#please seek some professional help if what someone on tumblr says affects you to this extent.

[katiifaetarot]

In honor of Valentine's//Galentine's Day, The Reading Today is:

What Makes You Sexy to Other People ?

about me + why i am a tarot reader

⚠️ Im using a rather explicit deck today, so PLEASE!! MDNI!! 18+ CONTENT!! MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!!!! ⚠️

** I AM NOT A MEDICAL OR HEALTH PROFESSIONAL; PLEASE USE YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT AND DISCERNMENT TO DETERMINE IF YOU NEED OR WANT TO SEEK PROPER HELP OR TREATMENTS FOR YOURSELF OUTSIDE OF TUMBLR OR SOCIAL MEDIA!!

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There are 4 piles and you will be picking through Tarot of Segg-xual Magic Cards in the picture right below this text!!!

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✨️🧚🏽‍♀️please choose your pile and may your intuition and inner knowing guide you to the pile with the energy most suited for you and most suited to help you along your path at this current point in time, no matter what that looks like🧚🏽‍♀️✨️

PILE 1- KNIGHT OF SWORDS

PILE 2- EIGHT OF WANDS

PILE 3- THE HIGH PRIESTESS

PILE 4- SIX OF PENTACLES

** sometimes ( most of the time ) i will pick up on multiple energies that need attention or want to be expressed during the reading so i ASK YOU TO UNDERSTAND THIS DURING THOSE TYPES OF READINGS:

depending on how the reader(YOU) chooses to look at the situation or however the situation resonates for the reader(YOU) and because this is a general reading;

⚠️you HAVE to be able to use your better discernment + better judgement skills to fully absorb the message and be able to do the necessary work to keep you on track for the future you WANT for yourself⚠️

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OKAY PILE 1:

You dont play around pile 1 !!

If people are playing games with you, you immediately catch on and start playing a better one agaisn't them.

Some would even say, You're the one who invented the game ;P

Yeah, you're sexy because you stand up for yourself and dont take sh!!!t from nobody. You also let karma deal with nobodys, but sometimes when you want more satisfaction, and YOU might deal with the nobody's yourself!! Hehe

you know how and when to take control and there is L I T E R A L L Y nothing sexier than someone who knows what they want and knows how to get it. People love watching you take charge of situations or people.

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OKAY PILE 2:

People love how much movement you bring

You have people mesmerized by how your body knows exactly how to move in certain.....settings;)

You know how to relax and enjoy the moment without thinking too hard about it. You are free and people admire that about you alot. You dont let things keep you down!!! You fully absorb the situation and moment so you can enjoy it later too!!

you know how to ask people for what you want and need and you also LET people show YOU love and affection too! You're not afraid, which makes you fearless....which makes you so SEXY!

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OKAY PILE 3:

(( OKUURR pile 3 so people love your hips, thighs, the way YOUR BODY MOVES ))

You are the epitome of a soft, once in a lifetime, STERN love pile3.

You have everything and mooreee! You have things people HAVE TO WORK FOR!! And they just come naturally to you.

People love your idgaf attitude sometimes, but how you can turn around and be so soft spoken too. Depending on who or what situation is brought to your feet.

You are actually a noble person and really just want the best for people in the end, and that is precisely what makes you so sexy!

You may forgive but NEVER forget, you set up AMAZING boundaries, and you know and feel your worth!!

You take NO type of disrespect, and that is so commendable and COOL !!!

when people mess with you incorrectly, they have noooo idea the storm that is coming for them when its all over.

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OKAY PILE 4:

Wow. you're powerful pile 4

people love that you seem like you're okay alone. You have an intimidating energy but only for protection. You may feel you want more affection or like you arent sexy because you dont get affection but WOW do people who see or interact with you feel so fkn different!!!

people see you as sexy because you analyze before speaking, you methodically move about, and you can read people in a SNAP!!

You are sexy because you are working on yourself and your dreams!! You are virtually untouchable to people and that, in a really weird way, is sexy to people.

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I sincerely hope you received what you needed and released what you don't !! See you again soon!! Take it easyyy and just breathe and fllooowwww!!! you got this! byyeee~🧚🏽‍♀️✨️

**please let me know how I'm doing in any way you can! that is the easiest way to support me and also a good way to signal to me that I should keep going + any helpful advice from the community would be welcomed and appreciated because i've been off tumblr for about 5years+ now and its all different n' shizz 🥺 🥹 🙏🏼

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⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

**ONCE AGAIN, I AM NOT A MEDICAL OR HEALTH PROFESSIONAL; PLEASE USE YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT AND DISCERNMENT TO DETERMINE IF YOU NEED OR WANT TO SEEK PROPER HELP OR TREATMENTS FOR YOURSELF OUTSIDE OF TUMBLR OR SOCIAL MEDIA!!

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

#tarot blog #tarotcommunity #tarotonline #tarot journal #tarot reading #witch aesthetic #pick a card #pick a pile #spirituality #pac #18+ only #18+ content #18+ post #18+ readings #18+ readers only #happy valentines #galentinesday

[cancerbiophd]

Why am I so afraid of professors? They're all so smart and cool and I always feel like I'm not good enough, especially when they appear to be irked or treat me coldly/with hostility. It makes me feel stupid and unadequate and unworthy. I'm terribily uneasy every time I have to interact with them. Even if I studied hard and I know I'm saying something correct i tend to get unsure and submissive, like in a very 'i-hope-i'm-doing-this-right' and 'please-don't-hurt-me' way. Of course this affects my exams because it looks like I'm not sure of what I'm saying... and the professor gets irked even more because they obviously think I haven't studied and I'm wasting their time. I hate myself for it. Please, do you have any tips to overcome this?

Hi Anon, ohh I know that experience very well. I also used to be absolutely terrified of professors when I was in college. Raising my hand to ask a question in lecture? Nuh uh! Going to office hours? NUH UH. I had huuuge anxiety regarding all that. 

But it slowly got better (though it took longer than I--and my grades--would’ve hoped), so I have some ideas on how you can also become more comfortable around professors. Feel free to try any you feel comfortable doing, and also keep in mind this is in no way a comprehensive list of ideas, and that everything will take baby steps and most importantly, time. 

Firstly, know it’s not your fault. I’m not a therapist or anything so take this with a grain of salt, but it seems to me that something traumatizing may have happened in your past/still happening in your present to create this current feeling of fear around authority figures, especially if one of your constant fears is being physically hurt by them. If that seems to ring true, I highly recommend seeking the advice of a professional therapist, as they can help you find more permanent solutions through these types of obstacles. I think seeking a therapist would be a very kind thing you can do to take care of yourself because, most importantly, you deserve to live a life free from fear, and secondly, it’s affecting your day-to-day life (ie. your grades and mental well-being).

Secondly, I really hope you have a really good experience with a professor one day. A professor who is so kind and so passionate about helping you that it’s a huge step in healing and growing. To get you started, I highly recommend following one of my favorite blogs and professors on tumblr @xiaq. They’re seriously amazing and just, an all around good person. 

Sit near the front of the classroom/lecture hall. Not only will this help in paying attention/retaining information during class, but just by being closer to your professor will help slowly ease you into being more comfortable in their presence. You may also feel more comfortable asking questions in class, as you won’t have a wall of students turning around to look back at you as you speak (I know this gave me huge anxiety). 

Have a study-buddy for each class who you can go to office hours with. Experiences are always less intimidating when you’re with another person. Another bonus of a study-buddy is that you can also ask them any questions you have, and thus possibly skip having to interact with the professor all together (which would be a good thing if the professor really is being unhelpful and rude).

Going off of that, surround yourself with people who inspire you, specifically those with are very comfortable around professors. As social creatures, we oftentimes will passively pick up the mannerisms of those around us. I used to be suuuuper timid and shy, but my confidence grew during high school and college after I became friends with more confident people. 

Seek out a TA first (if possible). TAs are students too (they’re just in graduate school), and they may come across as less intimidating. Heck, I could’ve been your TA :) 

Spend more time with professors or TAs, even passively. Regular exposure is the fastest way to having something feel “normal”, after all. Ideas of doing this include: volunteering at a research lab, getting a part-time job on campus somewhere that has regular interaction with professors or TAs, volunteering at university-sponsored events with professors, hanging out at community learning centers where TAs volunteer as free tutors (if your university has them), signing up for smaller-sized classes (more professor interaction), or even doing homework in public study lounges near professor offices (these areas have the bonus of usually being more quiet than libraries). 

Do something even more intimidating than interacting with a professor. Ok here me out: Once you accomplish something that’s even scarier, your newly gained confidence will be like, “Wow, if I could do something that’s so much more intimidating, then talking to my professor isn’t so bad in comparison!” What you do is up to you, but it should be something that’s obviously safe, but challenging enough so that it’s just a little bit scary, and in the end you’ll be more confident for having accomplished it. Like performing in public, or running for a leadership position for a club you’re in, or working a part-time job/volunteering opportunity that gives you the chance to interact with lots of diverse people.

Know you are not being a burden when you ask a professor for help. A) It’s their literal job to teach. You are no more a burden asking a professor for help on their class than you are going to the doctor’s office when you’re sick. As a student who is paying thousands of dollars in tuition (or someone is paying that for you), you are the reason why that professor has a job and a salary. So they need to do their job well, right? B) Teaching is also their passion. There are a variety of career paths they could’ve taken (especially for those with a PhD), and staying in academia is usually by far one of the hardest and most competitive paths, so the fact that they’re still there means that they really do enjoy what they do. 

But know also that professors are human. Sometimes they may be having a bad day that’s unrelated to their students, and may seem a bit more tense and terse. We’ve all been there, right? If a professor or my boss seems a bit snippy that day, unless they explicitly say to me “Julia, I am so mad at you right now”, I chalk it up to something else happening in their lives that has nothing to do with me. My mental wellbeing has greatly improved by adopting this way of thinking: “never assume another person’s intentions and only accept what they explicitly tell you.”

Say more “thank you”s instead of “I’m sorry”. This moves things away from erroneously putting all the blame on you towards being appreciative of the other person’s time and energy. Instead of “I’m so sorry I don’t understand this from class” try saying “Thank you for taking the time to teach this again to me”. See how different the vibes are? And how much more positive you feel by saying the second one? The other person will also feel more positive about the interaction too. If you catch yourself instinctively saying “I’m sorry” (because I know it’s a habit that’s hard to shake), quickly follow up with a “thank you” as well: “I’m sorry I don’t understand this from class but thank you for taking the time to teach this again to me.” 

Lastly, be patient and kind with yourself as this will take time. Overcoming something that gives us anxiety takes exposure, patience, and time; it won’t happen overnight. Take baby steps at first, and it’s ok if you just can’t do something today. That’s alright, you can try tomorrow. 

Also, if anyone who has gone through something similar has any advice or words of support to share, please feel free to reblog or leave a reply! 

Good luck anon, I hope things get easier for you ❤️ 

#Anonymous #college advice

[sugurus-slxt]

Hiya! May I request a matchup (Ruby) for Jujutsu Kaisen for the follower event? I just stumbled onto your blog; congratulations on getting 100 followers! Let’s see…I’m 5’9” and 25 years old, I have shoulder length wavy light blonde hair (bleached), hazel eyes, pale-ish skin, and kind of an athletic body type (with a little bit of chub). I’m pretty quiet and tend to keep to myself, but if I’m around friends or anyone that I’m comfortable with, I can be pretty loud. I have been told that when I laugh, I can be heard from several rooms over. I don’t really take life too seriously, I mostly just go with the flow. I’m a pacifist; I don’t like to start arguments or fights and I HATE confrontation. However, if someone genuinely pisses me off, I will not hesitate to call them out. I get rather shaky and anxious when doing so though, as I’m not used to it. I’m also pretty open minded and I try to see things from everyone’s point of view.

I love to hike, go running, read, bake/cook, play video games (occasionally), and listen to music! I like EDM; drum & bass, electronica, trance, chill etc. I listen to other stuff besides that, if it’s pleasing to my ears, I will listen to it. I generally read stuff on tumblr, but if it’s a book I gravitate towards fiction! I’m a Libra, and my mbti type is ISFP (though some other tests I’ve taken have typed me as an ISTP, I’m in the middle with thinking and feeling). I like to stay active, as I get bored if I’m not. I mainly do trail running since I love being outside! I have an appreciation for art in any form, and I enjoy looking at what others have created. My favorite types of video games are RPGS, or anything I can get lost in. I also have a weakness for horror games, or anything horror related. I like to listen to horror podcasts, and research urban legends and creatures. I honestly would love to go urban exploring, but I don’t want to risk getting caught trespassing on private property! I also have a pretty big sweet tooth, I have practically zero willpower when it comes to desserts.

Ok, some of these are oddly specific, but some things I dislike are closed minded people, people getting in my personal space, public speaking (I would rather throw myself off a cliff), the colors orange and yellow, deviled eggs, and country music (sorry to the people who love it, ya’ll are still great, keep doing your thing 😆). I’ve had sensory issues ever since I was little (I was always over sensitive), and people getting close to me or touching me has always made me feel very uncomfortable/nervous. I struggle with showing affection, so I can be seen as rather detached or aloof at times. I’m not a very clingy or needy person; I prefer being independent. Also, I can get somewhat irritated if a person keeps offering to help me with something I can easily do on my own. As silly as this sounds, even if their intentions are pure, I feel as though they are saying that I’m incapable. Unsurprisingly, I have a lot of trouble asking for help. I prefer to work things out on my own. I prefer to stay in my comfort zone, and I rarely move out of it. However, deep down inside, I’m craving an adventure.

My style varies; I can go from looking like an up and coming professional runner to a troll that lives underneath a nearby bridge. I tend to favor a lot of darker colors, black is my number one go-to! I wear a lot of athletic leggings and sweatshirts/oversized t-shirts. Mostly because they’re comfy. I do love the cottage core aesthetic, though my clothing/room doesn’t reflect that. For who I seek, I suppose I’m looking for someone who is similar to me! Someone who I can feel comfortable with, and someone who isn’t super into PDA (or too clingy). I can be kind of goofy at times, so a sense of humor would be nice too. Some other things real quick, my dream vacation(s) would be going to Oregon or visiting the Netherlands! My dream jobs would be either a pastry chef (hell just put me in the kitchen in a bakery and let me bake), or working at a nursery/greenhouse. I like to work with my hands, so I would love either one!

I don’t exactly have any characters that I don’t want, I’m just curious as to who I will be matched with! Take your time and have a wonderful day 🙂

Personality Matchup

One 𝑅𝓊𝒷𝓎 coming right up for anon

A/Note: Hey thank you so very much for visiting THE VAULT. I hope you like your match up :) Sorry that I’ve taken so long, I’ve been preoccupied with school, and even though you said to take my time I think I took way too much. I hope you enjoy this. Love <3 ~ Sar-chan

I match you with...

Runner Up: Inumaki Toge

Here are some HCs:

Nanami definitely loves your loud side though he often comes off as reserved I think he really likes how from being super quiet outside or in a meeting to just saying what you’ve been holding back from saying. He loves hearing you talk and every time you shift from quiet to loud he lets out a soft chuckle and a smile he’ll hide away from you.

I think when Nanami is with you he’d find ways to crack jokes just to hear you laugh and he often has this running line, “I’d say I wish your laughs were all mine but I’m sure the neighbour heard it dear,” and finish off with, “I’m joking it’d be a crime not to share your laugh with the world. You and your laugh are far too beautiful to keep hidden.”

I think your personalities and natures would compliment each other nicely. I feel like both of you give a very “it” couple vibe.

Regardless of the suit Nanami wears, I think he dresses more comfortably in his free time. Larger more oversized clothes specifically sweaters and looser pants. He often lends you his sweater, he was a bit hesitant at first but seeing you in his clothes makes his lips quirk into a smile he won’t let you see.

I think Nanami enjoys reading for you especially if you lay against him (if you’re up for it) as both of you get settled for bed. If you fall asleep while he’s writing he’ll place a soft kiss on your forehead and whisper ‘I love you’ as he places the book to the side and repositions you to lay down.

If an argument ever happens to break out between you and Nanami he’ll try his best to bring it to more of a conversation he doesn’t like yelling and he doesn’t want to make you anxious.

He often accompanies you on hikes but almost always on runs because it’s also good for his physique and he gets to spend a bit of extra time with you.

Nanami favourite moments are when he gets to hear you talk about your day in the evening but he also appreciates the quiet moments where you both are just anywhere in the same room doing your own thing, he likes your presence and if the other sees something interesting and just points it out.

He isn’t clingy but Nanami gets touchy on mornings if he’s had a nightmare about you or he’s had an extremely bad day. He likes when you smiley hold him and run your fingers through his hair. He just likes knowing you're there.

I feel like you’d buy Nanami a nicer tie and though he loves you he just might refuse because he’s very accustomed to them and they are in a way essential.

Nanami isn’t the video game type but I think there might be a few select ones he’ll try out with you on the weekends and he just might get pretty addicted to one.

If you ask Nanami he might just take you to some of the places he’s exorcized curses from and as put together as he looks, he’s definitely trespassed. He’ll take you to some quite chilling places and he’ll be keeping an eye on you, however, if you do happen to get scared he will snicker just a bit. He’ll probably take you to a bakery or a coffee shop after to make up for it.

Nanami likes to watch you work in the kitchen if you’re baking up a storm he’ll probably be nearby reading a book but sometimes he’ll leave you to it because he knows you like pace as well.

EXTRA:

I hope you liked it, I apologize for taking such a long time.

THE VAULT IS NOW CLOSED, THANK YOU :)

#forward to opening it once again. #100 followers #100 followers event #🔒.SValut #The Vault.🔒 #haikyu #jujutsu kaisen #my hero academia #matchups #haikyuu matchups #haikyuu moodboard #bnha matchup #haikyuu drabbles #bnha drabble #bnha hcs #haikyuu hcs #jjk hcs #jjk smut #haikyuu smut #bnha smut #mha smut #haikyuu event #bnha event #jjk event #Sar.writes #nanami x reader #nanami kento #jjk fluff #jjk matchups #jjk nanami

[psychicmoth]

i barely (lol) use tumblr these days but it thought it was better to make make a long post about this (re: artists & online audience engagement) instead of a thread of tweets. take this as a rambling, i'm not an example to follow, but i feel like some of the stuff i have to say might help someone out there.

i know it can be incredibly frustrating not getting attention on your art, it hurts, it causes pain, because you invested a lot of time and effort working on it. but i think it's immensely important for artists, especially beginning artists, to learn how to set healthy boundaries around these feelings, because they will never reflect your personal value, never. you are a human before an artist. of course the lack of attention affects you, of course, it sucks, but i'm here to ask you to 1. please, continue trying, i promise you there's an audience for everybody out there and 2. give yourself time to analyze why this might be happening, in case this is something you want to work on.

i don't know your life, i don't know the personal relationship you might have with your art, but i know it can be such an intimate and vulnerable one. cry, if you need to, baby, i'm gonna be here holding your hand ❤️ but once you feel ready, give yourself some time to think. and i promise you, it's gonna hurt less.

it's important to take a step back. even if the lack of attention feels like a personal rejection, it is not, i promise, it is not. it's such a hard thing to separate yourself from, especially in a culture where numbers seem to be everything, but even if it's super hard and discouraging, remember that every well-known artist started somewhere and every person has their own journey. natural inclination to a craft is just a tiny, tiny part of the work, there's a lot of practice and hard work behind, so of course your first artworks aren't gonna your best work! of! course! of course there's always place for improvement! and everybody has the capacity to!! i promise!! please, keep creating.

wait so- do you need to improve your work? maybe, this is an always for me anyway. but, please, take into consideration that this can mean a lot of things. it can be that your anatomical/color/design skills need more work and study, it can be that the subjects you chose to work with are not common or popular at the moment, maybe the message you are trying to communicate/present is not clear enough or contradictory or too niche or strange or- it can just be that the composition you chose doesn't work well with the vertical format of mobile phones or the particular cropping of the social media where you posted lol it's a whooooole journey, there are infinite reasons why someone didn't engaged with your work and sometimes it's super hard to figured it out yourself, that's why seeking feedback is always important, from different people. feedback can be a hard experience too, and i'm so sorry i don't have good news about this part, but it's a fundamental part of the process. eventually, you will build your own criteria and have a better understanding of your own work, and you will learn to know what feedback to follow and what not. i'll get easier. i promise it will. on the other hand, i think it's also important to learn to not obsess over it and always give yourself space to rest and recharge, and you know, live. you are a human at the end. give your 90% instead of your 100%, but always, always seek improvement.

'ok but i feel like maybe my art is not the problem here' yeah, unfortunately your artistic skill are never gonna be enough, these is a conversation about engagement in digital platforms, so of course it's fundamental to remind you that your social media skills are crucial, too. too crucial maybe, so the sooner you learn to master them, the better. yeah, figuring out the best time to post is important. yeah, choosing the best tags matter too. but it goes further than that. sometimes i get overwhelmed thinking about social media because the more you study it, the more your realise how a complex structure it really is uhm. everybody knows that building a community and staying in contact with it is fundamental, in a personal or professional way, because they are not only connections, they are humans too. we, humans, need these connections. but it's super important to remember that some of these connections, or how we refer in this conversation, engagement, is determined by multiple other reasons beyond our basic social skills, kinda. some of them are rewards for playing the algorithm game right. using the right words, engaging in certain conversation or w certain accounts, interacting in the right interval of time, etc. social media platforms benefit from us by us staying here, active, present, creating conversations, discussions, investing time here, making these sites perfect markets for investors. at the end, everything revolves around money and brands. that's why they constantly feed us rewards, numbers that stimulate our brains. and that's why it's important to not let them eat us alive and learn to maintain the most healthy relationship possible w them. of course i'm not saying that all the attention well-known artists get is a byproduct of their good social media skills, of course not, but they are important, very important, and it's a good idea for you to try to learn more about these topics and how every single detail about these sites we use have been thoughtfully planned. for you. to stay. it will help you to be more strategic about showcasing your work and choosing how to wisely spend your time here. you mental health is the most important thing at the end, don't forget that. it's a lot of work to do, yeah, but that's what we have if we want to reach a bigger audience ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

before ending this rambling, i don't want to forget to mention how there can be other hundred things that can get between you and your potential audience, of course, and it's very, very important to keep them always present in our discussions. life-threatening conditions, economic hardships, marginalization are some of them, definitely, and i think it's very important to keep having conversations about them. we as a community have a responsibility to amplify these voices and make sure resources to grow are always available there and not only in moments of extreme need or in reaction to horrible events.

so. yeah. life can be so... hard. the artistic journey is never-ending. whoever is reading this, you have my whole support ❤️ i know it's really easy to get discouraged, but please, keep creating, we need more art in this world more than ever :')) 💖

take care, i hope y'all are having a good day ❤️

ps. btw, my dms are open for advice or feedback! you can do this! 🌻

#artadvice #art advice

[chanaihimaa]

LFRP - Chanai Himaa

(updated 3/10/2021)

DETAILS –––

Alias: “The Lynx”; Rosa Rugosa

Age: 25

Birthday: 13th Sun of the 6th Astral Moon (11/12)

Race: Au Ra, Xela

Gender: Nonbinary transmasc

Sexuality: Homosexual

Pronouns: He/Him/They/Them

Alignment: Chaotic neutral/Good

Marital Status: Single

Physical Appearance –––

Hair: Black

Eyes: Ruby red

Height: 5′2″.

Build: petite, toned

Distinguishing Marks and Body Piercings: Nothing worth noting, he’d say. Dark scales to match both horns and tail, a beauty mark at the upper corner of his mouth and a cluster of faint freckles at the corner of his eyes.  A full tattoo sleeve in dark ink and red roses decorates his right arm and a half sleeve of the same design along his left arm to match the single rose in bloom on his upper right thigh. Only clients are aware of the navel piercing that twinkle and shine tauntingly with the barbell jewelry at his hips. Upon closer inspection, one may notice a single clean white scar on the palm of his right hand and the hint of a small, metal barbell glinting cheekily on his tongue.

Common Accessories: Pocket knives kept hidden in his boot or the inner pocket of jackets, a careful smear of tinted lip balm or rouge that, once only used for work, now a common staple to match the red eyeshadow he wears.

PERSONAL –––

Profession: Depends on whom you ask. Some know him as a habitual thief, a for-hire professional courtesan, intelligence gatherer, or the occasional “Handler” that does away annoying competition. Hard to prove the latter. Unless... you know where to look.

Hobbies: Drinking, painting, photography, sparring. collecting pocket knives and learning new spells

Languages: Eorzean Common, Elezen, and speckles of other phrases from other languages his tongue is still learning.

Birthplace: The Sea, he believed prior; Limsa and its orphanage has been his home for as long as he can remember. Quite recently he has discovered his birthplace and family tribe The Steppe.

Residence: a quaint apartment

Religion: He worships no higher being but the magiks that run through his veins. He is open to knowing about many other beliefs

Patron Deity: Rhalgr

Fears: He fears abandonment and betrayal from those that, by some higher deity, he would rest his trust in. Hells fire and dragon’s roar do not frighten him. Come Hells or high water, he would face it at any cost. It are those that manage to get too close to him that make him weary, and the emotional compromise that comes with it.

RELATIONSHIPS –––-

Spouse: “...you’re jokin’”

Children: None

Parents: His mother, Kinu Himma, and father, Naoie Himaa

Other relatives: A twin sister, Cho Himaa

Pet(s): Midnight, his pet Coeurl

TRAITS –––

Extroverted / In Between / Introverted Disorganized / In Between / Organized Close Minded / In Between / Open Minded Calm / Anxious / damn good at pretending to be calm Disagreeable / In Between / Agreeable Cautious / In Between / Reckless Patient / In Between / Impatient Outspoken / In Between / Reserved Leader / In Between / Follower Empathetic / In Between / Apathetic Optimistic / In Between / Pessimistic Traditional / In Between / Modern Hard-working / In Between / Lazy Cultured / In Between / Uncultured Loyal / In Between / Disloyal Faithful / In Between / Unfaithful

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION –––-

Smoking Habit: never / sometimes / frequently / trying to cut back  Drugs: never / sometimes (depends) / frequently / to excess. Alcohol: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

RP HOOKS –––

The Price is Right: For those that have their own connections to know, Chanai has a reputation of doing shady jobs for coin beneath the veiled service of a simple courtesan addressed as one of his aliases, Rose Rugosa. Need him to move info from one place to another? Need something stolen? Be a bird in someone’s ear or fly on the wall? He's your lad. Whom else better than someone whose job is to make those he gets involved with comfortable enough to loosen their tongue? He'll do as he's asked. So long as the price is right.

"...Have we met?": Living amidst the underbelly, a good bit of the time Chanai is actively seeking out clientele for his courtesan work, other times he is gathering information among the hustle and bustle when he isn’t pushing trades for others. Especially in any tavern that keeps the liquor pouring. Be warned, he may pick your pockets if he's feeling frisky. 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder: Chanai is a painter! Commission work is his bread and butter. After all, it helps pay the rent. .

"Be careful with me”: Beware your crossings. Foul-mouthed and quick to temper, Chanai has no problem pressing blades to sensitive areas if you come off as a threat to him. Don't push your luck if you don't want to be gutted from ear to where the blessed Twelve split you. Hidden blades are a comfort for this quick-handed Auri. 

Magiks: A strange dream, coupled with the calling of something restless in his core, has stirred Chanai on a path of newfound discovery that he sets out to know more of and understand the scar on his hand that grants him the ability to see fragment memories of those he touches with it. 

Misc.: Got an idea of how your character's fate intertwines with Chanai? What to throw some headcanons at each other until something sticks? Let's chat shop and brainstorm our way into plotting.

OOC, I AM…

Quite open to almost all forms of roleplay. Chanai is a mature-themed character with mature elements. Please don’t be afraid to ask about anything before we get into any plots, planning, and/or RP that may have darker themes. Anything that would permanently affect my character is something I will not allow unless we’ve discussed it prior.

Well-over the age of 25+

Looking for friends, enemies, and work contacts for this lovely lad

Friendly! You can contact me here on Tumblr, in-game and Discord ChaCha#6994. Discord is easier for me to roleplay, but I also have a tenderness for roleplaying there and here. Can be open to in-game rp. 

On EST

Preferred rping over Discord, personally.

On the Balmung server/Crystal Data Center. 

#ffxiv rp #lfrp mateus #ff14 roleplay #the rose in a glass dome #mateus lfrp #ffxiv lfrp #ff14 lfrp

[rivkahstudies]

Hi, i've been having big troubles with wanting to be better at academia and stuff but im not really sure how to get started... i sorta feel like an imposter a lot but im trying to not let it affect me but sometimes i just have moments of excruciating executive dysfunction where i can't move because I want to do so many things and my body is fighting against me... Idk if i even have a question really but it feels better to tell you this... i really look up you a lot and have for a long time...

Hi nonnie! It’s incredibly brave of you to drop this in my inbox. Yes, even anonymously. It takes a lot to even type that kind of honesty out. So thank you, and I hope you take a moment to thank yourself.

Secondly, thank you for touching my heart by your kind words. I hope you realize as you look up to me that I have the same kind of feelings, as do many studyblrs–and I’m dedicated to being honest about it so you don’t feel as if you have to live up to a perfect (and impossible, and fake) standard. I go to therapy regularly despite being in a lot better place than I used to be, because it’s almost like going for a mental check-up or gym session, and my therapist helps me sort through even tiny things so I can build better habits and mindsets. But I still remember feelings of dysfunction well, and I still battle with imposter syndrome!

The most important key ideas here are attainable goals and self talk. Both of these ideas don’t come easily, they do take work, but they’re tools that make other difficult things easier over time, with persistence.

When your body is fighting you (and really, more than anything with executive dysfunction, your mind is fighting you and making your body less functional), even baby steps can be difficult. For you, it could be anything from exercising to studying to eating to showering. Big or small, it’s totally valid that you may or may not struggle with it, and it doesn’t make you desperate for attention, or fake, or pathetic.

Let’s take your desire to “get better at academia.” That could mean a lot of things, so I’m going to latch onto one facet of it as an example. If it doesn’t apply with that exact example, that’s completely okay! Just alter it to apply to what you are struggling with, or desiring.

1. Big, abstract goal: to get better at academia

2. What that means (for this example): developing better study habits

3. What kind of things constitute that? That’s still a big, abstract goal that sounds quite formidable and unattainable. List out as many things as you can that you are striving to do or would want to try. Not everything might work for you!

Managing time better

scheduling study time

being accountable via apps or with family/friends

being efficient or effective (i.e. not getting distracted 

Finding study habits that work for you and for the class’ requirements

flashcards

typed computer notes

handwritten computer notes

handwritten paper notes

infographics

youtube videos

interactive online exercises

conversations with classmates, tutors, or professors

podcasts

mind maps

journal entries

presentations

self-made study guides

practice tests (self-made or provided, online or on paper)

Feynman’s technique–writing a summary of what you’re studying, and then comparing it to the actual material. Whatever is missing is what you need to focus on, because my mantra is that it will always appear on the test.

ranking the subjects or topics by what you know most to least and studying from the bottom up. I can post a more detailed guide to this if you want! just hit me up again.

Also changing the way you treat and care for yourself

setting a stable routine

eating better (this means different things for different people–maybe you need more Vitamin C, so you should focus on more fruits in your diet, or iron, so vegetables, etc… consult with a doctor or registered dietician, not a nutritionist since they don’t have to have a degree or certification)

going to bed at a routine time

if you have to choose one, make the wake up time set. that way, if you do go to bed late but wake up at that time, it’ll reset your body clock to be sleepier earlier the next day. it’ll eventually even itself out. 

drinking more water

setting up or revising your skin care routine

taking measured and unmeasured breaks away from studying to allow the information to set in your brain and to give your mind and body a much-needed reprieve

setting limits on how much screentime you want yourself to add

Self-talk

This is the big one I want to impart on you before this post is over.

You can’t just try to implement these better habits. You also have to focus on what you’re thinking when you’re doing or not doing them, and how you’re psychologically treating yourself. This isn’t easy! It takes a lot of time. And that’s okay. You aren’t going to be free of this stuff overnight. I’ve been working on this stuff actively since I was about 17 and I’m still struggling with it. But I’m also much better at addressing it than I was almost three years ago.

Be aware

Recognize when you’re treating yourself harshly. Acknowledge those times you say “I’m not good enough” in the very back of your mind. Because a lot of times we aren’t even fully conscious of how much we say “I hate myself” or “I’m stupid” or “I can’t do this.”

Once you’ve done that, start calling attention to it.

Hold yourself accountable. If this were someone hurting a friend of yours, you would likely be calling them out for the whole world to know their cruel behavior isn’t acceptable. It’s the same thing for yourself! Those awful thoughts in your brain might live there from self-doubt, mental illness, or other reasons, but you do get to decide if they pilot your actions and your mentality, even if they’re whispering awful things about how you don’t have a choice but letting them be in control. 

I will freely admit on here that I’m attending therapy, because I seek to destigmatize it. I’m not at rock bottom. I’m not pathetic. I just noticed some things about me that I need to change, heal, and/or improve, and I wanted a professional to help me! Much like if I sprained my ankle or got a cold and needed to see a doctor. And one of the things that my therapist told me was as much as my anxiety felt debilitating, I am the one piloting my body and I am the one who gets to decide whether my self-talk is going to change.

And do it gently.

Not “you’re an awful person for saying these things about yourself.” You don’t solve bullying with bullying, and you definitely don’t solve putting yourself down or feeling like an imposter but doing more of the same. Instead, show compassion to yourself. 

Have a conversation with yourself.

“Why do I feel like this?” 

“Where is this coming from?”

“What makes me say that?” 

“What can I say instead?”

“What would make me feel better?”

“What could change my mindset about this problem?”

The choice is up to you how you do it. But pretend you’re pulling someone who is misbehaving or acting cruel aside, and instead of reprimanding them, you just gently put your hand on their shoulder and say, “I’m here. What’s going on? What’s causing this behavior?”

Do the same exact thing with yourself! Offer that compassionate hand. If you’re anything like me, your imposter system is probably coming from undue pressure on yourself, self-doubt, previous bad experiences, fear of failure or rejection, insecurity, anxiety, or any number of other things that could make you doubt your beauty, your talent, your work ethic, your ability to succeed.

And a lot more people have it than you think! Just don’t compare yourself to others when, even if you know them well, you can’t know them 100%. I’m sharing my experiences because I want you to know that you’re not alone. And I also want you to know that you can only fix yourself, you can only control yourself, and the same goes for others–they have no business (and probably aren’t thinking of having any business) judging you or controlling you. If they are, screw them. Your job is to take care of and focus on yourself.

Once you know where it’s coming from, start substituting the language.

You can’t do this. “You may not be able to do this yet, but with some effort, you’ll be able to–or, you’ll be close to being able to.”

You’re a failure. “Everyone makes mistakes or fails. It doesn’t define you.”

It was just luck that got you this far. “It was hard work, passion, and effort. Keep hanging onto those things.”

You’re not good enough. “You are enough, and you don’t exist for others. You exist for yourself.”

People will get bored of you. “You don’t exist to entertain or please others.”

There’s a million more I could go through, but hopefully these examples are enough for you to apply it to your own doubts.

This might be a good exercise to journal. Because then you actually have to get the thoughts out instead of them staying scrambled in your brain. Feel free to do a bulleted guide for yourself like this one!

Etc, etc, etc… Any one of these single bullets could be an entirely distinct post, but I hope this is enough to start you off, nonnie. I want to apologize for taking my sweet time responding, but I really hope you’re still out there, somewhere on tumblr, and you see this post. You are loved, nonnie, especially by me, and I’m always here if you need something. If you message me again, call yourself something, like “self talk nonnie,” so I know I’m still talking to you.

You are all loved! You are all enough! You are all valuable and beautiful as long as you stay true to yourselves.

#anonymous #rivkah answers #my advice #executive dysfunction #studying with mental illness #imposter syndrome #mental illness #studying #student #studyblr

[itsreallylaterightnow]

Itsreallylaterightnow Master List

AO3 Page: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsreallylaterightnow/pseuds/itsreallylaterightnow

Order: Newest to Oldest

19. Love, Michelle 

Peter Parker and Michelle Jones have been friends since meeting at Midtown. Their relationship has had many up's and down's, the universe seemingly cursing them to never cross paths no matter how desperately the two want each other.

Or

The Love, Rosie AU that I didn't know I needed until I saw @seek-rest post about it

18. Irreplaceable You

Then she learned that she didn’t have to worry about that anymore. Because her story was going to end. She didn’t need to worry about what she was going to wear next, or her payments, or her assignments. It didn’t matter anymore because she was going to die. And she never knew that she was living her life for the next moment until she realized that the only moment, she was waiting for was her death. But the one thing that she would always worry about, was Peter Parker.

or

The Irreplaceable You AU that took over my life and is going to make me cry a whole lot

17. There's No Shelter From the Storm

With the Accords having fallen to pieces, Secretary Ross will do anything to take out enhanced individuals. Even if that means paying scientists to create a biological weapon carried by non-enhanced individuals that only effects those with mutated genes. Tony pulls Peter out of school, quarantining him into the tower, but how hard is it going to be to keep a teenaged ball of energy from getting himself infected?

or

Peter Parker is really bad at quarantining himself when there are still people that need Spider-Man's help and Secretary Ross sucks.

Author's Note: This is a fic obviously inspired by the crazy events happening outside our doors, but this fic is in no way meant to be insensitive to those affected. Stay home, stay safe. My prayers are with those infected, families who have loved ones infected, those who are quarantined with abusive families, first responders, medical professionals, and those who have lost jobs.

16. To Look Down Upon You is Enough For Me

“A wise man told me once that fathers weren’t always born to you. That-that sometimes the best fathers are the ones that step up to the plate when no one else is there. I didn’t truly know what having a father was like. But now I know what having a father should be. And I’ll miss him every day.”

-

Peter went on the mission thinking that he and Mr. Stark would be back in time for him to apologize to Michelle about being late for supper again.

He never would have imagined the outcome that happened, or how much it would affect who he was as a father.

15. Now All Our Memories (They're Haunted)

“I want to stay.” Peter stated indignantly, ignoring the blood that dripped from his nose, a waterfall of pain and dread. His head pounded like a river breaking on the shore over and over and over again. He could feel it. The energy that was racing through his bloodstream. His mind was a supernova. Flashes of lights and stars and images of things he had never seen – things he could never understand. Time warping around his consciousness, bending his thoughts into an everlasting loop. He felt the world at his finger-tips and he wanted it to go away. Like a black hole coming to wrap around him as he tried to claw his way back to the surface. Peter took a ground shattering breath – the earth’s plate shifting every time he inhaled. “I was going to be with you… forever.”

14. Let's Just Order Take Out From Now On?

Peter always knew that May's cooking was bad... he just never expected to almost die from it

or

Peter gets botulinum poisoning and stress ensues

13. Nothing is As it Has Been (and I Miss Your Face Like Hell)

Pete is grieving. And he just needed to say goodbye. Needed the chance to say goodbye. When he gets the oppurtunity, of course he won't pass it up.

or

The author is grieving and just really needed to live vicariously through a fic so she wrote this.

12. 5 Times Tony Got Peter Out + the One Time He Couldn't

Tony is always there for Peter. Always. But God, it can be exhausting when the kid has the worst self-preservation skills in the world. But, that's why he has Tony.

or

5 times Tony got Peter out + the one time he couldn't

11. My Bones Have Found A Place (To Lie Down & Sleep)

Prompt from Irondad-Fic-Recs on Tumblr: Prompt: So I just saw little women and I’m just thinking about the scene where one of the sisters dies. Like the older sister Jo, fall asleep by her bedside only to wake up to see her younger sister is gone. So how about peter and tony in this situation. Tony dozes off by Peter’s bedside while he’s hurt or sick and wakes up to find he passed away while was sleeping

:(

Why you got to hurt me like this? What if it’s like an IW AU where people die, and the body is left behind after Thanos snapped? and Peter clings on to life long enough to get back to earth and the compound where they hook him up to machines to try to save him (his heart is failing or something idk) but then that happens.

so basically that, just check it out.

10. It's Just Medicine 

Peter has an old injury that flares up once in a while, he thought for certain that he would be able to keep it a secret from Tony, until it flares in the middle of them testing out a new suit.

or

Tony Stark is a worried dad, and hates to see when Peter is in pain.

9. So Leave Me In The Cold (Wait Until The Snow Covers Me Up)

Peter has been missing for three weeks. Tony just needs to get his kid back. Just needs to hold him again.

Whatever it takes.

Or

Another rescue fic because we could always use some protective Irondad

8. Run Into My Arms Again (walk with me into the light) - Febuwhump 

Tragedy strikes Peter Parker’s life again. He wasn’t ready for it, and he knows that he will never be the same, but after four months of college, he is beginning to think that he will learn to be whole again. He has his family; May and Happy, and the support of the Starks to help bring him happiness again.

Then, the unthinkable happens. When Peter finds himself in the clutches of someone that wants nothing but to see Tony Stark burn to the ground, how will he find the strength to hold on until help arrives? And will he be able to protect his newfound family in the process?

7. Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Being Pulled in So Many Directions

Peter knows he did poorly on his final, and he feels bad enough. Then May finds out. Peter doesn't know how to handle all the pressure of being a normal high-school teenager on top of trying to balance the responsibility that comes with being spider-man.

Thank fully he has Tony Stark and May Parker to keep him in check- and comfort the stressed teen along the way.

6. When I Was Older

Peter Parker never thought that something like this would be a problem, he always imagined with the spider-bite came a sort of overall health and wellness... well besides being shot at constantly. So when this terrible illness bites down on him suddenly, how will it effect the few days he has left?

or

Peter Parker contracts an illness that he has never heard of then learns that it has no known cure... will he lose his mind before getting the chance to say goodbye to the ones he loves?

5. Whumptober 2019

spooky season=whumpy season! Here is whumptober 2019 from the prompts I created on my Tumblr itsreallylaterightnow! Please enjoy!

WARNING: this is whumpy stuff- so violence, graphic violence is to be expected. There will be blood and injuries and sadness, but it should mostly have a happy ending to each chapter!

4. Diamond of the Day 

Peter couldn't let Mr. Stark die. He wouldn't let him die. He had lost Ben, he wouldn't stand by and not do anything.

Or

The Avengers Endgame/Merlin crossover that no one asked for and made me sad

3. Saturn

Penny Parker lost May a year ago, and as she is coping with what happened, her life just seems to be one trial at a time. Within seconds her life changes forever. Will the knowledge that she still has a family, not by blood but by love, be enough to get her through the challenges that come her way?

or

Penny lives in the tower with the Avengers, but Ross has a plan for revenge. He knows that Tony would never show fear or pain, but in order to hurt Tony Stark, you hurt what he cares about. (I suck at summaries I'm so sorry)

2. Tumblr Drabble/One Shots

Archives from my tumblr - itsreallylaterightnow

Remember that I take requests over there! If it’s irondad whump/fluff odds of me accepting it are like... %100!!! Love you all!

Enjoy the fluffy whumpy goodness :)

1. Use Somebody

Peter Parker lives the average life... school, being an intern to the biggest company like-ever and fighting criminals while wearing spandex. Who knew that being close to Tony Stark would hold such deadly consequences

#itsreallylaterightnow #fanfiction #masterlist

[vuelie-frost]

F2: How do we cope?

So I’m someone who has a moderate dose of anxiety in her life, which is being combatted through therapy, medication, & learning healthy coping mechanisms. I’m no expert, but I have some experience dealing with strong negative emotions. One strategy I’ve been recommended is asking yourself, in any given anxiety-riddled situation, “What’s the worst-case scenario that could happen?” This brings you out of your own head- out of hypotheticals- and into the concrete.

Don’t get me wrong, it can be painful to think about. But it can be helpful to see where our biggest fears lie. And if you’re interested in alleviating those strong negative emotions, it’s a necessary step.

I’ve said before that I’m trying to stay open-minded and optimistic about this movie. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have fears and concerns. For me personally, my biggest "worst that can happen” theories for the ending of Frozen 2 are:

- The sisters never see each other again (with a heart-shattering goodbye scene that makes us all inconsolable) - Elsa loses her humanity to become a spirit/goddess, essentially intangible and immortal - Elsa is no longer called “Queen Elsa” in the franchise, invalidating a huge historic part of her identity - Elsa doesn’t attend Anna’s coronation because she’s “too busy” doing other shit - Disney+ makes a spin-off TV series with Elsa going on adventures (just please... no.)

(please don’t chime in with what you guys think about those ideas, at least in this post, whether they’re right or wrong... that’s not the point.)

So what if any, if all, of these things happen? What next?

Stuff not to do (I mean, do whatever you want, but these probably won’t be very helpful)

- oversleeping as a defense mechanism - eating your feelings - drinking/using substances to numb pain - stew and ruminate on the internet with people who only get your sadness and anger riled up - spend all day on the internet - engage in maladaptive compulsive behaviors (oh, hello dermatillomania. great to see you again.) - completely avoid feeling your feelings - making impulse decisions (don’t go buy a car just because “Frozen 2 sucks, the world is meaningless.”) - rant to Jen/Chris/the creative team at Disney on Twitter (which is different from an honest review of the movie, which I’m sure they’d be more receptive to)

Stuff to do

1) Grieve the movie we longed for. 

This might sound dramatic and my inner critic is constantly chiding me with “It’s literally a movie for kids, why are you so bonded to it?” But that’s totally unhelpful here. It doesn’t matter why or how, but most of us in the fandom feel a deep connection to the first movie. It’s not exaggeration to say that IF the sequel crushes us, it could be emotionally devastating. Grief is complex, individualized, and weird to work through... but it’s real, and if it’s something we need to face in order to move forward,  2) Decide how tightly to hold onto the franchise. 

Something being canon doesn’t mean we have an obligation to internalize it. How many franchises before have whittled their stories down to C-rated TV shows and average spinoffs? Do we accept all of them wholeheartedly?

Granted, this is hard to write about because there’s a slight cognitive dissonance that has to happen for us to disbelieve the sequel of any story.  But regardless, determining your relationship to the narrative is a deeply personal choice- one that can’t be decided for you. If my worst-case scenarios happen for F2, I’m probably going to maintain my complete love for the first movie... and pretend the sequel is an AU. Or extrapolation. Accept that it exists as the canon progression, but reject its meaning in my life.

3) Get off the internet. 

This is probably the best possible thing to do when the online world is causing you strife and stress. Tumblr has a tendency to be an echo-chamber; I actually only recently rejoined after a long loooong hiatus for that reason. Despite what boomers want you to think, the internet’s not inherently toxic. But despite all its good, it’s also highly curated, completely biased, full of half-truths, and a fantastic vehicle for rumors.

Also realize that until November 22, anything and everything Frozen 2-related that’s released by Disney is going to make you psychoanalyze the content for clues on how to feel. We’ll all become obsessed, deranged Sherlocks in our own right. Don't let it consume you.

4) Creatively output your thoughts & feelings

Headcanons, AUs, derivative work, fan fiction, fan art all serve us well (and are way healthier than like, downing an entire chocolate cake in sadness.) I’m an artist and you bet your biscuits I’ll be sketching Elsa for weeks and WEEKS before & after the premiere. It’s just how I process things.

Another thing I’ve decided I’m going to do if any of my worst-case scenario fears are realized is: write letters to the sisters as if they were real people. Talk to them about the ending. Jen Lee kept journals writing to/from the girls when they were conceptualizing the movie; I think there’s merit in letting the characters speak for themselves.

5) Employ your favorite coping mechanisms

These are personal to you, but could include:

- meditation - working out or exercising - yoga - writing/drawing (see above point) - making coffee or tea & relax in bed with a book - talk to someone about it, bonus points if it’s someone in the “real world” - take a walk outside - use breathing exercises - take a hot bath or shower - clean your room/house/apartment - put on music - cook - play with a pet - do something with a friend Note that all of these have to do with the external world. Distraction doesn’t heal us by itself (which is why denial is a poor way of dealing with shit,) but it helps our brains reset in the background. It sets the rest of the world into perspective, so that we can more effectively face our negative emotions later.  Remember, there’s nothing wrong with putting off processing until you’ve done something helpful or enriching. “Listen brain, we can cry later, right now I’m going to bake pumpkin cookies and you can’t stop me.”

6) Remember story is told to connect us with the real world

The idea of escapism is a bit paradoxical, because in pursuing a fantasy world, we’re only working to realize our desires in the real world. The reason we love Frozen so much is because we want that kind of love in our own lives... and the fairy tale reminds us that it’s real. Idealized and sanitized by The Mouse, sure, but it’s real. 

It may be painful to acknowledge but: we don’t need Elsa, Anna, Kristoff, or Olaf in order to flourish. Fiction exists to affect us in the real world. Frozen is one story among many- MANY!- that have the potential to sculpt your own personal future. That’s not to say it doesn’t retain a deep meaningful significance for us. I’m going to hold the first movie in my heart forever, that I know for sure. But its reasons for being great are because it plants us in reality. Can you imagine a beautiful young woman with the ability to freeze ice? Maybe that’s not plausible. But an undying, fiercely loyal commitment between two women? Hell yeah. 7) Recognize idolization & parasocial relationships where they may be... and start to heal them

This is heavy stuff that might require a professional to help you sort through- but if you’re truly suffering, paralyzed, or flung into a depressive episode due to any life circumstance (including a movie sequel,) it’s not silly to seek help in order to move forward. 

Parasocial relationships are perceived relationships where the other party (usually a celebrity, in terms of celebrity worship) doesn’t know you. Fictional worlds can fall into this category as well. It’s a one-side relationship that feels unbalanced when the other party does something we don't like. This is a studied topic I’m not super knowledgable on, but here are some links to more information if you’re interested: Why We Get So Attached To Fictional Characters by Kimberly Truong 

Parasocial Relationships with Fictional Characters in Therapy by Kathleen Gannon

Parasocial Break-Up from Favorite Television Characters: The Role of Attachment Styles and Relationship Intensity by Jonathan Cohen

Our fictional friends: Parasocial interaction and relationships in an evolving media world by Carri Romm - - - Also: I love you guys. <3 I love being in the Frozen fandom. It’s all going to be okay.

#frozen 2 leaks #frozen 2 spoilers #frozen 2

[kitsune-kirei]

TW: Self harm, suicide, manipulation, ect.

Recently I’ve seen some posts going around that have been affecting me heavily as an individual, posts that have triggered some very unpleasant memories. I felt like it would be wrong of me to just sit back and let these posts affect people I know without saying anything, without sharing my experiences.

I think there is something important we should discuss, especially in an online community.

I want to talk about how to distinguish if someone has survived a suicide attempt, VS someone fabricating suicide as a manipulation tactic. 

( Edit: I am not making this post as an excuse to call someone out on fabricating crisis. I am making this post to open the discussion about manipulative behavior. Never accuse someone of lying or fabricating a self harm story. And please read everything before jumping to conclusions. This text post is very long, and if you skim you will miss very, very important points and nuances to my words.)

I debated for a while if I should even post this, and asked for the opinion of multiple people. The last thing I want to do is trigger anyone who’s going through self harming thoughts and feelings, or sound like I’m trivializing a topic as serious as suicide. Though after seeing some of my friends affected by the topic of this post, and feeling manipulated myself; I decided I would post about my own experiences, to help people distinguish if they are being manipulated with self harm.  I’m motivated to write this because of the lack of information about what happens if someone survives a suicide attempt, especially if its involving a person you know through online interactions.

I think its very important to have a discussion about, especially with how serious of a topic suicide and self harm is, and how easy it is to fabricate a self harm story and manipulate online. I’ve seen and heard of suicide being used as a manipulation tactic in RP communities especially.

I want to start off with saying, its all right to seek attention if you’re suicidal. Its all right to reach out to friends and people who care about you. If a tumblr blog is all you have to reach out to others, then its okay to ask for help publicly. Don’t ever feel guilty about reaching out to others if you need help. I cannot stress this enough. ‘Seeking attention’ has such a negative connotation behind it, and we need to change our mindset about these two words when they’re put together. 

Below, I’ve put some numbers to multiple suicide hotlines across the world. Call them if you have no other option for relief. Its not shameful, it’s self care, especially if you don’t have anyone around, and you feel so bad and far gone that you might hurt yourself.  

USA Suicide Hotline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

European Suicide Hotline: https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/Europe/

Australian Suicide Hotline: https://www.gogentleaustralia.org.au/suicide_help

Asian Suicide Hotline: http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/Asia

I sincerely hope that if you have self harming thoughts, you’ll take care of yourself and reach out to people you can trust. Either close friends, or one of the numbers provided above.

Again, I cannot stress enough, if you feel like self harming or ending your life, PLEASE SEEK HELP AND REACH OUT TO TRUSTED INDIVIDUALS.

With that made clear, I’m going to I’m going to talk about some signs to tell if someone is manipulating you by sensationalizing a suicide attempt online.

_________________________________________

I really didn’t want to get personal with my own experiences... And even now I have a side that feels very ashamed that I’m talking about this so openly and posting it publicly. I realize though, that I have to provide some sort of backup to what I’m about to say, if I want to try to educate others about the topic at hand.

I’ve attempted on my own life twice now. I’ve been admitted to hospitals, and day programs where we weren’t allowed to leave until they knew we were better. I’ve made friends from these programs that have also attempted on their life multiple times.  I’m not saying this to gain sympathy, I’m saying this because I’ve experienced first hand what an attempt is like, from both sides. I’ll be taking from my personal experiences and some of my friends that were lucky enough to survive their own attempts.

Disclaimer:  I am no expert when it comes to this topic, and I’m not claiming to be. I can only provide my own experiences for help. 

Also, these points will be written from the perspective through the internet, and not face to face.

EDIT: These points are also made from the perspective as an USA citizen. I cannot speak about experiences from other countries, like Europe, or Asia. Your experiences will differ based on Country, or the state you live in.

Again, please seek professional help if suicide and self harm has been a constant throughout in your life.

Below are the points I’ve written up from my own experiences what happens when someone attempts suicide, and red flags to look out for if you suspect you’re being manipulated online.

1. The biggest red flag that you could possibly get that someone is sensationalizing a suicide attempt, is if they have access to a mobile phone or a computer only a few hours after they said they were going through with suicide. Anyone who’s survived a legitimate suicide attempt, and found, will most likely be admitted into a hospital, and ALL ELECTRONICS WILL BE CONFISCATED, for days or weeks depending on how severe the attempt was. They will NOT let you have internet access, and you will lose contact with this person for days, sometimes weeks if the hospital finds physical proof that they tried to end their life. The hospital takes multiple blood tests to see if you have any abnormal amounts of drugs in your system, and check your body thoroughly for any cuts or bruises.

Again, HOSPITALS DO NOT GIVE YOU PHONE / INTERNET ACCESS DURING THIS TIME. YOU LOSE YOUR RIGHTS WHEN YOU ATTEMPT SUICIDE, AND ARE FORCED TO STAY IN THE HOSPITAL OR PSYCHIATRIC WARD UNTIL YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS DEEMED STABLE. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS.  This process can sometimes take weeks or months depending on how severe your mental state is. The reason you lose your phone and internet access is because they don’t want you to get triggered from anything you can potentially see online, or talk to people that could make your situation and mental state worse. If nothing was found in their blood tests, no outwardly self harm injuries are found, and their mental state is deemed safe enough for them to be alone, their phones and rights are given back and they are released from the hospital. 

If someone is online or on their phone right after a supposed suicide attempt, its almost guaranteed that they’re sensationalizing.

(Edit: Your experience on this will differ based on where you live. Example: Its been brought to my attention that the UK will not do this in most cases. Though from my knowledge, most US states confiscate your phones. Not all, but most.)

2. They provide too much information. If they give you a very detailed run down on their situation and exactly everything that’s going on, they’re probably lying. There’s an excerpt perfectly explaining this from an article here:

"When someone goes on and on and gives you too much information — information that is not requested and especially an excess of details — there is a very high probability that he or she is not telling you the truth," wrote Glass. "Liars often talk a lot because they are hoping that, with all their talking and seeming openness, others will believe them."

If you see the person in question online, and they’re posting about their suicide experiences with a run down about every single thing that’s going on, (doctor visits, medications they might be receiving, mental evaluations being performed), its a sign that they’re sensationalizing the situation, especially if its a play by play, or if they’re posting about it as soon as its happening.

3. They post publicly about their attempt in detail and in excess. I’ve never met, or experienced anyone who’s attempted suicide, that wants to broadcast their attempt publicly. When you fail an attempt, you try to distance yourself from the attempt as much as possible, and will probably only speak about it to people who are very close to you, if you even choose to speak about it. The feelings that come after are failed attempt are HUGE waves of guilt, shame, and regret. You especially feel guilty about the people you’ve worried, and hurt with an attempt. (I cannot stress how hurt the people close to you get after you attempt suicide.)

People are (usually) very apologetic and self loathing/deprecating after trying to take a step as drastic as self harm. They’re ashamed, withdrawn, and very quiet, especially when it comes to the topic of their attempt. Attempting suicide is one of the most traumatic experiences you can go through, and most are very unwilling to go into detail about how they attempted, or what happened after. The last thing you would want is for you actions to be broadcasted publicly. If someone is publicly posting their experiences after a supposed attempt, their motivations are probably to gain attention from someone specific, or multiple people. It doesn’t have to be, but its most likely the case. 

(On a side note, I’ve seen public apology letters being posted online from people who have attempted. These apologies and letters are not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about when the topic of someone’s suicide attempt is brought up over and over, post after post in detail.)

Edit: This point above is talking about when someone posts about their suicide publicly right after their attempt. It is possible that someone who has actually survived an attempt to start to post online about it, but in my experience, its very easy to tell the difference between someone trying to manipulate a situation to gain sympathy, compared to someone who is posting because they’re seeking help / comfort / don’t know how else to cope. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE WHEN SOMEONE ACTS ON ANXIETY, AND WHEN SOMEONE IS ACTING ON THE NEED TO MANIPULATE AND SKEW A SITUATION, or to manipulate sympathy from others. Anxiety tends to feel frantic and desperate, manipulation is calm, collected and thought out. This is not true for every single case on self harm, but it usually is in my experience.

4. They show no signs of remorse. A little bit of what I talked about above relates to this point. If you see little, to no signs of remorse or regret for an attempted suicide, they’re most likely using it in a manipulative way. (Edit: I want to make it clear what I mean by no remorse. If someone seems cheerful, proud, or even smug about their suicide attempt, its a red flag. People who have actually survived an attempt can also emotionless, or feeling ‘dead’on the inside afterwards. Not everyone who has attempted will feel sorry for what they did, but it usually will be coupled with ill feelings about them self or the situation.)

5. They try to guilt trip, shame, or use their suicide attempt as an excuse for someone to stay in their life, or to gain more attention/time from a person. This is a touchy subject, especially since you are absolutely not in the right state of mind when you survive an attempt. But it is still a red flag if someone uses their attempt at their life to guilt, or scare someone into feeling like they need to stick around. If you find yourself in this situation, please know that it is not your job to pick this person back up and make them feel better. Distance yourself from toxic behavior if you must. (Edit: I also want to make this clear, people who are under extreme spells of anxiety and franticness can start saying things along the lines of guilt tripping, but there is a huge difference when someone does this frantically and desperately form a hightened state of emotion, vs someone making calculated ultimatums). 

Edit - Other red flags to look out for (Again, your experience might differ depending on the situation)-

They suddenly backpedal from their claims as soon as you provide options for professional help.

They leave a suicide note that is passive aggressive, aggressive, guilt tripping, or done with an air of spite.

They claim they were in drastic circumstances (Ex: ‘I was passed out after what I did’, ‘I took a lot of drugs’, ‘my stomach was pumped’, ‘I died for a moment and they had to bring me back to life’) ; And then they claim they were released from the hospital only after a day or a few hours. If this person is released from the hospital only a few days after such a heavy claim, its almost guaranteed they’re lying. If a suicide attempt was as serious as these claims, you are kept inside the hospital for a lot longer than just a few hours or a day, without access to the internet or a phone. (Especially in US states, I can’t say the same for places like the UK). 

_________________________________________

These five are the biggest red flags that someone is sensationalizing a suicide attempt. Of course, there are so many other points, and different factors when someone tries to take their life, especially since no experience is the same... But these points are commonly found in cases where someone is fabricating a suicide for manipulation.

I also want to stress these points:

Manipulation, and seeking attention are two different things. Seeking attention is often done because someone needs help, and the person doesn’t know how to properly ask for the help they need. Manipulation is a form if emotional abuse, and is primarily done to force someone to feel a certain way with guilt or by demeaning them; or to try to gain attention from someone that has cut them out of their life, to force someone to stay, ect.

What happens in the hospital during treatment is not pleasant, by any means. Usually the hospital is a huge source of trauma after someone survives a suicide attempt. You’re usually put in isolation in a room by yourself, and housed with others who are having their own mental heath issues in rooms close by. Here’s an article that details one story out of many traumatic incidents that happen inside the ward where they keep individuals who cannot be trusted to be alone without hurting themselves, or others. (Warning, its graphic.) https://www.omicsonline.org/suicide-attempt-after-deliberate-self-poisoning-in-the-icu-2155-6148.1000284.php?aid=11686

If you suspect someone is fabricating a suicide, do not under any circumstances, accuse them of lying. 

Again, for the people in the back: 

IF YOU SUSPECT SOMEONE IS FABRICATING A SUICIDE, DO. NOT. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. ACCUSE THEM OF LYING.

I am not making this post as an excuse for you to call out someone on suspected fabrication. DO NOT DO THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. 

It makes you look like the villain, and you might push the person into actually trying a real attempt; or you will accidentally shame someone who really has tried to take their life. Act with compassion, patience, logic, and understanding, for them and yourself. If you want to offer them support, provide helpful links and encourage them to seek extra, professional help, and stay away from the topic of their supposed suicide as much as possible. Cutting off a person is entirely an option as well. When someone is showcasing toxic behavior, it is not your job to make them feel comfortable. If you need to, take the steps to distance yourself from them as much as you need. Again, I am no expert in this topic, but these are the things that have been told to me, and things I’ve seen that help a situation like this.

Edit: If you are unsure of what to do in a situation that involves someone in crisis, please seek professional help. Any incorrect actions you take can push someone to take their life. Be careful, be cautious. Again, do not accuse anyone of lying about self harm.  

_________________________________________

I’m  sorry if this post was triggering in any way... And I’m sorry if it was a difficult and uncomfortable read. I couldn’t just sit by any longer without saying something on the matter, especially since I see similar situations happen so often in RP communities. I really hope that I was able to provide some insight on the topic, so others who haven’t experienced this can tell when they’re being manipulated. 

Edit: I want to make it clear that I do not want my post to be taken as ‘gospel’, or my words as the only things that happen after a suicide attempt. This post is only supposed to remind people to be mindful and aware if they feel they are being manipulated, not taken as fact, or ‘if this person is doing these things, they are for sure faking it’. There are so many nuances and different situations when it comes to this topic, and if I were to try to address all of them, this post will be as long as a novel or two.

Please, stay safe friends. And use your better judgement. If your gut is telling you something isn’t right, its usually correct. 

#tw #tw suicude #tw self harm #discourse #psa #again im sorry if this triggers anyone #ive just been very troubled #i had to say something

[happyhealthycats]

Not an excuse

Okay, so literally everything I’ve been saying, to me, has sounded like excuses. So I’m sorry if this comes off as either whiny or over-explaining, because I’m trying really hard to reiterate the fact that I’m not trying to make excuses for myself. It’s the old villain explanation of “it explains it, but doesn’t excuse it” (or the more modern Brooklyn 99 “Cool motive, still murder”). I’m explaining my fuck up.

Under the cut is some discussion about my mental health (which may involve certain eating triggers. I have tagged this as “anxiety”, “autism”, and “aspergers” because I’m afraid any further tagging may draw unwanted attention, so please, if you have a tag request, do not hesitate to let me know and I will add it). There’s also some discussion of cannabis, so if that makes you uncomfortable, again, let me know how I can tag this better so it’s okay.

First of all - I really want to thank everyone for reaching out - both positively and negatively. I will get to the messages. Eventually. When I’m okay. I’m going to explain that part now.

The easiest thing to relate to (I feel) is my anxiety. Yes. A lot of people have much worse anxiety than I do and function much better with it. But a side-step is also explaining my medication. 

I have tried REALLY hard over the past few years to put up a professional filter to keep my personal opinions separate from this blog. Over the past few months, that’s been harder to do. I’ve recently changed my medication I was on about 27 pills per day prior to the switch, and I was still unable to leave the house. I was on...just everything. Something to help me eat, something to help me with nausea IF I ate, something to help me with the cramping caused by the nausea which was caused by eating, a daily anxiety medication, an as-needed anxiety medication, something to help me sleep...

You get the idea.

So when it became available in my state for anxiety, I signed up for my state’s medical marijuana program. It’s been amazing. I’m not trying to sell anyone on it. My traditional medication had not been working after years of attempts. I’d been on meds since I was 6, and for the first time in my life, I felt relief. I have one very clear side effect. I sort of...don’t have that filter that the anxiety caused me to build. It leads me to say dumb shit. Which, again, sounds like an excuse. I’m absolutely not trying to win people over into medical pot. It works for me, that’s all I can say. (Please see doctors and therapists to help with your own anxiety issues to find your own solution. If that also happens to be medical marijuana, that’s great! If it’s another prescribed medication, that is equally as great!)

Now, during my feline nutrition course, the class went on and on about raw food diets and how great they were, and how vets just didn’t want us finding out the secret to true pet care and that’s why they didn’t support it - (ding dong, this is wrong). I was proud that I didn’t fall for it. That I trusted vets more than these other folks. They weren’t selling anything, and the information was honestly good, and the professor doubled back a lot and encouraged vet involvement with any BARF diet. But our text book also had some information about vegan cat diets (I’ll give you a brief run down of when that can work - never). So obviously I was INCREDIBLY wary of a lot of stuff. I thought I had gotten some good information about pet nutrition, though. I learned how to read a label in depth. I thought I knew how to calculate the proper calories for a cat as per their general body score and activity level. I learned how to calculate the amount of actual protein in a food. I learned how many calories a nursing queen needed.

WELL that’s where the whole “I used to have a very carefully formed filter until I said FUCK IT” came in. I honestly billed myself knowing a lot more than I did. I came off as cocky to someone who was legitimately trying to help, and in the meantime, got some professionals involved and put out a lot of shitty information. The information that was given to me was skewed with a semi anti-vet rhetoric behind it. And while I was so happy I didn’t fall for the raw diet craze of the class, I still slipped into the general fallacy that somehow, vets don’t have the best lives for our pets in mind.

In addition to that anxiety, I also have ASD (I’m not sure if I’m phrasing that correctly. When I was diagnosed, it was “Asperger’s”, so it’s been a while). Either way, my communication is sometimes not the best. When I get stressed out, I get upset, and I have a really difficult time properly conveying what I want to say. While it’s easier when I type, it’s still REALLY hard for me sometimes. A lot of times I will go back and try to fix what I type, but because it’s Tumblr, there will always be some version of my screw up out there and available for anyone to see (unless, idk, someone puts a female presenting nipple on it). 

I am not, by any means, trying to garner sympathy after this situation. I was absolutely wrong and I take the full weight of that responsibility. I’m just trying very hard to deal with it in a way that isn’t completely unhealthy. My original lashing out and being upset was a knee-jerk. I came off as whiny, and frankly immature. Again, I’m sorry for all that. 

My schooling doesn’t even begin to cover the amount of work DVMs do. Like not even scratching the surface. I learned VERY specifically, about cat domestication, cats and human interaction throughout history, most importantly, cat development and cat behavior, along with cat training. I have never, and will never claim to know as much as a vet. My knowledge is INCREDIBLY pinpointed. At cats. Specifically Felis catus. (So no, I don’t know why tigers do the thing). 

I am going to strive to promote healthier pet guardian/vet relationships. They’re absolutely essential. I’m afraid any of my nay saying will discourage people from seeking veterinary help, and that is absolutely the last thing I wanted to do. I was going to write a whole thing about what I meant in that dietary post, but honestly I think it goes against the very spirit of the apology to turn around with “Well what I meant to say was ______’, because I don’t want to lessen the meaning of what I’m saying. I will say a lot of stuff did NOT come out the way I meant it to, which again, is entirely my fault. 

My job begins after the vet visit. Every week in class, we had a sample behavior issue that we had to give step by step instructions on how we could possibly help our imaginary cat and human function together. Every single week, my answer started off with “After the guardian works out all other possibilities with a vet...” - I seem to have forgotten that very strict viewpoint that I held onto. Your vets are busy saving your pet’s lives. I’m busy helping you try to save your couch.

I guess I just really needed to type this out. For myself mostly. I appreciate everyone reaching out, both positively and negatively. Honestly I doubt I’ll delete the blog. I just need to focus on not answering questions for a little bit.

I’m sorry if I came off as defeatist. It’s a really crappy defense mechanism I’ve picked up and I’m trying to be better about it. Just clearly not to the point where I can do it when it matters (whoops). And again, I’m not trying to pull a blame game on my medication or mental health. I’m not. At all. My actions are my own. They are flawed and I’m trying to be better. But my course to being better is a little unique and I have some stumbling blocks.

I love you all and give your cats their desired form of affection from me.

#update #anxiety #apology #cannabis #aspergers #autism

[advb16]

Would someone please pack some snacks, take me out to the woods, and shoot me? That way I can at least be useful as food.

Hit some serious milestones(?) recently. And I do mean I just drove head-on into some rocks.

Professional

Just hit my 5 year anniversary of passing the bar. That was a real kick in the face because I just started at a new firm, in a new city, in a new practice area, and I feel just as lost and stupid as I did my first day of practice. Except now, I’m too exhausted to give a fuck and learn all this new law. 

This is all compounded by learning a new file management system that is THE STUPIDEST THING. I’m not allowed to make any new sub-folders, and there is no consistent naming convention. So got a big case? Need to find that one, crucial piece of discovery? Let’s hope you are a Bolean search MASTER. Oh wait, that still won’t work because the search function is garbage.

Anyway. Interestingly, this is a vast improvement from my old job (small-medium firm, small town, family law). What this has made me realize, more so than ever, that I should not have gone to law school, and I would never do it again. With that said, there’s nothing else I’m good enough at doing to make this kind of money. It’s bloody depressing.

Personal

Tl;dr - boyfriend moved at the speed of light for the first three months. I finally bought in, and decided to really go for it with him, and now he’s backing off.

So. 16 weeks ago we went on our first date. We had a pretty intense, instant connection. Talked about the serious stuff, kids, money, careers, life goals, relationship talk, etc. It was a lot. By the second date he said he had stopped talking to other people on dating apps, and wasn’t seeing anyone else. I was in no way ready to be exclusive, but he kept coming for me. Took me a little over a month to agree to be exclusive. Four weeks later he drops the “I love you.” 

Once again, I am stuck being the asshole that has to be all that’s awesome, but I’m not there yet, and I’m not going to lie to you. Which... that fucking sucks. We ended up having a couple freakin’ awesome weekends together, including his birthday weekend (day with his friends, they’re great, then a super chill day with just us, some road tripping, gd magical) and I decided, fuck it. And I say it back. I know I know, “fuck it” doesn’t sound like the right way to go about it, but hear me out.

I was thinking, I have all these feels; maybe it’s love? I haven’t been in a reciprocal, loving relationship in a very long time. He’s doing all the things I want from a partner: communicating, texting me all the time, saying good morning, saying goodnight, very affectionate, great sex (not enough of it, but I guess that’s just being a woman in her 30s dating a man also in his 30s), open about his goals for the relationship and for his life, and open about his struggles. He is seeking a long-term, serious relationship, he has done the emotional growth, or at least started the process, he’s identified those areas where he needs work and is actively tackling those things, he likes his job and has career goals, and he has his finances sorted (he’s not looking for someone to support him). All the things I want, but these alarm bells just keep going off in my head. And keep going off. And keep going off. 

Now, I have to give him so much credit because he engages in the hard conversations. Not only engages when I bring stuff up, but also starts them. And I know I’m exhausted with the new job, and when I’m tired, I am... not great. Now, I won’t bore you with the details, but we end up having some very, very, very heavy conversations, and we discovery that we both feel like we’re failing the other person and ourselves. We both feel like we’re walking on eggshells, like we can’t get anything right, and that we can’t really be ourselves with the other person (fucking sucks, right?!). This is followed by the revelation that by maintaining my deep desire to not be a “burden” I had made him feel unwanted. And when he feels unwanted, he doesn’t see a point in being around (fair). 

So now we’ve had this groundbreaking discovery: he thinks it’s great that I have needs because then he has a job. Look at that! We’re both getting our needs met! It should also be noted, that I perceive the giving of affection as being needy (I’m a very fucked up person; we’ll leave it at that) which meant his need(s) for affection and attention weren’t being met. So in my efforts to make sure I wasn’t burdening him with all my neediness, I was also denying him the expression of the love I allegedly felt for him. Seems silly now, but it was a seriously eye opening moment for me.

Super exciting, right?! We’re on the same page, everything is awesome, we’re now moving forward together, and we’re totally committed to each other and our relationship.

Sidenote: I feel like now is a good time to mention that he has already brought up marriage, on multiple occasions. First time, was one week after our first date when he sent me a meme about being wife material, then in the text said “replace wife with with GF.” Also, he was married previously; divorced about four years ago. In that same conversation with the wife meme, he invited me to join him four months later at a four-day music festival two states away, during which time I would meet his brother, his sister-in-law and his nieces........

Anyway, we’re stupid happy, and I, like the fool of a Took I am, took him at his word that he was all in, this serious, committed relationship is what he wanted etc and I invited him to an old friend’s wedding that’s in about six weeks. His response? “Oh wow. That’s a lot. That’s huge.” To which I responded, I’m sorry. It’s what now? What did I fucking miss?! Then him, “I’m just kind of freaking out.”

what.the.actual.fuck.

So now all my alarm bells are going off again because why the fuck wouldn’t they?! This motherfucker ran immaculate game to get to a place where he is comfortable, and secure, and doesn’t need to move things forward. In fact, he’s doing exactly what I predicted, and told him I was terrified would happen: I hold out, then as soon as I finally open up and commit, you run away. And look! I was right! Exactly as predicted, right on time.

I made the mistake of rereading the first few weeks of our texts. I know people say things, exaggerate, whatever, at the beginning to look good. They do things that aren’t necessarily sustainable, that will fade over time, and reasonably so! But I feel like I’ve had partners at 3 years deep making more of an effort to engage with me and really check-in with me than he is at 3 months deep. For example, we chatted on the phone earlier for a bit, and the entire conversation was him talking about himself. His only reference to me or my well being was a statement along the lines of, “you must just be working.” I don’t need him to drag things out of me, but I use questions to gauge interest. If someone isn’t asking any questions, it’s a pretty good indicator that they aren’t interested in me much less my well-being or the banalities of my day. So if he’s not making an effort to see me (he’s not a planner, but still), he’s not curious about me, and the prospect of a low-key wedding terrifies him, how much do I really mean to him? Is this relationship what he actually wants, or is it what he’s telling himself he’s supposed to want at this stage of life?

Part of me thinks this could be the love of a lifetime, and I definitely want it to be that. Then that part is challenged by the fact that maybe I’m blinded by the blissful moments because if this chucklefuck is getting cold feet at the idea of going to a friend’s wedding around the 6-month mark of dating (he won’t even be meeting my family) after he’s spent the last three months blowing past relationship milestones at 160 mph, then what the actual fuck?

Mental

This circles back to the end of my professional update. 

I have been so fucking depressed. For almost a year now. Got out of a less than healthy relationship, which made things worse for a while because it highlighted some stuff. Got a new job, which is a lot better, but being a lawyer certainly doesn’t help anything. Got a new relationship after dating a lot. And I do mean, a lot.... fuck.... so many first dates. And it’s a good relationship! I mean, when it’s good it is practically perfect, but it has been so much work. I get that anything good requires effort and work, but shit. This has been so heavy from the start.

And it just.... like... why? What am I even doing here? Using clean water and making a giant ass carbon footprint? Just consuming things? I’m not helping. I’m not making the world better. I’m just... here.... and I don’t want to be here. I haven’t wanted to be here for a very long time. My suicidal ideation keeps getting worse. I’ve brought it up to my therapist, but he isn’t super concerned. To be fair to him, I haven’t been completely honest about the severity.... I know! I know... But I can’t stand the thought of disappointing him. We’ve made such incredible progress, and how annoying must I be to come back like, yeah, I beat my night terrors, I beat the cancer, I got the job, got the boy, and I have more than enough of everything, but let me just be a whiny bitch about the meaning of life real quick.

The last couple days have been extra difficult because my platonic life partner, and for the last three years roommate, just moved out. A few months ago I had a full plan. Everything laid out, ready to go, even got halfway through, then stopped because I knew she’d be the one to find me, and I couldn’t do that to her.

Nothing looks the way I thought it would at 32. I’m glad it doesn’t look like what I thought it would at 20, but shit. Even at 30 looking towards 32, it didn’t look like this. It wasn’t this bleak. It didn’t feel this pointless.

I have no idea why I’m putting this on the internet. I think tumblr is the most appropriate place for this kind of into the void scream/crying, so here you go. It also helps to know that no one will read this.

#personal #wtf is going on #i should be happy

[64-bitsims]

it being a social experiment would make it really fucking suck for the people that self harmed and attempted suicide over things said there

My dude, I’m not an expert on that blog and don’t know who/what event you’re referring to, because all of the people I’ve seen that say they’ve self-harmed or attempted suicide due to stuff said on there have been the already problematic people who were just trying to deflect it.

If people are actively trying to self-harm because people are saying their sims are ugly, all look the same and/or aren’t diverse, then I hope they’re seeking out treatment since that’s a very serious condition and if it can be triggered by that then it needs to be looked into. (and I’m not saying that in a mean way– I mean if that little triggers you, please look into some help because there’s something there that needs to be addressed. I used to self-harm and still get urges so I’m not talking shit AT ALL, I just know whenever something that little made me want to do it, it was when my headspace was REALLY BAD in general.) It’s like hate from any anon on your blog– if it’s triggering you that extremely to hear that stuff, then take steps to a) avoid it by blocking tags/blogs/turning off anons and/or b) figure out what part of you the intense feelings are coming from and take steps to work towards ridding yourself of them with professional help.

Again, I’ve only been active since late November, but everything I’ve seen has been people rightfully getting called out for problematic behavior, people complaining and sc saying “so what?/why does this matter to me?/chill”, people saying that someones sims look the same or that hair seems copied (which is usually responded to by saying they use the same base because mm only has so much to work with), and when they get something wrong they always correct themselves in reblogs or make a post and delete anything that was actively causing discourse in response to the topic. Unless asked, they really don’t even comment their opinion on a lot of the stuff posted there.

So again, I’m not sure who or what event you’re referring to, since all I’ve really seen is things like ugly sims or not having diversity, or people actually being problematic and being called out for it. And again, none of this was meant in a mean fashion. It would definitely suck if people have actually done that stuff over things said there, but also if you’re in that bad of mental health, you should seek out treatment and avoid the triggers you know affect you. I’ve struggled with mental health and thoughts of suicide/self harm, and have been hospitalized multiple times due to it. When things get bad you have to do what’s right for you, whether that means staying off tumblr for a while or forever, whether that means taking a break from the sims, whether that means actively seeking out different or more intense treatment– you just have to do what’s right for you, and you can’t really blame a blog for affecting that, especially when they were not the ones writing the anons.

#nonsims #tw self harm #tw self mutilation #tw sh #tw suicide #tw suicide mention

[sharedheadspace]

a copy/paste of [this] twitter thread on the fawning response to abuse, found through [this] tumblr post encouraging clicking through to read the whole thing

because when i come back to this i know im not going to be in the brainspace to bother clicking through, and nobody wants to fucking read eight thousand twitter screenshots. ever

[bolding added by me, in pieces i know im going to want to look at]

I want to share what has been, in the last year or so, one of the most important things I've realized about my own trauma history — something that has been massively important for my own healing.

Let's talk about the link between people-pleasers and emotional abuse.

Confession: I am a people-pleaser. It took me a long time to realize this, though. Because I'm opinionated! And I speak my mind! I'm an "open book" about a lot of what I've been through. Clearly I don't care what people think... right?

But people-pleasing is a lot more complex than that. It's actually part of a trauma response. Most people know about fight, flight, and freeze — but another response, "fawn," is at the core of what people-pleasing is actually about.

To avoid conflict, negative emotions, and retraumatization, people who "fawn" when triggered will go out of their way to mirror someone's opinions and appease them in order to deescalate situations (or potential issues).

For me, this meant that the more invested I was in an emotional connection, the less likely I was to criticize that person, vocalize when my boundaries were crossed, express unhappiness with their behavior, or share anything that I felt might damage that relationship.

This could come across as being excessively nice and complimentary, overly-concerned with another person's happiness, and waiting for cues in conversation to determine if something was "safe" to share or disclose. People-pleasers are often considered "emotional chameleons."

People-pleasers are often really warm, encouraging, and generous people. They tend to overextend themselves and say "yes" to everything and everyone, eager to make those they care about happy and comfortable.

They often grow up in very controlling and chaotic environments, and internalized the idea that if they were perfectly good or well-behaved, they could minimize conflict and secure love and attachment. 

And. When you have this tendency to defer, make yourself subordinate, try to become smaller, ignore your boundaries and intuition, and minimize your own needs... you are profoundly vulnerable to emotional abuse.

When you are excessively concerned with pleasing others, you learn that in order to be effective at this, you have to shut down your gut instincts, your values, your emotions — bc being an individual, rather than a mirror, doesn't serve you in securing the love that you want.

People-pleasers can become drawn to abusive relationships, and repelled from relationships that are abundantly loving — because love has to feel "earned" in order to feel secure. In other words? If love is given too freely or easily, it doesn't feel safe.

This means people-pleasers can be drawn to relationships that are controlling (they feel safest when they defer to others), emotionally-withholding (they are driven by the need to "secure" affection/elated when they do), and even abusive (their lack of boundaries is exploited).

Another part of being vulnerable to abuse is that people-pleasers are so easily gaslit, because when they are inclined to suppress their own instincts, values, and beliefs, they're infinitely more likely to defer to an abuser's version of events or narrative.

This also means that "fawn" types often go through cycles of restricting emotionally (I can't be "too much" for others) & then purging emotionally ("unloading" onto a trusted person bc the expectation to be perfect gets to be too much).

(I think this is why so many of us have eating disorders — just an anecdotal observation, but I digress...)

People-pleasers (the "fawn" trauma response) isn't intended to manipulate others and it's not meant to be dishonest. Every single person presents a version of themselves to others. This merely describes how trauma informs that presentation on an often unconscious level.

The "fawn" response is driven by fear, not a hidden agenda. The "fawn" type is less about manipulation, because it's not being used to *overpower* someone. Instead, it's an excessive *relinquishing* of personal power, driven by fear and a desire for validation.

For example, someone who runs personal errands for their boss — despite it not being part of their job description — is not manipulating their boss into liking them. (It won't work anyway.) Their boss, testing those thin boundaries, is exploiting their need for approval.

In more intimate relationships, this can show up as "fawn" types gravitating towards hot/cold dynamics, where affection and love are offered unpredictably.

This is where the emotional abuse piece comes into play. You have someone who is controlling, who feels safest in relationships where they call the shots, and most loved when someone is actively seeking out their approval. Enter: The "fawn" type.

An abuser will offer validation only to keep the fawn type tethered. But they'll withdraw that it before things feel secure, to ensure that the pleaser will continue going out of their way to "fawn" — continually giving over their power and autonomy so the abuse can continue.

I'm sharing this because, holy shit, my friends, the number of traumatic relationships I've thrown myself into — professionally, personally, romantically — to get stuck in this cycle, with my self-esteem pulverized, has made my heart so heavy.

It took stepping away from a friendship that had so thoroughly gaslit and demolished me — while plummeting into the deep depths of anorexia — before I realized that chasing controlling, emotionally unavailable, even abusive people was crushing my spirit.

I'm not going to leave you hanging, though. If you're reading this and say, "Holy shit... it me. Oh god. What do I do?" I'm here. I've got some advice, some books, some resources. Hang tight. For starters, I'm going to ask you something: Which of your friends do you cancel on?

Personal experience: I had this tendency to bail on friends, partners, acquaintances, whoever, that were the most generous, warm, and emotionally-available. I avoided those relationships where love was free and easy. Because it didn't feel "earned," so I didn't feel "worthy."

Which isn't to say that everyone with this trauma response does this, BUT, we seek out the familiar. Which means many of us tend to avoid what feels unsafe. For people-pleasers, we're so used to working endlessly hard in relationships — it's disorienting when we aren't asked to.

I made a google doc (no, I seriously did) where I listed out people who were "way too nice to me." And then I asked myself, do I like this person? Do I enjoy their company? If I did, I sent them a text message and told them I wanted to commit to spending more time with them.

I was completely honest about my process with those folks, too. I said, "Listen, I get really scared when people are nice to me. You've always been SO nice to me, and I get afraid of disappointing you. But I want to change that, because I just enjoy your company so very much."

In my phone contacts, I put emojis by their names. I put strawberries next to people who were super loving. I put seedling emojis by folks who taught me things that made me think/grow. So when I saw a text from them, it reminded me that I should prioritize that message. [seedling emoji] [strawberry emoji]

And? My life completely changed... in every imaginable way.

My "strawberry emoji people" went from being acquaintances/friendly to becoming chosen family that I literally could not imagine my life without. With the help of some amazing therapy, I grew to love myself so much — because that love was being modeled for me in a healthy way.

I'm going into a partial hospitalization program for my anorexia in the next couple weeks (because I've taken it out on my body as much as I have my mind), and my strawberry people (who are now all in a group text together) have been there every step of the way.

Resources! I genuinely believe that every single person should be reading Pete Walker's book about complex trauma. "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma." It's really damn good. It talks about fawn types in more detail!

Most of all though, I just want to validate the hell out of you. [heart emoji] I understand the very hellish cycle that we find ourselves in when we're consumed by this idea that we need to be "exactly enough," and that, if we measure it out correctly, we'll never hurt or be hurt again.

But relationships involve putting ourselves in harm's way sometimes. What they shouldn't involve, though, is self-harm — and ultimately, that's what "fawning" does. We're harming ourselves. We're making ourselves smaller, we're self-silencing, and we're punishing ourselves.

You are allowed to have ALL the feelings. You are allowed to take up ALL the space. You're allowed to be everything that you are & then some. The right people — your people — will love you even more when they see how expansive your life becomes when you give yourself that space.

It doesn't happen overnight. It's a process! But I want you to know that it's a process you can begin at any time. It's never too late to give yourself permission to be, to show up more authentically, and to find those who will celebrate you for it. I promise you that.

#long post #abuse cw #kite talks #its something i still find myself doing. especially when im already anxious or spiraling through flashbacks #because ''unearned'' kindness or affection isnt just unfamiliar- its painful #and as easily as i can hurt myself there is Always the push to avoid being hurt by others #a lot of the time i end up just giving up trying to stop it #when i stop fighting affection its not that ive started accepting it instead. more likely that im detaching and zoning out until it ends #that whole ''if i just let it happen maybe itll be over sooner'' thing #right now i dont know what to do about that #how to make it stop hurting

[stopforamoment]

Part Fifteen: Wait for You (Series Eleven, Part 15 of 16)

Series Eleven: It’s uh Movin’ Thing, but Still and All (Sixteen Parts)

Part Fifteen: Wait for You (Series Eleven, Part 15 of 16)

Masterlist

Book: The Royal Romance (After Book Three)

Pairing: Bastien Lykel x OFC Rinda Parks

Word Count: 1,287

Rating: M for Language

Author’s Note: Obligatory disclaimer that Pixelberry Studios owns the TRR characters and my pocketbook with those darn diamond scenes. OFC with all of her quirks is all mine. My apologies if Tumblr or I do something stupid when I try to post this. The keep reading link shows up on my laptop but not my phone. Ugh.

Thank you @asherella-is-a-dork-3​ for always being my sounding board! Thank you @liam-rhys​ and @silviasutton1989 for still being a part of the journey!

Please take time to listen to the song at the end. It makes me happy, and I kept listening to it as I wrote the end of this series.

Triggers: There are going to be some dark themes in this series that deal with the consequences of what happens when parents don’t put their children first. I promise I won’t get graphic, and I’ll tag each section accordingly. This will tie in with future events and another aspect of Bastien and Rinda’s personalities—as individuals and as a couple.

Series Summary: It’s the week of October 14th, the sixth week of the school year. Henry and Rinda are staying in Cordonia, which means that Rinda can now begin to move forward, and backwards, with professional and personal aspects of her life.

One inspiration while I wrote this was a quotation from Zora Neale Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God:

“Love is lak de sea. It’s uh movin’ thing, but still and all, it takes its shape from de shore it meets, and it’s different with every shore.”

The other was these lyrics from the song “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Misérables:

“But the tigers come at night / With their voices soft as thunder / As they tear your hope apart / As they turn your dream to shame.”

Chapter Summary: This jumps back to Friday night after the appreciation dinner. Bastien desperately needs to see Rinda and make sure she knows how much she means to him.

Wait for You

Friday Night after the Appreciation Dinner

When Bastien first met Rinda he could instantly describe her physical features. He could do that with anyone because of his training. But he quickly learned that she was a contradiction of sorts, using her inappropriate sense of humor to diffuse intense situations, appearing insensitive when really she cared too much. Her passion for work, yet she always made sure Henry knew he was her priority. She seemed so professional and confident, yet she had moments of intense insecurity and self-doubt. She could be so shy and so reserved, yet she swore like a sailor and had a wicked sense of humor. She was a loving mother to Henry—and the entire neighborhood of children—yet she had the most chaotic household and laid-back parenting approach when it came to many things. He was still shocked that Rinda was okay with Henry using occasional curse words at home, or watching Rick and Morty, or not making his bed every morning. But if Henry ever spoke rudely to another person or purposely used a word to hurt someone, he immediately felt her wrath. Henry knew to be kind to other people and do his part to protect them, and Rinda always helped Henry talk through ways he could make a difference in his own way.

. . . . .

After Bastien dropped off Drake he drove to Rinda’s house. It was late, and he didn’t even take the time to message that he was coming over. He was still processing, unsure of what to say to her. But he desperately needed to see her.

When he got out of his car, Bastien heard the boys playing in the backyard. The entire neighborhood was in the backyard. Like always. Rinda’s house was the unofficial gathering place for everyone, and right now there were a lot of happy children running around, some playing tag and others playing football. Rinda was sitting in a chair and had a baby monitor next to her—the Manikas boys must be asleep inside—and she was in her banana pajamas, hair down, laughing with Mr. Ariti. But she knew when he was there and she quickly turned around, happy to see him but also ready to tease him. “Bastien, she wasn’t able to retie your tie?” Bastien came over and dropped to his knees. “Tria. I need to talk to you. Please.”

Mr. Ariti quickly spoke. “I’ll stay out here with the kids.” Bastien nodded and stood up. He took Rinda’s hand as he walked inside with her.

Rinda was worried. “Bastien, what’s wrong? Please.”

“We promised we wouldn’t talk about things until the visit was over. And now it is, and I needed to see you right away. Tria, earlier this week Drake yelled at me when we talked about having Vivian on the guest list. Originally he told me to take Vivian off the list, and I didn’t know anything that was going on with her children, and I told him he was overacting. I’m so sorry. And he did tell me something, but he said it to help me realize how badly I fucked up. He told me that when you two first met, you told him that you wished time would stop so you would have time to catch up. Tria, do you still feel that way?”

Rinda shrugged. “No matter how patient you are and how often you reassure me, there’s always going to be someone like Vivian who is more than ready.”

“Tria, you’re the opposite of Vivian in every way.” He saw Rinda tense and he very quickly wrapped his arms around her and kept speaking. “That is one of the highest compliments I could give you. You’re an amazing mother and even though you always put Henry first, you still know how to balance being an incredible teacher and neighbor and friend . . . and Tria. You’re so damn funny and you drive me crazy, and I can’t imagine my life without you. Don’t ever compare yourself to her or anyone else, because you’re my Tria and I love you just the way you are.”

Bastien could feel Rinda’s body start to shake. “I did always wish time would just stop so I could catch up with everyone. Or that there would be someone who would wait for me to get my shit together and who would wait for me to catch up. And you’re doing that, Tiger. But I’m still not there. I’m still not caught up and I still need you to please wait for me, and maybe for Henry too. He loves you, but I don’t know how he would react if . . .” She suddenly stopped, not sure of how she should finish the sentence.

Bastien stared into her hazel eyes. Not dark eyes. Blonde curly hair that was untamable. Not straight, dark hair that was perfect. Someone who needed to step on her tiptoes to hug him, someone he had to lift off the ground or bend down to reach. Not someone who was only a few inches shorter than him and could easily wrap her arms around him. Someone who was clueless about football and needed forever to order a simple meal at a restaurant. Not someone who knew his favorite teams and would watch games with him, who could quickly and competently order a basic meal. Someone who was so generous with her affection, but only when she was ready. Someone who needed the person she was with to earn her trust and love. Someone who hasn’t kissed him on the lips yet, not someone who kissed him on the lips as a casual greeting, as if it meant nothing. Someone who shyly revealed that she wasn’t ready for an intimate relationship yet. Not someone who made it clear she would have sex with him now. Because really, it meant nothing to Vivian. Not everything, like it did for Rinda.

But now Bastien came back to Rinda, who was patiently waiting for him to respond. “You aren’t taking too long. I promise, you’re not.” Bastien gently cupped her face in his hands and looked into her eyes. “Tria, do you want me to keep waiting for you to catch up? Will you let me wait for you, sweetheart? And wait for Henry?”

Rinda looked at Bastien with so much hope in her eyes. They were green eyes that held the promise of new beginnings.

Her voice was a soft whisper. “Yes.”

Then she reached up to gently kiss his forehead. She slowly kissed down his nose, playfully nuzzling the tip of her nose with his. Her left hand cupped his face and he laced his fingers between hers, no ring grazing his skin. Rinda left a trail of kisses down the other side of his face, tracing along his cheekbone, once again nuzzling him with her nose, this time near his mouth.

Then she stopped, her left hand still laced with his, her right hand slowly caressing his face as it moved to his neck, then shoulder. Her lips close to his, she was letting him know that she wanted this, but he was going to be the one to kiss her.

And he did.

Slowly, lovingly. His thumb caressed her cheek as his tongue gently traced her lower lip, seeking permission to deepen their kiss. As Rinda’s fingers ran through his hair and cupped his face again, she gently sucked on his tongue to bring him closer. Bastien heard himself moan as he melted into her kiss, becoming part of that moment where it was only the two of them. Nothing else. And when she gently pulled back from the kiss, she leaned back in so Bastien could rest his forehead against hers.

“I love you, Tria.”

“I love you too, Tiger.”

. . . . .

A/N Take a few minutes to listen to The Crystals “Then He Kissed Me.” 😊

#bastien lykel #choices trr #rinda parks ofc #long post

[mental-health-advice]

(1) Hello, I've recently come to a realization that a certain 'friend' in my life has been draining me mentally and brings me no pure joy and comfort. I've been thinking of her actions towards me for the past two years and I do realize that she has used me to her own satisfaction discreetly, I feel used. As if I were a henchmen to her, she always tells me about her day and her life problems; I am expected to be there and fall at her feet and hear her out and give her advice. (continued)

(2)But, if I even tell her something personal she brushes it off and continues to make it all self centered around her. Not only that but she once had another friend, lets call them apple, who hurt me badly mentally and I cried a lot due to said person. She told me she had broken off that friendship with apple, and recently i've been trying to distance myself from this "friend". I just found out through social media that this "friend" is now hanging out with apple. (continued)

(3) I feel even more used. The second I take my full attention away from this "friend", she runs back to apple. She even told me many time how she never liked apple but yet, now they are best buddies once more. I guess what i'm getting at is advice as to how I cut this friend from my life. I'm tired of putting this person before myself and being mentally exhausted, but I cant seem to get away. We have school classes together and she sits where I sit every school morning. I really need help.. 

Hi friend,

Thank you for getting in touch with us here at MHA! I’m really sorry to hear that this has been happening, you definitely deserve to be surrounded by people that treat you much better than this! I’m so glad that you are taking action to put yourself first as that is always the most important thing! I hope I’ll be able to give you some advice as I do understand how hard it can be to walk away from someone who was so important in your life, so lets try to consider your options in dealing with this.

Your first option is to sit down with them and discuss how you are feeling and the things you want to change. If saying it out loud is too hard, you could maybe try writing it all down in a letter and sitting with them whilst they read it? I realise you may have tried to talk to them about this before, but if you make it clear that this is serious and you need them to listen to you, hopefully they will pay more attention. If they are unwilling to listen to you and make an effort to change their behaviour then although it may be hard, I think cutting ties with them, both in person and online would be a good step forward here - they have no right to have such a hold over you, and breaking this hold will hopefully allow you to move onward and upwards! If this is something you choose to do then try and remove ways that you could contact them or even check on them, so block on social media and maybe delete their number if you haven’t already;  if you don’t take the time away from them and things you associate with them, like social media, then it will be much harder for you to push aside the thoughts of them.

I’m just wondering if trying to meet new people is something that you could be interested in? Something I would suggest is to look online, like on Tumblr, for a community of people which share a passion with you – for example, I have made a lot of lovely friends through mental health and recovery blogs on Tumblr. I am positive that you would be able to find at least one person with whom you share a common interest, no matter how niche that may be, and then you can chat with them about that? I also like to suggest considering joining any local groups or volunteer programmes that may be located near you – these are great as they mean you get out of the house and socialise with other people, whilst having a goal to work towards! Try not to let your negative experiences with friends in the past affect how you approach the possibility of new friendships – if you go in with an open mind and open heart, you are most likely going to be greeted in the same manner. Joining clubs or societies would also be a great way for you to make new friends that you can spend time with and give you somewhere to go away from your ‘friend’.

I also think it might be good for you, if you feel able, to discuss this with a close friend or family member. Sometimes the people who are toxic in our lives can make us feel like it is us that is doing something wrong, so having the support and comfort of someone is really important. If you don’t feel comfortable telling them everything that they have done to you, then that is completely okay! Just having a shoulder to cry on, or someone to spend time with so you’re not alone is key.

Please remember that if you feel like this is having a negative impact on your mental health, then it is totally okay for you to go and seek some professional guidance - that could be your doctor or a school counsellor. They will not only be able to help you understand your feelings and why you are having them, but also give you some more coping mechanisms for dealing with them. Here is our page about getting help just in case it is something you are considering.  

I really hope that this has been of some use to you, lovely. Again, I am so sorry that your friend has not treated you well but I promise that there are people who care about you and want what’s best for you; us here at MHA for one!. Please don’t hesitate to get back in touch if there is anything else that we can do to help you!

Take care,

Rhiann xo

#anonymous #mha #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #mental health blog #mharhiann #friendships #toxic friendships #talking to someone #moving on #cutting ties #making friends #getting help #relationships

[yallarewild]

20 reasons why i think self dx is dangerous (as a nd/mentally ill person who’s spent a decade researching psych)

this was made purely to highlight the dangers of self diagnosis and the importance of necessary medical treatment

important disclaimers:

self dx =/= self advocacy, i.e. researching symptoms that you think you might have and trying to compare them to your own behavior without actually dxing yourself, regardless whether you are going to seek medical help. i believe this is extremely important: it can provide you w/a sense of validation to know you’re not alone, and it can put you in touch with your feelings a little more once you realize there actually may be something going on with you. 

this post is not made for the intention of judging the character of people who self dx- there are many other posts out there about the ableism factors,  the trivialization of mental illness, or the way tumblr communities handle mental illness, etc.

tl;dr: .it’s not a fucking joke, please go get checked out by a professional medical practitioner, or don’t (but pls do), but whatever you do please don’t self dx

i often see the phrase “no one knows you better than yourself” as a justification for self dx and while you’re the only one who has access to your emotions and thoughts, no one is objective about their health, thoughts, and emotions. it’s impossible to truly dx yourself with any mental disorder because you subconsciously bring different types of cognitive biases into the process – this is why “medical intern syndrome” is such a prevalent phenomenon. you might know your emotions and thoughts, but this fails to address the fact that your perception of your feelings are grossly affected by your true mental illness (which says something ab your mental illness in and of itself).

not having access to mental health care doesn’t mean you should dx yourself with a mental illness, its not black or white. i often see teenagers saying they don’t want to get a prof dx because they don’t want their parents involved and i totally understand that, ableism is so terrible and i’ve experienced it for so long, trust me. luckily, there are ways to access mental health care at little to no cost, insurance or not, without getting your parents involved, but im not here to judge those who struggle w/resources to care.

untreated mental illness does not go away & a pro dx is crucial for access to treatment, disability benefits or other types of care or services. this could literally mean life or death. the prognoses for untreated mental illnesses are across the board terrible and may have devastating effects on your life: the longer they’re left untreated because you decided to not seek treatment, the more disabling they’re going to become. like one argument for self dx is that not everyone can access mental health care/resources…so instead they do something that literally prevents them from accessing resources….. uhhhhhh ??

you could put yourself in grave danger because symptoms of mental disorders may actually be life threatening symptoms of serious physical issues requiring medical care: thyroid issues, liver damage, vitamin deficiencies, blood/bone/brain infections, neurological disorders, many types of cancer, autoimmune disorders, brain tumors, epilepsy, diabetes, etc

you could put yourself in grave danger because you may be dealing with early symptoms of a more serious mental illness, such as schizophrenia, DID, etc. there are many early symptoms that mask other disorders. obv all mental illnesses are very serious but if you self dx with depression because you’re experiencing the “negative” symptoms of schizophrenia: lethargy, lack of affect, etc. you may not think a pro dx is necessary and early treatment is crucial for successful long term treatment of schizophrenia.

there is so much misinformation about what symptoms look & a psychiatrist is able to determine the degree and direction of the symptoms. there is a huge spectrum within each symptom and it honestly takes a trained medical professional to determine the severity. for ex: mood swings are common in both bipolar disorder & BPD but they look and feel totally different for each disorder. people justify this with: “well i fit the literal dsm diagnosis” except,,,, you probably dont. the dsm was NOT designed for people who are not medical professionals to interpret- there are nuances of specific symptoms that determine a dx

just because you experience several behaviors doesn’t necessarily mean you have a mental illness at all, diagnoses are based on the specific combination of symptoms. you may look at mood swings, anxiety and issues w/interpersonal relationships, and think you def have bpd; however it’s important to factor in that mood swings/anxiety are associated with hormones, eating patterns, stress, situational conditions etc but since you’re in the lens of looking for a diagnosis you might point to that and think it fits within that diagnostic criteria. im not saying you’re faking or don’t have a mental illness, im saying one or more of your symptoms may not be accounted for mental illness.

if you self dx and then don’t get treatment and/or medication you’re generally at a HIGH risk for self medication which may or may not include self-harm and substance abuse. since mental illnesses generally do not get better over time, so the longer you wait, the higher your chances of engaging in self destructive behaviors. there are some mental disorders that are literally inherent chemical imbalances that can really only be treated with medication, no matter how much self care you engage in.

i often see the argument that “psychiatrists just go down a checklist to diagnose you and that’s it!”, as well as, “My psychiatrist googled ‘x disorder quiz’ and printed the first one that came up!! i was in and out in five minutes!!!” as justifications for self dx: like either your psychiatrist needs to get their fucking license revoked or that’s just not true. the testing process generally takes an hour and involves diff types of observations of behavior as well as a very long list of questions- it’s not a fucking list printed from the internet from a random site.

additionally i see, “psychiatrists make mistakes too!!” right, true but the chances of a psychiatrist making a mistake vs the chances of you making a mistake are very slim in relation to each other due to the reasons listed here, i.e. decades of research on a phd level

just because some people go to the psychiatrist post-self dx and learn they were correct about their self dx doesnt mean that it applies to everyone and REGARDLESS it doesnt mean you shouldnt get professionally diagnosed anyway. these are a few experiences out of a million. it literally doesn’t mean that you are definitely right in yours.

quizzes taken on the internet aren’t fucking diagnosis (and neither is 6 months of research)??? like i don’t care if you’ve taken ten of them. if they’re designed with the proper controls they could def help SCREEN for mental illness symptoms, but even then it requires a lot of second party consulting, it’s something you’re literally not qualified for, for the reasons listed above.. if i took diff quizzes or tried to research my symptoms i could def try and self dx with so many diff disorders that aren’t even comorbid. they need to be interpreted by a medical professional and are usually designed to help guide ppl towards treatment

“all psychiatrists are neurotypical and dont understand my mental illness!” how do you know they’re neurotypical? they wouldn’t tell you even if they were??? also what does being neurotypical have to do with their ability to correctly do their job???? would you expect an oncologist to have gone through cancer in order to do their job?

the concept of self fulfilling prophesy is hard at work with self diagnosis; if you attach a label of depression to yourself it’s going to influence your behavior and self perception whether or not you’re aware of it. you might end up seriously damaging yourself because youre trying to fit the diagnosis. when i obsessively tell myself i feel very depressed, after awhile i actually prevent myself from feeling better because i keep telling myself i’m depressed, for example.

one phrase i see a lot: “well people self dx with a cold, why is this any different?” well, for one thing, the physical ramifications of a cold and a chronic mental illness ie a literal chemical imbalance in your brain are miles apart. they’re not even medically comparable in terms of immediate and long-term effects. additionally, it really highlights the fact that many people treat mental illness as a personalized experience whereas they treat their physical health w/objective opinions from medical professionals. this analogy is not only inaccurate but it’s dangerous as fuck.

people might not be aware symptoms they’re experiencing are abnormal because that’s their normal state based on their actual mental illnesses. for ex someone who suffers from an anxiety dx might just be used to adapting to it their whole life when they actually have a serious disorder and not even think about getting help for it. your baseline cannot be assessed objectively.

sometimes the self dx community is enabling in a bad way- the lack of treatment for disorders real or otherwise make them more susceptible to encouraging/justIfying unhealthy coping habits. its kind of like the blind leading the blind. like it’s just not a good idea.

just because it might take a couple diff psychiatrists to get an accurate diagnosis isnt a good justification for self dx. this can be due to a million different reasons- maybe you were diff ages when you saw each one, maybe you were exhibiting signs of something else at the time- i was originally diagnosed with depression before bipolar disorder because my mental health hadn’t stabilized so my mania wasn’t present.

using the excuse of “ask someone close to you what they think about you possibly having [x] dx” as a legitimate step towards self diagnosis is as bad as saying you don’t have a personal bias… like the answer from your friend/family member is based on so many factors: the nature of the relationship, how honest the person is, their emotional state at the time, their own ability to analyze the people around them, how aware of psychological symptoms they are, their bias towards mental illness, the way the symptom description is presented,   the setting the discussion took place, etc etc

last but not least, i see the phrase: “well mental illness didn’t suddenly appear as soon as i got a diagnosis!” obviously it was always there but you may have mislabeled it before your diagnosis if you self dx’d first, thats it. no one is pretending mental illnesses suddenly appear when a professional diagnosis is assigned

your best “research” on the internet is not equal to ten years of medical school, its just not, and it’s concerning to me that self diagnosis is such a prevalent trend on here. please seek treatment, even if it’s in the form of your high school or college counseling center; the links i’ve provided in number 3 may be helpful in locating mental health care, whether it’s a community mental health care center, or a therapist close to you who offers reduced cost treatment.

you owe it to yourself, it’s 10000% worth it.

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