oversharing night time
ive tried for so many fucking years to be a good person because for my whole life up until adulthood, i’ve been told by authority figures, adults, and my parents that im..........not a good person. and for years the way they spoke to me made me feel like im not even a person. i felt like an idiot, like an outsider or an other.
so for a long while i gave up and let myself be as shitty as people made me out to be and for years i said the most toxic as shit to my friends and drove a lot of people away from me and im only where i am because ive been through almost a decade of therapy and introspection
and m finally at a point where i can feel like im legitimately being a good person without thinking im a damn setback to everyone around me. and it’s.....nice? because i know if the person i was, even just back in freshman year, i would be proud of where i am right now. i’d be happy with myself even though i know that the personal change will have to never stop. like shit i still fuck up a lot, and i think i lost a friend recently that i wont get back. i dont think our relationship can be repaired. and i dont rlly wanna invest the effort i put into our friendship if they dont want to reciprocate.
i had like a huge convo with a diff friend tonight abt our trauma n stuff and we have a lot of similar experiences. the thing that got me though is that i really realized how much of my motivation to get better hinged on the fact that i needed to be a GOOD person so i could get people to tell me that. and, while i still think i need that affirmation from people, it shows through the relationships i currently have. but fuck it really shows how much i want to be a good person for the people that really matter to me, i want to be good for them so i can feel like all my years of trying to understand myself better is working and that i AM better than who i used to be and that i CAN be good
i think a LOT about whether or not im a good person. and im starting to believe it when i tell myself i AM actually good, and am capable of good things. but that also makes me just as angry/sad that adults had fucked over my perception of myself for so many years. they made me out to be a fucking monster in my own eyes.
i dont really know if i can still let go of this imagery in my head that im Not Human, because honestly this feels more like me than a ‘Human’ version of myself will ever be. im too used to percieving myself this way. i think im just glad to have people that like me despite that. i can be a good beast if i want to be. i dont want to be mean anymore. i just want to be good so badly
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a girl put cat ears on me at the party and started treating me like a cat @_@ ♡
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eternally yours, in every universe ♡
a million thanks to @/nintnot on instagram for the beautiful commission that fulfilled all my mafia boss dazai dreams !!!
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ekurei fans pls understand my vision thru these various comics <-- is an su fan
(tried adjusting the layout, lemme know if the images are still readable)
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going through child mental health services was so ridiculous cos after explaining the horrors u are going through they will look little child you in the face like this and go 'so what do you think we should do???'
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Hey gang forgot I have a tumblr again ,, take this dumb dog pose
🌙✌️
bald edition as requested,,, , by a friend
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