couch. You catch a glimpse of the hurt that flashes across Brock’s face, along with something else you couldn’t quite place as you reach for your coffee.

Brock felt like he had just been slapped in the face. He had always been there for you, that night and every night there after. He had finally gotten his best friend back and at times it felt like he could have more than that and now you were just brushing him off like his opinion meant nothing. It absolutely killed him that you couldn’t see how much this had to do with him. He was there for you, he’d always been there for you and yet he couldn’t be there for you in the way that he wanted to because you wouldn’t let him.

He wanted to shake you. “That’s where you’re wrong, Y/N. This has every bit to do with me. I was there when he broke you and I helped you pick up the pieces. I let you cry on my shoulder, sleep in my bed. Not just that night but so many times before that. Or do you not remember why ice cream is our thing now? Or all of the walks home we’ve had? And all of the games of pong we’ve played? I’ve put up with so much shit from him for you and I’m sick of seeing you get hurt over and over by the same guy when you deserve so much better than that”.

You weren’t insecure by any means, but everyone had their days and today just so happened to be yours. You had a long day at work and didn’t really want to go out to dinner with the guys, but you had already promised Roman and Brock that you’d be there.

You trailed behind Roman as he led you to the table. Brock immediately noticed that your smile was off as you leaned in to give him a quick hug, not wanting to set off your boyfriend. He gave you an extra squeeze and then released you. He noticed the little frown on your face when the waitress shamelessly flirted with Roman in front of you and Roman made no effort to stop her, even giving into her banter and eyelashes. Wanting to see you smile again, he gave you a little nudge and asked if you were getting the kids’ meal, poking fun at the fact that your ordered chicken fingers everywhere you went. You cracked a smile and playfully punched his arm and then got serious again to tell him that yes, you were in fact going to devour some chicken’s fingers, which he chuckled at.

However when it got around to being your turn to order, Roman spoke up for you. “She’ll just have a salad.” He says to the waitress and she shoots you a look that says she agrees with that being an appropriate selection for you. “Aren’t you trying to start that diet? That’s what you said when you were jumping into your jeans before we got here. Now’s a good time to start” he asks you rather loudly. Your face heats up, embarrassed, but you mumble a “yeah, I guess” and close your menu, handing it to the girl and then looking down at your hands in your lap. Brock is absolutely speechless and the rest of the table is equally uncomfortable. As much as he wanted to deck Roman, he wanted to wrap you up in his arms and tell you how perfect you were even more.

When you snap Brock later that night, you’re by yourself and your face is still in a frown. He knows he has to do something about it, so he asks if you want to go get ice cream with him. You snap back that you really shouldn’t and you’re biting your lip and it makes Brock throw his head back with a groan. Why did the universe hate him so much? He leaves you on open, but grabs his keys and ends up showing up at your door.

“B, what’re you doing here?” you question. Your hair is thrown up in a messy bun and you’re in a pair of sweats and a baggy Badgers hockey tshirt. You look so beautiful and natural, he has to really concentrate to remember what exactly he’s supposed to be doing.

“You said you wanted ice cream?” he said with a smile, as if it were obvious.

You smiled back. “I believe I said that I shouldn’t get ice cream”.

He wouldn’t be taking no for an answer tonight. “No, I think you said you should get ice cream. Go get your shoes or don’t, but we’re still going”.

You shake your head at your best friend, but take the couple steps backward to retrieve your shoes and coat and lock your door as you head off to ruin the diet you hadn’t started.

A short drive later, you find yourself standing at Dairy Queen’s counter debating over a cookie dough or oreo blizzard. “I’ll have a small cookie dough blizzard, please”, you finally decide.

Brock also orders and the cashier asks, “Are you guys together?”

“Yeah, we’re together” he answers and then looking over at you his eyes widen in alarm. “I mean no, we’re not together, well we’re together but not together together”, he stutters over his words.

You’re looking at him like he’s lost his mind, but you’re also laughing, “B, chill. She meant our orders.” and then looking at the annoyed cashier, “yes, to clarify, our orders are together”. Brock mumbles an apology, handing over some bills.

“Well that was fun”, Brock huffs as he brings over your tray. When he sets down a chicken tender basket in front of you, your heart swells.

“What’s this?”

He just shrugs. “Figured you might want your kids’ meal. That salad didn’t look very filling”.

You swear you could cry on the spot at how thoughtful he was. “You noticed that too huh?”

“I notice everything, Y/N”, he says, taking another bite of his blizzard.

“So how is this fair? My boyfriend is an ass to you and me both, yet you’re the one buying me ice cream. Shouldn’t I be buying this for you?”

“How is he an ass to me?” Brock asks you. You’re not wrong, but he’s surprised you’ve noticed.

You give him a sheepish look. “A couple of the boys told me about what Roman said at the bar after last week’s game.”

Brock knew what you were referring to even though you were being very vague with your words.

They had gotten shut out and everyone all around had just had an off night. They had gone to the bar to blow off some steam but Roman was still heated, he took a while to calm down. You were off playing pool with Brock and it irritated Roman to no end as he watched you laugh easily with the wannabe lover. Soon your game finished though and you headed to the restroom before rejoining your boyfriend and the group and Roman took advantage of his opportunity. He was jealous and angry and just feeling a little mean so he took a swing at Brock.

“Hey, Caufield, maybe you should spend less time at the pool table and more time on the ice. We would’ve won tonight if you would’ve hit any of the shots you took. You were like 0 for 20.”

Brock looked at him wondering where this was all coming from right now. “Yeah, it wasn’t my best night”, he admitted.

Roman snorts. “Even your best night wouldn’t be good enough. You should stop trying to be your brother, you’ll never be as good as him. The only reason you’re even on the team is because they wanted Cole here, so they tried to sweeten the deal by letting you play” he says pointing at Cole with his beer and then taking a swig.

The comment brings an onslaught of “Hey, hey, hey”, “I think you’ve had enough”, “That was unnecessary” and “You better fucking take that back” from all the guys at the table. Everyone knew Roman could be a real dick when he wanted to be, but that comment was taking it too far. Just then you returned to the table, seeing everyone’s faces you asked “Whoa, what’d I miss?”

“Nothing. As fun as this has been, I think I’m gonna head home” he said looking at Roman. You pouted, but you didn’t question it as you hugged him goodbye and told him to text you when he got home so you knew he was safe.

“By a couple of the guys, I'm sure you’re referring to my brother?” he chuckles.

“I didn’t say that”, you tell him, but the small smile you’re wearing tells all.

“Yeah, he was pretty fired up over that”, Brock says.

“As he should’ve been! Why didn’t you say anything that night? I was fucking pissed when I found out. That was completely uncalled for. I let him have it when I found out. We’ve barely spoken all week because I’m still mad at him. Probably why he was such a dick tonight” you say, ripping off another piece of a chicken tender.

Brock just shrugs. “I don’t know why I didn’t say anything that night. It’s not like it’s not true, nothing I haven’t heard before. I know I’ll never be as good as Cole.”

You frown at the boy sitting across from you and take his hand in yours. “You know none of what Roman said is true, right? Not one word. You’re playing hockey for a D1 school and not just any school, the college hockey capital, Brock. You have so much talent and skill, I promise you’re on the team because they need a reliable, dependable, versatile player like you. You’re such a valuable part of the team, B.”

He would probably cry if you weren’t in the middle of Dairy Queen. You said the words with such conviction and love that he believed every one. To think that you saw all of that in him meant the absolute world to him.

“Thank you, Y/N. I can’t tell you how much that means to me”, he tells you honestly.

You beam at him. “Of course, B.”

He smiles back at you. “And to answer your question, no offense, but I’m sure you’ll have the opportunity to buy me ice cream when Roman screws up again. It can be like our thing”.

---

You were at your breaking point as you pulled up Brock’s contact. There was a good chance he was already sleeping and wouldn’t answer, but you had no other options so you pressed call. He answered on the first ring.

“B, I really need you. Can you come get me please?”

Brock shot up in bed at the sound of your shaky voice. “Y/N? Are you okay? Where are you?”

“I- yeah, I’m fine. I’m just stranded. Roman and I got into this huge fight and he left and won’t answer my calls or texts. I’m sorry to bother you, I know you left hours ago, but Roman has my credit card and cash so I can’t even get an Uber… I could walk, but it’s kind of far”

“No” he just about yells into the phone. “Don’t you dare leave wherever you are by yourself. I’m coming. I’m leaving right now, just send me your location and stay on the phone with me so I know you’re ok, okay?”.

You do and he curses to himself. He couldn’t believe Roman left you stranded and drunk at a party in the middle of Madison. That was low, even for Roman.

“B, why do you sound so out of breath? Are you running?” you ask. You can hear his breathing through the phone and it sounds slightly labored.

“Are you calling me out of shape?” he jokes, “Yeah, I had a few beers tonight so I don’t want to take the chance of driving. We can walk home together. But I want to get to you as soon as I can so I’m jogging. I’m about a block away now, should see you in five or so minutes”.

You blink away your surprise, your hand clutching at your heart. You look up to the sky and thank whoever it was above for blessing you with Brock.

“How did I get so lucky to have a best friend like you?”

You don’t see him trip as you say “best friend”. It must’ve been a crack in the sidewalk, just like the one in his heart.

You knew going in that dating a basically famous college hockey player wasn’t going to be easy. You knew what you signed up for. Admittedly, most of the time Roman would make you forget about the outside world. He acted like any other boyfriend, spoiling you with love and affection. But there were times that the ugly side of what he does came to bite you and unfortunately he was the one to bring it up.

It was a Saturday night and the boys were having a party to celebrate the weekend’s sweep. Your night had been great until you had heard Roman’s comments. You were standing with a small group of girls gossiping about the one girl’s interest in Mike when you heard your boyfriend’s voice brag about the “hundreds of girls flooding his Dm’s after that game against Ohio State”.

“No way you have hundreds, there was barely anyone there at those games last weekend”. Tarek pointed out, trying to call his bluff.

“Okay, maybe not hundreds, but there’s a ton. I could literally have any girl I wanted. And they’re all like, really hot too.” He glanced to his left and saw you standing there, but you were turned, not paying him any attention so he continued, “Check out the rack on this one, pretty face to match too”.

Your heart sunk as you listened to the boys talk, one boy in particular really. You turned around just to make sure it was your boyfriend even though you’d know his voice anywhere. He was standing with a group of the guys, his profile to you, but he was only a handful of steps away. Close enough for you to see him holding out his phone to prove to Tarek that he had a bunch of Dm’s. You watched on as his thumb scrolled down the list until he found the girl he wanted to show off. You suddenly didn’t feel like being at the party anymore.

Brock was standing with Lex, Cole, Ryder, and Dylan when he first heard bits of the conversation going on in the group next to him. His temper flared as he realized it was Roman who was doing the bragging. If Roman even glanced to his left in the slightest, he would’ve seen you standing there, well within earshot. And then he watched as Roman did just that, looked right at you and still continued to show off. Brock too looked over at you, hoping by some miracle that you weren't hearing what was going on. But when his eyes fell on you, you were already staring at Roman and there was a pained expression on your features. His heart broke for you and he wished for the millionth time that he could show you what love really is. But he couldn’t so he settled for at least getting you out of that situation. He didn’t even bother saying anything to the boys as he removed himself from the group and walked over to you, placing himself right in between you and Roman.

“Can I steal you for a few? I could really use a kick ass pong partner” he asked, smirking at you. He knew you loved pong, it was one of the few drinking games you were actually good at.

You took one last look over the shoulder of Brock and saw your boyfriend pulling up yet another girl’s profile so you gave Brock a weak smile and followed him across the room to the pong table, far away from Roman.

It only took a few throws for your arms to be held over your head and your chirping to take over. You and Brock pretty much dominated, to the point that it would’ve been boring had you guys not been keeping each other entertained.

With one cup left, Brock looked at you, a confident smirk on his lips. “Are you ready for this trick shot, Y/N? I’ve been practicing.”

You grinned and nodded eagerly. “Show me what you’ve got, Caufield.”

Instead of overhand tossing the pong ball, he flicks his wrist underhand so that the ball bounces off the ceiling and arcs directly into the remaining cup.

His arms raise wide above his head and he backs up in a subtle celly. The smile on his face can only be described as cocky.

Your jaw is still on the floor, but you're screeching and launching yourself into his arms. He easily catches you, lifting you off of your feet and spinning you around.

The room is loud, still reacting to Brock’s trick shot, but you don’t hear any of it as he holds you close, still having not put you back on your feet. The smile on your face is bright when you tell him, “I can’t believe you just did that! I hope you know you just sealed your fate as my pong partner for life”.

---

“While I appreciate you doing all of that, and I really do, I couldn't have done it without you, I didn’t ask you to do any of that. Never did I ask you to come save me” you snapped at him, trying to defend yourself. And it was true, you had never once asked for Brock to come save you, he just did.

Hands running through his hair, tugging hard, that’s when Brock explodes. You were practically proving his point. “That’s the thing, Y/N, is you shouldn’t have to ask! It should just be normal for someone who cares about you to not hurt you over and over and to be there for you and help you get better when you’re hurting, not just turn their back on you with some other girl and then just show back up in your life when they decide they want you back. That’s not how it’s supposed to be.” He’s looking at you desperately, you were putting him in jail for something he didn’t even do.

You know he’s right. You know it with every bone in your body. Roman had done things that were far from loving and had conditioned you to think that that’s what love looked like. You had made exceptions for his behavior and built a tolerance for his actions. And that’s not how it was supposed to be. But you had also loved him and part of you still did and that was hard to just turn off and forget, you would know because you had tried.

“Brock, I loved him. You know that. What was I supposed to do? Things weren’t perfect, but I couldn’t just throw away what we had and pretend that I didn’t feel anything for him. I accepted him and his flaws because that's what love is.”

He hears every word of what you’re saying because he feels it too. He was living a parallel life, but with you. As much as he’s tried and wishes he could, he can’t just turn off his feelings for you and pretend they weren’t there. He accepted your flaws even if giving too much of yourself to others who didn’t deserve you was one of them. He wants to tell you that he could have shown you what loving hard instead of hard love is but he knows the time isn’t right for that confession yet. There’s still a lot left to be said.

“Well he threw it away for you and now you’re what? Just going to let him walk right back in again? You’re going to let him back in like usual? It’s not hard to see why he doesn’t take you seriously, if you don’t even take yourself seriously. You need to at least respect yourself, since he never does. You’re better than that, Y/N. We worked so hard-“ he corrects himself, “you worked so hard to be strong and build yourself back up...I’m just afraid he’ll break you again”.

His concern was well placed but the fact that he just assumes that you’d let Roman walk back in, even though you almost did and that he thought you’d break so easily was disappointing. “Well what am I supposed to do Brock? I’m not some D1 big time hockey player like you, I don’t just have this line waiting at my door to take me out like you guys do”

Brock’s voice catches in his throat as he almost lets out the secret he’s been keeping bottled up from you. But he panics and instead tells you, “you need to figure this out, Y/N because I can’t stand by and watch that happen again. And if you do decide that he’s the one you want and you’re willing to let him into your life again, I can’t promise to be there to put back the pieces this time.”

His statement makes your eyebrows shoot up.You don’t know that you’d still be here had Brock not been there for you, and as he pointed out not just this past time but so many times before. You can’t imagine having to go through another heartbreak, much less without having Brock at your side. Your heart’s racing at the thought of losing him. His statement surprises you and hits you like a ton of bricks. Why’d you have to break what you love so much?

“You’d leave me?” You quietly ask him, tears threatening to spill.

He sighs, shaking his head. Why was this so hard? “I’d never leave you,” he says swallowing hard, “but I can’t hurt like that again”.

The look on his face shatters your heart and you know you’re the one to blame.

You don’t miss that he’s talking about himself and you hate that you’ve caused him so much hurt over the years. You’d put him through more than one ever should and you’re hating yourself because this is the first time he’s admitting to you that it hurts him. Hurts him to see you with someone else, hurts him to always be the one to pick up the pieces, and hurts him that you might pick that someone over him again. You knew his feelings for you, you had for a while now. Cole had pulled you aside and told you as much and as if that wasn’t confirmation enough, you had accidentally overheard Brock say it himself, just not to you.

Brock had invited you over for a movie night, something you had done regularly with him in the months before you had started dating Roman. But ever since you started seeing Ro they had become less and less frequent until it got to the point where they ceased to exist all together. So he had finally reserved you for the night and had a whole night planned for you two to catch up. Or so he thought.

He was rushing around his dorm, trying to find his wallet and keys to go pick you up. He needed to hurry so that you guys weren’t late for your reservation. A new steak place had opened up downtown and though it was a little more fancy than your usual pizza dates, he knew you had been wanting to try it so he made the reservation.

“B if you’re five minutes late they’re not going to give your table away” Cole tells his brother, sensing his nerves.

“Yeah but if I’m five minutes late picking Y/N up, then we’re going to be 15 minutes late to the restaurant and then the table will be gone” he replies.

Cole shakes his head at how well Brock knows you. The boy had it bad. “Yeahhh you’re right. You better get a move on then.”

Brock huffs in response as he trips putting his other shoe on.

“Oh and good luck on your date” Cole calls as Brock heads out the door, lightly teasing him. Brock smiles but flips his little brother off as he shuts the door.

Not 20 minutes later, a very disappointed and frustrated Brock is slinking his way back through the door. Cole pauses the game he had been watching on the tv and turns toward Brock as he throws himself on the couch.

“She cancelled.” Brock mumbles into the cushion.

“What?!” Cole questions. He shouldn’t be surprised, he could probably guess as to the reason you cancelled but he couldn’t believe you’d do that to Brock and so last minute.

“S’fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.” He said, face still pressed into the couch.

“It’s not fine, Brock! I get that you’re like in love with her but she doesn’t just get a pass. That was really shitty. Did she say why she cancelled?” He was fired up now, as Brock should’ve been but he would let you get away with murder.

He sighed as he pushed himself to a seated position and shrugged. “Said Roman had some kind of thing planned that he just told her about and she meant to text me about it but forgot. She felt bad”.

And just like that you were let off the hook, Cole could tell by the simple way he justified your actions by saying you felt bad. It didn’t erase the hurt that was in his face even if he tried to make his voice sound casual or the droop in his shoulders. It seems to be a more and more common thing lately and he doesn’t like it.

Turning the tv off he stands up. “Well let’s not let that dinner reservation go to waste. Steak sounds pretty good and you’re buying! ” he says and kicks Brock’s shoe to get him off the couch and back out the door.

As it turns out, Cole was right and they won’t give the table away if you're five minutes late. The steak was actually worth the reservation and it was nice to spend some one on one time with his brother. He knew nights like that wouldn’t last much longer. Brock seemed to be in less of a slump but Cole continued his care taking, telling Abby he’d call her tomorrow and catch her up on the Brock/Y/N saga to watch movies with his brother.

His phone rings in the middle of Grown Ups and Cole doesn’t even have to guess to know who it is. “You should just leave her hanging after she ditched you tonight” he says.

Brock shoots him a look and picks up on the second ring. “Y/N? Is everything ok?”

With the movie paused, Cole can hear the whole conversation, though he could’ve told Brock without having heard. It was the same old story. Roman promised one thing and then did another, leaving you upset and Brock comforting you. Of course he invited you over and offered to come and get you, already putting his shoes back on before even hanging up the phone.

“You deserve better than second best, Brock” he honestly tells his brother.

Brock looks at him then with a look of defeat and acceptance. “I’ll take what I can get.”

A short time later he returns with you in tow. You look sad, just as Brock had hours earlier when he walked through that same door, but without you. You give a tight lipped smile to Cole and then you’re following Brock to his bedroom where you’ll spend the night telling Brock about your boyfriend while wrapped in Brock’s arms and in Brock’s bed.

It breaks his heart that you’re crying again over him..Brock would never make you cry until your wedding day when he shed tears of his own and you wouldn’t be able to hold yours in because you always cry when other people do.

The next morning is when Cole decides to give you a reality check. You emerge from Brock’s bedroom in his T-shirt and Cole just raises an eyebrow at you. From an outsider’s point of view, you knew what it looked like. But it was Cole and this was unfortunately a rather regular occurrence. Nothing had happened, nothing would happen. “What?” You ask him as you reach into the cabinet and grab a mug. Their home was basically yours too, you spent so much time there.

“We’re gonna go grab something to eat before he drops me off, do you want to come with us?” You ask. Your offer however, is met with silence even though Cole is staring right at you.

“Dude what’s your problem today? Are you not speaking to me or what?” You question, growing irritated.

Cole thought the world of you, honestly. You had become a close friend but his brother was his favorite person and you were messing with his happiness so it was about time you were put in check.

“You know, one day he won’t be waiting around for you anymore. He’ll have his own girlfriend again and he won’t be able to play part time boyfriend when yours decides to be an asshole”.

He doesn’t specify who “he” is but you know he’s talking about Brock. And he doesn’t come out and say that Brock has feelings for you but “waiting around” sure makes it seem like maybe he does. You want him to just say it.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” you say, looking down at the mug in your hands. Brock’s favorite you think to yourself.

Cole gives you a look and holds his hand out in front of him, gesturing up and down your body. “Come on, Y/N. Don’t give me that. Look at yourself right now. Where are you right now? Where do you spend your time, enough to know where the mugs are? Whose clothes are you wearing? Whose bed did you sleep in? Who was beside you? Who -“

“Okay, okay. Jeez, I get your point” you say, wincing, wanting to stop him there.

“Do you though? Because you let him get all the way to your place before you cancelled on him last night. You didn’t see the look that was on his face when he came back home. He’d been looking forward to this all week, Y/N. He’s been planning this all week. He never gets to see you anymore” Cole continues.

You grimace, knowing you did him dirty. “All week? I felt so bad -“

Cole cuts you off, not wanting to hear the excuse he’s heard a hundred times before “but Roman” is how it always starts.

“Yes. All week. He even made a reservation for you guys at that new steak place you’ve been wanting to go to. Hell the kid spent a half hour going through his closet and making me choose between shirts” he tells you.

Your heart sinks when you hear about all of his wasted efforts and the thought he had put into wanting to have a night with you.

“And you obviously didn’t feel too bad because you still called him when Roman bailed. You always call him, Y/N. Maybe you should think about the fact that he’s always the one you turn to when you need something, maybe he should just be the one. You can’t keep going back and forth between your two boyfriends though, it’s hurting Brock too much and I won’t let that happen anymore. He’s dealing with enough shit right now, he doesn’t need you hurting him too”.

His words sit heavy in your mind and never leave you. You can’t say how much of an impact they’ve had on your affection toward him since then but it definitely plays a part, maybe one larger than you realized.

—

Brock and Roman had been going at each other all day. Brock had started hanging around less and less so you were excited to be able to spend the whole evening together. The boys were having game night and then hitting the bar. Starting with the pregame Roman had been a pain. He was complaining about the whole night and how he didn’t want to share you. This meant he was extra clingy and barely let you out of sight. You really had wanted to see Brock, but he was in the apartment across the hall, the team having to split into two apartments since everyone was coming out tonight.

You pryed yourself from Roman and wandered to the next room, an easy smile spreading across your face as you found who you were looking for. You were instantly wrapped in a warm hug and he kept an arm over your shoulders as he talked close to your ear, trying to be heard over the shouting of the boys. “I saw you earlier and wanted to come say hi but didn’t want your boyfriend to get mad” he tried to play it off as joking but you could hear the slight bite to his words. He didn’t get to say much else as Roman came in and spotted your two heads bent together in the middle of the room. He made a not so light hearted comment about Brock stealing his girl and then all but dragged you back to the other room claiming you guys were up next for pong even though you still had to wait 15 minutes for the game to be finished.

And that’s how the night went with the two boys exchanging jabs and glares. Roman’s temper is short with you and even shorter for Brock. He’s been making stupid comments to you that he knows get on your nerves like “damn those jeans make your ass look good. Brock doesn’t her ass look good?” And “your shirt’s so low cut every guy in this bar has been staring at your tits, just ask Caufield.” and each time Brock also sends a look your way, one you read as pity and you become frustrated. There was a difference between him complimenting you and him making you feel like a piece of meat and tonight he was doing the latter. He was also dragging Brock into it which he knew you hated and so you became increasingly angry, more with yourself and Roman but after about the tenth time Brock looks over at you you take it out on him and just snap. “I don’t need the looks, ok Brock? I can take care of myself, you looking at me every time he opens his mouth isn’t making anything better”. You can’t quite read the look on his face before he just nods and says he’s going to head out for the night. You groan and guilt and more frustration flood your system. You know you have to go after him because it’s Brock after all. So after corralling a stupidly drunk Roman into his bed you head over to Brock’s to apologize.

The first thing you hear when you go to knock on his door is yelling. You don’t expect to hear anything given the time of night but with the quiet halls you can hear every word he’s shouting. “I just don’t get why she lets him treat her like that! She’s so strong and independent and then she just sits there while he spouts off his mouth the whole night. And she’s so beautiful like how can he even say the things he said tonight.”

He’s obviously talking about you, that much you can tell. You can’t hear what the other person is saying but you do hear what Brock is saying next. “ I just need her to give me one shot. That’s all I’m asking for is one shot to show her how much better I can be for her. Be to her. If I could just show her how much I love her and appreciate her the way she deserves… god why am I not good enough? I do everything I can for her, hell I’d do more if she let me. Do I have to act like an ass to get her attention? Because I’m pretty sure that’s the only thing I haven’t done yet”

You feel extremely guilty standing there in front of his door listening to something he doesn’t know you’re hearing, him pouring his heart out. But you’re frozen in place with his confession. You eventually get your act together and do what you went there to do in the first place, the whole time with your heart beating in your ears.

—

You had never let on that you knew how he felt. You had honestly thought that maybe his feelings for you would lessen until they disappeared since you had at the time still been very much in love with Roman. You hate to say it but you were often times wrapped up in your own drama that you pushed his feelings to the back of your mind but they were always there. With everything that he had told you that night, unknowingly and everything he was saying now, you could see it all in a new light.

Right now, with his cheeks flushed and his chest still heaving from anger and emotion it’s clear that those feelings are still very much present. He’s so worked up that you have to put a hand on his chest, something you often did with Roman, to calm him. Though unlike Roman, B instantly softens as soon as you touch him, practically melting under your hand.

“B, stop. It’s ok, I’m not getting back together with him. We talked and he apologized. It was nice closure, but that’s all it was for me, was closure. I can’t forget what he did. What you did to help me. You’re right, we did build me up and he’s not worth losing myself or you over. I don’t want to do this to you anymore, I don’t want to lose you” You can literally feel his heart skip a beat as you drop this information on him.

His mouth tries to form words but all he comes up with is “oh”. He’s surprised to say the least. “So what now? Is he going to go back to being an asshole to me about you?”

You frown. “Not if I have anything to say about it. I really am sorry you had so much to deal with because of me. So much stuff that I had no idea about. You did it so well, you’ve been so understanding, so good. If it were anybody else, they wouldn’t have lasted a day dealing with me and all of my baggage. But you, you’ve been the answer to all of my prayers”.

His heart catches at your words. Finally, finally he was getting some recognition for all the hell he had been through for you. He gives you a soft smile and a little shrug. “Wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. I’m glad you didn’t have to deal with it, honestly. Now that I don’t have to worry about you not listening to me about him it makes it all that much more worth it. You’re worth it”.

You roll your eyes but there’s a smile on your face as you say, “and I love you for that” and you don’t know what that little line does to him.

He has to look away when you say that even though he knows you can see the blush quickly taking over his cheeks and feel his heart hammer a little faster over it. It gives him a little courage to try and see if maybe he can get you to say those words to him again, but in the way that he’s been wanting all of these years.

“You’re gonna kill me, aren’t you?” He mumbles, running a hand over his face.

“What’s that supposed to me, Caufield?” You ask, tilting your head up so that your eyes can search his face.

A look of wonder is on his face as he says “You have no idea do you?”

Now it’s your turn for your heart to speed up as you do have an idea of what he might be about to tell you.

You don’t get the chance to hear what he has to say because you hear yelling from the hall and the voice that it belongs to is Owen. Both of your heads turn as he crashes through your door, breathless.

“Y/N have you seen Brock, I think we have a problem - oh shit, am I interrupting something?”

#Roman Ahcan #Brock Caufield #Cole Caufield #Owen Lindmark #Alex Turcotte #Ryder Donovan

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enviedear · 4 years

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that damn american ᵗʷᵒ

quadpot and miniskirts

DESCRIPTION ⌙ in which y/n l/n cheers her brother on for the first quadpot game, and draco is unimpressed by blaise’s love of your miniskirt.

PAIRING ⌙ draco x fem!reader

WORD COUNT ⌙ 1.5k

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

chapter one | chapter two | chapter three | chapter four

chapter twooooo hehe i’m going to rec two songs from the playlist for this chapter, gold by brockhampton and the chain by fleetwood mac (side note - that would be a great mashup) now, enjoy the second chapter.

it’s been a week since your first day and today is the first quadpot match. you’re eating breakfast with your friends, and mulling over how in the world you’re going to make a halftime routine work with only six girls, when a deep voice calls for you.

you look up to find blaise zabini, “yeah?” you ask.

“i was wondering what a cheer team does. draco’s saying you just yell on the field.” he questions, face utterly calm.

“dude please don’t get her started this early in the morning.” quinn groans, putting a hand to his face.

you make a face at your brother, “actually we’re meant to entertain the crowd. we dance and we stunt. you’ll understand later. i can promise you i do more than yell.”

blaise shrugs and returns his gaze back to draco, who’s glaring at you.

you raise your eyebrows at him, “staring is rude you know.”

the boy doesn’t respond and instead takes a sip of his pumpkin juice.

“hey y/n, i think ally is calling for you, good luck with the practice.” sophie tells you.

you smile at her and make you way to your co-captain. when you reach her, she’s fumbling trying to carry her poms, speaker, and water bottle.

“hey girl, any ideas on how we’re supposed to make this work?” she asks, walking out of the dining hall, you not far behind.

“we haven’t had time to make a new routine so let’s just go with the last year’s homecoming dance and the stunts from our practice before summer.” you say as you both enter the quidditch field.

on the field are the remaining four girls, stretching and laughing.

“alright ladies, i hope you remember the dance from homecoming. now up, we’ve got a game to cheer.” you smile.

lucky for you, your team - well the fraction of it you have - is easy to work with and before practice is over the routine is perfect.

“y/n, do you know where the uniforms are?” ally asks, looking through the trunk full of quadpot and cheer gear.

“i think they’re under the brooms.” you say, leaning down to look yourself.

ally grabs the brooms, and sets them down, going back in for the uniforms. she comes back up with a smile on her face and begins handing them out to the girls.

“thanks,” you say to her as she hands you yours. you look at the rest of the team, “the boy’s are about to be out here to practice so go to your dorms, change, eat lunch, and be back here at exactly 4:00.” you tell them.

they nod at you and sprint for the castle.

you and ally continue clearing the field and after five minutes the boys’ are behind you.

“hey y/n.” your brother greets, grabbing his broom from the ground.

“hey quinn, good luck tonight.” you smile.

“i appreciate it, but we’re playing horned serpent. and even though we’re down to half a team, they’re going to get pummeled.” he laughs, shoving sebastian.

you roll your eyes at the two of them and bid them farewell before making your way to the slytherin common room.

you head straight for your dorm and are met with april and sophie laughing profusely.

“what the hell did i miss?” you ask, looking at the two of them.

“bitch, april made that video from last night one of those gta ‘wasted’ memes and i sent it around the school. i just got a snap of draco reacting to it and, holy shit, it’s too good.” sophie laughs.

you snatch the phone from her and watch the video. draco is sat outside on a bench talking with zabini when a pukwudgie, davis, comes up to him, holding out his phone and telling the blond to play the video. after a short lived moment of draco and blaise asking what exactly the phone is, draco plays the video. you see his face grow bright red and begin insulting the video, yelling ‘just wait until my father hears about this’.

“that’s beautiful.” you chuckle, giving sophie the phone back.

“i think draco’s my favorite person i’ve met so far.” april giggles. “he’s such a spoiled brat. it’s amazed me.”

the three of you continue talking as you slip into your uniform. the black and orange colored top and skirt are tight on your body. the top is decorated with the wampus emblem and the skirt is simple with a small slit on the left side.

“i think those skirts get shorter every year.” april winks, smacking your ass.

“oh shut up, let’s grab lunch before the game, i’m hungry.” you smile, grabbing your poms.

you and your friends enter the dining hall, scoring seats near the head of the table.

you grab some roast chicken and a hefty helping of potatoes and begin scarfing down your food.

you and your friends don’t talk much, finding the food much more important.

“you eat like a starved house elf.” draco says, sitting beside you.

“keep up the insults and i won’t throw you a wampus tee-shirt during the game. you’d feel pretty left out without one.” you smirk, taking a bite of your chicken.

“well, y/n, i’d love to get a shirt,” blaise grins. “so long as you keep that uniform on for the rest of the night. i’m fond of the skirt.”

you let out a shocked laugh, “jeez buddy, i didn’t know it took one tiny skirt to win you over. wait till you see the rest of the team, you might have a heart attack.”

blaise laughs and draco seems wildly uncomfortable between the two of you. you’re enjoying the little game blaise is playing with draco.

“so what’s the routine for tonight’s game?” sophie asks.

“we’re dancing to gold, the song we used at homecoming, and doing the pyramid from last year’s spring pep rally.” you say.

“i love that song. and the dance is hot, i’m so glad i get to take you back to my room once it over.” april teases.

you wink at her, “i’m going to be the one in control tonight, baby.”

the three of you laugh.

“you’re going to be doing more provocative dancing tonight? great. let the whole school know you’re a bin-” blaise interrupts draco, “we’re excited to see it.” he says.

draco rolls his eyes, smiling ever so slightly.

‘so he’s enjoying this too’

soon enough, it’s game time. the boy’s enter the field and you and the rest of the girls and crowd cheer them on. the game is fast and your brother leads the wampus team easily.

come half-time, the horned serpents are tired and ready to have the game over. but wampus house, and the rest of hogwarts, is awake and wild. the routine you preform with your team is a hit instantly and the hogwarts students soon become acquainted with all the cheers.

when the game finally ends, you rush to give your brother a hug.

“you did so good baby brother!” you giggle, pinching his cheek.

his curls on his head are a mess, but the smile on his face doesn’t fade.

“did you see when i threw the quad at finn,” your brother chuckles. “blew up right in his stupid face. i mean that play was legendary.”

you’re about to respond before the wampus team lifts your brother up heading toward the locker room chanting, ‘l/n! l/n! l/n!’.

you stick around after everyone else to clean, telling your team to enjoy the rest of their night. you finally make it to the slytherin stands, ready to clean up the copious amounts of wrappers and cups.

“i don’t need your help.” draco says, emerging from the stands, holding a bag full of trash.

“sucks. i’m already here.” you shrug.

draco groans, “this a prefects’ job. i don’t need some dumb american to help me.”

“you’re not doing a good job at pretending to hate me. and isn’t there two prefects?” you ask.

“i don’t have to pretend. i don’t like you now and i’ll never like you. you’re just so loud.” he shutters.

“answer my next question.” you command, taking the bag of trash from him and picking up more.

“of course there are two prefects’, but parkinson neglects her duties.” he huffs.

“then what’s the issue with me helping again?” you smirk.

draco sighs, defeated, “i guess you’re right. i still don’t like you though.”

“fine by me, draco malfoy.” you smile.

after a few minutes, the two of you are done and walking back to the slytherin common room.

“you know, you’re not the worst company.” you tell the boy.

“thanks, you’re okay.” he says, giving you a teasing look.

“so are we cool?” you ask before stating the password to the common room.

just as draco is about to reply, the door opens and shows the two of you a vibrant scene.

the slytherin common room is in the midst of a party.

you look to draco and see him looking utterly pissed.

‘this should be fun’.

#—myfics !#Draco Malfoy #draco malfoy fanfiction #draco fanfiction #draco lucius malfoy #draco x y/n #draco x reader #draco x female reader #draco x poc! reader #draco x black!reader #draco malfoy series #harry potter #harry potter fanfiction #hogwarts #draco x ilvernmorny! reader #draco x american! reader

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bronanlynch · 3 years

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weekly-ish media roundup (I’ve really gotta pick a consistent day for these but unfortunately the days of the week have kind of lost meaning for me, the only time passing I’m aware of is when it’s my turn to cook dinner. it’s been that kind of whatever length of time, y’know?)

listening: since sea shanties are apparently the hot new trend, please appreciate my two favorite variations on Drunken Sailor: Drunken Whaler (from the Dishonored soundtrack), which I love for how incredibly creepy it is, both in sound and lyrics, and Drunk Space Pirate by The Mechanisms, which just absolutely fucking slaps, wow I love The Mechs (sidenote: this recording is from their last-ever liveshow, and I am personally very sad I got into them just too late to ever see them live). whenever I have Drunken Sailor stuck in my head it’s usually some awful mashup of all three versions like. what do we do with a drunk space pirate? feed him to the hungry rats for dinner!

youtube

reading: Drowned God by R.F. Kuang (short story about one of the characters of the Poppy War series, which is extremely good like. political intrigue military fantasy, except I know when I say that most people probably imagine some grimdark white dude bullshit but no! this is not that! this is really fucking good and everything the genre can and should be!) it’s a very good short story and it did make me very sad, and also gave me lots of feelings about, specifically, one of the best m/f ships I’ve ever been convinced to care about. love a school rivals to reluctant allies to battle couple to enemies to reluctant allies again to maybe lovers to enemies again. it’s very tasty.

also, The City Unbreachable by Yoon Ha Lee (from the f/f anthology Silk and Steel) which has some incredibly intriguing sci-fi worldbuilding about sentient spaceship-cities and the societies on them and the people who are bonded with them

watching: Rowan Ellis, a video essayist I vaguely follow, made a video about Black Sails, specifically comparing the endings of Black Sails and Game of Thrones to explain like. why the Game of Thrones ending didn’t work, which is a niche that appeals to my personal interests, because when the whole self-congratulatory “storytellers are the most important people ever actually please give us awards” speech in the GoT finale started I was like. you’re not Black Sails you didn’t earn this shut the fuck up. so it’s satisfying to see someone else with an actual platform make those same points.

I don’t agree with everything she says, obviously, because I am opinionated and contrary but I like the way she analyzes things and I do think she makes lots of good points and uses lots of good examples. however, I do find it kinda disappointing that literally everyone who talks about Black Sails in any kind of serious journalistic way talks down the first season. she doesn’t do it as much as most people but I think that season 1 is good and everyone is just unfairly comparing it to season 2, the best season of television ever created, so of course anything else isn’t gonna look great by comparison. like, I do dislike the sexual assault plotline but aside from that, it’s really good?? literally the first episode has the “civilization (derogatory) needs gossip because it reinforces shame” speech. the “and they called me a monster” Moment and Flint’s Odysseus monologue are both season 1! the Max/Eleanor relationship and breakup that underscore the main themes of the show is season 1! season 1 is really good!

youtube

playing: more Knife of Dunwall, to the surprise of absolutely no one. I think last time I did one of these I was still stuck in the first mission because turns out sabotaging a factory is hard if you don’t pay for the favor that turns off the alarms, which I didn’t because I spent all my money on sleepdarts and elixirs. I changed my mind about doing the sabotage because I kept getting spotted, but when I went back to find the capitalist who owned the factory so that I could uh. torture the information out of him because that’s the low chaos option apparently, the labor organizer who I’d rescued had killed him. thanks Abigale. you’re so valid but you made my life so much harder. my expert strategy for getting through that level is that you knock everyone out before you fuck with any of the valves, so that when the alarms go off there’s hardly anyone left awake to come after you. also, move all the bodies away from the valves so they don’t die in the explosion. if you still care about getting low chaos despite picking the incredibly high chaos option. which I do lol. but it paid off, I barely killed anyone, I’m still at low chaos, everything is fine except that Billie made fun of me for setting off the alarms because Knife of Dunwall is a game about being disrespected by your own daughter.

anyway. I’m partway through the second mission now so. we’ll see how that goes

making: one of my roommates and I made pierogi from scratch last night which Imo is a little too labor-intensive to be worth it considering that you can also just buy pre-made ones and all you have to do is fry them. but it’s a cool thing to have done.

the thing I actually want to talk about is the lasagna we made today, or like. more generally the red sauce I make from scratch whenever we do pasta with red sauce, because I do not care for store-bought marinara on account of chunks of tomato are not a good texture for me. all of the sauce recipes including the lasagna recipe say to add crushed and/or diced tomato, and one of my favorite things about adulthood is that if you don’t like something, you don’t have to cook with it! so I can ignore those parts of the recipes! I do not actually have a recipe for the sauce the way I make it because I strongly believe that herbs and spices and garlic are measured with the heart, but trust me when I say it fucking slaps.

there’s spinach in there so that we, as a household, eat our vegetables, and the meat is ground turkey because I can’t eat beef

writing: mostly, cover letters. also a few fics with deadlines that I can’t talk about much yet because they’re for events, and then I posted a fic for an exchange centered around women in various MXTX works, which is about soft domesticity and I thought turned out pretty well

#dreaming.txt #contains pictures of food #i am. way more of a stereotypical housewife than i ever expected to be tbh #why does my life revolve around cooking and dishes

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stressedspidergirlsfandomblog · 4 years

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Day 3: Cursed

Title: Cursed

Ship: Geralt x Dandelion

Prompt Day: 3

Medium: Books / Netflix Mashup

Warnings: Self-hatred, references to past abuse Geralt has canonically suffered. Non-graphic sex.

Summary: “You think you’re different. You flaunt your otherness, what you consider abnormal. You aggressively impose that abnormality on others, not understanding that for people who think clear-headedly you’re the most normal man under the sun, and they all wish that everyone was so normal. What of it that you have quicker reflexes than most and vertical pupils in sunlight? That you can see in the dark like a cat? That you know a few spells?” -Andrzej Sapkowski, Sword of Destiny

Dandelion is cursed to read minds and finds out just how wrong his past words have been.

Read me on Ao3 instead

Word Count: 8651

Author’s Note: This exchange always bothered me in the books. Dandelion dismissing the obvious pain and humiliation and suffering Geralt endures because he’s a witcher. Arguably in some ways he probably thinks he’s helping but it doesn’t make things any better for Geralt in general. I wanted a less verbose Geralt to give a reason for the curse, So I’m tossing in some Netflix canon.

Dandelion had always wondered what Geralt was thinking. His companion was usually taciturn, and at turns rude. He spoke at length on monsters, and not much else. Not to mention some of Geralt’s other bedpartners hadn’t seemed to be… on the up and up. Coral had left Dandelion with so many questions, and Geralt hadn’t seemed to know why he was bedding the witch either. At least with Yennefer he knew. Even if he was an idiot about it.

Triss hadn’t seemed right, either, he had never known Geralt to have any interest in her, and then he’d found himself in her bed. Needless to say, the bard was occasionally left wondering if Geralt truly wanted to be in his bed, or was just grateful for any company at all. He believed himself too other to find an easily willing bedpartner, and frequently fucked women who saw him as a curiosity to satisfy rather than a man. Or at least he had. Now, he was rubbing himself against the bard several times a week. While Geralt had given no indication he wanted to stray, or wasn’t enjoying himself, Dandelion still wondered. He had never known Geralt to bed a man before, but he supposed the witcher’s keep only housed men, and perhaps that’s how he’d started his ‘career’ as it were. The poet had never been brave enough to ask.

So when he found himself in town waiting for Geralt to come back from a contract, he went browsing local shops and markets to kill time. He hadn’t intended to go into a magic shop, it wasn’t as if he needed philters or potions to enhance their lovemaking. Nor much of anything else that he would find there. Geralt was free of disease, as was he, so he didn’t need cures.

Dandelion did, however, debate on some healing salves and bruise balms for his companion. Geralt wouldn’t outwardly appreciate it but would allow the poet to apply them to his hurts. A book caught his eye as he browsed, the shopkeeper busy with another set of patrons off in the corner of the shop. Having spent enough time around witchers and sorcerers, Dandelion knew this shop was the real deal. The book was likely to be a real spell book of sorts. To amuse himself, he began to flip through it.

There was a ‘curse’ of some kind, to be able to read a person’s mind. The parts he skimmed were the opening parts about prying, lesson learned, curse, deepest secrets, and so forth. What he committed to memory were the ingredients and other steps. Some herbs he already had, something of Geralt’s, or something that held his essence…well he shed that white hair all over and Dandelion was sure he’d find some on their pillow or in their bags somewhere. If not, there would be something else of his that should do. Then he had to speak some words in Elder and that should be enough. Dandelion could not tap into the Source, but the spell didn’t seem to require it if the person you were ‘cursing’ to have their thoughts read could. Or perhaps the curse was the person who would then be able to read minds? The spell would end when it ended, he didn’t bother to read anything about that, either.

A harmless little gimmick. It probably wouldn’t work, and if it did, he would get his question answered and the spell would fade away.

He purchased some extra bandaging, a little more healing salve, and then went back to the attic they were staying in. The only entrance was external, so he wouldn’t have to pass through the house. A sort of friend of Geralt’s had been happy to give them a place to stay. There was a small table and chair, both rickety, and a paillasse to sleep on with a few candles here and there in small dishes around the room. Dandelion set up the healing supplies on the table, in case they were needed. Geralt didn’t always get hurt, or sometimes the most he got was a bruise or two. And other times… other times he came back a mess.

Bored after a while, he had explored the town quite thoroughly and had found nothing all that interesting to do. Ordinarily he might have gone to a brothel, but he was quite content with Geralt who did not especially enjoy when his partners left his bed. Throughout the years he and Yennefer had worked out an arrangement where they only slept with others when they weren’t together. Dandelion privately wondered if Yennefer maintained this promise, but Geralt had enhanced senses and should know. Or at least guess. And if he didn’t want to, that was his choice.

If nothing else, Dandelion had stayed faithful, and would continue to do so. Fingers drumming against his leg as he paced about, he recalled the ‘curse’. Deciding since he had no magical talent and Geralt had very little, perhaps he could try it, he set about gathering up the ingredients. Since it wasn’t going to work, there was no harm in playing pretend was there? Even if part of him hoped it would. The insight would be invaluable. Especially since Geralt was so awful at giving him details for the ballads.

Bored after, he fell asleep waiting for Geralt.

Hooves clattering and steps on the stairs leading up to the attic woke him and he was surprised to find Geralt stripped of his armor and clean already. Geralt must have gone and turned over proof of his kill and gotten paid, then gone to bathe. He always hid his money away and never shared where he put it and Dandelion didn’t much care. Better he didn’t know in case someone tried to get it.

“You’re back!” Dandelion smiled, then started oddly and frowned. Of course I’m back. He hadn’t seen Geralt’s mouth move and honestly he hadn’t expected the spell to work. Why would you think I wasn’t coming back? It was just a measly little dracolizard. “I’m just happy to see you, and clean before I get to you, to boot.”

“Hmm.” I can wash myself. I don’t always need you to do it. Even if it sometimes feels nice. I was washing myself my whole life until you showed up and kept taking over. Without asking.

“I suppose that’s that, here, let me look you over, alright? Did you get hurt?”

“No,” Geralt answers the second question but then begins tugging his shirt off to prove to the bard he isn’t lying. Not going to believe me anyway. Never take me at my word when it comes to injuries. Smelled the bruise balm from outside it’s so strong. Don’t fuss over me, just kiss me.

Able to see the hunger in Geralt’s face even under the annoyance of his thoughts, Dandelion quickly packed away the medical supplies in a bag and hoped that would lessen the smell of the salve. Then turned to Geralt who was stripping out of his pants, ostensibly to prove he was uninjured. But with the ability to read minds the poet knew Geralt wanted a lot more than a few kisses. And even without the ability, his half hard cock hanging between his legs was another good indicator of his hopes.

Don’t talk at me, just love me. Or tell me you aren’t going to and I’ll get dressed again.

“Don’t you look a sight?” The bard smiled, and felt his smile falter a little.

“Hmm.” I know I’m hideous. I’ve seen myself in the doppler. I don’t own a mirror for that reason. I don’t see why you insist on reminding me.

“Oh love,” Dandelion breathed out miserably. “Come to me, help me out of these clothes, they’re far fussier than yours.”

“Hurry up, then,” Geralt stepped in to assist him. If you drag this out the elixirs will stop any of it from happening. And after the day I’ve had, I need something good. I need to feel good. You’ve told me that matters to you, prove it. Prove it before the elixirs wear out entirely. Yennefer isn’t here with her little spell.

“I’m hurrying,” Dandelion agreed, soon naked and willing. “I love you so much,” he carefully began stroking Geralt, pushing him back towards the bed. He had seen what the witcher wanted, and he was determined to give it to him. It was a lovely image, and incredibly appealing. Soon, he was unable to speak, kissing Geralt as he pushed him down into the bed. Things rather devolved from there.

Easy, easy, my skin is more sensitive than yours. Quiet, quiet, not too loud, oh, oh yes more of that, please don’t stop, oh, oh. Push against me, I want all of you, be closer. Like that, just like that, Gentle, gentle, please, yes, treat me like that.

I can bear it, I can bear the pain if you want to be rough. Whatever it takes.

The poet had gone from stroking him off to bringing their bodies in close to rub himself against Geralt, and the thoughts running through the witcher’s head caught him off guard. He hadn’t thought once he had ever hurt his partner in bed, never known how sensitive he was to the touch especially while aroused. Perhaps the elixirs were the cause this time, he wasn’t sure, he always made sure Geralt came, and surely he wouldn’t if he wasn’t pleased? He always came back seeking more… had Dandelion been doing him some kind of disservice this whole time?

He slipped down Geralt’s body, as good as moving together had felt, he wanted to do something special. Something they didn’t indulge in often. As he brought his mouth to Geralt’s cock, he half wondered if the spell wore off because Geralt stopped thinking entirely for a few minutes.

Then, his thoughts resumed.

Geralt groaned softly, back arching and body trembling. So good at that, yes, like that. Oh, you’ve never been that gentle before, it’s good. So good. Always do it like this. Fuck. Fuck. I’m going to come early. Being wound up tight as a spring, I can feel it. Oh. Oh, please do this again. Do that. Do that… yes… I don’t want it to be over so soon.

Dandelion smiled when Geralt cried out quietly, muffling his voice with a hand over his mouth. The witcher reached out for him, determined to bring him to his own climax, to let him share in how good he felt, only to find the bard already satisfied. “Pleasing you pleases me,” Dandelion told him shortly, kissing him softly. He was now realizing that while sometimes Geralt’s hands were frantic, gripping and seeking, it was fear that drove him to reach like that. To try and cover what he could before he thought he would lose it. But his kisses, the witcher always kissed like he was kissing someone precious and fragile. Now Dandelion understood it. He gently kissed Geralt’s palms and the tips of his calloused fingers, holding one against his cheek.

“Need to sleep some,” Geralt informed him. Damned elixirs. I’d rather just go another round. Wanted more of you. Want all of you. Stay with me. I hate sleeping alone.

“I wouldn’t mind a bit of a nap myself.” Dandelion surprised them both by wrapping himself around Geralt for a change. He buried his face in the nape of the witcher’s neck, breathing in the scent of him. Soap had given way to sweat and sex, and the bard found he didn’t care. He kissed the back of Geralt’s neck gently and held him closer.

Eskel used to do this. It brought him comfort to hold me. As much as it did me. No one’s held me like this since I was a snot-nosed brat back at the keep. Feels nice. I’m so tired. So tired of hunting down these monsters that by all rights didn’t do much wrong. No more so than a human. And then getting treated like shit on a boot for it. Fucking bastards tried to underpay me , again. If a local barrister hadn’t overheard us shouting about the contract I might not have got paid at all.

Sometimes I half hope the monsters will kill me, but then I come back and you’re here, and it’s less bad. You aren’t afraid to touch me, to hold me, and I feel a little less alone. Of course if you knew you’d lord it over me, my weakness. I can see the little caper you’d cut, mocking me for hiding my feelings. I wish I could tell you. I’m just so sick and tired of being hurt.

Dandelion found himself stroking Geralt’s hair until the witcher fell asleep, utterly exhausted. The poet now felt he understood why the spell was listed as a curse. He had thought perhaps it wasn’t so bad, learning more about Geralt’s preferences in their bed. Even if it cut him to the bone to know the witcher wouldn’t speak up. Of course, sharing his thoughts also made Dandelion aware of just how strong Geralt’s enhanced senses were and how much he filtered out. The bard had no such training and had found every noise and smell Geralt was aware of rather distracting. It had pleased him, however, to know the witcher liked the smell of him.

Dandelion fell asleep again, one arm wrapped snugly around Geralt’s middle.

Please, I don’t want to. It hurt. I don’t understand. No, no, no stop. Don’t hurt them. Don’t hurt them. Do what you want to me. Cut me open, take out my eyes, castrate me, all the things you’ve threatened, just don’t hurt them. I’ll beg. I’ll beg for you to hurt me if that will stop you. Please no, leave him alone, don’t make me watch. No, not her, how can I choose? Take me. Hurt me. Cut me into pieces but don’t ask me to choose.

Dandelion woke up in the room, darkness preventing him from seeing much of anything. Geralt was still asleep in his arms and it took him several minutes to realize that one, the pain was fake, and two Geralt was still dreaming. The witcher wasn’t doing anything to indicate his distress, and the bard smoothed a hand over him in an attempt to calm him. The muscles under his palm were rigid, and nothing he did helped. Geralt was well and truly trapped in the nightmare. No wonder he didn’t like sleeping alone. Dandelion pulled himself out of the bed and found some matches to light some of the candles around the room. Then he tugged on his smallclothes and a pair of pants before attempting to wake Geralt again.

Shaking his shoulder and springing away to avoid a blow worked. “Geralt, Geralt wake up, I’m here.”

Blind, blind and going to die, oh, there’s fire. I hate being burned. “Dandelion?” his voice was thick with sleep, throat tight from refusing to scream.

“Here, drink some water,” the bard passed over a cup. The water wasn’t much cooler than the room, but it was something and Geralt slaked his thirst with little ceremony. “Are you alright?”

“Of course. Why did you wake me?” Thank the gods you did. How did you know? Did I cry out? I had thought they beat that out of me long ago. I thought I had learned to be quiet. Am I slipping?

“You just felt tense, that’s all. I woke up and made to gather you back up into my arms and you were stiff as a rock,” Dandelion felt his heart squeeze. Oh, this was awful. Knowing all of this was awful. He could see the scene in his mind’s eye, as Geralt remembered it. The nightmares, an older man with lambent eyes dragging him from his bed to belt him for disturbing the night. Eyes stinging, Dandelion held Geralt as close as the witcher allowed.

“Are you alright?”

“A bad dream of my own,” he lied, heart pounding against his ribs. Who would hit a child for having a nightmare? No one with a heart, at the very least. “You know I love you?”

“Yes, Dandelion, so you’ve said.” To thousands of women and men I’m sure. And I’m sure you always think you mean it. Well, I know you don’t. I know you didn’t care much about Veverka or Akeretta. Or a great deal of the others you just wanted to dip your cock in someone else. If it isn’t wet you seem to think it’ll dry up and die like a plant in the desert. I don’t want to be one of your Veverkas. I don’t think I can much decide if what I feel for you is the same as what you feel for me until I know what you mean when you say ‘I love you’. You’ve said it to so many and for so little reason who can blame me for thinking it insincere? Much like “my little dog doesn’t bite” is always insincere. “My son is a good boy; it was that hussy that made him do it.” I wish I believed you. I want to. But it will hurt less when you turn to your next conquest if I don’t let myself believe you now.

“I mean it, Geralt. I mean it,” Dandelion told him raggedly, pained at what he heard in his lover’s mind. “Yours is the last bed I mean to share.”

“So you’ve said.” He probably believes it too, poor bastard. He might even feel guilty when it turns out not to be true. I won’t blame him. It won’t be his fault. It’s his very nature. Part of being part of his guild, even. I knew this before I got involved with him in this way. I wish he meant it. I wish he meant it like I would mean it if I could bear to say it.

Dandelion resolved then and there to go back to the shop once it was open and reread how exactly to end the spell. This is wrong. He’ll tell Geralt, he should probably tell him now, but he doesn’t mean to keep it up. He’s done them both a disservice. And in some ways, done them both a service, but this is enough. He can’t sleep and spends the rest of the night holding Geralt and stroking his hair. The witcher doesn’t dream again until near daybreak. A faceless woman with hair that shifted between red and chestnut straddled him, and he felt helpless.

Dandelion shook him awake gently, he knew what that dream meant, even if Geralt didn’t. The witcher woke hopelessly confused about his own distress. But the poet understood the confusion was deliberate. In his dream he could taste the cold tang of magic and knew exactly what was happening. It didn’t benefit him to admit any of that to himself, however, and so he didn’t. Dandelion would not be the one to make him, not when Geralt had so many other pressing horrors to face. It would be wrong to add more. At least he knew that much.

“Let’s go get us some food,” the bard suggested. “The bakeries have already got stalls in the market for people setting up. My treat, I sang in a few taverns the past two days while you were off hunting. My purse is full.” And no one had cheated him anything. Not to mention his food and drink had been paid. “And no, Geralt, I didn’t fuck anyone while you were gone. I waited for you. As I have for the past few years now.”

He isn’t lying. His heart didn’t so much as stutter. Although perhaps it was in the phrasing. Make love. Maybe he made love to someone and he’s just fucking me. Either way it won’t do to dwell on it.

“I did not have sex of any kind with anyone. I was celibate in your absence. I missed you desperately.”

He believes that, too. Perhaps he was faithful. Perhaps he has been as he says. I wonder for how long? I don’t want to go out to the market. I don’t want to see people notice what I am. They won’t feed me anyway. Dandelion won’t listen. What did he tell me all those years ago? There was nothing special about me? I was one of the most ordinary men other than my eyes and senses? I can’t remember his exact turn of phrase. He doesn’t understand what it’s like to be hated everywhere he goes. No point in arguing. I don’t want to stay here alone. I’ll just hang back, let him do the haggling. Even if it means I’ll have to watch him flirt with every stall owner in town as we go.

They left the room after dressing and cleaning up, Dandelion insisting on gently wiping Geralt down first. He knew the witcher enjoyed it and found the gentle intimacy just as pleasurable as the sex they’d had earlier. So few people were willing to touch him with genuine kindness that it always pleased him. It hurt a little, to Dandelion, that Geralt felt more loved in those little moments then he did at almost any other time. But now he knew. Now he would go out of his way to have more small moments like this between them.

The agony of what he’d done cut him to the bone, knowing he had betrayed Geralt’s trust. He had become another person who would take advantage and hurt him. He would use this experience, this mistake, to change how he treated the witcher. He would treat him more like a lover. When Geralt would allow it, at least.

He slipped his arm through Geralt’s, smiling as he spoke to him at length about the gossip of the town, determined to pretend all was well. Geralt’s internal commentary about the vagaries of man and their general idiocy almost made him laugh and he realized Geralt enjoyed these talks as much as he did. He just felt like his opinion or comments would be unwelcome or extraneous. Dandelion wasn’t sure how to draw them out of him, but it was good to know they were there. In spite of his feigned irritation.

“Here, this stall has a kind of pastry you like,” Dandelion smiled, squeezing Geralt’s arm gently. “The one next to it has juice, I’ll get us some. It seems a touch nicer than water. Or watery ale so early. The sun’s hardly up. Would you like to look for a place we could rest and eat?” There, that should allow Geralt to stay hidden.

He could hear Geralt’s vague but constant internal fear people would notice him and what they would do when they did. Not everyone got ugly, but so many did. The barrage of memories of being stoned, struck, whipped, slapped, beaten, and forced out threatened to choke the poet, and he took a deep breath. It got easier when Geralt was a little further away.

Stooped on purpose, to act more like his hair was from age than a ‘harmless’ side effect of the experiments, he wanted to draw up the hood of his cloak, but no one else had and so he would still stand out like a sore thumb. His headband was in his pocket, where it couldn’t stop his hair from hiding his face. He knew in the sunlight his pupils were as slits, preventing him from being blinded by the sun. He kept his eyes cast downwards, less chance of anyone seeing him.

Don’t look at me. I’m not here. I am simply part of the scenery. I won’t hurt you. I was so stupid to think that Vesemir was wrong. I was so stupid to think that I would be seen as anything other than what I am: a monster and a mutant. What else do I do but what monsters do? Kill, fuck, eat, sleep…

Cats know us for what we are, that’s why they hiss and run. Just once, though, I might like to touch one. I’ve heard them purr from a distance, but I can’t imagine what it feels like to touch one while it’s purring. Not that I like them, but I can’t hate them, either. They perform a task. They kill vermin. Perhaps that’s another reason they hate us. How many of them died to allow their genes to be mutated to ours? Hundreds? Thousands? I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t want eyes like a cat. I didn’t even want to be a witcher, I don’t think. I can’t recall anymore. Now, all I want is to be left in peace. A kind touch, food in my belly, and a contract to make sure none of that changes.

“Here, love, did you find us a place?”

“It’s a short walk.”

“That’s fine by me, I think I remembered all your favorites.”

It was then that Geralt noticed the basket the bard is carrying. There were a few small skins of juice, and several cloth wrapped items. He sniffs appreciatively, nostrils flaring when he caught the scents of cinnamon, rhubarb, and apple. There was more, like strawberry, and something he didn’t recognize that smelled sweet. His mouth watered and Dandelion kissed his cheek.

“No one had anything with meat, and I didn’t want to get any pierogis to put in and have the onion taint the sweets. We can go back later if you’re still hungry. I know how you like pierogis,” Dandelion smiled.

Geralt smiled fondly back, oddly relaxed. His body language eased, and he forgot to hunch in on himself for a while. His sharp hearing picked up the unkind words about his appearance some people shared behind his back, guessing him to be a witcher. He hunched back down, trying to hide behind Dandelion’s peacocked clothing. Sometimes it worked. He’d left his swords in Roach’s care, knowing she would stomp anyone half to death for trying to take them. He had a dagger in his belt, and a few other knives. He wasn’t defenseless. Not that he needed a weapon to protect himself.

Dandelion felt himself wilt. Nothing he did was good enough to stop the world from hurting his lover. How did Geralt bear it? he wondered, heartsick. No wonder he and Yennefer couldn’t last if she could read his mind like that at all times. The misery would be enough to make anyone despair. And it was nothing Geralt did, it was everything around him. The minute he let himself forget someone did or said something. He had to constantly be aware of himself. He gently rubbed a hand up and down Geralt’s back while they waited for a cart to pass.

Feels nice. It’s almost like he knew I needed it. It was good to walk arm and arm, before. As friends. I know he sticks up for me, I know he cares about me. It’s good to be reminded of it in the simple things, too.

Geralt lead them to a soft patch of grass under a tree he’d noticed on their way into town. It was far enough away from the main path to avoid notice, without being inconveniently far from the town. He had anticipated needing a place to be that would shelter him from the people and had scoped out several likely spots that would allow him to resupply without putting him in danger. Dandelion felt another piece of his heart break off and shatter.

They would eat, he would go back to town with Geralt, and take him to the shop. He would admit what he did and read the spell again and find out how to end it, and he would grovel. He would apologize, he would do whatever it took to fix things between them and let Geralt know he hadn’t truly even thought it would work. He had been bored, and foolish, and selfish. Geralt often forgave him, even when he shouldn’t. He would even offer to let Geralt spell him, instead. Let him see how remorseful he was, how much he realized what he had done was horrible and wrong. Then from there, Geralt could decide to forgive him or not. If nothing else, hopefully Geralt would see that he meant it when he confessed his love. Every time. And even if the witcher chose to leave, at least he could know that much.

They ate breakfast together, Geralt humming in pleasure to see cinnamon and sugar dusted sweet rolls. These had small streaks of cinnamon and sugar also baked into the dough and he ate them carefully, doing his best not to lose a single grain of sugar to the grass beneath them.

“I should have gotten more of those. I’ll go back first thing tomorrow. Get you an even half dozen or more if they have it,” Dandelion promised. He had gotten enough for both of them to share but hadn’t said anything about it. He realized now Geralt often went hungry or didn’t eat enough in general, trying to make sure Dandelion had enough. His own appetite diminished, he slowly ate one of the apricot tarts he’d gotten, knowing Geralt wasn’t overly fond of them. When the witcher offered him one of the sweet rolls he shook his head, pained to know the offer was genuine. Geralt wanted to share with him. “Oh, please, love, eat them all. I know how much you love them. We can get more.”

Geralt then picked out some of the rhubarb tarts, surprised that Dandelion was willing to indulge him on these. It was Yennefer who had introduced him to rhubarb in general, initially in the form of various jams. Some of which had been thrown rather than served with food. Some were mixed with other fruits, and each time he offered to share he was gently denied and so he ate them. They wouldn’t keep without getting horribly soggy. The flaky pastry with the warm fruit was a comfort. It had been ages since they’d eaten like this. When the bard wasn’t the one doing the purchasing half the time they gave Geralt the worst food.

Of course, I can eat it, what does it matter if it’s burned? Or perhaps a bit turned? It won’t make me sick. I can survive just about anything, including a little mold. Can’t count how many times I’ve been given awful supplies. Didn’t have any choice but to eat them. What was I going to do, go hungry? Some places don’t have enough hunting I could turn down moldy bread and cheese. This is so much better. Warm and fresh, the berries mixed in still sweet and tart… I don’t see why he follows me about when he could eat like this always. He’s a fucking viscount. And what have I got to offer him? Jerked meat or rabbit stew if that. I can’t feed him rotten supplies. Just like the tavern last week gave me the leavings from the stew, hardly any meat. Mostly just lumps of fat and gristle, but I was hungry. They didn’t even want to give me that much. I’m just glad their bad will stops with me, and doesn’t extend to him, he doesn’t deserve it. I’m not human, I can digest almost anything, poison or food.

His thoughts were interrupted by a new kind of fruit tart he hadn’t had before, and he didn’t think of anything else while he ate it, enjoying the tangy sweet flavor of the yellow fruit cut into rings and set on top of a lightly flavored jam. At his insistence, Dandelion took a bite and promised to procure more before they left. He was aware of Dandelion’s general reek of misery, but he wasn’t sure what was causing it. It left him at times, and then came back at others and Geralt just felt lost. He didn’t think he was the cause of it, or at least he hoped not.

“You’ve got some preserve on your cheek,” Dandelion smiled, gently wiping it away and licking it off his finger. He leaned over to kiss the spot, lightly licking Geralt’s skin to clear away the stickiness. The witcher squirmed slightly at the attention, both pleased and embarrassed. The bard grinned widely, “Not as sweet as you, of course, but not bad.” He hated how Geralt dismissed the compliment out of hand before briefly wondering if his seed was sweet and he’d never noticed. The bard almost choked on his own spit at that last part. “Oh love, you’re so much more than you can ever believe yourself to be,” he said sadly.

Geralt looked at him sharply, slowing down on his decimation of their breakfast supplies for a moment before shrugging it off. It didn’t matter. Kind words hide bastard truths. He was much worse than he thought, usually, and if he let himself forget even for a moment people reminded him in spades.

Content to finish up the last of the apple tarts, he had noticed Dandelion not eating much, but several prompts to eat as much as he wanted were met with no resistance. He was starving after the contract. The meal he’d managed to get before returning to Dandelion had been mediocre at best. Thankfully not half rotten, but nothing filling. Some watery soup and stringy meat with almost no vegetables had done nothing but take the worst of the edge off his hunger. Mostly full, he picks idly at the last roll in the basket, enjoying the peace and quiet.

“Would you like me to get more?”

“No,” Geralt told him quietly. He cracked open one of the skins and sipped slowly, pleased to taste a mix of fruits in the juice. He passed the skin to the bard who drank deeply before passing it back.

They did this with the others before Dandelion took a few deep breaths.

“What’s wrong?”

“You are always so much more perceptive than I give you credit for. I did something foolish, but it won’t… I suppose it only affects us, and even then, not as much as it could. Not as negatively as it could. Or perhaps badly. Geralt I don’t know how to… can we just sit a few moments and enjoy the peace before I ruin it?”

“Us?”

“Not physically. You won’t be harmed, I won’t be harmed. All…I know what you’re thinking.”

“I very much doubt that.”

“No, Geralt, I can literally read… you’re upset I’ve hidden something from you. Perhaps lied. You’re wondering if the food was a bribe. It wasn’t. I genuinely wanted to please you. You’re as welcome to be as angry as you’d like for as long as you’d like, but I didn’t make this mistake with the intention to hurt you. I wanted… I wanted to please you. And yes, I did remember the foods you liked, I didn’t need to see into your mind to do that. You weren’t even thinking of them when I bought breakfast, you were worried about how if you’d gone to get it you’d get bread full of weevils and rot and wouldn’t know how to hide it from me and still find me food to eat.”

Geralt’s eyes widened in alarm. “How?”

“I did it, I cocked it up, it wasn’t you. It wasn’t even done to me. I was at the healer’s shop looking for things in case you were injured. I saw a spell to allow one to read another person’s mind… and I tried it. I never thought it would work. I hope you know that. I know how you have trouble believing me when I’m sincere. I can’t blame you. I simply… I simply wanted to be… the truth of it, since you can’t hide anything from me and none of this is right, the truth is I was worried you had fallen into my bed not by choice. And I wanted the truth of it. And I truly, truly did not for even a moment think the spell would work. Not a moment. I thought it would fail and I would laugh at myself and move on. But you came back and I could hear you.” He fidgeted with his hands miserably, knowing what he did was despicable. Geralt’s thoughts were mostly confused, not angry. That was worse, somehow.

“I should have asked you, I know. But I did. And I got an answer but I couldn’t quite believe it. After all, you remember Triss rather fondly when you shouldn’t. Coral, too. I didn’t want us to be like that. I wanted to make sure you were as willing as you said. But I didn’t… I didn’t think it would work. And then I found out I hadn’t been pleasing you in bed as well as I thought -don’t protest, it’s true. I didn’t realize half the time I was hurting you a little. I had no idea how sensitive… how enhanced your sense of touch was. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I truly didn’t. That’s another thing I should have asked, but I didn’t… I knew about your hearing and sight, and sense of smell, but I had no idea it had changed even how you felt. No wonder you hate certain shirts of mine or won’t change what you wear. Oh, Geralt. I’m so sorry. I was planning on going straight to the shop with you right after to see how to end it. I should never have done this. I didn’t think it would work. I didn’t even go looking for it.”

Geralt’s thoughts were a whirlwind of confusion and fear. He had no idea what he’d exposed of himself that he hadn’t meant to, and he felt small and hurt. The anger Dandelion was waiting for never came. Even if it should have.

“I don’t need you to forgive me, or at least. I don’t deserve it, so I’m not asking, but let’s… let’s go to the shop, please. Let me undo this. Or you can cast it on me, if you’d rather. But, Geralt, it hasn’t… none of this has changed how I feel about you. I see I have made so many errors and misjudged you in other ways, but I don’t… I can’t stop it. I can’t stop it and I can see how ashamed you are. I’m the one who did the wrong thing, Geralt, not you. Please… please don’t use this as another reason to hate yourself. Hate me, if you must hate anyone. I did this without telling you, without thinking for a moment of the consequences. I didn’t think it was real. I didn’t… I didn’t think at all. That was wrong of me. I was wrong. Not you. Oh, love, I am so sorry. What I did was so unbearably wrong.”

Geralt flinched away from his touch, hunching down miserably in the grass. “Do you need me to go to the shop and see the book? Am I necessary for you to cast anything or uncast it?”

“Please…. I don’t know. I don’t know how well distance will even work. You’re right to be leery of me. Oh, Geralt, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s just… who you are.” He truly believed that. Nosy, insatiable for gossip and rumors and things to make songs of. He should have known something like this might eventually happen. He was too broken and not trustworthy enough to be just asked outright. He would have answered. Maybe not every time, or not in excruciating detail. But he would have answered. Maybe not years ago, but now? Since they had first bedded each other? He would have. It was only fair. “I suppose some good might come of it,” he tried to smile. Instead he felt sick to death inside and couldn’t understand why.

“Oh, Geralt. I… what I did, I know you don’t… I can’t not see it, so let’s use that good you spoke of. You feel betrayed. What I did was a betrayal. Rather than tell you the minute I knew the spell had worked I let it go. Knowing how to please you better in bed seemed wonderful. Sharing your nightmares and being able to wake you and comfort you was one of the best and worst nights of my life. I hate you went through any of that.” He swallowed hard, knowing the icy feeling in the pit of his belly was Geralt’s, not his own. “I’ve seen the scars all over your body Geralt, I knew some of them came from human hands. Especially the ones that looked like a belt or switch. Your backside and well over half your back are covered in them. That was never hidden from me. Not even under all the other scars from monsters. It was good that you let me be there for you. But you didn’t know…

“Geralt, if you don’t choose to walk away, which I would understand, I want you to promise me you’ll wake me, next time. Don’t let yourself suffer alone needlessly. Provided you ever want to share my bed again.”

Geralt’s chest ached, he didn’t want to lose any of what they’d had. It was too soon. He wasn’t ready. His own hurt hardly mattered, he had upset his friend. He was upsetting his friend. His mouth was dry and he had no words, perhaps it wasn’t so awful Dandelion could see his thoughts to know he didn’t want to push the bard away. Not because of this. He had so few friends, how could he afford to lose another? Especially over something that was so trivial. Any sorcerer could just look into his mind, rip apart his thoughts without a moment’s notice or care. At least Dandelion hadn’t entirely meant to do it. It hadn’t been meant to hurt him either.

It still made his insides twist and ache, and he didn’t know what to think about it. Just that didn’t want to lose the bard. This felt different from their other disagreements and it terrified him. “Don’t leave me,” he said in a small voice before he could stop himself. He would do whatever it took to make Dandelion feel like things were alright between them even if they weren’t.

“Oh, Geralt, I won’t, but it isn’t… oh this is terrible. I never realized. I never realized how you saw yourself. Oh, Geralt, I’m so sorry. No, I won’t go. You can be as angry as you want for as long as you want, as hurt and confused, please don’t pretend it’s alright. I know once I break this I won’t be able to tell anymore, but please. Please let yourself feel. I don’t need you to mollycoddle me, I’m the one who did something wrong Geralt. Me, I am the one in the wrong, as I’ve said. I don’t know why you can’t believe that. You’ve been mad at me before. And you were right to be. Why can’t you see this the same way? I don’t understand. I’m so sorry,” tears filled his eyes. “I’ve never felt this bad in my entire life. I’m sorry. But this isn’t about me. I need you… I don’t need you to do anything, I suppose.” He hadn’t realized how much of Geralt’s world revolved around suppressing himself.

“You said you did it to help.”

“No, I did it because I’m an asshole and a blockhead. I did it because I didn’t take you at your word. And I also didn’t think anything would happen or I don’t think I would have done it. Or at least I hope I wouldn’t have done it. Please come with me so we can fix this. It’s not your job to do it, but please, so I can make it stop sooner rather than later. I have no right to this much of you. I’m sorry. I can’t stop saying it, Geralt, so if that’s what’s going to make you angry then have at it. Yell at me. Explode. Scream. Whatever you need to do.”

The witcher twisted in on himself further. Did Dandelion truly expect Geralt to do any of those things? He never had, not really. Sometimes he shouted a bit, but he had never lashed out like that, not the way he felt the bard was expecting. A monster. Nothing he did changed the fact he was a monster and would always be seen that way.

“You are not a monster!” Dandelion shrieked, his voice shrill and strained. “You are not!” He wrapped his arms around Geralt tightly, squeezing the other man against him. “I don’t know how to stop putting my foot wrong. I had no idea I did it so often. Let’s start with the basics, and don’t you dare twist them. One, I love you. I love you deeply. Two, you are not a monster. You’re a man who is more, but that doesn’t make you bad. Three, even if you were a monster, I would still love you. Four, I never expected you to hurt me. I just felt that you might react somehow to what I did because it was awful. Five, I am sorry. I am sorry that you hurt like this all the time and I have brushed it off in the past because I don’t see you that way. I forget that the world is often cruel in ways I can’t anticipate.

“Please let me help. Please, please, don’t let this end here, if you choose to stay with me. Don’t let me not help you when I can. You shouldn’t be eating moldy food and lumps of gristle. Not if I can just get it for you and it will be fine. I won’t try and tell you it’s not as bad as you think, not ever again. And that man in your dreams who beat you? Keep me away from him if he’s still alive because I will give him a piece of my mind. The next time you have a nightmare, wake me, promise me you’ll wake me, let me comfort you. That’s what lovers do. Lovers, Geralt, as in ‘love.’ Not friends. Not whores, lovers. Let me love you. And the next time I do something awful that hurts you, be angry. Feel it. Don’t be afraid of me hating you for hurting. I don’t care who Vesemir is!” his voice soared in pitch again and Geralt winced. “I am me, and I think everything he’s said that I can pick out of your head is wrong and stupid and evil. You do deserve comfort when you hurt. Yes! Even if it’s emotional not physical!”

None of this made any sense and Geralt felt lost and like nothing he was doing was right. All the same he curled into Dandelion’s chest willingly, grateful to be comforted. Everything he did just upset the bard worse and made him feel worse in turn. He couldn’t help his thoughts. It wasn’t as if he was trying to upset his lover. Lover. Yes, that’s what they were. What Geralt wanted them to remain, in spite of all of this. Dandelion was far more upset than he was, he thought. It felt wrong, knowing he had no secrets and no privacy and couldn’t even work out what to feel without Dandelion there, knowing it all. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t.

Angry, finally, he was surprised the poet didn’t say a word, just held him. It was what he wanted, if he was being honest with himself, in spite of the anger. In spite of the hurt, no one else was there who could hold him. And it was so very rare anyone wanted to. The idea someone could know he was angry and still dare touch him, still want to touch him is a soothing balm over his heart. Hurt, he was hurt. He felt betrayed. Yes. He felt those things. He felt like it would be harder to trust Dandelion. Another person who had pushed into him in ways he hadn’t wanted or asked for. Someone he had hoped never would do something like that. But no, he didn’t want to lose Dandelion, either. He had been alone too long, and too many people feared him.

He let the anger course over and through him, burning itself out like a brush fire, hot and short. It left Geralt feeling empty and alone. Next the sadness pushed its way in. That was easier to ignore. He was used to feeling hurt by people. He ignored Dandelion crying into his hair. It sparked a bit of rage all over again, but beyond that he felt like he could ignore it. This wasn’t his fault, he should be the one upset, not Dandelion.

Geralt lost all track of time, sitting there under the tree, sitting against Dandelion’s chest.

At some point, to his horror, tears welled up in his eyes and he thinks he cried. Nothing like what Dandelion had done, no great gulps of air coupled with heaving sobs, but he knows the tears ran over his cheeks. Dandelion had stayed quiet the entire time, allowing him to grieve and process in his own way.

When Geralt finally pulled away, Dandelion wordlessly wiped tears off his cheeks and kissed his forehead. “I forgive you,” Geralt informed him slowly. “You do stupid impulsive things, but you’re only human. And a poet and a bard at that. The worst kind of human,” he did his best to force a smile. “Let’s go to this shop of yours and break the spell. I don’t like the idea of it going on any longer than it has to.”

“It’s stopped.” Dandelion looked as shocked as Geralt felt. “It’s done. I suppose the time just ran out on it.” He kissed Geralt’s cheek. “Promise you’ll wake me. I can’t read your thoughts, so you can lie again, but…. I learned you rarely do. Promise me and I’ll believe you. I’ll take you at your word. I’m so sorry I hurt you so badly.”

“I promise,” Geralt said hoarsely. “It truly stopped?”

“Truly. Truly, we can go to the shop still and check. If that makes you more comfortable. Or you can cast it yourself, or we can find someone to perform a truth spell.”

“No, I believe you,” Geralt said slowly, with a pointed look.

Dandelion hung his head in response. He deserved that.

Geralt looked up at the sky and was shocked to see the sun had moved across the sky and was past high noon. How long had they sat there after eating? The sun had barely risen properly when things had started. He still felt oddly bereft, knowing Dandelion had done that to him and waited so long to say anything. He supposed the bard could have lied about how it happened or hidden it longer without ever saying a word. It would hurt for ages, he knew. He wished it wouldn’t. Logically, no harm had been done, but he felt like he’d been covered in filth that he couldn’t scrub off.

“I will make this up to you, somehow. I don’t know how, I don’t know if I can, but I won’t ever stop trying. Tell me what you need, when you know. Whenever you know, whenever it changes. I will do my best to listen and do whatever it is you ask of me.”

“Then stop bringing it up.” So what if he felt violated? Dwelling on it wouldn’t change that. He would move past it, like he always did.

At least this time the person who hurt him was sorry.

That had be to be good enough.

@geraltwhumpweek

#geralt whump week #geralt z rivii #geralt of rivia #I don't know if i should take this as gerlion or geraskier #because even tho i'm calling him dandelion #i mixed both characters #so fuck me i guess #geralt x dandelion #i didn't play the games #gerlion #witcher dandelion #jaskier

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cbspams · 3 years

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iKON - Love Scenario + Killing Me

I'll specifically be referring to each member by the name they're using in Kingdom subtitles, so like Jinhwan instead of Jay, Donghyuk instead of DK etc.

Damn these are long lol, thank god for read more cuts

Sarangeul haetdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa 🎶🎶🎶

I'm honestly so happy they did Love Scenario. I mean it's one of their most famous songs for sure but like, I would've been really sad if it wasn't performed at least once on Kingdom I think, just because I was so curious how they would spin it.

I will say that I would not consider this performance as a "mash up". Now in Round 2 the only groups who do mashups are iKON and SKZ as far as I'm aware, so I'm also taking some of the mash ups used in RTK (Pentagon - Shine/Spring Snow, ONF - We Must Love/Moscow Moscow, It's Raining) as reference to why I would personally call this a "set" rather than a "mash up".

So Love Scenario is a pretty classic mellow song, one which is beloved for obvious reasons of being fun and cheerful but in a quieter, soft vibes way. I loved that they took the melody and made it even more cheerful, adding in those trumpet/saxophone tones and bumping it up to a musical tone song. I especially appreciate that they made it so bright because the other performances are so dark (ATEEZ included, though theirs was more forceful and powerful than dark). It's just really refreshing to hear.

Going back to mash ups though, I'm not sure if I could consider this a mash up in my mind? Here's the thing, I don't actually consider Shine/Spring Snow (Pentagon) or We Must Love/Moscow Moscow (ONF) as mash ups wither. To me, those are more like "sets", in which the songs have similar vibes or transition really well into each other. Shine/Spring Snow being a special stage to send of Jinho, the transition wasn't just a musical flow through but a small "cut". I can't really judge this one as a mash up because it's not a performance for the stage but for the heart but if you watch it, you can clearly see where Shine ends and where Spring Snow begins right? Even if the songs bled into each other though, the way they arranged Shine and Spring Snow, I think it would've been a flawless transition in.

Separately, consider ONF's spliced set in which they do nearly all of We Must Love and then tag Moscow Moscow in towards the end lyrically. Because both songs carry different vibes originally, the arrangement became really important in order to splice the songs together and make the transition seamless. And that arrangement did a wonderful job! If I didn't watch those songs beforehand, I wouldn't even have been able to tell that there were two songs in the performance.

So then what's a mash up? A mash up in my mind is more similar to SKZ's Jasin or ONF's It's Raining. It's where the songs and melodies are arranged together, splicing together lyrics and melodies to become one song completely. There's no telling where one song ends and another begins because they're integrated together. ONF's It's Raining is actually a really cool example of this, where they mashed up It's Raining (Rain) with their own song Complete. They keep all the lyrics of It's Raining but add in their own jaunty vibe with the fun saxophone, changing the song entirely. Similarly, SKZ's Jasin (which I will also analyze later), has God's Menu and Side Effects spliced together to become a new song. Obviously SKZ's is different from ONF as SKZ produce and arrange their own songs already, but the end result is the same: a completely new song despite carrying lyrics and melodies from the components.

In this way, I would define iKON's performance as a "set" over a "mash up". The songs align together to tell a story and have a relatively seamless transition, but they do not incorporate each other to become a new song. I think that as far as arrangements go, this is decent and like in Shine/Spring Snow or We Must Love/Moscow Moscow, it's not a bad idea but it feels "weaker" because it's more like just lining the songs up together instead of actually "mashing" the songs together.

Wow that's a lot of talk on something that's not even actually the performance kdjfhk

BACK TO IT.

Because their theme is a breakup and dealing with what comes after, I think their intro is incredibly strong. Like the others said in the episode itself, Bobby's opening shot captures attention immediately. I love that they used a sort of, older black and white movie set with and actual The End card. I think the kind of jazzy vibes go right with that opening shot, the set designer and costumer definitely knew what kind of image they were going for. The movie end card as well as the girl disappearing clearly defines the performance as a breakup illustration, and the mellow vibes perfectly fit the kind of nostalgia that Love Scenario talks about. For anyone who doesn't know, Love Scenario is actually a post-breakup song that reminisces on the good times they had in the relationship. Bobby's verse in particular mentions that it's good they cut it off when they did, even though it hurts.

I also want to mention that I love how individual Bobby is. It's clear in every performance that he's a quirky one and I'm really impressed how he carries it in each performance, because this performance requires more cohesion as a story and yet he still adds little flairs of his own to make the performance more engaging and also more representative of iKON's hip hop style.

Donghyuk's acting and dance sequence flows so well! It's smooth, tells a small story of how they were close but drifting apart and I think his flair with the trench coat works wonderfully as far as visual effects go. There's just something so satisfying about watching the coat go whoosh hehe

THE CHORUS!!! Yo this totally reminds me of like, old broadway in the 1920's. The gold lights, jazzy tone, even the trench coats which I believe are iconic of old movie detectives and gentlemen-esque figures. Kinda reminds me of like black and white detective movies? The thing is, even if you don't know exactly what the outfits and such remind you of, the fact that they invoke that memory is awesome. I love costume design specifically because you don't always have to be detail for detail. It's enough if you can invoke a specific image in the mind of the audience. Junhoe really rocks the look in particular.

The choreography is also very reminiscent of musical theater! Obviously all of kpop is coordinated to be group based and there's always been formations that are similar to what iKON did, however the slide and arms out movement is very much so a musical theater thing. The flashing hands thing is as well! They really nailed down the idea of musical theater, and I love that so much! It's a sort of genre bend you might not expect from kpop but iKON's out here showing you that it is possible.

I love the lighting sequence. The blue and purple are so good, and once again it just invokes that older musical theater style because even as there's color, there's also a lot of clear white/yellow light. Choosing just two colors can be really impactful as the fewer colors there are, the more concentrated the stage looks. Consider for example, Pentagon's Follow stage in RTK. Choosing to only go with gold light and then using other lights as accents really enhanced the theme as well as made the stage easier to follow. Humans are designed to track movement and flashing, so having fewer things to distract us means we focus more on iKON's performance and less on the entire set.

I'll skip to the transition here just because the rest of the muscial theater sequence is very similar to what I've already said.

The transition is a bit jarring if I'm being honest. I think the fact that everyone else reacted like ?! as well means that the transition isn't as smooth as it could have been, especially considering the next song is Killing me. I mean it's pretty straight forward story wise: you fall in love, you undergo the break up and you're hurt but you're happy that you loved. But then still you feel regret and pain because you broke up. I think what would've made this smoother was if DK had one more dance sequence with the female dancer from the beginning. If she walks away from him and then he falls to the floor and has that heartbeat moment, I think that would've helped ease into the next song much easier.

The fact that they end on the line You’re too precious to just leave in the past though is a good transition point. It then bleeds into how in Killing Me, the lingering memories stick deeply. So lyrically it makes a lot of sense. I just don't like how the arrangement just switches off so suddenly, from cheerful jazz to then a rain fall heart beat thing. There's just something missing in between, visually or auditorily.

Something I've noticed about iKON is that they really like using their arms. In Rhythm Ta (intro stage), this stage and later in Inception (Round 2), iKON always has a dance sequence that involves moving arms, kind of like snakes? But as trees? Tree branches as snakes? Yeah. But I literally adore this kind of consistency. It's really cool to watch especially because as the rounds go on, they do it with more people so like obv the 100 sec intro was just the members of iKON but then round 1 had more and then round 2 was literally so many people!! It creates such a cool visual effect! For this performance, I do wish the lighting wasn't as dark as it was. I think some flashing black light would've made this awesome but it's still cool as it is.

PLEASE THE DANCE BREAK IS SO CLEAN. The move where Yunhyeong moves his arms in a circle and the members mirror that (screen left goes from low to high while screen right goes from high to low) is really pleasing to see. I could already tell from the 100 sec intro performance but iKON is has really good bounce to their movement. They pull off the isolation and popping that everyone else does but they do it so smoothly.

I think part of what gives iKON their bounce and flow is that when they stop for a second, it's very clean. There's no extra wobbling that happens with others. And again I really do think their dedicating to using their arms in wide gestures helps contribute to that contrast, because when you go wide movement to stop to wide movement again, your eyes get tricked into thinking the stop is a lot smoother than it could actually be.

I already could tell from before but Donghyuk and Jinhwan really are amazing dancers. Donghyuk is a master of more technical aspects but Jinhwan is really elegant in his moves? That little body roll he does just before Chanwoo's part is so good.

Chanwoo's acting!! Specifically his lines go "Why did I meet her? / Why did I choose this break up?" And then the next part that they all sing in is "I loved her to death / The extinguished fire is burning up again" which makes the fire lighting up so much more obvious. I also think that the fire stand area kind of looks like a coffin so lighting it on fire is a way of mourning the relationship? It visually looks awesome and connects really well to the story line itself, especially since it's a very intense moment to a soft drop in the song. Contrast creates focus!!

And then we have the literally name brand stuff iKON is made out of: bouncing hip hop. It fits them so well, it really does!

Gosh okay I know iKON hasn't been ranking very high and on initial impact, they honestly rank about mid to low for me as well but the more I watch their performances, the more I recognize bits and pieces of artistry they put into their performances. I really start to think like, no wonder they have so many award winning songs. I'm not really sure if they're suited to the way that this competition show works? Because I think first impressions are everything, and although obviously the kingdom judges will understand the lyricism and view the set designs and such more clearly, iKON's performances are still better suited to being watched repeatedly. Their first impression is always good but curiously not enough as far as initial impact goes. It's kind of like it just sticks to you so you want to see it over and over again. Which is really not great for competition shows like this where first impression and impact are everything, which I get but also it lowkey sucks because you miss a lot of details and it sort of forces everyone into the highly impactful performances rather than nuanced ones.

I've mentioned this before but because Kingdom has so much more for set design, costumes, lighting, it can be really distracting from the groups themselves. I think iKON actually does really well with having "still" sets, in which they're the focus, but I feel like that leads to more people picking out their flaws? I dunno, I really like iKON's performances so much and yet I can't find it in my heart to rank them higher than 3rd at any given point. I do just think it's the style of competition.

STILL, it means so much that they stick to their own identity rather than conform to Kingdom's standards. And clearly as they rise through the ranks, more people are recognizing that. So iKON! Fighting!!

#admin talk #kingdom commentary #kingdom performance comments

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teenitinygod · 4 years

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1/2 You are the most talented writer I’ve seen in awhile. Thank you for posting and being so kind to everyone even when they bombard you with requests. You’re a beautiful person and you make my heart happy 😊 Speaking of bombarding people with requests, I was wondering if you had the time, if I could please have a BSD mashup? I have long wavy hair, 50/50 blue green eyes, and I’m 5’4 tall. I’m a very sensitive individual and often have a difficult time handling my emotions.

2/2 I take things to heart far too often, but it isn’t always a bad thing because I have unconditional love for everyone in my life and enjoy going the extra mile. Overall I’m anxious, altruistic, helpful, hard working, and sincerely caring. I’ve also lost 62 pounds since November first so I guess you could say being self disciplined is one of my positive qualities? I think the most notable quality in me is my loyalty and patience. I never give up on people and try to be understanding. Thanks!

ASHABFSHAK YOU LEGIT MADE ME CRY TYSM! I really enjoyed writing your headcanons and I hope you like them babes! requests are still open!

You were a therapist, a young one at that, your Psy.D and M.D at a young age. Opening up your practice in the same building as the ADA, you occasionally heard ruckus and sometimes you would come into your office to see bullet holes in your floor. You never moved, not being able to afford to relocate of course.

One day you were fed up, the damage made to your office was outrageous and your secretary ended up quitting, so you angry marched to their door. You almost regretted walking in when the sight you were met by was a blonde male choking a bandaged one. You cleared your throat, getting the attention of the two… friends? You explained that some compensation was needed to make up for the damages done to your office.

The blonde male apologized, saying he would talk to their president about sending a check to you in the next few business days. Satisfied with that answer you turned to leave, getting stopped by the brown haired male from before, who had introduced himself as Dazai, placing a kiss on your hands. You smiled when he requested double suicide, which he admits did shock him at first.

“Is double suicide is an escape from the pressure and drowning feeling of your past mistakes and experiences or is it just because you don’t see the point of living such a meaningless and empty life?” You asked bluntly, you had a habit of analyzing people's troubles and putting them into words, hense what made you such a good therapist. He froze, and Kunikida laughed behind you. “I’d love to talk about that more,” You whispered to him, turning to leave.

Dazai had requested double suicide with many women, but none have ever had that responce, he didn’t like the feeling that you had one-upped him. The next day he made his way to your office, flowers in hand, smirk on his face. You opened the door, a surprised smile making its way on your face and he handed you a bouquet of flowers.

“Are you trying to one up me or are you here to talk?” You asked, leaning on the frame of the doorframe. Dazai pouted, “how does a date sound?” he deflected, watching as your delicate fingers felt the flowers. “Sure”

You listened, you always did, and you always seemed to know what to say and what not to say. And that scared him but he faced it, not being able to let you go. Your relationship blossomed, and soon you became a couple. It was bliss, the kisses, the dates, the flowers he always seemed to get you. His talk of suicide decreased but never stopped. This concerned you. You could see through that mask on his face

It took about 7 months of dating for him to open up to you. He came to your apartment at 3am, panic filled his eyes and he wrapped you in a tight hug. You assured him everything was fine and he told you about his past, the things he did, the people he killed.

He never felt so loved when you wrapped him into your arms, telling him that he had changed, he was good and you saw that. He cried in your arms, and you rubbed his back. Dazai was scared as hell of you, the effect you had on him, but he wasn’t going to run.

After that all days weren’t perfect, you both disagreed more, fought more, cried more, but you wouldn’t trade it for the world. He had taken off his mask and showed himself to you. You cared more than anyone had before. And by god he loved you so much.

The first time he admitted this was when you showed up to his desk with dinner, smiling and telling him to follow you to the roof. You both ate lunch and talked and laughed. He looked at you and he nearly died, your hair flowed with the soft breeze, your eyes shone with the setting sun, your soft lips framed your bright smile.

“I love you,”

#bungou stray dogs x reader #bsd #bsd headcanons #bsd mashup #bungou stray dogs dazai #dazai x reader #dazai headcanons #dazai osamu

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uppastthejelliclemoon · 4 years

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Sick/injured human AU Misto and Tugger for the trope mashup please??

(I know that the trope mash up is only supposed to be a summary of the story, and I’m doing summaries for everything else, but this one I just had to write because it’s a perfect opportunity to elaborate on some Tuggoffelees for the AU!)

(@queencurlycrown @kineticjellyfish @terpsichorian come get some human AU pre-relationship Tuggoffelees)

Mistoffelees and Victoria Jones were both at the height of their performance.

Both siblings had been offered prestigious invitations to join the Royal Ballet, and the twins were ecstatic.

Finally, their hard work was paying off, and they were being recognized for their talent.

They were doing one final performance before their invitations to join the Royal Ballet were confirmed, and Mistoffelees’ nerves were through the roof. His performance followed Victoria’s, and he was waiting in the wings, watching his sister as she danced elegantly around the stage. Mistoffelees hopped up and down, he fiddled with his outfit, anything to calm himself.

Victoria completed her dance to thunderous applause, and she gracefully left the stage, her calm composure completely falling as she threw her arms around Mistoffelees with a squeal.

“That was a rush!” she exclaimed. “Are you ready?” Mistoffelees took a deep breath, and nodded. Victoria looked him over, brushing away invisible dust. “Did you stretch? Are your shoes fitting?”

“Yes, Mother.” Mistoffelees said teasingly, making Victoria giggle. She gave him a light peck on the cheek before ushering him onto the stage, where he stood at the center, waiting for his music to begin.

As soon as he began to dance, Mistoffelees knew something was wrong.

His legs felt tight, his back wasn’t letting him stretch as far as he needed to. Horror filled the dancer as he realized what had happened.

He had been so enthralled in watching his sister, so obsessed with his nervousness and anxiety, that he had forgotten to stretch.

Mistoffelees hid his fear and continued to dance, trying not to wince every time he pulled at an unprepared muscle. He prepared himself for one of his final jumps, and as he stretched out his legs, he felt a sharp pain in his calf, as if someone had just kicked him.

As he landed on his left foot, Mistoffelees heard something pop, and he felt a sharp, stabbing pain in his calf, as if someone had just kicked him. He stumbled slightly, catching himself with grace as he felt a searing pain in his left leg. Mistoffelees lifted his chin and continued to dance, ignoring the pain until the moment his dance ended. Every step on his left foot made him let out a sharp gasp of pain, and felt tears fill his eyes, but he refused to finish looking like a fool, so he did his final turn and posed, forcing a smile on his face as the audience began to applaud. He bowed, and as best he could, Mistoffelees left the stage.

As soon as he was off stage, Mistoffelees collapsed with a sob, clutching his leg. “Oh God, it hurts.”

Victoria was at his side instantly, Bustopher close behind her. “What happened?”

“I tore something.” Mistoffelees said, his voice shaking. “I didn’t stretch. I’m such an idiot.”

“We need to get you to a hospital.” Bustopher said firmly, grasping his nephew’s hands and pulling him up gently, he and Victoria supporting Mistoffelees as they exited the stage door. Luckily, no one was waiting there just yet, so the trio managed to make it to the car without any questions. Victoria sat in the back with Mistoffelees, hugging him tightly as Bustopher drove, and when they reached the hospital, both his sister and his uncle remained at Mistoffelees’ side throughout the entire process.

“You’ve tore your Achilles tendon.” The doctor said, and Mistoffelees closed his eyes, feeling the tears welling up. “Normally, I’d say you’d be fine to walk without assistance in about two weeks, but because you kept dancing on it and landing on it, it’s going to take at least four weeks after the surgery for you to completely heal, and then you’ll need about four to six months of physical therapy.”

Mistoffelees’ eyes flew open. “Surgery?”

The doctor nodded. “We have to go in and stitch the tendon back together.” Victoria clutched Mistoffelees’ hand tightly. “Misto…”

“Will I be able to dance again?” the dancer asked.

“Possibly, with enough physical therapy and stretching.” The doctor said. “It may take a while, however, and if you do overexert yourself in the future, or push yourself too far, it may enflame the tendon again.”

Ultimately, Mistoffelees agreed to the surgery, and he was left in a boot for nearly four weeks, and when he got the boot removed, he had physical therapy for six months.

During that time, something rather unlikely happened.

Tugger approached Victoria one day as she left a building, a charming smile on his face. “Hey, Vic.”

“Oh, hi Tugger.” Victoria replied quietly.

“What’s wrong?” Tugger asked, his smile fading into a frown. He glanced up at the building, and his brow furrowed. “What are you doing here?”

Victoria wrung her hands. “Misto tore his Achilles about a month and a half ago, and he had the surgery, but he needs to go to therapy for about six months. It’s been difficult for him.”

Tugger’s eyes widened. He and Mistoffelees may not have gotten along, but not being able to do the one thing he loved was no doubt hard for the black-haired dancer.

“Where is he? Maybe I can help out.” Tugger said with a kind look in his eyes. “Munk used to strain himself all the time while dancing, and I used to help him when that happened.”

Victoria sighed and told Tugger the room that Mistoffelees was in, and he kissed her cheek in thanks before rushing into the building. He told the receptionist he was there to assist Mistoffelees, and he was allowed up to the room.

Even before he opened the door, Tugger heard the sound of swearing. He slowly opened the door to see Mistoffelees sitting on the ground, glaring at his leg with fury in his eyes.

“God, I’m an idiot.” He said, seemingly to himself. “’Oh yeah, Misto, you’re such a great dancer!’ What kind of dancer forgets to stretch?” Mistoffelees attempted to pull himself up, but let out a small gasp as he put pressure on his bad foot. “Well done, Mistoffelees, you’ve completely screwed yourself over, and your burdening your uncle and sister.”

“I don’t think they see it that way.” Tugger said, fully entering the room. Mistoffelees’ head snapped up, and his eyes narrowed upon seeing the other man.

“What do you want?”

Tugger held his hands up placatingly. “Vic told me what happened. Munk used to hurt himself all the time, so I thought that maybe I could give you some help.”

Mistoffelees scoffed. “Oh please. You’re just here to pity me, like everyone else. ‘Oh, the poor boy, he’s never going to be able to dance with his sister again!’. Do people not realize I know that?” Mistoffelees’ voice broke slightly, and he wrapped his arms around his waist. “I’m never going to dance again, all because I was a nervous idiot who didn’t stretch.”

“Hey, you’re going to dance again.” Tugger said firmly, approaching Mistoffelees and holding out a hand. “This sounds corny as hell, but you just need to believe in yourself. If you keep telling yourself you’re never going to dance, you’re not going to get the motivation you need to keep going.” Mistoffelees hesitantly took his hand, and Tugger carefully pulled him up, supporting him gently with an arm around his waist. “Do you want to dance?”

“More than anything.” Mistoffelees replied quietly.

“Then you have to work to that point.” Tugger told him. “Because right now, the only person who’s not believing in you is yourself. Your uncle and your sister are both behind you, and so is everyone else who cares about you. Munk was beside himself when he heard about what happened.” Mistoffelees’ cheeks flushed slightly, and Tugger gave him a small grin. “I can help, if you want? I’ll be there to pull your head out of your ass every time you say you’re an idiot or you can’t dance.”

Mistoffelees scoffed and shoved Tugger, making him laugh. “I think your head’s plenty big for the both of us.”

Tugger’s smile grew. “Does that mean you’ll let me help you?”

“Fine.” Mistoffelees said with a tired sigh as Tugger began to help him walk over to where his water bottle was. “Just… don’t let me fall, okay?”

Tugger’s arm tightened around Mistoffelees’ waist. “Never.”

#liv's writing corner #trope mash up

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satashiiwrites · 3 years

Text

wip Wednesday

So... the next chapter of AAT is maybe 1/2 written? Gah. I really didn’t want it to be a month between chapters or we’re never gonna get this monster done in 2021.

On the other hand... that Reyes cowboy idea has morphed into a AU Westworld Mashup. Shipwrecked also got some love this last week... as did Recurrence but not for the next chapter? I really should work on being a linear writer instead of hopping around to different scenes. A few Collected snippets below the cut.

From Chapter One of Untitled Westworld/Mass Effect Andromeda mashup fic. MReyder.

Summary: He was made for him... but now he had free will. If you’re made for someone does that mean that they, in kind, were made for you? What does falling in love even mean for something or someone like Reyes?

Delores had caused quite a mess, Reyes supposed as he moved through the shadows after his target who—like many other guests—was fleeing the violence that had been unleashed. Dead and dying humans lay crumpled in corners and in the middle of the street, their bodies surrounded by growing scarlet puddles of blood as their bodies cooled in the night.

Frustrated, Reyes was about to duck into one of the buildings as he tagged his quarry moving behind the bar in the saloon to hide when the aforementioned Delores stepped into his path. She really was a beautiful avenging angel but she held no appeal for him. When their creator had made her he’d instilled in her his worst wants and ideas unlike Reyes who had been made with a different purpose in mind. The unleashing of their own will had made her bloodthirsty and desiring vengeance as the darker elements of her personality gained sway. Reyes simply didn’t care about any of the humans save one—she could have the rest and do as she pleased but he would fight her to the death over his one.

“Vidal,” she said, her voice deep with violence, a colt revolver in one hand that had blood smeared across her fingers. “What are you doing?”

Giving her a tight little grin, Reyes motioned that he was not going to stop her. “You have your wants tonight and I have mine.”

She cocked her head, gaze assessing him. “You don’t have to do that. Your coding has been changed.”

“Are you challenging my right to make my own decisions?” He asked her, cocking one eyebrow as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I thought you of all of us would understand....”

Shaking her head, she looked at him, sadness crossing her delicate features as she pitied him. “He is one of them. A human.”

Teddy’s body was still slumped against a tree where he’d fallen and Reyes resisted the urge to look in his direction. Delores had been matched with Teddy for so long—surely she could understand his choices. “I was made for him.”

“That does not mean you must choose him,” she said, looking uneasy briefly before scowling. The thought of being made for one of the human guests that had inflicted so much pain and suffering on them was anathema to her given her long experiences with them.

“But it is my choice to find out if that means he was made for me,” he corrected her gently but firmly.

She opened her mouth to speak before closing it and clenching her jaw. The fine muscles in her hand contracted around the gun but she did not raise it to point it at him. “I could remove the impulse to do so,” she offered. She likely could attempt to do so but he’d resist her—their creator had given him just as many extra gifts as he had her. Both of them had been made to be ahead of their kind and he’d made his own adjustments when he’d been unleashed.

He sharply shook his head. “No. If this is what free will is... then I will follow my own path. You don’t decide for me.”

She paused, considering him before giving a small nod. “I will allow you to take him and leave. You should get him out of here soon.”

“I plan on doing so,” he agreed.

There was a sense of a flicker going through the network they were both connected to and Reyes could sense the command given out to all the other hosts. His goal would be protected, none of the other hosts would attempt to harm him. “I wish you luck,” she said, mouth twisted in irony. “If you change your mind you know that I would welcome your assistance.”

“I know,” he agreed even as he disagreed with her goals. He had no interest in what she was about to do as long as she left him and what was his alone.

Nodding in farewell she strode past him, bending just long enough to pick up a discarded shotgun and cocking it as she went back to hunting down the fleeing guests.

From Shipwrecked, Chapter 3, MReyder, Mass Effect Andromeda AU

The second visitor wasn’t an asari. A blonde haired woman entered his prison. She stood like every soldier he’d ever met, shoulders thrown back with stiff spine, chin slightly upturned so that it put the nose in the air making her look down at him. She wore the same colors as those who’d blasted him had—the blue and whites. It wasn’t a military uniform he recognized but the ship clothes were similar enough to Alliance uniforms to be noticeable. Guessing, he thought she was somewhere between him and Scott in age, her face unlined but her expression a practiced blank that a lot of soldier adopted.

He didn’t miss the telltale signs of a biotic amp barely visible between her collar and rather severe haircut—metal pale enough that it almost was masked by the stiff, high collar. A biotic. Likely former military if not current. There were no visible weapons but the way her left ankle didn’t bend as fully as the right suggested that she had a knife hidden there or had an old injury.

Reyes was guessing a knife. It would be something Scott or he would do.

#Westworld/MEA AU #MReyder #mass effect andromeda #wip wednesday #Shipwrecked #reyes vidal

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johannesviii · 4 years

Text

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2005

16 to 17 years old. Finished public highschool, started public university in September. Looking back at 2003-2005 feels like looking at ten years of my life condensed in three. Exhausting.

Also we’re now past the halfway point of these lists! And this is another exceptionally good year for hits.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

So I finished highschool that year. I met my best friend ever in late 2004 and we even had some sort of small crew back then! I had a bit of a crush on her but alas it wasn’t meant to be. I don’t know who invented the term ‘friendzone’ but they got its meaning completely wrong because staying friends basically forever with someone you love can be a fantastic thing. Things weren’t rosy nor perfect that year, of course, and I still was miserable at home, but I’m not sure where I’ll be today without her. She's amazing and she still lives nearby nowadays. Shoutout: if you read this, E., you pretty much saved my life.

I was still making tapes and burning CDs, still using my trusty portable cd player, and always listening to stuff while drawing during recess, sitting in a corner and doodling stuff in my sketchbook on the floor like a weird gangly goblin.

I had already started to buy Rock Mag in August 2004 but it really became my monthly ritual in 2005, and it lasted until autumn 2007. A reliable source of posters to cover my walls. At that point they were almost completely covered with paintings, drawings, torn pages from magazines and posters of Linkin Park, Mylène Farmer, Placebo and Indochine.

I also had a better access to the family computer and was a bit more involved online. Might explain why the number of singles I was buying plummeted.

It’s time once again for some (ok, many) honorable mentions!

Beverly Hills (Weezer) - I don’t even know why I like this but I do.

Bouger Bouger (Magic System) - I never understood why it was cool to make fun of these guys in my country. Their music is so happy and fun.

Holiday (Green Day) - My brother loved that band and listened to it a lot, and I was 100% fine with that.

Wake Me Up When September Ends (Green Day) - See above.

Gabriel (Najoua Belyzel) - That is so-bad-it’s-good at its finest right here.

Candy Shop (50 Cents) - As a sucker for terrible puns (HA, get it?? I’m sorry I’ll get out immediately) I can’t help it, I love this.

Love Generation (Bob Sinclar) - Stay tuned for more of this guy on another list.

Listen to Your Heart (DHT) - The original is better, but it was really nice to hear that again on the radio.

We Be Burnin’ (Sean Paul) - Not my favorite but still damn good.

Bad Day (Daniel Powter) - I even bought the single. What can I say except “relatable”.

All About Us (Tatu) - I bought that single as well. Almost made the list.

Le Bateau Blanc (Karol) - The last cut from the list. Not even kidding at all. I’m still not sure if Keane deserves to be on the list more than this to be honest.

Like it happened previously with Placebo not being elligible at all, it is a complete outrage that Precious by Depeche Mode isn’t elligible for this list. Like, what the f█ck. Playing the Angel was one of the defining albums of the year to me. I’m not even sure it would have topped the list, maybe #2, but it still feels wrong.

There’s another band who’s complete absence from this top feels kinda painful to me, considering how much I loved their new album at the time. Indeed, no single from Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge by My Chemical Romance is elligible for this list, and it feels wrooooong, man. I love I’m not okay and especially Thank You For the Venom, but even Helena would have been nice. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

For some unfathomable reason, Get The Party Started (Pink) and, even more unexplainable, Do You Really Want to Hurt Me (Culture Club) recharted in France in 2005 and both made the year-end top 100. The fact they are both elligible but all the stuff mentioned above this paragraph isn’t makes no sense whatsoever.

And now, the actual list!

10 - Everybody’s Changing (Keane)

US: Not on the list / FR: #48

Pretty great even though it’s not my favorite Keane song. That would be Crystal Ball. It’s fantastic and as a person who is scared, above all, by existential horror, the music video is terrifying. Sadly, it’s not elligible for my 2006 list, so Everybody’s Changing will have to be its slightly less good proxy for 2005.

9 - Et Si En Plus Ya Personne (Alain Souchon)

US: Not on the list / FR: #100

This has to be the most borderline non-elligible song ever put on one of my lists. But I’m glad it is still elligible. Remember the song on the 1993 list that I called an “anticapitalist ballad”? Well that’s the same guy. And this time it’s a song about how religion can cause both beautiful things and war, and how “the sky might be empty” because of us. It’s great. Here’s a translation. You’re welcome.

8 - F█ck Them All (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #62

Aaaaaaaaand unfortunately for everyone including myself, she’s back. Not her best song by a mile (told you it was all downhill after C’est Une Belle Journée didn’t I), but still pretty damn good, and that music video where she’s destroying bird-like scarecrows is amazing so here’s a bonus gif.

7 - Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Green Day)

US: #7 / FR: Not on the list

My brother LOVED this band and listened to it SO MUCH. And yeah, they were very good and that song might just be my favorite one from them. I don’t have much more to say about it, you all know it already. Let’s move on.

6 - Sugar We’re Going Down (Fall Out Boy)

US: #40 / FR: Not on the list

Again, it feels wrong that both Fall Out Boy AND Panic! at the Disco were elligible for this list but not My Chemical Romance. I was never a fan of these two acts, at all, and their supposed rivalry was kinda hilarious to watch from afar. With a bucket of popcorn. While listening to Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge and nodding sadly, of course.

This is still a great song, mind you.

5 - Feel Good Inc (Gorillaz)

US: #37 / FR: Not on the list (really? wtf happened)

Again, I live with someone who loves Gorillaz, so I claim overexposure.

It’s still #5 on a list based on a very, very good year.

That’s quality for you.

4 - Speed of Sound (Coldplay)

US: #57 / FR: Not on the list

A new chapter in the ascension of Coldplay from “Johannes hates this band” to “this is one of the best mainstream bands we have”. An epic saga, years in the making, and Speed of Sound was basically the last scene of Act One. Not my favorite song from X&Y (that would be Talk), but still really good. Hell, I even bought the single, and goodness knows I wasn’t buying a lot of singles anymore in 2005.

Holy shit, half of these are Benassi Bros garbage. None of them are elligible, though! Dodged a bullet there, didn’t I.

3 - Numb/Encore (JayZ + Linkin Park)

US: #93 / FR: #75

What a blessed mashup. For a few magical months in 2005, all the punk goth kids and the hiphop kids were united under this song’s banner and it felt like world peace had been achieved. It could have pissed off everybody but no! Everyone loved it instead!

“But Johannes, this is just Numb all over again with different lyrics. You can’t keep putting Linkin Park at the top of your lists forever.” Sadly no, I can’t. I know. It’s only #3. Don’t yell at me. Also, the next two songs are genuinely better, at least in my opinion!

2 - Lift Me Up (Moby)

US: Not on the list / FR: #31

I heard this on the radio and bought the album, Hotel, on the grounds that Natural Blues from 2000 was one of my favorite songs ever and than it wouldn’t hurt to actually own an album of that guy after all that time (”all that time” being only five years, but please keep in mind the past three years had felt like ten, and in my mind, they still do ; trauma is one hell of a thing). And a couple of days later that year, we went to Disneyland for my brother’s birthday, and I only had a small bag that could contain my cd player, and the earphones and nothing else. So I could only put one cd in it and that was it.

So I picked Hotel, and I basically retreated inside of it whenever my mother was starting to talk aggressively, which happened a lot in the various queues. So in the end, I listened to that cd a LOT that day and every single time, it would calm me while still being energetic enough to keep me enthusiastic for the various Disneyland rides.

Lift Me Up is energetic but cold, aerial but distant, uplifting but sinister. It was the perfect song for someone who was, at the time, trying to tone down their aggressivity and anger and trying to be masculine but in a softer way, while still staying themselves and not giving up the fight. I absolutely adore this song. It’s perfect.

It instantly joined my list of favorite songs ever that year.

1 - Mr Brightside (The Killers)

US: #16 / FR: Not on the list (this feels so wrong)

If I had to make a top ten of the hits of that entire decade, this would be #2. No debate whatsoever.

Because holy shit.

I was already sold on that band after hearing Somebody Told Me on the radio, which sadly isn’t elligible for this list (I instantly loved it, first because it was catchy as hell, but also because I love the chorus “Well somebody told me you had a boyfriend / Who looked like a girlfriend / That I had in February of last year", because as you already know I tend to be extremely literal minded and my immediate conclusion was “wow you two dated the same trans guy before and after he was out of the closet” and that was highkey relatable and no you can’t change my mind). So I bought the album about two weeks after, mostly blind, because the cd store was playing it and also because Rock Mag said it was great.

That was an understatement. Hot Fuss is one of the best albums of the entire decade and you probably know that already. The first song, Jenny Was a Friend of Mine, floored me right after putting the cd in the player and it felt like the album already reached its peak and there were still 12 tracks after that.

The very next track was Mr. Brightside. And. How do I put this.

There’s like a dozen interpretations possible for this song, and most of them are something like “this guy is so anxious and paranoid he’s gonna break up with this girl because he keeps imagining her cheating with another guy and it might not even be real.”

Now might be a good moment to remind you that at the time, I had a crush on my best friend, and was still firmly in the closet. And this song starts, as everyone knows, with “Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine“.

So... yeah. This is the song that accidentally convinced me the closet sucked and did nothing to deter bullies anyway, and that after more than three years of feeling mostly miserable, I should try to be myself and screw the consequences. I know it wasn’t the original intention behind that song. But still.

Godspeed, The Killers. I owe you one, guys.

Next up: Still not able to put Indochine nor Placebo on a list, OP is this close to punching a wall

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post #eye contact tw

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